Chapter 3

It was only days away and Brian was miserable. Nick was leaving. Summer was over, and his best friend was now eighteen, graduated from high school, and ready to begin college…in New York City…three thousand miles away. He had encouraged him to apply. He knew how interested in art Nick was, and how talented he was. Brian wanted him to have every opportunity, and Nick’s parents had agreed with Brian saying that New York was the best place to nurture that talent. Nick had been reluctant, though he knew deep down that they were right. But he was scared to leave home, to leave his family, his friends…Brian. He knew he’d be lonely, and despite coming out of his shell the last few years in high school, he was still very shy and could easily revert back to that frightened, insecure child he had been before. When he had been accepted at one of the best art schools in the city he had been thrilled, but that feeling of nervousness stuck with him all the while. 

Brian was excited for Nick. He knew his friend had a wonderful future before him and the last thing he wanted to do was hold him back in any way. But he didn’t want to let Nick go either. College meant new people, new things, becoming independent…Brian didn’t want to be left behind. Because he needed Nick…quite possibly more than Nick had ever needed him. He had a job now as a public relations director with a local branch of a large record company, and his field had garnered him some new friends, people he occasionally got together with…but still, no one came close to Nick. 

After their one night together, nothing had really changed. Brian was still fascinated with Nick, with his beauty…as much as Brian had been infatuated with his youthful appearance, he found Nick even more attractive now. And Nick still admired Brian more than anyone, to the point of almost worshipping him with puppy love. But it hadn’t gone any further, and the sex hadn’t made things strange, hadn’t made them distant. They were still the closest of best friends…they still kissed each other when no one else was around. But both of them seemed to agree, without any words, that they shouldn’t take that road again. It had just been too intense; too powerful…they were both a little scared of everything they had felt that night. 

But Brian wasn’t alone in his unhappiness. Nick too was miserable…and terrified. On some level he was excited…he was looking forward to college, and to being on his own. But at the same time he was so scared. He had never been away from his family for more than a few days at a time. And the only times that had happened he had been with Brian. Brian…that was even worse. He couldn’t bear the thought of being so far away from Brian for so long. He needed his best friend so much. Brian wouldn’t be there to help him through his fears, to encourage him, to make him smile…to kiss him. What if the connection they held, the bond they shared…what if it broke when he went away? What if Brian forgot about him? In his heart he knew that wouldn’t happen, but he was nervous and feeling overly insecure.  

The two of them were side by side on beach chairs, facing away from the water, sitting on the edge of the party. Nick’s parents had thrown him a going away party, inviting mostly family and their friends, being that Nick’s high school friends were busy getting ready to leave for college themselves, although some of them had come over for a little bit earlier in the afternoon. In two days Nick would be getting on an airplane and flying across the country, probably not returning until Christmastime…Thanksgiving at the earliest. They sat together in silence as they watched the party. Neither of them wanted to talk about it, because neither wanted to believe it was going to happen. 

A few weeks ago Nick had suggested, as they lay curled up together on Brian’s couch one evening, that Brian look for a job in New York and move with him. It had been a fleeting idea, just words that had slipped out of his mouth before he had processed them. He just wanted Brian to be close to him. But he knew it wouldn’t work. First of all he knew, after Brian had confessed to him one evening early on in their friendship, that Brian did not want to be that close to his family. The idea that one of his parents or even his brother would be able to just drop in on him at any moment made him cringe. They would only criticize him, his lifestyle; make him feel bad, guilty and unloved. He liked having a three thousand mile buffer zone from them. Secondly, Nick knew Brian wouldn’t come, knew he shouldn’t come because…Nick needed to be on his own. He needed Brian desperately…but he needed to be his own person too. And no matter how much he cared for him, Nick knew he couldn’t do that if Brian was always there to catch him when he fell. Nonetheless, the idea of moving to New York with Nick had appealed greatly to Brian for a few minutes, because he wanted more than anything to stay nearby his best friend. But, like Nick, he had quickly thought of several reasons why it wouldn’t work out. He couldn’t be that near his family, and even though it hurt him more than he could say…he knew he had to let Nick fly. Let him find himself and the man he wanted to become. And Brian knew he couldn’t do that with him watching every step of the way. 

It was almost nine thirty and both of them were getting restless. Nick was, of course, spending the night at Brian’s and he wanted to leave the party now. He glanced over at his friend and reached out and squeezed his hand. Brian turned his head and smiled. “I’ll be right back Bri,” he said as he stood up. Brian watched him go; knowing he was going to find his parents and tell them they were leaving. He looked up at the sky and shivered unexpectedly. Sadness washed over him as he thought about Nick. When he left Brian would be alone again. There was always his aunt Cindy, but she couldn’t fill the space Nick’s leaving would cause. No one could. 

He looked over to where his best friend stood, saying goodbye to some of his relatives. A lump formed in his throat and he found himself unable to look away. Tonight would be their last night alone together. Brian would see him tomorrow, he knew, and then on the following day he had promised Nick he’d go to the airport with them but…tonight was theirs. He watched Nick smiling and hugging family goodbye and he felt his heartbeat speed up and his skin warm. Our last night together…alone. Suddenly, Brian knew what he wanted, what he needed. He wanted to make love to Nick tonight. He needed that connection so badly…needed it now before Nick went away and left him unable to touch him anymore.  

