Dreamin’s Just A Waste Of Time

By:  Foxy Lady

Justin hadn't even waited until he heard the click of the phone and the dial tone in his ear before he was grabbing his keys and walking towards the door. He knew he had to stay calm. It probably wasn't that bad. It was just an accident. People get in car accidents everyday, but Lance was not just people. Lance was his, as much as Lance could be his in the current state of their relationship. He hadn't seen Lance since their fight the other night. Lance had walked out of the apartment they shared and had been spending nights over at JC's. He never thought Lance would leave and not come home that night. It had been one of their usual fights. Lance telling him to come out so they could stop hiding everywhere they went. They had been together since their senior year of high school and it wasn't like most of their friends didn't already know they were an item. The only ones honestly in the dark about their situation was Justin's family, and he couldn't force himself to tell them. He loved Lance with all of his heart, but he knew if his parents knew he was gay that problems would just come up.

Taking a deep breath, he opened his car door and got into the car. His hands reached out and gripped the steering wheel as he took a few more calming breaths. JC hadn't said it was bad. Then again JC hadn't said much of anything to him on the phone. JC was the type to tell you bad news in person. Always had been. He wanted to be there if you needed him, so maybe something really terrible with Lance had happened. Maybe he was even .... Biting his bottom lip, he shook his head as his fingers tapped against the steering well. He couldn't let himself go there. Lance would be all right. Life wouldn't play this cruel joke on him and take Lance from him now. Not when the last words they had spoken to each other had been so mean...

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Justin could see Lance out of the corner of his eye as he sat on the couch and talked to his mother on the phone. Without even turning to look at Lance fully he could tell Lance's brain was already working. His mother had called to try and set him up with this friend of hers daughter and he had begging off and making every excuse he could think of to get her to back off but nothing was working. Finally he had got her to drop it after promising to find someone to go with to the company party his father would be holding in a few weeks time. As he hung up the phone, he rubbed his hand over his face, saying softly, "Lance ... "

Lance was up from the spot he had been sitting across the room before he could get another word out. "When are you going to tell them Justin? How long have we been together? Our friends know. My parents even know. Your parents not knowing for this long. I don't even know how we kept up the charade this long. We live together. We share a bed. Yet the two most important people in your life have not one clue that it is me that you love and who you say you want to spend the rest of you life with."

Justin stood up from the couch and walked over to Lance. As he tried to wrap his arms around him in an attempt to soothe the older man, Lance pulled away as he turned his body causing Justin's arms to fall back down. "Baby ... come on. I've explained this to you time and time again. I can't tell them. Not yet. I will though. The timing just has to be right."

Lance let out a low growl as he raked his fingers through his short dirty blonde hair, his eyes focused on the floor a few feet in front of him. "How many times have you said this Justin? At first I understood because we were both young. The night of the dance we were both so new to this that it was okay to keep it hidden from our families. Hell it took me a good year before I sat down with my own parents and told them I was gay and that I was in love with you. I wasn't afraid of what would happen because I knew that no matter what I would have you by my side through it all. I didn't care what my parents thought. I had to be happy for myself and I was happy with you."

Justin bit his bottom lip, the toe of his shoe kicking at the ground underneath his foot as he lowered his head. "You were happy with me? You're not now?"

Lance let out a frustrated sigh as he raked his fingers through his hair again. His voice carrying a softer tone when he spoke again, “I didn't say that. It's just sometimes I'm really happy and I think nothing can go wrong with us. I'm so in love with you and I never want to be apart from you. And then there is these other times...”

Justin lifted his eyes so that he could look over at Lance but his head remained lowered, his shoulders slumping a little as his voice took an even softer quality. "What about those other times Lance?"

Lance shrugged as he chewed on his bottom lip. "Those times ... I hate the fact that we have to hide so much. That we can't be more open in public. If I want to hold your hand as we walk down the street I know I can't. If I have the urge to suddenly pull you to corner of the room at one of the parties our friends have and kiss you until you can't breathe cause we're both having fun and happy and drunk on booze and life. Those times I wonder why I'm even still here. Why were even together? Why you haven't told your parents because you say you love me but if you haven't told them after the last few years do you love me enough? Is our love enough to last if you can't take that step and tell them?" Lance looked over at Justin in time to see the single tear fall as it slipped from the corner of Justin's eye. "Baby ... don't..." Lance sighed softly immediately feeling guilty for causing Justin to become upset. He reached out his hand, his fingers grazing Justin's cheek before he felt Justin jerk his head back.

