Chapter 43

 

Justin returned back to school, meeting up with Lance again while Josh was at home. His mother probably kept him busy; they would go shopping today but he also remembered the conversation he’d had with his mother. Josh needed to go back to school. Justin just didn’t know how to tell Josh this. He postponed it for a day but he knew he couldn’t keep postponing it.

 

Lance seemed to be in a better mood this week. The news of the burglary was already old news except to Mr. Zaggery and Brad of course. They couldn’t stop talking about it and they couldn’t resist to comment whenever something related to the burglary. Lance however ignored it; they had no life he figured.

 

Justin felt a little guilty whenever he was around Lance. He hadn’t told Lance he’d gotten Josh out of jail. He hadn’t told Lance he was now at his house. He hadn’t told Lance about any of it and although Lance probably wouldn’t even listen when he even mentioned the name Josh he still felt as if he was betraying his friend and in fact he was.

 

When Lance told Justin, Josh had robbed his house; Justin had told him to report him however Lance hadn’t. Now that he had reported him, this time instead of being satisfied Lance did report him this time; he went out and got him out of jail. He would tell him soon, he had to if Josh came back to school but this also got postponed.

 

He would deal with it later…. he just had to get himself in the line of fire.

 

***

 

“Do you still talk to… Lance?” Josh asked tentatively, two days later. He’d wanted to ask this question for a few days now but was afraid of the answer. At least the answer it would lead to; Lance hated him.

 

“I mean are you still friends… I mean do you speak to him a lot… see him?” Josh stuttered, not giving Justin the chance to respond to his first question.

 

“Yeah” Justin answered. “Why?”

 

“Does he… does he um… ever talk about me?” Josh asked timidly, his eyes closing tightly as he asked the question; preparing himself for the answer.

 

“He um… actually no” Justin answered honestly, soft and gentle. However he wasn’t being completely honest. Lance had definitely voiced his opinion about Josh; so he had talked about him but it wasn’t what Josh needed to hear. He decided to keep that to himself, he didn’t want to hurt Josh anymore than he already was.

 

“o… oh” Josh stammered, gripping the counter. He’d tried to prepare himself but he couldn’t prepare himself; Lance hated him and he could have never prepared himself to hear that.

 

“I’m sorry” Justin said softly, walking around the counter, coming up behind Josh who shook his head, waving him away dismissively.

 

“Don’t be, I shouldn’t expect anything else. It’s my own fault” he said, his voice growing softer. Justin noticed the volume drop and a second later the shaking of his shoulders telling him all he needed to know. He spun Josh around so they were facing each other before he hugged him close.

 

When the shaking of his shoulders ceased, Josh pulled back finally. Justin doing the same however his arms stayed around Josh’s waist. Josh sniveled, wiping his nose with the back of his hand.

 

“I’m sorry… I’m such a baby. I can’t expect him to forgive me. I sure wouldn’t forgive me if I were in his shoes” Fresh tears welled in his eyes.

 

“Shh Josh, don’t say that” Justin shushed him as he brushed his hand over Josh’s cheek, wiping away the tears.

 

“It’s true” Josh protested lightly.

 

“No” Justin countered.

 

“He just doesn’t know the whole story” Justin rocked them from side to side for a few moments.

 

“Why don’t you tell him, explain what really happened?” Justin broke the silence, voicing his thoughts.

 

“I can’t,” Josh whispered. “I can’t face him”

 

“I’ll stay with you… if you want” Justin offered.

 

“You would?” he asked, his blue eyes watery and big.

 

“Of course I would sweetie. What do you say?” Justin prodded, hoping that if he could just get them in the same room and talking Josh would stop feeling so miserable and Lance would stop feeling so angry.

 

“I don’t know” Josh shook his head, afraid.

 

“Trust me… I think it would make you feel better” he started. Josh still wasn’t sure. Justin hated himself for it but he tried the guilt trip; he needed to get them to talk.

 

“Don’t you think Lance deserves an explanation?” he asked, not accusingly but simply. Josh ducked his head, resting his forehead against Justin’s chest.

 

Finally he nodded, “Yes. Ok” 

 

***

 

He’d convinced Josh now all he needed was Lance. That wouldn’t really be a problem he figured since he could just ask Lance to come over after school. Lance still didn’t know Josh was with him so he wouldn’t object to coming with him. The only thing he was afraid of was that Josh would back out of it. He was afraid he would tell him he’d changed his mind and that’s why he decided to do it the next day. He’d convinced Josh it would be best; get it over with and till his relieve Josh went along with it.

