Chapter 6 - Past

“Mackenzie, I was drunk out of my mind! I had no idea what I was talking about!” Brian argued. He couldn’t believe that she was actually taking what he had said the other night seriously. “No Brian,” she said, her voice heated with a determined edge to it. “I know what I heard. Yes, you were drunk, but you knew what you were talking about. The fact that you were drunk is probably what gave you the courage to say it! So admit it Brian…you want him! You’re attracted to Nick, you probably always have been!”  

Brian shook his head emphatically. His eyes seemed to be pleading with her to stop, to drop the whole subject. She frowned and watched as he stood up and walked to the window of her hotel room. “No Mack, you’re wrong!” He whispered fiercely, sounding as if he was trying to convince himself as well as her. She sighed and stood up to join him at the window. She slipped her hand into his and squeezed gently. She knew that they could probably go on the way they had been. She could see herself with him years from now even. But she knew in her heart that neither of them would ever truly be happy. Especially Brian. 

It was one thing for her to pretend. She knew that she would be able to live with him forever even as he pined for someone else, just so she wouldn’t have to be alone. But he would be denying who he was and whom he really wanted. Part of her wanted Brian to admit his feelings, feelings he might not even be aware that he consciously had, so that he could be whole and happy. But the other part wanted him to admit to them because of this strange and dark fascination she had suddenly developed. 

Sweet and not-so-innocent-anymore-thanks-to-her Brian with sweet young, hopelessly pure Nick. That fascinated her. True, she hadn’t even been around Nick much, so she couldn’t truly gauge his feelings. But she had seen him with Brian a few times. Brief glimpses of them laughing and smiling in hallways or getting onto their bus. Once she had spied on them through her hotel room as they swam in the pool. From what she could see Nick practically worshipped Brian, and Brian watched over him like a protective mother hen. 

She knew that Brian didn’t truly realize he had these feelings for Nick. She also realized that admitting to them would violate his beliefs and his lifestyle. He was lost. These feelings made him lost, and in turn made her want to protect him, to help him find what he so desperately needed to truly live. Because she was lost too and maybe helping Brian to find his way could somehow help her. 

“Bri?” She asked softly, waiting for him to turn and look at her. When he did she bit down on her lip. He looked scared, worried…panicked even. Part of her begged to stop and not hurt him. Let him live in ignorance, that voice begged. But she had convinced herself that this was best for him. “Please Mack, just…leave it alone, ok?” He pleaded, taking both of her hands in his own. She sighed. There had to be another way, because talking wasn’t doing it. The answer came to her rather quickly. She smiled at him and gently kissed his lips. “It’s ok baby,” she said sweetly, watching his face settle into a mask of relief.  

“I know a great club here,” she went on with her usual air of excitement and forced happiness. “You wanna go out?” He smiled and nodded eagerly, slipping his arms around her waist. “When do we leave?” He asked softly, pressing his mouth to hers. She smiled and kissed her back, despite the fact that her plans for an evening out were less than honest. 

***

It wasn’t a gay club, but it wasn’t completely straight either. It was more of an anything goes and no one cares type of atmosphere. Not that Brian seemed to notice anyway. She had made sure to get him plenty buzzed on the way over in the limo. He was anxious to dance with her, but she made sure he had another drink in his hand first. Brian grasped onto her hips firmly, pulling her body tightly against his own. He took her mouth in a fierce kiss, sucking on her bottom lip before slipping his tongue into her mouth. She moaned softly, wishing she could stop the voice in her head reminding her of her original intention in bringing him here.  

As they continued dancing her eyes searched the crowd for her two friends that she had asked to meet her here. When she found them she motioned them over. Having discussed the situation with them briefly on the phone, she knew they would help her. Miranda came to stand behind her, whispering in Mackenzie’s ear that she and Jonathan had the perfect idea. Mackenzie only nodded and quickly began to understand their ‘plan’ as she felt Miranda slip her arms around her waist. She pulled away from Brian watching him with seductive eyes. She smiled wickedly and reminded herself to thank her crafty friends later. Brian’s eyes widened in surprise and lust as she turned around in Miranda’s arms. “Where’s Jon?” She asked as Miranda let her hands wander Mack’s soft body, keeping up the act for Brian. “Behind your boy,” she replied, leaning closer. “Don’t worry, he knows what to do.” Mack arched her eyebrows and smirked at her friend. “Is Brian watching us?” Miranda nodded and licked her lips. “Good. So kiss me.”  

Miranda giggled as she slid a hand up into Mack’s blonde hair. Mack wound her arms around her friend’s back and pulled her close. Brian watched silently, frozen to his spot on the dance floor as Mackenzie kissed the dark haired girl who had pulled her away to dance. Thanks to the loud music and his lack of sobriety, he hadn’t seen or heard them talking. All he saw were two beautiful women dancing, touching…kissing. He watched them intently, unable to look away. He had never seen anything quite so erotic and so close to him. A small moan escaped his lips when he felt two arms encircle his waist from behind. Almost instantly he realized that it was a male body he was now pressed up against. That knowledge only added to the intense arousal he felt from watching the two women in front of him.  

The thought did briefly cross his mind to pull away from the warm male arms that encircled him, but his body quickly silenced that thought. A million new feelings and sensations rushed through his alcohol-clouded mind. He closed his eyes and leaned back into the man’s embrace. Every inch of Brian’s body tingled in pure pleasure and nervous anticipation. A realization clicked inside of him. This felt so good, so right…he was supposed to feel this way. He jumped slightly in surprise when he felt a pair of lips on his neck. “Mmm…God,” he moaned, his head falling to the side as a soft mouth began sucking on his skin. 

Mackenzie broke her kiss with Miranda and looked over her shoulder to see Brian wrapped in Jonathan’s arms. His eyes were shut and he was gripping tightly to the arms wound around his waist. “Jesus….” She whispered hotly, licking her lips and motioning for Miranda to turn around and look. Miranda’s _expression mirrored her friend’s. Both of them stood there with arms loosely wrapped around each other’s waists just staring at the two men in front of them. Jon lifted his lips from where he had been tracing patterns with his tongue on Brian’s neck and winked at both of them before turning the smaller man around in his arms. 

Brian’s eyes fluttered open and he found himself face to face with gorgeous blue eyes and a mop of blonde hair. Nick… That was the first thought that found its way into his clouded mind. And that was, of course, the precise reason Mackenzie had chosen Jonathan to help her with her plan to bring Brian out of the closet. Brian shivered as Jonathan’s hands ran lightly up his spine coming to rest at the base of his neck. He flashed a small, seductive looking smile at Brian, who let himself wind his arms around the other man’s waist. He felt drawn to him, unable to pull away, wanting nothing more than to kiss him. 

He didn’t have to wait long. Jonathan tipped Brian’s head up and leaned down to press his lips to his. Brian couldn’t help the small sigh he let out at the feel of another man’s mouth on his own. It was as if he had been waiting for so long…waiting for something that he hadn’t even dared to name. And now he had found it. Jonathan slid his hands into Brian’s soft curls as he continued kissing him. The kisses were light; feathery…sweet, chaste touches that Jon knew wouldn’t frighten Brian away. He knew exactly what he was doing. When Mack had explained Brian’s situation to her friends, he had been more than glad to help. Seduction was his specialty. 

Slowly, when he knew Brian was ready, Jonathan took his bottom lip between his own and sucked on it lightly. Brian’s fingers stayed where they were clutched tightly to the small of Jonathan’s back as he let his mouth fall open. Brian gasped in pleasure as Jonathan slipped his tongue into his mouth. He kept one hand on the back of Brian’s neck, letting his other arm slide down his back, encircling his waist. He pulled him tightly against himself so that they were pressed up together. Mouth to mouth, body to body…. Brian shuddered in pleasure as Jonathan explored his mouth; his tongue searching and tasting everywhere he could find. Growing bolder, he pulled Jonathan closer and kissed him back. Their kisses grew deeper, hotter, until they had no choice but to pull apart to breathe. 

Brian’s eyes fluttered open and he stared up into the face of the man he had just kissed so passionately. The eyes he looked into held him captive and he couldn’t look away. Jonathan stared down into Brian’s own blue eyes kindly, a little amazed himself that the kiss had been that good. Once again he brought his hands to Brian’s neck, cupping his face in his hands and running his thumbs over his soft cheeks. He leaned closer and kissed him again, very softly, slowly, though that underlying heat was still there. But Jonathan knew he had to stop before he went too far. Already, he found himself wanting more with this sweet young man who he knew was now terribly confused about everything he was feeling. Jon could imagine the thoughts running through his head. He pulled away and smiled, pressed his lips to Brian’s once more for a short kiss and then released his hold on him. Stroking his cheek gently he said, “You’re a great kisser babe.” He flashed him his trademark grin, knowing it made people weak, planted one last kiss on his forehead and turned and walked away as the latest song ended.  

Brian stood perfectly still as the song faded into a new one, staring after the man who, unknowingly, had forever changed his life. He looked around desperately for Mackenzie. She saw his frantic look from where she and Miranda stood, a few feet off the dance floor. They had watched the entire exchange between the two men intently. She made her way through the crowd to Brian’s side as Miranda found Jonathan close by at the bar. “Hey baby, you ok? I saw you with—” “I’ll be right back,” Brian cut her off, turning away and moving quickly in the direction of the bathrooms. Mackenzie bit her lip as she watched him go. Maybe I shouldn’t have done this, she thought to herself. It was a fleeting thought. It had already happened and it was too late. But the look of fear, of panic that she had seen in Brian’s eyes stuck with her.  

“So where’d he go?” Miranda asked Mack as she joined them at the bar. “Bathroom,” she replied quickly, not really wanting to discuss what had just happened with Brian. But Jonathan was making that impossible. “Jesus, Mack why didn’t you tell me he was so fucking hot?” He asked with a smile. “And damn, the boy can kiss!” Miranda giggled and threw an arm around Mackenzie. “You’re not too bad a kisser yourself babe!” She said with a smile, leaning over to press her lips to her friend’s cheek. Finally Mack smiled and laughed softly. “Neither are you sweetie,” she said, winking knowingly. “I think your boy wants you Mack,” Jonathan said suddenly pointing to where Brian stood against the wall searching her out. “Ok thanks Jon. I’ll see you guys later and thanks for everything.” She smiled briefly before making her way across the dance floor to where Brian stood. “Hey baby, you wanna—” “Mack can we leave now please?” Brian begged, his eyes full of anxiety. “Of course we can baby.” She took his hand and led him out of the crowded club. 

***

On the ride back to the hotel Brian said nothing. He was reliving every moment of his kiss with that man over and over. Part of him was begging to let it go, to forget the entire experience, but he just couldn’t. Mack knew what he was thinking about and she wanted to get him to talk about it. She leaned close to him and kissed him on the cheek, startling him out of his thoughts. “So Bri,” she started softly, being sure to keep her voice light and carefree. “Did you like the kiss that guy gave you?” He sucked in a breath of air sharply and cringed. “I don’t wanna talk about it Mack, please,” he whispered, looking down into her eyes. She started to protest until she saw the helpless, confused look in his eyes. Ok, I’ll stop…for now, she thought to herself. But I will get you to talk about that kiss Bri. You’re gonna tell me exactly how it felt. 

He grasped lightly to her hand as they walked into the hotel. They came to his door first and he stopped. “I’m gonna stay here tonight, ok?” He asked softly, his eyes looking downward. She stopped a devilish grin from appearing on her lips and let go of his hand. So you wanna be with your Nicky tonight, huh? He kissed her lightly before turning to unlock the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow Mack, ok?” He asked softly. She nodded yes and gave him another kiss, knocking the key he had just used to unlock his door out of his hand. “Oops! I’ll get it,” she said with a smile. As she leaned down and scooped up his key, she quickly and discreetly switched it with her own. “Thanks,” Brian said softly as she handed him the wrong key. “No problem. I’ll see you tomorrow Bri. Or in a few minutes,” she added softly after he went inside. 

***

Brian shut the door behind him and took a deep breath. He stopped at the foot of Nick’s bed and simply watched him sleep. Light from the muted TV flickered over his boyish face causing Brian to smile. Nick always slept with the TV on when he wasn’t there. He stood there for a good ten minutes just watching his younger best friend sleep. He felt his heart constrict in his chest. I love you. His mind said the words but he was unwilling to say them out loud. If he were honest, he’d admit that when he had kissed that man at the club part of him had pretended that it was Nick. 

An overwhelming desire to crawl into bed with the blonde and hold him ran through him. But what would he say? Slowly, as he peeled off his clothes he found himself wishing Nick would have a nightmare so he’d have an excuse to hold him. As he switched off the TV he sat on the edge of his bed in only boxers and a t-shirt and once again stared at Nick’s sleeping form. A tiny bit of moonlight slipped in through the hotel curtains and danced across his face. Brian trembled as he stood up, crossing the small space that lay between their beds. He had to touch him, that’s all there was to it. Suddenly his desperate mind formed an idea. Nightmares. Brian was forever comforting Nick from nightmares. So why couldn’t it be the other way around?  

“Nick,” he whispered, reaching out to squeeze the blonde’s t-shirt-covered shoulder. “Nick, wake up,” Brian called, needing this so badly yet at the same time, terrified that Nick would see through his feeble plan. Nick’s sleepy eyes fluttered open, searching for what had woken him. He blinked a few times before focusing on Brian’s face. “Bri?” He asked sleepily. “What’s wrong?” He went on, sounding slightly more awake as his eyes adjusted to the darkness and he saw the nervous look on his best friend’s face. “I….” Brian swallowed hard. He didn’t want to lie to Nick, but he honestly didn’t know if he’d be able to get through the night without feeling his touch. “I had a nightmare,” he blurted out, his eyes darting around nervously as he sat down on the edge of Nick’s bed. He was sure Nick would push him away and accuse him of lying at any second. But what he didn’t realize was that his shaky, nervous appearance was perfect for the pretense of having had a bad dream. 

“Nick, can I—” “Yes, you can stay with me,” Nick said, sounding almost excited. As Brian watched his best friend move over in bed and lift the covers for him to crawl under, he realized that Nick believed him and he was more than happy to let him stay. From the tone of his voice and his obvious desire to help, Brian could see that he was thrilled to finally get the chance to pay Brian back for all the nights he’d held him after his own nightmares. And from the looks of it, he was glad to know he wasn’t the only one who got upset about them. An intense wave of guilt swept over Brian as he slipped beneath the blankets and into Nick’s arms. But it wasn’t strong enough to make him leave. Nick pulled him close, wrapping his arms around his best friend’s back. 

Brian squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stop the tears that fell as he slid his arms around Nick’s back. He felt terrible for using Nick this way, for betraying his trust…. And Nick was being so sweet, so eager to help his older friend. Sensing Brian’s distress, Nick began rubbing his back slowly, trying his best to comfort him. Brian cried silently as Nick’s soft hands ran up and down his back. He clung to him when Nick’s hands stilled, his even breathing letting Brian know he was fast asleep.  

Oh God Nick, what am I doing? Help me Nicky…help me find out who I am. Brian looked up slightly as a band of light spilled across the room from the hallway. His eyes quickly locked with those of the person who had entered their room. Mackenzie. They stared at each other wordlessly for a few minutes, a look of triumph in her eyes, a mix of sadness and anger in his. Eventually, she turned away, picked up the key to her own room and switched it with Brian’s, making sure he could see what she was doing. Finally, she turned and blew him a kiss before leaving. Brian’s body trembled with anger. She had set him up. She had known he would find a way into Nick’s bed and she had wanted to see it. 

Damn it! The more he thought about it, the more he realized she may have had something to do with setting up his first kiss with another man as well. If he knew anything at all about Mack, it was that she didn’t give up easily. And she had dropped the subject of him having feelings for Nick rather quickly….  

Nick stirred in his arms, rolling onto his back. Brian propped himself up on his elbow and looked down at his sleeping face. He reached out and ran his fingers over Nick’s soft cheek, his chin, his hair, even across his lips. Brian shivered. Your lips are so soft… But he shook his head even as he stared lovingly at Nick’s mouth. You will not kiss him. You won’t take advantage of him that way, he told himself. Sighing, he snuggled close to the younger man, happy to feel Nick’s arms automatically wrap around him. As he drifted off to sleep his mind whispered those three little words again. I love you. But he still couldn’t say it out loud. 

Chapter 7 - Present

“Bri, come on, come out with us tonight!” Nick whined, pouting dramatically. AJ laughed. “That’s a lost cause Nicky. It’s past Brian’s bed time!” He teased. “Shut up skinny!” Brian yelled with a smile. “Next time Nick, I promise,” Brian said, smiling up at his best friend. Nick rolled his eyes and smiled back. “I’m holding you to it Frick!” Brian laughed again as he headed back to his room. “Have a good time guys!” He called as they got into the waiting elevator. He went into his room and shut the door behind him, heading first towards the phone. 

He hadn’t noticed until now, two weeks after Mackenzie’s unexpected visit, that one of his credit cards was missing. Upon calling, he had discovered that she had managed to take out some 3,000 dollars. He knew why too. When they had left that hotel, he had checked the bathroom to make sure he hadn’t left anything. He hadn’t, but she had. He found a small plastic bag on the floor, the remnants of a white powder in it. Angrily, he had crumpled it up and flushed it down the toilet. She needed his money to buy more drugs.  

Turning his attention back to his phone call, he waited to be connected to a real person so he could report the stolen card. He smiled to himself. I’ll make you pay Mack. Not that I care about the money, but for everything you’ve ever done to me…. But when he started talking, an uneasy thought settled over him. “Mr. Littrell, when was your credit card stolen?” The lady on the phone asked him. He swallowed hard and ran his hands through his hair. A few seconds was all it took. Sighing, he made his decision. “Today. It was stolen today.” He didn’t want people checking on this, trying to find her. Although, that probably wouldn’t happen. No one was going to be too concerned about catching a girl who had stolen 3,000 dollars from someone who had fifty times that much money. And more importantly, if she were found, Brian would have to explain who she was, how she had stolen his credit card in the first place. Exposing her would mean exposing himself and all of his secrets. That was the last thing he wanted. He just wanted to forget about her again and hope to God she never came back. 

He dialed the phone a second time, connecting to the room of his bodyguard. Brian told him he was definitely staying in tonight so he was free to do whatever. When he hung up he stood up and ran his hands through his hair. When did I become such a good liar? He wondered sadly, hating the fact that he had so many secrets. Why is my life so complicated? Of course, those complications would end if he would just tell everyone the truth about his sexuality. But then a whole new set of complications would arise, and he wasn’t near ready to deal with those ones yet.  

But he did hate lying. And in the past ten minutes, he had lied to his bodyguard, the credit card company and most importantly, his friends. He had told them he didn’t want to go out with them because he was tired, but that wasn’t true at all. He wanted to go out, just not with them or where they were going. He needed something that none of them could give him and he had to go alone. He really didn’t remember what city they were in today, but it was easy enough to find what he needed. He had been aching for this ever since that night, two weeks ago, when Nick had slept in his arms. But the towns they had been in were small and didn’t have what he wanted. But this city, whatever it was, did. 

He snuck out quietly, not wanting to disturb his bodyguard, who was probably sleeping his free night away. Dressed now in leather pants and a tight tank top, something he never normally wore, he made his way to the back entrance of the hotel to avoid any lingering fans and found his awaiting cab. It only took about ten minutes to get where he was going. He paid for the cab and walked hurriedly to the address he had found in the phonebook at the hotel. Taking a deep breath, he went inside. 

It was no different from any other club like this that he had been in. Flashing lights and pounding techno…and most importantly, men. His heart beat with excitement and anticipation. Every so often, while they were on tour he’d sneak out and find a club much like this one. He needed it once in a while, needed to dance with some random stranger…dance with him, kiss him, touch him…. He never let it go further. That had only happened once…. He shook his head, not wanting to let that memory invade his mind at the moment. 

He made his way to the bar and ordered a drink. Turning around, he surveyed the crowd, his eyes feasting on the male bodies pressed against each other. He didn’t have to wait long to join them. A tall man with blonde hair stood nearby, leaning against the wall. Their eyes locked and he motioned silently for Brian to join him. Wordlessly, Brian walked through the crowd towards him, his blood racing in anticipation of their first touch. Almost immediately, the taller man slid his arms around Brian’s waist. Brian ran his hands up his arms and rested them on his shoulders. The man seemed to know Brian didn’t want to say anything. But he wanted his name. “Brian,” he said into his ear. “I’m Nicholas,” he replied before pulling Brian tightly against him. 

Brian stiffened briefly at the sound of his name before letting himself relax in the embrace. Nick… It didn’t escape Brian’s notice that every guy he had ever danced with, ever kissed was a blonde. And, the only two guys he had ever slept with had held even more of a resemblance to his best friend. They had both been tall with blonde hair and blue eyes. But he had never before been given an opportunity to actually moan Nick’s name while in the arms of another man before. This time, it wouldn’t matter.  

Brian reveled in the feel of the hot male body he was pressed so tightly against. He could feel every curve of his body pressing against his own, smell his cologne; feel his hands running up and down his back. It was intoxicating, delicious. He let his fingers slip into Nicholas’ hair when his lips met Brian’s neck. Those lips quickly traveled across his cheek, along his jaw line until he was inches from his mouth. Their lips brushed together lightly, the blonde teasing Brian with a smirk. Brian smiled back briefly, but he was quick to respond. He pressed his hand to the back of Nicholas’ neck and crushed their lips together. He didn’t want slow or teasing. He wanted hard, lustful kisses. Kisses that didn’t give him time to think, only feel. Kisses that let him be free and took away his constant heartache.  

Brian slipped his tongue between Nicholas’ lips, eagerly tasting him and massaging his tongue with his own. Nicholas’ hands tightened around his waist, pulling their bodies even closer. Brian allowed the taller man to take control of the kiss. He slanted his mouth over Brian’s, plunging his tongue into his mouth and tasting all he could find. As Brian weaved his fingers through Nicholas’ blonde hair, he moaned deep in his throat, pulling him closer and kissing him deeper. His head was spinning, that amazing feeling of forbidden pleasure running through his body. In his mind he was kissing his Nick…his sweet best friend whom he couldn’t seem to fall out of love with.  

Nicholas grasped Brian’s hips in his hands and pulled them against his own, moaning softly before breaking their passionate kiss. He stared down into Brian’s blue eyes and smiled softly. Taking Brian’s hand in his own, he pulled him off the dance floor. Brian readily followed when Nicholas led him to a darkened corner of the club, somewhat away from the lights and the music. There were a few secluded sections there that could best be described as booths, but no one present was making use of the small tables placed at each. Well at least not to set food or drinks on. 

Nicholas pulled him down onto the plush black cushions and ran his hands up Brian’s naked arms to his neck. Brian shivered and eagerly reached for him, pulling the blonde onto his lap. Nicholas’ legs straddled his waist as he pushed himself down against Brian’s hips. Brian moaned in pleasure and let his head fall back as he brought his hands to Nicholas’ hips. He grasped them tightly and forced him to move, rubbing their erections together. Nicholas squeezed Brian’s shoulders and pressed his mouth to his. Immediately and instantly, their mouths opened, tongues tangling and fighting for dominance.  

Briefly, Brian thought about stopping…he never usually went this far with guys he met in clubs, but he needed the release and the brief escape it provided. Brian trailed his lips from Nicholas’ mouth across his cheek to his neck where he began sucking and nibbling at the soft skin he found there. Nicholas moaned his name as he tangled his fingers in Brian’s hair and rocked their hips together again and again. Brian shivered each time the blonde whispered his name. He was completely caught up in his fantasy. He shut his eyes as Nicholas began kissing him again. Both of them were frantic, kissing deeply and touching as much of each other as they could.  

“Oh God…Nick!” Brian yelled, his head falling back in pleasure as he came hard. The intensity of his orgasm was only increased by the fact that he got to cry out Nick’s name. Nicholas followed him seconds later, calling out his name and collapsing on his chest. Weakly, Brian lifted his arms and ran his fingers through Nicholas’ soft blonde hair. They stayed that way for some time, catching their breath and letting their heart beats return to normal. Finally Nicholas pulled back, looking down into Brian’s eyes and smiling softly. Brian smiled back briefly, but his eyes soon clouded in confusion, his face paling.  

“Brown eyes,” he whispered, staring intently at Nicholas. “Not blue…I…oh God, I’m so sorry,” he went on, tears forming in his eyes. “Please…I didn’t mean to use you that way! I’m so…sorry,” he said quickly, his explanation only truly making sense to himself. He stood up on wobbly legs and made his way to the bathroom as fast as he could. Luckily, no one else was in there. Blindly, through his tears, Brian found his way into the last stall and shut the door. He sank down to the floor beneath him and drew his knees up to his chest. He didn’t know how long he sat there sobbing before he heard someone softly calling his name.  

“Brian, are you in there?” Nicholas looked underneath the doors and saw Brian curled up against the wall. He tried the door, but it was locked. He crouched down next to him and reached his hand under the door, grabbing onto Brian’s hand and squeezing it. “Brian, what’s wrong?” He asked softly. “Unlock the door,” he went on when Brian gave him no response. Sighing, Nicholas decided to tell him something he knew would get his attention. “Brian, I know who you are,” he said softly, quickly looking to make sure no one else was in the bathroom. “I know you’re a Backstreet Boy….”  

He heard Brian’s sobbing come to an abrupt halt and seconds later he unlocked the door and pushed it open. He stayed where he was and looked up into Nicholas’ eyes with a frightened look. “Please don’t—” Nicholas shook his head and pressed his fingers to Brian’s lips. “No, shhh, I’m not gonna tell anyone anything ok? I don’t kiss and tell, no matter how famous the person may be.” “I’m so sorry,” Brian whispered, failing to see Nicholas’ comforting smile through his tears. “I didn’t mean to use you that way; I feel terrible and—” “Hey, hey, Brian stop,” Nicholas said, smiling softly at him. He reached out and ran his hand through Brian’s hair. “You didn’t make me any promises. I was quite sure of what I was doing so please don’t worry and don’t apologize,” he said kindly. “But I—” “You were pretending I was someone else, huh?” Nicholas asked softly, staring intently into his eyes. 

Brian swallowed hard, unable to look away. He suddenly got the feeling that Nicholas knew exactly who he had been thinking of while they had been together. “Nick?” Nicholas asked very softly, still staring into his eyes. Brian bit down on his lip, desperately trying to hold back his tears again. He reached for Nicholas’ hand and squeezed it tightly, wondering why he couldn’t seem to deny what he had just said. He knew he should. He had to keep his love for Nick a secret, but he was just so tired of lying. “You said I had brown eyes, not blue, you called out Nick…not Nicholas,” he said softly, blushing slightly at Brian’s shocked _expression. “I’m a fan, I know his eyes are blue,” he said sheepishly.  

Brian laughed, surprising both himself and Nicholas. He let the blonde help him up as he wiped away his remaining tears. They both used the bathrooms, cleaning themselves off in the process from their earlier excursions before leaving. Nicholas wrapped an arm around his shoulder as they made their way back towards the dance floor. “Do you wanna go get some coffee somewhere or something?” Brian found himself nodding before he could stop himself. Nicholas smiled, still keeping a protective arm around him. “Good, I know the perfect place.” 

***

He took them to a small café. There were only a few other people there and no one bothered them or recognized Brian. They sat in a small booth in the back; the only other people there were seated at the bar intently watching some late night re-broadcast of a baseball game. “Brian, I don’t wanna sound forward or anything, and if you don’t wanna talk about it you certainly don’t have to, but…well, do the other guys know you’re gay?” Brian looked into his eyes, wondering again why he was here at all. He never should have let this happen. This man now knew things about him that not even his best friend did…. But all Brian saw in Nicholas’ eyes were kindness, a true desire to help, to just listen. That was something Brian needed so badly. Sure, Mackenzie knew about his sexuality, but she was hardly the first person Brian would call up to confide in about anything. 

Sighing, Brian shook his head. “No, they don’t know. No one knows…well, one other person does, but she’s…well she’s not important. I never told them because I wasn’t ready…I’m still not. I hate keeping something like this from them though.” Nicholas watched him carefully. He could tell how hard this was for Brian. “I understand that you’re not ready to tell them. Believe me it takes a lot of courage, and you can’t do it until you’re absolutely ready. Telling my friends and my family that I was gay was probably the hardest thing that I ever did,” Nicholas said softly, hoping his words could somehow comfort him. “But there was always one thing I was sure of,” he went on, smiling softly when Brian looked up eagerly. 

“What was that?” Brian asked, a small note of hope in his voice. Maybe, somehow, Nicholas would be able to tell him that things could work out, that it wouldn’t be as hard as he feared it to be. “I knew that my family and my friends loved me for who I was, not for who I dated or fell in love with. Not everyone is so lucky, but Brian, it seems to me that the five of you really do have a very close relationship with each other. I mean, it’s very obvious when you’re all in public together…unless you’re all very good actors!” Brian smiled brightly and shook his head. “No, as a matter of fact we’re pretty bad actors! You’re absolutely right. We are all very close, like brothers.” 

“Then, they wouldn’t turn you away for this, would they?” Nicholas asked softly, serious once again. “Sure, they’d probably be shocked, but do you really think it would matter to them?” Brian lowered his eyes and thought hard about what the blonde had said. He had never really allowed himself to think of what would happen if he told the guys he was gay. Thinking about it meant he was considering it and he was by no means ready to tell them yet. But he had never stopped to think about what they would say. What Nicholas said made sense. Brian knew AJ, Howie, Kevin and Nick as well as people could get to know others. He knew their quirks, their feelings, their loves and their hates, and above all he knew that they truly loved him. Interviews never lied when they mentioned how the five of them were like brothers. He really didn’t see how anything could come between them. Even this. 

“You’re right,” Brian said softly, staring down into the cup of coffee on the table in front of him. “They wouldn’t turn me away or hate me for it. I just think they’d be very surprised, but they’d get over it. But I just…I can’t tell them yet, I’m just not ready to.” Nicholas watched him, glad to know that he had at least been able to get Brian to see that his friends would probably not be as upset or disgusted as he believed they would. He knew he couldn’t convince him to tell them yet though. Brian had to do that on his own. And Nicholas could see that Brian was still unsure of himself. He was still discovering his sexuality by himself and was in no means ready to tell anyone else about it. Of course, another aspect that probably kept Brian from telling his band mates was Nick. Nicholas wasn’t sure, but from what he had seen in Brian’s eyes, it seemed that Brian wasn’t only attracted to his younger best friend, but that he was in love with him too. 

“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” Nicholas asked softly, still waiting for Brian to meet his eyes. When Brian said nothing, he thought that maybe he’d gone too far. “Brian, look I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—” Brian looked up and smiled sadly, shaking his head. “It’s ok,” he whispered. Nicholas winced at the tears he saw shining in Brian’s eyes. “Yes, I’m in love with him,” Brian whispered, answering Nicholas’ question. “And sometimes, it hurts so badly because I can’t have him. I’ll never have him,” Brian added softly. “But I won’t lose his friendship by telling him about my feelings. Telling him I’m gay is one thing. But telling him I’m in love with him is quite another. He wouldn’t return my feelings, and then things would be weird between us. I won’t do that.” He sighed, running his hands through his hair. “I just wish he were easier to get over,” he finished softly. Nicholas watched him as he took a sip of his coffee. He could tell that Brian didn’t want to talk about any of this anymore. He couldn’t blame him; the whole situation seemed to be extremely difficult from what he could gather. 

“I should really get back to the hotel,” Brian said after a few moments. Nicholas smiled and nodded, somewhat surprised by the twinge of regret he felt. Brian called himself a taxi while Nicholas paid their bill. The two of them left the small café and stood together outside, waiting for Brian’s cab. “Thank you Nicholas for everything,” Brian said softly, hoping he really could show the young man just how much he appreciated what he had done for him. “You don’t have to thank me Brian, really,” Nicholas replied kindly, smiling softly at him. But Brian nodded and returned his smile. “Yes I do,” he said softly. He hugged Nicholas tightly, surprising the blonde. “I’ve never had anyone I could talk to about any of this. You took the time to listen to me, to help me…thank you for all of that.” Nicholas smiled and returned his embrace whispering, “You’re welcome.”  

They pulled apart moments later, smiling at each other again. Brian’s cab came within a few minutes. With a lingering look, they took their last looks at each other. Before Brian could turn to leave though, Nicholas stopped him. “Brian wait,” he said quickly, unsure if what he was about to do was the right thing or not, but he just knew that he had to. He took Brian’s face in his hands and kissed him softly, wanting one last taste, one last touch. When they pulled apart, Brian blushed slightly and cupped the blonde’s cheek in his hand. “Thank you,” he whispered again. “Take my number Brian, please,” Nicholas whispered, not wanting him to be all alone again. He found himself wanting to be there for Brian, wanting to help him, even though he knew he could never have him, which he was surprised to find upset him slightly. “In case you ever need to talk again.” Brian bit down on his lip and reached for his cell phone. He took the blonde’s number, all the while wondering how he had been so lucky to come across someone so kind. 

“I mean it Brian; please don’t hesitate to call if you ever need to talk. I’ll always be willing to listen.” “Thank you again Nicholas. You’ll never know how much this means to me.” With that Brian turned and got into his cab, taking the time for one last look at the man he had just met before the driver pulled away towards his hotel. Nicholas watched him go, glad he had been able to do what he had for Brian, but wishing he could have done so much more. He hoped with all of his heart that someday he would find happiness. 

Chapter 8 – Past

Brian woke up early, sighing when he discovered he was still in Nick’s arms. He lay still for a few minutes, never wanting to move from his best friend’s warm embrace. He felt safe there. Safe and complete. Nothing had ever felt more right to him. Squeezing his eyes shut, he willed himself not to cry. Discovering how perfect it felt in Nick’s arms only brought him more heartache, because he knew no matter how badly he wanted it, he could never have him. 

Nick stirred a few moments later and opened his sleepy eyes. Brian smiled brightly at him, wanting nothing more than to drink up his beauty. He lay on his back, blonde hair thoroughly messed up, his blue eyes bright, his cheeks still flushed from sleep. Brian fought an intense urge to kiss him, smiling at him instead. “Good morning Nicky,” he said softly, hoping the tone of love he heard in his voice wasn’t as obvious to Nick as it was to him. But Nick only smiled and yawned loudly.  

“No morning is good Bri,” he said playfully, pouting. Brian laughed. “Why do we have to leave so early?” He whined, causing Brian to laugh again. “Cause almighty Kevin said so,” Brian joked, reluctantly pulling back the covers and leaving their warm bed. “Tell you what, I’ll get my shower first, but you better not be sleeping when I get out!” He warned playfully. If Brian had his way, he’d let Nick sleep until noon, but since they were leaving this hotel at ten, that would be a problem.  

As Brian showered, his thoughts drifted to the previous night, in turn to Mackenzie. He needed to talk to her now, before they got to wherever the hell they were going next. Quickly, he decided he’d go and see her while Nick was in the shower. He had to know if she had set him up, if she had planned to have him kiss that man at the club. As the hot water poured over his body, he couldn’t stop the memory of those lips on his own. He shuddered, leaning his head back against the tile and closing his eyes.  

He relived everything. He felt those arms around his waist, leaning back into the warm body that enclosed him. Turning around and facing those blue eyes, that intense stare. The first touch of their lips, and how sweet he had tasted. He wanted that kiss again and again. He wanted it badly. Almost unconsciously, his hands slid slowly over his wet chest and stomach, going lower to find his now prominent erection. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly as he wound his fingers around his cock, stroking himself slowly. Again and again he pictured the kiss, remembered ever sensation, every brand-new feeling that had run through his body.  

He stroked himself harder, faster as his mind continued to play last night’s memories relentlessly. His mouth fell open, gasping for breath as he brought himself closer and closer to orgasm. As his movements became more and more desperate, his thoughts unwittingly changed. They moved on, later in the night, to him and Nick in bed. Nick’s soft hands running up and down his back. Nick’s warm body pressed against his own. In his mind, he went further, leaning down and pressing his lips to his best friend’s. They were soft; they were pliant. He could almost taste Nick’s tongue on his own and when he imagined himself lowering himself onto Nick’s body, their mouths fused, their arms wound around one another, that’s when he climaxed. He shuddered in pleasure, coming hard, managing with his last shred of control to not scream Nick’s name. But he whispered it. Over and over he repeated the name of his friend as if it were a chant.  

Finally, his pleasure abated, leaving his legs like jelly and his heart a mess. He couldn’t believe what he had done. Jerking off in the shower to images of his sweet best friend. His best friend who was only feet away, just outside the bathroom door. He turned off the water in the shower and proceeded to dry off, all the while thinking about how he was going to face Nick after what he had just done.  

“It’s about time! What took you so long?” Nick asked teasingly as Brian came out of the bathroom. Brian tried his best to smile back but Nick was making it extremely difficult for him. He looked so beautiful sitting on the bed. His eyes shining, his hair splayed out wildly in all directions. Brian swallowed hard and turned away, gathering up his stuff and throwing it in his suitcase. “I wasn’t in there that long,” he said lightly, his face blushing furiously with the memory of what he had just done in the shower. “But you better get your shower now so we can get downstairs in time and—” He was cut off when Nick tackled him from behind, pinning him on his stomach and holding his arms behind his back. “I gotcha!” He declared triumphantly as he settled himself onto Brian’s legs. Brian couldn’t help but laugh. “Nick, let me go!” “Nope,” he said playfully, leaning down over Brian’s body so he was inches from his face. “I’m never letting you go,” Nick said dramatically. Brian couldn’t help the shiver that ran down his spine at those words. He knew he could only wish that they were true. 

The phone rang then, interrupting their one-sided wrestling match. “Nick, get the phone,” Brian said. When Nick only laughed Brian struggled harder to get away. “Nick, I swear to God…you know that’s Kevin and he’ll be pissed if you don’t answer the phone and—” Nick reluctantly agreed and pressed a wet, sloppy kiss to Brian’s cheek before climbing off him. Brian rolled his eyes as Nick smirked and answered the phone. 

As Nick talked to Kevin, who was obviously annoying the blonde, Brian finished dressing, willing himself not to think about the kiss Nick had just given him. He was just being Nick. Playful, lovable. He didn’t mean anything by it. Don’t be stupid Brian. “Brian? Hello?” Nick called out in a sing-song voice after hanging up the phone. “Hmm?” Brian finally answered, turning around to face his friend. “I’m sorry, what did you say Nick?” Nick cocked his head to the side and stared intently at Brian. “Is something wrong Bri? You’ve been acting strange ever since you got outta the shower.” Brian shook his head, hoping Nick couldn’t see through him. “No Nick, I’m fine. Just tired, that’s all. What did Kevin want?” He asked, quickly changing the subject. Nick looked at him a moment longer, not sure if he believed Brian. But since he didn’t have anything substantial to accuse him of lying with, he said nothing. He just had this feeling that something else was going on with his best friend that he had no idea about. 

“Nothing we didn’t already know,” Nick finally replied. “Just to be down there at ten. So I better get my shower now, huh?!” Brian smiled, relieved that Nick hadn’t seemed to notice his strange behavior. “Yeah, and don’t be all day about it!” “You should talk!” Nick called over his shoulder as he went into the bathroom. 

Quickly, Brian shoved the rest of his stuff into his suitcase, grabbed his key and left their room. Moments later he was down a flight of steps and knocking on Mackenzie’s door. After knocking and calling her name for a few minutes, she finally opened the door, looking groggy and still asleep. He wasted no time in pushing his way into her room, not giving her a second to resist. “Mack, why the hell did you steal my key and come into my room last night?!” He asked angrily. For a second she didn’t answer, but she quickly put on a coy _expression, sitting down on the bed and smiling sweetly at him. “I didn’t steal your key honey; I just mixed them up when you dropped yours last night. When I figured it out I came back to give you the right one,” she said innocently. “I don’t believe you for a second,” he said in a low voice, his eyes cold as they stared into hers. She had never seen him look that way and for a second, she thought she might have gone too far. 

“You set me up, didn’t you Mackenzie?” Brian asked harshly, staring down at her with a cold look on his face. Her heart screamed at her to lie, to sop everything she had been doing to him. It didn’t make the least bit of sense. Her goal was to get him to admit he was gay and that he was highly attracted to his best friend. But if she succeeded, she knew she would lose him. And she didn’t want to lose him, but she couldn’t seem to stop. 

“What do you mean Bri?” She asked sweetly. He ran his hands through his hair and took a deep breath. “Last night…in the club. You…you set me up with that guy, you….” “You mean Jonathan?” She asked, making it sound as if it were no big deal that she had known his name all along. “I thought you’d like him,” she said coyly, smiling up at him knowingly. Brian could only stare at her; unable to understand why she was doing this to him. “And yes,” she went on, standing up to wrap her arms around his waist. She ran her fingers up and down his back lightly and smiled at him through upturned eyes. “I came into your room last night on purpose. I wanted to see if you had made a move on Nick or not,” she said sweetly, seductively, her voice a little above a whisper.  

She leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Brian’s lips, running her hands through his hair. “So,” she went on, smiling devilishly at him. “How far did you get?” His face turned pale and he pushed her away angrily, turning away so she couldn’t see how upset he was. He took a small piece of paper out of his pocket and laid it on a table. “We’re going to Paris,” he said evenly, not turning around to face her as he spoke. “Here’s the name of the hotel and money to get you there,” he went on in his expressionless voice as he laid a suitable amount of money on the table along with the note. “I’ll see you there,” he finished, never once turning to face her as he walked out of the room. “Brian…” She called after him, but he was already gone. 

She sat down slowly; staring at the money and note he had left her. Tears threatened to fall, but she quickly forced them back. “I’m sorry for hurting you,” she whispered, still wondering why she was doing this to him, to herself. But as she stared at the money he had given her, she forced her thoughts to change. He wouldn’t have given me money and a hotel room if he didn’t want me there. He wants me with him because I’m the only one who knows his secret.  

She stood up, pulling her robe around her and opened the curtains, smiling now at the bright sunshine. She lingered for a moment, watching the activity below on the streets before turning away and gathering up the money Brian had left her. She smiled to herself as she realized there was more than enough for her to get to Paris. She picked up the phone and carried it and the money out onto the small balcony. She sat down in a deck chair and dialed a familiar number. When he answered she smiled happily to herself, thrilled with the plan she had just derived. “Jonathan, good morning! Wanna go to Paris?” 

***

“Bri, what’s wrong?” Nick asked softly, pulling back the curtain to his bunk on the bus and looking at him worriedly. The other guys were asleep, but Nick couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong with Brian. He sat down on the edge of his bed and went on. “You’ve been quiet ever since we left the hotel and, well…I don’t know, you just don’t seem like yourself,” he finished nervously, chewing on his lower lip and looking anywhere but into Brian’s eyes. Brian smiled softly, touched by his best friend’s concern. He took Nick’s hand in his own and waited for Nick to meet his eyes. 

“I’m fine Nicky,” he lied, hating the fact that he couldn’t tell him everything…Mackenzie, his feelings…. He wanted to ask Nick for help, for understanding, for love. But he was too afraid of rejection, even from Nick who he knew, deep in his heart, would never turn him away. But insecurities ruled his thoughts.  

“I’m just tired, that’s all.” Once again, Nick got the feeling that Brian was hiding something from him. That hurt. He trusted Brian, and it hurt to think that Brian didn’t feel the same towards him. “But you’d tell me if something was wrong, right?” Nick asked softly, needing reassurance. Brian nodded. “Yes,” he whispered, unable to look into Nick’s eyes. You’re lying to him right now Brian! He trusts you and all you can do is lie to him! Nick nodded and smiled softly. “Good night Brian,” he whispered and stood up to climb into his own bunk, directly across from his best friend’s.  

“Nick?” Brian called out softly, propping himself up on his elbow and looking up into the blonde’s eyes. “Thank you,” he whispered, watching as Nick discovered exactly what he meant. It was a ‘thank you’ for asking about him, but also a ‘thank you’ for not pushing it. Brian had seen a brief flash of mistrust in his younger friend’s eyes, and that killed him, to lose that complete trust. But he could sense that Nick understood that he wasn’t ready to talk to him yet. And for that he was grateful. 

A few hours later Brian was still wide awake, staring at the ceiling and trying to figure everything out. He was trying desperately to convince himself that he was attracted to females; he knew he was. Mackenzie was gorgeous. Brian loved her curvy body, her silky blonde hair and her smile. But the more he thought about her or any other woman that he had ever found attractive, a strange feeling took hold of him. He loved the way they looked, but not in the way he would like. He thought Mackenzie was beautiful, but he thought sunsets were beautiful too. 

The more he pictured her or any other pretty female for that matter, the more he started to realize that he appreciated their beauty, but they weren’t sexy to him. They weren’t hot, desirable…none of that. Telling himself it was for the sake of argument, he let his thoughts drift to the man he had kissed at the club…Jonathan. As dark as it had been there, he could still remember almost every detail of him. The way his short blonde hair had been spiked, longer strands falling over the shorter ones. His blue eyes and how they had heated after their kiss…that sparkle in them that had made Brian weak. His lips and how soft they were; the way he tasted, and the way it felt to be pressed up against him, in his arms. 

Brian squeezed his eyes shut and stopped his fantasy. He grabbed a pillow and pulled it tightly against himself as he rolled onto his side. He buried his face in the soft fabric to muffle his cries. This was too hard. He didn’t know how to deal with this; he had never expected this. His body shook with his sobs, his tears wetting the pillow. Brian wished more than anything that he could talk to someone about this. He was terribly confused and scared, and he needed reassurance that feeling this way didn’t change whom he was. But who would he tell? He was scared to tell his family. Being gay violated everything he had been taught as a child. If he could just calm down and think about this rationally, he’d admit that his family loved him and wouldn’t reject him over this. Sure, it would be shocking and it might take awhile, but he didn’t doubt their love. 

And what would he tell the guys? He couldn’t let this get out…the media would have a field day. And besides, what would they think? Again…had he been thinking clearly, he’d realize that his friends wouldn’t turn him away for this. But right now all he could think of was rejection, disgust and hatred. He decided to keep his feelings a secret and hope that they would go away. This couldn’t be a permanent thing, could it? He couldn’t be gay. But even as he tried to convince himself of that, he knew it wasn’t true. He was gay and nothing would change that. His mind wouldn’t let go of his fears, his doubts. He tried to pray, but then he started to tell himself that God didn’t hear the prayers of people like him. He had never felt so alone, so utterly lost and scared in his life. 

Too absorbed in his sorrow and his tears, he didn’t hear the small curtain next to his bed being opened. But he jumped in surprise when he felt a warm body lay down next to him and wrap him in loving arms. It took Brian a few seconds to realize that it was Nick. He turned his tear-stained face around to look into his best friend’s eyes. Nick brought a hand to his face and wiped away the tears that still lay there. He smiled softly and smoothed Brian’s messed-up curls.  

“Shh, s’ok Bri,” he whispered, pulling the older man closer. “Nick, I—” “No, it’s ok,” he said softly, settling himself in the small bed they now shared, never relaxing his grip on his best friend. “You don’t have to tell me anything. Just…please stop crying Frick,” he pleaded, his voice trembling. Brian realized then, from his tone of voice, that he must be scaring Nick, acting this way. And the last thing he wanted was to cause the blonde any sort of pain. 

He turned around in Nick’s arms and slid his hands around his younger friend. “I’ll be ok Nicky,” he said softly, looking into his worried blue eyes, unable to resist running his fingers through his blonde hair. “Don’t worry about me Frack, I’ll be fine, I promise,” he repeated. “But I am worried about you!” Nick exclaimed, his eyes wide with worry. “I heard you crying, that’s why I came here. Brian, you sound so…sad. I just want to—” “Shh, Nicky, it’s ok,” Brian said desperately. “I know you want to help me,” he went on softly, needing to make Nick understand. “But there’s really nothing you can do. I need to work through this on my own. But I promise you that if I ever need anything you’ll be the first person I’ll come to,” he said softly, hoping to convey to Nick that he did trust him and that he did appreciate his offer to help. 

The two friends stared into each other’s blue eyes for a few moments, both realizing that from this point on in their relationship, there would always be something between them. Whereas before they had told each other everything, there was a secret now…something they didn’t share. “We’d better get to sleep now,” Nick said softly, looking away. “If we wake up Kevin, he’ll be pissed!” He went on, failing at a small attempt at humor. Brian smiled and nodded. In a movement he was unable to control, Brian nestled his head in Nick’s chest and pulled him close, fitting their bodies together tightly. “Thank you Nick,” he whispered as Nick’s arm tightened around his back. “Thank you for being there for me.” “I’ll always be there for you,” Nick replied as he shut his eyes.  

Brian still didn’t fall asleep for about another hour. He never moved from Nick’s warm embrace, feeling loved and safe there. None of his fears and worried haunted him in Nick’s arms. Just before he fell asleep, his mind finally grasped what his heart had been trying to tell him. And in that moment, the words fell from his lips in a passionate whisper. “I love you Nick.” 

Chapter 9 - Present

“Brian,” a sweet voice called softly. “Bri, come on, wake up,” the voice insisted. Brian moaned softly and turned away, burying his face in his pillow. He didn’t care how sweet the voice was, he wanted to sleep. But the owner of the voice wasn’t giving up so easily. He felt a hand on his shoulder shaking him gently, and the bed shifted under the weight of the new person as he or she sat down.  

Again, Brian refused his would-be waker and yanked the covers over his head hoping whoever it was would just go away. But he heard soft laughter and felt that person slip beneath the covers with him. “Jesus Brian, they all say I’m the sleepy one…now wake up!” When his sleepy mind finally recognized the voice, he gave up his battle to stay asleep and opened his eyes. 

Nick smiled when his best friend finally looked at him. Brian’s heart sped up a little just as it did every time he laid eyes on Nick, and he smiled back. “Nicky, why did you wake me up so early? We have a late sound check today!” Brian whined half-heartedly. Truthfully, any time he spent with Nick was always preferable to anything else, even sleep. “Because,” Nick replied, his smile never faltering. “I have fantastic news!” Brian smiled back at him, wondering what had caused his best-friend’s happy mood. “Uh Bri?” Nick asked. “Do you mind if we have this conversation above the blanket?”  

Brian laughed, only now realizing that they were still both hidden beneath his covers. After they settled themselves on the pillows, still facing each other, neither willing to leave the warmth of Brian’s bed, Brian asked him a question. “Nick, how’d you get into my room?” A curious smile on his face. Nick winked at him and giggled. “I, uh, I stole your bodyguard’s key.” They both laughed. “For shame Nickolas!” Brian exclaimed playfully. “Now,” he went on. “Tell me your wonderful news.” 

“Last night,” Nick began, his voice full of excitement. “AJ and Howie and I went to some random club, which was cool, but that’s not the point,” he rushed on. Brian smiled back at him; Nick’s happiness was contagious. And more importantly, Brian loved seeing him happy. “What matters is the beautiful girl I met!” Nick exclaimed, falling onto his back and sighing dramatically. Brian bit his lip and reminded himself that he needed to be happy for Nick, even if he was hurting inside. Above all, Brian never wanted to do anything to put their friendship in jeopardy.  

“Tell me about her,” Brian said softly, hoping his voice sounded normal. “She’s beautiful Brian,” he said softly, his voice a tiny bit dreamy. Brian lay on his side and watched Nick as he stared up at the ceiling. You’re beautiful Nicky, he thought to himself. “She has the softest blonde hair I’ve ever touched,” Nick went on softly, lost in his memories of the night before. It can’t be softer than yours, Brian thought absently. He told himself to stop thinking that way though. It was doing him no good.  

“And she has these amazing green eyes,” Nick went on, interrupting Brian’s thoughts. “How did you meet her?” Brian asked softly, still watching Nick closely. “I was standing by the bar by myself; AJ and Howie were off dancing with some girls. She just kinda….” Nick turned to face Brian again, smiling shyly now. “She just, well, fell into my arms! She had on a pair of high-heeled dangerous looking sandals. She just kinda tripped and I reached out to catch her and there she was!”  

Brian smiled back at him, an expert by now in hiding his true feelings. But something was bothering him about the whole situation. The way Nick had met this mystery girl seemed very…familiar. “Yes, I’m fine, thanks...I really need to quit wearing these shoes!” He only half listened as Nick went on about the two of them talking and dancing. She just well, fell into my arms! Blonde hair…green eyes… Brian’s heart pounded in his chest. Please let me be wrong… 

“Nicky,” Brian said softly when the younger man had finished babbling. “Hmm?” He asked, turning, once again, to face Brian’s eyes. “What’s her name?” Nick smiled brightly again, giving Brian chills. But he waved it aside; right now all he was concerned with was knowing who it was that Nick had met. “Mackenzie.” 

Oh God no. No, no, no! His mind screamed, even as he kept a smile plastered on his face for Nick. I won’t let you hurt him! The phone suddenly rang shrilly, interrupting both of their thoughts. Brian, relieved to have a few seconds to sort his thoughts and think about what he was going to do, turned over in bed and answered. “Hello?” “So Bri, has Nicky told you all about me yet?” Mack asked sweetly, a devilish tint to her voice. He wanted to scream at her. Tell her to leave him and Nick alone. But he couldn’t, not now, with Nick here. His fingers gripped the phone tightly, his knuckles turning white as he took a deep breath and forced himself to let it go for now.  

“I’m sorry, you have the wrong number,” he said softly, hoping his voice didn’t sound too forced, as he hung up on her. “Who was it?” Nick asked as he sat up. “Wrong number. Someone asking for Frank.” “It was probably a fan…. I better go and get ready a while. You know Kevin will still want us there early, even if sound check isn’t for a few hours.” “Yeah,” Brian answered him absently, still wondering what he was going to do now.  

Nick, too happy to notice his friend’s behavior, told Brian he’d see him in a little while as he got up to leave. “Oh and Brian?” He asked as he turned back towards him at the door. “Yeah Nicky?” “You’ll get to meet her tonight,” he said happily. “I invited her to come backstage at the concert.” Brian forced a smile. “Can’t wait!” 

When Nick left he ran his hands through his hair and took a deep breath. “Why are you doing this to me Mack?” He asked softly. He glanced down at the phone and suddenly got an idea. He picked up the receiver and dialed the front desk. Quickly, with their help, he managed to get the number of the last incoming call to his room. He thanked the desk clerk in a hurry, hung up, and dialed the number. After about eight rings she picked up. 

“Brian?” She asked sweetly. Her tone of voice and the fact that she knew it was him set him off. “Leave him alone Mack!” He said in a cold voice. “Stay the hell away from him or I’ll—” “You’ll what Brian?” She asked angrily. “You won’t do a damn thing!” “Don’t show up tonight. Just leave Mackenzie. I swear to God if I see you backstage I’ll…” “What Brian, huh? What are you going to do?” She asked smugly. Brian swallowed hard and squeezed his eyes shut. “I’ll tell Nick everything about you,” he whispered. She laughed cruelly. “Really? You’re really gonna tell him everything?” She asked, emphasizing the last word. “Are you gonna tell him the reason we broke up?” “What, because of the drugs?” He retorted as he began playing with the cord of the phone.  

“Uh uh baby,” she replied softly. “Are you gonna tell him that you’re gay? That you’ve been lusting after him since he was sixteen?!” “Shut up!” Brian screamed. She laughed. “I’m not worried Bri. You’ll never tell anyone your precious secret.” “I will!” He threatened. “If I have to I’ll do it. I’ll do anything to keep you away from him…I won’t let you hurt him!”  

“And why would you automatically assume that I would hurt him?” She asked shortly. “Because you hurt me,” he replied, already losing this battle with her. “I helped you see who you really are. I didn’t—” “You’ve never helped me do anything!” He yelled, his voice shaking. “Just leave me alone and stay the hell away from Nick!” He slammed down the phone and dropped his head into his hands.  

Oh God, I can’t let her hurt Nick…not when I know what she’s like, what she’s capable of doing. She’ll break his heart! But the prospect of telling Nick everything…all about him and Mack, and everything that had happened between them…of telling him he was gay…. He didn’t know if he could do it.  

***

Brian stared out the window at the passing landscape as they drove from their hotel to the venue. Nick had been talking non-stop about Mackenzie the entire way there. Nick was always this way every time he found a girl who fascinated him. Of course, with Nick, the fascination never lasted long. His longest relationship had only lasted four months. He fell in love quickly and oftentimes deeply, but the ‘love’ never lasted. Brian knew that Nick was content with these types of relationships…for now. He had once confided to his best friend after the break up of his four-month-long love that someday he wanted more. He wanted someone to be with forever, but for now, he was quite content to skip along from person to person.  

Brian liked that…he knew when Nick truly fell in love, found someone to spend forever with; his broken heart would most likely never heal. But at the same time, he wanted Nick to be happy. Nick deserved someone to love him forever, someone to always be there. And as much as Brian wanted that person to be him, he knew that could never happen. 

Although his mind still held firmly to the memory of Nick kissing his neck, holding him…and ultimately moaning his name. Why? Brian still wondered about that, wanted to know what had made his name slip from Nick’s lips in such an impassioned whisper.  

Brian took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair. He had to stop thinking about it. Whatever the reason, he forced himself to let it go and realize that it was nothing. Right now he had to concentrate on the present situation. He could tell by the look in Nick’s eyes and the way he was talking that he was already dangerously close to falling for Mackenzie. Brian couldn’t let that happen…she’d only hurt him.  

He glanced at Nick briefly and couldn’t help smiling. He was babbling on and on about her to Kevin and Howie, both of who watched him with bemused smiles. Brian could tell that it didn’t really matter if anyone was truly listening, Nick just wanted to talk. He wondered why AJ was so withdrawn and quiet though. Usually the younger man would be laughing at Nick and teasing him about his new ‘girlfriend.’ But he’d said as little as Brian had for the entire van ride.  

Although Kevin, Howie and AJ had seen her last night, Nick was still anxious to introduce her…especially to his best friend. As they walked inside Nick draped his arm around Brian’s shoulders, still talking about how excited he was for Brian to meet her. Normally, Brian would be focusing on the feel of Nick’s arm around him and trying, unsuccessfully to not let it affect him. But all he could think about right now was Mackenzie and what he was going to do when he saw her.  

He wanted to make sure that Nick did not get hurt, but he knew that the only way to truly keep her away from him was to tell Nick the truth. Tell him about his and Mack’s relationship…. The problem was he knew it wouldn’t end there. Nick would want to know more. Why he and Mack had broken up, why he had never told anyone about her…and Brian knew if he didn’t answer those questions, Mackenzie would. 

And although he knew the truth was his only true way to keep his friend from getting hurt, the thought of revealing all of his secrets terrified him. That ungrounded fear of rejection, of hatred from the one he loved most had been building since Nick had told him about Mackenzie this morning. He didn’t know if he could do it. He shuddered as he went about pulling his first outfit on.  

How true is my love if I’d rather protect my secret than protect Nick? A cynical voice whispered in his head. He took a deep breath and stared at himself at the mirror. Behind him was a bustle of activity, his four friends getting dressed and talking, but he was lost in his own reflection. That same cynical voice whispered again that if he truly loved Nick as much as he claimed to, he’d be more worried about helping him than about making sure no one found out that he was gay. 

How true is your love? He asked himself cruelly. He shook his head and refused to listen. If he started to doubt his love for Nick then he’d start to crumble. No matter how unrequited or how painful that love may be, it had been the one constant thing in his life for the past seven years. Brian vowed, then and there, that if she messed up, if she hurt Nick in anyway, he’d tell him everything. 

***

When he turned around again, he noticed that Nick was no longer in the room. “Where’s Nick?” He asked Kevin as he took a drink of water. “His new girl is here,” Kevin replied, double-checking to make sure his outfit was on perfectly. “He went to meet her and bring her back to meet us.” Brian only nodded in response and turned away, making his final decision as to what he should do.  

Again, he noticed AJ sitting down, sipping on some water and staring straight ahead. Brian thought it was odd. AJ was usually bouncing off the walls with nerves and anticipation before a concert. He didn’t think about it for long though because when he looked away from AJ and back to the door, he nearly fainted. He had known he would have to face her, but the actual sight of her, here, with Nick’s arm wrapped around her was still quite a shock. 

Had he been able to focus on anything but Mackenzie, he would’ve noticed that AJ wore a similar _expression to his own. Nick introduced her to each of them, smiling brightly all the while. “And this,” he said happily as he came to Brian. “Is my best friend Brian.” Brian smiled, knowing all the while that the smile had to be one of the fakest he’d ever shown. He shook her hand, his eyes burning into hers all the while. She smiled brightly at him, her _expression taunting him…almost daring him to speak up, to tell the truth. 

Fortunately, they didn’t have much time to spend with her. Brian left quickly, afraid that if he stayed too long, he might end up trying to kill her. But most thoughts of Mackenzie and what she was doing were swept away once they started performing. Brian glimpsed her in the crowd only once, her devilish smile causing him to pause for a second before moving on. He ignored any further attempt she made to grab his attention for the rest of the concert.  

When they had left their adoring fans behind, however, he was afraid to see her again. And as soon as he did, he wished he hadn’t. He had never thought he’d hate someone as much as he hated her right now. She was kissing Nick. His Mackenzie was kissing his Nick. Images of ripping her away and strangling her ran through his head. 

“Brian…Brian?” He jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder and roused himself from his thoughts. He turned to find a very nervous-looking AJ standing next to him. For the time being, he managed to put his anger and jealousy on hold to focus on his friend. “What’s wrong J?” He asked as soon as he realized something was definitely upsetting AJ. He could see it in his eyes. 

“Um…I…Brian, I need to talk to you,” he said nervously, his eyes darting around as he rocked back and forth on his feet. “But not here,” he rushed on. “Meet me in my room when we get back to the hotel, please?” Brian nodded. “Sure J,” he said softly, his voice full of concern.  

But before he could say anything else, AJ had turned away and was babbling to Howie about something as they made their way back to a van. The five of them usually left in separate vans, although they had all traveled in the same one on the way to the concert. Just then, Nick and Mackenzie walked past him, arms around each other, and he was hit with another wave of anger and jealousy.  

“Bri, you riding back with us?” Nick asked, turning away from Mack to smile at his best friend. Brian shook his head and quickly tried to come up with an excuse. “Uh, no Nicky, Kevin wanted to talk to me about something,” he lied, shrugging his shoulders in an attempt to show that he had no idea what. “Ok, cool, I’ll see ya back at the hotel then!” Without another word, he turned around, slipped his arm around Mackenzie and left Brian behind. 

***

“Not riding with Nick?” Kevin asked, smiling at his cousin as he joined him in the van. Brian shook his head. “He’s with Mackenzie.” Kevin watched with a frown as Brian slid into his seat and turned to look out the window. He seemed upset but Kevin had no idea why. And he could tell that his younger cousin didn’t want to talk about whatever it was that was bothering him. The two of them rode in silence back to the hotel. Brian worried about Nick; Kevin worried about Brian. 

Brian was grateful that his and Kevin’s van got back to the hotel before Nick’s. He didn’t think he could take seeing his best friend with Mack again right now. Quickly, he went up to his room, took a shower and changed. When he was done, he met AJ in his room, curious as to what his friend wanted to talk about. 

“Hey Bri,” AJ said as he opened his door and let him in. Immediately, Brian could tell that something was definitely bothering his younger friend. He wondered why AJ had chosen him to talk to. He usually went to Howie or Kevin with his problems. Not that he and AJ weren’t close, it just seemed that AJ was always more comfortable talking with either of them.  

“What’s the matter J?” Brian asked softly as he sat down on the edge of the bed. AJ was pacing nervously, running his hands through his hair and up and down his arms. “I don’t know what I should do Bri,” AJ started, his voice clearly showing that he was distressed. “I don’t know if I should tell him or not.” Brian reached out and grabbed AJ’s hand to stop him from pacing any longer. “Aje, sit down and start at the beginning, ok?” AJ nodded and sat down next to Brian, his fingers immediately playing with and tugging at the hem of his shirt.  

“It’s Nick’s girlfriend…Mackenzie…I know her,” he said quietly, his eyes looking worriedly into Brian’s. To say the least, Brian was shocked, but he hid it quickly, replacing the look with a more questioning one. “At least I think I do. That’s why I wanted to talk to you and not D or Kev, I…you’re his best friend and I…I don’t know what to do,” AJ said softly.  

“How do you know her?” Brian asked, hoping his voice wasn’t trembling. AJ looked away from Brian’s eyes. “I slept with her once…it was about a year ago. Last night, when I saw her with Nick, I thought she looked familiar, but I wasn’t sure. But then, I figured it out. I remembered.” He stopped for a second and shut his eyes. Brian bit his lip at AJ’s appearance, hating the fact that Mackenzie had managed to cause him pain as well. He could see how upset his younger friend was over this. He placed his hand on top of AJ’s and waited for him to open his eyes. 

“It happened one night after a party. I was drunk…fuck that, I think I was high…but, well, that’s why I didn’t remember her right away. Anyway…Bri, I don’t know what to do. I mean, should I tell him? I don’t want him to get hurt, all the while knowing that I might have prevented it.” Brian knew that feeling well. “But I don’t want to overreact either. She doesn’t even seem like the typical groupie out to fuck the five of us, but…I just…what do you think?” He looked up hopefully, needing Brian to have the right answer.  

But Brian didn’t really know what to do. Again, he found himself worried about himself and protecting his own secrets. He cursed himself for being so selfish. On one hand, he knew this was the perfect way to get rid of her, but on the other, Brian knew she’d probably retaliate and tell everyone that she knew him as well. And that brought him right back to where he started…terrified of rejection from the ones he loved most. 

“I mean, I could even be wrong Bri,” AJ rattled on, unable to keep quiet while he was so upset. “As you know I wasn’t in the best condition then…hell, I was awful…she could be someone completely different.” Brian could see that in addition to his current predicament, AJ was again, regressing back to his guilt over his past. “Hey…AJ? Look at me,” Brian asked softly, reaching out to squeeze AJ’s hand with his own. He smiled softly when the younger man met his eyes.  

“I can’t tell you what to do here,” Brian said softly, hoping he was doing the right thing. “I don’t want Nick to get hurt either, but maybe he needs to find out for himself if she’s really who she says she is. And--” “And I don’t wanna base it all on something I’m not even sure of,” AJ interrupted. “But I’m gonna keep a close eye on her,” he went on. “If she does something shady…something that doesn’t seem right, I’ll tell Nick,” AJ said firmly, determined to keep his younger friend from getting hurt. “Do you think that’s the right thing to do?” He asked, still a tad unsure.  

Brian smiled and nodded. “I think so,” he said slowly, still contemplating if he should tell AJ to tell Nick now to force Mack to leave. “I’ll do the same thing,” he went on softly. “If something looks bad, I’ll let you know.” AJ smiled and impulsively reached out to hug Brian. “Thanks Bri, I knew you’d help,” he said softly. Brian squeezed his eyes shut and returned his friend’s embrace. What, he wondered, would AJ think, if he told him that he too, knew Mackenzie? 

***

When he got back to his room, he shut the door behind him and instantly jumped in surprise. There she was, the source of his heartache, sitting on his bed, smiling at him. He didn’t smile back. “What are you doing here Mack?” He asked angrily. “If Nick finds you here, he’ll--” “Think his best friend betrayed him?” She asked, smirking. “Haven’t you already done that? I mean, wouldn’t he be crushed to find out you never trusted him enough to tell him that you’re gay?” She asked, her voice bittersweet.  

“I do trust him…I’m just not ready to tell him or anyone,” Brian protested. She only smiled and nodded. “Whatever you say Brian,” she said sarcastically, standing up to join him. “So where were you anyway? I told Nick that I was tired and wanted to go home to sleep. I came here looking for you…and you were gone. Find someone at your concert that caught your eye?” She teased. “Didya make out with him?”  

“Stop it!” He hissed, his eyes flashing with anger as he turned to face her. “I was in AJ’s room. He was upset because he remembered something when he saw you. Is it your goal to sleep with Kevin and Howie too?” He asked cruelly. For a second she was shocked. She had never thought AJ would remember her. He had been so high that night…the two of them had just done a good amount of coke. But now that Brian mentioned it, he had been looking at her a little strangely when Nick had introduced them. 

“No,” she finally replied, hating the fact that Brian had been able to shock her, to tell her something she hadn’t been expecting. “Is he gonna tell Nick?” She asked, somewhat concerned that this would ruin her plans. Brian shook his head. “No, but he’ll be watching you. One mistake and he will.” “I’ll bet you did your best to convince him not to, right?” She asked coyly after a few seconds. 

“What do you mean?” Brian asked, turning again to face her. “Well, I never thought you were stupid Bri,” she started, reaching out to trail her hand down his arm. Irritated, he brushed her away and waited for her to continue. “I’m sure you realized that had AJ told Nick that he had slept with me, I would’ve told Nick I not only knew AJ, I knew you too. Wouldn’t that have been a fun scene?” She asked, smiling devilishly. 

“Betrayed AJ as well as your precious Nick. Lied to both of them,” she shook her head, feigning shock. “What kind of friend are you anyway Brian?” “Get out,” he replied, grabbing her upper arm and pulling her towards the door. She laughed. “Better be careful…Nick might be out there! Wouldn’t want him to see you throwing me out of your room, now would ya?”  

He stopped next to the door and let go of her arm. “Why do you hate me so much?” He asked suddenly, hoping to catch her off guard. He did. She stared at him for a moment, unable to answer, her heart aching. “I…I don’t hate you,” she replied, her voice quivering slightly. He laughed and walked away from her. Quickly, before she could stop him, he located and picked up her purse and shoved it into her arms. “Yes you do,” he replied confidently, leading a bewildered Mackenzie back to his door. He opened it slowly and looked into the hallway, making sure it was empty. Seeing that it was, he grabbed her arm again and pushed her out. “I just don’t know why,” he finished and shut the door. 

For the first time in years she was unable to hold back her tears. In fact the last time she remembered crying was when he had left her. “I don’t hate you,” she whispered softly, wiping her eyes and quickly turning away from his door so no one would see her. “I love you…that’s why I’m doing this.”  

Chapter 10 – Past

“I’m taking this bed,” Nick exclaimed happily as he flung himself down on the bed nearest the window. “Any reason?” Brian asked, watching Nick with a smile. “So I can look out the window and see the Eiffel Tower!” Nick replied matter-of-factly. Brian rolled his eyes. “You’re such a nerd,” he teased. “Shut up dork!” Nick replied, sitting up and smiling at Brian. “You’re just jealous,” Nick said smugly, crossing his arms and proceeding to look like a spoiled child. Brian laughed. “Oh yeah, totally jealous,” he said sarcastically. 

He turned around and opened his suitcase, searching for his toothbrush, when suddenly he was pulled to the ground by a pair of gangly arms. Both he and Nick started giggling loudly as they wrestled each other, rolling around on the floor, arms and legs flailing and tangling.  

“Oh my God, do you two ever stop?!” Kevin exclaimed as he opened their door, not surprised at all to see the two of them wrestling. He smiled as they broke apart, gasping for breath and still laughing. Sometimes the two of them got on every nerve he had. They could act so childish at very inappropriate times. But then there were times like this when it didn’t matter and he was just happy to see them happy. Especially Brian…. 

Lately, he had noticed something going on with his cousin. He was too quiet, withdrawn even at times. And that was so unlike Brian. Kevin wondered if he should talk to Nick about it, because if anyone knew what was going on with Brian, it would be his best friend. But, then again, he didn’t want to seem over protective. And Kevin trusted Nick, despite his young age to be able to help Brian. He knew Nick would come to him if something were seriously wrong with Brian.  

“Something you wanted Kev?” Nick asked, still pinning Brian to the floor. Kevin laughed and shook his head. “Not really, just wanted to let you know that we don’t have any real plans for dinner or anything, so you guys are on your own…if you don’t kill each other first that is.” With a smile he turned and left, shutting the door behind him.  

“You want something French to eat, right Bri?” Nick asked playfully. “Something you can’t pronounce?” He went on, giggling when Brian tried to escape his grasp. He didn’t expect him to be able to and was therefore surprised when Brian rolled them over and pinned Nick down, sitting on his waist. “We’re getting pizza,” Brian said decidedly, laughing at Nick’s struggle with him. A few seconds later, he smiled and got up, preparing to call room service to bring up some sort of pizza.  

“Bri?” Nick asked before he could pick up the phone, his voice sounding small and a little desperate. Brian looked over to where Nick still sat on the floor and was instantly concerned. Nick looked forlorn and lonely. “What’s wrong Nicky?” He asked softly, getting up to rejoin his friend on the carpet. Nick ran his hands through his hair, pushing it off his face and looked up at his older friend. “Will you stay here tonight? I know that AJ, Kev and Howie had said something about going out later, but I don’t feel like it, and I just…I didn’t want to be alone….” He trailed off, sounding embarrassed and unsure.  

Brian smiled. He reached out and put his hand on Nick’s shoulder. “I don’t feel like going out either,” he said softly. “We can stay here all night, watch movies, eat, play video games. Whatever you want,” he said, smiling when Nick’s face lit up. “Thanks Bri,” he replied softly. 

“Tell you what Nicky,” he went on as he stood up. “I’ll go talk to Kevin and figure out how to get us some pizza. You stay here and pick out some games for us, ok?” Nick smiled happily and nodded. Lately, Brian had been going out more than usual at night and Nick missed him. More than anything, he loved spending time with his best friend like this. Brian missed him too. He knew he had to go and make sure Mackenzie had made it to Paris ok, but he didn’t want to spend his evening with her. Not tonight…he was going to have Nick all to himself. 

***

“Jon, you gotta hide in the bathroom or something,” Mackenzie whispered as she peeked out of her door. “I don’t want Brian to know you’re here yet…he’d flip.” Jonathan smiled and rolled his eyes as he walked into the bathroom. He wondered again why she had brought him to Paris with her. He could guess that it had something to do with Brian and his confusion over his sexuality, but he still wasn’t exactly sure what she needed him for.  

“Hey baby,” Mackenzie purred as she let Brian into her room, instantly wrapping her arms around his waist and kissing him. He responded briefly but pulled away after a few seconds. Besides the fact that he was here to tell her he wouldn’t be doing anything with her tonight, he was also still upset with her for how she’d set him up. For a brief second the memory of that kiss with Jonathan was overwhelmingly strong. He could swear that he smelled his cologne…now, here.  

Quickly, he pushed those thoughts aside. “Mack, I just wanted to let you know that I’m staying in tonight. I promised Nick…” She smiled knowingly and kissed him lightly. “It’s ok baby, I’m gonna meet up with some old friends tonight,” she said smiling. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow then?” She asked. He nodded. “Yeah…after our concert.” She gave him another quick kiss and led him to the door. “I’ll see ya then Bri.”  

He stood, bewildered, outside of her door and ran his hands through his hair. That had been too easy. She hadn’t tried to convince him to come out with her; she hadn’t made any snide comments about him staying in with Nick…. An uneasy feeling settled over Brian. She was up to something. He was sure of it. 

But he put all thoughts of Mackenzie out of his mind as soon as he went back to his and Nick’s room. He realized just how much he had missed nights like these. Lately, he had been so completely caught up in his secrets that he hadn’t been able to relax. But he let it all go for the night. The two of them ate pizza, played video games and watched movies. One of the many ‘Halloween’ movies was on pay per view and so they watched that one at Nick’s request. Nick, of course, jumped every time Michael Myers struck and eventually Brian found himself wrapped up in frightened teenager. Which he, of course, didn’t mind at all. Nor did he mind Nick’s uneasy request that they sleep in the same bed.  

He propped himself up on his elbow and watched Nick sleep for the longest time, running his fingers through his soft blonde hair. The younger man slept soundly, one arm securely around Brian’s waist to prevent him from leaving. Not that Brian would…there was nowhere else he’d rather be. 

***

True to his word, Brian met Mackenzie in her hotel room the following night after the concert. He had thought about what she’d done to him and had finally decided to give her another chance. He did care about her, and having a girlfriend helped him to convince himself that he might not be gay after all. 

“You wanna go out tonight?” She asked sweetly as she finished fixing her hair and makeup. He sat on her bed, watching her, wondering again, why he thought he smelled cologne in the air. Cologne and cigarettes…. 

Part of him wanted to stay in…stay in with Nick actually. But the more he thought about it, the more he convinced himself to go out with her. Mackenzie could see his brief inner struggle and knew she had won when he stood up, wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her shoulder. She sighed happily and leaned back into his embrace. Softly, he kissed her neck and cheek, taking in her sweet scent.  

“Where we going?” He asked softly, still trying to convince himself that it felt better to have her wrapped in his arms rather than some guy. “Nowhere special,” she replied. “A few of my old friends know some place fun.” 

He came back to her room about a half hour later, changed and ready to go. As they took a cab to whatever club she had discovered, a strange feeling settled over Brian. He suddenly got the feeling that something bad was going to happen, something drastic. He hoped to God he was wrong. He really couldn’t stand any more heartache right now. 

Mackenzie too, was a tad bit nervous about the evening before them. Over and over again she had to remind herself that this was best. He needed this, needed to discover his sexuality. She wondered when she had become so masochistic. Brian would most likely figure out everything she was going to do and then what? She was sure that he would leave her. Worse…he’d probably hate her. But as much as those thoughts haunted her, she forced herself to go through with it…even though all of her well-thought-out reasons seemed to elude her. 

Just before they went in she grabbed Brian’s arm and turned him to face her. She didn’t know how to tell him that she loved him. She couldn’t say it out loud and she knew he didn’t feel the same way. Instead she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him softly. He smiled at her when they broke apart. His eyes seeming to tell her that he knew her feelings and that he understood. Taking her hand in his, he led her into the club. 

***

 

 Mackenzie waited until she’d managed to get Brian to drink two Long Island Iced Teas before dragging him out onto the dance floor. And even then, she made sure he had another drink with him. They danced together for about an hour. Brian enjoying the fact that at least for a little while, he could forget his troubles, Mackenzie enjoying what she knew would probably be the last night she spent with him.  

As songs continued to fade into one another Brian finally broke away and told Mack that he was going to the bathroom and would be right back. Perfect, she thought, leaving immediately after him to get another drink. Sticking with strong, she ordered him another Long Island and quickly scanned the nearby crowd for Jonathan. She had seen him when they had first entered the club, but had made sure to keep Brian away from him until she was ready. 

“Mack, are you sure we should do this?” He asked uneasily when she had found him and pulled him over to the bar. She only nodded and took the small plastic bag from his hand. But before she could open it Jonathan grabbed her wrist. “Mackenzie…do you really want to do this to him?” He asked seriously, looking into her troubled eyes. Jonathan could see that she was nervous and very unsure about her plan. But he also saw determination…stubbornness. He knew her well enough to know that she wouldn’t back down now, no matter how loudly her conscience cried against it. “I’m sure,” she finally snapped, pulling her wrist away from him. 

Not too much… Carefully, she broke up the small pills and sprinkled them into Brian’s drink. After much thought, she had finally settled on Ecstasy. But she didn’t use too much…. She didn’t want to harm him, only make him see things differently. With just enough time to spare she shoved the half empty bag into her purse, gave Jon the key to her hotel room and told him to wait close by.  

“Hey baby, is that mine?” Brian asked, taking the drink out of her hand. She swallowed hard and nodded, fighting an internal battle with herself to knock the cup out of his hand. He finished the entire thing rather quickly, smiled at her and pulled her back out to the dance floor. 

It didn’t take long. He was already tipsy from the alcohol and she knew that he had never taken drugs of any sort before. She could tell exactly when he started to feel it. His eyes were glazed-over, shining a little too brightly. Brian didn’t know what it was, but suddenly he felt completely free, like nothing mattered. Everything was shining and the night was his. He didn’t think much of it…figured he had probably drunk a little bit more than usual. Mackenzie could tell that he had no idea why he was feeling the way he was. 

Jonathan knew exactly when to join them. The only problem was, he didn’t know if he wanted to. He wasn’t sure he wanted to play out his part in this scheme any longer. Mackenzie had told him Brian’s entire situation and although he couldn’t deny being incredibly attracted to him, he didn’t want to hurt Brian. But after watching him for several minutes, his desire outweighed his concern. I’ve already done the damage, he thought to himself, trying to justify his actions. I already gave her the E to give him…I might as well go all the way. 

Just like the first time…he slid his arms around Brian’s waist, pulling him back into his embrace. This time Brian was willing, eager. Mack felt his grip on her loosen. He shut his eyes and pulled away, leaning back into Jonathan. Mackenzie let him go, knowing that this had been her intention, her plan but…she had never let herself think that it would be this difficult. Silently, she slipped off of the dance floor to an empty stool at the bar. Perched there with a drink in her hand, she watched as her friend began his seduction of the only man she had ever loved…a distinct coldness settling all around her heart. 

His entire body was tingling…he felt like he was floating. He had no idea why, but he knew that he never wanted this feeling to stop. For the first time in a while he felt free again, his heartache gone. He slid his arms behind him and grasped lightly to Jonathan’s hips. Jonathan eagerly pressed his body into Brian’s and slipped his fingers beneath his shirt. He teased him briefly, amazed at the softness of his skin. Unable to wait any longer, he forced Brian to turn around. For a second recognition and surprise flashed in his eyes, but it was gone as soon as it appeared. Jon knew that because of the Ecstasy, Brian’s brain just didn’t care even if he did recognize him. 

Boldly, yet still with a touch of nerves, Brian ran his hands up Jonathan’s bare arms, not stopping until they were behind his neck. Jonathan swallowed hard as he looked down into Brian’s sparkling blue eyes. If he wasn’t careful he was going to find himself seduced before he had a chance to do the very same thing to Brian. Jon pulled him closer and ran his hands over Brian’s spine. He let them rest on the small of his back, gripping onto him tightly. Brian eagerly pulled him down, sighing softly in relief as their mouths finally met. He was overcome with sensations as they kissed, melting into Jonathan as their arms wrapped all around each other. Their tongues met eagerly, touching and tasting. 

Brian shivered in pleasure, the kiss almost familiar, yet at the same time brand new. His mind and heart were racing, feelings and images passing through him with lighting speed. Last time…his first kiss from a guy, the same body, same sweet taste…Nick…his best friend’s comforting embrace…Does he taste as sweet as this? His thoughts jumbled and mixed in his head until he couldn’t even recall where he was or whom he was with.  

