Secret Desires

By:  Gretchen

A MAN CAN HIDE ALL THINGS, EXCEPTING TWAIN- 

THAT HE IS DRUNK, AND THAT HE IS IN LOVE. 

*ANTHIPHANES  

CHAPTER ONE - ADMITTING 

The hot water cascaded over the person standing in the shower, but no attention was paid to it. 

The person’s thoughts were elsewhere, trying to figure out the exact moment the feelings for JC Chasez were brought to the surface. 

Little details of JC were brought forth into the mind of the person under the water. 

Black hair, usually perfectly styled, but attractively messy in the morning hours right after he woke up. Blue eyes shone brightly under the perfect eyebrows. His nose was slightly too large for his chiseled face, but it was endearing and the person under the water smiled slightly at the thought of it. His lips were full, almost begging to be kissed. His only imperfection was the slight gap between his two front teeth, which was displayed often when the boyish smile crossed his face. 

And his body, tall and lanky, he almost bounced when he walked. He was so full of energy, whether it was stepping on a sound stage for a talk show taping, or stepping onto their own stage, ready for a night of performing. His muscles were tight, from hours of dancing, of practicing, wanting everything to be perfect. 

And his voice, oh that voice. His was the voice of an angel. Every time he opened his mouth, the sound begged people to listen to it. And listen they did. His was one of the voices that sold a record-breaking amount of albums the very first day it was released. And when told of the news, a smile lit up his face, and he threw his head back and laughed with joy. 

Eyes fell shut, and a smile made its way across a face as the sound of JC’s laughter filled a mind. It was often spontaneous, and it was almost as if it sometimes surprised JC himself. Whenever he laughed it was with such joy, such pure emotion, that people couldn’t help but smile with him. 

But when were the feelings brought to the surface? Who knows? Maybe it was watching him in the studio, whether it was singing, his eyes closed as he hit that perfect note; or behind the control booth, telling Justin that his note wasn’t exactly right, could he please try it again? Or maybe it was on the video shoots, watching him act so naturally in front of the cameras, as if he was born to be in the spotlight.  

But most likely it was the late nights spent talking. Long talks of love, life, the hardships of being in one of the most popular bands in the country, missing his family. There was a kinship there, a camaraderie

most people would never understand. 

The person leaned their head against the wall and sighed. This was so hard, the admitting of the feelings. It wasn’t considered normal by many people. Men weren’t supposed to love other men; men were supposed to love women. And of course, JC loved women, this one sided love would lead to nothing but heartache. JC could never be told of how he felt, who knows how he would react? Not to mention his family, his friends-who was he kidding?-practically everyone, as he himself was part of that record-breaking group. 

Tears were behind his eyes now. Why him? Why had these feelings come out now? He never had feelings towards another man before, what was so special about JC? Okay, think about the bad things. 

That gap between his teeth. He did sleep a lot. He was obsessed with getting a song sounding perfect before they left the studio for a day. He was quite hyper on stage. 

Good, list some more. 

He drove too slow. He never got anyone’s jokes. Okay, now you’re grasping at straws. 

He lifted his head slightly off the tiles of the shower and lightly banged it back down, frustrated. Nothing good could possibly come of this. He would lose one of his best friends. Actually, thinking about it, he would lose four of his best friends. He would mess up the single most important thing in the world to him.  

And that just wasn’t possible. He would keep it to himself. Forever, if he had to. 

He felt the tears finally escape his eyes; and Lance Bass sunk to the floor of the shower, wrapped his arms around his knees, and cried.  

 

 

 

THE MORNING IS WISER THAN THE EVENING.. 

*ANONYMOUS (RUSSIAN PROVERB)  

CHAPTER TWO - MORNING THOUGHTS 

The phone rang, shattering Lance out of a restless sleep. He picked it up to hear a mechanical voice informing him it was time to get up. He hung the phone back up, and lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. He was in no hurry to get up this morning. 

After crying for what seemed like hours the previous night, he had collapsed into bed, hoping for a reprieve from his thoughts. But he had no luck. He tossed and turned, and every time he closed his eyes, a picture of JC would flash in his mind. He finally fell asleep, but his dreams were troubled, causing him to be unnaturally tired this morning. 

He groaned and sat up in the bed. Wiping a hand along his face, he attempted to wipe away not only the sleep, but also the thoughts of JC that invaded his mind as soon as he awoke. He really had to snap out of it. This was not the time to be falling in love. He had to spend way too much time around him, around the probing eyes of the others, to let his feelings come out. Feelings he didn’t even acknowledge until the night before. 

He stood, walking over to the bathroom, yet dreading to go in. This was the place where all the problems started. If he could have just gone to bed last night instead of taking that shower, maybe things would be better. 

Yeah right, he told himself. Like I can blame this on the shower. Oh yeah, the running water made me gay. Sure, that justifies the situation. 

He sighed as he looked in the mirror above the sink. His reflection stared back at him, not able to help him at all. In fact, it kind of made him feel worse. His green eyes were dull, and there were bags under them so big, he could pack a weeks worth of clothes into them. His hair was lank against his scalp, and his skin was unnaturally pale, even for him. He exhaled his breath and his mouth just went back into the frown that was there before. 

Lance turned the tap water on and cupped his hands, splashing his face with cold water. His heart momentarily skipped at the shock, but when he did it a second time, his body was ready for it. He rubbed his face, washing the sleep off of it, and tried to get some color into his pallor complexion. He stuck his head under the faucet, effectively wetting his hair. 

As he stepped out of the bathroom, he rubbed a towel over his head, getting the excess moisture out. He hung the white hotel towel around his neck as he sat on the edge of the bed and reached for the phone. He called room service and ordered breakfast for the guys. Sometimes he hated being the morning person. He always had the responsibility of breakfast. If it was left to one of the other guys, it would be disastrous. They left Justin in charge of it one morning, and they all ended up eating Apple Jacks. But, no matter what he did, what he ordered, someone always wanted something that he forgot. 

Lance debated calling the guys’ rooms to see if they were up. Chris and Joey probably woke up with their wakeup calls, that was usually a given. Justin would definitely need a repeat call, maybe even two or three. JC was a different story. He liked to sleep, but he would get up on the first call, depending what he was doing the previous night. Sometimes he stayed up late, working on a song, and that required a second call. 

Lance reached for the phone, and dialed JC’s room number, not once asking himself why he was doing it. He just wanted to make sure he was up, he told himself. Lance closed his eyes and shook his head, yeah, you keep believing that. 

“Hello Lance,” JC’s voice came though the line, unusually chipper. 

Lance smiled, “How’d you know it was me?” he asked. 

“Who else would be calling me?” JC said, “I mean, besides the wake up call machine.” 

Lance laughed, “Just wanted to make sure you were up,” he said. 

“Yep, been up for about an hour now.” 

“Really? What’s the occasion?” Lance kept JC on the phone. Just tell him you ordered breakfast and let him go! 

JC sighed, “I don’t know, I think it’s mainly cause I forgot to close the curtains last night. Hey, did you know the sun is really bright?”

 

Lance laughed at JC’s admission, “Yeah, it usually is.” 

“Well, now that I know you’re up, I’ll be down in a bit,” he paused, “you did remember the cereal this time, right?” 

“Okay, JC, that was one time, like last year, let it go!” Lance smiled into the phone. He had forgotten to order cereal one morning. Boy, Justin was pissed. He was so miserable all day, Chris had finally made the limo driver pull over at four o’clock in the afternoon and buy cereal at the nearest grocery store. 

“Hey, I got to remind you about your faults, Lance, we don’t see them too often.” 

Lance’s heart skipped a beat at JC’s words. Calm down, he told himself, he didn’t mean anything other than what he said. 

“Yeah, right,” he replied. “Hey, I’ve got to call Justin yet, so let me go.” 

“Don’t bother,” JC replied, “I’ll wake him up on my way to your room.” 

Lance could practically hear the evil in JC’s voice, “What are you planning?” 

JC laughed, “Nothing much. I’ve just been up for an hour with nothing to do, so I made a list of ways to wake up Justin. See ya!” He waited for Lance to say goodbye and hung up the phone. 

Lance stared at the phone after he hung it up. He was already in a better mood, and all he did was talk to JC. He closed his eyes, this was not good. He needed to hide his feelings. The whole world could not know about his little crush. 

Forget the world, you only have four guys to worry about. 

 

 

 

I ALWAYS WAKE UP AT THE CRACK OF ICE. 

*JOE E. LEWIS  

CHAPTER THREE - ICE 

As Lance waited for the guys to show up, he plugged in his computer and connected to the Internet as he dressed. He had some business to take care of with one of the artists he managed, so he thought he’d get that out of the way first thing. He pulled up his email account and began to methodically go through the mail. He automatically deleted all the junk mail, not even bothering to open it. He saved the messages from his family for last, knowing that if he had that to look forward to, the work wouldn’t seem so bad. 

As it turned out, the business that was at hand ended up being pushed back a week, due to lawyer negotiations. He sighed as he read the email. He really wanted to move this along. His one act was already in the studio, working on her album, and he was eager to see his other act move to that point as well. He pushed the business out of his head as he opened an email from his sister, Stacy. 

He smiled as he read her short note. She was going to be on vacation the same time that the band was on a break, so she would be able to come and visit him after all. Her husband, Ford, was going to be on a business trip, so he wouldn’t make it. Lance frowned as he read that, he really liked his sister’s husband and was disappointed that he wouldn’t be able to see him with his sister. He replied to her email, giving her specifics as to when he would be home, and turned off his computer just as there was a knock on his door. 

Actually, it was more like a frantic pounding. He crossed the room to the door and heard laughter that was distinctively JC’s outside. His heart skipped a beat as he unlocked the door. He tried to slow it down as he pulled the door open. 

JC didn’t even realize the door was being opened, since his head was turned, looking down the hall towards Justin’s room. His pounding fists met with air, and the momentum carried him forward and sent him crashing into Lance. The two fell on the ground, JC landing with an “oomph,” on top of Lance. 

Lance looked up to see JC’s blue eyes dancing with laughter. JC rested his elbow next to Lance’s head and propped his head on it. “Fancy meeting you here,” he laughed. 

Lance couldn’t answer, as his breath was caught in his throat. He was so close, he could feel JC’s breath on his face. He stared up at JC, who was grinning down at him, and God, was he close. Lance could feel a tightening in his groin as he lay there. He immediately came to his senses and pushed JC off of him. Standing up, he grinned, “What’s the rush?”  

JC’s eyes grew wide, and he sprang up from the floor, lunging towards the door. Slamming it shut, he locked the deadbolt and turned around to see Lance leaning against the desk, his arms crossed over his chest, and looking at him expectantly. He casually shrugged as he walked towards the bed. 

“No rush,” he replied innocently, but he could not keep the grin from spreading across his face. “Justin’s a little pissed at me,” he admitted. 

Lance laughed out loud as he studied JC. He was dressed casually, in a pair of loose khaki’s and a white T-shirt covered by a blue flannel that was unbuttoned. Lance tried to ignore how the flannel brought out JC’s already bright blue eyes. “What did you do?” 

JC lie back on the bed and rested his hands behind his head. His feet stayed on the floor as his body stretched out on the bed. He sighed as he stretched and answered Lance. “I woke him up, using ice.” 

“Ice?” Lance asked, the corners of his mouth twitching into a smile. 

JC suddenly sat up, and he grinned as he spoke to Lance. He spoke quickly, like a child who was telling a story. “Yeah, you know how I said I was thinking of ways to wake up Justin?” He waited for Lance to nod before continuing, “Okay, well, one of the ways was ice. So, I get some ice in my ice bucket and go to his room.” 

Lance held up his hand, “How did you get in?” 

JC shrugged, “We have connecting rooms.”  

Lance nodded at his response. What he would have given to have that room.  

“Anyway,” JC stressed, getting back to his story, “I go to his room, and it couldn’t be more perfect if I planned it. He’s laying on his back, one arm over his head, covers kicked off to his knees, and no shirt on.”

JC started laughing, “So, I go next to the bed and take out a cube of ice. I started at his head, I really did,” he looked at Lance, who suddenly felt as if he had to sit down. “So, I run the ice cube along his forehead, and nothing. He didn’t even move. So, I move to his nose, nothing. His neck, he stirred.” JC met Lance’s eyes, his own dancing with the memory. “So, what was I supposed to do?” JC raised his hands, palms up, as if asking a serious question. “I did what anyone would have done.” He grinned, “I moved the ice down his chest, and over his nipple.” 

Lance pulled out the chair and sat down. 

JC was rocking on the bed in laughter, “You should have seen it, Lance! He actually moaned! He was enjoying it!” 

Lance grinned at JC, trying to keep the mental image of JC above him, moving ice along his chest, over his stomach, leaning down, following the cold trail with his warm mouth. Lance closed his eyes and forced himself to focus on the present. “You woke him up, then, right?” JC didn’t answer. “Right?” Lance repeated. 

“Well, kind of,” JC said, shrugging. “I let him enjoy it for a while, and when he was enjoying it enough, if you know what I mean, I dumped the whole bucket of ice right on his pants, above his crotch.” JC shook his head, “I just can’t believe he didn’t wake up before, you know? I mean, really, Lance, I would like to think that if someone is moving ice on my body, I would know it.” 

Lance’s mental image shifted. He was suddenly the one above JC, moving the ice over his full lips, down his strong jawbone, over his Adam’s apple, and across his chest. Lance swallowed thickly, “Yeah,” he responded, hearing the lust in his voice. 

JC apparently didn’t notice, because he just plowed on. “I wonder what he was dreaming of,” he mused as he lay back on the bed. “He didn’t moan anyone’s name, though. That would have been cool,” he smiled at the ceiling, “maybe we would have found out something we didn’t know about Justin.” 

Lance glanced sharply at JC, “What do you mean?” 

JC shrugged, his motioned hindered because his hands were folded behind his head. “I don’t know, nothing really.” 

Lance closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He had to calm down. Lance himself had only completely put the pieces of the puzzle together last night. Hadn’t that been the first time he really admitted to himself that he had feelings that ran beyond friendship for JC? If he only figured it out last night, there’s no way anyone else would know. And by acting jumpy and nervous, he was only going to tip them off. 

There was another knock on the door and JC sat up. “That might be Justin.” 

 

“Or Chris, or Joey, or the food,” Lance countered as he stood up. He was thankful the jeans he had chosen that morning were loose, or else something may have been noticed. As his back was turned to JC, he discretely adjusted himself before opening the door. 

A hotel employee was standing with a room service cart. Lance stepped back to let him enter, and heard a door open down the hall. He stuck his head out to see Chris walking towards him. Chris lifted his hand in greeting and paused briefly to bang on Joey’s door. Immediately, it opened and Joey stepped into the hallway. They greeted Lance as they walked into the room. 

After the bellhop left, Lance left the door open slightly so he wouldn’t have to get up when Justin arrived. He walked back into his room to see that Joey and Chris now claimed the chairs. He looked around the room to see he would either have to sit on the floor, or on the bed with JC. Lance sighed heavily. This couldn’t be easy, could it?  

Lance helped himself to some pancakes and bacon. He poured a glass of orange juice and set it on the nightstand. JC had propped the pillows up against the headboard, and Lance leaned against them as he sat down, his legs stretched in front of him, the plate on his lap. Beside him, JC chewed quietly, occasionally laughing to himself. 

“Where’s Justin?” Joey asked, just as JC put a bite of eggs into his mouth. 

JC laughed, causing egg to fly out of his mouth. 

“Gross, JC!” Lance complained as it hit the sheets of the unmade bed. “You know I have to sleep here tonight.”

 

JC took a sip of his drink, “Oh, stop complaining. If the maids don’t change the sheets, you can stay in my room tonight.” 

 

Lance began fervently praying that the maids all called in sick. 

“So,” Chris said, “where is he?” 

JC retold the story, waving a piece of bacon he stole off Lance’s plate in the air. It wasn’t easier the second time around for Lance, because this time, he didn’t have to pay attention to the story, he could concentrate on JC’s face while he told it. 

A quick glance told Lance that Chris and Joey weren’t taking their eyes off JC, reaffirming his security that he could watch him now without being obvious. Lance studied his profile as he spoke. His grin was wide, and it grew wider at the parts he found unusually amusing. He made eye contact with Chris and Joey, occasionally glancing at Lance to see if he was listening. Those times when his eyes flickered over to him, Lance caught the different shades of blue that made up the color of JC’s eyes. 

When JC was done telling his story, Lance looked away, over at Chris and Joey to see their reactions. He was surprised to see Joey looking at him instead. 

The door suddenly opened and Justin entered, immediately seeking out JC. His eyes narrowed in anger but he ignored him. JC burst out laughing. 

Justin headed to the cart and poured a bowl of cereal, drenching it with milk. He sat at the foot of the bed and began to eat in silence. 

Chris and Joey shared a look and then it began. 

“So, Justin,” Chris said, “sleep well?” 

Justin shrugged in response. 

Joey picked it up, “Have nice dreams?” 

Justin glanced up at them, confusion on his handsome features. “What are you two up to?” 

Joey shrugged, “Nothing,” he said, moving his fork up to his mouth and chewing, as if to prove it. 

Chris echoed his statement, “Yeah, Just, we were just being nice. Jeez.” 

Justin glanced back at JC, who was grinning. Apparently deciding JC didn’t tell anyone, he went back to his cereal. 

“Hey Justin,” Lance said. 

“Yeah?” 

“Did you take a shower this morning?” 

Justin craned his neck to look at Lance, “Why? Do I still have soap in my hair or something?” 

Lance shrugged, biting off a piece of bacon, “No, I was just wondering, because I did. And I had no hot water. It was freezing.” Lance grinned, “Cold as ice, you might say.” 

The other started laughing, and Justin turned red. “Lance, I can’t believe you! I expected that from Joey or Chris, but not from you.” He slumped against the foot of the bed, “And you’re supposed to be the nice one.” 

JC hit the side of his leg, “Way to go, Lance. It’s about time you joined in on the party. See how fun it is to make fun of Justin?” 

Justin pointed at JC with his spoon, “You just wait, JC. I’ll get you back for this morning. When you least expect it, I’ll be there.” 

JC rolled his eyes at him and turned his attention back to his food, “Whatever, J.” He looked at Lance and grinned. 

Lance grinned back, mentally kicking himself the whole time. 

 

 

 

AND THE SUNLIGHT CLASPS THE EARTH, 

AND THE MOONBEAMS KISS THE SEA-- 

WHAT ARE ALL THESE KISSINGS WORTH, 

IF THOU KISS NOT ME?  

*PERCY BYSSHE SHELLEY, 'LOVE'S PHILOSOPHY' 

CHAPTER FOUR - HIS KISS 

Lance sat in the booth in the club by himself, nursing a rum and Coke. The others were on the floor somewhere, lost in the crowd of people. He took a long swallow of his drink, and found that he emptied it. Cursing to himself, he began to look for a waitress to get a refill. 

I should have stayed in, he told himself for the hundredth time that night. It had been a week since he realized his feelings for JC, and this was the first night the guys had all gone out since then. Lance was trying to have a good time, he really was, but JC’s girlfriend, Bobbi, had suddenly shown up an hour before they were leaving, and she of course, decided to tag along.  

So right now, they were on the floor, JC holding her close, her arms wrapped around his neck, moving in a sensual rhythm to the driving beat of the song blaring over the speakers. And to make matters worse, they were right in Lance’s sight line. Every time he looked at the floor, all he saw was JC and her.  

As Lance watched, she turned in JC’s arms, putting her back to his chest. She clasped his hands in hers and crossed them over her stomach, never losing the sensual rhythm they created. She closed her eyes and arched her neck, resting her head on his shoulder, allowing him to kiss her exposed neck. Lance saw her hands tighten on his and her mouth open slightly as JC made his way up her jawbone to her ear. Lance’s own hands tightened around his glass as she turned her head, their lips finally making contact with each other. 

The waitress momentarily captured Lance’s attention as she set another drink in front of him, clearing the empty glasses from the table. He immediately switched his empty glass for the full one, gripping it just as tightly as before. He took another drink, and felt the rum burn a path down his throat.  

As if it was a morbid fascination, Lance once again looked towards the floor. Bobbi was once again facing JC, their mouths' centimeters apart, her leg hooked around the back of his. JC’s arm was around her waist and he lifted her slightly off the floor, bringing her lips even with his. Lance turned away as they began to kiss. 

He was looking into his drink, as if searching for answers he didn’t know the questions to, when he felt the weight of the booth shift. He glanced up sharply and saw Joey grinning like a Cheshire Cat. 

“What’s up, Lansten?” Joey asked, slightly slurring his words. 

Lance shrugged, “Nothing.” 

Joey moved closer to him on the red vinyl seat and draped an arm across the back of it. He looked at Lance with glassy eyes. “What’s the matter?” 

Lance shot him a look and replied, “Nothing.” 

Joey sighed heavily and crossed his arms on the table in front of him, looking sideways at Lance. “Look,” he said, “I know something’s wrong. You hardly ever drink, and tonight you’re drinking like a fish. You haven’t gotten out of this booth, except to take a piss or to get another drink. You can either tell me what’s wrong, or I can guess.” He looked thoughtfully at Lance, “It’s probably going to be quicker, easier, and less painful for you if you just tell me.” 

In spite of himself, Lance grinned. Leave it to Joey.  

“Look, Joe,” Lance said, “It’s nothing. I should have stayed home, I’m just not in the mood tonight.” 

Joey looked at him appraisingly. “And why is that?” 

Lance stopped his hand partway to his mouth. “What do you mean?” 

“Why aren’t you in the mood?” 

Cause I’m in love with JC, cause I hate Bobbi right now, cause I want to be Bobbi right now.  

Instead of voicing his thoughts, Lance shrugged again, “I’m just not, okay?” 

“No, it’s not okay. You were excited to go out before. What’s changed?” Joey watched Lance take a swallow of his drink, and not answer.  

As Lance drank, he tried to think of a suitable lie to tell Joey. He should have thought of this before he put six glasses of alcohol through his veins. He set the glass down and avoided Joey’s penetrating gaze. Unfortunately, when he looked up, he looked right at JC and Bobbi. 

Joey saw Lance’s _expression change slightly as he looked towards the dance floor. He watched his jaw tighten and his mouth set in a line. Joey wrinkled his forehead and followed Lance’s gaze to the dance floor. He didn’t see anything that should make Lance upset. Joey looked back at his friend. Lance hadn’t changed sight lines, but now his eyes narrowed slightly and he shook his head before raising his almost empty glass to his lips. Joey looked back at the floor, he had to be missing something. 

The only thing that Lance seemed to be fixating on was JC and Bobbi. They were dancing close, their arms around each other, occasionally laughing and kissing. Joey glanced at Lance. Yep, he was watching them. Maybe he was jealous. Maybe he wanted Bobbi to himself and was jealous of JC. 

“It’s Bobbi, isn’t it?” Joey asked quietly. 

Lance looked sharply in his direction, “What?” 

“It’s Bobbi,” Joey said, motioning to the dance floor, “that’s why you’re not in the mood to be out.” 

Lance felt numb. He literally couldn’t move, his brain was screaming for him to fix this, get this straightened out before Joey suspected something, but his mouth wasn’t working. Lance searched Joey’s face for drunkenness, something that would ease his mind. He found nothing. But, my God, he was slurring earlier! But his gaze was clear. 

“That’s it,” Joey said softly, moving closer to Lance. “You don’t like her,” he said, saying the opposite of what he felt, watching Lance for a reaction. Lance looked away from Joey and into his glass. “Why, Lance? I thought everyone liked her.” 

It’s not that I don’t like her, Joe, Lance wanted to shout, I just don’t like her with him. I don’t like anyone with him. I want to be the one with him. And I can’t tell you, cause you won’t understand, and he can’t find out, and why does this have to be so hard? 

“I like her, Joey,” Lance said lamely.  

Okay, so he didn’t really like her. 

Joey studied him, something wasn’t right. Something hadn’t been right for about a week now. Lance seemed unusually quiet, almost withdrawn lately, like he was hiding something. That’s why Joey was so happy when Lance agreed to go out with them tonight. It was like he was finally getting back to normal. Joey thought about the past week, and tried to figure out the exact moment Lance started acting like…well not like Lance. 

It was that one morning, he realized, that morning JC pulled the prank on Justin. Lance seemed to relish JC telling that story. His eyes were glued to JC’s face, taking everything in. He only looked away when JC was done.  

And now, with Bobbi. Lance seemed fixated on the dance floor, he had seen that from across the room. Joey had been watching Lance, hoping that he’d get out of the funk he’d been in and have a little fun. He saw how many drinks Lance had, he saw that Lance’s gaze kept wandering to the floor.  

At first, he thought it was jealously. But now, he wasn’t so sure. 

“Do you want to talk?” Joey asked him. 

Lance looked at him, his eyes wide, like a deer caught in the headlights. “Talk about what?” 

Joey shrugged, “Anything,” he replied, his voice full of care. 

Lance forced a laugh, “Joey, I’m fine. I like Bobbi, I just want to go home now.” He rose from the booth, dropping a few bills on the table. He turned and walked towards the door, praying Joey wasn’t following him. 

Joey fished some money out of his pocket and threw it on the table next to Lance’s. He tried to catch up to Lance, stopping at JC and Bobbi on his way to tell them they were leaving. By the time he reached the doors of the club, Lance was gone.  

Joey burst through the doors, swiveling his head left and right. He saw Lance about a block down the street, quickly walking in the direction of their hotel. Joey ran after him. 

“Lance,” he called, “wait up, please?” 

Lance faltered in his walk, but didn’t stop. He wiped a hand over his moist eyes, willing himself to stop tearing before Joey saw him. 

How did this happen? How did Joey begin to suspect? Maybe he didn’t, Lance told himself. Maybe he thinks I just don’t like Bobbi. But what he does suspect, then what? What would he do then? Should he just tell Joey, that would be easier, he reasoned. Yeah right. How do you tell someone something like this? 

He heard Joey’s heavy footfall as he ran to catch up. Soon the footsteps fell in step with his own.  

“Jeez, Lance,” Joey grinned, “trying to set a record here?” Lance didn’t answer him, just kept walking towards the hotel. Joey sighed and fell silent. If Lance didn’t want to talk, Joey wasn’t going to push him-yet. 

They walked the blocks to the hotel in silence. Joey walked with his head high, taking everything in, while Lance shoved his hands in his pockets, and kept his gaze on the sidewalk. Occasionally, Joey would greet a passerby on the street, a quick, “Hi, how are ya?” before moving on. 

They reached the doors of the hotel, and the bellhop opened the door for them, causing the bright light of the lobby to spill onto the street. They smiled briefly in thanks, and Joey exchanged a few pleasantries with him, stopping the conversation to catch up to Lance who was standing at the elevator doors. 

The doors opened, and they stepped inside, Joey reaching forward to press the button for their floor. Now he was going to push. 

“So, Lance, how about you come to my room and we can hang out?” 

“No, thanks,” Lance answered dully. 

“It wasn’t a request,” Joey said firmly.  

 

Lance looked up at Joey, fury in his eyes. He saw determination in Joey’s gaze, and Lance knew himself well enough to know that he would back down. But not without a fight. 

“No,” Lance said. “I’m tired and I want to go to bed.” 

The doors opened and they stepped into the hallway. “You really should talk about this, Lance,” Joey said. 

Lance turned on him, “Why?” he practically shouted, “because you want me to? Look, Joey, no offense, but this is none of your business.” 

Joey opened his eyes in surprise, “None of my business?” he repeated. “Last time I checked you and JC were two of my best friends, Lance! That makes this my business.” 

“This has nothing to do with JC,” Lance said stiffly.  

“This has everything to do with JC,” Joey replied, holding Lance’s gaze. 

Lance cursed under his breath and turned away from Joey. “Joey, I can’t,” he said. 

Joey was shocked at the desperation in Lance’s voice. He gently placed a hand on Lance’s shoulder and turned the younger man around. There were unshed tears in Lance’s eyes; eyes that couldn’t meet his own.

He knew that his questions had just been answered. It wasn’t Bobbi Lance wanted. It was JC. 

“Lance,” Joey whispered, “It’s okay.” 

Lance slowly looked up at Joey, fear in his green eyes. He could tell by Joey’s voice that he knew. Somehow he figured it out. 

As his eyes met Joey’s, Lance was afraid of what he would find. Horror, disgust, even sympathy were all things he expected to find in his best friends gaze.  

But he found none of that. 

He found support. 

 

 

 

THE BEST PROPHET OF THE FUTURE IS THE PAST. 

*JOHN SHERMAN, SPEECH  

CHAPTER FIVE-AND THE PAST COMES TO HAUNT US 

Joey ushered Lance into his hotel room. Clearing his clothes from the desk chair, Joey urged Lance to sit down. Leaving Lance in the main room, Joey went into the bathroom, running the tap water until it got cold and filling a glass for Lance. When he stepped into the room, he realized his concerned efforts were for nothing. Lance had already opened Joey’s mini bar and helped himself to a small bottle of liquor.  

“You are so paying me back for that, Lance,” Joey teased him. 

Lance shook his head, “Whatever, Joe.” He opened the bottle and swallowed the contents at once, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. 

Joey sat on the bed and watched Lance. The shot of alcohol seemed to go straight to his head; he swayed slightly before sitting down in the chair. A frustrated hand raked through his blond tipped spikes as he held his head in his hand. Joey watched as Lance shook his head once, twice, three times before speaking. 

“So,” he said softly, “you know.” 

Joey rested his elbows on his knees as he leaned forward. “Yeah, I guess I do.” Lance nodded mutely. “You want to talk about it?” 

Lance raised his head and met Joey’s concerned gaze. He smiled wryly, “You sure you want to hear this?” 

Joey grinned, “Hey, as long as you don’t describe in detail your sexual fantasies about JC, I’m okay with it.” 

Lance managed to smile at Joey’s joke. He felt somewhat better knowing that he wasn’t going to have to go through hiding his feelings alone. The smile faded from his thin lips as he studied Joey. “Why don’t you hate me?” he asked quietly, simply. 

Joey looked taken aback. “Hate you?” he repeated. “Why on Earth would I hate you, Lance?” 

Lance shrugged, beginning to feel stupid when he heard the surprised tone in Joey’s voice. Maybe he underestimated his friends. “Because I’m in love with JC.” 

Joey smiled softly at him, “You really love him?” 

Lance nodded, “Yeah, I think I do.” He sighed and stood up, walking to the sliding doors and opening them. Stepping outside, he stood at the railing of the balcony and looked over the darkened city. Lights twinkled in windows as stars twinkled overhead. The heat seemed to hang in the air, and Lance was convinced he could actually see it. He heard Joey step outside and turned his head slightly when he felt a light tap on his arm. Joey handed him a cold bottle of beer and Lance raised it to his lips. 

Joey rested his arms on the railing, his own bottle dangling from his fingertips. “Wow,” he said, “in love.” He looked at the lights wistfully, “I’ve never been in love.” 

Lance snorted, “Well, neither have I, until now. Imagine my surprise.” 

Joey grinned briefly at him and moved to sit on one of the chairs provided on the balcony. Lance opted to sit on the cement barrier between Joey’s room and the next, which happened to be his. He rested his head on the wall and closed his eyes, opening them when he heard Joey speak. 

“If you’ve never been in love, how do you know you are now?” 

Lance laughed, “You’re lucky I know what you’re saying cause that made no sense what-so-ever.” Joey shrugged at him and grinned, but didn’t respond. Lance turned his gaze back to the sky, his head still resting on the wall, a slight smile playing at the corner of his mouth. “I don’t know, Joe,” he said softly. “I just know that as soon as I wake up, I think about him, and right before I fall asleep, I think about him. I walk down the street sometimes and see something in a shop window, and my first thought isn’t whether it’s a nice item, or if I like it, it’s what JC would think of it. I went to get coffee the other day, and they had this huge sign in the window advertising a new flavor, and my first thought was I’ll bet JC would like that kind.” Lance hung his head and dropped his voice even lower, “And whenever I see him, I just want to reach out and touch him somehow, you know, like pick an imaginary piece of lint off of his sweater, just so I can be near him. I notice the way he smells when he just gets out of the shower, I notice the way his left eye twitches when he gets tired.” He shook his head and snuck a sideways glance at Joey. “And this all just hit me. One night I was standing in the shower and it just hit me, Joey. I don’t know why it happened, I don’t know how it happened, it just did. And I know without a single doubt in my mind, that I love JC.” 

Joey expelled a breath and sat back in his chair. “Wow,” he said simply.  

Raising his bottle to his lips, Lance nodded, “yeah, wow.” 

 

 

 

 

After a minute of comfortable silence, Joey’s voice rang out. “So, you say you don’t know how it happened, but there had to be something. I mean, why JC? Why not Justin, or me, or Chris? Or some random guy? What is it about JC?” 

His eyes, his lips, his voice. 

Lance shrugged, “I don’t know. I’ve never noticed guys before, you know? I’ve always been attracted to women. That’s why this is so hard for me, Joey. First I have to accept the fact that I’m attracted to a man, and then I have to accept the fact that he’s my best friend. And this could completely ruin our friendship.” 

Joey waved his hand, “We’ll talk about that later,” he promised. “Right now I want to hear what the hell is so special about JC,” he grinned. 

Lance swooshed the beer around in the bottom of his bottle. “This may take a while,” he said. 

Joey stood up and retreated to the room. A few minutes later, just when Lance was about to go looking for him, he came back out, ice bucket filled with beer and ice melting on top of it. “Had to go get ice,” he grinned. Popping open another bottle, he handed it to Lance. 

