Don’t Wanna Lose You Now

By: Eboni Ardell Harris

Chapter 1

“Hey AJ, do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?” Nick Carter asked his band mate AJ McLean out of the blue. He had been lounging in his bunk, when AJ had trooped back to the back of the bus, and couldn’t resist the urge to ask his obnoxious question for the day. AJ groaned and threw himself inside his bunk, “I don’t know Nick, humor me,” he said in almost a growl.

“So it was you!” Nick looked enlightened, then he burst out laughing at AJ’s gullible reaction to his easy to avoid being embarrassed question.

AJ blinked for a few seconds trying to grasp the concept of the stupid joke Nick had made that had apparently insulted his person.

Brian Littrell sat on the top bunk, the one above Nick, with a slight smile on his face, “Isn’t that joke a little old Nick?”

“It’s a classic,” Nick argued, “and besides, AJ still doesn’t get it.” Nick snickered to himself. His snickers were cut off as AJ positioned himself in front of his bunk and shoved him back into the hard bus wall, “It wasn’t funny, dumb ass! Leave me alone!” With that, AJ flung himself back inside his bunk and abruptly shut the curtain.

Nick was left paralyzed against the wall, “What was that about?”

Brian sighed, and shook his head. He went back to what he was doing.

“How much longer until we get to Boston?” Nick asked, losing his playful tone, he now sounded tired.

“A few more hours Nick, get some sleep,” Brian suggested as he carefully folded the notebook paper he had written on and stuffed it inside an envelope.

“That was a good show,” Nick offered to the silence that had clouded The Backstreet Boys once they left the stage.

Brian nodded, just to let him know that he heard him. Other than that Nick received no acknowledgment for his comment.

“I’m just glad there’s only a few more shows to go before this whole thing is over,” Kevin sighed.

Brian nodded, “Leighanne is anxious for me to get home to her.”

“Is she still laying on the pressure for you two to get married this year?” Kevin asked curiously.

Brian lowered his head, “Yeah… “

Kevin sighed noisily, “Well you should consider yourself lucky, at least you have someone to come home to. I just have a…”

“WILL YOU GUYS STOP IT WITH THE SELF- PITY already, you’re makin’ me sick!” AJ screamed. He dressed quickly without showering to get out of the dressing room as soon as possible.

“We’re makin’ you sick? You’re making us sick with this attitude that you’ve been having for weeks! What happened, did you and Amanda have another lover’s quarrel or something?” Brian turned on AJ, his face flushing with anger. It was unusual for Brian to get so angry so quickly, but he had.

AJ was at Brian’s throat in a heartbeat, “Don’t you ever bring up my relationships in any conversation that is…”

“Cool it you two,” Kevin stepped in between them, playing the role of the big brother once again with a sigh.

“Stop touching me!” AJ jumped back from Kevin’s restraining hands. He whirled on Brian, “For your information Miss Latona and I are finished. For good! I hope to never see that bitch again!”

Everyone in the room blinked at AJ’s brash choice of word towards his long-time girlfriend Amanda Latona.

AJ gathered the rest of his belongings and headed for the door.

“What crawled up his butt-hole?” Brian muttered loudly, “He acts as if he is the only one who has problems! I’m sick of him taking all of his feelings out on us! It’s getting to where I can’t stand the guy anymore!” Brian threw a few items into his bags, and also skipped out on his shower as he slammed out of the door as well.

Kevin stared after him, “They’re both fools who don’t see what they have…” He sighed for the 100^th time that evening and slowly trudged towards the showers. Howie frowned after him, and looked towards Nick. Nick was fiddling with the gold anchor necklace around his neck he always wore, even to bed. “Does Kev seemed depressed to you, Nicky?”

Nick looked up at Howie through a curtain of blond hair, “Everyone seems depressed to me. Brian, AJ, Kevin… even you.” He slowly lifted his gym bag, “I’ll catch a shower at the hotel.”

The doors to the dressing room opened and closed once again, leaving Howie alone, with the exception of Kevin, but he was in the shower and shouldn’t count.

Everyone seems depressed… even you… Me? Howie frowned. Did it show? Was he that obvious? He decided that he should get in a shower. Running the water, he rested his head against the coolness of the shower stall.

Why hadn’t he been there?

His older sister, who had cancelled her appointments to come see her baby brother in concert, had died without her baby brother by her side. Why? Because his work was too important… it seems to have become more important than his own family. He was singing his heart out at a concert while his sister , lie in pain on her death- bed in a hospital. Howie tried his best to get there after the concert, but his best wasn’t good enough. She died minutes before his plane touched the ground in North Carolina. He cancelled concert dates to attend Caroline’s funeral, and support the family, but it still wasn’t enough. Why couldn’t he have put his foot down and said, “No.” But he didn’t, and now he has to live with the guilt.

Everyone advised him to move on, even his family, but he couldn’t. He tried not to let his guilt bring down his performance. He thought he could handle it, but obviously he couldn’t, for even Nick had noticed. He had to get over this. He had to move on. He didn’t want to be the one who brought down the group. Then he snorted to himself. Never mind, I think Kevin, Brian, or AJ will beat me to it. It was if everyone in the group was having a serious crisis in their life that was not only affecting themselves but their dedication to the group.

AJ kept missing cues, Kevin kept missing notes, Brian hardly smiles on stage, and Howie looks like he’s in another world. The critics were the first ones to notice the sallow demeanor of the Boys and chew them to pieces in their articles. Tales and rumors of the group wanting to break up began to surface among the fans and media. The hype got so huge that the band actually had to hold a press conference concerning the matter. They dismissed it with smiles… Big false smiles, for those rumors weren’t too far from the truth. At the rate the Boys were going it would come as no surprise to Howie if the group were to disband later in the year.

AJ had become almost intolerable over the long months on tour. Howie wished he could pinpoint the problem, but AJ just wouldn’t let anyone get close enough to him to help. Though Howie could have if he had just kept pushing at him. AJ, after all, is his best friend. But Howie was trapped in his own world of sorrow, and didn’t have much time for anyone else’s. Brian was different. He used to be always quick to smile, loved to joke around and act silly. Now he was serious, and hesitant to say much of anything around anyone. Howie knew, as did everyone else, that Brian’s problem was his long-time girlfriend. She wanted a proposal out of Brian, and he just wasn’t ready to give one to her yet. Howie had no idea of how deep this went, but he knew that it was serious. He ached for his brother, but just didn’t have the strength to help him. Kevin. Kevin was always a loner, and now, Howie guessed, he wished that he weren’t so alone. Kevin was starting to show signs of a mid-life crisis at nowhere near mid-life. Nick… was Nick. Always the same, always the constant, and probably one of the main reasons everyone still climbed on that tour bus just about everyday and showed up for the shows. Nick cared so much about the group, and the guys… Howie smiled slightly thinking about him, and how much they must be hurting him with their behavior. He sighed and shut off the water. What was he doing? What were they all doing?

Chapter 2

“Yes, I’m on way home now Mama,” Howie spoke into his cell phone. He had insisted on driving himself to the home he shared with his parents. He carefully guided his car into the crowded driveway of his home. As usual Howie’s parents had arranged a home coming party for their youngest son. Howie usually enjoyed these, but this time he just wasn’t in the mood. It simply reminded him of the fact that in a few months he would be leaving again to rejoin his dysfunctional family (his band mates.) Maybe if he went in the back way he could avoid the entourage of… Too late.

“Howie!!” A large flock of people, casually referred to as Howie’s family members, came towards Howie, hands outstretched. Howie was forced to put a happy smile on his face as he was hugged, kissed, pinched, and squeezed by relatives. He frowned inwardly as he realized that he had expected for Caroline to be there. Then even if she couldn’t show up, she would call.

“Howie,” Howie felt his mother’s arms around him. She kissed his cheeks and took his face between her palms. He knew she knew what he was thinking.

“She’s still here Howie, in spirit,” Paula Dorough told her son gently. She then pulled his arm to take him inside the house.

Within hours Howie was up to date with everyone’s lives, and stories, and up to his elbows in food. He couldn’t help but think he should have brought Nick home with him. He would have loved this. Howie saddened thinking of him, then the others. He looked up to suddenly catch his mother’s eyes on him. He knew that meant they would be talking later. For months talkative Howie Dorough hadn’t wanted to talk about anything, but now… Now Howie actually felt talking might be good. Maybe his mother could give him advice on the things he couldn’t quite understand, or come to grip.

He was caught in the middle of one of those father-uncle arguments that never went anywhere but on… and on, and on. He glanced up and caught his mother’s beckoning eyes. His out! He wasted no time in seizing his opportunity, “Mamma needs me for a bit Dad. I’ll…I’ll…uh…be back later.” Phew! Howie slipped out of the kitchen and through his aunts who were gossiping, nothing new there.

“Lets go to your room,” Paula directed Howie towards the back hallway. Howie followed her, dragging his feet. Though he felt talking might help to ease his problem, he felt reluctant to do it. He hated admitting his problems out loud, and this time he was not only admitting to his problems, but the problems of his friends as well.

“Are you alright Howie?” Paula asked him immediately. Howie didn’t know the correct answer to that question. He sat down in front of his mother on the king-sized bed. “Mama… I…I …” He didn’t know where to begin. So many things in his life were going downhill, so many words were blowing though his mind. He stared at his mother as he felt warm tears coursing down his face. They snaked their way from his eyes down his cheeks and onto his mother’s hand as she held his face between her palms.

“I know things have been hard for you Howie. You still blame yourself for Carrie, and Howie she would not want you to be doing this to yourself. Howie, Carrie would never blame you for anything, she loved you. She didn’t pass on thinking that you didn’t care. She knew you loved her, she knew you were on your way. She would have loved to have seen you, but she felt you instead. She passed knowing that she was very loved Howard,” Paula said taking his hand, “I know you have heard this before, but now it is time that you listen hijo. You cannot go on living your life this way. I have seen you, and I have seen you with your group. You look sad and distant, you are not looking toward your own future anymore, but lost in a past you cannot change. “

“But Mama,” Howie tried to speak through his tears, “it’s so hard to forget…”

“I never said forget baby, I said forgive,” Paula brushed away a stray curl from Howie’s forehead. “Grieving time is over honey, now it is time for recovery. Carrie would want it to be this way. She would not want to know that her family was depressed and sad years after her passing, wasting their lives in mourning. You remember how she was? She hated laziness, and if she were here now she would hate to see you sitting here like this!” Paula smiled watching a smile grow on her youngest child’s tear stained face. She hated seeing her children in so much pain.

He laughed, he laughed genuinely, “You’re right Mama. She would probably be yelling at me right now… And she probably is, up in heaven yelling at me right now and probably has been yelling at me for a while, but I just haven’t been listening.”

Paula smiled encouragingly, “Now I’m sure you will.” She and her youngest son sat in a pleasant silence for a few moments.

“Mama, Caroline isn’t all that’s bothering me now,” Howie began slowly.

Paula raised an eyebrow she had been waiting for this conversation too, “Oh?”

“No, Mama, it’s the guys and me. We… well it’s not that we don’t like each other anymore, it’s more like we’ve grown apart. Everybody is going through their own problems, and not really leaving much time for the group. And the worst part about it is… we don’t even care enough anymore to try to help each other with our problems. It’s like we don’t care anymore. Everyone has just shut themselves off. Well except Nick, he’s been like a model member since everyone started acting, ya know, distant. I think the real reason we still have a group is that kid, “Howie looked past his mother at a family photograph from the 70’s hanging on the wall.

Paula nodded, “As I said before, I’ve seen you boys together. Do you know what has happened to everyone that makes them all act so strangely?”

Howie shook his head sadly.

“Then that is what you need to find out Howie. If you want this problem solved, you all have to help each other. Call them Howie, call them and talk. Get them to talk about what is going on in their lives that brings them so much pain, and you talk about yourself. It’ll bring you this much closer,” Paula made a hand gesture that resembled a pinch to show Howie how close she was talking about.

Howie smiled lightly, “But Mama, it’s been so long. What if they don’t wanna talk?”

“Howie, lets talk about you for a moment, ok?”

“Ok.”

“You love to sing, and perform right?”

“Yes,” Howie nodded.

“Do you want to stop now?” she pursued him.

“No,” Howie looked shocked.

“Do you want to keep your group together to keep doing what you love?”

Now Howie knew where this was going, “Yes Mama.”

“Then you must talk to them,” Paula said, “Only then will you start to reestablish those bonds you used to share. Invite AJ over for lunch or dinner, or drive over to see Nick. Call Brian and Kevin up and see how they are doing.

Let them know you care. And once that fact is established, then the real healing can begin.”

Howie was nodding all the while his mother spoke. He knew she spoke the truth, and also knew that this wasn’t going to be easy. He had to do it though, if he wanted to save the group, and most importantly, his friendships.

Chapter 3

“Hello?” came the groggy voice of Brian Littrell over the phone. He had just woken up and was about to trudge to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

“Brian?” Howie Dorough’s voice resounded through the connection. Brian blinked. “Howie?” Why would Howie be calling him? Was their vacation being cut short? Was there a special press conference being called? What had happened? “Howie, what’s wrong? What’s going on?”

Brian heard an unfamiliar sound that slowly registered in his head, Howie was laughing, chuckling actually, “No Brian. Nothing’s wrong. I just called to see how you are. You know, like we used to do in the old days.”

Brian blinked again and rubbed his eyes. It was too early in the morning for flashbacks. He decided to skip his wash up for the moment and go straight into the kitchen to make himself some coffee. He earned himself company, as Lil’ Tyke, his Chihuahua, overheard Daddy’s footsteps to the kitchen. Breakfast, his little mind was probably thinking.

“I’m fine Howie, how are you?” Brian replied stifling his yawn and moving toward the pantry, “Get down Tyke!” Brian struggled to open the pantry door with the dog jumping against it.

“I’m fine Brian,” Howie said with a small sigh, ”now.”

“Now?” Aha! Brian discovered his instant coffee. Leighanne always preferred the coffee beans, but hell, who wanted to grind those things? Besides she isn’t here, now is she? Brian thought with satisfaction. He felt a little guilty about being glad of her departure. She would be returning in a few days, and Brian’s temporary good mood would evaporate. It almost made him wonder. What would he be doing to himself marrying a woman that drove him nuts and his happiest moments were when she wasn’t there?

“Yeah, listen Brian, I had a long talk with my mother yesterday.”

“You did,” Brian spoke with the coffee in one hand the phone resting on his shoulder. Tyke in his other hand, and coffee filters between his teeth. His voice was mildly interested and telephone pleasant.

“Yes, and Brian, she made me realize some things about myself, and the group.”

Brian set down his coffee making materials and his dog, “Like what, Howie? What are you getting at buddy?”

“Brian, do you realize we haven’t talked, just talked like this, as a group for months, almost a year even?”

Brian was about to try and contradict Howie, he tried to think of a moment when he and another member of the group had had a heart to heart sometime within the past year. Woa, he realized he hadn’t, not even with Nick. “No we sure haven’t Howie.”

“Brian, it’s really time that we start. You know those rumors going around about us breaking up… Well it’s gonna happen if we don’t start trying to do something about it. We are all drifting farther and farther apart. Just sitting here thinking about it, I realized that AJ’s 22^nd birthday and Nick’s 20^th birthday have passed and we didn’t even acknowledge it with a happy birthday. I didn’t even realize it until now. We’ve all been living in our own separate bubbles and I think it’s time we popped them. We need to talk, and get reacquainted with one another. I know you are going through a hard time, I’ve been having hard times, Kevin, and AJ are going through hell… And what hurts is that now that I think about it, I don’t even know what’s going on with you guys. I know you’re hurting, but I don’t know why. I bet you don’t know either, do you?”

Brian had paused in his coffee making caught up in Howie’s revelation of the past year, and everyone’s apathy toward one another. It was true. He wondered why it had happened they had always been so close, and felt they could share anything within their circle of friendship, but suddenly that was gone. Everyone seemed to have gotten so caught up in their own problems that they forgot about each other. They never looked to the help that was right in front of their faces… And now the question in Brian’s mind is “Is it too late to start caring again?”

“No B-rok, that’s why I called.”

Brian almost jumped. He hadn’t realized he had asked that question aloud.

“I want us to talk. I’ll tell you what’s been bothering me all this time, and then you tell me what is up with you and Leighanne and anything else that you need to get off your chest. I’ll listen,” Howie’s voice came easily over the line, “I can talk all day.”

Brian felt like he had been punched in the stomach when told he would have to talk of Leighanne. Everything’s fine he wanted to say, as he had done for the past year. It was just easier that way. He really didn’t want to drag everyone down with his problems, but he had ended up doing it anyway with his silence. He had become withdrawn. He slid down the counter and sat on his tiled kitchen floor as cold reality hit him. The group was falling apart, and he had helped to contribute to that. Everything he had dreamed of and worked hard for was about to go up in smoke, and it would be his fault, he helped light the match. The only person who hadn’t was Nick. Nick had been the rock. Imagine that? Brian felt the guilt hit him again. His Frack had turned 20 years old, without him. He felt a tear slide over his cheek, “Brian?”

“Yeah… Yeah, I’m here Howie. I’m still here,” Brian said softly, “So, who’s first? Do you want to tell me about you, or do you wanna know about me and Leigh first?”

Leighanne Wallace was almost thirty years old, not married and childless. She felt confident that she had found ‘the one’ for her in Brian Thomas Littrell. He was younger than she, yes. But he was still a wonderful man, with excellent morals… But Leighanne wasn’t getting any younger. She would love to be having her first child before she was thirty, but that wasn’t going to happen. She could still be married though. She meant well but she was putting the pressure on Brian to pop the question. Brian was still busy with his career, traveling back and forth over the globe. He didn’t want to burden anyone or himself with a proposal just yet. He was young. He loved Leighanne, and yet that wasn’t enough for her. She was ready for something he wasn’t yet. She threatened to leave him. She wanted a definite commitment; she needed closure. She accused him of not loving her enough, of leading her on to believe that there could be something more. Brian was trapped in a world where everything he did had to be done to please Leighanne to make her stay, and eventually he would be forced to propose. It wasn’t that he didn’t love her, and didn’t want marriage. He just wanted to wait until the group was more stable and the schedule wasn’t so demanding. He never wanted to have to put himself in a position where he would have to choose between the career everyone dreamed of having, and a wife. It was his mother’s advice to wait, and his father’s. But Brian was afraid. He was afraid she might leave and it was tearing him apart. His only moments where he felt he could relax and breathe were when he was home and she was away. He hated feeling like that, but it was the truth. Leighanne could be the greatest woman in his life, but he would never find that out if he lost her. But he just wasn’t ready, why he should he be punished for wanting to wait for the right moment? He was waiting for God to tell him an answer, but that answer just wasn’t coming fast enough, or in a form that he could read.

Howie sat stunned in the kitchen of his house. All this had happened and was happening under Howie’s nose, and he had never noticed. Brian’s frowns and sad eyes had replaced his endless grins and jokes, and no one had thought it strange. Except Nick… “Everyone seems depressed to me…”

“Brian, I am so sorry,” Howie spoke in almost a whisper.

“Sorry for what?” Brian’s tear choked voice asked, “For me claming up and keeping things to myself? I’m the one who’s sorry Howie. I should have known you guys would try to listen to me. It’s just everyone was being so… so…”

“I know,” Howie said, “But that’s going to change. We’re already starting to change it now. I think maybe we should arrange a meeting, you know, before tour starts again. All of us should get together and just, have fun. We could go out to eat, and then see a movie, go clubbin’, just spend the day together.”

Howie could hear Brian’s smile through the telephone, “Clubbing? You know Frack would never go for that.”

“Frack...” Howie thought with a smile himself, “I haven’t heard that nickname in a while.”

Brian chuckled, “I wonder if he’ll be glad to hear it.”

“I just hope he’s not mad at us,” Howie spoke truthfully, out of all the people he was going to talk to that day he had to admit Nick made him the most nervous. He was embarrassed about his behavior, and the fact that Nick remained unchanged. The youngest member had turned out to be the most dependable one.

“Yeah,” Brian said, “I’ll tell ya what I’ll call Kev.”

“Thank you Brian,” Howie said, “I’ll get in touch with AJ.”

“See ya D, oh, and thanks for calling, man.”

“Don’t thank me. Just call Kevin,” Howie said simply and hesitated a moment before disconnecting. That had gone well, extremely well. He already felt better, but he knew he had a lot of work ahead of him. Next he would call AJ, his best friend…

Chapter 4

“Hey, this is AJ, you know the drill,” Howie rolled his eyes and licked his lips impatiently. This had been the 5^th time he had called, and he had an inkling feeling that AJ was home. “Alex, listen man, I know you’re there, and I’m not gonna stop callin’ till ya pick up. Please, bro, just call me back whenever you’re ready, Ok? I need to talk to you, it’s important.” Howie disconnected feeling a bit depressed. How was he gonna arrange a group meeting without the whole group? He suddenly felt impulsive. Time to see if AJ had gone on a vacation, or was dodging phone calls. He grabbed his car keys off the kitchen counter. He was going over to AJ’s.

He decided not to park in the driveway. He didn’t want to take any chance of AJ spotting him early and trying to pretend like he wasn’t there. Howie took the back approach to AJ’s home and parked on the other side of the street behind the neighbor’s bushes. He casually made his way to the front door, and rung the bell. It was maybe 10 minutes before Howie sighed, thinking that AJ really wasn’t home. Maybe he was on vacation and not just ignoring Howie. Howie leaned on the front door in defeat. Damn it. Then the door swung open. Howie, losing his support, fell forward inside the doorway. He used his hands to break his fall on the tic-tack tile work of AJ’s floor. He looked down to see a pair of striped socks, he glanced up to meet AJ’s unhappy expression, “Um… hi Alex.” Howie stood with no help from AJ and invited himself inside. AJ stood behind him, staring at his back, “What do you want Howie?”

“Well, haven’t you received any of my messages Aje?” Howie turned to face his friend… his friend who looked horrible. He had let his mustache and goatee go… He looked like a wooly mammoth. Howie controlled his urge to laugh.

“Oh yeah. Those. Yeah, I got them, all 5 of them,” AJ said with a shrug, “Why do you wanna talk now Howie? After all this time?”

Howie felt his need to laugh disappearing as he watched his friend proceed to run his hands over his face roughly, and remove a nearly empty pack of cigarettes. He shook the second to last cigarette out of the carton and lit it up. The house smelled like an ashtray.

“AJ? How many cigarettes a day have you been smoking?” Howie asked kindly removing the cigarette from AJ’s mouth.

“Damn it Howie! I only got one more left! What do you care anyway?” AJ turned away from Howie and lit his final cigarette. He walked into his living room. Howie cringed at the clashing fabrics decorating AJ’s abode, then straightened his shoulders out, “AJ, that’s why I came. To let you know that I do care, and that I’m sorry for not doing a very good job of showing it to you before.”

AJ snorted and flicked ashes in the overflowing ashtray.

“AJ, I’ve been so caught up in my own world that forgot about my friends. We all have been, and now the time has come to make it right.”

“And how are you going to go about that Howie?” AJ asked sprawling the love seat and blowing out smoke rings. He chuckled as Howie choked on the smoke and fanned it away.

“I’m wanna talk AJ,” Howie said simply, folding his arms over his chest and sitting back in the armchair he was now sitting in. He tossed the cigarette he had confiscated from AJ’s mouth into the ashtray. Well, almost did, he missed. AJ chuckled again, “Ok Howie. One problem. What if I don’t wanna talk? Then what?”

“Then I’ll talk, AJ,” Howie shrugged and leaned forward in his chair, “Communication is a two way thing. I want to apologize to you for letting you down, and tell you why I did it. You only have to listen, and if you still feel the same way when I’m done… I can show myself the way out.”

Robert McLean was a man who had it all. He had a wonderful new job that he loved, a loving fiancé who would soon be his loving wife, and a beautiful new house. The only thing he was lacking was a child, a son… But wait a minute, he did! After 18 years Daddy decides it’s time to come home. AJ received the phone call a few months ago. Did Howie know how much it hurt to answer the phone for your own father the same way you would answer to a perfect stranger? No, he didn’t. But now he did. AJ’s voice shook as recanted the phone call. His father called and began speaking to him as if he had just called yesterday, as if he had never left. AJ had been stunned into silence as he listened to his father’s voice drone on about how happy he was to speaking with AJ, and how wonderful it was that AJ had become successful. AJ kind of nodded along through the whole conversation, too nervous to speak to the parent he thought he had driven away forever. He thought his father might hang up and never call back again if he said something wrong. He was famous for that.

As a small child AJ had always wondered what he had done to make his father so angry that he left and never came to see him. Other kids’ parents got divorces, but they still saw their daddies. Why was AJ different? Why didn’t his Daddy love him like everyone else’s daddies loved them? What was wrong with him? As he grew older he tried to drive out that insecurity by launching himself in acting and performing. Being in the Backstreet Boys was the best thing that ever happened to him. In his Backstreet world he could forget about not being accepted by his father, because he was basically being accepted everywhere else. His mother told him over and over again that it wasn’t his fault. He knew that, he knew that, Howie… but deep inside, he still blamed himself.

Then out of the blue his dad calls. AJ was stunned, then angered. His father had walked out on him and thought he could just walk back in? It’s not that easy! AJ wouldn’t make it easy. Then he found out the reason his father was calling. The next day AJ wanted to apologize to his father, he felt so bad for being so cold. He found out where he lived and drove right over. Instead of meeting with his father he met with his soon-to-be stepmother, whom he had heard nothing about. She was a spiteful woman, and gave AJ an earful. She made sure he knew that she would never be able to give his father kids. AJ was the only child he had, and his father felt left out at all the father-son outings his friends would go on. He wanted to join in on the fun, but then found out his soon-to-be-wife couldn’t have children… That’s when he called AJ. AJ was his father’s back up plan, his second prize. AJ left soon after he arrived. He didn’t drive straight home. He instead went to where his father worked. After waiting for a few hours he finally got a glimpse of the man that he hadn’t seen in 18 years. He hardly recognized him. His father was quick to recognize him though. He saw him and smiled, started walking towards him… AJ jumped in his Prowler and drove away as fast as he could go. After that the phone calls from his father would never cease. AJ had to take the phone off the hook at one point. The only peace he got was on tour, but even then the letters would come. He couldn’t get away from it, and it was driving him insane. He took it out on everyone…. He realized this all at once as his shoulders sagged and he began to cry.

He almost jumped when arms encircled him and held him close. He had forgotten his brother Howie was there. But he would never forget that again.

Chapter 5

“…Howie. Brian and I had a talk… a serious one. He told me about how you helped him. Howie, I cannot…”

“Hello?” Howie grabbed the phone off the hook. His “hello” was ragged, as he was short of breath from just running in through the door. The answering service had been taking the call. Why hadn’t anyone answered the phone? Howie wondered, then his eyes fell upon the note on the refrigerator. Oh, gone shopping.

“Hello? Howie?”

“Kev?” Howie said, “How are ya?”

“I’m…I’m good Howie. Real good, now,” Kevin said, “I uh, just called to tell you that I talked to Bri, and he gave me your message.”

“Message?”

“Yeah,” Kevin said, Howie could hear the smile in his voice, “He told me that you said to stop and smell the roses.”

“I don’t recall saying that,” Howie said in a light tone.

“Well you basically said something like it,” Kevin said with a sigh, “Howie, I let you down, I’ve let everyone down.”

“Huh?” Howie hadn’t been expecting to hear that, “How?”

Kevin was silent on his end for a moment, then began, “I know you guys all looked up to me as the big brother…and well, for awhile I couldn’t live up to that. I should have been the one trying to hold everything together, making these calls, Howie, not you.”

“Kevin, this has nothing to do with diffusion of responsibility. Everyone has problems and no one expected you to solve yours and ours at the same time. No one expected you to do anything, but be you… That’s where we all let ourselves down. Nobody was themselves…”

“Yeah … except Nicky,” Kevin said sounding miffed, “The baby out of all of us, is the one we have the most to learn from. He was excellent. Sometimes I really felt he was…”

“…The only reason why you bothered to go on with another night of touring?” Howie filled in the blank for Kevin.

“Yeah,” Kevin said sadly, “I’m so sorry about that. Howie, Brian told me about what a hard time you were having getting over your sister’s death. He told me about him and Leighanne, and the more I heard the sadder I felt. How come I never troubled myself with talking to you guys? I always talked to you before when you seemed upset. Why is it so different now?”

“I don’t know Kev, I guess this was just the first time we’ve all had problems we’ve had to deal with at once. We overloaded ourselves,” Howie said untangling the phone cord.

“Yeah,” Kevin agreed,” but it’s good that we are talking now. I don’t want to lose the group over this, or you guys.”

Howie nodded, knowing Kevin couldn’t see him, but he couldn’t speak. Everything was falling back together finally. They could work it out; he had already proved that they could. His throat clogged up with the suppressed emotions of love, joy, and most importantly, relief.

“Did you get a hold of AJ yet?” Kevin asked sounding curious, and nervous.

“Yeah,” Howie said smoothly, clearing his throat,” It went good. He was really having a rough time Kev. It scared me as I realized just how out of touch with AJ’s life I really was… Kev, his dad’s trying to worm his way back into his life.”

Howie could feel Kevin flinch through the phone, “And is he gonna let him?”

“Well he was at first, but then he found out his dad’s real intention, the deadbeat. He’s getting remarried, and since his new wife can’t have kids…”

“Let me guess, he wants his old one back,” Kevin growled, “That no good son of a b…”

“But that’s not all… The woman he’s marrying is terrible, and basically let AJ know right then and there what her and his father clearly wanted. And that was the only reason why they had even thought to contact AJ. The man calls and molests AJ constantly about trying to be the father he wasn’t when AJ was a kid,” Howie explained, “He doesn’t even want to take responsibility for his leaving. He doesn’t realize that ever since AJ was young he always assumed it was his fault. He never… he just wasn’t a father, Kev.”

“I’d like to take that sorry SOB and break him over my knee! What does Denise say?”

“She really doesn’t know most of what’s going on with him Kev,” Howie said, “He’s been keeping it all bottled up inside.”

“Like me,” Kevin sighed.

“Kev?”

“Yeah?”

“I know my story, and Brian’s story, and now AJ’s story…but what about yours? What was plaguing you?”

Kevin Richardson was almost 28 years old… Twenty-eight, a millionaire, big house, luxury vehicle, great family… but no one to share it all with. He was almost thirty and still hadn’t found “The One.” His parents got married in their twenties, as did everyone else’s parents that he knew. If you made it into the thirties still unmarried, it would probably stay that way. What woman would want him at thirty? A thirty- year old man, who sings and dances in a group called Backstreet Boys. What woman would stand the ridicule? He was trying to get used to living his life as a lonely bachelor. But he would see Brian with Leighanne, AJ with Amanda, even Nick with Mandy, and feel so envious. Sure he dated frequently, but no one had showed any interest about becoming something long-term. He cried at night about it, he talked to his mother and his brothers about it. Instead of trying to console him, they set him up with daughters of friend’s and things. It upset him to find out that his family was also worried about him not settling down properly. There had even been a little pressure put on about quitting the group to try and settle down, then the right woman might come along. Kevin abandoned that thought. The group was his life. But eventually he began to dwell on what his family had said. Maybe he should quit. Maybe he was getting too old. He often had nightmares about being old and dry, sitting alone in a big lonely house. No kids, no wife, no family… He couldn’t let that happen to him. He began to live through each tour dreaming about the nights he would go out and search for his dream woman. He spent so much time thinking about “The One” and his loneliness, that he slowly begin to forget about what had mattered most to him… the group, and his brothers….

“…and I’m sorry,” Kevin finished in a low voice. He was ashamed.

Howie was actually chuckling by the end of his story, “Well gee Kev, if you had filled me in earlier I could have hooked you up with some hot girls. But not because I thought you would be a lonely old man, cause Kev… What about us? In your vision about you sitting alone in a big house, didn’t you know that I would be sitting right there with you? That Brian would be there, and AJ, and hell Nick could even bring a few dogs. You wouldn’t be lonely at all. In fact you would wish we would all leave just so that you could be alone!”

Howie’s laughs softened Kevin, and his words made him laugh as well.

“Yeah, I can see it now. We’d be old and wrinkly, AJ would be bald, you’d still have your hair, and Nick and Brian would look the same as they do now, playing pranks on us poor old men.”

They laughed a few minutes more thinking about that scenario, “Yeah, I can see it. Nicky putting itching powder in our dentures and Brian putting super glue in our rocking chairs.”

“Us beating them with our canes,” Kevin snickered. He sighed, and turned serious, “You guys will always be there for me, huh?”

“I’m sorry, Kev, but I’m afraid you’re stuck with us,” Howie said firmly, “No returns, and no refunds.”

“I hate waiting at that customer service desk anyway,” Kevin joked, he laughed lightly, then softly he added, “Thanks Howie.”

“No prob, bro,” Howie nodded into the phone.

Chapter 6

“What the hell….” Nick Carter opened the door to see his four Backstreet brothers standing on his front porch. “What happened?” He scratched his blond head sleepily and looked from member to member. All at once they charged forward enveloping Nick in the tightest hug he had ever experienced. One by one they let go, Brian lingering the longest. They stepped back all looking rather nervous to see how he would take the new attitude of the group. He stared at them stiffly, “What’s this?” He gestured to them.

“This is us coming back together Nick. We have finally come to grip with just what we were doing to ourselves, and the group. We’ve come as a whole, to apologize, and beg for your forgiveness, Nick,” Howie spoke for everyone, “You have been the only thing holding this group together for a long time now. We’ve been stretching you in every way possible, and now we’ve come to let you know that we’ve finally seen it. And we want to thank you.”

Nick stared at them all blankly with a frown, then he closed his front door on them. They waited for a few moments for him to open the door again, but then they heard the clicking of a lock being turned. He had closed the door on them!

“Why that little…” AJ surged forward to bang on the door, but Kevin held him back.

“Give him time Bone, he has a right to be upset with us, but we don’t have a right to be upset with him.”

