Crazy For You

By:  Lara

 

“We’ll try to get up here as often as we can,” Diane Bass promised her son.  “As often as they’ll let us visit you, we’ll drive up, okay?”

“Remember, dear, they said at the orientation that it’s best if we don’t visit for a little while,” James Bass reminded his wife gently.  “Besides, you’re probably itching to get rid of us for a while, aren’t ya, Sport?” James looked in the rearview mirror at the young man in the backseat.  The young man shrugged, meeting his father’s gaze. He then returned to looking out the window.  He impatiently tapped his fingers on the seat.  He wanted out of the car.

“This place is really nice, Lance. You’ll like it,” his mother said encouragingly. They turned off the rural highway onto a paved drive.  “This is it. Meadowbrook Gardens.”  Lance thought it sounded more like a spa then a mental hospital, but he said nothing. He wanted out of the car.

“They really try to make you feel at home here. The guy at the meeting said that they insist that you participate in at least one artistic activity…like writing or painting or singing or something. That’s right up your alley, right, Sport?”  James looked back and Lance shrugged again.  He wanted out of the car.

 

“Mr. Bass.  Mrs. Bass.  I’m so glad to see you again.”  A short young man in a University of Pennsylvania sweatshirt and jeans came jogging down the front steps of the main building.  “I hope your drive went well.”

“Nine hours is a long time to be in a car, but we managed,” Diane said with a smile.  The man’s dark eyes flickered over to Lance.

“You must be Lance.” He held out his hand and Lance took it.  “I’m Christopher Kirkpatrick…Dr. Kirkpatrick. I’ll be looking out for you here.” 

Not a spa, Lance thought to himself, a summer camp. He simply nodded and his mother sighed.  “It’s been a long drive, Doctor. Our son is usually much more polite.”

“No problem. Let’s get inside and get the rest of the paperwork filled out, okay?” The doctor led the way up the steps.  “Don’t worry about your bags, Lance.  One of the orderlies will get them, and they won’t unpack them.”  Lance gave his usual shrug. “Oh, you don’t care? Good. Some of the kids get a little nervous about strangers touching their things.”  The doctor turned back to Lance’s parents. “I work in the young adults’ ward, basically because I’m not that far past a young adult myself.”

He led the way into a tiny cluttered office.  He shoved some things off of two chairs and Mr. and Mrs. Bass sat down.  Lance leaned against a wall.  “Here, Lance.” James started to stand.

“No, Dad, I’m fine here. I need to stretch my legs,” Lance said.  His father sat back down.

“Good. You can talk.  That will make our group sessions much more productive.”  Dr. Kirkpatrick winked at Lance, then pulled a folder out of his desk. “I’ll just need you to sign here and here and here.” The doctor pointed with his pen.  Lance studied the diplomas on the wall as his parents basically signed his life away.  “Okay…well…I’ll let you have some time to say goodbye, but then I’m gonna have to get Lance settled in,” the doctor said almost apologetically.  “I’ll be down the hall in the solarium when you’re ready, Lance.”  The doctor left the room and Lance looked at his parents silently.

“Well, let’s get outside. It’s such a nice day.”  James Bass led the way out of the office and back out the front doors.

“I hate to leave already. We just got here,” Diane said. She looked at her husband. “That doctor seems nice. Maybe he’d let us stay here for lunch with Lance.”

“Diane, we need to go,” he said firmly. She looked at Lance, tears welling up in her eyes.

“Baby, you remember we love you, no matter what, okay? And NOTHING is wrong with you. You just need rest.”  Diane choked back a sob.  “Please don’t be angry with us.”

Lance pulled back from her hug. “I’m not angry, Mama.  You’re right. I need rest.  And heaven forbid you send me somewhere warm and fun and exciting, like, say, Hawaii.  A mental institution is EXACTLY what I wanted when you said I needed time to get myself together.”

His mother drew back from the sarcasm in his voice.  “James Lance Bass, apologize to your mother,” his father said quietly.

“I’m sorry, Mama,” Lance said, but there was no apology in his tone.  He looked at his father. “You’d better be going. I think the doctor wants me inside.”

“Lance…” his father said, but his son had already turned away. “Please.  Can’t I give my son a hug?”

Lance studied his father for a long moment. “I thought you told me I was no longer your son.”

“Things have changed,” his father said softly. Lance sighed and allowed his father to hug him.  “Be safe.  And if you need anything…write, okay?  They said you don’t get many phone calls, so you just write.  I’m sure they have computers here…you let us know and we’ll find a way to get an email account somehow.”  Lance had to smile at the thought of his country parents getting a computer.  “Anything you want.”

“Bye, Lance.”  His mother hugged him one last time, then got in the car.  Lance watched them leave, then he slowly climbed the steps.  Dr. Kirkpatrick was waiting in the doorway.

 

 

“Okay, first thing’s first.  I’m Dr. Kirkpatrick when anyone over the age of thirty is around that isn’t a patient. Otherwise, I’m Chris, okay?”  The doctor’s brown eyes studied Lance. Lance nodded. “Good.  This is the main building…basically it makes us look all serious and important and responsible.  You know, makes your parents want to trust us.” Chris led the way through the building and out a back door.  “Those are the dorms.” He pointed to four large buildings.  “One for our seriously ill patients. One for the patients who have physical as well as mental illnesses. One for women, and one for men.  This one is yours.”  He went up a few steps.  “It’s divided as well, but I’ll show you the part where you’ll be spending most of your time.” 

“Yo, Chris.”  A black man who looked a little older than Lance stepped out of a doorway. “We on the court today?”

“Not today, Franklin. I need to show our new guy around.  Tomorrow, okay?” Chris called over his shoulder.

“You got it. Your ass is mine, Doc.”

“We’ll see, Franklin!”  Chris shouted back. He looked at Lance.  “Franklin’s big thing is basketball. I try to play with him whenever I can.”  He turned down a new corridor. “Cafeteria is all the way down on the left.  Art room is on the right, sculpture room before that, and the music studio is down the other way.” Chris waved over his shoulder.  “There’s a common room up here, like a living room, where you can watch TV or whatever.  The conference rooms, where we have our meetings and stuff, they’re upstairs.”  Chris turned again and Lance felt hopelessly lost.  “And this is your room.”  Chris opened a door, and Lance saw his luggage on the bed.  “All yours.”

“I thought…I don’t have a roommate?”  Lance asked quietly. He had been experiencing nightmares about a psychotic roommate who would kill him in his sleep.

“No.  We’re a small facility, and we have the room to spread everyone out. Would you like a roommate?”

Lance shook his head. “No. I like being alone.”

“Okay.”  Chris put a hand on Lance’s shoulder. “Lance, I’m not gonna fuck around the bush. I know everything about your case.  I’m not gonna say I know everything about you, because I don’t. I’m counting on you to tell me.  You’re here for a minimum of ten weeks. It could be longer.  It’s all up to you, okay?  Your parents put you here…”

“Because they’re ashamed of me,” Lance finished for him.

“Because they are worried about you.” Chris ignored the interruption.  “It’s my job to help you help them realize they have nothing to worry about, okay?”  He clapped Lance on the back. “Go ahead and unpack. I’m gonna go round us up some sandwiches, since I missed lunch. I’ll be back in about twenty minutes.”  Chris went out of the room and closed the door.

Lance looked around the small room and sighed.  He opened his suitcase and started hanging up shirts on the small peg hooks in the closet. Apparently they weren’t allowed to have hangers. He was just starting on his pants and jeans when someone knocked on the door. “Yes?”  Lance called.

A head poked inside.  A dark head, with thick dark hair above dark brown eyes and a dark brown beard. “Hi there. I saw you come in with Chris.” Lance nodded silently. “I’m Joey Fatone.”  Lance looked at him. “Oh, God, not another one who doesn’t talk.”

“I talk…when I want.”  Lance looked at him with his chin raised slightly. “Lance Bass.”

“Nice to meet you, Lance.  How long you in for?” 

“Ten weeks at least,” Lance said, wincing as the reality of the time period hit him.

“Oh, that’s nothing.  I’ve been here for over a year,” Joey said cheerfully. “You pick an art yet?” Lance shook his head. “Well, I’m in acting. You should try it. It’s a good release.”  Joey took a step in the door. “You mind?” Lance shook his head and Joey sat down at the desk to stay out of Lance’s way as he unpacked.  “So…where you from?”

“Mississippi,” Lance answered.

“Wow.  Down South. This is the farthest from home I’ve ever been. I’m from Brooklyn.”  Lance nodded. He had thought he heard some sort of accent. 

“Here, Lance. I hope you like ham and Swiss.”  Chris reappeared. “Joey.”

“Hey, Chris. I was just introducing myself to Lance here.”  Joey got up. “I’ll let you guys eat.  Lance, tonight is WWF night on the TV…come on down, okay?”  Lance shrugged and Joey rolled his eyes.  “Newbies. I swear. Later, Chris.”  Joey sauntered out the door. Lance looked at Chris and took the sandwich Chris offered him.

“Joey’s harmless. He’s a great guy…friendly as hell…but he has a temper on him.  Not much patience, either.”  Chris munched thoughtfully. “You getting settled in here okay?” Lance nodded. “Okay, your schedule is easy today.  You just have to pick an art and anything else on the list that interests you, okay?  Dinner is at six-thirty sharp…we don’t come get you. You can find your way down there yourself. However, if by six-forty you’re not in the cafeteria, we come and find you. Got it?”  Lance nodded. “We’ll set up a schedule for your group therapy and private sessions tomorrow, okay?  You just get settled in here.”  Chris smiled at Lance. “I’ll see you tonight for WWF.”  Chris turned on a heel and left the room. 

Lance sat down at the desk with his sandwich and the glass of milk that Chris had brought as well.  He looked at the papers that Chris had mentioned. There were classes in every kind of artistic subject imaginable.  He could weave or sew or paint or sculpt or write. He could sing or dance or act or string beads.  He frowned and shoved the papers away.  Lance looked out the window at the tree branches dancing in the breeze. He wanted to go home.

 

 

Lance was staring out his window, chin in his hand, when someone knocked on his door. He was jolted out of his daydreams with a start.  “Come in,” he said, clearing his throat. He wondered if maybe he shouldn’t be so quick to let people just walk into his room. God only knew what kind of crazies were in this place.

Joey poked his head in.  “Hey, Lance.”

“Is it WWF time already?”

“No. It’s dinnertime. You’ve been in here like three hours. I thought you’d like to walk down with me.  Chris said it would be okay. He likes to see us all get along.”

“Sure.” Lance stood and pulled his sneakers on.

“You could just throw on slippers or something…it’s just down the hall,” Joey said.

“I like my sneakers,” Lance replied, and Joey shrugged.

“Whatever.”  He and Lance stepped into the hallway. “So…what you in for?”

Lance turned his large green eyes onto Joey. “My parents think I need to rest. I’ve been through a lot of psychological trauma, and I needed time away. I was looking more for a vacation…but they took one look at me and thought mental facility.”

Joey’s eyes grew stormy. “Hey, Country Boy, we’re not all crackheads here.  Some of us are absolutely normal.”

Lance took a step back but did not look away from Joey’s face.  “I never said you weren’t.”

Joey clenched his fists and began to count to ten.  A sudden grin flashed across his handsome face. “I’m sorry, Lance. I really need to learn to control these freakouts I have.  I guess I’m not so normal after all.”

Lance shrugged and followed him down the hall.  “So…can I ask why YOU’RE here?”

“For entertainment,” Joey said with that grin. “Nah…I kinda killed someone.”

“You…kinda…killed someone?” Lance stopped walking.

“I’d rather not say anything more,” Joey mumbled.

“God, Joey…you don’t have to say anything you don’t want to,” Lance whispered. He wasn’t sure if Joey was kidding or not.

Joey threw an arm around Lance’s shoulders.  “You got nothing to worry about, Country Lance. I don’t kill the people I like. And I like you.”

“Great,” Lance whispered, allowing Joey to keep his arm around him as they entered the cafeteria.

There were about twenty-five tables with various aged young men sitting at them.  Joey led Lance to a table by the window.  Two young men were already seated there. One of them was an incredibly skinny brunette, who was writing in a notebook. The other looked up at Lance and his heart stopped.  Dark blue eyes stared at him curiously from underneath a mop of golden brown curls.  “Who’s the new kid?” The boy asked. Joey ignored him.

“Josh. Joshua.”

The brunette looked up from his notebook. “Oh, hi, Joey.”

“Josh, this is Lance. He’s new. I thought he could sit with us.”  Joey turned to Lance. “This is Josh.”

“JC,” Josh said firmly, and Joey rolled his eyes.

“This is Josh, who thinks he sounds more artsy by changing his name.”  Joey looked to the other boy. “And this rude piece of shit is Justin.”

“Hi. You play ball?”  Justin asked Lance, who shook his head.

“No.  I’m…not really an athlete,” Lance said quietly.  Justin quickly dismissed him and tried to steal Josh’s notebook.

“Knock it off, Timberlake,” Joey growled. He sat down next to Josh.  “Hey, Josh, I saw that we’re having ham for dinner tonight.  You like ham.”

“I’m not hungry.”  Josh continued to scribble.  Joey carefully took the pencil from Josh’s hand.  Josh looked at him with beautiful blue eyes.

“Josh, c’mon.  Today…a half a piece of ham and a few potatoes.  For me? For Lance. It’s his first day.  Just like half a plate.”

“I’m not hungry,” Josh repeated, but his tone was different.  Joey grinned.

“Cool.  Maybe I can even talk you into cookies or something later.”  Joey stood.  “Sit down, Lance. Me and Josh are gonna go talk to Mr. Richardson. He’s the dietician.”  Joey plucked at Josh’s sleeve.  “C’mon, Josh.”  Josh sighed and got to his feet, following Joey.

“So.  You’re Lance.” Justin stared at Lance, who fidgeted by the table.  “Sit.”  Lance sat.  “What’s your problem?”

“Right now I couldn’t even narrow it down to one,” Lance muttered, looking around the room.  He watched Chris Kirkpatrick and an orderly fight to get an older patient to finish eating without throwing his food all over the floor.

“Here you go,” an orderly said cheerfully, plunking plates of ham and potatoes down in front of Justin and Lance. “Eat up, boys.”

“Great,” Justin said enthusiastically. “The food’s actually really good here.”

“Then why doesn’t Josh wanna eat it?” Lance asked curiously.  Justin toyed with his fork.

“He…uh…doesn’t eat. He’s one step away from being force-fed.  Joey’s the only one who can sweet-talk him into eating.  Long story short…he was told by someone he cared about that he was fat…so for the past three years eating has been a major issue for him.”

“Jesus God,” Lance murmured, looking down at the steaming food on his plate.

“This looks good, huh, Josh?” Joey said as they sat down. He even cut Josh’s ham for him. “Dig in.”

“The name is JC,” Josh said, but he picked up his fork.

“So…my art’s acting.  JC’s is writing songs.  Justin sings. What do you do?”  Joey turned to Lance, who blushed.

“I…uh…nothing. I don’t do anything like that. I’m not creative.”  The lies flowed out easily.  “I have nothing to say in music or anything else.”

“Well, you’d better find something, or they’ll beat it out of ya,” Justin said cheerfully.  Lance shivered and Joey laughed.

“He’s just playing ya, Lance. They don’t do that.  As long as you behave, this place is one big party.”

“Hey, JC, better watch out.” A tall blond stopped by their table.

“Huh?” JC looked up from the miniscule bite of ham on his fork.

“They say there’s a strong wind about to come up today…you might just up and blow away, you lose any more weight.” The blond smirked and Joey was on his feet.

“You fucking take that back, infant. Take that back, Nick, before I make your blood part of the décor in here!” Joey yelled, grabbing Nick by the shirt.

“Joey!” Chris came flying over. “Joey, back off.  NOW.”

“But he said…” Joey’s hands clenched tighter.

“He did, Chris. Joey was only sticking up for JC,” Justin said insistently. “I heard it.”

“Me, too,” Lance added quickly, and JC looked up from his ham and smiled a little.

“Back…off…Joey,” Chris muttered. “Please. Don’t make me have to lock you down tonight.”

“No.” Joey released Nick. “But ONLY because it’s WWF night, you prick.”

“Carter, get your ass outta here and into my office,” Chris ordered.  “Mike!”  He waved an orderly over, who took the tall blond by the arm.

“I didn’t do nothing,” he muttered, but he allowed himself to be led out.  Chris turned to JC.

“Hey, Josh, you’re eating, man!” Chris knelt by JC’s chair. “Get that plate cleared off and have a cookie, and I might just let you into the studio for an extra hour tomorrow.”  JC’s face lit up and he picked up his fork once more.  Chris clapped him on the back.  “See you guys later. Behave, Joey.”

“He’s not bad,” Joey said admiringly. “For a doctor.”

“Carter’s such a dumbass,” Justin muttered.  He ran a hand through his curls and Lance froze in mid-bite.

“What are those?”  He pointed to Justin’s wrists.  Justin grinned and lazily pushed his sleeves up all the way.

“What do they look like? They’re scars, dork.”

“You tried to kill yourself?” Lance whispered and Justin shrugged.

“Yeah. Unfortunately I didn’t succeed. As usual, I can get nothing right.”

“You’re a dickhead.”  Lance shoved his plate away, got up from the table, and headed back to his room.

 

 

Lance stormed out of the cafeteria and headed back to his room. He just hoped he could remember which one it was. His heart was beating in his ears, and he was suddenly sweating.  He felt dizzy and he fell against the wall.

“Lance.  Lance!”  He heard footsteps and felt someone grab him by the shoulders.

“Go away.”  Lance shoved at the hands.  “Need…out of there…”

“Lance, you’re having some sort of panic attack. You need to calm down.”  Chris Kirkpatrick made Lance look him in the eye. “Look at me and calm down.  Just relax.”

Lance gave a lazy grin. “Relax. That’s why I’m here, right?  To relax.”  He tried to take a step and the room spun.

“Lance, c’mon. Walk with me.”  Chris put an arm around Lance’s waist. “Your room’s right up here.”

“Is he okay?” Joey came running up behind them.  “He just freaked, Chris.”

“We’re fine, Joey. Go back.”  Chris gave Joey a quick glance over his shoulder.

“But Chris…”

“Joey. Go back and take care of Josh,” Chris ordered.  Joey sighed and turned back around.  “What did they say to you?” Chris asked Lance in a low voice.

“Nothing…nothing…” Lance whispered, remembering the sight of those long scars across Justin’s wrists.  “I promise…they didn’t do anything…”

“Okay. Because I won’t stand for anyone tormenting anyone else.  I want everyone to get along…no one will improve their situation by fighting.”  Chris opened Lance’s door. “I’m gonna have one of the orderlies bring you a…”

“No!  No drugs. Please, Chris,” Lance almost sobbed.  “Not again…”

Chris looked at him wide-eyed. “No, Lance. I was gonna say I’ll have them bring you down some tea or something, to help you relax. I wasn’t going to medicate you.”

“Okay.”  Lance sat down on his bed. “After everything that happened, they made me take a sedative for weeks…I hated it. Hated feeling so out of it.”

Chris untied Lance’s shoes and swung his feet up on the bed.  “I understand, Lance. I really try not to medicate my guys here, unless it’s a situation that’s absolutely out of control.”  He sat on the edge of the bed.  “I’m young. I’m just barely thirty.  A lot of people don’t respect me, even though I have all the right initials after my name to be doing this job.  But I think being younger helps me try to understand you guys a little bit more.”

Lance’s heart hardened. He had heard all this before, doctors and psychologists telling him they understood him.  “Whatever,” he mumbled, looking away.

“But I know I can’t fully understand. I can’t understand what makes Joey so angry, or what makes Josh feel that he shouldn’t eat, or what makes Justin feel so awful about himself that he decided to take his own young life. He’s only twenty.”  Chris drew a shaky breath and Lance looked back at him.  “And I don’t know what you’re going through. I’ve read your folder, I know what you’ve experienced, but I can’t even imagine how it has affected you on the inside. And that’s what I’m here to help you sort out, okay?”  Lance said nothing, but he looked back at Chris.  “You just hang here for a while. If you wanna come out later and watch TV with us, we’d love to have you.” Chris stood and left Lance’s room.

Lance rolled onto his side and closed his eyes, trying to relax his heart rate. He couldn’t believe how easily it had all flooded back to him, and how he had reacted to the memory.

Someone knocked on his door about fifteen minutes later.  Lance called, “Come in,” figuring it was the orderly with his tea.

“Hi, Lance.”  Lance rolled over and saw Josh standing in the doorway. “Um, uh, can I come in?”

“Sure.”  Lance pushed himself into a sitting position.

“Are you okay?”  Josh still hadn’t come in the door. “I mean, I can just leave this out here and you can get it yourself and I’ll leave you alone.”

“No, Josh…I mean, JC…it’s okay.  Really.”

JC came in and closed the door behind him.  “I brought your tea.” He carefully sat the cup on Lance’s nightstand. “And you missed dessert. I don’t think it’s all that exciting…but you missed it.”  He put down two chocolate chip cookies.

“Thanks, JC. Sit down.” Lance nodded to the chair by the window. JC sat.

“The tea’s pretty good. I added honey…I hope you don’t mind. It’s great for your voice…and it’s soothing.” JC blushed.

“Of course I don’t mind. I’m from the South.  We love honey and sweet things.” Lance gave JC a gentle smile. “Thank you for bringing this down here.”

“You’re welcome.” JC shrugged slightly. “I owed you…for sticking up for Joey.”

“I was only telling the truth.  That Nick guy seems like a jerk.”

“He is. He and his friends like to make fun of me…for being so thin. But I don’t think I’m thin at all,” JC said, and Lance swallowed a comment.  “Joey always gets pissed off at them and stands up to them…he’s getting in trouble all the time because of it.”

“Joey seems to really care about you,” Lance said slowly.

“Yeah. He’s a great friend,” JC said with a dazzling smile.  Lance was amazed at how handsome JC was when he smiled.  “I love him a lot.”

“How long have you been here?” Lance asked.

“Six months. Joey kinda took me under his wing.  Justin, too, when he got here two months ago.  Joey likes to be the father figure.”  Lance looked at JC, who blushed. “Um, yeah. So, I’m gay.  I love Joey.  Just in case you didn’t figure that out.  But, you know, he’s not.  Gay, that is.”

Lance burst out laughing and JC looked hurt. “No!  Josh, I’m not making fun of you. I just…I thought everyone would be so secretive here, and you just outted yourself to me after knowing me for like an hour.”

“Oh, I guess that is kinda funny.  Well, I’ve been gay my whole life. It was never a big secret.  But me being gay is kinda what got me in here…but I don’t think I can tell you about that right now.”  JC blushed again.

“So…you write songs?” Lance changed the subject, motioning to JC’s notebook.

“Yeah.”  He handed Lance the notebook. “I’m really stuck on this one right now.”