“Now, talk.” 

 

 

 

Orlando, Florida

April, 1995 

The plane touched down in sunny Florida, and the youth looked eagerly out the window. He had been to Florida before, but never for anything this important. This time he was coming to Florida for a potentially life changing event. He looked over at his mom in the seat next to him. 

“Thanks for letting me do this, Mom,” he said sincerely. 

His mom smiled at him, “Lance, honey, let’s not get your hopes up,” she said, patting his knee. She glanced back down at her magazine, “This may not work out.” 

Lance sighed and turned his attention back to the window. He was not going to let her ruin this for him. He loved his mother dearly, he himself admitted he was somewhat of a mama’s boy. But, this was The Dream, capital T, capital D! Couldn’t she see that? Couldn’t she see that he was more nervous and excited now than he had ever been in his entire life?  

His mom put her magazine away and took his hand as the plane taxied to the gate, “Lance, I’m sorry. I know this means a lot to you.” 

He turned to her, “It really does, Mom. I really want this.”  

When he had gotten the call from the vocal coach, he had been surprised, to say the least. He had only worked with the man briefly, and Lance was surprised that the guy even remembered him. But, that didn’t stop him from accepting the invitation to come to Florida. He remembered lying in his bed, praying to God his mom and dad would let him go. And they did. Although it had taken major convincing from both Lance and the coach, but eventually, they said they would go to Orlando for the audition. 

When the captain announced they were free to remove their seatbelts and begin unloading, Lance stood up, pulling his backpack on his arm. He followed his mom into the aisle, letting his dad, who was in the seat across from his mom, step in front of him. 

They made it to baggage claim, and went to the car rental agency, picking up the keys for the car. As his dad drove through the streets of Orlando, Lance took everything in, wanting to capture every moment in his mind.  

This was the place where dreams were made.  

Somehow, deep down, he knew his life was about to change. 

The door to the Harliss house opened, and a young boy, who Lance judged to be about fourteen stood in the doorway. His curly hair was a mess, flopping in his blue eyes. He pushed it impatiently out of the way and grinned. 

“You must be Lance,” he said, sticking out his hand, “Justin Timberlake,” he said, introducing himself as Lance shook his hand. He stepped back, “Come on in,” he invited.

 

Lance and his parents stepped into the house, and Lance introduced his mom and dad, just as a blond woman came into the foyer.  

“I’m Lynn Harliss,” she said, extending her hand to Lance’s mom, “Justin’s mom.” Introductions were made and Lance stood nervously, his hands in his pockets. 

“Come on!” Justin said excitedly, “We’re playing video games,” he pulled Lance towards the family room where two other guys were intent on the screen. 

“It’s about time, JC,” on of them said, without looking away from the screen, “Can’t you ever be on time? The new kid will be here soon!” 

 

Justin looked at Lance apologetically, “Um, Chris, it’s not JC,” he said to the one who had finished speaking. 

Lance suddenly felt extremely out of place. As Chris said, he was the new kid. These guys have all known each other, and were comfortable around each other. How was he ever going to fit in? 

“Oh,” Chris was saying, “Sorry about that,” he stood, walking towards Lance, “we were expecting someone else.”  

Lance nodded, “I’m Lance,” he said, mainly just to say something. 

The other kid stood up, “Hey, Lance, I’m Joey.” Joey stuck his hand out, and Lance shook it. This guy just radiated happiness, and Lance felt somewhat better. 

“Chris,” the shorter one said, shaking Lance’s hand.  

The doorbell rang again, and Chris rolled his eyes, “That had better be JC.” Justin left the room, to answer the door and Chris and Joey turned their attention back to the video game, leaving Lance standing in the center of the room. He walked to the couch and sat on the edge, clasping his hands in front of him. 

On the screen, one of the guys fighting cut off the others head. “Yes!” Chris yelled, dropping the controller and pointing at Joey, “I win, you suck!” Chris stood up and danced around the room in victory. 

Joey rolled his eyes, and caught Lance’s eye, “Would you believe he’s the oldest? He’s 24.” 

Lance grinned in return, but didn’t get a chance to answer, because Justin came back in with a tall, skinny guy. 

“I know, I know,” he said, holding up his hand to Chris when he opened his mouth, “I’m late. I overslept,” he admitted sheepishly. He turned his gaze to Lance. “Hi, I’m JC.” He grinned at Lance, and for the first time since Justin opened the door to him, Lance felt completely at ease. 

“Lance,” he replied, nodding at JC.  

“Well, let’s get this started,” JC said, moving into the room, and sitting next to Lance on the couch. “So, tell us about yourself,” he said, putting Lance on the spot. Joey turned off the television, and Chris and Justin flopped onto the other chairs in the room. They all looked at Lance expectantly. 

Lance felt nervous under the scrutiny of the other guys, and his gaze fell to the floor. “Well, um,” he started, “I’m from Mississippi,” his accent sounded more pronounced around the other guys, “I’ll be sixteen in May.” He stopped, not knowing what else to say. Thankfully, his parents entered the room right then, followed by Mrs. Harliss, and people who Lance assumed were the other guys’ parents. Following behind was a large man with glasses. 

Justin and Chris got up, allowing their mothers the chairs, Lance and JC did the same for their mothers, and Joey’s mom joined them on the couch. The guys moved to sit with Joey on the floor, and Lance followed their lead, sitting down a few feet away, still feeling out of place. The other guys were making small talk with each other’s parents. 

The large man headed to where Lance sat on the floor. “Hello, Lance, I’m Lou Pearlman,” he introduced himself. Lance stood up and shook his hand, having no idea who this man was. 

“Lou is the one who got us our deal,” Chris explained, “We all signed already, but we need a bass voice.” Lance nodded at Chris, and smiled at Lou, knowing this man could change his life. 

“Well, did you guys sing anything yet?” Lynn asked. 

Justin rolled his eyes, “Mom, JC just got here like two seconds ago! Give us time, jeez.” 

Lynn grinned at Justin, “Sorry!” 

The guys looked at each other and began talking about what song to sing.

 

JC turned to him, “How about you listen to us once, and get a feel for the song, and then we’ll sing it a second time, with your voice?” 

They counted off, and began singing The Star Spangled Banner. 

As Lance listened to them sing, he was beginning to think maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. What business did he have being here? He was just a high school kid from a small town in Mississippi, did he really think he was going to be good enough to fit in with these guys? He listened to them sing together in awe. They were a little rough, but really good. JC took the leads in the song, the others harmonizing behind him. 

Lance tried to forget about his nervousness and his misgivings and concentrate on the song. Joey was the lowest in the group, but his wasn’t a bass voice. Lance listened to the song, looking at the ground, blocking out everything but the sound of their voices, looking for his niche. He was completely concentrating on what his voice could add to their sound. 

When they were done, they grinned at each other, obviously pleased at what they’ve done. There was clapping from the parents, and Lance knew he wanted to be a part of this group. 

“You boys are very good,” Mrs. Bass complimented them. 

“Thank you,” Justin said politely. 

“We really need a bass, though,” Joey said, “I can’t handle it that low.” 

“Well, let’s see what Lance sounds like, then,” Lou suggested. Lance nodded to the guys to let him know he was ready. 

JC nodded and counted again, his voice clear as he began singing. Lance waited, and came in right on cue with the others, his quiet bass in the harmony, rounding out the sound that was already there. JC’s eyes widened as he heard Lance join in and he smiled as he sang, meeting the gaze of Chris, who was nodding. Justin was practically bouncing on the floor with his happiness, and Joey even broke the song long enough to give a little whoop of excitement. 

The five guys on the floor of the Harliss house sounded amazing. It was as if they had been singing together for years, not just meeting their last member five minutes prior. Lance looked at his mother, who was sitting on the couch with tears in her eyes. His gaze traveled to his father, who stood with his arms crossed over his chest, which was swelled with pride. 

The song ended, and Lance found himself grinning and rising to his feet with the other guys. Joey, Justin, Chris and JC hugged each other with happiness, and when Lance was pulled into a hug by JC, who was slapping his back and saying things like, “Welcome to the family,” he let himself enjoy the moment, knowing everything was about to change.  

And the only way things could go was up. 

 

August, 1995 

Lance groaned in frustration. His whole body hurt, he was exhausted, and very, very hot. And he could not seem to get this last step. 

“No, Lance,” the choreographer said, “It’s like this, one, two, three, four.” 

Lance watched him, concentrating on his footwork. It was simple, he told himself, step, step, cross, turn. How hard could it be? And if it wasn’t so hard, why could he not get it?  

The choreographer looked at him, and Lance nodded, “Okay, I think I got it.” He stepped back and the choreographer began to count off. At the right time, Lance moved his feet, saying to himself, “Step, step, cross, turn.” He grinned triumphantly, he did it! 

There was clapping from the side of the warehouse and Lance grinned at JC, Justin, and Joey, who were clapping. Chris was there as well, but he wasn’t clapping, just looking at the ground, shaking his head. 

“It’s about damn time, Lance!” Chris yelled to him. 

Lance glanced at him sharply, looking for any sign that he was teasing. He found none. 

Justin and Joey laughed at Chris’ statement, and JC elbowed them. “Leave him alone,” JC admonished, “he never did any dancing before, this is new to him.” 

Lance smiled gratefully at JC, who nodded back, and turned his attention back to his choreographer. 

Chris groaned as the music started, lying flat on his back. “This really isn’t that hard,” he said, “wait until we get to the hard stuff, how long are we going to be here then?” 

“Come on, Chris, give him a break,” JC said. “You can’t expect everyone to be a great dancer. Some people need to be taught.” 

Chris looked at JC from his place on the floor, “Yeah, well, I have better things to do than sit in this hundred degree warehouse while two left feet over there learns his steps!” 

JC began to get angry, “And what would you be doing, huh, Chris? This is our future, here, remember that!” 

Chris sat up and looked JC straight in the eye, “Don’t you think I know that, JC? I’m the one who wanted this first, remember? This is just frustrating for me, sitting here, waiting for him to learn this stuff. I want to be out there, singing, getting ourselves some fans, some money, some recognition.” 

“I know how you feel, Chris, I really do,” JC replied, “I want that, too. But, before we have that, we have to do this,” he motioned to the floor where Lance was dancing. “And if it’s frustrating for you, think what it’s like for him. He doesn’t get to take the breaks we get, he has to work through them. And he’s doing it all without complaint. He hasn’t once asked us to stop because he was tired, or that his muscles hurt. He wants this just as much as we do. So, cut him a little slack.” 

Chris sighed, but didn’t reply, he just laid back down, his hands under his head, listening to the same song over and over. 

“Okay, guys,” the choreographer yelled to them, “let’s run through it one last time, and then you can go.” 

The guys jumped up, moving into positions, Chris walking behind the others. Lance stood with his hands on his knees, bent over, trying to catch his breath. He picked his head up as Chris walked by, and briefly met his eyes. Chris just shook his head, moving to his place on the floor. 

Lance sighed as he stood straight up. He didn’t know what it was with Chris. Nothing was ever good enough for him. Lance tried so hard to learn his parts, and it wasn’t good enough. He spent hours practicing these dances in addition to the hours he was with the guys practicing. Add that to the time spent with the vocal coaches, and the time spent with Lou, picking out songs for their first album, Lance barely had time for himself. His mother was already regretting the decision, wishing she had said no when Lance wanted to go to Florida. 

His eyes moved away from Chris to the other guys. If Chris was the bad guy, the others were like super heroes. Especially JC. Whenever Chris would start on Lance, JC would always step in and defend him, much like an older brother. Lance was grateful JC was in the group. Justin and Chris were unusually close, considering the difference in their ages. And Joey, well, he was so laid back, nothing really bothered him. If it took Lance three hours to learn one step, he didn’t care. He listened to Chris’ complaining and stayed quiet, not wanting to get involved. 

The choreographer started the music, shattering Lance’s quiet thoughts. He ran his hand over his forehead, removing the sweat, and pushing his blonde hair off his forehead. He took a deep breath and began to concentrate. He was going to get this. He was not going to give Chris more ammunition. 

 

 

Sweden, 1997 

Justin flopped onto the hotel bed. “Can you believe this?” he said excitedly, getting to his feet and beginning to jump on the bed, “We are going to record our first single tomorrow!” 

JC rolled his eyes, “Just, stop it. Didn’t you’re mother ever tell you not to jump on the bed?” 

Justin continued to jump, “Yep.” He looked around, “But she’s not here, is she?” 

Joey grinned, “She’s right down the hall, would you like me to go get her?” 

Justin jumped one last time and landed on the bed in a sitting position. “You guys are no fun.” He looked at Chris, “Except for you, you’re fun.” 

Chris grinned and began jumping on the other bed. “My mom’s not here, so I can jump on the bed!” he gloated to Justin. 

Justin slumped against the headboard, “I take that back, you’re no fun, either.” 

Lance smiled as he watched his friends joke around with each other. He was sitting at the small desk in the hotel room, reading over a schedule. He liked to be on top of things, he always knew where they were going to be.  

He felt someone looking over his shoulder, and turned to see JC grinning at him. “What ya reading?” 

“Our schedule for the week. Did you guys know they set aside three days for us to record this song?” Lance turned in the chair to face the others. 

Chris stopped jumping and sat on the edge of the bed, “I guess they want to make sure we have enough time.” 

Justin frowned, “But three days, that’s a lot of time!” 

“None of us has ever really done this before, though,” Lance reminded Justin. “We don’t have any idea what they are going to want us to do in there.” 

Chris frowned at him, “I think we can figure it out, Lance,” he said with a superior tone of voice, “all we have to do is sing into a microphone.” 

Lance bit his lip, not wanting-and not knowing how-to reply to Chris’ statement. He felt a hand squeeze his shoulder and looked up at JC, who rolled his eyes. 

“Lance is right,” JC said to Chris, “I mean, me and Justin have a little experience, but when have you ever recorded a song? We have to arrange it, and make sure it’s perfect.” 

Chris was a little put off by JC’s response. He was really getting sick of JC always jumping to Lance’s defense. He crossed his arms over his chest, “We don’t have to arrange it, JC, they have professionals who do that,” he said, just for something to say. 

JC laughed shortly and turned away, “Whatever, Chris,” he said, winking at Lance. Lance ducked his head and went back to the schedule hiding his grin from the others. 

 

 

Summer, 1998 

Lance stretched out on the couch in the studio and shut his eyes. His hands were folded on his stomach, his feet propped up on the end of the couch. He willed himself to fall asleep for his half-hour break. 

The guys were in the studio, recording what was going to be their second album, a collection of Christmas songs. They haven’t had a day off in weeks, between promoting their debut album, they went into the studio every chance they had. Lance couldn’t even remember what songs they recorded already. He only knew today they were doing “The First Noel,” and an a cappella “Oh Holy Night.” 

A contented sigh escaped his lips as he moved to a more comfortable position on the couch. He rolled on his side, his back to the door. When he heard the door open, he was dying to turn around and look to see who came into the room, but was just too damn tired to make the effort. His questions were answered when he heard a one-sided phone conversation. 

“Bobbi, I’m trying to get a few days off, I really am, but it’s hectic right now,” JC’s hushed voice carried across the room. It got quieter when he realized Lance was asleep on the couch. “No, that’s not good for me. Can’t you come here?” 

Lance knew he should roll over, or cough or something, just to let JC know he could hear everything he was saying, but he didn’t. He just continued to listen. 

JC’s voice took on an anguished tone, “No, I don’t want us to break up. Look, we knew this was going to be hard. Just a few more weeks of this and it’ll be better, I promise.” He sat on a chair, and listened to her response, running a hand over his face. “I know, Bobbi, I know I said that last time, but what do you want me to do? I can’t change things.” He let out a heavy sigh, “Fine, I’ll call you later. Have fun at class.” 

Lance heard the beep of JC’s cell phone shutting off, and another deep sigh come from his lips. Lance still didn’t move. JC and Bobbi had met while the guys were in California, and were dating ever since. From what JC had told them, it wasn’t really serious, but from what Lance heard, it might be more serious than he was letting on. 

Lance didn’t know how JC did it. It was so hard to keep in contact with your friends and family while on the road. And a girlfriend was different, guys wanted to be around them, especially JC. He took everything he did seriously, and his relationship with Bobbi was no different. 

“Lance,” JC asked tentatively, “you up?” 

Lance rolled over and looked at him, “Yeah. Sorry, I didn’t mean to listen.” 

JC’s eyes raked over Lance’s tired face. He took in the flat blonde hair and the tired green eyes, and the way his mouth didn’t seem to naturally fall into his normal smile. “You know what, nevermind,” JC said, waving his hand, “I’ll go find Justin.” 

“No,” Lance said forcefully, “Stay.” 

JC shook his head, “Lance, you’re obviously tired, you don’t need this right now.” He stood and walked to the door. 

Lance sat up, “Look, JC, this is more important than a nap.” 

JC raised his eyebrows, “Nothing’s more important than a nap.” 

“Fine,” Lance said, grinning, “I’ll sleep. But, I want you to promise me we’ll talk about his later.” 

“Tonight,” JC agreed. They were staying in a hotel nearby, and Lance and JC were sharing a room. Lance nodded and he continued, smiling, “I’ll get the beer.” 

 

 

 

Nightfall found Lance and JC sitting on their respective beds, Indian style, facing each other. JC was slightly tipsy, and Lance was worried JC was going to start crying soon. 

“And then she said, ‘That’s what you said last time. I’m sick of being second string to your career.’ Can you believe her?” JC asked, raising his voice. “I mean, I offered to fly her out here, and she can’t come because of her sorority, and I’m the bad guy? At least I can’t go see her cause I’m trying to make some damn money! She won’t come to see me because of some chicks she has to pay to be friends with her!” 

Lance laughed out loud at JC. He and Bobbi had very different views about sororities. JC felt it was just a big clique, only you had to pay to belong. Bobbi, on the other hand, felt about sororities the same way anyone who belonged to one did: like it was a great big sisterhood. 

JC continued, smiling at Lance, who was still chuckling, “I was like, whatever! I’m sick of always being the one to blame, here. Why are we always the ones getting the blame?” he asked Lance. 

Lance’s _expression changed, “JC, I wouldn’t know anything about this. I don’t have a girlfriend, remember?” 

JC moved to sit next to him on the bed, taking Lance’s words harder than he meant them. “Don’t worry, Lance,” JC said, putting an arm around his shoulder, “you’ll find someone. And when you do, you won’t know what the hell hit you.” 

 

April, 1999 

“Five minutes, guys,” a bodyguard called. 

“Come on, Lance,” Chris complained, “kick it already.” 

Lance groaned in frustration. For whatever reason, he could not hit the hackey sack today. Chris lobbed an easy kick to him and he raised his foot, and missed the small ball. 

Justin flopped onto the ground, “That’s it, we have to cancel the damn show,” he said dramatically. 

JC grinned, “No, we’ll just have to delay it.” 

“Ha ha, guys, very funny,” Lance muttered. He didn’t know what was wrong with him today. All day he was in a bad mood. He wiped beads of sweat off his forehead and looked at JC, “Let’s try it again.” 

JC studied Lance closely, “Are you okay?” 

Lance shrugged, “Yeah, why?” 

“I don’t know, you just look a little pale, that’s all.” 

Joey laughed, “JC, that’s his normal skin color.” 

Lance shot Joey a withering glare, “I’m fine, just a little frustrated, that’s all.” 

The door suddenly opened and two women walked in. The one, a tall blonde, lingered at the door, knowing she was intruding on “group time.” The other, a thin, dark haired woman walked right in and up to her boyfriend, wrapping her arms around his waist.  

“Hey baby,” she whispered in his ear. 

JC glanced at the guys, who were all looking at him. “Hey,” he said, trying to get out of Bobbi’s semi-embrace. “What are you doing here?” 

Bobbi pouted, “Don’t you want to see me?” 

Joey caught Lance’s eye and rolled his own, causing Lance to grin. 

The blond at the door sighed, “I told her she shouldn’t come in here.” Chris glanced at his girlfriend and smiled slightly at her. 

Bobbi huffed, “I don’t know why you won’t allow anyone in here now. I just want to see you, it’s not like I see you enough.” 

JC sucked his breath through his teeth, “Low blow, Bobbi,” he said lowly. 

Justin raised his hands, “Look, who cares about this now? We really need to kick this around, we’re running out of time.” 

As if on cue, the bodyguards’ voice floated back, “Two minutes.” 

JC motioned to the door and spoke to Bobbi, “Go over there, we need to do this.” 

Surprisingly enough, she listened to him. She stood with Danielle at the door while the guys tried a final time to kick the hackey around, this time starting with Lance, who managed to kick it on the third try. 

After Justin kicked the hackey the final time, the guys grabbed their stuff and filed out the door. Lance trudged behind the rest of them, watching JC and Bobbi walk in front, their heads bent close to each other. 

Lance sighed heavily. Something was wrong. Lately, seeing Bobbi was becoming like hearing nails on a chalkboard for Lance. And she hadn’t changed. She was still the same sweet, slightly over-bearing girl she always had been. He was probably just getting too much of her, that was all. He and JC had been sharing a room for the first leg of the tour, and whenever possible, she was there. 

She had decided that JC’s career was too important for him to lose out on, and she had been taking more and more time out to visit him while on the road. She somehow managed to schedule her classes for the middle of the week, leaving Friday, Monday, and the whole weekend free. And that’s when she would see JC. Not every weekend, but most of them. And for the last month, she had been a constant thorn in Lance’s side. 

He was trying to sleep, they would come in late at night. 

He was trying to talk on the phone about his management company, she would have the TV on, watching her soaps. 

He wanted to get a shower, she was in the bathroom, doing whatever she did every morning that took an hour. 

He wanted to talk to JC, she was there, monopolizing his every waking minute. 

And he didn’t blame JC, he couldn’t. If the roles were reversed, he’d want to see his girlfriend as much as possible, too. That’s probably all it was, he reasoned, he was jealous at the amount of time JC saw Bobbi. Lance couldn’t see his own girlfriend that much because she had her TV show to worry about and their schedules hardly ever meshed. 

But, boy did he miss his best friend. 

 

 

 

May, 1999 

“Lance, are you sure you’re okay?” JC asked for like the hundredth time that day. 

Lance groaned as he rolled on his back, “I’m fine, now go away,” he commanded. 

JC ignored him and sat on the side of the hotel bed, “You don’t look fine,” he commented. “In fact you look pale.” 

 

“That’s just my normal skin color,” he muttered under his breath. He sighed, “JC, I appreciate your concern, I really do, but please leave me alone, I’m just tired.” 

JC crossed his arms and adopted a worried _expression, “It seems lately you’re always tired, though, Lance. This is so unlike you.” He moved closer to Lance, and Lance could feel the heat radiating from his body. JC placed his hand on Lance’s forehead, “You’re burning up,” he told him. 

Lance shrugged his hand away, “No, I’m not. I’m actually a little cold.” 

JC immediately stood and pulled the comforter around Lance. “That’s it, I’m not going.” Lance began to protest, and JC held up a hand, “No, Lance. You’re sick, and I don’t need to go to a club tonight with Joey. I’d just be worried about you anyway.” He picked up the phone and broke the news to Joey. Hanging up, he looked to see Lance had already closed his eyes.  

A thin layer of sweat was on Lance’s brow, and JC bit his lip in worry. What was he supposed to do? The past few weeks, Lance had steadily become sicker. To the general public, he looked fine, but to a trained eye, like JC’s, he looked horrible. 

His normally bright green eyes were faded, like all the light and sparkle were gone. His complexion, normally pale, was now pasty, with no color what-so-ever. There were dark circles under his eyes, and his nose was red, a result of constant running. There were deep creases on his forehead and around his eyes and mouth, and his eyelids seemed to always be drooping shut. 

JC turned and went into the bathroom, wetting a wash cloth with cold water and taking a bottle of flu pills from his bag. He filled a glass with water and retreating to the bedroom, once again sat next to Lance on the bed. He reached forward and gently lay the cloth on Lance’s forehead, brushing back his lank, blonde hair with his finger. 

Lance involuntarily moaned at the damp cloth and lifted his head at the touch of JC’s finger. JC opened the bottle of medicine, “Here,” he said softly, “take two of these.” 

Lance opened one eye to see JC above him, looking at him with a very concerned _expression on his face. In his hand, he held two green pills, and as Lance nodded, he reached for the glass of water he set on the night table. Lance sat up slightly, and JC held the washcloth in place as Lance downed the pills. Lance shivered as he lie beneath the covers. 

“Do you want a sweatshirt?” JC asked him. 

Lance shook his head, “No. I just want to sleep.” 

“Okay,” JC amended, “I’ll be in the other room if you need anything.” He stood next to the bed, looking down at Lance, feeling he should do more, but not knowing what that was. Finally, he reached down and brushed his hand on Lance’s cheek, “Get some sleep,” he whispered and left the room, shutting the light out as he went. 

The next morning, Lance woke up in a cold sweat. He pulled the covers closer to his body and was surprised at the weight of them. He opened one eye and looked at them. 

Apparently, during the night, JC decided he needed more blankets. Along with his own blanket and comforter, there were two more blankets and the comforter from JC’s bed. Snuggling up in them, Lance sniffed and once again shut his eyes. 

It couldn’t have been more than five minutes later, he heard JC’s voice. “Lance? You awake?” 

“Yeah,” he said hoarsely, “I’m up.” He rolled on his back and threw an arm over his head. Deciding it was too cold outside the blankets, he immediately pulled it back. 

JC moved towards him, his hands outstretched, holding two more pills and a glass of water, “Feel any better?” 

Lance shook his head as he sat up, pulling a comforter around his shoulder, “Not even a little bit.” 

JC cocked his head, “Maybe you shouldn’t go today.” 

 

Lance laughed bitterly, “Yeah right, JC. Like that’ll happen.”  

The guys had to perform at Disney’s Summer Jam Concert that afternoon. Lance knew he shouldn’t be on stage, but he felt as if he didn’t have a choice. A few nights ago, he didn’t want to go on, but Lou had made him, giving him a guilt trip about all the fans that would be disappointed. 

JC rested his hand on Lance’s forehead, “Come on, Lance, he’s got to see how sick you are!” 

Lance shook his head, “he doesn’t care, JC, don’t you see that?” 

JC paced angrily, “Well I do! You’re one of my best friends, and you should be in a hospital, not on some stage in 80 degree weather!” 

Lance smiled at JC’s concern. He had been the first to notice when Lance began to get sick, and took it upon himself to try to find a cure for whatever was wrong with Lance. Lance himself denied he was even sick, so he ended up dumping the millions of bowls of chicken noodle soup JC thought would miraculously cure him down the drain. Now he wasn’t so sure if he should have done that. 

Lance groaned as he stood up, swaying a bit on his feet. JC reached out to steady him as he began to fall, and Lance grabbed onto JC’s arms for support, closing his eyes to the spinning room. When he opened them, he was inches from JC’s face. 

Suddenly feeling very uncomfortable, Lance pushed JC away and made his way to the bathroom. Lance shut the door behind him and looked in the mirror above the sink. His face was red and he felt the familiar burn of embarrassment below the surface.  

What was his problem? Why was uncomfortable around JC all of a sudden? He was just trying to help him get better. Lance closed his eyes and when he did, all he saw was JC’s concerned face looking at him. Lance suddenly wondered what JC was thinking at that moment. Quickly opening his eyes, he forced the thoughts out of his mind. This was crazy! He must really be delirious. JC was obviously just concerned about his heath, his well being. What else would he be thinking? And why was he spending so much time agonizing over JC thoughts? 

Lance turned on the shower and stepped underneath the spray, pushing the last thought of JC out of his mind, and instead concentrating on how he was going to make it through the day. 

 

 

 

The door slowly opened, causing light from the hallway to spill into the sterile, white room. A head poked in the room and glanced around, taking in the form on the bed. Hearing noises in the hall, he quickly drew himself all the way into the room and quietly shut the door behind him, cutting off the main light supply. A shade was drawn over the single window, blocking out any light that may have come from the outside. Although darkness shrouded the city, the lights in the parking lot were sufficiently bright for the occupants of the room to see. 

After drawing back the shades to allow the amber light to filter through the window, JC glanced around the room to find a chair. Seeing one in the shadows in the corner of the room, he quietly drug it across the floor and next to the bed. Sitting down, he reached for the sleeping man’s hand, careful not to disturb the IV that was feeding into a vein on the top of his hand. Shuddering at the thought of a needle in his body, JC pulled his gaze upward to the man’s face. 

He looked so peaceful lying there. The IV fed fluids and medicine into the young man’s body, finally allowing him to have a peaceful nights sleep, without the interruptions of night chills and fever. His breathing was steady and even with the occasional raspiness of fluid in the lungs. JC could see his chest rising and falling and he watched the gentle movement, remembering the events of that afternoon. 

Lance had insisted he was fine. The whole ride to Disney, JC sat across from him, watching for any sign that would prove otherwise. Lance knew his eyes were on him, and steadily ignored his gaze, resting his head on the back of the limo seat and closing his eyes. JC thought he briefly fell asleep, but he wasn’t sure because as soon as the limo stopped, Lance opened his eyes and sat up straight. 

Sound check was bad, too. Lance just sat on the edge of the stage, singing into his microphone lifelessly, making his voice just loud enough to be picked up. Lou had stood in the wings, his beefy arms crossed over his chest, a glare directed towards Lance. 

JC saw Lou and walked up to him. “Hey Lou,” he greeted him. 

Lou turned his gaze on the star in front of him, “Hey, JC. How’s it going?” 

JC shook his head, “Not too good.” His eyes turned to Lance, who was sitting in front of the drummer, his head resting on his hand. 

Lou nodded, “I can see that. You better have a talk with Lance and tell him I expect him to perform better this afternoon. He needs to give 110% after this little sound check performance.” 

JC stared incredulously at Lou. He couldn’t believe the coldness in the man’s tone. Couldn’t he see that Lance was sick? That he should be resting, not performing? JC cleared his throat, “That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about, Lou,” he said. He noticed Chris making his way across the stage to where they were standing. 

Lou looked back at JC and raised his eyebrows. “Oh?” he asked simply. 

JC was determined not to back down under Lou’s superior gaze. He sensed Chris standing just behind him, and prayed Chris would back him up. “Yeah. Lance has been sick for a while now, and I don’t think he should be performing today.” 

“You don’t?” 

JC swallowed and nodded, “No. He has a fever and he really needs his rest. He performed every night this past week and went to his interviews and did all his PR, and I think he really needs a break.” JC’s words came rushing out. He took a deep breath, “This isn’t really that important, and he could miss this.” 

Lou stared at JC, his eyes narrowing, “This isn’t that important, JC? This is Disney. Disney made you famous, remember that? You will perform today like it is your last concert.” He met JC’s eyes, “You will all perform today.”  

JC held the man’s gaze as long as he could, but he still ended up being the one who backed down first. He took a step backward and felt Chris’s hand on his back to keep him from stepping on his feet. 

“I kind of agree with JC, Lou,” Chris spoke up. 

JC whipped his head in Chris’ direction. What? Was Chris actually supporting Lance? JC couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Chris always found a reason to get on Lance’s case, to ride him. In the beginning it was his dancing, and Lance worked and worked until he was just as good as the others. Then Chris moved on to his hair, and Lance changed his style many times before Chris finally gave up on that. Then Chris moved on to his silly phrases. And everyone noticed that Lance said, “Cause I’m from Mississippi” a lot less lately. 

This was just not like Chris to give Lance an opportunity to rest. 

Lou wiped a hand over his face, clearing it of the sweat that was there previous. He then wiped it on his pants, leaving a dark stain. If the situation were different, JC would have laughed at the man’s unclassiness. “I don’t really care if the Pope agrees with JC,” Lou spoke to Chris, “you are all going to perform this afternoon. You have off tonight and tomorrow, he can sleep then.” Lou gave them one last look and walked away. 

JC didn’t think he could hate Lou more than he did at that moment. 

Chris put his hand on JC’s shoulder, “Sorry, man. I know you really didn’t want Lance out there today.” 

JC nodded and bit his lip, glancing back towards Lance. He now had his head hung between his legs and their manager, Johnny was squatting next to him, speaking softly to him. JC noticed Lance nod and lift his head up and look at the sky, closing his eyes.  

And somehow, JC knew Lance was fighting not to cry.  

 

 

 

Somehow, Lance made it through the three songs they performed. Between each take, he guzzled from a bottle of water while sitting on the edge of the stage. As the others mingled with the crowd in the first few rows, more than one person asked if Lance was okay. JC did his best to smile at each concerned face and make up his lies about Lance just being really tired. 

After their last song, the guys filed off the stage. JC was walking next to Lance, not saying anything. 

“Josh,” Lance whispered as his walk slowed. 

JC looked worriedly at Lance. Whenever one of the guys called him Josh, he knew it was serious. And he wasn’t wrong this time. Lance managed to say his name one more time before his legs gave out. JC barely had time to catch him before he hit the ground. 

JC’s knees buckled as Lance fell towards him. He managed to stay standing and called for the others who were a few steps ahead of them. When they turned around to see JC sitting on the ground, Lance’s head in his lap, they rushed to JC’s side. 

“What happened?” Justin said, his eyes wide, the color rushing from his face, and terror in his voice. 

JC gently slapped Lance’s cheeks in an effort to wake him up. “I don’t know, he just fainted.” JC looked away from Lance’s face to see Justin, Joey, and Chris all kneeling next to him. Joey was dumping his bottle of water onto his towel and pressing it to Lance’s forehead. 

Chris yelled to their security guard to call 911. 