“Who says? That was bad manners!” AJ said lamely. He took a seat on Nick’s porch, “Well, I’m not leavin’ till he opens up and we talk to him, so I guess I better get comfortable.” He looked to the other guys, who nodded and sat down beside him.

They sat together and watched the sun rise and set. “That’s it!” AJ jumped up, Kevin was ready to hold him back from rushing at the door, but he instead pulled out a cell phone.

“What are you doing?” Brian asked him looking incredulous, “He’s not going to answer the phone when he looks on the caller ID and sees your number.”

“I know that,” AJ snapped putting the phone to his ear, “That’s why I’m not calling Nick.”

“Then who are you calling?” asked Howie.

“Hello? Pizza Hut? Yeah, I’d like 3 large pizzas all with extra cheese and…”

“Oh my God,” Howie stared at AJ in disbelief as Brian chuckled, “Hey, we gotta eat.”

Within 30 minutes the pizza van pulled up in Nick’s driveway. He looked rather surprised to find four guys sitting outside waiting on him.

“Thanks dude,” AJ kindly took the pizzas from the pizza boy and offered him a rather generous tip.

The boy eyed what was put into his hands with a large metal- toothed smile, “Thank you!” He jogged happily back to the van and peeled out of the driveway. AJ stared after him, and checked his wallet, “Aw dammit! No wonder he was so happy, I thought I slipped him a ten, not a hundred!”

Brian, Howie, and Kevin laughed whole-heartedly at AJ.

They sat down on the porch once again to eat their meal, and Brian just happened to glance up to see the blinds opening and two blue eyes peering out at them. “I think we got Nick’s attention,” Brian said pretending that he was not looking at the window, so Nick wouldn’t get angry again and slam it closed.

“What?” Kevin frowned, as Brian gestured subtly to the window, where Nick was still peeking.

Kevin took a swift look, careful not to let Nick notice. There was a clicking sound at the front door. Slowly the door opened and Nick poked his head outside, “You’re going to draw attention to me living here, you know?”

They all nodded, mouths stained with tomato sauce.

Nick stared at them and shook his head. He lowered it to his chest, then looked up again with a puzzled frown on his face. He shut the door again.

“He is really mad at us,” Brian observed, his face clouding over. He felt a hand on his shoulder, “Cheer up cuz, he’ll come around, especially when he realizes that we’re not leaving.”

The door opened again, and Nick walked out holding one of his dogs in his arms. He casually sat down on the porch steps turned away from them, “What do I gotta do to make you guys go away?”

AJ raised his eyebrows, finally some progress.

“You have to accept our apology Nicky,” Howie said trying to touch his shoulder. Nick shrunk away from his hand. “No one calls me Nicky anymore. I’m 20 now, if you didn’t know.”

All of them grimaced, “Yeah, we know. Sorry for missing your birthday Nicky…er… Nick. We’re sorry for missing your birthday too AJ,” Kevin said catching AJ’s eye. Nick’s back was still to them. “Listen Nick, we all got together and just talked, about each other, about the group…”

Nick was silent, he sat absently stroking his pug and staring off into the yard, “And what conclusions did you come to? Is the group over, or what? Did it become too hard?”

Howie blinked at the sudden burst of words from Nick, “No. No never, Nick, never. We talked about how much we loved and still wanted the group… We talked about all we had done to sabotage it… And mostly, we talked about you.”

“What about me?” Nick asked, still never turning.

“We talked about how mature you’ve become, and how strong you are. We worried together that you would hate us…” Howie’s voice broke off suddenly. He took a breath, “Do you hate us, Nick?”

After Nick was quiet for what seemed like an eternity, he turned around, to face them. A single tear had formed itself and was sliding down his cheek, “No,” he said simply. He stood up again, lifting his dog with him and walked to his door. The others watched as he went inside his house and shut the door behind him again. They heard the click of the door locking, and then silence.

They sat and stared at each other for a while. They had not quite expected this, and didn’t know how to deal with it.

“You guys wanna come back tomorrow?” Brian broke the silence.

Three heads nodded in unison. Brian smiled lightly, and took one last longing look at the door his friend had disappeared inside, “See ya tomorrow Frack.”

The four gathered together their garbage and headed for AJ’s car. They decided to get a hotel room. It was too far to drive all the way back to Orlando, only to return to Ruskin the next day.

“Think he’ll be in a better mood tomorrow?” questioned Kevin.

His question was answered with blank expressions and shrugs. He sighed and gazed out the window. Maybe tomorrow…

Chapter 7

Heavy metal music poured from the house literally rocking the foundation. AJ pounded on the door, struggling to yell over the music, “Nick please. We need to talk!”

If possible the music became louder. Brian, Howie, and Kevin stood back holding their hands over their ears. Nick had no neighbors to worry about, so he felt free to play his music as loud as he wanted. It was so loud Howie had expected the windows too shatter at its pure intensity. The music stopped suddenly, mid-screech, and the front door swung open. Nick stood there fully dressed with a pair of sunglasses over his eyes, “What now?”

The four Boys outside all made eye contact with one another and nodded.

Nick frowned at the quietness, until he realized that they were charging at him. Kevin grabbed him by the arms, and Brian and AJ each grabbed one of his legs. He yelped knowing what they were going to do. All at once he felt his feet leaving the ground. He kicked and screamed, but couldn’t fight them off as he was carried to AJ’s Prowler.

Once he was safely secured inside with a safety belt and Howie and Kevin’s arms, AJ slipped into the driver’s seat and put the car in gear.

“This isn’t fair…” Nick was whining, “Let me out. I don’t feel well, I wanna stay home!”

“You can stop it with that Kaos, we’re not taking you back just yet, so don’t waste your breath,” Kevin said.

AJ chuckled from the front seat, “You know, you could have avoided this if you had just let us in yesterday.”

Nick gave AJ the finger, and slumped in his seat. He turned his face towards the window.

“So… “Howie tried to make conversation, “Where we going Aje?”

“To the place where they make the best pizza in Orlando, and have the best arcade too,” Brian answered for AJ, trying to sound exciting, he glanced back to catch Nick’s eye.

Nick frowned and slumped lower in the seat.

“Then afterwards, we can all get ice cream,” Brian finished softly, “You know, it’ll be like the old days, when we used to hang out together.”

“That sounds like fun Bri,” Howie said lightly gently reaching over to touch Nick’s shoulder, “Sound cool to you Nick?”

“Whatever,” was the reply. The rest of the trip went on like that. Them talking to Nick, and Nick blowing them off.

“This is it,” AJ said parking the car in the lot. They had gotten there kind of early, so not many people were there. They all got out of the car, in desperate need to stretch their legs after the long drive.

“Alright Nick, when we get in there, I am going to kick your butt at Nascar Racing,” Brian smiled brightly and tugged Nick’s arm.

Nick’s jaw trembled, and he turned away, facing the car, “You guys can’t pretend like it never happened!” he shouted, he leaned against the warm exterior of the vehicle, “I won’t!”

“Nick…” Howie began. Finally, he was going to talk to them.

“No, don’t ‘Nick’ me! You treated the group like garbage, you treated everyone like garbage that you throw away! Now all of a sudden you guys go digging through the trash can and think, hey, didn’t mean to crumple this up and throw it away yet. You think you can just iron out the wrinkles like that? Everyone gave up on this group, but me… And right when I’m gonna throw in the towel, when I think it’s not worth it anymore, you guys show up. Do you guys think you can erase my memories of how easy you guys can kick this group to the curb when something comes up? Huh? You think we can just start over, from scratch? You think you can buy my forgiveness? You think I’m that petty?” He had turned around to scream at them, his face was flushed with his anger and hurt. His fists were clenched at his sides, “Well you gotta learn, little Nicky ain’t so easy to deal with ok? I don’t want any of your bull crap about how you’ve worked out your differences…”

“Nick!” Howie tried to interrupt him, “We don’t think that we can buy you with…”

“Then why are we here, Howie?”

“To have a little fun Nick. It’s what we’ve all been missing. We just wanted to spend some time together,” Kevin said in a quiet voice, he rubbed at his stinging eyes, “We know we’ve neglected the group, and neglected you. We’re sorry. We understand what we’ve done, and are trying to make amends, Nick. We don’t think this will be easy at all, and no this group is not anything any of us would dream of putting in the garbage. If it was, do you think we’d all be here, well do ya?” Kevin was almost yelling at Nick, who cringed.

“Kevin, ease up,” Brian warned, but before Kevin could, Nick answered him, “No.”

“No… That’s right,” Kevin said more softly, subdued, “Nick, our lives went off the wall for a while there, and we’re trying to get back on track. We know what’s important now, and we wanted to share that with you…”

“But what about later down the road, Brian’s gonna get married, you may get married… then what? Does the group go back in the trash again?” Nick asked quietly, his last sentence no louder than a whisper.

Brian shook his head, “Never. This group is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I will never put it, or you, on the backburner again, Frack. Ok, is that ok for you?” Brian asked, a few tears stained his face. Nick looked up at him with matching stains. He stood still for a while, calculating them. It looked like a face off. The four of them, Brian, Kevin, Howie, and AJ, standing together, and Nick standing alone. He dropped his head for a few moments, unable to meet their intense eyes on him. “It’s ok.” He said in little more than an undertone. He made no move toward them, but no move away from them either. Slowly Brian moved forward followed by the others and wrapped his arms around him, they all did. And this time, Nick returned the hug, and was reluctant to step out of the embrace.

He wiped his eyes one last time and looked at each one of them in turn, his eyes lingered on Brian, “Ready for me to kick your ass, Littrell?” He nodded toward the game room.

Brian caught his nod, and laughed, “Yeah… I guess I’ll let you win a few times.”

“Let me win, Littrell, you’re full of…” the banter trailed off as the two headed towards the entrance of the Pizza And More, leaving Kevin, Howie, and AJ to stare after them.

“Frick and Frack… together again,” Howie shook his head, “Why do I get the feeling we’ll regret this?”

“Because two weeks from now, we’ll be on tour and finding plastic vomit in our sleeping bags,” Kevin guffawed, “Come on, guys. I’ll… I’ll race ya to the door!”

Chapter 8

They talked and laughed long into the night. A few fans interrupted them for autographs and pictures, but nothing too bad. Nick and Brian had spent over a hundred dollars buying tokens for endless video game plays. They would walk past the table with wheels of tickets winding themselves around their arms and necks like snakes. AJ had joined them after watching them purchase their twentieth round of tokens. At around 10:00 that night the place was ready to close, and the Boys were still trying to finish off a cold pizza. Nick and Brian had crowded the table with the large stuffed animals they had bought for themselves. They had given a lot of their tickets away to the smaller kids running around the place, but they made sure they left themselves with enough tickets to purchase the big Bull dogs that were invading the table.

“My dog can kick your dog’s butt, any day, Carter,” Brian was saying in a low threatening voice, eyes narrowed at his adversary.

“Is that so Littrell, care to put your money where your mouth is?” Nick asked equally as low. He chewed on his straw like it was a cigarette.

Kevin, Howie, and AJ sat and watched the contest in amusement, “Hey guys, hate to break this up, but we’re closing in 10 minutes,” the person they could only assume was the manager came to their table. He smiled at them genuinely, he knew who they were, and had even given them some free tokens, and food.

“Oh… sorry,” Kevin checked his watch, “Guys we better hurry if we still wanna get that ice cream.”

Howie nodded, “Who wants the last two slices of pizza?” He glanced at Nick, “Nick, you didn’t eat much. Why don’t you take them?”

Nick blinked, and tore his narrowed gaze away from Brian, to Howie, “No thanks… don’t want it.”

“Nick’s turning down pizza?” AJ looked incredulous, “Brian, look out the window and tell me if you see the four horsemen of the…”

“It’s not the end of the world AJ, I’m just not too hungry, that’s all,” Nick said with a shrug.

“Are you ok?” Kevin asked with a frown, remembering what he had said in the car earlier about not feeling well. Kevin thought he was just trying to get himself out of the situation, but maybe he was telling the truth. Studying Nick, he really didn’t look too well. Dark bags under his eyes, pale, and had he lost weight?

Nick frowned, not liking all the attention he was suddenly getting, “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I’m just… on a diet. I don’t get as hungry as I used to anymore.”

Brian blinked, and laughed a bit, “Hmmn… Well good for you Frack. Now that I look at you, you have lost weight. But you can have ice cream with us, right?”

Nick looked from Brian, to Kevin, to Howie, to AJ, before he nodded and smiled slightly, “Right, of course. Since you’re paying I wouldn’t miss it for the world!”

They got to the ice cream parlor 20 minutes before it closed, and nearly put the place out ordering the biggest ice cream sundaes they could find on the menus, for each of them. They giggled recounting the look on the single lady working the counter’s face as she tallied off just how many ice cream sundaes she would be making, as they ate their messy sundaes in the parking lot around AJ’s car.

“Damn, mint does not taste good with butterscotch,” Brian grumbled, sticking his spoon in Nick’s sundae sampling some of his, “That tastes better.” He then proceeded to eat out of Nick’s cup until Nick noticed and whapped him over the head with his hand.

“This is great,” Howie sighed as he sat on the hood of AJ’s car staring up at the stars and polished off the last of his ice cream.

“Yeah, I told you these guys have the best ice cream…”

“No, I mean, us hanging out,” Howie said, “We have to do it again. We can make it a monthly thing. You know, a time when we just drop everything and go have fun. No matter what anyone is doing, they have to undo it and get on a plane from wherever they are and meet up with the rest of us, just so we can hang.”

“Um… Howie?” Brian butted in.

“Yeah?”

“People are going to think we’re gay.”

“Let them,” Howie said firmly.

They laughed. Then they tossed away their empty ice cream containers and piled back into AJ’s car. “Wanna catch a late night movie?”

“Sure, why not.”

Chapter 9

“Goodnight and thank you Minneapolis,” AJ announced as he and the Boys were lowered under the stage for the final time, still singing their harmony for “I Want It That Way.”

“That was good,” Howie said with a smile, “What say we all go out together and celebrate?”

“Go out where?” Brian asked, “Please don’t say clubbing. I hate clubs, you know this.”

Howie hid his grin, “Yeah, I do, but I am itching to go dancing tonight. Ok, AJ, Kev? How about you guys?”

AJ looked eager, “Yeah, we haven’t gone clubbin’ together in a while.” AJ laughed, “In fact almost a year!”

Howie grinned, and looked to Kevin, “No Howie… Unlike you two, I actually have a girlfriend.”

“What?” four mouths dropped open.

“Her name’s Kristen. I’ve known her forever, and we finally hooked up before the tour,” Kevin was positively glowing.

“This must be love,” Brian sang, a chord from Brian McKnight’s song “This Must Be Love.”

“Shut up Bri,” Kevin said, but smiled, “I’m just gonna go back to my room and give her a call tonight. I told her I would, so she’s probably waitin’.”

“Oooh la la…” Nick and Brian cooed.

“Shut up Evil Twins,” Kevin said with a laugh, “What are you two gonna do tonight?”

“Video game tournament,” Brian said, “Kaos here seems to think he’s the video game champion of the world, and I have to set him straight before he tries to tell that to someone else and gets laughed at.” Brian grabbed Nick in a headlock, and started tickling him.

“Brian!” Nick complained. Kevin stepped back as the two began wrestling each other.

”Well, I guess we had better get on the bus,” Howie said, “Come on Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber.”

“What’re you taking?” Brian asked Nick curiously as he spread out across the bed unpacking Nick’s Dreamcast. Nick’s eyes trained over to Brian as he sat down a glass of water and tucked the pill bottle away in his pocket, “Migraine tablets.”

He sat down on the bed and helped Brian unpack the Dreamcast.

Brian frowned and looked at his friend with concern, “Maybe we shouldn’t play then. You should get some sleep.”

Nick blinked, “Brian, you challenged me…”

“Yeah, but I didn’t know you didn’t feel well, Nick. Get some sleep, we can play games in the morning, ok?” Brian looked at him expectantly.

“Yeah, yeah ok,” Nick shrugged, he watched as Brian began re-packing his Dreamcast, “You don’t have to, you can just leave it.”

Brian glanced at him sharply, and was suddenly suspicious of him, “You’re not gonna rig this thing up after I leave, are you?”

Nick laughed, “No… no, I’ll go to bed. My head’s killing me.”

Brian eyed him for a few more seconds before biding him goodnight and leaving.

Nick watched him go, and sat down on his bed. Goodnight Brian…

“Ok, now that last one was definitely a man,” AJ commented dryly to Howie who was licking salt off his wrist and getting ready to take another shot, “Man AJ, I don’t know what it is with you and attracting them. I told you not to dye your pink.”

“Man, Howie, my hair looks cool,” AJ protested.

“Sure it does,” Howie laughed, “I’m sure that he-she over there thinks so too, she’s eyeing you.”

“Man!” AJ hopped off the bar stool, “That’s it, I’m moving to the other side of the bar. Maybe there will be girls over there!”

Howie snickered as he watched AJ trooping further and further away from the bar.

“Hello? I’ve been watching you from across the bar…”

UGH! With AJ gone the he-she girls had come to call on him. He threw back his drink and sucked the lime, then excused himself to find a bathroom. Now where did AJ go? Something familiar caught his eye, and it wasn’t AJ.

“Howie,” AJ had appeared behind him and grabbed his elbow, “You see who I see over there?”

Howie squinted, “Yeah, yeah I do…” And he was in trouble. There was a lot of yelling, and Nick was in the center of it, shooting his mouth off. A thin girl was draped across his arms, apparently instigating the fight on. A swing was aimed and that’s when the chaos broke out. Howie and AJ pushed their way to the center of it ducking and dodging punches to get to Nick. AJ got there first and got a good grip on him as he and Howie then proceeded to drag him out of the fight. No one noticed three Backstreet Boys leaving the club. Blue and red lights alerted them that the authorities were making the scene, and they couldn’t leave it fast enough. Howie and AJ sat up front with Nick in back rambling about how he wanted to go back and kick “that guy’s lyin’ ass.” It was like he couldn’t get his words out fast enough, his mouth was moving at a mile per minute.

AJ kept glancing back in the backseat with an odd look on his face, “Nick, are you on something man?”

Howie glared daggers at AJ, how dare he ask Nick such a question, “Have you been drinking Nick?” Howie smoothed over AJ’s question.

Nick stopped his rambling to stare up at the two in the front of the car, “Drinking? Well, yeah, but only a few, I promise.” Nick looked sorry enough about it.

“Yeah, well you’re gonna feel real sorry about it in the morning,” Howie commented, still shooting AJ hard looks.

AJ ignored him for the duration of the drive back to the hotel

Chapter 10

“I can’t believe you AJ? How could you ask Nick a question like that? I don’t care how drunk he was he may remember that! What if you hurt his feelings?” AJ and Howie put Nick to bed only a few minutes earlier.

“His feelings Howie, who cares about his feelings if he’s hurting himself?” AJ asked more subdued than Howie. He sat on his bed, unlacing his shoes.

“AJ, Nick does not do drugs,” Howie said flatly, “He was drunk. What put it through your mind that he’s… he’s on illegal substances?”

AJ stared at Howie for a few minutes, “Did you see his eyes Howie?”

“Huh?” Howie stopped to stare at AJ.

“That was high Howie, not drunk,” AJ said flatly, as Howie tried to turn away, “Did you listen to his monologue in the backseat? When have you ever known Nick to be that talkative? Did you hear how he clearly he spoke at the beginning, but as we neared the hotel his words started to slur? I would know about this stuff… and besides, Howie this isn’t the first time.”

“Isn’t the first time for what AJ?” Howie asked coolly, glaring at AJ.

“For me to see Nick at a club totally thrashed!” AJ yelled, now he was getting upset with Howie’s accusatory manner, “It was a few months ago on tour. My dad had somehow gotten my cell phone number, and I just needed out. I went to this club, in New York, and Nick was there. He was there Howie…” AJ yelled at Howie who was shaking his head looking adamant. “He was hanging around some Goth girls, and they went into the back room. I could tell he was already…”

“AJ if you saw all this why didn’t you do anything, say anything to us?” Howie was rubbing his temples. He sat down on AJ’s bed. AJ stood up, it was his turn to pace, “Would you have believed me? Would any of you guys have believed me? Probably not, because everyone was so mixed up in their own shit they forgot about everyone else… but Nicky. Nicky was perfect in your eyes. Look at him he’s so strong, and mature. But you know what I think, Nick wasn’t strong or mature, you know how he handled all that crap we were laying down in front of him, he didn’t! I bet he was high, I bet he is high!”

“SHUT UP!” Howie yelled plugging his ears on AJ’s charade, “You were jealous AJ, all of us were jealous of how well the kid could hold it together.”

AJ was shaking his head, “I knew it, see, you see this is why I never told you what I thought… And why didn’t I stop him, well Howie. I really didn’t feel like cleaning up His Royal Blondness’s shit that day. I had enough of my own to deal with.”

Howie stared at AJ in disbelief, “Oh my God, were we actually that apathetic toward one another that we wouldn’t help even if we thought there may be a problem?”

AJ was silent as well, “Howie, if I could go back, I would drag his butt out of there, but I can’t. I can however do it now. Something ain’t right with him Howie. I’m serious. You don’t have to tell anyone else what I think, just yet, but watch him. Watch what he does, how he acts, for a day. You’ll see what I’m talking about Howie. I’ve seen it all before. I’ve had friends who…”

“Enough!” Howie cut AJ off, “That’s all AJ, I’ve heard enough. I’m going to bed, and don’t you dare go tell any of the others any of that crazy story you just made up!”

“You’re so stupid D! We’ve been blind to each other for almost a year, and now it’s time to see. Maybe it’s time we start realizing that maybe Little Nicky hasn’t been so perfect…”

Howie closed the door to AJ’s room before he could hear the end of the sentence. He had wanted to punch AJ. How could he say things like that about Nick? He had been the glue who held the group together! Howie went into his room and sat in the dark, fully dressed, on his bed. Watch what he does, how he acts… Howie shuddered thinking about it. Not the fact that AJ was considering the fact that Nick was on drugs… but the fact that Howie was considering believing him.

Chapter 11

“What are you gonna get Kev?” Brian was peeking over his cousin’s shoulder. The menu he had been given was so big, and had everything printed on it from corn dogs to linguini.

“Brian, we have the same menus, what’s the point of you looking over here at mine?” Kevin rolled his eyes and shut his menu, “I’m gonna get bacon, pancakes, and eggs, Brian.”

Brian groaned, “But that’s so boring cuz! Why don’t you order the Shay Lomay?”

“The what?” Howie gazed over at Brian setting down his menu.

“The Shay Lomay, look…it’s right there!” Brian pointed at his menu.

“Brian, that is not how you pronounce that word, and it means ‘drinks.’ Not food. It is labeling the drink column!” Howie pointed out snickering as Brian blushed.

“I knew that,” Brian muttered as everyone continued to laugh at him. He flipped his napkin out and used it to hit Nick who was sitting beside him, “What are you gonna get Frack?”

Nick grinned devilishly, “Not the Shay Lomay, I can assure you of that one,” he snickered. Brian smacked him again with the napkin.

“Kev, what you’re gonna get sounds good enough for me,” Howie said setting down his menu.

“I want a burger,” AJ said flatly.

“For breakfast?” Nick made a face at him.

“Yeah, and what are you getting? The happy face pancakes?” AJ shot back, and Brian giggled.

Nick frowned thoughtfully, “They have those?” He reopened his menu to check.

Kevin chuckled. Then the waiter came and kindly asked for their orders. Kevin ordered first. Orders of pancakes, eggs, and bacon for three people, one burger, and a grapefruit were recorded. Then the waiter smiled and left.

“A grapefruit?” Brian questioned raising an eyebrow at Nick, who had retreated back to playing his Game boy. “That’s all you’re gonna have? You sure?”

Nick gazed up from his game and over to Brian, “Yup.”

“Nick, we’re gonna be busy all day, and may not break early for lunch. You’re gonna need more energy than what that grapefruit is gonna give you,” Kevin said, “Maybe you should order something else to go along with it.”

Nick frowned, “It’ll be fine. If you haven’t noticed I like my size, and I am working to maintain it.” He returned to his Game boy.

“Yeah,” Howie said pausing Nick’s game, “But don’t you think its time you stopped? With the dieting, I mean. You look great Nick, you don’t need to lose any more weight.”

Nick sighed and turned his game off, he looked around the table, “You guys aren’t gonna back off til I order something else are ya?”

He got the look times four, and sighed deeply, “Fine. Somebody get the waiter back. I want to order pancakes, bacon, and eggs.”

Brian Littrell sat outside the bathroom listening to the retching and gagging noises from inside. After 5 minutes they stopped and water was running. “Can I come in now?” Brian asked impatiently from the outside of the door. He heard the lock to the door click, and he turned the knob to let himself inside. Nick studied his pale reflection in the bathroom mirror. He pouted at himself and splashed more water on his face.

“Feeling better?” Brian asked patting Nick’s shoulder, and putting down the toilet lid so he could sit on it.

Nick nodded at Brian through the mirror, he never turned to face him, “Sorry. I guess I ate too much, or something.”

Brian nodded, not wanting to mention that Nick hadn’t even finished half of his plate at breakfast. “Listen man, maybe you should think about seeing a doctor sometime this week. I bet we can get off tomorrow.”

“For what?” Nick asked, his reflection studying Brian oddly.

“Dude, you don’t eat enough to feed a bird, and when you do… well…”

Nick shrugged, “It won’t happen again, relax Brian. You’re beginning to get as uptight as Kev.” He rubbed the bottom of his nose and ran a hand through his hair. He turned to Brian for the first time since he entered the bathroom, “Lets get back to the party, shall we?”

Brian stared at Nick uncertainly. Was it just him, or did Nick act funny? Not funny but different from how Brian remembered him ever acting before.

“Brian?” Nick was looking at him now. Brian stood slowly, but still hesitated, “Are you sure…”

“I’m great, excellent, wonderful!” Nick assured him rolling his eyes and grabbing his arm, “Lets go before Kevin comes in here!”

Brian allowed himself to be dragged. But as they returned to the photo shoot, Brian could not help but think something was up his baby brother. Brian watched Nick teasing AJ about something and laughing as the photographer was trying to line up a shot of them. Maybe he was crazy, maybe he was just paranoid, but he knew, something told him, Nick wasn’t as perfect as he came off to be. Why he felt that way he did not know, but he was sure as hell gonna find out.

Chapter 12

“Get it right Nick!” Kevin barked as the practiced they chair routine to “As Long As You Love Me, once again for the hundredth time, “Honestly you act like you’ve never done this routine before!”

Nick flicked Kevin off very openly and stormed off the stage. They took a break. He’d be back in five minutes.

“Kev, maybe you should lay off the kid,” Brian said pouring a few squirts of water over his head, “He ain’t lookin’ so good.”

Kevin groaned, “Do you think that’s what it is Brian? You think maybe he’s not feeling well? I really wanna know what’s going on… cause as of right now, I wanna kill him!”

Howie frowned as he watched AJ slide off the stage. He knew he was going after Nick, but what Howie didn’t know is what he would say to him. That’s why he worried as he watched AJ leave in the direction Nick took off in.

“Hey,” AJ said casually to Nick as he purchased himself a candy bar out of the vending machine. He saw Nick scowl at him, “That dumb old man. He thinks he can tell me what to do?” Nick was blabbering. AJ came to sit beside Nick on the table, “How old does he think I am? I know how to do that stupid dance. I’m just not in the mood to do it! Dumb ass Kevin… What? What are you looking at Jay? You’ve been staring at me all day. Like I’m gonna grow a second head. What’s up man? What’s going on?” Nick’s eyes widened with curiosity. AJ could only blink and shake his head. Why had he followed Nicky? He certainly didn’t want to confront him, not alone…but, “Nick, what are you on?”

“The table. You idiot, you’re sitting right…” Nick paused then his eyes enlarged and he did an about face to stare AJ down, “What am I on?”

“Yeah, are you high, man?”

Nick laughed humorlessly, “Ok, ok. So what, now you think I’m a druggie, AJ? Why? Are you jealous AJ? Jealous, that I seem to be holding my shit together better than you? Is that it? This is just great AJ! Kevin yelling at me up there, and you accusing me down here… I can’t get away from it.” Nick’s eyes filled and he spun away from AJ.

AJ cringed, he couldn’t be wrong… but if he was, Nick would never forgive him. “Nicky, look man, I’ve been around people on… on speed and cocaine, even heroine. I call them as I see them man. Just tell me what you’re taking. It can be between us, and I will get you help. We can talk about it, just you and me…”

Nick shoved him, “SHUT UP! You and I can’t talk about anything, you’d never understand now. You might have then, but then nobody wanted to listen! Leave me alone, AJ.”

“Nicky please,” AJ grabbed onto Nick’s arm as he tried to exit the lounge. Nick fought at him, “Leave me ALONE!” Nick cried, his voice breaking. He broke free and whirled around to hit AJ but stumbled. He fell forward, and AJ lunged to catch him. He slowly lowered him to his knees on the ground and kneeled beside him, “You ok?”

Nick wouldn’t look at AJ, ‘’I’m fine,” he muttered, “I gotta get back to rehearsal.”

“No Nick, not like this. Come on, we’ll get the guys, and we’ll talk. I’ll help you t…”

“I gotta get back to rehearsal,” Nick uttered again, he rose to his feet, still shaking his head at his temporary feeling of vertigo, “Leave me alone AJ. Butt out, you weren’t there before so why should you be here now. “ AJ felt his eyes stinging. He viewed Nick walking unsteadily out of the lounge door, and stopping to grip the wall briefly for support. He then righted himself and then continued on more steadily.

The familiar taste of salt stung on his lips as a tear had somehow cleared a path from AJ’s eye to his heart. Nick needed help, and soon. But Howie, his best friend didn’t believe him when he tried to tell him, what gave him the right to think that anyone else would either?

Chapter 13

“I just don’t think it’s funny Nick!” Kevin was angry and trying unsuccessfully to hide it. “We practiced and practiced that routine, I don’t understand how you could mess it up like it was your first time doing it.”

Nick was laughing and was also trying very unsuccessfully to hide it, “Sorry Kevy. So I tripped, God, you act like I committed arson.” He giggled and took another sip of water.

“Nick, can you ever take anything seriously?” Kevin paced around the backstage area. Howie, Brian, and AJ, watched on in amusement.

“Yes I can, but right now, I think you’re overreacting,” Nick said, “I tripped myself, not you.”

“It’s the fact that you don’t seem to care!” Kevin was no longer hiding his anger.

“I care. I messed up, oops. Sorry about that, I’ll work harder next time. Can’t take back what happened on stage now, can I?” Nick stood and stretched, “Besides it’s not like the fans cared anyhow, they liked it!”

“But Nick, that’s not what I’m getting at. If you’d just pay more attention in practice, and stop goofing around, you wouldn’t mess up so much,” Kevin was calming down. He kneeled to be at eye level with Nick who was lounging in a plastic chair. “Is everything ok with you, Nick?”

Nick looked up at Kevin in surprise, “Cause I tripped, Kev?”

“You know what, never mind,” Kevin said closing his eyes and backing away from Nick, “Guys, do we have any plans for tonight?”

“Actually no,” Howie said still sneaking curious glances at Nick who was fidgeting, “Anybody have any ideas? Nick?”

Nick was busying himself drumming his fingers on his leg.

“Nick?” Howie asked closing his eyes and trying not to sigh out loud. God… he could not be a… a … but he sure wasn’t doing anything to make Howie think any differently.

“What?” Nick looked up from his…’music’.

“What did you want to do tonight?” Howie repeated.

Nick bit his lip and looked to be thinking, “Nothing. I just wanna chill tonight, ya know? We always go out, why not stay here for once.”

“Yeah,” Brian nodded, “sounds good to me. We can get in some video game practice, huh Frack?”

Howie didn’t miss Nick’s quick flicker of annoyance before his expression smoothed over, “Sure, why not?” Howie rubbed his hands together, and caught AJ looking at him. Leave me alone AJ, Howie thought angrily, “Well Howie, how about we go out tonight?”

Howie could have spat on AJ, but he didn’t want anyone to know about his annoyance with AJ, “Sure, why not.” Howie accepted through gritted teeth.

Brian and Kevin glanced at them curiously, but Howie shrugged it off. “Come on guys, we better get in the van so we can get back to the hotel.”

“Now do you see what I’m saying Howie?” AJ asked in the back of the van. He and Howie were being taken to one of the nightclubs in town.

“No, I don’t know what you are talking about AJ,” Howie growled moving as far away from AJ as he could get.

“The tone of your voice and the way you’re moving away from me let me know you know exactly what I’m talking about. And that you believe me Howie!” AJ was desperately trying to get Howie to turn around and look at his face.

“So what if I do?” Howie’s shaky voice broke through the dark, and AJ stared at him, “If you do then it’s time we confront him about it D. We gotta turn around and tell the others. He needs help Howie.”

“But what if it’s not true AJ, what if he’s not on drugs?” Howie said, “He’ll hate us for real this time for accusing him of something like that.”

He got silence from AJ, and he finally turned around to face him. AJ looked serious, and it was apparent to Howie that there was no doubt in his mind about Nick’s problem, “I almost broke him down D. He was gonna tell me that one time after practice. He needs help and he knows it.”

Howie sighed loudly, “Lars, turn back. We decided not to go to the club.”

“I tell you he’s not…”

“Brian, Nick does not have an eating disorder! Guys don’t get those!” Kevin rolled his eyes and tried to get back to his book. His cousin had barged into his room a little after midnight with his crazy notion about Nick being anorexic. Nick of all people! Girls are anorexic, and bulimic, not guys, at least not the straight ones.

“He’s not eating Kev. I think he may only take in about 200 calories a day, total!” Brian was on a rampage, “He’s fading away Kev! I bet he weighs, what? Two pounds! And you don’t hang around him all day Kevy; he gets really snappish sometimes ya know. And that day we all went to breakfast, and we convinced Nick to get more food. You know what he did after that? He threw up,” Brian was furious at the fact that his cousin seemed to be ignoring him. “Kev, what can I say to make you believe me? I know… Kevin, he went to bed right after the show. He’s been blowing off all of my challenges to play games so he can go to bed early. Does that sound like Nick to you?” Brian was standing in front of Kevin now.

