“I can’t tell him Mack; he’d never
understand,” Brian said sadly, dropping his face into his hands. She watched
with her heart in her throat as his shoulders started to shake. He was crying!
The last thing she had wanted to do was make him cry. Tentatively, she moved
closer and put her arm around him. “But look at yourself, Brian! You’re
miserable,” she said softly into his ear as she smoothed his soft curls.
Suddenly, he pulled away from her and stood up. “I’m not miserable,” he protested
angrily, his voice somewhat shaky. “I was just fine until tonight. Until you
came back and reminded me of everything!” He walked over to the small table in
the room and grabbed her purse. Roughly, he pulled her up off of his bed and
shoved it at her. “Here…now go. Just get out of here and leave me alone
Mackenzie!” “Brian, I—” He shook his head and pulled her towards the door.
“Now! And don’t come back. I don’t want to see you again!” He pushed her
outside and quickly shut the door.
She stared wordlessly at the hotel door in
front of her for a few minutes. Finally, she recovered from the shock of Brian
throwing her out and smiled wickedly. She kissed her fingertips and then
pressed them to the door. “I’ll see ya soon baby. I love you,” she added
softly, lingering for only a few more seconds before turning and leaving.
He turned away from the door and fell onto
his bed. He shut his eyes and ran his hands through his hair. “Damn it Mack.
Why’d you have to do this to me again?” He asked softly. He sighed and shut his
eyes. “Oh Nicky, I wish that….” He trailed off, not really knowing what to say.
Figuring that he was already thinking about him anyway, he’d allow himself to
do what he almost never did. He’d fantasize. For so long he had denied having
any feelings for Nick to himself. They were still there, as strong as the first
moment he had discovered them, but he didn’t allow himself to feel them.
He pulled a pillow against his chest and
rolled onto his side. He hadn’t wanted to admit it to her, but she was right.
He had pictured everything just like she had said. Running his fingers through
Nick’s hair, kissing him, touching him. If Brian could have just one wish, he’d
wish for one night with Nick. One night to touch him, kiss him, taste him.
Brian shuddered and let out a small, strangulated moan. He wanted to know what
he felt like, what he tasted like. He wanted to kiss every inch of Nick’s body,
touch him everywhere. He wanted to make Nick writhe with pleasure. He wanted to
know what he looked like, what he sounded like when he came.
He jumped suddenly and pulled himself out of
his fantasy when he heard a knock on his door. Sighing he stood up and moved to
answer it. “Swear to God Mack, that better not be you,” he muttered under his
breath. He undid the lock and yanked the door open. “Nick! My God, what’s the
matter?” Instantly, Brian grabbed his hand and pulled him inside. Nick pulled
away and sat down on the bed. Hastily, he wiped at his teary eyes and looked
down at the floor. Brian sat down next to him and waited for his best friend to
explain his tears. From what Brian could see, he didn’t look nearly as drunk
now as he had been when he had come back to the hotel.
“This is so stupid Bri,” he said softly, his
voice low. He couldn’t meet Brian’s eyes; he felt like such a wimp. “Just tell
me what’s wrong,” Brian said in a soothing voice. “But it’s so stupid!” He
repeated, his voice louder now. “I feel like such a fucking baby,” he said
angrily. He stood up, crossed the room and stared out the window. “I had the
nightmare again,” he said softly, after a few minutes. “You mean….” He nodded.
“Yes, the one I used to have like five years ago,” he said bitterly. Brian
could tell how embarrassed Nick was. In fact, he knew Nick was probably
regretting coming to his room now. He knew that above all things, Nick hated
being seen as a child.
Brian could guess what had probably
happened. Nick had woken up from the nightmare that had put him into Brian’s
arms so many times when they were younger. It was nothing specific, one of your
typical run of the mill nightmares. He was always looking for something and
could never find it. Brian wondered, though, why it had happened now; he hadn’t
had it recently. But Brian knew that once Nick had woken up he would’ve called out
for him. And when he got no answer, he would have panicked. Then, without
really thinking about it, he would have rushed over to Brian’s room before he
could stop himself. But now that he was here, he was probably regretting acting
so hastily. Brian thanked God he hadn’t come over when Mack had been here.
