Chapter 10
“Tony, Tony” Justin called softly, prodding his 3 year older
brother to wake up. Tony stirred but didn’t wake up.
“Tony!” he called a little louder, wanting his brother to wake
up, tears were streaming down his face but he tried to hold them in so he
wouldn’t wake anybody up which turned the sobs into hiccups.
“Tony” he whispered, a cold chill running down his spine as he
shifted nervously from one foot onto the other, praying Tony would wake up
soon. He’d chosen Tony over his other two brothers since Tony was closest to
him in age and mostly kind to him, well kindest. Andy would throw him out his
room immediately and Peter would make fun of him so he went to Tony although
knowing he would be hardest to wake up. The boy in the bed groaned and rolled
over.
“Ah Justin! What do you want?” Tony asked annoyed.
“I… I… was…. I was…” Justin stuttered through his sobs, his
lower lip trembling.
“What?” Tony whined as he closed his eyes in annoyance and the
urge to sleep to great to fight.
“I… I … I had… had a bad dream…. and… and…. I’m … scared”
Justin managed to say in between little gasps for air, sobs and hiccups. Tony
groaned.
“Justin there is nothing to be afraid of, go to sleep” he said
somewhat kindly but the last part came out more urgently. Tony then turned away
from Justin and left Justin standing at the side of the bed, clutching his
teddy bear while the tears continued to flow. Minutes later Tony had dozed off
again and Justin listened to him lightly snoring. He swiped his pajama sleeve
under his nose before he skittishly turned around, carefully looking
around the room to make sure it was safe. He glanced back over his shoulder to
Tony for a second while biting his bottom lip. He looked around the room once
more before ducking his head towards his teddy bear clutched between his arms
and his chest.
“You will keep me safe, right Timmy?” Justin whispered softly,
trying to build up some courage to crawl back into his bed.
In his head he heard Timmy say yes and he kept a firm hold on his
‘friend’ as he said, “Hold on Timmy” before he launched himself onto his bed,
carefully avoiding the side of the bed which was open and all that was staring
back at him was a black void.
God only knows what lived there; monsters, scary spiders,
snakes and more so he made it a point to not step within a feet off the bed
when it was dark. He landed in the middle of his bed and quickly crawled to the
head, pulling back the covers he got in without releasing the bear for one
second. He curled himself into a ball around his friend Timmy who was still
close to his chest. He looked around the room for the final time, making sure
nothing was there to get him. When he was satisfied he ducked his head towards
his friend, kissing the top of his head he whispered,
“Goodnight Timmy, I love you”
***
“Alright Andy, we’re leaving now. We’ll be back around 1, make
sure Justin goes to bed at 8. The phone number where we’ll be is by the phone”
“K, dad” Andy nodded.
“Bye” their parents waved before going to the front door. Andy
walked with them and shut the door behind them, locking it carefully before he
sat back on the couch till he heard the engine of the car fade away. He reached
for the phone to his right and quickly dialed a familiar number.
“Alright, coast is clear” he said into the phone before he hung
right back up. Justin glanced from the TV to his brother with a questioning
look on his face,
“Who did you call?”
“None of your business” Andy simply told his nine years younger
brother before he got up and walked towards the hallway to get his shoes. He
sat back on the couch once he’d retrieved his shoes and pulled them on. Justin
silently stared at his brother, wondering what he was up to, wanting to ask
where he was going.
“You’re gonna leave me all by myself?” Justin asked fearful. It
was already dark outside and he still wasn’t a big fan of the dark. Tony and
Peter were both staying with a friend but seven year old Justin wasn’t that
much of a social boy. He was pretty shy and his brother’s rejections hadn’t
done much good to his self esteem, thinking no one ever wanted to play with him
he was content to play with the imaginary friends, his stuffed animals and the
Barbie’s at school. It was safer for his feelings and he was used to play by
himself. Now that his parents were visiting friends they’d left Justin with
Andy and the prospect of staying behind alone terrified little Justin.
“Get over yourself” Andy scolded.
