Chapter 30
Josh enjoyed his life those two weeks, things were
quiet. Henry was anticipating the break in and because Josh already knew the
answer there was no work for him anymore. It was all quiet, Henry pretty much
left him alone and him and Lance had a good time again, Josh was even almost
able to push the robbery assignment away. He really wanted to fully enjoy this,
just a few more days where he would be normal, where he had a real and true
friend since he now knew how soon he would loose that again.
Maybe it had all become a bit too normal, his life
at school was almost normal, that was when you forgot about Brad and Mr.
Zaggery. Apart from those few harassers he was almost a normal teenager.
Especially when he was around Lance. But maybe it had all became too normal and
started to take it for granted. He was getting too used to the idea of having a
good friend and he now hated himself for it. He’d had a lot of fun yes during
those months where he’d let Lance in but it would very soon all go back to the
way it was before he met Lance.
Wasn’t it better to have no hope?
To carry on living your miserable life instead of
getting a peek at how your life could be just a little better just to have it
all taken away from you again a few months later?
Wasn’t it easier to continue with a life you knew
that had no better times instead of living those better times for just a few
months?
Wouldn’t it have been easier to not experience how
you could almost feel happy simply by having a friend who stood up for you, who
believed in you although he had no reason to? The prospect of having to go back
to your old life certainly wouldn’t have hurt this much. Back to a life where
no one stood up for you, where no one cared. Where no one even looked twice at
you except when they needed someone to harass simply because they were bored or
because they could. Wouldn’t it have been easier if he hadn’t felt what it was
like to be someone’s friend? How it had felt like to be finally allowed to sit
inside with your friend. How it had felt like to be protected from nasty
comments and how it had felt like to finally have a refuge. A place where he
could go when Henry was at it again. A place where he could escape the man that
caused all the misery in his life.
Wouldn’t it have been easier if he’d never been
introduced to that side of life?
It would have made going back to his old life a lot
easier but although it might have been easier he however, knew that he wouldn’t
have chosen to ignore Lance and his friendship if he’d known all those months
ago that it would end this way. Josh knew he would still have taken it, let
Lance in because although it had only been 5 months, 5 months of a somewhat
normal life might in the end be the closest he would ever get to that normal
life he so craved for.
That somewhat normal life however would only be
there for two more weeks then he knew he had to go back to his old life and the
only person who would care about him then, in his money sick way, was the man
Josh despised the most.
***
The two weeks passed too quickly and Josh soon
found himself in front of Henry again, demanding his answer.
“So where is the safe?” Henry asked.
Josh hesitated a second too long.
“I gave you enough time” he sneered, glaring at his
step-son from his sitting position in his chair.
“I… um…” Josh stuttered, shuffling his feet
nervously, he didn’t want to tell him. Henry stood up, looming over Josh. He
grabbed his shirt and pulled the boy towards him.
“Where is it boy?” Henry asked firmly. Josh
cringed, he knew he had to tell him now, the time had come he could no longer
hold it back from him. Henry raised his hand.
“No! Don’t hit me please!! It’s in the basement!”
he yelled fearfully. Henry brought his hand down on Josh’s cheek, he had to
learn, snapping Josh’s head to the side.
“Good boy” Henry patted his step-son’s cheek
harshly.
“Don’t ever keep things from me again or you’ll be
sorry” he warned, shoving Josh to the floor, kicking him once before he began
to plan the break in Josh would perform.
***
The break in was getting closer and closer, Henry
took his time to plan it out to make sure Josh had no excuse to screw up this
time.
Josh was getting more frantic as time went on, as
the day he would have to rob Lance crept closer. Lance was still so friendly to
him, all nice and trustworthy, he knew Lance saw him as a very good friend and
it killed Josh. It killed him on the inside when Lance told him how much he
liked hanging out with him, how much he appreciated his friendship and trust in
a meaningful friendly hug. It killed him when Lance would smile at him,
communicating with that simple smile. It fucking killed him to be around him
but he couldn’t raise suspicion. He had to act normal, he had to but Lance
being friendly made it almost impossible to keep up his façade.
He cried at night, softly, always softly, afraid he
would wake up Henry and then there would be hell to pay so he made sure he kept
it down. He sobbed heavily till he fell asleep or he just didn’t have the
energy to cry anymore, whichever came first. He got less and less sleep and he
knew sometime it would have to come out, he knew he would burst, sooner or
later.
***
“Josh? What’s wrong?” Lance asked concerned when
Josh walked towards him, he looked like crap, he had bags under his eyes and
they were slightly puffy. Just by the way he walked it seemed like all the
energy had been drained from his body.
“Nothing” Josh mumbled. He scraped his throat when
Lance looked at him funny.
“I’m fine” he said in a much more reassuring and
strong voice but he himself wasn’t buying it.
“Something happen?” Lance asked carefully.
“No” Josh grumbled, he didn’t want to talk about
it, he couldn’t talk about it.
What was he supposed to say?
Hey Lance, I feel like crap because I’ll have to
rob your shit from right under your nose and you told me yourself where to find
the safe.
Great scam huh?
Fuck the scam!
“I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s
wrong”
“Lance…” Josh started, trying to keep calm, he was
this close to yelling.