He felt Jonathan’s lips on his neck, his tongue licking at his skin, his breath heating his blood. Brian pulled back slightly and looked into the other man’s eyes. Even as he blushed, Brian boldly pulled their hips together, letting each of them know just how aroused they had become from their kisses. Jonathan felt his stomach tighten as he looked into Brian’s deep blue eyes. The way Brian looked…the way he attempted to take things further, even though he was obviously so shy. God, I wish all of this were real, Jonathan thought painfully. I wish you knew what you were doing.... But at the same time, he knew that he never would’ve gotten this far if it hadn’t been for the drugs. 

“Brian,” he whispered, running his fingers through his soft curls as he planted kisses all over his face. “Let’s leave baby,” Jonathan prompted softly, his hands stroking and massaging the back of Brian’s neck. Brian nodded and opened his eyes, a dreamy _expression there. He couldn’t clear his head, couldn’t stop himself from taking the other man’s hand and leaving the club. Somewhere, far away, someone was calling his name, screaming his name, telling him to stop. He glanced around as he wrapped his arm around Jonathan’s waist, looking for someone trying to stop him. But no one was paying them any attention. 

Jonathan hailed a cab. Brian giggled and pressed his lips to Jon’s neck, squeezing his waist as he did. Jonathan smiled at him, took his hand and pulled him into the cab as soon as it arrived. “I don’t know…your name,” Brian whispered, smiling and still giggling as he snuggled into the other man’s protective embrace. Jonathan squeezed his eyes shut and held Brian tighter. He doesn’t remember me… “Jon,” he replied softly. Brian looked up at him, confusion briefly set in his eyes. But it passed quickly and Brian leaned upwards for a sweet kiss. 

When they reached the hotel, Jonathan pulled Brian along quickly, making sure to be as discreet as possible. Once they had made it into the elevator, he pressed Brian up against the wall of it and kissed him deeply. He couldn’t believe how quickly he was becoming used to…addicted to the taste of him. Brian’s hands found their way to Jonathan’s waist. He grabbed him and pulled him closer as they continued to kiss. Breathlessly, the two of them broke apart just as the elevator doors opened. Jon hastily took Brian’s hand in his own and led him to Mackenzie’s room. 

Brian’s heart beat wildly in his chest as he walked down the hall towards Jonathan’s room. Again, he heard that same voice he had heard as they had been leaving the club. It sounded so close. He glanced over his shoulder and saw no one, but the voice continued. It was jumbled…pleading with him to stop, to leave now and not go into Jonathan’s hotel room. Brian frowned as Jon unlocked his door. The voice sounded suspiciously like his own. But then Jon turned around and smiled at him and he found himself lost in those gorgeous blue eyes. 

The blonde pulled Brian into the room and quickly shut the door. He wasted no time wrapping Brian in his arms. He let one hand rest on his lower back, the other lightly traveling up his spine, stopping at the back of his neck. His fingers brushed Brian’s soft, silky curls before moving to his cheek. Shyly, Brian slid his arms around Jonathan’s waist, blushing all the while. When he looked up into Jon’s eyes again, he relaxed slightly, seeing only kindness there. 

Jonathan smiled softly and cupped Brian’s face in his hands. “You’re beautiful Brian,” he whispered, his voice sincere. Brian blushed harder and looked down. As Jonathan leaned closer he felt Brian tighten his grip on his waist. Their eyes met for a brief second before Jonathan pressed his lips to Brian’s. He kissed him softly for a while before attempting to go further. He knew that all of this was still brand new to Brian and he didn’t want to rush him. 

But you had no problem giving him drugs and then seducing him? His conscience asked cruelly. He knew, very well, that Brian still didn’t even truly realize what he was doing. Do you really want to face him when he wakes up in the morning next to you and remembers nothing? But all he could do was follow as Brian started pulling him towards the bed. 

Brian’s head was spinning, his body warm with desire. But everything was moving too fast. He moaned inadvertently and pressed his hand to the back of Jonathan’s head as the blonde began sucking and licking at the skin on his neck. By now Brian was lying on his back with his arms around Jonathan, who lay partially on top of him. Brian knew, somewhere in his mind, that he should push him away when he started unbuttoning his shirt, but instead, he watched helplessly as his own fingers slid up Jonathan’s stomach and started tugging at the buttons on his shirt.  

When they had both shed their shirts, Jonathan pulled Brian against himself tightly and kissed him again. Brian moaned softly at the feel of his skin on Jonathan’s. Jon kissed him relentlessly, touching and tasting every corner of Brian’s warm mouth with his tongue. Neither of them could catch their breath. Brian’s head fell back when Jonathan once again began sucking on his neck and ear. He would’ve fallen down onto his back again if Jon’s strong arms hadn’t been supporting him, wrapped tightly around his back. 

Everything felt so good…he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, couldn’t stop. But something wasn’t right. His head was suddenly realizing what was happening. That voice that had been continuously telling him to stop since they had left the club was louder now, clearer…and Brian finally recognized the voice as his own. 

“Jonathan,” he whispered, barely able to speak. “Please…” he begged, tears of confusion and fear welling in his eyes. “Jon…please…stop,” he pleaded, his voice quivering. He couldn’t seem to find the strength to push the other man away. But when Jonathan heard the tremble in his voice, he stopped his exploration of Brian’s neck and looked up into his eyes. Reluctantly, but knowing he had no other choice, Jonathan climbed off of him and let go. He sat next to Brian in bed and watched as he scrambled to sit up, inching backwards until he was against the headboard. His eyes darted around in fear and confusion, trying desperately to come up with an explanation on how he’d got here. And then when he realized that he was shirtless he looked around frantically. Jonathan quickly retrieved Brian’s shirt from the floor and handed it to him. But Brian had forgotten what he had been looking for by then. His eyes stared hard at something on the small table next to the bed that Jonathan couldn’t see. But he watched silently as Brian climbed out of bed and grabbed a small necklace off of the table. 

“This is Mackenzie’s room,” Brian said softly, his back to Jonathan. Jon swallowed hard and waited for Brian to say something else. Brian turned around slowly and dropped the necklace back on the table. He had given it to her a few months ago and had recognized it as soon as he had laid eyes on it. “She…you both set this up didn’t you?” He asked coldly as he walked slowly towards Jonathan. “How did you get…me…here?” He asked slowly, taking deep breaths between his words. He suddenly felt dizzy and nauseous. He reached out for something steady himself with but came up with nothing but air. 

Jonathan could see that he was going to be sick, the combination of alcohol, Ecstasy and anxiety finally catching up with him. Before he fell Jonathan grabbed him and quickly pulled him into the bathroom. Trying to ease his own conscience as well as Brian, Jonathan sat on the edge of the tub and gently rubbed Brian’s back as he kneeled in front of the toilet and threw up. After several minutes, Brian collapsed on the floor and leaned back against the bathtub. Jonathan sank down to the floor next to him and continued to gently rub his shoulders, stopping only to reach up for a tissue, which he gave to Brian. 

“Please tell me…what happened,” Brian asked softly, unconsciously leaning against Jonathan. “I’ll tell you everything,” Jon whispered. “But let me take you back into the other room first ok? You wanna lie down?” He asked softly. Brian nodded but didn’t move. Carefully, Jonathan wrapped his arms around the smaller man and helped him to his feet. He practically carried him back into the other room and laid him down on the bed. Quickly, he retrieved a glass of water for him, which Brian drank very little of. Jon sat down on the edge of the bed and looked into Brian’s sad eyes. 

“I’m sorry Brian,” he began softly. “Sorry for everything I helped her do to you. And my head kept telling me all night that what I was doing was wrong, but I ignored it…I shouldn’t have let her do this to you…any of it.” Brian listened anxiously, his face still pale from being sick, and his eyes still full of confusion and fear. 

Jonathan told him everything that had happened, starting with the first kiss the two of them had shared up until now. “If I hadn’t…snapped out of it…would you have…stopped?” Brian asked softly, his voice trembling. Jonathan looked into his eyes and ran his hands through his hair. He didn’t know how to answer Brian. On one hand, he didn’t think he could see himself sleeping with Brian, knowing that he was high on E and had no idea what he was doing…and especially knowing full well that Brian had never even kissed another guy, let alone had sex with any. But then there was this strong, powerful attraction he felt for the younger man. No, not even attraction…connection. He wanted to take care of him, teach him things, show him things no one ever had…. He stopped his fantasy and focused on Brian again. 

“Yes…” he replied softly, not wanting to upset Brian further than he already was. “I wouldn’t have…taken advantage of you that way.” “Why is she doing this to me?” Brian asked quietly, his voice small and scared. “Why does she hate me? What did I do wrong Jonathan?” He was crying now. “I didn’t want these feelings!” He cried, his tear filled eyes looking deeply into the other man’s now. “I don’t want to feel this way…I can’t feel this way, I just…they won’t go away,” he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut as tears slid down his cheeks. 

Jon didn’t care if Brian was uneasy around him now or not, he couldn’t let him suffer this way…especially since a big part of it was his fault. He leaned closer and wrapped Brian in his arms. To Jon’s surprise, he didn’t put up a fight; he collapsed and weakly wound his arms around the blonde’s back. “Please let me stay here tonight,” Brian begged softly, nestling his head on Jon’s shoulder. Jonathan squeezed him tighter. “Of course,” he replied.  

They lay down next to each other, Jonathan keeping a tight, protective hold on Brian, trying to comfort him as best he could. “She won’t come back yet, will she?” Brian asked uneasily, nowhere near ready to face Mackenzie yet. “No, she gave me her key…so she can’t get in until I call her and tell her to come back.”  

Brian fell asleep soon after, still heartbroken and frightened about everything that had taken place this evening. But another thought was just as strong. Nick. He pictured Nick sleeping. Saw his youthful face asleep on his pillow, hair messed, mouth open slightly. Brian squeezed his eyes shut and bit his lip. Nicky, I’m so sorry.... He nestled closer to Jonathan, all the while knowing that he wanted his warm body to be Nick’s. 

***

Jonathan awoke to a ringing phone, quickly rousing himself from sleep to answer it, not wanting to wake Brian quite yet. It was, as he had expected, Mackenzie. “So?!” She asked expectantly as soon as he said hello. “How was it?” She asked coyly. Jonathan could almost see the devilish smirk on her lips. He looked over at Brian, watching his peaceful face as he slept.  

“Nothing happened Mack,” he said softly. “The E wore off…he got scared and so I stopped.” The line was silent for quite some time. “Where is he now?” She finally asked, her tone of voice much less enthusiastic. “He’s here now…sleeping.” “Jonathan…” “Look Mack, I’m quite aware that the plan called for me to bring him back here and seduce him, but there was no way in hell I was gonna take advantage of him like that.” 

“Well, why didn’t you fucking tell me that before you agreed to help me?!” She asked angrily. “Because, at the time, I was thinking with my dick, not my head or my heart,” he replied shortly, his voice and temper rising. “God knows I wanted to sleep with him. He’s so fucking gorgeous and I can’t get him out of my head,” he went on angrily. “But…Jesus Mack,” he exclaimed, sounding exasperated as he ran his fingers through his hair. “He was high, he had no idea what he was doing, and God…he still doesn’t even want to believe that he’s gay. He’s confused, scared…not to mention the feelings he has for the blonde kid. I just…I couldn’t do it.”  

After a few seconds of silence Mack began laughing bitterly. “What?” Jon asked. “Not thinking with your heart?! You can’t get him outta your head?” She sneered. “Jesus Jon…you fell in love with him, didn’t you?!” “No, I didn’t fall in love with him,” Jon shot back quickly. “But I have a heart, a conscience…I didn’t want to hurt him anymore than you already have.” He glanced over at Brian as he spoke. He was awake, sitting on the edge of the bed staring at him. “Jon?” Mack asked after moments of silence. “Jon?”  

“I want to talk to her,” Brian said softly, standing up and crossing the room to where Jon had taken the phone. Without a word he handed it to Brian and sat back down on the bed. “Jon…hello?” Mack yelled, annoyed. “Mackenzie.” She froze. “B-Brian?” She whispered, taken way off guard. “I’ll be back in your room this evening, around six…before we leave. Meet me there.” Without waiting for her response, he handed the phone back to Jonathan and disappeared into the bathroom. 

“Well Mack, it looks like--” “Shut up,” she interrupted quickly. “Jon…” her voice softer and less harsh as she went on. “Jon…be there later…after he leaves,” she said softly, a small plea in her voice that Jonathan heard. He knew she was scared. Despite everything she’d done, Jon knew Mack was very much in love with Brian. He also knew that she was going to lose him tonight. There was no doubt about that, and Mackenzie seemed to realize it too. “Ok, I’ll be here later,” he said softly, before hanging up and waiting for Brian to come out of the bathroom. 

When he did, he looked nervously at Jon, unsure of what to say. “I…I have to go…they’ll wonder where I am if I stay much longer,” he said softly, nervously running his hands through his hair. Jonathan nodded, trying to ignore the feeling of loss that was washing over him suddenly. Maybe if everything had been different…I could have had you for my own.  

“Thank you for not…” Jon smiled and nodded again, indicating that he didn’t have to go on. Slowly, Brian turned around and started to open the door. “Brian, wait,” Jon said suddenly, crossing the room to where the other man stood. “I’m sorry,” he said softly, looking down into Brian’s blue eyes. “Brian…you’re an amazing person…don’t let anyone ever tell you differently,” he said softly, blushing slightly as he looked away from Brian’s soft gaze. To Jonathan’s surprise, Brian reached out and squeezed his hand briefly. They looked into one another’s blue eyes for a few more seconds before Brian released his hand. He opened the door quickly and shut it behind him. 

Jonathan sighed and ran a hand through his hair as he walked back towards the bed they had shared all night. He fell back down onto it and reached for the television remote. As he let the TV play on whatever channel he had turned on, he grabbed the pillow Brian’s head had lay on all night and hugged it to his chest. I wish things could have been different.... 

***

Brian crept upstairs; hoping he could slip into his room without incident, although he was pretty sure Nick would’ve woken up now and wondered where he was. “Brian?” He spun around quickly to find AJ creeping up the same stairs as him. “AJ?” “And they all say I’m the one who likes to party,” AJ said, smiling. “Good, I’m glad you’re here,” he rushed on before Brian could respond. “If anyone asks…anyone meaning Kevin…we were out together, ok?” Brian nodded, knowing that it was a good idea…better than the truth. 

Kevin caught them both just as they reached their rooms, slipping out of his own and closing the door behind him. “Where the hell were you two?” He asked angrily. Brian looked over at AJ, hoping the younger man had a response. But as AJ started into a lengthy excuse about partying and losing track of time, Kevin just shook his head and told him to stop. “Look guys, I really don’t care where you were, just…don’t stay out so late again. And especially without security!” He shot a disappointed glance in Brian’s direction before turning and quickly going back into his room.  

AJ smiled at Brian, indicating that they had gotten off easily. He yawned and told the older man he had to go to sleep now because they had to be up in about an hour anyway. Brian smiled; wishing his night out had been more like AJ’s. He sighed softly and opened his door, anxious to see Nick. He always made his problems go away, at least temporarily. But Nick wasn’t there, wasn’t sleeping in his bed, wasn’t in the bathroom, wasn’t anywhere. 

Quickly, he grabbed the phone and dialed Kevin’s room. “Hello?” He answered softly. “Kevin, where’s Nick?!” He asked, his voice panicked. “He’s not here and I--” “Brian, he’s with me,” Kevin said calmly. “What?!” Brian asked, not understanding. “Why?” He sank down onto the bed, still clutching the phone to his ear. “Because last night while you were…wherever the hell you were…he had a nightmare. He called me in tears and I had to come and get him and bring him back here because he didn’t want to be alone.” Brian felt tears well up in his eyes, both from Kevin’s words and his tone of voice. He could tell that Kevin was upset with him, disappointed in him and he hated it. And what he hated even more was that he couldn’t stop the small stab of jealousy he felt for his older cousin. If he had been there he would’ve been the one comforting Nick…. Not that Kevin thought of it in the same way he did, but still…the fact that he had been able to be close to Nick, to hold him, soothe him…Brian wished it had been him. 

“Is he asleep now?” Brian asked softly, his voice trembling. “Yes he’s….” “Kevin?” “He’s just waking up now, I’ll call you back.” Brian hung up the phone and ran his hands through his hair. He felt terrible…he hadn’t been there for Nick when he had needed him. He stood up and wiped away a few tears that had spilled over. A few moments later he heard the door open. He turned quickly and came face to face with his best friend. 

“Where did you go last night?” Nick asked flatly, quickly avoiding Brian’s concerned eyes. He walked past him and plopped down on his bed. “I…went out with AJ,” he replied softly, tentatively sitting down next to Nick. They were both silent for a while, neither sure of what to say. “I’m sorry Nick,” he finally whispered, reaching out to grab Nick’s hand. Nick didn’t say anything, only turned his hand so that they could link their fingers. Brian smiled at that, his eyes filling with tears again. 

“What was your nightmare about?” Brian asked softly. They sat still side-by-side, afraid to look into each other’s eyes, afraid to stop holding hands. “You,” Nick finally replied in a small voice. Brian turned his head in surprise, facing Nick. “Me?” Nick nodded. “You were in trouble and I couldn’t find you, couldn’t help you…and then I woke up and you still weren’t here and I couldn’t…I was so afraid that maybe it hadn’t been a dream and…” He stopped and turned his face away from Brian. The older man heard the way his voice had quivered and he knew he was close to tears. Impulsively, Brian turned Nick around so he was facing him and pulled the younger man into his arms.  

“I’m sorry Nicky,” he whispered as he felt Nick’s arms wrap around his waist. Nick was crying now, his body shaking slightly with his sobs. Brian squeezed him tighter and ran a hand through his hair. He said nothing, knowing Nick only needed to be held. When he had stopped crying he pulled away and smiled. Brian smiled back, relived because he knew everything would be just fine between them. Nick wouldn’t hold a grudge. And besides, after tonight, he intended to stay in as much as possible. 

***

He knocked on her door precisely at six, nervous, yet at the same time, relived that this day had finally come. She opened the door a few seconds later and let him in. She had tried, unsuccessfully, all day to try and think of something that would make him stay. She said nothing to him, as she sat down on the bed, wanting him to go first so she could figure out how to react. When he finally spoke he asked her one question. “Why?” He said it softly, sitting down across from her on a chair. “Why did you do it?”  

She hadn’t been prepared for that. She had expected yelling, screaming, anger…not a calm, simple question. Well it was a simple question…it did not have a simple answer. “Look Brian,” she began quickly. “I’m sorry for giving you the Ecstasy and not telling you and--” “No Mack…why,” he repeated firmly. “Tell me the reason why you did all of this to me.” She took a deep breath and looked up into his eyes. “Because I wanted to you to be happy and I thought that--” “You thought that slipping me drugs and having another man seduce me would make me happy?!” He asked, his temper rising quickly. 

“Brian please listen to me I--” “No!” He shook his head and stood up. “I don’t understand you…what did I ever do to you to make you treat me this way?” He asked, turning and freezing her in his stare. You treated me like gold and then I found out you were gay. She looked down at her feet, unable to face him any longer. “I can’t make you happy,” she finally said softly. “There’s only one person who can do that and I thought that if I could show you that being gay isn’t wrong, doesn’t make you a bad person that you…you might find the courage to let yourself be happy.”  

Brian watched her for a few moments silently, contemplating whether or not he should believe her. Even if what she said was true, there had to be another reason. No one was so unselfish. “So what was in it for you?” He asked finally, sitting back down and waiting for her answer. She couldn’t look up, couldn’t face his eyes. She’d never give him the real reason…that if she gave him happiness, if she could somehow give him what his heart truly wanted, then maybe he’d keep her. Not as a lover, but someone he cared about. Someone he loved, someone he’d watch out for and take care of. That’s all she wanted…to be loved, to be taken care of. But she couldn’t tell him that. 

He got up and crossed the room to stand in front of her. He hadn’t really expected an answer. She swallowed hard, unable to stop the tears that were forming in her eyes. He leaned down over her and kissed the top of her head. “Good-bye Mackenzie,” he whispered. Still, she didn’t lift her head, didn’t reply. He walked to the door, stopping as he opened it and looking back once more. Surprised, he felt his heart constrict in his chest. She looked so sad, so broken…he could tell she was about to cry. A small part of him wanted to comfort her, protect her, but he needed to get away, needed to leave her behind for his own sake.  

“Good-bye Brian,” she finally whispered, blinking quickly and looking up to meet his eyes one last time. “I’m sorry,” she added painfully. He nodded. “So am I.” With one last look at her, he turned and left, shutting the door behind him. 

Jonathan watched from down the hall as Brian left Mack’s room. He lingered for a moment at the door before turning and walking away. Jon watched him go, that feeling of regret washing over him once more. When he went inside he found Mackenzie curled up on her bed, clutching a pillow to her chest. He didn’t think that he had ever seen her cry before. Without a word, he lay down behind her and wrapped her in his arms. “Shh, don’t cry ‘Kenzie,” he whispered soothingly. “Don’t…l-leave me Jon, please?” She asked tearfully, her voice barely above a whisper. He pulled her closer and kissed the back of her neck. “Shh…of course I won’t leave.” “Jon…I love him,” she said softly, pushing back as close to him as possible. “I know honey…I know.” 

Chapter 11 – Past

“You going home Bri?” Nick asked as he shoved whatever he could fit into his suitcase. “What? Oh yeah…tomorrow, I’m going home,” he said softly, Nick’s question distracting him and pulling him out of his own world. He was too busy thinking about the fact that he wasn’t going home. He was going to stay here, in New York City, alone, for the weeklong break that they had starting today. Next week they’d be back to start promoting their new album, ‘Millennium.’ But he was staying here so that he could…. “Brian?” Nick asked in a singsong voice. “Hello Bri?” Brian turned away from the lights of the city and looked back at his best friend. 

Brian didn’t understand it. It had been almost two years since his ‘discovery’ that he was gay, and still the feelings for Nick persisted. They hadn’t gone away, they hadn’t faded with time. In fact, they had steadily grown stronger as time had passed. He was more deeply in love with his best friend now, than he had been the first moment he had realized that he had fallen.  

After they had left Paris Brian never saw Mackenzie again. He had pretty much expected her to follow him to wherever they had gone next, but she hadn’t been there. Not at the hotel, not at any of their concerts. She had truly disappeared from his life. And as happy and relieved as he was about that, he still couldn’t help but worry about her occasionally.  

And in all that time, Brian had tried his hardest to repress the feelings he knew he couldn’t stop. He never told anyone his secret, he never went near another guy, and he had never felt lonelier. His friends could only do so much, even his beloved Nick never truly broke through the walls he had started to build up around himself. But he hid it all very well.  

None of them knew that sometimes he’d cry himself to sleep at night, wishing he had someone to talk to. And every time he thought he had worked up enough courage to talk about it, that little voice in his head whispered to him that whomever he told would hate him. And through it all, the worst part of it was his unrequited love for Nick. Nick was growing up before his very eyes, more and more handsome each day; more secure, less needy…Brian was terrified that someday, he’d stop needing him.  

“I’m sorry Nick,” Brian finally answered, realizing he’d said nothing, too lost in his thoughts to be paying attention. “What did you say?” He asked. Nick laughed and abandoned his suitcase in favor of standing next to the window with Brian. “Where are you Bri?” He asked softly, leaning against the glass and facing his friend. Brian blushed and looked out at the city again. “Nowhere special,” he replied. “Just daydreaming, thinking…you’re going home too, aren’t you?” He asked, eager to change the subject. But Nick knew what he was doing and he stopped him. He slid along the window until he was directly in front of Brian, blocking his view. Brian swallowed hard as he looked up into Nick’s eyes. Those blue eyes that haunted his dreams, that he knew he could drown in forever if he were ever lucky enough to be given the chance.  

“Tell me what’s wrong Bri,” Nick said softly, those same blue eyes softening in concern and worry. “Something’s been bugging you for a while…I just want to help you. Whatever it is Brian…you know you can tell me anything.” I know that Nick, I do. I just can’t seem to make my heart accept that. And believe me, I’d love nothing more than to tell you everything.... “I’m just kinda nervous about our new album and stuff,” he lied, hoping Nick would buy it. “We’ve been away for a while so it’ll be interesting to see who’s still there, still fans and--” He didn’t get a chance to finish his ramblings because he suddenly found himself engulfed in Nick’s warm arms. Willingly, he laid his head against the younger man’s chest and returned the embrace, even though he had no idea why he was being hugged. 

“I know you’re lying,” Nick whispered against his hair, his hands all the while running up and down Brian’s back. Brian stiffened and tried to pull back to protest, but Nick wouldn’t let him. “Shh, no, you don’t have to say anything,” Nick went on softly. “There’s something bothering you. Something you won’t tell anyone…not even me. I don’t know why, but, I hope that when you’re finally ready, you’ll talk about it. Just promise me that you won’t let it eat you away from the inside until you don’t know what to do. Promise me you’ll let me help you, because I don’t know what I’d do without you Bri…” He stopped and kissed the top of Brian’s head, pulling him even closer. Brian squeezed his eyes shut and forced back his tears. “I promise,” he whispered, feeling so safe, so loved in Nick’s arms that it hurt. It hurt because Nick could never know that he was a big part of the source of Brian’s heartache. And being in his arms hurt only because he knew that he could never stay there forever. 

When they pulled apart finally, Brian looked up at Nick, his eyes whispering a silent ‘thank you.’ Nick went back to packing; Brian joined him, sitting on the bed and watching as Nick tried to force all of his stuff into the suitcase. Kevin knocked on the door a few minutes later, telling Nick that their ride to the airport was here.  

“So, I’ll see you in a week,” Nick said softly, picking up his bag and lugging it towards the door. Brian nodded and stood up with him. “Have a safe flight, and tell your family I said hello,” Brian said. Nick nodded. “You do the same…and Brian, please remember what I said. You can always tell me anything.” “I know Nick,” he whispered, looking down and away from Nick’s loving eyes. He jumped when he felt Nick reach out and squeeze his hand. “Good bye Frick.” Brian looked up and smiled. “I’ll see you in a week Frack.” 

***

Two hours later, Brian was dressed and ready to go out. The only problem was, he wasn’t quite sure where to go. After all, he had been denying to himself who he really was for the past two years, so it wasn’t as if he knew of all the best gay clubs in town. Even if it was New York City, he still had no idea where to start. But a quick leaf through a cheesy hotel entertainment guide gave him all he needed to know.  

He wanted more. He wanted to feel those feelings he had felt before, those feelings he had felt with Jonathan in Europe. Nothing had ever felt so good, and he wanted so much more. He wanted to be with another man. He was lonely, he was desperate, and he was needy. It scared him a little bit that he planned on being so bold, asking someone he didn’t know for only one thing. But it was more than just an intense need to satisfy a burning sexual curiosity. It was a need to know, to find out who he truly was. And somewhere in the back of his mind was the thought that if he could sleep with someone else, his feelings for Nick might die down, might fade away and keep his heart from being so broken all of the time. 

Fear and fascination washed over him in equal amounts as soon as he got past his anxiety that someone would recognize him. It was dark enough, and most everyone there was drunk enough not to notice or care. He had made it here, swallowed his nerves and fear and stepped inside, but now he didn’t know what to do, how to proceed with his plan. He certainly had no idea how to pick up another guy…the thought in itself terrified him. After much internal debate, he decided he’d start with a drink. 

Once he had ordered something he stood there nervously, still trying to figure out what he should do. A few moments later someone brushed up against him, squeezing close in order to lean across the crowded bar and order a drink. Brian kept his eyes on his drink, trying to ignore the heat that emanated from the man next to him. But when he heard that man yell out his order to the bartender, he turned his head sharply and almost gasped in shock. 

“Jonathan?!” He asked quickly, feeling dizzy the instant the blonde turned his head. Jonathan nearly fell over in surprise. A delicious wave of heat washed over his entire body as he looked down into those pretty blue eyes that, even now, still haunted his dreams occasionally. “Brian?” “What are you doing here?” They asked at the same time. Jon smiled and quickly paid for his drink. Once he had it, he motioned Brian away from the bar, placing a hand lightly on his back to guide him. They stopped a few feet off the dance floor. Brian leaned his back up against the wall and looked up to meet Jonathan’s eyes.  

“You go first,” Brian said shyly, his heart beating a mile a minute in hopeful anticipation. Jon smiled and leaned closer so that Brian could hear him without having to shout. “I live here…in New York, and I’m just out for the night. What about you? Shouldn’t you be singing or hiding from screaming girls or something?” Brian laughed, becoming less and less nervous with each second that passed. Jonathan grinned, his remark achieving the desired effect of relaxing Brian. For a little while Brian managed to avoid his question as the two of them talked about various different things. Neither could believe the fact that out of everywhere they could have gone tonight, they had both come to the same spot and managed to find one another in the crowd. Both of them knew what they wanted from each other but both were afraid to ask. Brian, afraid to be so bold; Jonathan, afraid to scare him away.  

Finally, Jonathan repeated his earlier question and asked Brian why he was here. “I came here to…find someone,” Brian said softly, causing Jonathan to lean closer in order to hear him. “Someone specific?” Jonathan asked softly, staring intently into Brian’s eyes. Brian shook his head. “No,” he all but whispered, very much aware of how close Jonathan was to him now. Jon only nodded, understanding now, what Brian was looking for. He plucked Brian’s drink from his hand and set it and his own on a nearby table. He leaned close to Brian again, placing his hands on the wall on either side of Brian’s head. “Can I be your someone?” Jon asked seductively, watching as Brian’s eyes fluttered shut. He leaned his head back against the wall and brought his hands to Jon’s hips. “Yes,” he whispered breathlessly. He opened his eyes and looked deeply into Jonathan’s. “Yes,” he repeated.  

Jonathan smiled slightly and ran his fingers through Brian’s curls. He rested that hand on the back of his neck and wrapped his other arm around Brian’s waist. Never breaking their eye contact, he pulled Brian tightly against himself. He leaned closer until their lips met, both of them sighing at the sensation. Brian had missed this…these kisses, these touches. Jonathan had missed Brian. 

They kissed each other deeply, searching each other’s mouths with their tongues, wanting to taste as much as they could. Brian’s head was spinning; he couldn’t enough of Jonathan’s mouth, his arms, his heat. He was more than thrilled that he had found him. The prospect of approaching some stranger and asking him for what he so desperately wanted was terrifying. And despite what had happened in the past, he felt safe with Jonathan. They finally broke apart to breathe and Brian eagerly pressed sweet little kisses along Jonathan’s jaw until he reached his ear.  

“I want you,” Brian whispered boldly, flattening his hands against Jonathan’s back. Jonathan shuddered and squeezed his eyes shut. None of his fantasies of Brian had ever been this hot. “I want you too babe…” He pulled back and looked into Brian’s eyes. “Let’s leave,” he said softly, pulling Brian closer again; he couldn’t seem to get close enough. Brian nodded anxiously. Reluctantly, they broke their embrace. Jon slid his fingers down Brian’s arm and took his hand in his own. They made their way out of the club quickly, stopping only briefly outside to hail a cab.  

Once inside, Jonathan rattled off an address to the driver. “Where are we going?” Brian asked. “My apartment.” “How long have you lived in New York?” Brian asked, absently shifting closer to him. Jonathan smiled. “My whole life.” Brian turned and looked at him sharply. “But…” “Europe was my parents way of getting rid of me for a while…” Jonathan said, laughing at Brian’s _expression. “But why…” “Shh,” Jonathan whispered. “I’ll tell you everything once we get there.” They rode in silence the rest of the way there, Jonathan tracing small patterns on the inside of Brian’s arm, causing his whole body to tingle.  

They arrived a few minutes later at a rather upscale apartment building. Jonathan led Brian inside and once they were safely in the elevator, he leaned his back up against the wall and crossed his arms. “So Brian…ask away,” he said coyly, a devilish smile on his face. He could see Brian had questions for him. “You live here?” He asked first. Jonathan nodded. “You must have a fantastic job to be able to afford it,” Brian went on. “Nope,” replied Jonathan. “This apartment is my father’s way of keeping me out of sight. It’s never the rich CEO’s plan to have a gay son. That’s the same reason I was in Europe for so long.” “Oh,” Brian said softly, looking down. “Brian, don’t feel bad,” he said kindly. “I’m perfectly fine with this. “Can’t say I don’t love living here for free; and besides if my father’s ashamed of me then it’s his loss not mine. I wouldn’t say we were ever close anyway.”  

The doors opened on the 18^th floor, and Jon led Brian down the hall to his apartment. A thought struck Brian suddenly. A fearful thought…. “Jonathan?” He asked softly, stopping. “Mackenzie…is she…?” “Here?” Jonathan asked, completing his thought. Brian nodded. “No,” Jon replied. “I haven’t seen or heard from Mack in almost three months. The last time I saw her, she was here in New York, but I have no clue as to where she is now.” 

Jon unlocked his door and led Brian inside. He turned on a few lights and threw his jacket on a chair. “Brian?” He asked softly, watching him nervously try to figure out what to do next. “So how did you manage to slip away from your security?” He asked, sitting on the edge of the chair and still watching Brian. “We’re on a break for a week…I said I was going home, but I stayed here.”  

Jonathan stood up and walked over to where Brian stood. He took his face in his hands and looked down into a pair of very nervous, yet very determined blue eyes. Surprising Jon, Brian reached out and threw his arms around his neck, nestling his head against Jon’s shoulder. Jonathan immediately closed the embrace and wrapped his arms around the smaller man’s waist. “I’ve never…Jon, I’ve never slept with another man,” Brian whispered quickly, keeping his eyes tightly shut. “That’s what I was looking for at the club, I needed…I need to know what it’s all like.” 

Jonathan had known what Brian wanted from the moment he had told him he was looking for someone, but he had only let himself hope that this would be Brian’s first time. For some reason, he found it very important that he be Brian’s first. Jonathan took a deep breath and pulled back from Brian’s arms. He framed his face in his hands and softly kissed his lips. “You’re sure?” He whispered, looking down into those eyes he could easily get lost in. Brian nodded and blushed. “I want it to be you,” he whispered, never breaking Jonathan’s gaze. Jon swallowed hard, Brian’s words rushing through his body and leaving him weak. Brian clung to him as Jon began placing sweet, soft kisses all over his cheeks, his eyelids, his forehead, and his lips. “I’ll go as slow as you want Bri,” he whispered. “I’ll stop anytime you need me to and--” “Jonathan,” Brian said softly, placing his fingers on Jon’s mouth. “I trust you,” he whispered, pulling him closer. Jon smiled softly, wondering what he had done to deserve that trust. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against Brian’s, his arms wrapping tightly around his back. 

Brian shivered at the feel of that soft mouth on his again; those arms that held him so close, the heat from Jon’s body that covered him like a blanket. He tightened his grip on Jon’s waist as their kiss deepened, tongues mating, searching, feeling. Jonathan couldn’t get enough of Brian’s sweet taste. He had never forgotten it, and now he wanted so much more. He searched Brian’s mouth deeply, his tongue finding and tasting every inch of it. Jon’s hands wandered over Brian’s back, going lower to his waist. He lifted the hem of Brian’s shirt and slipped his hands beneath it, flattening his hands against the soft skin of his back. He smiled against Brian’s mouth when he shivered and reluctantly broke the kiss. 

He slid his hands further beneath Brian’s shirt and then lifted it over his head. Brian blushed slightly and shyly looked down at his feet. Quickly, Jonathan took off his own shirt as well and tossed it to the floor. He reached out and tipped Brian’s chin up, smiling into his nervous eyes. He took his hand in his own and led him across the room and up a small set of steps. Brian took a deep breath as Jon led him into his bedroom. He was actually going to do this. No turning back now. He was surprised to discover that while he was terribly nervous, he was not afraid. 

Jonathan brought Brian’s hand to his lips and kissed the back of it. He released it then and with a smile quickly lit the few candles he always had in his room. Once he had completed that task, he walked slowly back to where Brian stood and reached past him to turn off the light. The soft glow of the candles instantly filled the room, bouncing over shadows and swirling around their bodies. Jon took Brian’s face in his hands and looked into his blue eyes. Brian couldn’t form any words; he was losing himself in Jon’s tender stare. Blindly, he reached for him, his hands winding around to the small of his back. Jonathan ran his fingers lightly over Brian’s shoulders, his arms, and to the back of his neck, loving the feel of Brian’s soft curls under his fingers. He pulled him closer until their foreheads touched. It was Brian who made the first move, pressing his mouth tightly to Jonathan’s and slipping his tongue past his lips.  

They stayed that way for quite some time, making out; hands going no further than each other’s backs. Jon knew when Brian’s kisses became more frantic, more heated, that he could go further. Slowly, he slid his hands from the small of Brian’s back to his slim hips. He grasped them firmly and pulled him tightly against himself. Brian moaned softly, low in his throat, as Jonathan pushed his growing erection into Brian’s. He held him there as they continued to kiss, rotating his hips against Brian’s. It felt so good to both of them, brand new to Brian and so much sweeter than usual to Jon because it was with Brian.  

Jon finally broke their kiss, pulling back slowly as he sucked on Brian’s tongue and then his lower lip. “God, you taste sweet,” he whispered hotly against Brian’s swollen lips. “Jon…I…” Brian breathed softly, struggling to stay standing. So many new feelings and sensations rushed through his mind, his body, with every touch from the blonde. And it was all so much more powerful this time because he was completely sober, aware of all his senses.  

“Shh…I know Brian,” Jon whispered, running his thumb over Brian’s lower lip. Jon had to keep reminding himself that this was Brian’s first time and not to rush, but he was just so gorgeous, so sexy, and so innocent. A lethal combination. However, he was looking forward to taking things slowly and savoring every touch that they shared. But he knew Brian was ready for more now. 

He kissed him again lightly on the mouth before trailing his lips elsewhere. He ran them over Brian’s jaw line, to his ear, stopping to suck on his earlobe before moving lower to the soft skin of his neck. Brian’s head fell back slightly and he squeezed his eyes shut as he gripped tightly to the other man. Jon let his hand slide slowly down Brian’s chest, loving the way the skin quivered under his touch. He heard Brian suck in a sharp breath of air as he slid his fingers beneath the waistband of his jeans. Jonathan shivered, loving the way Brian was reacting, also loving the softness and warmth of Brian’s skin. He couldn’t wait to taste it. He kissed his way to Brian’s shoulder, slowly sucking and nibbling as he went along. As he did, he unbuttoned Brian’s jeans, going slowly because he could feel Brian trembling nervously. 

But Brian didn’t stop him; he only gripped tightly to Jonathan and avoided his eyes as the blonde slid his jeans off. Brian slipped off his shoes when he saw Jon start to do the same. Wanting to stay on equal footing, Jonathan unbuttoned and removed his own pants, kicking them off to the side and quickly pulling Brian back into his arms. Brian couldn’t help the moan that left his lips when their nearly naked bodies touched. Jonathan couldn’t think of anything hotter than the sound of Brian moaning that way. He couldn’t wait to make him scream. He gazed down into his eyes and saw lust and desire clearly written there. The way Brian looked right now was driving him crazy. His cheeks flushed, his hair slightly messed up, his lips swollen from their kisses. Jonathan had never seen him so in his prime. 

He pulled Brian gently towards his bed, kissing him softly to distract him from thinking too much. Turning them both around, he lowered Brian to the bed beneath them so that he sat on the edge of it, his feet still on the floor. Slowly, he knelt in front of the smaller man and looked up into his eyes. Brian was breathing heavily, chewing on his lower lip, forcing himself to meet Jon’s gaze. Jonathan reached up and cupped Brian’s cheek in his hand. “Shh…relax Brian,” he whispered. Brian nodded quickly and took a deep breath, trying his best to do just that.  

Jonathan knelt between Brian’s legs, as close to the bed as he could be, and wrapped his arms around Brian’s back, letting his hands rest lightly just above the waistband of his boxers. He knew exactly what he wanted to do to Brian, to show him everything he could with the one night he had. Somehow, he knew, one night would never be enough for him, but he’d worry about that later. He smiled softly up at Brian once more before leaning forward. When he pressed his lips to Brian’s chest, he smiled to himself as he felt him jump in surprise and pleasure. He let his lips travel slowly, stopping and taking each of Brian’s small nipples into his mouth and sucking them gently. He loved it when Brian’s hands slipped into his hair, tangling his fingers through the blonde locks, and pulling him closer. Jon could hear the gasps of air that Brian was desperate for and the small whimpers that occasionally left his lips. 

He pressed his body closer, pulling Brian tighter against him at the same time. Brian moaned and tugged gently on Jon’s hair when Jon pressed his chest against his aching erection. Jon loved every second of this, every moan, every touch, every taste. He went lower, kissing and sucking on his stomach, reveling in the sweet taste of Brian’s skin. As he did, he brought his hands to Brian’s sides and ran them down to the top of his boxers. He tugged gently on the waistband as he continued licking and tasting Brian’s soft skin.  

