“Don’t” Justin refused, turning away from Josh.
It
was a little over a month after Justin had finally let Josh in, really let him
in by inviting him over to his house. Since then he’d invited his friend over a
lot more and they’d gotten closer, a lot closer, maybe too close but Josh
wasn’t complaining and neither was Justin. He’d let Josh come closer, he’d even
allowed it when their friendship slowly turned into something more; when their
hands would brush against each other, when Josh touched his arm gently or his
arm went around his waist or shoulders in something more than a friendly way.
They’d both felt the attraction and Josh thought they were ready for the next
step. However for Justin this went too far; it would make it official, it would
seal the deal and so he’d quickly spun away from him when Josh’s lips had made
their way to his.
“Why
won’t you let me come close?” Josh asked finally, a little exasperated. He’d
thought they were finally okay. Justin had let him in but apparently he hadn’t.
Not really anyway.
“Because
it’s no use!” Justin countered, almost in tears.
“I
already told you! My dad gets transferred a lot, we move at least once every
six months. It’s no use making friends... or more” he added with a sad smile,
eyes watering, knowing what Josh had tried to do and frankly he felt the same
way but he’d lost friends and it had hurt but loosing a boyfriend was
different. He hadn’t done that before and he didn’t want to. Loosing friends
was bad enough.
“We’ll
move again in a few months and I’ll never see you again. I’ve had to start over
so many times... made new friends but I never saw them again. I never saw any
of them again, I’ve never had a friend for more than six months and I don’t
want to do it anymore. I don’t want to loose another friend I just... I can’t”
he sniffed explaining.
Josh
gently tugged him closer, he’d been a little angry when Justin rejected him
again but he couldn’t stay mad, he wrapped his arms around him.
“It’ll
be okay” he whispered in his ear. Justin joined in the hug, hiding his face in
Josh’s neck as he sniffled.
“I
don’t want to move anymore” he told him softly, his voice muffled against
Josh’s chest.
“I
know” Josh acknowledged.
“But
you can’t shut yourself off. You can’t stop living” Josh tried carefully still
holding Justin, comforting him the best way he could. Justin nodded slowly to
Josh’s relieve.
“I
don’t want to loose you” he whispered in contradiction. Because he did like
Josh, a lot, he was just afraid of loosing him because there was no doubt in
his mind whether or not he liked Josh enough to let him in. Just the hurt he
knew would come with it, was holding him back. Because if loosing friends hurt,
loosing a boyfriend would be even worse and he was afraid.
“I
know, I don’t want to loose you either” Josh agreed sadly, knowing now that it
was a big possibility that they would loose each other despite what they
wanted.
Josh
slowly pulled back, following his feelings and instincts as he slowly leaned
in, kissing Justin softly and gently.
This
time Justin didn’t pull back.
***
Just
like when Josh had just convinced him to be friends they hung out, they enjoyed
themselves and they had fun. However this time; it was different. Better
different. They were not only friends but it went further than that. The things
they did were the same however not quite. Justin allowed him to hold hands,
lightly touching and after their recent conversation; even kissing.
***
“Allow
me” Josh said as he paid for both tickets as the cashier told them the price
for the two tickets. It was Saturday night, their first night out as a couple.
They’d gone to movies as friends and they’d spend a few nights on Josh’s couch
watching movies as a couple but this was new and they were both very excited,
however also a bit nervous. Justin smiled shyly.
“Mr.
Charmer” Justin accused him with a smile but allowed Josh to pay for him.
However when they got to the popcorn Justin told him that he would pay for
this.
Josh
returned Justin’s comment with a smile. “Mr. Charmer”
Justin
smiled back happily before grabbing the popcorn and drinks. They went to the
theatre and settled themselves in the back corner. They soon also settled
themselves in each other’s arms. Justin snuggled close to Josh, he felt so safe
with him and he didn’t care about the other people in the theatre. This was the
north; people didn’t care he told himself. In comparison to the south where
being gay in high school could be lethal. It wasn’t totally excepted here
either but people pretty much left you alone or so he’d learned from Josh.
The
movie started but Justin wasn’t really watching, he couldn’t help but keep
stealing kisses from his boyfriend. He’d never had a boyfriend before and this
was all new to him. He however enjoyed every second of it and he was planning
to keep enjoying it.
They
were so good together; they understood each other. Josh understood how it
affected Justin to move so much. Basically because they could talk about
anything. Justin really felt like he could share his feelings with Josh and vice
versa. It just worked. Josh had convinced him that he shouldn’t let the fact
that he’d move again get in the way of his happiness and he realized Josh was
right. He was grateful that Josh had convinced him, had made him see that
separating yourself from everyone didn’t protect you and if it did, a little,
it certainly didn’t make you happy either.
He
grasped Josh’s hand lightly, weaving their fingers together. He was thankful he
hadn’t let his fear of getting hurt get in the way of this. He hadn’t let it
get in the way and he wouldn’t, not as long as he had Josh.
***
A
few months went by. Josh and Justin enjoyed each other fully. They were so
happy, especially Justin who often felt like he lived in the movies or TV-shows
he’d watched so often by lack of something real. He’d never thought to be so
happy actually he never thought anyone could be as happy as they’d show in
movies and on TV, let alone him but it was true. He was just as happy, if not
more and all because he had Josh in his life. He could even make himself forget
that it wouldn’t be permanently. He could make himself forget that the next
move was looming over him, it was like an earthquake; you knew it would happen,
you just didn’t know when. However this time he didn’t want to know because he
wanted to enjoy every second as it could be the last in this town, with Josh.
