It’s My Life

By:  Julie

 

It was in the roar of the crowd. It was the sound of the guys running, the grunts as bodies slammed together, the crack of his helmet against another person’s, the cracks of his teammates helmets as they slammed against the helmets and pads of the other team. IT was about the pain when he hit the ground, and five guys piled on top of him, about knowing that he still held the ball even then.

 

To Jacob, all the drops of sweat, every drop of blood, was worth it.

 

The biggest rush for him was standing on the sidelines watching the defense, shooting glances toward the cheerleaders. Watching the cute little blondes—he even knew their names, Britney, Mandy, Christina, Will, and Jessica—being tossed around by the three guys on their squad. Not only did Jacob get a high from throwing the ball, being crushed by the guys on the field, or running into the end zone, but he got a rush from every smile that Ashley flashed him.

 

“Underwood!” the coach bellowed. Jacob snapped out of the naughty thoughts he was having and turned toward the coach. “Quit trying to look up the skirts and get your ass on that field!”

 

Jacob grinned. He wasn’t looking at skirts. Not at all.

 

>>This ain’t a song for the brokenhearted/ a silent prayer for the fate departed<<

 

“Did you notice him looking over here again?” Ashley asked. JC, one of the other cheerleaders, nodded and began to help the mascot struggle out of the suit. Justin would shriek every time JC’s hands slipped.

 

“He’s not looking at you Ashley,” Justin said, pulling off the mascot head, throwing it on the ground, and kicking it. “He has a—HEY!”

 

JC had pinched his ass hard to get him to shut up. “He’s just not your type,” JC said, glaring at Justin, who rubbed his ass and glared back. Ashley sighed, then grabbed his bag and stood up.

 

JC smacked Justin in the head. “Way to break his heart babe,” JC said, quietly, so that Ashley would not hear.

 

“Someone had to,” Justin said, kissing JC quickly before they rushed off to Justin’s car.

 

>>I ain’t gonna be just a face in the crowd/ you’re gonna hear my voice when I shout it out loud<<

 

Homecoming was always loud.

 

It wasn’t really Jacob’s scene, but of course, he was expected to be there. People were slamming together, almost in a mosh-like atmosphere, yelling the words to the songs. They’d have been disappointed if he hadn’t been there. He’d escorted the queen—Chrissy, his girlfriend—and he’d had to show. Or face her wrath.

 

She was off dancing with someone else. Jacob wasn’t sure whom, but he knew the guy didn’t play football. That was all he knew.

 

A hand grabbed his and jerked him toward the stage set up at one end of the room, pulling him through the bodies. This was another reason he’d had to be there. It had fallen to his shoulders to get the lethargic mass hyped up.

 

A mic was shoved into Jacob’s hand, and he looked up and saw Ashley, leaning against the wall, watching him.

 

He opened his mouth and let loose.

 

>>It’s my life/ it’s now or never<<

 

Justin was driving too fast. Justin always drove too fast, and had the radio up too loud.

 

For once it was okay.

 

They’d just wanted to get away. Ten minutes in the strictly heterosexual atmosphere of the homecoming dance too much for them. JC had said that they could have had more fun if they went down to the lake instead of hanging around where they weren’t wanted.

 

They’d do what they wanted, and to hell with whoever tried to change that.

 

>>I ain’t gonna live forever/ I just wanna live while I’m alive<<

 

Jacob loved to be able to crowd surf. They’d let him too, because it got everyone involved. He’d get up there, pump up the mass of teenagers, then make his way to the back of the room like that.

 

Now it was make his way to the back of the room, to Ashley.

 

He was just a little tired of having to fake liking all these girls that hung onto him, pressed their breasts in his faces. Like the cheerleaders. They practically followed him around, especially since the little incident where Justin had dumped Britney for JC. That was definitely not something anyone had seen coming, nor was it something anyone particularly liked.

 

With that precedent set, Jacob thought he might live for the moment.

 

He could kiss Ashley now and deal with the consequences later.

 

>>my heart is like an open highway/ like Frankie said I did it my way/ I just wanna live while I’m alive<<

 

The beach was always deserted after games. Especially on homecoming. Everyone was hitting the parties in town, getting wasted and getting laid.

 

Sometimes it seemed like there, underneath the stars and lying on the sand, the occasional car buzzing along the highway that ran the top of the beach, on the other side of the trees, that they were all alone.

 

People were pissed when their whole relationship started. Justin was a basketball star, JC sang and cheered, just two normal high school kids.

 

Justin always had to be different. Like dumping Britney and declaring his love for JC.

 

He just liked to do things his way. No one would ever say that he’d back down and do what people wanted him to.

 

He’d only do what Justin wanted to do.

 

Sometimes though, he did what JC wanted him to do.

 

>>this is for the ones who stood their ground/ … never backed down<<

 

**flashback, junior year**

 

“Justin, I think it’s nice that you want to try this little experiment with your friend, but you are NOT gay,” his mother said. Justin cringed. “Stop even ACTING like it. And go apologize to Britney.”

 

“Mom,” Justin started.

 

She cut him off. “Do as I tell you or I’ll throw you out of this house, and don’t think for a split second that I won’t.”

 

“Mom, I’m not apologizing to Britney,” Justin said calmly. “And I’m not going to stop what I’m doing.”

 

“Yes you ARE young man,” she yelled. “No son of mine is going to sin like this!”

 

“Love isn’t a sin, Momma,” Justin said. He believed that. “Lying and saying you love someone when you don’t is. This way, I’m not cheating Britney out of anything. I love JC.”

