Chapter 13
“Josh,”
Justin addressed his lover when they were together again. He watched as Josh
was making lunch for the both of them. It was a week after he’d made the deal
with the devil, well it felt like he’d made a deal with the devil because the
guilt he was feeling was enormous.
“Yeah
baby?” Josh responded, worrying a little at the seriousness in his boyfriend’s
voice.
“I
have to tell you something” he started, not knowing how to start. He’d made the
decision to tell Josh about the deal he’d made. He needed to be honest with
him. It was bad enough he’d have to do this but going behind his lover’s back
would kill him and Josh would definitely notice if something was wrong.
“Sounds
serious” Josh said perceptively as he turned away from the counter and walked
towards the bed where Justin was sitting.
Justin
nodded in answer,
“It
is” he told him. Josh took a seat on the opposite site of Justin, sitting
Indian style, waiting for Justin to tell him what was wrong.
“You
in trouble?” Josh asked, not able to wait for Justin to start when he didn’t
tell him what was going on after a few moments. He needed to know if they could
still see each other.
“Yes,”
Justin answered when he noticed Josh’s face fell he quickly continued,
“But
not the way you think. It’s not about my father but…” Justin paused not knowing
how to say this.
“I
sort of have a girlfriend” he told him softly, getting the worst part out
first.
“You
what?!” Josh said, putting emphasis on his last word, blinking hard.
“I
don’t love her it’s just that… I have to” he continued. Josh’s head was
spinning, what the hell was he talking about?
“What
do you mean you have to?” Justin’s eyes pricked with tears, scared to death he
would loose Josh when he told him this. Josh saw the impact of his words as
Justin quickly brushed the tears away. Josh grasped Justin’s hands in his.
“I’m
sorry for yelling at you like that, please just tell me what is going on,
please tell me you’re not breaking up with me” he apologized ending it with a
plea. He loved this kid so much, he couldn’t imagine his life without him.
Those four weeks where he hadn’t heard from Justin had been hell and it was
only four weeks! He was scared he wouldn’t survive without him. Justin
forcefully shook his head,
“I’m
not breaking up with you, never. I love you” he reassured his lover. Josh
sighed in relief, smiling a little.
“Now
tell me what’s going on” Josh said gently.
“Ok,”
Justin whispered, taking a deep breath.
“I
used to tell my father that I was tutoring my friend at school, you remember
that right?” Justin asked needing confirmation. Josh nodded calmly, ushering
him to go on.
“Well
when they found the beeper my dad told me I couldn’t tutor him anymore. I just…
I thought I’d never see you again,” he said miserably, a few tears escaping.
Josh brushed them away lovingly, not saying anything, just waiting patiently,
wondering where this was going.
“Then
I went to the movies one night with my friend and he sees his girlfriend, and
another girl from school comes up to me and walks me outside” Justin told him
in a voice made quiet with shame. Josh’s eyebrows furrowed as he listened to
Justin’s story.
“James,
my driver saw us coming out of the theatre and tells my father about it. He
started to ask all these questions when I got home but then all of a sudden he
asked me what my girlfriend’s name was. First I wanted to correct him but then
I thought it would be a good cover to use and it was” Justin told him.
“That’s
why I could come over so often and for so long. I told him I was going to see
my girlfriend and he just let me go, no questions or curfew” he said with a
smile, Josh smiled with him.
“But
then they wanted to meet her, the girl used it to her own advantage and for
some reason she knows I used her for cover…” he stopped there, not wanting to
go any further but Josh’s silent encouragement, by gently squeezing his hands,
made him go on.
“She
told me she wanted to pretend to be my girlfriend and give me a cover if she
could…” Justin stopped again, his voice barely audible at the end.
“If
she could what, Justin?”
“If
we could do what couples do” he admitted softly, Josh automatically leaned in
to hear what Justin had said and at first he didn’t believe it, thought he’d
heard it wrong.
“What?!”