Brian looked away from his friend’s smiling face and down the beach. The lights from other people’s beach houses began to blur as his eyes filled with tears. It was too hard. Thoughts of Nick leaving, of losing him, consumed him now more than ever before. He didn’t think he’d be able to do it. He couldn’t let him go.  

“You know…he’s not going to stop needing you,” a kind voice said softly. Quickly, Brian wiped at his eyes and looked up into his aunt’s warm gaze. She sat down next to him and took his hand in her own. “I don’t wanna let him go,” Brian whispered. Cindy’s heart broke as she watched Brian’s eyes fill with tears again. She pulled him into her arms and smoothed his hair. She knew her nephew was in terrible pain…broken hearted because his best friend was leaving. And she knew that Brian probably didn’t even realize why he felt so lost. He didn’t see it, wouldn’t let himself see it…but he felt so much more for Nick than friendship. She had believed Brian when he had told her that they weren’t sleeping together, but she guessed that by now they had. They were too close to just be friends…yet at the same time, she knew that neither of them considered the other anything more than a best friend. 

“But sweetie…you have to,” she said softly. He pulled back and wiped his eyes. He looked over at Nick for a few moments before turning back to meet her eyes. “I know,” he whispered. “But it’ll be so hard! And what if he forgets about me? What if he leaves me behind? I just…” “Shh…Brian, calm down,” she said soothingly, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder. “He’s not gonna forget you,” she said firmly. He wanted to argue, but he knew, in his heart that she was right. He wouldn’t forget but…what she said was true. He had to let him go for now. 

“Si tu aimes quelque chose, laisse le libre. Si il revient a tu, c'est votre. S'il ne revient pas, c'est qu'il ne avait jamais etre,” she said softly. He smiled softly and nodded before lowering his head. “I know he’ll come back to you,” she whispered, tipping his chin up. “But you have to let him go for now.” He nodded again and hugged her. “Thank you aunt Cindy,” he whispered. Nick returned to their chairs a few moments later and smiled. “Hi Cindy,” he said, smiling. She and Brian stood up and Cindy gave Nick a hug. “Good luck at school sweetie…I’ll miss you.” Nick smiled and hugged her back. “I’ll miss you too.” 

After a few more goodbyes they were finally in Brian’s car on the way to his apartment. They rode in silence, both of them lost in thought. Nick didn’t know how to approach Brian with what he wanted. It had been so long since they had made love that one and only time…but that’s what he wanted now. He needed to be that close to Brian again before he went away. But Brian was thinking the same thoughts. Once in the apartment Nick plopped himself down on the couch in his normal spot and turned on the TV while Brian grabbed a can of Pepsi out of the fridge and then joined him. Nick instantly and automatically curled up next to him and Brian slid his arm around his shoulders. Still neither of them said anything, both of them scared to ask the other for what they so desperately wanted. But after about a half an hour Nick had pulled Brian closer and almost absently began to kiss his neck. Brian sighed and shut his eyes as he let his head fall back against the couch. He turned his head and cupped Nick’s cheek in his palm. They kissed softly, licking each other’s lips and tongues. There was no hurry, no real sense of urgency…they just wanted to keep touching, to keep kissing. 

They continued kissing each other slowly and softly for a long time until Brian finally pulled back. By now they had their arms all around each other, their bodies pressed tightly together. He looked into Nick’s eyes and kissed him again, never breaking their eye contact. When he broke the kiss he whispered, “Nicky…let me make love to you tonight…” Nick’s eyes lit up in surprise and happiness. “I just…I’m gonna miss you so much and I want to be close to you…” Nick silenced his nervous ramblings with a kiss and then smiled into his eyes. “I wanted to ask you to…to make love to me tonight…I just wasn’t sure if I should,” Nick said shyly. Brian slid his hand to the back of Nick’s neck and let his fingers caress his soft blonde hair. Nick moved his hand from its current position on Brian’s hip to his lower back and pulled him even closer. Brian rested his forehead on Nick’s and stared into his eyes. He squeezed Nick’s body tightly as he watched the blonde’s eyes start to fill with tears. 

“Shh…baby don’t cry,” Brian whispered, his breath tickling Nick’s lips. Nick squeezed his eyes shut as a tear spilled over and ran down his cheek. Brian hadn’t called him baby since they had made love the first time. Nick leaned closer and dropped his head to Brian’s shoulder, burying his face in his older friend’s neck. He hated to cry right now…he wanted to act like an adult and be brave about everything, but…being here now in Brian’s arms just made him realize how much he was going to miss his best friend. Brian wrapped both of his arms tightly around Nick’s back and kissed the side of his head. “I’m scared Brian,” Nick whispered, his breath hot against Brian’s skin. “I know you are,” Brian replied, soothingly stroking his friend’s back. “But I also know you’re excited,” he went on. “And you should be. You’re going to love New York and college…and you’ll be on your own, becoming independent. And it’s ok that you be a little scared, but I know you’ll be fine.” Nick looked up, his teary eyes meeting Brian’s, and squeezed his friend’s back. “You really think so?” He asked softly. Brian smiled and ran his fingers down Nick’s cheek. “I know so. I know you and I know you will be fine.” 