“No,” a voice said. 

JC looked up in surprise, who didn’t want them to get help? 

Lou pushed his way towards them, and JC’s lip curled in disgust. “He doesn’t need an ambulance,” Lou said. 

JC gently laid Lance’s head on his towel and stood up, getting in Lou’s face. “This is your fault,” he spat out angrily, pointing a finger in the man’s chest. “You did this to him. You didn’t listen when we said he shouldn’t go on. If something happens to him, you’re the one who has to live with it!” 

JC felt a hand on his shoulder, gently pulling him away from Lou. He turned to see Joey tugging him backwards. He shook his arm free and once again stood in front of the man who gave him his start. 

“I hope you’re happy,” he said bitterly. “I hope you got what you wanted today.” JC turned away and then stopped, looking back at Lou, “We’re taking him to the hospital now, I hope you’re ready for the publicity, cause I’m going to tell everyone exactly why he is in this position.” 

Lou smiled thinly at JC. “You will do no such thing. You will tell the press that Lance has the flu or exhaustion or whatever it is he may have. This is not my fault, and no one will believe you. And if you try to go against me, JC,” Lou leaned in close, “I will crush you.” 

Joey once again pulled at JC’s arm. JC’s eyes narrowed as he stared at Lou. “This is not the end of this, Lou. I promise you that.” 

Lou crossed his arms over his chest and smirked at JC. “This is the end of this, JC. I own you.” 

JC angrily pulled his arm away from Joey, and took a step forward. Joey let him go, but remained close. 

“Josh,” Justin pleaded quietly from his place beside Lance. 

JC turned to look at Justin. There were tears in his eyes as he knelt next to Lance. JC could see the pain in the young man’s eyes. 

“Don’t do this,” Justin asked quietly, “not now.” 

JC nodded at Justin before turning back to Lou. “It’s not over,” he promised quietly and then turned away. 

 

 

 

JC closed his eyes and rested his forehead on the bed next to Lance’s arm. His mind was racing with thoughts of Lou. What right did he have to treat them like this? Sure, he gave them their start, but that didn’t make them his slaves! Lance should have gone to the hospital or at least a doctor weeks ago! JC knew that, he saw his friend slowly get sicker and sicker. But no, Lou wouldn’t give him time off to see someone, it was always, go here for this interview, be here for that appearance. Can’t disappoint the fans. 

What if something worse had happened to Lance? What if it was worse than exhaustion?  

JC raised his head from the sheets. No, he wouldn’t think about that. Lance was fine, Lance was going to fully recover, and they could go on. 

If only they could get away from Lou. 

 

 

 

August, 1999 

The door slammed and angry footsteps were heard in the hallway of Justin’s mom’s house. Justin, Joey, JC and Lance looked towards the doorway of the living room to see Chris come storming into the room. 

“I can’t believe that guy!” he said as he threw his hat onto the chair. 

The four guys looked at each other.  

“Who?” Joey asked. 

“Lou!” Chris replied as if they should have known who he was talking about. He began to pace across the room. 

Justin held up the remote and muted the television. “What happened?” 

Chris flopped onto the chair that he threw his hat on. “We are so getting screwed, guys, I’m telling you.” Apparently deciding he had too much energy to sit, he once again stood up. 

“Would you please tell us what the hell you’re talking about?” Joey requested. 

Chris stopped and turned to them. “Well, you know I wanted to buy a house, right?” The guys nodded, and he continued, “Okay, so I go to Lou and ask him for some money, money that we should have, right?” He looked at JC. 

“Right,” JC agreed. 

“Well, guess what?” Without waiting for an answer, he plunged on, “Lou tells me that he can loan me money for the house, but I’ll have to pay him back in the future. So I say, don’t I have this money coming to me? And he spouts out all kinds of bull shit about where our money has gone. Do you guys realize we’ve only made about twenty-five thousand dollars this year?” 

The guys exchanged surprised looks. “That’s not right,” Justin said. 

Lance shook his head, “Yeah, we should have made more than that. We have an album that went platinum multiple times. We had sold out shows all across the country. How is that possible?” 

 

Chris glared at Lance, “I don’t know how it’s possible, Lance, but that’s what happened.” 

 

Lance didn’t reply and looked at his feet. He felt JC squeeze his arm, “He’s just angry,” he muttered. 

Lance nodded. Just angry. This time, anyway. And what was it last time when Chris got on his case? Oh yeah, he’s just tired. He’s just hungry, he’s just stressed out. It was always something with Chris. Lance was getting pretty sick and tired himself of the way Chris treated him sometimes. 

He tuned back into the conversation when he heard JC’s voice. Thank God for JC. He was always there when Chris put him down, he was always there to stick up for him. Lance found himself relying on JC, almost hiding behind JC when Chris was around. He found that if he was alone with Chris, or with Chris and Joey or Justin, he didn’t say much, he kept to himself a lot more. 

JC had tried to talk to Lance about Chris one time. He told him to brush him off, to not let Chris bother him. But Lance couldn’t do that. He had never been the type to stand up to people, he always took everything to heart. And sometimes that opened him up for a lot of pain and hurt. But that’s who he was, and he can’t change who he is. 

“He doesn’t give a damn about us,” JC was saying. “Look at that day Lance was sick. I asked him to let Lance sit out, and he flatly refused to do it.” Lance glanced at JC in surprise, he hadn’t known JC intervened with Lou on his behalf. He ducked his head and smiled as JC continued, “And then he didn’t want Lance to go to the hospital.” JC angrily shook his head, “I want out.”  

Lance whipped his head in JC’s direction. “What?” he asked. 

JC nodded, “yeah, I want out. We don’t have to put up with him. Not only is he taking our money, money that we’ve earned, but he doesn’t give a damn about us. He’s robbing us of everything, guys! When he starts putting our health in danger, then it’s time to get out.” 

“Can we do this?” Justin quietly asked. Everyone turned to Lance. 

Lance blew out his breath and rested his arms on his knees. Spreading his hands, he shrugged, “It’s not going to be easy. We do have a contract with them.” He looked into his friends’ defeated eyes, “But, maybe there’s some way to prove that he’s taking more than his share. There may be a loop hole somewhere.” He turned to JC, “Why don’t you have your uncle take a look at the contracts? He may be able to find something.” 

 

JC nodded, he hadn’t even thought of his uncle the lawyer. After a short silence, he looked up and met Chris’ gaze. “Do you want to do this?” Chris nodded. He then turned to Justin asking him the same thing. Then Joey. And finally his gaze met Lance’s.

 

Staring JC straight in the eyes, Lance nodded. “Let’s do this.” 

 

 

 

The next few months were hell for the guys. As expected, Lou gave them a huge hassle about leaving the label. But the guys were popular enough and respected enough to get an offer from Jive records. Jive wanted them bad enough, they put their best team of lawyers on ‘N Syncs case. For their parts, the guys felt like they were being pulled in a million directions. They were still recording their next album, most of which had to be re-recorded since Trans-Con owned the rights to the songs, on top of that, they had promotional things to do for the CD. They wanted to keep themselves in the public eye so the fans wouldn’t forget about them. On top of that, they weren’t really allowed to say anything to the press about what was happening. In reality, they were only able to discuss the lawsuit with a few select people. Mostly, that meant each other. 

“Are you worried?” Lance quietly asked JC one night. It was just before Thanksgiving and they were in New York to tape a Rosie O’Donnell show the next day. 

JC propped his feet up on the balcony railing and stuck a peanut in his mouth. He was quiet for so long, Lance was about to repeat his question. “Sure,” he replied. “I’m worried. Who wouldn’t be? I mean, what if Lou wins? Or what if we win but we can’t keep our name? Or what if we still have to pay Lou an atrocious amount of money? There’s a million questions in my mind, and no answers.” He turned to Lance. “Are you worried?” 

Lance grinned crookedly, “I wasn’t until now,” he joked. JC laughed at him and threw a peanut at him. It landed in his hair. Lance ran his hand over his head, “Get it out,” he laughed. 

JC reached across the small table between them and Lance leaned forward, his head tilted down. JC picked out the peanut, “Wait, it broke, you have shell stuff in your hair. Jeez, use enough gel?”  

“Just get it out,” Lance commanded. 

JC gently ran his hand over Lance’s hair to rid it of the peanut shell, and suddenly, Lance wasn’t laughing anymore. JC’s fingers were gently on his head, and his scalp tingled where JC touched it. Lance felt his face getting red, and he pulled away, not knowing what the hell just happened. 

JC looked at him, surprised, “You okay?” 

Lance was thankful for the darkness. “Yeah,” he said shortly.

 

JC’s cell phone rang, preventing him from asking any more questions. Picking it off the table, he raised it to his ear, “Hello?” Lance looked over the city lights and tried not to listen to JC. “Hey Bobbi,” JC’s voice had a smile in it, and Lance closed his eyes. “Good, Lance and I are just hanging out,” he turned to Lance, “she says hi.” Lance raised a hand and JC turned back to the phone, “he says hi.” JC stood and walked into the room while talking. 

Lance sighed and dropped his head back onto the chair. Bobbi. She always knew just when to call. 

God, what was his problem?  

After a few minutes, JC came back out on the balcony, “She’s going to come to Orlando for Christmas,” he announced, “and to Hawaii with us for New Years.” 

 

Lance tried to be excited for JC’s sake. “Great.” 

JC looked sideways at Lance. “You okay?” he asked again. 

Lance nodded, not responding. 

JC shook his head, “Something’s wrong. Is it Bobbi?” 

Lance glanced at him. JC had such a worried look on his face Lance almost smiled. JC couldn’t stand the fact that he may not like his girlfriend. So what was he supposed to say?  

“No, JC, Bobbi’s great,” he managed to get out.  

JC breathed a sigh of relief and sat back in his chair, “Then what’s wrong?” Lance shrugged. “You miss Danielle?” he tried. 

Yes, there was his out. He had no idea what his problem was, so he could just run with this idea. He nodded towards JC. “Yeah, you know, with the holidays and stuff. And you have Bobbi, and Chris has Dani, and Justin has Brit.” 

 

JC grinned, “Now that’s just a rumor.” 

JC’s lame attempt at humor caused Lance to smile. “Whatever,” he grinned. “I just wish I had someone around, that’s all. And it’s better that we broke up, I mean, we hardly ever saw each other anyway.” 

 

JC studied him quietly, “Did you love her?” 

Lance was surprised at the question. He found himself wondering why he and JC never talked about this before, they always seemed to talk about everything. Then he realized that Danielle and him broke up during a time when Bobbi always seemed to be around.  

He forced himself to concentrate on JC’s question. Did he love her? They were together for seven months, and Lance couldn’t remember one time he told her he did. 

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. 

“You were with her a long time,” JC reasoned. 

Lance nodded, “Yeah I know. Funny, now that I think about it, I never told her I loved her.” Lance shook his head ruefully, “I’ve never told anyone that I loved them.” 

JC glanced at him in surprise, “Really? Not even puppy love in high school?” 

“No,” Lance shrugged, “never. I guess I have this unrealistic ideal that none of my relationships measured up to.” 

JC faced him fully, “That surprises me,” he said. 

Lance turned his head slightly to look at him. “Why?” 

JC shrugged, “I guess because you’re such an open person. You let people in easily, it’s hard not to like you. And I see you letting girls in, letting them get close, and loving them very quickly.” JC dropped his voice slightly, “I see you as the type of guy who would get hurt a lot for that reason.” 

 

There was something in JC’s tone that made Lance look over at him. JC was still facing him, but there wasn’t a trace of a smile on his face. He stared at Lance with concern in his eyes, his mouth turned slightly downward. 

“Does that bother you?” Lance asked quietly. 

JC nodded, “Yeah, it does,” he answered softly. 

“Why?” 

“I don’t know. I guess I don’t want to see you get hurt.”  

Silence hung between them as they looked at each other. But this was a different silence than before. They appraised each other in a new light, something between them had changed. 

Neither one knew what it was. 

 

 

December 31, 1999 

I so don’t want to be here, Lance thought.  

He stood at the edge of the room, a glass of champagne in his hand. He really should be celebrating. It was a new year, the lawsuit had been cleared up, they were with Jive, ready to release their album in a few months. And they were in Hawaii. 

Paradise. Yeah right, he thought. Some paradise. His eyes moved across the floor and rested on JC and Bobbi. They were standing at the punch bowl, talking to JC’s parents. JC had his arm slung around her shoulders and when she spoke, he looked down at her with such devotion, it made Lance’s heart ache. 

Joey was suddenly there, “Hey Scoop!” he slurred slightly. “Happy New Year!” 

Lance laughed, “It’s not the new year yet, Joey,” he reminded him. 

Joey waved a hand drunkenly, “Who cares?” he asked. He tapped Lance’s glass with his own, “Drink up!” he commanded. 

Lance did as he was told and raised the glass to his lips. Letting the liquid warm his insides, he downed the glass. 

“My man!” Joey cheered. He stopped a waiter and placed the empty glasses on the tray, picking up two full ones. “What time is it?” he asked.

 

Lance glanced at his watch, “Two minutes until midnight.” 

As if the DJ heard him, the music stopped and the DJ began to speak. 

“Ladies and gentleman, can I have your attention please? We just have few minutes before the new millenium, and I wanted to give you enough warning! So, find that person you want to be with when the clock strikes twelve!”  

People began moving about the crowded room, searching for their loved ones. Lance and Joey remained where they were. Justin broke away from the person he was talking to and moved to their side. Chris and Dani weren’t far behind. Lance didn’t see JC, and felt a pang of disappointment that he wasn’t going to be there. 

The countdown started at thirty. At twenty, Lance felt someone throw their arm around his shoulders. He turned slightly to see JC grinning at him. His face broke out into a wide smile. 

“Hey,” he said over the counting. “Was getting worried.” 

“Hey,” JC replied, grinning. “Where else would I be at midnight?” His arm stayed where it was, the other around Bobbi, who was between him and Justin. “I wanted to be with my best friend,” he grinned at Lance. 

Lance ignored the skip in his heart. 

“Three, two, one!”  

Balloons fell from the ceiling, confetti was shot out of cannons and everyone seemed to be hugging everyone. JC turned to Bobbi, Chris turned to Dani, and Joey grabbed Lance, Justin jumping on top of them. They shared a laughing group hug before Justin got off Lance’s back and Joey let him go. Chris hugged Lance, and then turned to someone else, and Lance turned around. 

Right into JC. 

JC smiled at him, “Happy New Year, Lance,” he said quietly. 

Somehow Lance heard him over all the noise, “Happy New Year, JC,” he replied. JC grinned and held open his arms. 

Lance hugged JC, and wondered why he felt so at home. 

 

 

 

May, 2000 

Joey listened to Lance talk about JC for the better part of an hour. He was transfixed, he had never seen Lance like this before. 

He must really have it bad. 

He listened to Lance highlight their five year friendship, knowing there were probably details Lance left out. Lance spoke with passion, his eyes happy while speaking of JC, and darkening slightly when Bobbi’s name came up. 

His voice rang with what Joey would call admiration when he spoke of JC defending him to Chris. It made Joey wish he opened his mouth once in a while in defense of Lance. He never realized how Lance felt when Chris constantly teased him. 

When Lance spoke of being sick, Joey was transported back to that time. He remembered how frantic JC was. He remembered JC sneaking into Lance’s room after visiting hours were over just so Lance wouldn’t be alone. He remembered the look on JC’s face when he stood up to Lou at Disney. He was sure if he wasn’t there, JC would have kicked Lou’s fat ass. He thought about how different JC was those few days Lance was in the hospital. It was like his best friend was gone. 

And he was. 

Joey began to wonder how JC really felt about Lance. 

 

 

 

IF WE LET THINGS TERRIFY US, LIFE WILL NOT BE WORTH LIVING. 

*SENECA, EPISTLES, 1ST CENT. AD 

CHAPTER SIX-FEARS 

Joey studied Lance under the dim moonlight. His head was tilted back, resting on the wall, his eyes shut. His mouth opened slightly as he sighed, a soft sound escaping his lips. He raised the bottle of beer in his hand to his lips and took a long swallow.  

“What took you so long?” Joey asked him. 

Lance turned towards Joey. “What do you mean?” 

Joey shrugged and sat back in his chair, propping his feet on the railing. “I mean, it sounds to me like you fell for JC a while ago. What took you so long to admit it?” 

Lance stared at Joey incredulously. What was he talking about? He just realized his feelings a week ago! He hadn’t been in love with JC that long, it just hit him overnight. “What do you mean, Joe? I didn’t fall for JC that long ago, I just realized it. And I admitted it to myself as soon as I did.” 

Joey gave him a sly grin. “You’re so damn naïve, Lance.” 

Lance sat up straight and faced Joey fully, his legs now dangling off the railing. There was anger in his green eyes and his mouth turned downward. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” 

Joey shrugged, “I mean…come on, Lance. You’ve been in love with JC since at least April or May. It’s been a year, for God sakes.” 

Lance felt his mouth drop open. He moved it as if to say something, but no words came out. He tried again, but found he couldn’t talk. He had no idea what to say to Joey’s statement. A year? He’s been in love for a year and didn’t know it? That was just not possible. If he were in love, he would know. 

Joey laughed as he watched Lance struggle to speak. “Okay, Lance, close your mouth, flies will get in.” 

Lance glared at Joey. “What do you mean a year?” he finally managed to get out. 

“I’ve been listening to you talk to me about JC for a long time tonight. And from what you said, you noticed feelings for him when you were sick.” He shrugged, “That was last May. And maybe you weren’t in love with him yet, but that was at least something.” 

Lance’s shoulders slumped. Joey was right. He clearly remembered standing at the sink, wondering what JC was thinking. And he remembered the surge that went through him when he found out JC asked Lou for him not to perform. And he remembered that simple hug on New Years Eve. The hug that had him believing he was complete. 

“I guess I was scared,” Lance whispered hoarsely. 

Joey’s gaze sharply focused on Lance. “What?” 

Lance picked his head up, and met Joey’s eyes. Joey could see the slight moisture beginning to appear in Lance’s eyes. Lance moved his hand up and raked it over his face, wiping any tears that Joey thought he saw away. When he spoke, he spoke so softly that Joey strained his ears to hear him. 

“I was scared, Joe, so I bottled up what I was feeling. I ignored the thoughts that would race through my mind when he was around. I chalked it up to deep friendship, the kind where you’re closer than family. I didn’t want to admit to myself that maybe, just maybe it was something more.” He shook his head and the moonlight jumped off his blonde spikes, “I didn’t want to realize that the feelings I had for JC ran deeper than the feelings I had for the rest of you guys.” 

Joey studied Lance, “And now?” he asked softly, “what changed?” 

Lance shook his head again and met Joey’s gaze, “I don’t know.” 

 

 

 

Lance jumped off the divider between the rooms and took a seat on the chair next to Joey. He set his empty beer bottle in the bucket with the melted ice, but didn’t take another out. He had enough for one night. 

He was tired. But, strangely, he felt as if a huge weight was lifted off his chest. A weight that he had been carrying around for a year that had increasingly gotten heavier the past week.  

“You gonna tell the others?” Joey’s voice interrupted his thoughts. 

Lance gave him a panicked look, “No!” he said forcefully. 

“Why not?” Joey asked, “You really should tell them.” 

Lance stood and began pacing in the small space the balcony provided. “And what would I tell them, Joe? Hey, guys, I think I’m gay and I know I’m in love with JC? Yeah, Joe, great idea.” He stopped pacing and turned to Joey. “You can’t tell them,” he said, panic in his voice. “Please, Joe, promise me you won’t tell them.” 

Joey bit his lip as he studied Lance. “I wouldn’t do that to you, Lance, you should know that. But I can’t keep this a secret forever. You have to tell them eventually.” 

Lance felt his eyes burn with tears at the thought of the others finding out. He would lose everything. “No, I can’t.’ 

“Lance…” Joey started. 

“No!” Lance interrupted forcefully, “God, why can’t you understand that? Do you have any idea what the hell I’m feeling right now?” His hands were clenched in fists at his sides and he willed himself to relax. “I’m trying to come to terms with a feeling that I don’t even understand! All my life I’ve liked girls, Joey. And now, all of a sudden I’m having these thoughts about JC. About a guy! And it scares me to death. I don’t know why it’s happening, I don’t know where it’s coming from and I don’t understand it! And on top of that, everything I believe in is screaming at me, telling me that this is wrong, that I’m a sinner that I’m going to rot in hell for the rest of my life. All because of one man who has no idea the effect he has on me! And I can’t tell him, or Justin, or Chris what is going on. Because JC knows me that well. He’ll take one look at me and know I’m not telling him everything. And when he finds out,” Lance paused and took a deep breath, “When he finds out that I’m in love with him, he’ll run.” Lance’s voice fell to a whisper, “and I don’t think I could handle that.”  

Joey looked up at Lance who had stopped pacing when he began talking. His voice was ragged, laced with emotion, and Joey realized just how scared and lost Lance was feeling. 

“Lance, it’s okay to have feelings about a guy. That doesn’t make you a bad person.” Joey decided to go for what he thought was really bothering Lance. He knew how important God and religion were to Lance, and from one sentence Lance uttered in his little speech, Joey knew it was on the front burner in his mind. 

“It might not make me a bad person, Joey, but it makes me a sinner.” 

Joey snorted and shook his head, “Lance, come on! I know you have these strict moral beliefs, and don’t get me wrong, I think that’s great, but if you ask me, this is one time you’re going to have to bend a little. Personally, I’d rather rot in hell, and know I was happy on Earth, happy with my choices, than go to Heaven and feel as if I didn’t live my life to the fullest.” 

“Easy for you to say, Joey. You like women.” 

Joey grinned at Lance, who had sat down again and crossed his arms over his chest, pouting. “Okay, I’ll give you that. But last time I checked, it was a sin to have pre-marital sex.” He smirked and sat back, “And I do a lot of that.” 

Lance laughed at Joey, “That’s completely different.” 

Joey said one word, “Why?” 

Lance glanced at him. “Cause it is,” he stammered. 

Joey shrugged, “Okay. But if it is, tell me why. Tell me why it’s different that I sin with women and you sin by loving a man.” He raised his hands, palms up, “Seems to me as if we’re both sinning.” 

Lance opened his mouth and closed it. “Dammit, Joe! That’s twice in one night I have nothing to say!” 

Joey grinned and relaxed in his chair, “Okay, then. Moving on.” He again propped his feet on the railing and pushed back, tipping his chair on the back legs. “Now that we’ve established that we’re both going to hell…let’s see. Oh yeah, telling the guys.”  

A shadow crossed over Lance’s face, and he decided that he was going to have another beer after all. “No,” he said as he twisted the cap off the bottle. 

“I’m not going to force you, Lance,” Joey said seriously. “But I want you to think about it, please?” 

“I did. And no.” 

Joey sighed as he brought his chair back on all four legs. “Look, Lance, you’ve done a lot of talking tonight, and now it’s my turn, okay?” He turned the chair so he was facing Lance without having to turn his head. “We are your best friends. We love you, like you said before, we’re family. Contrary to what you may believe, we are not going to turn our backs on you. And you may find this hard to believe, but we can read you like a book. You don’t hide your emotions very well. And sooner or later, the other guys are going to get their heads out of their asses and realize that something’s not right with you. Hell, I’ve noticed that you weren’t yourself this past week. Why do you think I wanted you to come out with us? Why do you think I came up to you in the club? Why do you think I forced you to talk to me? Because I could see that you weren’t right, that something was wrong.” Joey smiled crookedly, “And I’m not the brightest bulb in the box, Lance, you know that.” Lance grinned and Joey continued, “JC is a hell of a lot smarter than me, and he can read you a hell of a lot better than I can. And once Bobbi goes back to California, and you and JC are hanging out again, he’s going to know something is up. And you know how stubborn he can be. He won’t let up until you tell him.” 

Lance felt tears behind his eyes, “I know. But I have to do it on my own terms, Joe. I can’t just gather y’all together and say, hey, guys, I’m gay.” 

Joey shrugged, “Fair enough. Your terms. But if you let this fester inside of you, the longing, the wanting, the uncertainty of what’s right and wrong is going to tear you up. You have to talk, Lance, and I think you know that.” Lance nodded, but didn’t reply, and Joey continued. “I won’t tell them.” 

“Thanks,” Lance said. 

Joey nodded in return and stood up. “Look, it’s late, and I’ll bet you’re exhausted.” 

Lance stood as well, “Exhausted, drunk, what’s the difference?”  

Joey laughed at him, “We did drink a few tonight, huh? Thank God we have off tomorrow.” 

“I know,” Lance said, following Joey into the hotel room. “Thanks, Joe,” he said seriously, “I feel a lot better.” 

Joey gave him a friendly hug, “Just think how much better you’ll feel if you tell the others.” 

“Joey,” Lance said warningly. 

“Okay, okay! I won’t bother you about it any more.” Joey opened the door to his room and Lance stepped into the hall. “Good night.” 

“Night, Joe,” Lance said and turned to his room.  

Once inside, he leaned his back against the door and closed his eyes. A picture of JC danced across his mind. “No,” Lance whispered, “He can’t find out. I can’t lose him.” 

 

 

 

GIVE ME THE BENEFIT OF YOUR CONVICTIONS, IF YOU HAVE ANY; BUT KEEP YOUR DOUBTS TO YOURSELF, FOR I HAVE ENOUGH OF MY OWN. 

*JOHANN WOLFGANG VON GOETHE 

CHAPTER SEVEN - DOUBTS 

The morning came quickly for Lance and he groaned as he opened his eyes. A sliver of sunlight streamed through a crack in the heavy hotel room drapes, but it was just enough to send a shearing pain through his skull. Immediately, he threw his arm over his eyes, at the same time turning on his side in a desperate attempt to not see any light.  

Did he really drink that much? He honestly didn’t remember how many he had. Lance tried to mentally count the number of drinks and bottles of beer he had. Six or so at the club…and how many on the balcony talking to Joey? Three? Four? 

“Advil,” he mumbled. Cautiously sitting up, keeping his back to the windows, he moved to the edge of the bed. Resting his feet on the floor, he ran his tongue along his teeth trying to work up some saliva to get rid of the case of cottonmouth he had. He stood slowly, the weight in his head causing him to close his eyes. He shuffled to the bathroom where he knew there was a bottle of Advil sitting on the sink. Without turning on the light, he opened the bottle and took out four pills. Swallowing them with a glass of water, he turned and went back to the bed. 

Sighing, he got back under the covers and lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. Except for the killer headache, he felt surprisingly good. There was no more uncertainty, no more questions. His talk with Joey helped more than he ever thought possible. There was now someone else who knew his secret. Someone he could confide in, someone who would maybe understand. 

Lance smiled at that thought. Yeah right, Joey understands unrequited love for another man.  

Well, maybe not quite understand… 

Lance’s thoughts turned the rest of the guys. Joey took it better than Lance expected, maybe he could tell the others. It felt ten times better to talk about it, to not have to hide around his friends. Lance was actually surprised at Joey’s reaction. He wanted to know things. He actually wanted to know about Lance’s love for JC. He wasn’t repulsed, or put off by it. Maybe the others would be like that. A nagging thought in the back of his mind was screaming to him that he wasn’t giving his friends, his brothers, enough credit. 

Justin. He was the youngest. Perhaps the most open-minded about stuff like this. He hated racism, and even though this wasn’t quite the same thing, Lance figured Justin as the type of guy to hate any kind of discrimination, whether it was racism or homosexuality. He would probably be shocked, okay, he would definitely be shocked, but Lance figured Justin would be fine with it, and move on. 

Chris. Chris was a different story. Sure, he was one of Lance’s best friends, but there was still that slight hostility beneath the surface. There was still the fact that Chris wouldn’t let up. For some reason, Chris took it upon himself to make fun of everything Lance did. And this would be no exception, Lance was sure. He would be opening himself up to a whole new can of worms with Chris. But would he hate him? That was a different story. Chris wasn’t the type of guy to hate someone just because he was different. He would probably have to endure a lot of teasing, and maybe some slight hostility, but in the end, Lance was sure Chris would be the same person around him he always was. 

JC. Josh. Joshua. Lance closed his eyes. He didn’t even want to think about this. He was the reason Lance was having this mental conversation with himself. He was the reason Lance was beginning to doubt everything he believed in. He was the reason Lance was miserable the past week. He was becoming the reason Lance woke up every morning. The reason he lived. 

Maybe it was because he was the one Lance was most worried about, but he had no idea how JC would react to the news. He could take it all in stride, look at him and say, “Hey, you know what? You’re still the same person.” On the other hand, he could get pissed off call him a faggot and never want to speak to him again. 

Option A, Lance thought, let’s go with that first. 

Okay, so let’s say he takes it well, he thought. Great. Nothing changes between us, we’re still the best of friends. We still have long talks about life on the road, missing our families, girlfriends. Lance smiled, well, JC’s girlfriend anyway. But would that be so great? Would he be able to be around him every single

day and not once let something slip about how he felt? Lance sighed, well, you’ve been doing it so far. 

Yeah, for a week! A week is a hell of a lot different than a month, or a year, or however long this group was going to last. And even afterwards, their friendship was going to go on. And if JC knows Lance is gay, that changes everything, too. He would ask why Lance never had a boyfriend, what was holding him back from dating. And then what? Lance wasn’t a good liar, especially if he looked into those impossibly sky blue eyes of JC’s. He’d crack in a second. 

Okay, let’s explore option B. 

Lance tells JC. JC gets up and starts yelling at him. How could you be gay? You’re a fag! I don’t want you in the group anymore, and if you are, stay the hell away from me!  

Lance closed his eyes as he thought about that particular reaction. Would he be able to handle that? Would he be able to handle the fact that JC, the person he was in love with, couldn’t stand the sight of him? Maybe that would be easier than if he understood. At least Lance would know where he stood. He wouldn’t sit around wondering if maybe, one day, JC could return his feelings. 

But he could see the look in JC’s eyes. He could see the hatred, the betrayal that JC would feel. He could see the hardening of his jaw, the anger flashing in those stormy eyes. He could picture JC’s lanky frame stiffening, his halted hand gestures as he let out his tirade on Lance. 

Lance opened his eyes to the sunlight of the room. Nope, that option was no better than the first. 

So he was right back where he started. 

 

 

 

THERE IS REALLY NO SUCH THING AS BAD WEATHER, ONLY DIFFERENT KINDS OF GOOD WEATHER. 

*JOHN RUSKIN  

CHAPTER EIGHT-RAIN 

The mid-afternoon sun was dipping beneath the clouds and Lance knew that soon the darkening sky was going to unleash its torrent, and the city would be doused with rain. He stared out the window in his suite and watched as the sun didn’t reappear. There was a slight far off rumble of thunder and big drops of rain began hitting the pane of glass. 

He sighed as he turned back to the open laptop on his desk. Normally, he loved the rain. He loved the loud claps of thunder, the brilliant flashes of lightening that would light the whole sky, the bolts of lightening that traced patterns across the dark sky. But today was different. The rain just added to his sour mood. 

Concentrate, he told himself. His green eyes scanned the email on his screen, and he blocked out thoughts of the miserable day, his bad mood and of course, JC, as he read the information. 

A knock sounding on his door pulled him away from the screen and he turned slightly towards the door, “Come in,” he said. 

The door opened and JC stood in the doorway, “Are you busy?” he asked. Lance could hear the sounds of the others playing a video game in the common room behind JC. 

Lance shut his laptop, “Nope, come in.” He studied JC as he entered the room, shutting the door on the noise behind him. He looked tired, worn down. 

JC sat on the bed, his hands on his knees. 

“What’s up, Josh?” Lance asked quietly when he didn’t say anything. 

JC raised his hands slightly, “Nothing, really. I just didn’t want to be out there,” he gestured to the door. 

Lance smiled slightly, “Really?” 

JC looked at him, “Yeah, I’m not in the mood for them right now.” He stood and walked over to the window. Sighing loudly, he said, “I hate the rain.” 

Lance shrugged, remaining in his seat, “I like it.” 

JC turned to look at him, “Really? Don’t you find it depressing?”  

Lance stood and moved next to him, “No, I find it relaxing.” 

A clap of thunder rattled the windowpanes and JC looked at Lance skeptically, “You find that relaxing?” 

Lance rolled his eyes and tugged on JC’s arm. “Come here,” he said, pulling him towards the bed. He pushed JC down on the bed. “Lie down,” he commanded. 

JC glanced up at Lance, “You want me to lie down?” 

“Jeez, JC, I’m not going to do anything, just trust me, will ya?” 

JC smiled, “I trust you,” he said, meeting Lance’s gaze. 

Lance found himself lost in JC’s eyes. The dim light from the desk lamp didn’t reach the bed, and his eyes were a midnight blue in the darkness. Lance realized he was staring and shook his head. “Good. Now, close your eyes.”  

JC sighed and made a big production about closing his eyes. “Now what?” he asked. 

Lance sat on the bed next to him. “Just listen.” 

The only sound in the room was the rain pelting against the windows. The thunder once again rumbled, and the rain came down harder. The droplets made music against the windowpanes, and JC smiled. 

“Yeah, I guess it is kind of relaxing,” he admitted. He opened his eyes and looked at Lance. “Aren’t you going to lie down?” 

Lance was frozen. Did he really want to lie down in the bed next to JC? No. But would it be suspicious if he didn’t? Yes. He and JC were close, they had done this a million times before, laying on a bed, or sitting next to each other on a couch, talking. JC didn’t see this as anything different. Lance took a deep breath and moved to lie down next to JC. 

JC clasped his hands behind his head and stared at the ceiling. “Bobbi left today.” 

