Chapter 5

“My God…why do we have to do this every year?” Nick complained as he lugged his suitcase down the hall. Madison giggled at him as she stood in her dorm room doorway and watched him. “Why can’t we just leave all of our stuff here over the summer?” He asked, shoving into his room and then quickly collapsing dramatically onto his bed. Madison rolled her eyes and lay down next to him. “Nick, this is our third year here…you’d think that you would be used to it by now,” she said, smiling. He pouted. “Well, I’m not,” he said stubbornly. “I hate unpacking everything again…makes me feel like it’s the first day all over. I hate leaving home,” he finished softly, feeling sad suddenly. He sat up and pulled one of the smaller boxes that had been shipped out and arrived before him towards him. Madison watched as he opened it and began pulling out posters, books and framed photos. He took the photos over to his desk and set them up on the shelf above it. 

“Who’s that?” Madison asked, walking over to stand next to him. “Who?” Nick replied. She leaned forward and picked up the picture she was looking at. “Him,” she said, pointing at the man with his arm around Nick smiling sweetly for the camera. “That’s Brian…” Nick replied softly, staring down at the picture and smiling. “My best friend.” Madison watched him for a moment, noticing the far away look in his eyes. Nick had mentioned Brian to her before, but she had never seen a picture of him. But that was most likely because they always spent more time in her dorm room than in his. The few times Nick had talked to her about Brian, he always got a different look in his eyes…lonely, happy, almost dreamy, all at the same time. There was something about Brian and their relationship that kept Nick from sharing it with her. Besides that, there were other things Madison knew Nick hadn’t told her. Everyone was entitled to have some secrets, but she could sense that whatever Nick was keeping from her, it was important. She didn’t think he was doing it on purpose; rather, she was pretty sure he was too shy to tell her. But, this year, she intended to find out his secrets and get him to open up. 

“You want me to help you unpack?” She asked, bringing him out of his thoughts. He stared at the picture of Brian for a moment longer and then smiled at her. “Yeah Maddy, thanks. That would be great.” 

It still hurt. He’d done it how many times and it still hurt him to leave Brian. He could still feel the older man’s arms around him, hugging him tightly before he left. He knew Madison had seen the way he had looked at Brian’s picture, and he was well aware that she was curious. There had always been something that held him back from telling her certain things. He had never told her that he was bisexual…but then again, he hadn’t completely figured all of that out. He also had never really talked to her about Brian. But he wanted to now…he needed to because the feelings that he had for Brian had been growing continuously stronger and more potent over the past two years. He was more than a little confused and worried by them, and he needed to talk to someone about it. 

Each time he had come home from school, he and Brian had never been able to keep their hands off of each other. He loved that as much as it scared him. Every break that he had from school, be it Christmas, summer or any other time…the two of them spent every possible minute together that they could. Nothing between them really changed, yet nothing stayed the same either. They were closer than ever, but for the first time, there was something separating them. It had started this Christmas, and had grown stronger during the summer. Nick had lain awake several nights watching Brian sleep and trying desperately to put a name to his feelings, to figure out what it was exactly that he felt. But no matter how close they became, Nick knew that there was more. There was a part of Brian that he always kept closed off…a part that Nick just couldn’t reach. And now, for the first time since he had realized it, he found himself wanting to. 

~*~*~ 

One night, a few weeks later, Nick sat around with Madison, Jen, Howie and Alex in Madison’s dorm room. They weren’t doing anything special. The TV was on but no one was watching it. Alex had ordered pizza but no one had eaten much. Basically they were just lying around talking to one another about nothing in particular. But after a while Alex got restless and decided that he wanted to have a little bit more fun. So he went back to his dorm room, two floors down, and returned a few minutes later with a bottle of rum. Madison giggled happily and got up to shut her door. Howie and Jen quickly went about finding glasses and looking through Madison’s small refrigerator for something to mix with the rum. Nick sat on the floor nervously watching them all and wondering if they could tell that he’d only ever been drunk a few times in his life. 