Nick smiled, a soft wobbly smile that made Brian’s heart melt, and kissed him gently. “But I’m going to miss you so much!” He said, once again upset. Brian looked down briefly, and tried to control his own emotions. “I’m going to miss you too Nick,” he replied in a whisper, looking into the boy’s blue eyes. “You won’t forget about me, will you?” Nick asked, his voice trembling. Brian felt his heart constrict in his chest and tears form in his eyes. He leaned forward and kissed Nick warmly, slipping his tongue past his lips and sweeping it over Nick’s mouth. “I’ll never forget you…I need you too much,” he whispered against Nick’s lips. “I’m just afraid you’ll go away and become independent and…and you won’t need me anymore,” he said softly, confessing his biggest fear. Nick pulled back and framed Brian’s face in his hands. He leaned forward and kissed the single tear that had spilled over onto Brian’s cheek. “That will never happen…you’re my best friend and I’ll always need you. Nothing will change that.” 

Their soft kisses and gentle touches soon turned into more, leaving them both breathless and eager for more. Brian was the first to break away, standing up and leading Nick to his bedroom. They kissed each other slowly, wanting to make the night last as long as possible. “You’re so beautiful Nicky,” Brian breathed as he tenderly stripped him of his clothes. Nick blushed and reached for Brian as soon as he too was naked. They fell into bed together, kissing deeply as flames of passion and desire soon consumed them both. 

They made love for hours, getting lost in one another, neither wanting to let go. Every touch was hot and full of passion, yet at the same time they were both tender with each other, taking the time to explore one another’s bodies, touching every inch of each other’s skin. Nick knew there was more now…the things he was starting to feel were deeper than friendship. But he didn’t know how to identify those feelings. And he was terrified of them. They made him feel safe and they made him feel more afraid than he had ever been in his life…all at the same time. All he knew was that he didn’t want to let Brian go. Every touch, every kiss was magic. They held each other tightly as they made love and neither ever wanted to let go. As Brian moved within him he could feel nothing else, wanted nothing else, and he knew, then, that the two of them would be forever connected. 

Brian too, was lost. He looked into Nick’s eyes as their bodies became one and he saw so much more there than he had ever seen before. And he knew if he could see his own eyes in a mirror they would look the same way. But he couldn’t allow it to go any further. He was frightened of anything more…he needed for Nick to remain his best friend and only his best friend because anything else would risk his getting hurt. It would only result in heartache. He didn’t trust love, couldn’t let himself fall…and he couldn’t allow Nick to feel that way either, because he couldn’t return those feelings. And he would hate to be responsible for breaking Nick’s beautiful heart. 

Brian lay atop Nick, the two of them breathing deeply and recovering from their intense orgasms. Nick held his sweaty body tightly, refusing to let him go. Eventually Brian looked up, kissed his friend softly, and then made a move to get up. But Nick pulled him back down and shook his head. “No…” he whispered fervently. “Please don’t…please stay…just for a little bit longer. I want to feel you inside me for a little bit more…please,” he begged softly. Brian felt his heart constrict in his chest as he looked down into Nick’s pleading eyes. They kissed each other tenderly before Brian nuzzled his head into the crook of Nick’s neck. The two of them fell asleep that way for a little over an hour. When Brian woke up he looked down at the face of his sleeping best friend and smiled. As gently as he could he pulled out of him and rolled off him onto his side. Nick stirred and his eyes slowly fluttered open. He turned on his side and reached for Brian, needing him close. Brian held his younger friend tightly, wrapping his arms around him and slipping his leg between Nick’s. 

They shared the same pillow, and lay together, staring into one another’s eyes. Brian sighed as he felt Nick’s fingers playing with his hair. They didn’t say anything…they didn’t need to. Both of them knew how hard it was going to be to say goodbye. It wasn’t as if they were saying goodbye forever…but at the moment, it felt that way. Brian pressed closer to him and kissed his precious friend again, squeezing his eyes shut and memorizing the feel of him in his arms. He had a feeling he’d be reliving this night in his head for many weeks to come. Nick kissed Brian back sweetly and held onto him tightly. When they broke apart, Brian smiled softly and traced Nick’s face with his fingertips. Nick nestled closer and pressed his cheek to Brian’s. Slowly, they both drifted off to sleep…a safe, comforting sleep that held dreams only of love. 

Brian spent the entire next day with Nick at his house. The two of them, along with Nick’s family, occupied their time by packing everything that hadn’t already been shipped to New York. Occasionally, Brian and Nick would slip outside to play basketball or take Nick’s siblings down to the ocean. As long as they were doing something…any moments of inactivity allowed them time to think about Nick leaving, and neither of them were ready to face it until the last possible minute. Brian stayed and ate dinner with Nick’s family. He had done that before, several times in fact, but it was harder this time. It was hard for the obvious reason that it was Nick’s last dinner at home for about four months. But it was also hard for Brian because he felt guilty. 

He genuinely cared for Nick’s whole family. They had been nothing but kind to him ever since he had met them…they had sort of taken him in and made him part of the family. And because of that, because of that warm kindness…Brian felt like he was betraying their trust. Especially Nick’s parents. What would they think if they knew that he had taken Nick’s virginity when he had barely been sixteen? What would they say if they knew that just last night he had again, had sex with their son? Never mind the fact that Nick had been a more than willing participant in both of those instances… Would they hate him if they knew? Would they forbid Nick to see him? What if they somehow convinced Nick that what had happened between them had been wrong? But when he looked at Nick…he forgot it all. He pushed all of his crazy, nervous ramblings out of his mind. Nick would never abandon him. Not over anything that had happened between them…and not when he went away to college. For the first time, Brian began to really trust that. Nick was going away, yes, but he was also coming back. Brian knew he’d still miss him like hell but…he would survive it. They both would…because they’d always be there for each other. 