“Brian, he’s growing up. Maybe video games don’t interest him as much as they used to,” Kevin said not even looking up from his book this time.

“Or because he doesn’t have enough energy to play! And you wanna know why he doesn’t have enough energy, Kev? Cause he’s not eating anything!” Brian snatched Kevin’s book away, and Kevin looked up at Brian with annoyance that was quick to fade. Brian’s face was panicked and drawn with worry. “I almost lost him once, Kev, from not paying enough attention to him. I’m not gonna take that chance again. I really think he’s hurting himself Kev. I’m not imagining it, I’ve been watching him Kev. He’s different.”

Kevin sighed, “Yes I have noticed that.”

“And all those times he flubs up on stage, and can’t concentrate…” Brian was just rattling things off, counting on his fingers, “Kev, we gotta do something. First we gotta tell Howie and AJ, then we’ll… we have to go to Nick. Let him know that we’re with him, we’ll always be behind him, and try to get him help.”

There was knocking at the door. Brian jumped to open it, “Howie, AJ…”

“We got something to tell you guys, please don’t kill us, and please let us get all the way through this with no interruptions,” Howie spoke urgently, pushing his way past Brian and into the room. AJ followed not looking any less grave.

“What? What happened?” Kevin’s face paled. Something serious was going on…

“It’s about Nicky.”

Brian looked pointedly at Kevin, like see I told ya so.

“AJ and I have good reason to believe he’s doing drugs.”

“WHAT?”

Chapter 14

“I’ve heard lots of crap from you before AJ, but this takes the cake!” Brian was outraged. Even more so than Howie had been when AJ had first told him what he had thought. He actually charged at AJ and tried to hit him. Kevin grabbed his arms and held them behind his back. Brian fought and screamed until he was red in the face and shaking with rage. Kevin had to force him down to the floor, “Calm down, Brian.”

“He accused my best friend of… of being a crack head!” Brian yelled, “A junkie! I’ll kill him when you let me go!”

“Brian, we have to face facts,” Howie was saying slowly, “Nick exhibits so many symptoms of drug abuse it’s not funny!”

Brian relaxed in Kevin’s grip, “God, if it’s true I’ll never forgive myself. Stupid me, I thought he was starving himself!”

Kevin rubbed his shoulders and helped him to stand, “Cuz, you can’t blame yourself for what Nick does to himself.”

“No, you’re right cuz. I don’t just blame myself, I blame you guys too!” Brian wiped his face with his shirt.

AJ’s mouth fell open, and Howie and Kevin stared. Strangely enough no one argued with Brian’s assessment. They simply stood staring at one another.

“Where’s Nick at?” AJ asked gruffly. He rubbed his temples and searched his pockets for his carton of cigarettes.

“In his room,” Brian said soberly, “Said he was tired.”

“You believed that?” AJ asked incredulously.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Brian asked defensively.

“How much you wanna bet he’s not in there,” AJ said brusquely pushing past the others and making his way to the door. He got to Nick’s door in a flash and knocked once. No answer.

“Maybe he’s asleep,” Brian said sounding nervous, “Lets not bother him.”

Kevin gave Brian a look, then jogged back to his room. He returned a minute later with a card key that he inserted in the door. He pushed the door op en and went inside followed closely by the others, “Nick?”

The room was dark, and empty. Howie flipped the light switch. “His bed’s never been touched.”

“He must have snuck out right after he told me he was gonna go to sleep,” Brian flopped down hard on the bed.

“Where would he be?” Kevin asked aloud to Howie and AJ who now seemed to hold all the answers. He looked tired, and helpless.

Howie looked at AJ, “He’s probably out at a club or something wiggin’.”

“Wiggin’?” Kevin questioned.

“Doing acid, snorting up, lighting up… Lord knows what he’s doing now. I know for sure he uses some type of amphetamine, or coke, but I don’t know what else.”

“How would you know?” Kevin looked over to AJ.

“I’ve had friends, and girlfriends who’ve experimented with the stuff. He’s overly hyper, he talks over a mile per minute, he’ll snap at the smallest things, and hey, I think he could fit into my pants now if he wanted to,” AJ was relaying as he shooed Brian off the bed and began lifting the mattress.

“What are you doing AJ?” Kevin asked as AJ threw the mattress to the floor.

“If the kid’s on drugs then he’s gotta have a stash somewhere right? Lets find it,” AJ stripped the mattress of its dressings, “That way when he comes back and tries to deny anything, we’ll have something to throw in his face.”

Howie and Kevin nodded, and went to different sides of the room to strip search the perimeter. Only Brian hesitated.

“B?”

Brian finally nodded and got off the bed. He went into the closet and began searching Nick’s clothing.

“Nothing,” Howie said with an exhausted groan, “this room is clean.”

Brian and AJ sat on the bed also, slightly defeated but not over all disappointed. Maybe they had been wrong and Nick was not on drugs.

“Hey,” came Kevin’s voice. Uh-oh, it sounded like he had found something, “Hello… What are these?”

Kevin tossed about 6 bottles of prescription medication on the bed.

Howie grabbed for one, Brian and AJ took the others.

“He said it was migraine stuff,” Brian whispered softly as he read the label, “Paxil, Prozac…”

“Valium,” AJ read, “Librium, Xanax…”

“These are tranquilizers, and antidepressants,” Howie said shaking the bottles then popping their tops to look inside.

“Does anybody remember anything about Nick seeing a psychiatrist?” Kevin asked taking one of the bottles.

Everyone shook their heads, “We wouldn’t have noticed if he had told us with the way we all were acting!” Brian muttered, “Dr. Sears. Think we should call him up to see if he wrote these prescriptions because Nick needed them, or...?”

“Brian check your watch,” AJ said. “What doctor’s office would be open at this time?”

Brian’s head drooped, “So maybe it’s not drugs. Maybe he’s just taking this stuff…”

“Brian, drugs are drugs, whether they be prescription or not!” Kevin stood up, “He’s endangering himself, and we have to do something about it.”

“I wonder if anyone else has noticed his behavior but us,” Howie looked curious, “Like his parents, maybe they know he’s been acting strangely, or his friends… I know he doesn’t have many outside of us, but still.”

Kevin was nodding, “We should give his parents a call.”

Brian nodded. He moved to the hotel phone and tried to recall the number. He dialed slowly, “What do I say guys?”

“I’ll talk,” Kevin volunteered reaching for the phone. Brian’s face looked relieved, then troubled. He hung up the phone.

“What?”

“According to the operator the Carters don’t live there anymore. It says the line’s been disconnected.

Chapter 15

“Disconnected? Are you sure you dialed the right number?” Kevin asked taking the phone and re-dialing the number. After receiving the same message, he hung up.

“Nick’s family moved again,” Brian said, “I bet the move isn’t recent either… I feel like slime. I wonder if he tried to tell me about it.”

Kevin shrugged, “I wonder where we can get the new number. I’m gonna call information.”

“Mandy!” AJ snapped his fingers suddenly, “If Nick’s still with her, then maybe she knows where his parents are!”

“AJ, why would Mandy still be with Nick? Unlike us, she probably noticed Nick’s… drug abuse,” Brian said bitterly.

“I’m still gonna give her a call… there’s a chance she may know something,” AJ muttered, “I’m gonna go get the band directory.” The band directory, the official phone book that held every number deemed important. Nick had added Mandy’s cell phone and home number with a goofy smile not more than two years ago, back when everything and everybody had been normal. It seemed like decades had gone by since they had all been normal.

Her home phone rang and rang. AJ hung up when the answering machine answered,” No luck, I’m gonna try calling her…”

A voice in the hall, no two voices speaking very animatedly, and one of those voices could be identified as Nick Carter.

“He’s back,” Brian said dreadfully, “and we’re on. Lights, camera, and does anybody have a gun so I can shoot myself?”

“Relax Cuz,” Kevin sat. He came to join the others on the bed. They would all be sitting on it, facing the door, ready to confront Nick.

“And here’s where I sleep,” Nick was chattering to someone in a rush. His voice sounding excited. Noises of bodies hitting the wall could be heard, and a girl’s husky laugh penetrated the air. Fumbling. Somebody was trying to fit the keycard in the hole and failing miserably. It was all Kevin could do not to stand up and rip that door open. He wanted to shake Nick until his teeth rattled. He wasn’t aware of how angry he was until he sensed Nick’s presence. That stupid idiot, kid! He had everything going for him, money, looks, good family, friends, fame… But hey, Kevin had that too, and even then he had felt depressed. But he never started putting pills down his throat! He had never even thought about it, “Kevin calm down, we agreed there would be no yelling.”

“I’m not gonna yell,” Kevin said through clenched teeth, “Hurry up and open the damn door, Nickolas.”

They shot wary glances at Kevin.

“Got it!” was the exclamation of triumph from outside. The door opened, and they heard a shush, “Now we gotta be quiet, ya see I got these four old guys who hang around like they’re my parents. Well, no, not exactly like them…” he was silenced as the girl was opening his shirt and beginning to get very physical, he giggled, then turned…

“OH MY GOD!!!”

Both Nick and the girl shrieked and jumped back crashing back into the hallway on the floor. Kevin stalked toward him like a jungle cat, grabbing him by the arms and yanking him up. He almost threw him inside the room, “Get out of here!” He barked at the girl. He slammed the door closed and yelped as Nick jumped on his back from behind punching him in every place that was visible to him. He even bit him, and he was yelling something indecipherable. Kevin struggled to get Nick off his back. Brian, AJ, and Howie had seized hold of his limbs and were pulling him off. They held him pinned to the bed.

“How DARE you! What the hell are you doing in MY room?! Get the HELL out! How DARE you!” They held him until he quit thrashing. AJ was sitting on his back, Brian and Howie each held an arm and a leg.

“What are these Nick?” Kevin tossed the bottle after bottle of tranquilizers and antidepressants on the bed beside Nick’s face. Nick grunted and rolled his eyes to see what had landed beside him. “Well gee they look like bottles Kev, little orange bottles.”

Kevin controlled his rage, “Yes, but what’s in them Nick?”

“Well hell, it seems you’ve already gone through my stuff thoroughly enough to find them, I would think you had the sense to read the labels to see what they are!”

“Nick why? You don’t need that stuff…” Brian was saying.

“How the hell would you know what I need? Get the hell off me!” Nick shouted struggling to get up again. He was pressed more firmly into the mattress, “Damn it!”

“Nickolas, where’d you get this stuff? Who did you pay for these?”

“GET OFF YOU’RE CRUSHING ME!”

“Where’d you get it?” Kevin pressed.

“Dr. Sears, my psychiatrist!” Nick screamed, “He gave them to me! Get off me!”

“Just calm down Nicky, we’re not here to hurt you, we want to help,” Howie spoke calmly, rubbing Nick’s back in small circles as he was held down on the bed.

“Well you’re HURTING me!” Nick shrieked, he was whimpering. Brian eased up on his grip, and AJ climbed off his legs. Nick raised up slowly, his face was flushed and wet with tears.

“When did you start seeing a psychiatrist Nick?” Brian asked softly. He tried to touch his face, but Nick flinched away.

“A few months ago,” he said bitterly, “My mom thought it would be a good idea….” He laughed colorlessly. He sat up and wiped his face roughly.

“Why Nick?” asked Howie, Brian lost his nerve and had sat back after Nick wouldn’t let him touch him.

“To make me perfect Howie. Isn’t that what everybody wants from me?” Nick asked looking sour but sincere.

“Nick, abusing medication doesn’t make you perfect,” Kevin said harshly, “It makes you stupid. Haven’t you seen what happens to people who abuse…”

“SHUT UP!” Nick covered his ears, “How can you be so hypocritical of me! YOU WANTED PERFECTION YOU GOT IT! Oh Nick you were so perfect! Nick you were so mature, the best one of us. You’re the reason the group stuck together. You were our glue. I WANTED TO SCREAM!”

“Nicky, we didn’t know…” Brian began.

“THERE’S A LOT YOU DON’T! BUT YOU DIDN’T CARE! You just wanted me to be… to be Nicky… Nicky’s gone. I’m here, but nobody wanted to accept me. I’m too quiet. I’m too moody. Not as fun as Nicky! So I found a way to bring him back, and when I was him… no one complained. No one said anything, but good job, Nick,” Nick had pulled his knees to his chest and buried his head in them, “Good job Nick.”

Kevin sat on the bed, and leaned next to him. He tried to catch his chin, raise his head, but Nick jerked away. “Nick, if we had known that you felt that way…”

“How were you to know? You all were too busy with your heads stuck up your own asses to notice I wasn’t happy. The pressure from it all nearly burst my eardrums. I had to be what you guys needed, what the fans wanted…” Nick rubbed his nose, and swallowed.

“That’s when you discovered cocaine?” AJ asked, Brian shot him a withering glare, he was going to apologize to Nick for AJ, when Nick nodded, “Cocaine, the crystals, whatever was necessary...”

“God Nicky,” Kevin’s voice broke, and he reached to hold Nick, he just wanted to touch him in some way, but Nick moved even further away, to the corner of the bed. He was just out-of-reach, as he had been, Kevin realized, for many months. He just hadn’t known it. “If you came to us about this, we would have listened…”

“My own parents didn’t listen, why should you?!” Nick cried, he stood and began to pace. He knocked small objects off the dressers. He opened and slammed doors to the closet and bathroom, “Why should I? I went to my Mom, and she sent me to a shrink. She couldn’t help me, and neither could he... cause he didn’t care either. He just wrote me a prescription to get me something to shut me up. If I’m quiet, then I’m fine…”

“What about your Dad, did he agree to that?” Bob Carter has always struck Howie as a person who liked to deal with things at home. He certainly wouldn’t have paid anyone to drug his son.

“My Dad,” Nick was choking incredulously, he began to laugh hysterically. It was a cynical sound.

“Nick stop it,” Brian begged.

“Nick stop it,” Nick mocked him, “My Dad was too busy screwing my brother’s vocal coach!” He punched the wall and leaned his head against it, “He was still too pissed at me for not lying for him to my mother!”

“What?” four head jerked to stare at him.

“Oh Nick,” Brian sobbed, “I’m so sorry, I should have been there. I would have…”

“You would have… but you didn’t Brian!” Nick yelled through his tears, his body shook with his sobs, “I didn’t have anyone on my side, but… but Mandy, and sometimes Brent. But they’re so far away, and it got too hard.”

“Nicky we’re here now,” Howie offered, “None of us were there for each other. Everyone was going through hell…. And we were wrong for thinking that you wouldn’t be too. We’re sorry, I’m sorry, for pressuring you to believe that you had to… to do this shit, because we wanted to believe that you were ok. None of us wanted to think that we may have hurt you, or ignored you, cause it would have killed us Nick. You’re our little brother, and we didn’t want anything to be wrong with you, because then it would be our fault,” Howie was close to touching Nick then, he could feel his shivers, “None of us wanted to face it, our worst fear.”

“Me?” Nick asked in a shaky voice.

“Yeah, Nicky, you,” Howie said, he took a breath and moved his hand to Nick’s shoulder, “Nick, now is the time. It’s not too late.” He was feeling empowered now, Nick hadn’t moved when he touched him, “Just tell us what you’ve been taking. Tell us all that’s been going wrong. We’ll help you. We won’t send you away to anyone…”

Nick slid out of Howie’s hold and stalked towards the closet, ”If you’d said that a few months ago I might have been ecstatic. Just bubbling with joy, they noticed me! God, how I wanted attention… in fact, that’s why Dr. Sears said I did half the crazy things I did.” His whole demeanor had changed. He had visibly straightened up. He had wiped his eyes and ran a hand through his hair, “What have I been taking? Why Howie, you wanna try? It’ll make ya feel so good, and make the sex so…” he paused, “sensual… when you’re high. Food tastes better; air smells sweeter. And you’re perfect!” Nick tossed his head back and laughed, “Virtually perfect.” He sorted through his closet searching for something. He paused on a jacket he took it off the rack and threw it over his bony shoulders. He tossed a plastic baggy full of white powder on the bed beside Brian and AJ. AJ was the one who made the move to touch it, “That’s a sample. You guys want some more I can get you in touch with a guy who can supply you with the best…” Nick headed for the door.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” Kevin asked, his voice sounding tired, drained, but purposeful.

“Oh you care now Kevin? You would probably freak if you knew all the places I’ve been. Being on tour helps, I made the best connections in Europe,” Nick spoke quite honestly, his eyes clear and shining.

“Sit down,” Kevin said.

Nick’s eyes narrowed, but he smiled, “Ok…” He moved closer to them, relaxing them a bit, but then he suddenly turned and bolted for the door. AJ and Kevin were up in a flash bounding after him. Brian and Howie sat stunned for a few seconds before they went in pursuit.

AJ cursed as he saw Nick jump into the passenger seat of a black car, and the car speeding away. “DAMN IT!” Kevin screamed behind him, “Who the hell’s driving that car?”

“I don’t know,” AJ said, “God, where is he going? Where would he go?”

“Where’s Nick?” Brian demanded leaning on the brick walls breathing hard, “Where’d he go?”

“That’s what we have to find out,” AJ said in a soft voice.

“Oh God please let him be safe,” Brian prayed, “Please protect him, and forgive me for being a bad friend…”

“Brian, you’re not a bad friend,” Kevin began.

“Shut the hell up! I thought we agreed to no yelling at him? What happened to that Kev?”

“Brian...”

“Don’t touch me,” Brian snapped, “I’m going back to my room. I’m gonna find Nick.”

He turned and disappeared inside the hotel leaving Howie, AJ, and Kevin staring after him.

Chapter 16

“BJ, it’s Mandy, call me back immediately. It’s Nick.” BJ Carter felt her blood freeze in her veins as she played back her voice mail. It’s Nick. Oh God. Her stomach hurt. What if he’d overdosed again? BJ had barely helped him the first time. She packed a small backpack and grabbed her purse. She had already called the airline and ordered herself a ticket to Orlando. She quietly opened her bedroom door and made her way down the hall. The house was asleep, and BJ was not about to be the reason they woke up. “Where ya going Beej?” Leslie Carter appeared in front of her sister.

BJ almost screamed, “Damn it, Leslie, trying to give me a heart attack?” BJ breathed.

“Where are you going BJ?” Leslie repeated her question, staring at her sister intently, “I’ll wake up Mom, if you don’t tell me.”

BJ groaned and stomped her foot, “Leslie this is important, I don’t have time for this game!”

“You’re not going out to…”

“No, I don’t drink anymore if that’s what you are hinting around too!” BJ fumed, “Now out of my way!”

“I’m gonna get Mom.”

“Leslie it’s about Nick, not me. He needs my help, and I have to be in Orlando,” BJ found herself actually pleading with her younger sister.

“Nick? What about Nick? What’s wrong with him?” Leslie immediately looked frightened.

Nick had been pretty unstable as of late, and everyone in the family knew it. “I don’t know Leslie, I just have to go…”

“Take me with you,” Leslie threw herself in BJ’s path once again , “He’s my brother too BJ! Just because he likes you better…”

BJ grabbed her sister roughly by the arms, “What did you just say?”

“Oh come BJ, you know it’s true.”

“Leslie he loves all of us the same. He just, he feels he can confide in me more. Leslie, this is not for your eyes to see, ok? Trust me. Don’t tell Mom where I am,” BJ started down the stairs again but Leslie grabbed her, “Either I go, or neither one of us goes at all.”

BJ almost screamed at her, but knew it would do nothing but get her caught and Nick needed her, “Fine, fine, but you have no time to pack… And you need a plane ticket…. God.”

“I can buy one at the desk. How many people want 2:15 in the morning flights to Orlando?” Leslie said taking her sister’s arm, “Lets go.”

“Who did you call back at the airport?” Leslie questioned her sister as soon as they were on the plane and high above the clouds. BJ had settled back into her seat listening to her portable CD player, “I called the hotel where Nick was supposed to be.”

“Why?”

“Well I figured the guys might be worried in the morning if they woke up and Nick is gone. I let them know he’s gone back home,” BJ said closing her eyes.

“What’d they say?” Leslie was curious. Just how much did they know about Nick?

BJ shook her head, “They were so shocked to hear from me…. They asked if I had heard from Nick. I told them he’d gone home. They said they were on their way…” BJ bit her lip as she wondered how much they knew about the situation. Leslie knew nothing of her brother’s darker tendencies to experiment with drugs, but she did know about his eating habits…

Leslie nodded, “They’re good friends.”

BJ shot her a look, but kept quiet with the nasty comment she was going to make. She turned up her music and relaxed. Don’t be stupid Nick, I’m on my way. The plane just couldn’t go fast enough for BJ Carter.

Chapter 17

“The Firm is gonna eat us alive,” Kevin was muttering as he unloaded his bags from the baggage claim.

“Who freakin’ cares about them? Nick’s my only concern,” Brian was putting his small bag on his shoulders and rushing to catch up with AJ, who was already at the car rental booth.

“Come on hurry up! You pack like a damn girl Kevin!” Howie grabbed some of Kevin’s bags carrying them along with his own.

“They’re not all my bags, some are Nick’s,” Kevin snapped, “I tried to make it look like we all packed up and left. Not Nick ran away and we’re chasing after him. I don’t want this in the news…”

Howie stared at him, not knowing if he should be sickened, or feel relieved for someone to be thinking about their careers. “Come on,” he ran in front of Kevin.

AJ was nervously lighting a cigarette and quickly lifted his single bag when he saw Howie and Kevin making their way over, “Do we even know where to look?”

“Apparently, Mandy and Brent are trying to stick with him,” Brian said sounding jittery, “We’re trying to meet up with the girls.”

“BJ and Leslie,” Howie nodded, “Why’s Leslie coming?”

Brian shrugged, “She’s his sister, why shouldn’t she come?”

Howie decided not to ask anything else. Brian was getting snappish. That was never a good thing.

“I think I see them,” AJ nodded to two teenage girls making their way towards them. One tall and blond, the other was shorter with brown hair. The blond waved.

The airport was sparsely populated, but the Boys still wore their hats to conceal their faces. BJ and Leslie Carter approached, “How much do you know about my brother?” BJ was direct. No greetings or any formalities were exchanged. Her face was hard.

“Uh,” Howie was taken aback by her coldness, “We know he’s hurting himself…”

“Crystal meth, coke, smokes ice when he can get the chance,” BJ spoke in a monotone, “He loves the prescription stuff too.”

Brian nodded, “Yeah, we confronted him tonight. That’s why he ran.”

“Tonight,” BJ nodded cynically, “Lets get to the car, I’m gonna call Amanda and figure out where they are.” She walked ahead of them with Leslie close at her side.

“I think they’re pissed off at us,” AJ said puffing on his cigarette.

“Nah, ya think?” Howie said flatly taking AJ’s cigarette out of his mouth and dropping it in a nearby trash can made just for unwanted cigarettes.

Kevin coasted the rented 99’ Expedition near the back of the club. The last thing they needed was for someone to see them. Though he was pretty sure they had seen Nick. BJ was out of the car first; followed by her sister. AJ held their arms, “You girls walk in the middle of us, ok? This is a rough place.” AJ knew the club vaguely. Bar fights broke out almost every night. The one time AJ had come the police had barged in and nearly arrested everyone on the scene. He didn’t need that type of publicity. There were enough rumors about him already.

“Brent! Mandy!” BJ called almost as soon as they entered the club. Leslie had to go back to the car. She wasn’t near old enough to enter the club. She had pouted but took the keys and went to lock herself in the car and lay low until they returned, with Nick.

A young man and a young woman turned to face them, both dark haired, “BJ,” the girl spoke. They hugged briefly. Glares and quick greetings were shot to the Boys, who knew they deserved it. Everyone seemed to be angry with them about Nick.

“Where is he?” AJ asked.

“Over there,” Mandy nodded to the far side of the club to the dance floor, “We can’t get him off. But as long as we can see him, it’s ok.”

BJ nodded, and tried to weave her way over, but Brent caught her arm, “Not alone girl.” He accompanied her. Too many oddly dressed strangers crowded the place, and Brent was afraid to lose the blond girl amongst them.

Brian wanted so badly to follow, but Mandy caught his arm, “It wouldn’t be a good idea now.”

They saw BJ and Brent now standing in front of Nick who was with a Gothic girl in black with jet- black hair and a collar. They seemed to be arguing. BJ was yelling, and Nick was yelling. Someone came to break it up, and Nick shoved him, thus causing a brawl. There was screaming and yelling. There was a sea of broken glass around the dance floor as bottles were broken over tables, chairs, heads… Brian, Kevin, AJ, and Howie fought their way into the altercation, careful to avoid glass and needles. Brent was dragging Nick away. Kevin quickly caught hold of BJ and lifted her as he ran.

Mandy was outside she had found the car, and Leslie. Brent lowered Nick to the ground. He had stopped thrashing around so much, “God BJ, why’d you have to come?”

“To keep you from killing yourself you idiot!” BJ screamed with tears in her eyes, “You promised you’d stop!”

“It got too hard!” Nick yelled back, he tried to get up, but was pushed back down. He paled and lowered his head to his knees, “Oh God…”

“What? What’s wrong now?” BJ immediately lost her anger and concern flooded her as she knelt by her brother.

“Nothing...just a dizzy spell,” he said in a shaky voice not raising his head from his knees.

AJ got down beside him too, “Nick, what all did you take tonight?”

Nick squinted, “Boner? ‘Zat you? How’d you get here?”

“Nicky, what did you take?” AJ repeated louder, he shook Nick a bit.

“What did I take?”

“Yes. What did you take?” AJ repeated, “You have to tell me.”

Nick’s eyes looked glassy, he reached in his pocket and handed AJ half a tab, “That’s all I got left of them...”

“Is this X?”

Nick made a face as he thought about it, “Probably so, I’m not sure anymore. I gotta get up, wanna move...” AJ put his hand to his forehead registering the heat he felt there, then his neck to check his pulse, “You heart is about to explode! Did you drink or take anything else Nicky? Uh-uh, wake up, look at me,” AJ slapped his face, “Did you drink or take anything else, Nick? Nick!”

“Y…Yes…” he was breaking out into a sweat, “I had some drinks and I smoked some stuff… but it made me feel so good.”

AJ looked up to see the frightened faces of the others, “We have to get him to a doctor. I don’t know how much he took or what he drank, but it might kill him if we don’t hurry.”

Chapter 18

“I got him!” Brent was barking at Kevin who was crowding him, trying to take Nick out of his arms.

“But where are you going to take him?” Kevin continued to stalk him to his truck. Mandy was opening the door so Brent could put Nick inside.

“To the hospital you idiot, he’ll die if we don’t!” Brent snapped.

“You can’t take him to a regular hospital the media would be all over him!” Kevin yelled seizing Nick’s limbs struggling to take him from Brent, “We have to call and arrange something private.”

“You son of a bitch! Is that all you care about all of a sudden?”

“Dr. K!” Howie suddenly exclaimed, he pulled out his cell phone and began dialing a familiar number.

“Who?” Brian turned to stare at them, he was running to help Brent pull Nick from Kevin’s invading hands.

“A family friend, he runs his own private medical center, we can take Nicky there,” Howie said, “Hello?” he spoke into the phone.

Mandy rolled her eyes, “I suppose you’d want to take him there too?”

Brian shot her a hurt look. AJ glared at them all, “Would everyone stop squabbling and pay attention to Nick, he looks like he’s gonna...!”

“Shit,” both Kevin and Brent cursed at the same time as Nick gagged and spewed vomit onto the concrete just missing his shoes. They held him in between them, Brent trying to rub his back a little. He stopped after a minute, with a little moan, “I feel weird...”

“Come on guys,” Howie said urgently, “Dr. K, says he’s waiting for us!” Brent and Kevin glared each other down before Brent yielded and let Kevin lift Nick. He set him inside the rental car, “You guys follow us.”

“London bridge is…”

“Is what Nick? Nick come on, wake up!” AJ slapped Nick’s face gently. Nick’s drooping eyes opened slowly and studied AJ hazily, “Mandy? You look different… I’m sorry baby, let Nicky make you feel better.”

“Um no, Nick,” AJ said in horror, eyes widening in shock. Brian snickered slightly beside him, “Mandy’s not here, she’s riding behind us in Brent’s truck.”

“She’s still screwing Brent huh?” Nick chuckled, “Good choice. I might have been mad if she had told me she was screwing you.” He shut his eyes again.

“Nick open your eyes,” AJ said in a loud voice. Nick grumbled something negatively, “Sleepy Bone…”

“No you’re not,” AJ gave him a shake, “Nick come on! Shit, Nick, come on!”

“Oh damn,” Brian bit his lip, “Nick!” He began to yell, he tried to move AJ out of his way, but AJ held his place in the seat beside Nick firmly, “Nick! He is burning up...”

“We’re almost there,” Howie said trying to calm Brian down, who was starting to freak out in the backseat, and himself. His palms sweated as he guided the car down the narrow street. They were 5 minutes away. Kevin sat in the passenger seat biting his nails. The minute Howie hit the parking lot, the doors to the car flew open, and AJ was hauling Nick out. Kevin, Brian, and Howie immediately ran to his side. Brent’s truck roared into the parking lot. BJ, Leslie and Mandy were out of the truck before the truck came to a complete halt.

“Is he dead? Is he dead?” Leslie kept screaming almost knocking AJ over as he was trying to pull Nick to his feet. Kevin quickly grabbed him and lifted him up. He pushed inside the clinic with everyone following. Two nurses and a gurney were already waiting for them as they entered. Kevin laid Nick down gently and the nurses wheeled him away, “Wait!” Kevin yelled. Another nurse appeared and stopped their pursuit of their friend, “You are to wait here, the doctor will help your friend. Have a seat.”

”No! No!” BJ was screaming, “He’s my brother, you gotta let me go with him! I’m the only one he trusts! Please…” she fell to her knees, crying loudly.

“Miss, if you do not settle down we will have to sedate you,” the nurse hissed. Brian tried to pull her off the floor, “NOOO!” She yelled. She bit him, “HE NEEDS ME!” Two orderlies came in then and took the task of BJ away from Brian. They lifted her like a rag doll, her body slumped, and the nurse rushed beside her. Leslie screamed as she Mandy and Brent rushed forward, “BJ!”

“It’s ok, she’s fainted,” the nurse said, “We’re going to take her to a room, where she can get some rest.”

“Can I go with you?” Leslie asked her eyes wide and teary.

The nurse’s eyes filled with sympathy for the girl, “Come on Honey, and while you’re there I’ll bring you some hot chocolate.”

The others watched as Leslie and BJ Carter were taken away.

“I didn’t know BJ could yell like that,” Brian said shakily, walking back to the couches everyone else was sitting on.

“You’re lucky you’ve only had to hear it once,” Mandy said bitterly, “This isn’t the first time this has happened.”

Five heads snapped toward her, “He’s overdosed before?”

“Well if he had that much of a problem what was he doing on tour with us in the first place? He should have been somewhere… getting some kind of treatment!” Kevin yelled.

“Oh easy for you to say now, Kevin! He’s 20 years old, if he doesn’t want rehab there is nothing on this earth that can force him to go!” Mandy yelled, “We tried!”

“Well you didn’t try hard enough… I bet I…”

“Hey get off her case! How dare you yell at her! She did everything in her power to help him. I’ve done everything... What have you guys done? Nothing! And he lived right under your stupid noses! How could you have not noticed! He was screaming for your attention!” Brent was rising from his chair, threatening to approach Kevin.

“He used to call me from Europe, Asia, just crying some nights. He couldn’t sleep, and he was lonely. And I thought to myself why should he be lonely with those four wonderful guys he calls his brothers there to be with him… But then I found out what asshole’s you guys actually are! He did everything to please you, and make you happy, but you never let him know that you cared that he did,” Mandy said wiping her eyes, “I wanted so badly to be there with him I cried too…”

“You can’t blame this on us, we were all going through our own hell, having our own problems. We’re finally back on track now. We told him that we appreciated him, and the way he behaved on tour towards us…”

“So you basically went and told him, ‘Hey Nick, way to be a crack head! Keep up the good work!’” Brent grunted sarcastically.

Brian rushed at him arms outstretched. AJ and Howie jumped on him and held him back, “What the hell gives you the right to talk Brent… Mandy? I heard what Nick said about you two in the car. He asked us if you, Mandy, were still screwing Brent! What’s with that, huh?”

Mandy’s face flushed with embarrassment, as Brent’s face paled with pure shock. One look at their faces let Howie, Brian, Kevin, and AJ know that Nick, out-of-it as he had been, was telling the truth.

“How could you? He loves you!” now Brian was on the attack, “He has your number on speed dial…even at my house! Now that’s commitment! I bet your little indiscretions didn’t help the situation out much either!”

Mandy sighed and reached for Brent’s hand, “It didn’t. In fact, tonight is the first night he’s spoken to us in a while. The last time he talked to us was a few months ago. Nick had a fight with his mother and he lost it. He went berserk and called wanting me to pick him up from the airport. When I did he was already high, and then he wanted to drink, and I couldn’t stop him alone, so I called Brent. We were both so scared about him, and we liked to talk about it with each other. And before either of us knew it, there was an attraction… and Nick saw it. He accused us of cheating, and we didn’t lie. That was the last time we heard from him… We’re sorry, we didn’t want it to happen, it just did. We tried to stop it, we didn’t even see each other for a while…”

Brian glared at them condemningly, “It’s no excuse… But I can’t yell at you about it, I wasn’t much better. He needed me and I wasn’t there, I’m a great best friend.”

They were silent then Howie broke the silence, “Brent, Mandy… Do Nick’s parents… er… or does Nick’s mother know about this? Nick told us she sent him to a therapist. Do we need to notify her?”

Both Brent and Mandy looked up in surprise, “Man, you guys really don’t know anything!”

“Thanks for clearing that fact up to us…” AJ muttered with a sigh, he was itching for a cigarette.