Lance closed his eyes, “Ah,” was all he said. 

He felt JC turning his head to look at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked. 

Lance shrugged without opening his eyes. He knew if he had to look into JC’s blue pools while talking about Bobbi, he would go crazy. “Nothing. It just explains why you’re in a mood today.” 

JC sighed, and was silent for a minute. When he spoke, Lance fought to keep the smile off his face. “You know what, Lance? That’s not even it. I don’t miss her at all.” 

Lance took a deep breath and turned to JC. “What do you mean?” 

JC briefly met his eyes and looked back at the ceiling. Shrugging, he responded, “I don’t miss her. I miss the idea of her, you know? The idea that I have someone who loves me.” He shook his head and the next words were spoken so softly, Lance wasn’t sure he even heard them right, “I don’t love her anymore.” 

Lance’s heart skipped a beat, “What?” he replied dumbly. 

JC turned to him, tears in his eyes, “I don’t love her anymore, Lance. I try to convince myself that I do, cause we’ve been together so long, but I can’t any longer. I see her and I don’t want to be close to her, I don’t want to kiss her, hold her. I just want her to leave me alone.” 

Lance sat up, “This is a little sudden, isn’t it, JC? I mean, just two weeks ago, you two were all over each other in that club.” 

JC glanced at Lance when he heard the bitterness in his voice. He was sitting facing him on the bed, his green eyes downcast, his fingers playing with the lace of his shoe. “I guess it seems sudden, but its not. I’ve just been pretending, Lance. I’ve been forcing myself to act like that, just to see if I was wrong, if I was just going through a phase or something.” 

Lance pulled his eyes away from his shoelace and looked at JC’s face. “A phase?” he asked. 

JC stood and began to pace. “Yeah, a phase. Like maybe I just was going through an ‘I want to be single phase,’ or an ‘I want to have sex with someone else phase’.” 

 

Lance swallowed, “You want to have sex with someone else?” 

JC blushed and turned away, “Forget I said that,” he said waving his hand in the air, “You don’t want to hear about that.” 

“No, probably not,” Lance muttered. To JC he said, “What are you going to do?” 

“I don’t know, Lance,” he stopped pacing. “I think I’m going to break up with her.” 

Lance nodded and didn’t reply. 

JC sat on the bed again, the mattress slightly sagging under his weight. “I’m just worried, you know? I know it sounds crazy, but I’m worried I won’t find someone.” He snorted, “I have millions of girls that want me, and I’m worried.” 

Lance smiled, “Millions of guys, too,” he said without thinking. His eyes widened as he realized what he said. 

JC just smiled, “Yeah, guys too,” he said softly. “But what if I can’t find someone who can put up with me? I spend a lot of time in the studio, or writing, or playing the piano, Bobbi understood my need to do that, not many people would.” 

Lance moved to sit next to JC, their legs resting next to each other, “But, look how long it took her to accept it,” Lance pointed out. “She wasn’t so understanding in the beginning.”

 

JC nodded, “I know. It’s not only that, though. We’re on the road so much, in a different city practically every night. Where am I going to meet someone, much less someone who understands me?” 

Lance shrugged, “I don’t have the answer to that, JC.” 

JC smiled sideways at him, “What the hell good are you, anyway? I could have gotten that from Justin.” 

Lance laughed and moved back to lie on the bed, “Justin wouldn’t have listened to you babble this long, and you know it. The attention span isn’t there.” 

 

JC lay down next to him. “You’re right. Well, even if I’m right back where I started, at least I like the rain now.” He closed his eyes. “Thanks, Lance.” 

 

“You’re welcome, Josh.” Lance said, squeezing his hand, and he too closed his eyes. 

 

 

 

An hour later, Joey knocked on the door to Lance’s room, “Hey guys,” he said, pushing the door open, “we’re going to get something to eat.” 

He stopped talking when he realized Lance and JC were asleep. They lay side by side on Lance’s king-sized bed, Lance’s left arm and leg touching JC’s right arm and leg. Joey smiled at the sight, wondering if they realized the bed was big enough for them to have plenty of room. He stepped out of the room, pulling the door shut behind him. 

“Well,” Chris asked, “are they coming?” 

Joey smiled, “They’re asleep, I thought I’d leave them alone.” 

 

Justin nodded, “Yeah, JC’s kind of been out of it for a bit now, let him sleep.” 

The three grabbed their jackets and hastily scribbled a note for JC and Lance. As they headed towards the elevator, Joey realized something strange. 

Lance and JC had been holding hands.  

 

 

 

TRUTH IS TOUGH. 

*OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES, SR. 

CHAPTER NINE-TRUTHS 

“Yes!” Justin cried, looking at the dice on the table, “drink!”  

Joey groaned and took a swallow of his beer. “I hate this fucking game,” he said when he was done. 

Lance grinned at him, “You hate it cause you’re always the three man.” 

JC shared a look with Lance before turning to Joey, “Yeah, you seem to like it when it’s someone else who has to drink.” 

It was a favorite game of theirs, three man. They liked it because it was simple. That and the fact that just about every roll someone had to drink. And every time a three was rolled, either on one die or a combination of both of them, the ‘three man’ had to drink. Right now, that was Joey. 

Justin rolled the dice again. They landed with a one and a two face up. 

Chris grinned, “Jesus, Justin, what did you do, weigh the dice?” He glanced at Joey out of the corner of his eye, “Oh, no, Joe, keep it up, you didn’t drink anything that time.” Chris held the bottom of Joey’s glass tilted in the air until he was satisfied that Joey drank enough. 

Joey wiped the back of his mouth with his hand, “Damn. I need another beer.” 

Lance stood up, “Here, let me get it for you, Joey.” He took Joey and his glass to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. Taking out two bottles of beer, he twisted off the caps and began pouring them in the glasses.  

Lance loved nights like this. Those rare nights when there wasn’t a show the next day, or an interview, or anything scheduled, and no one quite felt like going out, but they wanted to have some fun. That was when Joey and Chris ran to the liquor store, or local bar, or distributor and picked up some alcohol. Then they would all pick a game and just play all night long. Usually, passing out where they fell. 

He heard someone behind him in the kitchen and turned to see JC stumble slightly as he entered. Giggling, he held his glass out to Lance. “More, please.” 

Lance grinned at him. “Feeling alright, JC?”  

JC burped and nodded, “Yep.” 

JC had been the three man earlier in the night, before he himself rolled a three and relinquished the title. Lance poured JC’s beer in a glass and handed it to him, “We need to play a new game,” he said, watching JC as he tilted his head back to take a long swallow. 

Lance simply stared. Even drunk, with his hair messed up, his shirt partly untucked and his mesh shorts hanging low on his hips, JC was beautiful. Lance stared at his neck as it was tilted back and somehow resisted going over and kissing it. If he had a few more beers in him, he just may have done it. 

JC stopped drinking and looked at Lance staring at him. “What?” he asked, smiling lazily, his eyes glassy. 

Lance shook his head. “What?” 

JC took a step closer, “Why were you staring at me?” 

Lance blushed and turned back to the counter, “I wasn’t staring at you, JC.” He busied himself with putting the empty bottles in the cardboard case they came in. 

“Yes you were,” JC’s breath was hot on his neck as he spoke, and Lance jumped slightly. 

He turned around, forcing a laugh, and was shocked at how close JC was standing to him. Lance pushed past him, “JC, I wasn’t staring, I was simply marveling at how much beer you drank tonight.” 

JC stared at him a beat before responding. “Sure,” he said, grinning. “Hey,” he said, suddenly getting an idea. “Let’s do some shots.” He was reaching for the shot glasses as he spoke. 

Lance groaned, “Oh, no, JC. That’s a bad idea.” 

JC waved his hand in the air dismissively. “Come on, Lance, lighten up. It’ll be fun.” He handed Lance his glass of beer and tried to pick up the five shot glasses in one hand. Finally succeeding in that task, he picked up a bottle of vodka. “Come on,” he commanded, moving into the dining area. 

Lance followed JC, carrying his own, JC’s and Joey’s glasses of beer. He barely set them on the table when JC grabbed his arm and pulled him back into the kitchen.  

“What do we need for that shot?” he asked dumbly, looking at Lance. 

Lance held out his hand, “A little more information, here, JC.” 

JC rolled his eyes, “You know, the one with the whipped cream?” 

Lance felt his groin stir as thoughts of JC with whipped cream on him popped into his slightly drunken mind. He imagined himself licking the white cream off of JC’s stomach, just before he dipped his mouth lower… 

“Lance!” JC interrupted his thoughts. “Hello? The shot?” 

Lance shook his head. “Yeah, the shot. Um, are you talking about apple pie?” 

JC snapped his fingers, “Yes!” He pointed at Lance and grinned, “See, I knew you were smart.” 

 

Lance laughed at JC’s silliness and moved to the refrigerator. “See if this place has cinnamon.” JC began opening all the cabinets of the kitchen, and looking around in them. After Lance removed the apple juice and whipped cream from the fridge, he followed behind JC, closing all the open doors. 

JC was on the floor, looking in a spice rack hidden inside one of the cabinet doors. “A ha!” he proclaimed, holding a spice jar above his head.

 

Lance squinted at the jar, “JC, that’s garlic.” 

JC pulled his arm down and looked at the label. “Oh yeah, the cinnamon is right next to it, I grabbed the wrong jar,” he said. Dropping the garlic on the ground, he reached into the cabinet again. “A ha!” he said, holding up the cinnamon. 

Lance shook his head at JC. “You are too much.” 

JC cocked his head and grinned, “But you love it.” 

Lance nodded slightly, “I sure do,” he said quietly. 

 

 

 

Chris poured some vodka into a shot glass. 

Lance picked his head off the table to look at it. “Chris,” he slurred, “it’s only supposed to be half full with vodka, not three quarters of the way full.” 

Chris looked at Lance, “Will you shut up? It’s not for you this time, anyway. The question is about you.” He picked up the jar of apple juice and tried to fill the glass the rest of the way full with it. He succeeded in doing that, plus spilling some on the table. Ignoring the spilled juice, he opened the cinnamon jar and shook some on top of the liquid. Placing his hand over the glass, he slammed it on the table, causing the cinnamon and the apple juice to mix with the vodka. 

“Okay,” he said, looking at his bandmates. “This is a Lance question.” The others perked up and looked at him. Chris and Justin sat at the heads of the table, JC and Joey on one side and Lance across from JC on the other. JC, Joey and Justin had a look on concentration on their faces. Chris looked each one of them in the eye before asking the question. “Who would Lance prefer to share a room with?” 

Joey met Lance’s gaze across the table and grinned at him. Lance sighed and dropped his head on the table with a loud thud. Whose stupid idea was this game? This had to be a Chris game. He was the only one who made them up. It was a how-well-do-you-know-your-bandmate game. 

Chris pointed at Justin, who’s blue eyes were half shut from all the alcohol. Justin’s mouth dropped open as he thought about the question. “Um, JC?” he asked. 

Chris pointed at JC, who sat up in his chair. “I think it’s Justin!” he said triumphantly, positive he had the right answer. 

Joey didn’t wait for Chris to point at him, he jumped right in. “I know it’s JC.” 

Chris tapped Lance on the head. “Lancey-poo? Get up and answer the question. Which one of us do you prefer to room with?” 

Lance lifted his head off the table with a sigh. “JC.” 

Justin raised his arms in the air in victory. “Yes! Have another, loser!” 

Chris passed the shot glass down the table to JC. JC made a face and raised the glass to his lips, drinking the mixture in one gulp. Taking the can on whipped cream, he tilted his head back and shot some whipped cream in his mouth. 

Lance stared at him, transfixed. He watched his throat bob when he swallowed and his gaze traced the curve of his jaw, the way his eyes fell shut when he shot the whipped cream in his mouth and his tongue flick out to lick the remaining whipped cream off his lips. 

Joey cleared his throat and Lance looked at him sharply. Joey grinned like a maniac at him and Lance scowled. 

“Damn,” JC said, “that shot is good.” 

“You just like the whipped cream,” Joey said. 

JC shrugged, “yeah, so?” 

Justin slapped his hand on the table, “New game!” 

JC clapped his hands, “I get to pick this time.” 

Joey groaned, “You’re not going to pick truth or dare again, are you?” 

 

JC looked crestfallen, “What’s wrong with truth or dare?” 

Chris shook his head and took another drink, “JC, that is so third grade!” 

JC crossed his arms over his chest, “Fine,” he pouted, “we won’t play.” 

Lance smiled at JC’s face and was about to put his two cents in when Justin interjected. 

“We have to play his game, guys. It’s the rule.” 

Joey and Chris sighed and Joey stood up. “Fine, let me take a leak first.” He stood up and walked to the bathroom. 

Justin turned to JC. “You really need to think of a new game, Josh. This one doesn’t have nearly enough drinking in it.” 

JC shrugged and poured himself a shot. “I don’t care.” He glanced at Lance and reached for another shot glass. “Come on, Lance, let’s do a shot together.” He didn’t wait for an answer, just poured the vodka into the glass.  

 

 

 

“Okay, JC, truth or dare?” Justin asked him.

 

“Truth.” 

“God, you’re so boring,” Joey complained from the couch, where he was sprawled out, resting against one arm, his right leg draped over the back of the couch, his left on the floor. 

“Bite me, Joe. I don’t feel like drinking Justin’s egg-beer-soda-and whatever else he can find in the kitchen concoction.” 

“Enough!” Justin said. “Okay, when are your going to break up with Bobbi?” 

JC shrugged. “Next time I see her, I guess. I don’t want to do it over the phone.” 

Lance smiled into his hands, which were in front of his face. 

JC turned to Chris, “Truth or dare?” 

Chris sighed, “Dare, I guess.” 

JC scowled, “I was hoping you’d say truth.” 

Chris grinned, “Don’t have a dare for me?” 

Joey raised one arm, “I do! I dare you to drink from the toilet.” 

Lance laughed, “Joey, that’s just gross.” 

Justin chimed in, “Yeah, we don’t know what the hell you just did in there!” 

Chris spoke up, “No way in hell am I doing that. I’ll just take the drink.” He downed his beer and looked thoughtful. “Lance,” he said, turning to him. 

Oh no, Lance thought. He knew that look in Chris’s eyes. It was the look Lance learned to dread. It reminded him of the times when Chris picked on him unmercifully. He wasn’t falling for it this time. Even in his drunken state, he recognized it. 

“Truth,” he said automatically. 

“God,” Joey said, “you’re so boring!” 

“Why don’t you have a girlfriend?” Chris asked. 

Lance’s breath caught in his throat. “What?” he managed to get out.  

Chris crossed his arms in front of him on the table and leaned forward. “Since you and Danielle broke up, you haven’t really dated anyone. Why not? What’s the problem? Saving yourself for marriage?” 

 

Lance’s eyes were wide with fear, but he doubted anyone recognized it. What was he going to do? What could he say? He was supposed to tell the truth. Screw that, he thought, he was going to lie through his teeth. 

“I guess I just haven’t met someone I want to date. I don’t really have a lot of time.”

 

“Bullshit!” Justin said. “There’s always time to date.” He promptly dropped his head to the table. 

“Guys, leave him alone,” Joey called from the couch. “He doesn’t have a girlfriend cause he’s gay.” 

Silence. 

Complete silence. 

JC gasped and stared at Joey. 

Justin slowly raised his head from the table. 

Chris stopped his motion of taking a drink from his glass. 

Joey sat up on the couch, a look of compete and utter horror on his face. 

Lance stared at Joey, his mouth open, his green eyes wide. He felt tears burn behind them, and one by one, they started to fall. Suddenly, everyone was completely sober. 

“Lance, I’m…” Joey stared at him, “God…I didn’t mean to…it just…shit!” He ran his hand through his brown hair. 

Justin looked at Lance, “You’re gay?” 

Chris turned his gaze on him, too, but Lance didn’t notice. Time seemed to stand still. All he could do was stare at Joey in disbelief. He felt a hand on his arm.

 

“Lance,” Justin said quietly, shaking his arm. “Is that true?” 

Lance swallowed and turned his gaze from Joey. “Yeah, Justin, it is.” 

Justin squeezed his arm, but didn’t let go. “Wow.” 

Lance looked at Chris as he heard him exhale, “Damn,” he said, sitting back in his chair, staring at the table. 

Lance turned his gaze on the one person in the room who mattered most. 

JC had a blank look on his face. He stared at Lance for a minute with an unreadable _expression, and didn’t say anything as he pushed his chair back from the table and left the room. 

 

 

 

EVERTHING HURTS. 

*MICHAELANGELO ANTONIONI  

CHAPTER TEN - THE AFTERMATH, part one 

Lance watched JC’s back as he left the room, and felt utterly and completely empty. Where ten minutes ago there was laughter, now there was nothing. Absolutely nothing. Lance knew the others were talking around him, but he didn’t hear what they were saying. He could not peel his eyes off the door JC just closed. 

Closed on him. 

Lance drew in a shaky breath and forced himself to pull his eyes away from the door. They landed on JC’s shot glass. There was a slight bit of the shot in the bottom of the glass that JC didn’t drink, and Lance stared at the glass. It was a Washington Redskins shot glass. JC took it everywhere he went, it was the only shot glass he would drink out of on nights like this. 

He pulled his gaze away from the shot glass, and it landed on JC’s beer glass. God, why was everything in his damn line of sight JC’s? The glass was half-empty, and Lance knew the beer had to be lukewarm, JC had only been sipping it for the last half-hour. He looked at the rim of the glass and saw a slight smudge from where JC put his lips after taking his last shot. There was a slight whipped cream residue. 

Lance closed his eyes so he wouldn’t find anything else of JC’s to look at. Seeing nothing but the blackness of his eyelids, he began to comprehend the voices around him. 

Joey: “Lance, please, talk to me. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say it.” 

Chris: “How long have you known, Joey? And why didn’t you tell me?” 

Justin, softer, quieter than the others: “Lance? Please, look at me. Talk to me.” 

It was Justin’s voice, so close to his ear that finally made him open his eyes. He turned to his right and saw that Justin had taken residence on the empty chair next to him. His hand was still on Lance’s arm, and his blue eyes were tinged with sympathy and worry. Lance felt his own eyes well up with tears as he looked at Justin. 

“Lance,” Justin started. 

Lance shook his head, pursing his lips together in an effort to stop more tears from falling. He was not going to cry like a little girl. “No, Justin,” Lance interrupted him, surprised at the ragged tone his voice had taken on, “please.” 

Justin’s eyes were wide as he looked at him. “Lance, you have to talk to us.” 

Joey knelt down on the other side of Lance, “Please, Lance, talk to me.” 

Lance turned to him, his green eyes darkening with anger. “I have nothing to say to you right now, Joey.” Lance pushed his chair back with a scraping sound and stood up; but not before he saw the look of hurt on Joey’s face. 

Joey slowly stood, “Please, Lance. I’m sorry, I don’t know what else to say.” 

Lance stopped his pacing of the suite to turn to Joey with a bitter smile, “I think you said enough, Joe, don’t you?” 

Joey stayed where he was next to the table. He raised his hands in a gesture of complete helplessness. “You’re right, and if I could take it all back, I would. I never meant to hurt you.” 

Lance stared at Joey from across the room, and Joey could see the pain in the younger man’s eyes. “Well, I’m hurting now Joey, and let me tell you, it doesn’t feel good!” He briefly glanced at the door JC exited through before turning back to Joey.  

Joey knew by that simple gesture what Lance was talking about. He nodded, “I know you are, Lance. I wish there was something I could do.” 

Wake me up; tell me I’m dreaming. Tell me I didn’t just see JC walk out that door without a backwards glance. 

“You did enough, Joey.” 

“Lance,” Chris cut in on their conversation, “you want to talk about this?” 

Lance turned his fiery gaze to Chris and shrugged, “What do you want me to say, Chris? You want me to tell you about my thoughts, my feelings, my insecurities so you can make fun of them, just like you always do?”

 

Chris flinched at the torrent of Lance’s words, realizing he was just lashing out because he was upset. Lance never talked to anyone like that without being provoked. “I’m not going to make fun of you,” he said with sincerity, looking into Lance’s eyes. 

“Yeah right, Chris. For five years you’ve been making fun of me, and I took it, I just stood back and took the ribbing and the teasing, hoping you didn’t mean half those things you said to me. Well, you know what? This is one thing I won’t take, I won’t stand by and let you make fun of me because I’m gay.”

 

Chris crossed the room and stood in front of Lance. He spoke softly, “I would never make fun of you for something like this. It takes courage to admit to being gay, and I admire that, Lance. Even if this didn’t come out,” he closed his eyes and shook his head, “no pun intended,” he said before looking back at Lance, “the way you wanted it to, it happened. And for it to have happened, you had to admit it to someone. Unfortunately that someone was Joey, but hey, you can’t change that, right?” Chris gave Lance a slight smile. “My point is, it takes a strong man to admit to being different, and you did that. No one can take that away from you, not even me.” His voice dropped, “I wouldn’t want to.” 

Lance stared at Chris in shock. He searched his face for some form of insincerity, and try as he might, he couldn’t find any. He waited for him to grin, take it all back, and go back to the unmerciful teasing. But that didn’t happen. Chris held his accusatory gaze and didn’t look away.  

“You mean that, don’t you?” Lance asked in disbelief. 

Chris tentatively reached out and touched Lance’s shoulder, “Every word.” 

Lance smiled slightly at Chris, and once again the older man surprised him. Chris pulled him close and hugged him. 

 

 

 

 

Justin spoke up from across the room, “Well, this is touching and everything, but I think we need to talk.” 

Lance pulled back from Chris’s embrace and wiped his face with his hand. “You’re right, we do.” He sighed as he sat on the sofa and rested his head on the back of it, hearing Joey and Justin making their way to the living room and sitting down. Chris took a seat on one side of Lance and Justin sat on the other side. 

Lance smiled to himself at the gestures of his bandmates. It was their silent and subtle way of supporting him. That small step on the part of Justin and Chris spoke volumes to Lance. They were not shutting him out, they were going to stand by him. He turned to Justin and saw confusion and fear in his eyes.  

“What do you want me to say?” he asked Justin quietly. 

Justin shrugged, his blue eyes flickering to Chris. “I don’t know, Lance. I mean, this is quite a shock.” 

Lance met and held his gaze, “Does it bother you?” 

Justin held Lance’s eyes for a moment, and then guiltily looked at the couch. “A little,” he admitted quietly. 

Lance felt tears sting the back of his eyes again. First JC, and now Justin. He looked at his hands, folded between his knees, and nodded, biting the inside of his lip to keep the tears at bay. He never expected this from Justin. He didn’t expect Justin to have a problem with him. Although he gave the younger boy credit for being honest. 

Justin watched Lance struggle next to him on the couch and let out a breath. He began talking, rambling. “Look, Lance, I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. I know I’m shocked, I know I’m kind of weirded out, and I know I’m kind of angry. But that doesn’t mean that I’m going to turn my back on you, it doesn’t mean that I’m going to tell everyone, and it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. It just means that it’s going to take some time.” He tentatively reached out and touched Lance’s shoulder, pretending not to notice the way Lance flinched at his touch. “I don’t want it to change anything.” 

Lance looked at him. “Change anything? Why in hell would this change anything, Justin? I’m not a different person, I’m still the same Lance that you’ve known for the past five years! Just because I realized that I like guys doesn’t mean that all of a sudden I’m going to be running around in spandex and tying my shirts in a knot!” 

Chris burst out laughing at Lance and he turned to look at him, a slight smile playing on his lips. “Sorry,” Chris said through his laughter, “I’m just picturing you with striped spandex and a pink shirt knotted up at your chest.” 

Lance rolled his eyes and turned back to Justin. “You know what, Justin? I’ve admitted this to myself a few weeks ago. Have you noticed anything different? Have you noticed any changes in the way I’m acting, the way I treat people?” Justin didn’t answer. “Well? Have you?” 

Justin sighed, “No, I haven’t. It’s just…” he stood and threw up his hands, “you know what? Maybe it isn’t so much you being gay, maybe it’s that you didn’t trust us enough to tell us! That’s what really hurts, Lance. I mean, you were yelling at Joey before about hurting, and yet, you’re not even thinking of what I’m going through.” 

 

Lance laughed bitterly, “Well, excuse me for not taking you into consideration, here, Justin. I just had a totally personal thing come to light in the exact opposite way of how I wanted it to happen. And don’t lecture me on being hurt, because you don’t know the half of it.” Lance stood and walked to the table, picking up the bottle of vodka, and dumping some into a shot glass.  

His shot glass. 

Justin strode to where Lance stood. “I don’t know the half of it? If you would try telling me, Lance, that would be a start! But, no! You just stand there preaching to us about how things didn’t work out the way you planned, and you wanted to do things differently. Well, when were you going to do things, when were you going to tell us? Next week? Next month? Next year? The next time I took my shirt off and you got a hard on?” 

Lance snapped. He lunged for Justin, his fist catching him in the jaw. Joey and Chris, who had been watching from the living room, jumped up and ran to their friends. Lance was on top of Justin, pinning him to the ground, punching him in the chest, in the stomach, tears of rage on his cheeks. 

“Let me go!” he yelled at Joey as he picked him up. Joey didn’t answer him, and Lance struggled to break free from Joey’s hold. His eyes blazed fire at Justin, who was also being restrained by Chris. Although, if truth be told, Chris barely had a hold on Justin. 

Justin shrugged off Chris arm and walked away from him, rubbing his jaw, “I’m fine,” he said lowly, “you don’t have to restrain me.” 

Lance glared at him as he walked into the living room, “You better hope Joey doesn’t let me go,” he said. 

Chris moved to Lance and took hold of one of his arms, surprised at the force Lance was using to pull away. Joey looked at him gratefully and held onto Lance’s other arm with both hands. 

“Lance, calm down,” Chris said quietly. 

Lance let out a choked sob, “Calm down? Did you hear what he said to me?” 

Chris’s eyes shot daggers at Justin from across the room, and Justin looked away under his stare. “Yeah, and believe me, if I didn’t think that the second I’d let you go, you’d kill him, I’d be kicking his ass right now.” 

Justin cursed and shook his head. “I didn’t mean it,” he said. “I’m just pissed off.” 

Lance looked at Justin, really looked at Justin. He was sitting on the edge of the couch, his elbows propped on his knees, his head in his hands. He reached up and pulled the black bandanna off his head, exposing the matted down curls underneath. He raked a hand over his head, causing his hair to stand up, and then wiped his face. His eyes were fixated on the floor, and his lower lip was sucked in between his teeth. He only chewed on his lip when he was upset about something, and Lance felt the fight leave his body. 

Joey felt the tension leave Lance and he slowly let go of his arm, staying close just in case Lance snapped again. Chris did the same on his side of Lance, immediately moving to Justin. 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” he asked him, standing above him. 

Justin sighed and closed his eyes. “I don’t know,” he said raggedly. 

“Well, you better figure it out real quick, because the next time you say something like that to him, I swear to God, I won’t hold him back.” Chris turned to Lance and Joey. “It’s late, and I’m going to bed.” He stepped closer to Lance, “If you want to talk, you know where to find me.” 

Lance nodded and attempted to smile. Chris walked to the door of the suite and let himself out. 

Justin stood at the sound of the door shutting. “Um,” he said nervously, not really looking at Lance, “I guess I’ll go, too. I want to check on JC.” 

Lance felt pain rip through his body as JC’s name was mentioned and he felt Joey move a little closer in a silent support. He stared at Justin as he moved towards the door. 

His hand reached out to turn the knob and it stopped. He hung his head and slowly turned around. He moved across the room, towards Lance, and Joey tensed, waiting for something bad to happen. Justin reached Lance, and only then did Joey see the tears in the younger man’s eyes. 

“Shit, Lance,” Justin whispered, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it, I swear.” He practically threw himself at Lance, catching him in a hug.

 

Lance staggered backwards as Justin’s weight hit him and Joey’s hand on his back steadied him. He hugged Justin back. “It’s okay,” he said. 

Justin pulled away, “No, it’s not. But, thanks anyway.” He quickly crossed the room and left. 

Joey turned to Lance. “I know you don’t want to talk to me right now, so I’ll go. I just want you to know that I really am sorry.” 

Lance nodded silently, and Joey left the room. 

Lance stared at the door, not seeing anything. So, that was it. His secret was out in the open. He moved towards his bedroom door, not bothering to turn on the light, the darkness was reassuring. He fell onto the bed, and finally let himself cry. 

He cried because they knew.  

He cried because of the way Joey told everyone. 

He cried because of the unexpected support of Chris. 

He cried because of the way Justin reacted. 

He cried because of JC. 

He cried himself to sleep, the image of JC’s retreating back burned onto his mind.  

 

 

 

OUR DILEMMA IS THAT WE HATE CHANGE AND LOVE IT AT THE SAME TIME; WHAT WE REALLY WANT IS FOR THINGS TO REMAIN THE SAME BUT GET BETTER. 

*SYDNEY J. HARRIS 

CHAPTER TEN - THE AFTERMATH, part two 

JC left Lance’s suite and moved to his own, across the hall, not a thought in his mind. He wasn’t allowing himself to think; just put one foot in front of the other, make it to your room. He slipped the key card in the door, and moved into the quiet darkness of the large suite, not turning on the light, simply using his memory of the layout of the suite to guide him through the darkness. 

Apparently, the alcohol impaired his memory, because he ran into the end table. “Shit!” he cursed, feeling a sharp pain go through his shin. “Figures,” he muttered, rubbing his shin and sitting on the couch. 

Now, he could think. 

Lance. Gay.  

The two words were running through his mind, until they eventually became one. Lance. Gay. Lance. Gay. LancegayLancegayLancegay. 

“Stop it!” he commanded himself and put his hands to his ears. He moved his elbows to his knees and sat like that for a minute. 

How could he? How could he be gay? This had to be some kind of a joke, right? Lance wasn’t gay, he dated women before. Hell, he was in a relationship with Danielle for seven months. You don’t do that if you’re gay. Do you? 

JC stood, ignoring the pain in his head. He moved to the kitchen, opening the fridge and looking for a drink. It had to be a joke. 

By the light of the refrigerator, JC remembered the look on Lance’s face when Joey blurted out his secret. 

And how did Joey know anyway? 

Lance’s face went completely white. Ashen, JC thought the word was. His eyes widened in fear, his lower lip began to tremble. As he stared at Joey, a single tear began falling down his white cheek, quickly joined by another, and another. 

And JC turned to Joey. Joey had sat up on the couch, looking like the proverbial deer in the headlights. His own eyes were wide, his movements slowed as he faced Lance. And JC knew it was no joke. The terror on Lance’s face, the horror in Joey’s eyes, that wasn’t fake. This wasn’t a game. 

JC grabbed the carton of Orange Juice out of the fridge and slammed the door shut. Joey knew! Why the hell did Joey know? Why did Lance go to Joey and not him? 

JC snorted as he raised the carton to his lips. And what good would that have done, Josh? You walked out on him tonight. 

Well, I had good reason, he thought. He lied to us, he’s been lying to us! What does that say about our friendship? It obviously means nothing to him, so why the hell should it mean something to me? 

It does mean something to you, a little voice in his head whispered, it means more to you than you want to admit. 

JC felt the tears in his eyes seconds before he felt them on his cheeks. 

 

 

 

 

A knock on the door brought JC to his senses. He shook his head, realizing he was still standing in the kitchen. He ignored the door, hoping whoever it was would go away. He really didn’t want to talk to anyone tonight, he just wanted to go to sleep, and hope when he woke up the nightmare would be over. 

The knock sounded again. “JC!” Justin yelled through the door, “Open up, I know you’re in there!” He pounded again, “Josh!” 

JC sighed and pushed himself away from the counter, moving towards the door, not bothering to turn on the lights. He wiped his cheeks and reached for the handle. Pulling it open, he saw Justin standing there, fist raised to knock again. 

JC’s eyes widened, “What happened to your face?” he asked, reaching out to turn Justin’s head to the side. 

Justin pulled his chin from JC’s grasp. “Nothing.” He pushed past him and came into the room. “God, JC, are you in mourning or something? Turn on a damn light,” he said as he reached for the lamp on the end table.

 

JC shut the door, “Well, I wasn’t expecting company,” he said dryly.  

That wasn’t a hundred percent true. He half expected Lance to come knocking on his door, wanting to talk, wanting to find out why his supposed best friend turned his back on him. JC was relieved when it was Justin. 

“Now, what happened to your face?” JC demanded, standing in front of the couch Justin sat on. 

Justin looked at the ground and mumbled, “Lance hit me.” He looked up and saw a murderous look in JC's eyes. 

“He hit you?” JC asked, “I’ll kill him.” He moved to the door before Justin got up and grabbed his arm.  

“JC, no, don’t,” Justin turned him around, “It was my fault.” 

JC relaxed as he looked at Justin. His cheek was slightly swollen and red, and he knew there was going to be a bruise that would be hard for makeup to cover. His lip was slightly puffy, but that would probably be gone by morning. 

“Why, Justin? What happened?” If you hadn’t run out, maybe you would know. 

Justin shrugged, “I guess I said somethings I shouldn’t have said.” He looked at JC, and abruptly changed the subject, “You okay? You left in a hurry.” 

JC turned away from him, “Yeah, I guess.” He sat on one of the chairs, slumping in the seat. “I’m just, I don’t know, shocked or something.” 

Justin sat back on the couch, “I know what you mean. I never even suspected something like this. Lance always dated girls, never once did he say something about guys.” He sighed, “What are you thinking?”  

