Lucky To Be Loved

By:  Chantal

 

“Is that your son?” a teenage boy dared to ask, curious as hell as he followed the kid with curious eyes.

 

“No,” the other one said. “I’m only 16” he added as if that explained it.

 

“It could happen” the curious one shrugged.

 

“I’m Justin, this is my little brother”

 

“Oh, sorry”

 

“Don’t be, what’s your name?” Justin now asked curiously.

 

“Josh” he answered shyly.

 

“Nice to meet you Josh”

 

“Yeah you too”

 

“Where is your mom?” Josh asked still curious.

 

“You do ask a lot of questions don’t you” Justin countered.

 

Josh shrugged.

 

“My mom is dead, my dad is at work” he told him, everyone knew what had happened to his mother; this kid must be new.

 

“Oh,” Josh once again said. “Sorry” he added, feeling kind of bad for butting in.

 

Justin smiled a little. “It’s okay,” Justin reassured.

 

“I need to go” he added, he really needed to get home; his brother was waiting. He’d just picked his little brother up from daycare which was situated next to the school; he went there twice a week to give his brother some time and it was Justin’s job to pick him up on those days.

 

“I’ll see you around” Josh said.

 

“Sure,” Justin responded.

 

“Bye” Josh said friendly before walking away.

 

Justin watched him walk away; what a character.

 

***

 

“I’m home!” Justin called when he stepped inside.

 

“Why are you so late?!” an angry voice startled him as he set his three year old brother on the floor, helping him with his jacket.

 

“I ran into someone” Justin told him casually, patting his brother’s behind in a message he was done and he ran off immediately.

 

“I told you to be home at 4” Ryan, his five year older brother scolded.

 

“It’s 4.30!” Justin exclaimed, shrugging out of his own jacket.

 

“That’s not the point Justin” Justin sighed, Ryan always went so overboard with this.

 

“I’m sorry okay”

 

“Be home on time, next time” Ryan instructed giving him a light shove.

 

“Yes dad” Justin responded rolling his eyes.

 

“Oh hey” Mike said casually, strolling past his two brothers moving to the stairs. Justin stared openmouthed, when Mike was out of sight Justin turned towards Ryan.

 

“Wasn’t he supposed to be home at 4?”

 

“Yes I asked him to” Ryan confirmed. Justin’s eyes almost popped out of his head.

 

“Then why are you giving me a hard time, he’s late too!”

 

Ryan shook his head, “He’s nineteen Justin”

 

“So?!” Justin asked angrily.

 

“He’s an adult, he can do what he wants”

 

“That’s not fair!” Justin exclaimed angrily, he was sixteen, it pissed him off he couldn’t do what he wanted just because he wasn’t eighteen yet. Ryan just turned and left, going back to do the laundry. However Justin wasn’t finished with his brother.

 

“Ryan!” he called after him.

 

“What Justin?” Ryan sighed.

 

“This is not fair” he argued.

 

“Justin” Ryan sighed, trying to stay calm; Justin was the best whiner in the world and Ryan didn’t have a lot of patience for his brother’s specialty right now.

 

“I’ll tell you this one more time; Mike is an adult, I can’t tell him what to do. You are only sixteen and dad left me in charge so you listen to me and when I tell you I want you home by 4, you are home by 4, end of discussion” Justin crossed his arms over his chest and stomped off. He hated being one of the youngest. His youngest brother Daniel didn’t know what was going on and he had no trouble with Ryan but Justin did. He wanted to be treated like an adult too but Ryan never did. He treated him as if he was ten years old, telling him what time he had to be home.

 

It sucked, it really sucked.

 

***

 

“Hey buddy, whatcha doing?” Ryan asked as he crouched down next to Daniel

who was playing with his blocks on the living room floor.

 

“I makes a fort” he said proudly, as he picked up another block.

 

“Nice kiddo” Ryan praised, running a hand over the little boy’s head before he turned to Justin who was sulking on the couch, lazily watching TV but the anger coming off of him in waves.

 

“Justin don’t you have any homework to do?” Ryan asked, placing his hands in his sides in annoyance, he was quite sick of his attitude.

 

“No” Justin grumbled, turning the TV up.

