Chapter 6

“Well, what if I’m not attracted to other guys? What if it’s just Brian?” Nick asked nervously as he paced back and forth in his room. Howie and Alex sat on his bed, watching him with slight smiles on their faces. Neither of them had been too surprised when Nick had confessed his sexuality to them as well as Jennifer, a few weeks ago. He had also told them about his relationship with Brian and how he wasn’t quite sure what it all meant. 

Alex turned to Howie, ignoring Nick’s pacing for a moment. “This is more your department,” Alex whispered to his best friend. Howie rolled his eyes at Alex and stood up. He put his hands on Nick’s shoulders and forced him to stand still. “Nick, look at me,” Howie said softly. Nick had been having these little worried outbursts all week…ever since had had called Brian’s apartment and another guy had answered the phone. 

Brian had told him that he had gone on a date with the guy and they had come back to his apartment after dinner to watch a movie. He also made sure to stress to Nick that they had not had sex. Nick believed him, of course, and he knew he had no right to be upset in the first place. But he had been. It hurt…it hurt even though he knew it shouldn’t. The worst had just been the initial shock of hearing that man’s voice answer Brian’s phone. Nick hadn’t been able to say a word…he hadn’t been able to breathe, to speak or even hang up the phone. He had just stood perfectly still with the phone in his hand, his heart thudding loudly in his ears. Brian had checked his caller ID after his date had hung up, saying no one was there, and when he saw Nick’s number his heart sank. He had called him back after his date left and explained everything. He could tell that Nick was upset; he could hear it in his small, soft voice. Brian knew he should have told him he had been dating some people, but he hadn’t because he didn’t want to feel that he had to tell him. But he had apologized anyway, to which Nick told him that he had nothing to be sorry for. They could date whomever they wanted. Both of them hated the idea of the other being with someone else, but they wouldn’t admit it. Because if they did, they’d unwillingly start a whole new phase in their relationship, and right now they were both still desperately clinging to the idea that they were just friends. 

So to help keep up that pretense, Nick had decided he should date other people too…specifically guys. But despite Howie’s best efforts to fix him up, Nick was reluctant to actually meet anyone. He had never really been on an actual date with a man or a woman. He had no idea how to approach that sort of situation. 

“Calm down,” Howie said softly. “You don’t have to go out with anyone you don’t want to, so stop worrying about it, ok?” Howie smiled softly as he spoke, soothing Nick. “I have a better idea,” he went on. “Let’s all go out tomorrow night.” “Yeah, we’ll go to Liquid!” Alex exclaimed, jumping up to stand next to them. Howie agreed. “Liquid is perfect,” he said. “It’s not a gay club, but it’s not straight either.” “Just like you Nicky,” Alex said with a grin. Nick couldn’t help laughing. He nodded, knowing that he’d have much more fun out with all of his friends than on a date with a stranger. “Ok, I’ll go.”  

“Go where?” Madison asked, peeking her head in the door. “To Liquid…tomorrow night,” Alex said, sounding excited. There were few things he liked as much as going out, especially when all of his friends could be there and all find something they liked. That’s why Liquid was the perfect club. After finalizing their plans, he and Howie left to go to class, leaving Madison alone with Nick. 

She had heard his conversation with Howie and Alex from outside his door; she had been unable to resist eavesdropping. She knew that Howie had been trying to fix Nick up ever since Nick had found out that Brian was dating. She also knew, though she would never say, that Nick really didn’t want anyone besides Brian. But she did know that she could make him realize that he found other guys attractive, even if he had no interest in starting a relationship with anyone. She agreed with Howie and Alex that they should all go to Liquid tomorrow night, but she intended to show Nick, before then, that he could, indeed, be attracted to guys other than Brian. 

“Nick…are you busy right now?” She asked, smiling. “Nope, why?” “Well…I’m sorry to say I listened to what you were talking about with Howie and Alex, and I…” He raised his eyebrows. “Oh really?” He asked, trying to look angry. She hit him in the arm and giggled. “Yes really…now listen. I can prove to you that you’re attracted to other guys. All you have to do is come with me right now…to class.” He scrunched up his face in disgust. “Class?! When I don’t have to?!” She rolled her eyes and hit him again. “Yes, come on, we have to be early so we can sit in the back…” After a bit more whining and pleading, she managed to get him to agree, though he was quite reluctant about it. 