JC shrugged, “I don’t know, Justin. I have all these thoughts in my mind, and none of them make any sense. On one hand, I’m pissed, you know? I’m pissed that he didn’t tell me. God, Justin, he told Joey! No one tells Joey anything that’s a major secret, especially Lance! Lance always came to me,” he said softly. Gaining strength, he spoke again, “And on the other hand, I’m sad. I’m sad that he didn’t trust me enough to talk to me. I’m sad that he’s going through something like this. I can’t even imagine what he’s feeling right now.” 

Justin nodded, “I know. He’s pretty upset.” 

JC looked over at Justin, “How did Chris take it?” 

Justin smiled wryly, “Well, better than either of us, that’s for sure.” JC smiled slightly as his words. “He was totally supportive of Lance. He basically told him he was proud of him for admitting something like this to himself, and having the courage to do it.” Justin raked a hand through his messy curls, “And then I went and shot off my mouth, and ruined the whole night.” 

 

JC shook his head, “The night was ruined before you shot off, believe me.” JC sighed and rested his head on the couch. “Do you think he hates us?” 

Justin glanced sharply at JC. “Hates us? No, Lance doesn’t hate us.” His voice betrayed his strong words. 

“I would hate us,” JC said softly.  

 

 

 

 

The two sat in silence for a few minutes before Justin broke it. 

“Does this change things?” he asked softly. 

JC opened his eyes, “Yeah, I think so.”  

“I do, too, JC.” Justin stood and walked into the kitchen, picking up the orange juice and finding a glass. “I don’t want things to change, though. I like them the way they are.” 

JC also stood and crossed into the kitchen. “That’s what really has you worried, isn’t it?” he asked Justin softly. “You don’t give a rat’s ass that Lance is gay, you just want things to be the same.” 

Justin looked at JC, tears in his eyes, and JC was struck at how young and vulnerable Justin looked at that moment. “No, I don’t care that he’s gay, not really. I mean, yeah, I guess next time we’re changing, I’ll be a little freaked out, but I’m sure I’ll get over it. I just don’t want it to change how anyone feels about anyone, you know? I mean, I don’t want Lance to treat me differently because I decided to get on my soapbox earlier, and I don’t want him to be pissed at Joey for telling us, and I don’t want you and him not talking, because that would ruin things. It would ruin us.” 

JC watched the tears spill over Justin’s cheeks. “But, Justin, sooner or later, things are going to change, whether we like it or not.” 

Justin wiped his eyes, “I know. I was just hoping it would be later.” He sighed, “And I can’t help but think of Lance, here. We can have girlfriends, take them to the parties, the awards, been seen in public. He can’t, JC. He can’t be with a guy and be certain that he won’t go to all the tabloids with the news that he’s gay. He can’t take him to anything. He has to live a lie. How is that going to affect him?” 

JC felt a pain go through his chest at the mention of Lance’s new life. He hated to see Lance hurting, and that’s exactly what was going to happen. He wouldn’t be able to have a serious relationship with anyone outside the group. 

What? Where had that thought come from? 

Justin watched JC as he thought about his words. He was staring at the counter top, his blue eyes flat, when suddenly, he blinked and looked up at Justin, eyes wide. 

“Are you okay?” Justin asked him, reaching out a hand to place on his arm. 

JC nodded, “Yeah, I’m fine,” he said distractedly. “Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but I need to make a phone call.”

 

Justin put his glass in the sink. “JC, it’s like four in the morning. Who are you calling?” 

“Bobbi, I need to talk to her,” JC said, moving towards the door. He had to talk to his girlfriend, and now. 

Justin stared at him, “I thought you were breaking up with her,” he said. 

JC shrugged, “I don’t Justin, maybe, maybe not. All I know is that I have to talk to her.” 

Justin walked out the door JC held open. “Okay,” he said, still staring at JC like he had a third head. “I’ll see you in the morning.” 

 

“See ya,” JC practically shut the door on Justin’s face and retrieved his cell phone from the charger. He dialed her number, and listed to it ring in his ear. 

“Hello?” a sleepy voice answered. 

“Bobbi? It’s me,” JC said. 

“JC? What…what are you doing? Is everything okay?” Her voice was still sleepy, but there was an undertone of concern laced within. 

JC sighed and slumped down the wall. “No, everything’s not okay. I don’t want to get into it with you now, because it’s late.” He ran a hand through his hair. 

“Okay, as long as you’re okay. I can call you tomorrow.” Bobbi hesitated, “Are you okay, JC?” 

His head hit against the wall as he leaned it back. “Yeah, I’m fine. Call me tomorrow.” He sighed into the phone, “Hey Bobbi?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I love you.” 

 

 

 

TIME IS THE BEST MEDICINE. 

*OVID, LOVE'S CURE 

CHAPTER ELEVEN-THE PASSING OF TIME 

He thought it would get easier as time went on. Better, even. 

He was wrong. 

Two weeks had passed since Joey spilled the news about Lance, and Lance could count on one hand the number of times JC spoke to him. 

And the times he did, they were being interviewed. 

It used to be that Lance dreaded interviews. The same questions they’ve been answering for the past year, the same repetitive answers, and the same jokes being made. Now though, Lance looked forward to them. It was the one time they were back to their old selves. Back to what made them so popular. Back to normal. 

Lance didn’t understand what was going on the first time it happened. They were doing an interview for one of the many teen magazines when JC was answering a question about their dancing styles. He was speaking to the interviewer, “Lance dances with his hands. He has big hand movements.” Then he suddenly turned to Lance, “You dance like you should be on Broadway.”  

Lance was so shocked he couldn’t respond. JC wasn’t making fun of him, he was complimenting him, because he went on to say that Lance was the worst dancer when they started and he had come a long way. Lance stared at JC talking, as if he looked away, it would never have happened. Then JC turned to him again, and Lance noticed the smile on his face didn’t quite reach his eyes. 

 

 

 

At each interview, JC made it a point to be as normal as possible around Lance. He would always pointedly say something to him, laughing and joking around just like before. 

Before Lance didn’t trust him. 

And JC thought he was getting pretty good at the game. Lance, on the other hand, wasn’t quite as good. He wouldn’t know how to respond right away, still reeling from the fact that JC actually spoke to him.  

Looks like that damn Rat show taught JC some pretty good acting skills after all. 

But when the interview was over, JC would climb in the limo, making sure he was as far away from Lance as possible in the small space, and stare out the window. When he would join the conversation, he would talk to Justin, Joey or Chris. Never Lance. He would barely acknowledge he even said anything. 

Justin had tried to talk to him. Lance had forgiven Justin for what he said that night, and Justin just knew that if JC talked to him, Lance would forgive him, too. But JC wouldn’t budge.

 

Justin, Joey, and Chris could do nothing but sit back and watch their friendship fall apart right before their eyes. 

 

 

It was slightly easier on Lance because of the tour. The guys were always busy, interviews during the day, sound check in the afternoon, right on to the meet and greet, then the down time, then finally the show. On stage it was easier for Lance to forget that JC ignored him, he threw himself into each performance, making sure he hit his mark each and every time. There were subtle changes that shot a pain through Lance’s heart each night, but he steeled himself for that every show. 

Like when JC asked Justin to switch places with him so he wouldn’t have to stand next to Lance during the performance of I Thought She Knew. 

Or when JC asked Joey to be the one he spoke to at the beginning of This I Promise You. 

Or how JC never, not once, looked at Lance, or in Lance’s direction, the whole time they were on stage. 

Or how when they were backstage after Space Cowboy, JC stopped telling Lance he did a good job on the dance break, just because he knew how hard it was for Lance to learn that dance. 

It was the little things, really. 

 

 

Lance had to admit, though, if JC was acting different, none of the others were. Joey became Lance’s new best friend. He knew how much Lance was hurting inside over the JC thing, and he made it a point to be around Lance, to try to make him laugh, to insist that he go to the club with the guys. Lance forgave Joey for telling everyone his secret; he could never stay mad at Joey for long. And Lance was thankful that Joey was around.  

Justin seemed to make up for his reaction that first night by over compensating. He was always around, trying to get Lance to do this with him, or play that with him. Lance actually got to a point where he threw up his hands and told Justin that he was forgiven, he didn’t hate him, could he please give him a moment of peace? And Justin looked at him, relief written all over his face, and hugged Lance so tightly that Lance couldn’t breath. Then he pulled away and asked if Lance wanted to go play basketball. 

Chris was the biggest surprise to Lance. His teasing hadn’t decreased, but Lance now knew that it was all in fun. He could see the twinkle in Chris’s eyes as he spoke to Lance, the slight grin pulling at the sides of his mouth. But Lance didn’t just sit back and take it any more. He gave it right back to Chris, which only spurred Chris on even more. And when they went out to a club, Chris would actually sit in the booth with Lance and point out guys that he thought Lance would find attractive. Lance laughed it off, telling Chris he wasn’t looking for anyone right now. 

When the truth was, none of them even came close to JC. 

 

 

 

CONVESATION MEANS BEING ABLE TO DISAGREE AND STILL CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION. 

*DWIGHT MacDONALD 

CHAPTER TWELVE-CONVERSATIONS 

JC stood in the airport terminal, trying to act inconspicuous, hoping no one would recognize him. Lonnie stood off to the side, reading a newspaper, one eye on his charge. JC pulled the bucket hat lower on his head as two teenage girls walked past, and breathed a sigh of relief as they didn’t even glance his way. 

He checked his watch for the tenth time in two minutes and sighed. Where the hell was her plane? Bobbi was supposed to be here twenty minutes ago, and JC was beginning to get antsy as the waiting room filled up with friends and family members of the passengers. 

Lonnie looked up from his newspaper, “Why don’t you sit down?” 

JC shook his head, “I can’t, I’m too nervous. I just want to get the hell out of here.” 

“What are you nervous about?” Lonnie asked, “no one spotted you yet. I think you’re pretty much in the clear.” 

JC didn’t answer Lonnie, he just looked at his watch again. He didn’t know why he was nervous. He guessed it was partly because of the airport crowds, but it was late in the evening, almost ten, and it wasn’t as crowded as it would have been earlier in the day. 

He thought about Bobbi coming to join them for the next week on tour and realized that’s why he was so nervous. He still hadn’t told Bobbi about Lance being gay, and he wasn’t sure how she was going to react. 

Plus, he needed to talk to someone who wasn’t directly involved. He couldn’t talk to any of the guys because they all thought he was being an asshole about the whole situation. Even Justin, who he tried talking to once told him he should get over whatever was bothering him and move on. 

Trouble was, he didn’t know exactly what was bothering him.  

To tell the truth, he wasn’t sure he should even tell Bobbi. Chris had told Dani, of course, but JC knew they were more serious than he and Bobbi were. Hell, two weeks ago, he was planning on breaking up with her. What would happen is he told her Lance’s secret and they broke up? What would stop her from running to the press with everything she knew? 

JC shook his head, she wouldn’t do that to him. If they broke up, Bobbi was smart enough to know that something like that may ruin their careers. Plus, she was a genuinely nice person. No matter how mad at JC she got, she would never send Lance down the river like that. 

An announcement was made that her plane had landed and JC turned his attention to the door where the passengers would be unloading. He knew Bobbi was going to have a lot of questions about what was bothering him. Ever since that night he called her in the early morning hours, she had been trying to find out what the problem was. He had brushed it off, telling her he was drunk, which was true, and they had been talking about their girlfriends, and he missed her, that’s all. JC knew she didn’t believe him, but she trusted him enough to let it go, to not grill him on the topic. When he wanted to talk, he would. 

JC saw her walking down the ramp, and her eyes flickered to the corners of the lounge, knowing he would try to stay away from the crowds. She saw him and smiled, and JC couldn’t help but feel a twinge knowing that her smile was only for him. 

“Hey, Baby,” she said, as she hugged him. She kissed his lips, “I missed you.” 

JC hugged her close, burying his face in her hair, “I’ve missed you, too.” He pulled away, taking her carryon bag from her and slinging it over his shoulder. His hand trailed down her arm until their hands were linked together. With Lonnie close behind, they headed to the luggage carousel to get her other bags. 

Bobbi looked up at JC as they walked. She noticed that he seemed to age ten years since she had seen him last. She had been rattled when he called her at four in the morning, but she knew JC well enough to know he wouldn’t talk about what was bothering him until he was good and ready. When he called her, asking her to join them on tour for a week, she knew he couldn’t keep it inside any more. 

“So, JC,” she said as they waited for her bags, “what’s up?” 

He looked down at her, a sad look in his eyes, “We need to talk when we get back to the hotel.” 

Bobbi squeezed his hand. “Are you alright?” 

She was surprised to see tears forming in JC’s eyes. He shook his head, “I don’t know, Bobbi, I don’t know.” 

 

 

 

“Lance is gay.” 

Bobbi looked up from the bed at JC, who had been pacing silently for the last fifteen minutes. She had waited patiently for him to begin talking, knowing he was working up the courage to tell her something. This was the last thing she expected to hear. 

“What?” she asked, stunned. 

JC stopped his pacing and faced her, “Lance is gay,” he repeated. 

Bobbi opened her mouth, “Oh my God,” she whispered, shaking her head, “I never even suspected.” 

JC snorted, “Yeah, neither did we.” 

She looked up at him, her eyes wide, “How did he tell you?” 

JC laughed humorlessly and began pacing again. “That’s just it, Bobbi, he didn’t tell me! Joey did.” 

She raised her eyebrows, “Joey? He told Joey before you?” She was truly shocked, JC had always spoken of how close Lance and him were, she never expected him to tell Joey. 

“Yeah,” he said bitterly, “he told Joey. And then we were drinking one night, and Chris asked Lance why he never had a girlfriend, and Joey spilled his guts.” 

Bobbi put a hand to her chest, “That’s horrible, having everyone find out that way.” 

JC turned to her, incredulous, “Horrible? Don’t you think he should have told us anyway?” 

Bobbi stood, moving to the bathroom to get her brush. Pulling her long hair into a ponytail, she spoke to JC. “Of course he should have told you, JC, I’m not disputing that. But,” she sighed as she looked at him, “look at this from his point of view. He was probably scared. You four are his best friends in the whole world, if you rejected him, what was he going to do? He has to spend practically every waking minute with you guys.” 

JC looked at the floor, shaking his head. He ran a hand through his hair as he looked up at her, “I cannot believe you’re taking his side.” 

Bobbi stood in front of him, taking his hands in hers, “JC, I’m not taking sides here. I just know what you’re feeling.” 

JC pulled away from her, “You have no idea what I’m feeling.” 

“You’re feeling hurt, you’re feeling betrayed, and you’re feeling lost.” She crossed her hands over her chest, “Does that about cover it?” 

“You forgot confused,” he muttered so only he could hear. 

“What?” 

JC turned to her, “Yeah, you covered it.” 

“Look, JC,” she said softly, “I’m sure Lance never meant to hurt you. Didn’t he tell you that? Didn’t he explain to you why he told Joey before you?” JC looked away sheepishly, and she gasped. “You’re not talking to him, are you? You’re not even giving him a chance to explain anything!” She glared at him, “God, JC, what the hell kind of friend are you? This major thing comes to light, and you push him away? He’s your best friend! What are you thinking?” 

JC turned on her, “He is not my best friend! I thought he was, but he isn’t! He lost that title as soon as he decided he couldn’t trust me!”

 

Bobbi crossed her arms and stood up to JC, “So, let me get this straight. This is about your pride?” 

“Dammit, Bobbi, why can’t you understand this? He doesn’t trust me!” JC spoke the words slowly, as if spelling them out for her. 

She shook her head as she got into bed, “And why should he, JC? What did you do the second you found out about him? You walked out, you turned your back. Some friend you are.” She pulled the covers up around her shoulders and rolled over, putting her back to him. 

JC stared at her back, angry. He thought she would see it his way, tell him he was right to be mad, right to be hurt. Instead, she took Lance’s side, just like all the others. 

JC had never felt so alone. 

 

 

 

Bobbi faced JC the next morning over breakfast. They were sitting in the hotel lobby, he was cutting a bagel in half, spreading cream cheese on one side. They hadn’t spoken a word to each other all morning, and Bobbi knew this was going to be a long week if she didn’t do something about it. 

“JC, I’m sorry,” she said quietly. He nodded in response, but didn’t answer. She covered his hand on the table, “There’s more to this than what you’re telling me.” He looked up at her, briefly meeting her eyes before looking away. “What’s going on? Please, JC, tell me.” 

He sighed and studied his bagel. The waiter appeared and set their food in front of them, and he heard Bobbi politely thanking the waiter. He waited until he walked away before looking up at her. 

“I don’t know, Bobbi. I don’t know what’s wrong. I know I’m pissed at Lance, but it’s more than the fact that he didn’t trust me, you know? I just don’t know what it is.” He looked back down at his eggs and took a shaky breath. “Me and Lance did everything together. We shared a room, we talked about life, about missing home, we talked about girls, and now,” he lifted his shoulders, “It’s different. I can’t do that anymore, I just don’t feel comfortable around him anymore,” he admitted softly. 

Bobbi studied JC and felt a nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach. This was not going to end well, she knew that. She knew someone was going to be hurt.  

“Why is it different, JC? He hasn’t changed, he’s still the same person.” 

JC slammed his fork on his plate, “He has changed, Bobbi! I don’t know what it is, but he’s different. He stands up to Chris now, he goes out with Joey more now, he actually plays basketball with Justin. He’s just different,” he ended lamely. 

Bobbi spoke softly to JC, “This isn’t about him anymore, JC. This is about you. You feel like he doesn’t need you anymore.”  

JC looked up at her sharply, “What? That’s ridiculous.” 

“He doesn’t need you, JC, and you’re beginning to realize that. By shutting him out, you thought he was going to crack or something, you thought he was going to become reclusive because you weren’t talking to him. But now you see that he can go on. He doesn’t need you to go out, he doesn’t need you to play games, and he doesn’t need you to protect him from Chris. By admitting one little fact, the fact that he’s gay, he’s become a stronger person. And you hate the fact that you don’t have to protect him any longer.” She looked into his eyes, “He doesn’t need you to protect him.” 

JC scoffed, “That’s ridiculous,” he said. “I never protected him, as you say.” 

Bobbi rolled her eyes, “Come on, JC, be honest with yourself for once! How many times did you call me telling me that Chris was picking on Lance, and how you wished he would stop? How many times did you talk to Chris about that fact? I was there for some of the times that you stood up to Chris for him!” 

“Okay? So what if I did? God, Bobbi,” JC said angrily, “how are you turning this on to me?” 

She reached across the table for his hand, “Don’t you get it yet, JC? This has to be turned onto you! Lance isn’t the one talking to you, you’re the one not talking to him. You’re the one with the problem. None of this is Lance’s fault.” She lowered her voice so other patrons couldn’t hear, “Lance didn’t choose to be gay, JC, it’s who he is. Understand that. And understand no matter how strong Lance may be, he still needs you. You’re his best friend, although you seem to be forgetting that with the way you’re acting.” 

JC returned his attention to his food, “I hate when you’re right,” he muttered. 

 

 

 

LOVE YOUR ENEMIES. 

*THE BIBLE, MATTHEW 5:44  

CHAPTER THIRTEEN-SPEAKING WITH THE ENEMY  

The knocking on his door pulled Lance away from his laptop. He wished he could ignore the knocking, he had a lot of work to do, but he was almost grateful for the break. He just hoped it wasn’t Justin, trying to get him to go play basketball. This was their one day off for the week, and he really needed to get caught up on his stuff for FreeLance. 

He stretched as he walked towards the door, feeling the stiffness in his neck. This whole thing with JC was really getting to him. He wasn’t sleeping right, he wasn’t eating right, he was spending way too much time out with Joey at the clubs, and he was tense and nervous around JC. He wanted to talk to him so bad, find out what exactly the problem was, because instinctively, he knew it went beyond his being gay. Unless he judged JC wrong, he was pissed at something else. Of course, it could be on top of the fact that he was gay, but Lance chose to ignore that fact. 

He opened the door and his mouth dropped open in shock. 

“Hey, Lance,” Bobbi said, smiling. 

“Bobbi,” Lance managed to get out, “what are you doing here?” 

“I’m assuming JC didn’t tell you,” she said with a roll of her eyes, “but I’m here with you guys for the next week.” She looked at him, “Can I come in?” 

Lance shook himself out of his stupor, “Yeah, sure, sorry.” He shut the door behind her and followed her into the room, wondering why she was standing at his door. 

She glanced at the bed and the desk, each were covered with papers. “Am I interrupting? Is this a bad time?” 

“No,” Lance assured her, feeling somewhat nervous, “It’s just some stuff for FreeLance.” He smiled at her, “I could use a break,” he lied. He moved to the balcony, “Do you want to go outside, there’s not really much room in here.” 

She nodded, “Yeah, that’s fine.” Following him out to the balcony, she stood next to him at the rail, taking a deep breath. Below them, traffic moved slowly, occasionally, a horn could be heard. They stood in silence for a minute before she took a deep breath, plunging right in. “JC told me.” 

Lance hung his head, closing his eyes, “Oh,” was all he could say. 

She turned to him, placing a hand on his arm, “I’m sorry.”

Lance opened his eyes and turned to her, “Sorry? For what? It’s not your fault that I’m like this.” 

Bobbi shook her head, “Lance, you are not ‘like’ anything, don’t say it like that. Don’t let how JC is reacting to this take any kind of control over your life.” She saw him flinch at the mention of JC’s name, and she felt his arm tense beneath her hand. “Anyway, I was actually apologizing for JC. He’s being an ass,” she said frankly. 

Lance laughed at her bluntness. “Did you tell him that?” he asked, looking sideways at her. 

She smirked, “As a matter of fact, I did. He didn’t take it too well.” She smiled at Lance, and they moved to sit on the chairs. “Seriously, Lance, I talked to him, and there’s so many things he’s mad at,” she took a deep breath, “I don’t even know where to start.” 

Lance snorted, “Well, we can start with the fact that I’m gay.” 

Bobbi shook her head, “No, I don’t really think that’s it, so much. I mean, it threw him for a loop, and for some reason, I think that’s all he can think about, but he’s not mad at that. He’s more mad that you told Joey first.” 

Lance allowed himself a little smile, “Well, I didn’t exactly tell Joey. He found out.” 

Bobbi’s eyes got wide, “He found out?” she asked, a smile tugging at her lips, “You mean he…” 

Lance looked at her and blushed, “God, no! I haven’t been with anyone, if that’s what you’re thinking!” She laughed and he turned a deeper shade of red, “No, he knew something was bothering me, and well some things happened, and he just put two and two together.”  

Bobbi cocked her head, “How did Joey figure it out before JC? I know that you and JC are close.” 

Lance stopped smiling, “We were close, we’re not anymore.” 

Bobbi cursed JC under her breath when she saw the sad look on Lance’s face. He was staring across the top of the city, not really looking at anything, his green eyes focused on a point in the distance. He missed JC, she could see that plain as day on his face. 

“You miss him, don’t you?” she asked softly. 

Lance turned to her. What was he doing sitting here, talking about JC with his girlfriend? God, if she found out…well, things would be disastrous. But instead of changing the subject, he found himself responding to her question, “Yeah, I do.” He looked at his jeans, picking at a loose thread. “We used to talk all the time, about everything, and we don’t even talk anymore. He can barely stand to be in the same room as me.” He looked at Bobbi, “And you know, he’s still my best friend. I still find myself going to call him to tell him something. I can tell him things that I can’t tell Joey or Chris, or Justin, I always could. And now, I don’t have that.” He looked back out over the city. “There’s so many things I want to talk to him about. Sure, I told Joey about me being gay first, but that doesn’t mean anything. If Joey wouldn’t have guessed, I wouldn’t have told him. And I’m so confused about so many things. JC was always the person I would go to if I had a problem. I hate that I can’t do that anymore.” 

Lance glanced up at Bobbi to see her studying him in the afternoon sun. He blushed and looked away, suddenly embarrassed at saying so much, at pouring out the things he was thinking. But it felt good to tell someone, he had been keeping it inside for far too long. He missed JC. And not just because he had feelings for him. He missed his friend, his confidant. 

“Give him time, Lance,” Bobbi said softly, meeting his eyes, “He’s working out issues that I don’t think he even realizes yet.” There was a faraway look in her eyes that faded as quickly as it appeared. “He’ll come around, I’m sure of it.” 

Lance gave her a lopsided smile, “You’re not half bad,” he said. 

Bobbi threw her head back and laughed, “God, Lance, what did you think? That I was this horrible person who had no feelings?” 

Lance shrugged, “Something like that.” 

 

 

 

Bobbi left a few minutes later, saying her and JC had plans for dinner, and she had to get ready. Lance walked her to the door, surprised at the fact that he had actually enjoyed their talk. Bobbi wasn’t as bad as he thought, and if he had just taken the time to talk to her, maybe he would have realized that before. 

Although, he was still in love with her boyfriend, so not too much had changed. 

 

 

 

A SUDDEN, BOLD, AND UNEXPECTED QUESTION DOTH MANY TIMES SURPRISE A MAN AND LAY HIM OPEN. 

*FRANCIS BACON 

CHAPTER FOURTEEN-ALL THAT MATTERS 

The guys were sitting around a table, staring expectantly at the woman seated at the head of it. She was young, and somewhat nervous in the presence of *N Sync, and it showed. She bit her lip and flipped through the notebook in front of her, as if trying to distract herself from the guys around the table. 

Justin and Chris decided to start thumb wrestling, and Lance sat across from them, shaking his head at their level of immaturity at the moment. Occasionally interjecting a comment towards one of them, he mostly just listened to their inane babble during the matches. He was convinced one of them was going to break the others’ wrist. 

Joey was sitting next to the young reporter, of course, trying to make her feel more at ease. What he didn’t realize was that his presence so near to her was setting her even more on edge.  

JC sat at the opposite end of the table as the reporter, slumped in his chair, arms crossed over his chest. He was neither flirting with the reporter nor joining in the frenzy that was Chris and Justin. He was sitting like he had been for the past week, outside looking in.

 

It was amazing how uncomfortable he could feel within his little family. The guys weren’t treating him any differently, really, except for Lance, who did his best to ignore him. The others all made an effort to not make him feel like he was the biggest jerk on the planet. It wasn’t working, but, hey, at least they were trying. 

JC sighed and closed his eyes. He wished Joey would stop flirting with the reporter so they could get on with the interview. After that, they had a quick photo shoot before they had to go back to the hotel. 

“Justin, I swear, you’d think with all your damn muscles you’d be able to beat Chris!” Lance said. 

Justin cocked his head at Lance and grinned, “You checking me out?”  

Lance threw back his head and laughed, “Don’t flatter yourself, fro boy.” 

JC studied Lance from under his lashes. Since his secret was revealed to the guys, he had changed. His appearance was the same, the same spiky tipped blond hair, the same light green eyes, the same pale complexion; but his attitude was different. He was more outspoken, quicker with an insult, quicker to offer his opinion. He was quicker to flash his wide smile, more open to meeting people. 

JC grinned as Lance and Justin exchanged barbs. Lance was keeping up with Justin. JC was quite proud, actually.  

The smile faded from JC’s face as he watched Lance. He really missed him. This week hadn’t been so bad since Bobbi was around. He spent time with her and didn’t have as much free time to think about how much he actually missed Lance. It was times like these, those times when the others were laughing and joking and he felt like he didn’t fit in, that he realized this was when he and Lance would sit together and talk. 

God, why couldn’t he just swallow his pride and admit defeat? Why couldn’t he just knock on Lance’s door and say, “I’m sorry. I’m an ass, can you forgive me?” 

He was scared, that’s why. He was scared that he would open himself up to Lance, and tell him that he was really hurt that Lance couldn’t trust him, and then Lance would turn on him. Lance would tell him off, tell him that he wasn’t such a good friend after all, and he didn’t need friends like JC in his life. 

And then what would he do? At least this way he could still pretend he and Lance were friends. He could pretend that one day they would wake up and be like they were before. If Lance turned him away, though, there would be no more pretending. Just the cold hard truth. And that was more than JC was willing to risk. 

Joey turned to them and told them they were ready to start. JC didn’t open his eyes, just continued to look at Lance, not really hearing what Joey had said. He saw Lance look at him, and his heart broke at the sad look that passed over Lance’s features.  

JC waited for Lance to turn away before opening his eyes. He sat up straight in his chair as the woman began to ask her questions. His mind was working a mile a minute. 

Lance was hurting, too! Well, of course he was, you idiot, did you think his best friend turning his back on him was going to make him do cartwheels? But if Lance was hurting, maybe there was a chance. Maybe the situation wasn’t totally hopeless.  

JC allowed himself a small smile as he tuned the interviewer in. He watched Lance as he answered a question, fascinated by the curve of his jaw, the apple of his cheek, and the way his eyes crinkled as he smiled.  

He didn’t even realize he was staring. 

 

 

 

 

“If you could be anyone other than yourself in the group, who would you be?” The young woman looked at the guys. 

Joey laughed, “I’d be Justin. I want to know what it’s like to have all the girls want me.” 

Chris pretended to pout, “I wanted to be Justin,” he kidded. 

Justin rolled his eyes at the both of them. 

Lance spoke up. “I’d want to be JC,” he said. 

JC looked up sharply from where his gaze rested on the table, quickly focusing on Lance. 

“Why?” the girl asked. 

Lance barely glanced in JC’s direction as he answered. “He’s so passionate about everything. Whether he loves something or hates it, he does it with such passion, it almost consumes him. I’d like to know how that feels, to feel so deeply about something that it just takes over your whole being.” He shrugged, “Plus, his voice is amazing. I’d like to know what it feels like to be able to sing like that.” 

JC didn’t hear the rest of the interview. He could barely tear his eyes away from Lance, who after answering the question, seemed to shut off. His eyes were downcast, staring at a stain on the table as his finger picked at it. His mouth turned downward, and his brow was furrowed as he bit his bottom lip. JC marveled at the change. One minute he was open and inviting, the next he was closed and shut off from the rest of the world. 

But that answer, wow. At least JC knew Lance didn’t hate him. Of course, he was pretty sure that ‘hating something’ part was a direct shot to the way he had been acting the past few weeks. Beyond that, though, JC was floored. That was one of the nicest things anyone had ever said about him. The guys had always teased him about the time spent in the studio, the time writing and perfecting a song. He never knew that Lance admired that about him. Lance never told him. 

Lance never told you a lot of things, JC thought bitterly. He sighed as he pushed the thought out of his mind. That was beside the point right now. Right now, the point was that Lance didn’t hate him. 

And that was all that mattered. 

 

 

 

IT IS DIFFICULT SUDDENLY TO LAY ASIDE A LONG-CHERISHED LOVE. 

*CATULLUS  

CHAPTER FIFTEEN-OUT OF LOVE 

“And then Lance told the lady that he would be me because of my passion. I was floored. But then he said he’d also like to know what it would be like to sing like me. Can you believe it?” 

Bobbi gave JC a smile as she lifted her fork to her mouth. “See, he doesn’t hate you. Now, if you would just get past your stubborn pride, and talk to him.” JC had come back from the interview and photo shoot in a better mood than she had seen him all week. Now she knew why. 

JC rolled his eyes at her. “Whatever.” He turned his attention back to his plate. They were having dinner in the hotel room that night, opting to stay in while the others went out. Bobbi was leaving in a few days and they wanted to make the most of their time together. This way, there were no interruptions. 

“So, where did the others go for dinner?” she asked. 

JC shrugged as he chewed, holding up a hand to signal to wait for his answer. “I have no idea,” he said, wiping his mouth. “Lance was talking about Italian, though.” 

Changing the subject, she said, “The magazine has a killer article about you guys next month. It’s about the tour.” 

JC grinned, excited, “Really?” 

She nodded and smiled at his enthusiasm, “yeah. And the pictures, JC, they’re awesome. It was really great of you guys to let us bring that photographer behind the scenes. We got some really good shots.” She winked at him, “I guess it pays to date the talent.” 

“Well, we didn’t have much say in it. Lance made the decision.” 

Bobbi’s smile froze on her face and she sighed. Okay, next subject. “You guys have off tomorrow, right?” She waited for him to nod before continuing, “What do you want to do? I was thinking maybe we could go to a movie.” 

JC put his fork down and nodded enthusiastically. “That’s a great idea. Lance was just telling us about this movie he saw.” 

Bobbi dropped her fork and it clanged off the side of her plate. “Jesus, JC! Will you shut up about him already?” She stood from the table and began pacing in the suite. 

JC looked up at her, his mouth open in shock. She was taking angry strides across the room before turning and repeating the motion in the other direction. She ran a hand through her hair and faced him. 

“You have been talking about Lance non-stop since you’ve gotten back from the photo shoot.” 

JC made a face at her, “I have not,” he said. Turning back to his food, he felt his face get hot, and suddenly, he wished she would just sit down and change the subject. 

Bobbi laughed without humor. “You are not that stupid, JC.” She began ticking off points on her fingers, “I ask how the interview went, and you tell me Lance’s answer. You never told me who Joey or Chris would be.” 

“Justin,” he muttered, sitting back and crossing his arms, his focus on the plate in front of him. 

Ignoring him, she made her second point. “I ask you where the guys went to dinner and you tell me what Lance wanted. I ask you what you want to do tomorrow, and you tell me about a movie Lance saw.” She shook her head as she glared at him. “For not liking him very much, you sure as hell talk about him an awful lot.” 

JC stood and faced her. “Are you done?” 