Josh asked fiercer than he’d planned and Justin cringed, so afraid of losing
Josh he felt his breakfast come up and all off a sudden he rushed towards the
bathroom. He made it just in time, vomiting over the toilet bowl. Josh’s angry
_expression had changed to concern as he rushed after him, rubbing his back
hoping it would soothe him. At first Justin tensed at the touch but he calmed
down and so did his stomach. Josh helped him up and handed him a glass of
water, he washed his mouth before he let Josh lead him back to the bed.
“I’m
sorry, guppy” Josh told him as they lay down together on the bed. Justin didn’t
respond at first making Josh look down at the teen in his arms. Justin met his
lover’s eyes,
“Please
don’t leave me Josh” Justin pleaded softly, scared to say it for the reaction
he would get.
“Oh
guppy, I love you” Josh assured him. Justin couldn’t believe what he’d said.
“Y..
you’re not mad?” he asked incredulously with the biggest childish eyes Josh had
ever seen.
“A
little,” he admitted, he didn’t want to share Justin with anyone although he
was sure Justin loved him and only him, he still didn’t like the thought of him
kissing someone else. Justin ducked his head in shame,
“I’m
sorry” he told him, his voice laced with shame.
“But
I love you so much Justin. I couldn’t live without you even if I wanted to” he
said with a playful smile which earned him a small smile from Justin as well.
“I
trust you Justin, with all my heart” Josh admitted and Justin was taken aback
Josh loved him that much that he wasn’t upset he’d have to share Justin with
someone, that he was cheating on him in some way.
“I’d
do anything for you Josh” Justin admitted.
“Anything
and if I’ll have to let her kiss me a couple of times to be with you, even if
it was only for a minute I’d do it in a heart beat” he admitted and he meant
it, Josh meant so much to him he knew no one would really understand just how
much.
“Forgive
me Josh” he added, needing Josh to tell him that it was ok.
“I
forgive you Justin,” Josh told him,
“I
love you so much, guppy” he elaborated. Josh kissed Justin’s curls lovingly and
Justin nuzzled closer to his boyfriend because that was all he needed. Josh
loving him unconditionally could get him through anything and he would do
everything he needed to do to keep that love in his life forever.
***
“Hey
Joe, what’s for drama class today?” Justin asked his friend as they were
standing by their lockers. Joey shrugged.
“Don’t
know, probably something boring or I would have remembered” he said with a twinkle
in his eye. Justin laughed at his friend, reaching into his locker to take out
the schedule for drama class. He sighed heavily when he saw what they were
going to perform,
“Shakespeare”
he groaned. Joey’s shoulders dropped abruptly.
“Oh
man, I can’t believe it. Haven’t they had enough of that guy?! He’s like dead
for over a thousand years!” he said exasperated, exaggerating just a little
earning another chuckle from Justin as he put his schedule away and closed his
locker.
“Hey
baby” a voice addressed Justin and he immediately knew who it was; Tamara. He
spun around, silently pleading with her to not embarrass him in front of his
friend but she didn’t get the message. She slipped her arm around his waist and
pulled him close.
“Joey”
she acknowledged in distaste, she never liked Joey for the same reason Howard
disliked the boy.
“Tamara”
he said in return, he never liked her either. She was a spoiled brat, thinking
she could have everything she wanted and if there was something Joey hated it
were people thinking they were better than others simply because they had a few
extra bucks.
Justin
didn’t say anything, wishing she would let him go and walk away but she didn’t.
He felt her hand drop from his waist and traced over his butt cheeks, eventually
resting on his right one. His face flushed slightly as he prayed no one would
see him but Joey noticed. Tamara gently squeezed the body part she had no right
of touching in the first place and he yelped in surprise, only to be silenced
by her forceful kiss, roughly demanding entrance to his mouth. She was
deliberately trying to embarrass him in front of his friend and Justin was
beginning to realize that as she deepened the kiss, her second hand moving over
his chest while the other squeezed harder, letting him know who was in charge
as if he didn’t know already. She enjoyed every second of it, the power, the
taste of this beautiful boy and knowing he wouldn’t be able to turn her down.