Brian tensed slightly, somewhat scared by what he knew was coming. He wanted it, but he was nervous. Jon seemed to sense this. He looked up at Brian and smiled softly. “Brian, lay down,” Jon said softly. Brian’s eyes widened and he tensed further. Jon smiled again, loving his innocence and his slight fear. He shook his head. “No, Bri…it’s ok…not until you’re ready,” he whispered, looking up into his eyes. Brian nodded and took a deep breath. Slowly, he lay down on his back, shifting until his legs no longer fell over the side of the bed. Jonathan got up and knelt on the bed next to him. He slowly ran his hands up Brian’s legs, skipped over the still-clothed portion of his body and went on to his stomach and chest. He stretched out on his side next to Brian and looked down into his eyes. Brian reached up at the same time Jon leaned down, and their mouths met in a passionate kiss. 

Jon kissed him deeply, wanting to cloud his mind completely so that he wouldn’t tense up at his next move. Brian wound his arms around Jon’s back and pulled him close so that he lay partially across his chest. Jon slid his hand down to Brian’s waist as he continued his passionate kisses. Somewhere in Brian’s mind, he knew more was coming, but right now all he could feel was the heat from Jon’s body, and all he could concentrate on were his kisses. So deep, so powerful, so good. He couldn’t catch his breath and he never wanted these feelings to end. But suddenly, a jolt of pleasure burst through his hazy mind, causing him to break their kiss and moan loudly. Jon’s lips were instantly back on his mouth though, not giving him time to think about what was happening.  

Eventually his brain managed to figure out what had caused, and was still causing, all of that pleasure. And when he did, he blushed, even through their kisses. Jon moved his hand slightly, cupping Brian’s erection through his boxers. Jon swallowed Brian’s whimpers as he continued rubbing his hand over the soft material; the only thing keeping him from finally touching the other man. Brian squirmed against his hand, wanting Jonathan to move more; he needed more pressure, more contact.  

Jon slowly pulled back from their kiss and swept his tongue across Brian’s swollen lips. “Brian,” he breathed, trying to catch his breath. “Bri, let me…touch you,” he whispered, looking tenderly into Brian’s pleasure clouded eyes. Brian only nodded, unable to speak. Slowly, softly, Jonathan pushed his fingers beneath the waistband of Brian’s boxers and tugged. Swallowing his inhibitions, Brian lifted his hips and allowed Jonathan to slide his boxers off. He squeezed his eyes shut in embarrassment and anxiety, not seeing when Jon removed his own boxers as well. But he pushed his hard cock against Brian’s leg at the same time he closed his fingers over Brian’s throbbing shaft. 

Brian moaned loudly, his whole body jerking in surprise and pleasure. Jon leaned up to meet his mouth again, knowing that Brian lost more of his nerves when they were kissing, as he began stroking him. “You’re beautiful,” Jon whispered the instant before their lips met. Brian kissed him eagerly, plunging his tongue into his mouth and tasting all he could. He gripped onto Jonathan’s back and held him tightly. Beautiful.... That comment touched Brian deeply. No one had ever called him beautiful like that. Jonathan broke the kiss and watched Brian struggle to open his eyes. When he finally did, a wave of heat hit Jon from the deep look of lust, desire and passion he saw there.  

He ran his fingers over the tip of Brian’s cock, wanting to see his reaction. Brian moaned, low and throaty, biting down on his lip. Jon needed to have more of him; Brian was driving him crazy. The way he moaned…the way he reacted to every touch…. He lowered his mouth to Brian’s neck and sucked lightly on his skin. Slowly, he kissed his way down Brian’s chest, taking his time to suck and nibble at various spots along the way. When he finally reached his destination, he removed his hand from Brian’s cock and took both of his hips in his hands. He leaned down and licked a circle around his belly button, pushing his tongue into it and sucking at the soft skin there. He went lower still, glancing up at Brian to see his eyes squeezed shut again, his breath coming in short, desperate pants. He blew lightly on Brian’s cock, glancing up once more to make sure he saw no hesitation. But all he saw was pleasure on Brian’s face, and so he lowered his mouth and took the tip of him between his lips. 

“Jon!” Brian moaned loudly, his hips bucking upwards, his head rolling back on the bed. “Oh…God….” Jonathan, more than pleased with the reaction he had just received, went further. The sound of his name on Brian’s lips filled with lust and heat made Jonathan’s body tingle. He squeezed Brian’s hips gently as he took more of his cock into his mouth, swirling his tongue over the heated flesh, instantly loving the taste of him. Brian had never felt anything like this. Jonathan’s mouth was so good…so warm and wet. He was desperate for more. Urgently, he tangled his fingers in Jon’s hair tugging on it and urging him further. Jonathan gladly took more, as much as he could, until Brian reached the back of his throat. And when he did, Brian gasped in pleasure, moaning Jon’s name as the blonde sucked him. 

It wasn’t long before the pleasure started to get the best of Brian. He had never experienced such sweet sensations, and while he wanted it to go on and on, he felt his orgasm creeping up on him quickly. Jon squeezed his hips again and drew him closer, pulling his head back slightly to suck on the tip of him. Brian panted desperately for air, lifting his head slightly to look down at Jon. Seeing him like that sent him over the edge. Jon quickly swallowed Brian deeply into his mouth once more and felt him tug harder on his hair. “Jon…it’s so good, I can’t…please…oh my God…yes, Jon!” He moaned, holding Jon’s head to him as he came deep in the blonde’s mouth. Jon eagerly swallowed all that he could, continuing to suck Brian until he was soft.  

Slowly, he let him slip from his mouth and eagerly licked his lips, capturing what had escaped. Brian watched him as he gasped for air, still reeling from the most powerful orgasm of his life…so far. Jon kissed his way up Brian’s body, loving the way he looked now even more. Flushed, sweaty and utterly ravished. And we’ve only started... Jon lay so that his body partially covered him, his leg between Brian’s, his hand smoothing the curls that were now damp with sweat. He smiled down at him and pressed their mouths together for a sweet kiss. Brian held onto him tightly as they kissed, tasting himself in Jon’s mouth.  

When they broke the kiss, Jon looked down into his eyes again as he continued running his fingers through his hair. “That was amazing,” Brian whispered, a slight flush creeping into his cheeks once again. Jon smiled, loving the way the slightest thing was capable of making Brian blush. He smiled wickedly and leaned close to kiss Brian lightly. “It was my pleasure,” he purred against Brian’s mouth in a low voice. “You taste so good baby,” he went on, purposely trying to make Brian blush again. “And you’re so hot when you cum…” He looked up and saw that his words had achieved the desired effect. Brian’s cheeks were bright red; his eyes squeezed shut. Jon smiled and kissed him again. He sucked lightly on Brian’s lower lip before slipping his tongue into his warm mouth. They kissed each other slowly, lazily, taking time to touch every corner of one another’s mouths.  

Jon ignored his own need for release for the moment, wanting to keep concentrating on Brian and everything he needed. But Brian could feel Jon’s hard cock pressing against his thigh and he knew he was holding back for his sake. As they continued to kiss, Brian ran his hands down Jon’s back and then over to his hips. Jon moaned into Brian’s mouth when he pulled him down against him, forcing him to move his hips. “Oh God Brian,” he gasped, breaking their kiss and shutting his eyes. He leaned down and laid his forehead on Brian’s chest as feelings of pleasure washed over him. He let Brian continue his actions, rocking his hips against him, until he could take no more.  

Brian felt his body getting hot all over again. He loved the fact that something he was doing could make Jonathan react the way he was. Every moan that left his lips, each time he squirmed against him…it all rushed through Brian powerfully, giving him a new level of security. He wanted more. Jon lifted his head and stared at Brian with passion filled eyes. Brian felt himself harden at the sight of him. His mouth was open, his breath coming in ragged pants, his blonde hair falling over his eyes. Brian reached up and pushed that hair away. 

“Brian--” “Jon, I want you,” he said boldly, never breaking eye contact. “I want you to feel the way I did…I want more…I….” He faltered, but Jon was there to kiss away his nerves. “I want you too Brian…so badly,” he whispered, shifting slightly so that he lay completely on top of him. He pressed his hips against Brian’s, their cocks rubbing together deliciously and causing them both to moan. They kissed one another eagerly, letting their hands wander each other’s bodies. Eventually Jon pulled back and smiled at Brian. “Let’s move,” he said softly, motioning to the headboard. Brian nodded. Jon slid the blankets down to the foot of the bed, allowing him and Brian to move up. Not wanting to give him too much time to think about what was going to happen, Jon quickly began kissing him again.  

Brian lay on his back amongst several pillows. He wrapped his arms around Jon again and kissed him hungrily. Within seconds, Jon was back on top of him, moving against him, driving them both crazy. Brian eventually broke their kiss to breathe and moved his lips to Jon’s chin and then his neck, sucking and licking at his skin. Jonathan moaned in pleasure, tilting his head to the side to give Brian better access. When Brian’s lips found his ear, they sucked briefly at his earlobe as the two of them continued to grind against each other. But Brian stopped kissing him a few moments later, took a deep breath, and whispered, “Jonathan…show me…what it’s like…now,” he pleaded breathlessly, pushing his hips upwards against the other man.  

Jon pulled back and kissed him softly, moving slightly so that he was no longer completely on top of him. As he did, he reached over to the nightstand, and opened the top drawer. Quickly, he found what he needed, thankful that he had it close by. He shuddered in Brian’s arms with the knowledge of what he was about to do. Their passionate kiss never broke as Jon opened the lube and coated a few of his fingers with it. Once he was satisfied, he slid his hand down Brian’s side and over to his cock. Briefly, he ran his thumb down the length of him, smiling against Brian’s kiss as he felt him push upwards and clutch onto him tighter. 

But he was only there for a second, quickly moving lower, slipping his leg between Brian’s and pushing them slightly apart. Reluctantly, he broke their sweet kiss and stared down into Brian’s eyes. Jon could see just how nervous he was; it was there in his eyes. But behind that lay something else, determination, curiosity…lust. After a few moments, he was able to pull his eyes away from Brian’s, looking down at what he was about to do. He bit down on his lip as he found Brian’s small pucker, running his fingertip gently across it and feeling Brian tense in anticipation. He looked back up at him, meeting his eyes, as he gently and slowly pushed that finger inside. 

Brian forced himself to relax, his mouth opening in a pleasured surprise. He couldn’t stop staring at Jonathan, curious to find that he didn’t want to hide. As Jon pushed further, Brian moaned softly, never before having felt anything like this. He felt so deliciously vulnerable. He was helpless against anything Jon wanted, even though he knew that he wanted the exact same things. As Jon went further, Brian whimpered softly, pleasure along with a small stab of pain invading his senses.  

Jon watched his flushed face carefully as he pushed deeper and then moved his finger slightly, searching for what he knew would drive Brian crazy. He smiled slightly when he found it. Brian’s body tensed for a brief second before going lax with pleasure. As Jon stroked his prostate softly, Brian gasped for air and let his head fall back on the pillows. “Oh God…what…Jon, more…please more,” he begged, glancing up again with a look of wonder in his blue eyes. Jonathan eagerly complied, wanting to get him so lost with pleasure, there wouldn’t be as much time to feel the pain he knew was inevitable. 

As he continued rubbing his finger over Brian’s most sensitive spot, he carefully began pushing a second finger inside him. Brian tensed again, pain and pressure shooting through his haze of pleasure. Jon winced at the look of pain that crossed Brian’s face…he knew there would be more to come before they were through. He moved those two fingers around gently, wanting to loosen and stretch him as much as he could before they went any further. When Brian felt those fingers run over his prostate again, he moaned loudly at the jolts of pleasure that shot through his body. He had never felt anything so good. The feel of Jonathan’s fingers inside him, stroking his prostate and touching him deeply was so different and so much more powerful than anything he had ever felt before. The pain had been a brief reminder of what he knew was coming, but right now he could only focus on how good it felt. 

Jon was on fire, his whole body feeling exactly what he was doing to Brian. He breathed deeply; unable to get enough air as he watched his fingers disappear inside of him. And the look of pleasure and amazement that painted Brian’s features was worse. His whole body was covered in a fine sheen of sweat, his eyes glazed over with never-before-felt passion, his moans sexy and soft. Jon couldn’t help the moan that left his own lips, the result of simply watching Brian.  

When Brian heard Jonathan moan, low and husky, he met his eyes and bit down on his lip. He had never wanted something so badly in his entire life as much as he wanted him right now. “Jon….” He moaned softly, pushing his body down against Jonathan’s fingers, wanting more. “I want you now…please,” he whispered. Jon met his gaze and licked his lips, amazed to discover that he was trembling slightly. Before Jon could ask, Brian nodded. “Yes, I’m sure…please just…take me now…I need you.” 

His words rushed through Jonathan like molten heat, flowing rapidly through every vein and setting his body on fire. Carefully, he pulled his fingers out of Brian and reached, once again, for the lube. But before he could open it, Brian sat up and took it from his hands, squeezing it into his own hand and boldly reaching out to touch him. Jonathan shut his eyes and reached out to grab onto Brian’s shoulder when he felt his fingers on him. He forced himself to open his eyes and watch Brian as he began spreading the lube over his cock. He could feel that Brian was nervous, afraid he’d do something wrong. “God Brian…that feels so good,” he said hoarsely, gasping for air.  

Brian hardened further at Jonathan’s words. He watched the blonde’s face, somewhat amazed that he had been able to produce the look of pleasure he saw there. The feel of Jon there in his hand was something altogether new and powerful. He savored the satiny skin with his fingers, eager to touch every spot, learning his new found lover. Finally, Jon forced himself to push Brian away, knowing that he was already close to orgasm. Jon ran his hands up Brian’s legs, stopping beneath his knees and pushing his legs further apart. Brian fell back into his hill of pillows and stared down at Jon anxiously. Jonathan slipped a pillow beneath Brian’s hips as he slid between his legs and reached up to frame his face in his hands. He leaned upwards and kissed him softly. “This’ll hurt you,” he whispered, his heart constricting suddenly. He wanted this badly, but knowing that it was going to cause Brian pain was making him ache. “I won’t lie…it will hurt,” Jon repeated, brushing his lips against Brian’s. “But then…it’ll feel so good Brian…I promise you that.” Brian nodded and kissed him once more, running his fingers through Jon’s soft hair. “I trust you,” he whispered, his heart beating so fast he could barely breathe.  

Jon ran his hands over Brian’s thighs as he positioned himself at his small entrance. Brian moaned softly as he felt the tip of Jon’s cock brush over his sensitive hole. Quickly, Jon glanced up once more. One more look at those blue eyes begging for him before he took Brian’s hips in his hands and pushed forward. 

He went slowly, stopping almost as soon as he started, gasping in pleasure. He knew that he had to hold back for Brian’s sake, although it was going to be extremely difficult. Never had he felt anything so good…so hot and tight; he wanted to be buried completely inside of him. But as he gently pushed further, he saw Brian squeeze his eyes shut in pain. Brian grasped tightly to the bed sheets beneath him, his nails meeting his palms and pushing deeply into the skin. He tried to breathe but he was afraid if he moved in any way the pain would increase. He felt as if he were being ripped in half, burning pressure tearing him apart. 

“So…sorry, Bri,” Jonathan whimpered, fighting the need to push further faster. He balanced his weight on one hand, bringing the other to Brian’s slightly softened cock and wrapping his fingers around it. He stroked him quickly, knowing that if he could increase Brian’s pleasure, the pain would become less encompassing. Brian breathed deeply, opening his eyes to look at Jon. He shut them again quickly when Jon went deeper into him, but the pain was less sharp than before. Pleasure slowly began creeping up on him from Jonathan’s hand on his cock. He could feel himself hardening again under his touch, and the pain from his entry was lessening more and more.  

Jon could see the intense pain abating from the _expression on Brian’s face and so he went further, not stopping this time until he was completely buried inside of him. “Oh God,” he moaned softly, biting down on his lip as his head fell forward. “Fuck…you feel so good,” he hissed, glancing upwards into Brian’s eyes. Jon continued to stroke Brian, as he forced himself not to move yet. 

Brian whimpered softly, heat washing over him, as the pain dissolved slowly into nothing. Soon, all he could feel was pleasure and he met Jonathan’s lust-filled eyes. He saw a desperate plea there and he nodded, ready for whatever he wanted. Jonathan moved slowly, pulling back slightly before pushing all the way into Brian again. Brian’s body jerked in surprise and he moaned loudly when the tip of Jon’s cock hit into his prostate. He reached for Jonathan, sliding his hands up his arms to rest on his shoulders. Jon pulled back and then thrust into him harder this time, taking both of Brian’s hips in his hands and pulling him closer. “God Brian you feel so damn good,” Jon moaned, gasping for air.  

“Jon…more,” Brian pleaded, his voice low and husky. Jon shifted; leaning down to wrap his arms beneath his lover and pull him close. He pushed deeply into Brian again, hitting his prostate at a new angle and sending shudders all over Brian’s vulnerable body. Brian eagerly returned his embrace, quickly finding his mouth and kissing him passionately. Their tongues tangled desperately as Jon thrust into him again and again, driving them both closer to release. The light from the candles seemed to shine brightly on both of them, illuminating their sweaty skin and soaking hair. Neither could get enough of the other as their kisses became even deeper, their touches more and more frantic. 

Brian bit down on Jon’s lip as his hand slipped between their bodies to stroke Brian’s cock again. He was so close to cumming and he wanted Brian there with him, needed it. “Brian…” he whimpered, sucking on his lips, his tongue. “Harder Jon…” Brian begged, his head falling back as he grasped desperately to Jon’s back. “Harder…deeper…fuck, it feels so good,” he gasped as he squeezed Jon’s hips between his legs. 

His words alone were enough to push Jonathan closer to release. He quickly did as Brian asked, thrusting into him again as deeply as he could. Brian moaned incoherently, this newfound feeling of pleasure that came from Jon filling him with every thrust was slamming through his body with intense power and speed. “Brian, please…” Jon begged, stroking him harder as he thrust into him faster. “I’m so close…you’re just so fucking tight…so hot…oh fuck,” he hissed, wrapping a hand around Brian’s neck and forcing him to look into his eyes. “Cum for me baby,” he moaned feverishly. Brian squeezed him tightly, pulling him closer, forcing him deeper. Once more was all it took. Jon pushed into him again, as far as he could and felt Brian’s body freeze for one brief second before he came hard, digging his nails into his back and screaming his name. The look of pure ecstasy on Brian’s face and the sound of his name on his lips instantly sent Jon over the edge. He came deep inside of Brian, moaning his name and clutching him tightly. He continued to thrust into him, prolonging both of their orgasms until they collapsed, exhausted physically and emotionally from what had just taken place. 

Jonathan lay on top of him for a few minutes as both of them tried to catch their breath. After awhile he forced himself to get up, pulling out of Brian carefully, noticing him wince slightly in pain. Brian looked up at him desperately when he slid of the bed, but Jon smiled reassuringly and shook his head. “I’ll be right back,” he whispered, walking quickly into the bathroom and returning with a damp towel. He lay back down and ran the towel over both him and Brian, wiping away sweat and cum until they were both clean. 

The look in Brian’s eyes went straight to Jon’s heart, giving him feelings he knew were dangerous. Brian’s arms were aching for him and they slid together quickly, Brian burying his face in the crook of Jon’s neck as the other man held him tightly and kissed his hair. They stayed that way for the longest time, holding and caressing each other. Brian felt so safe there, so secure…Jon seemed to wrap around him like a blanket, driving away all of his fears, doubts and insecurities. What they had both shared was everything he could have ever imagined and more. Finally he pulled back slightly, making sure he was still locked in Jon’s arms, and looked into his eyes. “That was so incredible,” he whispered, his eyes shining with emotion. Jon smiled past the lump in his throat and kissed him softly. “You were incredible,” he replied softly, running his fingers through his curls. Brian wanted to say more to him, tell him how much he had appreciated everything he had done. The way he had gone so slowly, never rushing him, making sure that everything they did was fine with him before going further…he couldn’t have asked for anything more. But Jon pressed his finger to his lips and shook his head, telling him with his eyes that he understood all of that and there was no need to thank him. 

As they lay there in bed together, arms and legs wrapped all around each other, Jon discovered that he wasn’t quite ready to let him go yet. An idea popped into his head…an idea he knew, in the end, would end up causing him more pain than anything else if it happened. But he needed this now…needed him close for just a little bit longer. “Brian,” he whispered softly, pulling him back from his shoulder. He ran his hand through his hair again, resting it at the back of his neck. “Stay with me,” he said softly, feeling insecure suddenly as Brian’s eyes bore into his own. “For the week…there’s so much more I can show you…teach you…stay with me,” he repeated, hoping he didn’t sound too desperate.  

The thought to stay had never even crossed Brian’s mind. First of all, he hadn’t expected it to be this good, to want more again so soon after it had ended. And the prospect of having more with Jon, someone he trusted, maybe even cared for a little bit, was too good to pass up. He nodded slowly, surprised to see Jon’s eyes light up. “Yes, I’ll stay,” he answered shyly, unable to believe that for the next week he’d be able to touch Jonathan anytime he wanted to, kiss him…. He kissed him now softly yet passionately, thrilled suddenly with Jon’s idea for him to stay. Jon smiled back at him as they broke their kiss and pulled him tightly into his arms once again. Exhausted from everything they had done, Brian soon fell asleep, locked securely in his embrace. But Jon stayed awake for quite some time, petting him softly as he watched him sleep. “I’m gonna have to be so careful,” he whispered, moments before he succumbed to sleep. He leaned close and kissed Brian’s forehead. “Or I’m going to fall in love with you.” 

Chapter 12 - Past

Brian woke up the next morning and smiled happily when he realized where he was and whom he was with. For the first time in a long time he didn’t feel lonely or sad. He looked over at Jonathan and smiled softly. Thinking back to last night, he shivered and moved closer to Jon’s warm body. He was so glad that he had found him. The thought of sharing last night with anyone else, with a complete stranger, was frightening. He knew, now, that he never would have been able to pick someone up just for sex, no matter how determined he may have been. And Jonathan had given him so much more than just sex; he had given him patience, caring, tenderness…and now he would have all that for a week. 

“Good morning,” Jonathan whispered as he blinked and stretched. Brian smiled at him and leaned over for a kiss, which Jonathan eagerly returned. “You’re ok?” Jon asked when they broke the kiss, gazing up into Brian’s blue eyes. Brian nodded and smiled brightly again, touched by his compassion. “I’m fantastic,” he replied happily, settling himself on Jonathan’s chest. Jon tightened his arms around Brian and held him close. “Bri…why don’t you go back to your hotel and get whatever you need, and while you’re gone I’ll make sure we have all the basic essentials for the week.” Brian giggled, causing Jon to smile brightly. He pulled him up and kissed him again. “What’s so funny?” He teased, running his hand through Brian’s hair. “We are,” he replied, his blue eyes sparkling. “Secluding ourselves inside all week…” He paused and leaned down for another kiss. “But there’s nothing I want more,” he whispered against Jon’s lips. 

Jon shivered and ran his fingertips down Brian’s back. Brian giggled again and squirmed when Jon moved his fingers to his sides, tickling him. “Ticklish?” He teased. Brian batted his hands away. “Stop it!” He begged, laughing as Jon rolled him onto his back and kept tickling him. After a few more moments Jon relented but continued to hover over Brian, running his fingers through his soft hair once again. “You’re gorgeous,” he said softly, gazing down into Brian’s deep blue eyes. Brian blushed, but reached up and slid his hand to the back of Jon’s neck, pulling him down for a soft kiss. But after a few moments they reluctantly broke that kiss before things could progress any further. 

For the hour that they were separated, neither could get the other off of their mind. Absently, Brian threw whatever he thought he might need into a bag, blushing when he realized that he was hoping he wouldn’t need too many clothes. As he rummaged around in his suitcase, checking to see if there was anything else he should take, he picked out an item that wasn’t his. It was one of Nick’s sweatshirts. It was then he realized that he hadn’t thought about his best friend since yesterday. Normally, it was the younger man who ruled his thoughts almost continuously. But ever since last night, it was Jonathan whom he couldn’t get off his mind.  

A part of him felt guilty for that, as if he were somehow betraying Nick, but the rest of him was relieved to escape his unrequited love for at least a little bit. And he knew in his heart that nothing, not even a week in Jonathan’s arms, would cause him to fall out of love with Nick. He smiled softly to himself, kissed his fingertips and pressed them to the sweatshirt before putting it back in his suitcase. And then he grabbed his cell phone, his small bag of clothes and left the hotel. 

***

Jon sat on his couch, nervously flipping through television channels as he waited for Brian to return. He had told Brian he would check to make sure they had plenty of food for the week, but truthfully he had known it wouldn’t be a problem. Even if, for some reason, his well-stocked kitchen was out of something, they could always order in. What he really wanted was for Brian to be sure that he truly wanted this. Jon knew that if he gave him some time alone, he’d think about what he was doing more rationally. He just hoped that his rational decision would be the same and he’d come back. 

His heart jumped when he heard the intercom buzz. Quickly he told his doorman to let Brian up, smiling broadly to himself. His breath caught in his throat when he opened the door. He felt like a nervous teenager suddenly…anytime he saw Brian his brain turned to mush and his heart started beating faster. 

Brian smiled shyly at him as Jonathan grabbed his hand and pulled him into the apartment. As the door shut behind them it was Brian who reached out and pulled Jonathan into his arms, dropping his bag on the floor. “I missed you,” Brian whispered, his eyes twinkling mischievously. Jonathan smiled and lifted his hands to weave his fingers through Brian’s hair. “Oh really?” He teased with a smile. “How much?” “This much…” Brian whispered just before pressing his mouth to Jon’s. He kissed him deeply, pushing his tongue past his lips to taste him, exploring his mouth eagerly. Jon moaned softly as he let Brian control the kiss. Brian tightened his arms around his lover, pressing his hands into the small of his back. He wanted more, but was unsure of exactly how to go about it.  

When they finally broke apart to breathe, Brian reached up to brush a stray lock of hair out of Jon’s eyes. “I want you,” he said boldly. “Now,” he added softly as he let his hands slide down Jon’s back, over his ass and pulling him tightly against him. Jon loved his sudden controlling side, though he knew it wouldn’t last that long…nerves and hesitation would set in soon.  

“Jon, show me,” Brian whispered against his mouth, his hands pulling him closer. “Show me how to make you feel…like I did last night,” he murmured breathlessly. Jon smiled softly at him and ran his fingers through his hair. He could see how determined Brian was, but he could also see just how nervous he was too. “Shh, baby, we don’t have to rush anything ok?” Jon said softly, cupping Brian’s face in his hands and running his thumbs over his cheeks. Brian bit his lip and nodded. As much as Jon wanted to take Brian into his bedroom and ravish him right now, he didn’t want to rush anything either. He planned on savoring every second of this week and above all he wanted Brian to be comfortable. 

“Come on, I wanna show you something,” he said playfully, grabbing Brian’s hand and leading him to the door. Brian followed willingly. He wanted to experience everything he could with Jonathan, but he was still extremely nervous and worried that he’d do something wrong. “Where are we going?” Brian asked when they got into the elevator. Jon only smiled at him and hit the button for the twenty-second floor, which was the top. When they stepped out of the elevator Jon reached for his hand again and led him towards the end of the hall. He smiled mischievously at Brian and looked around briefly before opening the door to the stairs. Once in the stairwell he pulled Brian along behind him and up a small set of stairs to the roof.  

“Oh wow, what a view,” Brian said as the looked around at the city. Jon smiled. “I know…c’mere,” he called as he walked closer to the edge of the building. “Uh-uh,” Brian said firmly, not moving and making sure he could still touch the door to the stairs. Jon turned around and smiled at his uneasy _expression. “Why not?” Brian laughed nervously. “I’m afraid of heights,” he said sheepishly. Jon smiled and walked closer to him. When he reached him he took Brian’s face in his hands and kissed him softly. “You wanna go back down?” Jon asked him sweetly. Brian nodded and giggled. Jon took his hand again and led him back inside.  

“So, do you spend a lot of time up there?” Brian teased as they got back into the elevator. Jon laughed. “No, I just wanted to…relax you and take your mind off of…things,” he said softly, his voice low as he trailed his fingers down Brian’s arm. “But…it looks like I picked the wrong thing!” Brian giggled again and stepped closer to Jonathan. “I’m nervous but…” He kissed Jon softly and slipped his hands around his waist. “I’m relaxed,” he whispered. “Good,” Jon replied just as the elevator doors opened on his floor. 

Once they were back in his apartment they kissed each other desperately, pulling each other clothes as their mouths made love. Jon pulled Brian with him into the bedroom, moaning softly when Brian’s fingers found their way under his shirt. They both quickly removed their shirts, eager to feel each other’s skin. Their kisses were frantic, their touches feverish as they stumbled towards the bed. For the moment Brian was too determined to be nervous. The two of them grabbed and pulled at each other’s clothes until they were naked. They fell into bed and Jon pulled Brian on top of him. They both moaned as Jon grasped Brian’s hips and forced him to move against him. 

“Jon,” Brian moaned, lifting himself slightly to look into his lover’s eyes. “Jon…baby, let me…I want to….” Jon stopped his movements, took Brian’s face in his hands and looked into his eyes. “What should I…?” Brian trailed off uncertainly, blushing and looking away from Jon’s warm gaze. Jon smiled. “Whatever you want baby,” he whispered, his voice low and soothing. “Whatever you feel comfortable with and…Bri, chances are whatever you’d like, I’ll like too…” 

Brian took a deep breath and nodded. Jon reached up and kissed him softly, slipping his tongue past his lips and sweeping it all over his mouth. He kept up his soft, lazy pace for as long as he could, driving both himself and Brian crazy. Finally Brian broke away and began trailing kisses across Jon’s chin down to his neck. He sucked and nibbled on his soft skin as he ran his hands over Jon’s chest. Briefly he glanced up at him before continuing his kisses. Brian squeezed his shoulders as he sucked on each of his nipples, growing bolder at the sound of Jon’s husky moans.  

Slowly, he slid his hands down Jon’s chest, across his abs to his hips. He lowered his mouth again and began licking a trail down his stomach, stopping to suck at the tender skin around his belly button. Jon squirmed under his touch, desperate to feel Brian’s mouth on him. Brian pressed small nervous kisses to the skin beneath Jon’s navel and then over to his hips. Finally, he told himself to quit hesitating and just do it. “Brian…” Jon whispered, his voice a plea. He looked down into Brian’s eyes, his gaze reinforcing that plea. Brian took Jonathan’s hips in his hands and licked his lips. Slowly he lowered his head and let his tongue dart out to lick the tip of Jon’s hard cock. Jon moaned in surprise and pleasure. He had to force himself not to grab Brian’s head and push himself into his warm mouth. When he glanced down he moaned again softly, the sight of Brian in that position giving him pleasurable chills. 

Brian wanted to do more. He slid his tongue across the hot, satiny flesh from base to tip, surprised to find he was enjoying this much more than he had anticipated. When he glanced up at Jon’s face he was further encouraged. His gorgeous façade was a mask of painful pleasure. His eyes were glazed over, his lower lip clenched between his teeth and a fine sheen of sweat covered his skin. Brian wanted to give him so much more. 

Keeping a hand on one of his hips, he moved his other and grabbed the base of Jon’s shaft in it, and then lowered his mouth. He took the tip of him between his lips and sucked gently, again surprised by the fact that he seemed to like this so much. “Oh fuck Brian…” Jon hissed, pushing his head back into the pillow. Brian liked the fact that he could cause Jon to react in such a way. His nerves mostly forgotten he went further, running his tongue over the soft flesh as he took more and more of his cock into his mouth. Jon couldn’t stop himself from sliding his fingers into Brian’s hair and tugging lightly on the strands, but he managed not to force him any further. Brian removed his hand from the base of his shaft and placed it back onto Jon’s other hip. He took more, willing and eager to please, relaxing his throat and letting Jonathan slip deeper. Jon gazed down at him through passion-filled eyes, tugging over and over at his soft curls as he watched Brian suck him. 

He moaned loudly when he felt himself hit the back of Brian’s throat. “Oh God…Brian…” He moaned when Brian drew back to suck on the tip for a few seconds before swallowing his length again. For someone who had never given a blowjob before, Brian knew just what to do. He alternated between sucking and licking at the tip of him and sucking him deeply into his warm, wet mouth.  

“Oh Jesus Bri that’s good,” Jon gasped as Brian took him deep again, his fingers squeezing his hips. “I’m so…close Bri,” he moaned breathlessly. He managed to lift his head slightly again, surprised to find Brian’s eyes staring back up at him with a mixture of lust and power in his eyes. He made Jon feel incredibly vulnerable and he loved it. Brian stared at him intently and drew his cock deeply into his mouth again, swirling his tongue over the soft skin. Jon lost his control; his head dropped back onto the pillow and he gripped tightly to Brian’s head. Brian caressed the skin of Jon’s hips and sucked him deeper, preparing himself for what he knew was coming. “God Brian…fuck!” Jon moaned, instinctively holding Brian close to him as he finally came. Brian watched Jon through upturned eyes, trying his best to swallow all that he could. He couldn’t get over the fact that he had been the reason Jon looked that way…flushed and sweaty, his eyes squeezed shut in pleasure. That knowledge aroused Brian to no end. As Jon’s hands fell to the side of his body, Brian finally let him slip from his mouth. 

Jon’s eyes fluttered open and he looked up into Brian’s eyes. He smiled weakly, his body still lax from his orgasm. But he sat up, kneeling in front of him, and took Brian’s face in his hands, knowing that he would need reassurance. He kissed him gently, running his tongue over his lips and chin, licking up what had escaped Brian’s mouth. “God Bri, that was so good,” Jon murmured, his fingers running lightly up and down Brian’s back. “Really?” Brian whispered, laying his head on Jon’s shoulder and nipping at the skin below his ear as his arms slipped around his waist. Jon sighed softly and squeezed his body tightly. “Yes,” he whispered, letting his hands slip down to Brian’s hips. 

Brian moaned softly against his neck when Jon pulled his pelvis against his own, rubbing his cock against Brian’s. “I want you Bri…so much,” he said softly, his voice low and husky. Jon found Brian’s mouth and kissed him passionately, his tongue pushing its way into his mouth to tangle with Brian’s. Brian couldn’t get enough of him, and each kiss, every touch, was making him painfully aware of just how much he wanted all that Jonathan could offer. Jon slid his hand down Brian’s chest, not stopping until it was closed around his cock. He stroked him slowly as he continued to kiss him, loving the way Brian was whimpering and squirming under his touch. But he wanted Brian to tell him what he wanted. He wanted to hear him say it. 

“Jon…” Brian whispered against his lips, his hands desperately clutching at him as he breathed deeply. “Hmm? What is it baby?” Jon asked softly, his voice low and breathy. “Jon please…I want to…” He stopped, nervous and unsure how to say exactly what he wanted. He moaned and pushed himself into Jon’s hand as he increased the speed of his strokes. “What do you want Brian?” Jon asked seductively, running his tongue over Brian’s lips. “You,” Brian gasped, threading his fingers through Jon’s hair and holding him still so he could kiss him deeply. Jon moaned low in his throat at Brian’s actions. “I wanna…be inside you,” Brian whispered hotly against his lips. “I…Jon I wanna fuck you,” he said in a low voice, opening his eyes to stare into Jonathan’s. Jon kissed him in response and wrapped both arms around Brian’s waist. 

After a few seconds he released his body and smiled gently. He reached across the bed to grab the lube off of the bedside table, smiling at Brian when he blushed. Jon poured some of it into his hand and once again began stroking Brian’s cock, spreading the lube. Brian bit his lip to keep his impending moans at bay and received Jon’s eager kisses. “Now Jon please,” he begged, running his hands desperately up and down Jon’s arms. Jonathan said nothing, only lay back on the bed and pushed a pillow beneath his hips. He raised his knees slightly, opening himself. He looked up into Brian’s lust-filled eyes and beckoned him closer. 

“I want you so bad Brian,” he said softly. “Come inside me…I want you now,” he whispered when Brian moved between his legs. His fingers dug into Jonathan’s thighs as he began to push himself inside of him. “Oh God…” he moaned at the first sensations, unable to believe that it felt this good. He had expected a lot, but this was…this was unbelievable. Brian looked down into Jon’s eyes. “Jon it’s…oh God, I…” Jon understood exactly what he was feeling; knowing that the first time was always an incredible shock. “I know Bri,” he whispered.  

Jonathan bent his knees back further as Brian pushed in more, letting him slip deeper. He couldn’t get enough; the sweet sensations of painful pleasure tore through his body as Brian filled him. And watching him made it even worse. Brian’s face was flushed and sweaty, his curls damp against his forehead. His eyes were glazed over with pleasure, showing exactly how lost he was. Brian moaned incoherently as he sunk completely inside of Jonathan, his head falling forward and his eyes closing.  

He stayed that way for a few moments, wanting to stay buried in Jon’s hot tightness for as long as possible. He had never felt anything so good. His eyes opened when he heard Jonathan moan his name. “Brian…move,” he demanded, his eyes burning into Brian’s, his legs wrapping around his waist. Brian complied eagerly, pulling out slightly and quickly pushing back in. “Fuck…you feel so good,” Jon hissed, his body jerking in surprise and pleasure as the head of Brian’s cock pushed into his prostate. 

Brian bit down on his lip and squeezed tightly to Jonathan’s hips as he began moving within him. The two of them stared into each other’s eyes as much as they could, eager to see the other’s reaction to everything. “Jon…you feel so good,” Brian moaned, knowing that no matter how badly he wanted this to last, he was very close to coming. “You’re so tight…so fucking good,” Brian gasped as Jon pulled Brian down onto him. Their lips met, opening for one another immediately, their tongues filling each other’s mouths.  

“Harder Bri,” Jon moaned into his mouth. “God it’s so good…I’m so close…make me cum Brian…” he begged. They kissed each other harder, their hands groping each other’s bodies, needing to touch all they could. Brian thrust into him again and again until he could take no more. He moaned Jon’s name loudly as he came, his orgasm washing over him powerfully. Jonathan’s head fell back as he clutched tightly to Brian, coming hotly between their bodies. When the intense pleasure finally abated, the two of them collapsed. Brian pulled out of him slowly and sunk down into his arms. 

They kissed one another softly, licking and sucking gently at each other’s mouths, as their hands lazily roamed one another’s bodies. “God Brian…that was fantastic,” Jon whispered, kissing him gently. Brian smiled sweetly and kissed him back. He settled himself against Jon’s chest, sighing happily when the other man’s arms wrapped around his back. They fell asleep that way minutes later, not waking up until late in the day. 

***

They didn’t leave Jonathan’s apartment once the entire week. Almost all of their time was spent making love. And when they weren’t doing that they were snuggled in each other’s arms on Jon’s bed or his couch or out on the balcony…just so they were always touching. They spent a lot of that time talking about anything and everything. Brian talked about Backstreet, about his fears to tell his friends the truth, and occasionally about Nick. Jon told him about his family, his difficulties in getting them to accept his sexuality and of his few short-lived relationships. 

Jon liked to watch Brian sleep. He held him in his arms every night and watched him for as long as his eyelids would stay open. It was in those moments that he realized that what they were doing was dangerous for him. He knew he was going to lose his heart, but he couldn’t stop, couldn’t turn Brian away.  

Brian loved being able to be so free. He didn’t have to hide anything with Jon. There were no secrets to keep. And at times he was even surprised to find himself wishing that he could fall in love with Jonathan. He wished things were simpler and that no one else held his heart. But as safe and secure as Jon made him feel…his heart still beat only for Nick. 

“Jon?” Brian called again, sounding eager and childish. Jon laughed as he quickly slipped out of the bathroom and shut the door behind him. “I swear to God, you are the most impatient thing…” He smiled and wrapped his arms around Brian’s naked waist. Brian moaned as he felt Jon’s body press into his. Jon leaned down to capture Brian’s lips in a soft kiss and slid his hands slowly up his back. Brian responded eagerly to the kiss and threw his arms around Jonathan’s shoulders.  

“Can I have my surprise now?” Brian asked childishly against Jon’s lips. Jon laughed and kissed his forehead. “Yes Bri-Bri, you can have your surprise,” he replied, talking as if he were speaking to a spoiled child. “Close your eyes,” he whispered as he pulled back and took Brian’s hand in his own. “And don’t peek!” He scolded when he saw Brian doing just that. Brian giggled. “Ok, ok I won’t look, I swear!” Jon laughed and opened the bathroom door. He guided Brian into the room and moved so that he was standing behind him. He wrapped his arms around Brian’s waist and kissed his shoulder. 

“Open your eyes,” he whispered as he settled his chin on Brian’s shoulder. Brian gripped tightly to Jon’s arms as he looked around the room. It was filled with candles; they were scattered everywhere around the large bathtub. Bubbles filled that tub, looking inviting and warm. Brian turned around and kissed Jon sweetly, blushing all the while. Jon loved the surprised look in his eyes and his flushed cheeks; it gave him butterflies in his stomach. He broke Brian’s soft kiss reluctantly and led him to the tub. He stepped up and into the hot water, staring into Brian’s eyes as he sank down into the bubbles. Once he was comfortable, he smiled devilishly at Brian and raised his hand. He bent his index finger and motioned him closer. Eagerly, Brian climbed into the tub and lowered himself into the steamy water so that he was sitting across from Jonathan. 