“You’re old enough to take care of yourself and you’re
definitely old enough to stop being afraid of the dark” Andy told his younger
brother without even blinking.
Justin swallowed hard; he didn’t want to appear to be a wuss if
he said he still was afraid of the dark.
Wouldn’t that be great teasing material for his brothers?
So he didn’t argue on his brother’s statement although Andy
already saw by the look on his brother’s face that he was still afraid of the
dark. Well tough he thought. He will just have to learn to live with that, he’s
not going to ruin my chance to go out! He got up and shrugged into his jacket.
“Lock the door, don’t open the door to anyone, go to bed at 8
and not a word to mom and dad, understand?” Andy told him fiercely. Justin was
now propped up on his knees on the couch as he listened to his brother instructions.
He nodded frantically, afraid to anger his oldest brother.
“Good, don’t forget that” Andy reminded him with a glare that
sent shivers down Justin’s spine. He heard honking outside and Andy quickly
turned, grabbed his keys and with a glare he was out the door. Justin padded
towards the window, watching as his brother got in a car that sped off moments
later. Justin watched for a while till he could no longer see the car, only
then did he slowly turn around and look around the room. He walked back towards
the couch, firmly grasped his teddy bear with the idea that at least he would
keep him safe…
***
“It wasn’t that bad!”
Justin heard his mother’s voice at the front door and curled
himself into a ball on the couch.
“Yes it was, why do we even go to these people? They always
think their better than us”
He heard his father’s angry voice from the porch and he tightly
closed his eyes to pretend he was asleep. He heard his mother sigh and then the
lock flipped and the door swung open. They stepped into the hallway and after a
few moments he heard footsteps in the living room. His mother poked her head
over the couch and saw her youngest curled up on the couch, also noting he was
pretending to be asleep.
“Justin?” she prodded to give him an excuse to wake up.
“Wake up, baby” she said gently, walking around the couch to
sit down in front of him. Justin heard the soothing, gently voice but he didn’t
want to open his eyes, scared he would get in trouble or worse that Andy would
get in trouble since he was still not back yet. After another encouragement
from his mother to get him to wake up he reluctantly opened his eyes and tried
his best to pretend he just woke up and was still sleepy from getting pulled
out of his sleep.
“Where is your brother?” she asked immediately, a little bit
concerned as she scanned the room and also noted she didn’t hear anything
coming from upstairs where his room was. Although she knew he wouldn’t be up
there; he knew better than to leave his brother alone downstairs. Justin yawned
as an escape but his mother’s features hardened when she noticed he was
avoiding the question.
“Justin” she warned. He closed his mouth immediately realizing
his yawn didn’t look convincing.
“Where is your brother, Justin?” his mother asked sternly.
Justin didn’t answer; Andy had told him not to say anything but
his mother seemed pretty angry with him already and he hadn’t even done
anything!
“I… I… he… he…” Justin stuttered, not wanting to get Andy into
trouble but at the same time trying to avoid getting in trouble himself. His
mother raised her eyebrows and he sighed defeated.
“He told me not to tell” he whined, hoping she would let it go
now but he knew it hadn’t been the smartest answer when his mother’s eyes
clouded with anger.
“What could you not tell?” his mother insisted. Justin tried to
stall as long as possible but eventually had to give in, he opened his mouth to
answer but the front door opening cut him off. His mother stood and reached
Andy in three steps.
“Where did you go?” she asked angrily. Andy looked over her
shoulder towards Justin who quickly averted his eyes when he noticed Andy
glaring at him.
“I… um… I went… to … um” he stuttered trying to think of
something he could get away with but he couldn’t think of anything. It was only
11.30 pm and he’d planned to be home long before his parents; now here they
were. How could that be?
“Don’t lie to me young man” his mother told him sternly.
“I went out with Robert” he softly admitted.
“You were supposed to watch your brother!” his mother yelled.
“I know, I’m sorry” Andy said softly.
“That’s not good enough Andy, what if something had happened?!”
she exclaimed.
“What is going on here?” his father asked, making his
appearance after he’d gone upstairs to change into something more comfortable.
