“Shh, Brian, be quiet!” She said as softly
as she could, still trying not to giggle. “But baby….” He whined loudly as they
both stumbled down the hall to his hotel room. “Shhh!” She scolded. He laughed.
“Oops…but baby,” he went on in an exaggerated whisper. “I didn’t want to leave
yet!”
She had taken him to one of her regular
clubs. This hadn’t been the first time. The first time…. He had been so
terrified, so utterly afraid and innocent. But that was what had made her fall
in love…his innocence. She didn’t understand why she felt the need to corrupt
it. In so many ways, she helped him discover his wild side. A side he didn’t
even know he had. And sometimes she wondered if he did have it, or if she
wasn’t just putting it there for her own pleasure.
***
They had met in Munich. How she, a less than
middle-class girl from Brooklyn, New York, had ended up in Germany was a long
story. A long story she would later recount to Brian when he asked. A long
story that would end up bringing tears to both of their eyes when she told it.
It had been one of those rare times that she had let someone else in to see
some of her sadness and pain. He had been the only person she had ever allowed
to see all of it.
A club in Munich…. She had been there with a
few people she knew. She didn’t refer to them as friends because they weren’t.
She hung out with them, lived with one of them, drank with them, got her drugs
from them, but they weren’t her friends. She had no real friends. She had
spotted Brian the instant he had walked in. Fresh-faced and innocent, excited
and nervous, and above all things, trusting. He had been wonderfully innocent;
she had seen that right away. The other three guys he was with looked somewhat
less naïve, but not Brian. She had watched him carefully, never letting him out
of her sight and never letting him see her. The closer she looked, the more she
realized that he was hard to get to, and she had wondered what the bodyguards
were for.
But she had waited, impatiently, until his
three friends found girls to dance with. He hadn’t seemed upset that he wasn’t
dancing; he just continued to talk and laugh with those bodyguards as he sipped
on his beer. She smirked. Not a big drinker, huh? Making sure she looked
perfect, she made her move. Knowing innocence would work better than seduction;
she had walked past him slowly and pretended to trip over her own ridiculously
high-heeled boots. As she had expected, he had hurriedly caught her and kept
her from falling. “Are you ok?” He had asked, sounding concerned. She had
nodded and smiled. So, you’re from America? The slight Southern accent
that she had heard made her smile even more brightly. Oh he is so naïve.
Just perfect! The thought had crossed her mind as to why he was in Germany.
Originally, she would’ve said college trip or spring break, but the bodyguards
changed that theory.
“Yes, I’m fine, thanks,” she replied
sweetly. “I really need to quit wearing these shoes!” He laughed and her heart
unexpectedly started to beat faster. For a quick second she was mesmerized. The
way his eyes crinkled up when he smiled…the way his smile lit up his whole
face…how genuinely sweet he seemed. She swallowed hard. “Did you hurt yourself
or anything?” He asked. Oh God, please forgive me…he really is so innocent. “No,
I’m fine, just clumsy. Would you mind if we sat down for a second, though?”
“Oh, of course not. Do you want something to drink?” “Oh no, thank you, I’m
fine.” They had sat down at his table; he made sure she was settled before
sitting down himself.
“I’m Brian, by the way. What’s your name?
And what are you doing in Germany, if you don’t mind my asking,” he added
quickly. She had smiled, all the while hating herself for what she was about to
do to him. “My name’s Mackenzie. As you probably guessed, I’m from the U.S. And
so are you, right?” He nodded, listening to her attentively. “I came her about
a year ago for a…job, but it didn’t really work out. But I loved the country,
so I decided to stay.” Or you had no money and no way home. “What about
you?”
His face had brightened and his eyes lit up.
“I’m in a band, well a group. We’re called Backstreet Boys….” He trailed off,
hopefully, waiting to see if she had recognized the name. And she had. Her
‘friends’ and she had recently been commenting on them, since they were in
town, and the fact that yet another boy band had infiltrated the European music
scene. She nodded and smiled brightly. “Yes, I know the group,” she replied.
“Well, obviously not well enough that I recognized you, but yes, I have heard of
you. From what I’ve heard, I like very much!” He had blushed and smiled
happily. For the next few hours while his friends, band mates he had told her,
had danced and drank, the two of them had talked. For the first time in her
life, she had felt completely content with someone. He had never made her
uncomfortable or had pressured her for anything. And that was why she had
changed her mind. She wouldn’t scam him, wouldn’t take his money. And she
hadn’t.
“We’ll be here for the next few days,” he
had told her before leaving. “Can I see you again?” Asking my permission? I
don’t know how to handle that Brian. “Yes, I’d like that.” Tentatively, he
had leaned forward and pressed a chaste kiss on her lips. She had blushed
appropriately and smiled. She was, after all, playing the innocent.