“Lay off” he told him as calmly as possible, the
anger bubbling inside of him.
“I want to help you Josh but you need to want my
help. You need to help yourself too, just tell me” Lance encouraged, thinking
Josh was just being stubborn about it.
“Shut up” Josh told him harshly, Lance had
absolutely no idea what he was talking about.
“But Josh…”
“No Lance! I’ve had enough, you think you can save
me, you can save me from the world but you can’t! It’s none of your business.
What is it with these rich boys? You so bored you gotta interfere with my life?
Money is not everything and it certainly doesn’t give you the right to save the
world or to save me! You just can’t save me, you can’t so leave me alone!” Josh
ranted, this was it, this was his breaking point.
If Lance only knew what he went through every day,
if he only had a clue he wouldn’t be standing here preaching about how he could
save himself, how he could pull himself out of his miserable situation. He had
no right to talk to him this way, he knew nothing, nothing at all about how he
fought to survive yet another day without another bruise or raging fit from
Henry. It didn’t happen in his family, Lance had nothing to worry about,
nothing to be afraid off. He was always protected and loved, Josh had neither,
he had nothing.
Lance tried hard to keep his mouth from dropping
wide open, Josh’s outburst was the last thing he’d expected. He now knew he’d
pushed it too far but Josh’s outburst was uncalled for and so he turned swiftly
and walked away quickly.
Josh slumped against the lockers and watched Lance
go. He couldn’t take it anymore, Lance was so concerned about him and fuck it,
he didn’t deserve it! He just didn’t and by hanging out with Lance his guilt
multiplied. He played like everything was good, like everything was going swell
but in fact his step father was now planning a break in into his only friend’s
house with the information he himself had given him. He’d tricked Lance into
saying it and played it along to his step dad who would use it to rip Lance
off.
It was too much, just too much.
The bell rang but Josh didn’t care, he bolted for
the toilets, locked himself in the furthest stall, folded himself in the corner
and let it go. He cried, he cried as the silence embraced him, the story of his
life; miserable, broken and alone.
***
“Lance?” Josh asked softly as he stepped up to him.
Lance was sitting with Justin, it was the first time Lance deliberately avoided
him during lunch, that he deliberately stayed away and although a part of Josh
said it was better this way, it would hurt less for the both of them there was
also a part that said he should apologize to Lance. Lance deserved the apology.
“Leave him alone Josh, he doesn’t want to talk to
you” Justin defended Lance, as he stood up and got in Josh’s face.
“What are you his boyfriend?” Josh asked him as he
looked up at the boy who was blocking his way.
“Fuck off Chasez” Justin told him as he pushed Josh
away.
“Stay away from me, this doesn’t concern you! I
just want to talk to Lance!” Josh yelled at him as he pulled away from Justin.
“Lance is my friend so it does concern me!” Justin
told him as he shoved him away.
“Just give me a chance alright” Josh asked him, he
looked Justin in the eye hoping he would see the message he couldn’t translate
to words. Justin’s features softened, he felt compassion, he hated himself for
it but he stepped out of the way. Once again Josh’s eyes gave Justin the
message he couldn’t get himself to say.
“Lance can I talk to you….” Josh asked as he walked
back to where Lance was sitting.
“Please?” he added when Lance didn’t look at him,
didn’t acknowledge him, actually he kind of ignored him.
“Lance, please” Josh almost begged when Lance still
ignored him. The emotion, deep, heartbroken emotion made Lance look up. Lance’s
sad but expecting eyes met Josh’s which were full of remorse.
“Have a seat” Lance offered but it was apparent to
Josh that he’d truly hurt him with his outburst. Josh shuffled to a seat and
slowly, carefully sank down in it. He rested his hands in his lap and stared
down at them, he was too ashamed to look Lance in the eye.
“I’m sorry Lance” he whispered, without looking up.
Lance said nothing, he eyed Josh. Josh slowly lifted his head and looked his
friend in the eye, his only friend.
“I’m so sorry Lance” he told him again.
“I didn’t mean to snap at you like that. I feel so
awful, you did nothing to deserve that and it was totally uncalled for” Josh
told him softly, the emotions heavily coming through in his voice.
“I shouldn’t have pushed you” Lance finally spoke
up. He’d watched Josh’s eyes throughout his apology and saw so much remorse he
couldn’t help but speak up. He’d been determined to keep his mouth shut and to
make it hard on Josh but one look into those eyes, the eyes that had captivated
him the first time he saw them and haunted him ever since, one look and he
caved.
“You really hurt me Josh” Lance told him earnestly.
Josh ducked his head.
“I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, it just… I
don’t know I just lost it, I’m so stressed and tired, I don’t know. I’m just so
very very sorry, you have to believe me Lance. It wasn’t my intention to hurt
you” Josh told him honestly, gazing up into Lance’s eyes half way through. His
eyes spoke volume and Lance swallowed hard.
He nodded, “I know Josh, I know. I believe you”
Josh sighed heavily, “Thanks”
It still meant so much to have Lance believe in
him, he realized how much he needed it.
But for how long?
How long would it last till Lance would discover
what he’d really done, why he’d really reacted the way he had?
How long would it take for him to loose his trust,
for real and forever?