“Andy left Justin here all by himself to go out with a friend”
his mother informed him.
“You did what?!” his father asked, his voice rising with anger
while Justin just curled himself into a tighter ball. Afraid of the loud voices
and the anger directed towards his brother.
“I’m sorry” Andy said quickly almost frantically.
“You should be!” his father yelled, “Dear you go upstairs I’ll
handle this” he addressed his wife who nodded in response, shooting a glare in
Andy’s direction before walking up the stairs.
Justin slowly got up, hoping he could disappear before his
father would explode but his father caught his movement.
“You stay right there”
***
He bend Andy over his knee, angry as hell he brought his right hand
forcefully on his son’s behind making him stifle a scream. Justin was forced to
watch, as he sat on the couch with his knees drawn up to his chest and the
tears streaming down his face. Andy would be mad at him forever and an eternity
after that he thought miserably as he caught Andy’s hard glare. After the fifth
struck, Andy couldn’t contain his screams any longer and Justin cringed, he
quickly put his little hands over his ears to ward off the screams but they
reached his ears nevertheless. He just prayed it would be over soon.
***
“You tattled” Andy stated as he limped inside the room of his
two younger brothers the next afternoon. Tony quickly made his exit, having
heard what happened in the night he’d gone off to a friend and now he
understood Andy wouldn’t exactly be friendly with Justin. Not wanting to be
apart of that he quickly disappeared leaving Justin behind scared shitless and
Andy angry as never before. Justin dropped his favorite Barbie he’d been
playing with and fearfully glanced up at his brother, trying to judge what he
was going to do.
“I didn’t tell mom and dad, I swear” Justin whispered
carefully, eyeing his brother to show him he was telling the truth.
“Didn’t I tell you not to tell mom and dad and be in bed by 8?”
Andy asked him almost calmly.
Justin nodded, waiting.
“Do you think you need to be punished?” Andy asked after
getting the right answer from Justin. Justin eyes widened in fear,
“Andy, I didn’t tell them really I didn’t, I’m sorry” he cried
frantically.
Andy nodded once, uncrossing his arms as he started towards the
bed. He sat down, suppressed a wince and looked at Justin,
“Come here” he instructed. Justin hesitated, looking from his
brother to the floor and back, trying to judge him.
What would he do?
Should I listen to him?
“Come here Justin” Andy repeated fiercer. Justin scurried to
his feet and slowly walked towards his brother. He stood in front of him hands
grasped together in front of him, biting his bottom lip as his lip quivered in
fear. Andy grabbed him harshly and placed him over his left knee before Justin
even had the chance to react.
“I think you need to feel what I felt when you ratted me out”
Andy told his younger brother as he brought his right hand on Justin’s exposed
skin. Justin cried out in pain and tears sprung in his eyes, he squirmed
heavily when the second blow hit his behind but the arm firmly wrapped around
his waist prevented him from going anywhere. Andy struck him three more times
before he released his brother. It hadn’t been as much as he’d gotten from his
father but this would get the message to Justin anyway. Justin fell to the
floor as the restraining arm fell away and landed on the sore skin of his
behind, causing a sting to shoot through his little body.
Andy stood up showingly, making sure Justin was watching as he
walked to the door. He turned around, glared at him and without another word he
closed the door. Justin curled up into a tight ball on the floor, as best as he
could from the stinging pain coming from his behind.
He sobbed openly, asking what he’d done wrong to disserve this?
What he did wrong which made his brothers hate him?
What did he
ever do to them? .....
***
“Can I come with you?” Justin asked hopeful as he saw Peter
going to the front door. He jumped up from his spot on the floor and ran
towards his older brother, hoping he would say yes.
“This isn’t for babies” Peter told him simply as if that would
explain it.
“But Petey I’m almost 11” Justin argued, feeling very old
already thinking now that he was past 10 his brother would include him more in
their games.
“So? You’re not old enough, just go play with your Barbie’s or
something” Peter told him harshly, he was 15, he had no time for his baby
brother. Justin’s face fell and the hopeful smile on his face disappeared
immediately. Peter turned swiftly and went out the door without a second
glance.