She crossed her arms over her chest and shook her head, “No, I’m not done. I want to know what the hell your problem is. You moped around this whole week instead of realizing you’re being an ass and just going to talk to Lance. You come back from the interview happier than I’ve seen you in a long time. You can’t stop talking about Lance for reason’s I have yet to figure out. And do you realize we haven’t made love the entire time I was here?” 

JC took a step back at her last statement. “What? Where did that come from?” 

Bobbi sighed and walked away from JC, putting some distance between the two of them. “It’s just bothering me, so I thought now would be a good time to bring it up.”

 

JC stared at her, incredulous, “You bring up us making love in the same breath as me not talking to Lance? You are insane.” 

Her eyes widened and she crossed the distance she had put in between them. Poking him in the chest, she said, “Do you have a reason why we didn’t make love? Do you have a reason why you just lie there at night, not even wanting to touch me, not wanting to hold me? Do you have a reason why you never tell me you love me anymore unless I say it first?” She took a breath and tried to fight back the tears. “Do you know the last time you told me you loved me first?” He shook his head mutely. “It was that time you called me at four in the morning.” 

JC looked away from her and turned to the mini bar. He remembered that night like it was yesterday. The night Lance’s secret had come out. The night he knew he had to talk to Bobbi, the need so strong, it was as if his life depended on it. 

She watched him as he opened the mini bar and took out a bottle. His movements were stiff, jerked, and he nervously opened the bottle and took a swallow of the amber liquid, drawing a shaky breath afterwards. 

“What happened that night, JC?” she asked quietly. “Why did you call me? Why did you sound so lost?”  

He shook his head and turned around, not quite meeting her eyes. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. We were just drunk, and I wanted to talk to you.” 

“No, JC,” she said, “there’s more to this than what you’re telling me.” He looked at the floor and opened his mouth to respond, “Dammit, JC,” she said angrily, “don’t lie to me! I deserve to know the truth!” 

His blue eyes flashed with anger and something else – was that guilt – as he looked up at her. “That was the night Joey spilled the beans about Lance!” He looked at her, and she was surprised to see a shimmer of wetness covering his eyes, he cursed and quickly turned away, taking another bottle from the bar and drinking it. 

She stood still. Her mouth opened, but no sound came out. That feeling she got in the pit of her stomach, the one telling her this was not going to turn out right, the one telling her that someone was going to get hurt, was back. And this time she got the message loud and clear: she was going to be the one getting hurt.  

All the pieces began to fall into place right then and there for Bobbi. She stared at her boyfriend, the one man she had truly loved, and realized he wasn’t in love with her any more. Somewhere, along the way, he had fallen out of love with her. 

And in love with his best friend. 

Her knees were suddenly weak, and she moved backwards until she felt the bed behind her legs. Her brown eyes were unblinking, her breath shallow as the full force of the events hit her.

JC. 

Was in love.  

With Lance.  

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw JC turn from the mini bar. She raised her eyes from the drab carpeting and looked up at him. Her brown eyes met his blue ones. In his eyes she saw fear. In hers, he saw hurt. 

“Oh my God,” she managed to get out. She felt hot tears course down her cheeks and she pulled her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. She began to rock back and forth on the bed, her lower lip trembling. 

“Bobbi,” JC said softly, crossing the room to go to her. He reached out and touched her arm. 

“No!” She said, moving off the bed like a shot. “Don’t touch me!” 

Hurt flashed in JC’s eyes, but he stayed where he was. “What’s wrong?” 

She stared at him, disbelieving. “Are you kidding me?” She looked at him, taking in his fear filled blue eyes, his pale complexion, the way his tongue snaked out of his mouth to lick his dry lips. He had no idea. “You don’t even know, do you?” she asked, amazed. “You have these feelings, and you have no idea.” 

“What are you talking about, Bobbi? Look, I’m sorry, I should have told you a long time ago,” he shrugged, “I guess somewhere along the way, I just fell out of love with you.” 

She interrupted him. “This isn’t about me, anymore, JC! This is about Lance. And your feelings for him!” 

JC laughed nervously, shaking his head. “I don’t have feelings for Lance. Other than betrayal, that is.” 

“Oh, JC, stop being so damn dramatic!” she said harshly to him. “This is me! You can lie to yourself, but you can’t lie to me.” 

He turned on her, “I am not lying to myself! I don’t have feelings for Lance.” He dropped to sit on the couch, wearily shaking his head. 

The anger slowly began to dissipate from Bobbi as she looked at JC. He was slumped over, his posture screaming defeat. He ran a hand though his hair, stopping at the back of his neck to lightly rub the muscles. His eyes were closed as he leaned his head back on the couch, his hand dropping from his neck to rest next to him on the cushion. She knew him. She knew how he worked, how he thought. He probably didn’t realize he was having feelings for Lance. He probably pushed the mere thought of that out of his head as soon as the slightest sliver of that thought reached his brain. She sighed and crossed the room, sitting next to him. As much as this was going to hurt her, she had to help him. 

“JC,” she said softly. “Please, just think about this for a second, okay?” He turned his head towards her, not lifting it from its resting place on the couch. She took a deep breath and continued. “You have been miserable all week. And then today, suddenly, you’re walking on air. You can’t stop talking about Lance. Every sentence you uttered had his name in it. God, JC, I don’t think you’ve ever talked about me that much!” 

JC rolled his eyes, “Yes I did. When I was first falling in love with you, I talked about you all the time.” He smiled softly, “Lance would get so pissed off at me…” His voice trailed off as he realized what he just said. 

Bobbi ignored the knife that was slicing through her heart. “Do you see? You just proved my points, all of them. When you first fall in love you talk about them all the time. And you managed to work Lance in there somehow.” 

JC closed his eyes, a tear falling from his cheek. “I am not gay,” he whispered hoarsely. “I am not in love with Lance.” 

Bobbi pulled her legs up under her and turned so she was facing JC. “Honey, I know this has to be hard for you,” she placed a hand on his arm, and he let out a sob. “You have these feelings, these thoughts that you never had before and it’s scaring the shit out of you.” He nodded, finally admitting. She drew in a shaky breath and continued, softly, reassuringly. “Don’t you think Lance has the same fears? Don’t you think this would be so much easier if you would talk to him? Tell him what you’re feeling? Maybe he could help you make sense out of it all.” 

JC violently shook his head. “No! I can’t do that.”  

“Why not?” 

“Because I treated him so badly, Bobbi! Don’t you get that? I haven’t talked to him in weeks. He doesn’t need me anymore! He’s changed so much, and it’s all for the better. He’s a stronger person, he doesn’t take anyone’s shit anymore. And I’m like the God dammed King of Shit right now! I caused him so much pain, so much grief in the past few weeks.” The fight left his body, “Hell, I don’t like me right now, why the hell should he?” 

Bobbi pulled him close to her and hugged him, resting her head on top of his. “Because he’s your best friend. Yeah, you’ve been an ass, but trust me when I say that he misses you just as much as you miss him.” 

“But what if these feelings I’m having aren’t real?” he whispered. She had to strain to hear him. “What if it’s just pity, or missing his friendship? What if I don’t love him, I just feel sorry for him or something? I could be throwing away something great right here.” 

Bobbi shook her head and pulled away from him, cupping his face in her hands. “JC, this is killing me inside. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. But you don’t love me, I can see that. So even if what you’re feeling isn’t real, you wouldn’t be happy with me.” She shook her head as he wiped tears from her face. “I have to let you go, whether I like it or not.” 

They were silent for a few minutes, her holding him close, offering what little comfort she could give. 

“What am I going to do?” JC asked, desperation in his voice. 

“I don’t know, sweetie,” she said. “I really don’t know.” 

 

 

 

LONELINESS...IS AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN THE CENTRAL AND INEVITABLE EXPERIENCE OF EVERY MAN. 

*THOMAS WOLFE, YOU CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN 

CHAPTER SIXTEEN - ALONE 

JC sat on the couch in silence as Bobbi moved around him, gathering her things. She walked into the bathroom, turning on the light, and JC closed his eyes as he heard her slight sniffle. She was leaving. As much as she wanted to stay, to help JC through whatever it was he was going through, it just hurt her too much.  

He leaned his head against the back of the couch, eyes closed, mind willing him not to cry. She was leaving, and he was going to be alone. Alone with his thoughts, alone with his feelings, alone with the emotions running through his blood that he didn’t understand. 

He still was having a hard time admitting his feelings for Lance. He knew he nodded when Bobbi asked him if he had feelings, but hell, he was confused. He really didn’t think he was in love with Lance, when he fell in love with Bobbi, he knew for sure. He would know if he were in love, right? 

But why didn’t he want to touch Bobbi? Why didn’t her touch excite him like it used to? Why did he crawl into bed each night she was here, turn his back to her and take careful pains not to touch her in any way? Why did he wake up some mornings in Bobbi’s arms and never the other way around? Why did he never unconsciously roll over in his sleep and hold her? 

Why, why why? There were a million questions running though JC’s head, and not a single answer that didn’t involve Lance. He would fall into bed at night and think of Lance. Think of what a jerk he was being to Lance, and not want to be close to Bobbi. He thought it was because she was taking Lance’s side, he resented her slightly for that, and he wanted to punish her in some way. But what if that wasn’t the reason? What if he pushed her away because he had these deeper feelings for Lance? 

No, no way. He was not gay. He did not have feelings for Lance. 

Then why did Lance’s answer that afternoon make him so happy? Why did he sit and stare at Lance, wondering what he could do to make things right? Why did he think of Lance each and every night before he went to bed, wondering if he was going to be okay? 

JC felt a tear trickle down his cheek. Why can’t you just admit it, Josh? You may have feelings for Lance. 

Because that would mean he was gay. And he didn’t want to be gay, he wanted to be normal. He wanted to get married, have kids, live in a house with a white picket fence, watching his children grow up with his wife by his side. He didn’t want the stigma of being gay, he didn’t want people making fun of him because of his sexual preference, he didn’t want to be known as ‘the gay one.’ 

How did Lance do this? How did he admit to himself feelings that were going to make him different, make him a minority? When did he become strong enough to say, you know what, I’m gay? When did he become strong enough to not need JC in his life? When did he become strong enough to make it though weeks of not talking to his best friend, when they used to share everything? 

And how could JC become that strong?  

“I’m leaving,” Bobbi’s quiet voice broke into his thoughts. 

JC opened his eyes and turned his gaze on her. He nodded slightly and stood, picking up her suitcase and carrying it to the door. “You don’ t have to leave.” 

Bobbi snorted and smiled slightly, “Yes I do. I can’t stay here, JC.” He nodded and looked at the ground. She studied his face, the face she loved, and memorized every curve, every feature. Placing a hand on his cheek, she forced him to look at her. “Do the right thing, JC. Don’t lose him.” 

“Like I lost you?” he asked quietly. 

Bobbi shook her head, “You didn’t lose me, I’m still your friend, no matter what. But if you don’t talk to Lance soon, you may not have that.” She pulled him close and hugged him, closing her eyes against his scent. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered into her neck. “I never wanted to hurt you.” 

“I know,” she said, pulling away. She opened the door to see Randy waiting for her. Handing her bag to him, she followed him into the hallway, turning around to see JC in the doorway. “Good-bye, JC.” 

“Bye, Bobbi,” JC said and backed into the room, shutting the door. 

The elevator dinged, signaling the car was at the floor. She moved down the hallway to where Randy was waiting. The doors opened and Justin and Lance emerged, laughing at a private joke, their bodyguards close behind them. 

“Hey, Randy,” Justin said. Motioning to the suitcase he said, “Planning on leaving us? What did JC do this time?” 

Randy grinned at Justin, “JC’s a peach compared to you, kid. I don’t know how Lonnie puts up with you.” 

Justin jumped onto Lonnie’s back. “We pay him better.” 

Lonnie pushed Justin off of him and grinned at Randy, “And it still isn’t enough.” 

Lance turned away from them and spotted Bobbi walking down the hall. “Bobbi?” he asked softly, moving towards her, “What’s wrong?” 

Bobbi forced herself to smile at Lance. “I’m leaving a few days early.” 

“Why? What happened?” Justin asked her, coming to stand next to Lance. 

She looked down at the floor, “JC and I broke up.” 

Justin moved to hug her and she closed her eyes at his comforting touch. “I’m sorry, Bobbi.” 

Lance stood in openmouthed shock. JC and Bobbi broke up? Why? What happened? He wasn’t going to ask the questions that were running through his mind. His mouth finally started to work and he managed a soft, “I’m sorry.” 

Bobbi opened her eyes at the sound of Lance’s soft, deep voice. She looked at him as she stepped away from Justin. This was the man JC was in love with. God, she wanted to hate him. She wanted to run at him, hit him, claw at him and scream at him until she had no energy left. He was the reason JC didn’t want to be with her anymore. He was the reason she lost everything. 

He was standing there with a sad look on his face, and Bobbi knew he was genuinely sorry for what had happened. And Bobbi saw the common bond between the two of them. They had both lost JC.  

“Are you going to be okay?” Lance asked her. “Do you need anything?” 

Bobbi smiled to herself. This was the reason she couldn’t hate Lance. He was too damn nice. “I’ll be fine.” She looked at him and impulsively hugged him. “Take care of yourself, Lance.”  

Lance was surprised at her gesture and he gently hugged her back, “I will.” 

She tightened her arms around him and whispered in his ear, “Take care of JC, too.” 

Lance felt his heart tighten at her words. How was he supposed to take care of JC when they weren’t even speaking? 

Bobbi pulled away and looked Lance in the eye. “It’s all going to work out, Lance, don’t worry.” 

Lance smiled at her, “If you say so.” 

“I do.” She took a deep breath and moved towards the elevator, “Bye guys.” 

Justin waved to her, “Bye Bobbi. See you around.” 

The doors shut on her and Lance turned to Justin. “Maybe you should check on JC.” 

Justin looked down the hallway to his room. “Man, I wish you two were talking,” he grinned, “you’re better at JC misery than I am.” 

Lance laughed, “I wish we were talking, too, Justin, but it’s not going to happen tonight.” His face lost its smile as he looked at JC’s shut door. 

“Don’t worry, Lance,” Justin said, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder as they walked down the hall, “Sooner or later he’ll come around.” 

Lance nodded, leaving Justin outside JC’s door and moving towards his own. “I know. I just hope it’s sooner rather than later.” 

Justin watched as Lance closed the door to his room and sighed as he faced JC’s. “I wish it was right now,” he muttered. 

 

 

 

JC ignored the knocking on his door. He really didn’t want to talk to anyone tonight. 

“JC, I know you’re in there, so open up!”  

JC groaned as Justin’s voice came through the door. “Go away, Justin!” he called. 

“You know I can just go get a key, right?” He pounded on the door again, “JC, let me in,” he whined. 

JC sighed heavily as he pulled himself off the couch and to the door. Pulling it open, he glared at Justin, “What?” 

Justin pushed past him and entered the room. “You okay?” 

“Fine,” JC answered, staying by the door. “You can go now.” 

Justin grinned and plopped onto the couch. “Yeah right. I’m staying.” 

JC’s face twisted into a scowl as he shut the door. “Well, I’m going to bed, so you’ll have to entertain yourself.” JC moved into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. 

Justin looked at the closed door in disbelief. JC was actually blowing him off! Now what was he supposed to do? He groaned and spoke out loud, “How did Lance do it?” 

“How did Lance do what?” JC asked him, coming out of the bathroom. 

Justin didn’t face him as he responded, “How did he get you to talk all those times when you were being moody?” 

“I am not being moody,” JC retorted. 

Justin turned his gaze on him, raising his eyebrows, “Whatever.” 

“You can leave anytime, J,” JC said to him. 

“You want to tell me what happened?” Justin asked him. 

“Nope,” JC said as he got into bed, pulling the covers over him. 

“Why not?” Justin asked, undeterred. 

JC groaned into his pillow, “You’re not going to leave, are you?” 

Justin grinned and sat next to him on the bed. “After you tell me what happened.” 

JC sat up, leaning against the headboard, “We broke up.” 

Justin rolled his eyes, “Duh, JC. Lance and I saw Bobbi in the hallway and she told us that.” 

JC whipped his head around to look at Justin, “You and Lance?” 

Justin nodded, oblivious to JC’s tone of voice. “Yeah, we were coming back from dinner and saw her in the hallway. She told us you broke up and that she was leaving.” 

“Did she say anything else?” JC fought to keep his tone neutral. 

Justin shook his head, “Nope. So, why did you break up?” He turned to JC. 

JC sighed. Justin was not going to leave him alone. “I don’t love her anymore, Justin.” 

“You seemed pretty cozy this week,” Justin pointed out. 

Denial, JC thought, I was in denial. Hell, I still am. Out loud he spoke to Justin, “Did you ever fall in love with someone and not know it?” 

Justin looked at JC. Something in the tone of his voice had changed. “What do you mean?” 

JC shrugged, picking at a piece of thread on the comforter. “I mean…did you ever wake up one morning and realize you had feelings for someone that you never knew you had? That seemed to come out of nowhere?” 

Justin shook his head, “No, I don’t think so. Although, I’m sure it can happen.” 

JC exhaled and banged his head against the wall, “It does,” he admitted quietly. 

“And I’m guessing it was someone other than Bobbi,” Justin said dryly. 

“You have no idea,” JC muttered. “We got in a fight tonight, and she made me admit that I had feelings for someone else.” JC smiled wryly, “That woman knows me too well, Justin. She saw the feelings before I did.” 

Justin laughed, “You know what they say about a woman’s intuition. Don’t mess with it.” His voice turned serious, “She was right, though, about these feelings?” 

JC was quiet for a long time, and Justin wasn’t even sure he heard the question. He looked over at JC and saw that he was thinking. He bit his lip as he thought, his hands wringing the comforter between them. He sighed heavily, and ran a hand through his hair, not for the first time that night from the looks of it.  

“As much as I hate to admit it,” JC said, meeting Justin’s eyes, “I think she’s right.” 

Justin shrugged, holding JC’s gaze, “Why don’t you want to admit it?” 

JC sank down onto the bed, pulling the covers to his chin. Rolling on his side, so his back was to Justin, he answered. “I’m not supposed to love this person, Justin.” 

“Why not?” 

“Turn the light out and lock the door behind you,” JC said. 

Justin knew JC wasn’t going to tell him anything more. Sighing, he got off the bed and moved towards the door, shutting off the light as requested. He paused at the door, and spoke across the room to JC. “I wish you were talking to Lance, JC. He’s the one you need to go to right now, he’s the one who always helps you with your problems.” He opened the door and light from the hallway spilled in, “I’m sorry I wasn’t a better help,” he said sincerely, “I’m sorry I wasn’t Lance.” 

JC heard the door shut and there was total darkness in his room.  

“I’m sorry, too.” 

 

 

 

A SENSE OF CURIOSITY IS NATURE'S ORIGINAL SCHOOL OF EDUCATION. 

*SMILEY BLANTON, MD LOVE OR PERISH 

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN - CURIOSITY 

“Hey Lance, truth or dare?” 

Lance rolled his head to look at Justin. They were on the bus, pulling away from the venue, and Justin was sitting at the table, grinning. Lance groaned as he closed his eyes and turned away from him. 

“Hey, that’s JC’s game,” Joey said from his place in the kitchen. He was standing in front of the refrigerator, looking for a bottle of water. 

JC spoke up from his place on the other couch, where he was looking out the windows at the fans, “Yeah, and even I never play it unless we’re drinking.” 

“Look what happened last time we played that, Justin,” Chris said, coming out of the bathroom, “Joey outed Lance and nothing’s been the same since.” 

JC cursed under his breath and closed his eyes. Chris wasn’t even being subtle with his digs anymore. JC opened his eyes and spotted Lance’s reflection in the dark window of the bus. He was looking at him with a sad _expression on his face. JC took that opportunity to watch Lance without being detected. His hair was spiky, but somewhat flat, a result of the show they just put on. He was wearing a white wifebeater, as they all were since that was underneath their costumes for the show. His arms were crossed over his chest, but as he looked at the back of JC’s head, he sighed and moved one hand to play with the bottom of his shirt. JC felt a pang of remorse go through him as he watched. 

But what was he going to do? He couldn’t talk to Justin about his problem, he wasn’t the type of person JC would go to about something like this. Yet Justin seemed to be the only one who noticed something was wrong with him. He was the only one who would constantly ask if everything was okay. Sure, Joey and Chris were concerned after his breakup with Bobbi, but that was natural. Neither one of them had noticed he had become slightly withdrawn, not speaking as much as he used to, spending more and more time in his bunk when they were stuck on the bus. 

Lance knew, JC was sure. He would catch Lance watching him, glancing at him when he thought JC wasn’t paying attention. Although, even JC had to admit, he was paying a lot more attention to Lance recently.  

“Come on, guys,” Justin pleaded, “we don’t have to drink to play!”  

Lance turned his gaze away from JC to look at Justin. “Fine. Dare.” 

Justin’s face dropped. “You never say dare,” he accused, “you always say truth!” 

The guys laughed, “You know Justin,” Lance said, “you can just ask me whatever you want to know. We don’t have to play a game.” 

Justin bit his lip as he thought about that. He played with a pen that was lying on the counter, rolling it between his fingers. “Okay,” he said. Taking a deep breath, he looked up at Lance. “What’s it like to kiss a guy?” 

JC whipped his head from the window to stare wide-eyed at Justin. Joey and Chris started laughing, and Lance blushed slightly.  

“Is there something you want to tell us, Justin?” Chris teased him.  

Moving next to him, Joey put an arm around his shoulders, “Thinking about playing for the other team?” he asked. 

Justin angrily pushed Joey away and stood up, “Nevermind. I’m going to take a shower.”  

“I don’t know,” Lance said quietly. 

Justin stopped in the doorway of the bathroom and turned to Lance. Chris and Joey’s laughter died down and they stopped their antics to look at Lance. JC turned his eyes downward, not wanting to show how much he wanted to hear all about this subject. 

“What?” Justin asked, coming back to sit next to Lance, “you don’t know?” 

Lance shrugged, “I never kissed a guy,” he admitted. 

Justin’s mouth dropped open, “But you’re gay!” 

Lance laughed, “I know that, Justin. But, I’ve never been with anyone.” He took a deep breath, “Look, I know you guys found out about this kind of suddenly, but so did I!” He ran a hand through his hair and met Justin’s eyes. “Remember that night when you found out?” Justin nodded and Lance continued, “You accused me of keeping this from you, you were pissed that I didn’t tell you sooner.” Lance shrugged, “I didn’t know sooner, Justin. I just realized that I had these feelings not long before that.” 

Justin didn’t respond and Joey spoke to him, “We know you were pissed that night, Justin. We know you felt hurt that Lance didn’t tell you, but if you want to know the truth, he didn’t tell me, either.” Everyone looked at him in surprise, “I figured it out.” 

Chris laughed, “Yeah right, Joe, you’re a regular Dick Tracy.” 

“He did,” Lance said. “Come on, do you really think I would have told Joey first?” His gaze flickered over and he briefly met JC’s eyes before JC looked away. 

“Well, how did you find out?” Justin asked Joey. 

Lance looked at Joey and he could see the pleading look in his green eyes. Lance didn’t want Joey to go into a lot of detail, and this time, Joey was going to respect his wishes. “We were at a club one night, and I just put the pieces together. Lance was miserable, and I saw him watching some guy, and I confronted him about it.” 

 

Chris bounded over to the seat next to Lance, “Ooh, who were you watching? Was it me? Do I turn you on?” He sat in Lance’s lap and played with his hair. 

Lance laughed loudly and pushed him away, “No, it wasn’t you.”  

Justin held up his hands, “Wait a minute, here.” Chris stopped moving on Lance and Lance pushed him to the floor. “How do you know you’re gay if you’ve never kissed a guy? Isn’t that kind of a prerequisite?” 

Lance blushed and looked at the ground, “Trust me, Justin, I know.” 

“How?” he persisted. 

Joey grinned, “Are you sure you want to hear about this, J? He may start telling you his fantasies, can you handle that?” 

Justin rolled his eyes and turned back to Lance, “Okay, don’t tell me any fantasies, just tell me how you’re so damn sure you like guys.” 

Lance looked down at his hands. He felt the weight of his friends’ eyes on him, and he was afraid if he looked up, he’d look right into JC’s big blue eyes, and everything would be over. He knew JC was paying attention to the conversation, even if he wasn’t participating in it. He had stopped looking out the window and concentrated on the guys in the bus. He wasn’t fidgeting, he was sitting perfectly still, pretending to be preoccupied with a lose thread on his pants, but Lance knew that was just a front. The real question was: why was JC so damn interested in this now when for the past few weeks, he couldn’t have cared less? 

“I just know, Justin. Trust me. I’m attracted to guys,” he looked down at Chris, “no, not you.” Chris pouted and he smiled at him. “Look, you don’t want to hear about this, so I’m not going to go into details. Just believe me when I say that I find guys, one in particular, to be attractive. And even though I haven’t kissed a guy, I just know that I want to. And I just know that it will be perfect.”  

Joey glanced at JC who was sitting quietly on the couch, his gaze on Lance, his eyes slightly narrowed. He was biting his lower lip as if he was in deep thought. As Lance answered Justin, he smiled slightly and nodded. Joey felt his own mouth pull into a smile as he watched. Maybe there was hope after all. 

“Okay, Justin,” Joey said, “your turn. Truth or dare?” 

Justin groaned, “I thought we weren’t playing that.” 

Joey shrugged, “Fine. Then I have a question for you.” Justin opened his arms, telling Joey to go ahead. “Okay. So, we all know how you reacted when you found out Lance was gay.” He grinned slyly, “What if another one of us were gay? How would you deal with that?” He grinned at Lance, who looked at him sharply. Looking away, he met JC’s gaze. 

JC sucked in a breath when Joey asked his question. Does he know? He couldn’t. But he figured out when Lance was gay, maybe he just knew certain things. He met Joey’s gaze and was horrified when Joey gave him a slight nod and a wink. 

JC turned to look out the window again, both dreading and anticipating Justin’s response. 

“You got something you want to tell us, Fatone?” Chris asked again, grinning. 

Joey shook his head. “Nope. Not me.” He shrugged, “I’m just curious, that’s all. I mean, sooner or later, Lance is going to have a boyfriend, and I was just wondering how Justin was going to react.” 

Justin shrugged, “I don’t know. I mean, I guess I would be okay. It would be weird to have two gay guys in the group, but hey, maybe then Lance could get some!” 

Lance blushed and groaned, “God, Justin.” 

Justin grinned, “You could! Then you can tell me what it’s like to kiss a guy!” 

Lance looked up at Justin, a sly grin on his face. “Well, Justin, how about this? How about me and you kiss, then both of us will know what it’s like.” 

Justin stopped his laughing to look at Lance. His eyes grew wide, “what? You want to kiss me?” 

Lance shrugged, “Well, you wouldn’t be my first choice, but I guess you wouldn’t be so bad. You do have Britney coming back for more.” 

Justin cocked his head and studied Lance, “Are you serious?” 

Chris got up and moved next to Joey at the table, “He’s considering it!” he laughed. 

Joey’s eyes flickered between Lance and Justin and JC. JC had once again turned back to the conversation in the bus and was staring at the two on the other couch. 

Justin glared at Chris, “I’m not considering it, I’m just trying to find out if he’s serious or not!” 

Lance dropped his hand on Justin’s knee. “Sure I am, J. What’s the matter?” 

Joey grinned at Lance, knowing he was teasing, and caught JC out of the corner of his eye. His jaw was clenched, the muscles moving tightly. His hands were in fists at his side and his blue eyes were hardened steel. He abruptly stood, “I’m taking a shower,” he said, moving past Justin and Lance on the couch, not bothering to acknowledge their little game. 

Justin looked at the bathroom door as it slammed shut, “Jeez, what crawled up his ass?” 

Joey grinned, feeling quite proud of himself for figuring out yet another secret. “Let’s not talk about him, Justin. Are you gonna kiss Lance, or what?” 

Justin moved from the seat next to Lance to the space JC had occupied. “No. I don’t need to know that bad.” 

Lance pouted, “Will my broken heart ever heal?” he sighed dramatically. “What’s wrong with me, Justin? Am I not good enough for you?” 

Justin rolled his eyes, “Actually, you stink. Talk to me after you’ve taken a shower.” 

 

 

 

 

The guys were watching TV in the front of the bus when JC came out of the shower. Lance was closest to the bathroom door and caught a whiff of him as he stood in the doorway. He fought the urge not to turn around and drink in the sight of JC slightly wet and squeaky-clean. 

“What are you guys watching?” JC asked.  

Joey flipped through the channels, “Nothing’s on.” 

Chris groaned, “Joey, there’s lots of stuff on, you just can’t stop your damn finger long enough to watch anything.” 

JC shook his head, “This is going to be a long ride,” he muttered. “I’ll be in the back if you need me.” He turned and walked to the lounge at the back of the bus. 

Lance stood, “I’m getting in the shower.” He gathered his stuff from his bunk and disappeared, closing the door behind him. 

Joey immediately shut off the TV. “Hey,” Justin protested, “if you’re not going to watch anything, give me the remote.” 

“Shut up,” Joey said, “we have to talk.” 

Justin’s eyes grew wide, “You are gay!” he said. 

Joey rolled his eyes, “Shut up, Justin. I am not.” He glanced at the bathroom door and the door to the back lounge, making sure they were both closed. “This think with Lance and JC has gone on long enough.” 

Chris nodded, “I know. But what are we going to do about it? JC has to get his head out of his ass and talk to Lance.” 

Justin agreed, “I don’t know what’s going on with him. I tried talking to him the other night, and he basically blew me off.” He looked in the direction of the lounge, “He really needs to talk to Lance. Lance was the one who really kept him together.” 

Joey sighed, “Look, guys, I don’t know if I should be telling you this or not, cause I don’t know for sure.” 

As his voice trailed off, Justin shook his head, “No way, Fatone, you’ve kept enough secrets. If you know something, spill.” 

“Yeah,” Chris echoed, “especially if it can help JC and Lance. Things haven’t been the same around here.” 

Joey took a deep breath, “Don’t tell Lance I told you this or he’ll kill me. Lance has a thing for JC.” 

Chris sucked in a breath and Justin’s eyes widened as his mouth dropped open. “Lance? Has a thing for JC? Like he wants him?” 

Joey clamped his hand over Justin’s mouth. “Will you shut up? That’s how I found out about Lance. I saw him watching JC and Bobbi in a club one night. I thought he had a thing for Bobbi, but then I realized it was actually JC. He told me all about it,” Joey shook his head, “guys, he’s really in love with him.”

 

Chris shook his head, “This must be killing him, then.” His gaze grew hard, “I’m gonna kill JC!” 

Joey rolled his eyes, “Why did I tell the two of you this?” He sighed again, “Look, I think JC kind of feels the same.” 

 

“What?” Justin practically shouted. 

“Justin!” Joey hissed. Justin shut his mouth. “I was watching him tonight, and he was practically staring at Lance. And did you notice when he got pissed off and left? It was when Lance was joking around about kissing you,” he said to Justin. “It’s just a feeling I have.” 

Justin nodded, “You may be right. The other night, I was talking to him about breaking up with Bobbi, and he said he had feelings for someone else. I asked him why he didn’t do anything about it, and he said something about not supposed to be having feelings for this person.” He looked between Joey and Chris, “It could be Lance.” 

“What are we going to do?” Chris asked. “We can’t force them to talk, they’re not five.” 

A sparkle appeared in Joey’s eyes. “Who says?” Chris and Justin looked at him, “Who says we can’t force them? This is a group thing, guys. It’s hurting all of us.” 

“How are we going to do that, Joey? Lance might be willing to talk, but you know JC. He’s too damn pigheaded to admit he was wrong,” Justin shook his head, “I don’t think it’ll work.” 

Joey sat forward on the seat, “Look, we’re on this bus all night, right?” They nodded. They had to drive all night to get to the next city in time for their show. “It happens tonight.” 

“How?” Justin asked. 

Chris grinned, “Leave that to me.” He picked up the remote and turned the TV back on. 

 

 

A few minutes later, Lance came out of the bathroom. “Shower’s open, guys.”

 

Chris, Justin and Joey shared a look. Chris stood up, “I’m next.” He moved towards the bathroom. “Hey, Lance, can you do me a favor?” Lance looked at him expectantly, and nodded. “Can you go in the lounge and get me my backpack? I have a magazine in there I want.” 

Lance turned to the lounge, opening the door and moving into the small room. He studiously avoided JC, who was lying on the couch, a notebook in his lap. “Chris,” he called, “I don’t see it.”  

As he turned, the door shut, and he could hear voices on the other side. Getting a sinking feeling in his stomach, he moved towards the door. He turned the knob and tried pushing open the door. “Chris!” he said. “Open the door!” 

Joey’s voice floated through the door. “Listen up, you two!” JC looked up from his notebook in confusion. “We are on this bus all night. You two are going to be stuck in there for as long as it takes to work out whatever problems you may have!” 

JC stood and walked to the door, pounding his fists on it. “Let us out! You have no right to lock us in here!” 

“Shut up, JC!” Justin yelled to him. “You are being a jerk, and it’s about time someone told you that! You and Lance haven’t spoken to each other in weeks, and we’re sick of it!” 

JC spoke through clenched teeth, “You have no idea what’s going on,” he said, “let me out!” 

Lance had moved away from the door and sat on the other couch in the small room. He knew there was no use arguing, they weren’t going to let them out any time soon. He watched JC’s back as he spoke through the door and sighed. This was going to be a long night. 

 

 

 

A LITTLE SINCERITY IS A DANGEROUS THING, AND A GREAT DEAL OF IT IS ABSOLUTELY FATAL.  