"Don't. Don't call me baby. Don't tell me you think that sometimes my life isn't enough for you and then call me that. Don't you dare! How can you doubt my love for you? I've loved you since that first night you kissed me." Justin looked up as he ran his hand through his short curly hair. "Maybe you're right. Maybe our love isn't enough to make this last. Not if you doubt how I feel for you. I have not once in all these years doubted your feelings for me, and now you're telling me that you have. What the fuck are we even doing here Lance? Why are we even together if you don't think I love you enough?" Justin shook his head as he turned on his heel and walked towards the bedroom they shared, slamming the door behind him before Lance even had a chance to respond.

Lance stood there in shock for a few moments before turning to look at the closed bedroom door. Sighing shakily, he walked over to the table where his keys sat and picked them up. Not even glancing at the bedroom door again before leaving the apartment.

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Justin looked up as he pulled into the hospital parking lot. He doesn't even know how he had gotten there. He had been so lost in his memories of the fight he and Lance had just a few days before. He parked the car and looked up at the hospital entrance. As he began to chew on his bottom lip, he started to become fearful of what he would find just inside those doors. Scared of what JC would have to tell him once he walked inside. If he didn't go inside maybe everything would be okay. Maybe it was just some small thing. Maybe Lance would walk out any minute and see him sitting there and they would talk. Then everything could go back to how it used to be.

Somehow he knew it wouldn't be so easy this time. Lance had never left for this long before. He might have left mad, but he always came back before the end of the night. The promise that they had made to each other a long time ago to never go to bed if they were angry. It kept them from sleeping apart. When Lance had left he had expected him to come back at some point that night, but when Lance hadn't he had become depressed. He wasn't used to not having Lance around. He needed the green-eyed man in his life. He kept him centered. Chewing on his bottom lip, he reached for the car door handle. Lance had to be okay. They had been together too long to be apart now. He remembered the first night they considered themselves a couple. It had been the night at one of the dances at school. Neither of them wanted to ask a date, so they decided to just meet there and hang out together the entire night...

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Justin stood off to one side, leaning against the wall as he watched the crowd of people from his school dancing on the packed floor. Glancing down at his watch, he bit at his bottom lip wondering why Lance was so late to the dance. Lance was never late to anything. Not since they had met. He was always the one waiting for Justin to show up cause he was the one late more often than not. He glanced back over to the entrance to the gym where the dance was being held and smiled when he saw Lance walk in. He pushed away from the wall he had been leaning against and made his way over to him just as Lance spotted him.

They each picked up a glass of punch from the refreshment table and walked back over to where Justin had been standing. They stood there for while. Watching as the crowd danced on the gym floor. A few girls kept watching them standing there and Lance kept telling him to go over and dance with one of them.

Biting his bottom lip, Justin shook his head after the third time Lance told him. "I don't want to dance with them Lance. I'm perfectly fine here with you."

Lance let out a soft deep laugh. "Come on. You've got to be kidding me. You'd rather be here just talking when you could have your pick of any number of girls out on that dance floor."

Justin looked over at his friend, nodding slightly. "That's right. I'm perfectly fine just where I am. Maybe I don't want to have my pick of any of the girls on the dance floor. Maybe I'm happy being right where I am." Justin bit at his bottom lip, thinking over what he said.

They each stood there silent before Lance motioned towards the door with his head. "Let's go outside and talk." Justin nodded and waited for Lance to push away from the wall. He followed him outside to one of the benches. They sat there silent. Justin didn't know what to say, so he was hoping Lance would first. "I'm happy right where I am too. I don't understand it really, but I know that I didn't want to go look for some girl either. All I wanted to do was stand there and talk to you. Actually sometimes that all I want to do. Just be near you and listen to you talk. Then there is sometimes that I want to do more."

