What’ll I Do

By;  Lara

Track eleven

“What’ll I Do”

 

 

What’ll I do for satisfaction?  Honey, who’ll take care of me now? If you leave, I can’t make it, darlin’ please don’t you put me down…

 

 

“We have to tell them.”  Joey’s dark gaze was unwavering.  Chris stared at him as the bus rolled on.

“Joey, we’re about ten minutes from the hotel, and we actually have the two-person bus. Do we HAVE to discuss this now?” Chris gave him his best smile. It didn’t work.

“We need to tell them.  These are our brothers.  They’ll understand. They’ll be happy for us. I’m sick of trying so hard to hide it.”

“Joe…we can’t. We tell one person and it spreads and then everyone knows.” Chris began to pace frantically.

“Are you that ashamed?”

“No, Joey, not like that.” Chris dropped to his knees in front of Joey. “You know how I feel about you…about us.  I thank God every damn day that he dropped you into my life. But…I don’t…” Chris couldn’t explain. Couldn’t explain what it was like growing up and hearing the laughter, the teasing, the snickers. Finally he was on top. If anyone found out he was gay…the laughter…the evil laughter…it would all start again. 

“If you don’t tell them, I will.”

The bus shuddered to a stop outside the hotel.  “If you tell them, I’m leaving you.”  Chris said the words as his heart broke.  They saw Justin walk off the other bus and come to bang on their door.

“Don’t bother.”  Joey grabbed his duffel.  “I’m gone.”

“Joe,” Chris said weakly, but Joey was already out the door and into the parking lot, smiling at the handful of fans that had congregated outside the hotel at three in the morning.

 

“Chris, which radio station are we going to again?” JC asked as he sleepily climbed into the car that was to bring them to the radio station.

“I dunno,” Chris said. “Joey…” He froze as Joey’s solid brown stare met his.  “Joey has my schedule book.”

“Lance?”  JC asked.  Lance promptly rattled off the name of the station as Joey silently handed Chris a small bag.

“You left this stuff in my bag by accident, I think,” Joey said.  Chris nodded and said nothing.

When he had five minutes alone before the interview, Chris dug through the bag.  His notebook was indeed in the bag, along with a gold chain, some random personal articles, and his favorite gold ring that never left Joey’s person.  Until now.  Fuck.

 

“Joey,” Chris said, running up to Joey as they returned to the hotel after the interview. “Wanna grab some breakfast?”

“Nah…I’m tired. Gonna hit the hay for the rest of the afternoon.  I’ll see you at soundcheck.”  Joey disappeared into his suite.  Chris pounded his fist into the wall and went to his own room.

 

‘Cause what’ll I do for satisfaction if you take away your heart?  What’ll I do for satisfaction when that funny funny feeling’s gone?  Oh what’ll I do?

 

 

“Chris, I swear by all that is holy, if you do not either go DO something or sit your ass in one place, I will kick it,” Lance snapped three days later as Chris played imaginary hopscotch on the floor of Lance’s hotel room.  “Why are you even in here?”

“Bored…lonely.”

“Where’s JC?”

“Out.”

“Justin?”

“On the phone with Britney.”

Lance rolled his eyes. That would equal phone sex, then.  They wouldn’t see Justin for the rest of the night.  “How about Joey?  You guys are always together.”

Chris paused, hopping on one foot.  Joey.  The man he loved. The man he had pushed away.  The man who hadn’t talked to him for three days.  Chris looked at Lance, slowly putting his foot down. Lance and Joey were incredibly close. Could he tell Lance? Would Lance give him an answer?  No.  He knew the answer.  Come clean with Joey, and then with the guys. But he still couldn’t do that.  “Yeah…well…I said something that pissed him off. You know.”  Chris shrugged.  “I’ll go back to my room. Sorry if I bothered you.”

“Hey, Chris, wait!”

But Chris was already out the door and heading for his room across the hall. He unlocked the door, tossed the keycard down, and flopped onto the sofa.  “Dammit,” he sulked.  He was miserable. And it was only three days. 

Joey was amazing.  Sexier then any human had a right to be. Funny.  Kind…the most open-hearted person Chris knew.  And smart.  Smarter then anyone gave him credit for. When he was with Joey, everything was cool.  Joey actually took care of him. Chris’ scatterbrained ways got him lost half the time, though he was as intelligent as anyone else. Joey kept him…grounded.  Chris couldn’t name the empty place in his gut right now, but he knew it had something to do with Joey Fatone.

