Trust

By:  Julie

Justin couldn’t get used to the idea that JC could walk in the sun.

It was just weird. They were vampires. Vampires weren’t supposed to be able to go out in the sun. But both of them could. It made Justin sick to his stomach to do it, but he could. It didn’t seem to have an effect on JC.

Justin was really afraid to talk to JC anymore. True, they had said their apologies, but it didn’t seem to have an effect on the current status of their relationship.

JC still wouldn’t let Justin do anything to him. They still slept together on most occasions, but more often than not, JC slept alone in his room, the door locked. He never kissed Justin anymore, never started anything.

It was making Justin crazy.

It wasn’t really the fact that he wasn’t having sex at all. It was that JC wouldn’t let Justin touch him. It was the simple fact that JC was so beautifully sexy and Justin wasn’t allowed to touch him.

For instance, at that moment, JC was sitting in the porch swing on the front porch, the sun slanting over him from behind, casting shadows over his face through the thick waves of hair that fell around his face. He had a quilt wrapped around him, around his shoulders and not quite covering his bare feet—this was something JC did often, Justin had noticed—and a book held in his hand. He was actually chewing on his fingernail as he read.

JC looked so beautiful. Justin wanted to go over, pick him up and take him up to his room, maybe make love to him.

And he couldn’t, because of the boundaries that had been laid, and the walls that had been erected.

Justin decided he had to do something.

"JC?" he asked, stepping out onto the porch. JC didn’t look up.

"Yes?" he replied, not looking up from the book.

"I want it to be okay again," Justin said. He was whining. He knew he was.

"I told you," JC said. He looked up. "Give me time, Justin. I can’t deal with this right now."

"Deal with what?" Justin demanded. "You’re always telling me that you can’t keep thinking about the bad things that you do. That I have to not think about it. And then you won’t forget about this."

"That’s because I’d never been fucking raped before Justin," JC snapped. He threw down the book and sat up from his half-lounged position. "How do you expect me to forget that?"

"You did the SAME THING!" Justin shouted. JC stared at him. "You did the exact same thing to me. I know it hurts JC. But I forgave you," Justin said. "I’m trying to forget it, but you won’t."

JC looked at him. Justin looked back. JC stood up and walked into the house, and Justin followed.

"Leave me alone!" JC shouted.

"No," Justin said. "If you want me to forget things, you will too. I made a mistake JC. I know that. I’m sorry."

"I can’t forgive you. I tried Justin," JC said. "Because I love you, I tried. It just hurts too fucking much to let it go."

Justin stared at him.

"JC please," Justin whispered. JC shook his head.

"I can’t," JC replied.

"Just give me a chance," Justin said.

"To do what?" JC asked. "To hurt me again?"

Justin slammed his fist against the wall and sobbed. His entire body shook with the force of the pain those words had given him.

JC felt like shit just then. He knew that those words were crossing the line. He knew that he shouldn’t have said it. But he couldn’t take it back.

He rested one hand lightly on Justin’s back. "I’m sorry," he said. Justin turned and looked at him through eyes blurred with tears.

"That hurt," Justin said.

JC wrapped his arms around Justin and closed his eyes.

"I just want it to be okay," JC said. "I don’t want to think about it every time you touch me. I don’t want to see you hurting me, and hear me screaming for you to stop. I can’t stop thinking about it."

Justin touched JC’s cheek and JC flinched.

"Do you remember back when you first killed Britney?" Justin asked. JC nodded, seeming to be afraid to meet Justin’s eyes. "Remember how I flinched away from you every time you touched me?"

"Yes," JC said. His eyes glazed over a little as he looked at a spot on the side of Justin’s neck that bore two almost invisible white scars. The spot JC had first bitten Justin when Justin has still been a human.

"I was scared,’ Justin said. "I was afraid that you would try to kill me like you did her. But I trusted you."

JC nodded, still staring. Justin tilted his head slightly.

"I just want you to trust me," Justin said. "I know I fucked up. Give me the chance to make it up to you."

JC was leaning forward. "I want to try." JC said, his voice rough.

Justin began to feel a little nervous. Could JC suck out all of his blood and kill him?

He just had to trust.

Justin tilted his head back and JC bit gently into the vein in Justin’s neck. JC could feel Justin’s body tense slightly with pain. JC sucked hard on the blood that welled up into his mouth.

"JC," Justin whispered. "Can I…"

JC made a soft noise. Justin took it as a yes although he wasn’t entirely sure. He picked JC up and lay him down on his bed.

JC panicked and jerked his teeth from Justin’s neck. He began to struggle to get away, seeming to be terrified.

Justin touched JC’s cheek gently, careful not to put his weight onto JC’s body. JC breath came fast and hard, and Justin could feel the fear that rushed through his lover’s body.

"JC," Justin said, "it’s okay."

Justin ran his fingers through JC’s hair, touched the side of JC’s neck. JC closed his eyes and swallowed, trying to calm down.

Justin started kissing him. Justin’s hands slid down, wandered down JC’s body. JC tensed.

"Justin no," JC said, his voice weak and desperate.

"What?" Justin asked.

"I can’t Ju," JC said. " I just can’t."

Justin nodded. He hated that it was going to take so long to regain JC’s trust, but he had a while.

He was a vampire. He had forever if he needed it.

JC wrapped his arms around Justin and closed his eyes. "I just can’t," he kept whispering. Justin sighed and rubbed the baby-fine hairs on the back of JC’s neck.

"It’s okay," Justin said. "It’s gonna be okay."

"I can’t do it," JC said. Justin kissed him softly, able to taste his own blood smeared on JC’s lips.

"I know," Justin said.

JC snuggled closer. "Please don’t be mad at me," JC said.

"I’m not," Justin replied.

"Okay. I’m sorry that I can’t… that I can’t let you…"

"I know."

"I love you though."

"I know. I love you too."

"I was worried."

"About me not loving you?"

"Yes."

Justin kissed JC’s forehead. "You never had to doubt that I loved you JC," he said. "I know I screwed up. But I still love you, even though I fucked up."

"I’m sorry I doubted it," JC said. "If anything, you should have thought that I didn’t love you any more."

"I never worried. I don’ t think I’ll ever have to."

JC smiled and closed his eyes again.

"Are you going to sleep now?" Justin asked.

"Yes," JC said.

"Maybe tomorrow?"

"Maybe."

Justin smiled and closed his own eyes.

The End

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