Later that night, Brian sat with Nick in his room watching television. An hour before midnight, Nick’s mom knocked on his door and came inside. She sat down next to the two of them on Nick’s bed and took her son’s hand in her own. “Sweetie…I don’t mean to sound too motherly but…well your flight is pretty early, so you should probably get to sleep…” Unexpectedly, Nick leaned over and hugged her tightly. She squeezed her eyes shut to hold back her tears and returned his embrace. Brian smiled at the sight before him, touched. But deep in his heart he was jealous. His heart ached because his own mother had never loved him that way. She had left a coldness in his heart that no one had been able to touch, and he wondered if anyone ever would. 

“Mom…Brian’s going to stay here tonight, cause he’s coming to the airport with us so it’ll be easier this way. We won’t have to pick him up or anything…ok?” She smiled at her son and nodded. “That’s fine sweetie…I’ll wake you in the morning.” Once more she hugged her son tightly. “I love you Nick,” she said softly, her voice trembling. It was going to be extremely hard for her to let him go tomorrow. He hugged her back and swallowed hard over the lump in his throat. “I love you too mom.” A few moments later she stood up and smiled at the two of them before saying goodnight. 

“Nick? You really want me to stay tonight?” Brian asked softly. He had wanted to suggest that earlier, but hadn’t wanted to seem overbearing. Nick turned to him and tried to smile, but his beautiful face crumpled into tears. Instantly Brian was there with his arms around him, pressing kisses to his cheek and neck. “Please…B-Brian please stay,” he whimpered, his body trembling in Brian’s arms. Although the idea in itself…spending the night with Nick in his childhood bedroom was somewhat illicit in Brian’s eyes, considering their relationship, he couldn’t refuse his best friend, especially not in this state. 

“Shh, don’t cry,” Brian whispered. Gently, he lay Nick down on his bed and managed to get him under the blankets. Nick sniffled softly and watched him with tearful eyes. Brian turned off the TV and the overhead light and then joined him in bed. He switched off the small lamp on Nick’s nightstand and then settled down next to his friend. Brian lay on his back and Nick snuggled close to him, using his chest as a pillow and slipping his leg between Brian’s. Brian ran his one hand up and down Nick’s back, his other caressing the blonde’s cheek and hair. Slowly, Nick’s breathing returned to normal as his tears subsided.  

“Are you ok Nicky?” Brian asked softly after a few more minutes. Nick nestled closer and whispered, “Yes…just a little scared still.” Brian kissed the top of his head and passed his fingers through Nick’s soft, silky hair. “I know that…that it’s going to be ok,” Nick went on in a soft voice. “And I really am excited to be starting college, I just…I know how much I’m going to miss my mom and dad…and Aaron and Angel. And…you.” He lifted his head and propped himself up on his elbow. “I’m going to miss you so much Brian,” he whispered, his eyes shining in the moonlight that was peeking through the blinds. Brian reached up and cupped his cheek in his palm. “I’m going to miss you too Nick…more than I can say,” he said softly, his voice hoarse with emotion. Nick leaned down and pressed his soft lips to Brian’s. Brian kissed him back tenderly, opening his mouth to welcome Nick’s tongue, sighing as they kissed each other warmly.  

When they broke the kiss Nick smiled softly at him before snuggling back down against his chest. Brian held him tightly as they fell asleep. Both of them were still hurting, still dreading the next day and their inevitable separation, but beneath all that was a calmness that hadn’t been there before. They were both confident now, that come December, Nick would return home and their relationship would be the same. Nick wouldn’t forget about him; Brian wouldn’t stop needing him. 

~*~*~ 

Nick woke up early, and when he glanced over at the clock he knew he had at least a half hour before he needed to get up and get ready. So he stayed where he was…wrapped up in Brian’s arms, their legs tangled, their fingers absently creeping beneath each other’s shirts to touch bare skin. Nick wanted time to stop…he’d be perfectly happy lying like this forever. Again those new feelings took hold of him…feelings he couldn’t identify and didn’t understand. He knew they were for Brian…what he felt when he was with Brian was more, he thought, than friendship. But it scared him and he didn’t know how to put a name to what he was feeling. He thought back to the previous night when they had made love. The feelings had been stronger then, and he could have sworn he saw the same things in Brian’s eyes. 

But he pushed them aside, trying to think rationally. Of course I’m going to feel more for him when we’re having sex! But he’s my best friend…nothing more… As he was thinking things over, he ran his fingers up and down Brian’s lower arm, loving how soft his skin felt. He knew that the relationship they shared was not typical of best friends. But it all seemed so natural and so perfect. He hadn’t trusted anyone else enough to ask them to be his first kiss, his first time…no one knew him like Brian did…no one could make him as happy as Brian could…. But still…they were just friends. Best friends…with benefits. He went still and smiled to himself. There. He had put a name to their relationship. That’s what he needed, something to call what they had. And now he had found it. He could stop worrying about all these strange feelings running through his head. It was nothing…. 

