Breakdown

By:  Julie

>>You called yesterday/ to me it’s not the same<<

"Hi Ash, it’s me."

"Oh. Hi."

"I just wanted to say, you know, I still wanna be friends with you and stuff."

"Oh. Okay. Yeah."

"Are you okay?"

"Uh huh, I just didn’t expect you to call me. Or anything at all."

"Oh."

>>That you care for me but/ that you’re just not in love<<

"You’re not in love?" Ashley was incredulous. "All that… and you’re not in love?"

"No," Jacob said. "Sorry Ash."

Ashley couldn’t find the words.

>>Immediately I pretended to be feeling similarly/ and led you to believe I was<<

"It’s okay, J." Ashley said.

"Really?" Jacob asked. "You sounded mad… the other day. I mean…"

"I was just surprised. It’s really okay."

Yeah, what a lie.

>>okay/ to just/ walk away/ from the/ one thing/ that’s unyielding and sacred to me<<

"You’re sure, Ashley?"

"Yeah, Jake, really. It’ll be all right."

"Positive?"

"This was YOUR decision Jake."

"I know. I was just making sure that you weren’t going to freak out."

"Yeah. Right. Like I’d do that."

Shows how much he knows, Ashley thought.

>>well I guess I’m tryin’ to be/ nonchalant about it/ and I’m going to extremes/ to prove I’m fine without you<<

Ashley tried not to think about what he was doing. He tried not to think about the pretty brunette on her knees in front of him.

His idea was that maybe, just maybe, if he acted normal, no one would ask him about Jake.

>>but in reality I’m slowly losing my mind/ underneath the constant smile, gradually I’m dying inside<<

"Yes, I’m FINE," Ashley said for maybe the fiftieth time that day, then put down the phone.

He was NOT fine.

He felt like he was going insane.

>>friends ask me how I feel/ and I lie convincingly/ cuz I don’t want to reveal/ the fact that I’m suffering<<

"You sure you’re okay?"

"Uh huh."

"It was kind of cruel, after all."

"Don’t make me kick your ass Erik. Thinking I’m weak."

"I was just curious."

"Nah. I’m fine. I’m over him."

Liar.

>>so I wear my disguise till I go home at night/ then I turn out the lights and I break down and cry<<

He was trying really hard not to cry.

But it didn’t work.

He hated this. What damn right did Jake have to do this to him anyway? He was sure that he had made it very clear to Jacob that he was in love.

And the asshole needed space? Time? A break from GUYS?

Ashley sobbed. He hadn’t really cried over it yet, but it hurt, and it hurt BAD.

>>so what do you do when somebody you’re devoted to suddenly just stops loving you<<

Ashley pouted. Moped.

He couldn’t DEAL with the way this was going. What was he supposed to do, just ignore that Jacob was there every time he turned around, trying to be just friends and driving Ashley totally insane with wanting him, wanting to touch him, wanting to lick him, suck him and all manner of nasty things that he could conjure in his head.

What was he supposed to do? Let Jake have this power over him?

He hated it.

>>And it seems they haven’t got a clue of the pain that rejection is putting you through<<

The more he thought about it, the more it pissed him off.

Jacob needed space. What was that? They were in the same freaking group. Space, his ass.

Ashley wanted to strangle him. Sometimes it just hurt so badly. Just to see him there, talking to the other guys, joking around with Dan, flirting a little with Trevor, writing and goofing off with Erik… could he not SEE how he was hurting Ashley?

He drew the conclusion that Jacob was dense.

>>Do you cling to your pride and sing "I will survive?"<<

He could do this. It’d be okay.

No one needed to see how much he was hurt.

Jacob certainly didn’t need to know… right?

>>Do you lash out and say "How dare you leave this way?"<<

"God, okay, I can’t take it anymore."

"Huh?" Jacob asked.

"Why the hell’d you do it Jake? It’s not about space, what’s it really about?"

"I thought you said you were okay with it?"

"You should have known that was bullshit Jake."

"Why would I think it was bullshit Ash?"

Ashley threw his hands up and walked off.

>>Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away?<<

Ashley punched the wall.

How the hell could he be so dense? He actually believed that Ashley would let him go so easily?

Hadn’t Ashley done enough to make Jake love him, to prove to jake that Ashley TRULY loved him?

Wasn’t his best enough?

>>Turn out all the lights/ and then I break down and cry<<

There wasn’t anything left to do but cry.

The sun sank down over the horizon and the curtains over the windows fluttered in the dark room.

And Ashley cried.

He couldn’t think of any other way to come to terms with the pain that he felt.

Pain that Jacob, the one that he loved, had caused.

 

The End

 

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