“C’mere Bri,” Jon called softly, his voice husky with desire as he beckoned him closer with his finger again. Brian crawled forward anxiously, moaning softly in pleasure when Jon grabbed him and pulled him against his body. “You’re so beautiful,” Jon murmured as he began planting soft kisses all over Brian’s face, neck and shoulders, unable to get enough of him. 

Brian settled himself between Jonathan’s legs so that they sat facing one another. He wrapped his legs around his waist and pulled him close until they were pressed tightly together. Jon did the same and closed his legs around Brian, framing his face with his hands. They both moaned as their cocks touched, delicious heat waves washing over both of them. Anxious to taste him, Brian pressed his mouth to Jon’s and eagerly slid his tongue between his soft lips. They kissed each other deeply, passionately, their tongues sliding over each other and tasting all that they could. Their wet, soapy bodies slid against each other easily. Mouths sucked eagerly at each other, at their chins, necks, ears. Hands fisted in one another’s damp hair, tangling and pulling each other closer before wandering desperately over wet, slick skin. 

Jon’s hands found Brian’s hips as Brian continued devouring his mouth. He pulled Brian closer and slid his hand around to his stomach. He closed his hand around both of their cocks, pushing them tightly together as he stroked them both slowly. Brian threw back his head and moaned Jon’s name. Jon took advantage of him and leaned forward to suck and nibble at his exposed neck. Brian began moving with Jon, rocking his body to meet his every stroke, desperately clutching at his back to pull him closer and make him move faster, harder.  

“God Bri…you look so…fucking hot,” he panted, unable to take his eyes from the heated beauty in his arms. “Fuck Jon…that’s so good,” Brian gasped, twisting his fingers in his hair and crashing their mouths together. He kissed him desperately, sucking on his lips, his tongue, needing to touch every crevice of his mouth. They were both close, the slickness of their bodies rubbing against each other as they kissed and moaned only bettered Jon’s feverish strokes. “Look at me Brian,” Jon begged when he knew they were both about to cum. Brian hovered close; their foreheads pressed together, their eyes locked. Jon slid his free hand into Brian’s curls to the back of his neck and forced him to stay that way. He knew how much Brian liked to close his eyes whenever he came, but he wanted to see everything that happened in those crystal blue pools when he fell over the edge. 

“I wanna watch you,” he whispered, never breaking their stare. With a few last desperate strokes and movements, the two of them came together, moaning loudly. Brian forced himself to keep looking into Jon’s eyes, knowing that was what he wanted, as he came hard, his fingers digging into Jon’s shoulders, his teeth biting his lower lip. Jon moaned his name as he came, his pleasure all the more intense because of the look in Brian’s eyes. It was amazing to watch those innocent blue orbs darken and glaze over with pleasure. Brian was the epitome of sexiness like that. His hair damp and curled, his whole body flushed and tingling with pleasure, his lips swollen and red from kisses…Jon loved it. 

After a few soft kisses and caresses, they broke apart. Jon settled himself back against the tub and stretched his legs out in front of him. Brian leaned into him, resting his back on Jon’s chest and laid his head on his shoulder. He gazed up into his eyes, eagerly receiving his soft kisses before sighing contently and weaving his fingers through Jonathan’s. They sat that way silently for some time, reveling in each other’s soft touch, watching the candle light dance across the water that peeked out from under the bubbles.  

“Brian?” Jon asked lazily, absently trailing his fingers over Brian’s hands and arms. “Hmm?” Brian responded, so content and comfortable he was sure he could purr. “Sing something for me,” he requested softly. “What?” Brian asked, surprised, sitting up somewhat. That was the last thing he had expected Jon to say. “Why?” Jon laughed softly and pulled Brian back down onto his chest. “Because, I don’t think I ever really heard you sing, and because…” he stopped, embarrassed suddenly. Brian turned his head slightly and looked up at Jon, smiling when he saw his flushed cheeks. “Why Jon?” He asked softly, his voice warm. “Just because…well, I just want to hear you, that’s all,” he replied softly. Brian smiled and reached up to cup Jon’s cheek in his hand. He pulled him down for a soft kiss. “Ok,” he murmured against his lips. Jon smiled, somewhat surprised, tightening his hold on Brian as he turned around and lay back down again. 

Can you really want me more than for a little while?  

What are the stories hiding there behind your smile?  

Wishes in a dream and figures in a world that I could share  

And everywhere  

 

Will you be there for me  

Will there ever come a day when all the world can see  

Things were meant to be that way  

Will you be there for me?  

Can you hear the people say  

That you're just  

There for me 

Will you be there for me, every time I go away  

Will you be there for me, thinking of me everyday  

Are you my destiny, words I never dared to say  

Will you be there for me? 

“That…that was gorgeous,” Jonathan breathed, infinitely glad that Brian couldn’t see his face. He was close to tears. Brian’s words were the words that continuously repeated themselves in his own head. He knew that this week with Brian was becoming more and more hazardous to his heart by the minute. And Brian’s voice…yes, he had heard Backstreet Boys before but he never listened closely, being that it wasn’t really his type of music. But Brian’s voice was amazing. It sent shivers down his spine, making the words that much sweeter, that much more painful to hear. “It’s not finished,” Brian said softly, running his fingers over the back of Jon’s hands that lay around his stomach. “You wrote that?” Jon asked, his voice full of wonder and something much stronger that he didn’t want to face. “Yeah,” Brian replied. “You…you really liked it that much?” Brian asked, still touched by the fact that Jon had called it gorgeous. “Brian it was beautiful,” he said softly. “Thank you,” Brian whispered, shutting his eyes again and leaning fully back into Jon’s embrace. 

Jon squeezed his eyes shut as he tightened his arms around Brian. He knew in that moment that the inevitable had happened. He was falling in love with Brian and there was nothing he could do to stop it. 

***

They had one more night. Both of them knew it, but neither wanted to say anything. They both held the impossible hope that maybe, if they didn’t talk about it, somehow it wouldn’t be true. Jonathan made them pancakes late in the morning, which the two of them ate in bed, feeding each other little bits of food, interrupting their meal quite often with kisses and caresses. By late afternoon they had already had sex once. Brian had cornered him in the kitchen, pretending to spill a glass of water all over Jon’s shirt and then being overly anxious to help him take it off. Things had progressed quickly after that and neither had been willing to wait long enough to move things into the bedroom or even the nearby living room. 

They spent the early part of the evening wrapped in each other’s arms on the couch, watching television and eating dinner. The two of them laid that way for a long time, saying nothing, just content to be in one another’s arms. Brian wasn’t ready to go back to reality and have to resume his ‘secret’ life. This week had left him more relaxed and happy than he had been in a long time, although deep down he couldn’t help admitting that he missed Nick. Jonathan was desperate for something that could possibly make Brian stay longer. He couldn’t bear to think that Brian would be gone the next day. 

After a while, Brian finally turned around in Jon’s arms and reached up to cup his cheek in his hand. “It’s our last night together baby,” he murmured softly, planting small kisses on Jon’s chin and cheeks. Jonathan squeezed him tightly and shut his eyes. “I know Brian,” he whispered, trying not to reveal his heartache. He didn’t want to make Brian feel bad or guilty in any way. After all, Jonathan had been the one to ask him to stay. Brian couldn’t be held accountable for the way he felt now. 

Without a word, the two of them stood up, arms around each other’s backs, and moved into the bedroom. They undressed each other slowly, kissing softly as they made their way to Jon’s bed. As they continued to kiss and touch each other tenderly, Jon’s feelings got the best of him. He started to cry as Brian began kissing his neck. “Don’t…rush anything Bri…please,” he begged desperately, his voice shaking. “Make…please make it last,” he whispered, holding Brian tightly and kissing his shoulder. He really didn’t even realize what he was saying or doing. He just thought that if he could hold Brian, keep him in his arms for as long as he could that something might change and he might stay. 

Brian heard the pain in his voice and he pulled back, worried. His heart ached when he saw Jon’s tears. “What’s wrong?” He whispered, running his fingers through his hair, hoping to soothe him. “Jon, why are you crying?” He asked sweetly. Jon squeezed his eyes shut and tightened his grip on him. Brian frowned as more tears slipped down his cheeks. He pulled Jonathan even closer and gently ran his fingers over his cheeks, wiping away his tears. “Please tell me what’s wrong…” he pleaded with the blonde, pressing his lips to his eyelids, absorbing more of his tears. 

Finally Jon opened his eyes again, and fixed his sad gaze on Brian. “I…I did the one thing that I…told myself I couldn’t,” he whispered, his lower lip quivering. Brian waited patiently for his explanation, soothing him with small kisses and caresses all the while. Jon swallowed hard as he looked into Brian’s eyes and took a deep breath. He knew he had to tell him now…he wanted to tell him in hopes it might somehow get him to stay. “I fell in love with you,” Jon whispered sadly as tears slid down his cheeks. 

Brian’s eyes widened in surprise and he unconsciously gripped Jonathan tighter. “You…in love with me?” Brian asked softly, his heart beating loudly in his chest. Jon nodded and smiled sadly. “I couldn’t help myself…you’re so sweet, so amazing…no one has ever made me feel the way you have Brian. And I told myself to be careful…I mean, I had trouble letting you go the last time, in Europe. I knew what might happen but I…you got under my skin and stole my heart away,” he said sadly. “And all the while I knew it was hopeless,” he went on, bringing his hand to Brian’s face. “I mean besides the obvious fact that you couldn’t stay with me even if you wanted to because of the group and everything…there’s Nick.” Brian winced and bit down on his lip. The last thing he had wanted was for Jonathan to get hurt by this week. He had come to care for him deeply. Jon would always hold a special place in his heart, but the fact remained that he was undeniably in love with his best friend. And it seemed that nothing could change that. 

“Jon,” he began softly, running his hands up and down Jon’s back and trying to take away his pain. “I don’t know what to say. You have no idea how special you’ve made me feel all week. I’ve never felt so important and so…treasured. And now…God, you’ve made it even more intense. Jon, I can’t remember anyone ever telling me they were in love with me before,” he said softly, his voice shy and sweet. “You have no idea how that makes me feel. And a part of me wishes that…Jon, part of me wishes I wasn’t in love with Nick. Because if I fell for you then…you’d love me back, we could…be together, but…” he faltered, unsure how to go on without making Jon hurt anymore. “But you can’t choose who you love Brian,” Jon finished for him. “I know that,” he went on. “I don’t blame you for anything…I knew what I was getting into. You’re just…God Brian, you’re just going to be so hard to get over.” Despite his best efforts, his voice broke on his last words and his tears ran down his cheeks.  

Brian swallowed hard over the lump in his throat, trying not to cry too. Seeing Jon this way…seeing him so upset over him broke his heart. “I’m sorry baby,” he whispered, kissing away his tears and holding him tightly. “I never meant to hurt you Jon!” Jon took his face in his hands and kissed him tenderly. “Don’t be sorry Bri,” he whispered against his mouth. “I’ll never regret a second of this week.” “Neither will I,” Brian whispered fiercely, holding tightly to Jon’s trembling body. “Let me make love to you Brian,” Jon murmured softly as he kissed him. Brian kissed him back passionately, wanting to let him know just how much he wanted him. 

They made love slowly and passionately that night, trying their best to make it last as long as possible. Jon memorized every touch, every moan and he couldn’t stop the tears that fell as he came, their arms wrapped around each other as they shuddered in pleasure. Brian could feel his lover’s heartache with every touch and kiss. It made him hold him tighter, kiss him deeper…anything that he thought might possibly take away Jon’s pain. They lay still afterwards for a long time, side by side, staring into each other’s eyes and kissing softly. When Brian finally fell asleep, Jon watched him for a very long time, caressing his body gently and kissing him whenever he felt the need. “I love you,” he whispered as he ran his trembling fingers down Brian’s cheek and across his lips. He leaned over and kiss him gently, unable to prevent the tears that slid down his cheeks. “I love you,” he repeated once more before pulling Brian as close as possible and drifting away to sleep. 

***

Brian didn’t want to leave; he lingered as long as he possibly could. When they woke up, neither of them said anything for a very long while. They were both desperately trying to avoid the inevitable. Brian kissed him softly, wrapping his arms around him tightly and holding on for as long as possible. Jon held back tears as he kissed Brian, pulling him close and wishing there was a way to make him stay. But even if he could…even if it was somehow possible for him to escape his image and his place with Backstreet it wouldn’t matter. Jon knew that the real reason Brian could never be his wasn’t because of his celebrity status. It was because of Nick. As much as he tried to hide it, Jon could see the love in Brian’s eyes for his best friend and just how deep it ran. He found himself imagining what it would be like if Brian would look at him with that much love…but the thought only depressed him further so he tried not to think about it. 

Eventually, Brian broke away from Jon and tried his best to smile. This was hard for him. This week had turned into so much more than just sex for both of them. Brian had come to care for Jon more than he had ever thought he would, and the fact that his leaving was going to hurt the blonde hurt Brian terribly. The last thing he wanted was for Jon to be hurt and upset because of him. He wondered what it would be like if he could fall for Jon…what a relationship with him would be like. But those thoughts were always blocked by one thing. Nick. No matter how much he cared for Jonathan, it was nothing compared to the love he felt for Nick. And as saddened as he was by their week being over, he couldn’t help admitting how happy he was knowing that he’d be seeing Nick today. 

“I’m gonna take a shower,” Brian said softly, tracing his fingers down Jon’s cheek. Jon nodded and leaned forward for a sweet kiss. “Go ahead…I’ll make us some breakfast.” Brian nodded, lingering for a few more moments and looking into Jon’s blue eyes before getting out of bed. As soon as Jonathan heard the water start to run in the shower, he let his tears fall. He cursed himself saying that he should have known better. It wasn’t as if he had gone into this week blindly. He had known from the beginning that Brian was in love with his best friend. And he hadn’t expected to change that…hell, he hadn’t wanted to. The last thing he had been looking for was a serious relationship with someone. But it didn’t matter. Brian was leaving today and Jonathan doubted if they’d ever even see one another again. 

“I just made some eggs,” Jon said softly when Brian appeared in the kitchen, fully dressed. Brian nodded and went to the refrigerator for some orange juice. They ate in silence, both still trying to avoid talking about the fact that Brian would be leaving in less than an hour. Brian glanced at Jonathan every so often, noting with a heavy heart his red and swollen eyes. He could tell that he had been crying, but he didn’t comment on it. 

After they ate, Brian packed the small amount of items he had brought. He took a deep breath as he looked around Jon’s bedroom, memories of things they’d done flashing through his mind. What he had told Jonathan was true. He would never regret a minute of their week together. Jon would never know how much he had done for Brian. He had set him free, even if it had only been for a little while, and he had lifted the constant ache from his heart. 

He found Jon waiting for him in the living room, nervously and quickly flipping through television channels, although his eyes stared unseeingly at the screen. He didn’t look up when Brian came into the room, though his body tensed and he bit his lip unconsciously. “Jon…” Brian said softly, knowing how hard this was going to be. Jonathan shut off the TV and took a deep breath. Trying to be strong, he stood up and met Brian’s gaze with a shaky smile. But the minute he looked into those loving blue eyes he faltered and his smile faded. 

Brian swallowed hard over the lump in his throat and blinked back his own tears as he watched Jonathan begin to cry. He moved quickly, walking over to where the blonde stood and pulling him into his arms. “Shh…please don’t cry,” he whispered into his ear as his hands ran up and down his back. “I’m…s-sorry Brian,” Jon responded softly, his voice trembling as he held onto Brian desperately. “No…Jon, it’s ok,” Brian went on, trying his best to soothe him. He pulled back and looked into his eyes, reaching up to wipe away the tears that fell down his cheeks.  

“I want you to know that this week has meant so much to me,” Brian said softly, securing an arm around Jon’s waist as he continued to smooth the skin of his face with his other hand. “You’ve showed me so much, given me confidence and made me feel free. I haven’t been so happy or relaxed in a very long time. And Jonathan if I could give you back even a fraction of what you feel for me I would but…God, Jon, I never meant to hurt you. It was the very last thing that I wanted,” he finished, his voice full of pain. His heart ached for the man who had unselfishly given him so much. “I wish there was something I could do to take away your pain but….” 

“You can’t,” Jon answered sadly. “But I don’t blame you for that, and I know you didn’t want to hurt me. None of this is your fault Brian…I knew what I was getting into. Please don’t ever blame yourself for anything ok? I couldn’t bear it if you came to regret this week or--” “Never,” Brian whispered, placing his fingers on Jon’s lips. “I’ll never regret it, and I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat,” he said sincerely. Jon smiled, even as his eyes filled with tears again. “So would I.” He leaned down and captured Brian’s mouth with his own, kissing him softly yet passionately. Brian held him tightly as he responded, melting into Jon and giving him everything he could in that last kiss. 

They kept their arms around each other when they broke their kiss. Jon walked him to the door; doing everything he could to prevent his tears from falling. “Just tell the doorman you were with me and he’ll get you a ride back to the hotel,” Jon said softly. Brian nodded and thanked him. Unable to resist, Jonathan pulled Brian into a tight embrace one last time. “Promise me that you’ll be happy Brian,” he whispered, as he memorized the feel of Brian’s body in his arms, and breathed in his scent. “I want you to be happy,” he went on honestly. He truly wished with all of his heart that Brian would be able to find the strength and courage to admit his sexuality to his friends, and maybe even tell Nick how he felt about him. “I swear,” Brian replied softly, hoping that someday he would be able to make good on that promise.  

Finally, there was nothing left to say or do and despite the fact that neither wanted to, they broke apart. “Good bye Jonathan…thank you for everything,” he whispered as tears began forming in his eyes. “You don’t have to thank me,” Jon replied softly. “Good bye Brian…” Brian opened the door and looked back at him sadly once more. Jonathan didn’t try to stop the tears that now fell down his cheeks as he looked into those blue eyes he loved so much. Brian kissed his fingertips and pressed them to Jon’s lips. Jon repeated his actions and smiled tenderly as he pressed his fingers to Brian’s mouth. Brian smiled back at him once more and then quickly turned and left, knowing that he stayed a second longer, he might break down and not leave at all. 

Jonathan watched him go, unable to tear his eyes away until Brian stepped onto the elevator and disappeared. Slowly he shut his door and leaned his head back against it. He sank to the floor and pulled his knees up to his chest. “I love you Brian,” he sobbed, burying his tears in his hands. “I love you so much,” he whispered as his broken heart overtook him.  

***

Brian sighed sadly as he unpacked his small bag and threw his clothes into his suitcase again. He thought, again, of Jonathan and his tearful goodbye. He hated the thought of knowing that Jon would be suffering now because of him. Lying down on the bed, he put his hands behind his head and stared up at the ceiling. He smiled happily to himself as memories of the past week flooded his mind. It was amazing how different he felt now, although the thought of telling anyone his secret still terrified him. But he felt more peaceful and confident over all. And for the first time, he truly began to believe, that with time, he might be able to tell his family and friends about his sexuality. 

Nick arrived back at the hotel about two hours later and Brian’s heartbeat sped up in a way it hadn’t all week at the first sound of his best friend’s voice. Nick’s smile lit up the room as soon as he opened the door. Brian smiled back broadly and practically ran to meet him. Nick dropped all of his bags and pulled Brian into a tight hug, which the older man eagerly received. 

“I missed you Bri!” Nick exclaimed happily as that feeling of security Brian’s embrace always provided washed over him. Brian sighed happily and squeezed his body tighter. “I missed you too Nicky,” he said softly. They pulled apart after a few moments and Brian helped Nick carry his bags into the room. Brian asked Nick how his family was doing and how his trip was. Nick babbled on eagerly for a while about his week off, while Brian watched him contentedly with a smile. As he listened to him, Brian realized just how much he had missed Nick during their weeklong separation. If he hadn’t been with Jonathan, the separation would have been hell, but everything that had happened to him during the last week had taken his mind off of Nick considerably, until now.  

“You look different Bri,” Nick said suddenly, stopping his flow of words about his trip and looking into his best friend’s eyes. He smiled when Brian met his eyes. “What do you mean Nicky?” He asked nervously. “I mean you look happier…happier than when I left. And…I dunno, you just look like you again,” he said softly, somewhat confused by his own words, but knowing they made sense in his heart. 

Brian didn’t know exactly what to tell him. “I…Nick, I worked a lot of things out this week with myself. Things that have been bothering me for a while…I feel a lot like me again,” he said softly, praying that Nick wouldn’t ask him to elaborate. He still wasn’t ready for that yet. But Nick only smiled and stood up to move from his bed to Brian’s. He sat next to him and gave him another quick hug. “I’m glad,” Nick said softly, smiling into Brian’s eyes. Their gaze held for a brief moment and both of them saw things in each other’s eyes that scared and surprised them. But the moment ended quickly, leaving the both wondering if they had only imagined it. “Come on Bri, let’s go see if AJ or Howie or Kevin are here yet so we can bother them!” Brian laughed and quickly agreed. He smiled to himself as he followed Nick into the hall. Maybe the future wouldn’t be so unbearable after all.  

Chapter 13 – Present

As he stood up, he wondered who was knocking on his door so late. He knew that AJ and Howie had gone out and it was way too early for them to be back, especially since they were in New York again and there were always places to go, and people to run into. Kevin was staying in with Kristin and Nick was…with Mackenzie. It had been almost a month and still, she showed no sign of leaving. Brian avoided her as best he could, dreading any time she ever seemed to get him alone.  

When he peered out the peephole, he saw a mop of familiar blonde hair. Wondering why he was here, Brian quickly opened the door and was met with a pair of tear-stained blue eyes. “Nick?” He said softly, quickly grabbing his arm and pulling him inside. As soon as the door shut, Nick threw his arms around his best friend and buried his face in his shoulder.  

“S-she…Bri, she lied to me,” he sobbed, his body shaking as he clutched tightly to Brian’s back. Brian pulled him towards the bed and they sat down on the edge of it. He pulled back slightly and cupped Nick’s cheek in his hand, his other arm around the younger man’s waist. As he looked into those gorgeous tear-filled eyes, he wanted to cry. He could have prevented this pain, these tears…but he had been too selfish. “What happened Nicky?” He asked quietly, rubbing his thumb over the soft skin of Nick’s cheek. Nick took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down. Brian’s gentle touch made that infinitely easier and he tightened his hold on him almost unconsciously. 

“We were supposed to spend the evening together,” Nick began softly, melting further into Brian’s arms with every sweep of this thumb across his cheek. “But she…she told me that she was leaving because…because we had already had sex and that was all she…wanted from me!” He cried, his lower lip trembling again, tears welling in his eyes. Oh God Mackenzie, you bitch! Brian thought angrily. But the more terrible thought was that he could have prevented it. Brian pulled Nick close again and let him cry. He ran his hands all over his back, up and down his arms and into his hair. Petting him, soothing him…needing him to stop crying for his own sake as well. “Shh…Nicky, don’t cry,” he whispered into his ear, his hot breath giving Nick unexpected chills. 

“I’m sick of trying Bri,” he said softly, content where he was in his best friend’s arms. “No one will ever love me for me,” he went on, his voice sad and small. “They’ll love Nick Carter, blonde-haired, blue-eyed Backstreet Boy; they’ll love my money…never just me. I don’t even know what to look for anymore,” he said softly, his tears fading away to a soft, sad tremble in his voice. He lay his head on Brian’s shoulder, feeling safe and loved where he was now. She couldn’t hurt him with Brian here. Nothing could ever hurt him if Brian was there. 

“It should be someone who makes you happy,” Brian began softly, knowing that Nick hadn’t intended for him to say anything, but he wanted to. He had to make up for the guilt that was plaguing him and Nick needed to be comforted. Nick said nothing, just listened intently as he went on, his low voice soothing him. “Completely happy,” Brian continued. “Not just for a few days or occasionally…someone you can see yourself always being happy with. Even if you’re arguing or upset…that person should still be able to make you content.” Nick sighed, closing his eyes and picturing exactly what Brian was saying. The feel of his breath on Brian’s neck sent shivers through him, and he pulled Nick closer unconsciously. 

“And it should be someone who makes you feel safe, who loves you unconditionally and who you trust with your life,” Brian whispered, shutting his eyes and reaching up to thread his fingers through Nick’s hair. “It should be someone who stops your heart every time you see them. And not just because they’re so beautiful, but because you know that when you look into that person’s eyes, you’ll see yourself there and you’ll see forever.” The two of them held one another tightly, eyes closed, hands moving softly over each other’s bodies… Every word Brian spoke was true to him. He felt all of those things with Nick…even though it would always be one sided. His heart ached at the thought, the feel of Nick’s arms around him only making it worse. But he’d die before he pushed him away. Brian lived for moments like these when he could keep Nick in his arms…keep him in his arms and pretend for a little while, that he belonged to him. 

Brian’s words flowed through Nick slowly, trying to form a point, a message, but he couldn’t grasp it all completely. He squeezed Brian’s body tighter, pressing them together even more. The closer he got to Brian, the more his words seemed to make sense. He sighed softly when he felt Brian’s fingers in his hair. All of those many nights they had spent cuddled together in one another’s arms because of something he had been afraid of, Brian would inevitably comfort him with his embrace and by running his hands through his hair. He listened to Brian’s heartbeat; the sound of him breathing…it was all so familiar and so comforting. After only a few times, Nick had quickly grown addicted to falling asleep in Brian’s arms and for a while had been almost unable to do it without him.  

As they continued to hold each other, Nick replayed the points of Brian’s words over and over again in his mind. Happy. Safe. Loved. He thought back to all the girls he had claimed to have serious relationships with. Had they made him happy? For a little while, yes. Safe? Not really. Loved? Occasionally, but not in the all-consuming way Brian was talking about. He thought about Mackenzie. Yes, she had made his heart stop whenever he had laid eyes on her, but not because he was so incredibly in love with her. Just because she was incredibly beautiful. And their relationship had never progressed far enough for love, safeness or happiness to factor in. Yes, she had made him happy…briefly. But it had been brand new with her, and the beginning of a relationship is always thrilling. Now that he thought about it though, Nick truly couldn’t see himself with her for very long. She had been like all the rest, after only one thing, and once she had gotten it she had left. He sighed again, feeling a little bit foolish for crying and getting so upset over her. It hadn’t been love that he had felt. No, just an intense attraction and desire. 

Nick replayed Brian’s words yet again. Happy. Safe. Loved. Had he ever felt that way with anyone? Yes, you’re feeling it right now... His eyes flew open, though he didn’t move an inch from Brian’s embrace. His heartbeat sped up as his mind raced with thoughts that were brand-new but old at the same time. Thoughts that had always been there, but he had never recognized, never listened to. Happy. Safe. Loved. Brian. He nestled closer to his best friend, breathing in his distinct scent and realizing that he already had it memorized.  

The thought never crossed his mind to hide, to lie, or pretend it wasn’t real. Rejection, disgust…those weren’t among the many things he was feeling right now. All he could feel was Brian; here in his arms, and for the first time he was slowly starting to realize why it had always felt so right. After a few more moments, he took a deep breath and pulled back slightly, just enough so that he could look into the older man’s eyes.  

“You,” he whispered, reaching up and slipping his fingers into Brian’s curls. Brian shivered at the unexpected touch. “You…make me feel all of those things Brian,” Nick went on softly, nervously. Brian froze, completely sure that this was all a dream. Any second now he’d wake up and find himself tangled in his sheets. But Nick didn’t go away. His hand found its way to the back of Brian’s neck as he continued to stare intently into his eyes. No…he doesn’t mean it that way. He means it as a friend, he…but the look in his eyes! He argued with himself, desperate to believe that Nick was realizing that they could have more than friendship, but desperate not to believe it so that he didn’t get his heart broken when he found out he was mistaken.  

“Do you feel it too?” Nick asked, nervous beyond belief. “You’ve always made me feel that way,” he went on, not giving Brian a chance to answer. “But Bri…this is different,” he whispered, his warm breath fanning out over Brian’s face, his lips inches from his friend’s. “Please tell me you feel it too…you…you…please…” He couldn’t put his feelings into words. They were too intense, too passionate. Nick had never felt anything like this in his entire life. He was still unsure as to what it was. But it was rushing through him with intense speed, scaring and calming him all at the same time. Taking him far away and bringing him home simultaneously. And then suddenly it all stopped in his heart, settling there in a tremendous knot of emotions, hopes, dreams and feelings. 

Oh God Nicky yes…I feel it too. I’ve felt it forever but…what if what you’re feeling is different from what I’m begging for? What if I’m wrong…please Nick don’t break my heart. Brian could see something different in Nick’s eyes, something his best friend was still trying to understand. But he had hurt for too long to trust it completely. It all seemed so unreal. After so many years of painful unrequited love…Nick couldn’t just feel it all in a matter of minutes, could he? 

“Brian,” he whispered, still having no idea how to put his feelings into words. “Nick,” Brian replied, staring at him intently, almost seeming to beg him for something. The look in his eyes, the things that he saw there…it floored him. Neither could speak, too frightened by what they were seeing in each other’s eyes. Nick was delightfully nervous, anxious to find out exactly what was happening with Brian. And Brian was desperate to know for sure, terrified to get his hopes up and then be let down. 

Nick needed to know. He needed to find out now, rather than later, what he was feeling. And he didn’t want to wait until the spell was broken. Slowly, never leaving Brian’s eyes, Nick reached up and framed the older man’s face in his hands. Brian blinked and took a deep breath, suddenly very aware of what Nick wanted, what he was determined to do. And while he was still petrified of having his fragile heart broken, he couldn’t resist. Nick swallowed hard and let his fingers caress Brian’s skin. He knew he had to do it now before he lost his nerve. Brian’s hands tightened on his back, almost begging him to make the first move. And so he did. 

He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Brian’s, his eyes falling shut as soon as their mouths met. Oh God, how could I have missed this? Nick wondered instantly, his heart opening and feeling things that he hadn’t even known had existed. Brian wanted to cry. It was perfect, beautiful…after so long, it was everything he had ever wished for and more. Brian pulled him closer, their kiss still light and innocent. He brought one trembling hand to the back of Nick’s neck, pressing him further into the kiss.  

Brian squeezed his eyes shut tightly, unable to believe what was happening. Nicky...oh God please let this be real. Nick kept one hand on Brian’s cheek as he let his other slide down his arm and wrap around his waist. He couldn’t seem to get close enough to his best friend, but he was suddenly too shy to take it a step further.

After a few more moments of their sweet, soft kiss, Brian deepened it, taking Nick’s lower lip between his own and sucking lightly, running his tongue over the silky flesh. Nick nearly moaned in surprise and pleasure, gripping tightly to Brian and willingly allowing his mouth to fall open. Brian ignored whatever warnings were left in his head and continued, slipping his tongue into Nick’s mouth. 

The two of them melted instantly at the taste of one another. Oh God Nicky, so sweet…just like I knew you would be. Neither of them had ever experienced a kiss quite like this. It was thrilling, sweet, passionate…all that and more. Nick’s head was spinning, unable to get enough of Brian’s kiss, Brian’s taste. He was exploring Nick’s mouth ever so gently and slowly, taking the time to feel and savor every crevice of his mouth. 

After a while, they broke their contact ever so slightly to gasp for air, but before either could say anything, Nick kissed him again, needing that safety and that pleasure all over again. This time he took control, gently pushing his tongue past Brian’s sweet lips and tasting his amazing mouth. He made the kiss deeper again, pulling him closer and sweeping his tongue over every inch of Brian. Why is this the first time? Nick wondered intently. Why has this never happened before…when it’s this good, this…right?  

Brian still couldn’t grasp the fact that this was truly happening. Nothing seemed real to him. The feel of Nick in his arms, the warmth of his body, the press of his lips against his, the way he tasted…. It was all too vivid to be a dream, but too perfect to be real. Nick was making his head spin, exploring his mouth eagerly yet tentatively, whimpering softly each time their kiss deepened. Brian could tell how nervous he was, but he knew Nick well enough to know that he was determined to discover everything he could with what was happening between them. Nick slipped his fingers up into Brian’s hair and pulled him closer, kissed him deeper. Brian couldn’t breathe, couldn’t get enough. Oh God Nick...I love you so much. 

Nick, too, was lost, clutching at Brian desperately so that he wouldn’t drift away. As new and frightening as all this was to him, he didn’t want it to stop. Kissing Brian wasn’t strange or uncomfortable. Rather, it was soft, sweet, safe…right. That was the overwhelming feeling…how right it felt. 

This time when they broke apart to breathe, Nick didn’t immediately rush back into another kiss. He wanted to see Brian’s eyes, to see if what he was feeling was there in his friend’s eyes too. Brian felt Nick’s fingers on his face, knew he was waiting for him to open his eyes. But Brian was terrified that Nick would see too much; he knew he couldn’t hide his love, not right now.  

“Brian,” Nick said softly, his voice low and breathy. “Open your eyes…please,” he begged sweetly. Brian heard the desperation in his voice and complied, not wanting Nick to be afraid. What he saw in Nick’s gaze made him want to cry. Confusion, passion, curiosity and…something deeper. He smiled softly into those crystal blue eyes, cupping Nick’s face in his hand. Nick leaned closer again, wrapping his arms tightly around his best friend and resting his head on his forehead. 

“Bri, I’m so scared right now,” Nick whispered, staring straight into Brian’s eyes. “But I…I…” he faltered and tugged lightly on Brian’s hair with one hand. “But you don’t want these feelings to stop?” Brian asked him softly, finishing his thought. Nick bit his lip and nodded. “What about you Bri?” Nick asked, his voice barely audible, his eyes shining with newfound emotion. “Do you feel the same way?” He asked, the hope Brian heard in his voice made his heart soar. Please let it be true...let him want me too. 

Before he answered, he pressed his lips softly to Nick’s once more, never breaking their eye contact. And then he nodded, smiling when Nick smiled, squeezing him tighter when Nick did the same. “Bri, I…I don’t understand any of this but I…don’t want it to stop,” Nick babbled on, needing to fill the nervous space between them with noise. He was elated that Brian was feeling the same things. Nothing in his life had ever felt this way. Never this good, this right, this amazing. Brian smiled brightly when he found himself engulfed in his warm arms again. Nick held him tightly, resting his head on his shoulder and running his hands up and down his back. Brian sighed and eagerly returned Nick’s warm embrace.  

“Nick, there’s so much I need to tell you,” He whispered, hardly able to believe that the words had left his mouth. His heart was beating even faster than before, anxious but scared to reveal all of his long held secrets. Nick said nothing, knowing Brian was far from finished, and he knew that he only needed him to listen right now. But before Brian could say anything else, the hotel phone rang jarring them both out of their dreamy little world. Nick pulled back and smiled at him. Brian smiled back and shrugged, indicating that it really didn’t matter. After all, there was no rush. Reluctantly, Nick left the warmth of Brian’s arms and slid across the bed to answer the phone.  

“Hello?” Nick said softly, his voice still warm from Brian’s touch. “Bri, thank God! I need your help…right now,” the voice pleaded, sounding scared and rushed. It took him a few seconds, but Nick soon recognized the voice as Mackenzie’s. Mackenzie calling Brian’s room…asking for Brian. “I owed him money, but I thought he’d gone away. But he didn’t and I…Brian please help me!” She cried, tears audible in her shaking voice. Nick gripped the phone tightly, his face blank, his eyes dull. He shivered, feeling very cold suddenly as his heart constricted in his chest. 

Brian watched him carefully…watched the light go out of his eyes, watched them cloud over with something he couldn’t identify, something he didn’t like. Those eyes turned cold when they met Brian’s and without a word he handed him the phone. Brian swallowed hard and took the receiver. “Hello?” “Brian?!” She asked, confused and scared. “Mack?” He whispered, color draining out of his cheeks. Very quickly Mackenzie realized what had happened. It had been Nick who had first answered the phone, not Brian. As scared as she was right now she hadn’t had time to process his voice. And now Nick knew that Brian knew her. She shut her eyes and took a deep breath. If he didn’t already, Brian would definitely hate her now. 

“Brian, you have to help me,” she whispered. “Please…I owe him money,” she repeated. “He’s here now…Brian he’ll kill me if I don’t get the money!” She said quickly, her voice trembling. “Please Bri…” She begged. “Please…I’m sorry…help me….” “Where are you?” He asked flatly, feeling his heart break and his world collapse as he watched Nick stand up and walk over to the window. She rattled off a club name and address, which he jotted down absently. “How much?” He asked. “T-two thousand,” she whimpered, the tone in Brian’s voice breaking her heart. This wasn’t what she wanted. She hadn’t intended to betray Brian this way, but she honestly couldn’t think of anyone else she could call right now who would want to or be able to help her. 

“I’ll be there right away,” he replied. “Please hurry Bri,” she begged one last time. He hung up the phone and willed himself not to cry. Nick stared out the window, seeing nothing, betrayal turning his blood cold. The one he cared for more than anything…the one he trusted above all others…lied to him, betrayed him. “Nick, I have to go to her…help her,” he said softly, his voice full of pain. How could this happen now? When he’d been so close to a dream come true…it had been yanked out of his grasp before he’d even been able to really experience it. “She needs my help and I don’t want her to get hurt,” he went on, wanting nothing more than to explain everything to his friend. But he knew there was no time now. Nick spun around quickly, his blue eyes flashing with hurt, anger, and betrayal. “I’m going with you,” he whispered. Brian wanted to protest but the tone of his voice left little room for argument. 

The two of them snuck out silently, grabbing Brian’s bodyguard in the process. Neither said a word as he drove them to the destination on the slip of paper. Brian wanted to hold him, explain, to tell him everything, but he knew Nick wouldn’t listen now, and there was no way he would let him touch him. He knew he’d get the chance to explain at some point but…the damage was already done. He’d betrayed him, broken his trust…and he knew just how much Nick trusted him. It’s all your own fault...if you had told him everything sooner.... 

Nick bit down on his lip and blinked back the tears that kept threatening to fall. Why didn’t he tell me that he knew her? How could he lie to me? My Brian...the one who always took care of me, protected me...betrayed me.... He pressed himself as close to the window as he could when he felt hot tears slip down his cheeks. He thought of the kisses they had just shared, the powerful emotions that had left him breathless while he was in Brian’s arms. That wave of hurt and betrayal him hard once more…. How could he do that? Kiss me…give me those feelings…all the while keeping this secret. Nick hugged his chest, trying to keep out the cold. His whole body ached, his heart numbing with pain. 

When they reached the club she had called from the two of them got out quickly and looked around for her. “She said she’d be outside,” Brian said softly. Nick said nothing but walked away from him towards the side of the building. There were only a few people milling around, no one that would take notice of them or care even if they did recognize them. Brian followed Nick nervously, wanting to find her quickly and leave. Their bodyguard followed as Nick walked further into the alleyway between the buildings. Brian hung back slightly, still looking for Mack on the sidewalk.  

“Brian!” He spun around at the sound of Nick’s scream. Quickly he ran to where Nick and his bodyguard stood looking down at the ground. “Mack?!” He knelt down next to her crumpled body, breathing a sigh of relief when her eyes fluttered open. He brushed her hair off of her face and called her name again softly. “Mackenzie?” “Brian…he wouldn’t wait…took what I had and…” “Bri, she’s been shot,” Nick whispered, kneeling down next to his friend and glancing at her stomach. “Oh God…Mack,” Brian whispered, seeing her shirt red and sticky with blood. “Nick, call 9-1-1,” Brian said softly, meeting his frightened blue eyes and trying to remain calm. She winced in pain when Brian pressed her discarded jacket to the wound, trying to stop the bleeding. 

“Look at me babe,” he whispered, pleading with her when her eyes started to dim and shut. “S-sorry…Brian,” she whispered. He shook his head and smiled softly. “No, it’s ok…shh, just lie still and keep looking at me ok?” Brian was terrified, his own problems temporarily forgotten. She looked so pale and she was so still, so fragile looking. And fragile was never a word that came to mind when he thought of Mack. He kept talking to her until the ambulance arrived, making sure she didn’t shut her eyes. She whispered several times that she was sorry, but he always shook his head and told her not to worry. Despite what she had done to him in the past, he knew that her phone call tonight hadn’t been on purpose. And after all, getting shot by someone she owed drug money to hadn’t been planned. 

Nick watched fearfully as the paramedics lifted her onto a stretcher and into the back of the ambulance. He heard her moan Brian’s name, sounding small and scared. Brian heard her too and quickly glanced at Nick, trying to plead with him. Nick nodded, understanding what Brian needed to do. “I’ll meet you there,” Nick whispered. Brian nodded. “Thank you,” he mouthed silently before climbing into the ambulance with Mackenzie. 

He held her hand as they fought to keep her alive, only letting go when her life started slipping away and they needed more room to work. He didn’t try to stop his tears as he heard their words about how serious her injury was. And when they reached the hospital, he watched silently as they took her away, moving absently to the waiting room that someone directed him to. Nick found him there ten minutes later, hardly able to believe that this night was real. First those kisses, those feelings, then Brian’s betrayal, and now Mackenzie was fighting for her life. Brian looked up when he sensed someone watching him and met Nick’s eyes. He wanted to run to him, hold him tightly and forget everything else. But he couldn’t…. He knew that Nick no longer trusted him…hell, he probably doubted that he even knew Brian at all. A sea of secrets, lies and broken trust separated them. But she was more important right now to both of them. Nick sat down next to him, neither of them saying a word, and they waited. 