“Nick’s mother thought he was suicidal… and believe me, he wasn’t doing anything to make her think otherwise. He would sleep all day or stay up all night, and he was starving himself. This was long before any drugs came into the picture,” Brent said with a shrug, “I was the one who called and told her he wasn’t eating. Somehow he got it in his mind that people would like him better if he was thinner. She sent him to this really expensive guy, and all he did was give him drugs…”

“Once Nick discovered if you took more than you were supposed to it would give him this euphoric feeling, so he made it routine. Next thing I knew he was taking me to weird clubs and experimenting with all sorts of things. He never tried needles… but everything else required his attention…” Mandy said sadly.

“And how do BJ and Leslie come into this?” asked AJ.

“Leslie doesn’t. She must have caught BJ sneaking out. BJ and Nick have a bond between them. When he went nuts, so did she. BJ liked clubs and drinks too, but she never tried drugs. She, Nick and I, happened to be at the same club one night. I could never stop Nick from going to the clubs, but I never let him go alone when I could. That night it was really bad, he’d done some stuff that made him really sick. I was trying to get him back to the hotel I was staying at, his mother despises me, and BJ came over to help. That’s how she found out,” Mandy said, “Leslie only knew about his depression… She found out about Nick’s real problem tonight.”

“Poor kid,” Brian commented. A doctor suddenly appeared in front of them, “Hello?”

“Dr. Karebyn,” Howie stood to shake the doctor’s hand and embrace him briefly, “How is he?”

“Your young friend is alright, for now, we’ve got him on an IV to hydrate him. We used charcoal to absorb as much of substances as we could. Then we went through with an epigastric lavage.”

“A what?” Brian’s face was 3 shades paler than earlier.

“Stomach pump,” Dr. Karebyn simplified.

“Oh,” Brian nodded, “And?”

“Your friend has a drug problem. We have found traces of ecstasy, amphetamines, antidepressants, and alcohol in his body,” Dr. K. continued.

“Are you going to send him to rehab or something?” Kevin asked wringing his hands together.

“I don’t have the power to order him to rehabilitation. The boy’s not a minor, from the charts you’ve filled out it lets me know he’s 20. Unless he’s been arrested and ordered by the court to go to rehabilitation, he doesn’t have to go anywhere.”

Brent and Mandy glared an “I told you so” at Kevin.

“But Dr. K, what can we do? He needs help and he won’t listen to reason!” Howie said rubbing his face roughly.

“You can be his friends. You’re what he really needs right now. I’m going to discharge him tomorrow. He’s going to be weak and maybe a little disoriented. Take him home with you, take care of him. Talk to him, let him know how much you care. He’ll come around. Once he actually says the words “I need help” is when his recovery will truly begin. Now I’m not going to disillusion you, this is not going to be fun, or pleasant. Withdrawal symptoms are a beast, and you’ll have to be ready at all times to call the emergency number. He’s gonna hate you, and you’re gonna hate him. Are you willing to take on that challenge?”

AJ, Brian, Howie, and Kevin all glanced at each other, then nodded, “Of course, anything for Nick.”

Brent and Mandy also agreed, “Anything for Nick.”

Dr. Karebyn smiled, “That’s great to hear. Ok, now you can see him.”

Chapter 19

“Where am I?” BJ Carter asked aloud. She looked to see her sister beside her, “Leslie?” She was in a pastel colored room in a small bed.

“BJ?” Leslie said, ”Are you ok? How are you feeling?”

“Fine, fine… Nick?” BJ looked panicked, “Where is he?”

Leslie shut her eyes, “He’s in a room. AJ came in earlier and said he was fine.”

BJ nodded, “Can I see him?”

Leslie looked over to her, “If you feel up to it.”

BJ blinked then slowly sat up, “I feel fine. Where is he?” Leslie stood to take her sister’s arm and helped her to stand, “I’ll take you. He’s still asleep though.”

“And if you ever do anything like this again, I’ll kill you,” Brian was lecturing to Nick as he slept, “No, no, can’t say ‘kill.’” He sighed and looked to be in deep thought, he noticed BJ and Leslie looking at him oddly through the doorway.

“Hey girls. BJ, are you feeling ok?” he asked politely, “I was just practicing my speech to Nick for when he wakes up.”

“Yes,” BJ nodded, “I’m fine.” She approached the bed and peered down into her brother’s pale, lurid face, “You idiot, what if we hadn’t been there?” She ran a tender hand through his damp dirty blond hair. She felt her sister’s presence, “Were you ever going to tell me?” Leslie asked quietly.

BJ glanced at her slowly, “If it was necessary. Nick and I liked to keep things between us.”

Leslie’s face was a slide projector of emotions, anger, betrayal, disbelief, disappointment, finally she said, “Why BJ? Don’t you think that if you would have told me… and Mom, that maybe we could have done something! Mom could have made him…”

“Oh like when she sent him to therapy?” BJ snapped nastily, “You saw what good that did! That’s why he’s here! Mom would have Nick locked up somewhere… “

“At least he wouldn’t be able to hurt himself with drugs Bobby Jean!” Leslie hissed, “I heard what the doctor said… Nick doesn’t have to go to rehab unless he wants to… But after I call Mom, and tell her what’s going on…”

BJ was cringing over the use of her full name, then froze when Leslie said “…after I call Mom…” “NO!!” BJ grabbed her sister’s arm, roughly, “No parents. They only make things worse. We give Nick our love and support now, and he’ll come around. You call Mom, and he’ll freak out. He’ll kill himself Leslie. He threatened to before, that’s why I never told… and also because his trust is one of the most precious things I own.”

Leslie stood still with tears coursing down her face, “I wouldn’t know about trust BJ, since neither one of you ever gave yours to me.” She turned on her older sister gripping her shirt collar, “You’ve never tried drugs before?”

BJ shook her head, “I partied and drank, and did some things I don’t care to talk about… but I’ve never done drugs.”

Leslie bit her lip on a sob, “God, how did our family get so messed up? Just a few years ago we had the perfect family. I thought everyone wanted to be us! What happened to us?”

BJ’s heart went out to her younger sister as she sobbed and hugged herself. BJ wanted to wrap her arms around her, but was frozen in place. She instead concentrated on brushing stray wisps of hair out of Nick’s eyes. She left Leslie’s question unanswered.

BJ heard the sound of the door closing. Leslie had left, as had Brian a long time ago. BJ sighed and recounted Leslie’s question, “What did happen to us?”

She felt a stirring under her fingertips. Nick was shifting around a bit, “Nicky?”

Nick’s eyes opened after hearing his name being said, they were gray and cloudy. They stared at BJ questioningly.

“Nick! How are feeling?” BJ asked rubbing his hands.

Nick groaned a bit and gazed around the room at his new surroundings, “Where is this place?”

BJ’s happiness left her, “You’re in a medical clinic. You just had you stomach pumped Nick. You almost died.”

Nick stared at her, “I did?”

BJ nodded, fresh tears falling from her eyes retracing the tracks of the old ones, “You scared us all…”

“Us?”

“Yeah Nick, us…” Brian had poked back into the room, followed by AJ, Howie, Kevin, Brent, and Mandy.

Nick stared at them all and licked his dry lips, “What the hell are all of you doing here?”

Mandy rolled her eyes, “Oh excellent ‘thank you’ Nick! What are we doing here? Well gee, after saving your stupid ass, we also wanted to make sure you’d be ok! I can’t believe you!” She stalked towards the bed ready to slap him, “You scared the hell out of me!”

Nick blinked, and frowned, “I’m sorry,” he said in a quiet manner that made Mandy pause, “You’re what?”

“Sorry!” Nick repeated in a louder voice. He winced in pain, and BJ smoothed back his hair, “You ok?”

“My stomach hurts…”

“It should, do you know what all they had to do to get all that crap out of your system?” AJ informed him, “You’re lucky to still have a stomach.”

Nick cringed and swallowed, “I’ll be more careful…”

“No, you won’t… You won’t have to be, because you’re never going to touch that stuff again,” Kevin said, “You have us now, you don’t need any substances to fix your problems… You need us, and we need you.”

Nick stared at Kevin oddly, “I need you? Oh no, I don’t need anybody. And you can’t tell me what I can and cannot do in my life! As soon as I can get out of here…”

“You’ll what Nick? You’ll go and buy more drugs!” the familiar voice to Nick came from the door to the room. He turned to face his younger sister Leslie. Leslie who would never even dream of her brother being a… “Leslie?”

“Nick listen to them! Let them help you!” Leslie yelled at him. She came to the bed and leaned over him, “I saw you last night Nick…and I was so scared. BJ fainted. I didn’t know what to do… Nick if I ever have to see it again, or have to go around wondering if it’s happened again, I don’t know what I’d do. I thought you were gonna die in the car on the way to the clinic Nick! I thought I was going to lose you… and just the day before I thought you were better! I thought you were happy, and eating… God Nick, please don’t do this to me…” Leslie sobbed into her brother’s chest.

Nick wore a horrified expression on his face. His hands cautiously found their way into Leslie’s brown hair and began to stroke absently, “I’m sorry Les, I’m so sorry… I didn’t know you would come… I never wanted you to know.” He suddenly looked very ill, “Do Aaron and Angel…?”

“No,” BJ shook her head, “Leslie found out on accident. But Nick, what if they were here? What would you say to them?”

Nick blinked back a few tears, “I’d apologize to them… Sorry your big brother’s such a screw up. I can’t be what everyone wants! It’s impossible. You guys want me to be brave and strong, the guys want me to be mature yet playful and fun, Mandy wants commitment, the fans want a flawless skinny image, management wants a spokesperson, Mom and Dad want a slave. I can’t do it anymore, I never could!” He was crying. Leslie had raised her head off his chest to take in his testimony. She wrapped her arms around him and cried with him, “No one asked you to do all that Nicky, no one did. You assumed too much.”

“Nick, we want to help you. The doctor says we can take you home with us tomorrow afternoon. We can go back to my place, “AJ was saying, “Or Kevin’s, or Brian’s, and just chill. We can all talk, and just hang Nicky. Please let us have that. We won’t force you to do anything. You’d just be there with us. Is that ok bro?”

Nick rubbed at his eyes, which were red from crying and fatigue, “I’m not going to rehab… I don’t have a… a…” he looked at Leslie, then BJ, “I’m not going…”

Leslie’s heart fell and she squeezed his hand, “Please Nicky, let us help you… We’ll do everything and anything… We’re not forcing you to go anywhere… We just want you to go home with AJ, or Brian… Take some time off, and think.”

Nick narrowed his eyes, “What about the tour?”

“We can’t tour when you’re sick Nick, and that’s what you are. And we have to get you better,” Howie said, “Let us take care of you. Please?”

“Please,” Leslie pleaded.

“Please,” BJ echoed.

Nick stared at all of the faces in the room gathered around him. All the attention that he craved was right here at his every beck and whim. He looked from pale face to teary face. He lingered the longest on the faces of his sisters. He shut his eyes briefly, then slowly opened them, he took a deep breath before he huskily said, “Ok.”

“OK?”

“Ok,” Nick repeated. This time he shut his eyes, and didn’t open them again. They would not open again until the next morning. The day AJ, Kevin, Howie, and Brian were going to get their second chances.

Chapter 20

“It’s settled,” Kevin was rubbing his hands together, “We’re taking him to my house.”

“Why your house?” Brian asked his cousin, “How can you just settle something like that without saying anything to any of us. Should we not care?” Brian was speaking in a very unpleasant tone; that Kevin didn’t like too well.

“So what? You want him to go stay with you and Leighanne. How would she feel about that when she returns home? Have you even told her?”

“Have I had time?” Brian shot back.

“Guys, whoa,” Howie put two fingers in his mouth and whistled, “Hey, calm down. Who cares which house Nick goes to, as long as he’s somewhere we can take of him at. My house if full of family, maybe it would do him good to see…”

Both Brian and Kevin were giving Howie unreadable looks, “Kevin, your house is fine,” Brian said in a slow voice.

“Howie, did you see how Nick reacted to his own family?” Kevin asked Howie, “We can’t scare him away, D. He can’t be overwhelmed.”

AJ entered the room with BJ, “We can go get him. Doc says it’s time.”

Howie, Kevin, and Brian glanced at each other, and nodded.

“I hate my clothes,” Nick was grumbling to himself as they entered the room and found him in front of a mirror. He appeared to be studying himself intensely, so intensely he had forgotten Leslie was in the room sitting on his bed watching him. Brian, Howie, AJ, Kevin, and BJ stood silently, listening to his commentary on himself.

“Nothing fits right,” He ran hands through his hair, letting it fall in his eyes, “I hate everything….”

Brian blinked, Nick was tearing himself apart, at this rate who needed the press? “Ahem,” he cleared his throat to alert him to their presence. Leslie turned to see them. Nick froze in the mirror. He stared at himself, then stepped back to see the others in the room standing in the doorway, “Ready to go?”

Brian nodded, “I see you found the bag Kevin packed for you.”

Nick nodded, “Thanks…” he said flatly.

“How are you feeling?” asked Howie, “Not too bad?”

Nick turned to face them, “I’m ok. Where are we going?”

“My house,” Kevin said. He ventured further into the room and lifted Nick’s bag.

AJ threw a glance at him, “His house? Why? He never liked us to come to his house. We’re too messy for him.”

“He wants to be in control naturally,” Brian said through his teeth, “Yeah, Kev’s house for a little while, then you can come to my house.”

Kevin glanced at him sharply before smiling briefly and nodding. Nick didn’t miss one motion. He was very observant, “You were fighting over this? Over me?”

Brian and Kevin looked ashamed, “Why?”

Both looked surprised at Nick’s question, “Why? Because we love you and want you to be in the best place possible. My house is big and clean and…”

“I knew it!” AJ butted in, “I knew it! You wanted to be in your own house cause it’s clean and you think the rest of us are dirty pigs!”

“I never added the dirty part in front of the pigs now,” Kevin countered. This made Brian and Howie smile, and made AJ give a little laugh.

BJ was ushering Nick away from his pale reflection and leading him towards the door. Leslie followed.

The four remaining Boys looked at each other, “Guys, I know this is gonna sound cheesy. In fact it is cheesy, but we have to make a pact,” Howie said seriously. Brian and AJ snickered furiously at Howie’s summer camp vocabulary, “I’m serious. No more fighting over Nick. If you haven’t noticed he’s become very perceptive. We cannot let him get bad vibes from us.”

AJ and Brian had sobered and were now nodding with gravity in their eyes. Kevin looked saddened, “Ok, so what’s the pact? We agree no fighting about Nick?”

Brian jerked his head positively in a hasty manner, “No more fighting.”

They all shook on it; then went to join the three Carters in the lobby.

“And Nick, you’ll get this room,” Kevin opened the door showing Nick to the guest room he had designated to him. The room was done in royal blue with dark paneled furniture and a queen-size bed in the middle. No mirrors, no bathroom, no TV… Nick looked at Kevin, “Why this room?”

Kevin blinked, “You don’t like it? Well we can find you another one, or maybe one of the girls could switch with you.” Kevin was about to call to BJ and Leslie, who were settling down in the rooms Kevin had given to them.

“No,” Nick said quickly, “It’s ok. I was just wondering.” He entered the room and sat down on the bed. He rested his head in his hands, and just sat there, shaking. Kevin closed his eyes on a tear that wanted to get out, but he refused to be a crybaby in front of Nick. He walked to the bed and sat beside Nick, “I know this is hard, and it’s gonna get harder, but this time all of us will be here together. You won’t have to do anything alone.”

Nick raised his head slightly, “Don’t say things you won’t mean later…” He lie back on the bed, “Do you have any painkillers?”

Kevin open his mouth, he had Tylenol, but the doctor said not to give him that. He would have to go out and buy Advil, or Aleve, or something, “You hurting?”

Nick closed his eyes, but nodded.

“We’ll get you something, but for right now, how about we get something to eat, huh? That might make you feel better too.”

“Not hungry,” Nick said emotionlessly, “Go on without me.”

“Nick, you haven’t eaten anything since yesterday, and even then you had your stomach…” he paused on his words, “It’s time to eat Nick. You’re too thin.”

“Well that’s better than being ‘too fat’ wouldn’t you agree Kev? Oh no wait, you’ve never had the problem,” Nick said bitterly, never opening his eyes, and never sitting up.

Kevin cringed, “You could have said en guard, Nick, then I would have at least been ready for attack,” Kevin said softly. He resisted the urge to pull Nick up into a sitting position to be sure he was listening, “Nick you were never too fat for anything. You were growing, and your body was still deciding what to do with itself.”

“Nobody ever saw it that way,” Nick muttered.

“Yes they did. Why do you think we teased you? If you were fat we wouldn’t play with you about it, that would be mean,” Kevin spoke with a chuckle, “All you needed was a little muscle tone, you would have been buff.”

Nick snorted, “Like you, huh?”

Kevin frowned, “Yeah. I was going to start taking you with me to the gym, but…”

“But what?”

Kevin sighed, “Brian told me that Leighanne wanted them to get married.”

“So?”

“Brian’s 25, Nick, he’s doing this right. I’m 28, and still without that special someone in my life that will make it all worth while.”

Nick was silent.

“I got depressed. Everybody seemed to be happy with girlfriends and fiancés at that time, but me. You had Mandy…”

“Mandy had Brent…” Nick added conversationally.

“Mandy had… huh?” Kevin was jarred from his train of thought. Nick’s eyes were open and he was concentrating on Kevin with his crystal blues.

“Kevin… you guys are gonna listen to me right?” Nick asked in a small voice.

“Yeah, Nicky,” Kevin said, “You wanna talk? I can get the others.”

Nick was quiet, then he shook his head, shutting his eyes back, “No.”

Kevin was taken aback, but Nick continued, “Not today, but it’s nice to know that when I do, someone will be listening.”

Chapter 21

“Mom, we’re fine,” Leslie Carter spoke into her sister’s cell phone. BJ refused to let her call from Kevin’s house. For some strange reason she did not want their mother to know exactly where they were.

Jane Carter’s voice sounded everything but relieved as she repeated her question, “Where ARE you?”

“I can’t tell you that Mom…”

“Where’s your sister?”

BJ took the phone from Leslie’s hands, “Mom, we’re fine. Nick’s not on tour anymore and we’re with him.”

“What do you mean Nick’s not on tour anymore? And why would you two leave out in the middle of the night to…”

“Think about it Mom, think long and hard,” BJ spoke sarcastically, then she hung up. She closed her phone and set it down on Kevin’s glass coffee table.

“What the hell did you do that for?” Leslie asked staring at her sister wide-eyed, “She was already mad!”

BJ shrugged, “Not my problem.”

“Did you call your Mom?” Brian entered the living room with a can of soda.

“Yeah,” BJ replied, “Has Nick had anything to eat yet?”

“AJ’s taking some soup up to him,” Brian said with a sigh. He rubbed his temples and stared at the blank TV screen in front of the couch, “Please God let us be able to pull this off.”

“Nick, buddy I brought you something to…” AJ was about to open the door to Nick’s room, and paused at the disturbing noises coming from inside. He pushed himself inside the room to find Nick with his head over a trash can heaving his insides. AJ set the tray of soup and crackers down on a dresser and went to Nick, he sat beside him on the carpet and rubbed his back. After a few minutes Nick shoved the trash can away from his face and began wiping his mouth with the back of his hand vigorously. He was perspiring and trembling at the same time. His dull blue eyes looked at AJ coolly, “What do you want?”

AJ fought back his urge to smile, Nick looked like a cross toddler who had just woken up from a nap, “Are you ok?”

Nick grunted, then moaned, “No! AJ, I gotta get out of here.”

“You wanna come downstairs with the others?” AJ asked, knowing exactly what kind of “out” Nick wanted, but not giving it to him.

Nick rolled his eyes, “Just let me go out and get something to… to tide me over until tomorrow. I was good yesterday! I won’t ask for anything else. I’ll stop after this, I promise. Just please let me go out and get some tonight.” Nick’s eyes were huge and pleading, they began to fill with tears as he saw the negative look on AJ’s face, “You can’t keep me here!” Nick cried, tears falling from his eyes. He wrapped his arms around himself in a futile attempt to calm his shivers.

“Nick, didn’t you tell your little sisters that you would try? Are you going to let them down Nick? Are you going to kick them in the stomach, Nick? Cause that’s what it feels like when someone you love is purposefully hurting himself and you can’t stop him; and you can’t trust him.”

Nick’s glassy eyes looked past AJ, “I…I… God it hurts! It hurts everywhere!” He sobbed relentlessly and AJ did his best to hold him, “I just need a little bit… a tranquilizer, anything.” He gagged again, and AJ reached for the trash can and held it under him as he vomited. AJ winced at the harsh sounds, and ran his hand through Nick’s thick, sweaty, mass of dark blond hair.

“It hurts, it hurts,” he kept saying, “Please let me out, I just need a little bit.”

AJ ignored his words, but held onto him. It looked like Nick eating dinner was out of the question for today. He watched the steam from the soup on the counter continue to get thinner and wispier, until it was gone. Nick’s whimpering had settled down a bit. AJ raised Nick’s head a little bit to discover that he was asleep. AJ sighed in relief. Seeing Nick that way broke his heart, and he knew that the next time Nick woke up, it would be much worse. He wondered… He hoped… that he could handle it.

Chapter 22

AJ entered the kitchen with a bowl of cold soup. Kevin frowned at the bowl as he took it to put in the sink, “He didn’t eat any of it?”

“He was too busy being sick,” AJ said curtly, “Did you get him some Aleve?”

Kevin nodded, “That’s what I sent Brian up there with. Is he bad?”

AJ nodded, “He needs real help Kevin. I don’t know how much longer we’re going to be able to keep him here. I think is he’s going through sedative withdrawal too...” Alex sighed deeply, trying to calm himself momentarily. They could deal with, they would convince him that he needed help. “He needs to eat something. He’s losing fluids, but he wouldn’t even look at the soup.”

“He’s gonna eat if we have to hold him down to the bed and ram it down his throat,” Kevin grumbled going to the sink to pour out the soup and run water in the sink and the bowl.

AJ watched Kevin scrub the bowl aggressively. AJ imagined Kevin was daydreaming it was Nick. “Kevin, you’re gonna have to calm down man, and take it easy with him.” Kevin’s scrubbing slowed down, “I know you’re mad and disappointed but Kev, the guys and I were talking, and… Well, if you can’t learn to control your temper when it comes to him…”

AJ heard the clunk of the bowl hitting the metal of the sink. Kevin tossed the sponge aside, “If I can’t you’ll kick me out of my own house?”

“Kev, you’re not helping anybody,” AJ said with a sigh, “You walk around with this sour look on your face like someone has forced a lemon in your mouth! Like Howie said, Nick’s really perceptive…”

“AJ,” Kevin began really calmly, “Nick almost talked to me earlier. Talked, AJ. I made a connection with him. I’m not gonna ruin that by yelling at him… My face, well AJ let me tell you, you don’t look too happy either. I want to find the bastard that sold drugs to Nick in the first place and ring his neck! I want to give that psychiatrist a piece of my mind! I want his license snatched off the wall of his office!”

AJ had backed away from Kevin as he advanced on him. He had misread Kevin earlier, and was sorry but he also didn’t want to be pulverized.

“I want to break something AJ, but not because I’m angry with Nick… but because I’m so angry at everyone around him. Including myself…. God, how did I miss this?” Kevin sighed and turned back to the sink. He and AJ were silent for a few minutes then the sink water was running again and Kevin went back to rinsing the bowl, and AJ left the kitchen wondering how Brian was getting along up stairs with Nick.

Brian thought it would be a good idea to knock, but after standing outside for a few minutes with no response from within… Brian opened the door slowly and peeked inside. Nick had definitely been in there. The bed sheets were strewn all over the floor and objects from his over night bag were tossed haphazardously around the room… but there was no Nick. Brian stepped inside the room saying Nick’s name. Nervousness flooded his veins, “Nicky!” What if he’d passed out? What if… “Nick!” Brian heard footsteps. In an instant Howie and BJ were next to him, “What’s going on? Where’s Nick?”

“I don’t know…” Brian looked crestfallen, “He’s not in the room…”

“SHIT!” BJ cursed. She ran out of the room, “Come on, we gotta find him… Shit!”

Howie and Brian were on her heels. “How far could he have gotten?” Brian was muttering to himself, “He couldn’t even walk in a straight line…”

“What’s going on?” AJ suddenly appeared on the stairway, blocking their paths.

“Nick’s missing,” Howie said, “We don’t know if…”

“He can’t have left the house. Me and Kevin have been by the doors, we would have noticed. He’s still here somewhere,” AJ said easily. BJ let out a visible and audible sigh.

“Dammit!” they heard a familiar voice scream in a pitch that only dogs could hear. Kevin ran into the living room looking worried, “What’s going on guys? Where’s Nick and Brian? And why is Nick screaming?”

Brian came into the room just then, with Nick’s lanky body draped over his shoulders kicking and screaming, “He thought he’d take a walk.”

Kevin’s eyes flamed and burned with anger that quickly dissolved, “Where were you going Nickolas?”

“To the bathroom,” Nick mumbled.

“The bathroom was in the opposite direction,” Brian said sounding hostile, “I almost had a heart attack when I realized you were gone out of your room Nick!”

“It’s not my room!” Nick fumed, “I want to go home.”

“Nicky…” Howie began.

“No, we agreed from the very beginning that I didn’t have to be forced into anything I don’t want… I don’t want this. I want to go home!” Nick yelled, “Put me the hell down Brian!”

Kevin, Howie, and AJ could only stare at each other, they had said that, but they hadn’t been planning on Nick pulling out. Brian set Nick down gently, but caught his arm as he wobbled, “I’m gonna go home now.”

“Nick please,” BJ began but Nick cut her off.

“I tried it your way, I didn’t like it…” Nick said, he tried to walk away but after a few steps he stumbled. Brian wanted to run to him, but Kevin’s arm restrained him. If Nick was leaving it would be under his own power, with no help from the others. Nick righted himself, and tried to walk away again. After the first step he faltered and fell to his knees. He curled up and rolled onto his side then, his cries were soft at first but slowly began to crescendo until his whole body was shaking. BJ wanted to hold him, but AJ restrained her. Nick needed to know what it would be like on his own, he needed to realize that he needed them. Leslie entered the living room last, shocked to see the sorry sight of her brother on the floor crying his eyes out and her sister, his sister, and his friends just standing around watching.

“What the hell are you doing?” Leslie yelled trying to get to Nick, but was held back.

“He has to know what it’ll be like without us being there Les,” BJ said softly, “He wants to leave, and when he leaves we won’t be able to help him… like now.”

Nick’s sobs began to decrescendo after 5 minutes and they were replaced by soft hiccups. His breathing was quieter, and his chest rose and fell at an even speed. BJ, Leslie, and Brian were finally permitted to get closer to Nick. After rolling him over Brian deduced that he was asleep. He lifted him gently and told the others he would carry him back to the room.

After that incident everyone decided that Nick was never to be left alone again.

Chapter 23

“Oh come on, it’s chicken noodle,” Brian was trying to coax his friend to eat, “You love this stuff.” He groaned in frustration as Nick kept his face turned away. “Well you used to love it anyway. Nick, come on.” Brian set down the bowl and took Nick by the chin. He turned his head slightly and forced him to look at him. “I will force feed you if it comes down to it buddy, and that’s not gonna be pleasant.”

Nick jerked his chin away from Brian’s hand, he lie back on the propped up pillows and shut his eyes, and his ears to Brian’s idle threats. Brian sighed and gave up, at least for then. He too lie back on Nick’s propped up pillows, “Leighanne called not too long ago. She wants to come and see how you’re doing.” Brian smiled thinking about Leighanne coming. He had a long heart to heart with her earlier. She seemed to really understand what he was going through, and she had apologized to him…. It was then that he felt he was ready to ask the question… the big question. Of course he would have to seek permission from her father first, but after that… He beamed again thinking about one day marrying Leighanne Wallace. He let out a contented sigh, and turned his head slightly to catch Nick’s strange analytic gaze on him.

“You two are in love, huh?” he asked softly.

Brian nodded, “Yes, we are. I… I want to ask for her hand in marriage.” Brian hadn’t confided that information to anyone else but himself, now Nick knew. Nick blinked, no congratulations. Brian frowned. Maybe he was jealous, jealous of Leighanne, or maybe even jealous of him? “Nick?” Brian questioned Nick’s silence. He had turned his face away from him again, “Nick what are thinking?”

Silence, except for a small quivering sound. Brian’s heart almost broke when he realized what the sound was, “Nicky don’t cry.” Brian pulled him into a hug that Nick didn’t struggle out of.

“Why do people get married Brian?” Nick asked softly through tears.

“Because they love each other Nick and want to spend the rest of their lives together,” Brian said simply stroking Nick’s stringy blond hair.

“But loves wears off… you get tired of each other and then you’ll want to find someone new…” The pillow he was hugging to his face and chest muffled Nick’s voice.

“No Nick, not when the relationship is good, and the love is true,” Brian said gently, “Your parents fell out of love with each other, it happens sometimes, but not all the time Nicky.”

“That’s the explanation for why my dad had his tongue down my brother’s vocal coach’s throat! Is that why he had ripped her blouse in two and had her skirt up. Is that why his pants were around his ankles?” His body shook with his rage and his tears. Brian held him tighter.

“No Nick, there is no explanation for that,” Brian said in a tough tone. He felt his heart hardening on the topic of Bob Carter. How could he call himself a man, a father? “Some men aren’t meant to be as lucky as they have become. Your father wasn’t meant to have such wonderful things if he can’t appreciate them.”

“He said… he said he loved me, and he only wanted the best for me… but when… but when…”

Brian rocked him, “But when what Nicky?”

“He wanted me to lie to my mom…” Nick sobbed burying his face further into his pillow, his words were coming in short bursts, “I saw them… I went to pick something up Aaron forgot. Mom asked me to… So I went, and I heard… I heard my Dad’s voice and, and I was curious. I wish I wasn’t! They were on the counter in the lounge…. “

“He… he heard me slam the door, and came out. He had pulled up his pants… but I could still see the lipstick on his face. It was purple. I was running away, but he saw me, and he chased me. He caught me getting into the car. I tried to drive away but he took my keys… He, he asked me what I saw, and I told him. I felt so sick. I almost threw up on him. He told me that it was the first time, and he blamed it on Mom… Said she wasn’t, wasn’t fulfilling his needs anymore. He tried to make me promise not to tell anyone. He held my wrists and looked me in the eyes. I was telling him no and he started shaking me. He was so scared of Mom and the kids finding out. He said that he could trust me; he always knew he could. Then… then she came out. When he turned I ran. I grabbed my keys from him and got into the car and peeled out as fast as I could.” Brian felt his face burning with his anger, and his sadness for not being available for Nick.

“When I got home I… I… My mom was in the yard, gardening. I saw her, and . . . she said hi, and she wanted to know if I had ran into dad at the studio… I…I ran to the bushes and threw up. Mom was so worried, she thought I was sick, and she ordered me to bed. I went to my room and stayed there until someone knocked on my door at dinnertime. I was like go away Aaron I’m not hungry… but it wasn’t Aaron, it was Dad. He let himself in and shut the door… He asked how I was feeling, like nothing had happened earlier. He asked if I was hungry and if I wanted someone to bring up something. I got pissed Bri. I got so pissed; I started screaming at him. The whole family was in my room. Dad started saying I was delirious and needed rest. He even told Mom to call the doctor… I had had it Bri. I turned around and told her, told everyone what I had seen…” Nick raised his tearful face to look at Brian, “She slapped me Brian. My mother slapped me.”

“Nicky she was upset…”

“She didn’t believe me. She left, and my sisters and Aaron left. Dad sneered at me, and never looked at me for real until the court hearing. Everyone avoided me… I needed… I needed. I don’t know, but I…”

“You should have called and told me Nicky, I would have been there to pick you up and bring you home with me…”

“I did freakin’ call you Brian. Leighanne answered, said you were busy,” Nick wiped at his eyes in vain. “No one believed me, and I became an outcast in my own family. Mom didn’t find out about Dad’s indiscretions until he was ready to leave her. That was when he told her what had been going on for months. She almost fainted Brian, and then… then she started screaming and ordered my father out of the house. Dad left, but not before giving me this long look. I hated him. I hate him! And Mom cried. She cried all night, and then, then she screamed at me for knowing all along! But I had told her! Then Dad… Dad wanted custody of the kids, he wanted Leslie, Aaron and Angel…Aaron more than anyone. He took mom to court trying to prove her incompetent. He started talking to me and calling me being friendly again. He had my grandparents calling me and trying to brainwash me against my own mother… And Mom, Mom had shut herself down. In court my testimony would turn out to be the one that swayed the judgment. I… I had the power to break either one of my parents, and I wasn’t too fond of either of them right then. In the end I chose Mom’s side, and since then I have not heard from my father. He’ll call and he’d talk to Angel and Aaron and Leslie, sometimes even BJ, but not me….”

“He’s an asshole Nick,” a low voice said from the doorway. AJ crept to the bed and sat in front of Nick, “He’s an ass that doesn’t deserve a good kid like you. If it were up to me…”

“But it isn’t up to you,” Nick mumbled putting his head back into the pillow. His shoulders shook slightly as he began to weep again, “My own father hates me… My grandparents snubbed me. No one sent me any birthday presents, not even a card. My birthday went uncelebrated by anyone… but me.”

“I’m so sorry Nick,” Brian said softly he still held Nick as he cried, “But it’s ok now. Everything’s gonna be fine kiddo. You’ve got us, and your sisters, and your brother…”

“What if it’s not enough anymore?” Nick asked bleakly. His tears halted, but his breathing was still heavy.

AJ and Brian stared at each other. How could they answer that question? And more importantly, why had he asked? They both looked down to see Nick’s blond head drooping onto the pillow, his breathing calming as sleep took the reigns of his body.

Brian moved back his pillows and spread him out comfortably, flinching when he felt ribs through Nick’s t-shirt. He was so fragile, mentally and physically. Brian felt AJ’s penetrating eyes on him, so he looked up.