 

The next day he went to school with a good feeling; today they would finally talk. The only fear he had was; what if Lance jumped him? He shook that thought, he would intervene if that happened but he didn’t think it would. It would be ok now…

 

***

 

Josh was nervous all day, he’d opted to tell Justin he’d changed his mind several times that day but he knew he couldn’t back down now. Justin was already at school and he had no way of reaching him. When he would return he would bring Lance with him… just two more hours. He sat down on the couch trying to take his mind off of things but it didn’t work. He paced the floor, sat down, stood again, walked around the room once more and sat down again. He repeated this for the few hours he had left, waiting till Lance stood in the doorway and the chance to explain was there.

 

When Josh heard the lock flip he shot up, looking around panicking as he heard voices. He forced himself to breathe to relax; stay calm he told himself. Then he was there; Lance was standing in the room.

 

“What is HE doing here?” Lance asked angrily as he glared from Josh to Justin. Josh ducked his head, dropping his gaze to the floor and Justin looked him in the eye a somewhat guilty look in his eyes. He’d had to lure Lance into coming over because he knew he would never have come if he knew Josh was waiting for him. He hadn’t felt bad because it was the only way but Lance’s glare made him cringe; he was pissed.

 

“I’m leaving” Lance said abruptly, he was done with this. He’d given Josh so many opportunities, he’d tried to help him over and over, had reached out to him and he didn’t mind. He’d wanted to help Josh, really help him. But when Josh betrayed him, he lost Lance’s trust and his friendship.

 

“Lance please” Josh pleaded, his voice barely a whisper but with so much emotion Lance was forced to turn back around. Josh took a step forward, towards his friend.

 

“Please listen to me” Josh stared but Lance glared; his anger boiling up.

 

“Why should I?” he asked angrily and Josh cowered back, a habit that was hard to shake.

 

“Lance give him a chance. Let him explain” Justin helped out, seeing the fear in Josh’s posture and knowing the cause of it. It didn’t only just have to do with Lance’s out lash, it ran deeper than that, way deeper and Lance needed to know. He would understand.

 

“What the hell are you doing? Standing up for him? You hated him, never believed a word he said or what I told you about him. Why should I listen to you then?” Lance snapped. Justin had always despised Josh why would he stand up for him now?

 

“I’m not asking you to listen to me. I’m only asking you to hear what Josh has to say. If you still feel the same way about it then fine. But give him a chance…” Justin asked him seriously.

 

“What is he even doing here?! He belongs in jail” Lance accused.

 

“Lance, you know he doesn’t. I talked to him and I think you need to listen as well”

 

“No,” Lance stated simply. “I’m done listening”

 

“Come on Lance give him a chance…” Justin pleaded.

 

“I know I don’t deserve it but please let me explain. I owe you an explanation…” Josh cut in, his tears were shimmering and his voice was choked with emotion causing Lance’s angry features to cease a bit. The scowl fell away but it wasn’t replaced with the warm and gentle features Josh was so familiar with.

 

“Ok” he agreed in monotone. Josh sighed, relieved Lance had agreed. Lance had helped him out a lot, he’d saved him from his miserable life and he couldn’t live with the guilt he was feeling for betraying him.

 

“Let’s go sit down” Justin suggested with a sigh of relief; first part worked now it was up to Josh. Lance still glared at him and Josh firmly kept his eyes on the floor.

 

“Come on” Justin urged, pushing Josh in the direction of the couch.

 

They all sat down, Josh in the corner of the couch, hands fidgeting in his lap, Justin close to him and Lance sat scowling in a chair opposite of them. There was an uncomfortable silence but neither wanted to start. Josh didn’t know how to start and Lance was unwilling to help him. Not this time. Justin urged Josh to start with his eyes and Josh caught the look he was being given. He nodded, taking a deep breath and nervously shifting in his seat.

 

“I um… I… didn’t… I…” Josh sighed frustrated, glancing at Justin for approval.

 

“It’s ok Josh. Just tell him what you told me”

 

“I don’t know where to start!” Josh cried frantically.

 

“Then start with why you betrayed me like that” Lance interrupted snidely. He was here and now Josh was stalling. He wanted to know what happened and he wanted to know it now. Josh looked down at his hands, his cheeks flushed at Lance’s remark. It was true he had betrayed him and he still felt so guilt, so ashamed of himself but he wanted to change that. Maybe if he explained Lance would forgive him. He wanted to be forgiven! He needed to be forgiven.

 

“I’m sorry ok? I’m so sorry I betrayed you”

 

“Well you should be!”

 

Silence filled the room and Lance figured as long as he was here to get some answers he might as well ask something since Josh didn’t seem to start talking on his own.

 

“Did you want to get close to me because of my parents?” Lance asked, his voice held no emotion. Josh’s head snapped up.

