When You Close Your Eyes

By:  Julie

Nicki sighed softly and touched JC’s cheek.

It wasn’t really his fault that she was leaving. It wasn’t his fault that she was going to leave him while he was sleeping, while his eyelashes fluttered with dreams and he lay on his stomach with his hand curled on the pillow. While his back rose and fell with each breath. While he slept.

Nicki kissed his cheek and walked out.

JC woke up alone.

XxXx

"It’s like… Well, I guess I don’t know," JC said. He pulled his heavy coat tighter around him and took a heavy drag off the cigarette.

"She didn’t even tell you why she left?" Justin asked, moving upwind of the smoke.

"No," JC said. "I guess I’m not worth that." He blew the smoke from between his lips and Justin made a face.

"Do you have to do that?"

"Do what?" JC asked.

"Smoke those."

"Yes," JC said.

"Oh."

JC looked at Justin and tossed the butt on the ground. It lay on the snow, glowing for a moment before going out. Justin stared at JC.

"Do you think that maybe she knew?" Justin asked. JC didn’t look at him, turned his face toward the mountains in the distance, and the wind whipped his longish hair into his eyes.

"Knew what?" JC asked. Justin sighed, suddenly annoyed. "What was there to know?"

Justin reached out and touched JC’s hand with gloved fingers. JC pulled his hand away and pulled his coat tighter around him, crossing his arms over his chest, looking at the snow on the ground, packed from where they had walked.

It was starting to snow again.

"JC…" Justin said, trying to keep his voice calm. JC looked up at him, eyes full of tears. The snow caught in his hair, dissolved in his wet lashes as he blinked, trying not to cry.

"If she knew, I didn’t know it," JC said. The tears fell, crystal-like and perfect, like the perfect snowflakes that clung to his dark hair. "I didn’t know it."

"She might have though," Justin said softly, reaching up and brushing away the tears.

"How?" JC asked. Justin slid an arm around him, rubbing JC’s cheek.

"It’s not like it was a secret Jace," Justin said. "Everyone else knew. Why shouldn’t Nicki?"

"Because she was my girlfriend," JC said, his voice shaky. "It’s not like… what we did… it wasn’t anything. It’s not like… we’re a couple… or anything…"

"JC, it was something," Justin said. "It was a big deal."

"No," JC said.

"Yes," Justin replied.

"How?" JC asked.

"It’s a big deal because I love you," Justin said.

JC stared.

"You do?" JC asked. Justin nodded. "That’s why? The whole time?"

"Of course," Justin said.

"I…"

"Don’t worry about it," Justin said. "We all know that you didn’t know."

JC shook his head. "I’m stupid," he said.

"No," Justin said. "You were in denial."

"Okay," JC said.

"Come on," Justin said, taking JC’s hand and leading him inside.

"What are you going to do?" JC asked.

"Close your eyes and I’ll show you," Justin said, pulling JC to the floor in front of the fire.

"What?" JC asked.

"Just do it," Justin said.

JC closed his eyes and Justin pulled off their coats, then pushed JC gently back onto the floor. JC rubbed the inside of Justin’s thigh with gentle fingers as Justin slowly slid off their clothes, as Justin kissed him.

JC’s eyes came open and he reached out to wrap an arm around Justin and pull him on top of him. Justin met JC’s lips again, tongue sliding past to meet JC’s, to rub together, hot and wet.

The fire warmed their skin, and Justin’s fingers slid through JC’s damp hair. JC spread his legs apart so that Justin fell between them and lifted his hips up slightly.

This was what Nicki had left him. She’d known about this, known about Justin, and she’d left him with no explanation, nothing. Except for this thing that he had with Justin, the passion… maybe even love.

He felt a shiver of nervousness—like always—and maybe even a little fear as Justin pressed against him. Justin’s eyes locked on his, and Justin broke the kiss.

"Don’t be scared," he whispered, his fingers tracing over JC’s cheek. "You know it only hurts for a second."

JC nodded, but he was tense anyway. It did hurt. It wasn’t something that his body was used to just yet.

Justin was good at breaking down barriers.

He’d press in so gently that JC wouldn’t even realize it at first, not the head. It was after the first few seconds, when Justin would move to fast, or maybe even move at all that it hurt, and then JC’s eyes filled with tears—a different kind of tear than before—and Justin kissed him to take his mind off of it. That usually worked.

Justin knew how to touch him, knew what to do to JC to make everything feel good. Justin knew that when he flicked his tongue across JC’s neck, JC’s ass would tighten around Justin, and Justin would moan, and JC would shiver a little and press into him as their hands worked between them.

It was always slow and smooth, never rough, because Justin was afraid that if he were to get rough—and he’d admit that he liked it a little rough sometimes—that he might hurt JC and scare him away. JC was scared already, because he put heavy weight into what people thought of him, and because he had a low tolerance for pain, and just mostly didn’t like getting hurt.

Justin was careful, and it was always beautiful. JC couldn’t be romantic, but he liked to be romanced. Justin was good at that, with the fire and the snow and the generally romantic setting.

He even told JC that he loved him.

He wasn’t sure it was only about the sex. He knew that he liked to be with JC, liked to do this, and he realized, as JC’s body clenched tight around his and Justin’s stomach became sticky and they were both breathless and suddenly sleepy, that it was not just about the sex.

Justin was really in love. And he meant it when he told JC that.

He pulled a blanket around them and closed his eyes, his head on JC’s shoulder, and they slept.

XxXx

JC woke up alone.

He was afraid to open his eyes this time, because it hurt to much to think that Nicki was anything like Justin, to think that Justin may have left him when he’d closed his eyes and been vulnerable. He said his prayers in his head and slowly opened his eyes.

Justin was sitting there on the floor next to him, a blanket half wrapped around his shoulders, a look of sleepy happiness on his face. He held a coffee mug in his hands, and his eyes were only on JC.

JC almost burst into tears.

Justin frowned. "What did I do?" he asked.

"I thought that you left me," JC said. "Bad things seem to happen when I close my eyes."

"I wouldn’t leave you," Justin said. "Ever."

"I don’t want you to," JC said. Then, as though he were afraid to say it out loud and really hear the words, he whispered "I love you. Don’t leave me while I’m sleeping. I love you."

Justin smiled and reached over and touched JC’s bare shoulder softly.

"I love you too," Justin said. "And when you close your eyes, I’ll always be there. Because I love you."

And JC smiled, and was not afraid.

The End 

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