As he lay there, his eyes drifted around his bedroom, taking in the walls that had been his solace for so long. It was only after he became friends with Brian that he began to spend more time out of his room than in it. He looked down at Brian’s sleeping face and smiled. “Thank you,” he whispered sweetly. He knew he wouldn’t be the same person he was today without Brian and his friendship. He certainly would not have had the courage to go to college so far away for home. With a smile, he leaned down and softly pressed his lips to Brian’s before settling himself on his chest again. He sighed contentedly and smiled again. But when he looked across his room he noticed his door was slightly open and his eyes locked with the eyes of his mother. 

He froze, awaiting her reaction. But she didn’t yell or scream or anything quite so drastic. She just smiled at him…a nervous, slightly shocked smile, but a smile nonetheless and shut the door. As carefully as he could, Nick disentangled himself from Brian and climbed out of bed. He looked down to make sure he hadn’t woken his friend and then softly crept out of his room. As he had expected, he found his mother in the hallway, standing still, looking at nothing in particular on the wall across from her. Nick took a deep breath, stepped in front of her and took her hand in his own. She smiled softly at him and put her other hand on his cheek. “You know it doesn’t matter to me,” she said softly, her eyes full of love. He smiled and squeezed her hand, still too nervous to speak. “Nicky, I want you to know that I’m here for you anytime you need to talk…about this or anything else, ok?” He nodded. “I know that mom,” he replied softly. “And mom about Brian…I’m not…we’re not…it’s not exactly what you think,” he tried to explain, blushing and lowering his eyes. How was he supposed to tell his mother that no, they weren’t lovers, they just fooled around sometimes? “It’s ok honey…as long as you’re happy.” He smiled and hugged her, knowing she’d never require him to explain what he had with Brian. 

From the beginning he had never worried about how his parents might react to his sexuality. It wasn’t something he really wanted to bring up right away and talk about, but he knew if it did come up…they’d accept him and love him just the same. He knew this because of who they were and the open relationship he had with both of them. But also because they had taught him tolerance and acceptance of how other’s lived. And the main reason he had never really worried was because of his dad’s best friend, Michael. Michael was gay and it had never been a secret or looked upon as something that was wrong in their family. He was loved and accepted for whom he was. Nick had adored him as a child, but hadn’t seen him recently because he had moved to Europe. So he had known that his parents would never be disappointed in him because of his sexuality. 

“I’m going to miss you so much baby,” she whispered, fighting back tears. He laid his head on her shoulder and sighed. “I’m gonna miss you too mama,” he whispered. She held him for a few more moments before pulling back and quickly kissing his forehead. “Thanks mom for…for understanding,” he said softly. She smiled and squeezed his shoulder. “You better start getting ready. We have to leave here in about an hour and a half,” she said, turning to walk down the hall and begin getting ready herself. He watched her for a few moments, smiling, before going back into his room. 

~*~*~ 

After waking up Aaron and Angel and getting them breakfast, Jane found her husband shaving in their bathroom. She leaned against the sink and watched him for a few moments. He looked over at her when he was done, knowing she had something important to say. “Well…?” He asked. She sighed and looked away. “When I went to wake up Nick I found him kissing Brian…” she said in a low voice. He said nothing for a while, taking his time wiping his face with a towel and combing his hair. Finally, he looked into her eyes and put his hand on her shoulder. “What did they say?” He asked softly. “Brian was asleep,” she replied. “Nick followed me into the hall…he didn’t say much; he was very nervous. But Bob, he didn’t give me the impression that…that they’re together. But at the same time…I could tell this wasn’t the first time something had happened.”  

She started pacing nervously, picking up his towel and hanging it up, and making a point to straighten up a few things that were in no way out of order. “What did you say to Nick?” He asked, reaching out for her and holding her still. “I told him that it didn’t matter to me and that I only wanted his happiness.” He smiled and squeezed her arm. “Good…he’ll be fine…you’ll see,” he said softly. 

She nodded. “I know. And truthfully, I’m glad he has Brian. You remember the way he used to be…he was always so shy, so…sad! I hated seeing him like that. It wasn’t until he became friends with Brian that he began to come out of his shell,” she said softly, reminiscing. She smiled to herself for a few moments, looking back on Nick’s childhood years and thinking about how much he had changed. But she soon snapped out of her memories and gave her husband a quick hug. “It was just…well even though we’ve both suspected this for a while now…I still never expected to walk in on them…” she said, slightly embarrassed. He smiled back at her and nodded. “I know…but the important thing is he knows we love him no matter what. And I think, once he gets used to it…he’s going to be just fine in New York. Even if he does have to leave Brian behind for a while.” She agreed, but soon looked distressed again. “Bob, I think that…I think this is going to be harder for Brian…” He nodded. “I think you’re right.” They both made a silent promise to watch after Nick’s best friend while Nick was away. They both knew, from talking with Cindy, that he hadn’t had a very happy life so far. From the moment Nick and Brian had started to become close Cindy and Jane had been ecstatic, both thrilled to know that the two of them finally had a close friend. And Jane vowed to watch after Brian because he had been the one to make Nick happy. He had made Nick smile and laugh and let down his guard. He had given Nick courage and strength…and for all that, she would be forever grateful. 

