Chapter
15
Three months later…
The happy squeals of his baby boy drew his
attention back to the pool. He glanced at the young man with the curls as he
swayed the kid back and forth in the crystal water. He had a wide smile on his
face and Sam mimicked that look; they were happy now for the moment but his
mind wondered to recent arguments, the scenes of the past few months…..
“I’m
gonna find a job” Justin smiled proudly as he stepped in front of Josh.
It
had been a couple of weeks since they’d arrived in Los Angeles and Josh had
yelled after him. It had been the happiest words Justin had ever heard. He’d
turned around immediately and ran towards the pair, embracing them both in a
hug without ever wanting to let go. Eventually of course he did and Josh had
wanted him to move in immediately since he didn’t have a place to stay, he
didn’t even have stuff to move so from now on Josh insisted Justin would call
his house his home too and Justin had done so, gladly. He loved living there
with Sam and Josh but he’d gotten restless and he needed to do something. He
needed to help a little and with a job he thought he could do just that.
“How
are you gonna do that?” Josh wondered as he stood.
“Well
how do you think I’m gonna do that? I’m gonna apply for a job; here I found a
perfect add, I’m gonna go check it out this afternoon” Justin told him happily.
“I
wouldn’t do that” Josh told him in monotone before he pushed passed his lover
to go to the kitchen.
“Why
not?” Justin asked confused, his happy smile somewhat sliding. Josh turned
swiftly, looking him in the eye with a sad expression in his own.
“Justin,
I know you want to forget but you can’t. That is the first thing they will
check” Josh informed his innocent boyfriend, not in the crime way of innocent
because no he did commit the crime but he was still so young, so naïve, so
innocent and he didn’t know how the business world worked.
“What
do you mean?” Justin asked, his eyes clouding.
“When
people hand in their résumés they always double check that and eventually they
will find out…” Josh said, trailing off at the end, unwilling to finish his
sentence.
“That
I’m a fugitive” Justin finished regretful and the saddest expression Josh had
ever seen passed his features. It cut through Josh like a knife and he wished
he could have met Justin some other way or that he could have prevented him
from robbing that store, could have prevented him from the childhood he’d had
that forced him into the crime that would now haunt him for the rest of his
life. Josh dropped his head, he didn’t want to be the guy who’d have to tell
him that but it was better this than that he’d get caught at work; those people
wouldn’t be so nice and they certainly wouldn’t comfort him or tell him that
everything would be ok.
“Yeah”
Josh acknowledged Justin’s statement.
Justin
plumped down in the chair he was standing in front, ducking his head as he
folded himself into the seat. He felt so useless, he’d always felt that way and
now that he thought he finally found a solution it was swept away roughly just because….
because he made a stupid mistake. He felt an arm wrap around his shoulders and
he glanced up slightly, through his tears he saw Josh’s warm smile, trying to
comfort him. Josh slid on Justin’s lap and hugged the younger boy to him,
rocking back and forth, whispering it would be ok although he only saw one
solution to this problem…..
***
“I
can’t believe you bought that” Justin exclaimed as they walked to their parked
car.
“I
like star wars, leave me alone” Josh huffed playfully.
“I
can’t believe you…” Justin stopped abruptly as he caught site of the cop that
was standing next to their car. Josh looked at Justin questionably before
following his line of sight; he saw the cop and immediately understood Justin’s
reaction. The cop spotted them and stepped towards them; Justin broke down in
nervous sweat.
“I…
I… um.. Josh… I um… forgot something” Justin stammered before he turned quickly
and walked away as fast and far away from the cop as possible. All the while
trying not to sprint away as fast as he could. He dashed inside a store and
waited about fifteen minutes before he carefully poked his head around the door
to make sure the cop had left. Josh was standing next to the vehicle, waiting
for him to come back. Josh hadn’t seen where Justin had gone off to because
he’d been too busy talking to the cop; excusing him and making sure he wouldn’t
get suspicious. It was handled well; Josh got a ticket nothing big but more
importantly Justin didn’t get noticed, the cop had no clue.