The class she had dragged him to was an introductory course she had failed to take her freshman or sophomore years. It would have been horribly boring except for the fact that it was taught by the hottest looking guy Madison have ever laid eyes on. His name was Kevin and he was a graduate student. She had intended on completely blowing the whole class off and only coming for tests…until he had walked in the first day. To her own annoyance, she managed to develop a rather intense crush on him. Normally, she was completely cool and in control around guys she liked or found sexy…but with Kevin she often found herself feeling nervous and clumsy, and she hated it. 

“There Nick, look…that’s him,” she whispered, poking his shoulder and discreetly pointing at Kevin when he walked into the room. But Nick had barely heard her. His eyes had been drawn to the dark-haired man the instant he had walked through the door. Nick fidgeted nervously in his seat and swallowed hard. Through the entire lecture that Kevin gave, Nick couldn’t look away. He was mesmerized by the man’s beautiful form. He didn’t hear one word he said, but the sound of his voice, all the same, was fantastically enticing. As he watched Kevin move back and forth across the front of the room, he knew Madison had proved her point. He was definitely attracted to other guys besides Brian…. 

After class, Madison glanced at Nick and from the look in his eyes, the slightly flushed color of his cheeks; she knew she had achieved her goal. Loving the way Nick looked, a little disheveled and baffled, she decided to make him even more unnerved. “Come on Nicky…I have to ask Kevin a question…” she said, smiling innocently. He froze and finally took his eyes off of the older man. “Go ahead,” he stammered. “I’ll wait for you outside…” She shook her head and grabbed his hand. “No, come with me.” 

Nervously, Nick followed her, not wanting to resist and cause, what he knew Madison could easily turn into a scene. She waited until the remaining few students had left before stepping forward and asking him something she could care less about, pretending to be highly interested. Nick hung back, behind her and took a moment to watch Kevin. He was even more handsome up close. His eyes were a beautiful, captivating green, his hair dark, his mouth…Nick swallowed hard, knowing where his thoughts were leading. But he couldn’t look away. Making sure Madison still had his attention; Nick let his eyes roam further. Kevin’s upper body looked hard and muscular, the skin that was visible was tan and smooth looking… Nick jumped and immediately looked up when he heard Madison call his name. He smiled softly and took a step forward. 

“Kevin, this is my good friend, Nick…he was just sitting in with me today,” she said, her voice sounding sweeter than Nick had ever heard it. He noticed her sparkling eyes and girlish smile and somewhere in his currently pre-occupied brain, he realized that Madison had quite a crush on her grad-student teacher. Kevin extended his hand for Nick to shake, smiling kindly. Butterflies fluttered in Nick’s stomach when their skin touched. He felt every few seconds of their brief touch, hating the way he could feel his cheeks getting hot. “Nice to meet you Nick. Did you enjoy my lecture?” He asked, a teasing note to his voice. Nick smiled back, feeling slightly less jumpy and nodded. He took on Kevin’s same teasing tone and replied, “Oh yeah, it was amazing.” Kevin laughed sending a new wave of delightful shivers down Nick’s spine. When Kevin smiled at him he let his eyes travel over Nick’s body, lingering briefly on his mouth. But Nick was too nervous to notice. 

“Well, unfortunately, I have to get going now. I’m behind in reading over a ton of papers, plus I have my own assignments. Nick, it was nice to meet you,” Kevin said, smiling and shaking his hand again. Nick blushed slightly and smiled. “Nice to meet you too,” he replied. “Madison, I’ll see you next week,” Kevin said, turning his smile on her for a moment before leaving the room.  

Once he had left, Madison turned to face Nick with a grin on her face. “Shit Madison, why didn’t you tell me…” “That he’s the most gorgeous creature on this whole fucking planet?!” She squealed, sounding very much like a lovesick teenager. She threw her arms around Nick and hugged him tightly. “So I guess I proved my point, huh?” She asked, smirking. He nodded. “I’ll say…I’ve never…I mean, well with Brian it’s totally different. I am attracted to Brian…very attracted, but there’s so much more there and…but this…I’ve never felt this before,” he said, smiling. Madison linked her arm through his as they made their way back to their dorm. “Just plain old ordinary raw physical attraction,” she said smugly. Nick laughed. “Yeah…except there’s nothing ordinary about him!” 