Justin stared after him, wishing he could be apart of his
brother’s world, just one brother would be enough, just one. His lower lip
trembled and he felt the tears well up in his eyes. He swiped an arm under his
running nose before turning around. He went back to his Barbie’s, miserably
he’d been rejected yet once again. That was another thing his brothers teased
him about; he played with girl toys. He liked playing with Barbie’s, it wasn’t
that he liked to dress them up and everything, the thing he liked with Barbie’s
was that he could create his own little dream world. Fantasize about a world
only he would be allowed in and the people that were nice to him and there they
would live happily ever after. It was his story, his world. His Barbie’s and
stuffed animals where his imaginary family, the family that were nice to him,
loved him and
made him feel wanted, included him in all the secrets and fun stuff that
went on. He picked up his favorite one; it looked a little like him.
“Pete can I come with you?” he asked, moving the Barbie as if
it walked and talked, gesturing with the hands before he picked up another one,
changing his voice somewhat he said,
“Sure Justin, that would be cool”…..
***
“Sweetie, you really have to stop drinking this isn’t going to
solve anything”
“Shut the fuck up! Did I ask you for your opinion?!”
“You have no right to talk to me that way!”
“I have every right, I’m the man of this house!”
“Fuck you!”
Fifteen year old Justin was curled up on the couch, his eyes
tightly closed and his hands over his ears to block out the angry screams of
his parents. As the door slammed shut, indicating his mother’s departure, he
dared to open his eyes, slowly. He glanced around the room and saw his father
sitting in his chair; a beer in his hand as he was staring at the TV blankly.
He’d been sitting in that chair for a couple of months now.
Always in the same chair, with the same _expression in his eyes
and the same can of beer in his hands.
That was after his mother had forbid his father to gamble and
till Justin’s surprise his father had actually listened. About a year ago his
father came home with the angry announcement that he got fired. Justin never
found out why but that wasn’t important so he really didn’t bother to ask. His
father had started drinking after a couple of weeks of unsuccessful job
interviews and it only got worse after that since his father got frustrated and
thought it would be a good idea to start gambling. That would get the food back
on the table but drinking and gambling was never a good combination and it was
proved right. His father lost a lot of money, more than they had. His mother
finally put an end to it when the bank came by and demanded to see money. She’d
ordered him to stop gambling and he did after she asked,
“Do you want us to end up on the street?!”
That had been the end of his gambling days but it was no where
near the end of the gambling debt he’d built up in those short few months. His
mother was working a lot to pay off their debts but although his father had
caused it he didn’t do shit about it, he just sat in his chair with a beer can
in his hand. Andy and Peter had both left the house; going off to college when
they were eighteen and Justin was miserably happy to see them leave. It might
get better he’d thought hopefully and it did, for about a year.
“What are you looking at?” his father growled taking a swig of
his beer. Justin blinked, getting out of his thoughts. He hadn’t even noticed
he’d been staring at his father the whole time.
“Get out of here, go do you homework or something” his father
instructed sternly and Justin quickly nodded before he scrambled off the couch
and ran up the stairs to his bedroom. He plumped down on the bed and grabbed
Timmy out from under his pillow and hugged him to his chest; the only safe
person in his life.
***
“Dad?” Justin called cautiously as he stepped inside the house.
He could hear loud thuds from outside and was worried what was going on. He
dropped his backpack by the stairs and continued into the house.
“Dad?” he called again. Another loud thud and Justin quickly
walked into the living room.
Before he could even see what was going on he was met a vicious
backhander across the face. It caught him totally off guard and he soon lost
his footing and fell to the floor. He was sprawled out in front of his father
who stood over him. Justin brought his hand up to cup his face as he stared
into the flaring eyes of his father. He kicked him in the stomach and Justin
doubled over in pain. He was still in shock it was his father who had struck
him. He looked up fearfully, finally noticing the true look in his eyes; he was
drunk. He was wasted and didn’t know what he was doing.