Lance read the lyrics, then flipped to another page where JC had drawn makeshift music paper. “I just don’t understand why you’re running from a good man, baby…why you wanna turn your back on love…why you’ve already given up…see I know you’ve been hurt before…but I swear I’ll give you so much more…I swear I’ll never let you down…cuz I swear that it’s you that I adore…” Lance sang the words softly, an octave lower than JC had written them. “Wow, JC, this is so good.”

“Your voice is so good,” JC said in awe. “I’ve never heard my music sung by a bass before.  That sounded great.”  Lance blushed.  “You said you’re not artistic.”

“I said I have nothing to say,” Lance corrected him. “So…where are you stuck?”

“Towards the end.  After ‘Baby, believe in me.’  I can’t get what I want to say next.  Something about love being a crime or something.”

“If…if love was a crime then punish me…I would die for you…cuz I don’t want to live without you…” Lance sang softly.  JC’s eyes widened.

“That’s it. That’s totally it…then I can go back to the chorus and…” JC grabbed the notebook and scribbled down Lance’s words.  “Lance, you broke my writer’s block. Thank you so much!”  JC said gleefully.  “In the mornings I work out…gotta get this excess weight off…you wanna come down to the weight room with me?”

“Maybe,” Lance said, not believing his ears.  JC weighed maybe 120 pounds, and he thought he was overweight.  “What time?”

“I go down at seven. Breakfast is at eight-thirty.”  He stood.  “Are you gonna watch TV later?”

“I don’t know,” Lance replied.

“I hope you do. I can’t wait to work on this song!  Thanks, Lance.”  JC slipped out the door.

Lance smiled at JC’s enthusiasm. He wished he could get excited about something like that…or about someone. It had been too long. He wasn’t looking for that.  JC was perfectly happy to be around Joey, even though he knew that Joey would never feel the same for him.  Lance sighed and sipped at his tea. He let the honey flow over his tongue, then he lay back down.

 

 

Lance changed into a sweatshirt and sweatpants and went back out of his room around seven-thirty. He knew that everyone would be in the TV room by eight, and he wanted to steal a chair in a corner somewhere.  He wasn’t at all interested in the WWF, but he didn’t want to sit alone in his room, either.

“Lance.”  Lance heard a soft voice at his side. “Hi,” JC said shyly.

“Hey, JC,” Lance said.

“I don’t really watch this…but I have my notebook and stuff at that table over there.”  JC pointed to a small coffee table. There were comfortable chairs on either side. “Would you like to sit with me? We can talk quietly…as long as they can hear the TV, no one cares.”

“Okay,” Lance said with a shrug.  He followed JC to the table. “So…how’s the song coming?”

JC bestowed one of his beautiful smiles on Lance. “Great. You really broke down the wall for me.”

“Hey, Josh, this your diary?”  A large hand swiped the notebook before JC could stop him.

“Nick, give it back,” JC said wearily.

“I wanna see what you’re writing.”  The tall blond flipped through the pages.  Lance reached over and grabbed the notebook back.  He handed it to JC.

“He said he wanted it back, asshole,” Lance growled, standing up. He was a few inches shorter than Nick, but he didn’t care.

“Who the hell are you?”

“I don’t think that matters. Why do you have to pick on him?  You’re taller, you’re obviously stronger…leave him alone.”

“Look, dumbass, I don’t think you need to be jumping in here. I can make your life a living hell,” Nick said angrily. Lance swallowed deeply. “Why the hell you fighting for the fairy, anyway?  Is he your bitch now?”

“I think you need to shut the fuck up, Carter, before I make you MY bitch,” a voice said behind Nick. Nick turned around to see Justin Timberlake standing behind him. “I’d ream your ass good.”

“You’re not even gay, Timberlake, and you don’t frighten me.”  Nick took a step back.

“Hey, guys, everything okay here?” Chris ambled over.

“Yeah, everything’s fine.” Justin’s eyes never left Nick’s face. No one liked Nick, but it was an unspoken rule that you didn’t rat out any of the other patients.

“Lance? Josh?” Chris turned to them.  JC blushed and looked at the notebook in front of him.

“Fine,” Lance echoed. 

“Okay.  Keep it down, guys, okay?  The match is about to start and you know how some of these guys get.” Chris gave them each one more look then walked away.

“Motherfucker,” Nick said to Justin, then went over to his small group of friends.

“You guys okay?” Justin asked Lance and JC.

“We were fine. You didn’t need to get all tough and defend us,” Lance snapped, sitting back down.

“What the hell’s your problem? I was just trying to help.” Justin’s blue eyes stared a hole through Lance.

“Fine. Thank you.  Happy?”  Lance turned back to JC.  “Do you mind if I take a piece of paper, JC?”

“Sure…there are pens and stuff on that cabinet over there.”  JC motioned with his pencil.  Lance got up and went for a pen.

“Do you have a problem with me?” Justin asked Lance.  Lance looked at him for along moment, ignoring the beauty of the blue eyes, the softness of the curls.

“Unlike what you might think, the world doesn’t revolve around you.” Lance sat back down. “Hey, JC, I was thinking that instead of  working out tomorrow, maybe you could show me your studio?”

“My studio?” JC looked confused.

“I, uh, I heard Chris say something to you about getting into the studio.  Is it a recording studio or something?” Lance asked.  He continued to ignore Justin, who finally walked away, sulking.

“Oh, that.  It’s the music studio. It has a keyboard, a piano, and other instruments.  It’s where I spend most of my time.”

“Do you think Chris would let us go in there tomorrow before breakfast?” Lance asked.

“I’ll go over and ask him,” JC said eagerly, loving the idea of showing off his beloved studio.

Joey walked over as JC went to tap Chris on the shoulder.  “What’s going on?”

“JC asked me to work out with him tomorrow, but I asked him to show me the music studio instead,” Lance told him.  “I thought...well...he’s so obsessed with working out and being thin...and he doesn’t need it. I thought I’d talk him out of the gym.”

“Thanks, Lance.”  Joey gave Lance’s shoulder a squeeze.  “You can’t just say, hey, JC, you’re too thin. He shuts down.  Did...uh...he tell you why he’s in here?”

“No,” Lance said softly.  He kept one eye on JC, who was in an animated conversation with Chris.  “He did...um...mention he’s gay.”

“He told you that?” Joey looked surprised. “It took him three weeks to tell me.  He must trust you.”

“He seems...fragile,” Lance said, and Joey’s eyes softened as he watched JC.

“Yeah. That’s a good word. Fragile. You gonna watch with us?” Joey suddenly changed the subject.  Lance looked over to where Justin was sitting on the sofa.

“No. I’m gonna stay here with JC, if you don’t care.”

“I don’t care.” Joey squeezed Lance’s shoulder again and went to sit with Justin.

 

Lance lay awake in bed that night, listening to the complete silence of the hospital. He wasn’t used to this. He was used to having the windows open, hearing the insects chirping themselves to sleep.  Here the windows were barred and locked.  He got out of bed and went to his desk, staring out at the moon.  He closed his eyes and tried to remember what home would be like.

 

“James Lance, did you do your homework?”

“Yes, Mama,” seventeen-year-old Lance yelled down the steps. “I’m on the phone.”  He lay back down on the bed.  “Sorry.”

“No problem.  So, did you pick a college yet?”

“I’m thinking about State...or maybe going away to school.  University of Florida.”

“Wow, Lance, that’s far away,” his friend Matthew said.

“I know...but I need outta here. It’s too much anymore.”

“Yeah...hey, Lance...are you going to the prom?”

“I...” Lance stared at the ceiling. How could he word this?  “I’m not quite sure,” he said carefully.  “I don’t know anyone I want to take.”

“Me either,” Matthew replied. “Hey...we should just break all the rules and go together.”

“What?” Lance asked breathlessly.  Did Matthew know?

“We’re friends. Who says friends can’t go hang out together at a stupid school dance?”

“Yeah,” Lance said, grinning. “Okay.”

Lance’s dad grunted and groaned, and demanded to know why his son didn’t have a date for the prom, but he finally relented and let him borrow the car.  Lance and Matthew went to the prom together and had a wonderful time.  Then Lance went off to school in Florida, and Matthew stayed back in their tiny town, attending the local community college.  Lance came back when his mother caught a serious case of pneumonia, and they became friends once more. At age nineteen, Lance finally admitted to himself, and Matthew, that he was gay. By the time they were twenty, Matthew and Lance were a secret item.

 

Lance was shaken out of his daydreams by a thump against his door. He turned towards the sound, but it didn’t repeat.  He heard voices and scuffling, and realized that someone had gotten out of their rooms.  Chris had told him that for safety’s sake, they locked the patients in at night.  Lance sighed and slowly climbed back under the covers. He curled up into a ball and closed his eyes.  He heard his father’s voice. “I love you, Sport, but you’re testing that love.  Why can’t you be like all the other boys?”

And his mother.  “James Lance, you’re my baby and I love you...but...are you sure you’re not just going through some phase?”

And Matthew’s sweet voice.  “I love you, Lance.  Forever.”

Lance wrapped the words around his heart like a blanket and cried himself to sleep.

 

 

Lance was awake by six-thirty the next morning.  He heard a soft knock on his door precisely at seven.  He opened it to see JC standing on the other side. “Ready?”

“Yeah.”  Lance closed the door behind himself and followed JC down the hallway.

“They have a really nice piano. Do you play?”

“No,” Lance said. “I can read music, but I don’t play anything.”

“I can teach you, if you want.”  JC pushed the door open. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

Lance sat down at the black baby grand piano. “Yes,” he whispered, running his fingers over the keys.  JC sat down next to him.

“You can call me selfish...because I’m selfishly in love...” JC sang softly, playing the notes as he sang. Lance sighed.

“Your voice is amazing.  I can’t believe you’re not singing on the radio.”

“I’m not that good.  And...”

“You ARE that good.”  Lance looked at JC.  “Did you write this song for Joey?”  JC’s blush was answer enough.  “Did you ever ask him if he’s straight?”

“I’m twenty-five years old, Lance. I can figure out who’s straight and who isn’t.”  JC ran his hands up and down the piano keys. “Besides...he has a baby girl.  He can’t see her, you know, but he has one.”

“I’m sorry, JC.”  Lance didn’t know what to say.

“Okay...so this is middle C, okay?”  JC took Lance’s hand and put his index finger on middle C.

 

They reached the cafeteria by eight twenty-five.  Joey and Justin were already seated at a table for four.

“So, I guess I’ll see you later, okay?” Lance said to JC.  JC looked at him.

“Are you embarrassed to be my friend?”

“God, no!”  Lance said, surprised. “I just…I don’t think Justin and I are gonna be close friends.  It might get weird. Why would I be embarrassed to be your friend?”

“A lot of people are…because I’m gay and all.” JC shrugged his thin shoulders.  He lowered his voice.  “Someone…um…lied to me…about being my friend. He made me think he liked me…and then…it was all a lie.  A lie to hurt me because I’m gay.”

“Josh…I’m sorry…” Lance whispered. “Sure, man. I’ll sit with you.”

“Morning, campers,” Joey said with his bright smile. “Hey, Josh, guess what? They’re making oatmeal today!”

“Oh, how disgusting.” JC fell into his chair.

“But…I got Richardson to sneak me some raisins AND brown sugar for it,” Joey said. “I bet that will taste really good.”

“Get some, JC,” Lance suggested. “I’ve never had oatmeal with raisins and brown sugar in it,” he lied. “I wanna try some.  We could share it.  I usually put honey on mine.”

“I’ve never had it with honey before,” JC admitted.

“Cool. Two oatmeals, coming up.  Stay seated, gentlemen.  Joey Fatone is here to serve.”  Joey put a paper napkin over his arm and strutted over to the food window like a waiter. JC giggled and blushed. 

“What were you two up to this morning?” Justin asked JC.

“I was showing Lance the piano studio. He likes music,” JC said eagerly. “And he…”

“I just wanted to see what JC was into,” Lance interrupted.  “No big deal.”

“You a singer?”  Justin leaned his chair back on two legs.  His curly hair was hidden under a blue bandanna, and he wore an oversized sweatshirt and baggy jeans.  He looked a lot younger than his twenty years.

“No,” Lance said quickly, shooting JC a look. JC stared at the table, saying nothing.

“Here we go, guys.”  Joey carefully set a tray down. On the tray were four steaming bowls of oatmeal, four glasses of apple juice, and brown sugar, raisins, milk and a small cup of honey for the oatmeal.

“Thanks, Joe.” Justin quickly grabbed his oatmeal. “What I wouldn’t give for a good bowl of cereal right now,” he moaned, pouring milk onto his oatmeal.

“Deal with it,” Joey retorted.  “Be happy you have food to eat.” As he talked, he dumped a pile of raisins and brown sugar onto JC’s oatmeal. “Dig in, kid.”

“Right.”  JC stirred the oatmeal, swallowing hard.

“Just eat half,” Lance reminded him. “I get the other half, and then you can taste mine.” He poured an ample amount of honey over the white substance in his bowl.

“Right,” JC said. Joey stared at Lance, then gave him a small grateful smile. 

“Lance.”  Chris walked up to the table. “After you’re done eating…can you meet me in my office?  We need to set up a group schedule for you, as well as your private interviews.”

“Right,” Lance said sadly. For a while, he had forgotten where he was. It felt almost like being back in school.  “I’ll be right there.”

“Good.  Justin…we on for a game later?”  Chris clapped Justin on the back.

“You bet. I’m feeling good today.” Justin stretched and made a muscle.

“Whatever, Curly.” Chris went to talk to Nick Carter and his friends.

“You guys wanna play?” Justin asked the others.  “Joe?  Josh?”

“No, thanks. I think I wanna work on this song,” JC said softly, glancing at Joey.

“I can’t. I gotta work in the kitchen this morning…for that little outburst with Carter.”

“But I thought Chris knew you were only defending JC!” Lance exclaimed.

“He does. But he can’t give me special treatment. Trust me, Chris knows that Carter is a real dick,” Joey said. “It’s only washing dishes. No big deal.  Why don’t you play with them?”

Lance hadn’t missed the fact that Justin had ignored him.  “No.  I’m no athlete, remember?”

“Right,” Joey said, nodding.  Lance looked at Justin, who had pushed his sleeves up to keep them from getting into his oatmeal.  The scars were still vivid, even after two months.  Lance felt his oatmeal coming back up.

“Lance, are you okay?  You look green,” JC said, freezing in mid-bite.

“I’m…fine…gonna be sick…” Lance jumped up from the table and ran into the kitchen with an orderly on his heels.

“You can’t go in there, kid!” The orderly yelled.  Lance barely made it to a sink before his breakfast came back up.  “Okay, you can,” the orderly said, rubbing Lance’s back. “You okay, dude?”

“Yeah…just…felt sick.”

“Do you need to go back to your room? I can have something brought to you there.”

“No. I have a meeting with Dr. Kirkpatrick. I’ll just go back and clean up, then head to his office.”  Lance wiped the back of his mouth with his hand. 

“You sure you’re okay?”

“Fine.”  Lance went back into the cafeteria.  JC, Joey and even Justin stood as he approached the table.

“Jesus, man, you okay?” Joey asked, concerned.

“I’m fine. I just…stress makes me sick,” Lance said weakly.  “I’m sorry.”

“I guess you don’t want the rest of my oatmeal, then,” JC said, and Lance grinned.

“No, I don’t. Next time.  Eat mine, though, okay, JC? Just taste it,” Lance said.  He filled a spoon and handed it to JC.  JC unhappily took the spoon and ate its contents.  “Good.”  Lance left the cafeteria.

 

“I heard you had a bit of a problem at breakfast,” Chris said when Lance came into his cluttered office. “You okay now?”

“Fine,” Lance said, sitting down.  “I…I saw Justin Timberlake’s scars.  That’s what freaked me out yesterday, and then I saw them again today.”

“Ah.”  Chris nodded. “I see.  Well, I was gonna put you in group with Joey, Justin, Josh, Nick Carter, and a few of the other guys.  Will that be a problem?”

“Not if I don’t have to talk to Justin.”  Lance’s eyes swam with tears. “I hate to act this way, but I can’t…”

“Relax, Lance. You’ll only get yourself worked up again,” Chris said in an amazingly gentle voice.  “We’ll put you in that group…it meets every day at one.  If there’s a problem, we’ll move you.  And you and I will meet…how’s eleven-thirty?”

Lance smiled. Like he had a really full calendar or something.  “That’s fine.”

“About your activities…we encourage everyone to find something positive to fill their time here. We’re not just all about meetings and groups and therapy.”  Chris’ brown eyes met Lance’s green gaze. “What are you into?”

“I like music…but I don’t want to perform or anything.  This morning, JC started to teach me how to play the piano. I was wondering if we could keep doing that.”

“That’s a great idea, Lance.  It will put him in the studio more often, and he seems to be a very patient man. He’s gotta be, putting up with Joey Fatone the way he does,” Chris said with a grin.

“Can I ask you something about Joey?”

“You know information about patients is confidential,” Chris warned.

“No. Nothing like that…JC said Joey has a daughter. Is that true?”

“Yes, it is.  She’s back up in New York with her mother.”

“Okay.”  Lance paused.  “I’m really good at organizing things…maybe I could…work for you or someone else?”

Chris looked around his nightmare of an office. “Are you trying to say I’m a slob, Lance?”

“No!” Lance started to protest, then he noticed Chris’ grin.

“That would be fine, Lance.  You can work in here three mornings a week, how’s that?  You and Josh can do your practicing before breakfast, like you did today.”

“Okay, cool.  Thanks, Chris.”

Chris leaned back in his chair. “Can we just go over one thing right now?”

“Sure.” Lance fidgeted uncomfortably.

“Tell me about Matthew.”

“Doesn’t it say everything in my little folder there?” Lance asked coldly.

“It says that you and he were involved. It says that he killed himself because of that involvement.  Is that true?”

 

 

Lance stared at Chris for a long moment. “Lance, if you don’t…we can wait until tomorrow, when we start our interviews together,” Chris said gently.

“What else does it say?” Lance asked in a choked voice.

“It says that you were friends…and it grew into something more. It says that you were secretly involved for almost two years…then someone found out and Matthew couldn’t handle it.  This is all from your doctor at home, as well as your parents.”

“My parents?” Lance laughed. “Oh, I can guess what they said. My dad told you that Matthew seduced me, that I was a, quote, normal kid, unquote, until Matthew got a hold of me.  My mother cried and told you that Matthew was a nice boy, but that I was just going through a phase…that I was a little lost as to what I was supposed to be.”

“Tell me your side,” Chris said quietly.

“My side? Matthew was amazing.  When I was with him, nothing else mattered. I could get through anything…even hiding my real self from everyone I cared about.  He was all I needed.  Then…one of his cousins walked in on us kissing…and she told everyone.  We only ever kissed, you know.  We were both too shy to push it further. We were waiting until we could save up money to move out of that assbackwards town and find a place together.  His mother…she screamed at him.  I met him a few times after that…tried to tell him we could get through it…but it wasn’t enough.”  Lance didn’t even notice the tears falling down his cheeks. “Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“I want to hear whatever you feel like telling me,” Chris said.  “That’s all, Lance. You don’t have to tell me anything more than that.”  Chris walked around his desk and hugged Lance.  “We’re done here for now.  Go ahead and go back to your room.”  Lance wiped away his tears and left Chris’ office.

 

Lance walked out into the courtyard, letting the morning sun bathe his face. He wandered over to a tree near the basketball court, watching to make sure Justin didn’t see him. He hid behind the tree, peeking around as Chris came jogging out of the main building in a tshirt and sweatpants.

“Your ass is SO mine, Doc,” Justin said, bouncing the ball.

“Let’s see if your game is as big as your mouth is, Curly,” Chris taunted, slapping the ball back when Justin checked it to him.

Lance’s eyes followed Justin’s every move.  The curls peeked out from under the bandanna, teasing Lance with their brightness. He watched the strong legs under the shorts, muscles pumping as he chased Chris around the court.  Justin’s smile was like the sun as Chris fouled him, and he laughed out loud.  Lance closed his eyes, remembering another beautiful smile and another pair of blue eyes.

 

“Lance, do you really think we could get a place together in the city?” Matthew asked, leaning against Lance as they sat in the shade behind Matthew’s house.

“Sure. Why not?  We’ll have two incomes…and eventually you can go back to school and…”

“No, Lance. YOU can go back to school.  You’re smarter than me, anyway. I’ll pick up a couple of jobs to support us…and when you graduate, THEN I’ll think about going back.”

Lance smiled at Matthew. “You’re great, do you know that?”

“You keep telling me,” Matthew said, blue eyes twinkling.  Lance leaned down and their lips met.

“Matt?”  A young female voice gasped.  Matthew pulled away from Lance and turned around. His fifteen-year-old cousin Rachel was staring at him.

“Rache…” Matthew began, but she took off for the house.  Matthew got up and ran after her.

“Matthew!”  Lance yelled.  Matthew ignored him and Lance let his head slam back against the tree they had been sitting under.

 

“Lance!”  Lance jolted awake as pain seared through his head.  “Oh, God, kid, are you okay?” Chris knelt before him, gently touching his head.  “I’m so sorry. The ball slipped outta my hands and came flying over here.”

“It’s okay.”  Lance slowly stood.

“Are you dizzy?  Do you need to go to the infirmary?”  Chris asked.

“I’m fine,” Lance said.  Justin skidded to a stop in front of them.

“Dude, are you okay?”

“Do you care?” Lance snapped, and Justin took a step back.

“Whoa, dude, sue me for asking.”  Justin began to dribble the ball.

“Justin, why don’t you help Lance back into his room, okay?” Chris asked.  Lance stepped away from them both.

“I said, I’m fine, Chris. I don’t need his help. Actually, I don’t need help from ANYONE here.  Can’t you see that? I went through hell…and it’s up to me to find my way back. And no amount of counseling or group therapy or artistic expression is gonna make it better again!”  Lance ran back into the building.

 

 

Lance sat down at his desk and began a dutiful letter to his mother.  He was angry and tired and already feeling insane, but he decided to do what she’d expect. He told her about Josh and Joey and Chris, and how nice they all were. He carefully omitted Justin. He talked about Josh teaching him piano, and that he’d be working in Chris’ office.

“Lance?” Chris knocked as he opened the door. “Can we talk?  I didn’t see you at lunch.”

“I have nothing to say,” Lance said without turning around.  “And I wasn’t hungry.”

“Okay, then I’ll talk. I know you feel that I can’t help you, that you don’t need this place. I know you feel that a ten weeks on a beach would have done a helluva lot more good than being here. But you are here…and you’ll need to deal with it. I don’t want you to be another Joey. I don’t want you here this time next year.”

“Then sign my ass outta here now,” Lance grumbled, staring out the window.

“I can’t do that and you know it, Lance,” Chris said softly. “Give it a try, okay? I’ve seen how you’re already fitting in with Joey and JC…just keep trying, okay?”

“Fine,” Lance muttered.  He heard Chris begin to leave.

