“Do you mind if I sit here?” a voice asked the next
day as Justin was eating lunch, by himself once again. But apparently not for
long. He looked up slowly, already recognizing the voice; Josh.
“Uh
no” Justin answered because he didn’t mind, he didn’t have to be rude and
hanging out at school was different than going to his house. It was more
personal and more personal meant more hurt.
“You
don’t have to ask everytime” Justin reassured him, smiling slightly.
“Thanks”
Josh said, sitting down opposite of him. Josh started his lunch as well but
neither said anything. They ate in silence, a few smiles were shared between
them as both were lost in their own thoughts.
***
They
sat together for the rest of the week but not much was said. They didn’t need
it though, the friendly, maybe more than friendly, smiles were all they needed.
Although Josh did want to ask a few questions; he did want to talk, he wanted
to get to know this boy but he didn’t ask anything. Justin really didn’t seem
to want him to. Justin, even without saying anything, send out the message that
he didn’t want to talk. Or Josh got that vibe when he sat with him, maybe he
was wrong... maybe not. He didn’t know. Justin didn’t try to talk to him either
and apart from the occasional talks about certain homework assignments or
teachers they both had, not much more was being said between them. Josh didn’t
ask again if he wanted to come over and although it made Justin a little sad;
he knew it was better this way.
***
Second
week, Tuesday afternoon. Josh decided that after a whole week off minimum talk
and sweet smiles it was time to try again to invite Justin over. He thought
he’d heard reluctance and hesitation in Justin’s voice that Monday night when
he’d first tried to invite him and he’d heard it that first day at lunch too
but he couldn’t help but ask again; he liked Justin and he wanted to get to
know him. He could always try. And so he did.
***
“You
wanna meet up later?” Josh asked, trying to act casual but knowing he was
failing. Justin met Josh’s eyes slowly, wrinkling his forehead, shaking his
head before he answered him.
“I
can’t” he said, the truth and a lie at the same time.
“I
told my mom I’d help her unpack” again the truth and a lie. He’d never helped
her before but he could. And well he couldn’t really meet up with Josh but he
could. It was too complicated.
“Oh”
Josh said, disappointed.
“I’m
sorry” Justin said honestly feeling bad, his face scrunched up, he didn’t want
to hurt Josh. He gave Josh another apologetic small smile before he turned and
walked away. Feeling bad but knowing it would be for the best in the long run.
Josh
watched shocked as Justin walked away from him, almost too quickly. The
negative answer to his question still ringing in his ears. Justin had once
again declined his invitation, had rejected him and Josh didn’t know what to
think. He’d heard a sad tone in his voice this time. He thought Justin liked
him but then why did he keep pushing him away? Why didn’t he want to hang out
together? Justin was special; Josh could feel it. He was different and Josh
really liked him but he wasn’t sure anymore, did Justin feel the same?
He
decided the only way he was going to find out was to ask him; again. And more
importantly; ask for an explanation if he refused again.
***
“You
wanna come over?” Josh asked, he felt attracted to this boy. He really did and
he just didn’t understand why Justin didn’t want to meet up.
“Uh
no” Justin declined with an apologetic smile.
“Thanks
though” Justin added, the apology still in his eyes. He wanted to be honest
though, he didn’t want to lead him on. He liked to eat with him at lunch but
there was no chance of something more. The reason to decline always the same;
he didn’t want to get hurt if they’d have to separate. Of course he didn’t want
Josh to get hurt either. Because he did like Josh and he had a feeling Josh
liked him too and that was just the bad thing about it all because with those
ingredients it was just bound to end in heartache.
“Why
not?” he asked uncertain, afraid to hear the answer and getting rejected. He
just didn’t understand why Justin kept declining; did he really not like him?
Were his instincts that said Justin did like him so wrong? Justin said nothing,
as he thought of an answer Josh eyed him.
“If
you don’t like me sitting with you or if you don’t want to come over,
you can tell me” Josh said, acting as if he wanted to know the truth, as if he
was sure it wouldn’t hurt but actually he was terrified it would hurt,
terrified he would get rejected but knowing that if Justin confirmed it, it
would definitely hurt.
“It’s
not that” Justin denied quickly; he didn’t want Josh to get the wrong idea.
“Then
what is it?” Josh asked gently. Justin sighed. He decided to tell in order to
reassure Josh that it indeed wasn’t him that held him back.
