Chapter
4
“Could
you please put the gun away, you’re scaring my son” Josh said to Justin that
night when they took residence in a motel room. It was late and Josh was tired.
The last few hours had been exhausting, it was too quiet in the car and that
ate at him. Justin nodded somewhat before putting the gun in the waistband of
his pants, hiding it but keeping it close just in case.
Josh
disappeared with Sam into the bathroom and laid him down over the covered sink,
getting him ready for bed. A pillow underneath him as Josh stripped his son’s
pants. He grabbed for the changing bag, opening it and grasping blindly.
“Oh
shit” Josh cursed lightly, hitting himself in the head mentally as he saw the
changing back no longer held any diapers. He dropped his head onto his right
hand, sighing heavily. He’d forgotten to put some diapers in there after he’d
changed Sam at the last gas station. Justin had been on his case to move and
he’d forgotten he’d used the last diaper. There were more in the car he thought
but he’d have to get them and didn’t want to leave Sam here alone with Justin.
He could also not change him but from the smell that radiated from his son he
knew that wasn’t an option either. He opened the bathroom door and found Justin
blankly staring at the TV.
“Can
I… I need to…” Josh stuttered gesturing lightly with his arms, still standing
in the door to keep an eye on his son making sure he didn’t roll off the sink.
“What?”
Justin asked lightly, his voice wasn’t exasperated and that gave Josh courage.
“I
don’t have any diapers with me, can I go get them in the car?”
“Uh,
yeah… ok” Justin said, unprepared for that request.
“Sam
is in the bathroom, can you… I mean, please don’t….” Josh stuttered, asking
Justin to watch his son and at the same time not to hurt him. It was a strange
request and an even stranger sentence but Justin understood and stood up. He
simply nodded with a knowing smile, trying to reassure Josh but Josh wasn’t
reassured, not by a long shot. Josh reluctantly left the room as Justin
disappeared into the bathroom.
“Hey
kid” Josh faintly heard Justin say before he ran towards the car on the parking
lot.
***
“You
got a bear just like mine” Justin told Sam who was staring up at Justin with
wide curious eyes. Justin smiled sadly,
“I
miss him, he always helped me…..” he let his sentence trail.
“What
have I done?” he asked with tears in his eyes. The child looked at him with big
blue eyes, just like his father’s, making Justin believe the kid was listening
and understanding it all. He held the bear up and brought it back down. Justin
laughed sarcastically.
“Yeah,
you probably don’t care about this. I threatened your dad. I didn’t mean to, it
wasn’t supposed to go this way” he said angry with himself.
He
couldn’t even do this right!
Was
he really a screw up?
A
loser?
Like
his father had told him more times than he could count. He was startled as the
door opened and Josh stepped in. Justin quickly wiped away his tears and turned
away from Josh as he disappeared out of the bathroom, heading towards the front
door, closing it softly behind him. Josh watched him go, surprised he would
leave like this when he’d been watching him like a hawk, all nervous, all day.
Josh understood this was his chance to get away, to take his son and himself to
safety. He looked at the little boy, his son, he smiled. He was staring back at
him with wide eyes, throwing his arms in the air as to say; I don’t know either
dad.
Justin
squatted down on the pavement, hugging his knees as he stared out in front of
him. The gun poking in his belly the constant reminder of the mistake he’d
made. Tears build in his eyes again and he let them fall. Unable to stop them.
***
Josh
understood that this was his shot to get away when he carefully peeked out the
window and saw no sign of the young man.
He
knew that this was his chance but then why did he not move an inch?
Something
held him back and he was vaguely aware of the fact that it had to do with the
young man that had just walked away. He made no move to get away and was just
as surprised about it as Justin when he walked in a while later.
“You
still here?” he asked, his eyebrows furrowed as he saw Josh sitting on the bed
with Sam on his lap, cradling the boy in his arms.
Josh
simply nodded as he looked from the sleeping infant in his arms to the young
man in the doorway. Justin quickly turned away from his stare as he closed the
door but Josh had seen the red and puffy eyes, intriguing him even more. He
didn’t ask however and Justin didn’t offer an explanation. Justin turned his
back towards Josh and stripped off his pants, the gun falling to the floor with
a loud thud. Justin cringed, he eyed the gun for a moment but didn’t bend to
pick it up. He turned his back towards the gun and climbed in bed, aware of
Josh’s eyes on him he turned on his side; away from Josh.
Josh
sighed inaudible as he looked between the young boy in the bed and the gun
lying on the floor only a couple feet away from him. He could easily pick up
the gun and threaten Justin, call the cops and have this nightmare over with.
But he didn’t. He didn’t know why but he didn’t, he carefully placed Sam on the
bed before stripping off his own pants and settling down next to his son. He
pulled the boy close to him, encircling him with his arms before pulling the
blankets over them. He sighed once again, closing his eyes as he waited for
sleep to overtake him.
***
“I’m
sorry”
It
was just barely a whisper but Josh’s attention was peeked. He opened his tired
eyes abruptly.
“I’m
sorry I threatened you, I’m sorry if I scared your son. I didn’t mean to. It
wasn’t supposed to go this way” Justin’s word where full of remorse. He hadn’t
fallen asleep like he’d let Josh believe. Josh was also still awake, although
barely.
They’d
settled in for sleep only fifteen minutes earlier and that had left Justin with
all his thoughts and memories. He thought about the day, how things had gone
from bad to worse in no time. About the things he’d said to Josh, about how
Josh had looked at him. About that little boy Sam who had nothing to do with
his problems and still he dragged him with him. He felt nothing but shame and
guilt, he couldn’t keep it in anymore and he apologized to Josh for everything
he’d done in the confines of the darkness; the things Josh knew he’d done and
the things he didn’t know.
“Then
how was it supposed to go?” Josh asked carefully, taking advantage of the
temporarily weakness of the other guy. Small sobs could be heard throughout the
room, Josh also heard Justin was trying to suppress them. Josh unconsciously
stroked his son’s hair as he waited for an answer. Several minutes later Josh
no longer heard suppressed sobs or hiccups and Josh thought the boy had fallen
asleep. Justin wiped his eyes before running a hand under his nose, still
sniffling he said,
“It
wasn’t supposed to go this way. I don’t know how things went so wrong so fast…”
the voice trailed off, probably he was reliving something but Josh still had no
idea what that was. Josh had no idea what had gone so wrong so fast and he
wanted to know.
“What
happened?” Josh dared to ask. But the answer he got only brought up more
questions.
“I
didn’t think things through, I am a screw up, my dad was right all along. I
can’t do anything right” Justin’s words were interrupted by small sobs slowly
picking up speed but he pressed his face in his pillow. He didn’t want to wake
the young boy.
“I’ll
let you go tomorrow. I’ll get out of your way. I messed up your lives enough.
I’m sorry” Justin said when he got himself back together somewhat. His voice
was soft and sweet, tears still welling up in his eyes.
Josh felt relieved
but he also felt the need to help this young boy. However Justin didn’t give
him that chance as he turned his back towards Josh, closing himself off
physically. Josh sighed, his mind replaying the tiny bits of information Justin
had revealed to him. Sam shifted in his arms, he glanced down at the small boy;
he would be safe now but would Justin be safe too, would he be ok? He closed
his eyes, letting sleep overtake him. It didn’t take long this time; it had
been a long and stressful day.