~*~*~ 

Nick slipped back into his room and smiled when he saw that Brian was still sleeping. Knowing they wouldn’t get many chances to be alone today, he crawled into bed with his older friend and hugged him tightly. He had decided not to tell Brian what had happened with his mother. He knew that his friend was very fearful of how Nick’s parents would react if they knew about their relationship. He wanted to reassure Brian that they wouldn’t hate him for this…but unfortunately; there wasn’t enough time to explain all of his reasons. He knew if he just told Brian now that his mom had seen them together Brian would panic, and Nick didn’t have enough time right now to calm him down. Nick was confident that neither of his parents would say anything to Brian either. They wouldn’t betray his trust that way, and he was sure that his mom and dad would want to talk to him more about this first anyway. 

Brian stirred a few minutes later, loving the feeling of waking up with Nick in his arms. Nick looked up at him and smiled. He kissed him softly and sighed when Brian ran his fingers through his hair. “We need to start getting ready,” Nick whispered against his lips, looking down into his eyes. Brian kissed him again quickly. “No,” he whispered, smiling. He rolled them over and pinned Nick against the bed. “I’ve decided that I’m not going to let you go,” Brian murmured playfully, though in his heart he was completely serious. Nick giggled and slipped his hands around Brian’s waist, beneath his shirt to the small of his back. Brian leaned down and kissed him, deeply this time, sweeping his tongue across his mouth, tasting him for what probably would be the last time for a while. Nick squeezed his body tightly and surprised Brian when he wrapped his legs around his waist and kissed him deeper. Nick held tightly to him and didn’t let go even when their kiss broke. 

He looked up into Brian’s eyes and tried his best to smile. “I’ll miss you Bri,” he whispered, his eyes clouding over in sadness. “Shh…Nicky, please don’t…please don’t be sad,” Brian whispered, cupping Nick’s cheek in his palm. He knew the day would be even harder if Nick was overly upset, if he cried…Brian couldn’t stand to see him cry. “I’m gonna miss you too baby,” Brian went on softly, leaning down to kiss Nick tenderly. “But you know you can call me whenever you need to. And Christmas will be here before you know it…” Nick hugged him tightly; his legs now loosely wrapped around Brian’s legs, and buried his face in Brian’s neck. Brian smiled when he felt Nick’s soft lips press against his neck. He pulled back and kissed his friend once more before rolling off of him and getting out of bed. 

While Nick took a shower Brian quickly called his aunt Cindy to make sure she was coming to the airport with them. He knew that he was going to need to be with her after Nick left…being alone would be unbearable. When he hung up he lay back down on Nick’s bed and stared up at the ceiling. He thought back to the other night…to when they had made love. He wasn’t quite so sure that they should have…if it became a regular thing, what then? He needed Nick desperately, but he didn’t want more than friendship. He hoped to God Nick didn’t start to see them as anymore than friends…he couldn’t give him more, and the last thing he wanted was to ever hurt Nick in anyway. Maybe they shouldn’t have had sex again…. He shut his eyes and sighed. No matter what he thought they should have done, he couldn’t deny how good it had been. Just like the first time…even better because Nick wasn’t quite so shy, so scared. Brian squeezed his eyes shut tightly and restlessly slid his hands over the sheets. He could still taste Nick, still feel him…his hot skin pressed tightly to his own, his body beneath him arching upwards as Brian thrust into him.  

Brian sat up when he heard someone turn the doorknob and ran his hands through his hair. His cheeks were flushed, his breathing slightly labored…his eyes met Nick’s and he bit down on his lower lip to keep from moaning. Nick stood before him fresh from the shower, wearing only jeans. His eyes were bright blue, his hair wet, his skin still slightly damp. Brian couldn’t stop staring. He felt himself harden and he knew he had to get out of that room right away before he lost all control. Nick was just so beautiful…Brian could see himself pushing the blonde up against the door of his room and ravaging him. 

He stood up quickly, looking warily at his friend as if Nick was trying to look so seductive on purpose. Nervously, he cleared his throat and tried to find his voice. “I’m gonna…gonna take a shower now so…” Nick smiled and walked past him to his dresser. Brian shivered when the teen’s arm brushed against his own. “Here Bri,” Nick said, handing him a t-shirt. “I know you don’t have a change of clothes so you can wear this if you want.” Brian only nodded, still bewitched by Nick’s beauty, took the shirt, and quickly left to take his shower. 

He made the water rather cool, trying to get Nick’s beautiful body out of his mind. He thought he had succeeded until he stepped out of the shower and pulled Nick’s t-shirt over his head. It smelled just like him and it rushed through Brian’s veins, again bringing back the memories of making love to him. By the time he had calmed himself down and finished getting ready it was almost time for them to leave. As he walked back to Nick’s room he heard his aunt downstairs talking to Jane and a wave of relief washed through him. Not that he had thought she wouldn’t come, he was just relieved to hear her voice and know she’d be there after Nick left. 

