Josh didn’t even get a chance to properly say
goodbye to all the people he’d worked with for years. It wasn’t that he needed
to but it was principle. Dan released him that same day and so without knowing
it then; Wednesday had been his last day at work.
One
day of staying home and he already missed his work. The first day had been
spent in bed, the whole day Louisa had laid in his arms and she’d loved it.
However the next day she had a lunch appointment or something and she left him
at home, waiting for her. Louisa didn’t have a job, she didn’t need it but that
didn’t mean she was home at all times. She had a lot of people to see and she
was away quite often, during the day that was. When she got home he was needed
again, making Josh feel more and more like a puppy waiting for his owner to
come home and demand his attention. He really didn’t have anything to do when
she was out and he was bored out of his mind.
After
a few days however Dan sought him out. Josh was totally shocked when Dan told
him he was allowed to go see his brother now. It had been weeks since he’d been
allowed to go see Justin and Josh wondered if they’d noticed how utterly
miserable he felt being cooped up in this house. Or maybe they’d only been
concerned Justin would get suspicious if they didn’t allow him this. Either way
Josh didn’t care; he would get a distraction from this boring existence and
whatever reason, he really didn’t give a damn.
***
“You
did what?” Justin exclaimed as he heard the news.
“I
quit my job” Josh repeated, cringing on the inside.
“What
on earth for, I thought you loved that job” Justin asked, he didn’t believe
this.
“I
did, not a lot but I did like it but I… don’t need it anymore”
“Because
you live with Louisa now?” Justin asked, anger in voice as he frowned deeply.
“Yes
I don’t need the money” Josh answered honestly; he didn’t need the money but he
wanted that job. He would have done it for nothing if it meant he could leave
the house more often.
“I
can’t believe this” Justin told him, shaking his head.
“What?”
“I
can’t believe you quit your job to be with her” Justin expressed his feelings.
It was what he’d been thinking for quite some time; he didn’t understand why
Josh did all those things for her. He never seemed happy about it but he still
did it.
“I
like it,” Josh said simply.
Justin
continued to shake his head.
“I’m
sorry I didn’t tell you sooner it was sort of an impulsive thing”
“Right”
Justin said.
“I
should go, Louisa is waiting for me” Josh excused himself although the tone in
Justin’s voice ate at him.
“Sure”
Justin responded.
“I’ll
be back soon, we’ll do something fun okay?”
“Sure”
he said smiling a little but there wasn’t the normal enthusiasm behind it.
“Kay,
well take care, bye” Josh hugged Justin before moving outside.
Justin
watched him go. “Bye”
***
Justin
wasn’t angry, not really he was more worried than anything else. He just didn’t
understand his brother lately. He’d wanted to leave her than he’d changed his
mind, twice. He moved in with her suddenly. He didn’t come to visit as often,
suddenly he was too busy and now he’d quit his job.
What
next?
The
whole situation felt wrong, the whole thing didn’t add up and the worst thing
was that he’d had this feeling for months. It had grown, it had never lessened
or even gone away but there was nothing that confirmed his suspicion. Nothing
that could help him figure this out. Josh always avoided the question, went
around them not to answer and Chris didn’t seem to see how things were. Some
part of Justin said that Chris didn’t see what he saw, he couldn’t really
because he hadn’t been involved but Justin wished he would have been. Chris
would be able to help him if he would have been here from the beginning but it
wasn’t fair to Chris. Justin knew Chris had come here to get a little bit of
peace and quiet and now he was telling him about all his suspicions. He knew it
wasn’t fair but he had nowhere else to go with this.
Unfortunately
in the end there was nothing Justin could do. If he tried to ask Josh he ducked
the issue and so he never got anywhere. He simply didn’t know what was going on
and nothing he could do to find out. He didn’t know for sure if there was
something wrong and that made him question himself. He didn’t want to but he
couldn’t help it since nobody seemed to see there was something not right. He
felt helpless, almost useless and that made him angry.
***
Three
weeks passed by like this. Josh stayed home, doing absolutely nothing but what
Louisa demanded of him. When she was around he spent time with her, he had to,
but when she was gone Dan sometimes allowed him to go see Justin. It was only
when Louisa had left the house that he was able to go and although it helped to
pass the hours somewhat Josh still thought he had way too much time on his
hands nowadays. He knew he’d go crazy like this. Justin was the only person
that connected him to a normal life.
This
was not normal, he was a prisoner and over the weeks he got madder and madder.
Mad at the people who’d made him one. He’d always been an independent guy, he
knew what he wanted and how to get it. He took good care of himself and his
little brother, at some times, and he just wasn’t made for this. He thought no
one was but certainly not him. He was not the type to depend on someone. He was
not the type who needed someone else to make his choices. He was not the type
who you could tell what to do. He was not the type who you could tell how to
live and he was certainly not the type who you could tell what to feel. These
people thought they could.
They
thought they could steer him, tell him how to act and how to feel. They even
thought they could own him. Own him as if they’d bought him in a store. Program
him as if he were a machine you could customize to your own needs. Order him
around as if they’d bought a slave. Keep him inside as if he were a prisoner.
They
acted as if they had a right to treat him this way. They acted as if there was
nothing wrong with what they were doing. They acted as if his feelings didn’t
matter a damn thing. They acted as if he didn’t have feelings. The more he
thought about it, and he had a lot of time to think these days, the angrier he
got. He knew he couldn’t let go of his anger because the only people who would
suffer were himself and his brother. But the more days passed the harder it got
to hold it back.
