Hard
to Say I’m Sorry
By: Julie
JC’s bedroom was darker than the one that he’d been
sharing with Justin.
He twisted beneath the sheets, unable to make
himself comfortable. He hurt. His body hurt from what had been done, his head
hurt from the constant tears that he couldn’t seem to stop, and his heart hurt
from what Justin had done to him, and from what he’d done in return.
He could still hear Justin’s sobs, in between
hearing what seemed to be echoes of his own voice screaming, yelling for Justin
to stop, his own sobs. The tears came back worse than before.
He wasn’t going to say that he was sorry until
Justin broke down and said it. They were both stubborn, and now it was a test
to see who could last longer. JC wasn’t going to apologize. Not first, maybe
not at all.
But he felt like shit.
XxXxXx
Justin swore to himself that he wasn’t going to say
he was sorry.
Even though it was his fault.
He just couldn’t seem to stop crying. Just like he
couldn’t stop himself from doing what he’d done to JC. The tears just kept
coming and his chest kept heaving with those tearing sobs.
He heard a crash down the hall that was the
unmistakable sound of JC freaking out—that first crash would be the stuff that
he threw off the dresser, and then the second louder one would have been the
dresser itself. Justin cried a little harder.
XxXxXx
JC was lying on the bed again.
He wasn’t coping particularly well.
Of course, his boyfriend had just… he couldn’t even
thing the word. He didn’t want to give it that name, and then maybe it would
disappear and never have happened.
But it had.
XxXxXx
"JC," Justin said softly, coming into the
room.
JC didn’t open his eyes. In fact, he held them
tightly shut and tried not to start crying. Again.
Justin didn’t leave. He stayed standing in the
doorway, the heavy comforter off the bed in the other room wrapped around him,
covering his naked body. JC could still hear the tears in the younger vampire’s
voice as he spoke.
"I couldn’t help it Jace," he said
softly. "You just don’t understand."
JC opened his eyes and sat up. "No, I don’t
understand," He said.
"You’re just so… And I wanted you so much… so
I…" Justin said, not really forming entire sentences. JC still managed to
get the point.
"I asked you to stop. I said please," JC
said. "And you did it anyway. You know what that’s called Justin?"
"Yes," Justin said quietly. "I know.
I’m sorry."
JC froze. He hadn’t expected Justin to say that.
And he wanted to apologize, but he was still hurt. He just stared.
"Say something," Justin said, his face
beginning to take on the look it had before the tears escaped and he collapsed
into sobs.
"It hurts," JC said. That was all. Just
those two words. Justin nodded.
"I’m sorry," he repeated. "I can’t
take it back."
"I know," JC said. Justin walked over to
the bed.
"Please?" Justin said. "Do you want
me to leave?"
"No," JC said. But he didn’t say he was
sorry.
XxXxXx
Justin wasn’t in the least surprised that JC hadn’t
apologized for what he’d done to Justin in return. Even though he had to know
that it was killing Justin.
He was beautiful, really. Sometimes, Justin
couldn’t resist the things that he did because of that beauty. He wasn’t sure
what made JC so beautiful. He wasn’t sure if it was the cheekbones, the eyes,
the lips, or the way that, at that moment, JC’s hair curled up, falling over
his forehead and resting on his cheeks as he slept.
Justin wasn’t sure if he should hate JC or love
him.
Okay, he knew that he should hate JC, but he was
leaning far more toward loving him than hating him. Or he did love him.
JC sighed in his sleep. Justin thought that maybe,
just maybe, if JC had a soul he could be an angel. But instead, he was just a
very, very beautiful devil.
Justin kissed JC’s cheek lightly, and JC’s eyes
fluttered slowly open.
"I’m sorry," he whispered, his voice
hoarse. Justin looked directly into his eyes at that moment, thin blue rings
around massively dilated pupils.
"You mean it?" Justin asked.
"Yes," JC said, then closed his eyes
again.
But he did not snuggle up to Justin.
XxXxXx
Justin found JC sitting on the back porch staring
into space the next morning, a quilt that Justin had previously seen in one of
the guestrooms wrapped around him. He could see JC’s toes at the bottom of the
blanket, bare and a wet in the dawning light of the morning.
JC didn’t seem to notice him.
"Did you mean it?" Justin asked.
"Yes," JC said.
Justin smiled and sat down next to JC, leaning over
to give him a kiss. JC immediately pulled away.
"I forgave you, but that doesn’t mean I trust
you," JC said, getting up and going back in the house. Justin sat on the
chair in shock.
XxXxXx
JC stirred from sleep when he felt warm hands slide
over his stomach, and warm, heavy arms wrap around him. He snuggled back into
the body that lay behind him. Justin kissed the side of his neck softly.
JC rolled over and wrapped his own arms around
Justin, then pressing his face into Justin’s chest, the top of his head against
the bottom of Justin’s chin. He didn’t say anything.
"Jace," Justin said softly, pulling JC
closer. "What will it take for you to trust me again?" he repeated.
"Time," JC said, and Justin could feel
JC’s lips moving on his skin.
Justin sighed and held JC tightly, feeling JC’s
breath even out and his arms go limp as he went back to sleep. Justin closed
his eyes.
One day it would be okay again. But they’d have to
make do with the shreds of their relationship that they still had.
But life was on its way back to being okay.
It was just going to take time, and eventually,
trust.
The End
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