“Don’t forget.  Group therapy at one.  Upstairs, second room on the courtyard side.” Chris closed the door after himself, then opened it again.  “And one more thing.  I’ll excuse your absence from lunch this one time.  But I can’t play favorites. You need to be there, even if you’re not gonna eat. House rules.”  Chris left.

 

Lance slowly walked up the steps to the second floor. This floor was very quiet compared to the activity of the first floor.  He saw Justin and JC walking into a room down the hall, and he figured that’s where he was supposed to go. He also saw Nick Carter and another young man walk in. 

“Hey, Lance.”  JC waved at him.  Folding chairs were set up in a circle.  “Sit here.”

“Yeah, Lance, sit here,” Nick mimicked.  “Protect the fairy.”

“Carter, what does it take to get through your thick empty head that if you keep picking on Josh, me and Joey will kick your ghetto ass?” Justin snapped, standing up.

“Justin, don’t,” JC said, tugging at Justin’s hand.  “Really.”

“Was I talking to you, Timberlake?” Nick shot back, but he didn’t say anything more. 

The seat that JC motioned to was between Justin and JC.  Lance sighed and sat down. He would have sat on JC’s other side, but he figured JC was saving that seat for Joey.  “I’m sorry that the ball hit you,” Justin said without looking at Lance.  “I tried to yell, but it was too late.”

“Not your fault,” Lance said shortly, gratefully for the long-sleeved tshirt that Justin was wearing.

Chris came in and shut the door behind him. It opened quickly. “Ha ha, Chris. I know you saw me running down the hall.” Joey gave the room a smile and headed for the seat next to JC. “How ya doing, Jayce?”

“I just saw you at lunch, Joe,” JC said, rolling his eyes.  But he smiled at the attention Joey was giving him.

“Okay, guys, I wanna introduce our new guy. Most of you know him, but I want to do it anyway.” Chris stood in the middle of the circle.  “This is Lance Bass, he’s here for ten weeks, from Mississippi.”

“I thought they shot crazy people in Mississippi,” Nick Carter said.  His friend hid a smile.

“No, just stupid people, so it’s real good you’ve never been there,” Lance snapped before he thought. He heard Justin’s chuckle and blushed.

“He’s NOT crazy, Nick. NONE of you are,” Chris said.  “Lance, you know Justin, Joey and Josh.  This is Nick, as you’ve obviously gathered, and Alex McLean.”  Alex McLean, a short man with dark hair and eyes, smiled at Lance. Lance shivered under the smile.  He looked like the killer, not Joey.  “Okay, so, Lance. Anything you wanna say?”

“No,” Lance whispered, wishing the ground would open up and swallow him.  Talking about Matthew with Chris was one thing. Talking about him in front of everyone else…that was different.  JC would understand, but the others wouldn’t.  Joey, maybe, but definitely not Justin.  And Nick had made it perfectly clear about what he thought of homosexuality.

“Who had the floor when we ended last time?” Chris asked, sitting down next to Nick.

“Josh did,” Joey said. He squeezed JC’s knee.  “Can you do it again?”

JC nodded.  He glanced at Lance. “You weren’t here, so I’ll do a recap.  Basically…I’m gay, which you know. This guy…his name was Brian.  He was cute and everything…and I was shocked when he started to pay attention to me. I never thought I was much of anything.”

“You’re not,” Nick muttered, and Chris silenced him with a glare.

“So…we got together and everything…and it was great.”  JC looked around. Obviously this was where he had stopped.  “But then he starts suggesting things to me. Like maybe I spend too much time writing. I should be out playing sports and getting in shape. So I start playing basketball with him.  We played every morning.  And then he said he noticed my jeans were getting tight, and maybe I needed to lose weight. So I started to diet.”  JC swallowed deeply. “I tried dieting, it didn’t work. So I became one of those people you read about in magazines. I’d make myself throw up, anything to keep my body from digesting the fat and pounds.”

“Jesus,” Lance heard Justin whisper. Even Nick was completely silent.

“And Brian still said I was fat. He stopped trying to get me into bed with him, saying I was disgusting.  I did everything I could think of, because he was right. I was huge.”

“How much did you weigh, Josh?” Chris asked gently.

“About one thirty-five, maybe,” JC replied, and Lance felt sick.

“So I kept trying and trying…wanting to keep Brian with me. He was the first boyfriend I ever had…” JC closed his eyes as tears threatened to fall.

“Jayce, you don’t have to keep going,” Joey said, holding JC’s slender hand. “You can tell it another time.  You’ve been here six months and you’re just starting to open up. That’s good enough.”

“No,” JC said firmly. “I want you…to know…I want everyone to know.”  JC opened his eyes.  “When I ended up in the hospital, I found out the truth.  Brian and his friends had planned the huge joke. They thought I was weak and gay and just plain disgusting…and they wanted to see how far they could push me.  He wasn’t gay…and he didn’t want me…and it was all a lie.”

“Josh…” Joey whispered in a choked voice. It was obvious he didn’t know that part.

“Josh, thanks for talking about that. You didn’t have to…and I’m proud of you.”  Chris turned his dark eyes on JC and smiled. JC shrugged and wiped at his tears.  Joey didn’t let go of his hand.  “Who’s next?  Nick?”

“I don’t understand why we have to go through this all the time,” Nick muttered. “We’ve all heard most of this shit anyway…it’s just like a rerun or something.”

“Lance hasn’t heard it,” Chris reminded him. “And it’s good to rehash some of this stuff…get past it in more ways than one.”

“Whatever.”  Nick’s sneaker scuffed the floor. “Okay, so, yeah, I come from a big family. I’m the oldest of five.  And I’m pretty much ignored at home. So…uh…when my brother and sisters were at my grandmother’s, I set the house on fire.  My mom was in it. Unfortunately, she survived.”

“Nick,” Chris said in a warning tone.

“What? It’s true. If she was out of the picture, my dad would stop drinking, and we’d all be a lot happier. She’s a bitch.”

“That explains a lot,” Lance muttered, and JC laughed out loud.  Everyone looked at him.

“You laughing at me, fairy?” Nick snapped, his earlier sympathy forgotten.

“No,” JC whispered.

“So, Justin, we haven’t heard from you in a while. Ready to talk some?” Chris asked, glancing at the clock. “We have time.”

Justin sighed. “Y’all know the truth.  I tried to kill myself, and, as usual, I fucked it up.”

“You’re so damn stupid,” Lance thought, then realized he had spoken out loud.

“What did you say?” Justin asked, his blue eyes narrowing.

“Did you even THINK before you did that?” Lance asked.

“What?  You think I’m too dumb to get it right?”

“No, I think you’re dumb to even have tried it.”  Lance turned in his chair, his green eyes blazing furiously.  “What happened, Justin?  You didn’t get the star position on the basketball team at college? Did your little cheerleader break up with you?”

“You don’t know fuck about me,” Justin growled, standing up. Lance stood as well.

“Yes, I do. I know you were so chickenshit that you took the easy way out of whatever you were dealing with. Instead of being a man, you tried to escape.  Did you think about who you were leaving behind, Justin? Did you think about what the people who loved you would have to deal with?”

“I…”

“Shut up!” Lance almost yelled.  “Who found you, Justin? Who found you lying in your own blood?  Was it your mom? Your sister? Your brother? Or maybe your little girlfriend, who had to hold you in her arms and beg you to live because she just couldn’t go on without you!”

“Lance, enough!”  Chris shouted, putting a hand on Lance’s arm. Lance threw the hand off before he knew what he was doing.

“Don’t even try to understand me, you freak,” Justin said, shoving Lance in the chest. Chris kept him from falling. “You don’t know anything about me or my life.”

“You’re right. And I don’t want to. I don’t want anything to do with a heartless, spineless coward.”  Lance turned to look at Chris. He was shaking.  “Can I leave?”

“I’ll go with him.”  Alex McLean stood up. “I can show him the art studio.”

“Okay,” Chris said with a sigh.  He helplessly watched Lance stomp out of the room.

 

 

“You like art?” Alex said over his shoulder as they went down the steps.  Lance shrugged.

“There aren’t a lot of art museums in the town where I live,” Lance said.  “Artistic things weren’t that important.”

“Well, I paint.”  Alex pushed the art studio door open. “Most people wouldn’t think it to look at me, but I paint.”  Alex led Lance to an easel in the back.

“Wow,” Lance said, looking from the easel to the bowl of fruit on the table. “That’s good.”

“Nah. That’s crap.”  He went to another easel and flipped the sheet off of it. “THIS is what I really like to do.”

Lance stared at the pack of wolves that seemed to jump right out of the painting.  A snowy wood was half-finished in the background.  “Wow, Alex, this is amazing,” Lance whispered. “I can’t even draw a straight line with a ruler.”

“Thanks,” Alex said modestly. His dark eyes turned onto Lance. “So…Lance…you don’t like Timberlake, I guess?”

“I have no patience for people who try to kill themselves to make things easier,” Lance said softly.

“I’m impressed,” Alex said with a grin. He was suddenly very close to Lance.  “Very impressed.”  He ran a finger down Lance’s arm.

“Look, Alex…”

“Call me AJ.  All my friends do.”

“Alex…I appreciate you bringing me down here and all…but whatever you’re suggesting, I’m really not interested in.”  Lance felt the heat of AJ’s gaze and shivered slightly.

“Okay. I can respect that.”  AJ stepped away, but not before his hand strayed over Lance’s crotch.  “But if you need…anything…you can come to me, okay? I’m discreet.”

“Um, okay,” Lance said.

“And if you ever wanna sit with me and Nick, feel free. I know those other guys can get pretty annoying sometimes.”

Lance didn’t think Joey and JC were annoying, but he had only been in the place a few days. “I’ll remember that.”

“I’m gonna stay down here for a bit and paint. You wanna try? I can get you an easel.”

“No, thank you. Like I said, no artistic ability,” Lance said.  AJ smiled.

“Maybe sometime you could model for me. I’d love to capture the green of your eyes.”

“Maybe,” Lance said lamely. He went out of the art studio, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.  He ran smack into Chris.

“Mind telling me what that was all about?” Chris asked icily.

“I didn’t mean to, Chris,” Lance said, all his earlier anger forgotten.  “Justin’s right. I know nothing about him and I had no right to say what I said.”

“Well, you need to apologize to him.”

“I will,” Lance promised.

“And you’re going to get along with him, because you’re going to be spending a lot of time with him.”  Lance gave Chris a questioning look. “I’ve decided I don’t need you to work in my office, Lance.”

“But, Chris…” Lance protested.

“I have something else that needs done.  Justin works in the library every day, and you’re going to be working there, too.  He’s putting all the books on a database for us, and you’re going to help him.”

“Me?” Lance squeaked. “I can’t work with him like that, Chris.”

“You’re going to have to, Lance.”  Chris looked at Lance. “Or are you a coward who can’t face his problems?”

Lance bit back the ‘fuck you’ that was on the tip of his tongue.  He looked away from Chris. “Fine,” he muttered.

“I think you need to spend the rest of the afternoon in your room, Lance.  Your little show up there worried me.”

“Chris, I’m fine,” Lance promised.  “I…

“I’ll have dinner sent down to you, okay?”  Chris said.  “Go on.”

Lance bit back another ‘fuck you’ and almost stomped down the hallway to his room. He fell onto the bed, angrily cursing under his breath.  He picked up the pillow and buried his face with it.  He fell asleep with it covering his face.

“Ya know, if you wanna kill yourself, self-suffocation with a dangerous pillow isn’t the way to go,” a voice said in the doorway.

“Wha?”  Lance asked, yawning and stretching. He moved the pillow and saw Joey standing in the doorway.

“Why am I suddenly your waiter all the time?” Joey asked, bringing the tray in.  “Seriously, though, I asked Chris if I could bring this down.”  He set the tray on the nightstand.  “You okay, Lance?”

“Yeah, I, uh, I need time to get used to all this. I’m a private person…I’m not used to wearing my heart on my sleeve and then discussing it,” Lance said, taking a slurp of his vegetable soup.  “Like JC today…man…”

“I know,” Joey said softly. “I didn’t know all that. Jayce never told me.”

“Jayce?”

“I won’t call him JC, just to mess with him. But sometimes I call him Jayce, you know, J…C…”

“Right,” Lance said, nodding.

“I wish I could find this Brian kid and beat the fucking shit out of him, you know?” Joey said softly. His large hands clenched into fists.  “I mean, Josh…he’s special, you know? And fragile, like you said. He’s fragile and beautiful and not the kind of person you fuck around with. He takes it all personal.”

“You really care about him, don’t you?” Lance asked. Joey blushed.

“Well, yeah, man. He’s my best friend here, next to Justin.  Josh is something…good.  Good like I’ll never be,” Joey said mystically.  He stood.  “I’ll let you dig into the soup.  I actually got Josh to eat a whole bowl tonight.”

“Good!”  Lance exclaimed.

“I’ll see you later,” Joey said, smiling as he left the room.

 

Lance had horrible dreams that night. He dreamt of the day of Matthew’s death, when he knocked on the door of Matthew’s house, but no one answered.  He heard a radio, so he figured Matthew was home. “Matthew?” He called. Matthew refused to take his phone calls, and it was incredibly awkward when they saw each other in town. Everyone seemed to know the secret.  Lance ran through the house, looking in rooms. “Matthew?”

Lance knocked on the bathroom door. “Matthew? You in the shower?”  No answer.  Lance looked down and absently noticed that the carpet near the bathroom door was slightly stained red. Red.  “Matthew!” Lance screamed. He pushed against the door and it finally burst from the hinges.  Lance carefully pulled the door out of the way. “Matthew…oh, God…baby…” Lance picked Matthew’s body up, cradling it in his arms.  “Why…baby…I love you…” Lance pressed a towel against the gashes on Matthew’s wrists, but it wasn’t helping.

“I can’t…Lance…can’t do it…sorry…” And Matthew was gone.  No I love you, no goodbye…just an apology.

 

Lance woke with a yell.  Sweat was dripping off his forehead, and his heart was pounding.  He sat up and slowly stood. He went to the bathroom and took a long drink of water.  After he had calmed down, he went back to bed, where he dreamt of Alex McLean painting with Nick Carter as a model, while Justin Timberlake shot baskets in the background.

 

Lance awakened to a knock on the door. He groaned as he opened his eyes.  His small clock said seven.  “Yeah?” He called, sitting up. He hadn’t slept well.

“Hey, it’s me.” JC poked his head in the door. “I was gonna head down to the music room…I didn’t know if you wanted to start your piano lessons today.”

“I didn’t sleep very well last night,” Lance said. “So I don’t think I’d be a good student today.”

“Okay,” JC said, but his disappointment was obvious.

“If you give me five minutes, though, I’ll get ready and come down with you,” Lance said.  JC smiled.

“Okay.” JC sat down at Lance’s desk.  Lance went into the bathroom, then came out to change. “I won’t look at you,” JC said, making sure he was facing the window.

“I don’t care, JC.”  Lance quickly pulled on jeans and searched for a tshirt. He froze as he put his hand on a dark purple shirt.  It was one of Matthew’s favorites, and he had given it to Lance.

“Lance, are you okay?” JC turned slightly. “My God, you’re so pale.”

“I’m…uh…fine…” Lance said weakly, pulling the shirt over his head. He closed his eyes, then opened them. “Fine.”

 

JC and Lance spent an hour in the music room.  Lance flipped through various books of songs while JC worked on the one he was writing. “I think it sounds really good,” Lance said as they walked down to the cafeteria.  “Not that I’d know.”

“People who ‘know’ about music never seem to really know what they’re talking about,” JC said. “It’s the ‘normal’ people, the ones who listen to music for enjoyment…that’s the opinion I want.”

“Well, I guess that’s my opinion, then,” Lance said with a smile.

“Hey, Lance, sit here,” Alex McLean called.  JC looked at Lance.

“Are you guys friends now?”

Lance shrugged. “He was nice to me yesterday.”  He looked over to where Joey was sitting with Justin. “I think I’ll sit with him. For today.  I’ll see you later, okay, JC?”

“Okay.” JC gave Alex McLean one more worried glance, then went to sit next to Joey.

“Hey, Lance, how are ya?” Alex asked.  “I’d skip the eggs if I were you. They’re runny today.”

“Thanks for the warning.”  Lance went up to the window and got himself some oatmeal and toast. He sat next to Alex.

“So…what were you and the fairy up to?” Nick asked.  Lance sighed and made himself be calm.

“Me and JC were in the music studio. He’s teaching me to play the piano,” Lance said.

“Are you sure he’s not teaching you anything else?”

“Nick, knock it off,” Alex snapped. He smiled at Lance. “That sounds cool.  I’ve heard him play. He’s good.”

“Yeah, well, he’s gonna have to be a good teacher, to get me to learn anything like that,” Lance said. He looked over to where JC was laughing at something Joey was saying. Justin was sulking in his seat. He looked over at Lance and glared for a moment, then looked away.

“So…I hear you’re working for the good doctor,” Nick said. Lance shook his head.

“No.  Plans have changed. I got moved to the library.”

“I swear, this place is worse than prison sometimes,” Nick muttered. “You have no freedom.”

“Nick, if it wasn’t for this place, you’d BE in prison,” AJ reminded him, grinning. “You WERE convicted of arson.”

“At least I wasn’t convicted of killing anyone,” Nick said, glaring at AJ. AJ shrugged.

“Hey, they deserved it.”

Lance didn’t want to know.  “I thought this was a mental hospital.”

“It is…but if you’ve done something illegal and they think some sort of mental imbalance is the cause, they use this place as a last resort before prison,” AJ told him.  “Did you do something illegal?”

“No,” Lance whispered. “I’m just fucked in the head.”

“Aren’t we all?” AJ asked, toasting Lance with his juice.

“I think I might sign myself out today,” Nick said.  AJ laughed.

“Carter, you say that every day.  And where the hell will you go?”  AJ asked.  “You’ll be arrested again before you get to the end of the driveway.”  AJ looked at Lance. “That’s why no one leaves, Lance. Because they don’t have anywhere to go.”

Lance thought about that. He could sign himself out…but his parents wouldn’t want to take him in if he did that.  “Right,” Lance said with a sigh.

 

Lance went into the library. It was a fairly large rooms, with bookcases lining the walls.  A man of Hispanic descent approached Lance.  “Hi.  I’m Mr. Dorough…and I kinda take care of the library.”

“I’m Lance…I’m supposed to be working here.”

“Oh, right.  Chris told me you’d be showing up.  Justin?”  Mr. Dorough called.  Justin poked his head out of a tiny office. “Lance is here to help you.”

“Great,” Justin muttered. Lance glared at him.  “C’mon in here.”

“I’ll check in on you in a bit,” Mr. Dorough said.

Lance followed Justin into the office. “Okay, so Mr. D wants all the books on the computer so he can keep track of them. I’ve been working on it for about three weeks, but it’s hard for just one person, because I have to reshelf as I go.”  Justin sat back down at the computer.

“Justin…I’m sorry I blew up at you. I don’t know you or your situation and I had no right to jump on you like that.”

Justin looked surprised at Lance’s apology.  “Um, that’s okay. I know it’s kinda weird, getting thrown into this place and dealing with it all.”  Justin gave him a small smile. “It’s already forgotten.”

“Good.”  Lance didn’t smile back. “What do you want me to do?”

“Um…take that stack of books and put them out on the shelves.  They’re set up like a real library…with the number system and all.”

“Okay.”  Lance staggered under the stack, but he carried them all back out into the library.

 

“So…how did it go with Justin this morning?” Chris asked as he ran into Lance in the hallway.

“Fine. I apologized.”

“Good,” Chris said. “Thank you.  He’s not so bad, Lance.”

“Right,” Lance mumbled.  Chris started to speak, then changed his mind.

“See you later, Lance,” was all Chris said. He headed on down the hall.

JC poked his head out of his door. “Lance!  I’m so glad to see you.”  JC grabbed Lance and pulled him into his room. “I finished it!”

“Finished what, JC?”

“The song.  The one I’m writing for…you know…” JC blushed slightly.  “I think I can get Chris to let us into the studio later. I can’t wait to play it for you.”

“I know he’ll love it, JC,” Lance said gently.

JC studied his feet.  “I’m not gonna tell him it’s for him…I mean, Joey’s not like that, you know?  But I had to write it for him.”

“How cute,” a voice said from the doorway.  They whirled around and saw Nick Carter smirking as he leaned against the wall.  “You wrote a song for Joey?”

“Nick, how long have you been there?” Lance demanded.

“Long enough to hear that our fairy has a thing for Fatone,” Nick said with a grin.  He looked down the hallway. “JOEY Fatone!”  Nick raised his voice and Lance’s eyes widened.

“Nick, don’t,” he begged. He saw JC grab onto his chair to steady himself.

“What about Joey Fatone?” Joey asked, reaching JC’s room. “Jayce?”

“It seems our little composer here has the hots for you, Joe.  Seems that he wrote a song for you,” Nick said with a smile. “He’s been pining away with love for you.”

“Shut up, Carter,” Joey snapped.  He turned to JC. “Jayce?”

“I think you all need to leave,” JC whispered.  “Now.”

Lance gave Nick an angry shove. “You’re an asshole, Carter. I’ve been here only a few days and I knew that immediately. Why do you have to be such a prick?”

“Josh, c’mon, man, talk to me,” Joey said softly.  JC closed the door in his face.

“Go away, Joey,” came the muffled reply.  Joey turned and had Nick up against the wall by his throat within a few seconds.  Justin came running down the hall, skidding to a stop next to Lance.

“I would LOVE to wipe this hallway clean with your ass, Carter,” Joey growled.

“Joey, don’t. DON’T.  One of the orderlies is coming. You keep this up and they won’t let you see JC. They’ll lock you down, man,” Justin said, pulling at Joey’s arm.

“He’s right, Joey.  Please. For Josh,” Lance begged.  Joey squeezed and Nick made a choking sound.

“Keep an eye out, Carter. Your friend McLean isn’t the only killer around here.”  Joey gave Nick a rough shake, then released him.

“C’mon. Let’s go out to the courtyard. We can talk there,” Justin suggested.  “We have a little while before group.”

“Fine.” Joey stalked off down the hallway. Justin and Lance shared a look, then hurried to keep up.

 

 

Justin and Lance followed Joey out into the courtyard. He angrily kicked a tree.  “Fucking Carter.  What the hell’s his problem? Why is he all over Josh all the time?”

“He doesn’t understand,” Lance said softly. “He doesn’t understand homosexuality, and so the only way he can deal with it is to insult and hurt someone who IS homosexual.”  He knew about that all too well.

“That’s no excuse,” Joey snapped.  He looked at Justin. “Did you know? About Josh’s feelings?”

Justin shook his head. “No, Joe. I swear to God.  Josh hasn’t opened up to me at ALL.” He looked at Lance. “How about you?”

Lance suddenly found the bark of the tree very interesting.  “Um, well, um, yeah.”

“What?” Justin and Joey said together.

“He told me. When we were talking about the music. I even helped him with the words.” Lance looked away from Joey’s angry face.