***
“Come
here baby” Louisa invited him over as she opened her arms for him. He stayed
where he was, what did she think? I’m not a damn dog.
“You
come here” he countered. He couldn’t help it, before he knew he’d said it and
he was met with a frown, then a hard glare.
“I
said come here Josh” she repeated as if talking to a dog. Maybe she thought
that was what he was; her dog, her property.
“I’m
not your lapdog, if you want me in your arms you come to me. You got legs just
like me” he told her. He didn’t know where this was coming from, well he knew
of course but it seemed that the filter in his mouth, keeping him from saying
these things had melted away. All the words he’d been holding in spilled out
and he didn’t think there was anything he could do to stop it. He didn’t even
know if he wanted to do something that would stop it.
“I
wouldn’t push it Josh” she warned.
“Come
here, now” she demanded. There was nothing in her tone that gave room for
argument and he suddenly remembered what was at stake. It had seemed erased
from his mind, as if he didn’t know why he was even here. He remembered now and
he knew he really shouldn’t push it so he went to her. Went to her like the dog
he was. He automatically wrapped his arms around her, hoping to make her forget
the temporary disobedience. He felt her slowly respond to the hug and he knew
she’d forgotten his slip up as she whispered in his ear.
“Good
boy”
***
“Can
I go now?” he asked irritated a few days later and he was once again arguing
with Louisa. He had to get out of the house for a while. Justin was probably in
class so he couldn’t go to him but he just wanted to get away. He could feel
himself getting angry again and he needed to control it before he’d say something
he’d truly regret.
“Um
okay, where are you going?” she asked.
“Shopping”
he said short with her.
“Can
I come?” she asked excitedly.
“No
I’d rather not”
“Why
not?” she asked insulted.
“I’d
like some time for myself… if that’s okay with you. If you allow me” he asked
wincing at the weak tone in his voice but he figured if he’d be nice to her
she’d agree easier. He hoped that if he would be nice to her she’d agree to let
him do something on his own. He was desperate for some time alone so he put on
his best behavior to convince her.
She
was shocked for a moment but said, “Okay hold on”
Louisa
walked away quickly, looking for her brother, walking back with instructions
ten minutes later.
“Okay
you can go” Josh was delighted he got some time alone. It didn’t last long
though.
“Matt
will come with you”
“What?”
he asked in disbelief. She stared at him while calling for Matt.
Dan
had told her to not let him go out alone if he wasn’t going to Justin. Dan had
told her to send Matt with Josh.
“How
is that time for myself with him following me?”
“He’ll
keep some distance but he has to go for the credit cards” she assured him like
that made a difference.
Josh
knew the credit cards were a lie. He wasn’t planning on buying anything he just
wanted to go. Josh didn’t care about the money, the mall was, as crazy as it
sounded, a good place to be alone but Louisa ruined the plan when she sent Matt
along with him. Supposedly for the money but Josh knew it was more for the
security; to keep an eye on him.
“But…”
“Do
you want to get out of the house?” she sneered.
“Yes”
“Then
you can either satisfy with Matt following you or you can not go at all. Your
choice” she said awaiting his answer by crossing her arms over her chest.
“Fine”
he agreed already walking towards the front door.
***
Josh
was happy he could walk around the mall, he hadn’t been there in some time. At
least not doing things he wanted, going where he pleased. He’d accompanied
Louisa a few times but he was only there to follow her around. She wanted to
show him off, showing that he trailed behind her, that she had a good
boyfriend. He’d hated it but let it go.
This
time however he could visit the stores he wanted and he happily took advantage
of that. He wasn’t really planning on buying anything he just wanted to make
sure that the time he was alone would be as long as possible.
Who
knew when he’d get a chance to be alone again?
So
to stall time and make it last forever he looked through clothing racks he
didn’t even like and took his time examining every single piece of clothing
before going to the next store doing the exact same thing. They were at the
umpteenth store when Matt ruined his fun and tapped him on the shoulder.
“Let’s
go” he instructed.
“I’m
not done yet” Josh told him as if he had anything to say about this.
“Did
I make it sound like a request?” he hissed into his ear.
“We’re
leaving now” he said leaving no room for an argument but Josh did it anyway. He
figured Matt couldn’t force him to leave in a store full of people.
“No
and for once you can’t make me”
Matt
looked him straight in the eye. Josh got scared by just looking at him but he
wasn’t going to let him win. Not this time.
“What
are you going to do make a scene in the middle of the store? Not a very good
idea now is it?” Josh challenged. He knew he’d overstepped his boundaries when
he met Matt’s angry glare.
“Listen
kid, I’m only saying this once. You get your scrawny butt out of this store
right now and maybe just maybe I won’t kill once we get home”
Josh
was numb, he felt glued to the floor. The grip on Josh’s arm had increased and
Josh blinked as the words slowly sunk in.
“I’d
suggest you do it fast” Matt warned when Josh still hadn’t moved. Slowly Josh
was able to move his feet in the direction of the door with Matt still speaking
in hushed but harsh tones.
“I
won’t be so nice when we get back and I’m sure Dan won’t be either once he
hears about this” Josh almost flew to the car, not daring to slow his pace with
Matt so close on his heels, behind him. Matt shoved him inside before he got in
himself and drove them home.
“That
was a very wrong move”