~*~*~ 

The next night Alex, Howie and Madison took Nick and Jennifer to Liquid for the first time. Like Alex had said, there really was something for everyone. Plenty of guy/girl couples danced among plenty of guy/guy and girl/girl pairings. The club was just dark enough to be illicit without being seedy. Blue and white lights turned and blinked from the walls and ceiling making the dance floor appear to be under water. The music was mostly dance with an occasional hip-hop favorite thrown in. Madison kissed Nick on the cheek, said she’d be back in a bit, and then grabbed Jen’s hand and pulled her away. Alex found someone to dance with almost two seconds later, winking at Nick and Howie as the curvy blonde pulled him away. Howie smiled at Nick and led him to the closest bar. Dollar drinks applied only to well-drinks, so Howie bought them both a rum and coke.  

Nick surveyed the scene in front of him, smiling slightly. He couldn’t help being a tad bit nervous. He was well aware of the fact that he was still sort of innocent and naïve. While his friends had all grown up pretty much living the normal teenage life of sneaking out, occasionally drinking under age and being rebellious, he had spent he majority of his time with one friend…sheltered, but loved. But he knew he’d have a great time tonight, as long as one of his friends stuck with him. Howie seemed to understand, and that’s why he stayed at Nick’s side. He had to admit how good his younger friend looked. His blonde hair, which he had recently cut, was gelled and spiky. He wore jeans and a short-sleeved button-down white shirt, which was just tight enough and even appeared to be a tiny bit sheer if the light hit it just right.  

A little while later, Madison and Jen reappeared. Jen grabbed Howie and Madison latched onto Nick, pulling them both out onto the dance floor. The four of them spent a good hour in the same spot, dancing with each other, occasionally sending someone back to the bar for more drinks. Once in a while, Alex would grace them with his presence to dance for a few minutes before returning to his girl of the moment. At one point Nick left them to get himself another drink. When he turned around he saw that Howie had found a hot guy to dance with, and Jen and Madison were dancing with each other, earning them some male onlookers. Rather than rejoin them he stayed where he was for a few minutes and finished his drink. Madison waved to him when the next song started, motioning him to come back. He smiled and turned around to set down his glass. When he turned back he froze. 

“Kevin…” he whispered, his heart beating frantically in his chest. The older man’s eyes sparkled as they looked into Nick’s. He smiled and Nick felt his knees weaken. Kevin took a step forward to the bar, turning sideways to fit into the small space between Nick and the woman next to him. Nick shuddered nervously and licked his lips as Kevin’s body brushed against his. He nearly jumped out of his skin when Kevin laid his hand on his shoulder and leaned closer so that he could talk into his ear. “What are you drinking?” Kevin asked, loudly enough to be heard over the music. Nick shivered again, the feel of Kevin’s hot breath on his neck, the smell of his cologne…it was all very intoxicating. “Rum and coke,” he managed to answer, leaning even closer so that Kevin could hear him. After their drinks came, Kevin motioned Nick to follow him towards the side of the room. Mesmerized, Nick followed without a second glance at his friends. 

He couldn’t deny how much he wanted to touch Kevin, to just be near him…the older man had absolutely captivated him. He was a little bit taller than Nick, which Nick couldn’t help liking. Kevin’s hair was spiked up with gel much like Nick’s but was shorter. He had on black pants with a black and white pinstriped shirt that was just tight enough to accentuate his muscular body. 

“I haven’t seen you here before Nick,” Kevin said, leaning towards Nick again to talk into his ear. They stood up against a wall watching the dance floor before them. “This is the first time I’ve been here,” Nick replied. “My friends brought me tonight.” “Madison?” Kevin asked. Nick nodded as he took another sip of his drink. “And a few others…those two guys,” he said, pointing when he located his friends. “Alex and Howie?” Kevin asked. “Do you know them?” Kevin nodded, a brief look of concern crossing his face. “But not very well…” Nick kept his attention on Kevin, forgetting his friends for the time being. He missed both the slightly worried _expression on Alex and Howie’s faces, as well as the somewhat upset one on Madison’s. 