“Why you?” Justin asked. “You just freaking GOT here.”

“I don’t know why, okay, Justin? Maybe he thought I’d understand,” Lance said angrily. “Don’t start shit with me, Justin. This isn’t about us.  It’s about Josh and Joey.”  Lance looked at Joey. “You don’t hate him, do you?”

“God, no!” Joey exclaimed, walking a few feet away.  He turned around. “I couldn’t hate Josh…he’s…he needs me.”

Lance chose his words carefully. “He didn’t say anything because he was worried you’d freak on him. He said you’d never return his feelings because you’re not gay.  Because of your daughter.”

“I’d never freak on Jayce. I…I love him.”  The words were simple but Joey’s tone said everything.

“Maybe you need to tell him that, Joey,” Justin said gently. “So he knows. You know what he’ll do now.  He’ll freaking starve himself because he thinks you’re mad at him.”

“Shit,” Joey said, running a hand through his hair in frustration.

“Why don’t you go talk to him, Joey?” Lance suggested.

“I’ll try.  But Josh can be pretty damn stubborn.”  Joey took off for the door of the building. Lance sighed and leaned against the tree.

“God, I’d love to just kick Carter’s spoiled ghetto ass,” Justin muttered, kicking at a tuft of grass.

“Is violence your answer for everything?” Lance asked. “I thought Joey and Alex McLean were the killers.”

Justin looked up at him sharply.  “I think Nick deserves it, don’t you?  And Joey didn’t kill anyone.”

“But he told me…”

“Joey was adopted. His birth father was killed in an accident before he was born, and his birth mother died in labor. He’s grown up angry all his life, even though his adoptive family was great.  He thinks he killed his mother, and he’s used that guilt to fuel his temper ever since.”  Justin shrugged. “Might as well tell you that…you missed it in group.”

“Damn,” Lance muttered. “And he’s been here a year?”

“Apparently he just is too uncontrollable.”  Justin looked Lance in the eye. “Sometimes life gets like that.  You need to do something or you’ll die.”

“Or you just try to solve it all together by dying,” Lance replied.

“God, Lance, what’s your problem? I made a mistake, okay?  It’s one I’ll have to live with all my life.  You’re right…someone close to me DID find me. But not a girlfriend. My mother. She walked into my bedroom and saw the sheets soaked with blood.  That sight will be on her mind for the rest of her life and I’M the one that put it there.”

Lance grabbed Justin by the hand, studying the slash on his wrist.  “You weren’t even trying that hard.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”  Justin yanked his hand back.

“You cut horizontally.  That’s simply a cry for help.  Cutting vertically would have done more damage…and done what you wanted to do in the first place.”  Lance gave Justin one last look.  “Trust me, Justin. I know.”  He headed back into the building, leaving Justin alone under the tree.

 

 

A week flew by and Lance quickly fell into the dull routine that would rule his days there.  He got up, but he didn’t practice with Josh. Josh refused to leave his room, except to go to the piano studio, and then he’d only go alone.  Chris tried to get him to eat in the cafeteria, but he refused. He DID actually eat a bit, though, because his weight began to ever so slightly improve, but he didn’t come out of his room.  Chris allowed him to skip group altogether, because the one time he had forced him to come, Joey had taken one look at his sad face and attacked Nick Carter.  Chris felt that for the group as a whole, the best thing was for Josh to be alone.  For the moment, anyway.

Lance went to group. He also went to his personal interviews with Chris. But he didn’t say anything. He sat silently and listened to the problems of the others, or he stared at the diplomas on Chris’ wall. Chris knew the entire story, and Lance had no clue why he had to rehash them again and again.  Chris just looked at him sadly, asking him question after question. He figured that if Lance would just open up to him, he’d open up in group. But of course that wasn’t happening.

Lance worked with Justin in the library. They made a good team, working in complete silence but working well together.  Lance noticed that Justin didn’t seem angry with him, or even interested in why Lance hated him so much. He just basically ignored Lance.

Lance couldn’t ignore Justin.  Justin was soon invading his every thought.  Even in a simple tshirt and jeans, Lance thought Justin was absolutely beautiful, and his hands itched to run through those curls. He wished he could say something witty to make Justin smile that beautiful smile, but only Joey could get Justin to grin that way.  Lance watched wistfully as Justin ignored him, wishing he had handled things a bit differently. Then he’d shake his head and get back to work. He didn’t want someone as chicken as Justin Timberlake…or as straight.

 

“I had a dream last night,” Lance volunteered to Chris one morning.  Chris stopped doodling on his calendar.

“Really? What about?”

“Um, Justin.  Justin Timberlake.”  Chris raised an eyebrow and Lance blushed.  “It was actually about Matthew, but he kept turning into Justin.”

“You think that’s because they both attempted suicide?”

“One attempted…one succeeded,” Lance reminded Chris softly.  He sighed. “I dunno. I mean, why do I even care about Justin?”

“I don’t know.  Maybe because he didn’t succeed and Matthew did. Maybe you see Justin as your second chance.”

“Whatever,” Lance said, suddenly disgusted and embarrassed. “Justin’s a coward.”

“But he…” Chris abruptly changed his mind. “I see you guys work well together.”

Lance shrugged. “We don’t say much…but we work together.”

“I’m glad. You guys could be really good friends. I mean, there’s only two years between you.”

“Yeah,” Lance said in a non-committal tone.  “It’s twelve-thirty. Can I go now?”

“Of course,” Chris said with a sigh. “Hey, stop in and say hi to Josh, will you?  I’ll tell the kitchen you’ll be in, and I think he’d like to see you.”

“Okay,” Lance said.  He left Chris’ office and headed for JC’s room.  He knocked.  “JC?  It’s Lance.”

“Are you alone?”

“Yeah,” Lance said.  JC opened the door and Lance went in. “Hey.  That what we’re getting for lunch?”

“Yeah,” JC said, making a gagging noise. “Turkey is just so damn dry.”

“You should try my mom’s turkey…it’s all in the gravy, I promise you,” Lance said.  “When we’re outta here, I’m gonna have everyone come down and visit. We have a big house out in the country…and it’s beautiful.  And…”

“I don’t think I’ll ever get out of here,” Josh said quietly, and Lance froze. “I don’t really mind.  My mom can afford to pay for it, and…”

“Josh, no.  You belong out where it’s light and beautiful and fun. This place is enough to kill someone,” Lance said.  “Please, Josh.”

“I don’t really want anything out there,” Josh said softly.  Lance glared at him.

“One day Joey will get out of here, JC.  He’ll get out and then you’ll be alone in here. Is that what you want?”

“He doesn’t care about me.  He’ll just go home to his daughter,” JC said smartly.

“Joey doesn’t care about you?” Lance gasped.  “JC…he knocks on this door every damn morning…or at least he did.  He’s so angry at Nick Carter now that they don’t let him anywhere near your door.”

“Oh, no,” Josh whispered.  “Chris told me…but I didn’t believe him.”

“And I miss our lessons, JC. I mean, I hardly got to learn the notes,” Lance protested. “Can we at least do that again?”

“Sure,” JC said finally.

“And let’s set a goal for you this week, okay?  Finish one-third of every meal, okay? Divide the food into thirds and finish one-third this week.  Next week, finish a half, okay?  We’ll move it along slowly, and then you’ll be so buff that Joey will be drooling.”  JC blushed and said nothing.  “JC, trust me, Joey cares about you.  He wants to tell you, but you won’t listen.”

“I…I’ll try,” JC said softly, and Lance smiled.

“Good. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” Lance asked, and JC nodded. 

Lance entered the cafeteria and sat down next to Joey.  Joey was pushing his turkey around on his plate.  “Hey, Lance,” Joey said dully.

“You’re starting to eat like JC now. It must be love,” Lance teased.  Joey gave him an evil look.  “If you clean your plate…I’ll tell you how you can see JC every day,” Lance said cajolingly.  Joey froze, and even Justin looked up from his mashed potatoes.

“How?” Joey demanded.

“I talked him into starting our music lessons again. You could make sure to be in one of those small closets before we get there…and you’d see him.”

“I’d see him,” Joey repeated in a whisper.  “Do you think he’d talk to me?”

“I think he wants to, but he still thinks you’ll hate him or something,” Lance said.  He playfully rolled his eyes.  “You gay men are such drama queens.”

“I’m not gay,” Joey said, but he didn’t sound very certain about it.  Lance grinned. That was exactly why he had said what he did…to judge Joey’s reaction.

“You talk about gay men like you know something about it,” Justin said, and Lance looked at him in surprise.

“I do,” Lance answered simply.  Justin watched him for a long moment, then went back to his potatoes.

 

 

“Hi, Lance,” JC said shyly when Lance answered his knock. “You know, I’ve missed teaching you. Music isn’t as fun if you don’t have someone to share it with.”

“Well, I’m not much of a person to share it with, but thanks,” Lance said as they walked down the hall to the music room.  “I guess Justin sings?”

“Man, does he ever. That boy has a voice like an angel…but don’t tell him that. We don’t need to inflate his ego any more.”  JC grinned.

“You can say that again,” Lance sighed.  Yet another thing Justin was good at.  “So, have you started anything new?”

“Nothing good,” JC mumbled, sitting down on the piano bench.  Lance sat down next to him.  “Okay, so you know that C is here and…”

“Josh, why don’t you show Joey your song?” Lance asked gently, and JC’s long fingers froze on the keyboard. “Or sing it to him. I know he loves your voice…he’d kill to hear you sing.”

“I can’t…” JC’s foot silently went up and down on the pedal of the piano.  “I…he wouldn’t…”

“He would…” Lance insisted.

“Why do you care so much?” JC snapped, aggravated. “You don’t even know me.”

“I just…” Lance forgot Joey was probably hiding in the closet.  “JC, I’m gay, too.”

“You’re lying,” JC whispered. “You’re just saying that to…”

“To what?  What possible good would it do for me to come out to a total stranger? It sure as hell didn’t do me any good to come out to the people who supposedly cared about me,” Lance snapped.  “I’m gay, JC. I’m gay, and because of that my mother is ashamed of me, my father all but hates me, and everyone in my town thinks I’m some kind of freak. If and when I get outta here, I have nowhere to go.”

“But you said we could go to your house and…”

“Oh, it’s everything I said it was. And my parents would let you all visit.  You’d just have to ignore the fact that they really don’t know what to say to me now, and that everyone in town would point and whisper if we went to a movie or out to eat,” Lance said bitterly. He plunked at a key or two.

“Is that why you’re in here?” JC asked. Lance shrugged.

“Kinda.  I’m sure my dad sees homosexuality as some sort of mental illness,” he said with a wry grin. “But there’s more to it.”  Lance sighed raggedly.  “Man, Chris would jump for joy if he knew I told you this.   Don’t say anything to anyone okay?”

“I won’t,” JC promised. 

“Just trust me when I say that life, and love, are precious. Don’t waste them, JC. Don’t sit around not eating and feeling sorry for yourself.  People out there love you. Joey loves you, okay?  I love you, Justin loves you.  We want you alive and kicking.  And don’t waste your time pining away for someone you care about. DO something about it, okay?  Because you never know when they’ll be taken from you.”  Lance felt tears jump to his eyes. “I gotta…gotta go.” He left the music room before JC could say anything more.

 

“Hey, Lance, can you shelf these new books quick?” Mr. Dorough asked as soon as Lance entered the library. “I have them labeled and all…they just need put out on the shelves.”

“Sure, Mr. D,” Lance said, taking the five books off the table. He wandered over to the first bookshelf and picked up the top book. He froze when he saw it was a book on people who lose loved ones to suicide. With shaking hands he set the other four books down and flipped the book open.  Images of Matthew filled his brain and he slammed the book shut, knocking the other books over in his haste to close the book.

“Are you okay, Lance?” Justin asked, bending down to help pick the books up.

“Fine.  Fine,” Lance repeated almost angrily.

“You’re crying…are you sure you’re okay?” Justin whispered, reaching up to wipe a tear from Lance’s cheek.  Lance hadn’t even noticed.

“I…uh…” The tears kept falling and Lance couldn’t stop them.

“Would you mind a hug from a coward?” Justin asked softly.  Lance answered him with a sniffle and a shake of his head, and Justin’s strong arms went around him in a friendly embrace.  “Cry, Lance. It doesn’t make you a girl or anything.”

“I hate crying,” Lance said against Justin shoulder.

“Yeah, it does get embarrassing.  But as long as that’s not why you’re in here.  I can see it now.  “Yes, Dr. Kirkpatrick, my son has this uncontrollable urge to cry all day and all night. He’s a human water works.  Very embarrassing.”  Is that what your mom said?” Justin teased gently, and he felt Lance’s deep chuckle.

“No,” Lance whispered, pulling back.  “But I do embarrass her.”

“I bet you don’t.”  Justin picked up the books. “Go clean yourself up, Lance.  I’ll do these.”

Lance sighed as he watched Justin walk away, feelings of confusion swimming in his brain.

 

 

“Okay, so I was thinking, maybe we could just chop Carter up into little pieces and like hide him in the broom closet. What do you think, Joey?” Justin said as Lance walked up to the table at dinner.

“Please don’t mention that asshole’s name to me,” Joey said, toying with his dinner.

“Hey,” Lance said softly.  Joey looked up at him, his eyes unreadable.  “Um, Justin, could I talk to Joey for a minute?”

“Sure,” Justin said, eyeing them both. “I’ll just go get your dinner for you, Lance.  We’re having chicken and dumplings.”  Justin got up and walked away.

Lance sat down next to Joey. He studied a crack in the table for a long moment.  “You were in the closet.”

“Yeah. I was.”  Joey looked everywhere but at Lance.

“So you heard what I said.”

“Yeah. I did.” Joey finally looked at Lance.  “You told him that, just to get him to talk to me?”

“It wasn’t a lie, Joey,” Lance said firmly. “Believe me.”

“Jesus, Lance.  I don’t know what to say,” Joey whispered.

“Nothing.  I’m asking you not to say anything. Just like I asked JC not to say anything.  Not even to Justin, okay?”

“Of course, Lance.”  Joey looked at him with big brown eyes.  “Thanks, man. I mean, I know you did it for me and Josh…thank you.”

Lance shrugged as Justin returned to the table.  “How ya doing, Lance?” Justin asked. Lance shrugged again.  He took a few bites of his dinner, rolling the thick taste on his tongue.

“Hey,” a voice said shyly behind Justin. They turned to see JC standing there, hands jammed in his jeans pockets.

“Hey, Josh!”  Joey almost tumbled out of his seat in his haste to stand up.  “Here.  Take my chair.  I’ll get your dinner. It’s that gross chicken and waffles shit, but maybe you can force some down.”  Joey almost ran to get JC’s food.

“Hey, JC,” Lance said with a grin. “I didn’t expect to see you out here.”

“I didn’t expect to see me out here, either,” JC said, smiling back. “But I figure life’s too short to waste time brooding, you know?”  He gave Lance a tiny wink.

“So…Chasez…” Nick leaned over the back of JC’s chair.  “Any other little romances we need to know about?”

Justin started to stand, as did Lance.  “Sit down, Justin. You, too, Lance,” JC said firmly. He slowly stood, kicking his chair back.  Nick jumped out of the way just in time.  “Yeah, Carter, maybe I do,” JC said sweetly. “Maybe I want YOU.”

“Ha ha,” Nick said, but his smile was weak.  JC took a step closer, putting a hand on Nick’s broad chest.

“Maybe instead of tall, dark and Italian, I like them tall, blond and California pretty,” JC continued.  “I think you’re jealous.”

“Jealous? Hardly,” Nick snorted, but he was obviously fighting a losing battle.

“Maybe you’re jealous.  Maybe not.  I do know you’re afraid of the whole idea of homosexuality. Maybe because it hits too close to home?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Nick replied nervously. JC gave him a sharp jab in the chest.

“We all know your friend Alex swings both ways.  He’s propositioned me already, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Maybe you’re jealous because he hasn’t propositioned YOU yet.”  JC suddenly grinned.  “Or HAS he? Maybe you’re upset because you’re Alex McLean’s bitch and you hate the thought.”

“Fuck off, Chasez!”  Nick’s face was red as he turned and almost ran out of the cafeteria.  Chris followed him out, but not before sending JC a grin of triumph. 

JC sat down, his hands shaking. “Shit.” He ran a hand through his hair.

“Did I just see what I think I just saw?” Joey asked, setting down JC’s plate.

“You sure did!”  Justin said cheerfully. “Damn, Josh! I didn’t know you had that in you!”

“I didn’t know I had it in me, either,” JC said nervously.  “Fuck.”  He grabbed his plate before he knew what he was doing. “He just finally pushed the wrong button, you know?” JC said between bites. “I mean, he just fucking pisses me off…and I started thinking about him and McLean…that part was true, you know.”  JC licked some gravy from his fork.  “He did corner me, and I turned him down.”

“Me, too,” Lance said.

“Man, I feel left out here!”  Justin said, and everyone laughed.

Joey stared at JC as he finished exactly half of his dinner before pushing the plate away.  “I’m full,” JC announced, then laughed. “I am. I’m full.”

“What’s come over you, JC?” Joey asked in amazement.  JC sobered.

“I don’t know.”  He turned his blue eyes on Joey.  “You’re not mad?”

“God, of course not,” Joey whispered. Justin and Lance looked at each other.

“You know, Mr. D asked us to come back to the library after dinner,” Justin lied.

“You’re right. He did. Later.” Lance stood and they walked away from the table.  JC looked at Joey, then looked away.

“Did you really write me a song?” Joey said softly. JC paused, then nodded.  “Can I hear it sometime?”

JC blushed.  “It’s not good.”

“I don’t care. Can I hear it?”  JC slowly nodded again.  Joey smiled, then went back to his own dinner.

 

 

“Wow. I can’t believe Josh did that!” Justin said as he and Lance walked a few feet down the hall.

“Me either.  Good for him, though.  And, man, I never would have guessed that about Nick and Alex, but from Nick’s reaction…” Lance mused.

“Alex McLean really hit on you?” Justin asked, and Lance blushed slightly.

“Yeah.”

“Guess I don’t rate on the hottie meter or something…he’s hardly ever said a word to me,” Justin said.

“Trust me, you’re…” Lance began, then caught himself. No need to tell Justin that he, Lance, thought Justin was definitely number one on the hottie meter.  “Maybe you’re just too…macho or something.  I bet he didn’t hit on Joey, either. Just the girly ones like me and JC.”

“You’re not that girly, Lance,” Justin said.

Lance raised an eyebrow. “Okay, Justin.”

“Lance.”  They turned to see Chris hurrying down the hall.

“We were just…” Justin began to think of an excuse. They weren’t supposed to just up and leave the cafeteria.

“There’s a phone call for you.”  Chris ignored Justin and spoke to Lance.

“I thought we weren’t supposed to get any calls for the first month,” Lance said.

“This is an exception.  Come down to my office.”

“Is it my mom?”

“No,” Chris said.  “Come ON, Lance. NOW.”  Chris glared at him impatiently.

“Okay, okay.”  Lance followed Chris down the hall. Chris led him into his office, then left.  “Hello?”

“James…this is Eve.”

Eve. Matthew’s mother.  “Oh.”  Lance sat down hard. “Hello.”

“Hi, James.”  He heard the nervousness in her tone.  “I don’t…I’m not sure what to say, but I really felt that I needed to call.”

“It’s nice to hear from you.  How are John and Michael?” Lance asked, referring to Matthew’s father and younger brother.

“They’re good…Michael’s getting straight A’s…trying out for baseball,” Eve replied.  Lance closed his eyes, picturing Matthew’s little brother, who looked just like Matthew.

“That’s great,” Lance said finally.

“Look, James…I just wanted you to know something. I’ve done a lot of thinking…and I’m not very proud of the way we treated you…the way anyone in this town treated you. I’m sorry.  I know by the way you reacted to Matthew’s passing that you loved him very much.”

“Yes, I did.”  Lance’s voice was barely a whisper.

“I know you took it hard…and that’s one of the reasons you are where you are now.  You’re there how long?”

“A minimum of ten weeks,” Lance said finally. “I think it’s a good thing, though. I needed to get away from it all.”

“James…one more thing.  This is NOT your fault. Do you understand me?  I’m not sure why Matthew gave up the way he did…if anything, the fault lies with his father and myself.  We should have tried to be more understanding…but in our stubbornness we lost our oldest son.”  Lance could hear the tears in her voice, and they mirrored the tears that slid down his cheeks.  “I spoke with your mother, and got this number from her. Apparently she’s feeling the same way we did.  She doesn’t understand.”

Lance gave a weak chuckle.  “You could say that again.”

“When you get out of there, James, if your parents are still not ready to hear what you have to tell them…you are welcome in our home.  I spoke with John, and he agrees.”

“Oh, God…” Lance broke down into sobs. “Eve…”

“You take care, James Bass, you understand me?  And you move on, okay?  That’s what Matthew would want you to do.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Lance said.

“Goodbye, James.”

Lance hung up the phone and buried his face on his knees.  Someone knocked, but he didn’t look up. Chris entered the room, closing the door behind him.  “Lance.”  Chris knelt and put his arms around Lance.

“She forgives me,” Lance sobbed. “She said it’s not my fault.”

“It’s not,” Chris said, then simply held Lance.

 

Nick left JC alone after that, unwilling to even meet his blue gaze.  JC was still shy, still quiet, and still not eating what he was supposed to. But he laughed a lot more, and in the next two weeks he built up the courage to show Joey his song.

“Okay…this song rules, do you hear me?” Lance told JC one morning.  He was going to play the song for Joey instead of giving Lance his piano lesson. “He will LOVE it.”

“I can’t do this,” JC said nervously. He ran a hand through his hair. “He’ll think I’m retarded.”

“JC, Joey’s known you how long?  He would have decided you were retarded a LONG time before now,” Lance teased.  JC was actually shaking.  “Jayce, Joey cares about you. I think he cares about you the same way you care about him.”

“I…”

“JC, if you play this song for him and tell him, out loud, exactly how you feel…I’ll tell my story in group today.”

JC’s mouth fell open. “But you…you’d be coming out and…”

“Yeah, I would.  It’s about time.  I’ve made some good friends here, and I need to be honest. And I need to get past it.”  Lance put his hands on JC’s shoulders.  “Promise me you’ll tell him.”

“I promise,” JC whispered as Joey poked his head in.

“Good.”  Lance gave him one more smile, then slipped past Joey.

“Okay, here I am, your loving public,” Joey said cheerfully, sitting on a chair near the piano.

“Okay, so, um, yeah, this is dumb…” JC said.  “So don’t laugh.”  Joey rolled his eyes.

“Whatever, Jayce.”

JC cleared his throat.  “I just don’t understand…why you’re running from a good man baby…why you wanna turn your back on love…why you’ve already given up…see I know you’ve been hurt before, but I swear I'll give you so much more…I swear I’ll never let you down…cause I swear it’s you that I adore…and I can’t help myself babe, cause I think about you, constantly, and my heart gets no rest over you…you can call me selfish, but all I want is your love…you can call me hopeless, cause I’m hopelessly in love…you can call me unperfect, but who’s perfect? Tell me what do I gotta do…to prove that I’m the only one for you…what’s wrong with being selfish?”