 

“Justin” Ryan said in warning but Justin ignored him and turned the volume up some more. Ryan turned swiftly and turned the TV off, effectively cutting off the sound.

 

“Hey!” Justin exclaimed indignantly, jumping to his feet.

 

“I was watching that”

 

“Tough”

 

“Ryan!”

 

“No Justin, I’m quite sick of your attitude, go upstairs and start you homework”

 

“I do my homework when I damn well please!” Justin argued.

 

“This is it” Ryan said, he’d had enough, Justin just worked his last patience and Ryan was done. He stepped up to Justin and grabbed his arm, roughly pulling him along, upstairs to his room. Justin scowled the whole way, protesting and struggling but Ryan was bigger, even though Justin hated to admit it he was and he had no trouble getting Justin to his room. He shoved Justin lightly.

 

“Stay here and start you homework” he ordered before he closed the door in his face. He heard Justin cursing through the door but he ignored it and went downstairs, rubbing a hand over his face; this was exhausting.

 

***

 

“Justin! Get down here!” Michael Timberlake called upstairs for his son. He’d heard what had happened today and was ready to lecture his son. Justin knew better than to disobey his brother. Michael understood it could be frustrating for Justin he had to listen to his older brother but that was just the way it was. The way it had been for three years.

 

No one had wanted it to go this way; his beloved wife died, giving birth to Daniel and it had been a shock to all of them. Michael finally went back to work; he had to work to provide for his family of four and he was lucky Ryan had decided to take over the household. It had been a normal thing for Ryan he saw it as his duty and Michael couldn’t be happier; he knew he wouldn’t have made it without the help of his eldest son although he was not completely happy with it. Michael didn’t think it was Ryan’s responsibility but Ryan had insisted and he’d taken care of everything. Daniel had been a baby at the time and they all helped to make it work but especially Justin had his rebellious moments every now and then. Ryan and Michael worked together to get him back in his easy going mood. It usually didn’t take a lot of persuasion but it needed to be done.

 

“I want to have a word with you” Michael announced when Justin sauntered down the stairs, knowing he would get lectured. He followed his father into the living room and sat down opposite of him.

 

“I heard what happened today. Justin, I expect you to listen to Ryan when I’m not home” Michael told his son strictly.

 

“But dad…” Justin argued immediately.

 

“No, I want you to listen to him, he’s the oldest and he knows best” Michael cut him off.

 

“No he doesn’t!”

 

“Yes he does, you listen to him, I don’t want to hear about you disobeying him again, understood?” Michael demanded.

 

“Yes dad” Justin said reluctantly, slumping in his seat.

 

“And as for Mike, he’s nineteen, he can…”

 

“Do whatever he wants and I have to do everything Ryan tells me” Justin finished lamely.

 

“It’s not fair dad!” Justin picked up his argument again.

 

“Not everything is fair Justin” Michael said as he eyed his son. Justin saw he was talking about their mother and no that hadn’t been fair either; they needed her but she still died.

 

“I know” he choked.

 

“Just listen to him, please?” Michael asked warily.

 

“Okay” Justin relented. He didn’t want to give his father a hard time. Justin could see he was tired and he knew he worked hard all day so he could support them. He caved although he was still angry he decided not to take it out on his father.

 

Michael smiled and pulled his son up; “Let’s eat”

 

“Kay”

 

***

 

“What’s wrong with you today?” Chris asked his friend as Justin opened his locker with a little more violence than necessary.

 

“Ryan is pissing me off” Justin complained.

 

“What has he done now?” Chris sighed.

 

“He keeps acting as if I’m a kid. He lets Mike do whatever he damn well

pleases and he wants me to do everything he wants”

 

“Did you tell your father?”

 

“He won’t do anything about it; he says I have to listen to Ryan”

 

“Then do” Chris said simply. Justin was a very good friend of his but he could be a big baby sometimes. Drama queen all the way.

 

“What?” Justin asked surprised.

 

“You’ve been listening to him for years what’s wrong now?”

 

“He acts as if I’m still the same age. I’m sixteen now, he can’t tell me what to do” Justin told him indignantly.

 

“Yes he can” Chris pointed out.

 

“Shut up Chris, you don’t understand. You’re the oldest and you’re an adult” Justin said angrily.