Kevin couldn’t believe his luck. After Madison had introduced him to Nick, he had vowed to find out more about the younger man and get to know him better. Well get to know him better physically anyway. Kevin wasn’t much for relationships. Seducing those he found attractive and then keeping them around for a little while was more his thing. He didn’t use people and he always made sure that those he was interested in went into it with their eyes open. He didn’t make promises. But he realized that sometimes those people still got hurt, even if he didn’t do it intentionally. Guys were easier. Maybe not easier to seduce, but easier because they seemed to know just what he wanted and rarely gave him any heartache. There had been a few exceptions though…. 

From the moment he had lay his eyes on Nick, he wanted him. He was beautiful… Kevin hadn’t been this attracted to anyone in a long time. He loved the way Nick’s blue eyes sparkled, his blonde hair that looked so soft, and his mouth…. Kevin wanted to kiss him more than anything…press his lips to Nick’s…taste him, lick his lips, suck on his tongue…. 

He could tell, instinctively, that Nick was just as interested in him as he was in Nick. He didn’t know, nor care, if Nick was gay or bi, nor did he care if he was involved with anyone else. All he knew was that he wanted him, and that he was determined to have him. And from the way Nick was acting…the way he was flirting, his body language…he knew Nick was interested. 

Kevin could tell that Nick was slightly tipsy; that would only make things easier. Once the blonde had finished his drink, Kevin took his glass from him and set it on a nearby table. When he turned back, he stood directly in front of him, only inches away. Nick swallowed hard as he looked into Kevin’s eyes, suddenly wanting nothing more than to kiss him. Kevin put his hand on the wall next to Nick’s head and leaned closer until his mouth was next to his ear. “Dance with me Nick,” he said in a low voice, letting his lips lightly brush Nick’s ear. Nick shivered, inadvertently reaching his right hand out to Kevin’s waist. Kevin smiled softly, knowing already that he’d easily get exactly what he wanted from the beautiful, young blonde. 

Nick hadn’t been completely sure of Kevin’s sexuality…after all, it wasn’t like he had a lot of experience. But he had caught on to Kevin’s flirting and the way he kept leaning closer and touching his arm or shoulder…it all made Nick very dizzy. Without waiting for an answer, Kevin slid his hand down Nick’s arm and took his hand. Not wanting to be interrupted, Kevin led him through the crowd to the opposite end of the dance floor from where Howie and Alex had been a few minutes ago. Wanting to keep Nick under the spell he was weaving, he pulled him close once he found a spot on the dance floor, pressing their bodies together. Heat rushed through Nick’s entire body. He slid his arms around Kevin’s shoulders as the older man pressed his hands into Nick’s lower back. Kevin held him just tight enough; just close enough to keep him warm and willing without scaring him away. Something warned Kevin not to go too far too fast; that Nick wasn’t very experienced, and that he was still rather innocent. That, of course, only made him more alluring. 

They danced closely for a while, eyes locked, hands pressing each other close…. Nick shivered sweetly and licked his lips in anticipation when Kevin ran his fingers through his hair and then across his cheek. He was nervously hoping that Kevin would kiss him. He couldn’t imagine wanting anything else right now. He loved the way Kevin’s strong arms held him close, the way he danced with him, and the way he looked into his eyes. Nick had never felt such a strong physical attraction to someone, without having any other feelings involved. 

Kevin didn’t wait long to grant Nick his unspoken wish. After all, he wanted it just as badly as Nick did. Nick pressed his fingers into Kevin’s back when he stopped dancing; Kevin slid both of his hands to Nick’s neck and smiled softly at him. Nick’s heart was in his throat as he met Kevin’s intense gaze. Unable to wait another second, Kevin pulled Nick closer and kissed him. Nick melted, slipping his arms around Kevin’s neck and pressing himself closer. Kevin slid his hands down Nick’s back and held him tightly as he deepened the kiss. He took Nick’s full lower lip between his lips and sucked on it gently as he ran the tip of his tongue across the soft flesh. Moments later, he slipped his tongue past Nick’s lips into his waiting mouth. He took his time, amazed at how sweet Nick tasted, how warm his body suddenly felt in his arms. Leisurely, Kevin explored his mouth, massaging Nick’s tongue with his own, pulling back occasionally to lick and nibble at his lips. Nick’s head was spinning; the feel of Kevin’s lips on his, the way his tongue felt in his mouth…he wanted more. He slid his fingers into Kevin’s short hair and sucked on his tongue, smiling into the kiss when he felt the older man jump slightly in surprise. He pushed his tongue past Kevin’s lips and shyly began licking his tongue and the soft sides of his mouth, shivering at the sensations rushing through him. 