“Jayce, stop,” Joey whispered, moving next to JC on the piano bench.

“Did it suck that bad?” JC asked, not looking up.  Joey put a hand on JC’s thigh.

“Josh, that is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.  You…wow.” There were actually tears in Joey’s eyes. “No one’s ever done anything like that for me before.”

JC slowly looked up. “Joey, I love you. I’ve loved you for most of the time I’ve been here. And I understand if you don’t, you know, feel that way about me.  I know you’re not gay. I know you’ll get out and go back to your baby’s mother. I just had to…tell you.”

“I’m not going back to her, JC. I never was,” Joey whispered.  “I…damn, Josh. I…I guess I love you, too. I never thought I’d love another man…but I just…I know I love you. I think about you a lot, I want you to be happy, I love spending time with you. That sounds like love to me.”

“You…you don’t…” JC babbled.

“Yeah, I do,” Joey said, a smile slowly spreading across his face. “Is that a problem?”  Joey lightly kissed JC’s nose.

“N-no,” JC stammered.

“And I’m gonna control my temper. And you’re gonna eat.  And when we get out of here, we’ll get an apartment together somewhere. How’s that? I’ll find a job, and you can write all day, and soon you’ll sell your songs, or get a CD deal, and then we’ll be rich.”

JC laughed. “You’re crazy!”

“Crazy for you,” Joey said, and he gently kissed JC’s smiling lips.

 

 

Lance didn’t see JC or Joey until lunchtime, and when he walked into the cafeteria, the smile on JC’s face was all he needed to see.  Joey was up getting lunch for himself and JC, and JC was sitting alone. “Hey…you two lovebirds wanna be alone?” Lance teased softly.  JC blushed.

“No…sit with us.”  Lance sat and JC pulled his chair in close. “Lance…he said he loves me. Loves ME!”  JC stared at Joey with a smile on his face. “No one’s ever loved me like that before.”

“I’m sure someone…”

“Not like that.  Not another man.  I mean…wow, Lance.”  JC was speechless and Lance smiled.

“I’m glad you guys finally talked.”

“He said when we get outta here that we’re gonna get a place.  Maybe you could live with us. Justin, too!  That would be cool,” JC babbled.

“Whoa, JC. Whoa,” Lance said, holding up a hand and laughing.

“Hey, Lance.”  Joey sat next to JC.  “You’re gonna eat all this, right?”

“I’m STARVING,” JC said energetically. “What’s for lunch?”

“Turkey sandwiches,” Joey said. “I only brought you half a sandwich, though.”

“That’s okay. I’ll just get more.”  JC took a bite of his sandwich and Joey’s mouth fell open.

“That’s what the love of a good man will do for you,” Lance teased, getting up to get his own food.

“Man!  Turkey AGAIN?”  Justin whined as he got in line behind Lance.

“I think they probably have some secret turkey farm somewhere around here,” Lance told him.  Justin laughed out loud.

“Gentlemen.”  Alex McLean slipped into line behind Lance and Justin. “How are we today?”

“How’s Nick?  He’s been awfully quiet lately,” Justin said.  Alex smirked.

“Yeah, Chasez really shook him up, I guess.”  But he didn’t deny what JC had said. “How are you two?”

“We’re fine,” Lance said, abruptly turning around. He didn’t want to give Alex any ideas.  Justin stared at him, then turned around as well.

When they got back to the table, Justin said, “It’s true?  He really hit on you?”

“Yeah…in the art studio that day,” Lance mumbled. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay,” Justin said, pushing up his sleeves.  Lance stared at Justin’s marked wrists and sighed.  Justin glared at him. “You gonna start again, Lance? I thought we were past all that.”

“I’ll never be past looking at those marks and being disgusted, Justin,” Lance said angrily. “But this time I was feeling sorry for you, wondering what could have been so AWFUL that you felt the need to end your own life.”

“Oh,” Justin muttered, taking a bite of his sandwich.

“You guys should hear Josh’s song!” Joey interrupted. “It’s awesome.”  JC blushed a dark red.

“They don’t wanna hear my song,” JC said softly.

“I’ve heard part of it…it IS great,” Lance said loyally.

“Maybe you could write a song for me,” Justin suggested. 

“I could write one for you and Lance,” JC said thoughtfully.  “A tenor and bass duet…that would be cool.”

“You sing?” Justin asked Lance, who shrugged.

“Yes, he does,” JC answered for him, and Lance suddenly became very interested in his sandwich.

“Seems like there’s all kinds of things you haven’t told us, Lance,” Justin said.  Lance shrugged and looked away.

 

“Okay…who wants to start?” Chris asked as everyone got settled into their seats. 

“I will,” Lance said softly.  Chris stared at him.

“You?  I mean, you want to?”

“Yeah,” Lance said.  JC reached over and squeezed Lance’s knee.  “Okay…so…um, I’m in here because I have a problem dealing with things.  Basically one thing. I mean, something happened and now I have a hard time dealing with my life.”  Lance sighed and ran a hand through his hair.  “Whoa, this is harder than I thought.”

“It’s okay, Lance,” Chris said softly. “Whenever you’re ready.”

Lance took a deep breath.  “I was really good friends with this guy in high school. His name was Matthew.  We hung out all the time, then I went to college and he stayed home and commuted to school.  Anyway…my whole life, I always knew that I wasn’t really like anyone else, and when I met Matthew, I figured out why. I knew I was gay.”

“Fuck,” Justin whispered, eyes huge.

“I fell hard for him, but I didn’t think, you know, that he cared about me that way. We lived in a VERY small town…you didn’t advertise that you liked boys.  So…we even went to the prom together…as friends, of course.  I went away to school, but when I was nineteen, my mom got real sick and I had to come back home.  Matthew and me started hanging out again…and we finally confessed how we felt. And we kept it a secret.”  Lance smiled slightly.  “God…I loved him so much. I wanted to scream it from the rooftops, and I couldn’t.  I fucking HATED that.”  He drew a ragged breath. “So, one day, we were just sitting and talking, and we kissed.  We had never done anything more than kissing. We were talking about moving away and getting an apartment.  He was gonna work two jobs so I could finish school and get a REAL job to support us until HE finished school.  His cousin…she walked out and saw us.”  Lance closed his eyes.  “His family freaked out…and of course they called my parents.  We were forbidden to see each other…and everyone in town knew about it in like five minutes.  We met once or twice, and I told him we could still move away together…and he said he loved me.”  Lance ignored the tears running down his face.  “But that love wasn’t enough.”

“You can stop if you want, Lance,” Chris said gently.  “You don’t have to…”

“I want to!”  Lance said almost angrily.  “I went to his house one day…he had stopped talking to me altogether, and I needed to see him. His family wasn’t home…but I heard a radio, so I went in…and I found him. In the bathroom, on the floor. He had slit his wrists and was lying in a puddle of his own blood.”  Lance bit back the sobs.  “He was still alive…he apologized to me. Fucking APOLOGIZED!”  Lance spat.  “He didn’t say he loved me. He didn’t say anything. He just said he was sorry, that he couldn’t do it. Couldn’t deal with it.  He died in my arms, and I was supposed to go on without him. I was left alone to deal with the shame, with the guilt, with the fact that my parents see me as some kind of alien left in their son’s place.  My family hated me, his family hated me, and he left me fucking ALONE to deal with that.”  Lance finally broke down and JC quickly put his arms around him.

“You love him, don’t you, Lance?”  Chris asked.

“Yes, I do, but I’m so damn MAD at him. Why’d he do that to me? Why?”  Lance angrily wiped at his nose.  “So, I have to live. I can’t go to the funeral, because that would make everyone talk.  So…I sit around the house. I don’t eat. I don’t sleep. I just exist.  My mother gets worried and sends me to shrinks. They don’t help.  They don’t fucking care.  So…here I am.  And that’s my story.” Lance sank back against JC again.

 

 

Lance didn’t work with Justin in the library that afternoon. He had Chris’ permission to just do whatever he wanted, so he sat outside under a tree.  The sunshine was warm, but Lance preferred the shade since his skin was so fair.  He chewed on the top of his pen as he opened his notebook.  He wrote Matthew’s name at the top of the page, but nothing more would come.  Chris had suggested writing a letter to Matthew, just to get all the hurt and emotions out…but Lance couldn’t think of one thing to say.  The problem was, there was too much TO say, and it was too late to say it.

“Hey.”  Joey ambled over.  “Mind some company?”

“Nope.”  Lance moved over slightly on the bench, and Joey sat down.

“Man…you and Jayce.  You’re just opening up, aren’t ya?” Joey teased gently.  Lance blushed.

“Yeah, well…”

“Lance…that took so much for you to say all that. I know you’ve been here a few weeks, but still.  That took guts. I’m so impressed. It makes my problems seem so…stupid.”

“No one’s problems are stupid, Joey,” Lance said. “So…I hear you and Josh are gonna get a place.”

“Yeah, I’d like to,” Joey said, smiling.  “We’re both from the northeast…we’re used to the cold weather.”

“He wants me and Justin to live there, too,” Lance told Joey, laughing. “I wouldn’t want to intrude on the little lovenest.”

“I’ve never been in love with a man, Lance,” Joey said suddenly.  “I have no clue what I’m doing.  I mean…I can handle girls. I can just be with them, buy them things, make them smile, and then fuck them if I want to. But Josh?  This is so different.  He’s…what did you call him?”

“Fragile,” Lance replied. Joey nodded. “But he’s human.  He likes just being with you. I’m sure he’d love for you to buy him things.  You make him smile.”  Lance blushed slightly.  “And I bet he’d let you fuck him.”

Joey turned beet red. “Oh, man…I haven’t even thought that far.”  Lance laughed out loud.  “So…you loved this Matthew guy, huh?”

“Yeah…” Lance said softly. 

“I’m sorry, man. That had to be a nightmare for you…and I see now why you freaked out about Justin.  That must have just driven the nail deeper.”

“Yeah, well.” Lance remembered the look on Justin’s face as he had told his tale.  Justin had looked shocked, then pained, then just confused.  “I’m not sure how he took all that.”

“I’m glad you guys have been getting along.”

“Yeah, we get along fine. Justin’s great,” Lance said too quickly. Joey’s eyes narrowed.

“Do you like him, Lance?”

“Sure, I do.”

“I mean really like him.”

“I…” Lance started, then stopped. “I don’t know, Joey,” he said finally.  “Justin’s an amazing young man. He’s sexy as hell, funny, talented, great to be around…but I don’t think he’s gay.  I don’t even want to let myself think about someone who I have no chance with.”  Lance looked up at the clouds. “And I don’t think I’m ready to have someone leave me again.”

“Lance, not everyone’s gonna leave you.”

“I don’t know that for sure,” Lance said, looking back at Joey. “Look at my parents.  They’re still where I left them, but they’re not with me the way they used to be.  The mother of the boy I loved, the one who I made kill himself…SHE forgives me.  SHE wants me to live with her if I need a place.”

“You didn’t kill him, Lance!”  Joey exclaimed.

“And you didn’t kill your birth mother,” Lance said solemnly.  “And you know it, don’t you?”

“I…I…yes,” Joey said finally. 

“It’s my fault Matthew’s dead, Joey. If I had left him alone…”

“Lance, you can’t change that now. And he had the power to say no to you.”  Joey moved closer on the seat.  “Trust me, okay? I’m finally realizing some things…and one of those things is that you are not always responsible for what hand fate deals you.”

“But if it wasn’t…”

“You didn’t hold the razor blade, Lance.  You did NOT push the metal into his skin.”  Joey looked Lance in the eye. “Did you?”

“No,” Lance whispered.  Joey hugged him.

“Remember that.”

 

“Okay, now put your middle finger here…and this one here. What’s that?” JC asked Lance a few mornings later.

“An A minor,” Lance said.

“Good. And then move this…here…what’s that?”

“C major chord,” Lance said.

“Lance, you are awesome!  You’ve learned this so fast!”  JC gave Lance’s knee a squeeze.

“Yeah, well you’re a good teacher.”  Lance closed the lid to the piano.  “I’m starving.  Wonder if we can have real breakfast for once.  This food gets old.”

“Yeah, it does,” JC said, gathering his music together. “Lance, are you okay?”

“Sure.  Why?” Lance asked, standing up.

“You don’t really talk to anyone.  You avoid deep conversation like the plague.  You…”

“I think I’ll see if Joey’s in the cafeteria.”  Lance headed for the door.

“Not so fast.  Using Joey isn’t gonna help.”  JC put a hand on Lance’s arm.  “Lance, you’re hurting.  I think it’s worse since you opened up to us.”

“No, it’s not that. I promise,” Lance told him. “That’s actually getting better. It’s…something else,” Lance said with a sigh, thinking of Justin.  That seemed to be all he could do lately…think of Justin. Working with him was hell, and Justin seemed to distance himself from Lance any chance he got.  “I’ll take care of it. I’m fine, Jayce, okay?”

“Okay,” JC said, concerned.

“Hey.”  Someone knocked on the door, then poked his head in.  “Can I talk to you for a minute, Lance?  I asked Chris…he said it’s okay if we’re late for breakfast.”  Justin ran a hand through his curls.

“Um, yeah.”  Lance took a few steps back into the room.

“I’ll see you guys later.” JC slipped out the door.  Lance went to sit on the piano bench.  Justin sat beside him.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been saying much to you lately, Lance.  What you said in group…it really threw me for a loop.”

“I noticed,” Lance said quietly  “I didn’t think you’d react too kindly to it.”

“What, that you’re gay?”

“No…the whole suicide thing. Me bitching about Matthew couldn’t have made you feel very good.”

“But you needed to get it out, Lance. And it explained so much.”  Justin closed his eyes briefly.  “You found him…like my mom found me…God, Lance.  How that must have just…”

“I’d rather not talk about it,” Lance snapped, then sighed. “Sorry.”

“I need to be honest with you about something.  I need to tell you what happened with me.”

“Justin, you should really talk to Chris.”

“Chris knows. I just…I can’t say it in front of everyone. But you’ll understand…maybe,” Justin said shyly.  “I tried to kill myself because I realized…I realized that I was gay.”

“What?” Lance gasped.

“Yes.  Like you said that Matthew guy said…I felt I couldn’t deal with it.  You pegged me right, Lance. I was the golden boy. I was on the varsity basketball team, I had a cheerleader for a girlfriend. I ignored the fact that I hated having sex with her. I ignored the fact that I watched my teammates in the shower, just wondering what it would be like. I ignored all that…until one night at a frat party when I got drunk and found myself making out with some guy from the baseball team.”  Justin looked at his hands. “I bought the razor blades the next day.”

“I don’t believe I’m hearing this.” Lance stood and walked away.

“Lance, please, don’t hate me,” Justin begged.  “I didn’t know what to do. My father would freak out. My mother would hate me.  I’d lose all my friends. Jocks aren’t gay.”

“So instead of being a man about it, you just try and off yourself?” Lance asked angrily.

“I didn’t know WHAT to do!  I was scared…and I had no one to turn to. Matthew at least had you.”

“You didn’t think, did you, Justin?  You didn’t think about everyone you would have left behind!  Just because you realized you weren’t the perfect boy, you decided to kill yourself?  I don’t believe this.”  Lance stormed out of the studio before Justin could say anything more.

 

 

Lance sat down at an empty table in the cafeteria.  As usual, Joey and JC were at a table for four, but Lance couldn’t sit with them. He couldn’t sit with Justin.  “Hey, Lance.”  Alex McLean walked over. 

“Hi, Alex.”  Lance stood. “I guess I should get some breakfast or something.”

“Are you afraid of me?” Alex asked him. Lance laughed out loud.

“Hell, no.  I just…I need to get breakfast.”

“My offer still stands, you know,” Alex said in a low voice.

“Don’t you get enough from Nick?” Lance snapped. “I’m not interested, okay, Alex? Just because I said I was gay doesn’t mean that I wanna get with you. Please leave me alone.”

“Look, Lance, I think we could…”

“Didn’t he say for you to leave him alone?” Justin asked, walking up behind Lance.

“This is none of your business, Timberlake,” Alex said.

“It IS my business. Lance is my friend.  You’re annoying him. Therefore it’s MY business,” Justin replied.

“Whatever. You know where to find me, Lance.” Alex turned on one hell and walked away.

“That was not necessary,” Lance told Justin. “Can’t YOU just leave me alone, too?”

“I was just…I…”

“Well, don’t.”  Lance walked away from Justin before Justin could say anything more.

 

“So…that was a pretty big deal the other day,” Chris said to Lance when he met with him later that day.

“Didn’t we already cover this?” Lance asked sullenly.

“You remind me of the boy who sat in my office that very first day. I thought things had improved.”

“They DID improve. I got out what you wanted me to get out. I’m pushing that out of my life. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“I want you happy, Lance, not fighting with all your friends.”

“I’m not fighting with all my friends,” Lance retorted.

“How about Justin Timberlake?”

“How about him?”

“I know he told you what happened to him and why,” Chris said gently. “You didn’t deal with it well, I take it?”

“Why the hell’d he tell me?  How was I SUPPOSED to react?” Lance almost yelled.  “I’m supposed to listen to the story about how he’s gay and he’s so scared and he can’t deal with it?  I’m sorry, but I have no patience for that.”

“Justin told you because he thought you were the ONLY one who might understand. No one else knows. No one but you and I,” Chris told him. “He values your opinion, Lance. He saw how you stood up for Josh Chasez all the time.  He saw how you helped Josh and Joey make things right.  He wanted your approval.”

“Approval?” Lance shook his head. “Whatever.”

“You think you’re getting better. I think you are, too.  But…don’t hate Justin Timberlake.”

“I don’t hate him,” Lance snapped. “I couldn’t.”

“Then don’t act like you do. It’s not helping Justin to help himself.”

 

The next day Justin walked into the library a few minutes early. “Good afternoon, Mr. D,” he said softly.

“Hi, Justin. Why don’t you go right in to the office.  I have some things for you to organize in there.”

“Okay,” Justin said. He went into the office and stopped when he saw a small package on the desk with his name on it.  He opened the note.  He didn’t recognize the handwriting.  “Something you’ve been craving,” he read out loud. He eagerly tore into the envelope and found two small boxes of cereal. He covered a yelp with his hand and hugged the boxes to his chest.  He’d have to get them into the cafeteria somehow, and make sure Chris didn’t see and have a fit, but Joey and JC would cover for him. 

“Hi,” a voice said behind him.

“Hi.”  Justin quickly shoved the boxes into the envelope. “I’ll, um, be right out.”

“I begged Mr. D to get those for you. I promised him that it was a beneficial part of your therapy.”  Lance leaned in the doorway. Justin whirled around.

“You?”  Lance nodded. “Thank you.”

“Consider it a peace offering?” Lance asked, and Justin nodded, smiling. “I’m sorry, Justin.  I can’t…I don’t understand why I acted the way I did.”

“It’s okay. I understand,” Justin said, giving Lance a hug.

I wish I did, Lance thought, trying to ignore how comfortable it felt having Justin’s arms around him.

 

 

In the short time after lunch and before group, Joey, Justin, Lance and JC were out by the basketball court.  Justin and Joey were making fun of the guys that were trying to play.  JC and Lance were talking.

“So…you really live out in the country?” JC asked wistfully.

“Yeah.  My dad’s house is big…and we have a lot of land,” Lance said, playing with a grass blade.

“Your dad’s house.”  Justin turned back to Lance.  “You don’t live there?”

“Not anymore,” Lance said with a sigh.

“I’d love to live in the country,” JC said, sighing as well. “I’d love to have a horse.  A light brown horse with a light mane…I could ride her out into the country and write where it was nice and quiet.”

Joey looked at him sharply. “I thought you wanted to get a place with me near home.”

“I do!” JC said quickly. “I was just dreaming out loud.”

“It’s a nice dream, Jayce,” Justin said suddenly. “I think it sounds great.”  He stood up and wiped grass from his backside. “Let’s get in there.  We’ll be late.”  Justin threw an arm around JC’s shoulders as they walked back inside.  Joey and Lance followed them.

“I wonder when Justin will tell his story,” Joey said softly.  Lance looked at him.

“I, uh, I don’t know. When he’s ready, I guess.”

“You know, I think Jayce is really improving.  They might not keep him here too much longer, if they can get his weight up a little more.”  Joey glanced at Lance.  “Do you think, if he gets out first, he’ll wait for me?”

“He’s waited all this time, Joey…you don’t think he could wait a bit longer?” Lance teased.  Joey smiled and nodded.

 

The next few days were hell for Lance. It seemed that Justin was everywhere he looked.  If he was outside alone, the sky was the color of Justin’s blue eyes.  When he was working, Justin was always close by. He was at every meal.  When he and JC worked at the piano, Lance could imagine Justin standing there singing. He didn’t know what to do.

“Chris…do…do you think it would be wrong for me to fall for someone else?” Lance asked one day.  Chris studied him for a long moment.

“You mean because of Matthew?”  Lance nodded. “Lance, Matthew’s gone. You can’t live your life for a memory.”

“I know…I just feel bad.  And…and he’s the only person I ever felt that way about.  What if…”

“Lance, you need to move on.  You also can’t stop love when it’s gonna happen.  You’ve made such progress…don’t let your feelings hold you back.”

“Right,” Lance said with a sigh.

 

“You see, I’ve forgotten…if they’re green…or they’re blue…the thing is…what I really mean…yours are the sweetest eyes…I’ve ever seen,” Justin sang quietly as he worked.  Lance stood in the doorway of the office and listened.  He silently sat down on a chair near the door.  “And you can tell everybody this is your song…it may be quite simple but…now that it’s done…” Lance sneezed and Justin whirled around.

“I’m sorry…you…your voice is beautiful. I’ve never heard you sing before,” Lance said softly.  “You’re so talented.”

Justin blushed.  “I’m okay. Nothing like JC.”

“You sounded beautiful,” Lance repeated.  Justin got up and sat on a pile of books next to Lance’s chair. He was very serious, and Lance got nervous.  “So…um…do you need me to…”

“Thank you…for trying to understand.  I mean, I know that even looking at me brings back memories for you…and I’m sorry.  But you’ve been such a good friend to me and I really appreciate that, Lance,” Justin told him.

“Such a good friend, right,” Lance said with a sigh.  He was crazy. Justin was so far out of his league that they weren’t even on the same planet.  Justin looked at him and grabbed his hand.

“I hope you don’t mind…I hope you don’t mind…that I put down in words…” Justin sang softly.  “How wonderful life is…now you’re in the world…” Justin’s blue eyes were staring at Lance, and Lance swallowed deeply.

“Justin…” he said weakly.