 

“Cheer up, little one” Chris said with a small smile.

 

“Don’t call me that” Justin grumbled.

 

“Fine, I’m going to class, later” Chris said backing off, when Justin got like this it was best to leave him be and come back later and so he did.

 

***

 

“Hey Julian, how’s it going?” Josh asked friendly as he spotted the popular guy of his class in the hallway. It was only his second day and he wanted to make a lot of friends.

 

“Who are you?” Julian retorted a little hostile.

 

“Josh” Josh said happily.

 

“Never seen you before” Julian stated, still unsure of what this boy wanted.

 

“I’m new, saw you with Nicole though, you guys together?” Josh stated before firing his first question.

 

“What is it to you?” Julian asked incredulously.

 

“I’m just making conversation. So she seems nice, she likes you, you going out? Or do you like someone else?” Josh waltzed right over the issue, firing more questions.

 

“What the hell are you asking me all these question for?” Julian asked, getting annoyed now.

 

“I told you; no reason just trying to make a friend. I heard there’s a party tonight. You going?” Josh asked as if they were friends.

 

“Go away”

 

“Why?” he countered still pretty happy although Julian got less and less happy as he spoke to him.

 

“Come on Josh I need your help” someone interrupted the inevitable fight. Josh turned.

 

“Oh hey Justin” Josh smiled, recognizing the boy he’d met yesterday.

 

“Get this boy away from me Timberlake” Julian growled.

 

“Sure thing” Justin reassured, blocking Julian’s view of Josh.

 

“Good” he said before walking off. Justin then turned to Josh.

 

“What were you doing?”

 

“Just making conversation” Josh shrugged.

 

“Why do you ask so many questions?”

 

Josh shrugged again.

 

Justin sighed. “I wouldn’t bother Julian anymore he’s a bit aggressive”

 

Josh just nodded.

 

“You got English now too right?”

 

Josh again nodded.

 

“Come on then, I’ll walk you” Justin offered, he understood how difficult it could be to be new.

 

“Sure” Josh accepted.

 

“And your welcome” Justin mumbled.

 

Josh looked down, pretending he didn’t hear him. He couldn’t help the blush that spread over his cheeks but he made sure Justin didn’t see it; he was not going to show him any emotion because emotion led to vulnerability and that was something he couldn’t be; he refused to be.

 

***

 

“Where are you going?” Josh asked, coming up behind Justin as he said goodbye to Chris and walked to the exit at the end of the day. Chris had seen Justin’s better mood and talked as if nothing happened, no apology necessary. They didn’t need it, they knew there were no hard feelings. They could take a lot from each other; they’d been friends forever.

 

“Home” Justin said quickly, he was in a hurry. He was still mad at Ryan but he didn’t want his father to have to worry about him. He had enough on his mind.

 

“Can I come?” Josh asked nonchalantly but Justin picked up the hopeful tone.

 

“Why?”

 

Josh shrugged. He didn’t want to tell Justin that he was dreading to go home. He still didn’t feel comfortable and he always dreaded going home.

 

“Fine” Justin sighed, he didn’t care really. He knew he had to go home and Josh was holding him up so he gave in.

 

“Just hurry I need to get home”

 

“Sure” Josh said agreeable but Justin spotted the happy undertone in his voice. It made him quite curious.

 

Why was Josh asking so many questions all the time?

 

He seemed very careless and nonchalant but something about him hinted the opposite.

 

***

 

“I’m home!” Justin yelled as soon as he stepped inside, shrugging out of his jacket as he signalled Josh to do the same.

 

“Ju-tin!” a little kid came flying into the hallway, throwing himself at Justin who easily picked him up and settled him on his arm.

 

“Hey kiddo, how are you doing?”

 

“Fine” Daniel responded seriously.

 

“You had a good day?”

 

“Uh-huh” Daniel responded as he wrapped his chubby arms around his brother. Justin accepted the hug, kissed his cheek before putting him down, patting his behind once his feet touched the ground and as always he took off running in the direction he came from.

 

“My youngest brother, Daniel” Justin explained.

 

“You told me” Josh said, making Justin remember the previous day.

 

“Right” Justin smiled a little.

