Selfish

JC held the small boy closer, kissing the top of his head. "God, I've missed you, little guy."

Braeden hugged the man tightly, giggling as JC's hair brushed his neck. "Miss you too, Daddy." He paused and pulled back to look up into the man's face. "Where did you go?"

"What?" he asked, brushing the longish hair from the boy's face. "What do you mean, where did I go?"

"You left," the child replied simply. "Me and Mommy was alooone," he added, holding out the last word. "She cry."

JC's face fell at this. "She did, did she?"

Braeden nodded slowly. "Lots."

He closed his eyes to ward off the tears that Braeden's confession brought to him. "Brady...if I've ever told you anything to believe, just know that I am so very sorry for leaving you and your mommy alone. Okay?" he asked, looking down into his eyes.

"I know, Daddy."

For the moment...those words were good enough for him.

~*~

She was in his arms. They were happy again with a family of their own. Braeden and their new baby girl...life was perfect.

But it wasn't real. He had believed this until he felt tiny feet kicking at him in a fitful sleep. Tiny feet kicking at a very sensitive area in the vicinity of his lap.

JC's eyes flew open at the sudden pain, and he grabbed Braeden's foot before it could do any more damage. "Dude," JC groaned, pulling the boy onto his aching lap. "Don't kick at me there," he muttered as the boy started to wake up at his sudden movement.

"What, Daddy?" he asked groggily.

"You kicked me," JC mumbled back, rubbing his eyes.

"I sowree, Daddy," Braeden replied. "Sowree, sowree."

JC looked up as he heard footsteps rushing towards them. Joey stopped in front of the two, looking frantic.

JC was awake now. "Joe...tell me she isn't."

Joey nodded. "They don't think she'll have the baby like right this very instant, but she's really in labor this time."

The older man was on his feet in a matter of seconds. "Is she in a lot of pain?" he asked, running a hand through his tousled hair.

"She's wanting drugs, if that's any indication," Joey replied.

JC leaned down to lift Braeden into Joey's arms. Joey looked back at the older man seriously. "I don't think she wants you in there. She's really going to need some strong stuff if you go in there and piss her off. And if you piss her off, you're going to need some stronger stuff when she gets through with you."

"I don't care if she yells at me the whole time," JC replied, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "I'm going in there...I promised her I would."

Joey grabbed the older man's arm as he started down the hall. "Dude...no one, least of all Abby, actually expects you to go through with that promise. That was made when things were a lot less complicated than they are right now. Seriously, you don't have to be there if you don't want to."

JC looked back into his friend's eyes. "Joe. You actually think I'm here because I feel obligated to be?" He shook his head as the man shrugged his shoulders. "Joey, I love her. I'm here because that's my baby she's havin' in there. I'm here because I want to make things right between us and be with her for a long time. I love her, Joseph. Give me this, please."

Joey was silent for a moment as he assessed the look in his friend's eyes. "I know you do. And you deserve this chance. I’ve been waiting for you to just come out and freaking say that! Just be there for her now and maybe this will all work out for you guys. Braeden's really taken a liking to you, haven'tcha buddy?" he asked, poking the child in the side.

Braeden nodded. "Love my daddy!"

JC smiled. "Thanks, man. I'm gonna go see what I can do." He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans and made his way down the hallway to Abby's room. Pausing outside the door for a moment to collect his thoughts, he gently pushed the door open and slid into the room.

He could tell she was in pain. She was squeezing the hand of a nurse that sat beside her bed as another made notes on her chart. "Can I do anything?"

The nurse looked up at JC's entrance and squeezed Abby's hand back. "Tell me who you are, and we'll see about that."

"I'm JC, I-"

"The baby's father," the other commented, looking up from the chart. "So we finally have a face to put with the name of the man she's been cursing for the last hour. A handsome face, at that."

He smiled weakly. "Uh...yeah, that's me."

"Well," the one nurse said, standing up as Abby's contraction passed. "For starters, you can get over here and hold your wife's hand before she breaks mine."