“I
like you Josh” Justin said honestly. Josh smiled.
“I
really do but...” he sighed once again.
“But
what?” Josh asked, scrunching up his face in anticipation of hurt as yet.
“But...
it’s no use” Justin said sadly, revealing his reason finally.
“No
use?” Josh repeated in confusion.
“Yes”
“Why
not?”
“I
um... move around a lot”
“So?”
Josh asked, not really understanding why that meant they couldn’t hang out.
“So
I will move again and I don’t want to make friends” Justin revealed why he’d
been pushing Josh away.
“Because
I’ll just have to leave the few friends I make behind and I’ve had to do that
too many times before”
“Is
that really why you keep pushing me away?” Josh asked gently.
Justin
nodded sadly, ducking his head a little.
“But
Justin,” Josh started, not really understanding.
“You
can’t push everyone away, you can’t stop yourself from making friends” he
reasoned. Justin knew it was true but Josh didn’t understand how it felt to
have to leave people you like. He knew Josh would probably have done the same
if he were in his shoes.
“Yes
I can. You don’t understand how it feels to have to leave people behind time
and time again” Justin argued a little angry, how could Josh judge him. He
didn’t know how much it hurts to have to leave just new made friends.
“No
I don’t” Josh agreed.
“But
I do know what it feels like to be alone and I know that hurts too” he said
honestly. He’d spent a good part of last year alone because a few guys in his
class had discovered he was gay. They’d played their cards right and for almost
four months Josh had been left alone by the whole school. Eventually it had
blown over and slowly people forgot about what had happened and allowed him
back into the social world. He’d made new friends but he would never forget
those few months wherein he’d been alone. It had been a very difficult time and
he couldn’t believe someone would choose the loneliness voluntarily.
Justin
ducked his head. Josh was right; being alone hurt too definitely but after
having to deal with the hurt of leaving people behind for years he found the
heartache of loneliness to be bearable, for now anyway. He was doomed to hurt
anyway because whether he choose to be lonely or make friends, it would hurt
either way but the hurt of loneliness was still bearable, he didn’t know how
long that would last though.
“Yeah,”
Justin said softly.
“It
does but I have to choose the least out of two evils”
“I
know” Josh sympathized.
“But
isn’t having fun even if it’s just for a little while, better than being alone
all the time?” Josh asked, softly but confronting. Justin shook his head.
“I
don’t know anymore” Josh stepped closer, slowly hugging him, cautiously, giving
Justin the opportunity to step away. But he didn’t. Justin let himself be
hugged silently letting Josh in.
***
“You
wanna come over?” a voice asked behind him. Josh twirled around startled,
meeting blue eyes and they were sparkling.
“What?”
Josh asked, taken aback, not grasping the words immediately. Not sure they were
real.
“Do
you wanna come over later?” Justin repeated without hesitation and a smile on
his face.
“You
sure?” Josh asked, knowing that it was a pretty big deal for Justin to invite
him over.
“Yes”
Justin said with a nod, determined and happy. Josh smiled.
“I’m
glad”
It
had taken a while for Justin to come to the conclusion that he indeed wanted to
befriend Josh. He liked Josh, he was different and he knew Josh was right.
Being alone hurt yes but the last few times it had been better than making friends.
However this time, being alone wasn’t better than making friends, not when Josh
was the friend and although they both knew it wouldn’t last forever, hell it
probably wouldn’t even last a year, he knew it would be worth it. At least
Justin thought Josh was worth the hurt they’d both feel in the end and he knew
Josh felt the same because otherwise he wouldn’t have come back time and time
again.
“So
you’ll come?” Justin asked hopefully, the smile brighter than ever. Josh
mimicked the smile, wondering how Justin could ask this; he already knew the
answer but for Justin he answered never the same.
“Of
course”
***
“Hey
what’s this?” Josh asked curiously as he spotted something in the corner when
he looked around Justin’s room. He liked that, he was always curious how other
people lived. What other people’s houses looked like. So when Justin had led
him upstairs to his room after introducing him to his mother Josh looked around
the room. Noting how empty it was.