“Whatever you did today Brian was good,” AJ said, “We’ll have him back to normal in no time, huh?” AJ’s eyes were desperate for reassurance. Nick‘s words had scared him. Say something Brian, make it ok.

Brian smiled slightly, “Yeah, yeah we will AJ. And who knows, maybe later he’ll eat.”

AJ was nodding, “Yeah, yeah… That’s right.”

Brian put a hand on AJ’s shoulder and he squeezed, “AJ, he’s gonna be ok. He’s got all 4 of us, and some wonderful sisters. He’ll be fine and putting peanut butter in your underwear again before you know it.”

“Yeah, I hope so… HEY!”

Brian laughed at AJ, but in his mind his little voice echoed AJ, Yeah I hope so…

Chapter 24

Cancelled.... The word rang out like a school bell in Aaron Carters mind as he stared at the television ahead of him. MTV news had announced the cancellation of the rest of the Into The Millennium Tour. They were supposed to meet in Canada... was all Aaron could think about.

He hadn’t seen his brother in months, this double scheduling where Aaron was going to perform in Canada at the same time Nick and the guys were performing too was going to be their reunion. Though Aaron had never really spoken this over with Nick... but Nick was just too hard to get a hold of these days. Especially since he moved out! Aaron found himself playing a never-ending battle of phone tag with his older brother... and now his older sisters. BJ and Leslie had disappeared mysteriously close to the night the Backstreet Boys announced they weren’t going to continue on with the tour. Aaron just knew it had something to do with Nick, he could feel it.

Nick had been having problems... and Aaron couldn’t say that he wasn’t worried, or scared. Nick had been a walking mess a few months ago. He had stopped eating, stop seeing people, just stopped...everything. It was as if Nick had went on vacation but forgot to take his body along for the trip. It had all really started after the final day in court...

“...you’re not my son anymore! You have disgraced me and made me look like a fool and a... a bad parent in front of a lot of people! Aaron, Angel, Leslie, and BJ will look at me with different eyes now.... Are you happy with yourself Nickolas... at the man you’ve become? A man who can stab his own father in the back. Have you become so proud so arrogant that you are no longer human? That you can no longer look out for family. Sometimes I think that you were just a big mistake! I married your mother because she was pregnant...and the whole marriage has been a mistake! Nothing good has come from any of it except for your brother and sisters... who know when to look out for family...”

The argument went on for a few minutes longer, the only sounds from Nick were quiet protests that were quickly stifled by more hate-filled words. Aaron wanted to cry for his brother. How could his father say those things? He heard the double doors of the courtroom slam. After a short pause, the noise of soft weeping could be detected. Aaron slowly crept into the courtroom to see Nick seated on the witness stand, much like he had been earlier that evening, with his head in his hands.

“Nick?” Aaron asked, his voice sounding timid and shy, “Are you ok?”

Slowly Nick’s bowed head raised and his tear-stained face gazed back at Aaron. He looked about Aaron’s age when he wore that lost expression on his face. He shook his head negatively and lowered his head back into his hands, his shoulders continued to shudder as he wept. Aaron stared at his brother. Nick had always been the strong one who protected and comforted him. Nick had always been the one to say everything was going to be ok.... and now he couldn’t possibly say it. Aaron felt a tear slide down his face as he realized that his older brother, the one who could do no wrong, was in reality only a child, like him. He couldn’t recall how long he sat in the courtroom, in the judges chair, waiting for his brother’s tears to end. After what seemed like hours, Aaron was roused from his light sleep by Nick’s gentle shaking, “You ready to go home, bro?” His voice was shaky and rather hoarse.

Aaron’s brown eyes fixed themselves to Nick’s blue ones, or tried to. Nick quickly averted his eyes away and let his hand fall from Aaron’s shoulder, “Yeah... Nick,” Aaron said. He stood slowly watching Nick as he made his way down the stairs from the witness stand. He never glanced back to see if Aaron was following him. Aaron frowned and jogged down the stairs to join Nick on the tiled floor, without hesitation he threw his arms around his brother’s shaking frame. He held on tight, squeezing, waiting for Nick’s reassuring pat on the back or tease or comment, but nothing came. It was like hugging a doll, a life-size doll. Aaron pulled away, “Nick?”

“Lets go home Aar,” Nick said in a voice barely above a whisper. He walked on ahead of Aaron leaving Aaron to stare after him.

Aaron remembered that day as clear as he remembered yesterday. He remembered Nick dropping him off in front of the house questioning if he had a house key to let himself into the house. Nick wanted to go off for a drive, alone. No matter how much Aaron protested, Nick remained adamant. He left alone, and returned alone late the next morning, still in his suit covered with sand from the beach. No answers were given for the questions thrown in his direction, he’d simply gone to his room and locked the door. A week later he was gone, again. He was on tour with the guys... his other brothers. Sometimes Aaron was jealous over the amount of time Nick’s other “brothers” got to spend with him. But Aaron relaxed this time, hoping some time on tour away from Mom and Dad would help him some. He recollected the day Nick had returned from tour, much thinner, and a shade paler than he had left. Mom kissed him and told him about how wonderful he looked, when Aaron was thinking to himself how horrible his brother looked. He was so quiet, so different... not Nick. Everyone noticed... well everyone but BJ...

BJ was on the verge of being thrown out of the house. She was always out, and when she did come home it was at obscene hours... one time she came in just as the family was finishing breakfast. She reeked of alcohol and cheap cologne. Mom/BJ yelling matches were constant around the house. Aaron’s mother had been so happy on her way to the airport to pick up Nick. Once Nick came home he would straighten BJ out... or so she thought, and so Aaron had thought too. He really thought Nick could solve the problems they had been having, but Nick had problems of his own. Jane and Aaron had gone alone to the airport since Leslie and Angel were spending time with Dad and BJ was out... again. Nick’s plane was late and they had waited for a hour and a half. Finally Nick’s flight was announced and Jane and Aaron began scanning the masses for Nick... Who they saw they almost didn’t recognize.

“Nick?” Aaron questioned the tall lanky gentlemen in front of him.

Nick’s smile looked painted on, “Hey AC!”

Aaron hugged Nick uncertainly, feeling his arms close around his bones. Aaron pulled back and looked up into his brother’s pale drawn face. Hollow blue shadows appeared under his eyes, “What happened?”

Jane quickly shoved Aaron aside giving Nick a hug and kiss and then appraising him as well, “You look tired dear. I bet you are glad you’re on break. I’m glad too.... we’ve really needed you at home Nick...”

Aaron sighed as his mother steered Nick towards his luggage and further away from Aaron rambling on about his father, about BJ, about the mortgage, and so on... Did his mother really see how tired Nick looked? Or did she see and not care, because she was sure talking to him like she didn’t. Even from behind, Aaron could tell how weary Nick was.

The house was dark when they got home. “Where is everyone?” Nick asked looking around the empty house. His reaction to the redecorating was shock. He actually took a step back, “Mom?”

“What?” she looked at him and followed his gaze around the room. She smiled, “I thought it would be a great idea to redecorate. Get rid of all those nasty memories of your father living here. All the things he forbade me to buy, I have now.”

Nick blinked as he surveyed all the changes. Aaron wondered if he liked any of it. Aaron knew for a fact that he didn’t like it. The room was too artsy, Leslie and Angel had called it tacky. “How did you pay for it?”

Jane turned to face him, her face hurt, “I took a little money out of the account. I didn’t think you’d mind. I mean, I just wanted to...”

“No, I don’t care Mom, it’s just... wow,” Nick shrugged. He lifted his bags again, “My room still in the same place?”

Jane laughed, taking Nick’s comment as a joke. Aaron didn’t take it as one. Nick didn’t look too happy, but then he hadn’t looked happy since he got off the plane. Maybe he dreaded coming home and wanted to live on tour. “Yes Nicky, go on up. Freshen up and be down in an hour though, I’m going to take my boys out to eat.”

Aaron smiled that might be fun, maybe Nick would lighten up when he got some food into his system.

“Mom, I’m tired... and I’m not very hungry,” Nick said, “I think I just wanna turn in for the night.”

Both Jane and Aaron stared at him. Aaron was more stunned with his mother’s reaction than Nick’s words. His mother’s eyes actually opened and she was really paying attention to Nick now. That veil that covered her eyes and made her over look her children after the divorce lifted for a minute, “Are you alright, honey?”

Nick nodded, “I’m fine. I just need some extra sleep.”

Jane frowned and bit her lower lip, “Ok. Get some rest then, see you in the morning.”

How easily his mother could let things go now. Aaron followed Nick up the stairs. The door to Nick’s room closed as Aaron reached the top of the stairs. Should he knock, or let him be? Aaron neared the door and saw the light go out from underneath the cracks. Nick was really going to bed... and something was really wrong he knew it.

He had tried to talk to his mother about it, but he was dismissed.

“Aaron, Nick has been touring for 3 months. He needs his rest.”

“But Mom, did you see him at all?” Aaron tried to argue, “He’s never looked that run down coming from tour. Did you see how much weight he’s lost? That can’t be healthy.”

“Aaron, Nick put on a few extra pounds at home and I think it’s perfectly healthy that he has lost that weight,” Jane said, “Now if you excuse me I have a phone call to make.”

“To Kyle again?” Aaron rolled his eyes. His mother had been on various dates since the divorce. It seemed like she was always on call.

“Yes Aaron, to Kyle,” Jane rolled her eyes, “and I wish you kids would give Kyle a chance. You might actually like him. I bet Nick will give him a chance.”

Aaron rolled her eyes. She always used Nick as some sort of roll model for him. He was perfect in her eyes, so perfect that she couldn’t see his flaws. Because seeing his flaws would make her have to acknowledge that maybe Nick needed help. Maybe he wasn’t so perfect.

“Nick, please let me in,” Aaron pleaded, he knocked on the bathroom door for the 7^th time. To his surprise the door opened and Nick stood in the doorway. Before Aaron could speak Nick breezed by him straight to his room and locked the door.

Aaron stared after him. He felt worry shifting around in the pit of his nervous stomach. “Mom....BJ!” Aaron had smacked into his sister. BJ’s face was flushed with anger, “Mom’s a stupid bitch. She can’t tell me what to do anymore! I’m moving out...”

“BJ no!” Aaron yelled wrapping his arms around her waist. She shrugged him off. She walked past Aaron, past Nicks’ room to her own. Her door slammed shut and locked behind her.

Aaron stood alone in the hallway. What was he going to do? Had everyone in his family gone crazy but him?

“Aaron, you have rehearsal in 20 minutes, why aren’t you getting ready?” Bob Carter shook his son lightly from his reverie.

Aaron shrugged off Bob’s hands and stood away from him, as he had for the whole tour, “The Backstreet Boys aren’t on tour anymore Dad.”

“What?” Bob looked surprised, “Why not?” He actually looked a little concerned.

“Rumor has it, it has something to do with Nick,” Aaron said flatly, “And right now Mom doesn’t know where he is.”

Bob frowned, “Well Nick’s a grown man now, he can take care of himself.”

“Yeah, but it must be serious for them to call off the tour,” Aaron said staring at his Dad intently.

Bob sighed and nodded, “Yeah...” He looked down at his feet, “Aaron...” he wouldn’t make eye contact with his son, “How... How has Nick been? I.. I saw him make a television appearance a few months ago and...”

“He looked like shit,” Aaron said, Bob flinched at Aaron’s harsh choice of words, “Yeah, I’m glad someone besides me finally noticed that!”

Bob sighed, “Maybe I should try to call him...”

“And how long has it been since you’ve called him Dad?” Aaron demanded, “I heard the things you said to him after the divorce. I saw what it did to him. You killed him Dad, and did you even care? Did you even try to call him and smooth over your words. He’s sensitive Dad, you know that! Every nasty word you said to him he took to heart, I know he did!”

Aaron wanted to smile with pleasure at every time he saw his father flinch from his truthful words. It was like pouring salt in an open wound.

“Aaron, I’m sorry...” Bob began.

“Don’t apologize to me! I’m not the one you should be apologizing to! You told Nick he was a mistake, Dad.”

Bob gasped and paled, “Aaron, how much of that conversation did you overhear? Why would you sit and listen to the whole thing. That’s eavesdropping!”

“You made him cry Dad... he cried in front of me. And after that... he changed!” Aaron said glaring at his father, “If something’s wrong with Nick then it’s your fault!”

“My fault...my fault? What about your mother? It takes two people to get a divorce...”

“You cheated on her! You cheated and wanted Nick to lie for you!” Aaron spat, “Well Dad I wouldn’t lie for you either, so am I a mistake too?”

Tears fell from his father’s eyes, “I’m sorry Aaron, and I would love to tell him I’m sorry too... but he hasn’t... he never answers the phone when I call.”

Aaron blinked and stared at his father, “You called him?”

Bob nodded, “I tried to reach him a few times a month ago. Some girl answered the phone the last time... said Nick was busy.”

“Nick’s always busy,” Aaron muttered, “and he’s weird now.”

“Quiet, withdrawn?” Bob asked sounding guilty.

Aaron sighed, “He was... but now he’s not. He was so depressed Mom made him see a psychiatrist. Then after that he changed... he got better.”

“A psychiatrist?”

Aaron narrowed his eyes, “You wouldn’t know anything about it, Dad. You weren’t there, were you?”

“Mom was scared to death, she thought he wanted to kill himself... and maybe he did want to, because he certainly did stop caring. He shut himself off,” Aaron relayed to his stunned father, “Well how the hell did you think he was gonna react Dad? Your own father disowns you... He’s not indestructible! You really hurt him.”

“What else happened Aaron?” Bob said taking Aaron’s arm and trying to pull him closer, but Aaron pulled away, “If you wanna know you’ll have to ask someone else because I’m not telling you anything else. This is all stuff that you could have and should have known! I shouldn’t have been the only one trying to hold things together between the family. Nick and BJ went crazy, Dad. Leslie threw herself into her career, and Angel’s a different person now that I don’t even know anymore. And you did this to us, you. Were we not good enough for you? Were we so horrible, and such a MISTAKE that you felt you could just up and leave, and ruin our lives like it was nothing... in fact we were such nothings to you, you believed that if you left we wouldn’t be affected! I swear... I hate you! I really do. The only reason why you’re here and not Mom is because of that joint custody crap!”

Bob reared back like he had been slapped, “Aaron you don’t mean that...”

“Don’t mean what? That I hate you? Oh Dad, I meant that alright, and I’ll mean it tomorrow and the day after that too! I’ve hated you since the night you told my brother he wasn’t human... when you told him he was worth nothing to you. I hated you when you would call and ask to speak to everyone but him.. And he knew. How could you? How could it be that easy for you? Did you get some kind of sick pleasure out of knowing he was miserable?” Aaron moved further away from his father, “I think you did. I think you liked it.”

“Aaron I...”

“I want off tour Dad, I want off tour today, I want to go home. I need to see Mom, and find out about Nick, and BJ, and Leslie.”

“BJ and Leslie?” Bob looked surprised, “What about them?”

Aaron simply gave Bob a cold look, “Yeah Dad... I bet that’s just what you asked when you climbed in bed with my ex-vocal coach.... What about your family , Bob, she probably asked... and your response Dad... Well your response was ‘What about them?’”

With those final words echoing through the room Aaron left the room leaving his father alone in the room with his guilty conscious spewing horrible thoughts and feelings into his mind, and Aaron hoped each one of them cut like the knife he had used to stab his family in the back with.

Chapter 25

“How does it look?” Howie questioned Dr. Karebyn who was exiting the room Nick was in holding his black doctor bag.

“It could be worse,” Dr. Karebyn said briefly, “but basically gentlemen if you can’t get him to eat and soon, I’m afraid he’ll have to be hospitalized again.”

They all groaned, “But at a hospital he can check himself out,” Brian argued.

“In this house he can still...” Dr. Karebyn paused as he stared at the adamant faces of the four men surrounding him, “Ok, I get your point... but in this house he is slowly starving himself to death.”

They swallowed hard at those words, “What can we do about it? He refuses to eat and we can’t ram it down his throat...” Kevin was saying in frustration pulling at his hair, “I swear this kid’s gonna give me grays.”

AJ giggled, “I think I am starting to see some premature graying Kev...”

“Oh shut up, at least I’m not gonna be bald when I hit 30...” Kevin was muttering with a small smile.

“Well I still got 8 years on that old man,” AJ grinned devilishly. Kevin put him in a headlock and gave him a noogie. This made Brian and Howie laugh. Dr. Karebyn watched the scene with a smile, he laughed lightly and immediately the Boys’ full attention was back on him.

“We’re sorry,” Howie was apologizing.

“No, no, don’t be sorry. I was only going to say that with friends like you boys, and this wonderful environment, Nickolas should be fine. You just need to get him to eat, or drink a glass of milk, something,” Dr. K blinked and looked thoughtful, “You could buy him some nutrient supplement drinks, the kind he can take through a straw.”

Kevin was nodding, “I’ve seen millions of those on the shelves of drug stores and grocery stores. Anyone in particular I should get?”

“Hmmm, I would go with Ensure, but anything of that nature would be good for him, even the generic store brands.”

“Thank you,” Kevin said, “for everything you’ve done so far.”

“Don’t thank me yet. We still have a patient in there that has yet to show any improvement... well except for the fact that he is now completely devoid of any mind altering substances. The real problem here is psychological...and I personally do not think he is going to get any better until he releases some of the demons in his head. Has he talked to...”

“He talked to me,” Brian butted in, “It was a real cathartic experience. He cried himself to sleep.”

Dr. K nodded, “Good. I’m no psychiatrist, but I know that talking and crying are good. Just keep it up and you should definitely start to see a change in his demeanor.”

The Boys walked the doctor to the door. “Thank you again Dr. K,” Howie said thanking his old family friend, “I don’t know what we would have done without you.”

“You’re welcome Howie, and if you need anything else, don’t be afraid to call me,” Dr. Karebyn smiled and gave Howie a brief hug. Then he left for his car. Howie closed the door after him.

“I’m going to the store,” Kevin said after a few seconds, “I’ll be back in a little while.” He left the front room to get his car keys.

BJ entered the room with a stretching yawn, “Hey.... Was that the doctor I just heard leaving?”

Brian nodded, “Yeah. You have a good nap Beej?”

BJ nodded and rubbed her eyes with her fists. She had been up all night with Nick on a night watch, “What’d he say? Anything good?”

Brian gave her a tight smile,” He needs to eat.”

BJ frowned, “I know that... Is that all he said?”

Brian nodded, “Yeah, and that he’s drug-free.”

“Hmmn,” BJ bit her lip, “Well then what’d he say we could do about the fact that Nick won’t eat anything?”

“He said we should buy him nutrient crap he can drink,” Brian said with a sigh, “something. Hell, he said a little milk will do.”

BJ groaned, “God how are we going to do this? He won’t open his mouth for anything unless it’s to tell us to go away. “ She carried the same look on her face Kevin had earlier, “I swear I’m gonna be irregular this month!”

Brian almost choked, he hadn’t been expecting that one.... The gray hair comment, that’s what he was expecting. BJ grinned manically at him and pranced by, going into the kitchen.

Girls!

“No Mom,” Leslie was saying into the phone. She was talking to her mother on her sister’s cell phone. BJ would kill her if she knew. She was in Nick’s room in the closet. She kept the door open a crack so she could keep an eye on Nick who was sleeping fitfully on the bed. Every now and again he would make a small whimpering noise and utter words, talking to invisible people. Leslie trembled as some of the things he said registered as something she had heard before.

“Nick what is this all about?” Jane had taken Nick by his hands and sat him down at the kitchen table. Five minutes earlier she had been on the phone with Nick’s friend Brent. Leslie had smiled when she answered the phone and had discovered who it was. It had been a long time since she had heard Brent’s voice on the phone. He had requested to speak to her mother and Leslie had reluctantly yielded the phone to Jane.

Pleasant exchanges were made as Leslie wondered around the kitchen searching the pantry for something to nibble on. She had discovered a box of snack cakes. She removed the box and was pulling out a single plastic wrapped cake when she heard her mother hang up the phone and call Nick downstairs. Nick was home again from tour. He spent most of his time in his room sleeping during the day. Leslie was aware that it disturbed her mother that Nick slept so much during the day and sometimes wouldn’t find it in himself to fall asleep at night.

Nick was slow to appear. He had probably been asleep. Aaron appeared beside him almost confirming Leslie’s assumption that he had been asleep. Aaron had probably woken him up. Leslie frowned at Aaron. He was so saturnine lately, especially when Nick was around. Leslie guessed it was because Nick was ignoring him, but he shouldn’t take it to heart, Nick was ignoring everyone. He was lukewarm and polite only when needed to be, otherwise he was totally antisocial.

Jane stared at him with an odd expression in her eyes. Her voice when she had called him down had been odd too. She beckoned him closer. Nick stood in the doorway of the kitchen looking pale and tired. His slow movements toward Jane looked like they required every little bit of energy he had.

BJ came into the kitchen then. She looked every bit as pale and tired as Nick did, but they all knew why. She ventured to the fridge oblivious to the tense scene evolving in the kitchen.

“Brent just called,” Jane said to Nick still staring at him in that odd way, her voice so strange.

“Did he want to talk to me?” Nick asked looking confused.

Jane shook her head, “No, he wanted to talk to me.”

Nick blinked, “So....?”

“Nick... Honey,” Jane paused shortly, “are you ok?”

Nick blinked and looked at her curiously, “I’m ok.”

Jane bit her lip and drank in his appearance, which Leslie has to say, was looking a little sallow, “Were you sleeping?”

Nick nodded.

“Did you stay up again all night?” Jane questioned. Nick looked surprised, his expression clearly read, “How did she know?”

“Nick... when’s the last time you’ve eaten anything? Did you eat today at all?”

Every eye in the kitchen was on Nick now, and Nick fidgeted uncomfortably. “Nick?” Jane pressed.

“No,” Nick shook his head, “I’ve been asleep, I’m not hungry.”

“You sleep too much Nick,” Aaron said quietly coming to Nick’s side.

Nick’s eyes glanced down at Aaron, “I’ve been really tired. I just got off tour, God! What is this?” he backed away from Jane and Aaron.

That’s when Jane took his hands, “Nick, Brent says you’re not eating. What is this all about? Is he right? Nick, I want to believe him. I haven’t seen you eat a thing since you got here, when usually I can’t keep you out of the kitchen.”

Nick pulled away from her, “It’s my business what I do with myself. I told Brent to get his own, because I didn’t need him in mine.”

The kitchen was silent after Nick’s bitter confession.

“When’s the last time you’ve had anything to eat?” Jane asked him grabbing his arm as he tried to storm out of the kitchen.

Nick whirled on her his eyes blazing with fury. It was the most life Leslie had seen come into his eyes for a long time, “I don’t know mother, ok? I don’t know! I’m fine. Nothing bad has happened, and I lost weight.”

“Nick, you’re hurting yourself. When you don’t eat your body starts feeding off itself,” Jane was explaining to him, “Who cares if you lost weight?”

“I do!” Nick snapped, and muttered something else to, and tried to leave the kitchen again.

“Uh-uh, you’re not going anywhere young man. You sit down there, and I’m going to make you something to eat. And you are going to eat every single last bite of it, too,” Jane was furious. “How could you be so stupid? You’re supposed to be an adult now... you’re always insisting that you are, and telling me how much you don’t need me in your life, but then you do something like this!“

Nick was leaving again, but Aaron caught his arm, “Nick, please.” He tried to shake him off, but Aaron held on, “Please...”

“Aaron let GO!” Nick was yelling, but then another arm grabbed him on the other side. Where had Angel came from? Leslie wondered. She stared at her younger sister, whose face was disguised with make-up. Angel had turned out to be quite superficial over the past few months.... AD. After the divorce... that’s what they had taken to calling it. Leslie realized that most of the major changes and problems in the family had taken place AD.

“Oh just sit down Nick and shut up, they’re not going to let you go!” BJ snapped in an ill-tempered manner. She pulled out a chair at the kitchen table and sat down in the one across from it, “SIT!”

Nick shot a wild glance around the kitchen at everyone’s purposeful face. He groaned loudly and plopped down in the chair BJ had pulled out. The clinking of pots and pans could be heard. Leslie came to sit in the chair next to BJ; she stared at Nick who had leaned his head in his hands. Aaron and Angel stood together. It was a weird sight to Leslie’s eyes to see the twins together again. They had grown apart, AD. Leslie watched her mother set down a bowl of steaming soup in front of her older brother. She handed him a spoon and stood next to him waiting for him to eat it. Nick rolled his eyes and took the spoon. The whole family (minus Dad) sat and watched as Nick leisurely finished the contents of the bowl. He pushed the dish aside and pushed away from the table, “Can I go now?”

Jane gapped at him, “Nick...? Ah, well yes.” Her face was slightly flushed with embarrassment. Nick left the kitchen with Aaron and Angel trailing behind him. Jane collapsed in the chair Nick had been sitting in, “Oh my God...” she rested her head in her arms on the table and her shoulders shook as she cried.

“Mom?” Leslie asked in alarm, she tentatively touched her mother’s arm.

“It’s all wrong,” Jane said, “this family has fallen apart...” She sat up and gripped Leslie’s hand suddenly, “I’m sorry.”

“For what Mom?” BJ stood up on her side of the table, “For being a good wife to a backstabbing son-of-a-bi...”

“BJ!” Jane yelled in warning.

“Well it’s true!” BJ slammed the chair into the table and left the kitchen.

“BJ’s gone wild... Angel’s transformed into a selfless Barbie Doll, Aaron’s gonna have an ulcer before he’s 16, and Nick’s...” she shook her head.

“He’s what Mom?”

“Have you seen inside his eyes Leslie?” Jane asked her daughter. When Leslie shook her head Jane said, “They’re empty. No soul in there... It’s like he’s not Nick anymore, and he no longer gives a damn about himself. I’m afraid he’s gonna...”

“Gonna what Mom?” Leslie inquired.

“I’m afraid he’s going to kill himself, when no one is around to stop him...”

“Leslie, are you still there?” Jane Carter’s voice spoke sounding a little fuzzy on BJ’s cell phone waves.

“Yes, Mom, I’m still here,” Leslie spoke finally, keeping her gaze on Nick, who slept on his side with his back to her now.

“Where are you?”

Leslie blinked and took a gulp, BJ’s wrong, she told herself. BJ is wrong, Mom needs to know, “We’re in Florida. We’re staying at Kevin’s house, and yes Nick is with us.”

Chapter 26

“Jane?”

Jane Carter flinched as the voice of her ex-husband, her betrayer invaded the airwaves. She held the phone slightly away from her ear as if it smelled bad, “Bob,” she replied flatly.

“How are...”

“Don’t start with small talk Robert, what do you want?” Jane’s voice was strained, her mind over a thousand miles away, in Florida.

She heard him sigh, “Fine. Why is Nick off tour, and where are Leslie and BJ?”

Jane sighed and massaged her temples, “They’re in Florida Bob. All three of them.”

“Why? And why is Nick off tour?”

“Bob you sure do ask a lot of questions, why do you care so much all of a sudden? A guilt trip? Do you finally feel guilty for deserting your family? For making your oldest son feel like he’s inadequate?” Jane spat her words angrily through the phone, “Well it’s too late for that Robert! The damage has been done! Our kids are already ruined!”

“IT’S MY FAULT!” she heard Bob begin to rage, “How is my fault that the judge decided to give you custody of MY kids! You’re the one who was around them to corrupt them...”

“Around them? Around is the word Bob! How often do the kids see you? Only when you’re not off screwing that bitch, and when’s that Bob... About 2 hours of your week?”

“Jane, that’s unfair!”

“Yeah, to MY children!” Jane yelled, “So you haven’t answered my question Bob... Why do you all of a sudden care so much?”

Bob was silent on his end, “They’re my kids too Jane... even though, even though I haven’t been much of a father I’m trying to make up for that. Jane, Aaron says he hates me!”

Jane narrowed her eyes, “Well if you would hang around your kids more often you would learn that they all share mutual feelings.”

She could feel Bob’s wince through the phone, she heard him clear his throat, “Are...Is.... Aaron says if anything’s wrong with Nick he blames me... Jane, is he ok?”

“Is who ok?” Jane asked sounding weary.

“Nick,” Bob said sounding defeated, “I treated him badly, and I’m sorry.”

“You’re telling that to the wrong person Bob,” Jane said softly, she hung him up, and leaned back on the sofa. She relaxed her eyes and uncramped her telephone fingers for a few seconds, then she opened her eyes. She stood up with a slight groan and grabbed her car keys. She walked to the backdoor and opened it, then lifted her cream colored suitcase in one hand and exited, locking the door behind her.

“It tastes like paste,” Nick complained after taking a timid sip out of a straw from the nutrient shake BJ was offering to him.

“It’s good for you,” BJ said setting down the small can, “But if you don’t want this I can run down and get you some soup...”

She saw Nick’s expression cloud over at the mention of soup, “You want another sip?” she raised the can to his lips again and he turned his head. With a loud sigh he said, “I’ll take the soup.”

“You’ll what?” BJ turned to stare at Nick wide eyed, “Did you just...?”

“Yes,” Nick muttered barely suppressing a smile.

“Are you smiling?” BJ pressed she poked him lightly in the side, she grinned at him and crawled on the bed beside him. He was smiling, an expression BJ hadn’t genuinely seen on his face for a long time. Sure she had seen his drug induced grins, but none of those could compare with the “real” ones. “Is there an occasion for this rare event?”

This made Nick laugh slightly, “No.”

“Hold on, I’ll go tell someone to bring you that soup,” BJ said, she slid off the bed and opened the door to the room. Howie was sitting in a chair by the door... there was always someone sitting by the door playing sentinel. Howie’s brown eyes looked up to BJ, “What? What’s wrong now?”

To his surprise BJ was all smiles, “Nothing at all... Howie, can you run downstairs and get Nick some soup. He wants some.”

Howie nearly fell out of his chair, “What? He what?” He sprang up, “Ok, I’ll be back in a minute.” Howie bolted for the stairs, and BJ giggled. She turned to look back at Nick who was now laying on his back.

“What brought about this wonderful change of heart?” BJ asked coming back to the bed. Nick shrugged, “It was either soup or paste... what do you think?”

“I think you be bullshittin’ big bro,” BJ sat down and tapped his kneecap, “What happened?”

Nick sighed and sat up slightly to gaze at his sister, “You.”

“Me?” BJ blinked feeling a bit confused, “What about me?”

“It’s not just you, it’s Leslie, and Brian, and Kevin, and AJ, and Howie...” Nick was shaking his head, “You guys have been right here with me for how long? A long time... You won’t give up until I... well until I do, and start doing what you say I should. You’re relentless and, and I... I feel it would only be polite of me to...”

“You be bullshittin’ again Nicky,” BJ prodded him playfully, making Nick give another smile, “Ok, ok... I know what you’re trying to do... and well, you guys would only press this hard if, if you really cared. And until now I really didn’t care about anything or anyone anymore cause everyone always seemed like they were out to hurt me in some way. I don’t care how nice and loving the exterior of a person is... they could still betray me, and disown me. I didn’t want to be hurt anymore, but now I see that you won’t hurt me. At least not intentionally...”

BJ felt a tear sliding down her cheek, “I will never hurt you... no one in this house will ever intentionally hurt you.” She held out her arms to him, they began to shake as he stared at her with a strange cloudy expression over his face. She was about to lower her arms when she suddenly felt Nick’s slight weight throwing itself into her arms. He held on for dear life and clung to her like a small child. She felt dampness on her shoulder and rubbed his back as he cried softly, “I’m sorry...” he kept saying to her, “I let you down so bad BJ...”

“No,” BJ was whispering into his ears, “You didn’t let me down Nick. You haven’t let anyone down. Don’t tell yourself that you have.”

There was a soft knocking at the door. Kevin, Brian, AJ, and Howie entered, Kevin holding a large bowl of soup, Brian holding a spoon, AJ holding salt, and Howie holding pepper. BJ almost laughed at them, their eyes were huge as if they were expecting to see some miracle in the works.

“Awww...” Brian set the spoon down on the night stand and crawled onto the bed. He ran his fingers through Nick’s stringy hair, “What’s going on, kid? We brought you something to eat.”

BJ felt the warmth leaving her shoulders and the cold air rushing to greet them as Nick pulled away from her. He sat back on his pillows and turned to look at his friends and the full steaming bowl of soup Kevin was holding. He took a deep breath, “Thanks...”

Howie was assembling the TV tray and gently putting it over Nick’s legs. AJ began setting the table. Nick watched on incredulously as Brian spread a napkin in his lap. By the time Kevin was setting down the soup and adding salt and pepper to it he was chuckling lightly. The guys stepped back looking stunned. Could Nick be laughing? Nick looked at each one of them in turn with an amused smile toying on his lips, “I haven’t received this good of service since, well no, I have never received such service.”

They all laughed, “Well get used to it bro, this is the service you’ll get until you’re all better... Then you’ll have to get your own soup, make your own table, and add your own salt,” Brian said. They sat in silence watching each other.

“Soup’s gonna get cold,” Kevin said softly after a what seemed like an eternity of silence.

“Oh,” Nick said. He stared down into the bowl of soup which, if he wasn’t mistaken, was staring back up at him. He saw his reflection in the rich broth. It looked as tense as he felt. Could he do this? He reached his hand out for the spoon. He had some trouble lifting it and instantly he felt hands cover his own and help him to lift the heavy spoon and guide it over the bowl. He looked up to meet Kevin’s green eyes and sighed deeply, here goes. He lowered the spoon into the bowl and spooned up some broth. Carefully and slowly he brought the spoon to his mouth, with Kevin’s help of course and took a sip. He wanted to spit it out. Every cell in his body screamed, every tastebud squealed out in displeasure. No! No! He swallowed. The hot liquid traveled down his throat warming his cold body. He took another small sip from the spoon, then another until the spoonful was gone.