Over the next few months she had,
technically, become his girlfriend. But it was all in secret. No one knew about
them, and that was how they both wanted it. For once, Brian didn’t want to be
the easily read open book. He wanted some freedom and some secrecy. And
Mackenzie hadn’t wanted to be bothered with the hassle of introductions. When
she inevitably hurt him, and she knew that she would, she didn’t want to face
the four guys who she had come to learn were like his brothers. So she followed
them around Europe. He gave her money and she always showed up wherever they
went.
At first the relationship was innocent and
sweet. His kind and compassionate manner made her want to be the same and to
have a real relationship with him. But she was weak and very susceptible
to outside forces. Those ‘friends,’ substances that she had come to be addicted
to, and her own restlessness were just a few. For so long she had lived a
fast-paced and dangerous life. Nothing would have given her more pleasure than
to slow down and take things simply with Brian. But she didn’t allow herself
that luxury. She had convinced herself that she would be bored. But she didn’t
want to lose him. To her own annoyance and fear, she had fallen in love with
him. He was the complete opposite of everything she had ever known, and she was
infatuated, obsessed and above all, desperately in love. She wanted to keep
him. And so she had introduced him to the other side of her. And amazingly
enough, he had stayed.
She had found out that he was curious. She
could see that part of him desperately wanted to break out of that ‘perfect
gentleman’ mold. So she showed him her lifestyle, and he had liked it. Well…
most of it. She had promised herself that she wouldn’t destroy his innocence
completely…just give him a new perspective on some things.
When they got drunk, she took care of him.
She could tell that he had probably only ever been drunk once or twice before.
But she got him back to his hotel room, into bed and made sure he was ok. After
that first time, they had gone out often. Brian liked going out with her, liked
drinking with her, liked partying with her. Occasionally, they would lock
themselves in her hotel room and stay in. She could tell that he wasn’t a
virgin, but she could also tell that he hadn’t had sex often. Her heart had
melted into mush their first time together. He had been so gently, so caring,
and so concerned about her needs. No man had ever treated her that way in bed.
It was that night, after they had made love, that she had told him the real
reason that she was in Germany.
She had no father; her mother was a drunk
that beat her occasionally. An opportunity came along to get away from her
life, and it included fame and fortune. A modeling career. Naïve and young, she
had posed for pictures, some of them less than tasteful, and had agreed to a
trip to Europe for a chance at a ‘bigger career.’ But the man in charge of her
‘career’ was only using her to pay his debts. He owed someone a favor. So he
had dropped her at a man’s house in Germany. Not a modeling agency, but they
took pictures, they made movies…basically, porn. She had been terrified and had
tried to resist. The man in charge had raped and beat her. But that had only
happened once before she had escaped. And so she had been stuck in Germany ever
since, much more cynical and worse off than she had been with her drunken
mother in New York City.
His heart had broken for her and he had
actually shed tears. That had surprised her more than anything. She had made
herself dead to this story, pretended it was someone else she was talking about
and not herself. But his tears had made it all too real. For the first time in
years, she had cried. He had refused to leave her side all night. He held her
while she cried, and watched over her as she fell asleep in his arms.
But for all of his attentiveness and loving
nature, there had been something missing. What, she didn’t know, but she wanted
to find out. Because if that something could cause him to slip away, she had to
crush it before it did. Because she needed him desperately. He was her only
lifeline, and now, an addiction.
***
This night had been nothing new. They had
gone out, drank a little too much, and then came back to the hotel. Never to
his room, because he shared it with Nick, but to the room he always got for
her.
“You know Brian. I’d love to see your
friends’ faces if they ever saw you this way,” she said sweetly as she helped
him undress. He laughed and fell back on the bed, hindering her from taking off
any more clothes. “Kevin would flip and be so disappointed in me,” he said,
feigning sadness. “AJ and Howie would just laugh.” “And what about Nick?” She
asked, lying down next to him on her side. She propped herself up on an elbow
so she could see his face. “Nick would….” He stopped and shut his eyes. “Nick,”
he said softly, his voice sounding strange. He opened his eyes and she frowned
at the look she saw there. “What about Nick?” She prompted. “I love him,” he
whispered, his eyes clouding in confusion and uncertainty. “Nick,” he repeated.
He turned to look at her. “Mack, I don’t want Nicky to see me this way.
He’s…he’s so young and sweet, and he trusts me. He depends on me…I love that. I
want to….” He stopped again, his eyes falling shut. Her heart was beating
wildly with what she hoped were untrue assumptions. She had to know for sure
though. “You want to what, Brian? Wake up baby…tell me about Nick.” “I want to
take care of him, be there for him,” he whispered, his eyes barely open. They
fell shut once more and he whispered, “I want him,” before falling asleep.
She bit her lip and sat up. Staring down at
his sleeping face everything, sadly, began to fall into place. That’s what had
been missing. He loved her, cared deeply about her, but he wasn’t in love with
her. He couldn’t be…he was already in love with someone else…his best friend.
And he didn’t even know it.