 

“Come on. You want a drink?”

 

“Sure”

 

“Kay” Justin said, leading them to the kitchen where he found Ryan. He opened the fridge without a word to his brother, after all he was still angry and when they left the kitchen they still hadn’t spoken.

 

“Who was that?” Josh asked once they were out of earshot.

 

“My eldest brother”

 

“How old is he?”

 

“21”

 

“Whoa” Josh said surprised. Justin shrugged.

 

“Why didn’t you say anything to him?” Josh wondered.

 

“I’m mad at him”

 

“Why?” Josh asked confused.

 

“Because he treats me like a little kid”

 

“Aren’t older brothers always like that?” Josh wondered out loud. Justin shrugged.

 

“I don’t know, it just pisses me off” Justin said annoyed as they climbed the stairs. They passed another boy and Josh started to wonder just how many people lived here.

 

“Hey Justy” Mike greeted friendly, he was always friendly, easy going guy.

 

“Hey” Justin replied still annoyed.

 

“Hi” Mike said to Josh.

 

“Hey” Josh greeted back. The boy smiled before further descending the stairs going into the living room.

 

“Who was that?” Josh asked, this boy sure asked a lot of question, Justin thought but he answered nevertheless.

 

“My older brother”

 

“Geez how many brothers do you have?” Josh asked astonished.

 

“Three, you saw them all now” Justin grinned a little.

 

“Must be cool to have so many brothers” Josh said as he walked after Justin to his room.

 

“Not really” Justin shook his head.

 

“Why not?” Josh asked incredulously. How could it not be fun to have so many brothers, to have someone.

 

“I’d just like to be alone for once. Nice and quiet” Justin said, sitting down on his bed while Josh did the same.

 

“It’s not all it’s cracked up to be” Josh blurted. Justin sat up, staring at Josh from his position on the bed; Josh on the opposite side.

 

“You an only child?” Justin asked.

 

“Uh-huh”

 

“That must be nice”

 

“I wish I had brothers” Josh said wistfully.

 

“You can have ‘em” Justin said, it was a playful thing to say. Of course he didn’t mean it but Josh took it very seriously.

 

“Don’t say that” he said pretty soft.

 

“Be glad you have them”

 

Justin stared at him, looking him over. So Josh was an only child, he obviously didn’t like it but didn’t you always want what you didn’t have?

 

Somehow it seemed different with Josh.

 

***

 

Josh sought Justin out at school. Josh became friends with Chris as well and they hung out together at school and a lot of times Josh came home with Justin after school. Justin liked Josh and he thought Josh liked him too but he had a feeling there was another reason why he came along so often. He had the feeling it had something to do with his brothers. He remembered that first day when Josh had told him he should be glad he had brothers and something about that statement hadn’t just been advice, it sounded like he knew what he was talking about, it sounded like he was talking from experience.

 

Josh liked it at Justin’s house; he enjoyed spending time with Justin and he looked wistfully at all those brothers. Justin’s full house. It was the place he’d rather be than the place he called his home.

 

***

 

“Who do you keep bringing over Justin?” Ryan asked one afternoon when Justin was alone, sitting on the couch.

 

“Josh, he’s a friend” Justin answered without looking at his brother.

 

“You hang out with him a lot” Ryan stated.

 

“Yeah so?” Justin asked, not liking his brother’s statement.

 

“What about your homework?”

 

“I will get it done okay. It’s no big deal” Justin replied, shrugging.

 

“Okay, just don’t bring him around too often you still have your work and so does he I assume”

 

“Fine” Justin grumbled. Why did Ryan always have to be top of him? He could take care of himself. He could handle this. He was sick of being treated like a child.

 

“Justin,” Ryan sighed. “I don’t tell you this to bug you”

 

“Yes you do!” Justin countered.

 

“Believe it or not, I don’t. I just want to help you” Ryan told him, he didn’t want to fight with Justin all the time but it seemed that that was all they could do. Justin was acting more and more rebellious and although Michael and Ryan tried their best to keep Justin easy going, lately it hadn’t been going that well. Justin only seemed to worsen, thinking Ryan only bugged him because he could and Ryan could understand that. When he was

Justin’s age that’s what he’d thought when his mother kept bugging him. It was not the same but he’d rebelled against his mother the same way Justin was rebelling against him right now and although Ryan hadn’t listened to his mother when she’d tried to tell him she was only doing it to help him, he could still try to get Justin to listen. Because no matter how many times he’d told his mother to go away, she never did and he was determined to do the same with Justin.