He found the teen in his room sitting on the edge of his bed and clutching a pillow to his chest. Brian’s heart ached when Nick looked up at him with watery eyes. “I don’t want to leave,” he whispered. Brian crossed the room and sat down next to him. Nick stayed where he was, leaning forward on his pillow, staring at the floor. Brian waited a few moments and then ran his fingers through Nick’s soft hair. Nick turned to face him and Brian slid his arms around him, pushing the pillow to the floor and holding him tightly. Nick held onto him desperately and laid his head on Brian’s shoulder. “It’s going to be ok Nicky,” Brian whispered. “You’ll see…” 

“But what if I don’t make any friends? What if my classes are too hard? I don’t…I don’t wanna be lonely again…” he whimpered, very near tears. He knew he sounded childish but he didn’t care. His last few words broke Brian’s heart and he almost felt guilty for not going to New York with Nick…but he knew he couldn’t. Brian held him close for a few more moments before pulling back and cupping Nick’s face in his hands. “I know you can do this,” Brian said firmly, meeting Nick’s eyes. “I know how scared you are and you have every right to be. I know it’s going to be hard for you to be on your own because you never have been before. But Nick, you are such a wonderful, beautiful, strong person. You’re courageous and smart and so kind and caring. And as for your classes…you’re so talented. After all, they accepted you right?” Nick smiled slightly and nodded. “And besides everyone else in your class is gonna be new too. It’s not like everyone is going to know each other except you,” Brian went on softly. He smiled and Nick and tenderly brushed the blonde’s hair out of his eyes. Nick sighed and hugged Brian again, feeling safe and protected in his older friend’s arms. “Thank you Bri,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to his neck. 

Brian pulled back and looked into his eyes. Neither of them needed any more words. Brian gently pressed his mouth to his friend’s and squeezed his body tightly. Nick eagerly returned his embrace and they kissed each other softly, yet deeply for many minutes, needing this closeness one more time. When they finally broke apart, Brian pressed his lips to Nick’s forehead and then smiled at him. “Ready?” He whispered. Nick took a deep breath and nodded. They stood up together and Nick squeezed Brian’s hand. A knock on the door startled them both and Nick reluctantly let go of his friend’s hand as he yelled for the person to come in. It was Nick’s mom and she smiled at both of them, hoping she hadn’t interrupted a tender moment. 

“Are you ready to go Nick?” She asked softly. He nodded. “Yeah, I was just…well, taking one more look around my room,” he replied. He smiled secretly and gratefully at Brian and then walked past his mom. Brian went to follow him but Jane stopped him at the door. “Brian…” she began softly, not quite sure how to phrase everything she wanted to say. She didn’t intend on talking to him about what she had seen this morning. She needed to discuss that further with Nick first. “He wasn’t…he’s not too upset, is he?” She asked. He smiled softly and shook his head. “He’s scared and nervous but…he’s excited too. I know he’s going to be ok. He’s much more courageous than he give himself credit for.” She smiled brightly. “Brian I want to thank you for everything you’ve done for him. You’ve been such a good friend to him, and I know that it’s because of you that he stopped being so lonely.” He blushed and lowered his eyes, feeling slightly guilty. I bet you wouldn’t be so grateful if you knew the things I’ve done with your son… 

She reached out and put her hand on his shoulder, almost sensing his feelings. “It’s because of your friendship that he has enough courage to go away for college. And I know it’ll be hard for him, but…because of all you’ve done for him, I know he’ll be ok,” she finished quietly, truly grateful for all he had done for her son. And again, she promised herself that she’d do all that she could to watch over him while Nick was away. 

~*~*~ 

Nick quickly decided that he would ride with Brian, Cindy and Brad to the airport so that he stay close to Brian for as long as possible before he had to get onto that plane. Brian discreetly slipped his hand into Nick’s in the backseat and held it tightly the entire ride there. He could feel Nick getting more and more nervous the closer they got to the airport. All he wanted to do was lean over and hold his friend in his arms. He wanted to give him support, to make him feel more excited than scared. But above all he wanted to beg him to stay…. He couldn’t deny that. Brian wanted what was best for Nick, yes; he wanted him to go to New York, to college, to become independent and pursue his dreams. But in his heart he wanted Nick here, with him, where he could see him, talk to him…touch him. Yes, he was confident in Nick’s friendship. He trusted the teen and he knew that Nick would always be his friend. However, he was worried that their intense closeness might fade with time and distance. 

The two of them were silent as they all walked through the airport to Nick’s gate. Neither of them could concentrate on anything that Nick’s parents or Brian’s aunt and uncle were saying. But the four of them seemed to recognize how hard this situation was for the two best friends, and they made an effort to leave them alone. They only had to sit for about a half hour before a call was made for passengers to begin boarding the plane. Nick’s body tensed and he squeezed his eyes shut for a second, forcing himself not to cry. He lingered around for a few more minutes, making sure he had everything, and trying his best to smile at his parents and his brother and sister. But he knew he had to leave soon. Not only because it was finally time to get onto the plane but also because he knew if he didn’t leave right away he might lose the last tiny amount of courage he had left and refuse to go. 