Justin
walked towards his boyfriend sheepishly.
“I’m
sorry” he mumbled as he stood before him. It were simple things, daily things
like this that constantly reminded him of the mistake he’d made a couple months
ago. He saw the anger in Josh’s eyes, he saw he was getting fed up and he
couldn’t blame him he was sick of it as well.
“Let’s
go home” Josh said simply, he didn’t get into Justin’s apology it wasn’t the
right place to discuss this and they needed to discuss this.
***
“I’m
sorry, please don’t be mad” Justin pleaded as they stepped inside.
They’d
been silent the whole drive back and Justin finally couldn’t take it anymore.
Josh had held back for several weeks now, it was always a bad time. But now
that Sam was at kindergarten they could discuss this.
“Justin
I’m not mad. That’s not the point anyway” Josh told him as he turned towards
him. Justin looked at him questionably, not sure what the point was then.
“You
can’t keep doing this” Josh told him, starting simply.
“Doing
what?”
“Running
away like you did, being afraid of getting caught, avoiding the cops…” Josh
trailed off as he saw Justin’s shoulders slump.
“Yes
I can” he huffed.
“Justin
you know you can’t” Josh countered.
“Then
what do you think I should do?” he asked him a little angry; Josh thinking he
always knew what the right thing was. He thought he knew what Justin had to do
but Josh had no idea how he felt, he thought angrily as he challenged Josh to
answer him.
“I
think…. I think…” Josh started twice, he couldn’t get it out. He’d been
thinking about this for a while and it really was the only solution but he was
afraid of Justin’s reaction, he was afraid what would happen, he was just
afraid in general.
“What?!”
Justin urged him a little desperate, wanting to know what he thought was best
for him. Josh took a deep breath and looked his lover in the eye.
“I
think you should…” he started once again, getting caught in his sentence once
again. He took another deep breath,
“turn
yourself in” he breathed, finishing his sentence. Justin took an involuntary
step back, it was a reflex. He let the words sink in but didn’t understand why
Josh had said that.
“What?!”
he whispered dumbfounded.
“You
can’t keep living like this, it’s the best” Josh explained him calmly; if he lost
his temper now, things could go the wrong way.
“How
the hell would you know?!” Justin snapped, he was terrified.
“How
the hell would you know what’s best for me?!”
“I’m
just trying to help you” Josh told him still calm although he didn’t feel calm.
“Trying
to get rid of me you mean!!” he yelled back.
“Justin,
you know that’s not true” Josh told him calmly as he stepped towards him but
Justin backed away.
“Yes
it is! Why else would you want to do that to me?!”
“I
want to help you”
“No
you don’t! You want to help yourself!!”
“No
I don’t baby, I want what’s best for you and this isn’t it”
“You
got no right to tell me what’s good for me! I’ll decide that myself!”
“Do
you really feel that this is the way you want to live? Constantly being afraid,
looking over your shoulder? Is that how you want it?” Justin said nothing, it
was true, Josh was right but going to jail…. no never.
“I’m
not going to jail!” he told Josh determined.
“But…”
Josh started, wanting to make him see this was the best solution. He’d wrecked
his brain almost every night for the past weeks, trying to come up with a
solution that wouldn’t involve Justin in a cell, that wouldn’t involve them
living apart but he’d come up empty. It was the only solution and the only chance
to a normal life.
“No
Josh!! Leave. It” Justin managed through gritted teeth before he stormed out
the door.
***
Josh
was left crying on the floor, where he’d sagged down to his knees. He couldn’t
take it anymore; he wanted them to be happy!
Was
that too much to ask?
Was
it too much to ask to just be a normal family?
The
three of them happy together, watching Sam grow up and playing together in the
backyard or in the park without having to worry when a cop strolled by on his
daily route?