 

He wouldn’t go anywhere and Justin would see he was only doing this to help him.

 

“No you only want to bug me” Justin scowled, crossing his arms over his chest.

 

“Why would I do that?”

 

“Because you can” Justin grumbled.

 

“Justin I know it’s hard to listen to me. I’d rather have mom here to lecture you but… well she’s not and it’s my job to keep you on track and that’s what I’m going to do. I’m sorry if you hate that but I won’t go anywhere” Ryan lectured. Justin’s angry features somewhat abated but not completely.

 

“Leave me alone” Justin mumbled. Ryan patted his knee before getting up and going into the kitchen, leaving Justin alone like he wanted although he knew Justin really didn’t want to be alone. He wasn’t going anywhere and he just hoped Justin saw this through his angry haze.

 

***

 

The lecture Ryan had given him somewhat helped Justin’s mood. He realized that maybe Ryan wasn’t doing this to bug him, maybe he meant well and although he still hated being treated like a kid he did talk to his brother again. Justin hadn’t said anything to him unless it was necessary for weeks, being grumpy all the time but after Ryan’s lecture Justin somewhat got his easy going mood back. He talked to Ryan more but still not as much as he usually did. Ryan was happy it had somewhat worked but he knew Justin wouldn’t realize he was truly only helping him till he got older. He was after all a teenager.

 

***

 

Josh still came over and the more they hung out the more Justin liked him. Justin discovered that he got more and more intrigued in Josh with every afternoon they spent together. Josh was mysterious although they hung out almost every day Justin still didn’t know all that much about him. He knew practically nothing and that intrigued him.

 

Josh in his turn felt very at ease with Justin, he relaxed when he was around him and that felt good. Justin made him feel safe. Justin and his house full of brothers made him feel at ease. They made him feel good. Although he still wasn’t totally himself he felt he was at least some form of the person he used to be. The person he only dared to be when he was alone.

 

***

 

And then it happened one night. Justin had invited Josh over to watch a movie in his room which Josh had happily accepted. They crawled on Justin’s bed together. When Justin started the movie they were both on their respected sides of the bed. However further into the movie they both caught themselves moving closer to each other, halfway through their sides touched, 2 third into the movie Justin had moved his arm around Josh’s shoulders and when the closing credits rolled over the screen Josh had snuggled

against Justin’s side with Justin’s arm around his shoulders.

 

They’d both felt it coming, they realized they were drawn to each other and now as they stared at one another, the music of the closing credits in the background, their lips moved to each other, meeting halfway.

 

They kissed gently and slowly, Josh laying in Justin’s arms and for the first time he felt loved.

 

***

 

“Where are you going?” Ryan asked as he caught a glimpse of his brother’s flight down the stairs. Justin walked in the living room.

 

“I’m meeting Josh” Justin explained, Ryan knew they were together. He’d caught them kissing in the living room and although he was quite surprised, he really wasn’t. It really was no big deal to them and Justin couldn’t be happier.

 

“No you’re not” Ryan countered. Justin’s face fell.

 

“What?”

 

“It’s a Tuesday night, you have school tomorrow. I don’t want you going out this late”

 

“It’s only 9!” Justin protested, they weren’t together for very long and wanted to spend every moment together; his brother however put a stop to that much to Justin’s annoyance.

 

“It’s too late to go out” Ryan said, he hated making his brother angry again; he was doing so well lately. Josh really made him happy he figured but Justin knew the rules; he knew he couldn’t go out on a school night. It were old rules and Ryan would make sure he obeyed them.

 

“Tough, you’re not the boss of me. I do what I want”

 

“Yes I am, dad put me in charge and you listen to me or I’ll tell dad and he’ll punish you instead”

 

Justin glared. “Where is dad?” he asked through gritted teeth.

 

“He’s working late tonight and I say you can’t go”

 

“Ryan” Justin whined.