*OSCAR WILDE, THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY  

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN - HONESTY 

Lance sighed and rested his head on the back of the couch. JC was still arguing through the door, his notebook forgotten on the seat he vacated. Lance watched him argue with Justin and took in a shaky breath. It was obvious JC didn’t want to be stuck in the room with him. His tone was pleading, he was begging the other guys to let him out, and when Joey finally yelled into him that they knew what his problem was and he better make things right, JC’s eyes widened before they closed, and he slumped against the door, defeated. 

Lance watched him through half closed lids as he turned from the door, avoided looking at Lance, and sat back on the couch. He didn’t open his notebook, instead, angrily threw it on the ground and cursed. He dropped his head against the window and watched the passing scenery. Lance wondered what was so damn exciting out there, considering it was the middle of the night and nothing could be seen.  

Lance began to get angry as he studied JC. He was acting like a child. There was no reason that they couldn’t have an adult conversation about what his problem was. He watched as JC’s jaw clenched, as he swallowed, as he sunk lower into the couch, pulling his T-shirt down where it rode up on his stomach. And in the brief instant Lance saw JC’s hard stomach, he forgot all about being angry. 

Lance sighed. This was going to be a long night, he thought again. He was trapped in a small room on the bus, with JC, who had just gotten out of the shower, who’s scent traveled across the small space between them, driving Lance crazy every time he took a breath, and he had to act like he didn’t give a damn about JC Chasez and the feelings that overcame him whenever he was around. 

He decided that he was going to be the bigger man here. “You want to talk about it?” he quietly asked. 

JC whipped his head away from the window to look at Lance. It was as if he could hardly believe that Lance was talking to him. “Talk about what?” he asked shortly. 

Lance shrugged and sat up, “I don’t care, Jace. Whatever you want. Why you’re so pissed at me, why you won’t talk to me, why you and Bobbi broke up.” He sighed as JC’s eyes flickered away, “There was a time when you would have come to me when something like that happened. You still can, you know.” 

JC’s eyes hardened, “You want me to talk to you about my problems?” Lance nodded, and JC turned to him, swinging his legs so his feet rested on the floor. “Like you talked to me, right?” he asked. 

Lance looked at the floor, “JC, that’s different.” 

JC nodded and answered sarcastically, “Oh, you’re right, it is different. Because obviously my problems aren’t as big as yours, and when they’re really big problems, we keep them to ourselves.” He glared at Lance, “Or we go to Joey.” 

Lance shook his head, “That’s not true, JC! He forced it out of me! I didn’t want to tell him, I didn’t want to tell anyone yet!” He fell back against the couch, defeated, “You have no idea how hard that was for me.” 

JC answered bitterly, “Well, maybe if you would have talked to me about it, I would have.” 

“Why? So you could turn your back on me, just like you did when you found out?” Lance stood up and began to pace in the small space, “That’s precisely why I didn’t tell you, JC! I couldn’t handle you turning away from me!” 

“I wouldn’t have turned away from you, Lance!” JC told him heatedly. 

Lance stopped his pacing and stood in front of him. “JC, you walked out on me when you found out! Why would you have reacted any differently if I told you earlier?” 

JC stood and looked him in the eye, “Because I would have found out from you rather than Joey.” He poked Lance in the chest, “That would have been the difference.” 

Lance shook his head, “No it wouldn’t have, JC. You would have found out I was gay and went running. That would have been the end of everything. How you found out wouldn’t have made a difference.” 

JC threw up his hands and turned away, “How the hell do you know what I would have done, Lance?” 

Lance grabbed his arm and forced JC to face him, “Because it’s what you did.” 

JC pulled his arm from Lance’s grasp. “You didn’t give me a choice, Lance.” He dropped back on the couch and put his head in his hands. His voice dropped and Lance had to strain to hear him. “I thought we told each other everything, you know? When Joey told us you were gay,” he looked up and Lance was surprised to see tears shimmering in his eyes, “I was hurt.” He glanced away, “I thought it was another one of Joey’s jokes, you know? Because there was no way you would have told him before me. There was no way.” 

JC shook his head as Lance didn’t answer. There, he had told him. Well, he hadn’t told him everything, he didn’t really think now was the time to get into his confused feelings. He wanted to tell Lance everything, though. But something was holding him back. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was his stubborn pride. Lance didn’t tell him, so why should JC talk to Lance? 

“Josh,” Lance said, the tone of his voice causing JC to look up and meet his eyes, “I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but trust me, I had my reasons.” 

“What were they?” 

Lance hesitated, he didn’t want to talk to JC about his feelings, not yet. It was too soon. He didn’t even know how JC really felt about him being gay. In the back of his mind, a voice was telling him to just tell him, everything would turn out okay. But he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t tell him that he had feelings for him that ran deeper than friendship, that were bordering on full-blown love.  

He turned away, “I can’t tell you.” 

“Dammit, Lance!” JC exploded, “This is what I’m talking about! You tell me how we’re best friends, we talk about everything, and yet you keep secrets from me!” He turned his angry eyes on Lance, “Does Joey know?” he asked bitterly. When Lance hung his head, JC laughed shortly, without humor. “He does, doesn’t he?” JC stood and walked to the door, banging on it, “Justin, let me out!”  

“I’m in love with you.” 

JC wasn’t sure his mind wasn’t playing tricks on him when he thought he heard Lance’s deep voice softly speak to him. He stopped pounding on the door, it wasn’t getting him anywhere anyway, and he slowly turned to Lance. “Did you say something?” he asked shakily. 

Lance was staring at the ground, his lips trembling, his green eyes shining with tears. His hand came up to wipe his face, but he refused to look at JC, refused to answer. His voice seemed stuck in his throat.  

He hadn’t meant to say it, he really didn’t. He just looked at JC standing there, pounding on the door in an effort to get away from Lance, and it just came out. It was a desperate attempt to keep him in the room with him. A desperate attempt to get JC to stay just five minutes longer. And now that he said it, there was no going back.  

JC stayed where he was by the door. Anger began to boil inside of him. Lance was in love with him? If that’s indeed what he said, JC was pissed. This is why he couldn’t tell him? This was his big reason for not including JC in his life? Well, isn’t that what love was? Didn’t you tell the person you were in love with everything?  

 

“What did you say, Lance?” JC prodded. 

Lance finally looked up and met JC’s eyes. “I’m in love with you,” he said, his voice still quiet, but growing stronger. “That’s why I didn’t tell you. You’re the reason I realized I was gay.” 

JC’s mouth dropped open, “you’re kidding, right?” 

Lance flinched at the uncaring tone of voice. He was already beginning to wish he didn’t say anything. He was going to lose JC for sure. “No, I wish I was, but I’m not.” He began to speak, his words tumbling out. “I found myself thinking of you when I shouldn’t have been. I hated Bobbi, JC; I hated her so much because she took you away from me when she was around. We never got to spend any time together when she was on tour. I hated that she got to kiss you, that she got to make love to you, and I had to be happy just being your fiend.” Lance looked up at JC, dismayed to see anger in his eyes, “And that was okay with me, JC. I was fine just being your friend. But apparently, Joey saw me watching the two of you at a club one night, and he forced me to talk to him. He forced me to admit who I was, and my feelings.” He shook his head, “I’m beginning to wish he never did.” 

JC was angry. Lance was beginning to wish he never realized his feelings? Beginning to wish he never told Joey about them? Well, so was JC. If this shit hadn’t happened with Lance, he wouldn’t be where he was today. He’d still be with Bobbi, his girlfriend, he’d still be happy, and he wouldn’t have to worry about these unknown, unexplained feelings he thought he had for Lance. The anger boiled to the surface, and he said three words that would change his life. 

“I hate you.” 

 

 

 

IF YOU HATE A PERSON, YOU HATE SOMETHING IN HIM THAT IS A PART OF YOURSELF. WHAT ISN'T PART OF OURSELVES DOESN'T DISTURB US. 

*HERMANN HESSE, DEMIAN  

CHAPTER NINETEEN - HATE?  

The knife of JC’s words sliced into Lance’s chest and he forgot how to breathe. His knees gave out and he fell to the couch, his chest constricting from the pressure and he took in a deep breath. The breath was shallow, causing him to take in another and another. The hot tears coursed over his cheeks and he let them fall onto his pants, the wetness causing a dark spot on his gray sweats.  

He shook his head wordlessly, this wasn’t supposed to happen. JC wasn’t supposed to hate him. He couldn’t even look up at JC, who he assumed was still standing in the doorway. The breaths he took were not enough to fill his lungs, and his silent crying soon escalated into sobbing as he struggled to breathe.  

He rocked back and forth on the couch, not caring what JC thought of him anymore, not caring if JC thought he was a baby for crying, if he thought he was nothing more than a fag. JC didn’t care about him, so why should Lance care what he thought? JC didn’t care about Lance’s feelings, tossing them aside like yesterday’s newspaper when he told Lance he hated him. 

He never heard the door open, but he felt strong arms around him. A voice was at his ear, whispering how everything was going to be okay. Whispering questions, what happened, are you okay, what did he do? Lance’s gaze was on the carpeted floor in front of him, the questions going unanswered. 

 

 

 

JC watched Lance crumble in front of him and it tore his heart in two. He closed his eyes against the sight of Lance rocking on the couch, staring into nothingness, and turned to the door. He knocked on it, knowing that the others were right outside, listening to everything that was being said. 

“Justin, if you know what’s good for you, let me out, now,” he spoke through gritted teeth. “Joey needs to come in here, Lance needs him.” 

The door swung open immediately, and Joey pushed JC aside, looking for Lance. Seeing him on the couch, he turned to JC, “What the hell did you do to him?” 

JC turned away from his angry eyes. It didn’t matter where he looked, though; Chris and Justin were shooting accusatory looks at him as well. “I screwed up, Joe.” 

Chris grabbed him by the collar of his T-shirt, “Fix it, JC.” 

JC unclenched Chris’s hands from his shirt and pushed by him, “I don’t know how.” He walked out the door and moved towards the front of the bus. 

Justin watched him go, “I’ll go talk to him.” He looked at Lance on the couch, who didn’t even realize they stepped into the room, “Make sure he’s okay,” he pleaded with Joey. 

Joey nodded and sat next to Lance on the couch, pulling him close. Chris knelt on the floor in front of him, his hands on his knees, softly asking him if he was okay. Justin, satisfied that Chris and Joey were going to make everything okay, turned and went after JC. 

Justin found him standing next to the refrigerator, the door open, JC staring blankly inside. Anger surfaced in Justin and he pushed JC, slamming the door shut. “What the hell happened in there?” 

JC fell backwards, catching himself on the table. He turned his stunned eyes to Justin, “None of your business.” 

“None of my business? JC, you left Lance in there, crying, hardly able to breathe, and you tell me it’s none of my business? I think it is!” Justin forced JC into the booth and stood in front of it, blocking his exit. “Now, you better talk, and you better tell me the truth.” 

JC sighed, his head falling onto his arms, which were folded on the table. “I screwed up, Justin.” 

“So you mentioned,” Justin said dryly, crossing his arms over his chest. 

JC turned his head, his cheek against his forearms and didn’t meet Justin’s eyes. “He told me he loves me,” he said quietly. 

Even though Justin already knew this, courtesy of Joey, his eyes widened. He didn’t expect Lance to tell JC that. He didn’t expect that an hour trapped in a room would have Lance telling JC everything just like he used to. “He what?” Justin asked. 

“He told me he loved me,” JC replied, picking his head off his arms. Leaning back in the booth, he stared at the closed door to the room that held Lance, and ran his hand through his hair.  

Justin leaned forward, “What did you do?” he asked, dreading the answer. 

JC’s eyes flickered to Justin’s briefly before he looked away. He shook his head, “I can’t, Justin. Please, leave me alone.” 

Justin placed one hand on the table and one on the back of the booth. Leaning down, he looked JC in the eyes, “What did you do?” he asked slowly. 

JC’s eyes fell to the table, and when he spoke, Justin had to strain to hear. “I told him I hated him.” 

Justin sucked his breath in between his teeth and stood upright. His eyes were fixated on JC’s face, unblinking, staring at him hoping he didn’t hear what JC just said. Shaking his head, he said, “You did not. JC, tell me you did not say that to him.” 

JC saw the tears hit the table, rather than felt them roll down his face. He nodded, “I did, Justin. And then he just sort of collapsed onto the couch. And,” he looked up, “well, you saw him.” 

Justin slammed his hand on the table, “How could you, JC? How could you tell him something like that?” 

JC didn’t get a chance to answer because the door to the back room opened and Joey came out, fury in his eyes. 

“You bastard,” Joey said, pushing Justin aside, and pulling JC out of the booth. “How could you? Did you deliberately want to hurt him?” 

JC struggled to get free from Joey’s grip, but it was pointless. Joey had a hold of his upper arms and JC winced at the pain. “No,” he said. 

Joey’s eyes widened, and he ignored Chris, who was standing next to him, telling him to let JC go. “No?” he repeated. “You didn’t want to hurt him?” JC shook his head and Joey continued. “Then what the hell was that? Why would you do that? Can’t you see how much he cares for you?” Joey released him, pushing him back into the booth. “Are you fucking blind, Josh?” 

JC shrank back, putting distance between himself and Joey. He was actually afraid, he had never seen Joey this angry. He looked between Joey, Chris and Justin, each with expressions of various degrees of anger and disapproval. He felt his resolve shatter and he began to cry.  

Justin cracked first and sat next to JC. “Please, JC, talk to us. Help us understand.” 

Chris finally spoke, his voice bitter, “I think we understand, Justin.” 

JC looked up, anger in his eyes, “You don’t understand, Chris, so don’t act like you do.” 

Chris sat across from him, “Make me understand, then, JC. Make me see why you’re being such an asshole to your best friend.” His eyes bored into JC’s, “Make me understand why you felt the need to hurt him.” 

JC shook his head, “No. I can’t talk about this right now.” 

Joey snorted in anger and walked out of the room, saying he was going to check on Lance. JC watched him go, wanting to get up and chase him, tell him that he didn’t mean it, that he was just confused, he really didn’t hate Lance. 

Chris leaned forward, “here’s the deal, JC, so listen up. We have one more show tonight before we get a few days off in Orlando. You have until the end of our little vacation to make things right.” 

“Or else what?” JC asked. 

Chris shook his head, “Or else I let Joey take a shot at your sorry ass. And trust me on this one, JC, he’s angry enough to kill you.” Chris slid out of the booth and went in the direction of the bunks. 

Justin stared at JC. “Please, JC, can we talk about this?” 

JC shook his head and pushed Justin out of the booth. “No. I can’t, Justin. Maybe tomorrow.”

JC stood up and walked to his bunk, climbing in and shutting the curtain. He turned the small light on overhead, illuminating the bunk. Clasping his hands behind his head, he stared at the top of the bunk. He heard movement beyond his curtain, and knew the others were going to sleep. He strained his ears to hear the curtains being pulled open and shut, and when he only heard two, he wondered who was still up.  

Turning his attention back to the ceiling of his own private space, he waited until he thought the others were asleep before he allowed his tears to fall. Well, he did it. He succeeded in pushing Lance away, and this time maybe for good. What possessed him to tell Lance that he hated him? It wasn’t true. 

Okay, it was partly true. JC was pretty sure it wasn’t hate, but he did feel some kind of resentment towards the younger man. He was perfectly happy with his life before Lance decided he was gay. He was perfectly happy being Lance’s best friend, being Bobbi’s boyfriend, being the serious one, being one fifths of *NSYNC. Lance admitting he was gay went and threw a wrench into the whole deal. He was no longer Lance’s best friend, he was no longer happy with Bobbi. He became more and more reclusive, he no longer felt as if he was really a part of this group.  

So, he did hate him. He hated that Lance made him question everything he thought was true. He hated that Lance brought out these feelings that JC pushed aside, that JC didn’t want to admit to. He hated that lately one look from Lance would make him smile. He hated that listening to Lance’s voice made him want to close his eyes and listen to nothing else all day. He hated that when he tried to write songs, Lance’s face would pop into his mind, and all he was able to write was cheesy love song lyrics.  

He hated that he knew, no matter how hard he tried, he would never be happy if Lance wasn’t at his side. 

 

 

The next day was pure hell for each of the guys. The tension between Lance and JC was obvious, the others feeling the repercussions of the fight. Joey stuck by Lance’s side most of the day, trying to cheer him up, Chris pretty much ignored JC, only talking to him to remind him that he had a week to make things right. Justin stayed with JC, trying to get him to open up and talk to him, not even flinching when JC yelled at him. 

The concert didn’t go much better. JC’s vocals were flat, he wasn’t as hyper as he usually was, he went through the motions, doing the choreography that was planned, adding nothing extra to his performance.  

It was as if Lance reverted back to before the guys hit it big. He missed his mark in a few of the steps, he almost dropped Chris during his flip in I Want You Back, Space Cowboy was a total disaster, and he was horrified to hear that his voice cracked during This I Promise You.  

He stood on the platform, waving to the fans, and tried not to look at JC at all. But his resolve wasn’t strong enough. As he was turning away from the left side of the arena, he turned the wrong way and caught JC’s frame as he sang. It was during the bridge and JC was looking right at him as he sang the words to the crowd. 

“Without you in my life, I just wouldn’t be living at all.” 

That was when he cracked. His harmony was shot to hell as JC sang to him.  

And then it was over. Justin was telling the crowd to wave their hands, and JC turned back to the crowd, smiling at someone in the audience. Lance shook his head, telling himself that it didn’t happen, JC wasn’t singing to him, that was ridiculous. JC hated him. He said so himself. 

That didn’t stop the smile that came across his face. 

 

 

 

JEALOUSY IS ALL THE FUN YOU THINK THEY HAD. 

*ERICA JONG  

CHAPTER TWENTY - JEALOUS 

“Do you think something’s going on between Joey and Lance?” 

Chips flew out of Justin’s mouth as he choked on them. Coughing, he turned to JC, “What?” he asked when he could talk.  

JC shrugged, “It’s just, they’ve been spending a lot of time together lately. And now,” JC motioned to the hallway, “Lance is getting ready to go out with him.” 

Justin took a long swallow of his soda as he studied JC. The two of them were watching TV at Justin’s house, deciding they didn’t want to go out on their first night home. Chris was out with Dani, and Joey was going to be arriving in a few minutes to pick up Lance. “JC, they’re just going to a club. We were invited,” he pointed out. “Besides, Joey’s straight.” He turned back to the television and began chewing on chips again. 

“Sometimes I wonder about that,” JC said absently, causing Justin to spit his chips out again. 

“Dammit, JC!” Justin said, “don’t talk to me when I’m eating.” He threw the bag of chips on the coffee table in disgust. “Joey is not gay. What the hell would make you think that?” 

JC shrugged, “I don’t know. I mean, he is spending more time than usual with Lance. Maybe he’s realizing something.” JC picked at the tab of his soda can as he spoke, keeping his eyes downcast.  

Justin looked at him sideways, and a smirk appeared on his face. “Maybe he is, then,” Justin said innocently. “Good for him.” 

JC whipped his gaze to Justin. “You approve of that?” His heart was beating rapidly. He didn’t actually believe it until Justin just admitted maybe it could be true. He thought he was just jealous of the time Joey spent with Lance, jealous that he fucked everything up, and now Joey took his place in Lance’s life.  

Justin shrugged, biting the inside of his lip to keep from smiling. “Sure, why not? Lance needs someone, don’t you think?” 

“But Joey?” 

“What’s wrong with Joey? He’d be good for Lance.” Justin flipped through the channels on the television as JC stood up and began to pace. 

“Nothing’s wrong with Joey, exactly,” JC said. “It’s just, he’s a little wild for Lance, I don’t think he’d be the most faithful boyfriend in the world, and well, he just doesn’t seem Lance’s type.” 

Justin grinned at the TV, “Don’t worry, JC,” he said, “I was just kidding, I don’t think anything is going on with the two of them.” He looked up slyly, “He still loves you, don’t worry.” 

JC breathed a sigh of relief, “Good.” Realizing what he just said, his eyes grew wide and he turned to Justin. “I mean…” 

Justin grinned, “I know what you mean, JC, don’t worry.” He turned off the television, “You want to talk about it?” 

JC turned away, “Nothing to talk about, Justin. I’m just glad that Lance isn’t with Joey, that’s all.” 

Justin sighed, “Look, JC, why are you doing this to yourself? Why can’t you just admit to everyone that you feel something towards Lance? God, don’t you think we’re all waiting for you to do it? Don’t you think that we want this to be over?” 

“What are you talking about?” JC asked him, turning to face him. “What do you mean, you’ve all been waiting?” 

Justin picked up the bag of chips, “Me, Chris, and Joey,” he clarified, “We figured things out that night we locked you two in the back of the bus. We were hoping you’d admit to it and all this bullshit would be over. You and Lance would at least be friends again, and this tension that has been between you would be gone.” He rolled his eyes, “But, no, you had to go and tell him you hated him. Way to go, JC,” Justin said, giving him a sarcastic thumbs up. 

JC stared at him, unable to form a coherent sentence. He just stared as Justin calmly looked back and ate his potato chips. Thoughts were flooding his brain. How did they know? Was he that obvious? And why didn’t they say anything to him before? Did Lance know? 

Justin shook his head at JC, “Lance doesn’t know, if you’re wondering,” he said, reading JC’s thoughts. “You really killed him, JC. I don’t think he even allows himself to think about you.” He cocked his head and spoke softly, “Why did you do it? Why did you tell him that?” 

JC sighed and sank onto the couch next to Justin, resting his head on the back of it. “I don’t know,” he replied. “There we were, you know, and he was laying his heart on the line, and I remember thinking, this is why he told Joey? This was his reason for not telling me? And then he was talking about he wished Joey never found out, how he wished Joey would never have forced him to talk about his feelings.” JC shook his head against the cushions, “And I began to get pissed. Because if Lance never told Joey how he felt, then Joey wouldn’t have told us about Lance, and then I wouldn’t be having these feelings towards another man.” He closed his eyes, “So, I said the one thing that would hurt him the most.” He opened his eyes and raised his head off the couch to look at Justin, “I didn’t mean it. I mean, I did, but I didn’t. I hate that he’s so strong when it comes to this, and I’m not. I hate that he can admit to things and I can’t.” 

Justin shook his head in confusion, “Why didn’t you take it back, JC? Why are you still letting him think you hate him?” He motioned to the hallway, “This is killing him.” 

“I don’t know how to make things right, Justin,” JC said. He stood up again and faced the hallway, “I go over in my head things that I want to say to him,” his eyes were faraway, as if he could see Lance through the walls, through the door that he stood behind, “and when I see him, when I have the chance, I wimp out.” He hung his head, “I don’t know if I could take him turning away from me.” 

“Like you did to him?” Justin asked softly. 

“Yeah,” he replied thickly, “like I did to him.” 

Justin watched JC’s back for a minute and didn’t say anything. In all honesty, he didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t meant to bring up JC’s feelings towards Lance, he knew JC liked to keep things to himself, but when JC started getting all jealous of Lance and Joey’s relationship, he couldn’t help himself. So now here he was, staring at JC, JC staring at the direction of Lance’s room, and neither one of them knew what to say. 

Justin cleared his throat, “Look, JC, I’m no expert on gay people,” JC smiled at that, “But Joey says that Lance really has it bad for you.” 

JC turned, “He said that?” he asked, a little too eagerly. 

Justin smirked, “Yeah, he did.” He laughed as a dopey smile crossed JC’s face. “God, JC, just go talk to him!” He stood and pushed JC towards the hallway. “He’s in your old room.”  

Lance was staying with Justin the few days they were home because his house was being exterminated, and he couldn’t be around the fumes. Since JC had moved out, there was the extra bedroom open. JC walked down the familiar hallway, stopping outside his old room. He ran his hand over the small holes in the door, remembering the sign Justin had put there the day he moved in. It had read, ‘Josh’s room.’ 

He took a deep breath, and knocked quietly.  

“Come on in, Joey,” Lance called, “I’m almost ready.” 

Not bothering to correct Lance on who it was, JC pushed open the door. Lance was in the bathroom connected to the room, rubbing gel onto his hair. JC stared at him through the doorway, not hearing anything Lance was saying to him. 

“Just have a seat, Joe,” Lance said, studying himself in the mirror, “I just have to quick blow-dry my hair.” He picked up the white hair dryer and turned it on, quickly drying his hair. 

JC panicked. He couldn’t do this; he couldn’t talk to Lance. He watched him turn off the hair dryer and push a stray piece of hair off his forehead. JC bit his lip in nervousness and moved to sit on the bed. He clasped his hands between his knees and studied the floor, giving himself a mental pep talk. He heard Lance shut off the light and looked up as he walked in the room. 

Lance tugged at the cuff of his black silk shirt, “God, Joey, you’re awfully quiet,” he started. He looked up and his voice trailed off when he saw JC sitting on his bed. “What do you want?” he asked quietly, his voice like ice. 

“Lance, I…” JC started. 

Lance shook his head, “No, I don’t have time for this, and I really am not in the mood for you right now.” He moved around the bed to where his suitcase lay open. He reached down and picked up his cologne, spritzing himself with it. 

JC took a deep breath. “Where are you going?” 

Lance shrugged, not answering him, his attention on the clothes in his bag. 

“You look nice,” JC offered. “Although, I don’t really like you in black, it makes you look too pale. You should wear white.”  

Lance stopped his motions and looked up at JC, incredulous. “Really?” he asked spitefully. “I’ll keep that in mind, thanks.” 

JC turned away and cursed under his breath. This was so not going the way he wanted it to. Why in the hell was he telling Lance what to wear? He turned back to Lance to see him unbuttoning his shirt, “Look, Lance, I’m...” 

Lance cut him off a second time. “You know, JC, you ignore me for weeks, and then when we finally have to talk to each other, I spill my heart out to you,” he angrily finished unbuttoning his shirt and pulled it off his body, exposing a white wife beater underneath. Throwing the shirt in his suitcase, he continued, “And what do I get for my trouble? You tell me you hate me. And yet, you’re sitting in my room, telling me what the hell to wear! God, can’t you just leave me alone? Don’t you think you’ve played with my mind enough?” He took out a white long sleeve shirt from his bag and pulled it over his head. “I can’t deal with you anymore, JC, I just can’t.” He shook his head and walked towards the door, closing it behind him as he left. 

JC sat staring at the door in amazement. A slow smile spread across his face as he realized what just happened. 

Lance had changed his shirt.  

 

 

 

THE LESS WE KNOW, THE MORE WE SUSPECT. 

*H. W. SHAW 

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE - FAMILIARITY 

Lance dropped his head into his hands and took a deep breath. Why was he letting JC get to him? Why was he sitting in this booth in this nameless club thinking of JC when he could be on the dance floor having a good time? Why was he going over every little detail of JC in his mind when he could be getting drunk? Why was he letting JC get to him? 

Because you love him, that’s why. Lance closed his eyes against his palms and shook his head. He knew it was true. No matter how much he tried to tell himself that he was hurt for the last time by Joshua Chasez, he knew he had not fallen out of love with him. He had not forgotten the smell of him, the sight of him, the sound of him. As much as he tried to push him out of his mind, his lithe frame somehow came creeping back in, settling at the forefront, begging to be thought about. 

He took his head out of his hands long enough to glance at his watch and scan the floor for Joey. Seeing him in the center of the floor, women at his side, Lance grinned. At least Joey was having fun. At least Joey wasn’t hung up on someone who hated him. 

That’s right, Lance told himself, Joey’s not a loser like me. Joey wouldn’t let someone hurt him like JC has hurt me. Joey wouldn’t continuously set himself up for heartache by stealing glances, by pretending to be asleep so he could watch from under his eyelashes, to screw up in sound check just to hear someone’s voice again. Joey wouldn’t do all that, Joey would just move on. 

Maybe that’s what I should do, he thought. Move on. His green eyes scanned the room, seeing several nice looking men. Pausing briefly at each one, he sized them up. Too bulky, too short, too light, too dark, too blond. Not skinny enough, not lanky enough, not chiseled enough. 

Not JC. 

Lance sighed again, his head finding its way back to his hands. Pathetic. He was pathetic. He was flat out told by JC that he hated him. There was no reading it the wrong way, there was no maybe I heard it wrong. It was plain as day, “I hate you.” That’s what he said, “I hate you.” Lance knew because he replayed the scene a million times in his mind, hoping there was something he missed. Some little gesture, some little body language that would contradict the words that came out of JC’s mouth. Like maybe he was actually smiling when he said it, maybe he said it lovingly, maybe he had his damn fingers crossed, because then, it would automatically be a lie. 

He felt the booth shift under him and he knew Joey had returned to the table. Peering at him through his fingers, he spoke. “What’s up, Joey?” 

Joey took a long swallow from a bottle. He lowered the bottle, shaking his head. “Not much. Man, this place is jumping tonight.” He looked at Lance sideways, “So, this looks familiar.” 

Lance lowered his hands, “Okay, I’ll bite. What looks familiar?”

 

Joey motioned around him. “This. The club, the brooding in the booth. All we’re missing is JC and Bobbi doing it on the dance floor.” Lance scowled at him and picked up his bottle. Joey grinned, “So, can’t get him out of your mind, can you?” 

Lance slammed the almost full bottle on the table, causing some of the liquor inside to escape the top. Absently wiping the side of the bottle, he spoke to Joey. “No, I can’t. And did I tell you what the bastard did to me tonight?” He didn’t wait for Joey’s answer, “He came into my room, and tried talking to me.” 

Joey shrugged, “So? What did he say?” 

“Nothing! I didn’t let him talk,” Lance sat back, awfully proud of himself. “I cut him off. God, Joey, I don’t need his shit anymore! But that’s not the best part.” 

“Oh, please tell me,” Joey deadpanned. 

Lance ignored his tone of voice. “The best part is that he started telling me I shouldn’t wear black, that it makes me look too pale! He told me I should wear white.” 

Joey was confused, “But, Lance, you’re not wearing black, why would he say that to you?” 

Lance glanced down sheepishly, “I was wearing black. But that’s not the point. The point is that he tells me he hates me like two days ago, and now he’s telling me what to wear?” 

Joey grinned, “Let me get this straight. JC tells you not to wear black, so you changed, and you think that’s not the point?” 

Lance rolled his eyes, “Joey, move on from the shirt, would you?” 

Joey laughed, “No. Come on, Lance. You are so whipped and you’re not even dating him!” 

Lance scowled again and began to stand up from the booth. “Forget it,” he muttered. “I’m going home.” 

Joey stood and grabbed Lance’s arm. “Wait, I’m sorry. Look, sit down.” He sat back down and waited for Lance to do the same. He watched Lance expectantly, knowing he was thinking of what he wanted to say. 

“Why would he tell me he hates me, Joe?” Lance toyed with the napkin on the table, pulling it into little balls and rubbing them between his fingers. “How could he hate me? We’ve been friends for so long, I hardly remember what it’s like without him.” He sighed, “And then this. Then I have to go and fall in love with him, and he has to be straight…” his voice trailed off. After a minute of silence, he looked up at Joey. “And there’s these moments, Joey, these moments when I actually forget everything that he said to me, forget that he said he hated me, and I think there may be a chance for us. I think that maybe JC might like me like that, too.” The corner of his mouth twisted up into a sad smile. “Stupid, right?” 

Joey wanted to tell Lance that it wasn’t stupid. He wanted to tell him that he, Chris, and Justin thought the same thing. He wanted to tell him lies, he wanted to tell him that he knew for a fact that JC was in love with him, too, that JC wanted the same things he did. But he couldn’t. After being so sure that JC had feelings for Lance, even Joey was beginning to doubt himself. Locking them together in a room sure as hell didn’t help anything, in fact, it made things worse. 

But there were little things. Like how Lance thought JC was singing to him during their concert. Like how JC was even moodier than before around Lance. Like how JC was telling Lance what to wear. Like how it seemed that JC was reaching out to Lance. 

Joey leaned forward, resting his arms on the table. “I don’t think it’s stupid, Lance,” he told him. “I see what you mean, actually.” Lance turned his green eyes on Joey and Joey grinned. “Why do you think we locked you guys in that room? It wasn’t so he could hurt you, Lance. We thought that JC just might return your feelings, and that locking you two up was a push in that direction.” 

Lance snorted, “It was a push, alright, just not the way we wanted him to go.” 

Joey sat back, “I know, and I was wrong. But I still think there may be something there. I don’t think he hates you, Lance.” 

“Then why hasn’t he apologized, Joey?” Lance exploded, “Why hasn’t he taken it back?” 

“Maybe because you kept interrupting him,” Joey said softly. 

Lance sat back, and blew his breath out harshly. He mulled over what Joey had said, and regret began to overtake his features. “Oh my God,” he breathed, “do you really think that’s why he came to my room tonight?” 

Joey shrugged, “You have a better explanation?” 

Lance banged his head on the table, “I am so stupid!” He looked up at Joey, “If I would have only listened to him instead of going on about how I didn’t need his shit anymore.” He shook his head, “I should have listened to him.” 

Joey lifted one shoulder in response. “Well, you partly listened to him.” Lance cocked an eyebrow at him and he grinned as he lifted his beer to his lips, “You changed your shirt.” 

 

 

 

ONE PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS. 

*FRED R. BARNARD 

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO - MOVING PICTURES 

Lance pushed Justin out the door, “Will you just go? I’ll be fine.” 

Justin hiked his backpack up on his shoulders and turned around, concern in his eyes. “Are you sure you don’t mind? Cause if you do…” 

Lance rolled his eyes, “Justin, I’m a big boy, I think I’ll be okay.” 