Why
couldn’t they have that?
Why
couldn’t they be normal?
He
cried and cried, for all the unfairness in their lives, the previous and the
present while he hoped their future would be spared from that.
He
wanted to be happy with Justin and his son, that was all he was asking for.
Was
that too much to ask?
***
Justin
came back a couple of hours later with an apology for his outburst but he
didn’t say anything about changing his mind and Josh figured Justin hadn’t
changed his mind.
Josh
had seen how truly afraid Justin had been when he’d mentioned the word jail,
Josh had seen the fear in his eyes and so he didn’t bring up the subject that
night.
They
crawled into bed together, Sam in the room next to theirs and they spooned into
each other. Although the bed wasn’t as small as the motel room beds had been,
it gave them a sense of security, familiarity and it comforted them both. Josh
wrapped his arms around Justin’s waist, pulling Justin against him. He kissed
the top of his head, the curls tickling his nose and he smiled a small smile.
Justin snuggled against him and was soon sound asleep, worn out from the events
of the day.
Although
Josh had dropped the issue for now, it didn’t mean he would forget about it
altogether; when the timing was right he would bring it up again and he would
try and try and try to change Justin’s mind so that one day they could have the
normal life that they both disserved.…
***
“You
have to turn yourself in” Josh said calmly.
Three
weeks later, Josh felt the timing was right. He’d given Justin some time to
think about it and he believed Justin had done so. Occasionally he’d caught
Justin to be absent and he really got the idea from the haunted and fearful
expression in Justin’s eyes he couldn’t let that one evening go. The evening
when Josh had first mentioned he should give himself up. Josh only hoped he’d
changed his mind.
“No!”
Justin denied, he still hadn’t changed his mind.
“We
talked about this before Justin” Josh remembered him.
“I
know Josh” he scoffed, “And I said no!”
Josh
closed his eyes and before he could stop himself he gave him the choice.
“If
you don’t do it I will”
Justin felt the air whoosh out of him as if
he’d been punched in the stomach.
“Y..y..you…
what?” Josh eyed him.
“If
you don’t turn yourself in I will” Josh repeated confidently but he couldn’t
make himself look at Justin.
There
was no response.
Justin
stood in front of his boyfriend, lover and savior. His shoulders slumped, his
arms hung limp from his body, his mouth open from shock and he felt the tears
well up in his eyes but he said nothing. Josh quickly looked up when the
reaction he’d anticipated never came. He saw the bewildered and true hurt look
on the boy’s face.
“Justin,
baby” Josh said softly stepping towards him and taking his hands in his own.
“Please”
he started softly.
“No!”
Justin jerked away, pulling his hands out of Josh’s grip and stumbling
backwards.
“Please”
Josh whispered again, taking another step in Justin’s direction but Justin just
moved further away.
“How
can you say something like that!” Justin semi-yelled at him, making the slender
man cringe.
“I
don’t want us to have this life. I don’t want to live like a fugitive and I
won’t”
“B...but”
“Justin
I love you with all my hear and believe me the last thing I want is to not have
you with me, but it will pay off in the long run”
“Easy
for you to say! You won’t have to go to jail!”
“Well
I didn’t rob that place” Josh countered angrily Justin was missing the
essential here. He didn’t see the point.
“That’s
not fair” Justin told him glaring.
“This
life is not fair! It’s not fair to you, to me or to Sam. This avoiding the cops
thing will work for maybe one year but not for ten or twenty. What if you need
help but you can’t call the cops because you’re afraid they will bust you too?
What if we would want to go on vacation outside of the US? What if you want to
go to college? What if you get a parking ticket or get pulled over for a random
check. What happens then? Will you run? Leave us behind? Demand that we go with
you? What?...” Josh confronted. Justin didn’t answer, Josh had a point. His
voice softening he continued,
“Justin
you can’t live your life if you’re constantly looking over your shoulder, being
afraid to get caught. You will never be able to find a job….”