"We're not married," Abby muttered as she tried to level out her breathing, now that the pain had subsided. "And we're never gonna be."

"Oh, I see," the older nurse replied, placing her chart back on the end of the bed. "Well...whatever your situation, get over here and accept the pain that you have to put up with for putting her through this pain," she added, motioning to the chair where the other had been sitting. "Broken hands are wonderful, aren't they, Abby?"

"He's going to get a lot more than a broken hand if I have anything to do with it," Abby replied in a growl.

JC forced a smile to his face and moved to sit beside her bed. "Oh, honey. Don't talk like that. We both know this is what we have to go through, and I don't mind suffering with you. We are in this together, through and through. Isn't that what we said?" he asked, laying it on thick. "We know that we love each other and that this baby is going to be wonderful for us." He leaned down and kissed her forehead for affect. "As long as we're together..."

The nurses smiled and left the room. "We'll leave you two lovebirds alone."

Abby glared at him as the door shut behind them. "What the hell was that? Damn, you'd think we were in love or something."

That stung, but JC forced another smile. "Aren't we?" he asked quietly, the smile wavering.

"I thought we were," she replied hotly, running a hand over her face. "Really, JC...I don't need you here. I have enough people here to take care of us."

"I'm not leaving you," JC retorted stubbornly. "I made a promise to you and I intend to keep it. I owe it to you."

He barely saw it, but a small smile crossed her lips before her face turned into a scowl again. "Whatever."

"And Abby, I swear that I have the most amazing apology prepared for you, but I'm not giving it to you yet. This is about you now, not whether or not you hate me or love me. At this point, I just want to help you through this and be here for you like I should have been all along."

Her heart ached slightly at his words, but she pulled her hand away as he reached for it. "As I have already stated, what...ever."

"And so eloquently," he added with a smile. It became a frown as he saw her turn away. Reaching for her hand again, he caressed it with his own. "Abs, forget everything I've done to you. Forget all that's gone on between us. Forget about everything and just let me be someone who cares right now. Because I do. Pretend I'm just a friend."

"You're not even that," she replied.

JC nodded. "I know, but that's why I'm here. To fix all of what I've messed up. I'm going to be here for you, no matter what you say to me. I'm not leaving," he added, kissing the back of her hand as she turned to look at him.

He thought he saw a tear and a glint of happiness, but she turned away again before he could be sure. "Whatever."

~*~

His hand felt like it was broken.

Fourteen hours, off and on, contractions that she made sure he felt along with her. And boy did he ever feel them. He wondered if he would ever be able to hold a microphone or play an instrument ever again.

But it was over, and they were parents...together. A boy. He hadn't been able to see him, but then, neither had she. As soon as the baby had been born, they carted him out of the room for immediate testing.

He hadn't really thought about it, since he had never been through this sort of thing before, but Abby was in hysterics that she had still not been given the chance to see her baby.

It was strange; the change in the woman after her child had been born. She clutched tightly to JC and he hugged her close, wondering what was going on.

They both looked up as the door opened and Ronnie came in, followed by the other four members of *N Sync and Braeden.

"Mommy! Daddy!" the boy yelled, hugging them both as Justin set him down on the bed.

"Hey, buddy," JC said, ruffling the boy's hair.

"Is my baby here?" he asked, wide-eyed and innocent.

This brought a fresh batch of tears to Abby's eyes. "I haven't even seen my baby...oh God, where is he?"

JC looked at her in concern. "Do you want me to go see what's going on?" he asked.

She looked up at him. "Would you? Please, Josh."

He smiled and stood up to leave the room, not before squeezing her hand reassuringly one last time.

He made his way down the hospital corridors to the nursery, stepping up close to the glass to view the newborn babies. A nurse appeared at the other side of the glass and she made a motion as if to ask what child he was looking for. He spotted a piece of paper and a pen nearby and wrote 'Garner...a boy?'

The nurse nodded and flipped through a chart. Furrowing her brow, she shook her head.