~*~*~ 

Although, after becoming friends with Brian, he had made more friends in high school, he had never felt quite comfortable enough to attend any of the random house parties that had been thrown. So he had had little experience with alcohol. The first time he had gotten really drunk had been this past summer, after his sophomore year in college. At Nick’s pleading, Brian had managed to sneak him into a club using a leftover fake ID from when he had been in college. Brian had been a nervous wreck all night, sure that they would get caught, and at the same time watching over Nick like a mother hen to make sure he didn’t drink too much. But he had anyway. At first Brian had been concerned, but the more Nick drank, the less uninhibited he became, and eventually Brian had managed to drink just as much as his younger friend. They had spent the night drinking and dancing and kissing…grateful that they had chosen a club where it didn’t matter and no one would care. Eventually they found their way back to Brian’s apartment around three in the morning, still silly-drunk with their arms wrapped all around each other. However, neither of them had quite enough energy or coordination to make love. Nick had passed out on Brian’s bed, and after a few glasses of water and about an hour of sitting down, Brian had carefully undressed him and put him in bed before crawling in with him. 

Nick had loved that night out. It was one of the few times that the two of them had gone out together and done something, rather than just sit on the beach or in Brian’s apartment. Not that he didn’t like that…he loved it. But he had adored being out with Brian and letting people see them together. Something had clicked in him and had told him that it was right, that it was ok. That’s when he realized that his feelings for Brian had been becoming more and more confusing and he wasn’t quite sure what to make of them anymore. 

~*~*~ 

The five of them sat around for about an hour, drinking and laughing with each other with no specific conversation or plan of action in mind. That was until Alex decided he wanted to play a game. But they quickly shot down all of his ideas. No ‘Truth or Dare,’ no ‘I Never,’ and no ‘Spin the Bottle.’ Alex pouted, but then Howie suggested that they just ask each other random personal questions that everyone would have to answer. Nick, although he was still feeling a little tipsy, became more than a little nervous at the prospect…especially when he heard the first question out of Alex’s mouth. 

“Ok guys, this is a three part question…” he began, looking at each of them and smiling devilishly. “How old were you the first time you had sex…what was the person’s name…and how was it?” He asked slowly, his face smug. Madison giggled. “I’ll go first!” She exclaimed, seeming more than happy to share. “I was seventeen, his name was Justin and…” she paused dramatically, smiling at each of them. “It was fantastic,” she finished, giggling and taking a sip of her drink. She reached down from her perch on the bed and gently tugged on Jen’s hair. “You next Jenny…” Jen swatted her hand away and eyed her angrily for a moment. She hated being called Jenny and she knew that Madison knew that. But rather than start a fight she just ignored her. “I was also seventeen,” she began. “His name was Andrew and…” she too paused, imitating Madison with a mysterious smile. But then she shrugged and said in a flat voice, “And it was alright.” They all laughed, settling more comfortable and eagerly waiting for the next person. 

Nick was darting his eyes nervously around the room at each of them, praying that something would save him from having to answer. None of them knew yet that he was bi…and the fact that his first, not to mention his only, had been with a guy…. He trusted them all enough to know they wouldn’t care, but he was still extremely nervous. He didn’t know if he was quite ready to tell them yet. 

“Howie you next,” Jen said, smiling at him. Alex giggled and Howie playfully hit him on the arm and shot him a look. It was obvious that Alex already knew what his best friend’s reply would be. “I was eighteen…his name was Paul, and it was…well as good as your first time can be,” he said with a smile, a small blush on his cheeks. Alex rolled his eyes and giggled again. “You next Alex,” Howie snapped, smiling sweetly at his friend. Alex smiled back and then turned to face them all. “I was sixteen, her name was Amanda, and it was great…if I do say so myself,” he added, smirking. Howie rolled his eyes as everyone laughed. Everyone except Nick…who was nervously dreading what was next. Alex turned to face him and smiled, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. “Your turn Nicky,” he said expectantly. 

Nick blushed under their gazes and lowered his eyes. Then suddenly it hit him…he could lie. No one would know…. He looked up and smiled nervously. “I was sixteen,” he began softly. “Her name was…Stacy,” he lied. “And it was…” Fantastic, amazing, incredible… “It was ok,” he finished, shrugging and trying to sound nonchalant. 

Alex, Howie and Jen left about an hour later, whining because they all had classes in the morning but Nick and Madison were lucky enough to not have any until the afternoon. Nick helped her gather up the glasses and throw out the leftover pizza. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched him somewhat suspiciously. She knew no one else had caught it, but she knew him better. He had lied about his first time; she was sure of it. And she was determined to find out the truth…tonight. 

Madison came back from the bathroom to find Nick lying on her bed and watching TV. She turned off the overhead light, leaving the television and small lamp next to her bed on. Before Nick could protest and get up, Madison got into bed with him and forced him to get beneath the blankets. “You can just stay here tonight,” she said softly, turning on her side so that they faced one another. The two of them talked quietly for a while about this semester’s classes and some of the things they had done over the summer. After a while they fell silent and Madison knew it was a perfect opportunity to ask him. 

