Twenty-Seven
“Did
you like everything you got, James?” Lance's mother asked, hovering in the
doorway of his bedroom. It was Christmas evening, and they had just finished a
large supper.
“Yes,
Mama. Thank you,” Lance said politely. He was on his window seat, staring out
into the backyard.
“It's
dark, James. You can't see anything,” she pointed out.
“I
know, Mama.” Lance didn't say that he wasn't really looking at what was outside
his window. His mind was hundreds of miles away, in Tennessee.
“How
did your semester go?”
It
was obvious that she expected to be asked to come in and sit down, but Lance
wasn't really in the mood for conversation with his mother. “Good. I'm thinking
I'll make the dean's list again.”
“Excellent.
We're so proud of you, James.”
“Are
you?” Lance turned around to face her dead on. She blushed slightly.
“Of
course. You're a good boy, who works hard. We can overlook your little fads,
because…”
“It's
not a fad, Mama,” Lance said tiredly. “Look, I know what you want to happen,
and it will NEVER happen. You want grandchildren…you can get them from Stace. I
will never fall in love with a girl. I'll never marry a girl. And I'll never
have a child, unless I decide to donate sperm or something.”
“James
Lance!” Diane squeaked, turning bright red.
“I'm
just trying to be honest with you, Mama. I wish you'd be honest with yourself.
I love you and Dad, and I love coming home. But it's getting harder and harder
to dance around this. It's like I told Justin, it's like the elephant in the
parlor that everyone sees but refuses to talk about.”
“Justin…your…boyfriend?”
Diane spat the word out distastefully.
“He's…”
Lance refused to lie anymore. “He's not my boyfriend.”
“Someone
you sleep with, then?”
It
was on the tip of Lance's tongue to say, “No, I just let him suck my dick,” but
even in his angry state, he couldn't disrespect his mother in this way.
Instead, he said, “No, Mama. I've never slept with anyone.”
“What
have we done wrong?” Diane said, tears filling her eyes.
“Nothing,
Mama! Look at everything else in my life. You said you were proud of me. All of
that is because of how YOU raised me. This one thing…you have absolutely no
control of it. If I would be straight, and decide to fall in love with someone
covered in tattoos and body piercings, you'd be just as unhappy right now. But
you have nothing to do with it. It's MY decision.”
“I
can't respect your decision, James, and either can your father,” Diane said
sadly. “Doesn't that mean anything to you?”
“Yes,
it does. I hate that one day, if I ever find someone, you won't be able to
accept him. But I have to be who I am.”
“Is
that what they taught you in that fraternity of yours?”
“Yes.
They taught me to be who I am, and they embraced who I am, no matter what.
Being gay got me a place in the house, yes, but they love me for being Lance,
and nothing else,” Lance said. “They've saved me in so many ways.”
“You
can't live your life in that fraternity house, James. The real world will not
be as lenient. They won't just let you…let you…”
“Look
at me, Mama.” Lance went to stand in front of his mother. “I know how you view
homosexual men. Do I look like your stereotype? I'm not flaming or wearing a
dress or anything. I'm probably the most boring gay man I know. I can get
through life just fine. In some situations I'll have to hide my sexual
orientation. I know that. But I refuse to lie if I'm asked.” Lance looked her
in the eye. “And if you can't accept that, I'll have to leave right now.”
“Lance,
we just…we need some time,” Diane stammered, unaccustomed to a Lance who would
defy her.
“Then
you can have it.” Lance went back into the room and pulled his suitcase from
the closet.
“Where
are you going?” Jim Bass stood behind his wife. “Running back to school again?”
“No, Daddy. I can't get into the frat house
right now, anyway. I'm going to a friend's. I DO have friends, friends who care
about me and accept me.” He looked at his parents. “And this time I'm not
running away. I'm giving Mama the space she says she needs.”
Lance
was two hundred miles out of Laurel when he realized that he had no clue where
he was going. He pulled over at a tiny diner and pulled out his calling card.
He went into the diner, ordered scrambled eggs and toast, and went to the pay
phone.
He
stood for a long moment, running his card along the rows of numbers before
finally dialing. “Hello?”
“Justin?”
“Lance?”
“I'm…well…I'm
on the road again,” Lance said with a laugh.
“What
is it with you and holidays?” Justin said, laughing as well.
“Look…”
Lance paused. He had barely spoken to Justin during exam week, and then they
had gone home before resolving anything. “I'm sorry.”
“Don't
be. I feel like I pushed you into something,” Justin interrupted quickly. “I'M
sorry.” Justin stopped, then said, “Merry Christmas.”
“Oh,
yeah, you, too,” Lance said.
“Where
ARE you?”
“About
two and a half hours from home,” Lance answered.
“Come
here,” Justin said immediately.
“Are
you serious?”
“Sure.
You're on your way, anyway. My mom will love to have you, and you can hang here
for our New Year's Eve party.”
“I'll
have to go home sometime,” Lance said. “For my stuff.”
“I'm
not saying move in, Lance. I'm saying visit. Until everything cools down at
home.”
“Okay,”
Lance said, hardly able to believe what was happening.
