Fallin’

By: Carm

Why shouldn’t I be happy? I mean, I’ve got fucking splendor, ya know? Okay, so he’s not home all that time. In fact, lately, he’s been not home a lot. And it’s all cool, ‘cause I know he’s thinking about me as much as I’m thinking about him. Everybody tells me so. And he shows me so when I come home. It’s all just so spectacular, how much he means to me; how much he does for me. He holds me when I cry, he tickles me until I cry, he plays with me when I’m in a goofy mood and listens to me when I feel like bitchin’ up a storm about everything and nothing. He’s just what any girl could ask for. Slightly dangerous, yet has the kindest of hearts. He’s got that tinge of bad boy that’s just enough for me to hold on to with fervor when he comes home. He’s AJ McLean. *shrug* What can I say? I love him.

~*~

It’s really not that nice sitting here alone. I don’t even remember when he asked me to move in here, or even why I agreed to. Maybe it was because we were lying in the bed when he asked. That could be it. With us lying together, sweating, breathless, our limbs tangled up in each other’s-- I rarely am able to come up with a coherence enough to do anything but say yes, because saying no meant reasons and right then, I couldn’t see any. But still-- that’s not the point. The point is that I’m sitting in his house, bored on another weekend, rearranging the closets and the cabinets, because he’s not home when he should be. This isn’t about not being able to handle him not being home. It’s about the times when he should be home because he has no reason not to be, and he’s not. When everyone else is home, but not AJ. And I can pretty much guess where he is. But, I’m not gonna say it. ‘Cause then, I’d be even more upset. I don’t really need to do that. If I get anymore blue, I’ll be a nice plump blueberry.

~*~

Wanna know what the fun parts are? And no, I’m not gonna put in that they’re few and far in between. They’re actually pretty often when we can both handle. But, anyway, the fun parts-- well, other than the ones behind closed doors-- are when we’re out with friends and just having a good time. It’s like-- I don’t really know how to explain it. See-- I’ve dated others before that were totally different around their friends with me. Or else he didn’t even put us in the same circles, cause like-- I guess they were all ashamed or something. But see, AJ, he’s cool with it, and his friends are so nice. And when we’re all out, maybe just hangin’ around in some city doing nothing when they have a day or two off, they’re all just being idiots and it’s nice. And I’m included, so it’s even nicer.

Nick, Bri, Kev, D-- they all make me feel like part of that family and-- it makes me feel real good.

~*~

Can I call him one name? Just one word, two syllables, often bleeped partially on nationally televised shows? Okay.. here goes... asshole!! That’s all I can think of when I even hear his name. Maybe I should have made that two words, four syllables? FUCKING asshole. That’s what he is. I sit here and wait for him when he asks me to. When he’s home and I’m the one gone on business, I call him with updates when he wants me to. I love him and give to him and let him have all of me and what does he do? He sees his little whore and he stops coming home. He could at least have the decency to tell me, ya know? Tell me the truth. That he doesn’t love me. He doesn’t want me. ‘Cause then I could leave. I could take my shit and walk right out of the fucking door and not think about him anymore, but he knows I won’t do it on my own. He has to tell me before I just do that and he won’t do it. Why? Because he needs a backup for when, as always, he realizes that she’s not good for him. She’s just using him. But-- dammit, AJ. Just because she uses you, it doesn’t give you the right to do the same damned thing to me.

~*~

“What are you doing?”

“I’m leaving, you asshole. I can’t take this anymore. In and out, again and again. It’s too hard on me.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t play stupid with me, Alex. You know what you’re doing and if you think I’m staying-- God. I’m not gonna do it, Alex. No bloody way.”

“You don’t have to leave. We can talk about this. Seriously. Come on, Baby Girl, don’t--”

“Don’t what? Stop the confusion? ‘Cause that’s all this is. Tons and tons of confusion. And-- dammit, why can’t you just admit to me that you saw her. That you were with her. That the last two nights when you claimed to be up in Georgia with Brian you were sleeping with her.”

“I--”

“Don’t lie. I called him and you weren’t there.”

*silence*

“Fine. I was with her. Is that what you want to hear?”

“No! I don’t want to hear anything! I’m such a fucking fool! It’s just so fucking not fair and I’m tired as hell of all of your bullshit!”

He’s a fucking asshole, like I said. Has he said anything about not seeing her anymore? No. I’m standing here crying my fucking eyes out, just ripping things from the closet and throwing them in my bag. I don’t know how to fucking handle this anymore. I’ve never felt this way about someone. It’s always been one way or the other. I’m either in love or I’m out of love. Simple.

But I guess that was asking for too much with AJ. He’s too-- gripping? I don’t know. But he’s just so-- SO-- ya know? I can’t deny it. I can hate him with all of my soul, and then still love him with my entire heart. It’s so confusing and only gets more so when he grabs my arms.

“Let me go!”

“Not until you listen to me!”

“What is there to hear? You’ve been cheating on me. Leaving me here, not telling me the truth and you want me to actually stay here with you? Like this? While you hurt me over and over again?”

“I’m not trying to hurt you! I’m just trying to love you!”

“Love me! Ha! Loving me is not running to that bitch’s house. Loving me isn’t lying to me. Loving me-- You know, as much as you say you love me, and as much as you make me delirious when you kiss me or touch me or just look at me-- you give me just as much pain. How could you do that to me?”

“I’m sorry! I’m just-- I’m a fucking idiot, okay?”

“Damn right you are!”

“I’m sabotaging my life, myself. I’ve been going back to her for so long that it’s hard. I mean, just going cold turkey.”

“Stop. I’m not going to feel sorry for you. You did this to yourself.”

“Don’t you think I know that!! And I’m trying to stop, but I can’t do that alone.”

“You wouldn’t wanna stop if you hadn’t finally come home and seen me packing up. You’re not sincere.”

“Yes, I am. You know when I’m sincere, Baby Girl. You always have.”

Crying should be illegal for the guilty party. I know he can call ‘em up at will. He’s a damn good actor. But it’s not fair to me, ‘cause he’s got the most tortured look on his face that I just-- it’s hard to back away from. And it’s enough to make me remember that I do love him. I hate him, but I love him, and I’ll hate him again and love him again, more than likely. It’s a goddamned shame that I do this, but I can’t stop what I can’t explain. There are a million more men in the world that I can have cheat on me. So why is it that I pick this one? Why can’t I just stop fallin’ in and out of love with him?

The End

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