 

I can’t take no more of missing you…I don’t know just what I’m gonna do…How can I love another…you don’t know just what you mean to me…

 

Three weeks later and Joey was out on a date.  Chris stared at JC when he told him.  “Yeah…just tore out of here with some girl. I dunno WHO she was.”

“Really?”  Chris sat down hard on the sofa in JC’s room, ignoring the fact that he had sat on JC’s sneakers and JC’s feet were still in them.  “A date?”

“Yeah…you should look into it sometime, if someone was dumb enough to put up with you,” JC teased kindly.

“I was the dumb one,” Chris said, mostly to himself.  “I was dumb enough to let them go.”  His eyes were sad as he looked at JC.  So sad JC was shocked.

“Jesus, Chris…are you okay?”  JC sat up, pulling his feet from under Chris’ backside.

“No.” Chris ran a hand through his hair. “I can’t sleep more then three hours a night.”  That’s because the bed was way too empty.  He and Joey usually ended up together at night.  “I’m not really hungry.”  Food tasted bland when there was no threat of a food fight with Joey.  “I just…God, JC…I’m miserable.”

“What’s wrong, man?” JC rubbed Chris’ back sympathetically.

“Okay…I have a friend, okay? And he…um…he was a jackass…and he said something…well, actually, it’s what he DIDN’T say…and that pushed his best friend away.  And he wants to grovel, you know, like really kiss ass…just to get the guy to talk to him, ya know?  And the best friend, see, he won’t even give him the time of day.  He like…works with him…ya know…at the same office and all? And he just works with him…and as soon as it’s five o’clock, the best friend is punching the time card and rolling out the door.” On a date, Chris mentally added.

“Jeez…that sounds bad.  Maybe he could find a new best friend.”

“He doesn’t WANT a new best friend. He wants this one.  He didn’t know…you know…how much the friend meant to him…and now he’s gone…even has a new best friend.”

“Could your friend like…write the best friend a letter?” JC suggested.  “Get it to him somehow and then he’ll have to listen.”

“Yeah…good idea, Jayce. Thanks.”  Chris leaned over and gave JC a hug before leaving the room, deep in thought.

 

What’ll I do for satisfaction if you take away your heart?  What’ll I do for satisfaction when my nights start to getting long?  Boy, I love you…wanna hold you…your love’s strong and that’s no lie…and I hate to put down…but if you…if you leave me now…you won’t want me hangin’ around…

 

 

Chris sat for a long moment, staring at the empty notebook in front of him. What could he tell Joey that would make him see that he KNEW he had acted like a jerk?  He chewed on the top of his pen.  They had only been together for three or four months…but it had been so perfect until HE, Chris, screwed it up.  Chris always knew he was gay, or at least bisexual.  The relationships he had had were always with women, but he knew he was attracted to men.  He never thought, however, that he would want to spend the rest of his LIFE with only one man…until he and Joey had fallen for each other.

They had known each other for ages, of course, and nothing had sparked between them.  Until one night when Joey was drunk and had crashed at Chris’ house.  Chris had gotten him all tucked into the spare bedroom when Joey threw a clumsy hand around his shoulders and pulled him down for an even clumsier kiss.  Chris had practically run from the room after Joey had smiled sleepily at him and passed out.  The next morning, Chris watched Joey carefully.  Joey had looked up at him over his cup of coffee, brown eyes sad. “If you wanna hate me, go ahead,” Joey said quietly. “I mean…I remember what I did. I kissed you and I’m sorry.  I guess…I’m attracted to you. I have been, ya know, for a while, but lately…”

Chris didn’t know what to say.  “Joey…don’t…don’t apologize,” he surprised himself by saying.  He surprised Joey, too.  “I wish…hell…I wish you woulda said something sooner.”

So they started hanging out at a totally different level. The friendship was the same, but physically…Chris felt like his body was on a carousel, spinning at some erotically fast speed. Joey made his fingers tremble, his heart pound, and he wouldn’t even go into how he made the rest of his body feel. Chris felt as if they were made for each other…and then he had gone and fucked it up.