A little while later a doctor came in and asked if they were her family. Brian just nodded, not wanting to lie, but knowing that Mack had no family. He told them what Brian had feared most. She had lost a very large amount of blood, they couldn’t stabilize her and she was too weak to perform surgery on. “She’s bleeding internally, but there’s nothing we can do right now to stop it because her vital signs are so low and we can’t operate. We have to wait.” Brian only nodded and ran his hands through his hair. “Is there anyone else you want to call…to tell them about her? Because you should do it now,” the doctor said solemnly, his voice kind but serious. Brian nodded. “You can see her in a few minutes as soon as we get her settled. I’ll send someone in to let you know, ok?” Brian nodded again and thanked him softly. 

Nick looked at him in surprise, wondering whom on earth he was going to call. For the first time he began to wonder how exactly Brian knew Mack. Before, all he could think of was that he did know her, but now it had begun to settle in and he wanted to know how, why, when, where. He had a ton of questions he wanted to ask Brian, but knew he had to wait. Reluctantly, Brian took out his cell phone and searched through his numbers until he found the right one. He knew this would only increase Nick’s distrust. Another secret, another hidden part of his life. And Nick was his best friend…supposedly the one to know him best. 

“Jonathan…it’s Brian,” he said softly when the other man picked up. “Brian?!” Jonathan was more than shocked to receive a phone call from him, after so long and out of nowhere. To his surprise though, he felt no tug at his heart when he heard Brian’s voice. He truly had gotten over him. It had taken him such a long time after Brian had left to mend his broken heart. He had never loved anyone the way he had loved Brian, and it had been so hard to just go on with his life after everything they had shared. But eventually the tears had been less frequent and the heartache had lessened. And then, after a while, he had been able to smile again, to look at other guys and he knew that he would be all right. But he had always known that the ultimate test would be if and when the day ever came that he would hear from Brian again. And now he had…and he was still ok. 

“What’s up?” “It’s Mackenzie, she…Jon, she’s been shot.” He went on and explained what had happened, answering Jon’s questions as best he could and telling him to hurry. Brian glanced at Nick after he hung up but the blonde wasn’t looking at him. He had pulled his knees up to his chest and turned away. Brian almost said something, started to explain, but the doctor chose that moment to return, telling him that he could see her now. He hesitated for only a second, torn between seeing Mack and explaining things to Nick, but he knew that, right now, Mackenzie was more important. 

A nurse led him to the ICU and over to where she lay. To his surprise she was awake, which had been the last thing he had expected. He smiled brightly and sat down on the chair at her bedside, reaching out to take her hand between his own. He didn’t know what to say, where to start. How was he supposed to stay positive with her when he knew she was dying? “Brian,” she whispered, her voice low and pained. He squeezed her hand and shook his head. “Mack you don’t have to say anything…I just--” “I need to Bri,” she interrupted softly, her eyes pleading with him to listen. He nodded, unable to deny her anything right now. For all she’d put him through he still had a soft spot for her, pitied her and knew above all that she wanted to be loved. “I’m sorry,” she said quietly. It was obvious that even this little bit of talking and movement was painful for her. “Sorry for everything I’ve ever done to you,” she went on, her eyes filling with tears. “I’ve hurt you so many times and I never wanted to…Brian, I love you,” she said simply, staring into his kind blue eyes. “I’ve always loved you…everything I ever did was…” She shut her eyes in pain, squeezing his hand and biting her lip.  

“Mack, let me--” “No, just stay here please,” she begged, breathing heavily. “Everything I ever did to you, I was doing for you. I thought that if I could…make you happy, give you what you wanted most that you’d…you’d love me back.” He smiled sadly and reached up to wipe a tear off of her cheek. “You never had to buy my friendship Mack…sweetie, you were so special to me in the beginning before I…before it got so confusing,” he whispered, kissing her fingers. “And then I screwed it all up with Jon, with the drugs…with Nick,” she said tearfully. He said nothing, only reached forward to brush a strand of hair out of her face, and smiled kindly, trying to tell her with his eyes that it didn’t matter now. 

Nick watched them both from the doorway, his features decorated with surprise and confusion. Neither could see him; Brian’s back towards him, Mackenzie focused solely on Brian. Why had she mentioned his name? And who was Jon? Was it the same guy Brian had just called? He felt like his world had been flipped upside down. Brian had always been his rock, his safe haven. He was the one Nick always ran to when something went wrong, when things got too crazy. But now…he felt like he hardly knew him. It was as if Brian had led a whole other life behind his back. He had followed Brian in here for this exact reason, to find out more about his and Mackenzie’s relationship. But now he was more confused than ever. 

“Shh, Mack, you don’t have to say anything else,” Brian whispered kindly. “You can tell me everything after you get out of here, ok?” She shook her head and smiled sadly through her tears. “You know that won’t happen,” she whispered. He looked down and said nothing. “Bri,” she went on. “Bri…I want you to be happy.” This was more important to her than anything else. He had always been the one person she had truly and deeply loved. And she knew that she had caused him a great deal of pain. Especially where Nick was concerned…. The only reason she had started dating Nick was so that she could discover if he could ever feel the same way about Brian that Brian felt about him. And that was why she had hurt Nick the way she had, so that he would run to him. She knew Brian would comfort him and try to make things better. And then hopefully, Nick would see the love in his eyes. Because she knew with a little bit of pushing and searching, Nick would see just how much he did care for his best friend. She was sure that the blonde had deeper feelings than just friendship for Brian. He just needed a little bit of help realizing it. And tonight, she wondered what had happened between them before she had called. Nick probably felt betrayed now…and she knew now that one secret had been revealed; Nick wouldn’t stop until he knew them all. And then what? Brian would never get the chance to tell Nick the way he wanted to. 

“Tell him you’re in love with him,” she whispered. His eyes shot up to meet hers in surprise. “What?” He whispered, swallowing hard over the lump in his throat. Nick, too, was listening intently, gripping tightly to the doorframe. Him? Brian was in love with another man? Nick bit his lip and blinked furiously to stop his impending tears. Who? His heart beat quickly in anticipation. It hurt so badly… Who was Brian in love with? His heart was aching…in love with someone else? But...when you kissed me I felt.... Please Mack, tell me his name....  

“Tell him Bri…tell Nick that you’re in love with him.” Long moments of silence passed, each of them processing those words. Nick no longer tried to hold back his tears. He leaned his head against the wall and stared at the back of Brian’s head through watery eyes. In love with me? Why wouldn’t you tell me? He wondered in despair. His mind flashed back a few hours to Brian’s hotel room. Holding Brian in his arms, kissing him…those touches had been so warm and…loving. Why Brian? How long…? Nick’s heart hurt. So much had happened to change everything he knew in so little time. He didn’t understand Brian’s secrets, Brian’s lies…Brian’s love. Why wouldn’t you tell me? For some reason, that hurt Nick most. He wanted to know why Brian would keep something so important from him, something that could only bring them closer. Nick’s heart couldn’t see the reasons Brian had lived with so long. That it would come between them, that it would tear them apart…all Nick could see that he had lied and he didn’t know why. 

“I’m scared Mack,” Brian finally whispered tearfully, breaking the silence. “He doesn’t trust me now after finding out about you and…I’ve kept so much from him. I…I think I’m too late. I lost any small chance I might have had….” “That’s my fault…for calling you tonight,” she said sadly. He shook his head. “No…if I had told him everything sooner, none of this would be a problem.” He ran his hands through his hair and sighed. She reached out once more and took his hand in hers. “You can make it up to him, you know,” she said softly, smiling sadly when he started to cry. “You love him so much…please Bri, promise me that you’ll try…” Eventually Brian nodded. “I can’t lose him Mack,” he whispered as he wiped his eyes, struggling to get his tears under control. “Even if it never goes any farther…I just need him in my life.” He sighed and leaned forward to kiss her forehead. “I’ll try.” 

“Mackenzie?” Brian turned around at the sound of his voice, connecting with the blue eyes he hadn’t seen in years. “Jon…” she whispered, a small smile turning up her lips. Brian stood up on shaky legs, unprepared to see him again, even though he knew he’d have to face him at some point tonight. Jon smiled kindly, not surprised that his heartbeat sped up at the sight of Brian. Yes, he had managed to get over him but it was still somewhat of a delightful and painful shock to see him again. Mackenzie, ever the sly one, noted the looks that passed between them. When they looked back down at her she smiled as best she could through her pain. “When?” Was all she asked. Both of them understood her instantly. Brian blushed and looked down at his feet. Jonathan laughed softly, murmuring how some things never change. “Almost two years ago,” Jon said softly, moving to sit down on the chair Brian now stood behind. 

Nick had managed to hide himself for a few moments whenever Brian had turned around to meet Jonathan. But he resumed his place in the doorway now, watching them through narrowed eyes. He cringed at each look that passed between the two men, at every light, seemingly innocent touch that they shared. And what did Mackenzie mean…when? Why had Brian blushed? Nick bit his lip in frustration. He wanted to scream. All he knew right now was that he hated Jonathan, was jealous of him beyond belief. 

“Jon?” Mack whispered, her eyes slowly closing. He swallowed the lump in his throat and squeezed her hand. “What is it baby?” “Jon, I love you…thank you for…everything,” she whispered, her voice barely audible. He smiled at her and shook his head, leaning down to press a kiss to her forehead. “I love you too ‘Kenzie,” he whispered. “Bri?” He knelt down next to her and ran his fingers through her hair. “You’ll tell him? Bri…please….” “Shh, Mack, yes…I promise.” She searched his eyes, and smiled finally when she was satisfied with what she found there. “Tell Nick that I’m sorry,” she added softly, smiling once more at both of them before shutting her eyes. Brian squeezed his hand and tried to swallow his tears. He kissed her softly, murmuring his good bye against her lips. 

The next few moments passed in slow motion. She seemed to fade away, as her body lost its grip on her soul. Jonathan pulled Brian away as doctors tried in vain to bring her back. Nick cried, her deathbed apology to him tugging at his heart. He couldn’t catch his breath as he watched Brian fall into Jon’s arms. The two of them held each other tightly, crying softly for the girl who had been such a big part of both of their lives. Nick’s heart ached…he wanted to hold Brian. Something about the way the two of them touched each other rushed through him frantically, leaving him angry and jealous. Nick continued to watch as Brian talked softly with some of the doctors, discussing responsibility for her care. Unknowingly, Nick started to tremble…his eyes only seeing one thing: Jonathan’s arm wrapped around Brian’s waist as he talked, his fingers moving ever so slightly. He wanted to rip him away; to make him stop touching Brian. His Brian. 

Eventually the inevitable happened. Brian saw him. He turned around with Jon’s arm still wrapped around his waist and froze. “Nick…” Brian couldn’t look away from his blue eyes, unable to read the turmoil of emotions he saw there. How long has he been here? Brian took a step forward and out of Jon’s grip. “Nicky…” Brian pleaded. But Nick shook his head and backed away from his best friend. “No,” he whispered. “Nick, please let me talk to you and--” “And lie to me?” Nick asked loudly, his voice trembling. Brian winced, wishing he knew what all Nick had heard. He could see just how upset he was; he knew from the look in his eyes. He knew solely from the way he was acting. It was the same look he used to get whenever he was younger and something would happen to throw his world out of whack.  

“Nick,” Brian repeated, lowering his voice and stepping even closer to him. “Just let me explain to you…please…” Part of Nick wanted that. He wanted to step forward and let Brian hold him. Brian’s arms had always meant safety and love. But now…now Nick didn’t know what to believe and his temper took over, desperately trying to cover his fear. “No…I can’t do this now. Stay away from me Brian…just leave me alone!” He turned away and moved quickly down the hall, trying to see past his tears. He didn’t know where he was going; he just knew that he had to get away. He managed to find the waiting room they had been in and dug out his cell phone.

“Kevin?” He whimpered when the older man answered. “Nick? What’s wrong?” Nick took a deep breath and looked around nervously, relieved to see that Brian hadn’t followed him. “Kev, I need your help,” he said softly, tears flooding his eyes again. “Brian…he…lied…don’t know him…Kevin, get me out of here!” He cried, almost choking on his sobs. Kevin had no idea what he was talking about but he recognized the fear and panic in Nick’s voice.  

“Where are you?” Kevin’s attitude changed from confusion and slight concern to near panic at the mention of a hospital, but Nick managed to assure him that neither of them were hurt. He told Kevin he’d tell him everything as soon as he picked him up. In his near hysteria, Nick completely forgot that he had come here with a bodyguard, complete with a ride back to the hotel. “Alright Nicky, calm down. I’ll send someone to--” “Kev no! I need you there too please!” Nick begged, still looking around frantically to make sure Brian hadn’t found him. “Ok, I’ll be there right away, ok?” “Please hurry…” Nick whimpered softly. “Shh, Nick, stop crying, ok?” “Y-yes,” Nick managed in a shaky voice, gulping back more tears. “Wait for me in the lobby…I’ll be right there.” “Ok,” Nick whispered and hung up the phone. For a second, he stood completely still and stared straight ahead at the doors he had just run through. In his irrational mind, he imagined that if he moved even an inch, Brian would find him. But eventually, he managed to shake that feeling and did as Kevin asked and went to the lobby. 

When Kevin arrived several minutes later, he found Nick waiting anxiously for him, his eyes full of hurt and confusion. He still had no idea what had made Nick act this way. And even more confusing was the fact that Nick had called him…where was Brian? And what had Nick meant when he had said Brian had lied? But Kevin could see that Nick was in no state to answer any of his questions right now. He had that lost little boy look on his face and Kevin only wanted to make his pain go away. 

“Come on Nicky, let’s go back to the hotel, ok?” He asked softly, wrapping an arm around his younger friend. Nick nodded and leaned into Kevin’s embrace, desperately fighting the tears that were threatening to fall again. They rode back to their hotel in silence, Kevin keeping a protective arm around him the entire way there.  

Chapter 14 - Present

Brian wanted to run after Nick and try to explain, but he couldn’t yet. Questions needed answered, papers needed signed…he thanked God for Jonathan, without whom he would not have been able to get by. Eventually, he finished with what he needed to do, taking responsibility for Mackenzie’s short hospital stay as well as making arrangements for her small funeral.  

“Jon, I need to find Nick,” he said desperately as they made their way back past the ICU toward the waiting room. “Why did he run away from you?” Jon asked softly, wishing he could take away some of the heartache he saw on Brian’s face. “I…I’m not completely sure but…” Brian stopped and ran his hands through his hair. “Jon, he just found out practically all of my secrets…secrets I’ve wanted to tell him about for so long, but never did and now…” Brian started to cry, grateful when Jon pulled him close. They walked slowly, not stopping until they found somewhere relatively quiet to sit down.  

Jon forced Brian to look at him, smiling and brushing the tears off of his face. “You’re still in love with him,” Jon said softly. Brian nodded. “And you never told him?” He shook his head. “And Jon, he was there…I don’t know how long, but she said I was and--” “Whoa, Brian, slow down and start at the beginning, ok?” Jon asked with a small smile. Brian took a deep breath and nodded. He told Jon everything, starting from Mackenzie’s reappearance in his life and ending with the events of this evening. 

“So you think he heard Mack say that you’re in love with him?” Jon asked softly when Brian finished. He nodded sadly. “Yes…it’s so ironic,” he said bitterly as he stood up. “After we kissed…I was finally going to tell him everything but now…” “You’re not too late you know Bri,” Jon said softly, looking up into his eyes as Brian turned around. “But he--” “Brian,” Jon said patiently, smiling at him. “You hurt him…you broke his trust, but Brian, you can earn that back. Tell him why you kept things from him. He may not listen right away, but if you love him as much as you’ve always claimed to, you won’t give up.”  

Brian sat back down and stared into his eyes. “And Brian,” Jon went on before he could say anything. “He kissed you. There’s gotta be a reason…I think he feels more for you than he even knows or understands.” Brian sighed and shut his eyes. He leaned forward and rest his elbows on his knees. Jon reached out and put a comforting hand on his back. “Before he kissed me he told me that…that I make him happy, that I make him feel safe and loved. Jon, the way he looked at me…and when he kissed me…everything I saw in his eyes was multiplied so many times in those kisses. But I hurt him,” he added in a whisper. “What if I ruined everything? Just because I was always so afraid to tell him the truth…and why?!” He asked, angry with himself suddenly. “Why should I have been afraid of Nick’s reaction?! Nick’s my best friend. I know that he would never judge me just because of my sexuality. I think I always knew that…so why didn’t I tell him? Jon…I have to talk to him,” he finished, his voice soft again. “I have to talk to him now.” 

They found Brian’s bodyguard a few moments later, and he explained that Kevin had just called him and told him that Nick was already back at the hotel. Brian bit his lip at that news, unsure how to react to the fact that Nick had run away so quickly. Before leaving he turned to face Jonathan once more. “Thank you for being and here and…for listening,” he whispered. Jon smiled at him and shook his head, indicating that there was no need to thank him. “I’ll see you tomorrow then?” Brian asked, referring to the funeral. Jon nodded. The two of them reached out to each other at the same time, hugging softly, trying to comfort one another over their loss. “It’ll be ok Brian,” Jon whispered, hoping with all his heart that he was right. He wanted nothing more than for Brian to find his happiness with Nick. They pulled apart and Brian smiled sadly at him before turning to leave, anxious to get back to Nick and try to repair everything that had gone wrong. 

***

It was Kevin Brian found first when he came back to the hotel. The older man was in the hall with AJ, trying to explain what had happened with Nick when he saw him. AJ turned his head when Kevin stopped talking and saw Brian too. Neither he nor Kevin had any idea what was behind this situation. Although Nick had told Kevin he would explain everything when they got back, he told him now that he couldn’t talk about it and had confined himself to his room ever since.  

“Where is he?” Brian asked softly when he neared AJ and Kevin. “In his room,” Kevin replied softly, desperately trying to read his cousin’s eyes for some sort of explanation. “Brian what happened?” He asked in concern. Brian sighed and ran his hands through his hair. He looked back and forth from Kevin to AJ and saw the worry there, but he couldn’t do anything to calm them now; he had to talk to Nick first. “I…I can’t tell you right now guys. I have to see Nick.” AJ wanted to protest; the curiosity alone over this situation was killing him, not to mention the fact that he was concerned for both Nick and Brian. But Kevin stopped him with a look, and he realized it was probably best, for now, if he waited. “His door isn’t locked,” Kevin said softly. “If you need anything Bri…” “Thanks Kev, AJ.” Kevin glanced at AJ meaningfully and the two of them made a hasty exit into AJ’s room, knowing that if they stayed in the hall all they would do is eavesdrop. 

Brian took a deep breath and shut his eyes. Please don’t hate me Nicky… He opened the door quietly and went inside. What he found there made his heart ache even more. Nick sat on the edge of his bed, his back towards Brian, leaning on his knees, his head in his hands. Brian could hear him crying softly and he wanted nothing more than to sit down behind him and wrap him in his arms. But he knew better. “Nick?” He called softly, watching his friend’s body stiffen at the sound of his voice. He sat up and quickly wiped his eyes but he didn’t turn around. 

“Go away Brian,” he whispered after a few silent moments. His voice was a plea, desperate for Brian to understand. He was afraid to turn around, knowing that once he looked into Brian’s eyes, there’d be no stopping everything he wanted to say to him right now. Brian winced, biting down on his lip and taking a deep breath. “Please Nick…don’t shut me out, I…I need to talk to you, to try and explain everything…” “What’s there to explain?” Nick asked softly, his voice flat and harsh. “And why bother now? You never have before.” He didn’t mean to sound so bitter, but it was all catching up with him. He really hoped that Brian left his room now, because he knew that in a matter of seconds he’d be unable to control anything else that he said. Never, in all his years of knowing him had Nick ever been as upset with him, as angry with him as he was right now. Sure there had been times when they had disagreed before or had gotten on each other’s nerves; it was inevitable always being in such close quarters. But he had never felt like this. 

Nick felt as if everything Brian had ever told him, everything that they had ever shared had been a lie. He didn’t know what to believe about his best friend, didn’t know what was true and what had been made up. Nothing was the same as it had been a few short hours ago and Nick didn’t know if it ever would be again. And beneath all of that anger his heart was breaking. Breaking because of those kisses, those powerful feelings that hadn’t had time to blossom because of what had happened tonight. And those feelings stuck with him now, holding his heart in a tight grip and begging him to listen. He wanted to; wanted to turn around and let Brian hold him and explain everything. But he didn’t listen to his heart. He listened to his anger, his jealousy…. You betrayed me Brian. Lied to me, hurt me…why should I listen now? 

“Nick,” Brian began softly, knowing he had to try, although he could see that Nick wanted nothing to do with him at the moment. “I met her a long time ago, when we were in Germany. I kept it a secret because it wasn’t something that anyone would expect me to do. We were a couple for a while…all those times I went out, well, they were to be with her. But she was never as sweet and innocent as I first believed. A lot of it wasn’t her fault but, she was into drugs, parties…we were very different.” Nick said nothing, his anger silent for the moment, over powered by a pure desire to know all about Brian and Mackenzie’s relationship. 

“But something changed,” he went on, wishing he could look into Nick’s eyes as he told him this, but unwilling to stop for fear that Nick wouldn’t listen anymore. “She discovered something about me that I had always tried to ignore. Something that I wanted to go away but was always there beneath the surface trying to get out.” He ran his hands through his hair and unconsciously stepped closer to Nick. “And from the moment I truly realized it…I was terrified Nick,” he pleaded softly, trying to explain even before he told him. “And I wanted to tell you, to tell the guys, to tell someone but all I could think of was that you’d hate me for it,” Brian said softly, his voice full of pain. As he spoke now, moments away from revealing his biggest secret, he realized, now -too late- that he had put too little faith in the ones he loved. It seemed ridiculous to him now that he would have thought that his friends, his brothers, could have possibly hated him for the simple fact that he was gay. 

Surprising both of them, Nick turned around and looked into Brian’s eyes. He saw fear there. Fear, confusion and regret. What is he talking about? Nick wondered, trapped in Brian’s gaze. How could he possibly think that I would hate him...and for what? “Hate you for what?” He asked, voicing his thoughts. Brian stared at Nick and took a deep breath. “Because I’m gay.” 

Nick froze and stared at him for several moments, trying to process what he had just heard. It was a shock, but at the same time, it was something he already knew. When had he ever known Brian to have a serious relationship with a girl? And if he thought about it he really couldn’t remember a time when he and Brian just sat around and talked about girls. He had always done that with AJ. But besides such obvious things, there was more. Brian was his best friend and he just…knew. It didn’t upset him, it didn’t freak him out. What hurt him terribly was the fact that Brian had felt like he couldn’t tell him. That he had thought that Nick would actually hate him for being gay. 

“You thought I would hate you for that?” Nick asked evenly, trying to control his temper, but knowing he was losing quickly. “Nick, I was scared and confused, I--” “You thought that I would hate you because you’re gay?! You think that little of me?” “No, Nicky, I just--” “How could you?!” Nick yelled as he stood up, any pretense of trying to have a normal conversation gone. Brian’s secret cut deep. “You actually thought that I would care…that I would just end our friendship just because you’re gay?! You think I’m that cold, that prejudiced…that I wouldn’t see that you were still the same fucking person! Jesus Brian…” He trailed off, flustered, unable to grasp the fact that this was Brian’s big secret. That this was what he had always been afraid to tell him. 

Brian swallowed hard, forcing himself not to cry. This was what he had always feared. Rejection. But not for the reasons he thought; no, it was because he hadn’t trusted Nick enough to tell him. “What else?” Nick asked shortly, glaring at the older man. “What?” Brian asked, wondering what he meant. “I know there’s more…I heard Mackenzie.” His voice started to quiver as he remembered her telling Brian to tell him that he was in love with him.  

Nick’s eyes bore into his, rendering him helpless and scared. In all the times he had dreamed of telling Nick about his feelings, he had never pictured it like this. “You heard everything she and I said?” He asked quietly, finally managing to escape Nick’s gaze. He stared down at the floor, nervously awaiting Nick’s response. “Yes,” Nick answered, his voice cold. Although, had Brian met his eyes he would have seen just how nervous he was. “Then you know that--” “Tell me Brian,” Nick interrupted, his voice still emotionless, his heart beating wildly in his chest. “I want to hear you say it,” he whispered, overcome, suddenly with a torrent of emotions. He was still incredibly angry and upset with Brian. He truly didn’t know how to get over this, how to get past the fact that Brian had lied and hadn’t trusted him. But his heart ached with the desire to hear Brian tell the truth, although he still wasn’t sure how to react. 

Brian looked up, knowing he had to look into his eyes when he told him. He swallowed hard and blinked back fresh tears. “Nick, I love you,” he whispered, not trusting his voice. Nick remained still, his _expression never changing from the hard, angry look he had set on his face. But he was unprepared for the warmth Brian’s words sent rushing through his body. “I fell in love with you so many years ago,” Brian went on in a soft voice, his eyes never leaving Nick’s. “I can’t even remember exactly when I knew. It was just something that had almost always been there. As our friendship grew my feelings for you got so much stronger.” Brian wished he could read Nick’s eyes…he needed to know what he was thinking, but Nick wasn’t letting him in. “Nicky, I didn’t even realize that I was falling for you.”  

Nick shut his eyes, knowing they were going to betray him to Brian if he kept gazing at him like that. With so much love in his eyes…. He wanted to cry, wanted to fall into Brian’s arms and stay there for as long as he could. His arms ached to hold his best friend and above all he wanted to hear Brian say ‘I love you’ again. But he was stubborn and his pride spoke louder than his heart. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked after a few moments, swallowing hard and schooling his features to reveal nothing. “Because I knew that you didn’t feel the same way and then what? I couldn’t bring myself to ruin our friendship that way….” 

“But you could lie to me? And how much was our friendship really worth to you Brian, huh? You never trusted me enough to tell me that you were gay….” Nick knew he should stop. He could see how much his words were hurting Brian, but too much had happened too fast. He couldn’t process it all, couldn’t take it all in. Brian’s secrets and lies broke his heart in more ways than one and all he wanted to do was lash out and make him hurt as much as he was hurting. “Nicky, please let me--” 

“No Brian!” He screamed, his temper breaking. “You lied to me! I trusted you with my life but you never felt the same! Do you know what that feels like? That your best friend never thought enough of you to trust you with his feelings or…anything else?!” He glared at Brian, his eyes flashing with anger and hurt. But the tears sliding down Brian’s cheeks tore at his heart. Jesus Nick, stop now before you hurt him anymore! Is your pride really worth his broken heart? 

He tried to calm down, but he knew he wouldn’t succeed, at least not for very long. “Nick…” Brian pleaded, his voice trembling with tears. He could feel Nick shutting him out, slipping away and his heart was breaking. “Were you every going to tell me?” Nick whispered harshly, his eyes flashing with anger and hurt. “After tonight…” Nick started slowly, unsure of what he wanted to say. His heart was aching at the look of desperation in Brian’s blue eyes. “Nick, I—” 

But Nick didn’t even give him a chance to start, much less finish. “No!” He cut him off angrily. “Everything I felt with you was so real, so…right. The way I felt when we kissed, when you held me…I’ve never even come close to feeling that way before,” he whispered sincerely, his eyes and _expression softening slightly. Tentatively, Brian stepped forward and laid a hand on Nick’s shoulder. “You can feel that way again Nicky,” Brian whispered, looking into his eyes with love and hope. For a few moments they were silent. They stared at each other intently, unspoken feelings crackling between them like electricity. Nick wanted to believe him, and more than anything he wanted to feel that way again. But Brian’s lies and secrets swirled all around him, clouding over his heart and leaving him with only anger. 

He shook his head. “No I can’t Brian,” he said coldly, stepping away from the older man’s comforting touch. “I can’t feel that way again because none of it was real! It was all based on lies!” Brian didn’t try to stop the tears that fell from his eyes. His heart was in pieces and he knew he couldn’t take much more before he collapsed completely. “So many times in the past I tried to get you to open up…I wanted to help you but you never let me!” Nick exclaimed angrily. “And why? Because you thought I’d hate you? Reject you? God Brian…didn’t you know me any better than that?!” “Nick, I was scared and confused, I--” “Then why the fuck wouldn’t you have come to me?!” Nick screamed, his face red with anger, his eyes flashing. “I would’ve helped you or at least tried…I was your best friend but you never trusted me…” He trailed off softly, his outward anger gone, his heart simmering inwardly in despair. 

Brian’s breath caught in his throat as he watched Nick sit down on the bed, his back towards him. “Was your best friend?” Brian asked softly, his voice small and broken. Nick said nothing for a few moments, his own heart constricting in his chest. Tears fell from his eyes and rolled down his cheeks; he was thankful Brian couldn’t see him. “Leave Brian,” Nick said softly, his voice cold and void of emotion. But his body was trembling and he knew if Brian stayed any longer he’d break down. “Nick, please…don’t…can’t we talk about this?” He begged, an overwhelming feeling of loss and despair washing over him. Nick shook his head as more and more tears found their way down his face. “No…just go,” he whispered, his throat tight with emotion. Brian wanted to throw himself at Nick’s feet, to beg forgiveness. He was perfectly willing to do anything he asked of him, but the tone of Nick’s voice left him without hope. Too caught up in his sadness and despair, he missed all of the heartbreak in Nick’s voice and heard only the anger and hurt. He felt sick…he had to get away. 

“I’m so s-sorry Nicky,” he sobbed as he backed up to the door. “I…I love you,” he choked out before his tears overtook him. He stumbled out of Nick’s room blindly and managed to get back to his own. He grabbed his suitcase off of the floor and shoved everything he could find that was his into it. Furiously he wiped at his eyes, but no matter what he did, nothing could stop his tears. Thankfully they had a two-week break that started today so he wouldn’t be letting anyone down by leaving. But it didn’t matter; he would’ve left anyway. He couldn’t stay here…he had ruined everything. His broken heart was entirely his own fault. And he couldn’t take it back, couldn’t change it. Nick hated him now. He froze when he saw himself in the mirror, suitcase in hand. Nick hates me. The thought itself physically sickened him. His face paled and his suitcase fell to the floor. He stumbled over it and into the bathroom, falling to his knees and throwing up into the toilet. 

After a few moments he collapsed and curled himself into a ball on the cold floor. His whole body ached and he couldn’t stop crying. An hour passed, maybe two…he had no sense of time then. But he never moved, just stayed there on the bathroom floor crying and aching and falling apart. After a while he started to shiver and his body started to hurt, uncomfortable from being in the same position for so long. He managed to stand up slowly and throw some cold water on his face. He was somewhat surprised to see that he had finally stopped crying. Numbly he made his way back into his room and picked up the previously discarded suitcase. He was much calmer now, but his heart was still tattered and torn…broken into pieces. He shivered, feeling very cold suddenly. He pulled a sweatshirt out of his luggage and over his head but it didn’t do any good. He had a terrible feeling that he’d never be warm again. 

Cautiously, he opened his door and peeked outside to make sure no one was in the hall. When he saw that it was empty he crept out of his room and quickly down the hall to the stairwell. He felt badly about sneaking away and he hoped no one would worry too much. But he just couldn’t face anyone right now. He promised himself that he’d call Kevin in a few days and let him know that he was ok. By some miracle, there weren’t any fans lingering outside the building and he left quickly and hailed a cab. 

“La Guardia,’ he told the driver softly and settled back into his seat. He watched the passing scenery of New York City as he was driven to the airport, but he didn’t see any of it. All he could see were those blue eyes, cold and filled with the pain of betrayal. His betrayal. He had lost him…before they’d ever even had a chance…and now he was alone. His heart broken, his best friend gone…utterly and completely alone. 

*** 

“Nick! Nick, open your door!” Kevin yelled, knocking loudly. AJ and Howie stood close behind him, worried expressions on both of their faces. After a few more moments Kevin gave up and turned around to face his friends, exasperated. He was just about to leave to go and get a key at the front desk when Nick’s door finally opened. The three of them looked at him intently, quite shocked by his appearance. His eyes were swollen and red, his face blotchy from crying. There were dark circles under his eyes and he looked lost and hopeless. “Nick?” Kevin asked softly, his voice full of concern. 

“What did you want guys?” He asked quietly, his voice sounding lifeless and nothing at all like himself. Kevin couldn’t seem to answer him. The raw pain he saw in his younger friend’s eyes was terrible and all he wanted to do was comfort him. Howie took it upon himself to step in front of Kevin and look up into Nick’s sad eyes. “Nicky,” he began softly, his voice soothing. He reached out and put his hand on Nick’s upper arm. “We need your help,” he went on in a low voice. “Brian is gone…he’s not in his room and all of his things are gone too. Do you have any idea where he is?” Howie asked softly, trying to sound unalarmed so that he wouldn’t frighten Nick.  

“Gone?” Nick whispered, his eyes clouding over in pain. AJ nodded and stepped forward to help Howie. The look in Nick’s eyes scared him and he had the overwhelming urge to hold the young blonde in his arms. “He was with you last night…” AJ began in an equally soft voice to Howie’s. “Did he say where he was going?” Nick shook his head slightly, his eyes not seeing them. All he could see was the look in Brian’s eyes…the way he had seemed to…crumble each time Nick had yelled something hurtful at him.  

Last night, after Brian had left, he had laid in bed for hours crying and painfully re-living every cruel word he had spoken. He had gone too far and all he had wanted was to go to Brian’s room to apologize and talk things through. But he hadn’t and eventually exhaustion had won out and he had fallen asleep. But it hadn’t been a peaceful sleep. It had been filled with conflicting dreams…at first love and an incredible sense of peace and then horrible loneliness. Only one image had remained the same, only one image had been specific. Brian. And now he didn’t know what to do. All he knew was that his heart was broken and the only man who could possibly mend it was now missing. 

“Nicky?” AJ repeated softly for the third time, reaching out to shake him gently. At AJ’s touch, Nick roused himself out of his thoughts and looked into each of his friends’ eyes. “We had a fight,” he whispered finally, his eyes darkening in pain as he relived everything that had happened last night. “So you don’t know where he is?” Kevin asked, sounding worried. He knew, now, that they obviously had not been able to work out whatever had been going on between them. Nick shook his head. “No,” he whispered, looking down at the ground. “But I…I have to find him,” he went on, his voice beginning to quiver. “I have to find him so I can tell him that I’m sorry and that I…” His voice broke as the image of Brian’s hurt-filled eyes swam in front of his face once more. He collapsed. 

AJ and Howie were quick to reach out and catch him, and with Kevin’s help they carried him back into his room and lay him in bed. Howie got him some water while AJ and Kevin fussed over their younger friend, hating to see him so upset, especially because they didn’t know what to do to help him. “Shh…Nicky, don’t cry,” Kevin whispered. “Can you tell us what’s wrong?” AJ asked, reaching out to smooth Nick’s hair off of his forehead. Nick shook his head. “N-no,” he whimpered between sobs. Howie sat down next to AJ on his bedside and handed Nick a glass of water. “Here Nick, drink this and calm down, ok?” He said softly but firmly. He hated the pain in Nick’s eyes, but he knew that the only way they’d get to the bottom of this was if Nick could tell them at least something of what had happened between him and Brian. 

“I…I can’t tell you what Brian and I fought about,” Nick said softly after a few moments of silence. “But Nick--” “I’m sorry Kev, but…a lot of it’s between me and him and the rest…well, the rest is Brian’s story to tell, not mine,” Nick said softly. The more he thought about it rationally, unlike last night, the more he felt that he had gone too far. Yes, he still felt betrayed and hurt. He knew that Brian had been scared and confused about his sexuality, but he just couldn’t understand why he had been so terrified to talk to him about it. It hurt terribly to think that Brian would believe that Nick would hate him for being gay. But despite everything, Nick knew that his words had wounded Brian deeply. He had been able to see the pain in his blue eyes, and those tears…that broke Nick’s heart. 

And what was more; Nick was overly upset and confused by all of the intense feelings rushing through him. The way he had felt when Brian had said I love you…he had never felt that way before. It was the same thing as when they had kissed, when he had been in Brian’s arms…the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he had always felt that way when he was with Brian. All those times he had crawled into Brian’s arms at night to feel safe…I love him.  

Nick looked up sharply and glanced at each of his friends. “I need to find him,” he repeated. He couldn’t believe it; suddenly, he smiled, unable to stop himself. I love him. The words struck him so powerfully, but at the same time, it was so…simple. He blushed…how long? He had no idea…it seemed so brand new but also something that had almost always been there. Now that he had realized it so may things made sense. It was why he had always felt safest and happiest with Brian. It was why none of his relationships had ever worked out. He had always been striving for what he had with Brian and none of his girlfriends had ever lived up to that. 

“Nick!” AJ yelled again, a small smile lighting his face. From Nick’s sudden change in demeanor he got the feeling that things weren’t as bad as they seemed. “Nick…do you know where Brian is?” Howie asked, wondering what had happened in Nick’s head to change his _expression so suddenly. Nick sat up in bed and shook his head. “No, I don’t but…” he stopped and frowned. “Wait…yes, I…I might know where he is after all,” he said softly, a note of sadness in his voice again. “Guys last night…well, to make a very long story short, I found out that Brian had known Mackenzie all along. They…I mean, even before we had met…Brian knew her. The two of them…they had dated for a while in the past, when we were in Europe.” “What?!” AJ exclaimed, quite surprised and wondering why Brian hadn’t told him that before when they had discussed her. 

“Is that what you guys were fighting about?” Howie asked, quite shocked himself. It wasn’t like Brian to lie and keep secrets. “Does this have something to do with you being at the hospital?” Kevin asked. Nick nodded sadly. “Yeah…and well, that was part of what we fought about but, well, it’s not important right now. Guys…” He stopped and sighed, running his hand through his hair. He felt bad crying and pouting so much over his problems when he thought about Mack and the fact that she was gone. “Mackenzie was shot last night and she…she’s dead.” The three of them said nothing for a while, all saddened and confused. “Nick, I’m sorry,” Kevin finally whispered. AJ and Howie nodded their agreement solemnly. Nick swallowed hard and took a deep breath. After everything that had happened last night, he hadn’t really had a chance to process Mackenzie’s death. And now, despite what she had done, it hurt badly. He took a deep breath and bit down on his trembling lower lip. “No, don’t be…well at least not in that way. We broke up last night…it’s a very long story that Brian and I will tell you after we…work things out, but right now…if I’m right, Brian will be at her funeral today.” 

He got out of bed and began rummaging around for something to wear. “Don’t worry guys,” he said with renewed hope and determination. “I’ll find him, and I’ll be back here before you guys leave, ok?” They nodded and watched him a little warily as he changed his clothes. A few minutes ago he had collapsed in their arms, his face a mask of despair. And then he just told them about his ex-girlfriend getting killed. But now he was up, executing a plan to find their missing friend. “Nick? Are you sure you’re ok? Do you want any of us to come with you?” Kevin asked. Nick smiled and shook his head. “No…thanks though. I…to answer your question, no, I’m not really all right,” he said softly, a small amount of worry in his voice. He frowned, unsure for a moment if things would work out. But the love he had just discovered he felt for Brian gave him courage. “But I will be…as soon as I find Brian.”  

He left a few minutes later with a bodyguard and went back to the hospital, intent on finding where the funeral would be. They got the information rather easily, probably because the young nurse that Nick asked was more than willing to give him anything he wanted. They took her directions and drove to a small cemetery just outside of New York. As they made their way there, Nick stared out the window and thought again of Brian. God, how could I have been so blind? He wondered absently. As he looked back on their relationship he was amazed that it had taken him this long to realize it. He really couldn’t pinpoint an exact moment of when he had fallen in love…just like Brian. He shivered, praying that he wouldn’t be too late. There was nothing he wanted – no, needed – more than Brian.  

He thought back to last night, before everything had gone wrong. He relived those sweet moments in Brian’s warm arms, the kisses they had shared. He wanted that again and again, and he wanted more. Briefly, he thought about what a relationship with Brian would mean. Nick could honestly say that he’d never really been curious…never wondered what it would be like to be with another man. But with Brian…when they had kissed nothing had been strange or awkward; it had been perfect. He knew though, that for a true relationship – a lifelong relationship – with Brian to work they’d have to overcome a lot of obstacles. He wasn’t completely blind; he knew how hard it would be…doubly so because of their place in the public eye. But he wanted it nonetheless. No one had ever made him feel the way Brian had and he was determined to have that forever. 

***

They found the cemetery rather easily and after asking the caretaker, discovered where she was to be buried. He walked briskly down the small, cobblestone pathway towards a more secluded area of the cemetery. He stopped short when the gravesite came into view. Brian wasn’t there. His heartbeat sped up and he swallowed hard. Brian wasn’t there…but Jonathan was. 

He was sitting on the ground next to the freshly dug grave. It looked as if there had been a brief ceremony, but whoever had presided over it was no longer there. Figuring he had one chance at finding Brian, Nick began walking towards Jonathan, not wanting to talk to him, but knowing he had to. Jon looked up when he saw someone approaching. He was surprised to see it was Nick…maybe he knew where Brian was. 