 

“You can go Friday” Ryan offered.

 

“Friday?! But that’s three days away!”

 

“Wherever you want to go to, it will still be there on Friday” Ryan said, pushing Justin back in the direction of the stairs.

 

“You are impossible!” Justin grumbled before pounding up the stairs, not caring about the fact that Daniel was already asleep.

 

“Be quiet!” Ryan admonished.

 

“Or you won’t be going anywhere on Friday either”

 

Justin sulked in silence and closed the door of his bedroom, louder than usually but still considering the fact that his baby brother was already asleep in the next room.

 

Ryan sucked.

 

His life sucked.

 

***

 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t make it, Ryan wouldn’t let me go” Justin apologized as he met Josh in the hallway at school the next day.

 

“Why not?” Josh asked, brushing his hand against Justin’s earning him a small smile.

 

“Because it was a Tuesday night” Justin responded, rolling his eyes. Josh smiled.

 

“That’s okay, we’ll go Friday?”

 

“Sure,” Justin beamed. “I’d like that”

 

***

 

They did go Friday and they had a good time, they always had. They had a lot of things in common and could talk for hours, the only thing however they hardly ever talked about was Josh. Justin noticed this more and more. Josh asked a lot of questions especially at the start but he never answered the returning ones. They also never went to Josh’s place and the few times that they did go, Josh ushered him up the stairs quickly and no explanation why he did it. Justin had tried at first to get some of his questions answered

but Josh just ignored him or talked around it, changing the subject quickly and Justin soon decided to drop it. If he didn’t want to talk about it, it was obvious that he didn’t, he wouldn’t pry but Justin just didn’t understand why he wouldn’t talk about it.

 

***

 

As their relationship evolved they grew more and more at ease with each other. Josh still hadn’t told Justin anything, his life was still pretty unknown to Justin but that was okay. Justin never persisted, he let him be. Josh gave him clues, a little insight as to how he was feeling but it was never a lot. Until that night, late in the evening.

 

***

 

Urgent knocking caught Justin’s attention as he was just about to go upstairs. It was pretty late and he knew he should have been in bed already but he didn’t care. He moved to the front door and peeked through the small window next to the door. His eyes widened when he spotted the person in front of the door. He quickly flipped the lock and opened the door.

 

“Justin” the soft whimper emitted from his boyfriend and the next moment he held him in his arms. Josh had thrown himself at Justin, clinging to him like a scared small child.

 

“Josh, baby what’s wrong?” Justin asked worriedly.

 

“They… they don’t… want… me…. anymore” Josh managed in between sobs as

Justin tried to close the door and guide his love to the couch.  Justin had no idea what he was talking about; he knew nothing about Josh’s life and no earthly idea what could have gotten him so upset.

 

“Come on baby, let’s get you to the couch” Justin urged, keeping his arms around Josh but gently pulling him along with him. Josh allowed Justin to guide him to the couch and minutes later they sank into the cushions together. Josh tightened his grip on Justin and pulled himself closer to his safe haven, crying heavily. Justin stroked his hair, rocking him, keeping him safe; still not knowing what was going on but still he didn’t persist.

He let Josh cry against him as long as he wanted and for as long as he needed.

 

“They… they… don’t want… me… anymore” Josh repeated once he calmed down a little.

 

“Who doesn’t?” Justin asked softly, not wanting to pressure him, keeping his tone light.

 

“My… my foster parents” Josh hiccupped; he’d finally revealed it. Justin’s eyebrows furrowed; his face scrunched up in temporary confusion.

 

“You… you’re adopted?”

 

Josh nodded against his chest, fresh tears welling in his eyes.

 

“They… they said I had to… go back” Josh cried.

 

“Go back where?” Justin once again asked gently.

 

“The… orphanage” he whispered, shaking. His foster parents had told him he had to go back; he knew they thought he was too much trouble although they’d done nothing to help him. When he got the news he fled to Justin; the only person who could make him feel safe.

 

“Oh Josh” Justin whispered sympathetically, pulling him closer, tears welling in his own eyes.