“Lance, I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never even kissed a guy. I just always knew I wanted to. I wasn’t lucky like you. I never found someone to love me that way.”  Justin got up and shut the door.  Mr. Dorough wouldn’t care.  “But now…I have these feelings for you that…they keep getting stronger.”  Justin sat back down.  “I know you couldn’t feel the same way. I know you think I’m an asshole for doing what I did, and you can never see past that.  But.”

“It’s a little bit funny, this feeling inside…” Lance sang quietly.  Justin looked up quickly.  “Justin, I’ve thought you were amazing since the first minute I met you. I won’t lie…the scars, the suicide attempt, they’ve really made me have to think.  But…everything wonderful about you overrode all that.  And I never thought…you’d like someone like me.”

“Someone like you?” Justin asked.

“You’re popular, you’re an athlete. I’m a dumb country boy.”

“I’m a country boy, too, remember?” Justin said with a smile.  “Lance, what are you trying to say.”

“I’m trying to tell you I feel the same way. It scares me, and part of me feels guilty, but I feel it.”  Lance looked at Justin, his hands trembling. 

“Could I kiss you, Lance?” Justin asked.  Lance nodded.  Justin’s mouth moved over Lance’s.  The kiss was gentle, then got a bit more forceful.  Justin put his hands on Lance’s shoulders, holding him as he kissed him. Lance sighed, letting his hands run up through the curls he loved.  He was the first to pull away.

“Wow…” Lance said breathlessly. “I don’t think I’ve ever been kissed like that before.”

“I don’t think I’ve kissed anyone like that before,” Justin replied. His forehead leaned against Lance’s. “But I plan on doing it a lot more.”

“Okay,” Lance said, bravely kissing Justin again. Justin laughed.

“We should probably get some work done,” Justin said with a sigh.  “Though I’d much rather kiss you.”

“Yeah,” Lance said, standing up.  Justin stood in front of him, taller by a few inches.

“One more,” Justin whispered, kissing Lance.  This time Lance wrapped his arms around Justin, pressing his body against him. Justin whimpered, then pulled back. “Damn,” he whispered.

“Yeah,” Lance said, smiling happily.

 

 

Lance spent most of the afternoon before dinner in his room, writing letters. He wrote a cheerful letter to his mother, a long and emotional letter to Eve, Matthew’s mother, and finally, a letter to Matthew.  He told him all about Justin, and that he hoped Matthew would understand. He had to move on, and he wanted to move on with Justin.

Lance knew that Justin was out playing basketball before dinner, so he headed outside.  He saw JC sitting alone on a bench.  Not alone, really, because Nick Carter was sitting next to him, talking quietly. JC was hunched down, and he seemed to grow smaller and smaller by the second.  Lance frowned, walking up from behind Nick.

“See, I’m thinking the ONLY reason you said that about me is because maybe you wanted a piece of me yourself.  Is that right, Chasez?”

“No,” JC whispered savagely.  “I think you need to go.”

“C’mon, Chasez…you ARE kinda sexy…” Nick rubbed his hand over JC’s arm. “And I’m no one’s bitch.  Why don’t you and me go back to my room?  No one would look for us…”

“I said NO,” JC said a bit more firmly.

“C’mon, Chasez…I’m not asking you. I’m telling you.”  Nick stood.  “Let’s go.”

JC made a move to stand, and Lance was instantly there.  “Carter, what the fuck’s your problem?  Why can’t you leave him alone?”

“Like you want to, Lance.  I bet you two freaks are bedbuddies. Maybe you’d like to watch me fuck Joshy here,” Nick said cockily.  JC opened his mouth, but he never got to speak.  Lance’s fist flew into Nick’s stomach, then his face.  Nick fell to the ground and Lance kicked him.

“Lance!”  JC yelled, pulling at Lance’s arm. Lance ignored him. In Nick he could only see all the people in his small hometown. He saw all the laughter, all the insults, the embarrassed look on his parents’ faces.

“You fucking dickhead…” Lance growled, bending down and grabbing Nick by the hair. He slammed Nick’s head against the ground.

“Lance, stop. Stop!”  JC yelled, but he wasn’t strong enough to pull Lance away.

“Lance!”  Lance felt strong arms pull him away.  He recognized Justin in the back of his mind, but he couldn’t control his anger.

“Let me go, Justin. Let me kill him!”  Lance yelled.

“Lance!”  JC gasped, horrified.

“What’s going on here?” Chris came running out with two orderlies.

“He…attacked me…” Nick gasped as Joey hurried over.

“Are you okay?” Joey asked JC.

“Fine,” JC said worriedly.  Lance still struggled in Justin’s arms.

“Get him,” Chris told the orderlies as he bent down to look at Nick.  Lance struggled, but he couldn’t get away from the stronger orderlies.

“He was going after JC…practically forcing him to go back to his room,” Lance said, glaring at Nick.

“That’s no reason for you to bash his head into the ground,” Chris said angrily. “I thought better of you, Lance. Take him in and lock him down.  Three days.”

“What?” Justin said weakly as Lance was led away. “Chris, no!”

“He was sticking up for me,” JC protested.

“Did Nick physically do anything to EITHER of you?” Chris asked.

“Well, no…” JC admitted sadly.

“Then he gets locked down. You know that.”  Chris helped Nick to his feet and took him inside.

“You’re sure he didn’t hurt you?” Joey asked JC. JC nodded.

“I’m fine.”  JC watched Justin.  “Are you okay, Justin?”

“I can’t believe he got locked down. Why now?” Justin asked miserably.  Joey and JC exchanged looks.

“Something going on with you two, J?” Joey asked gently.

“I thought so…but now I won’t even get to see him.”  Justin pouted as he kicked at the grass.  Joey slung an arm around Justin’s shoulder.

“Don’t worry, Justin. We’ll find a way for you to see your boy.”

“Um, Justin?” JC said softly.  Joey and Justin stopped walking.  “Since when are you gay?”

 

Lance angrily stared at the ceiling of his room. It was midnight and he couldn’t sleep. He wished he could have killed Nick Carter.  Because of that asshole, he was stuck in his room for three days. Three days away from Justin. No music lessons, not even meals with the others. He had to stay in his room and calm down.  He felt like he was six years old again.  He knew it was his fault; he shouldn’t have gotten that angry. But he couldn’t help it. That…snake…dared to try and touch his friend.

Lance heard a sound at the door and sat up quickly. It didn’t sound like a key.  Someone slipped inside and the door closed. “Who’s there?” Lance whispered.

“Who do you think?” A voice said.

“Justin?” Lance gasped. 

“Shh.”  Justin sat down on the edge of Lance’s narrow bed. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Lance sighed.  He felt Justin lean in, and they clumsily found each other in the dark.  “How did you get in here?” Lance asked once they broke the kiss.

Justin moved so he was lying next to Lance, on top of the covers.  “Joey taught me.  It seems this building is the oldest one on the grounds, and if you fiddle with the doors just right, you can jimmy the locks. Apparently he used to sneak in to see Josh when he knew Josh was having a bad time of things.”

“Wow,” Lance whispered. Justin opened his arms and Lance gratefully snuggled up next to him.  “I’m sorry, Justin, that I got stuck in here.”

“It’s okay. It’s only three days,” Justin said bravely.  “What exactly happened?”

“Nick was hitting on JC…getting him back for what he said.  He said he wanted JC…that it wasn’t a request.  He was basically planning on raping him or something, saying he knew JC wanted him all along.  Then he said…that me and Josh were bedbuddies and I could watch.”

“God, Lance.” Justin kissed Lance’s forehead.

“I just got so angry. I heard all the voices back home that used to tease me for being girly and everything…and that’s all I could hear.  I didn’t mean to hurt him that bad.”

“Well, unfortunately, Carter has a thick head and he’ll recover,” Justin sighed.  Lance grinned in the dark. “I’ll come see you the next two nights, too…I can’t bear being without you now that I just found you.”

“Me either.”  Lance hugged Justin tighter.  They kissed again, the kisses slow and sensuous.  Justin knew how to kiss.  Lance was soon moaning against Justin’s mouth, his hands sliding over Justin’s back.  Justin thrust against him, the covers between him. Lance’s hand slid down to grasp Justin’s backside.  Justin moaned and Lance pulled back.  “I’m sorry…that was too fast…”

“Oh, God, Lance, no it wasn’t.”  Justin kissed Lance’s neck, then rolled away. “Damn…I feel like nothing with you is too fast.”  He kissed Lance once more. “I gotta go. If I fall asleep here, it would be VERY bad.”

“Right.”  Lance sat up. “Thanks for coming, Justin.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow.  I’ll miss you all day.”

“I’ll miss you more,” Lance said wistfully.  Justin gave Lance one more kiss, then slipped out the door.  Lance lay back down, cradling his pillow in his arms and wishing it was Justin.

 

 

The next day was an eternity for Lance. He knew Justin would stop in that night, but he had to make it alone until then. It was awful.  The hours stretched, and he could only sit and watch the clock.

Orderlies brought his breakfast and lunch, but Chris brought in his dinner. “Wanna explain to me what the hell happened out there?”

“Are you gonna listen?” Lance grumbled, tearing into his fried chicken. Chris stared at him.

“Of course.”

“Nick was talking shit to JC.  Pretty much ordering JC to come back to his room or else. I’m sorry, Chris, but no one treats my friends like that.  He was treating JC like this piece of meat…and I couldn’t take it.”

“Did it remind you of something?”

“Hell, yeah, it reminded me of something. It reminded me of the pricks who used to scream shit at me after Matthew died.”

“Do you feel better?”

“Yes,” Lance said between bites.

“Do you really want to kill him?”

“No,” Lance said sullenly.

“I didn’t think so.  I’ll check in on you tomorrow.”

 

Justin picked at his breakfast and picked at his lunch.  He got absolutely nothing done in the library. All he could do was think about Lance and what he was doing.  He tried his best NOT to think about Lance, because suddenly every time he thought about Lance, Lance was naked.  Not that naked Lance was a BAD thing…but it was kinda difficult walking around with his dick hard and standing up straight.  He finally made it to dinner, arriving in the cafeteria before Joey and JC.  He sat down and moodily stared at the table, wondering what it was like to have someone’s cock in your mouth.

 

Joey approached JC as soon as he left the music studio, right before dinner.  “Josh?”

“Hi, Joey.”  JC’s smile filled his face.  “How are you this morning?”  JC checked up and down the hall, then he gave Joey a quick kiss.  Joey didn’t smile back.  “What’s wrong?  Is it Justin?”

“No. I think Justin’s fine.”  Joey took a ragged breath. “I’m sorry, Josh, that I wasn’t there for you yesterday. I’m sorry that I ever gave Nick Carter the opportunity to be alone with you.”

JC grabbed Joey by the arm and dragged him back into the studio.  “Joey, what are you talking about?”

“I should have been watching out for you,” Joey said solemnly.  “If I’m gonna love you, I need to protect you.”

JC shook his head. “Joey, you make no sense. I’m GLAD you weren’t there…not that I wanted Lance to freak like that, or anything.  But if you woulda been there, you would have done more than freak…and then you’d never get out of here.”  JC reached up and touched Joey’s handsome face. “Joey, we’re not getting out of here at the same time. You know that.  I’ll be on my own for a little while, whether it be in here or out there. I can do it. I promise.  But thank you.”  JC kissed Joey, then kissed him again. “Thank you,” he whispered, letting his tongue play between Joey’s lips.  Joey groaned, pulling JC tight against him before finally letting go.

 

Lance was sitting on the edge of the bed when Justin let himself in. It was around eleven o’clock.  Lance stood, pulling Justin into a passionate embrace as soon as the door closed. “God, Justin…I missed you so much!”

“I thought about you all day.”  Justin ran his hands through Lance’s short hair. “I missed talking to you, and I missed…God, I just missed looking at you.”  Justin pulled Lance close and they stumbled, falling onto the bed.  Lance giggled.

“It feels like you didn’t just miss looking at me,” he said, letting his leg rub against Justin’s erection.  Justin groaned and Lance knew he was blushing.

“Dammit, Lance…all I could think about was you and sex, sex and you.  I was NEVER this way over any girl. I feel like a horny teenager again.”

“Justin, you’re barely NOT a horny teenager,” Lance teased.  Justin poked him.  Lance sucked on his earlobe and Justin shivered.  “I’m really not very experienced. I only ever kissed Matthew, and we touched each other once or twice.”

“Touch me,” Justin begged, arching up.  Lance slid a shaking hand into Justin’s pajama pants. “God…Lance…” Justin whispered in a choked voice. He slowly pushed Lance away, then sat up.  He pulled his tshirt off, then reached for Lance’s shirt. Lance wriggled out of it.  Justin stood up, and Lance heard him step out of his pants.  Lance swallowed deeply, then shimmied out of his own pants.

“Justin, I…”

“Is this too fast?”  Justin asked worriedly.  Lance tugged at his hand and he fell back onto the bed with Lance.  “I just wanna feel you,” Justin said.  He hissed as he felt the heat of Lance’s dick rub up against his own erection.

“Mmm…Justin…I never knew it would feel this good…” Lance pulled Justin over him, their bodies moving against each other.

“If we keep this up…I won’t be able to hold back…” A day of sexual frustration was enough to drive Justin crazy.

“I don’t want you to…” Lance bravely slid his hand down to touch Justin. He took both of their cocks in one hand and jerked a few times.

“Lance…oh…” Justin covered Lance’s mouth with his as he came.  He rolled onto his back. “Wow…” he said weakly.

“You are so hot,” Lance murmured, kissing Justin’s cheek and forehead.  Justin slowly crawled down the bed.  “What are you doing?”

“I wondered what this felt like…” Justin licked at Lance’s cock, then tentatively took the head into his mouth. “Do you want me to stop?”

“Oh, sweet Jesus, NO…” Lance groaned.  Justin’s girlfriend had given him a few blowjobs, so he sort of knew what NOT to do. He kept his teeth out of the way, and allowed Lance to slip in and out of his mouth. “Justin…yes…ohmyGOD…I’m gonna cum…Justin…” Lance pulled out of Justin’s mouth and Justin stroked him to orgasm.

Justin moved to cradle Lance in his arms. “Was that too much too soon?” Justin asked worriedly. “I don’t want to scare you, Lance, but God, I thought about it all day.”

“So did I.”  Lance kissed Justin’s chest.  “It’s scary but wonderful all at once.”

“When we’re out in the world, we’ll take it nice and slow,” Justin promised. “I want hours to learn all about you.”  Lance moaned slightly and kissed him again.

 

 

“When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?” Justin asked Lance as Lance lay in his arms. It was the last night of Lance’s “solitary confinement,” as Justin called it, and they were simply whispering in the dark.

“An astronaut,” Lance said softly.

“Wow.  Why didn’t you do that?”

“You don’t do that kinda stuff where I’m from. You don’t dream that big.  You just go with the flow.  My dad wanted me to study business, so I studied business.”

“My dad’s like that, too,” Justin said softly.  “I really wanted to study music, but he wanted me to be a man.  Men don’t study music, apparently.”

“Do they know…that you’re gay?” Lance asked softly.

“Yes, and they’re trying to deal with it. I’ll give them that. It about killed my dad to see his all-star basketball-playing son wanting boys, but my mom at least is cool with it. She’s great.”  Justin sighed, and Lance felt a tear drop onto his head. “I hate the fact that she found me,” Justin said in a choked voice.

“Shh, Justin, don’t.”  Lance moved to hold Justin tight.  “She still loves you.  She forgives you.”

“How could I be so stupid?” Justin sobbed against Lance’s chest.  “How could I try to end everything?”

“Because you were scared. Oh, Justin, I’ve been there. I know how it feels to have everyone laughing at you.  I know how it feels to know that you’re different, and know that no one will accept it.”  Lance kissed Justin’s curls.  “Shh.”

“Will I still see you…after we get out?” Justin asked in a small voice.  Lance was shocked.

“You think I wouldn’t want to see you?”  Lance pulled back.  “If I didn’t love you so much, I’d want to slap you.  Justin, I won’t make it out there without you.”

“Really?”

“Really.  I love you, Justin.”

“I love you, too, Lance.”  Justin burrowed closer.

“Well, look what the cat dragged in!”  Joey said happily the next morning when Lance walked into the cafeteria.

“Hey,” he said shyly, sitting down next to JC.  “Um, where’s Justin?”

“He hasn’t shown his curly head yet,” Joey informed him.  “And what’s this I hear about you and him?”

“Joey,” Lance whined, blushing.  JC laughed.

“Guess what, Lance?” JC said.  “I’m doing so well, Chris thinks I might get out of here in six weeks or so…right around the time you do!”

“Wow, JC. That’s great,” Lance said. His face lit up and Joey sighed.

“I don’t even have to turn around to see who’s coming,” he said, rolling his eyes.  “C’mon, Jayce.  Let’s get our breakfast.”  JC stood and followed Joey up to the line.

“Hi,” Justin said, sitting down next to Lance.  “God, it’s so great to see you out here again.”

“Good morning,” Lance said softly.  He blushed again and looked down at the table, but he couldn’t keep the smile from his face.

“Lance.”  Justin and Lance both looked up at Chris as he approached the table. “I think I’m going to take you up on that original offer to work in my office.”

“But…Mr. Dorough needs me in the library!” Lance protested.

“I really need his help, Chris,” Justin added.  Chris pulled up JC’s chair and sat on it backwards.

“I’m not blind, guys. I know what’s going on between the two of you. I saw it three days ago in the courtyard, and I can see it now.  I don’t care. I want you to be happy. But I don’t think it’s wise for you two to be spending too much time alone together. I’m sorry.” 

“Okay,” Justin said sullenly.

“And Justin?  Your mother called this morning.  She wants you to call her this afternoon.  Be at my office at three.”  Chris stood and walked away.

“Your mom?” Lance asked.

“I’m gonna tell her all about you,” Justin said, smiling.  “And I bet she’d let you stay with us, if you wanted.”

“You’re gonna tell her?” Lance whispered.  Justin nodded.

“I want everyone to know…starting with the people who matter most.” Justin squeezed Lance’s leg and went up in line.  Lance stared after him, amazed at how different Justin was from Matthew.

 

 

Justin showed up at Chris’ office five minutes early.  Lance looked up from a stack of papers and grinned.  “Hi there.”

“Hi,” Justin said, leaning in the doorway.  “This looks like a nightmare.”

“It is.”  Lance glanced around the cluttered office.  “But they pay me good.”

“Oh, really?  What do they pay?”  Justin asked.

Lance grabbed Justin and pulled him into the room, closing the door behind them.  “A promise from Chris not to be here until ten after three.”

“Wow.”  Justin wrapped his arms around Lance and kissed him.  “I think you got the better job.”

“I think you’re right.”  They kissed for five minutes straight, then Lance sat back down in the pile of papers.  Justin sat on an edge of Chris’ desk.  “Justin, can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” Justin said, swinging his foot.

“Has Chris given you any idea when you might get out of here?” Lance asked.

Justin shrugged. “Not really.  I think he knows I’m not gonna try to kill myself again or anything…but he’s worried about me accepting the fact that I’m gay, since it’s what made me try it in the first place.”  Justin sighed. “I hope I don’t get out of here before you do.”

“Well, I only have six more weeks,” Lance reminded him.

“Yeah. It’ll be cool if you and Josh get out around the same time…even though me and Joe will be miserable.”  Justin pouted and Lance sighed.

“I’ll write you every freaking day until you get out,” Lance promised.  “And then you can come visit me.  Maybe I’ll have my own place.”

“How cool would that be?” Justin asked wistfully. “We could live together…have our own place.”

“Yeah,” Lance said shortly, remembering a similar conversation with Matthew.  “Well, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, okay?”

“Um, okay,” Justin said, frowning as Chris came into the room.

“Lance, I thought you were cleaning this place up!”  Chris exclaimed.

“Did a hurricane come through here?” Lance asked. “Look. I found that chair for you.”

“I have another chair?”  Chris looked at the now-empty chair. “Wow.”  He looked at Justin. “You ready?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll see you later, Justin.”  Lance stacked the papers neatly and darted out of the room.

Chris pushed the phone towards Justin.  “Take all the time you need. I have to go see some patients, anyway.”

“Okay.”  Justin looked at the phone for a long moment, then began to dial.  He heard it ring three times.

“Hello?”

“Mom?  It’s me. Justin.”

“Oh, Justin,” his mother said, and he felt warm all over. “It’s wonderful to hear your voice. How are you?”

“Good.  How’s Jon?”

“He’s doing good. He misses his big brother.”

“And Dad?”

“He misses you, too, of course.  The basketball net is growing cobwebs.”

Justin smiled. “It’s so nice to talk to you, Mom.”

“I just…I was wondering how you’ve been doing. It’s been three months now…and I was just worried about you.”

“Oh, Mom…” Justin swallowed deeply. “I’m so sorry.”

“I thought we were past all the sorrys, young man,” his mother snapped. “We’re moving on.”

“Right,” Justin said, nodding.  “Speaking of moving on…I…well…I’ve kinda met someone in here.”

“Really?” His mother asked.  “What’s his name?”

“Um, Lance.  He’s from Mississippi.”

“May I ask why he’s in that place with you?”

“Well…see…he had this boyfriend. And no one knew about them.  And, well, everyone found out, and his boyfriend killed himself.  Lance found him.”

“Oh my God, Justin. That’s awful!”  His mother gasped.

“I know.  And it just makes me feel even guiltier.  At the beginning, we didn’t get along.  But now…he’s just awesome, Mom.  And I was hoping maybe he could come visit us.  I plan on seeing him a lot once we’re both out in the world.”

“He sounds like a nice boy, Justin,” she sighed.  “And just so you know…your father sends his love. He’s really trying, Justin.  He loves you too much to let you go because of this.  Time away from you has made him realize that.”

“Thanks, Mom.”  Justin ignored the tears on his face.  “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

 

“Hey.”  JC sat down on the ground next to Lance.  Lance was out in the courtyard, deep in thought. “What’s up?”

“Nothing.”  Lance looked at JC. “I think I hurt Justin’s feelings.”

“How?”  JC sat down the ever-present notebook and looked at Lance.

“Well…we were daydreaming…and he mentioned us getting a place together.  I kinda blew him off.   Don’t think I don’t want it. GOD, do I want it.  But it’s just…that’s what Matthew and I were talking about the day his cousin found us.  It was all this wonderful dream, and then it was shattered.  I know Justin’s not gonna try anything like that again…but I guess I’m just afraid to let the dream get shattered once more.”

“What did you say to me?  Something about living your life because you never know when something good’s gonna be taken away from you?”  JC reminded Lance.  “Let him in, Lance. If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out.”  JC smiled at him.  “I’m the last person who should be trusting anyone, especially a man who says he loves me. But I trust Joey. I trust the way he makes me feel.  And I finally learned to let go.”

“Sounds like you’re DEFINITELY ready to go home,” Lance said, squeezing JC’s arm.

“Hey there, sexy boys.”  Joey flopped down on the ground in front of them.

“Excuse me?” JC raised an eyebrow.

“I didn’t want Lance to feel left out,” Joey said, untying JC’s shoes and beginning to tie the laces together.