“Where’s Brian?” Jon asked as he stood up, his voice clipped and almost angry. “Good question…I came here to find him,” Nick responded dryly. They turned to face each other, both of them sizing the other one up. Nick, again, wondered what the exact nature of Brian and Jonathan’s relationship was…although he was pretty sure that he knew. “You mean you don’t know where he is?” Jon asked, looking into Nick’s eyes. Nick shook his head and narrowed his eyes. “Why…do you?” Jon shook his head. Nick stared at him for a few seconds, nodded his head and turned and walked away. 

Jon wanted to let him go; the last thing he was in the mood for was starting a fight with Brian’s best friend…especially here and now. He was still trying to grasp the fact that he’d never get to see or touch Mackenzie again. But his anger and the small amount of jealousy he had left towards the younger man won out. He wanted Nick to know exactly how much he was missing by turning his back on Brian…that was what Jonathan assumed had happened. “Nick!” He yelled, following him. Nick spun around and eyed him warily. “What happened last night?” Jon asked angrily. “What did you do to him?!” Nick knew, without a doubt, that it was his fault that Brian had run away. But he’d be damned if he would admit that to Jonathan. 

“I didn’t do anything,” Nick snapped. “We had an argument…I don’t know why he ran away! I’m just trying to find him now.” “You’re lying,” Jon replied smugly. “What?” Nick asked, his voice cold. “You’re lying,” Jon repeated, crossing his arms over his chest. “What did you say to him? You probably broke his heart. Do you have any idea how much he loves you?” Jon asked, his voice still angry, but now with a slightly softer edge to it. He looked into Nick’s blue eyes and he saw the young man’s confidence slip slightly. Jon let his hands fall to his sides as he took a few steps closer to Nick. 

“I know you’re probably angry with him because he lied to you and kept so many things from you, but…Nick, he loves you so much.” Nick looked down at the ground, unwilling to let Jonathan see the tears that had formed in his eyes. “I know,” he whispered. “And I came here because this is where I thought he’d be and now…I have to find him,” Nick said softly, his voice trembling, his eyes still studying the ground below. “Think about it Nick,” Jon said softly. “You know him best…where would he go?” Nick wanted to argue, to snap back and say something smart about how he didn’t know him at all after everything that had happened last night. But he heard the sincerity in Jonathan’s voice and as he thought about it, he realized that Jon was right. He did know Brian best. Despite everything that Brian had kept from him…Nick still knew all the little things, all the important things that made Brian who he was. 

He tried to think of where Brian would go. If he didn’t want to be found he wouldn’t go home, and Nick was sure that he’d want to be alone, so he wouldn’t go to his parents’ house. But besides wanting to be alone, Brian would want to be somewhere comforting to him, so he wouldn’t just go to a random hotel. That left only one place…. 

His eyes shot up to meet Jon’s and he managed a small smile. Jon smiled back. He could see a love in Nick’s eyes for Brian that was stronger than friendship. He was also happy to discover that this didn’t upset him; it didn’t make him jealous. Despite being over him, he was still very careful with his heart when it came to Brian. 

“I know where he is…at least I think I do,” Nick said softly. “You love him…don’t you?” Jon asked kindly, hoping he wasn’t going too far. But Nick just nodded and smiled slightly. “Very much…but I, well, I didn’t really make that known last night,” he said softly, wincing as he remembered, once again, those hurtful words he had spoken to Brian. Jon nodded, understanding. “Thank you,” Nick whispered, looking into the other man’s kind eyes. Jon shook his head and smiled. “Go find him.” Nick smiled back. “I will.” 

Jon watched him make his way back through the cemetery, moving quickly on his quest to find Brian. Jon walked back to Mackenzie’s gravesite and sat down on the grass. “Well baby…you did it. I think he’ll finally be happy now.” 

Chapter 15 – Present

When Nick got back to the hotel he explained to the guys that while he hadn’t found Brian, he had a pretty good idea as to where he had gone. “I’ll call you as soon as I find him,” Nick said softly as he hugged each of them good-bye. “Nick…he needs you,” Kevin said softly when they pulled apart. “There’s something wrong that only you can fix,” he whispered, smiling softly into Nick’s eyes. Nick nodded, wondering for a second if Kevin knew more about their situation than he was letting on. “Bye Nick, I’ll talk to you soon.” Nick nodded as he picked up his bags and left the hotel. 

***

Please be here Bri. Nick drove across the empty, sometimes sand covered road looking for the beach house he had only been to once. Brian had bought the cottage over five years ago, telling Nick it was his refuse from the world. It certainly was a refuse. The Cape Lookout seashore was mostly wildlife preserve with only a few private houses scattered amongst the sea oats and sand dunes. It was deserted and secluded and…beautiful. So far away from everything that the only sound was the wind and the waves and the only light was the moon and stars. Nick just hoped he found the cottage before it got that dark or he’d probably end up driving straight into the ocean. 

When Brian had first bought it, he had told no one except Nick and he had brought him down for a weekend. They had spent their time swimming in the dangerous water and laying around on the beach and inside. It had been very peaceful and very good for both of them. Looking back, Nick wondered how he hadn’t been able to stumble across Brian’s love then. When he replayed his memories of that weekend in his head now he could see the love in his best friend’s eyes. And even more surprising was the fact that he hadn’t been able to see what had been going on between them even then. He hadn’t even realized it…they had spent many an hour of that weekend in each other’s arms or at least next to each other. On the beach watching the stars, inside watching a thunderstorm…hell, they had even slept in the same bed. Nick smiled dreamily to himself. Their friendship had never been just that…but he had never been able to see it for more. And apparently neither had Brian because he had believed for so long that his love had gone unrequited and unnoticed. Perhaps unnoticed, but not unrequited. 

That had been his only trip to Brian’s secluded beach house, and he really hadn’t even remembered it until now. But it had popped into his mind when he had been talking to Jonathan and he was certain that this was where Brian would be. He had flown out of New York to Charlotte, North Carolina, rented a car at the airport and set out to find his best friend. It had taken a while to get here, driving from the airport towards the Outer Banks, and just barely catching the last ferry of the day from the mainland across the Pamlico Sound. He just hoped this wasn’t all for naught. 

A smile lit his face and he breathed a sigh of relief when the beach house came into view. And his smile brightened further when he saw that there was a car in the driveway. He’s here. 

It was nearing twilight and was somewhat chilly out despite the warm climate. He got out of his car and took a deep breath of sea air. Quietly he climbed up the deck stairs and peeked in the large windows. His heart caught in his throat and he felt his knees weaken. Brian sat on the floor, his back to the window, his knees drawn up to his chest as he stared into the fireplace. He wore only a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt and his hair looked golden from the firelight. Nick thought he looked beautiful. But he could tell, solely from his form that he was hurting…devastated. Nick swallowed hard and crept back down to his car.  

He opened the door and got out his cell phone. Not wanting to talk right now, he sent Kevin a small text message saying that he had found Brian; he’d call later with more information, and not to worry. Then he turned off his phone and threw it back into the car. He took a deep breath and stared at his refection in the car window. He pressed a hand to his stomach, trying to calm his nerves. Tonight was going to change so much…but he wanted it all. He couldn’t keep track of all the emotions running through him. He was scared, excited, anxious…all of that and so much more. But his love for Brian gave him courage. He knew that they could work things out. But what he was looking forward to most was telling Brian that he loved him. He hoped that it would take away the pain in Brian’s eyes, the heartache…he wanted to make him happy. 

But besides all of these feelings he was also very nervous. Nervous because of…well, everything, but more so for one reason. He could remember exactly how it had felt when he and Brian had kissed…now he wanted more…so much more. Those kisses had stirred something deep within him, leaving him desperate and breathless. He wanted Brian…in every way. But that thought terrified him almost as much as it excited him. 

He took another deep breath, ran his hands through his hair, and then walked back up the deck stairs. As he glanced in the window again, he saw that Brian hadn’t moved. Nick wanted to surprise him, to take him in his arms and chase away all of his pain. He smiled to himself when he tried the door. It was unlocked. That was so typical of Brian…something only Nick probably knew and found endearing. He remembered Jonathan’s words…he really did know him best. He shut the door behind him as softly as possible and locked it, not that there was anyone nearby who would be trying to break in.  

Standing in the hallway, he peeked into the living room and saw that Brian hadn’t heard anything. He was still sitting in the same spot. Nick slipped off his shoes and stood still for a few moments just watching him. He was struck by how much the sight of Brian like that affected him. His heart ached because he knew Brian was in pain…and it was all his fault. He wanted to hold Brian and comfort him, and he wanted to give him what he had previously refused…a chance to explain. It still stung that Brian had kept so many things from him for so long, but Nick knew in his heart that he’d already forgiven him. He just had to tell that to Brian. 

As quietly and carefully as he could, he crept across the carpet and sat down directly behind Brian on the floor. Softly, tenderly he wrapped his arms around the older man and pulled him back against him. He stretched his legs out on either side of Brian and nuzzled his head against the side of his face. He felt Brian jump slightly and shiver but he didn’t say anything. Nick smiled to himself. He doesn’t even know I’m here. And he really didn’t.  

On some level Brian sensed Nick’s presence, but on the surface all he could concentrate on was his broken heart. He had never been so hurt, so completely without hope. Since the moment he had left New York, he had replayed Nick’s angry words over and over again in his head. And nothing helped; nothing made him feel the slightest bit better. Nick had been a part of him for so long…and now it felt like that part was missing. He had come here, to his secluded beach house, to escape, but he found himself tortured with the memories of his trip here with Nick several years ago. It had been so peaceful and there were times when Brian could have sworn Nick loved him just as much as he loved Nick. But then they had gone back to reality and things hadn’t been any different. 

He felt terrible for the fact that he hadn’t gone to Mackenzie’s funeral. But with everything that had happened with Nick, the only thought on his mind had been to get away. He had been practically all she had and he hadn’t been there; he knew Jon would have been. But he promised himself that he’d go back and visit her grave, talk to her…remember her forever. 

Nick pressed a kiss to Brian’s t-shirt covered shoulder and squeezed his body tighter when the older man started to cry. “Don’t cry Bri,” he whispered, wondering when his best friend was going to realize that he was here. “But you…hate me,” Brian whispered to himself, still unaware that Nick was here, holding him. “No…I could never hate you,” Nick replied softly. “Brian…” he called a little more loudly, his hands shaking him gently. “Bri…baby, look at me,” he begged, his voice husky and low. After a few more moments Brian did turn around; Nick made sure to keep his arms around him. He smiled softly and reached out to wipe the tears off of Brian’s cheeks. Brian’s breath caught in his throat and his eyes widened in surprise. He reached out and clutched desperately to Nick’s shoulders, trying to discover if he was real or just a dream. 

“Nick?” He asked softly, his voice trembling. Nick nodded and tried to smile, but he faltered when he saw the despair and pain in Brian’s blue eyes. He cursed himself for letting his temper get the best of him before…he had caused that pain. Brian couldn’t help himself; he collapsed into Nick’s arms, burying his face in the blonde’s chest and wrapping his arms around his back. His body shook with fresh sobs as he whispered ‘I’m sorry’ over and over. “Shh…please don’t cry Frick,” Nick whispered, his own eyes filling with tears. “It’s ok Brian,” he murmured softly, kissing his friend’s hair and smoothing his hands up and down his back. They stayed that way for a long time, Brian’s tears slowly subsiding as Nick rocked him gently. 

Eventually Brian sat up, his arms releasing Nick, but he stayed close. The two of them sat cross-legged, their knees touching, both struggling to look into one another’s eyes. Brian kept his gaze fixed on his legs, working up the courage to ask him why he was here. His heart was beating frantically in his chest. He had never expected Nick to follow him here, to find him…. “Why are you here?” Brian finally asked softly, still looking down. Nick bit down on his lip and looked up at Brian. He too was nervous about meeting his best friend’s eyes, about what he’d see there. But when Nick didn’t answer after a few moments, Brian did look up. Their eyes locked, and both of them froze. They stared at each other intently, trying to read all of the emotions in one another’s eyes.  

“I’m sorry,” Nick blurted out after a few minutes, blushing and looking down. Brian frowned in confusion. “Sorry for what?” He asked softly. “For the way I acted in New York,” Nick replied. Brian sighed and shook his head. “You don’t have to apologize Nick,” he said softly. “I deserved everything that you said.” Nick looked up and shook his head. “No you didn’t…not everything. And I…I should have said it all differently. I was just trying to lash out, to make you hurt the way…” “The way I hurt you?” Brian finished for him. Nick nodded.  

“Why did you think that I’d hate you for being gay?” Nick asked quietly, his blue eyes full of hurt. Brian swallowed hard and tried to think of the best way to phrase his reasons without them sounding stupid. “Nick…I was so confused, so afraid that my sexuality changed who I was. It was terrible…I wanted to tell you, to tell someone but I had convinced myself that you’d hate me or reject me. There was no real reason for that…it was just an irrational fear. And it wasn’t just you,” Brian went on softly, hoping that there was some way he could make things better between him and his best friend. “I thought that anyone I told would feel that way. But Nick I knew in my heart that I was wrong. I do trust you and I do know you well enough to know that you wouldn’t have hated me. But I was terrified, confused…and I just couldn’t see past that,” he finished softly, his eyes hopeful. 

Nick truly did understand his reasons. He was pretty sure that had he been in the same situation he would have acted the same way. His eyes were soft when he looked at Brian but he didn’t say anything yet. There was so much more he needed to know. “Bri, can I ask you some more questions?” Nick asked softly. Brian nodded. “You can ask me anything Nick,” he said sincerely. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you knew Mack whenever I introduced her?” Brian nodded, figuring that would be the next question. “Because I knew that if I told you I knew her, I’d have to tell you how I knew her. And then why I had never told you before or why we broke up and I…I also knew that if I didn’t answer those questions, Mackenzie would have.” Nick nodded, expecting that sort of an answer. “Why did you break up? I mean, besides the obvious fact that you’re gay…did something happen?” Nick asked curiously. He hadn’t intended on questioning Brian about all of this, but the more Brian told him the more he wanted to know. 

Brian sighed and looked away into the nearby fire. “You don’t have to answer Bri, I--” “No, Nick, I’ll tell you what happened…I’ll tell you everything,” he said as he turned back and looked into the younger man’s eyes. He told Nick how Mackenzie had been determined to make him admit that he was attracted to guys and how she’d gone to great lengths to make that happen. “She set me up one evening…got me drunk and then used…her friend to help. He was…my first kiss with another guy.” Nick big his lip and dug his nails into his palms. He knew, without a doubt, who that guy had been. He could feel it and it made him extremely jealous even if it had happened years ago. “Her friend…it was Jonathan wasn’t it?” Nick asked softly, his voice shaking slightly. Brian looked at him curiously for a second; if he didn’t know better he’d swear Nick was jealous. “Yes, it was Jon,” Brian replied. 

“What else happened?” Nick asked quickly, his eyes darting around so Brian couldn’t see his feelings. “About a week or so later we were in Paris. I went out with her and got pretty drunk again, but she…she slipped Ecstasy into my drink.” Nick looked up in surprise. “Jon was there again and…” Nick couldn’t catch his breath as he listened to Brian’s words. He knew what was coming and he didn’t want to hear it at all. “We went back to the hotel and well…we would’ve slept together but--” “So you didn’t have sex with him?” Nick blurted out hastily, unable to stop himself. Brian paused and looked into Nick’s eyes curiously again. It was jealousy that he saw there. Nick was jealous of Jonathan. Brian felt a rush of hope run through his body and he remembered the way Nick had said that he made him happy, the way they had kissed…. 

Brian answered him softly. “I didn’t have sex with him…then.” Nick said nothing but gazed at Brian intently, his eyes pleading to know the truth, but at the same time dreading it. “When?” He whispered looking down as he began picking at his jeans and the carpet below him. Brian watched him carefully as he answered. “Do you remember when we were in New York…just before we released Millennium? We had a week off and we went home to see our families?” Nick nodded. “Well, I didn’t go home,” Brian said softly. Nick looked up sharply. “I stayed in New York because I wanted…I had never…I needed to know what it was like,” he said softly, hoping that Nick understood. Nick swallowed hard and nodded. He did understand and he knew it was irrational for him to feel as jealous as he did, but he couldn’t help it. “I had never expected to see Jonathan again, let alone meet him in New York,” Brian went on softly, watching Nick closely as he lowered his eyes again. 

“He was my first Nick,” Brian whispered. “And I ended up staying with him for that whole week.” Brian stopped and waited patiently for Nick’s response. He could see the younger man processing this information and trying to form a reply. “Did you love him?” Nick asked, his voice small and soft. Brian’s face softened and he reached out and took Nick’s hand in his own. “No Nick, I didn’t love him.” Brian smiled when he saw the tension leave Nick’s body. Nick squeezed Brian’s hand. “I care a lot for Jon but I never loved him.” Brian stopped and took a deep breath. He had to say it now; this was the perfect time. “I could never love him because…I was always in love with you,” he said softly, his voice trembling slightly. Their eyes met and held. 

“Nick, I never meant to hurt you,” Brian whispered, staring into those blue eyes that had long ago captured his heart and soul. “And I was going to tell you everything after we kissed…” He paused for a moment, watching the younger man closely. “Nick, you said that when we kissed, it felt right to you…that you had never felt that way before…was that true?” Brian whispered, his heart beating wildly in anticipation. Nick could see the hope and the love in Brian’s eyes and he really couldn’t believe it was all for him. He continued to hold Brian’s hand in his as he reached his other hand out to cup Brian’s cheek in his palm. Tenderly he ran his thumb over the soft skin, smiling softly when Brian’s eyes glazed over with tears. “Nicky…” “Yes Bri, it was true,” Nick whispered, watching Brian shut his eyes and bite down on his lower lip. Despite his best efforts to stop them, tears rolled down Brian’s cheek, which Nick quickly wiped away. Brian couldn’t believe this was happening. He had to be dreaming. His whole body was warm, tingling, all because of Nick’s admission, Nick’s touch…  

Nick let go of Brian’s hand and framed the older man’s face in his hands. Brian could barely breathe and when he opened his eyes he felt his heart constrict in his chest. Absently, he reached up and placed his hands on top of Nick’s. The blue eyes before him were gorgeous, shining with emotion. Nick looked into his best friend’s gaze, reading love, happiness and hope there. The love left him completely breathless. It was so bold, so real…he wanted to get lost in it, get lost in Brian. And he wanted to give him even more happiness…make his dreams come true. Swallowing hard over the lump that had formed in his throat, he flashed a wobbly smile and took a deep breath. “Brian, I love you.” 

Brian’s grip on Nick’s hands tightened, and Nick watched as his lower lip started to tremble. Brian truly couldn’t believe what he was hearing and for one brief painful second, he thought that this was all a dream. He was really just sitting here alone in front of the fire, imagining that Nick was here with him. But the tender look in Nick’s eyes told him that it was real. Here and now; it was all happening. Brian tried in vain to stop his tears, but they spilled over and fell down his cheeks. Nick smiled softly at him and pulled him into his arms. Brian grasped onto him desperately, burying his face in his neck. Nick held him tightly, running his hands up and down his back and smoothing his hair. 

“Shh…don’t cry anymore Brian,” he murmured soothingly. I’ll do everything I can to make sure that you never cry again Bri. He lay his head on top of Brian’s and shut his eyes. It still amazed him how perfect everything felt with Brian in his arms. Nick started to chuckle softly when Brian’s tears hadn’t subsided after a good five minutes. “Are you gonna react this way every time I tell you that I love you?” He teased softly as he pressed a kiss to Brian’s hair. Brian pulled away slightly and looked up into Nick’s eyes. “Every time?” He whispered timidly. Nick smiled lovingly as he nodded and wiped the tears off of Brian’s cheeks. He leaned closer and kissed his eyelids, absorbing the tears that clung to his eyelashes.  

When the two of them looked into each other’s eyes again, Nick smiled brightly. “Yes Bri…every time. I love you Brian and…it’s forever.” Brian stared at him in amazement, in wonder. When had this happened? His best friend, the man he loved with his entire being…when had Nick fallen for him? “But you…” Brian started to protest, unsure of what he wanted to say. He was in shock, trying to make sense of Nick’s words. He can’t love me that way…can he? Nick could read his thoughts. He laughed brightly, his eyes sparkling as he reached out and threw his arms around Brian’s neck. “I do love you Brian,” he repeated softly, his voice warm and loving, trying to convince his friend that what he said was true. “Love you so much,” he murmured, his breath hot on Brian’s neck.  

Tentatively, Brian let his arms wrap around Nick’s waist. He was afraid that if he moved too fast, squeezed him too hard…he’d vanish. But Nick only snuggled closer and shivered when he felt Brian’s hands on his back. “That’s why I came here,” Nick began softly, happy to discover that his head seemed to fit perfectly in the crook of Brian’s neck. Brian shut his eyes and took a deep breath, inhaling his distinct scent. A potent mix of soap, cologne and…Nick. “It started when we kissed,” Nick went on softly and slowly, unwilling to rush a moment of this. Brian said nothing, not wanting to break the spell that had been cast around them. He would be perfectly content to let Nick hold him this way forever and listen to him murmur words of love. 

“It was all so brand new to me but it still seemed so familiar Bri. And after that kiss…I’d never felt that way.” “What way?” Brian whispered, losing himself in Nick’s arms. “The way you told me love should be,” Nick replied softly. “You made me feel safe, happy and, above all, loved. You always have. Bri, your arms are…they’re home to me,” he went on softly, his voice beginning to tremble. “When we were at the hospital and I heard you say that you…that you were in love with me, I…” “I never wanted you to find out that way,” Brian whispered, breaking his silence. The two of them pulled back and looked into each other’s eyes. “Bri, I never meant to hurt you the way I did,” Nick said softly, his eyes full of concern and love. “I mean, I was very upset with you, but I lost my temper and said things I didn’t mean.” Brian smiled softly and shook his head. “You don’t have to apologize again Nicky. Tell me what else happened,” he said softly. 

Nick smiled. “Well, the guys woke me up the next day and asked if I knew were you were…but I hadn’t even known that you had left. And while they were asking me questions I thought back to what I’d said to you the night before and how hurt you looked and I…suddenly I just knew.” “Knew what Nicky?” Brian asked anxiously. “That I’m in love with you,” he replied softly, his eyes bright and true. Brian sucked in a sharp breath and tightened his hold on Nick’s body. Those few words could do so much to him…left him weak, hopeful, ecstatic and scared all at the same time. “And I think…I must’ve fallen for you a long time ago, but I never knew,” Nick went on, staring at Brian intently as he confessed his feelings. “Because you were always the person that made me happiest, and I never had to pretend with you…I could always be myself. And all those times that I slept in your arms and you…held me, kept me safe and told me everything would be ok….”  

Nick’s lower lip started to quiver, overcome with emotion. “I love you Brian,” he whispered fiercely, his eyes pleading with the older man even as they filled with a new set of tears. Brian smiled back at him softly, his own eyes starting to water again. He reached up and cupped Nick’s cheek in his hand. He loves me… The thought rushed through Brian intensely, yet again, as he finally allowed himself to believe it. And Nick was right…it had been there all along. It was in Nick’s eyes, his smile…but Brian had never been able to see it for what it was. “I love you too Nick,” he finally replied softly. Nick’s tears fell as he shut his eyes and took a deep breath. Just like the first time Brian had said it, the words ran through him powerfully, warmly, leaving him breathless and weak. 

Tenderly, Brian framed Nick’s face in his hands and waited for him to open his eyes again. When he did, their blue eyes met and held. Nick pulled him closer as they both smiled through their tears. Brian leaned forward until their foreheads touched. “Love you so much Nicky,” Brian murmured as he touched his lips to Nick’s. Nick melted into Brian’s arms, his heart beating quickly in his chest with love and anticipation. Just like their first kiss, it was Brian who deepened it again, running his tongue over Nick’s bottom lip, seeking entrance to his mouth, which Nick eagerly granted.  

Something broke in both of them when their tongues touched. They kissed each other hungrily, desperate to feel, to taste, to discover as much as they could. After so long…so much inner, unrequited longing…they were starved for one another. Nick wrapped his arms tightly around Brian and pulled him into his lap. Brian tangled his fingers in Nick’s blonde hair as he settled himself in Nick’s arms, automatically wrapping his legs around Nick’s waist and moving even closer. 

After a few moments they slowed their pace, not wanting to rush anything. There would be no interruptions this time, nothing to keep them apart. Nick’s head was spinning with newfound passion and desire. He was both thrilled by and terrified of every feeling that shot through his trembling body. His hands found their way to the sides of Brian’s face, holding him close as he kissed him deeply. Brian gripped tightly to Nick’s back as the younger man kissed him. He could barely breathe. Nick’s kisses were so deep, so slow and sensual…. His soft fingers caressed Brian’s face and hair as his lips pressed tightly to the older man’s, his tongue filling his mouth, sweeping over the soft fleshy sides, the roof, and tangling with his own. Brian sucked on his tongue, loving the way he tasted, so sweet and soft, the lingering hint of bubble gum making him seem innocent. 

Nick couldn’t get enough of Brian; he never wanted these kisses to stop. But they broke apart a few seconds later desperate for air. Nick continued to hold him tightly, afraid if he let go, Brian would somehow disappear. They stared into each other’s eyes, foreheads touching, fingers tickling the backs of each other’s necks. Brian searched Nick’s eyes, trying to see how far he wanted to take this. He knew Nick was nervous; he could feel his body trembling slightly. But behind that laid a determination that made Brian shiver. Nick nodded, reading his thoughts. “I want you,” Nick whispered boldly, pulling Brian even closer. Brian nearly moaned at the sound of the younger man’s voice, husky and low, desperate, needy but still nervous.  

Their eyes never left each other’s as Brian squeezed Nick’s hips with his legs, pushing himself down against his lap. Nick shut his eyes then and bit his lip, his fingers gripping tightly to the flesh of Brian’s lower back. He blushed and leaned forward to bury his head in Brian’s shoulder. “Oh Bri…” he whispered as his body shivered slightly in pleasure. Heat ran through Brian like lightning at the sound of his name on Nick’s lips. He had pressed his pelvis down into Nick’s, their growing erections pushing against each other even through their jeans. That’s what had made Nick shudder and blush. Brian smiled…he couldn’t wait to give him more. 

“Nicky,” he murmured softly, threading his fingers through the blonde’s hair and then moving to his cheek. Gently, he forced Nick’s head up so he could look into his eyes. Brian smiled warmly at him. He saw lust, heat and an overwhelming love in those eyes. But at the same time he saw nervousness, fear…that’s what he paid the most attention to now. He pressed his lips to Nick’s forehead and let his hands rest on either side of his neck. “Brian, I don’t…I’m so…Brian…” “Shh,” Brian whispered, pressing a finger to his swollen lips. Nick looked so gorgeous right now; Brian wanted to devour him. His eyes were bright blue, his hair slightly mussed, his cheeks flushed and those soft, sensual lips were red, full and wet. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” Brian said soothingly, his voice low and calming. 

Nick took a deep breath and nodded. He knew that Brian would never force him to go too fast or do something he wasn’t ready for. But he was ready…he was just very, very nervous. “I love you Brian,” he said softly, never taking his eyes from the older man. “And I trust you. Bri, I…I want this, all of it. I need it…” Brian ran the back of his fingers over Nick’s cheek. “I love you too Nick…always.” He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Nick’s, nibbling gently on his lower lip before pulling away and planting soft, small kisses all over his face. He ran his fingers through Nick’s soft hair and smiled. “Are you sure baby?” He asked in a whisper as he laid his forehead against Nick’s again. Nick nodded and kissed Brian tenderly. “Yes B, I’m sure…make love to me,” he said softly, his voice trembling slightly. But his eyes told Brian that he really did want this, despite his nerves. Brian kissed him softly, wrapping his arms tightly around him as he slipped his tongue into Nick’s mouth. 

Again, their kisses became hungry and needy, their hands wandering over each other’s faces, arms and backs. Brian loved the heat that rose between them, wrapping all around their bodies and increasing their passion for each other. Nick decided quite quickly that no one had ever kissed him the way Brian did. He felt as if he didn’t hold onto him tightly enough he might fall…Brian’s kisses left him that weak. Nick whimpered softly in complaint as Brian’s mouth left his. But he sighed with pleasure when the older man began kissing and nibbling a trail from his mouth down to his neck. He sucked gently on Nick’s skin, unable to get enough of his sweet taste. Nick’s soft moans, the result of Brian rocking their hips together again, gave the older man chills. Soon they were both desperate for more, ready to go a step further. 

Brian abandoned the sweet skin of Nick’s neck for his ear, noting with a tiny smile the mark he had left on his throat. He sucked gently on the younger man’s earlobe for a brief moment as he tightened his grip on him. “Let’s go upstairs Nicky,” Brian said softly, his voice low. Nick shivered and unconsciously pulled his lover closer. He nodded shyly, blushing when Brian looked into his eyes. Brian’s heart melted at his sweet _expression and he pressed a kiss to the tip of his nose. “Come on baby,” he whispered as he disentangled himself from Nick’s embrace. 

Quickly, he made sure that the fire was dying off safely. Nick grabbed his hand automatically as they left the living room and made their way up the winding staircase. The small set of steps led to the one large room, the bedroom, with a small adjoining bathroom off to the side. Nick smiled to himself as he remembered the last time they had been here together. The two of them had spent every night of that one weekend in this room. Specifically though, Nick remembered lying with Brian in bed during a thunderstorm, watching the sky light up with streaks and flashes of bright lightning. The bed was situated so that they had been able to see out the sliding glass doors to the ocean, as well as look straight up through the skylight.  

Brian could see in Nick’s eyes that he was remembering their last time here. He smiled sweetly with his own memories of that time. Little did he know that his favorite time was also Nick’s. During that storm, Nick had continuously gotten closer and closer to Brian with each clap of thunder. Despite his words that the storm was cool, there had been a small worry in his boyish voice that Brian had known would have turned to fear had he not been right there with him. 

The moon shown brightly through the glass doors and windows, casting a dim glow throughout the room. Brian squeezed Nick’s hand as he turned to face him. He could see on Nick’s face a very similar _expression to the one he himself must have worn his first time. But the love they shared made a huge difference. Brian let go of his hand and slipped his arms around Nick’s waist, pulling him close. Nick leaned forward and laid his forehead on Brian’s shoulder as he slid his arms around his back. “Bri…I want you so much,” he said softly, his voice shaky. “But I’m…God Brian, I’m just…” Brian smiled and put his hand under Nick’s chin, forcing him to look into his eyes. “Shh Nick, it’s ok…I know you’re nervous,” he said softly. “We’ll take this as slowly as you want, ok?” Nick nodded, his heart beating a mile a minute. “I know Bri,” he whispered, licking his lips, anxiously. Brian reached up and ran his fingers through Nick’s hair. “You’re so beautiful Nicky,” Brian whispered almost absently as he stared into those clear blue eyes. Nick blushed sweetly and lowered his eyes. Brian slid his fingers up Nick’s arm and linked them behind his neck. “I love you Nickolas,” he said softly, tears forming in his eyes again. He couldn’t remember ever being this happy. 

“Love you too,” Nick whispered just before their lips met. Brian kissed him slowly, yet deeply, slipping his tongue into his sweet mouth and exploring. Once again, Nick became putty in his hands, clinging desperately to Brian as they kissed. They held one another tightly as their mouths made love. Slowly, Brian let his fingers slip beneath the hem of Nick’s shirt. He pressed his palms to the small of his back, pulling him tightly against his body. Nick shivered at his touch, pleasurable chills running up and down his spine. Brian slid his hands upwards over the soft skin of Nick’s broad back. He sucked on Nick’s lower lip, tugging gently on it with his teeth before pulling away and looking into his best friend’s eyes.  

“Let me…” “Yes,” Nick whispered eagerly, nodding. Brian proceeded to slide Nick’s shirt over his head and drop it on the floor. Again, Nick blushed, which caused Brian to smile. Brian quickly removed his own t-shirt and tossed it to the floor next to Nick’s. With nervous fingers, Nick reached out and ran them across Brian’s shoulders and down his arms. Brian bit his lip to keep from moaning. Even this slight touch of Nick’s hands on his skin was powerful and amazing. He watched the younger man carefully, adoring the way he was chewing nervously on his lower lip, his eyes following every move his fingers made. Brian reached out and began trailing his fingers over the same places Nick was touching on his body.  

After a few more moments, Brian slid one arm around Nick’s waist and pulled him closer. Nick responded and wound his arms around Brian’s back. The two of them kissed one another eagerly as their skin touched. Everything intensified in that moment and they grasped onto one another eagerly, their bodies pressing tightly together. Brian slid his other hand around the younger man’s waist as well, completing their embrace and bringing them closer. Slowly, he began walking backwards towards the bed, pulling Nick along with him as they continued to kiss each other deeply. He stopped when he felt the backs of his knees hit the bed. Breaking their kiss, he looked up into Nick’s eyes and smiled softly. He could feel the younger man trembling in his arms, nervous and anxious for what was coming. 

“Sit down Nicky,” he whispered as Nick ran his fingers through Brian’s hair. Brian grabbed his hand in his own and kissed his fingertips. Nick watched him, fascinated, as Brian took the tip of his index finger between his lips. Nick’s breathing hitched as the older man started sucking slowly on that finger, his warm tongue wrapping all around it. He felt himself harden at the action, aroused by what Brian was doing as well as by the thought of more. Brian’s eyes fluttered open to stare at Nick, thrilled to see a good amount of lust there now mingled with the love and the nervousness. Nick’s knees wobbled beneath him at the look in Brian’s eyes and he quickly sat down on the side of the bed. 

Eager to join him, Brian stood still and watched him for a second. Nick couldn’t help the small, desperate moan that left his lips when Brian slowly unbuttoned and removed his jeans. He wanted to be free of his pants as well, but was too shy to do anything about it. Brian sat down next to him, now in only boxers, revealing to Nick that he wasn’t the only one aroused by what they had been doing. Without a word, Brian looked into his eyes, searching for reassurance. When he found it, he reached out and placed his hands on Nick’s stomach. He could feel the younger man tense beneath his touch, but he didn’t stop, slowly sliding his fingers lower until he reached his jeans. He looked into Nick’s eyes as he undid his button and zipper, his fingers softly brushing the skin below his navel. “Help me Nicky,” Brian whispered, eager to remove his clothes. Nick nodded and lay down on the bed, lifting his hips so Brian could pull off his jeans. Once he had tossed them to the floor, he lay down next to Nick, pressing into his side, and traced his cheek with his fingers. “Tell me if it gets to be too much for you, ok?” Brian asked softly, not wanting to rush the younger man in anyway. Nick nodded and put his hand on the back of Brian’s neck. He pulled him down into a warm kiss, eagerly opening his mouth for Brian and sighing when their tongues met and tangled again. 

Brian used Nick’s distracted state to his advantage and began sliding his hand down his chest. He wanted so desperately to touch him, to watch his face become a mask of pleasure, but he wasn’t willing to rush. Their first time…he wanted to savor every moment, make it slow and loving. His hand hovered over its desired destination for only a moment before he lowered it and cupped Nick gently through his boxers. Nick moaned in surprise and pleasure into Brian’s mouth. He broke the kiss and stared up at him with desire. When Brian moved his hand Nick shut his eyes again. His mouth fell open and his eyes squeezed shut in bliss. Nick couldn’t believe how good it felt…just that slight touch. He wanted more. 

“Bri…” he said breathlessly. Brian looked into his eyes, his other hand smoothing Nick’s hair. “Take them off…” he whispered, almost begging. He wanted Brian to touch him not just through his boxers. Brian opened his mouth to ask Nick if he was sure, but Nick pressed a finger to his lips before he could say anything and nodded. “Yes, please…I…” he stopped and swallowed hard. “I want you to touch me,” he whispered, running his fingers over Brian’s soft lips.  

Brian slipped his fingers beneath the waistband of Nick’s boxers and tugged gently. Nick lifted his hips and allowed Brian to slide them off. He shut his eyes, nervous and slightly embarrassed. Brian’s heartbeat sped up, his body heating further at the sight of Nick naked and waiting for him. Quickly, he pulled off his own boxers and tossed them to the floor as well. He waited for Nick to open his eyes again and when he did, Brian was there to meet his gaze. “Please Bri…touch me,” Nick said softly as he breathed deeply, suddenly finding it very difficult to catch his breath. 

Brian continued to watch him as he reached out and ran his fingers down the length of Nick’s erect cock. Nick jumped at that first touch and moaned with pleasure as Brian’s soft fingertips brushed against him. “Bri…” he whispered desperately, his eyes flashing with passion and lust. Brian closed his fingers around Nick’s length and stroked him slowly, watching as the younger man scrunched up his face in pleasure. 

Desperate for more of him, Nick reached up and pulled Brian close, pressing their mouths together and kissing him deeply. He let his hands wander down Brian’s back as the older man continued to stroke him. He pressed Brian’s body against his own and he grew even more aroused when he felt Brian’s cock push against his leg. Brian felt him tugging on his body and he knew what Nick wanted. He let go of his cock and shifted himself so he was completely on top of the younger man, body to body, face to face. Their breath mingled as their eyes met. Nick’s hands flattened on Brian’s back, pulling him closer. Brian rocked his hips against Nick’s, their naked cocks rubbing against one another in the process. In that moment, Nick snapped and grabbed the back of Brian’s head crushing their lips together in a consuming kiss. He slid his hands to Brian’s hips and forced him to keep moving, both of them finding a rhythm that they liked. Brian couldn’t get enough of him. He tasted so sweet and his body was so hot, so warm and pliant. He couldn’t believe this was finally happening. 

He broke their kiss and began sucking on Nick’s neck, going lower with each sweep of his tongue, stopping to suck and nibble on both of his nipples, loving the moans that escaped Nick’s lips. Brian wondered if he knew how sexy he sounded like that. “Oh God Brian,” Nick moaned, when the older man began sucking at the skin below his navel, his hands firmly grasping Nick’s hips. Nick looked down at him; unable to grasp that it had really come this far. He knew what was coming and he wanted it badly, but it was still hard to believe. “Nicky…” Brian said softly, his voice low and seductive, a way Nick had never heard it before. It gave him chills. Their eyes met, connecting powerfully, and Brian read in his eyes that he was ready for this. 

Without a moment’s hesitation he went further, lowering his mouth to Nick’s aching member. Nick watched him, unable to look away as Brian took the tip of him between his lips and pressed his tongue to the heated flesh. “Bri…Brian…” Nick moaned; his friend’s name the only thought on his mind, the only word on his lips. His head fell back as Brian went further, sucking more and more of his cock into his warm, wet mouth. Every whimper from Nick, every tremble of his body was making Brian hotter. Nick’s head fell back onto the bed when he felt the tip of him brush the back of Brian’s throat. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think…all he could do was focus on the feel of Brian’s mouth wrapped around him, sucking him, giving him more pleasure than he had ever remembered feeling in his life. 

Although it was hard, Nick managed to lift his head again and look down at the man he loved so desperately. He gasped when he met Brian’s eyes, heat-filled and intense. The whole sight was so deliciously erotic, so thrilling…he knew he couldn’t take much more. He slid his hand into Brian’s hair, threading his fingers through the silky locks and holding him close. Brian eagerly sucked him deeply into his mouth again, wanting nothing more than to make Nick come. He needed it. “Oh God…Bri, you’re so good. I…I love you!” His words turned into unintelligible moans, his head falling back again as he lost all control and came in Brian’s mouth. 

Brian swallowed as much as he could, instantly addicted to Nick and the way he tasted on his tongue. He kept sucking him until he was soft again, only then letting him slip from his mouth. Nick watched him with wide eyes as he wiped the back of his hand over his mouth and then proceeded to lick the excess substance off his fingers. Slowly he crawled back up the younger man’s body, loving the way he was gasping for breath, his skin flushed and sweaty. “You taste amazing,” he whispered against Nick’s mouth, his tongue darting out to lick his swollen lips. “And you’re so gorgeous this way…God Nick, I love you so much,” he said in a heartfelt whisper. They kissed one another tenderly. Nick whimpered when he tasted himself in his lover’s mouth, never having experienced something so real and amazing before. 

“Brian…” he whispered when they pulled apart, reaching up to cup Brian’s cheek in his hand. He didn’t know what he wanted to say right now, only that he was in love. In love in a way that he had never been before. It consumed him, made him whole and he had Brian to thank for that. His best friend, his protector and now his lover. “I know Nick,” Brian whispered in response, seeing it all written in the blonde’s blue eyes. “Believe me…I know.” 

They kissed again, their tongues tangling, massaging one another and exploring. The kisses grew deeper with each passing second and their hands groped desperately over one another’s bodies wanting to touch as much as they could in as little time as possible. Nick could feel Brian’s hard cock pressing against his hip and he wanted to give him that powerful release he had felt. He took Brian’s hips in his hands and pulled him against him like they had been before. Brian moaned, dropping his head forward into the crook of Nick’s neck as pleasure washed over him intensely. “Oh Nicky…so good,” he hissed, running his hands up and down Nick’s strong arms. Nick found himself getting aroused all over again and he wanted one thing more than anything else. 

He took Brian’s face in his hands and pulled him up to look into his eyes. “Make love to me Brian,” he whispered, his eyes sincere and full of intense longing and love. Brian bit down on his lip, stifling an impending moan. There was nothing he wanted more than to be one with Nick, to make love to him. But he knew there would be pain, and he wanted Nick to be completely sure. 