 

“All my life, people have rejected me... first my own mother, I never knew my father and… and then couple after couple giving me… hope, telling me… they wanted me to live… live with them. But it was all… all a lie, they all send… send me back. I thought I had… protected myself, I thought… I could handle it, I thought it wouldn’t… hurt anymore but… why does it still hurt? I should be… be used to it by now. Why… do they all want to hurt me?” Josh had bit back the tears after every sentence break but with his heart wrenching question he broke down again, he buried his face in Justin’s neck and cried all that he had.

 

“I will never hurt you, I promise” Justin said soothingly, meaningful. He didn’t know if Josh had heard him but he kept repeating it, kept rocking him, hoping to make him feel better, knowing that he couldn’t; not really.

 

***

 

Justin understood then. Josh fooled everyone that he was happy but he really wasn’t. Justin had been there when Josh was smiling and happily asking questions but something in his eyes had always told Justin that something was wrong. He now knew. Josh was far from happy. He’d had a tough life and acting happy was the only way to prevent himself from getting depressed. With acting happily he forced himself to be somewhat happy although he was far from being happy.

 

He pretended to be outgoing, kind to everyone and happy but sometimes Justin had seen another side of him; he was actually very shy. Josh allowed no one to get close, no one really knew him, Josh had never told him anything about himself in all the time they spend together. Justin figured the people he’d lived with for almost six months didn’t know him either; Justin could only assume but he didn’t think six months was enough for Josh to open up. Josh had told him he’d only recently started to trust them a bit and he showed parts of himself sometimes but never a lot and not frequently. Justin now knew it was a way to protect himself; he’d had a lot of homes and a lot of people as parents but no one ever stayed around. Josh had learned by now that opening up, totally opening up left you very vulnerable and Josh had been hurt too many times.

 

He wouldn’t show vulnerability anymore; not easily anyway.

 

***

 

Justin visited him at the shelter Josh found himself to be in only a week after he’d gotten the news from his foster parents. Josh honestly believed he would never find a real family that would take him in and would keep him. He often felt like a discarded puppy, everyone wanted it but no one wanted to go to the trouble of raising it.

 

There might be more couples on the way, ready to adopt him but Josh was sure they would all send him back after an amount of time, till the day would come when he would finally be eighteen years old and could live on his own.

 

He wondered if the fact that he didn’t open up to people anymore had anything to do with the fact that they kept rejecting him. Maybe it did but Josh didn’t want to open up anymore. Josh realized he pretended to be something he was not; hell he did it on purpose. It was the only thing he had left to protect himself. Although it didn’t work completely it was at least something. He figured it had hurt this much this time because he’d started to open up a little and they still rejected him so he knew that opening up would only lead to heartbreak.

 

However Justin was different. Josh was afraid of getting hurt when he would let people in but Justin never gave him the feeling that he needed to protect himself.

 

Josh realized he trusted him; why else would he have come to Justin with his hurt?

 

He’d trusted Justin enough to share it with him and that meant a lot. Justin gave him the happiness he’d pretended to feel for so long.

 

Josh in his turn made Justin see how lucky he was to, even after his mom died, have a family, a family that cared about him.

 

***

 

“I love you, Ryan, I’m sorry I’m such a pain. I love you, thank you for always being here” Justin thanked him sincerely as he hugged him tight. Ryan was dumbfounded.

 

“You’re welcome” he whispered.

 

“What brought this on?” he asked when he pulled back. Justin hadn’t really been nice to him lately and this caught him off guard.

 

“Josh” Justin said miserably.

 

Justin realized how lucky he was to have brothers, to have a family. He now understood Josh’s statement when he said he should be happy he had them. He didn’t realize just how lucky he was until now. Justin was never alone, there was always someone there for him but Josh was always alone.

 

Justin knew he would never take his brothers for granted again; he was lucky to have them.

 

***

 

Josh stayed in the shelter but he also stayed with Justin. Justin made him happy; happier than the umpteenth parents ever could because he’d let Justin in. He trusted him and he realized he could show him vulnerability and he wasn’t afraid. He wasn’t afraid to get hurt. He trusted Justin wouldn’t hurt him. Justin only ever kept him safe, kept him shielded from all the hurt in the world. He trusted Justin with his heart, he even trusted him with his vulnerability and he figured that that could only be one thing; love.

 

The End