“Dad” Justin softly called, the pain in his stomach making it
hard to call out louder but it was no use. His father landed another kick in
his already painful abdomen and he stifled a scream.
“Dad” he tried again, cringing from the pain as he did so,
hoping to make him see that he was hitting his own son but he couldn’t get
through. The haze of his drunken and furious state clouding his mind. Justin
curled into a fetal position to ward off the punches and kicks to the best of
his ability.
Several bruises later the kicks and punches suddenly stopped,
Justin slowly dared to bring his head up, out of his safe place and glanced
around the room. He saw his father sprawled out next to him; passed out from
the toxic alcohol.
Justin breathed a sigh of relief and slowly sat up, wincing at
the sting in his back, stomach and the pain that shot through his ribs. He bit
his lip to stifle his scream and slowly pushed himself up. He glanced back at
his father, shocked what he’d done to him. And now he was afraid since his
mother was still at work, would be for quite some time and Tony had moved out a
couple of months earlier. He said he wanted to get used to his new situation
but they all knew he wanted to escape what his family life had turned into.
Justin was left alone with his mom and dad and with his mother working almost
24/7 he was really alone with his father who seemed to have thought he would
make a good punching back. Justin scurried to his room and curled into a ball on
his bed, praying his dad would stay out of it; at least till his mother came
home…..
***
“You’re useless!”
“Piece of shit!”
“It’s all your fault”
“Stupid baby”
His dad hurled the insults as he accentuated each word with a
painful punch or kick. Justin cringed as the words reached his ears all the
while trying to twist away from his father’s abusive feet and fists.
“Please” he whispered softly, hoping he could get through to
him. But just like the last six months it didn’t work, it never worked. He
would punch his son till he passed out, Justin would disappear to his room and
the next day they both pretended it never happened, just like the first time.
He thought it showed the way he limped sometimes or how he was always hugging
himself to regain some sort of safety for himself. But his mother was too busy
to notice and his dad too drunk to care. As the punches ceased Justin knew it
wouldn’t be long till his dad would pass out. He only had to wait a couple of
minutes before the house was dead quiet again. The whooshing of the punches and
the sound of boots hitting flesh were now replaced by a deafening silence.
Justin slowly sat up and pushed himself off of the floor; he
couldn’t bear the silence, he had to get away from his father. He limped upstairs;
it had been bad this time. He carefully eased himself on his bed and somehow
managed to lie down onto his side, it stung in protest but he ignored it. He
grabbed Timmy and hugged him to his chest, letting the tears fall freely. He
sobbed into his only friend, making unrecognizable sounds as he let the
emotions overwhelm him.
After ten minutes he wore himself out and all that was left
where little hiccups. He pulled Timmy away from his chest and into his line of
sight. He stared at the teddy bear, letting his eyes travel over the still soft
light brown fur, the black eyes and the round ears on his head. He used to talk
for hours to Timmy, discussing his problems and letting him in on his deepest
darkest secrets, the secrets he’d never been able to share with anyone else.
Although Timmy had never really answered, he had in Justin’s memories; Timmy
had always been there for him and he had helped him. He knew it was silly but
he had to let it out; one thought that kept haunting him.
“Am I really useless Timmy?”….
***
“Mom, I’m gay”
There he said it, he held his breath waiting for her reaction
hoping he’d made the right decision to tell her. She gasped but didn’t say
anything. Justin had told her separately from his father because he wasn’t sure
of his reaction. Actually he was afraid of his reaction and by telling his mom
he at least had some sort of feeling that he could be more himself; at least
around her.
“Mom?” Justin tried tentatively. She blinked,
“Oh my…” she gasped.
“Please don’t be mad” he whispered softly, feeling more like a
six year old than his eighteen years of age.
“I… I’m not mad” she said softly but reassuringly and Justin
let out a breath of relief. He hugged her close to his chest, thanking God for
her support.
“Thank you mom” he said softly before kissing her cheek.