She snuggled closer to him and slid her fingers through his soft hair. “Nick…” she began softly, biting down on her lower lip. She hoped she was doing the right thing. He looked at her expectantly, waiting for what she was going to say. Fighting her nerves, she took a deep breath and began. “Why did you lie?” He cocked his head to the side in confusion. “Lie about what Maddy?” He asked softly, reaching out to tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear. “About your first time…” she whispered, shivering slightly at his gentle touch. Nick froze and quickly looked away. How did she know? He swallowed hard. “What…Madison, what do you mean?” He asked nervously. She put her hand on his cheek and waited for him to meet her eyes. He was anxious, that much she could tell just from the look in his clear blue eyes. 

“Nick, I’ve known you for almost three years and I could just tell…I could tell that you lied. But what I can’t figure out is why…” He looked away again, wondering if he should tell her the truth. He wanted to so badly. He needed to talk to someone about Brian and everything he was feeling for him. “Nick…I’m not angry with you or anything,” she said softly, his silence making her want to reassure him, to let him know that she was here for him. “I’m just curious and…” she stopped suddenly, hit with an idea of why he might have lied. “Nick…” she paused, swallowing nervously. “Nick…are you a virgin?” She whispered, hoping that if that was the reason he had lied that he wasn’t embarrassed by it. He looked into her eyes again and shook his head. “No…I’m not,” he replied softly. He sighed and shut his eyes for a moment. “Maddy, the first person I had sex with…was Brian, my best friend,” he said softly, looking into her eyes. 

She said nothing for a few moments, processing what he had said. “Why didn’t you tell me you were gay?” She asked finally. He sighed softly. “I’m not,” he replied. “I’m bi and…well, I didn’t tell you or anybody else because I was still figuring it all out. I still am actually…” he said softly. “Well, have you ever been with a girl?” She asked curiously. She had always suspected, somewhere in the back of her mind that he might be gay or at least somewhat into guys. He smiled softly and shook his head. “See that’s the thing…I haven’t, but I’m attracted to both girls and guys so…” He bit his lip, looking worried for a moment. “The only person I’ve ever had sex with is Brian.” He said softly. She could see in his eyes that there was something bothering him, something having to do with his and Brian’s relationship. But she decided to let that go for the moment. She’d let him tell her all about Brian later. Right now…a fun, fabulous idea had popped into her head. 

“Nicky…” she said softly, her voice low. “Have you ever kissed a girl?” She asked. He blushed and nodded his head. “In high school…nothing too exciting…” he whispered. She slid her arm around his waist and looked into his eyes. “Nick…can I kiss you?” She asked softly. He stared at her for a few moments and then nodded. He was nervous as hell as he looked into her calm, steady eyes. He couldn’t deny that he’d always been attracted to her, but he had never done anything about it. First of all, he really didn’t know how. Secondly, they had become such good friends that after a while he had pretty much stopped thinking about it. Madison, too, had been attracted to him since the day they met. And at first, her main reason for getting to know him was so that she could sleep with him. But then she had gotten to know him, they had become good friends, and it had all changed…except she had never stopped thinking that he was absolutely gorgeous. 

She pressed herself closer as she slid her fingers into his hair. They both smiled at one another briefly before closing the space between them. Their kiss was slow and soft at first, both of them still very much aware that they were friends…nothing more. But their mutual attraction increased the heat and the passion of their kiss, and without either of them meaning to, it soon became much more intense. Before either of them could realize what was happening, they were both half naked and were kissing and touching each other urgently. “Nick…” Madison gasped, breaking their kiss and looking up into his bright blue eyes. “Do you…do you want this?” She asked, leaning upwards to nip at his swollen lips. She loved the way he kissed her, the way he touched her…it was incredible. More than anything she wanted to have sex with him, to be his first time with a woman…but she wanted him to be sure. He kissed her deeply again. “Yes Maddy…” he whispered against her lips. “I want you,” he added softly, again pressing his mouth to hers, as he slid his hands beneath her naked back.  

They had sex twice that night, both times incredible. Nick couldn’t get over how good it was. She was so beautiful to him…so soft and sweet and absolutely terrific. He hadn’t been completely sure, until that moment that he was definitely bisexual. But now he knew. Sex with Brian and sex with Madison were completely different, but both appealing. And for Madison, it was just as she had fantasized…better, she thought, because of the fact that he was a virgin. Considering she was so in charge of her own life and liked being a leader…it was no wonder she enjoyed teaching him as much as she had. She loved the way he touched her, the way he kissed her…and it was even better knowing that tomorrow morning they could go back to just being friends. No strings…just one night of incredible sex. 

