Chapter 21
“Hey
Justin” Joey said friendly as Justin passed him by his locker before stopping
for his own.
“Hey”
Justin answered softly, not in the mood to be friendly to anyone. He wanted to
try for Joey because he’d always been nice to him but he couldn’t produce it.
“Where
you going?” Joey asked Justin as he watched him take out his entire book bag
instead of taking out his jacket to go home.
“Got
detention” Justin told him again in a soft tone of voice, he was too tired to
speak up, too tired of everything and to do anything.
“Why?”
Joey inquired, looking concerned, he had no idea what was wrong with him but
had a fair idea it could only have something to do with Josh. Justin was only
miserable when something bad had happened involving Josh.
“I
lost him Joe” Justin said miserably, turning around to face his friend,
forgetting the original question. Joey looked at him sympathetically, taking a
step closer to his friend.
“I
lost Josh” Justin added as a single tear slid down his cheek.
“I’m
so sorry, Justy” Joey said, his voice full of remorse, his heart went out to
the boy.
How
could he deal with all of this?
He
saw the answer when he took a look at his friend; he couldn’t.
He
was heart broken, devastated, weary and that all seemed like an understatement.
Justin
nodded his thanks, not only for the words spoken but also for the unspoken
words. He saw the concerned and compassionate look in his friend’s face and he
loved him for that.
“So
daddy finally found out huh fagboy?” Tamara snidely interrupted. Justin cringed
as Tamara reminded him of the facts and called him a fagboy. He didn’t even try
to wipe away his tears, he didn’t care about her. She was the last person he
cared about. As much as he wanted to make a snide remark he couldn’t utter a
word, his brain was so clouded with hurt that it didn’t allow him to think
straight and thank God for Joey.
“Leave
him alone Tamara” Joey stood up for him, not letting her add fresh pain to this
younger friend who’d been through enough to cover a whole lifetime. Tamara
glared from Justin to Joey.
“Fine,
you queers stick together huh?” Tamara said shrugging. Joey glared at her but
didn’t say a word. Tamara shuddered from the gaze and walked away satisfied.
“You
ok?” Joey asked his friend, who looked a little pale.
Justin
shrugged, yes would be a lie but he didn’t want to upset his friend by saying
no, he was pretty sure Joey saw he wasn’t ok anyway even if he didn’t give him
an answer.
“I’m
sorry about Josh” Joey told him.
“Thanks
Joe, for just then… and…” Justin stuttered, truly grateful for having such a
good friend.
“Your
welcome, little one” Joey said, putting an arm around the small somewhat
shivering boy.
“It
will be ok Justin” Joey whispered softly pulling him into his embrace completely,
although he had no idea how things were going to be ok, somehow he knew they
would be and he would pray for it too. Things just had to be ok. Justin didn’t
disserve this; he was a good kid, he disserved to be happy.
“If
you ever need to talk…” Joey trailed off, knowing Justin would get the message.
“Thanks,
Joe” Justin answered, indeed understanding his friend’s message. They slowly
pulled back, Justin felt somewhat better and Joey just hoped Justin would be
ok.
“I
gotta go to detention” Justin told his friend. Joey nodded in response,
“Take
care and don’t forget I’ll be here, k?”
“K,”
Justin nodded with a small smile tugging at his lips.
“Thanks”
“Bye
kid” Joey said as he gave him a small wave of his hand. He watched the kid go,
hoping it would somehow all work out for him.
***
Josh
stared at the fish bowl on top of the dresser where his guppy was still
swimming contently after all this time. He didn’t have the worries Justin had,
he thought sadly about his guppy. Josh let his gaze travel through the room,
finally settling on the kitchen table where the notepad and pen were still
resting although it had been days ago when he wrote the actual letter. Tears
flooded his eyes as he strode towards the table in three quick angry steps. He
grabbed the notepad and pen and threw them forcefully against the opposite
wall.
How
bad he wanted to take back the note.
The
letter that probably broke Justin’s heart.
He
wanted to erase it, as if it never happened but the guilt, the pain and the heart
wrenching hurt reminded him of his decision. He sank to his knees as the tears
blinded him, holding his head in his hands, how could he ever make it up to
Justin? The answer was; he couldn’t. He couldn’t comfort him because he was the
reason Justin was in pain, it was all because of him.
What
he wouldn’t give to be able to tell Justin that it hadn’t been his decision to
break up with him, that he was forced to do it. Not only to protect his mother
and himself but Justin as well. Josh angrily wiped his eyes. He couldn’t show
up at work with red puffy eyes. He thought of Justin a lot, practically every
second of the day. He tried not to but he couldn’t help it. Justin sat in his
heart, his mind, his blood, Justin was everywhere. He would never be able to
forget about him, he realized that and it broke his heart Justin was probably
sick from hurt because of his letter but what could he do about it?
Nothing
right?
Or
maybe…
***
“Justin
get in here” Howard called as soon as he heard the front door shut. A few
moments later Justin staggered into the living room and fell into his seat.
Howard eyed his son; why was he so upset? Getting Josh out of his life was the
best thing he could do; he should be grateful.
“Why
did you get detention Justin?” Howard asked a little angry, knowing his son
being late had only one reason; he had to stay back at school. Justin shrugged,
not answering his father’s question, it was the first time in 15 years he
deliberately didn’t answer his father’s question and didn’t care what he would
threaten him with.
“Justin”
Howard warned but Justin didn’t flinch.
“Answer
me, Justin” Howard demanded in a fierce tone, Justin flinched a little this
time, remembering who he was talking to, who he was disobeying, and so he
softly answered,
“Mr.
Barrett didn’t like my attitude”
“Well
let him join the club!” Howard exclaimed.
“This
has got to stop Justin. You can’t be like this forever. You’re already grounded
and you better change your attitude or you’ll be spending a lot of time in this
house. Maybe even the basement if you really push it, son” Howard told him.
Justin’s eyes widened in fear, he was already grounded so what did it matter to
back talk to his father? But being grounded wasn’t the worst thing his father
could do. It had been when it had kept him away from Josh but now the basement
seemed more threatening. The threat of the basement came more often lately and
Justin seriously feared that his father would actually lock him up in there if
he misbehaved.
“You
don’t eat, you’re sulking around the house like your pet died and it stops now”
Howard instructed and like always Justin obeyed afraid of what his father could
do to him as punishment, as the memory of being locked up in that small space
came to him. His father nodded, ending the lecture so Justin could go to his
room and get started on his homework. Justin knew this and he walked away, his
room was the only place left where he could cry for his lost love. The only
place where he could sulk without being scared of the consequences.
Howard
watched his son go, he honestly thought he would get over it.
He
had to.
The
basement was the only grip he’d left on his son. If it were necessary he would
follow through on his threat but he didn’t want to take up the threat immediately,
nothing would scare him after that if he used the basement too often in his
punishments.
Justin
plumped down on his bed, crying for the millionth time in just a few days. He
kept wondering what Josh was doing. Although he’d hurt him so badly he couldn’t
stop thinking about his true love.
Was
he miserable too?
He would never
know he thought sadly, wiping away the tears again. He had to stop crying. He
wasn’t allowed to sulk, he wasn’t allowed to be miserable, he wasn’t allowed to
do anything. He’d lost the love of his life because of his father and he didn’t
know how much more he could take…