“Stop that!”  JC yelled, slapping at Joey’s hands.

“I won’t feel left out for long. Here comes my boy,” Lance said, standing and smiling. “Hey, Justin.”

“Hi.”  Justin didn’t look like he was in the mood to say much, so Lance sat back down.

“Are you always this obnoxious?” JC yelled, finally taking off one of his sneakers and hitting Joey with it.

“And you love me,” Joey reminded himself.  JC groaned and hit himself with the shoe before putting it back on.

“You two will never be able to live together,” Lance said, shaking his head.  “JC is like me…anal.  You’re too easy-going, Joe.  I’m lucky that Justin and I are more alike. We’ll have no problem living together.”

JC gave Lance a big smile.  “Alike?  No way.  Justin will never be able to put up with you. You’ll have him so organized he’ll try to…” JC stopped, horrified at what he was about to say.

“He’ll try to lock himself in the bathroom to make you go away,” Joey finished quickly.  JC blushed a furious red.

“Shall we take bets on who gets out first?”  Lance asked.  “I bet it’s Joey.”

“Me?” Joey asked. He shook his head.  “I think I’m making Chris see that I feel better about the whole mom thing…but I think he’s still afraid I’ll freak or something. I see another few months in my sentence.  I think it’s Josh.”

“Yeah,” Justin said softly. “Josh first.  Or Lance.”

“Doesn’t Chris see that you’re not gonna try it again?” Josh asked.  Justin shrugged.

“I dunno.”

“Well, when I get out, if it’s first, I’ll get the apartment ready.  Then you can just show up and crash,” Lance said. “All of you.”

“Deal,” Joey said, clapping Lance on the back.

 

 

“I’m thinking there’s a horse or something buried under all the stuff,” Lance told Justin, laughing as they went into group.  “I can’t believe what a mess his office is!  I’ve been working in there forever, and I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing.”

“I think he’s just…relaxed.  Like Joey and me. You and JC are…not relaxed,” Justin teased.  Lance faked a punch at his head.

“Shut up, Curly, before I kick your ass.”

“Yeah, you and what army?  I could kick your cute ass with one hand behind my back,” Justin told him. “And one FOOT behind my back.”

“I’d love to see you try it,” Lance said, smiling.  God, but he loved Justin.

“Lance.”  They turned around to see Nick Carter standing in the hallway.  It had been three weeks since he had provoked JC and Lance had jumped on him.

“Yeah?” Lance asked.  He noticed Justin step in front of him protectively.  “It’s okay,” he said softly, putting a hand on Justin’s shoulder.  “Go on in. I’ll be right there.”

“Okay,” Justin said warily.  “I’ll be watching from in there.”  Justin went in and sat next to Joey, pouting.  He crossed his arms over his chest, slouched in his chair, and glared at Nick. Lance had to grin. Justin was so cute when he was trying to act tough.

“I…uh…I wanted to say I’m sorry.”  Nick ran a hand through his hair.

“Shouldn’t you be apologizing to JC?”  Lance asked. “You didn’t do anything to me.”

“I’m going to apologize to him.  Next.  But I did do something to you…I played around with your friend, and I deserved every punch and kick you gave me. And I wanted to apologize.”

“Accepted,” Lance said, shocked.

“I’ve been in here a while. I want out.  But I know being here is the best thing for me,” Nick continued softly.  “I picked on Josh because I knew he was gay…and I was afraid of him. I was afraid that he was what I was going to become, and that scared me.”

“Are you gay, Nick?” Lance asked.

Nick shrugged.  “I don’t think so…I like girls and think they’re hot and everything.”

“But you like boys, too?”  Lance asked.  “Alex?”

Nick peeked in the door, where Alex was seated by himself.  “Yeah.  He scares the living shit out of me…but there’s something about him.”

“If you say so,” Lance said, totally not seeing it.  Nick finally smiled.

“Anyway, I wanted to say I was sorry.”

“Okay,” Lance said, nodding.  He followed Nick into the room and went to sit by Justin.

“What did he want?” Justin demanded.

“To apologize. For that day in the courtyard,” Lance said.  Justin’s mouth fell open. 

“Nick apologized?” Joey asked.  Lance nodded. “When the hell’s he gonna apologize to Jayce?”

“Joey,” JC said. “It’s okay. Really.”

“No, it’s not,” Joey said, glaring at Nick. JC sighed.

“If I woulda known this was what it was like to have a boyfriend, I’d have stayed single,” JC said, rolling his eyes. “Talk about overprotective.”

“Tell me about it,” Lance said, leaning around Justin to talk to JC.  “You can’t even take a piss without them wondering if you’re okay.”

“Excuse me, we’re sitting right here,” Justin said.  Lance ignored him.

“I feel like such a girl sometimes…”

“You do?” Justin asked.

“I know.  I feel like he’d spoon-feed me, if I let him,” JC continued, his eyes twinkling. 

“I should smack you for that,” Joey said sedately.  “But since I’ve mended my wicked ways, I’ll just tell the two of you to fuck off.”  Justin cracked up.

“Guys.”  Chris came in the room and closed the door. “Nick has asked to start today.”

Nick stood up and looked around the room.  His eyes stopped on JC.  “Josh…I wanted to apologize to you.”

“Nick, it’s okay,” JC said, embarrassed.

“No, it’s not. I’ve treated you like shit for the most part, and I need to apologize. I was taking all my insecurities out on you, and it wasn’t right.  I should never have said what I said to you…and I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Nick, really,” JC said.  “I’m used to getting picked on about being gay. It’s no big deal.”

“Yes, it is,” Nick insisted.  “I know now that I’m bisexual.  Seeing you being so…comfortable in yourself scared me…and I treated you badly. It was wrong and I want to apologize. I’ve already apologized to Lance for provoking you that day, and I wanted to say it to you, too.”  Nick sat down next to Alex, who put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Thanks, Nick,” Chris said.  Lance looked at JC, who was studying his shoes.

“You okay?” Lance whispered.  JC nodded.

“Just didn’t expect all that, that’s all.”  Joey put an arm around the back of JC’s chair.

 

Chris came striding across the courtyard later that afternoon.  Justin, JC and Lance were lying on the grass.  JC and Justin were talking about music, and Lance was trying to get some sun onto his pale skin.

“But don’t you think it would be cool to change keys here?”  JC asked.

“But then you can’t do it here.”  Justin flipped back through JC’s notebook, pointing to some lyrics.

“Lance,” Chris called.  Lance slowly sat up.

“Yes?”

“Your mother called.”

Lance felt a chill go through him.  “My…mom?”  He whispered.

“Yes. I told her I would find you and get you to call her back.”

Lance swallowed deeply. Even after all her promises to contact him as much as the doctors would let her, he had only received two letters from her.  This was the first phone call.  Here he was, with about three weeks left before he would get out, and she was finally calling. “Um, okay.” He stood up.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Justin asked.  Lance looked at Chris.

“Is that okay?”

“Sure.  Maybe he can do some extra cleaning in my office while you talk,” Chris teased.  Lance didn’t smile. 

“See you guys later,” JC said, a worried frown on his face.

Lance and Justin followed Chris to his office. “I’ll stop back in a half hour,” Chris said, closing the door behind himself.  Justin looked at Lance.

“I’m right here,” he said softly, kissing Lance’s cheek.  Lance nodded and picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Mama…it’s James.”

“Hello, James.” Diane Bass sounded nervous. “How are you?”

“Fine, Mama. It’s…good to hear from you,” Lance said politely.  “How’s Dad?”

“He’s doing good. He’s at work right now.”  Lance knew immediately that his father had NO clue his mother was calling him. 

“Oh.”  Lance ran a finger up and down the keypad of the phone. “So…”

“Are you feeling any better, James?” Diane asked.

“Much better, Mama.”

“Good. We sure miss you around here.  We have your room all ready for you when you come back. We’ll get you back into school and…”

“Mama, nothing’s changed,” Lance said firmly. He felt Justin come up behind him and wrap an arm around his waist.  Lips pressed against the back of his neck. “I’m still gay.”

“James, I know that you and Matthew…”

“You know nothing about me and Matthew, Mama!  You and Dad know NOTHING about that, so I really wish you’d quit pretending you do,” Lance said almost angrily. 

“James Lance Bass, don’t take that tone of voice with me!”

“I’m sorry, Mama, but it’s the only voice you’ll listen to.  When I come home, yes, I’ll stay for a little while, but just until I can get my life back together.  More than likely I’ll be moving to the city and getting a place with some friends.”

“You have friends in the city?” Diane asked.

“I will,” Lance said, putting his hand over Justin’s.  “Did you know Eve called me?  Matthew’s mom?  She offered to let me stay there as long as I needed to.”

“You’re not staying in that woman’s house, James.”

“She’s not ‘that woman’, Mama. She’s a nice woman who called to tell me it wasn’t my fault that Matthew did what he did.  YOU never said that to me. You never consoled me. You were too busy being embarrassed.”  Lance took a ragged breath.  “If you want to come pick me up when the time comes, I’d appreciate it. If not, let me know and I’ll get Dr. Kirkpatrick to buy me a bus ticket.  But please realize that even though I’m gay, even though I have a boyfriend, I’m still your little boy.”

“You have a boyfriend?” Diane gasped.

“Yes.”  Lance smiled.  “His name is Justin.”

“I’ll talk to your father,” Diane said.

“I need to go, Mama.”  Lance closed his eyes against the hurt. “I’ll let you know what’s going on. I love you, Mama.”

Diane paused. “I love you, too, James.”

Lance hung up the phone and turned around in Justin’s arms.  Justin reached up to wipe a tear from Lance’s cheek. “You okay?”

“No.”  Lance buried his face in Justin’s neck.  “But I will be.”

 

A few weeks later

 

 

“I know this is my office, because you’re in it, cleaning, but is it REALLY my office?” Chris asked, standing in the doorway.  “I don’t even recognize the place.”

“I know what’s gonna happen.  I’m gonna leave this place and you’re gonna just let it turn back into a nightmare,” Lance said, alphabetizing the books on the top shelf of Chris’ bookcase.

“Sunday,” Chris said, sitting on the chair behind his desk.

“Sunday what?” Lance asked, not turning from his task.

“You’re going home Sunday.”

Lance dropped a book on his foot. He ignored the pain.  “THIS Sunday?”

“Yep. You’re going home, Mr. Bass,” Chris said cheerfully.

“But today’s only Monday,” Lance whispered.

“Lance, you’ve made amazing progress.  Your whole little group of friends has. But you’re ready to go home. The others will be soon, I promise.  ALL of them,” Chris said pointedly.

“Right,” Lance said softly.

“Do you want me to call your parents?”  Chris asked.  Lance slowly turned around.

“Could you? I…I just can’t.”

“No problem,” Chris said.

“And then, later, I’ll have to call Eve…Matthew’s mom. I don’t think I’ll be able to live with my parents,” Lance said quietly.

“Of course.  Why don’t you get out of here while I start getting the red tape cut?” Chris suggested.  “It’s a nice day out.”

“Right,” Lance said.  He blindly walked out of the office.

Home. He was going home. It was the only home he’d ever known, but he knew it would never feel like home again.  It would NEVER feel like home if he wasn’t welcome there…and he knew he never would be.  He aimlessly wandered up and down the hall three or four times before an orderly asked if he was okay.  He blushed and walked out a side door, out into the courtyard.  JC and Justin were shooting baskets.  Joey was trying to coach JC.

“Hey there!”  Justin yelled.  Lance didn’t even hear him.  Justin tossed the basketball to Joey and came jogging over.  “Lance?”

“Oh, hey,” Lance said weakly.  He sat down on a bench.  Justin put an arm around his shoulders.

“Are you okay, Lance?  What happened?  Did your mom call again?” Justin asked.  “Lance?”

“Sunday.”  Lance turned, his green eyes huge and serious.  “I’m going home. On Sunday.”

“THIS Sunday?” Justin gasped. Lance nodded and stared out in front of him.

“I’m so scared, Justin,” Lance whispered.  “I’m gonna get there…and everyone’s gonna hate me.”

“What’s going on?” Joey asked as he and JC approached.  “You okay, Lance?”

“Lance is going home. On Sunday,” Justin announced.

“That’s great!” JC exclaimed. “Um, isn’t it?”

“I can’t do this,” Lance said, and Justin felt him shaking. “I can’t go back there.”

“Lance, shh.  Calm down.  It will be okay,” Justin said firmly.  “You’ll go back there, and you’ll show them that you’re still their son. And if they can’t accept you, to hell with them. You’ve got me.”

“And us,” JC added.  Joey nodded.

“I love you, Lance.  And soon I’ll be out, too, and as soon as I take care of some stuff with my parents, I’ll come down and get you.  We can go anywhere you want,” Justin said.  “You just wait and see.”

“I’m afraid,” Lance said, laying his head on Justin’s shoulder.  Justin gave the other two men a troubled look but said nothing.

The rest of the week passed, and Lance walked around like some sort of zombie.  The word soon spread that he was leaving, and Nick Carter approached one day to say good luck. “I’m so jealous,” Nick sighed.

“Don’t be. It’s scary as hell,” Lance snapped. “You don’t know what I’m going back to.”

“Hey, at least you didn’t try to burn your house down,” Nick said cheerfully.

“Maybe I should have,” Lance muttered, and Justin stared at him.

“Okay…we need to do something about this,” he said to JC and Joey later, when Lance was out of earshot.  “I hate thinking of him all afraid and on his own out there.”

“I don’t know what I’d do if my parents treated me like that,” Joey said. “They’re my adoptive parents, but they’re awesome.”

“We need to show him that we love him and we’ll be there for him,” JC said.

“Right.”  Justin thought for a moment. “Today’s Friday.  He’s leaving in two days.  We need to do something soon.”

“Tomorrow night,” Joey said decisively, and they began to plan.

 

“You sure you can’t come over tonight?”  Lance asked Justin at dinner on Saturday night. “Maybe just for a little while?”

“I don’t think so, Lance,” Justin said sadly. “I mean, I still gotta be here, and if I’m caught in your room I’ll get my ass kicked.”

“Right,” Lance said softly.

“You gonna eat that ice cream, Lance? I’m starving,” JC said, trying to get Lance to smile.

“Go ahead.”  Lance pushed the dish towards JC.  “I’m done anyway. I’ll talk to you guys later.”  Lance left the dining hall.  Justin watched him walk away.

“That was hard, lying to him,” he said, frowning.

“It was just this one time,” JC reminded him. “And it will be worth it later on.”

Lance lay awake in his bed, staring at the ceiling. It was eleven o’clock, and Justin hadn’t even come to say goodnight.  He just knew that Justin was not willing to carry on their relationship.  This was Justin’s way of pulling back.  Lance sighed, wiping away a tear. Life sucked.  His parents weren’t even coming to pick him up.  They made all kinds of excuses, and wired Chris money for a bus ticket.

He sat up suddenly as he heard a key turn in the door.  “Yes?” He called.

“Room service,” a familiar voice said.  He saw Justin’s bright grin and felt his heart skip.

“What are you…hey!”  Lance exclaimed as Joey and JC followed Justin in. “How’d you get a key?”

“We have our ways,” Joey said mysteriously. “Nah…we talked to Chris and he let us have it.  Even told the orderlies to ignore any noises coming from this room.”

“I KNEW I shoulda done this on my own, then,” Justin said, snapping his fingers.

“Pervert,” JC said, sitting on the foot of Lance’s bed.

“You’re one to talk…I heard some suspicious moans coming from the music room yesterday morning,” Justin said, and JC turned scarlet.  Lance laughed.

“What are you guys doing here?”  Lance asked.

“We came to spend the last night with you, silly,” Justin said.  “What do you think?”

“I thought…you said…” Lance said softly.

“Baby, like I would just ignore you like that,” Justin said, shaking his head.  “You’re an idiot.”

“Yeah, you are,” Joey said, ruffling Lance’s hair. “But we like you anyway.”

“We LOVE you anyway,” Justin said softly, kissing Lance’s cheek.

 

JC and Joey left at around two in the morning. Justin stayed, wrapping his body around Lance’s. “I’ll miss you so much,” he whispered, stroking Lance’s hair. “I’ll dream about you every night.”

“Do you do that dreaming with your left hand or your right?” Lance teased, and Justin lightly tugged at a lock of his hair.

“NOW who’s the pervert?” Justin asked. He sighed.  “It will be hellish here without you.”

“Chris promised you guys would be out soon…and then you’ll come find me, right?”

“You bet,” Justin vowed.

“And I gave you Eve’s address, right?  Even if I’m not living there…I don’t want you writing to me at my parents’,” Lance said.  “But I have a feeling I might take her up on her offer. When I called, she was still totally into the idea.”

“I’ll understand, you know, if you decide that you and me won’t work,” Justin said suddenly.  Lance sat up.

“What?”

“You know…I mean…there are a lot of guys out there…”

“And not one of them is you, Justin.”  Lance gave him a passionate kiss.  “Just because I’ll be living in Matthew’s house doesn’t mean that I’m gonna forget about you.  He’s my past. YOU are my future.”

“I love you, Lance,” Justin said sadly.

“I love you, too,” Lance said, lying back down.  He yawned. “God…my bus leaves in like five hours.”

“Then go to sleep.”  Justin burrowed close, putting his arms around Lance. 

 

“So…write us and all,” Joey said.  He blinked hard, trying to push the tears from his eyes.  “Let us know how things are.”

“I will. You guys write, too,” Lance said, hugging Joey.

JC didn’t try to hide his tears.  “We’ll miss you, Lance. Take it easy. One step at a time.”

“You, too.”  Lance finally turned to Justin, who was studying his sneakers.  “Justin, goodbye.”

“Bye,” Justin said sullenly.  Hurt flared in Lance’s eyes.

“Yeah.  Bye.”  Lance turned away, but Justin grabbed his arm.

“I so fucking love you.” Justin pulled Lance into a fierce hug, and Lance felt Justin’s tears on his shoulder.

“I love you, too, Justin. SO much.” Lance kissed Justin’s neck, then pulled back.  “I gotta go. Chris is waiting out in the car.”

“’Kay,” Justin sniffled.

“Bye.”  Lance gave him one last smile, then hurried out of the building.

 

 

“If you need ANYTHING, Lance, you call me, okay? I know you’re far away, but I’m here for you.  Call collect,” Chris ordered. “I want to be there if you need me, okay?”

“Watch out for Justin,” Lance said softly. “I’m afraid for him.”

“Justin?” Chris shook his head. “That boy will be okay.  And he’ll be out here with you before you know it.”

“Okay,” Lance said softly. He put his small bag up on his shoulder.  “So…I guess I’ll see you around.”

“Goodbye, Lance.” Chris gave Lance a hug.  Lance smiled, then headed for his bus.

 

Lance had a lot of time to think. All in all, the trip would take almost twelve hours, and he welcomed the solitude.  During the middle leg of his trip, a boy who reminded him of JC was seated across the aisle from him, and it made Lance’s heart ache. He never would have believed that he’d rather stay in the hospital than come home…but it was true.  Everything and everyone that he cared about was in the hospital…and nothing real was waiting for him at home.

When he finally reached the bus station in his town, Lance was exhausted. It was almost eight o’clock when he stepped off the bus. He was hungry, he was tired, and he was scared to death.

“James?”  Lance turned to see his mother standing by the door of the station. “Oh, James.”  She burst into tears and he came over to hug her.

“Mama.  I’m home.”

“James…it’s so good to see you.”  Diane sniffled, pulling back to look at him. “What have you done with your hair?”

Lance self-consciously ran his hand over the spikes that topped his blond head.  “Oh, I thought I’d change it a bit.  I like it.  One of the guys talked me into it,” Lance said, remembering how Joey had held his head under the faucet of his bathroom while Justin spiked the hair.

“It’s different…” Diane picked up his duffle.  “You have your suitcases?”

“They’re down here.”  Lance went down to the baggage area and picked up his two suitcases.  “Where’s the car?”

Diane led the way.  “Your father would have come in to get you, but…”

“Mama, please.  Don’t.”  Lance’s tone made her stop and turn around. “I know, okay? I know Dad disapproves of me. I know you do, too.  I know you guys love me, but you can’t get past everything else.  And if that’s how it is…then that’s how it is.  I’m twenty-two years old, Mama. I’m not a child. And I see how life is.”

“James, we just…”

“You’re embarrassed,” Lance said.

“We are NOT talking about this here!”  Diane hissed. “Get in the car.”  She started the ignition and he flopped into the passenger seat.  “We’re not embarrassed, James.”

Lance laughed out loud. “Oh, yes, you are. I see it in your eyes.  You didn’t raise an idiot, Mama.  I know that you hated the way it made the family look.  Your son, the fag, makes another fag kill himself.”

“James!”  Diane gasped.

“It’s true, Mama.  I saw it all the time.  And I’m finally a little better about it.  See, I found people who love me and care about me. Just how I am.”

“This boyfriend of yours?”

“His name is Justin, Mama.  And he’s incredible. He sings like an angel, LOOKS like an angel, and when he’s out here, we’re gonna hook up. We’ll probably live together, with two of our friends.  And you don’t have to worry. It won’t be anywhere around here where people know you,” Lance ended.

“James, we just want what’s best for you,” his mother said tearfully.

“And what makes YOU look best,” Lance said. “I’ve had weeks to think, Mama, weeks in which you NEVER visited, and only called once.  What should I think?”

“We were busy.”

“Okay, Mama, whatever.”  Lance stared out the window. “I’m only staying with you until I can talk to Eve.”

“James Lance Bass, you’re staying in your own home, sleeping in your own bed!”  Diane snapped.

“For now.”  Lance turned his green eyes on his mother. “I love you, Mama, but I can’t live with you. Not anymore.”

 

“Hey, Sport,” Jim Bass said, pasting a smile on his face. “Good to have you home.”

“Thanks, Dad,” Lance said politely. “I’m totally beat.  I’m gonna go shower and hit my bed.”

“I was going to make you dinner,” Diane said.

“You can cook him lunch tomorrow, Diane.  Our boy needs his rest.  Right, Sport?”

“Right, Dad,” Lance said with a sigh. “Good night.” 

Lance went upstairs and took his shower, then crawled between the covers of his familiar bed. He looked around his room, staring out the window for a long moment. He then went to his desk and dug out a notebook.  “Dear Justin,” he wrote.  “It’s hell already, and damn but I miss you.  It’s just as bad as I expected, but I’ll get through it. I’m counting the days until you’re here. I love you.”

 

Lance slept until almost noon the next morning. He yawned and stretched, wondering for a moment where he was.  He smiled as he realized he was home.  He sat up and pulled on a pair of jeans and a tshirt, tugging the wrinkled clothing from his bag.  He smiled broader as he realized that the tshirt was Justin’s.  Justin must have shoved it into his bag at the last minute.  He closed his eyes and tears hit his eyelids.  He wanted his boy.

He padded downstairs on bare feet.  “Good morning, James. I took off work today, since it’s your first day back home.”  His mother smiled at him from behind the newspaper.  “Sleep good?”