“Oh
is THAT what this is about, you think I’m using you for money!” Justin yelled,
he knew perfectly well it was definitely not about the money but he did not
want to go to jail so he hoped he could change the subject by luring Josh into
an argument. But Josh saw right through Justin’s attempt and instead of yelling
back he answered calmly.
“No
Justin it’s just… we can’t live like that. I don’t want that life with you. I
want to have a normal family; you, me and Sam being free to love each other and
to do what we want. Please, I don’t want to loose you but I don’t want to live
like that and neither should you” Josh finished. Justin tried to progress it
all. He knew Josh had a point, knew he was right he just didn’t want him to be
right. He’d known Josh was right all along but he was so scared, so scared to
lose Josh, so scared to go to jail, so scared to be locked away for life. He
didn’t want to consider giving himself up for all those reasons but he had
thought about it. Josh eyed Justin, searching his face for signs as to what he
was feeling but he couldn’t read his lover which only made him more frantic.
“I’m
scared” Justin whispered. Josh was there in a heartbeat taking his hands in
his.
“I
know, so am I but we’ll get through this together” Josh whispered gazing into
those beautiful blue eyes before encircling Justin in his arms.
“I
love you” he whispered.
And slowly, so slowly Justin had come to turn
around. He’d changed his mind ever so slowly. More convinced every day that
giving himself up really was the best solution. However that didn’t make it
easier, he was no less scared and going to jail didn’t seem any different but
he was willing to go if that meant somewhere along the lines he could have a
normal family as well.
They’d set a date together; strange maybe but that
way they both knew where they stood. Justin knew that if they didn’t he would keep
postponing it till he would eventually not do it at all. Then he would get
caught and not by free will. They wouldn’t have any say in the matter if that
happened and they wouldn’t be prepared for it then so they set a date. Tomorrow
was that date, they would go to the police station and Justin would truly give
himself up. They’d talked about it a lot over the last couple of weeks, they
had talked about everything and Josh had a mixed feeling about the whole
situation.
He was happy he’d convinced Justin but what would
come of it?
Would he ever see Justin again after that?
Would they still be the same after he would get out
of jail?
How long would he have to go to jail?
All those thoughts haunted him at night and the
closer tomorrow came the more times it also haunted him during the day. He
glanced at Justin in the swimming pool. He was enjoying himself but he also saw
Justin was aware that this would be his last free moment with Sam and that
saddened Josh to the bone.
Please let him be ok….
***
Josh placed gentle kisses on his boyfriend’s cheek,
caressing him to the best of his ability. It was their last night together and
Justin felt as if he was dying. The last time to do this, the last time to do
that… because that was how it felt. However he didn’t think about what his life
would be like after he would get out of jail. He knew he would have to keep
that frame in mind during his sentence; it would keep him going, it would
constantly remind him that he was doing the right thing, that everything would
be ok and mainly that this was not the end of their lovely relationship; this
was only the beginning.
“I love you Josh” Justin whispered, settling
himself in the crook of Josh’s neck, feeling safe.
“I love you too baby, don’t worry everything will
be ok” Josh reassured him, as their hands entwined. They held each other almost
desperately, trying to enjoy this but it was so hard with the thought of what
would happen tomorrow. They couldn’t shake it, although they both tried, they
just couldn’t.
“I want you Josh” Justin told his boyfriend softly,
needing to feel Josh against him for one last time. He needed to feel Josh,
have Josh touch him and let him love him and to have it last forever. Their
lips met and they kissed gently, passionately, enjoying each other’s taste as
best as they could manage. Justin’s hands traveled over Josh’s slim and
beautiful body and he pushed the thought out of his head; the last time they
would share this bed in God only knew how long… He pushed it away and fell into
Josh’s touch, savoring it, mentally storing it in his brain. They made sweet,
gentle love and then fell asleep in each other’s arms, both praying it would
somehow all work out and be for the best in the long run…..