“When I woke up and you weren’t there, I
kinda freaked,” Nick said softly. He turned around and ran his hands through
his hair. “I’m sorry, did I wake you up? Look, Bri, I’m sorry I bothered you.
Will you please not tell anyone about this?” He asked softly, his eyes meeting
Brian’s for the first time since he had got to his room. “Of course I won’t,”
Brian said gently. “But Nick, you didn’t bother me. You know you can always
come to me with anything, right?” Nick nodded. “I just…Bri, it’s so fucking
stupid, and I—” “Nick, it’s not stupid,” Brian said as he stood up and crossed
the room to join the younger man near the window. “And I don’t think you’re
acting like a child or anything, ok?” Nick smiled weakly after searching
Brian’s eyes to make sure he was telling the truth. “Thanks, Brian,” he said
softly.
He started towards the door, but stopped
suddenly and groaned in frustration. But then he started to laugh. “Nick?”
Brian asked, sounding amused. “I don’t have a key to my room,” he said as a
bright smile spread across his face. Brian’s stomach did flip-flops and he
swallowed hard. He loved Nick’s smile. And suddenly, he didn’t think he could
let him go tonight. He wanted him here in his room…in his bed. “If I wake up
security they’ll kill me,” Nick said, still giggling slightly. “You could call
the front desk,” Brian suggested tentatively, hoping he wouldn’t want to. “Or I
could just stay here,” he said matter-of-factly. He plopped himself down on Brian’s
bed and pushed his way underneath the covers. He smiled at Brian. “You don’t
mind, do ya?” No, of course I don’t. I’m just surprised at how easy it was
to get you to stay. Brian laughed. “Well, since you’re already so
comfortable and all.” He stood up and went to the bathroom, returning in only
boxers and a t-shirt. He froze when he saw that Nick didn’t have a shirt on
anymore and that his track pants had found their way to the floor as well.
Nick yawned sleepily and smiled at Brian.
“Will you turn off the light and get in bed already?” He called playfully,
pulling Brian out of his daze. Brian swallowed hard and tried his best to
smile. He got into bed next to Nick and shut off the light. He heard Nick yawn
again and then turn onto his side. He jumped when he felt Nick’s hand on his
shoulder. “Thanks, Brian,” he said softly. He squeezed his shoulder briefly
before removing his hand and settling down to sleep.
Brian laid perfectly still, his heart
beating wildly. He bit down on his lip and carefully turned onto his side so
that he was facing Nick. “Anytime Nick,” he whispered. He knew then, that it
had been Nick’s deliberate intention to stay. He would never, ever admit that
to Brian or anyone else, but Brian knew him well enough to know that it was true.
Brian knew that Nick felt safest with him close by, especially at night after
he’d had a nightmare. He smiled softly in the dark. For the next few minutes he
lay still and debated his next action. Finally, he worked up enough nerve and
just prayed that Nick would still react the way he had when he was younger.
He reached his shaking hand out and let it
rest on Nick’s blanket-covered side. And then, just as he always had after a
nightmare, Nick moved closer and wound an arm tightly around Brian’s body.
Brian bit his lip and choked back his tears. Tentatively, he tightened his grip
on the younger man. But Nick was fast asleep now and didn’t notice. He wondered
if Nick had left his key in his room on purpose or if he truly had just rushed
out and forgotten it. Either way, Brian knew without a doubt, that Nick had
never intended on going back to his own room tonight. But ‘forgetting’ the key
and not wanting to wake their bodyguards were his excuses to not have to spend
the rest of the night alone. He would never willingly admit that he had wanted
to stay in Brian’s room. And he’d die before admitting he’d wanted to sleep in
Brian’s bed, in his arms. But Brian didn’t care. He marveled at how good Nick
felt in his arms; how perfectly their bodies fit together. “I love you Nick,”
he whispered, secure in the knowledge that Nick was asleep and couldn’t hear
him. But he liked to pretend that he did. Pretend that he heard him and that he
replied, ‘I love you too.’