Justin
had noticed how Josh frowned at all the empty spots. Despite the conversation
he’d had with his mother after just moving in, he hadn’t unpacked all of his
boxes like she’d asked. He was convinced that it was no use, not worth the
trouble or his time but he had unpacked a few more just for his mother. He
didn’t want to make her feel bad, it wasn’t her fault either but still he
didn’t unpack them all. He’d simply explained it to Josh by saying; it’ll save
me time when I’ll have to pack again. Josh smiled sadly, changing the subject
as something caught his eyes. A rolled up map, in the corner. He stepped up to
it, stretching his hand towards it.
“Do
you mind?” Josh asked suddenly, half turning towards Justin.
“No”
Justin shook his head and watched how Josh pulled out the rolled up paper. He
grasped one end and let it roll itself out.
“Wow”
he said truly amazed when he saw what the rolled up paper was exactly.
“This
is cool” Josh breathed, studying it more closely. It was a map, a map of the
United States of America with marked spots all over the country. The dots were
numbered and here and there pictures of the city stuck next to the dots. It
looked really cool and Josh assumed this was an overall picture of all the
places Justin had lived and frankly Josh was amazed. Because this was a lot, the
numbers and thus cities went up to 22 and Baltimore wasn’t even included.
“Yeah”
Justin sighed.
“You
lived in all these places?” Josh asked, still checking over the map. Justin had
practically lived all over the country. Every part, every big city. Josh now
fully understood why Justin was so afraid to get close to someone. He must have
moved at least every six months to be able to live in all those places.
“Uh
huh” Justin nodded slowly.
“You
should put it up” Josh suggested, wondering why such a beautiful thing was
stashed away in a corner.
“No”
Justin shook his head.
“Why
not, it looks amazing” Josh asked, looking up from the map for the first time.
“I
was born in Memphis, Tennessee but I don’t even remember living there, we moved
again when I was 10 months old” Justin started slowly.
“We
had a beautiful house in New Orleans, Louisiana but I couldn’t enjoy it, not
really, because we moved seven months later” he added, tears in his eyes.
“I
joined the basketball team when we lived in Orlando, Florida; I was ten but we
moved before the end of the season” Justin told him, another revelation.
“I
made that map when I was eleven, with a little help from my mom so I could keep
up with all the places I’ve lived in but I don’t want to be reminded of moving so
much” Justin said softly, wiping at his tears. Josh nodded in understanding,
feeling bad.
“I’m
sorry”
“Not
your fault” Justin said softly but with a reassuring smile. Josh returned the
smile, rolling up the paper and placing it back in the corner where he’d found
it, respecting Justin’s wish although he thought it was a shame.
***
“Oh
wow, you even have a basketball court” Josh said amazed as he went to the
window that looked out over the garden.
“Yeah”
Justin said with a small smile on his face. It was the only good thing about
living here. Actually all the houses they’d lived in were pretty big. They were
nice and comfortable. They however never had a say in which house they got, it
got taken care of and there was always a house ready where they could move into
when Randy was called to the next city. Justin knew he shouldn’t complain, he
was just glad it wasn’t necessary for them to live on the base. He knew that
would have been worse. He already felt like an outcast.
“What
you mean, you play too?” Justin asked suddenly. He hadn’t had someone to play
basketball with for a long time. It wasn’t worth the trouble to try out for the
basketball team either. And after playing by yourself for months and months; it
got old fast.
“Yeah”
Josh nodded, he wasn’t apart of the basketball team, he didn’t really want to
be. He just enjoyed to play now and then.
“Would
you... I mean... do you want to play now?” Justin asked, almost too eagerly.
“Sure”
Josh nodded, seeing how much Justin wanted it.
“Come
on” Justin urged suddenly, the words had barely left his mouth before Justin
dived into his closet to fetch his basketball. Moments later he was already
standing by the door, gesturing for Josh to follow him. Josh followed with a
smile, somewhat sad too because he had a feeling he knew why Justin was so
eager to play basketball with him.
***
It
was big that Justin had invited him over and Josh had more than enjoyed it,
especially because he knew it was big. Justin knew he’d taken a big step in
inviting Josh over to hang out with him but he was sure it was worth it. He
hadn’t played basketball with someone for so long and he hadn’t enjoyed himself
for so long. He knew it would hurt in the end but for now he didn’t care. He
didn’t want to think about it because it was no use. He wouldn’t be able to
stop it anyway and Josh was right; being alone hurt and he didn’t want to be
alone anymore. And with Josh as his friend; he didn’t have to be.