As they fell asleep in each other’s arms, Nick smiled to himself, thinking the same thoughts as her. He was grateful because he knew she wouldn’t expect anything of him. They would still be friends and they didn’t have to worry about complications. That was, he thought, how it was supposed to be with Brian. But it wasn’t…it really never had been. With Brian it was all so much more than just sex. It scared him, it worried him, but he knew that to be true. He also knew, now that he had told Madison the truth, he could talk about it with her. One way or another…he needed to figure things out. 

The next morning, Madison watched Nick as he woke up and couldn’t help notice the small look of surprise that crossed his face before his _expression melted into a sweet smile. He had looked confused to find himself waking up with her instead of…Brian, she was guessing. “Maddy?” “Yeah?” He kissed her forehead and ran his fingers through her soft hair. “Let’s skip class today and have a picnic,” he said, smiling. She smiled back brightly. “Sounds great,” she replied quickly. “Meet me back here in about an hour; I’m going to take a shower first,” she said smiling at his blushing cheeks when she slipped out of bed naked.

 

Nick too got a shower, grabbed his jacket and headed back to Madison’s room. Still somewhat elated from the night before, he forgot to check his answering machine before he left and missed the blinking red light announcing that he had eight new messages….

 

They found a rather secluded spot in Central Park, laid their blanket out and began pulling the random food they had picked up along the way out of the new picnic basket Madison had just had to stop and buy…though she readily admitted that she had probably only ever been on one other picnic in her life. Nick marveled at how much closer he felt to her now. Not just because of them having sex the night before but because he had told her his secret. He had told her he was bisexual, and he had told her about Brian…but not everything. That was what he needed to tell her now.

 

“So Nicky…tell me more about Brian,” she said softly as if reading his thoughts. He sighed and looked away for a few moments, not quite sure where to begin. “You wanna get comfy first?” He asked, moving some of their stuff off of the blanket. “There’s a lot to tell.”

 

He told her how they had first met, and how, despite their age difference, they had connected so intensely with each other. She smiled softly at the way he described their relationship. Nick, the sweet, innocent and terribly shy fourteen year old; Brian the quiet, lonely nineteen year old who had never really had a friend. She was enthralled with all that he told her. How Brian had been his first kiss at the tender age of fourteen. How Brian had, after Nick’s nervous and less-than-suave seduction, taken his virginity days after his sixteenth birthday. And now…how confused he was by the feelings he had developed for his best friend.

 

“And Maddy, I’m so afraid to tell him. I’m afraid that it’s not the same for him and that this will only ruin things between us. But when I’m with him…” he stopped for a moment and bit down on his lower lip. “When I’m with him, there’s nowhere else I can ever see myself wanting to be…” Madison waited a few moments and lightly brushed her fingers through his hair. During the course of his story, he had lay down on the blanket and she now cradled his head in her lap. Gently, she shifted so that she lay next to him and propped herself up on her elbow to look down into his eyes.

 

“Nick…are you in love with him?” She asked softly. He shut his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened them again they were worried and more confused than ever. “That’s the thing Madison…I just don’t know,” he whispered, clearly upset. “I know I care from him…and more than just a friend, but…I really don’t know what to call it. Maddy…I’m not ready for love. And I know that he’s afraid of it. I just…I want things to stay the same for now. But someday…someday I think I might want more…with him.” Madison waited a few moments, thinking over what he had said. It was obvious to her, even if Nick couldn’t see it that he was already falling in love with Brian. But she knew these feelings weren’t as potent now as when he was with him. She just hoped that when Nick finally did fall completely for his best friend that Brian would return those feelings. 

“Nick, there’s not too much I can tell you…” she said softly, smiling at him. “Unfortunately, you’re just going to have to wait and see how things develop. And maybe when you feel comfortable enough, you can talk to Brian about all this.” He sighed and nodded. “I know…thanks for listening,” he said, smiling. 