 

“Then I don’t want you in my house Justin.” She said.

 

Justin looked at her sadly, and then left the house. There were just some things that he couldn’t change.

 

JC’s parents had known all along. They’d take him in, and welcome it.

 

**end flashback**

 

He didn’t know why he thought of that, happy lying here with JC wrapped around him.

 

But he hadn’t gone back yet, and he didn’t think that he would.

 

>>tomorrow’s getting’ harder make no mistake/ luck ain’t even lucky/ gotta make your own breaks<<

 

Jacob kissed Ashley.

 

No big deal, or it shouldn’t have been, because Jacob had wanted to do it for a while.

 

What was a big deal, was that Ashley jerked away, looking at him like he was crazy, and even looking a little scared. A lot of people were watching, too.

 

Jacob felt sick. Had he read Ashley wrong? He hadn’t thought so, but apparently he had.

 

He immediately wanted to get drunk, and left Ashley inside, leaning against the wall in shock.

 

>>Better stand tall when they're calling you out/ don’t bend, don't break, baby, don't back down<<

 

Some stupid jocks had managed to make their drunken way down to the beach that night, and stumbled across Justin and JC tangled in a blanket, naked in the sand.

 

The name calling began, the football players expecting the weaker faggots to back down.

 

They underestimated Justin and JC, who took advantage of their drunkenness to get away with only a few minor bruises. They were surprised that such tough and coordinated guys on the field could become so uncoordinated when they had a few beers in their systems.

 

Justin gave JC a weak smile as he started the car and they headed home.

 

>>It’s my life/ it’s now or never<<

 

Ashley rushed outside, looking for his car in the lot, and becoming frustrated when he couldn’t locate it.

 

After Jacob had kissed him, and Ashley had freaked out, and Jacob had left, the other male cheerleader, Howie, had made his way over. He’d seen the entire thing, and demanded to know why Ashley had done what he’d done.

 

Ashley had had to explain that he hadn’t wanted to end up like JC and Justin, who were good at everything they did, but got no respect, just because of the person they chose to love. Ashley hadn’t wanted for people to talk about him, to make fun, and he hadn’t wanted to bring Jacob down because of something stupid like this.

 

Howie had then told him he was stupid, and to get his ass out to his car and to go find Jacob.

 

“Jake,” Ashley sighed, annoyed that he couldn’t find his car, disgusted with himself for what he’d done, and hoping that Jacob would give him a second chance.

 

He was too afraid of being rejected to cry as he slid behind the wheel.

 

>>I ain’t gonna live forever/ I just wanna live while I’m alive<<

 

Okay, so drinking the anger and pain he felt at what Ashley had done may not have been the best idea, but it felt good.

 

He thought it was a good idea. He had wanted to kiss Ashley. He’d done what he’d wanted for so long, hadn’t he? He wasn’t going to have another opportunity like that, and he didn’t care what people thought of him, didn’t care about anything but Ashley, and he’d thought that Ashley would have cared back.

 

But he hadn’t.

 

Jake was as mad as any drunk man could be as he got into his car.

 

>>my heart is like an open highway/ like Frankie said I did it my way<<

 

Justin wasn’t paying attention to the road. Sure, he was staying in his lane and everything, but he wasn’t watching. Wasn’t watching the other side of the little two-lane highway that lead back into town from the beach. He was too busy concentrating on what JC was doing and saying.

 

He didn’t see the car coming, and he didn’t swerve. The other driver didn’t bother to swerve either, being that he was one of those drunken jock-types.

 

He hit JC and Justin head on.

 

There was metal crunching. Glass was shattering. Justin heard JC screaming, heard his own cries of pain like he wasn’t in his body. He couldn’t FEEL anything. Nothing but JC’s limp body against his as the sound came to a stop, the only noises the sound of other cars screeching to a halt.

 

>>I just wanna live while I’m alive<<

 

Howie was still at the dance when he heard what happened.

 

Good news travels fast, but bad news can travel at the speed of light.

 

>>It’s my life<<

 

Ashley was just too late.

 

That was all there was to it.

 

He’d been headed toward Jacob’s home, when he’d seen the flashing lights. When he’d seen the wreck, saw the ambulances.

 

When he recognized the totaled vehicles.

 

His own car screeched to a halt, and he tumbled out, his stomach churning and his brain soaked in terror. The bodies… the ones that they were lifting onto those stretchers… they were covered with sheets. He saw one as they pulled the sheet over it.

 

He saw that dread-locked head, the face cut by the shattered glass from the collision. Ashley was sick. He pounded his fists on the ground, crying, even as he vomited.

 

He was hardly aware of the hands that wrapped around his arms, lifting him from the ground, then the arms going around him, hugging him tightly, or of the feathery hair that brushed his cheek.

 

All he could think of was that he’d killed three people, and he told this person that.

 

“No,” Howie replied, holding on to Ashley. “You didn’t kill them. This whole town of homophobic hick jerks killed them.”

 

“I killed them,” Ashley repeated.

 

“No,” Howie said, looking over at the wreck for a moment. “It wasn’t you. It was the fear of everyone else that killed them. Them making you think that you had to be the way that they wanted you to be.”

 

Ashley knew that was the truth. He had been afraid, he’d told Howie that himself.

 

But he’d caused Jake to do this, and there was no way to take that back now.

 

He’d make up for it by being himself. By living the way he wanted, the way he was fated to live. For once, he wouldn’t be who people wanted him to be.

 

He’d be Ashley.

 

>>It’s my life<<

 

The End

 

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