AJ wanted to ram the spoon in his mouth, to grab the spoon and quickly start feeding him more. Nick ate so damn slowly, and every few minutes he would have to set the spoon down and rest. Howie began to make small talk to draw attention away from Nick, not wanting him to feel self-conscious. AJ tried to keep up with the pointless conversation while counting how many spoonfuls of soup Nick was ingesting. He was up to 6. BJ squeezed his arm and offered some encouragement. Nick was shaking his head telling her that he couldn’t eat anymore. AJ cursed to himself and turned away from Howie and Brian’s conversation and crawled beside Nick who was shaking and trying to shrink away from the food. “Come on Nick, a little more,” AJ said rubbing the thick baggy sleeves of Nick’s sweatshirt. The sweatshirt was winter clothing and much too hot for being inside a house, especially one in Florida, but still Nick shivered, “it’ll warm you up.”

Tears had begun to sneak down Nick’s face as his stress over the situation showed. “I can’t.”

“Yes you can,” Kevin said soothingly, “Lets just pick up the spoon and start over like we...”

“What the hell’s that?”

There was the sound of a bickering female voice from downstairs. Leslie’s voice could be heard trying to calm the domineering woman’s voice. AJ, Howie, Kevin, and Brian all stared at each other wondering who that could be downstairs, but one glimpse at the two pale frozen Carters in the room with them told them who it might be.

“What the hell is Mom doing here?” BJ asked.

Mom? Jane Carter? AJ could feel his eyes rolling up towards the heavens. Why did it have to be her?

Jane Carter would surely ruin everything!

Chapter 27

“Where are THEY Leslie? WHERE are they?” Jane was looking through every room on the first floor, then rapidly heading towards the stairs. Leslie tried to grab her arms but Jane slapped her hands away. She knew she was getting closer. She heard loud footsteps and looked up to see 4 dark shapes glaring down at her. Kevin, Howie, AJ, and Brian. They stood like a chain-link fence, blocking the stairway. Kevin was in the center with his arms folded over his chest, “I don’t recall inviting you into my home Jane,” he spoke coldly.

“I don’t recall giving my children permission to be in your house Kevin... ANY of them. Where are Nick and BJ?”

“What makes you think that we know?” AJ challenged her.

Jane rolled her eyes, “Enough of these games. I could have you all charged with kidnapping. Leslie is barely 14 years old... Move aside, if you won’t tell me where they are then I’ll find them myself.”

They stood strong, blocking the stairway, “You’ve hurt them enough Jane, can’t you leave them be for a few more days?”

“Hurt them?” Jane choked out incredulously, “How can I hurt my own children? Let me through.”

Kevin and Howie moved closer together to block her escape.

“I’m warning you I will call the police,” Jane growled.

“And what will that look like in the media Jane, isn’t that what you care about the most?” Brian sneered.

Jane paled, then slapped him. Brian held his head high, his expression remaining the same. “You horrible people. I cannot believe I ever allowed my son to travel with you. All the problems he has... I bet he gets them from you! You...”

“SHUT THE HELL UP MOTHER!”

Five heads turned to face Nick who stood in the doorways of Nick’s designated room. Nick clutched the doorframe weakly and soon BJ appeared beside him taking his arm and coaxing him back inside the room.

“What did you say to me?”

“ I said shut up.... You don’t give a DAMN about me. If you did... if you did you would have helped me a long time ago when I was practically screaming for it! You never saw me Mother...”

Jane felt her demeanor wilting, “I saw you Nicky. I saw you and I did help you. I got you a counselor...”

“WHO DID SHIT FOR ME!” Nick yelled hitting the wall, “All he did was give me an easy out instead of dealing with my problems. Did you know that mother, or was it ok with you because ramming all those drugs down my throat shut me up?!”

Jane stared blankly at him, “Get your things. Bobbie Jean you get your things too. Leslie!” Jane turned to see if she could search out the form of her youngest daughter, “We’re going home.”

“No,” BJ said softly but firmly, “I’m staying here, and so is Nick.”

Jane whipped her head back towards them, “I said get your things. She tried to push her way through the chain-link fence of bodies but was held back, “Nickolas, tell them to step away.”

Nick stood silent in the doorway, his body visibly trembling. BJ wrapped her arms around him trying to transfer some of her body heat into him.

“Nicky?” Jane’s voice trembled, she stared at her two oldest children who stared back at her. A single tear ran down her face before she cleared her throat and literally shook herself, “Leslie, we’re leaving.” She turned and began to travel down the stairs, she turned back once to look all 4 boys over, “You haven’t won yet.”

Then she continued on down the stairs still yelling for Leslie to gather her things.

“What are you doing?” Aaron asked his father as he barged into Aaron’s hotel room and began tossing Aaron’s things into a bag.

“We’re going to Florida,” Bob said simply.

“Why?” Aaron said never making eye contact with his father, he instead stared at the television set ahead of him.

“Your mother went to Florida... left right after I called her. I think that’s where Nick and the girls are.”

Aaron perked up immediately, “Are we leaving soon?”

“As soon as we get to the airport,” Bob said tossing aside one bag and hurriedly filling another. Aaron sat staring at him, “Dad?”

“Yes?”

“Why do care so much all of a sudden? Is there something really wrong?”

Bob threw a glance back at Aaron, “Yeah, there’s something really wrong, and it’s me. I have to make things right... and I wanna do it now, before Jane has a chance to poison his mind against me...”

“His mind really doesn’t need much help from her,” Aaron muttered helping his father pack his bags.

Bob glared at him sharply, “Meet me in 10 minutes outside, a taxi should be waiting for us.”

Aaron smiled sweetly at him, not bothering to disguise the sarcasm in it. As soon as Bob had left the room he dove for the phone. He dialed BJ’s cell phone number that he knew by heart and listened to it ring, BJ please pick up. I have to warn you about company coming.

“Some one give me a hand here,” BJ was grunting under Nick’s weight.. It may not have been much but she was still staggering under it. Brian and Kevin were there in an instant, Kevin picking Nick up, and Brian hurrying to the bed to move away the TV table and soup. Kevin set Nick down on the bed where Nick curled up in a small ball and whimpered like a wounded puppy.

“Oh Nick,” BJ lie down beside him and began to run her hands through his hair. She grabbed the blankets which were tangled at the foot of the bed and struggled to pull them over Nick.

Brian took the task from her and spread the blanket over the both of them, “Why don’t you both get some sleep?” he suggested, “You need it. You haven’t had a good night’s sleep in a while BJ.”

BJ nodded slightly. She moved closer to Nick... She remembered back when they were little... Back when she had been afraid of the boogie man. She remembered slipping from her room into her big brothers. She remembered climbing into his bed. He’d be reading a comic book by flashlight with devilish pleasure... Mom or Dad had undoubtably told him to go to sleep hours ago, but he just had to finish his comic. He would open his blankets and BJ would climb in. She always felt safe with him.... He would always protect her. But tonight, tonight she would be protecting him. She smoothed his hair away from his lurid face and murmured something comforting in his ear. She could feel his trembles lessen at her words and she smiled. Then she closed her eyes and fell asleep....

Leslie jumped as BJ’s cell phone rang, she snatched it open and pressed the “send” button. She had no belongings with her and simply sat on the couch waiting for her mother’s angry facade to end. “Hello?”

“Hello? BJ?”

“No...”

“Leslie?”

“Aaron?”

“It’s dad. Dad knows where you are and he’s coming. Now. I gotta go,” the line disconnected.

“Aaron? Aaron hello?” Leslie was saying into the phone. She felt her mother’s nails on her hand. Jane took the phone, “Aaron?” She closed the phone at hearing the dead air, “What did he say?”

Leslie was quiet as Aaron’s words sunk in... Great more fuel to the fire...

“Leslie?!”

“Dad’s on his way...”

“Dammit”

Chapter 28

“What do we do now?” AJ was pacing around the living room, “ Jane’s gonna pull something I know it!”

Brian slapped the table hard with the palm of his hand, “We were so close! We had him! Now Jane’s gone and destroyed everything! Did you see his face?”

Howie entered the room shaking his head.

“What’s going on in there Howie?” Brian asked.

“He’s throwing up,” Howie said in a small voice. He threw himself down on the couch beside Brian, “Six tablespoons of soup...he couldn’t hold down 6 tablespoons of soup.”

“Damn... I know it has to do with Jane being here!” Brian was grumbling, “I’ll take him some tea.” He stood and disappeared into the kitchen.

Howie sat down in Brian’s place and watched AJ pace, “AJ, you’re going to wear a hole in the carpet.”

“Damn it Howie! I don’t care!” AJ growled. He threw a magazine across the room, “That stupid woman! Didn’t she see him? Couldn’t she see what see was doing to him? He was shaking all over he was so angry with her.”

Howie was nodding, “I don’t understand it either AJ. I used to think she was the perfect mother.”

AJ rolled his eyes, “We used to think the whole damn family was perfect. I guess this is what happens when you put something under a microscope.”

“Is that what you call this?” Howie questioned him.

AJ nodded, “You know how you can take the simplest thing, like a cookie crumb or something, yet when you put it under a microscope it turns out to be a complex design.”

Howie nodded, “Yeah, I know what you mean.” He stood, “I can’t just sit down here. I’m gonna go back up, you coming with me AJ?”

AJ nodded, then cocked his head at the sound of a tea kettle whistling,“Lets go see if we can help Brian first...”

Howie and AJ wandered into the kitchen to see Brian slumped on the floor by the stove in the kitchen. The tea kettle spewed steam on the stove top, but Brian paid it no mind as he struck his head lightly on the oven door.

“Brian?” Howie was the first one to him, “What’s going on? What happened? Are you hurt?”

Brian shook his head but remained sitting, he swallowed harshly, “I don’t know... how much more of this I can take, guys.”

“So what, you wanna just give up? You wanna leave him Brian?” AJ was on the attack.

“I didn’t say...”

“You can’t take much more. That’s what you said Brian. You can’t take much more, or you won’t take much more, either way, it sure sounds like giving up to me. You’re supposed to be his best friend!”

“Well so are you!” Brian countered, tears ran down his pale face, “He’s not getting better, he’s not! We got to him but it was ruined, smashed, by his own mother! If his own mother could... He’s never gonna trust us! He’s never gonna let us in! For every window we open we get two more doors slammed in our faces! Those two doors are labeled Jane and Bob Carter! If a kid can’t rely on the people who brought him into this world... why should he feel he can rely on us?”

AJ blinked, “Because we’ll make him feel like he can. We’re his family. He’s always leaned on us before....”

“But things were different. We’ve proved ourselves to be rather unreliable too.... we’re trying to make up for it. But Aje, it’s too late. He’s gone. We’re gonna lose him, I know it.”

“If you keep spouting shit like that then we will B-r-ok, don’t you understand, he needs us to be strong for him. If we’re strong maybe he’ll be able to tap into our strength and get a refill on his own! We can do this Brian. Nobody said it was going to be easy, and they weren’t kidding. This is damn hard, but it’s also damn worth it. YOU are not giving up on him. I am not giving up on him. None of us are gonna just let go of him, until its over,” AJ was gripping Brian’s shirt collar, “B-rok, you gotta stick with it man. Now stand up, get the mug, and pour that tea.”

Brian blinked and stared at AJ with tears in his crystal blue eyes. He hiccuped softly and nodded. He stood with Howie’s help and went to the cupboard to get a mug like AJ had instructed.

“Why Alexander James, I never knew you had it in you,” Howie smirked elbowing AJ in the side, as he watched Brian pouring the tea and putting sweetener in it. He sampled a bit of it before adding more sugar.

AJ chewed his lip, “I did, I just never wanted to have to use it.” Brian now stood in front of them trembling slightly holding the steaming mug, “Bri, I ‘m sorry for being so harsh, please stop trembling.”

“I can’t help it Jay, I’m so scared,” Brian handed the mug to Howie so he could cover his face, “ I’m so afraid he’s going to let himself wither away and die.”

“Not if we have anything to say about it,” Howie said rubbing Brian’s shoulder, “and Brian, you better believe we have a lot to say about it.”

That actually got a smile out of Brian and a weak chuckle, “Yeah I believe it Howie D, especially with all the talking you like to do.”

“Shut up Bri,” Howie smiled and smacked Brian playfully, “Lets get up there, and let Nicky know that we’re still here.”

Chapter 29

“Who did you just get off the phone with?” Bob asked reclaiming the seat beside his youngest son. Aaron tossed the phone into his father’s lap and sighed, “No one.

Bob rolled his eyes and opened his cell-phone. He looked at his “Sent” calls, “Who’s number is this? Is it BJ’s? It looks like her number.”

Aaron turned his head to look out the window.

Bob sighed loudly and put his phone away, “Can we stop this Aaron? This attitude is not getting us anywhere. I said I was ready to try again, I want to start over, but how can I if you won’t even give me a chance? Now I’m trying to make things right with Nick, BJ, Leslie and your Mom...”

“Yes, yes, I’ve heard it all before Dad. I know what you’re trying to do, I know what you want, blah blah...” Aaron muttered rolling his eyes, “Good luck.”

“Aaron...”

“Dad, you misread the little sign on my forehead, it does not read ‘stupid’ it reads ‘Not for Damn Sale!’” Aaron retorted, he reached under his seat to find his bag. He knew he had packed his Game Boy somewhere in there.

“Aaron, watch your language!” Bob snapped at the boy his face turning slightly red, “I don’t know what to do, or what to say to you...”

“Well guess what Dad, if you don’t even know what to say to me, then how in the world are you planning on talking to Leslie, or BJ... And goodness Dad, how can you even imagine that you are ready to talk to Nick?” Aaron stared at his father intently, “I mean, I think I hate you more than he does but he’s a tough audience.”

Bob was nodding his head, “I know all this. You think I don’t know this! No I don’t know what I’m gonna say, and if he acts anything like you I’m gonna cry... How did I turn out to be such a bad father?” Bob was saying leaning his head in his hands.

“When you and Ms. Carlisle decided it would be a good idea to...”

“Damn it Aaron! Shut up!” Bob slammed his hand down on his airplane table causing more than a few heads to turn and look their way. Aaron smiled at the attention they were receiving. One yell from him and security would be on their way to extract his dear father. “Why are you smiling? You like seeing me like this, huh? My life is falling apart.... my life being you kids, you’re falling apart, I’m falling apart.”

Aaron’s eyes narrowed, “Oh poor, poor Bob. I’m sorry that my little life has inconvenienced you.”

“Aaron please.... Now was that BJ you were just talking to? Was your mother there? Do they know where Nick is?”

Aaron kept his gaze leveled with his newly found Game Boy, he decided to skip codes and just play a new game. He wished he had brought his headphones, they would have been perfect for drowning out unwanted noises. His eyes cut briefly in the direction of his father.

“Aaron, when we get off this plane we have no idea where to go. If you know something it would be very helpful to me...”

“Dad, why in the world would you get on a plane to go to a different state and then not know where you’re going? You’ve completely lost it now.”

“Aaron Charles...” Bob began, but dropped it. It was a lost cause. He instead pulled his cell phone back out and pressed redial. He listened as the phone rang and rang... come on, come, who ever was on the other end needed to answer the phone. He knew someone was there, because whoever it was had picked up for Aaron earlier. The phone continued to ring, and then the voice mail service picked up. “Hello, this is Bobbie, leave a message and I’ll get back to you.” Bob smiled grimly, so he had been right about the phone’s owner. He decided not to leave a message, but to call back, and he would keep calling back until he got an answer.

“Ok, here now sit up,” Howie was placing a gentle hand behind Nick’s back and gave him a slight push to sit up. Nick accepted the tea with shaking hands. BJ helped him hold the cup and blew the steam away.

“She’ll never be allowed back in here Nicky,” Brian said lightly sitting on the other side of Nick that wasn’t occupied by BJ. Howie sat behind him on the pillows rubbing his back.

Nick’s blue eyes were so sad Brian thought his heart would break just by looking into them, “But Nicky, you could see that she cares about you. She’s worried, she just thinks she can take control of every situation. And this one is one that she can’t...”

“Cause she helped to cause it,” BJ said bitterly.

“Woah,” Brian was the first to grab the mug and tilt it away from Nick’s face as he sputtered on it. Howie patted his back, “Are you ok?”

Nick shook his head and waved away the tea. He lie back on the bed tears fell from his eyes.

“What’s wrong Nick?” AJ stood by the window, he watched Nick’s tears sadly, if only there was something he could do.

Nick shook his head and bit his lip on a sob.

“Nick please tell us what you’re thinking about,” Kevin said softly, he was sitting in a chair by the wall. He stood and walked to the bed, taking a seat on it like everyone else had.

“Nickel?” BJ asked brushing hair from his eyes, “Please tell us what it is...”

Nick turned his face away from everyone letting the tears run from his eyes and strike the sheets, “She still didn’t see me, Beej.”

“What is he...?” but AJ was cut off by BJ.

“She still has those blinds over her eyes,” BJ sneered.

“After a..all...t..the things I did f..for attention. I just needed someone to pay attention to me,” Nick was stuttering through chattering teeth, “Instead she dismisses me... When I thought she had finally realized ME, not Nicky, she... she...”

“What? She what?” Kevin’s green eyes were curious he gazed at BJ.

“She sent him to therapy,” BJ said flatly.

“Never talked to me about my problem, she just wanted it dealt with and over so I’d be normal...I’d be her perfect Nicky again,” Nick said through his tears, “Her scapegoat. Her prize. Her money making machine.”

His hands shook as he gripped the doorframe. He held the razor loosely in his palms, blood fell from his fingers. His bare feet struck the kitchen tile and curled at its coldness. He could see her sitting at the table, her back to him as she looked over something, “M...Mom....” he choked out.

“What Aaron... Good God Nick!” Jane Carter was up in an instant and to Nick. She grabbed his hands and examined the small cuts on them. She took the slightly bloody razor from him and tossed it on the counter. Jane rolled up his sleeves hastily to see if he had sliced his wrists, no marks, still baby smooth.

“What were you gonna do Nicky?” Jane asked him, staring into his teary eyes. His whole demeanor trembled in her presence. He stifled a cry and let himself collapse to his knees. Jane sunk down with him and took him in her arms. She rocked him slowly as he cried and cried, and cried. Her hands ran through his hair rapidly, his tears were hers. He could feel her fear. He tried to stop his heaving sobs but soon found that it only brought about more sobs.

“Mom...? Nick!” He felt more arms around him, squeezing, “What happened, are you ok?” Leslie’s voice was unnerved

“Mom, what’s wrong with him?” Angel’s frightful voice was screeching. She had seen the razor.

“Angel, Leslie, get a blanket, please,” Jane said still holding Nick and trying to soothe his tears, “Nicky, please.., please calm down. Come on, you’re gonna make yourself sick, ok?”

“Mom, we got it,” Leslie said, she and Angel stood each holding a side of the blanket. Jane nodded and released her hold on Nick lightly to take the blanket. She wrapped it around his shaking body and kissed his forehead, his tears were calming down, his sobs becoming hiccups.

“What’s wrong with him?” Angel repeated.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me...” Nick said in a small voice, “I don’t know...” he looked at his mother, like she held the answers, like she always had when he was a child. She always knew how to make him feel better, to make the tears go away... Make the tears go away Mom...

Jane’s blue eyes burned into his and she took his face between her hands, “Honey... I’m gonna get you the best help in the world. I’m gonna find a psychiatrist that will talk to you anytime you need him, whether it be 2 pm or 2 am. Don’t worry baby, Mom’s gonna take care of everything.” She buried his head in her shoulder and rubbed his neck, “Everything’s gonna be just fine now.”

Everything’s gonna be just fine now... the words fell around his ears. Psychiatrist.... But psychiatrist were for crazy people... was he crazy? He raised his head from his mother’s shoulders and caught the eyes of his siblings, all 4 of them staring at him... like he was crazy. So maybe that’s what he was. Crazy.

“Nicky,” BJ stroked his face, “You’re not crazy, you’re sick, and Mom made a mistake for just writing you off like that.”

Nick buried his face in his pillows as he had once used his mother’s sweet scented shoulders. “Sick, crazy, what’s the difference. I got a prescription all the same...”

“And he was wrong, Dr. Sears was wrong. He never really talked to you did he? He never counseled you,” BJ was saying, “He basically accepted your checks and did what Mom wanted. She wanted you to be the same as you always were to her... anything Dr. Sears could give you that would reproduce that she was all for. She was scared Nick. She was a coward, and she looked the other way when she shouldn’t have. It’s not your fault.”

Nick sniffled, and shook his head weakly, “I’m tired. Can everybody leave so I can get some sleep please?”

“Of course,” AJ said standing up, Howie, and Kevin followed.

“Frack, I’m gonna stay, I’m gonna sit down over here. So if you need me at all...”

“No Brian...”

“Yes Nick, either get used to it, or don’t sleep,” Brian planted himself on the love seat by the window.

Nick stared at him with an odd expression in his eyes, he nodded and lie down on his pillows. BJ stood to leave but he griped her hand, “Will you tell me again how it’s not my fault?”

BJ smiled softly at him, “I’ll gladly tell you that all day.” She sat on the side of the bed and rubbed his hands.

Kevin, Howie, and AJ left the room, shutting the door and the scene behind them

Chapter 30

Aaron found himself at a pay phone in the airport. He needed to call his sister, but he didn’t want her checking the caller ID and seeing Dad’s number pop up. His father had called and called and no one had answered BJ’s cell phone. Aaron just hoped he would have better luck. As the phone rang for the twentieth time he felt his heart begin to sink. He was about to hang up when... “Hello?” the person who answered sounded out of breath.

“AJ?” Aaron questioned the owner of the voice. It sure sounded like AJ. What was he doing with BJ’s phone.

“Yeah... who is this?” AJ asked sounding puzzled.

“It’s Aaron.”

“Aaron? Geez boy, you’re starting to sound like somebody now!” AJ joked with a laugh.

Aaron couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth, “Where’s my sister?”

There was silence on AJ’s end for a second or two, “She’s busy right now Air-boy. Can I help you with something?”

“How’s my brother AJ? Are you guys taking good care of him now?” Aaron’s smile faded as the tears came into his eyes. He was so close to Nick now, they were in the same city... Now if he could only reach him, get to him. He turned his head to scan for his Dad. Nowhere in sight, he was renting a car. Aaron had slipped away and was using a phone by the men’s room on the opposite side of his father.

“Aar... uh, yeah. Yeah we’re taking care of your brother for ya,” AJ said softly, “Aaron...”

“Listen, you have to do me a major favor,” Aaron was quick to override AJ’s next statement. His Dad was probably looking for him by now.

“Favor? Like, like what?” AJ was stuttering. Good Lord what did he think Aaron was gonna ask for, a kidney?

“I’m at Continental airport... Can someone come pick me up, like now,” Aaron’s voice was urgent.

“You’re alone at the...?”

“No, no.... it’s a long story. But I need to see my bro, and the only way I can do it is if you come get me...”

“Aaron, who are you...?”

“My Dad, AJ. My Dad, and he’s determined to find Nick, and who knows what the hell he’s going to do when he does. First, he’s gonna track down Mom, then he’s gonna find you guys... I want to get to Nick before he does. Please AJ, please!”

“Aaron, do you realize your father could file kidnapping charges on us if we...”

“I don’t care AJ! Please! I’ll never ask you for anything else again!” Aaron was practically in tears.

“Aaron, Aaron calm down...” AJ was saying in a low voice, “Aaron, I would come get you.. But Aaron, the scene here ain’t pretty ok. Maybe it’d be better if you didn’t see Nick... at least not in the shape he’s in now.”

“AJ, I don’t care... I need to see him. I don’t care what he looks like, how he’s acting... I wanna help him,” Aaron was pleading, “Please... please just pick me up.”

“Aaron, you’re gonna get me killed,” AJ was hissing into the receiver, “Ok, ok, calm down. Fine. I’ll... I’ll be there in about 15 minutes ok? Go to the restaurant across the street and wait for me there, ok?”

Aaron was nodding, “Thank you Alex.”

“Don’t thank me yet kid,” AJ muttered, “I’ll be there in a few.” He disconnected, and Aaron gathered his bags. He was careful to watch out for his Dad as he crept out of the booth and dashed for the glass doors that would take him into the lobby, then out to the street.

“Where ya going Alex?” Howie was pouring himself a cup of coffee.

“Store,” AJ said gruffly, he didn’t know how anyone would take the news about him going to get Aaron. Damn it, Aaron... What would he say when he saw his big brother in such a state. Maybe he wouldn’t have to see him. They’d just keep him downstairs. Nick’s bedroom would be off limits or something.

“What for?” Kevin questioned holding out his coffee cup so Howie could pour some coffee into his mug.

“Pepsi,” AJ said quickly, “I got a craving.”

“Get me a root beer,” Howie said absently.

AJ blinked, they had bought into his lame excuse? He didn’t believe it. They never bought his excuses before... Hmmm, maybe he was just getting good at it.

“See you guys in a few,” AJ said he retreated out the backdoor. His Prowler sat in the driveway. He deactivated the alarm, which also unlocked the doors , and climbed into his car. Alright, here we go. He put the car in reverse and then began his drive to the airport.

Aaron sat in the pretty much vacant restaurant slurping on a chocolate shake and tapping his fingers on the table. The waitress that had seated him kept glancing at him ever so often. She was nosy, Aaron decided. He smiled at her and concentrated on his shake. He heard the door bells ring alerting the waiters that there was a customer. Aaron barely glanced up, but when he did his eyes sprang open. It had to be AJ. The new customer wore a long sleeved shirt, a pull down hat and sunglasses. He looked in Aaron’s direction and smiled. Aaron slid out of the booth and ran to him, giving him a tight hug that AJ returned. “I left my stuff at the table.”

“Well then let’s go get it,” AJ said walking with Aaron back to the table to collect his luggage. They left the restaurant, AJ leaving a large tip for the waitress, and went straight to the car. “Keep your head down, I bet Bob has had the whole airport turned upside down looking for you. The last thing we need is for someone to spot us.”

Aaron obeyed. AJ unlocked the doors and tossed in Aaron’s bags. “Get in back and stay down.”

Aaron climbed in the back seat unable to disguise his goofy grin, this felt like an adventure, and in a way it was. AJ climbed into the driver’s seat and started the car. Aaron heard the pavement rumbling as the car began to move forward. He wondered how Nick and BJ would react to his presence.... hell, he wondered how everyone would react to his presence... and more than that... He was wondering how his Dad was reacting to his lack of presence.

Chapter 31

“Twenty-four hours, my kid is damn super star! A celebrity! He could have been kidnapped!” Bob was yelling at the airport security who had informed him that if he called the police any search for his missing 12 year-old would begin after 24 hours. “What is wrong with you people?!” He suddenly looked thoughtful, “Alright, how about if I pay you. Yes, I’ll give you...”

“Sir, my advice to you is to let us do our jobs. We will search the airport and find out if anyone has seen your boy. You call your wife and let her know where you are. Maybe your son has contacted her...”

“Of course!” Bob’s eyes were wild, “He’s called Jane. She’s probably had someone sneak over here and take him! She wants me to worry, she likes it when I’m upset!” By then the airport personnel were looking at him strangely, “Um, sir? Do you still...”

“No, I have a pretty good idea of where my son may be,” Bob’s eyes had narrowed, “Thank you for your help.” He walked away from the puzzled personnel. He pulled out his cell phone and rapidly punched in Jane’s cell phone number.

“Pick up woman, I know you’re there... Laughing at me...”

“Hello?”

“Where’s Aaron?” Bob demanded into the phone, “Who did you have come get him?”

“Aaron...? Bob? What are you talking about? What the hell do you mean where’s Aaron? You lost him?! You stupid moron how do you lose a 12 year old?!!” Jane’s voice vibrated through the phone.

“Oh no, you’re not about to play this game with me Jane. Where is he going?” Bob demanded into the phone. He ignored the looks he was getting from people around him.

“I don’t know Bob, you had him this week... He was your responsibility! Just wait til I get you back to court, you’ll never be able to spend time with my kids again! How can you lose...?”

“You really don’t know where he is do you?” Bob was finally calming down, and his previous feelings of panic were returning, “Damn.. You don’t think he was really kidnapped?”

“Damn it Bob, knowing Aaron he probably just took off. You should have been watching him! But then paying attention to your kids is exactly what you don’t do best!” Jane was yelling.

“Oh like you did any better Jane! Nick spent more time with you than anyone,” Bob muttered angrily, then sobered quickly, “Did you see him?”

There was silence on the other end as Jane seethed over his words, then she replied, “Yeah, yeah I saw him. He looked bad Bob, and you know what... He hates me... He hates me, but he hates you more, I know it!”

“Jane must you be so childish! Ok, now where would Aaron have...” he paused as he thought deeply about what he was going to ask himself, “Jane, where is Nick?”

“I’m not telling you that,” Jane snapped.

“Jane, wherever Nick is, is where Aaron is going! Now where is Nick?” Bob demanded.

“I don’t have to tell you a thing, and if Aaron went where Nick is then I’ll deal with him,” with that she ended the conversation leaving a stuttering Bob disconnected in the airport.

“Damn that women. Fine if she wants to play hardball, then I’ll just have to let her know just who and what she is up against,” Bob narrowed his eyes as he muttered to himself. He gathered his baggage and his rental car key, once he got to his hotel he had some very important phone calls to make.

“The guys are going to kill me,” AJ uttered cutting the engine, “Aaron wake up, get your bags.”

Aaron was wide awake sprawled out in the backseat. He sat up in an instant and grabbed his two bags, “Will Nick be asleep?”

AJ winced, “He may be...” I hope he is, who knows how he’ll react to this one...

AJ approached the door slowly with Aaron walking closely behind him. Slowly he put his key in the door and turned the lock... Please don’t let them kill me.

“AJ, you’re back. Where’s my... AARON!!” Howie’s eyes were practically bulging out of his head and his mouth was scraping the carpet, “What... How... When?” He looked to AJ wildly for an explanation, a good one.

“He came into town with Bob. Bob’s looking for Nick, and Aaron wanted to get here and warn us before he came.”

“Great, that asshole in town is all we need. Bad enough Jane’s been here. I don’t wanna see how Nicky’ll react to Bob,” Howie grumbled running his hands through his curls, “Aaron you hungry? You need something to drink?”

Aaron shook his head, “I just wanna see my sister and brother. Can I?”

“I.. I don’t think that’d be a very good idea...”

“Howie bring up some more trash bags, the kid’s pukin’ again,” Kevin announced jogging down the stairs. He dashed past Aaron straight into his laundry room, never noticing him. He emerged with fresh sheets and... and, “What the hell? Aaron?” his gaze turned to AJ, “Alexander?”

“He begged,” AJ said lamely, “Here, I’ll get the trash bags.” AJ ran into the kitchen, excusing himself from the troubling scene.

“A... Oh forget it. This just keeps getting better and better. Aaron, you want a drink, food?”

Aaron shook his head, and then looked towards the stairs, “Are Nick and BJ up there?”

Kevin looked uncomfortable, “Yes, they are. But Nicky’s sick right now, and it may not be a good idea for you to...”

“I came all the way here just to see him! I don’t care what’s wrong with him, I just need to see him,” Aaron folded his arms.

“Aaron, we understand, it’s just that... that Nicky may not be ready to see you,” Howie said softly, “He’s in bad shape Aaron, really bad shape.”

Aaron felt the tears building in his eyes, “Then I’ll make him be ready.. Please... I have to see him.”

“Aaron..” before Kevin or Howie could grab him, Aaron was dashing up the stairs. “Shit.”

BJ was undressing the bed. She folded the soiled sheets and piled them by the door. Brian sat rocking Nick who cried lightly on his shoulder. “Kevin, did you grab some extra trash bags?” BJ asked absently as the door to the room swung open and someone entered, when she looked up she gasped, “Oh my God...”

“Hi BJ,” Aaron said in a small voice, he offered her a weak smile, as she stared at him. All of the color had drained from her face. She offered no reply back to him, she just simply stared from him, to Nick. She was praying with all her might that maybe Nick didn’t hear Aaron’s voice, but her prayer went unrecognized as she saw Nick’s head raising. He turned to see Aaron standing in the doorway. They stared at each other for the longest time. “Hi Nicky,” Aaron began to make his way to Nick and Brian, “I’ve missed you so much, and I’ve been so worried about you. How are you? Are you ok?”

Aaron reached Nick and tried to hug him. He got no response, only the same tearful stare, “Nick, aren’t you happy to see me?”

Nick hid his face behind his hands, “Damn it I didn’t want anyone to see me! I didn’t want anyone to see....”

“Shhh...” Brian tried to soothe him, “I didn’t know he was coming...”

“I didn’t want anyone to see...”

“You started this mess Aaron, so finish it,” BJ hissed in Aaron’s ear. Aaron’s head jerked towards her, he hadn’t realized that she had come so close.

“What?” to say he was surprised and hurt by the nasty tone she had used with him was an understatement.

“Give him a hug, and let him know it’s ok,” BJ said forcefully in his ear.

Aaron nodded feeling tears sting in his eyes, his sister did not seem happy to see him, and neither did his brother. Aaron slowly put his arms around his brother’s trembling frame again and hugged him. He sat down on the other side of him and held him, along with Brian, “Nick, it’s ok. I insisted on being here, I needed to see you. I want to help you. I know you’re sick, and I want to help you get better. I know you didn’t want me to see you, but I don’t care what you look like, or what you’ve done. I love you no matter what.” Aaron laid his head on Nick’s shoulder as his tears fell, soaking Nick’s shirt. He looked up after a few minutes to see Brian looking at him, a small smile on his lips, “Hi AC.”

“Hi Brian.”

The sound of people entering the room made Aaron’s eyes travel to the door. Kevin was entering holding the sheets, AJ was holding a box of trash bags. Howie stood behind them holding a heating pad.

He watched as Kevin and BJ began remaking the bed and AJ began lining the trash can with garbage bags. Howie came to sit beside him, “Sorry you had to see all this AC.”

Aaron shook his head, “It’s fine. I wanted to see it. I want to help.”

Howie nodded, “Of course you do.”

“Ok, bed’s ready,” Kevin announced, “Get him over here.”