JC paused. What did that mean? Surely she hadn't-

He wrote again. 'Chasez? Boy?"

She looked again and nodded, stepping out of the room and into the hallway. "Sir, your son is being tested right now."

JC sighed. "Tested for what?" he asked, his mind still reeling at what he had just discovered.

"It’s just standard procedure, Sir. The doctors were a little concerned when he was born because he didn't cry for several minutes. They just want to make sure everything is okay. I'm sure he's fine, and will soon be in to meet you and your wife."

"Okay. Thank you." He turned and made his way back down the hallway to Abby's room. Ignoring the man sitting on her bed, holding her hand, he sat down on the other side. "He should be fine. They just wanted to run some tests since he didn't cry right after he was born." He glanced up to the man across the bed. "Do you all mind if I had some time with Abby alone?" he asked, pulling the scrubs from his front, and tossing them across the room.

Ronnie glared back at the man and leaned down to kiss Abby's forehead before standing up. "I'll see you later, babe," he whispered as he and the others left the room.

Abby turned her gaze to JC. "What's your problem now?" she asked.

JC narrowed his eyes as he looked at her in wonder. "You gave him my last name?"

She nodded. "You are his father, JC."

"Yeah, I know, but Braeden's last name is Garner. Why didn't you give him Ben's last name?"

"Ben didn't deserve to have anything named after him," she replied.

"And I do?" he asked innocently.

"I wonder that myself, but I've already made my decision," she countered. "JC, just accept it."

They both looked up as the door opened and a nurse came in with the baby in her arms. "Here he is, Mommy and Daddy. Chance Joseph Chasez." She leaned down and placed the boy in JC's arms. "Healthy as can be, might I add. Congratulations, you guys," she added with a bright smile, leaving the room.

JC looked down at the little boy in his arms. Swallowing the huge lump in his throat, he looked over at Abby. "Thank you."

~*~

JC nodded to the nurse and stepped into the room. He smiled slightly to Abby, handing her the white bag in his hand. "Here. Something better than hospital food."

She took the bag, ripping it open to find four cinnamon buns that instantly made her mouth water. "Mmmm...where on earth did you get these?"

"My mom," he replied, sitting down in the chair beside her bed.

Her head shot up at his words. "Excuse me? Your mother is here?"

JC nodded. "Well yeah, her grandson was just born. She and Dad wouldn't miss this for the world. They can't wait to meet you and the boys."

Abby shook her head. "Not yet, Joshua. I'm still dealing with you being here, let alone your parents."

He looked down at his hands. "Which brings another topic to mind. My apology. I really owe you something big for all of the junk I've put you through."

"You aren't kidding," she muttered under her breath, still wishing that he hadn't been there. But wasn't that all she had ever asked of him? Just to be there with her so she wouldn't have to do it alone again? And he had been...just as he'd promised.

JC's smile grew as he stood up. "I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere."

Abby rolled her eyes. "Don't worry."

He made his way back into the hallway and made eye-contact with the nurse again. Nodding his head slightly, he followed her down the hall.

~*~

The door opened, and Abby looked up, expecting to see JC back in the room. Ronnie walked in, however, and she almost breathed a sigh of relief. "Hey Ronnie."

He smiled and reached for her hand. "Hey, babe. How's my girl holdin' in?"

She nodded. "Pretty good. I'd be better if JC would quit with his stupid games."

"Abs, do you want me to make him leave? I can tell that his being here is really bothering you," the man suggested.

Abby thought for a moment before shaking her head. "No. He said he has a very good apology for me. I'm at least going to let him do that before I ask him to leave my life forever. Things would be a lot easier to move on with after he's gone."

He smiled. "I understand, baby." Ronnie leaned down and kissed her forehead as the door opened again. They were both shocked as a piano made its way into the room, pushed by a visibly nervous JC Chasez.

"Umm...I'll just step out right now," Ronnie said, moving toward the door. "I'll talk with you later, girl."