He traced his fingers down the side of Nick’s face and leaned forward to kiss him tenderly. “Are you sure?” He asked seriously, a concerned and loving look on his face as he gazed into Nick’s eyes. Nick knew that Brian was worried for him, and he, himself, was slightly fearful of the pain he knew would accompany their love making, but he needed this. Needed Brian…more than anything he had ever needed before. He nodded slowly and pressed his lips gently to Brian’s. “I never thought I could love anyone this way Brian,” he said softly, his voice trembling slightly. “But you’ve made my heart complete. You were always right there, in front of my eyes, but I couldn’t see it…and now we…we’re finally together,” he went on through the tears that were making his voice shake. “I want to be one with you, to connect our bodies and our hearts. Please…please make me yours Brian. I want to be yours.” Brian’s own tears fell even as he smiled softly, planting small kisses all over Nick’s face. “I love you Nick, and I’ve wanted you for as long as I can remember…we’ll be one tonight and every night after,” he whispered declaring his intentions of forever. Nick nodded whispering his own promises of forever into Brian’s ear as they embraced each other tenderly. 

The two of them shifted on the bed. Nick pulled down the blankets and Brian, knowing he had no lube in the beach house, managed to find lotion that would work fine. He set it, along with a small towel on the bedside table and rejoined his lover in bed. They kissed again, softly yet hungrily, their arousal growing even more as their bodies touched. “Bri…please…now,” Nick whispered between kisses, running his hands down Brian’s back. They broke apart briefly as Brian reached for the lotion. He stopped Nick from turning over, smiling at his confused _expression. “I want to watch you baby,” he whispered as he slipped a pillow beneath Nick’s hips. Nick gulped and took a deep breath, knowing it would be even more intense like this. “Shhh…baby, relax,” Brian whispered soothingly as he pushed Nick’s legs apart gently. He covered two of his fingers with lube and slipped them between his legs.  

Nick jumped in surprise when he felt Brian push a finger into him slowly. He squeezed his eyes shut, too nervous to meet the older man’s eyes. Brian watched what he was doing, swallowing hard as he felt himself get even harder. Nick’s body was flushed, his hair wet with sweat, and his mouth hung open as he gasped for breath. Brian had never seen him look quite so alluring. Slowly he pushed another finger into him, watching him carefully for any signs of pain. It felt strange, and different to Nick at first, but then Brian touched something within him that made him moan aloud in pleasure. 

Brian smiled as the younger man’s body jerked in surprise. Knowing he had found his prostate, he stroked it relentlessly, watching as Nick’s eyes opened and found his. They were glazed over with unknown pleasure as Brian continued to move his fingers, stretching him as best he could. He started to squirm against Brian’s fingers, desperate for more even though he knew it could hurt. “Bri please,” he begged. “I want you…” 

Brian removed his fingers slowly and positioned himself between Nick’s legs. He leaned down to kiss his lover again. Nick took the lotion from him and squirted some into his hands. Brian gripped tightly to his shoulders when he felt Nick’s fingers tentatively touch him. Nick was surprised…he hadn’t expected Brian to feel so soft, so hot…and he was instantly addicted to the way Brian moaned softly at his every touch. He couldn’t believe something he was doing was making Brian flush with pleasure like that. After a few more moments, Brian kissed him desperately, whispering against his mouth that he needed him now. 

He took Nick’s hips in his hands and once again stared into his eyes, looking quickly for reassurance again. Nick nodded frantically and bit down on his lip. Brian positioned himself at Nick’s small entrance, pushing forward slowly until the head of him was inside. He shut his eyes and his head fell forward against his chest as white-hot pleasure washed over him. Nick was so tight, searing…he would have to struggle to go slow, that much he knew. 

Nick bit down hard on his lip and scrunched his hands into fists. He squeezed his eyes shut in pain as Brian went further, trying to breathe deeply as the pressure became more and more intense. “I’m sorry baby…” Brian whispered, his voice ragged. “So sorry Nicky.” Nick opened his eyes and looked at him through tears, shaking his head fiercely when Brian asked him if he wanted him to stop. “No,” he answered through clenched teeth, sensing that there was more beneath this pain…so much more. “No…don’t stop,” he repeated forcefully. 

Brian pushed forward again, further and further until he was completely buried. “Oh God Nick…” Brian hissed, unable to bear all the pleasure covering him. He didn’t move though, watching Nick’s body to see when the tension lessened. He reached forward as best he could and began stroking Nick’s cock, feeling it harden more under his touch. After a few more minutes, Nick opened his eyes and stared up at Brian. The pleasure was overtaking the pain and soon he was left with nothing but the feeling of fullness, of being filled by the man he loved more than anyone. “Move…” he whispered, desperately arching his hips upwards. “Please Bri…I want more,” he begged. 

Brian eagerly complied, pulling out slightly and pushing back in. Nick’s body jerked when the tip of Brian’s cock hit his prostate. “Brian! Oh fuck…” he moaned, his eyes shutting as he pushed his head down into the pillow. Brian began thrusting in and out of him slowly at first, increasing speed and strength each time. Needing to touch and feel more, he reached down beneath his lover and pulled him up. Their mouths met in a fiery kiss as Nick wrapped his arms around Brian’s back and pulled his knees back so Brian could go deeper. 

Brian pushed in at a new angle, again hitting Nick’s prostate and making him scream. “Jesus Bri…it feels so fucking good,” Nick moaned, his words rushed. Brian squeezed his body tighter, kissed him deeper, plunging his tongue into his mouth. The two of them moved desperately with each other, both trying to reach a common goal. “Nick…” Brian gasped, thrusting into him over and over. “You’re so…fucking tight, so hot…my God,” he moaned, his mouth sucking at the blonde’s neck. “More Bri…please…go deeper,” he begged, loving the way Brian filled him, made him so complete. “I’m so close Bri…make me come,” he whispered, falling back on the bed again and pulling Brian with him. He wrapped his legs around the older man’s back and drew him deeper still. “Oh God Nicky, so good…” They looked into one another’s eyes at the same time. Brian thrust into him once more and they both froze for a brief second before waves of pleasure crashed down all around both of them. It was more than just pleasure…their souls were connected and for those few brief moments they were the same person, connected, one. They moaned each other’s names and whispered, “I love you,” over and over again feverishly as they came. 

When it all finally ended, Brian collapsed on top of him, both of them desperately trying to catch their breath. A few moments later, he pulled out of him slowly and reached for the small towel he had laid on the nightstand. Gently, lovingly, he wiped them both off and then tossed the towel to the floor. When he looked up into Nick’s eyes again he saw tears and for a moment he was afraid something had gone wrong. “Nicky?” He whispered. Nick smiled and shook his head. “It’s ok,” Nick replied as he wiped his eyes. “It’s just that…I’ve never…Bri, that was so powerful. I…I love you,” he whispered fiercely, his eyes bright. Brian kissed him gently yet deeply and took his face in his hands. “I love you too. Nick, I’ve never felt this way before,” he said honestly, his voice hoarse with emotion. “That was incredible…it felt like…” “Like we were one person?” Nick asked softly, completing his thought. “Yes,” Brian whispered, nodding. 

They kissed each other softly once again, smiling as they broke apart. Brian pulled the blankets over them and they settled into one another’s arms. For a while they laid side by side and stared into each other’s eyes. “Nicky, I never thought that…I never thought this would happen. I love you so much and now…you’ve made my life complete,” he whispered, his eyes brimming with love and affection. Nick ran his hand through Brian’s soft curls and smiled. “It’s like that for me too. I love you Brian,” he said with a smile, knowing then and there that he’d never get tired of saying those words. Nick snuggled down into Brian’s warm arms, wrapping his own around the other man’s waist to ensure that he’d stay right where he was.  

The moonlight sparkled off the ocean and glowed dimly in the room, casting a soft light over both of them. Nick shut his eyes and fell asleep easily, feeling safer and more loved than he ever had in his life. Brian sighed happily and tightened his grip on the younger man. He gazed upwards through the skylight into the star-filled sky. A tear escaped his eye as he watched a shooting star make its way across the night. He kissed Nick’s hair and shut his eyes. All his heartache was gone, replaced by a warm, wonderful feeling of love. He knew, without a doubt that what they had found here together would last a lifetime. He knew that simply from the look in Nick’s eyes…the powerful, truthful feelings he saw there. “I love you,” he whispered once more before drifting off to sleep, his dreams only happy as he saw the future stretched out before them. A wonderful life full of laughter and love. No more would he admire it from afar…he had his whole world lying right there in his arms. 

Chapter 16 – Present

Brian woke up early, the warm glow of the sun peeking over the water and shining in through the windows. It only took him a moment to remember the previous night. Nick was here, now, in his arms…it was still hard to believe. The younger man had snuggled himself down into his pillow, unconsciously trying to block out the impending light. His arm rested on Brian’s waist, keeping him close. Brian lay facing him, softly tracing his fingers over Nick’s shoulder, hair and face. He sighed happily as he watched the younger man sleep. His heart was light and carefree in a way it hadn’t been for a very long time. 

It was almost an hour later when Nick finally woke up. Brian watched him with a smile, noting how it was a long, involved process for Nick to actually wake up. First he brought his hand up to cover his eyes, and then stretched his whole body while yawning loudly. When he finally opened his eyes they were still warm and sleepy, but his face broke into a bright smile as soon as his eyes met Brian’s. He wrapped his arm around Brian tightly and pulled him closer. “Good morning,” Brian said softly, unable to stop smiling. He ran his fingers through Nick’s hair and then slid them slowly down his naked back. Nick smiled shyly at him.  

“How long have you been awake?” He asked softly, his voice still hoarse from sleep. “About an hour,” Brian replied, pulling the blonde even closer. Nick raised an eyebrow. “An hour? And you’ve just been watching me sleep?” Brian just nodded, smiling into his eyes. Nick blushed sweetly and lowered his eyes. Brian put his hand under his chin and tipped his face up. “I love you,” Brian whispered, his eyes full of warm and powerful feelings. Nick’s face broke into a warm smile. “I love you too,” he replied, grinning. Nick cupped his cheek in his hand and leaned forward. He pressed his lips to Brian’s, sighing happily. Brian eagerly opened his mouth, squeezing Nick’s body tightly as their tongues met. They kissed each other lazily, taking their time to explore and taste every inch of each other’s mouths. When their kiss finally broke, Nick rest his forehead on Brian’s and stared into his blue eyes. He sighed after a few moments and kissed the older man once more. “Be right back angel,” he said softly as he reluctantly left Brian’s warm embrace. He rolled out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom, his limbs still not completely awake. 

Brian fell back on the bed and looked up through the skylight into the blue sky. When Nick came back a few minutes later, he plopped back down into bed, snuggled under the covers and pulled Brian tightly against him. “Can you believe this Brian?” Nick asked softly as he pressed a quick kiss to the older man’s mouth. “Can you believe we’re together like this?” He sounded amazed and incredibly happy. Brian smiled back and kissed him. “It’s perfect isn’t it?” Nick nodded and then giggled. In a flash Brian found himself pinned under his lover, who was now straddling his thighs. There was a devilish glint in his eyes that made Brian watch him warily. “Nick…?” He asked, wondering what the blonde was up to. He found out seconds later when Nick started tickling him, his eyes bright with laughter and mischief.  

“No!” Brian cried desperately, squirming beneath Nick and trying to get away. “Nicky, stop…please!” He begged, giggling and gasping for breath. When Nick finally did stop, moments later, he grinned and took Brian’s hands in his own. He leaned down so that they were face to face and stretched Brian’s hands up over his head. Their lips met in a soft, passionate kiss. Soon Nick released Brian’s hands so that he could slip his arms beneath him. Brian wrapped his arms around Nick’s back and held him tightly against him. They made out that way for many long minutes, only breaking apart when their lungs begged for more air. Nick rolled off of Brian onto his side, although they stayed wrapped in each other’s arms. 

Brian could see in Nick’s eyes that there were things he wanted to talk about. “What’s up baby?” He asked softly, smiling as Nick’s eyes lip up in surprise. It still amazed Nick how connected they were. He knew that it had always been there but it had never felt so strong until now. Nick shifted uncomfortably and looked away from Brian’s kind eyes. “Nicky,” Brian whispered, running his hand through Nick’s hair. “You know you can tell me anything.” Nick nodded. “Yeah, I know…I’m just, ok, well, Bri…I’m curious.” Brian smiled. “Curious about what babe?” “Well…about you,” he replied, looking into his eyes. “Me?” Brian asked sounding a little surprised. Nick nodded. “Yeah…um, just, uh…things I don’t know…” he murmured, unsure how to ask any of his questions. 

Brian had an idea of what he wanted to know, but he only smiled and waited patiently for Nick to continue. “Were there…other guys?” Nick finally asked sounding embarrassed. He just wanted to find out as much as he could about the side of Brian he didn’t know as well. “You mean besides Jon?” Brian asked, somewhat amused by the way Nick was fumbling over his words. He’d gladly tell Nick anything he wanted to know, happy to finally be able to share everything with him. Nick nodded and bit his lip, his eyes curious. 

“Well, there was nothing serious,” Brian began as he settled his arm around Nick’s waist. “Besides Jonathan and well…you, I’ve only slept with one other guy.” Now that Brian was so utterly happy, that night and the reason behind him spending it with that guy seemed extremely lame. “When?” Nick asked curiously. Brian sighed. “Nick, you had just told me that you…that you had fallen in love for the first time. Do you remember? Nick nodded and smiled slightly. “Yeah…Stacy…” he replied softly. Brian nodded. “I was devastated. I mean, I had watched you with her for a while, and I knew that the two of you were getting closer but it…well it hurt Nicky. So I went out that night…went out and found this guy. His name was Ryan. It was a one night thing and I woke up the next morning feeling even worse.” 

Nick looked at him in surprise. “All because of me?” He asked softly, sounding incredulous. Brian smiled sadly. “It wasn’t your fault baby. I shouldn’t have let myself get so upset.” He stopped for a second and kissed Nick suddenly, almost needing to reassure himself that everything was ok now. When they broke apart, Brian smiled at him and continued. “Besides that well…sometimes I’d sneak out and find a club or a bar where I could make out with someone. I was lonely and occasionally it was just nice to…be held, kissed, touched. There was never anything serious though. A few of them were even fans,” he said with a small grin. Nick giggled. “Really?!” Brian smiled wider. “Yeah…one of them…his name was Nicholas and he managed to figure out all of my feelings in a matter of minutes.” Nick laughed. “Nicholas?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. Brian blushed and smiled guiltily. “Yep…he was sweet, tried his best to convince me you guys wouldn’t hate me if I told you I was gay.” Nick smiled and pulled Brian in for another kiss. 

He settled himself on Brian’s chest when they pulled apart and sighed happily as he began tracing invisible patters on Brian’s upper arm. “Bri?” He asked softly, his breath warm on Brian’s skin. “Yeah?” “Why didn’t you ever notice?” Brian waited a moment to see if he’d continue. When he didn’t he asked, “Notice what Nicky?” “My feelings…I mean I never realized that what I felt for you was more than friendship but, well, you were always looking for it…why didn’t you see it?” Brian sighed softly and absorbed the younger man’s words carefully. “I don’t know baby,” he finally replied. “I think that maybe…I had convinced myself that we would never be together so I couldn’t see it either. But there were clues I should have picked up on,” he said, thinking back to that morning Nick had held him and moaned his name. Nick raised his head and looked into Brian’s eyes. “Clues?” 

Brian nodded and smiled. “Like what?” Nick asked curiously. “Well like the last time we were here together,” Brian began. “Now that I look back on it…there were things that happened that, well, they were more than things two friends would do.” Nick blushed. “You’re right,” he said, agreeing. Another memory of that sweet weekend popped into his mind. “Bri, do you remember the evening that we were on the floor downstairs in front of the fire and we…I was lying down with my head in your lap. You were just stroking my hair…we weren’t even talking…” Brian smiled. “Yes Nick, I remember…I wanted to kiss you so badly. I wanted to pull you up into my arms and kiss you…you looked so beautiful.” Nick blushed again and smiled tenderly. “What else? What other clues?” He asked, very curious to know of things he had done that were more than just friendly. “Well, one thing that happened left me so confused. It wasn’t too long ago either. It was a few days before you met Mack…. I know you remember…it was the night you came to my room and said you had a nightmare and then forgot your key so you stayed. You remember right?” Nick nodded, looking guilty suddenly. “I didn’t forget my key Bri,” he said softly. Brian smiled. “I know…I saw you use it the next morning.” Nick laughed. “Why didn’t you confront me on it then?” He asked. “Well, there was more to it than that,” Brian went on. “You know how you freaked out the next morning cause you were holding me?” Nick nodded, smiling. “Well Nicky, you weren’t just holding me.” Nick cocked his head to the side. “What do you mean?” Brian’s eyes were soft as he told Nick how he had kissed the back of his neck, slipped his hand beneath his shirt and pressed their bodies together. “And you murmured something about how I tasted good and then…you moaned my name.” “What?” Nick asked, amazed. “I did?! Why didn’t you say anything?” “Well, I convinced myself that you were just dreaming, that your dreams didn’t necessarily reflect real life.” Nick shifted up and kissed Brian deeply, slipping his tongue past his lips to taste him. “I’m not a dream anymore,” Nick murmured against his mouth. “I’m here now and I’m staying forever…I love you.” Brian squeezed his body tightly. “I love you too.” 

They lay, contentedly in each other’s arms for about an hour more looking out at the ocean and kissing one another occasionally. But eventually, they decided to leave their warm cocoon and get something to eat. Once they were settled outside on the deck with some food, Brian asked Nick if he had told the guys where he was going. Nick shook his head. “No…because I wasn’t one hundred percent sure you’d be here.” “I should call Kevin and tell him we’re both ok and--” “I sent him a text message last night to tell him I’d found you and that I’d call him later,” Nick interrupted. “Maybe I should call him back now, huh?” Brian smiled and nodded. “Yeah, that would probably be a good idea.” Nick stood up and gave him a kiss. “Be right back babe, my phone’s in the car.” 

“Nick? Where are you?” Kevin asked. Nick grabbed a few more things out of his car and shut the door. “I’m with Bri. Everything’s fine now Kev. We’ll see you when we meet up in Atlanta, ok?” “But Nick, I--” “Kevin,” Nick interrupted, sounding patient. “We’re fine. We’ll talk about it when we see you again. Don’t worry, ok?” Kevin reluctantly agreed, but he knew something was up. Nick sounded very different…very happy. “Ok Nick, tell Brian I said hi and I’ll see you both in two weeks.” “Bye Kev.” 

The two of them spent the rest of that day being lazy. They took a long walk on the beach, hand in hand, after they ate. The water felt too cold to swim but Brian had a hard time getting Nick out of it. He waded around in it up to his knees looking for fish, shells and anything else that caught his eye. Brian watched him with a smile, still reveling in the fact that Nick was his now, that he had promised him forever. When Nick finally dragged himself out of the water it was almost sundown. The two of them ate what little food was left in the beach house, knowing they’d have to drive the few miles to the only store on the island tomorrow.  

After eating, Brian built a fire and the two of them sat cuddled together in front of it for a few hours, talking and laughing about almost anything. When their words and giggles melted into kisses, it was soft and passionate. Slowly, their desire for each other grew hotter and more needy. Nick crawled on top of Brian and slipped his hands beneath his shirt. He was nervous about what he wanted to do, but was determined nonetheless. They kissed deeply, tongues wrapping around each other and exploring one another’s mouths. Nick broke the kiss in order to pull Brian’s shirt over his head. Brian, in turn, removed Nick’s shirt and tossed it to the floor next to his own. Brian moaned softly and threaded his fingers through Nick’s hair as the blonde sucked on his neck. “Your skin is so soft…so sweet…” he murmured as he made his way down Brian’s chest. Nick slipped off the couch and knelt on the floor between Brian’s legs. With nervous fingers, he unbuttoned Brian’s jeans, leaning forward to kiss and lick his chest as he did so.  

When Nick tugged on his jeans, Brian lifted his hips so that Nick could pull them off, along with his boxers. Brian cupped Nick’s cheek in his hand and looked into his eyes, letting him know that he would be as patient as Nick needed. Tentatively, Nick slid his hands down Brian’s chest to his hips. He went further; slid them down his thighs and hooked them under the older man’s knees. He pulled Brian’s body towards him so that he slouched down further on the couch. “Bri…” “Whatever you like…” Brian whispered, stroking Nick’s cheek with his fingertips. He was breathing heavily, aroused solely from their earlier kisses and from the way Nick was studying him and touching him. He looked nervous yet so determined. Nick’s heart was beating a mile a minute; he wanted to do this, wanted to give Brian the pleasure he had received last night, but there was no denying how uneasy he was. 

Brian was breathing heavily, his body flushed and trembling. “Nicky…please touch me,” he begged softly, not wanting to rush his lover but desperate for his touch. Nick bit his lip and ran his hand down Brian’s abs. Lightly, Nick let his fingers stroke the length of his cock, shivering at the sound of Brian’s soft moan. Encouraged, he closed his fingers around him and stoked him gently, watching as his head fell back against the couch. After a few more moments, they both wanted more. Their eyes met once more for a brief second as Nick took Brian’s hips in his hands. Swallowing his inhibitions, Nick lowered his head and let his tongue touch the tip of Brian’s hard cock. Brian’s body jerked in surprise and pleasure, and then he moaned as Nick closed his mouth around the tip of him.  

Nick sucked him tentatively at first, then with more determination as he realized he liked it much more than he had anticipated. He loved it. The feel of Brian in his mouth, the way he tasted…it gave him a rush to be able to make Brian shiver with pleasure this way. He took more and more of Brian into his mouth, relaxing his throat to bring him deeper. Brian’s hands found their way into Nick’s hair and he couldn’t help tugging on it. “Oh God Nicky…your mouth…so good,” he moaned as he felt himself hit the back of Nick’s throat. He looked down and met the blonde’s eyes…he couldn’t get over how hot Nick looked like that. It didn’t take much from there. Nick let him slip slightly out of his mouth before taking him deep again. He let Brian slide in and out of his warm, wet mouth as he squeezed his hips. He could feel that Brian was close and he prepared himself for what he knew was coming. Brian tugged on his hair and moaned his name. “Oh fuck Nicky…I can’t…Nick!” He moaned loudly as he came, his limbs turning into jelly as pleasure washed through him. Nick swallowed him quickly, instantly liking the way he tasted. 

Brian pulled him up into his arms and licked and kissed his lips and chin, lapping up what Nick hadn’t swallowed. “You’re so good Nicky,” Brian purred between kisses, rubbing his leg against the bulge in Nick’s pants. Nick moaned. “I want you so much baby,” Brian whispered. “Let’s go upstairs…” The two of them disentangled themselves and, like the previous night, made their way to the bedroom. 

Once there, Brian quickly helped Nick remove his pants and boxers and they tumbled into bed. Brian pulled Nick down on top of him, running his hands down his back and over his ass. He pushed his hips upwards into the younger man’s and forced Nick to move against him. Nick moaned as his painfully hard cock rubbed against Brian’s. Brian felt himself start to get hard again, all because of Nick’s touch, Nick’s kiss and Nick’s desperate little moans. “I want you Bri,” Nick moaned helplessly. He kissed Brian deeply, his tongue all over his mouth. “Make love to me Nick,” Brian whispered against the younger man’s swollen lips. 

Brian could see that despite the younger man’s desperation, he was nervous and unsure. He pulled Nick close and kissed him sweetly. His fingers were like feathers on Nick’s cheek, neck and shoulder. Nick melted beneath his soft kisses and caresses, wanting more but unwilling to stop Brian’s gentle touches. “Love you,” Brian murmured against Nick’s mouth. Nick looked down into Brian’s blue yes, struck again by the intensity of his feelings. Never breaking their eye contact, Brian reached over to the side of the bed and found the same lotion they had used last night. Nick moaned, his head falling forward, as Brian began spreading the lotion on his hard cock. “Now baby,” Brian moaned, pulling his knees up, his eyes begging. Nick took Brian’s hips in his hands and looked into his eyes. “I need you Nicky…” Brian pleaded, desperate to have his lover inside of him. 

Nick’s mouth fell open in a silent scream as he pushed into Brian. He went slowly, unable to believe how good it felt. Brian watched him the whole time, unable to look away from his gorgeous face, flush with newfound pleasure. Brian’s body jerked with slight pain but quickly turned into a hot, searing, consuming pleasure. Nick…his Nick…inside him, loving him…. He wanted to pull Nick deeper, force him all the way in all at once, but he wouldn’t deny his lover of this first time pleasure and all the feelings that went along with it. 

Nick’s eyes burned with desperation and amazement when he looked into Brian’s. “So good…” he whispered, pushing further, not stopping this time until he was completely buried in Brian’s hot tightness. “Oh fuck…Brian,” he moaned breathlessly, squeezing the older man’s hips. He couldn’t get over how good Brian felt…he had never felt pleasure like this in his life. Desperate for more, Brian wrapped his legs around Nick’s back and forced him to move. “More Nick…please,” he begged, running his hands up Nick’s arms. Nick pulled back slightly, thrusting back into Brian quickly. They both moaned, gripping onto one another tightly as Nick thrust into him again and again. Brian pulled him down and kissed him deeply, tangling his tongue with Nick’s, moaning into his mouth each time Nick thrust into him and hit his prostate. Nick couldn’t get enough of him and despite his best efforts to make it last as long as possible, the pleasure was just too intense, too powerful, and he knew he couldn’t hold on much longer. 

“Bri…I can’t…so hot…so fucking tight…Bri please….” Brian pushed his heels into Nick’s back and forced him deeper. He looked up into Nick’s eyes…he looks so beautiful. Eyes glazed over with pleasure, cheeks flushed, hair sweaty and stuck to his forehead, lips swollen… “Brian,” Nick whimpered, lost in his eyes. He thrust inside of him once more, bringing them both to orgasm. They moaned one another’s names as pleasure washed over them both, their bodies and souls becoming one.  

Eventually Nick collapsed on top of Brian, breathing heavily. Brian smiled to himself as he tried to catch his breath. They lay that way for several minutes, reveling in their closeness, their love. He whimpered softly with loss when Nick finally pulled out of him and rolled onto his side. Nick kissed him tenderly, running his fingers through his sweaty curls. “That was fantastic Brian…I love you,” he said softly, his eyes bright. Brian smiled back, kissed him and gathered him close. “I love you too baby.” 

The remaining days of their two-week break were spent in much the same way as that first one. The weather warmed up a bit so they spent several hours on the beach walking, swimming…it didn’t matter what really, because they were together. Their nights were spent in each other’s arms, making love in front of the fire, in bed, or even outside on the beach under the stars. If he were still awake when Nick fell asleep Brian would stare at him for as long as he could keep his eyes open, tracing patterns on his soft skin and still wondering how he had become so lucky. Nick too was still amazed that he was part of this relationship…Brian made him complete, kept him safe, loved him. He had never felt love, never received love like this before…he knew that no matter what he’d never let it go. 

The night before they had to leave they lay together in bed wrapped in one another’s arms. Nick had left the sliding glass doors slightly open so that they could hear the waves and feel the gentle ocean breeze. Their bodies were still warm, still flushed from making love. Their hands wandered each other’s skin idly as they looked into each other’s eyes. “Bri, I want to tell the guys,” Nick whispered nervously. “I don’t…I’m not ready to tell my family yet but…I want the guys to know…please?” He asked softly. He knew just how scared Brian had been before to admit his sexuality but he wanted more than anything to tell the friends that were his brothers. Brian’s face softened and he ran his hand through Nick’s hair. “I want to tell them too,” Brian replied. And he did…he had been so terrified of it before, but now he had Nick with him, he had Nick’s love and it gave him more strength, courage… And he could see how important this was to Nick and he wouldn’t disappoint him. But it was also something he wanted to do for himself. 

The next morning they left the beach house reluctantly. It seemed too soon to return to reality, to return to a world where they weren’t the only two people in it. But, at the same time, they knew everything would be fine. They had each other and that was all that really mattered. 

***

“You’re ready?” Nick asked softly, framing Brian’s face in his hands and looking into his eyes. They were in Brian’s hotel room, minutes away from telling their friends that they were in love and together. Brian nodded and kissed him gently. When they had arrived at the hotel they had been surprised and relived to discover that neither Kevin, AJ nor Howie were there yet. Nick had thrown his stuff in his room and had quickly joined Brian in his. Once their three friends had arrived Brian had called each of them and asked them to meet in his room that evening. They had all eagerly agreed, anxious to discover everything that was going on between Brian and Nick. 

Had he not been so nervous, Nick would’ve laughed at the three of them. They all showed up at Brian’s door at the exact same time with eager expressions on their faces. Nick and Brian sat on one bed, Kevin, Howie and AJ on the other. The five of them could only remember a few times in their history when they had all been in one room and had been so quiet. Those times had always meant something serious…Brian’s heart surgery, AJ’s drinking…. 

“Could you guys please tell me what’s going on before I go insane?” AJ asked, breaking the awkward silence. They all smiled and the tension lifted. Brian and Nick glanced at each other and smiled nervously. Brian nodded at him, encouraged by the love he saw in his eyes. He turned to face his three friends and took a deep breath. “Guys, there’s something I want to tell you. Something I’ve wanted to tell you for a very long time but…I was too afraid to. I trust you all with my life and I love you but…I was just so scared…” “What is it Brian?” Kevin asked kindly, his eyes warm. AJ and Howie wore similar expressions of curiosity and compassion. Brian, again, glanced at Nick who nodded and smiled. He took Brian’s hand in his own and squeezed it. Brian shut his eyes and took a deep breath. 

The three of them noticed this slight exchange between the two best friends but it wasn’t anything they weren’t used to seeing…still they each got the distinct feeling that it meant a lot more now. When Brian opened his eyes again he was met with the curious, but kind gazes of his friends and he was no longer afraid. “I’m gay…that’s what I was so afraid to tell you, to tell Nick…” He looked at them all hopefully and smiled when their expressions softened. Not one of them was really shocked; they had each had their suspicions over the years, but had waited, patiently, for Brian to tell them on his own. 

Nick watched them all carefully and was surprised when they didn’t seem more shocked. Before any of them could say a word, he spoke. “You…knew, didn’t you?” He asked, his eyes darting between them. AJ and Howie said nothing, trying their best to look innocent. Kevin smiled at first Nick and then Brian. He reached out between the two beds and took Brian’s other hand in his own. “Did you?” Brian asked softly. Kevin nodded and smiled. “It was never anything specific,” Kevin said softly. “Just things like the fact that you never had a girlfriend, never really looked at or cared about the girls who would hang all over us, and…” he trailed off, unsure how to phrase his other comment. He knew Howie and AJ were wondering the same thing as he was. “And what Kev?” Brian asked, his eyes fixed on his cousin. Kevin looked down at the ground quickly and then back up. “Nick,” he said softly. 

“Me?” Nick whispered, not understanding. “Nick?” Brian asked softly, sounding just as confused. Kevin smiled softly at both of them. He wouldn’t have ventured this information if he wasn’t sure. But one look at the two of them now and he knew…he could see it in their eyes, in the way they looked at each other, in the way they were holding hands. Kevin knew he was right, and so he knew his words wouldn’t do any harm. “Yes,” he replied. “Brian, I could see it in the way you looked at Nick…” “He’s right,” Howie spoke up, smiling sweetly at the two of them. “I saw it too Bri.” Neither Brian nor Nick said a word. Brian too shocked to discover his friends had practically known all along. Nick too amazed that while his friends had been able to see Brian’s love for him, he had missed it. 

“Only now, the same look is in Nick’s eyes too,” AJ said softly, smiling at the two of them. Both Nick and Brian looked into their friends’ eyes, surprised that they had figured it out so easily, but then again, the five of them almost always knew one another’s every move. And when the surprise faded they noticed what was more important…Kevin, AJ and Howie were all smiling, their eyes warm and loving. Nick took a deep breath and squeezed Brian’s hand. “Guys, we’re…together,” Nick said softly, blushing. “We’re in love,” he added in a whisper as he lowered his eyes, not ashamed, just embarrassed. Brian smiled and nodded, confirming Nick’s words. He wrapped his arm around Nick’s waist and pulled him closer. They told their three friends what had happened in the past few weeks, starting with Mackenzie and ending with Nick finding Brian at the beach house. 

“So you’re both happy now?” Kevin asked, always the big brother wanting to make sure they were ok. They nodded and smiled. “Good,” he said smiling, emphasizing that their happiness was most important. After several hugs, laughs and a confirmation of dinner plans, Kevin, AJ and Howie left. Brian and Nick fell onto the bed and quickly pulled each other close. Nick kissed him softly, running his fingers through his hair. “That was easy, huh?” Nick asked, smiling brightly. Brian laughed. “I can’t believe they knew all along,” he said, letting his fingers caress the back of Nick’s neck. Nick smiled and said, “I can’t believe it either. I mean they knew all along but I didn’t!” After a few moments Nick added, “Maybe it’s cause I was too close to the situation…that’s why I couldn’t see it.” He shrugged and kissed Brian again sweetly. “But it doesn’t really matter now, does it?” Brian smiled and shook his head. “Nope…doesn’t matter at all,” he whispered, kissing his lover tenderly. The two of them fell asleep for a few hours, tired from their flight and from revealing their feelings to their friends. Neither of them could picture being any happier than they were right now. They had their best friends’ love and acceptance and more importantly, they had each other. 

***

A few weeks later Nick and Brian flew to New York on their day off to visit Mackenzie’s grave. Brian brought her flowers and Nick stood by, patiently watching as his lover sat in the grass and talked to her.  

“Hey baby,” Brian whispered, running his hand over the grass. “I don’t know where to start,” he said softly. “He loves me Mack…he really does,” he went on. “I don’t know if I ever would have had the courage to tell him, to come out, any of it if it hadn’t been for you.” He stopped and sighed, once again regretting the way he had treated her at times. “I’m sorry Mack. Sorry I wasn’t always there for you, didn’t always care, but I honestly did love you…still do,” he said sadly. “I just wish you could have found someone to love you the way you truly wanted.” He paused, swallowing his tears and taking a deep breath. “I know you’re happy now though,” he whispered, smiling softly. 

“You ok?” Nick asked, sitting down next to him and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. He had been able to see Brian’s regret and sorrow in his eyes and all he wanted to do was take it away. It really still amazed Nick how much he loved Brian. It was so unexpected but so incredible…it thrilled him. Brian turned and touched his hand to Nick’s cheek. “I’m fine, I just…I wish that I could’ve done some things differently,” he said softly, losing himself, as he did often, in Nick’s blue eyes. His heart still beat faster every time Nick looked at him, smiled at him, touched him… 

“She knew that you cared for her, I’m sure of it…and she loved you baby. I saw that in the hospital. She wanted your happiness…and you’re happy now,” he said softly, leaning closer so that their foreheads touched. “I’m more than happy now,” Brian whispered. “I love you so much Nick,” he said as he trailed his finger down his lover’s cheek. Nick smiled; his heart beating a little bit faster, as it did each time Brian said those words. “I love you too,” he replied, an automatic response now that meant so much to both of them. Brian sighed and leaned his head on Nick’s shoulder. They sat that way for a while, quiet, thinking about Mackenzie, about each other, just happy to be together. “She’ll always be a part of our lives Brian,” Nick whispered. “She brought us together,” he added. Brian lifted his head and looked at Nick again. “I know,” he said softly. Sighing, he turned back and looked at her tombstone. He pressed his fingers to his lips and slid his fingers across the grass.  

They stood up and made their way back to their rental car hand in hand, nothing before them now but a lifetime together. A lifetime they both intended to make the most of being happy and loving one another. Behind them the setting sun seemed to shine a little brighter for a moment, the breeze blew a little stronger, and somewhere far away was the sound of a blissful sigh. 

Epilogue – Future

“Bri?” “Out here.” Nick smiled to himself and filled the small cup he was holding with apple juice. He padded barefoot out onto the deck and plopped down onto the end of the lounge chair Brian was sitting on. He smiled at his lover, who was on the phone, and set the cup down on a nearby table. 

“She’s fine mom,” Brian said, rolling his eyes at Nick and smiling tenderly. “No really,” he insisted. He laughed. “No, you don’t have to come down here. She’s…she’s playing on the swing set right now and…” Brian was quiet for a few minutes, listening to his mother talk. Finally, exasperated, he gave up. “No mom,” he said grinning. “Here, talk to Nick ok?” Nick’s head snapped around and looked at Brian with wide eyes. Brian only smiled and handed him the phone. He started to laugh when Nick said hello in a slightly helpless voice. 

Brian picked up the small cup of apple juice and made his way off the deck to the yard below. He smiled happily as he watched the little blonde haired girl play on her swing set. The four-year-old smiled brightly when she saw him, and ran over to where he stood. She reached up with one small arm for the cup he held. Brian knelt down and kissed her forehead. “Here’s your juice princess,” he murmured softly. She giggled and eagerly grasped the cup handle. She drank it down quickly, spilling almost half of it onto her shirt, and then smiled proudly as she handed the cup back to Brian. His eyes shown brightly as he leaned down to pick her up. 

“Your mom says we should bring her inside,” Nick said as he joined them. She squirmed in Brian’s arms and reached out for Nick. He smiled softly and plucked her away from his lover. “You wanna go inside baby doll?” He asked, kissing her cheeks and smoothing her hair. She pouted. “No…I want to swing,” she said decidedly, struggling now to get out of Nick’s arms. “Daddy, put me down,” she said sweetly, her small hands wrapping around his neck and tugging gently on his hair. Nick looked around in mock confusion. “Did you hear something Bri?” He asked innocently. Brian smiled and moved closer to the pair. Playing along he answered, “No, I didn’t hear a thing!” She giggled and squirmed. “Daddy, it’s me,” she said reaching out to touch Brian as well. They continued to play with her, pretending she was invisible and making her laugh for a few more minutes. When Nick finally set her down she ran back to her swing set, picking up her favorite doll off the ground and dragging it along behind her. 

“So your mom says she needs to stay indoors since she just got over that cold, and if she gets sick again don’t think she won’t come down here in a flash!” Brian laughed at his words as they both sank down onto a large deck chair. Nick pulled Brian into his lap and kissed his cheek. “I love you,” he whispered as he wrapped his arms around his waist. Brian turned in his arms and pressed his palm to Nick’s cheek. “I love you too baby.” They snuggled close and watched their daughter play. 

Six years ago Backstreet had decided it was time for a break. They had grown up, they wanted to start families and try new things. The five of them remained as close as they had always been, and they didn’t doubt that they would make another album someday. It was at that time Brian and Nick came out to their families. It hadn’t been easy…it had been quite hard and very upsetting. But in the end things had worked themselves out. Both families had been shocked, scared, upset and confused at first. But there was never that sense of rejection and hatred that Brian had always feared. After the initial shock wore off, both families were able to see how very much in love Brian and Nick really were. Above all they wanted their children to be happy, and although there was no denying it would take some time to get used to, they were eventually able to see that the two of them were, indeed, very happy together. 

Two years later the two of them made a momentous decision. After seeing Kevin and Kristin with their newborn child, they had both confessed to each other how much they wanted children. And after much discussion and planning, they began the process of adopting a child. 

The little girl that was now theirs had been a year old when they had brought her into their home. Her mother had been single and alone when she had her, and had died while giving birth. She was a beautiful, fragile little thing with blonde hair and green eyes. Those physical features were enough to complete their decision to name her after their long-dead friend, Mackenzie. When they had first brought her home they had been terrified. The two of them knew nothing about babies and they were sure they’d do something wrong. But like most parents, they learned. They loved her instantly and powerfully and the bond they each began to form with her made their own love even stronger. It also brought their families closer to them again. No one could even think about their relationship being ‘wrong’ when they saw them with her. And the two of them were amazed by her. They would stand over her as she slept and watch her for the longest time…arms around one another’s waists, heads pressed together. “Can you believe she’s ours Bri?” “She’s perfect Nicky…” 

Each year since they had confessed their love they made a trip to the beach house in North Carolina. It held a special place in both of their sentimental hearts; the night they had come together for the first time still firmly engrained in them both. Brian’s mom had been happy to watch after Mackenzie the last two years while they had gone there. But this year, in a few short weeks, they were taking her with them. She was as much a part of them now as they were of each other. 

Later on that evening after Mack had been placated with three bedtime stories, only to fall asleep in the middle of the third one, the two of them curled up with each other on the living room couch. “I can’t believe she starts kindergarten this year,” Brian whispered, leaning back into Nick and tightening his fingers on Nick’s arms. Nick squeezed his body tighter and leaned down to kiss his neck. “I know…” 

Brian turned around in his arms and linked his fingers behind Nick’s neck. He smiled sweetly and pressed his mouth to Nick’s. Brian shivered when Nick slipped his hands beneath his shirt and flattened them against his back. Brian kissed him softly, deeply, letting him feel his love. Nick held him tightly and looked into his eyes when they broke the kiss. “Love you Bri,” he said softly, his eyes warm, a lazy smile on his lips. Brian smiled back and snuggled down into his embrace. “I love you too Nick…always.”

The End

 

Tell Rhonda what you thought of her story!