When she was satisfied; both fulfilling her need and embarrassing Justin she
pulled back, bringing down both hands to his waist to rest there. She ended
with a quick kiss.
“See
you later baby” she said with a wink before she reclined her hands and walked
away, wiggling her hips in a cocky way, perfectly aware of the attention she’d
gotten during their make out session and her retreat.
“What
the hell was that?” Joey wanted to know, his eyes had almost popped out of his
head when he witnessed the scene between Justin and Tamara. Justin ducked his
head slightly, ashamed his friend had to witness this but knowing full well
that it had been her intention to do so.
“I
thought you didn’t like her? What about Josh?” he fired the questions.
“Shh!”
Justin admonished as he pulled Joey with him out of site and hopefully earshot.
“I
don’t like her but…” Justin started.
“But
what?”
“But
I have to” he finished agitated.
“What
about Josh?” Joey wanted to know, his confusion unresolved.
“I’m
doing this for him” Justin told his friend. Joey’s confusion multiplied as he
listened to Justin’s explanation.
“How
can you date a girl and do it for him?”
“I
used her as cover to go see Josh, she found out and now she’s using it to her
advantage” Justin admitted softly.
“Oh
man…” Joey said shaking his head in surprise, wondering how he ever got this
far.
“Is
this still about your father not wanting you to see Josh?” Joey asked
sympathetically. Justin nodded, casting his gaze to the floor.
“Why
don’t you just tell your father you want to see Josh, that you love him” Joey
asked, he still didn’t understand how a father could do this to his child. How
he could force his child to lie and deceive all because his son didn’t love the
‘right’ person.
“Oh
Joey,” Justin sighed.
“I
wish I could but it’s not that simple”
“Why
not?” he asked, his father would never do that to him and it made him
appreciate him a lot more. Sure he punished him and sometimes he hated him, as
a teenager hating his parents when he couldn’t go out when he wanted to, but
his father would never do this to him.
“Because
he would never accept it, he threatened Josh when he first found out and I’m
scared what he would do to keep him away from me. I’m scared he’ll disown me
and throw me out of the house” Justin admitted softly, ashamed his father
didn’t love him enough to accept him the way he was.
Joey
was baffled; did he mean that?
Would
his father really disown him and throw him out of the house?
Because…
because he was gay?
By
the look on Justin’s face he knew he meant it, that his father actually would do
that to him and he felt so sorry for his young friend.
“I’m
sorry Justin” he told him, embracing him in a bear hug only Joey Fatone could
provide. Justin greedily accepted it, so thankful to have at least one friend
he could talk to about Josh and all the problems that came with loving him.
“You
did tell Josh, didn’t you?” Joey asked when he pulled back several minutes
later. Justin nodded, wiping his eyes.
“Yeah”
he croaked, “I told him”
“What
did he say?” Joey asked curiously, still keeping one arm around Justin’s
shoulders to let him know he wasn’t alone and that he could tell him
everything. The friction between the two from months ago long forgotten.
“He
told me… he trusted me and loved me” Justin said, hiccupping in between
sentences.
“Wow”
Joey said genuinely amazed by the response, he wasn’t too sure if he’d be able
to respond that way when Kelly was the one in stead of Justin. He knew they
wouldn’t get in a position like that very soon but still it was hard to
imagine.
Justin
nodded, he’d assumed the worst too, in his heart he knew Josh loved him deeply
but did he love him enough? He thought he did and now he knew he did.
Joey
fully embraced him again, which made him feel safe; the next best thing apart
from Josh.
“Thanks
Joe” Justin whispered against his chest, grateful for the support Joey
provided. Joey nodded.
“Any
time, Justy” he told him sincerely. The bell rang indicating lunch hour was
over and Justin reluctantly pulled away.
“You
ok, now?” Joey asked as he searched his friend’s face. Justin nodded.
“Yeah”
he said, “Let’s go to drama class” he added.
“Yeah!” Joey said
enthusiastically making Justin laugh as he pretended to have sword fight in the
air.