Aaron reluctantly loosened his arms from Nick’s waist. Brian helped Nick up, and carefully led him to the bed. He laid him down and he curled up on his side. Howie went to position the heating pad under his back in the bed before BJ pulled up the covers and tucked Nick in. She kissed him lightly on the brow and smoothed his hair back. Then she straightened up and turned to Aaron. Her gaze on him softened the longer she stared at him, and slowly she smiled. She held open her arms, and Aaron rushed into them, “I’m so sorry Aaron, for the way I talked to you... I didn’t mean it. I’m not mad at you, I’m just so worried about Nicky that my nerves are shot... I’m cranky. Can you forgive me?”

Aaron almost laughed at her, “Well Beej, I’ll have to think about it...”

“Aaron!”

“Seriously, you wounded me...”

“Aaron if you don’t...”

“Just kidding Sis, now show me where I can put my stuff. Looks like I’ll be here for a while.” He cast a worried glance at the slight figure buried under the blankets on the bed... a long while...

Chapter 32

Bob followed Jane’s trail nicely. He had easily pinpointed her location and drove his rental car to the hotel. Getting her room number wasn’t very hard either. She was registered under her maiden name. Bob walked to the door and knocked on the door swiftly. He heard someone walk to the door, he stood patiently waiting to be let in, or yelled at whichever came first. Slowly the door came open. Leslie stood behind the door staring at him.

“Hi Leslie,” Bob smiled at her, he hadn’t seen his middle daughter in months, “How have you been?”

Leslie narrowed her eyes at him and stepped back to let him into the room. Bob continued to smile at her, hoping to break her down, but winning himself no points. Jane was on the phone, “So he is there?”

“Who are you talking to Jane?” Bob came behind Jane smoothly, causing her to jump. She glared at him, “How did you find me?”

“It wasn’t very hard Janie. Who is that you’re talking to? Is it Aaron, or one of Nick’s friends?”

Jane gave him a blank expression, “Send him here.”

Bob stood watching his ex-wife for a second, then he grabbed the phone. Jane yelled and reached for it back. “Who is this? Where is Aaron?”

“Who the hell is this? What happened to Jane?”

“Alexander McLean?” Bob questioned, “Do you have my son? Did he call you to come kidnap him?”

“You don’t call people to kidnap you Bob,” AJ’s voice snarled, “What do you keep doing that drives your kids away from you?”

“Where are you?”

“Ask your wifey.. Er- I mean ex-wifey. By the way, how’s the mistress?”

Bob growled, “You insubordinate disrespectful...”

“Disrespectful?” AJ laughed humorlessly, “Bob, don’t be a hypocrite.”

“Where is my son?”

“Ask...your...wife,” AJ said curtly before hanging up.

“What happened?” Howie stared at AJ who had slammed down the receiver angrily.

“Bob Carter.”

“Oh,” Howie said flatly, “I suppose he wants Aaron back, huh?”

“Yeah,” AJ nodded, “I guess we’d better prepare for a visit from Bob tonight too.”

Howie groaned, “Maybe we should just take Aaron back and avoid a confrontation. We don’t need Nick to get all upset again.”

AJ frowned, “Yeah... but Howie have you seen him and Aaron together? Aaron is like some sort of wonderful medicine for him.”

Howie nodded, “I’ve seen them. But I’ve also seen Nick when one of his parents shows up... and Bob is the one he resents the most.”

“Bob is the one I resent the most,” AJ growled, “I swear if I see him I’ll kick his ass.”

Howie snickered, “That’s what Kevin said he would do to your Dad if he had the nerve to show his face.”

AJ grinned, “Really? He said that?”

“Oh yeah, he said he wanted to break your dad over his knee like a stick,” Howie said.

“I’d love to see it,” AJ said with a smile, “I wonder if he can do a two-for-one and break Nick’s dad too.”

Howie smiled back, “Yeah, that’d be great. I’ll have to buy more popcorn though.”

“You’re crazy D,” AJ laughed. He turned to go up the stairs to warn everyone about the Bob Carter threat.

“So’s he getting better?” Aaron was asking Brian. He sat on the bed beside his brother’s sleeping form. Every now and again Nick’s hand would squeeze Aaron’s and Aaron would smile and rub his brother’s back to let him know he was still there.

“He was trying to eat earlier, but Jane ruined all chances of that happening tonight,” Brian sighed, “He hadn’t thrown up in a few days. He just started again after your mother left.

Aaron’s eyes blazed, “Damn them both.”

Brian’s eyes widened, he’d never heard Aaron use such harsh language, but after spending an hour with him, he’d realized there was much he hadn’t heard. Aaron was a different person than the last time Brian had spent time with him. He had grown up so much Brian barely knew what to say to him anymore. He wasn’t bubbly and carefree, but serious and cautious. His concern for his older siblings was touching. He worried not only for Nick, but for BJ, and Leslie. He worried about his twin still in California staying with friends. He had watched his whole family fall apart before his very eyes, and for a while he felt he was the only person in the world who cared enough to want to fix it.

“They just don’t understand how much damage they’ve done,” Aaron was saying, “Dad says he’s sorry, and he’s cries and complains that Nick won’t talk to him... But then if you really think about how hard he has actually tried to talk to him you can’t feel sorry for the guy. If he really wanted to talk to Nick, he could have. He just didn’t feel like being bothered. He knew Nick was going through a rough time, and he didn’t want to be tangled up in that. He figured Nick could get over it himself, and once he started acting and looking like himself again, he would try to weasel his way back in. I mean that’s not what he said, but you know that’s what he would have done!”

Brian nodded, “And how do you feel about me Aaron, about us? We weren’t very good friends...”

“I hated you guys for awhile too. Nick spent more time you with than me, so I thought I could count on you guys to see something was wrong, to help him. But you were like Mom, you didn’t see him. But I couldn’t hate you like I hated Mom, because I knew you guys didn’t see him because maybe you were preoccupied, you had your own problems. None of you seemed too happy during the tour. I know you fell on hard times... Mom, just didn’t want to see any faults in her kids. And then any she did see, she saw them as an axe to hack at Dad with, not an actual problem for her to deal with. My brother and sisters transformed into different beings Brian. It felt like I stayed the same, but they all changed. But now as I sit here and talk to you, or look in BJ or Nick’s eyes...I feel like I’ve changed too. Have I changed Brian, am I different?”

Brian blinked and sized the twelve year old up. Yes, Aaron, you’re different Brian wanted to yell. You’ve turned into a little old man, but he didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Aaron was incredible, instead of rebelling like his siblings he instead grew older. He seemed to be the primary caretaker in the family now. Sure, he’d cried when he first arrived and saw Nick and BJ, but immediately afterward he took charge. He questioned BJ about her eating habits, had she been eating properly. Sometimes when she worried, she didn’t. He’d sat down and talked with Nick. Nothing too deep, he seemed to know just what to say to put Nick at ease and get him to sleep soundly.

“You’ve grown up Aaron,” Brian said finally, “You’re not the little boy that I remember from last year.”

Aaron smiled, “Everyone says that I’ll have an ulcer by the time I’m 16. These guys will kill me.” He nodded towards Nick, but it was also apparent on his face that he included all his siblings in “these guys.” He gave Nick another pat, “But I love em’ all, and they’re what holds me together. I could easily fall apart like all of them have, but what would happen to them? Who’s gonna help BJ up the stairs when she comes in too sloshed to think straight late at night... Who’s gonna convince Mom to let her stay? Who’s gonna cover Leslie up at night when she collapses on the couch, at her desk, on a chair so tired from working herself so hard she couldn’t even make it to bed or get undressed. Who’s gonna nag Angel to eat decent meals. She’s trying to make herself into a Barbie doll Brian. A Barbie! She thinks she needs to lose 10 pounds. She’s starting to take after Nick, and it scares me. I mean, she’s not doing drugs, but I think she’s heading down the fast lane into getting an eating disorder.” Aaron ran his hands through his blond hair, “Bri, I’ve got gray hair.”

Brian snickered but quickly stifled it as he saw Aaron’s solemn expression, “You have gray hair?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said sadly, “A 12 year old is not supposed to have gray hair, is he Brian?”

Brian shook his head.

“Well Dad’s the first one that noticed it and made the same comment. Well Dad, how the HELL do you think they got there huh? I’m doing your damn job! Yours! And I’m failing at it... if you would only try, if you would only act like you cared for a split second... things wouldn’t be this bad. Nick and BJ wouldn’t be so screwed up. Leslie would smile... Angel would... Angel would be my twin sister again!” Aaron slapped the side of the bed, and quickly grimaced as Nick made a noise and rolled away from him, “Damn...” He said softly as he watched Nick’s peaceful expression fade in his sleep.

“Aaron, you don’t have to take the reigns of your family. You are too young. You’ve done a wonderful job, and everyone respects you for it. But you can relax now, you’ve got help.”

“Help?” Aaron laughed humorlessly, “Help is what I could have used about a year ago... Help is what I wanted a few months ago... Now I finally figured out if you want something done, you can’t count on others. It’s good that you’re here now, but I know I can never relax. As much as you feel like you are, you’re not family. You have your own family... and they are your number one priority, am I right? Your Mom or somebody needs you, and off you go. I’m not bitter about that. I’m glad to know that’s a fact about you. You stick to your family. I wish that was a fact about everyone...”

“What are you saying Aaron? That you think I’ll eventually abandon Nick?”

“Again? Yes. But it won’t be your fault Brian, something will happen in your life. You just can’t shut off your whole entire existence because Nick’s going through a rough patch in his life... you can’t worry about another family of kids that aren’t yours just because their parents won’t, all the time. Eventually you’re going to move away. It’ll take too long, Nick will need too much, and you’ll realize you can’t do it. Well Brian, I may realize one day that I can’t do it... but I’ll never quit trying. I’ll always be there for my family, so you don’t have to worry about it. I’m relieving you of ever having to feel like Nick Carter is a drag in your life. You will never have to feel obligated to doing this or that for Nick when you’d rather be out with Leighanne planning a wedding, or your mother wants to have a family outing. Brian that’s your life and this is mine.”

Brian’s mouth was scraping the carpet, “Now you wait just one damn minute Aaron...” He paused as he thought about how he had just cursed at a twelve year old. He didn’t really curse at all... But Aaron had pressed so many buttons in his system it wasn’t even funny, “Nick is my little brother Aaron. Blood does not have anything to do with it. If Nick needed it, and I was a match, I’d give him my kidneys, both of them. That’s how much he means to me. Maybe you’re mad about what happened on tour...”

“I’m not. Everyone has life problems, you had yours... And what happens when you have more Brian? Nick goes back on the shelf. I don’t want to get used to your help, start relying on your help, and then one day when I really need it, it’s not there anymore cause you’re busy elsewhere. I need to be strong on my own, and I am. I’m grateful for what you’re doing for my brother now... but when push comes to shove... if he doesn’t snap out of this stage for years... I know I’ll be the one still standing beside him, or in a grave. The grave is the only thing that can stop me from standing by my brother, and my sisters. I’ll fight that too.”

“Aaron, you are 12 years old...”

“Well nobody has seemed to care about that until now. Do you really think I’m too young Brian?” Aaron’s eyes blazed with anger and shined with tears of pent up frustration and anger, “ Was I too young to hold my sister by the knots of her hair to keep her from drowning herself in the toilet as she puked her guts up after having one drink too many? Was I too young to call a doctor when Angel had an allergic reaction to a laxative she was forcing into her body?”

“My God Aaron, my God...” Brian whispered softly with tears in his eyes, he held out his arms to the young blond who simply stared at him.

“I’m beyond hugs Brian,” Aaron said flatly.

Brian dropped his arms to his sides automatically, “Aaron, you’re a hero in your own right. You’ve done so much for your family this past year. I am sorry I was not there to know something was wrong with Nick, and to see what was going on in your lives. I hate myself, because I know that if I had been there this past year, things may not have been so bad. I know, because me and the guys would have straightened Nick out, and Nick would be there to help you do those things. Shield you from the things you shouldn’t have seen or done... or called one of us to help when he shouldn’t see or do those things either.”

“You really think you are the reason our family got this screwed up. You really think you’re that important to where if you turn your back once our lives would fall apart?! I mean sure there’s no doubt in my mind that you could have helped Nick... but you guys are not the Super Friends, ok? Don’t blame yourselves!”

“Hey, hey,” AJ entered the room abruptly, “I think Bob’s on his way.”

“Shit!” Aaron cursed, “That dumb ass will ruin everything. Why can’t they both just butt out. They’ve done enough.. Or rather not done enough. Is it just me he wants? I’ll get my stuff back together and wait downstairs. We can just leave, he’ll never even have to come in.” Aaron rose from the bed only to be held back by Nick’s hand that was still clutching his. Aaron’s eyes misted over, “After months of ignoring me, he’s finally letting me know that he needs me, and now I gotta leave.”

“You don’t have to go anywhere Aaron,” Kevin entered the room, “This is my house and Bob Carter has no right to just burst in here. If I don’t want him to come in, then he stays outside.”

“For some reason I don’t think my Dad’s gonna let it be that easy for you Kev, I’m gonna get my stuff.” Aaron carefully detangled his fingers from Nick’s. Nick’s empty hand curled and fell onto the sheets. He clutched the sheets and moaned softly. His eyes opened slightly and turned to gaze at his younger brother, “I didn’t mean to wake you up Nicky.”

Nick shook his head letting him know it was okay.

“I have to go for a little while,” Aaron told him softly, “I have to take care of some business.”

“Don’t go,” Nick said softly, “I... I want you here.”

Aaron blinked back a tear, “You know how long I wanted to hear you or BJ, or anyone in the family say that to me?”

Nick’s eyes watered, “I’m sorry. I wasn’t a very good older brother, was I? I let you down...Please don’t go into that speech that I’ve heard a million times telling me that I didn’t let you down, cause I know I did. I did.”

“Well you’re trying to make up for it now,” Aaron said ruffling his brother’s limp hair, “by trying to get better. Nicky you gotta eat, that’s the only way you will get better, and the only way you can make it up to me.” Aaron sat back down on the bed taking Nick’s hand again, “Will you do it for me, for us?”

“I’ll...I’ll throw up. I don’t wanna do it again...” Nick turned his face away.

“Nicky, you gotta try. Maybe the next time you won’t,” Aaron said, “You have to try. You wanna try now?”

Nick kept his face turned and buried it in his pillow. “Nick,” Aaron shook Nick by the shoulders, “Are you listening to me? You’re gonna die you idiot. You’re going to kill yourself, and I freakin’ need you. What am I gonna do if you die? Huh? You can’t do this to me, or to BJ, or Leslie, or Angel! You gotta snap outta this bro.”

“What if I were to tell you I no longer really care what happens to me Aaron?” Nick said suddenly, “What if I were to say that I’ve had enough. I tried and it was too much...”

“How can you say that to me?” Aaron said with tears rolling down his face, “How the hell can you lie there and say that to me?! I can’t freaking take care of this family by myself. I thought you would help me... Everything’s falling apart!”

“Including me Aaron! Who said I wanted to take care of the family.. The family pretty much took care of itself! It’s dead... and that’s how I feel inside now. I love you Aaron, and I love Beej and Leslie, and Angel... but I can’t help you. I can’t help anyone, not even myself. What good am I?”

“Damn you! You’re so damn selfish! You, you, you.... That’s all you think about. Who cares what you don’t want. Think about what I want, what BJ wants...”

“THAT’S WHAT GOT ME INTO THIS WHOLE DAMN MESS!! WORRYING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE!” Nick screamed sitting straight up. He rocked back and forth holding his knees tears streaming down his cheeks, “I’m sick of thinking of others... They never thought about me when I needed it. It’s too damn late to think about courtesy.”

“You were getting better Nicky, you were!” Brian jumped into the argument, “Why are you giving up now?”

“I’m not giving up now, I gave up a long time ago. But you guys... you care so much... that I feel bad for not trying to be what you want... But then I remember how I got here, and it’s all because of what I’m trying to do now! I can’t do it again! I can’t! I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“Well Nick, what do you want? Who do you want to be?” Kevin asked calmly.

Nick was silent as Howie and BJ filed into the room making the group complete, “I want nothing. I don’t want to be anyone... Not anymore. I just want... I don’t know. But I don’t want this. I don’t want it!” He shook with fatigue and sadness, he gagged and Howie went for the trash can. He dry heaved for a few minutes before falling back onto the pillows. His complexion was terribly pale, the dark circles under his eyes looked painted on they were so dark. He trembled and would not make eye contact with anyone.

“Nick, ok...” AJ began calmly, “This is good. You’re talking to us. It was good that you said all that, ok. Now we can...” the doorbell rang from downstairs.

“Now who could that be?” BJ looked at the others who stared back at her with dread in their eyes.

“Please don’t let it be Bob,” Brian crossed his fingers. “Who’s gonna go check?”

“I will,” Kevin said flatly, “after all it’s my house.” He turned to go out the door and motioned for Aaron to sit back down, “I told you earlier you weren’t going anywhere and I meant it AC. Sit down by your brother.” Kevin left the room followed closely by Howie and Brian.

“I can’t wait to get my hands on that filth,” Kevin was muttering as he took the stairs two by two, “I’m gonna beat his ass.”

“Careful Kev, you gotta save some for the rest of us,” Brian was saying trying to keep up with his cousin. Kevin reached the door and looked through the peak hole. His face of total confidence, anger, and some arrogance faded. He paled considerably and stepped back from the door to open it.

“Kev? What’s wrong? Who’s out there?” Howie questioned him.

But instead of answering Kevin opened the door. Sure enough Bob Carter was outside, but he wasn’t alone. Standing with him were two uniformed officers, and one of them held a warrant.

Chapter 33

“If you don’t care then what does it matter if I stay or not Nick? Why didn’t you want me to leave?” Aaron was spouting off to his brother, “Huh? Answer me!”

Nick narrowed his eyes, “I don’t know. I don’t know why I do anything I do anymore.”

“Admit it Nick, you want help,” Aaron said, “You want help out of this. See you were lying before when you said you didn’t want anything.”

Nick slumped down on his pillows, “I’m cold. Can I get another blanket?”

“You can get a bowl a soup Nick,” BJ said firmly, “That’s the only thing that will warm you up, not a blanket, but food.”

Nick shook his head, and wrapped his arms around his bony body and shivered.

“Damn it...” Aaron rubbed his eyes to push away his tears. How do you help someone who won’t help himself?

“Something’s going on down there,” AJ said in a hushed tone, “I hear Brian and Kevin... and Bob arguing, and some other voices, and that ain’t Howie. I’m gonna go and check it out.” He opened the door and slipped out, closing it behind him. He went to the stair railing to lean over and look down into the living room. The voices were louder and he could hear the strain in his friend’s voices. They were...begging? Pleading with Bob and whoever else was down there to go away. That Aaron said he would leave willingly, just don’t crash upstairs.

“What the hell...?”

“You can’t tell me where to go when my children are involved..”

“Including the one you disowned?” Brian’s voice rose.

“Just let me through,” Bob said. There was more yelling and thundering footsteps clambering up the stairs. AJ blinked as he watched in a daze Bob running up the stairs pursued by Brian, Kevin and Howie. That old man runs fast... Oh! AJ threw himself at the top of the stairway blocking Bob’s path.

“I knew there was one missing!” Bob yelled as he fought AJ to get past, but AJ and Kevin, Brian, and Howie catching him from behind was enough to keep him in place.

AJ looked past the confrontation to see two police officers coming up the stairs, “You will have to step aside sir, “ one said to AJ.

“On what grounds did you get permission to come into my house. What did he pay you?” Kevin was demanding.

“Step aside,” the officer instructed. They pushed through the barricade the Boys had created. Bob passed through them and walked down the hall calling the names of his children.

“Shit...” Aaron muttered.

“Aaron, your mouth is the most vile thing...” BJ began, but quieted as she heard what Aaron did, “Dad.”

“Shit,” Aaron said again, rolling his eyes, “I’m going out there. I’m gonna stop him from getting in here.” Aaron stood up and stalked to the door hoping to slip out before Bob rounded the corner to see what door he had come from. He shot a look at his two older siblings who sat on the bed, BJ had pulled Nick into her arms trying to calm his shivers.

Aaron opened the door and slid out only to run into his father, “Oof! Damn! Hi Dad, I’ve got my stuff and I am ready to go. I know I was wrong for what I did, and I am prepared for whatever lecture and punishment you have prepared. Lets go.”

Aaron took Bob’s arm and tugged but found that his father wasn’t quite so easily moved. “Come on Dad, before Kevin’s veins pop out of his neck. Did you go see Mom and Leslie?”

“Are Nick and BJ in there Aaron?”’ Bob asked calmly staring at the door Aaron stood in front of.

“No,” Aaron said, “That was the room Kevin gave me.” He looked behind his father to see the guys standing behind the police looking angry, but helpless.

“Move Aaron,” Bob grabbed Aaron around the waist and lifted his slight weight away from the door. “DAD NO! Please! They don’t wanna see you! Nick doesn’t wanna see you! I don’t know what he’ll do!” Bob put Aaron behind him, and ignored any warning that he had given. He opened the door and stepped inside the room, unprepared for the sight that was there to greet him.

BJ and Nick huddled together on a bed. BJ, his first little girl, his princess, was glaring at him like he was the devil himself. He could feel the hate radiating from her body. He shuddered... and the sight of his oldest nearly brought him to tears, the look in his eyes. He looked so afraid, afraid of who? Me? Bob quickly regained his composure, “Your mother and I have come to an understanding. You two are get your things together now, and we’ll be on our way. No charges will be pressed on your friends and things will run smoothly. Nick...” Bob approached the bed slowly, grimacing as Nick flinched away from him and held onto BJ tighter. “Nick, your mother and I spoke to Dr. Sears, and he knows of a place where you can go to get....”

“DAMN IT DAD! Don’t you get it?!” Aaron had trailed Bob, “He doesn’t need a doctor, he never needed a doctor, he needed you. He needed you and Mom, but Mom was too busy writing him off to doctors... and you were too busy stuffing your head up your ass, and your tongue down Mary Anne’s...”

“Aaron!” Bob was enraged, “I don’t know where you learned to talk this way...”

“You better watch it Aaron, he’ll disown you too,” Nick muttered.

Both Aaron and Bob looked at him, “Nick, I never disowned you, I was only angry. Angry with myself and the situa...”

“You told me I wasn’t human... I wasn’t normal.. Was a traitor. A mistake,” Nick continued not listening to Bob, “A mistake that no one will let me correct.”

“Nick you’re not a mistake. I...”

“Then why’d you say it Dad. You’ve been mad before, but you never told me I was a mistake.”

“Nick I...”

“The sex was good wasn’t it, Dad. You sold me out, you sold everyone out, for sex,” Nick was shaking his head, “I mean, hell, I don’t blame you. I’d do it now too... but you know what makes it even better? You now what makes the sex wild...” He had let go of BJ, he was standing or rather balancing himself with one hand on the wall, “A little X, it’s great. Some people think it’s coke, but I think...”

“Nickolas, do you do drugs? You do drugs!” Bob was enraged, he stared at his oldest child in shock, “Why the hell would you do something so stupid so careless?! I didn’t raise a junkie, an idiot, a fool! What did you think you were doing! And the example that you set... Is this why Aaron talks to me with no respect, why he hates me? Why Leslie won’t make eye contact with me? Why BJ won’t...”

“SHUT UP!” BJ screamed at her father, she made her way to Nick cautiously, trying to reach out and touch him. His face was dangerously pale and his body practically vibrated, his teeth chattered, his knees knocked together. His chest heaved in and out loudly and he clutched the wall, the table, a chair, anything he could get his hands on to keep him upright, “Look at him Dad, LOOK AT HIM!”

“I am looking at him, and what I see makes me sick. Come on, come Aaron, BJ, Nick get your things. You’re going to the Center right away Nick. As soon as we get home and buy you what you need you’re getting on a plane to Canada,” Bob charged forward towards Nick and Nick shrank back, his breathing becoming more desperate. He clutched his chest as he gasped in and out fighting for a breath, “Leave me alone... I’m not going to see anybody else.. I don’t want anyone to see me... Oh God, I can’t breathe...” He swooned and collapsed right into Bob’s open arms.

Bob, Aaron, and BJ let out a startled cry. “Oh no,” BJ breathed. She knelt beside her father and her older brother, “Nicky? Nicky can you hear me?”

“What have I done what have I done... Nicky, baby... Daddy’s sorry, he’s so sorry. Honey, wake up please... Please... Oh God what have I done?” He hugged Nick’s limp body to his chest.

“I’m gonna go call an ambulance,” BJ said in a quiet voice,, she jumped up and ran from the room leaving Bob alone with Aaron, and Nick.

“You bastard, what were you thinking? I thought you said you wanted to help? Nick hates himself, and a lot of that self hatred comes directly from the cruel words you said to him months ago. You turned him to this... you and Mom, and stress, and God everything. Everything Dad. You messed everything up for us. You... and then you come in here to make things right... claiming that you want to make things right, and then you do this. Oh Dad, he tears himself down enough, he didn’t need your help,” tears coursed down Aaron’s face, “You’re smothering him, lie him flat!” Aaron snapped bumping Bob’s arms as he cradled Nick like a small child.

“I’m so sorry.... I just want him to...”

“Dad, he said he couldn’t breathe, lie him down!” Aaron barked.

Bob blinked, then gently lie Nick on the floor, tenderly brushing his blond hair behind his ears with his fingers, “I don’t know what came over me. I just got so scared, so angry that he would pollute his body in that way.”

“It all started with prescription drugs from the very same psychiatrist you guys want to send him back too. Dr. Sears just wants the money Dad, he doesn’t give a damn about Nick. And when you try to send him away, Nick feels that you don’t give a damn.”

Bob was trying to calm himself down, he sat stroking Nick’s hair and talking to him lovingly. Brian, Kevin, Howie, and AJ came into the room, “BJ’s calling an ambulance in the hall. What the hell happened?”

“Nick!” Brian tried to push Bob out of the way, “Nicky?”

Bob shoved Brian back causing a very violent reaction from Brian who abruptly pulled back and punched Bob square in the jaw, “Son of a bitch! You get out of here! This is all your doing! It’s all your fault!”

Bob lunged at Brian with a snarl trying to land a fist but was restrained by the other Boys and the police.

“Watch Nicky! Watch out for Nicky!” Howie was yelling. He dropped beside Nick trying to shield him from any stray limbs flailing that could strike him. Kevin pulled out of the fight, shaking himself and gazing down at Howie and Nick. He took Nick from Howie, lifting him up and carrying him out the door. AJ pulled out of the fight just in time to see Aaron, Howie, and Kevin leaving with Nick. He gripped Brian’s collar and dragged him after the others. Bob and the police also followed.

“What happened up there Aaron?” Kevin demanded.

“Bob started yelling and calling him names,” Aaron said in a angry voice, “He got really upset and started hyperventilating.”

“Well, are you happy now Bob, huh?” Brian asked from Nick’s side. He was lying on the couch. Brian held his limp hand and coaxed him to wake up. Bob stood with his head in his hands, “No I’m not happy. What’s wrong with him, he weighs what? Twelve pounds? What has he done to himself... besides the drugs?”

AJ simply rolled his eyes, “Where’s the ambulance.”

“It’s on its way,” BJ said coming down the stairs.

“Why don’t you ride with him Beej,” Kevin suggested, “He’ll be glad to see you when he wakes up.”

BJ nodded, “Yeah.”

“Are you ignoring me?!” Bob shrieked.

All eyes peeled towards him, “Yeah, we are. We have nothing to say to you,” Howie simply said, “Perhaps someone should call Jane and Leslie to let them know the situation.”

“I’ll call,” Bob said. He immediately pulled out his phone and began dialing.

Sirens could be heard coming from outside, “Here it comes.”

The next few minutes were a blur as paramedics rushed in and took Nick’s pulse and started an IV, “He’s dehydrated...” one commented, “Temperature of 102.” Nick was loaded on a stretcher and put into the ambulance. BJ climbed in after him. After the ambulance whizzed away, Kevin ran back into his house to grab his keys, “Come on lets go.”

“Aaron where are you going?” Bob called after his son who was running to Kevin’s garage along with the Boys.

“To see my brother,” Aaron said flatly.

“Ride with me I’m going to the same place,” Bob said feeling rather shaky he needed the company. If he could be with one of his sons and feel that he was ok...

“Oh Dad, I would ride with you... But the thought of it makes me wanna hurl. And I know how well you treasure your appearances in public, and I wouldn’t wanna tarnish that with my regurgitated insides. Sorry, I’ll see you there,” Aaron smiled sweetly and waved to his stricken father. He ran to catch up with the guys leaving Bob Carter to remain staring after him.

“Lets go Mr. Carter, we’ll take you to the hospital,” a police officer offered kindly.

Bob nodded blinking back a tear, “Thank you. I appreciate it.”

Chapter 34

“How the hell did you let this happen Robert?” Jane was screaming at Bob in the hospital lobby. She slapped his chest hard and continued to pace the room.

“Well you can’t blame this entirely on me! When were you going to tell me you had already sent him to this psychiatrist and this psychiatrist had my son on drugs?!”

“Well gee Bob, you never asked!”

“Listen, would you two just shut up,” Howie spoke forcefully, “Nick’s still in the emergency room and he needs all of us out here praying for him ok?”

“Oh, look it’s Howard Dorough trying to give us advice... You know you cannot talk down to us. You were horrible to him on tour. You snubbed him, you ignored him...” Jane was beginning.

“Just like you did! And you’re his damn mother!” Brian spat, “My mother would never treat me in that way.”

“Do look like freakin’ Jackie Littrell Brian. Do I look like the perfect mother? Maybe I could be more like your mother Brian, if I didn’t have a personality! Or maybe if I didn’t have a husband who dropped his pants for any who....”

“I love Mary Anne!” Bob burst out, “Jane, I fell out of love with you!”

“Well you just could have said it Bob, you didn’t have to SHOW me! Or your children! That day Nick came home so upset, so upset he was sick to his stomach, and he tried to tell me... and I slapped him, Bob, I slapped him. And he had told me the truth, he never lied to me. You sat and looked my child, all my children in the eyes, me in the eyes, and lied... lied about your fidelity to me. What did I do that was so wrong Bob? What? Why did you fall out of love with me? Am I too old now? Do you not find me attractive anymore?”

“I married you cause you were pregnant Jane, got that? Over the years I grew fond of the mother of my children... but when Mary Anne came along... She’s true love Jane, and I couldn’t let that pass me by Jane. I wouldn’t blame you if you had found it too...”

“But I did find it Bob! I found it in you! Or rather I thought I had found it in you!” Jane said softly, tears beginning to spill down her cheeks. Leslie and BJ sat behind their mother, neither one dry eyed.

“How could you do that to Mom, Dad, how could you?” Leslie asked coldly, “How could you do that to us?”

“I had to do what was right for me,” Bob said, “Why should I be miserable for the rest of my life for a mistake I made...”

“How can you call us making love a mistake Bob! How can you say us making a baby a mistake? That’s just like saying Nick’s a mistake. One you wished you never made cause it brings you misery. I’m sorry I made you miserable Bob, I’m so sorry. But I want you to know that you could have left me at anytime, told me how you felt before I grew too attached to you Bob. Tell me, did you love Nick when he was born? Did you want him?”

“Yes, of course I love my son. That’s why I stayed Jane, to see him grow.”

“But you told him he was a mistake. A horrible mistake you wished you could take back,” BJ said flatly.

Jane gasped, and reared away from the man she no longer knew, and had shared a bed with for 20 years, “You... you said that to my son? You told him... Oh God Bob, how could you? How could you?!!” She began to scream and beat at Bob, striking anything on his body she could get her fists in contact with.

“Ahem,” uniformed security guards were entering the room. Kevin and AJ stood to pull Jane away from Bob. She broke down sobbing onto AJ’s shoulder, “My husband never loved me... how could I have made such a mistake... I’m so stupid.”

Brian glared at Bob from AJ’s side as he consoled Jane Carter. He actually felt sorry for the woman. She may not have been a model mother, but at least she had tried. She was wrong in her attempts, but she had tried. And Bob’s deception was just too much for Brian to stomach. He felt ill as he thought about the man who could lie in a bed next to a woman he did not love and lie... How could he say he loved her? How could he say Nick was a mistake?

“Excuse me?” A doctor was standing in the middle of the chaos of security, Backstreet Boys, and Carters trying to make his voice heard.

Kevin turned to address him, “Hi, how is he? Is he ok?”

“Who are you sir?” the doctor quizzed him first.

“I’m his brother,” Kevin said, “Is my baby brother ok?”

The doctor blinked, clearly not seeing the family resemblance in Kevin’s features, “His brother?”

“Yeah, I am too,” Brian stepped forward.

“Me too,” Howie said, “Now, how is he?”

“I’m not quite sure I understand...”

“He’s my son,” Bob Carter pushed his way to the doctor, “I’m his father.”

“And are all of these, your sons?” the doctor looked around at the Boys who stared seriously at him.

“No, I mean he thinks of them as his brothers.. But there’s no blood. Now I’m his father...”

“No you’re not,” Jane spoke icily from AJ’s shoulder, “You’re not anyone’s father.” She pulled away from AJ and approached the confused doctor, “I’m his mother. May I see him?” She wiped the tears from her eyes and tried to straighten herself up.

“Any more relatives?” the doctor asked raising his eyebrows.

Leslie and BJ waved sheepishly. They jumped up to join the crowd around the doctor, “We’re his sisters.”

The doctor blinked, “Oookay... The patient, Nickolas, is stable at the moment. He’s dehydrated, and malnourished for a man his height and age. Nickolas shows signs of having anorexia nervosa. Rare in males, but it happens. There were also signs of some drug abuse.”

Jane gasped at the drug abuse and Leslie took her hand.

“We know doctor,” Brian said, “He’s been staying with us, trying to get better... but some things happened to upset him.”

The doctor nodded, “He’s on an IV right now feeding him fluid intravenously. He’s still asleep, but he should wake up momentarily, if you would like to visit him you may.”

“Yes, yes,” Jane was nodding her head.

“Limited to one at a time,” the doctor warned, “And if there are any altercations all of you will be thrown out and denied access to the patient until further notice.”