Justin tilted his head as his eyebrows furrowed slightly. "More? Like what?"

Shrugging his shoulders, Lance inched closer. “Just more," he whispered softly. Lance reached up slowly and cupped Justin's cheek in the palm of his hand. He was acting purely on instinct now as he leaned closer. He watched as Justin tilted his head further into the palm of his head before pressing his lips against Justin's.

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He stopped for a moment as he remembered that first kiss. The first of many kisses. He remembered how Lance was worried that he would freak out.  He sighed softly as he reached for the door handle. Before Justin even pushed opened the doors that led into the hospital lobby, he could see JC sitting on one of the chairs there waiting for him. He stood with his hand on the door for a few silent moments watching as his friend sat there. From his haggard appearance it couldn't be good. Biting his bottom lip, he finally pushed opened the door and made his way inside. He watched as JC looked up and got up from where he had been sitting. Standing by the entrance, he allowed JC to come to him. Stuffing his hands into the pockets of his loose fitting jeans, he bounced back and forth on his heels as he waited for JC to say something. When he remained silent, he pulled one of his hands out of his pockets and waved it in front of JC's face. "Hello? Say something Josh. How is he? What happened? Just something..."

JC parted his lips but all that escaped was a shaky sigh. He nodded slightly before opening his mouth again. "It was a car accident. He was driving, and I was trying to talk to him about going back home, and he got upset. Started going on and on about how this time he wouldn't go back if you didn't do something different. I guess he wasn't paying as close attention to the road in front of him, and he went through a red light. The car was hit on his side. They really don't know how hurt he is yet. He hasn't woken up since they brought him a few hours ago."

Stuffing his hand back into his pocket, Justin looked down at the floor. His voice was barely a whisper when he spoke next, "Then why did you call me? If he doesn't want to go back to me, why am I here?"

JC sighed softly as he shrugged his shoulders. "You still love him. He still loves you. You just need to get off your ass, and do something to get him back. Maybe this was some way for you to notice that you could lose him without a moment's notice, and there would be no chance of getting him back if that happened."

Justin sighed, deciding to not even respond to his friend because he knew he was right. He could have lost Lance tonight, and he would never know how much he had loved him. The last words they had exchanged would have been in anger. "Where is he?"

JC pointed down a hall off to the left of the hospital lobby. "Down that hall. Room 160. The nurses know you are coming so there be should be no problem you getting in to his room to see him."

Justin gave a small nod before he started down the hall JC had indicated. He received a few looks as he passed people by, but no one stopped him. When he reached the room Lance was in, he paused outside. His hand rested on the doorknob as he took a deep breath. When he finally opened the door, the sounds of machines could be heard. He took a step inside and looked over at the bed to where Lance lay. From this distance, it looked like Lance was just asleep. Which he was, but it didn't take much for Justin to realize that Lance was more than just sleeping. He was used to watching Lance sleep at night. Some nights he would just lay there and watched as the man next to him slept. He remembered doing just that a few nights before they had their fight...

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Pushing open the front door, he stumbled inside. Almost bumping into the table next to the door, he set his keys on it before walking slowly through the dark apartment. Lance must have gotten tired of waiting up for him and went to bed. Sighing softly, he glanced over at the clock. It was already after midnight, and Lance had work early the next day. He hadn't mean for dinner at his parents to run so late, but when his stepfather wanted to talk you listened.

Stopping in the doorway to the bedroom, he leaned against the door jam as he watched Lance silently. He was sound asleep. Probably hadn't even heard him come in. He walked further into the room as he reached down and tugged his shirt over his head. He let it fall to the floor as he reached for the button of his pants, but his eyes never moved from Lance's form covered by the sheets on the bed. He undressed as quietly as he could, trying not to wake up Lance. Sliding under the covers, he leaned his head on his hand as he lay on his side. He loved moments like this. Moments where he could just lay and watch. While he was awake, Lance was never in one place long enough for him to do this, and if he were he would tell Justin to stop staring. The only times he could just sit and stare and think was when Lance was asleep. He watched as Lance rolled onto his side towards him and smiled. Even if he was asleep, Lance didn't like being watched so closely. He had this complex about it. Usually he would end up waking up.