About an hour later they went back to school. Nick returned to his room, stretched out on his bed and switched on the TV. Not really watching whatever show he had turned on, he glanced over at his phone and sat up when he saw the red light blinking on his answering machine. He became a tad worried when he saw that there were eight new messages. As soon as he pressed play, Brian’s voice flooded his ears, and with each message, Nick felt worse and worse. Cindy had been in a car accident. He was relieved to hear, after a few messages that she wasn’t seriously injured, but Brian’s voice made Nick’s heart ache. In his first couple messages he sounded so scared, so desperate. Nick felt horrible that he hadn’t been there to talk to him and try to help him through. Another wave of guilt hit him when he realized that he had probably been having sex with Madison when Brian had tried to call. And even this morning…he hadn’t checked his messages then. Quickly, he snatched up the phone and sat back down on his bed. He tried Brian’s apartment first but only got his machine. He hung up without leaving a message and dialed his cell phone. 

“Hello?” “Brian, it’s me…” “Nick,” he said softly, sounding relieved. “I’m so sorry Bri…she’s ok, right?” Brian sighed softly, feeling so much better now just from hearing Nick’s voice. “Yes, she only has a broken arm. I just…last night, I went to the hospital with Brad and no one could tell us anything for so long, so I was worried sick.” Nick could still hear his frightened voice on his answering machine and he wished that he could have been there for him. “I’m so sorry Bri,” he repeated. “I was in a friend’s room and I ended up…staying there all night,” he explained, feeling overly guilty. He wanted to tell Brian what had happened with Madison. In fact, he had planned on calling him today and telling him, but now…he couldn’t tell him now. “And then today, I went out without even checking my messages first. God Brian, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you,” he apologized again. 

“Nick…it’s ok, you didn’t know,” Brian said softly. He didn’t want Nick to feel guilty. Nick sighed and lay back down on his bed. “I know but I…I still wish I could have been here when you needed me,” he said softly, shutting his eyes and concentrating solely on the sound of Brian’s voice in his ear. He could picture him perfectly, and as Brian talked further about what had happened, he could almost imagine him lying next to him and whispering in his ear. When they finally hung up almost two hours later, Nick fell asleep with his arms wrapped around his pillow, thinking of nothing but his best friend. 

~*~*~ 

Brian left his aunt’s house a few hours after receiving Nick’s phone call. Eagerly, he went back to his apartment and after a shower, curled up on his couch. He hadn’t been home since the night before, having been stuck in the hospital for so long and then going directly to Cindy’s house. His conversation with Nick ran through his head. Briefly, he thought about calling him again now, but something stopped him. He didn’t want to look desperate. 

He had been sure that with time it would be easier to let Nick go each time he went away to school…but it hadn’t. And it was times like these that he felt his absence more than ever. He sighed and lay down on his couch, curling his body around a pillow and staring at the TV. He hated to admit it, hated to even think about it, but he knew Nick was drifting away slightly. When he was home the two of them were just as close, and their goodbyes were always just as hard, just as upsetting. But while Nick was at school…sometimes Brian could hear a distance in his voice that had never been there before. 

Last night, he would have given anything to hear Nick’s voice, to hear him talking softly in his ear and telling him things would be all right. When Brad had called him with the news on Cindy, Brian had been terrified. His aunt was his only real family…the only family that cared about him anyway. The thought of losing her rendered Brian helpless, something he truly hated. His first phone call to Nick had been frantic and tearful…all he had wanted was to hear his best friend’s soothing voice. Although he became calmer with each phone call he made to Nick, his heart still sank a little more each time. He didn’t blame Nick for not being there to answer his call; he just wished that he had been. 

Lately, Brian had been trying to find distractions to keep his mind off of the fact that he was missing Nick more and more with every passing day. He was going on a lot of random dates with both men and women. He never slept with any of them, and he rarely even kissed any of the guys. He hated feeling like he was betraying Nick. He didn’t want to feel that way. He and Nick were not lovers, something he had been repeating to himself quite often lately; so he wouldn’t be cheating on him…. 

Sometimes he wondered if Nick had been with anyone else…if he had dated any girls or even any guys. It worried Brian that the thought of Nick with another guy bothered him immensely. It shouldn’t. But every time he thought about it, he’d see Nick in his mind’s eye with another man…hands touching his Nick, lips kissing his Nick, and he hated it. He knew that Nick would tell him if had met someone, but sometimes when Brian was feeling especially lonely, he let his imagination run wild and picture all sorts of scenarios. But what worried him most were the feelings he held for Nick that wouldn’t go away. Occasionally, late at night, he’d lie in bed and imagine Nick was there with him. He’d let himself pretend that they were more than friends…he could hear Nick’s soft, sweet voice telling him that he loved him. And Brian could hear himself saying it back… It scared him to find himself just fantasizing about that. They couldn’t fall in love, they just couldn’t…. 

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