“Yes sir.”

“Angel you have to get here. Just charge the ticket to Mom’s account,” Aaron was begging his twin sister. Angel was uncaring as she giggled loudly at what one of her friends was saying to her. “What was that again Aaron... Prissy, no! Pass me that shade. What time are they coming? I hope you invited David, he’s cute.”

“Angel will you just listen to me! Nick is in the hospital!” Aaron was practically yelling into BJ’s cell phone.

“Nick’s what... Prissy!”

“He’s sick, Angel. He may die!”

“Huh? They’re on their way! Listen Aaron I have to go,” Angel was saying, “Um... tell Nick I said hi! Bye!” The line disconnected leaving Aaron with a dial tone... A dial tone...

“That’s it,” Jane was pacing the living room, every once in a while looking at her watch, “That girl is out of this house! She’s been late for the last time!” Jane punched in the code for the alarm and retreated to her bedroom, never seeing Aaron sitting in the darkened hallway beside the front door. He stood up slowly and went for the phone. He dialed BJ’s cell phone number and listened to it ring. He had to tell her to get home, Mom really meant business this time. “Hello?” a male’s voice answered.

“Who? Is BJ there?” Aaron asked desperately.

“BJ? Bobbie? Yeah, yeah she’s dancin’ man,” the voice laughed.

“Can you get her? Tell her it’s Aaron,” Aaron said hopefully.

“No can do bud, she’s a dancin’ machine,” the low voice chuckled, “But I can take a message to her.. Who’s this again?”

“Aaron, her little brother. Tell her she has to come home.. Now.”

“Right, I’ll tell her, now why don’t you get to bed kid, ain’t it past your bed time?” the voice chuckled and then Aaron heard the dial tone.

“Well it’s past BJ’s bed time too...” Aaron muttered. He heard footsteps coming down the stairs. He watched to see who it was coming down. “Oh shit..” Aaron heard his brother’s voice laugh as he tripped on the last step, “When’d that get there?”

“Nick!”

“AAAAHHH!” Nick yelped jumping into the couch and nearly falling over, “Aaron, what are you doing down here?”

“Trying to get a hold of BJ, where are you going?” Aaron stared at Nick. His face was flushed and he looked rather wild, “I’m meeting Mandy at her hotel. We’re going out.”

“Are you ok?” Aaron stared at Nick. Nick’s eyes seemed glazed and he had trouble focusing on Aaron for more than a few seconds, his eyes kept roaming over to other things.

“I’m good bro, and I’m out, I’ll see ya,” Nick smiled and patted Aaron’s shoulder.

“Nick!” Aaron caught Nick’s arm as he tried to get by him.

“Whaa?”

“Find BJ while you’re out there, can you do that? Tell her to get home. Mom’s not playing, she really will kick her out of the house,” Aaron shuddered at the thought.

Nick frowned, “Yeah, whatever, if I see her. But BJ’s all grown up Aaron she can decide what she wants. Besides, if she gets the boot she’s always got Florida. See ya later kid.” With that Nick punched in the alarm code and left out the front door.

Aaron watched him leave, concerned about his brother driving. Aaron knew what wasted was, and that’s what his brother was, but he never recalled seeing his brother drink. He curled up on the couch holding the phone in his lap, forever ready for a phone call, from anyone. He fell asleep still holding the phone.

He was startled awake. He gazed at the wall clock 4:56... He rubbed his eyes, BJ’s had it. The alarm was turned off and Aaron could hear voices. He saw a flash of long brown hair. Brown hair? He saw a flash of blond. BJ. He shook himself awake and began stumbling his way through the dark to the quiet commotion being made. Aaron’s eyes widened as he saw BJ swaying slightly on her feet halfway supporting Nick who was draped over her shoulder. Nick’s girlfriend Mandy was on the other side helping to hold Nick up, “We gotta get him to bed.”

“What happened?” Aaron asked staring. Both girls jumped, “Aaron! What are you doing up?”

“Waiting for you,” Aaron said. He gently raised his brother’s drooping head. His face was pale and drawn, “What happened?”

“He had too much to drink,” Mandy said gruffly, “Help us get him to his room.”

“Ok,” Aaron said, moving behind Nick to take on some of his body weight when, “Well, well, well, Miss Bobbie Jean Carter... What in the hell? Nick?”

“Not Nick... Batman,” Nick uttered in a drowsy voice.

“He wasn’t feeling so well Mrs. Carter,” Mandy said, “We went out, and ran into BJ..”

“I know where BJ hangs out, and I hate to think that you would take my son there! I knew you were no good!” Jane spat at Mandy, “I want you out!”

“Mom, Mandy took such good care of Nick. He took her there Mom, but she kept him from...”

“Bobbie Jean, I will talk with you in the morning. Amanda Williford you are to set my son in that chair there, and you are to leave my house, and my son alone, for good!”

Mandy’s eyes widened incredulously, “You can’t...”

“I can,” Jane said venomously, “Now get out before I call the police!”

“Nicky, I have to go for a...”

“Put him down!” Jane charged forward and grabbed Nick under the arms. She then took on his full weight by herself and guided him to a chair. Nick slumped in the chair, his neck tilting back his head hanging over the back of the chair.

“Nicky, I have to go..” Mandy began again.

“GET OUT YOU TRAMP!” Jane screamed rushing at Mandy and shoving her back, she went for the phone.

“I am so sorry Mandy,” BJ was saying, “but you’d better go.”

Mandy’s eyes were red from tears and hurt, “Take care of him BJ, please...”

BJ nodded taking Mandy’s hands and squeezing them, “I will.”

“And take care of yourself as well.”

“I will, I promise,” BJ nodded she watched sadly as Mandy left. Aaron stared at the scene confused, what had just passed between the two women? Aaron didn’t know, but whatever it was had changed BJ. Changed her for the better. BJ went straight to Nick and leaned his head forward. She righted him in the chair and then stood him up.

“Bobbie Jean...”

“I’m taking him to bed Mother,” BJ said simply, “and then I’m going to bed. I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

Jane stared, her mouth nearly scraping the kitchen floor, “You bet we’ll talk,” she uttered. She looked at Aaron, “Go to bed.”

Aaron nodded, but remained where he was. He stayed there for the remainder of the night. Never sleeping... Someone had to watch out for this family, and that someone would have to be him...

“If you would like to make a call...” Aaron turned off the phone at the sound of the operator. “Someone has to watch out for this family,” he said weakly, “But why does that someone have to be me? I’m only 12...” He slid down the wall he was leaning against, letting his sister’s phone clatter to the floor, “I’m only 12...”

Chapter 35

“I don’t want to see anyone,” Nick was telling the doctor in front of him, “If I say they can’t come in, then they can’t, right?”

The doctor nodded, “But Mr. Carter your family has been waiting outside for a very long time for you to wake up. They are very worried...”

“Yeah, well they can worry outside,” Nick muttered folding his thin arms over his chest, “Hey, when can I get out of here?”

“We’ll discuss that later Mr. Carter, for right now I really want you to reconsider letting your family in to see you.”

“We’ll discuss it later, hold on? Just how long are you people planning to keep me here? And what’s in this thing?” Nick fingered the IV tube coming from his left arm. He shook the cord upsetting the bag hanging above him, its contents sloshed.

“Your vitamins Mr. Carter, it seems you haven’t been ingesting enough.”

Nick rolled his eyes, “I am 20 years old, you can’t tell me how to eat anymore than THEY can.”

“They know what’s best for you Mr. Carter as you apparently do not.”

“What are you babbling about, I know what’s best for me!” Nick was fuming. He ran his hands through his stringy hair and laid back on his pillows with a sigh. He felt drained and washed out, “What do I have to sign to get out of here.”

“Mr. Carter that’s out of the question right now. You couldn’t stand on your own if you tried. We’ll just have to wait a few days until you gain your strength back along with a few more pounds.”

Nick cringed at the word “pounds.”

“Now do you still not want me to...”

“Let them in and I will scream,” Nick said through barred teeth. He gripped the rails of the bed until his knuckled gleamed white with strain.

The doctor shook his head sadly, “Ok... but if you change your mind...”

“I won’t!” Nick growled.

Stupid doctor. He surveyed the sterile white room he was in. How nice they had gotten him one all to himself. Celebrity status, no doubt. He sighed.. He supposed he had been too hard when it came to visitors... maybe he should have let his brothers and sisters in. After all, it was only... Bob and Jane, he didn’t want to see. But then, he didn’t want anyone to see him like this. God he was pitiful. He was glad there was no mirror he could see his reflection in... He looked like shit and he knew it. But hell what did he care anymore? His thoughts changed dramatically from fretting over appearances to total apathy of his situation. Didn’t he decide a few hours ago that it all was just too much to bare? Didn’t he give up? He remembered now.. And when you give up, who cares about your appearance? He should call the doctor back and tell him to let them in, let them all in... he kept them out because of appearance but if he no longer cared... but then he also didn’t care enough to call the doctor.. Oh well. He sat in perfect silence, eyes traveling down the white blankets of the hospital bed tracing his thin form. He then began to play with his IV cord again. This thing was good for him right? He tugged at it lightly, wincing at the pain of the needle being pulled from his skin. He had to get rid of the thing, but it hurt too much to pull it out, and what if he ruptured something in the process... he might bleed all over the floor... He paused as he contemplated the idea. He smiled slightly and began tugging on the cord again, wincing each time at the pain.

He heard a knock at his door and stopped what he was doing, dammit, didn’t he say no visitors. The door opened slightly and a nurse slipped in, “Hello Mr. Carter, nice to see you awake.” She ventured to his bed side and calmly began to prep a needle.

“Hey, I got a needle already, why do I need another one?”

“Just taking some more blood Mr. Carter,” the nurse said dutifully taking Nick’s arm and prepping a spot on it with alcohol.

Nick groaned and let out a hiss as he was stuck with the needle, “Hey, how long do you think the doctor will try keep me here?”

The nurse frowned at Nick’s sallow appearance, “A few days at the least, but honey you don’t look good. You may want to stay a little longer than that or at least until we can get a good 15 to 20 pounds on you,” she giggled at that, “That could take a month.”

A month! Alarms went off in Nick’s head, a month of being stuck in this... this place, this hell! Hell...no.... He thought slowly. He sat patiently waiting for the nurse to finish up and leave, and once she did, he began his plot to get himself out of the mess everyone important to him in his life had gotten him into.

“He won’t see us?” Brian asked in a small voice. He collapsed on the chair behind him and wrung his hands together at the same time AJ began to pace, “Why not?”

The doctor shrugged, “He’s not ready for visitors.”

“He’ll never be ready for us,” Kevin muttered, “but I’ll be damned if we sit out here. Does he have total control of who goes in and out of there?”

The doctor nodded, “Yes, I’m afraid that he does. The only people that are allowed in are doctors and nurses.”

“You can make an exception though, in our case... Nicky needs us, regardless if he knows it, or admits it or not. He needs us with him,” Howie was saying trying to get the doctor in his favor. He had a way of swaying people to his side.

“It’s against our rules...”

“Doctor, Nick Carter is like my blood ok. I’ve known him since he was twelve, and whenever he has had a problem I have been there helping him through it. This.... that...” he pointed in the direction of Nick’s room, “is a problem, and I have no intention of changing my perfect past now because of you standing in my way. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pay Mr. Carter a visit,” Howard Dorough very proudly raised his chin and stepped past the doctor. Without looking back he proceeded on to Nick’s room.

“Well,” the doctor said,”Well....” he was speechless.

“That’s ‘Howie’ do it,” Brian joked lightly, getting a groan from the others for the bad joke.

“Lets go,” Kevin said standing up to follow Howie’s bold lead, the others rallying behind him, leaving a very stunned doctor in their dust.

Chapter 36

“He’s asleep,” Howie whispered to the others as they entered. Nick lie flat on his back with his eyes tightly shut. Brian frowned and fingered the IV. He looked at it’s place of insertion with a little concern at the redness of the area. He sighed and ran a hand through Nick’s damp hair, “This is the worst it’s gonna get kid. After we get you out of this one, there will be nowhere else to go but up. We’ll get out of this state, go somewhere fun that you’ll like. You‘ve always liked Spain, we can go there Frack. We can bring BJ with us, and if your parents agree, then maybe even Aaron or Leslie.”

“Hey Brian, care to make out-of-country plans with the rest of us first?” AJ cracked a grin at Brian. Brian shrugged, “I’ll take him if you guys can’t...”

“Hold on Brian,” AJ raised a hand, “I didn’t say we couldn’t. I said you hadn’t talked to us first. It sounds like a good idea bro. A change of scenery... company...”

“Yeah,” both Kevin and Howie agreed.

“Leighanne won’t mind,” Brian said to Nick, “In fact, she may even come along, and maybe Kevin can bring Kristen and you can meet her. Brent and Mandy may want to come. They’re your friends Nick. They called us a lot to ask about you.” Brian took a seat beside the bed and took Nick’s hand as he continued to talk.

Howie ran his hand over his face, “Sheesh Brian, he’s not in a coma. If you really want to make all those plans, give him a shake and wake him up.”

“Shut up Howie,” Brian said with a sly smile.

“He’s right cuz,” Kevin laughed, “Sounds like you got a whole vacation planned. Did you already call the travel agent?”

Brian rolled his eyes, “I will.” Brian turned to face the others his blue eyes serious, “We have to get him out of here and away from his parents. If we have to leave the state or the country, I’ll do it, we’ll do it. He’s gonna slip away from us if we stay guys... we’re gonna lose him.”

There was a silence. Everyone knew that was true. “When do you guys wanna schedule this trip?” Kevin asked softly, “They’ll probably discharge Nick in a few days, maybe be we can do it then. I’ll have to call Kristen and ask her today, and Brian you’ll have to let Leighanne know.”

Brian was nodding.

“And I can put in the call to Mandy and Brent,” AJ was saying with a nod.

“Are we gonna tell the Carters what we’re doing?” Howie asked.

“No way,” AJ said, “They’ll ruin everything. We’ll just go. BJ’s legal, and she has a passport, she can come with no problem. We’ll just have to break the news to Aaron and Leslie that they can’t come with us.”

“They’re gonna be pissed,” Brian said with a groan, “but there’s no other way.” He slouched in the chair looking much older than his twenty-five years, his weariness showing clearly in his posture.

“I guess we should start making the plans now. I’m gonna get to a phone and find out about the traveling fees and hotels and things,” Kevin was already trying to make a list of things to do. He yawned, but tried to stifle it. He didn’t want anyone to see just how tired he really was, or how scared...

Plans and things to do seemed to be buzzing around or rather above Howie’s head. He snickered slightly and watched as his friends all crowded to the door. They were halfway out before they stopped and turned to see Howie, “I’ll stay and watch over Nicky. You guys go on.”

Brian smiled, “We’ll be back in a little while D, get some rest.”

Howie smiled tiredly back and collapsed in the chair Brian had pulled up beside Nick’s bed, “That is what I am gonna do Bri. Nicky’s not the only one that needs a nap.” Howie sighed and stood up over Nick for a minute, pulling up his blanket and pushing his hair out of his pale face, “We’re gonna take care of you bro, don’t worry.” He sat back down and settled into the chair. He took Nick’s hand in his and massaged it until he fell asleep. The first real sleep he’d had in the past two weeks; he didn’t know just how exhausted he really was.

Nick opened one eye and then the other. They were all gone, except Howie... but Howie slept like a damn rock. Nick smirked a bit. Spain...they wanted a vacation, a vacation on him. They cared, Nick knew, they cared a lot. Nick actually felt a little regret as he thought about how they may feel after... well afterwards. But the pleasurable thoughts of his parents in pain, blaming each other, maybe even crying, feeling sorry about what they had done, overwhelmed any sorrow he felt for his friends, his brothers... his siblings. He scoped his IV cord and fingered it again. He needed something sharp. He would think in a hospital he could find something sharp enough to... He spied Howie sleeping in the chair beside his bed. He sat up slowly and leaned towards Howie. Howie always kept his keys chained to his belt, or his pockets... Keys could be sharp. Nick’s eyes searched Howie and quickly spotted the gleam of Howie’s gold and silver keys. He carefully removed then from Howie’s belt. He sorted through the keys trying to find one with ridges sharp enough to.. Hello? What’s this? He pulled up a miniature key chain with a peculiar design, it looked like a... a, “A pocket-knife nail file,” Nick chuckled, “Howie, you’re the greatest.” He felt the blade, it would cut. He carefully brought his left arm into his lap toying with the IV wire. This was it... this was his moment. He felt the tears running down his face, all his pain and troubles... all the hell of his life would be left behind. The mistake will be corrected. Sure the guys, his brothers and sisters would be sad for a while... but they’d get over it. They’ll know it wasn’t their fault... he knew they knew that. But his parents, he felt his hands ball into fists, how he hated them, and if they had their way he’d be locked away somewhere. His father already had the police in the matter. He couldn’t let them continue making him feel like shit... he had to do this. To prove a point to them....to get back at them, make them sorry.. Oh he would make them sorry alright.... His shaky right hand took the file and began its work sawing the IV cord. The work was tedious and time consuming. Come on, someone could come in at any moment.. He shot a nervous glance at Howie and continued on feverishly with his work. After twenty minutes he lie back, there. It was done. He sat up again slowly after his little rest to examine his work. A nice puncture had been made in his cord. Clear fluid ran over the edges and spilled onto the bed creating a wet stain on his thigh... he giggled, in death people may think he had been experiencing a wet dream. Funny how he could joke about death this way... He wondered what would happen to him, where he may go. He heard that suicides never made it to Heaven... but right now he wasn’t sure he believed in Heaven... and the only Hell he knew of was the one he was in now. Whatever other Hell that could be in store for him couldn’t be much worse. He shuddered, thinking about a place worse than here. He took a deep breath, “God if you’re up there, please forgive me... and... and let my brothers and sisters always know that I love them. And take of them for me please...” More tears escaped his eyes, his moment of freedom, also became his moment of judgement. What are you gonna do Nick? Can you do this? Can you? Are you afraid? Are you a....?

“Shut up!” Nick hissed, “I’m not afraid...” and in that instant he passed his judgement, he made his decision. He raised the cord to his lips and took a breath, here goes. He pressed his lips to the tube, and blew hard, he lie back wondering how long would it take.... how long would it...

Howie woke up to the wail of a heart monitor, and the noises of doctors and nurses bustling into the room. They knocked Howie out of the way and surrounded Nick’s bed. They were trying to resuscitate him... Howie gasped, “Oh my God.... Please God this is not happening, I am not losing him!” Howie tried to fight through the doctors and nurses to throw himself on Nick and protect him... if the doctors couldn’t do anything Howie would save him... someone save him. He’s 20, he’s only 20! “DO SOMETHING!” Howie was shrieking, “WHY AREN’T YOU DOING SOMETHING!”

The monitor continued to wail and Howie could see nothing through the thicket of medical personnel. “Oh God...” Howie was hyperventilating, he couldn’t see straight. The floor was getting closer and closer to his face. He felt a hand on his shoulder, people trying to help him. He felt himself being sat down and his shirt collar being unbuttoned. He heard more screaming, it sounded like AJ... AJ, help Nick, the doctors are stupid... Why won’t they turn the machine off, the one making that horrible noise?

“What the hell happened?” AJ was screaming, “Howie! Howie what happened?! What the hell happened?!”

“Sir we have to ask you to...”

“NO! YOU TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON! HE’S NOT DEAD, HE’S NOT!”

Howie’s eyes opened and for a brief second he could see clearly... and he saw Nicky... his little brother... lying perfectly still on the bed, and then a doctor pulling the white sheet over his head, covering his body.

God no, no, no, no....

Chapter 37

White flowers arranged in a ring lay upon the dark paneled coffin. The preacher’s words of God’s goodness and grace, and a plea of forgiveness for his sins...

“Who’s sins Preacher, who’s?” Brian wondered sadly as he clutched the hand of his fiancé, who squeezed back. Leighanne handed him another Kleenex, the tears just wouldn’t stop flowing. He turned his tear-stained face to look down the row of fold out chairs containing his Backstreet brothers and their loved ones. They all seemed to share the same grief. Poor Howie, he was taking it the hardest of all... He blamed himself, Nick had used his key chain. Brian wanted to reach out to him, but found that he couldn’t. No one could reach out to him, Howie’s eyes just couldn’t see past his personal guilt. Brian shook his head, he of course had blamed himself. Why hadn’t he stayed? He knew how tired Howie had been, he was even the one who told him to take a nap. Why didn’t they all blame him? Loud sobs from the front row shook Brian from his thoughts. Nick’s family sat there.

Jane and Bob Carter, the ones Nick wanted to get back at with his... action that took his life, sat stiff and rigid. Their pale faces and eyes staring straight ahead at the casket in front of them. They did not sit by each other, but on opposite sides of the row. Bob and his new fiancé, a young woman of maybe 28, sat beside him. The children all sat with Jane. They blamed each other. The war for custody of the remaining Carter children waged on with a newfound ferocity. Neither one of them wanting to admit to their mistakes, instead they claimed it was the other’s influence and became obsessed with the idea that it would poison the other children...

The children... BJ had donned a pair of dark glasses to hide her red swollen eyes. She sat quietly folding the same kleenex she had been holding since the funeral in her lap, finding new complex shapes for it to form. She had nothing to say about what had happened. She hadn’t even blinked when she had been informed. All miserable people find their pleasure sooner or later, and Nick had found his... in death. Every now and again she would put her arm around her younger sister Leslie who sat doubled over in her lap sobbing quietly. She prayed for Nick’s soul, he had left this place in an attempt to flee life’s Hell, but ironically he may have just driven his way right into the real one. Angel, Angel the Barbie Doll, was the one who wailed and screamed in outrage, her older brother wasn’t dead. Nick couldn’t die, he was supposed to be there...for her! Her loud sobs filled the tent. Her twin brother Aaron sat beside her not offering her any form of comfort. He instead stared angrily at the coffin, at both his parents. He was alone now, he would never believe how selfish his older brother had been. How could he?

Brian rose with others, it was a small private service, only 30 to 40 people in attendance. Forming a rather thick line that was far from being single file, the attendants trekked from the large open tent area to the soil where Nick would be buried. It was at the first break of dirt that Aaron Carter finally broke down and cried. He had never cried, not even when he had heard what happened. He had been rather calm, consoling his sisters, calling Angel again... He never spoke a word about his brother to anyone, but everyone knew that he had been hurt deeply, and everyone wondered when was he gonna break. Both Bob and Jane Carter reached out to their youngest son, who dodged their arms and found his way to Brian. Brian opened his arms and gave Aaron the hug he wouldn’t accept from him days before. Leighanne stepped aside to let Kevin, AJ, and Howie through. They stood beside Brian, not making any moves to comfort Aaron, but yet trying to ease him with their nearby presence. They all stood in silence watching the grave diggers throw back shovel after shovel of the precious dirt that would soon be claiming the body of their loved one. The preacher continued to speak, his words reflecting off Brian as he concentrated on the parting dirt, on the dark coffin, on the head of blond hair in his arms. He remembered when Nick had been Aaron’s age... he remembered holding him when he was homesick, when he was scared... Now who would hold him? Brian prayed that God would... he prayed that God would accept and take Nick, even after what he had done. That was one of the first things Brian had done when he was told... he got down on his knees, on Nick’s bed, over his lifeless body, and prayed for his redemption.

Kevin watched the tedious work of the diggers intensely, for if he didn’t watch them, then he would have to look at the others. That was almost too much for him to bear. He hadn’t been able to help Nick, he couldn’t save his little brother and he couldn’t help but think it was his fault. How did he ever let it get this bad? Why hadn’t he noticed earlier that Nick needed help. He had toured with the boy for a year and hadn’t noticed a damn thing... Nick had lost 30 pounds on that tour when no one cared enough to give each other the time of day. Kevin watched the tapes of the old Millennium tour. He noted the drastic changes in Nick’s appearance in shock... he had lived right under this kid for months and couldn’t see that he was hurting... he never noticed the rapid weight loss, the dark circles under his eyes, the fake smiles.. Yes, the fake ones.

The night of Nick’s passing Kevin had gone crazy digging up every picture, every video he had ever had, that might show him an image of HIS Nick. The happy smiling Nick with the endless bundles of energy. The one that drove him crazy and sometimes made him so angry he could scream. He’d give anything to have Nick annoy him like crazy, testing out new ways to make him scream. He grinned thinking about the time Nick had put itching powder in his bunk. He remembered how mad he had gotten, but the wicked smile on Nick’s face had been priceless... just like his life had been... because Kevin had all the money anyone could ever wish to have and he would gladly give it all in exchange for Nick’s life... but his money just wasn’t enough.

AJ stood trembling, huddling beside Kevin’s tall frame. He just couldn’t seem to get warm. He wiped at his cheek again as another tear escaped the confines of his sunglasses. Nick was dead... Nick, little Nick the video game champion, the one who daydreamed about being in the NBA, the one who had once proclaimed his love for Amanda Williford to a whole ocean while he, AJ, and Brian were sailing on his boat. That kid, that carefree blond goof-ball of a kid, was going in the ground today... cause he thought his life wasn’t worth living. Who was made to think his life wasn’t worth living. AJ shook his head, images of Nick laughing and clowning around, spouting some ridiculous sonnet that made no sense as an explanation for why he did the crazy things he could do sometimes. Nick, the water baby, complaining when he was made to leave the pool or the ocean. Nick, the one notorious for his stupid answers during interviews, the one who could find something to laugh at in anything. AJ frowned, he sure couldn’t find anything funny about this though. His eyes darted to the dark coffin that now contained Nickolas Carter’s shell. The sounds that had come from him when he realized that Nick was gone and there was nothing anyone could do about it frightened even him. He never knew he could cry that hard, or care that much. Nick had been the baby brother none of them ever had, and they had been the big brothers Nick never had. He sighed as he thought about that, being an older brother came with certain responsibilities. AJ supposed he hadn’t always been a good influence. He chuckled about the time he tried to teach Nick how to smoke when he was 16. AJ really got it when Howie had come out looking for them and saw what they were up to. His own mother had never yelled at him in that way.

“What’s so funny AJ?” Kevin’s soft husky voice tickled in his ears. AJ jumped a bit before turning his head slightly, “I was just thinking about that time I tried to teach Nick how to smoke.”

Kevin stared at AJ incredulously through red eyes, he smiled lightly, “He was so sick afterward he promised never to smoke again.”

AJ nodded, “I taught him a valuable lesson that night.”

“You did,” Kevin said with a nod, putting his arm around AJ’s trembling shoulders and pulling him closer as AJ began to cry.

Howie watched AJ break down again on Kevin and watched Kevin hold him. Howie shook his head and watched his brothers, the dirt breaking, and most of all the casket. The guilt was eating at him hungrily. The guilt for Nick’s suicide. He didn’t know.. How could he know? Everyone had said to him... but Howie knew that if he hadn’t of been the one to stay, if he had been awake, no one would have to be here. They would be in Spain somewhere watching a sunrise, staring at the ocean... NOT STARING AT A COFFIN WITH THE DEAD BODY OF A TWENTY-YEAR OLD INSIDE OF IT! He wanted to throw a tantrum, he wanted to pound the ground, shake a tree, kick open that casket and let Nick out. Let him sit up and brush the dirt from his tuxedo... He shut his eyes tight as tears squeezed out of them. Nick had looked as if he were sleeping...make up had brought out a small flush in his cheeks and an evenness in his skin tone that was almost inhuman in its beauty. His blond hair was arranged neatly with a few strands of it falling into his closed eyes... Those gray blue eyes Howie longed to see again, but a thin thread kept those eyes from opening. A thread kept those soft pink lips from ever parting to draw a breath again. With one look at his body, Howie knew he was gone, and he would never have his Nicky again. No more yelling in the night because Nick was losing his battle with his Play Station. No more waking up to plastic spiders on his pillow, and half eaten pieces of candy in his mouth. He bowed his head as his shoulders shook again with sobs. He felt arms going around his shoulders, he looked up to see AJ and Kevin both trying to stifle their tears so that they could console Howie with his. He didn’t want to be here.... he didn’t want this.

“Oh God,” Aaron’s brown eyes widened in horror as he realized the diggers had completed their task. They were now walking to the wooden box that contained his brother... his brother! They were going to put his brother in the cold ground... Nick wouldn’t like that! Nick wouldn’t like it at all! It would be dark in the box and even darker once placed in the ground. He was gonna be so scared, they hadn’t even given him a light! They couldn’t do this! Aaron broke free of Brian and began running towards the casket, the diggers were placing it in the crypt above the grave they had dug. He felt hands trying to grab him but he ducked past them. He made it to the casket and fought to open it, he would go too. Nick wouldn’t be alone, Nick didn’t like the dark and certainly wouldn’t like to be in it alone. Aaron would just have to come too. He opened the lid just before he felt someone’s arms close around his waist and begin to lift him away, “NO!” he began to scream. Nick lie on the white silk looking like a pale blond angel, his blond hair gleaming, and his fair skin taking on an ethereal glow from the reflections of the sunlight off the white silk. In his hands, was a small bouquet of roses. A gold necklace, his famous gold necklace with the anchor charm, hung around his neck. Aaron’s hands grabbed for something, anything on the casket, his brother... he couldn’t be taken away from him. His fingers closed on the necklace and he grimaced as the delicate chain broke. Aaron was wrenched away from his brother’s casket holding the anchor and partial chain from the broken necklace. The casket was closed again, and locked. Aaron cried as he realized the man who had pulled him away was his father! His father, the cause of all of this! He punched Bob in the stomach as soon as he put him down and ran away, he ran as far from the burial site as he could get. He crouched under a tree by a small headstone and there he stayed until Howie came to get him.

Howie stared after Aaron’s retreat in pain. He saw Brian try to chase him and stop. He sobbed freely in his fiancé’s arms. AJ and Kevin were at Brian’s side now. They all watched in silence as Aaron’s scene played out. Oh Aaron... Howie thought sadly, now he felt he had to be the man in the family, permanently. Howie blinked back a tear. Soft gasps were heard from behind as the coffin was now being lowered into the ground.

Mandy and Brent were the first to step forward and throw roses on the coffin as it sunk into the earth, followed by Jane Carter and Nick’s sisters. Then Bob and his fiancé. Last came the Boys, Nick’s surrogate older brothers. They, instead of roses, threw seashells. Nick had loved the ocean, and they wanted him to take a little part of it with him. After the coffin finally stopped its descent the preacher spoke a few more words and tossed in the final rose. After that the funeral was over, that was it. Howie watched as people began to file out, like they had just attended the movies... or a concert! He turned back and watched as the diggers began to throw dirt on Nick’s coffin, burying the pretty roses that had been so lovingly thrown on the top. “I hope you’ve found your peace now Nicky,” Howie whispered. He looked up to see a “V “ of white birds flying overhead and a sea of storm clouds drifting in from the bay... “Good bye.”

Howie slipped away from the grave only to run into Brian, Kevin, and AJ, “Wanna sing something to him Howie?” AJ asked softly.

“Like what?” Howie frowned, “and please don’t say Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely.”

Brian smiled slightly, “No, lets sing something he would like.”

“How about our first song guys?” Kevin said cracking a smile, “Lets see if he remembers this one.”

AJ laughed lightly, “I’m not even sure I remember it Kev.”

“Lets try anyway,” Brian said. The Boys stumbled over and went into the chorus of “Tell Me That I’m Dreaming.” They stopped and sang all together for Nick’s parts. They grinned at what a pip squeak he used to be, and smiled as they heard his high pitched voice in their minds. That’s how they wanted to remember Nick, happy, smiling, young... Back in the good old days when singing and performing had been fun and the responsibility had been lax.

They got a few applause by some people leaving the burial that had stopped to listen to the performance. They smiled and walked together, heading towards the limousine, but Howie broke away, telling them to wait for him, he’d be back. Howie scouted out the cemetery finally finding what he was looking for. Aaron sat hugging the small necklace to his chest, large tears rolling down his face. His suit was a mess streaked with dirt and grass stains. “Aaron.”

Howie approached him. Aaron looked up trying to wipe away the tears and succeeding in leaving dirty smudges on his cheeks.

“It’s time to go.”

Aaron nodded and stood up. He took a deep breath and sighed, “He doesn’t like the dark Howie... He’s gonna hate it in there.”

Howie shook his head, “Aaron, Nick’s not in there. He’s somewhere else, in a better place, where he can watch over all of us.”

“Leslie said he was going to go to hell...”

Howie blinked, Leslie had said that, “No, Aaron. Hell is for bad people, and Nick wasn’t bad, he just made a mistake... and God will forgive him. He’s ok now, Aaron, and he’s always gonna be here with you to look after you.”

Aaron rolled his eyes, “I am not a 6 year old Howie! I don’t believe in that shit anymore! I don’t believe in anything,” Aaron’s eyes were dark and empty. “I gotta go Howie, I gotta family to take care of now.” Aaron walked away with his shoulders slumped and his head down, and Howie didn’t try to stop him. He knew he couldn’t...

He looked down at the ground where Aaron had been sitting and noticed a glint of gold. He bent down to retrieve it, it was Nick’s anchor necklace... He squeezed its warmth in his hand and tucked it away in his breast pocket, “Maybe I couldn’t save you Nick, and I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the most... But I can be there for Aaron and BJ, and Leslie, and Angel. I’ll watch over them Nick, I’ll save them... It’s what I can do to make it up to you little brother, and don’t worry, I won’t let you down. Not again, not ever again.”

He raised his face to the sky as the first crackle of thunder made its roar heard. A trickle of rain touched his face and he held out his hands to receive a second, “I know you heard me Nick, and I hope you believe me. Have faith in me.”

His head turned slightly as he caught a flash of beige and the sight of AJ rushing towards him with an umbrella, “Geez, come on D, its starting to pour.”

“Yeah....” Howie nodded he ducked under the umbrella AJ was holding and walked away towards the limousine leaving the scenery of the cemetery behind. Please have faith in me Nick... Your family, is my family now, and I’ll stand in your place... Rest well brother, I hope you have everything you wanted now.

The End

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