Three

Looking back on lonely nights, searching for love again…I never knew my journey began and ended with you, my friend…Softer than your butterfly kisses and stronger than my desire…I wanna thank you, my friend, for making me feel alive…

AJ sat by the window, exhaling smoke through the screen. He didn’t know Lance’s rules on smoking in his apartment, and he wasn’t about to wake him up and ask. He looked over at Lance, who was fast asleep in the large bed. A beam of light from a streetlamp across the street poured over Lance’s pale face, making him look almost ghost-like. AJ smiled slightly, remembering how that smooth skin felt under his body. Lance looked like china, felt like silk, but he was strong.

AJ slowly slid the screen up and flicked the end of his cigarette down into the alley behind the building. He leaned his head against the window pane and closed his eyes. He didn’t know what in the world had made him come home with Lance on this hot summer night, but he was glad he had. Lance was everything he had needed, and for the first time in forever, he had felt needed, too. He and Lance were in such similar situations, though AJ was sure that Lance wasn’t watched the way AJ was. AJ was under constant scrutiny…no one wanted him making an ass out of himself again. AJ didn’t want that either…and he didn’t want to hurt or embarrass Lance in any way, shape, or form.

Lance’s eyes slowly fluttered open as something hit the floor with a dull thud. “Shit,” he heard AJ hiss.

“Hey.” Lance sat up, rubbing his eyes.

AJ looked up quickly. “Oh, hi. I…I dropped my shoe. Sorry.”

“You’re leaving?” Lance sounded shocked, hurt, and understanding all in one.

“Yeah, I, uh, we’re having a meeting early tomorrow,” AJ said, and it was true.

“Okay.” Lance stood up, totally comfortable in his nudity. He walked over to AJ. “Thank you…for tonight.”

“You, too,” AJ whispered. Lance leaned in and ever-so-lightly kissed AJ’s cheek.

“If you need anything, you call me, okay? Even if you just wanna talk about whatever. I’m a good listener…plus I’m on the outside of things, yet I know where you’re coming from.”

“I’ll remember that,” AJ said, smiling. “Bye.”

Lance looked out the window as the door closed behind AJ, wondering why in the world he felt empty inside.

Please tell me what you like, does that feel nice, give me a sign…If you love it, I can do it again, we’ve got the rest of the night to get it right…please tell me what you like, if that feels nice, give me a sign…If you love it, I can do it again, we’ve got the rest of our lives to get it right…

“This is Lance. Talk fast, I’m running for a plane,” Lance said into his cellphone as he jogged through LAX.

“This is AJ.”

Lance stopped running. “AJ, hi.”

“Are…are you…fuck, this is hard.” Lance was sure he heard AJ sniffle. “Um, where are you headed?”

“Back to Florida. I had some Happy Place movie stuff to take care of,” Lance told him. “Are you in Florida?”

“Yeah. I’m at home.”

“I really am running for a plane,” Lance said apologetically. “Your number is now stored in my phone. I’ll call the second we land, okay?”

“Thanks, Lance,” AJ said, then hung up.

Lance thought about AJ during the entire flight across the country. It had been two months since their night together, and he had heard from AJ exactly one time, and that was for ten minutes. The call was awkward, as if they both wanted to say something but couldn’t find a way to say it.

When the plane landed, Lance was back on his phone before he landed in the backseat of the rental car. The driver knew the address, so all Lance had to do was enjoy the ride. “AJ? Lance.”

“Hi.” AJ sounded even worse than he had before.

“Do you want me to come over?”

“Um, no, I’m sure you need to…”

“Do you want me to come over or not?” Lance snapped. He had dealt with melodramatic Justin for far too long to put up with drama from anyone else.

“Yes,” AJ sighed, and he rattled off his address. Lance hung up his phone, leaned forward, and informed the driver of his change in plans.

“Hey,” AJ said, opening the door. He smiled when he saw Lance and his three suitcases. “Moving in?”

“You’re not that lucky,” Lance said. He lugged the bags in, setting them down by the door.

“Hungry?” AJ asked.

“I could eat,” Lance admitted.

“I was just making some fajitas.” AJ led the way to the kitchen.

“Sounds great,” Lance said. He put a hand on AJ’s shoulder before AJ could go behind the counter. “Tell me,” he said quietly. “You’re not the type to sit alone and cry, AJ. What’s going on?”

AJ slowly turned around. “You’re right, I’m not, but this…” AJ waved a hand in the air. “We…we broke up.”

“I didn’t know you were seeing someone. I’m sorry,” Lance said lamely. AJ smiled.

“No…not like that. I’m single. WE broke up. The group.”

“You’re kidding.” Lance was shocked. Gossip flew all the time, but he had never believed it.

“Yeah, we’re done. No one is into it…and we don’t want to fight about it as we try to hold on. This way we all part as friends.”

“Shit.” Lance stared at AJ, realizing the seriousness of the situation. For years, AJ had been part of a tight little cocoon of brotherhood, and now he was out on his own for the first time. And even though AJ was a tough man, it was still a big upheaval in his life.

“So, uh, everyone’s all trying to understand, but they can’t. Not even my mom, so, you know, you came into my mind, and I’m sorry I bothered you, but…”

“Shh…” Lance put a finger on AJ’s mouth. AJ brought his lips together and gently kissed the tip. Their eyes met. “Let’s go upstairs,” Lance said softly.

AJ took Lance by the hand and led him up to his bedroom. Lance stood and waited, wanting AJ to take the lead. AJ unbuttoned Lance’s shirt and slid it from his body. He kissed Lance as his hands roamed. When they went to unbuckled Lance’s pants, Lance stopped him. “No,” Lance whispered. “This is about you.” Lance slowly and tantalizingly undressed AJ, following every bit of clothing with a trail of kisses. AJ was soon writhing on the bed.

“Thank you,” AJ whispered as he rolled them over to put Lance on his back.

It was still early in the evening, but AJ slept soundly. Lance assumed that he probably hadn’t been sleeping well lately. He slowly got out of bed, kissed AJ’s forehead, and got dressed. He found a piece of paper on the desk, and quickly scribbled a note before going downstairs to call a cab.

AJ felt the crinkle of paper against his cheek and woke with a start. He had rolled over to embrace Lance in his sleep, and instead found a note on the pillow. “AJ…I hope everything works out for you, and I’m really REALLY glad I was the one you called. You know if you need me, I’m here, but I can’t keep doing this. Either we get together or we stay apart. Already I feel something for you that I can’t understand, and I can’t be just a fuck for you when you’re lonely or hurting…I want to be there ALL the time or not at all. Yours, Lance.”

Four