He looked down at the paper once more.  Nights were longer, days were eternities…there was no relief from the pain of missing Joey.  And he knew that only one thing could get Joey’s love back.  Chris knew that it was the only thing that could make it better…making Joey love him again. Joey’s love had surrounded him until he felt practically invincible…and it had taken Chris losing that love to realize how much he had even had it.

 

“Hey,” Chris said quietly to Joey the next morning.  Joey was the first one down to breakfast, and Chris had been waiting all freaking morning for him to come down.  “Late night?”

“Not really,” Joey said, shrugging as he spread grape jelly on his toast.  “What’s up?”

“I…uh…found this.”  Chris waved a notebook in the air.  He had dug through the bottom of every bag he had with him, but he finally found something of Joey’s that he had accidentally kept.  “It’s yours.”

“Oh.  Thanks.” Joey took it and placed it beside his plate.  Chris’ eyes wandered down to where the precious letter was peeking out from behind the front cover. 

“Yeah…well…I’m gonna shower. I guess I’ll see you around.”  Chris could not disguise the pain in his voice, and he could not keep from saying one more thing.  “The nights are damn long without you.”  He turned around and walked away, and he knew that Joey was watching him.

 

“Chris, look at me.”  JC patiently turned Chris’ face so that his blue eyes met brown ones.  “We are NOT adding Mr. Roboto to our playlist.”

“Aw, Josh, c’mon!”  Chris protested, giggling at the stern look on JC’s face. Even if Joey never read it, the letter Chris had given him made him feel better than he had in days.  “It would be so cool.  Lance could do that low part…you know…and I can just hear me and…uh…Joey…doing the high part…” Chris’ voice faltered slightly as he mentioned Joey’s name.  “Secret secret…I’ve got a secret…”

“Styx rules, man,” Justin added helpfully from his seat on the floor of JC’s hotel room.  His feet were up on the sofa, and he tossed a ball in the air. JC caught it.

“You’re not old enough to even know who Styx IS,” JC snapped, irritated that everyone had decided to crash in HIS room during one of their rare free afternoons.  “Lance?”  He looked to Lance for help, since Joey had not yet made an appearance.

“Isn’t there some better Styx song we could do…like “Babe” or “Too Much Time on My Hands,” Chris?”  Lance offered.

“Or that sailing song…” Justin suggested.

“We’ve already DONE a sailing song,” Chris snapped back.

“Hey…what are we fighting about?” Joey said, letting himself into the room.

Chris watched him carefully and ordered his mouth to work.  “I wanna do Mr. Roboto in concert and JC Stick Up His Ass Chasez said no.”

“Who died and put you in charge?” Joey asked JC cheerfully.

“Chris is gonna die if he doesn’t cut it out,” JC said tiredly.  Chris leaned over and kissed JC’s smooth cheek.

“I love you, JC.”

“Whatever.”  But JC gave Chris a grudging smile.  Chris looked at Joey, who was folding and unfolding a piece of paper. Chris caught sight of his own handwriting and held his breath.

“Chris has something to tell you guys,” Joey said seriously, flopping down between Chris and Justin on the floor.  Chris looked at him, swallowing deeply. “Don’t you, Chris?”

“Um, yeah.” Chris stared at the threads in the rug, then at the worn fringes of his shoelaces.  He felt a strong yet supportive hand on his back, warm through his shirt.  He looked at Joey, at his eyes.

“I’m right here,” Joey said softly, and Chris turned to the others.

“Um…well…I’m gay,” Chris said.  “Well, I’m bisexual. And…well…I’m with someone.”  He looked at Joey. “Someone I love and kinda fucked over recently…but I said if he would give me a second chance, I’d come clean to you guys.”

“You and Joe?”  Justin scratched his head and looked from one to the other.  “That’s a kinda scary thought, but it’s cool, I guess.  If you’re INTO that.”

“Trust me, Curly, if you had me you’d be into it,” Joey said proudly, and everyone laughed.

Lance started to talk to Joey, while JC reached out to lightly slap Chris on the arm. “A friend and his best friend, huh?”  Chris blushed under JC’s intense gaze.  JC smiled.  “Cool.  Happy for you.  All worked out?”

“Yeah,” Chris said softly, feeling Joey’s arm snake around his waist as Joey insisted that Justin would never know what hit him if he had one night with Joey.  But Justin never would have one night with Joey…because Chris was never gonna have another night WITHOUT him.

The End

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