Abby nodded and turned her attention to JC and the piano as he situated the bench before it. "What on earth are you doing?" she asked as Ronnie left the room.

"I'm going to apologize in the best way I know how. You inspired me, Abby. Believe me, you did. This whole thing, and every word you said to me inspired me to write this, and finish our album. I think you'll remember the conversation that brought this song into being." He winked at her slightly before sitting down at the piano, placing his hands on the keys.

Any doubts she may have had of the love this man had for his music were swept away as his mouth opened and he began to sing. Her heart began to pound, and her eyes watered as she prepared to let his words hit her hard.

"I just don't understand why you're running from a good man, baby. Why you wanna turn your back on love." He saw her head turn down at his next line. "Why you've already given up."

It was beautiful. The melody haunted her, and the music was magical. But she didn't recognize anything in the song that would have stemmed from a conversation the two of them had had.

"I know you've been hurt before, but I swear I'll give you so much more. I swear I'll never let you down."

A tear fell from JC's eye as he sang that line. He did let her down, and he was really no better than Ben had been. He had hurt her too, after promising many times that he never would. He didn't know how he could get off calling himself a good man in the song, but he'd done it...because in his heart...he felt that he was a good man for her...the man for her.

"'Cause I swear it's you that I adore. And I can't help myself, baby, 'cause I think about you constantly. And my heart gets no rest over you...you, you."

She saw the way he leaned over the keyboard as the music changed, and she knew he was getting to the chorus. He was feeling the music; this she could tell, and it made her love him all over again.

"You can call me selfish..."

Abby's head shot up at this. Oh, she knew where this was going. Their last conversation...she had called him selfish. Because he is selfish, she thought to herself.

"But all I want is your love. You can call me hopeless, baby. 'Cause I'm hopelessly in love. You can call me unperfect, but who's perfect. Tell me what do I gotta do to prove that I'm the only one for you. So what's wrong with being selfish?"

She felt like melting into the bed as JC turned his blue gaze on her. He had answered to all of the things she had called him on...and her heart felt a little less heavy all of a sudden.

"I'll be taking up your time, 'till the day I make you realize that for you, there could be no one else." He looked at her again. "I've just gotta have you for myself. Baby, I will take good care of you. No matter what it is you're going through. I'll be there for you when you're in need."

And he had been...just as he'd promised. Abby was starting to believe him...to trust him...to love him again.

She saw his eyes close as he went through the next part, knowing it had to be just as emotional for him as it was for her. "Baby, believe in me. 'Cause if love is a crime...hey, yeah...then punish me. I would die for you. 'Cause I don't want to live without you."

He repeated the chorus again, staring into her eyes the whole time. He tore them away only when his hands pounded harder on the keys...the bridge approaching.

"Why do you keep us apart? Why won't you give up your heart? You know that we're meant to be together. Why do you push me away? All that I want is to give you love...forever and ever and ever..."

Repeating the chorus again, JC saw the tears falling down Abby's cheeks. He hoped he had reached her on the level he had intended. The song wasn't completely about their relationship, because the man in question hadn't done anything wrong. But he had. The chorus was all that really matter to him, though...it said all that needed to be said.

His fingers lightened on the keys and he played them more softly, his voice lowering too. "Selfishly I'm in love with you, 'cause I've searched my soul and know that it's you. I'll prove that I'm the only one...for you...so what's wrong with being...selfish?"

JC pulled his fingers away from the piano as he stood up and made his way to Abby's side. He fell to his knees beside her bed and took her hand in his. "I am so sorry, Abby...for everything I have done to you. I don't deserve to even be here right now, but I know that I have made a mistake. I-I...I love you, and I just hope that somehow we can make this work between us again."

Abby wiped a tear from her cheek. "Joshua, I-"

He reached into his pocket. "I am willing to make this all right. And that starts with having a family. Which is why I want to make you guys my real family. So Abby...will you marry me?" He presented her with the ring, watching in fear as she stared at it.

No way, she thought.

 

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