Justin's smile broadened as Lance did just that. Blinking his eyes open sleepily, he leaned over and kissed Justin softly before closing his eyes again. "When did you get home?"

Justin kissed Lance back just as softly before wrapping his arm around Lance's waist, holding him close to his body. "Just a few minutes ago. Dinner with the family ran later than I thought it would."

Sighing softly, Lance laid his head on the pillow next to Justin's. "It's okay. You're home now."

Justin smiled as he kissed Lance again quickly. He knew Lance would be asleep again within a matter of moments. "Go back to sleep. You have that appointment tomorrow morning."

Lance nodded as he snuggled closer. His eyes were already closed ad within a few silent moments he was asleep. Once again allowing Justin to watch him.

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Justin walked over to stand next to Lance's bedside. He reached down and grabbed onto Lance's hand gently before moving to sit in the chair next to the bed. He sat there for a few minutes as he watched Lance silently. He kept expecting for Lance to wake up as he watched, but Lance didn't even move. Lifting Lance's hand to his lips, he pressed his lips against it silently willing for him to open his eyes. When that didn't work, he lowered Lance's hand back to rest at his side, but didn't let it go. Chewing on his bottom lip, he kept silent for a few more minutes as tears began to form in the corners of his eyes. He could have lost Lance tonight. He still could, and Lance would never know how he felt about him. He had said the words time and time again, but he had never shown Lance that he loved him. Not really. All Lance wanted was for him to tell his family like he himself had done so many years before. If he did that, everything would be okay and Lance would come home. Reaching up, he wiped at eyes before speaking softly, "I'll tell them Lance. I'll tell them today if you want. Just wake up and I'll bring them here and tell them right in front of you. I'll tell them everything. I'll tell them how I love you, how we've been together all these years, how I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I'll tell them everything."

Someone cleared their throat behind him, and he expected to find one of the nurses to be standing there, but when he turned his head to tell whoever it was that he wasn't leaving his eyes widened in shock at seeing his mother standing there. "I heard about the accident, and I thought I would come and see how he was doing,"

Justin turned his head and looked back over at Lance. "I haven't been here long, but JC told me he hadn't woken up since the accident happened." He felt his mother rest her hand on his shoulder, and he looked up at her. "Mom...”

His mother patted his shoulder and smiled softly. "Shh ... I kind of figured out something like that was happening between you two, but you never said and I never asked. I don't know how Paul will take the news, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Right now we need for Lance to wake up."

Justin nodded as he turned back towards Lance. His eyes widened slightly as he noticed that Lance's were open just barely as he watched the exchange between Justin and his mother. "Hey baby. You're awake." Lance nodded as he licked his dry lips before opening his mouth to say something. "No. Don't try to talk right now Lance. You just woke up."

Lance shook his head and squeezed Justin's hand weakly. He motioned towards Justin's mother standing behind him, "Did you tell her?"

Justin sighed and shook his head. "Well. No." He saw Lance's face visibly fall before continuing on quickly. "She overheard me talking to you, and she pretty much had already figured it out for herself a long time ago."

Lance nodded as he glanced up at Justin's mother. He opened his mouth to say something, but she waved her hand and took a step back from the bed. "We'll talk later sweetie. You and Justin need to talk."

Without another word, Justin's mother walked back out into the hall. Justin reached for Lance's hand again, squeezing it gently. "Do you need me to get you anything? Should I call for the nurse?"

Lance shook his head as he licked at his dry lips. "Not yet. I wanted to ask you something." He waited for Justin to nod silently before he continued on. “I was dreaming something before I woke up. I dreamt that you were telling me you were going to tell your parents about us."

Justin smiled softly, giving Lance's hand another gentle squeeze. "You weren't dreaming Lance. I was saying that just before you opened your eyes."

Lance returned Justin's smile and motioned for him to come closer as best as he could in the state he was in. Justin kissed him softly as Lance mumbled against his lips, "Dreaming is a waste of time when you have the real thing right in front of you."

The End

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