Justin bit his lip, “If you’re sure.” 

“I’m sure.” He gave him another push, “Now, go.” 

Justin grinned and ran down the walk to his car. “See ya!”  

Lance watched him get in the car and wave before driving away. He turned and walked back into the house, sighing as he shut the door behind him. He leaned against the door and closed his eyes. He considered calling Joey, but remembered that he was visiting family today. Chris was taking care of Fu Man Skeeto stuff, and JC, well, he was out of the question. Justin was going away overnight with Britney before she left for her tour, and his mom was on tour with her group, Innosense, so that left Lance alone in the house. 

Moving away from the door, Lance walked to the kitchen. He decided that he was just going to make some popcorn, pop in a video, and veg for the rest of the night. There were only two days left before they had to go back out on the road, and Lance didn’t want to even think about anything that had to do with *NSYNC. 

As the popcorn popped in the microwave, Lance wandered into the family room. He stood in front of the videos Justin had neatly arranged on the shelves. He scanned the titles, making a face, nothing was appealing to him. He wasn’t in the mood for a comedy, none of the action titles were grabbing his attention, and he sure as hell didn’t want to watch a romance. 

Turning away from the wall of videos, he opened a cabinet where Lynn stored her movies. Lance tilted his head, reading the movies, and smiled. Yeah, like he wanted to watch Gone With The Wind. He was about to turn away and just watch Clue again when something caught his eye. Lined up neatly on the last shelf were videos that Lynn recorded from the television. He crouched down and read the spines. Justin – MMC.  

Lance grinned, Lynn had every episode of the Mickey Mouse Club on video. As he moved his eyes to the right, he began seeing *NSYNC written on the sides of them. Reaching into the cabinet, he randomly selected a MMC video. Setting it on top of the VCR, he went back into the kitchen to get his popcorn. 

As he stepped into the room, he wrinkled his nose. He had been gone too long, and the popcorn had burned. Opening the door of the microwave, he caught of whiff of the burned kernels and didn’t even bother to open the bag, just depositing it in the garbage. Not bothering to make another bag, Lance just grabbed a soda from the refrigerator and went back into the family room. 

He put the tape in the VCR and picked up the remote, settling onto the sofa in front of the television. Setting his soda on the coffee table, he lie down on the couch, a throw pillow under his head. Aiming the remote at the TV, he pressed play. 

Lance grinned as the opening credits flashed on the screen. They all looked so young. And then JC came on, his brown hair flopping into his eye. Lance smiled at his image and forced himself not to think about his little problem. 

He fast-forwarded through the first video, not seeing JC or Justin in it. Stopping the tape at the first skit, he was rewarded with JC dressed as a Boy Scout or something standing behind a table. Justin was one of four other boys watching him. Lance grinned as he watched JC on the screen, telling the kids they were going to make a birdhouse. He laughed as JC hit his head on the countertop, stuck his hand in glue, hammered his finger, and fell on his ass. He was such a dork. 

“I’m in love with a dork,” Lance muttered. The skit ended and the minor soap opera Emerald Cove began. Lance kept it on, knowing JC was here somewhere. He smiled as he came on the screen, his hair long and in his face, his features not quite as chiseled as they were now, but his smile still the same. Lance noticed how JC never really grew out of his character, saying “Dude” an awful lot to this day. 

He sighed as he moved on the couch. This was beginning to turn into a bad idea. He had only wanted to watch Justin, laugh at how different he looked, check out Christina and Britney, seeing if he was right in remembering that they were actually kind of plain back then. He couldn’t say he forgot JC was on the show, that would be a lie; he just didn’t realize the tape he pulled would have so much of him. 

Then his eyes were drawn to the screen one last time. JC and Tony were sitting on stools in the center of the audience, Tony strumming a guitar. JC was in a suit that hung on his slim frame, “Didn’t their stylists see that it didn’t fit?” he muttered.  

All thoughts left his mind as JC opened his mouth to sing. With only the guitar as an accompiant, JC’s voice rang through the speakers unaffected. If Lance closed his eyes, he could hear the emotion in his voice, he could hear that it wasn’t quite as polished as it was now, he could hear the true beauty in the words. Lance felt tears behind his eyes as he watched JC. His eyes closed as he reached for a note, singing Richard Marx as Lance had never heard it before. The tears began to roll down his cheeks as JC sang, Lance crying for what he lost. 

He never should have told him. He never should have told JC his feelings, he should have kept it a secret. Then they’d still be talking, they’d still be friends, and Lance wouldn’t be lying here on Justin’s couch, crying over something he would never have. 

Pressing stop on the remote, Lance dropped it to the floor as the blue screen of the television lit the room. He gulped in breaths of air, trying to fill his lungs, trying to stop the tears that fell down his face, trying to stop the sobs that racked his body. He pulled his knees to his chest, and closed his eyes, forcing his breathing to become normal again. 

He finally caught his breath and stared at the blank blue screen of the TV, thoughts of JC swimming in his mind, until his eyes dropped shut and he fell asleep. 

 

 

 

 

JC knocked on the door of Justin’s house. He leaned against the railing of the porch, waiting for someone to answer the door. After a minute, he knocked again, looking in the windows on either side of the door for signs of life. He sighed and fished his keys out of his pocket, looking through them for Justin’s house key. He had never given it back when he moved out, and now he was thankful. He had left his notebook of songs here and he really needed it, a melody had been floating in his head all day, and he needed to get it down. 

Pushing open the door, JC yelled, “Hey Justin! You home?” Not hearing an answer, JC closed the door behind him. Wondering briefly where Justin was, he walked through the house and into the kitchen. He made a face as the smell of burned popcorn hit his nose and he grinned to himself. Justin always burned his popcorn.  

Not seeing his notebook on the kitchen table where he thought he left it, JC moved through the house, stopping at each room. Glancing into the family room, he was surprised to see the television on.  

“That’s weird,” he muttered, stepping into the room. The blue of the screen was the only light, and as he moved to turn the TV off, he caught sight of the figure on the couch. Forgetting about the TV, JC moved to the couch, sitting on the edge of the coffee table to look at the sleeping figure. 

Lance had his knees pulled up to his chest, one arm wrapped around them, the other under his cheek. JC watched his chest rise and fall as he gently breathed. Moving his gaze to Lance’s face, he smiled as he saw his mouth open slightly. JC was surprised to see tear stains on his cheeks, and he reached out a hand, gently brushing it along Lance’s cheek. He moved his hand to Lance’s forehead and through his hair, smiling at Lance when he involuntarily leaned into JC’s touch. 

“JC,” he murmured quietly, and JC’s hand froze. He looked down at Lance to see that he didn’t wake up, his eyes were still shut. Lance sighed in his sleep and rolled on his back. JC grinned at Lance’s hair, pressed flat on the side that was against the pillow. He ran his fingers through it, making it stand up again, giving Lance his bed-head look even while asleep.  

Removing his hand, JC once again studied Lance’s face. He wondered what Lance had been watching to make him cry, smiling gently, figuring it was a sappy romance movie, Lance always seemed to cry at them. He picked up the remote from the floor and partially turned his body to see the TV. 

He pressed play, giving Lance another glance before looking up at the TV. He was surprised to see his own face fill the screen. 

He was sitting on a stool, singing Now And Forever, Tony at his side. His brow wrinkled in confusion. Lance was watching the Mickey Mouse Club? What he watching that for? And why was he crying? 

JC’s breath left his body as he watched his younger self sing. Lance was crying over him. The tape had been stopped half way through his performance, the remote carelessly dropped on the floor. JC stared wide-eyed at the TV, not able to turn it off, not able to do anything but stare. As the song ended, JC came out of his stupor and turned it off. He slowly looked back at Lance, biting his own lip to stop tears from falling. His eyes raked over Lance’s sleeping form again, taking in the tear tracks that he somehow caused. 

He reached his hand out and touched Lance’s face. “I will make this right, Lance. I promise.” 

Lance continued to sleep. 

 

 

 

AN APOLOGY IS THE SUPERGLUE OF LIFE. IT CAN REPAIR JUST ABOUT ANYTHING. 

*LYNN JOHNSTON 

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE - APOLOGIES 

Lance slowly awakened with the feeling of being watched. He squinted through half-closed lids, not wanting to completely come out of his slumber. There was no light in the room, darkness shrouded every corner. Opening his eyes fully, he waited for them to adjust before looking around the room, trying to find the source of his discomfort. 

In the chair catty-corned to the couch sat a man. His posture was slumped, defeated, his chin resting on one hand that was propped up on the arm of the chair. One leg was on the other, the ankle resting on the knee. Lance couldn’t see his face through the shadows, but he knew blue eyes watched him, unwavering in their stare. 

He slowly sat up, his eyes not leaving the man, and swung his legs off the couch, resting his feet on the floor in front of him. He finally broke visual contact with the man and looked at his hands, clasping them in front of him, resting them on his knees. A million questions ran through his sleep-ridden mind. Why was he here? Why was he just sitting there, watching Lance while he slept? Why didn’t he say anything? 

Lance waited patiently, rubbing his eyes, not wanting to look up, not wanting to look at him. Nothing in his life was ever harder than sitting here, across from him, and not saying a word. His heart beat excellerated as he waited, beginning to feel uncomfortable under his unwavering glare. 

He finally spoke. Lance strained to hear him, his voice was so soft in the blackness.  

“I’m sorry.” 

That was it. That was all he said. Lance looked back down at the floor and shook his head. He was sorry. Great. Lance was surprised to find he didn’t care. Sorry wasn’t going to cut it, sorry wasn’t going to make it okay this time. He still didn’t speak, and JC leaned forward in his chair. 

“Lance, I’m sorry.” 

Lance nodded. 

“Please, talk to me.” 

Lance raised his head and met his eyes. His eyes had adjusted now, and he could see JC clearly, he could see the blue depths of his soul. “Fuck you, JC.” 

JC shrunk back from the malice in Lance’s words. Lance almost smiled, he was obviously not expecting that. 

JC let out a breath. “Okay, I guess I deserved that.” He swallowed and looked back at Lance. “I’m still sorry.” 

Lance cocked his head, “You keep saying that, JC. Do you even mean it? Do you even know what you’re apologizing for? Or are you just telling me that to make me feel better? Because if you are, it isn’t working. I still feel like shit.” 

“I mean it, Lance.” Lance snorted and JC continued, his voice still soft, “I really do. I can’t take this anymore, Lance. I can’t take us not talking, not even looking at each other.” 

“You can’t take it?” Lance exploded, “You’ve only been dealing with it for what, a week? How do you think I feel, JC?” 

JC moved off the chair, kneeling in front of Lance. “I know, Lance, I do. And I don’t know how you did it, I don’t know how you were strong enough to put up with my shit.” Lance refused to look at him, but JC wasn’t deterred. “I know how I’ve been acting, and I’m an asshole, I admit that. But, please, Lance, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t go on without you talking to me.” 

“You’re just realizing this now, JC?” 

JC dropped his head, not meeting Lance’s eyes. “I know. But before…look, this is going to sound dumb, but before, it was me not talking to you. I had my reasons, not that they were very good reasons, but they were mine, nonetheless. And now, it’s you not talking to me. I reach out and you push me away, I come to you, and you turn the other cheek.” 

“You told me you hated me, JC,” Lance said evenly. “What did you expect me to do?” 

JC didn’t know what to say. He shrugged, “I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “I guess I would have done the same thing.” He moved closer to Lance and rested a hand on his knee. He noticed that Lance closed his eyes at his touch, but didn’t move away. “I didn’t mean it,” he said softly, “you have to believe me, I didn’t mean it.” 

Lance bit his lip, he wanted to believe him so badly. He wanted to take JC’s hand that was on his knee, intertwine their fingers and tell him everything was okay. He wanted to look into JC’s eyes, pull him close and kiss him. He wanted to do so much, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t erase the memory of JC’s words from his mind. 

He stood, brushing off JC’s hand and walked to the window. It was dark outside, the streetlights and moonlight intermixing to give off a glow. A car drove past the house and Lance followed it with his eyes, watching the taillights until they were no more. He felt, rather than heard, JC move next to him. 

Lance began to speak, his words soft, his voice deep with emotion. “You have no idea, JC, you have no idea what your words did to me. You turned your back on me that night for the second time,” he turned to look at him, “I’m not going to let you do that to me again. I can’t take that again.” 

JC held his gaze, “I don’t want to. I want to be here.” His eyes searched Lance’s. “I want to be with you,” he said.  

Lance knew the surprise was reflected in his eyes. He knew he couldn’t keep the shock off his face, he couldn’t hide anything from JC. He saw the corners of JC’s mouth twitch into a small smile, and he knew JC saw every emotion that ran across his face. 

Lance shook his head, “No you don’t.” 

It was JC’s turn for surprise. He took a step back, “What?” 

“You don’t want to be with me, JC. Look, you’re upset, you don’t know what you’re saying.” 

JC grabbed his arm as he began to walk away. “Lance, I know what I’m saying!” 

Lance turned on him, “How could you, JC? Just a few weeks ago, you had Bobbi, you had a girlfriend! When did you become gay, huh? When did you agonize over this, when did you think that you just might have feelings for another guy? Because I didn’t see it, JC! I went through it, and I know how it is, and I didn’t see it in you!” 

“Why do you think me and Bobbi broke up, Lance? It was because of you.” 

“What are you talking about, JC? We weren’t even talking when you and her broke up,” Lance sat on the couch, needing to put some space between them. JC followed and resumed his position of kneeling in front of Lance on the floor, and Lance groaned. 

“She broke up with me because she saw through me. She saw I had feelings for you, she saw that I wasn’t myself.” Lance shook his head, and JC told him everything. “Do you remember that interview, Lance, when you said you would be me?” Lance rolled his eyes and nodded, “That night, I was telling Bobbi about my day, and all I could talk about was you.” Lance lifted his head and met JC’s eyes. “She flipped out, Lance, yelling at me, telling me to just shut the hell up about you. She saw through me, Lance, she saw things that I didn’t even want to see. She left me that night.” 

Lance could see the pain in JC’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” he said, meaning it. 

JC shook his head, “Don’t be, Lance. It’s what I wanted. I may have been too pig headed and stubborn to admit it, but I didn’t want to be with her, I didn’t want her in my life anymore. I wanted you, she just made me see that.” 

Lance felt his resolve beginning to crack. “Then why…” he couldn’t finish, he hated to think about that night on the bus. 

JC shrugged, “I did hate you, Lance, I still do.” Lance flinched and JC put his hand on his knee. “It’s not what you think. I hate you for being strong, I hate you for being able to admit to something that will change your life, I hate you for being able to tell me what you really feel, because I can’t do that. It’s taking everything I have not to run from this room because I’m scared.” Lance saw tears escape JC’s eyes as he spoke. “It took everything for me to sit in that chair until you woke up and not turn away from you again. It took everything for me to look at you while you slept, to know you cried while watching a tape of me, to know that you have all these feelings that you can admit to.” His eyes dropped from Lance’s. He raised them, once again meeting Lance’s gaze, his voice quiet. “It’s taking everything I have to kneel here in front of you and finally say the things I’ve wanted to say.” 

Lance held his breath, “And what’s that?” 

JC didn’t answer right away. His eyes roamed over Lance’s face, he saw the new wetness behind Lance’s eyes, he saw the way he held his breath, his eyes took in the way Lance had his fists clenched in his lap. JC slowly moved his hand from Lance’s knee, tentatively reaching out and touching Lance’s clenched fists. He heard Lance catch his breath, he looked up to see Lance’s gaze focused on his hands. JC gently unclenched Lance’s hands, taking them in his own, rubbing the back of his hand with his thumb. He ran his gaze up Lance’s chest, over his neck, watched his Adam’s Apple bob up and down, moved his gaze up to his lips, the bottom lip caught between his teeth, over his nose and finally to his eyes. His beautiful, green, tear-filled eyes that was watching him with such fear, such love, such God dammed hope that JC once again said three words that would change his life.  

“I love you.” 

This time he said the right words. 

 

 

 

IN TRUE LOVE THE SMALLEST DISTANCE IS TOO GREAT, AND THE GREATEST DISTANCE CAN BE BRIDGED. 

*HANS NOUWENS 

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR - BRIDGES CROSSED  

The words hung in the air between them.  

Lance caught his breath and stared at JC. He stared at him, trying to decide if he was serious, if he really did love him, if he really did mean what he said, or if he was just going to walk out that door again.  

JC held Lance’s gaze, not wanting to look away, not wanting to break the simple gesture of eye contact. He put everything he had into that gaze, hoping Lance could see, could feel, the love that JC finally discovered. The love that JC could finally admit to. 

“Say it again,” Lance whispered. 

JC smiled softly and squeezed Lance’s hands. “I love you.” 

Lance felt tears fill his eyes as he watched JC’s lips form the words. This was it. This is what he had been waiting for. His eyes moved back to JC’s, noticing the way they were squinted shut slightly, the way the corners crinkled up, both a result of the smile he was unable to keep off his face. Lance saw tears leave JC’s eyes, leaking from the corners and running over his chiseled features. He followed the path of a tear as it dripped off JC’s chin and fell onto their hands. He watched as JC unconsciously moved his thumb over the tear, rubbing it into Lance’s skin, and continuing to move his thumb over the skin in an circular pattern long after the tear was gone. 

Lance took his hands from JC’s, immediately missing the warmth they provided. He slowly raised his hands to JC’s face, cupping it between them, wiping his own thumbs over JC’s cheeks. JC closed his eyes and drew in a shaky breath, leaning into Lance’s touch. 

“Josh,” Lance said softly, and JC opened his eyes. “Tell me you mean it. Tell me that I’m not going to give you everything I have just for you to walk out the door again. Tell me that you’re not ever going to hurt me like you did. Tell me that you’re not going to get scared when the going gets tough and leave me.” He closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath. When he opened them again, he looked JC right in the eyes. “Tell me you love me like I love you.” 

Lance could see the slight hesitation in JC’s eyes, and he felt his spirits fall. This wasn’t going to work. He was just going to get hurt again, JC was going to tell him that he really didn’t love him that much, he just thought he did. JC was going to say that it was too much, he needed more time, maybe he was just jumping to conclusions. Lance began to pull his hands away, away from JC, away from the contact. 

JC saw the hope leave Lance’s eyes, he felt him start to pull away. He jerked his hands up, stopping Lance’s motion, moving his hands back to his face. 

“No, Lance, I’m not hesitating because I don’t love you, please believe me.” He could tell from the look in his eyes that Lance didn’t believe a word he said. “Please, Lance,” he groaned in frustration and looked at the ground. When he looked up again, his eyes were sincere, all traces of hesitation gone. “I wasn’t hesitating because I don’t love you. I was hesitating because I’m scared I’m going to let you down again. I’m scared that I won’t be everything you think I am, everything you want me to be.” 

Lance shook his head, “You don’t get it, JC. I don’t love the man I think you could be, I love the man you are. As long as you don’t turn your back on me again, you won’t let me down.” 

JC took Lance’s hands in his, moving them from his face. He put Lance’s hand over his heart, his own hand covering it. “I promise I won’t leave you again. I promise I won’t let you down, I won’t run when the going gets tough. I promise to make this work.” 

Lance shook his head, “I can’t believe this is actually happening.” 

JC inched closer to Lance, moving Lance’s knees so they were on either side of him. He reached out and brushed the hair above Lance’s ear, trailing his fingers behind his ear and down his neck. “Believe it,” he whispered. 

Lance looked up and caught JC’s eyes. In the darkness of the room, their eyes met, their breaths caught in their throats. Through the blackness they could make out the color of their souls, the color of their love, knowing it was reflected it the others’ eyes.  

Neither one of them knew who moved first. JC’s hand came back to Lance’s neck, Lance’s hand found JC’s free hand, squeezing it, tugging him closer. JC leaned forward the same time Lance did, meeting each other half way. Lance closed his eyes and JC took a second to scan his face, smiling slightly at the look of breathless anticipation on Lance’s relaxed features.

 

JC closed his own eyes the split second their lips met, not wanting to miss a moment of Lance. Their kiss was tentative, wary, neither one of them knowing what it was going to be like. JC was the first to lean closer, moaning softly into Lance’s mouth, pulling him closer with the hand that rested on Lance’s neck. Lance pulled JC closer, moving to the floor to kneel next to JC. 

JC licked gently at Lance’s lips, and Lance immediately responded, opening his mouth to JC’s, wrapping his arms around his neck, JC’s free hand coming up to caress Lance’s cheek. Their tongues tentatively met, the kiss slow, not building in intensity, but building in emotions. They took their time, each man knowing they had all the time in the world to take things further. 

Lance knew this was what he had been waiting for. The months of secretly desiring JC paid off. The weeks, the days, the hours of wondering what could be was finally happening. The minutes wasted while they weren’t speaking to each other were forgotten. All that mattered was that JC was here, in his arms, right where he belonged, and Lance wasn’t going to ever let him go. 

JC was amazed at the feel of Lance’s lips on his. It was as if their mouths were made for each other. He had never felt anything like Lance’s lips before, the combination of soft lips and rough skin, the slight taste of the soda Lance had been drinking, the musky scent of being so close to Lance. His past relationships with women were now a distant memory. Nothing mattered before Lance, it was as if his life was starting over again. Starting over with Lance at his side. 

And there was no place in the world he would rather start. 

 

 

 

LOVE IS NOT MEASURED BY HOW MANY TIMES YOU TOUCH EACH OTHER BUT BY HOW MANY TIMES YOU REACH EACH OTHER. 

*CATHY MORANCY 

CHAPER TWENTY-FIVE - REACHING OUT 

After the kiss, JC and Lance lie on the couch, Lance in front of JC, JC’s arms tightly around his waist. They fit perfectly together, as if their bodies were made to fit each other. JC held Lance close to him, his face in the back of his neck, each deep breath he took allowed him to breath in the scent of Lance. Lance’s hands rested on JC’s at his waist, and he traced mindless patterns on the back of his hands as they lie together in comfortable silence. 

When they got tired, neither wanted to move from the position they were in, so they just fell asleep on the couch. Sometime during the night, Lance rolled over in JC’s arms to rest his head on his chest. JC’s arms continued to wrap around Lance, as if protecting him from any harm that the world would throw at him. 

And that’s how Justin found them the next day. He had come home after seeing Britney off at the airport late in the morning. He went into the kitchen to get his bowl of cereal and planned on watching cartoons until Lance woke up. He padded into the living room and set his cereal on the coffee table as he looked for the remote. 

Turning, he stopped short at the sight of his two best friends asleep on the couch. His eyes widened and his face broke out into a smile. As he watched, Lance groaned softly in his sleep, moving closer to JC. JC tightened his hold on Lance and sighed contently. Justin was amazed they were comfortable on the couch, he always thought it was too small for two people to sleep on. Although, Lance was practically on top of JC, and JC didn’t look like he minded, so Justin decided to let it go. 

He did, however, call Joey and Chris and tell them to come over right away. 

Then he settled down on the chair, the television turned on, softly playing his cartoons, his cereal in his lap. Although he was interested in Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck, he could not help his eyes drifting over to his friends, deep in each other’s arms, and wonder if everything was finally going to be okay. 

 

 

 

Lance woke up for the second time feeling eyes on him. He knew it wasn’t JC this time, since JC was still underneath him, and judging by the way he was breathing, still asleep. Lance continued to keep his eyes closed, wondering who was watching them. 

“They look so cute,” Joey said softly. 

“Yeah,” Justin responded, “They’ve been like that all morning. I don’t know how they’re comfortable.”

 

“Especially Lance,” Chris agreed, “I would think JC would make a really bony pillow. JC should have fallen asleep on Lance.” 

Lance smiled to himself, “What are you saying, Chris, that I’m fat?” He rolled over and looked at his friends, who were sitting on the edge of the coffee table, staring at them. 

Chris shrugged, “Not fat, and hey, you’re certainly smaller than Joey,” Joey protested and pushed Chris off the edge of the table. “Hey!” He stood and rubbed his hip where it hit the floor, “I was just saying that JC’s too damn skinny to want to fall asleep on, that’s all.” 

Lance smiled, “I think he’s perfect.” 

Justin rolled his eyes as he stood, “Are we going to have to hear about how wonderful JC is? Cause, really, I think I may puke.” 

Lance grinned, “No, you won’t.” He untangled himself from JC’s arms and sat on the edge of the sofa. JC sighed and reached out in his sleep. Lance smiled at him and took his outstretched hand before turning to his friends. 

Joey watched JC. “Look at that, one night and he’s already reaching for you,” he met Lance’s eyes, “Told you everything would work out.” 

Lance laughed, “Yeah right, Joe. It took a lot for us to finally get to last night.” 

Chris cocked his head, “So, what happened?” 

Lance looked down at JC and smiled, “I don’t know, exactly. I was watching TV when I fell asleep, and JC was here when I got up. I don’t know why he came over, I didn’t ask.” 

“What did he say?” 

Lance turned to Justin as he asked his question, a small smile on his face. “He basically told me he was sorry for being an asshole, and that he knew what he did was wrong, but he had his reasons.” 

“They better have been, good, Lance,” Chris told him, “because he treated you like shit.” 

Lance nodded, “Look, guys, we talked about it last night, we argued, we got it out in the open, and I don’t really want to rehash it with you. I forgave him, he was confused, he was afraid of what he was feeling, and I know how he felt, okay? And I don’t want any of you treating him any differently because of what he did. It’s over, it’s in the past, and I’d just like to move on.” 

Lance felt JC squeeze his hand, and he looked down at him. His eyes were closed, his breathing still even, but Lance knew he was awake, knew he heard every word that they were saying. 

Joey nodded at Lance, “I agree. Look, Chris, Lance is right. The problem was between the two of them, and if they worked everything out, then there’s no need to bring it up again.” 

Chris shrugged, “Okay, fine, it’s in the past.” His eyes narrowed and he looked at Lance, “But if he ever does anything like that again, I’ll hurt him.” 

“He won’t,” Lance said softly. He looked at Justin, who was at the window, looking out over the street, “Hey, Justin, you okay?”

 

Justin turned, “Yeah,” he said quietly. “I’m just thinking, that’s all.” 

“About what?” Lance wanted to know. 

Justin shrugged, embarrassed, “It’s stupid, really.” 

Joey snickered and Lance silenced him with a glare, “Come on, Justin, what’s wrong?” 

Justin sighed, “I was just wondering how this was going to change things. I mean, you guys are in love now, you’re going to be spending a lot of time together.” He looked at the floor, “I guess I’ll just miss you, that’s all.” 

“Justin, it’s not going to change anything. We’re still going to hang out with y’all,” Lance told him. “JC’s still your best friend, you know? I wouldn’t take that from you.” 

Justin looked up, “I know, and that’s not what I meant. I just meant,” he sighed and ran a hand through his hair, “look, I know when I first found out you were gay I acted kind of stupid.” 

“Justin,” Lance said, “we’ve been through this, forget about it.” 

 

“I can’t, Lance! I acted like a prick. I just don’t want you to think that you have to act differently in front of me because of what I said in the past. I don’t want you guys to feel as if you can’t act like a couple in front of me. I’m really happy for you, I’m really happy JC finally decided to get his head out of his ass and admit his feelings for you.” Justin grinned, “I just want you to act normal around me. If y’all want to kiss or something, that’s okay with me. Just don’t give me a free show to your sex acts.” 

Lance blushed and felt JC’s hand tighten on his again. He looked down to see a small smile on JC’s face. “Justin, trust me, I would not want you in my bedroom.” 

Justin looked offended, “Hey! Why not? I’m cute, I’m hot, I’m sexy.” 

Lance laughed, “Fine, Justin, I want you in my bedroom. Is that what you wanted to hear?” 

Justin made a face, “No, not really.” He shook his head, “Look, I know JC’s awake, so what do you say we get some lunch?” 

Joey looked at him, “How can you tell he’s awake? He looks like he’s sleeping to me.” 

Justin rolled his eyes, “Come on, Joey. Look at him. JC never sleeps on his side, he always sleeps on his back. He rolled onto his side because he didn’t want us to know he was listening.” He crossed the room and hit JC on the head, “Rise and shine Pumpkin, we’re getting something to eat.” 

 

JC opened one eye to look at Justin, “Have I told you lately that I hate you?” 

 

Justin grinned, “You stink. Go get a shower and let’s go.” 

JC rolled off the couch, kissing Lance on the head as he stood. He said hello to Joey and Chris and left to go to Justin’s bathroom. Lance watched him go and stood, “I need a shower, too.” 

Justin caught his arm as he walked towards the doorway. “Hey, I want to ask you something,” he said. He turned to Chris and Joey, “Go play PlayStation or something.” 

They grumbled something about how they wanted to know what he was going to ask, but got up and left the room. Lance turned to Justin, his arms crossed over his chest, his eyebrow raised. “What’s up?” 

Justin grinned, “So, now that you’ve done it, what’s it like to kiss a guy?” 

 

 

 

I'D LIKE TO WATCH YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT, TO HEAR YOU BREATHE BY MY SIDE 

AND ALTHOUGH SLEEP LEAVES ME BEHIND, THERE'S NOWHERE I'D REATHER BE. 

*DIDO, ALL YOU WANT  

EPILOGUE - NO PLACE ELSE 

Lance sighed, trying to keep the yawn that was begging to be released inside. He rested his elbow on the arm of the chair and put his hand in front of his mouth, his attention fully on Matt Lauer, to a casual observer, it appeared as if he was paying complete attention. Behind his hand, he yawned quickly. He heard JC cough softly next to him, and he stole a glance out of the corner of his eye. JC was smirking slightly, and Lance smiled at him. At least one person had caught him. 

It was way too early to be making appearances, Lance decided. Especially after last night’s concert. 

Last night’s concert. If there was ever any doubt that JC was in love with him, it was erased last night. Granted, it was erased live on HBO, but hey, Lance was just glad it happened. He was sure the cameras hadn’t been in close up range when he and JC caught eyes, and JC was looking at him like he just could not wait to get the hell off the stage, back to their room and into bed.  

The look was so intense, so close, that Lance’s eyes lit up in surprise, and a small smile graced his lips. Then JC grinned that infuriating grin of his and Lance couldn’t help but smile back, knowing he was blushing slightly. 

Those camera’s better not have been on them. 

Of course, the look that sent Lance’s blood boiling was completely wasted. They were required to attend the HBO after party, and once they could respectfully get out of that, it was too late to do anything but crawl under the covers, quickly kiss each other good night, and fall asleep. They had a four AM wake up call to get to the NBC studios on time. 

Lance glanced at the others, taking in their tired expressions, noticing how they all seemed to at least be half-awake. He looked behind Matt, off stage to see Britney leaning against a wall, a steaming cup of coffee in her hand, her eyes shut. Lance was surprised she got up to come this morning. Although, Justin was probably being a brat and was pissy that she would sleep in, so he made her come.  

Lance tuned the interview back in, just in time to hear JC begin to answer a question. Turning his attention to his boyfriend, he studied him as he spoke. That was one good thing, Lance thought, when JC was speaking, he was allowed to stare. 

Lance smiled to himself, JC was rambling again. Lance’s brow wrinkled when he started listening, was JC actually comparing Napster to a hot dog vendor? Lance caught Chris’s eye above JC’s head and Chris crossed his eyes at Lance and shook his head. Oh yeah, JC was going to hear about this one for a long time. 

 

 

 

 

“A hot dog vendor, JC?” Chris asked. “You couldn’t have picked something a little better?” 

JC shrugged and took a sip of coffee, “Look, we’re trying to relate to New Yorkers here, Chris. You have to go with something they understand. Sometimes they’re not the smartest people in the world.” He discreetly pointed to Joey. 

Joey snorted, “Whatever Jace. If thinking I’m stupid will help your wounded hot dog ego, then fine.” He leaned closer to him, “You should have used a Wall Street analogy, JC, do you really think anyone but people with real jobs are going to be up and watching this?” 

Justin spoke from his place on the loveseat. He was sitting with Britney’s head on his lap, “Or some kind of high school analogy,” he reasoned. “After all, I’m sure they got up this early to watch.” He closed his eyes, “Fools,” he muttered. 

JC didn’t reply, he just rolled his eyes and sat back on the couch in the green room. He picked Lance’s arm up and put it around his shoulders, snuggling close to him. 

Lance kissed the top of his head, “Tired?” 

JC closed his eyes, “Mmm,” he answered. 

Touching his hair, wanting so bad to run his fingers through it, but restraining for fear the hair stylist would yell at him, Lance looked down at JC. “We have about a half hour, why don’t you sleep for a bit?” 

JC nodded, “You too,” he murmured quietly. He dropped his empty coffee cup on the floor, and pulled his legs up onto the couch. Rolling on his back, he looked up at Lance. “I’m really glad we’re here.” 

“You’re glad to be somewhere at seven thirty in the morning? Even I don’t believe that,” Lance smiled down at him. 

JC shook his head, “No, Lance. I mean, I’m really glad we’re here. You and I. I’m glad we’re at the place we’re at.” He sighed, “I know it was hard on you, the past few weeks.” He reached up and touched Lance’s cheek, “But I really love you, Lance, and there’s no place I’d rather be.” 

Lance caught his hand, bringing it to his lips, and kissing it tenderly before holding it to his cheek. His green eyes searched JC’s face, moving over the kissable lips, the chiseled cheekbones, and coming to rest at the impossibly dark blue eyes. 

“I would have waited forever if I knew I would end up here with you,” he said softly. “And I agree, there’s no place I’d rather be.” 

The End

 

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