 

“No” he said firmly.

 

“It was never my idea and I swear… I didn’t plan it Lance”

 

Lance eyed him, Josh’s huge blue eyes begged him to forgive him but he couldn’t, not like that.

 

“I didn’t do it because I wanted to I swear” Josh continued as he saw the look on Lance face; he knew Lance was still suspicious.

 

“Then why did you?” Lance asked, once again without emotion in his voice.

 

“Because… because I had no choice” Josh said softly as his shoulders slumped.

 

“There’s always a choice Josh” Lance stated, not knowing how wrong he could be.

 

“Ah! That’s bullshit and you know it!” he threw at him suddenly, the soft and timid voice was gone; replaced with an angry one.

 

How could Lance say that this easily?

 

How dared he?

 

“You fucking don’t know what it’s like to be scared to death of someone. Every night Henry came home I hid in my room, staying out of his way. Every time I saw that cold hard look in his eyes I started shaking because I knew what was coming! You don’t know what that’s like so don’t give me that, there’s not always a choice! Maybe there is when you have sweet little rich parents but not when you have a man like Henry as your father!” By the end he was yelling and a comforting hand from Justin made him flinch. When he realized it was Justin he slowly relaxed, he dropped his head again, slowing down his breathing; composing himself as Lance watched him. He drew in a shaky breath, totally surprised by Josh’s outburst. He didn’t know exactly what he was talking about but he now realized that the nice man he’d met at the mall was not as friendly to Josh as he’d been to him.

 

“What did he do to you?” Lance asked carefully.

 

Josh looked up hearing a hint of concern in Lance’s voice. He eyed Justin who quickly nodded with a smile before he turned to Lance, taking a deep breath and then slowly, very slowly Josh told his story again; about his reasons, his stepfather, the beatings and how it had made him feel. He told Lance everything, once he started he couldn’t stop, blurting everything out without Lance having an opportunity to interrupt him. Leaving him shocked and with his mouth on the floor at the end of Josh’s story. He stared straight at Josh trying to let it all sink in.

 

Lance had expected Josh’s home situation wouldn’t exactly be good but he’d never expected this, he’d even met Henry!

 

How could he have done this to Josh? Josh stared back at Lance trying to read his face.

 

Did he forgive him?

 

Did he understand now?

 

Or did he still hate him? 

 

But Josh couldn’t find the answer on Lance’s face. He wildly looked at Justin, hoping he would be able to provide the answer he was looking for but the one Lance failed to give. Justin gave him an encouraging nod and a smile but that was not good enough for Josh at this point. However, it was all Justin had to offer right now, he couldn’t read his friend at this point, had no idea what was going on in his head right now; he had no idea what Lance was thinking.

 

“Lance?” Josh tried carefully.

 

“Shit” Lance breathed.

 

“What? What?” Josh asked fearfully, glancing at Justin in between words. Lance scooted forward in his seat. Josh nervously waited for what Lance wanted to say.

 

“I’m sorry” Lance told him, looking him in the eye. Josh breathed a sigh of relief, grateful Lance understood. At least he thought Lance understood. Did he…. understand? Lance stood up and crossed the short distance between him and his friend. Lance gently pulled Josh up and hugged him.

 

“I’m sorry” he whispered. Josh slumped in the embrace, bringing his arms around Lance’s waist; hugging him back and accepting his apology.

 

“I was just so angry you betrayed me but I understand why you did it. I still think you shouldn’t have done it. You should have told me”

 

“I couldn’t Lance”

 

“I could have helped you”

 

Josh shook his head sadly. “I don’t think you could have… Henry… is… you couldn’t have helped me with him”

 

Lance nodded. “I’m sorry” Lance said again.

 

“I’m sorry too Lance. Really sorry” Josh told him as they pulled back at the same time. Lance nodded.

 

“I know, I understand” he said and Josh nodded grateful.

 

“Thanks” he said shyly while blushing slightly. He knew this did not mean Lance trusted him fully again; it would take time but at least he was no longer mad at him and to Josh that meant a whole lot. Lance was the only friend he’d had, the only one who would have been sad if he left or died. The only one who would have missed him when he was gone and the only one he’d trusted. He’d needed Lance to believe him and now that he did, it all didn’t seem so bad anymore.

 

“So…” Justin interrupted, as he got up smiling, everything was ok now. They’d both forgotten he was there but Justin understood and gave them their time.

 

“You guys wanna watch a movie?” he suggested.

 

They could all use the break, a little relaxing time would do them all some good. Josh and Lance both agreed to that plan and they watched the movie together like normal teenagers and for once Josh really felt like a normal teenager and not the forced criminal he really was.

 

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