Jane tried her hardest not to cry, but a few tears slipped down her cheeks as she hugged her son tightly. “Remember honey, you can come home whenever you want if you need to, and call me whenever you can…be careful in New York and study hard, and…” Nick managed a small smile and quickly gave her a hug. “I love you mama,” he whispered, shutting his eyes as she held him tightly. He hugged his father next, who was also upset and reluctant, now, to let his oldest son go so far away. “I’ll miss you dad,” Nick said softly, smiling again as his dad only nodded and squeezed his shoulder. Nick knew he didn’t want to speak for fear of crying. Next he pulled first his brother and then his little sister into a hug, whispering for them to be good or he’d have to come back and tickle them until they couldn’t breathe. Aaron tried to act strong, the way his older brother was, but he couldn’t hold back his tears. Angel, from the start, looked at her brother with a quivering lip and watering eyes. After Nick hugged them both, desperately holding back his own tears, Jane pulled her two younger children into her arms, hugged them and whispered to them that it would be all right. Brad and Cindy both said their goodbyes to him as well, Cindy hugging him tightly and whispering how proud of him she was. And then, there was only Brian…. 

Brian felt his heart aching in his chest and he could barely breathe. Nick looked into his eyes and Brian felt him silently pleading with him. Without any words he was begging Brian not to cry, not to break down…not here, not now. Nick knew if that happened, he wouldn’t be able to leave. So Brian smiled and opened his arms to his friend. Nick shut his eyes and hugged Brian tightly, letting himself drift away for a few moments…it was like everyone else in the airport disappeared. All he could feel were Brian’s strong arms around him, his body pressed tightly against him…he could hardly bear to let go. But it was Brian, despite his heart’s protests, that let him go, smiling as much as he could into Nick’s deep blue eyes. “Good luck Nicky,” Brian whispered. “I’m always here for you, whenever you need…ok?” Nick swallowed hard over the lump in his throat and nodded. Tears stung his eyes as he felt Brian squeeze his hand. “You better go now,” Brian whispered, his voice barely audible. He too felt as if they were the only ones in the airport. Nick shut his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. For one more moment he looked into Brian’s eyes, memorizing their color, their beauty, knowing that if he looked too long he’d lose himself. A wave of emotion washed over him, causing him to shiver and making it even harder to hold back his tears. 

He turned around swiftly and smiled bravely for his family. Quickly, he picked up his carry-on and took another deep breath. As frightened as he had ever been in his life, he walked slowly to the gate and handed them his ticket. But when he turned back and waved one last time, he felt strangely calm suddenly. He looked at his family’s loving faces, at Brian…and he knew that even though he’d be across the country, things would still be the same. He’d always have his family; they’d always love him. And Brian was his best friend…they had shared so many things…their bond would be very difficult to break. And so he smiled as best he could and then turned and left. 

~*~*~ 

“Are you sure you don’t want to get something to eat with us?” Cindy asked again as they pulled up in front of his apartment. “No, I’m not really hungry aunt Cindy…but thanks for asking,” Brian replied softly. He sounded weary, lonely, and the last thing Cindy wanted was for him to be by himself right now. But she felt her husband’s hand on her shoulder and she looked over into his eyes. She sighed and knew she couldn’t push too hard. Brad seemed to be telling her with his eyes to let it go for now…Brian needed to be alone. “Alright, well call me if you need anything, ok sweetie? And we’ll come and get you tomorrow so you can pick up your car from Nick’s house,” she said kindly. “Thanks,” he whispered, leaning forward in his seat to give her a small hug goodbye. 

He shut the door to his apartment behind him and leaned back against it. Not moving for a while, he closed his eyes and stayed completely still. If he were honest with himself, he’d admit that he had wanted, more than anything, to take his aunt up on her offer and have lunch with her and Brad. But he couldn’t. Even as they had left the airport he had felt himself slipping back into his loneliness, his sadness…all that baggage he carried around from his childhood and adolescent years that had made him so painfully alone. He promised himself that come tomorrow he’d fight it. After all, it wasn’t as if he had lost Nick…he had just gone away for a while. But for now, he needed to be by himself…to suffer and cry. Alone. 

He threw his jacket on the floor of the hallway and went into his bedroom. Quickly, he shut all the drapes in his room, blocking out the offending sunlight. The weather had some nerve, he thought, to be so bright and cheerful today when he was hurting so badly. He took off his shoes, socks and jeans and eagerly climbed into bed. He turned away from the windows and pulled the covers up to his neck as he pulled a pillow into his arms. The feel of Nick’s soft t-shirt on his skin made him tremble. There was no one left to be strong for now. The tears fell slowly from his eyes. Large, hot tears full of sadness. They drenched the pillow as he buried his face in it and curled his body around the soft, plush material. The more he cried, the worse he felt. Sobs soon racked his body as he gasped for breath. He sat up for a moment and pulled Nick’s t-shirt over his head. As he lay back down, once again burying himself beneath his blankets, he held the shirt to his face and breathed in the teen’s scent.  

He had never missed anyone the way he was missing Nick right now. The few people who he had truly loved in his life had all gone away at one point or another leaving him feeling empty and lost. But it had never felt as bad as this. Emotionally exhausted, he soon cried himself to sleep, holding tightly to his pillow and clutching Nick’s shirt to his cheek. 

Brian knew, once the initial hurt wore off, he’d be fine. As he had repeated to himself several times, it wasn’t as if Nick was going away for good. He knew, deep down, he’d be ok…but right now all he could feel was hurt. He wanted his sweet, young best friend back in his arms. He wanted to hold him and fall asleep next to him…nothing had ever made him feel safer. But he’d have to wait. Nick had to grow up, had to be on his own and follow the path of his life. Brian only hoped that Nick’s path never strayed too far away from his own. 

< Lead The Way >