“Like a baby.”  Lance wandered into the kitchen.

“Do you want eggs? Or I could make you pancakes. I know you love my buckwheat pancakes.”  Diane followed him into the kitchen.

“Do we have any cereal?”  Lance started poking into cabinets.

“You know I don’t keep cereal in the house, James.  It’s not good for you,” Diane said in disapproval.

“Right,” Lance said, remembering the look on Justin’s face when he had found the two small boxes of cereal that Lance had gotten for him.  “I’ll just eat some toast, and then I’m gonna go talk to Eve. Is my car still out back?”

“Yes, James.  Your father warmed it up every week to keep it going,” Diane said softly. “I wish you’d reconsider, James. We want you here.”

“No, you don’t, Mama!”  Lance whirled around.  “Stop fucking pretending, okay?  For ONE second!”

“James!”  Diane said, shocked.

“Well, it got you to listen, didn’t it?”  Lance shouted.  “You keep lying. Stop, okay?  If you love me, stop!”  Lance ran out of the kitchen.  He quickly dug out his sneakers and tugged them on. He found his car keys by the front door, and he jogged out of the house.

 

Matthew’s mother worked from her home, so Lance knew she’d be home.  He nervously knocked on her door.  “Why…James!  You’re finally home!”  Eve came out onto the front porch.  She looked Lance over and smiled. “I know you said you’d be home this week, but you never know.  Well, look at you.”

“Hi, Mrs…”

“None of that Mrs. stuff. I’m Eve, and don’t you forget it.”

“Eve,” Lance said, and his smile faltered.  She pulled him into his arms.

“You look like you need a hug.  Am I right?”

“Oh, more than a hug,” Lance said. “But it will do for now.”

 

“We kept it mostly the way he had it,” Eve said, opening the door to Matthew’s room. “But you’re welcome to change anything you want.”

“No,” Lance whispered, looking around the room where he had spent so much time.  He turned around. “Eve, I need to be honest with you about something.”

“What, James?”

“First, call me Lance, okay?”  He asked, and she nodded. “I…I met someone else.  They’ll probably be contacting me here…and I didn’t want it to be weird for you.”

“Oh, honey,” Eve said softly. “I’m so glad. I didn’t want you pining away for Matthew forever.”

“I love this guy,” Lance said.  “So much. He’ll be out here soon…and hopefully he’ll come here.”

“He’s more than welcome,” Eve said, hugging Lance again.  “Now, why don’t you run along?  I’ll expect you tomorrow, and I’ll get the room ready for you. I know you have somewhere you really want to go.”

 

Lance knelt in front of the tombstone. “Hi, Matthew. I’m back. I’m home…well, kinda.  It’s funny.  We were more worried about your mom than mine…yet your mother has welcomed me into your house with open arms.”  Lance sighed and sat quietly for a long time.  “I love Justin, Matthew, and I hope you’re okay with it.  I need to move on. But never will I forget you, and part of me will always love you.”  Lance kissed his finger, touched the stone, then got up and walked away.

 

 

Lance spent the rest of the day packing up his things and shoving them into his car.  He had the car practically full by the time his father got back from work.

“What are you doing there, Sport?”  Jim asked, leaning against the hood of the car.

“Packing, Dad.”  Lance stood up, running a hand through his spiked hair. “And could you please stop calling me that?  Call me Lance, or James, if you have to, but I’m really not any kind of ‘Sport,’ and I think we both know that.”

“Okay…Lance.”  Jim walked around the car. “Why are you packing?”

“I’m moving in with Eve and John,” Lance said firmly.  “It will just be better all around.  I have some money in the bank to hold me over until I can find a part-time job in the city.”

“You’re leaving here…and moving in with them?” Jim gasped. “Why?”

“Dad, you can’t tell me that Mama hasn’t discussed this with you already,” Lance said. “I know how you guys feel about me and the decisions I’ve made.  It’s time for me to grow up and move out.”

“But you want to move…there?”

Lance slammed the trunk shut. “Dad, listen to me.  At the beginning, yes, they hated me. They had every right to. Their son killed himself because of ME and the way we felt about each other.  But then they took a step back and thought about things and realized it wasn’t my fault. Eve actually called me at the hospital to say she didn’t blame me.  You have NEVER said it wasn’t my fault. You have NEVER taken that step back to look at things in a new light.  They have, and I will feel more comfortable there until I can get my own place.”  Lance headed back to the house and Jim grabbed his arm.

“James Lance Bass…stop right there.”  Lance sighed and stopped.  “Why can’t you just…I don’t know…change?  Matthew is gone…and now you can find someone else.  A nice girl.”

“I HAVE found someone else, Dad, but it’s a nice BOY.  I’m not going to change my mind overnight just because you ask me to. I’m sorry.”  Lance pulled his arm away and headed for the house.

 

Lance finished his letter to Justin that night, and wrote one to Joey and JC as well.  He sealed the envelope of Justin’s letter, then kissed the back of the envelope. “I’m such a girl,” he mumbled to himself, grinning.  He climbed into bed and thought for a long time.  He missed Justin so much.  He hugged his pillow and closed his eyes, pretending it was Justin.  By the time it finally worked, Lance had fallen asleep.

 

Lance was up early, packing the final things into his car. There was a lot he couldn’t fit, but nothing he couldn’t come back for later.  His mother and father were both at the breakfast table, eating before they had to go to work. “Well, I guess I’m gonna drive on over, then,” he said nervously.  “You have the number if you need me.”

“Right,” his father said.  He looked as if he wanted to say more, but instead he just drank his coffee.

“James Lance, we love you. And that’s not a lie,” his mother said softly.

“Oh, Mama…” Lance came over and hugged her. “I love you, too.”  He kissed her cheek, then hurried out the door.

 

Lance stacked his boxes and bags in the hallway, then took a step into Matthew’s room.  “Do you want some breakfast, Lance?” Eve asked.

“No need for you to go to any trouble,” he replied.  “Do you have any, um, cereal?”

“Yes, I do,” she said. “Do you care what kind?”

“No,” Lance said, thinking of Justin. “Just something with a lot of sugar.” 

Eve laughed.  “Okay. I’ll let you get busy in here, then.”  She went back downstairs.

Lance sighed as he looked around the comfortable room.  He sighed and went to the chest of drawers.  He took out Matthew’s things, folded them neatly on the bed, then put his own things in the drawers. He repacked Matthew’s things into his own empty boxes.  Eve soon came up with the cereal, but she set it on the desk without speaking.  Lance took random bites as he worked, and soon the boxes were neatly stacked in the hallway once more.  He sat down at Matthew’s desk, which was under the window.  He looked out the window and daydreamed about Justin.

 

Things started to move smoother than Lance ever could have imagined.  Matthew’s father, John, welcomed him, though Lance would often catch John watching him, as if to see what his son had seen.  Matthew’s younger brother, Michael, loved Lance, and always wanted to be around him.  He got settled into Matthew’s room, writing letters to Justin every day. 

A week after he got home, Lance drove the forty minutes into the city, and looked around for a job. He finally found one as a courier for a large law firm, running documents and briefs here and there.  He hated the drive, but he liked the job, and he started to learn a lot about business law. He wondered if, when he went back to school, he might change his major to pre-law.

A letter arrived from Joey Lance’s second week at Matthew’s home.  A letter arrived from JC the next week. But nothing from Justin.  Lance wrote and wrote, and three weeks went by.  Nothing from Justin.  Joey was released a month after Lance got out, and JC the week after that.  The week after that, Lance’s letter to Justin was returned with “Addressee Unknown, Return To Sender” stamped across the front.  Lance cried himself to sleep.

 

 

“Lance, there’s some mail for you!”  Michael announced as soon as Lance walked in the door. “It’s on the table!”

“DINNER will be on the table in five minutes, boys,” Eve announced.  “Michael, go wash your hands and leave Lance alone.”

“Yes, Mom.”  Michael trudged off to the bathroom as Lance went to the small table in the hallway.  Yes, there was a letter for him, but not from Justin. It was from JC.  Lance sat down on the steps and tore the envelope.

“Lance, how are you?  Fine here.  Joey’s home in New York for a few weeks, and I’m here in Maryland. I hate it and I miss Joey! I’ve already written like three songs about him, and we’ve barely been apart a few weeks.  He’s going to come down here in two weeks, and then we’re going to start looking for a place. Maybe we’ll plan a trip down your way.

“Lance, I don’t know what to tell you about Justin. I’m not sure why he didn’t write you back. We assumed you were writing to him, of course, but he never mentioned anything about your letters.  I know he missed you. Please believe that.  He hardly ever smiled, and he became this Justin shell instead of the Justin we know and love.  I don’t have an address for him at his mom’s, so I can’t help you there. I assumed he would give it to you.  Anyway, I’ll drop you a line when we get our plans together.  I can’t wait to see you.  Love, JC (and Joey, too, if he knew I was writing to you).”

Lance sighed and let the letter lay in his lap.  “No, Justin didn’t give me his address there.  He told me he’d call me here,” he mumbled.

“Lance?”  Eve wandered out into the hallway. “You okay?”

“Yes. Fine. I’m sorry. I’ll go wash up.”  Lance took his bag and the letter and went upstairs. 

When he came back down, John and Michael were already at the table. “Look, Lance! Spaghetti! That’s my favorite,” Michael announced.

“It smells heavenly,” Lance agreed, sitting down. “I swear, I’ve gained fifteen pounds since I moved in here.”

“Hardly,” Eve said, blushing slightly.

“Dig in, boys,” John said, handing Lance the spoon for the pasta.  “Lance, I want you to know, it’s been wonderful having you here with us.  At first, I wasn’t quite sure how I’d feel…but in a way, it’s like having a part of Matthew still here.”

Lance smiled.  “I feel the same way. I know I’d be miserable at home…even though my parents love me, they’re not ready to accept me.  I really REALLY appreciate everything you’ve done for me here.  I mean it.”

“Good.  We’ve loved having you,” Eve told him.  Lance raised an eyebrow.

“It sounds like you’re kicking me out or something.”

“Of course not!” Eve exclaimed, and everyone else laughed.  “Lance, do you mind if I ask what had you so down out there in the hall?”

“Um, the person I thought was my…well…boyfriend hasn’t contacted me since I’m out here.  No letters.  He’s ignored every letter I’ve sent to him, and he hasn’t called. I have no real way of getting in touch with him…and even our mutual friends don’t know what’s going on.”  Lance toyed with his spaghetti. “I’m not sure what to think.”

“I’m sorry,” Eve said softly, placing a hand on Lance’s arm.

“I think he sounds like a jerk,” Michael announced.

“Michael!”  John snapped. Lance smiled.

“It’s okay. He can be kinda dumb when he wants to,” Lance told Michael.  “But I love him, and I thought he loved me.”

“The way you loved Matthew?” Michael asked, and everyone looked at him.  “I know you loved him.  And I know he loved you. I could tell.  It was kinda weird, but I saw it.  You love this dumb jerk guy that much?”

“More,” Lance said softly.

“Then he’s an extra big jerk,” Michael decided, and Lance laughed out loud.

“Lance, John and I wanted to talk to you about something,” Eve said, looking at her husband. John nodded.  “I know you like being here, and we love having you, but I’m sure it would be better for you to be out on your own…away from the memories.”

“You ARE kicking me out,” Lance said softly.

“Not in the way you think,” John said.  He picked something out of his shirt pocket and slid it to Lance.  Lance unfolded it.

“A check?” Lance asked, then he read the check. “Oh my gosh…I can’t take this!”

“It’s the money that was left in Matthew’s college fund,” Eve said softly. “We don’t need it, and Michael has his own fund. We thought you could take it and get a place in the city…closer to work.  Maybe even start going back to school.”

“I…I can’t!”  Lance said weakly.  “You can’t!”

“Yes, we can.  We have the authority to do it,” John said with a small smile. “Matthew would want you to have it, Lance. He’d want you to move on.”

“I…I don’t know what to say,” Lance whispered.

“Say you’ll come back and visit,” Eve said, and Lance got up to hug her.

 

Lance started looking the very next day during his lunch hour, and he soon found the perfect apartment. It was two bedrooms, within his price range, and within walking distance of both his work and the local community college.  He almost danced with joy, and the landlord couldn’t help but laugh.  “You got some friends moving in with you?”  The man asked. “It’s pretty big for just one guy.”

Lance frowned. “I, uh, maybe. I don’t know.”

“Well, you can start moving in this weekend okay?  I’ll have my wife clean it up for ya.”

“Thank you. THANK you.” Lance shook the man’s hand ferociously.

Lance spent the next three days packing. He packed before work.  He packed late into the night. He couldn’t believe he would have his own apartment in the city.  It would save on gas, and he could start putting money away, little by little, so he could go back to school.

“I wish you weren’t moving,” Michael said sullenly on Saturday morning as they packed Lance’s car and John’s pickup truck.  Lance didn’t have much, but he had picked up the rest of the things from his parents’ house as well.  “I’ll miss you. Life will suck without you.”

“Did life suck before I was here?” Lance teased, shoving a box of books into his back seat.

“Yeah,” Michael said.  “When you got here, it was like Matt was back all over again.”

“Oh, Michael.  I’m so sorry.”  Lance gave Michael a hug.  “Really sorry. And you can come visit any time you want, okay?  I have tons of room. You can bring your Playstation, and we can play until three in the morning.”

“Really?  You promise?”

“I promise.”  Lance hugged Michael again and went back to packing.

 

Lance spent his first night in his new apartment writing out change of address cards.  He sent cards to his family, and also to Joey, JC and Chris.  JC had written again, saying they were planning on leaving in a week to drive down, and Lance just hoped the card would reach him in time.  He could just see JC and Joey driving all over the South, looking for him.  That thought made him smile.

Lance hardly saw his new apartment during his first two weeks there. He was doing some overtime clerical work at the law firm, and he didn’t even have time to do more than put his bed together and put placemats on the old dining room table Eve had given him.  His boss finally ordered him to relax during the weekend, and Lance planned on doing that very thing. He wanted to buy curtains, though he knew nothing about curtains. He wanted to get some paintings or something to hang up, and he wanted a stereo. Nothing fancy, but he missed having music.  His clock radio just wasn’t cutting it.

Lance stumbled up the steps of his apartment Saturday afternoon, carrying a small stereo in one arm and a large framed painting in the other.  He panted as he climbed the stairs to the second floor, where his apartment was set at the end of the hallway. He heard voices and sighed.  The neighbors at the opposite end of the hall were always entertaining people, and sometimes it got loud. 

“And then he took the totally wrong turn. It ends up I had the map upside down!”  A familiar voice said, laughing.

“Yeah…we were fifteen fucking miles out of the way before he realized it,” another voice griped.

“But you still love me,” the first voice said, and Lance heard kissing sounds.  Lance peeked around the corner, slowly setting down his burden.

“Lance!”  Joey yelled, running down the hall.  “Hey, man!  Surprise!”

“Hi, Lance,” JC said, walking behind Joey.  They enveloped him in a hug.

“I can’t believe you guys are here!  You didn’t warn me!”  Lance said, laughing as he allowed himself to be hugged.

“We did…we called where you WERE living. Why the hell didn’t you tell us you moved, dipshit?” Joey asked, ruffling Lance’s spikes.

“I did. I sent a change of address card to JC, but you must’ve just…” Lance looked over Joey’s shoulder. “…missed it,” he finished weakly, looking at Justin.

 

 

“Hi, Lance,” Justin said, a nervous grin flitting across his face.

“Hello, Justin,” Lance said coldly.  “Well…let’s not stand out here.”  He dug into his pocket for the key to his apartment.  JC picked up the painting and Joey grabbed the stereo. “It’s not much, but it’s home sweet home.”  Lance opened the door and everyone went in.

“Wow, Lance, this is huge!”  JC exclaimed, poking his head into the different rooms.  “Two bedrooms?”

“Yeah.  I really don’t use the one…um…Justin can sleep in there…you guys can have my bed, it’s bigger. I’ll take the sofa.”  Lance walked around and opened some windows. “There’s a bakery down on the corner. If the wind’s right, you can catch the smells.”

“Oh, I would LOVE that,” Joey said.  He walked over to a small door. “A balcony?”

“More like a roof,” Lance said with a laugh. “But I sit out there sometimes in the morning, with my coffee.”

“So…why don’t me and Joey run down for some of that fresh-baked bread?” JC said, plucking at Joey’s shirt. “We’ll be right back.”

“But…” Lance said helplessly.

“See ya!”  Joey said cheerfully, hurrying out the door with JC.  Lance looked at Justin, who was standing by the window.

“This place is really nice,” Justin said softly.  Lance glared at him.

“Thank you.  What the fuck are you doing here?”

Justin blinked. “I…came to see you.”

“Why?”

“Because I…”

“Don’t even fucking say because you love me, Justin.  If you loved me, you wouldn’t have just disappeared off the face of the planet.  If you loved me, you would have answered at least ONE of the nine million letters I sent you.  If you loved me, you would have called when you got out of the hospital.  So…I’m sure there’s another reason.”

“Lance…” Justin said weakly. “I need to explain.”

“There’s nothing to explain,” Lance said, going to the closet for an extra set of sheets.  “You wanted to end it. Fine. You could have done it a little more maturely.” He went into the spare bedroom and Justin followed him.

“I didn’t WANT to end it, Lance!  I still don’t.  I have a good reason for not talking to you.”

“Well, I do.”  Lance turned and looked at Justin.

“You do what?”

“I DO want to end it, Justin. Consider us ended, okay?  You can stay in my apartment, sleep in this bed, but once the others leave, I want you out of my life.”  Lance stormed out of the room, leaving Justin standing alone.

 

“This is so nice,” JC said with a sigh, laying on Lance’s sofa with his head on Joey’s lap.  “Just…right.”

“What was the first thing you did when you got out?” Lance asked him.

“I went for a long walk to a park near my house,” JC said.  “And then I went and ate like a half a pizza all by myself.”

Lance laughed. “Joey?”

“I saw my daughter,” he said softly, and Lance saw the pain in his eyes.  “Her mom, you know, didn’t really want me to, but I did anyway.  She’s so beautiful.”

“What did you do?” Justin asked Lance.  Lance’s eyes grew stormy.

“I wrote a letter to you.”  He stood. “Speaking of pizza…I’m gonna order some.  Two large will be enough, right?”

“I think so,” Joey said, watching Justin.  Lance went into the kitchen to use the phone.  “Dude, didn’t you even explain?”

“Yes, I did!”  Justin hissed.  “I tried to, anyway. He doesn’t want to listen.  I can’t make him listen!”  Justin said almost frantically.

JC looked at him solemnly.  “We’ll make him listen to you.”

 

“I think you’re an anal retentive fuckhead!” Joey yelled later that night, as everyone got ready for bed.

“And I think you’re a child!  When will you learn to control your temper?”  JC snapped.

“I’m not sleeping with you. You can deal with him, Justin.” Joey went into the bedroom and slammed the door, locking it.

“The hell…I’m sleeping alone.” JC went into Lance’s bedroom and locked the door behind him.  Justin and Lance looked at each other.

“What the hell was that about?” Lance asked.

“I have no clue. I’ve never heard them fight before.”  Justin shuddered.  “Um…”

“You can have the sofa. I’ll sleep on the floor.”  Lance grabbed a blanket and pillow.

“Lance.”  Justin put a hand on Lance’s arm. “Listen to me, okay?”

“Fine.”  Lance crossed his arms and glared at Justin.

“You left and I was so fucking miserable. I started like a million letters to you…but I couldn’t send them to you.  I just…I felt like you deserved more than me.”

“What?” Lance whispered, sitting down on the sofa.  Justin sat next to him.

“You already had one coward take the easy way out…I’m not any better than him. And you were back home, in his house…and I just thought you’d be better without me. You’re so smart, Lance.  You could find someone who’s smart like you, who can do a lot of things.”  Justin ran a hand through his curls. “I’m a college dropout who freaked because he realized he was gay. How do you explain THAT to your parents when you bring me home to meet them?”

“Justin, I cannot believe you’re saying this,” Lance gasped. “I thought we covered this before I left.”

“We did…but I started to reconsider things.  I wasn’t going to contact you…but then I called JC one day when I was lonely and he kinda talked me into coming down here. I figured you’d be pretty pissed.”

“No, Justin, I wasn’t pissed.  I was hurt. My heart was broken.” Lance clenched his hands into fists.  “Joey promised me that you wouldn’t hurt me, that you wouldn’t leave me like Matthew did…but you did it anyway.”

“I’m sorry,” Justin said softly.  “I thought I was doing what was best for you. I thought you should move on.”

“I DID move on. I moved on from being heartbroken over a dead man to being heartbroken over a man who might as well have been dead,” Lance told him.  Justin’s eyes filled with tears.

“Lance, I love you so much. Can you ever forgive me?”

“I don’t know, Justin.”  Lance lay down on the floor. “Right now I just want to sleep.”  Justin lay down on the sofa, but he didn’t sleep for hours.

 

“Well, did it work?” JC asked the next morning, as Joey and Lance made breakfast. “Did you two make up?”

“I explained and he listened,” Justin said miserably.  “He hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you,” JC scolded.

“Oh, by the way, me and Jayce aren’t fighting anymore,” Joey announced, bringing a bowl of scrambled eggs to the table.

“Good. That freaked me the hell out,” Lance told him. “Kids, breakfast,” he said to JC and Justin. They came to the table.

“So…me and Jayce were thinking…we thought we might move down around here somewhere,” Joey said as he poured his orange juice.  Lance spit out his eggs.

“Really?”

“Yeah.  JC wants that horse, and I could use some peace and quiet.  I think if the three of us pooled our resources, we could find a small house or something, right?” Joey asked. Lance nodded slowly.

“Cost of living out here isn’t that high…I can call Eve, see if she knows anyplace.”  He looked at Justin.  “You gonna live with us, too?”

“I didn’t know if I was welcome,” Justin said.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake. Will you two just kiss and make up already?” Joey snapped. “Justin, ignoring Lance’s letters was a retarded thing to do.  If he said he loved you, you should have trusted in that love.  Lance, Justin was a dumbass who fucked up royally. But he loves you…and you need to see that.”  Joey looked at them expectantly.  “Well?”

Lance looked at Justin for a long moment, watching Justin bite at his lower lip. “I still love you.”

“Good.”  Joey sighed with relief.  He picked up his plate and JC’s.  “C’mon, Jayce. Let’s eat in the bedroom.”  He and JC went into the bedroom, closing the door behind them.

“You do?” Justin whispered.

“So damn much,” Lance said, his voice faltering.

“Oh, God.”  Justin fell to his knees by Lance’s chair, and Lance hugged him.  Justin kissed Lance, his tears falling over their lips. “Lance, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.  I’d never mean to hurt you!”

“I know, Justin. I’m sorry I didn’t listen.  But…I just couldn’t figure it out…I imagined all kinds of awful things.”

“Never again…I’ll never be away from you again,” Justin promised, and they kissed once more.

The End

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