***
“Dad?” Justin asked carefully as he stepped towards him. It had
been a couple of months since he’d told his mother he was gay and she’d pressed
him to tell his father as well but Justin was hesitant. He was fearful of his
reaction and had stalled it for as long as possible. Well that was up until
today; his mother had told him she would like it if he told his father. She
hated being in the middle and keeping secrets from him. So Justin had no choice
but to say yes to her request; he would tell his father.
“Yeah boy?” his father asked him, not unkindly but you couldn’t
call it friendly either. Justin had picked an early hour, hoping he wouldn’t be
drunk yet and that that would save him from an outburst or a beating, or both.
“I… um… can I talk to you for a second?” he asked tentatively
as he sank to a seat on the couch. His father nodded questionably. Justin took
in a sharp breath, building up the courage to tell his father he was gay.
“I’ve got something to tell you” he started slowly, hoping the
courage would build in his stalling. He paused for a second then breathed,
“I’m gay”
His father sat stunned, shocked, astonished.
“You’re what?!” he boomed as he jumped out of his chair and
pounded towards his son who cowered back in reflex.
“You’re a fag?!” his father yelled at him as he grabbed him by
the shirt, hauling him up so they were face to face.
“You’re a fag?!” he repeated as he threw him against the
closet. Justin stumbled over his feet and flew against the closet before
falling down to the floor in a heap.
“What the hell are you still doing in my house?!” he yelled at
his son as he kicked him in the stomach. Justin curled himself into a ball to
protect himself from the kicks but was unsuccessful.
“Please” he breathed, cringing at the words and the pain.
“You fucking faggot, get out of my house!!” he yelled as he
grabbed his son harshly and hauled him up, pushing him out ahead of him to the
door. Justin landed against the doorway and held on tight, seeing he was close
to the drawer he reached out and fell for the gun he’d put there a couple of
months ago. The beatings got more frequently and painful, he hadn’t felt safe
anymore and he didn’t know why but someday after school he just walked to a gun
shop and bought one. He’d had the feeling there would come a time when he
needed to protect himself and felt that time was now. He gripped the gun and
listened as his father approached on him. He quickly tugged the gun in the
waistband of his pants before anticipating another punch or kick. He was
grabbed roughly and pushed towards the door.
“You are a disgrace to this family. You fucking get out and
don’t ever come back!!” he yelled pushing his son with each word.
“What is going on?” Justin heard his mother’s voice calling out
tentatively but she was ignored. His father opened the front door and pushed
him once again. Justin stumbled over his feet, stopping only a few feet from
his father. The first time he could look into his eyes, the rage he saw
terrified him. His eyes were flaring and Justin instinctively stumbled
backwards.
“You’ll never set foot in this house again or this town. If you
don’t leave town within ten minutes I’ll come after you and you will really
understand what pain is” he finished, glaring at his son before he slammed the
door in his face. Justin knew his father had meant what he said, the glaring
and the rage in his eyes told him that and he hadn’t even been drinking that
much today. He turned quickly and started running, having no idea where to go.
He was frantic to get out of town, terrified of his father and his threats he
would follow through on.
He ran out of his street, debating his options; hitchhiking?
No that would take to long, he had to get out of town in ten
minutes!
The train or the buss?
Not an option either, he had no money whatsoever. Not a dollar
and without that it would be impossible.
Could he borrow some money?
No, again not an option since he hardly knew anybody.
At least anyone he liked and was close to, someone he could
borrow some money from. He didn’t have that many friends in town, actually he
had none. Nobody he could ask for cash on such a short notice. He wouldn’t even
have time to get it.
What were his options?
He was all out of options!
Suddenly the small shop by the gas station came into view and
he ran towards it, seeing a chance to get some quick money and split. But it
all didn’t go the way he’d planned, in those short few seconds the whole thing
escalated and a few minutes later he was left running for his freedom. He ran
and ran further away from the small shop he’d just robbed, the few bucks he’d
managed to get stuffed in his right pocket and the gun still in his hand. After
a couple of blocks a car came into view and Justin sped towards it.
That was his way out!
He opened the passenger side door and got in. He met a driver
with a confused look on his face but before he could ask anything he pulled the
gun into view.
“Go!”