After a few minutes Kevin kissed Nick lightly on his lips and opened his eyes. He smiled at the blonde, a little unnerved that Nick was making him feel so much so fast. Nick’s cheeks were flushed, his lips swollen and red, and his eyes sparkled with heat and passion. Quickly, Kevin glanced over at the side of the dance floor and then slipped his arm tightly around Nick’s waist. Nick didn’t make a sound of protest as Kevin led him to an empty couch on the side of the club. Somewhere in his mind a voice was telling him to slow down, and he knew there were reasons why he should, but at the moment, he couldn’t identify any of them. 

Kevin wrapped his arms all around Nick and pressed him into the couch as their lips met again. Nick held him tightly, unable to get enough of the older man. As their kiss deepened, Kevin heard Nick’s small moans of pleasure and felt his arms tighten around him. He smiled softly into the kiss, feeling rather triumphant. I’ll have him in my bed before the night is over. 

Madison stood still on the dance floor, ignoring the concerned glances Alex, Howie and Jen were giving her, and watched Nick as he danced with and then kissed Kevin. When the two of them made their way across the dance floor, fell onto a couch and continued to make out, she bit down on her lip and watched them for a few more seconds before turning and leaving the club. 

“I’ll go after her,” Jen said to Howie and Alex. “Good,” Alex said, his eyes still on Nick. “We’ll stay here and make sure Nick gets home.” After she left, Alex pulled Howie off the dance floor and closer to where Nick and Kevin were. “Howie…we have to stop him,” Alex said, glancing at Nick to make sure he was still there. Howie sighed and shook his head. “And what do you propose we do? Go over there and pull Kevin off of him and force Nick to leave?” He asked, slipping his hand around Alex’s neck and forcing him to meet his eyes. “But we can’t just let him…I mean, we…” “Alex, Nick is smart, he’s not gonna--” “Howie, Nick is innocent and naïve,” Alex retorted. “We have to let him make his own mistakes…” “I don’t want him to get hurt…like you,” Alex finished softly. Howie stared at him for a moment, saying nothing. “We’ll keep an eye on him and if at all possible, we won’t let Kevin take him home,” Howie finally said. Alex nodded in agreement and then turned to watch his friend again. 

~*~*~ 

“I can’t believe him,” Madison cried. “He knows I have a thing for Kevin and…and still he…” she stopped, frustrated and upset. Jen slipped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. When she had left the club she found Madison outside on the sidewalk impatiently waiting for a taxi. As they rode back to school, Madison vented to her friend all of her feelings. “Ok, ok, so it’s not like Kevin and I have ever even been on a date,” Madison continued, trying to reason things out. “I just have a stupid crush on him, but…but you still don’t…” “Make out with the person your friend likes, right?” Jen asked, smiling softly at her. Madison nodded. “Exactly. And he knows…why would he do this to me?” Jen sighed and pushed her friend’s hair out of her eyes. “Hon, I don’t think he was doing it to deliberately hurt you…in fact, I’m betting you didn’t even cross his mind…” she said softly. “And what about his precious Brian?” Madison muttered. “Was he thinking of him when he had his tongue down Kevin’s throat?” She asked, sounding bitter, talking more to herself than to Jennifer.  

Jen leaned forward and paid the driver when they stopped in front of their school. She didn’t know much about Nick’s relationship with his best friend, Brian, other than she knew they’d had sex, so she wasn’t quite sure how to answer Madison. The two of them went up to Madison’s dorm room, and Jen decided to stay with her for a while, at least until Alex, Howie and hopefully, Nick returned. 

~*~*~ 

“Come home with me tonight,” Kevin whispered into Nick’s ear as he kissed it. One of his hands was pressed into Nick’s lower back, beneath his shirt, the other tangled in his soft hair. Nick heard Kevin’s words, but the only response he could give at the moment was to moan softly and desperately press his body closer. Kevin kissed him deeply again, drugging Nick further and clouding his mind with the promise of more. But Kevin’s words slowly cut through the fog that was all around him and hit him hard. “Come home with me tonight.” He couldn’t…he knew what that meant. But his body was ready and willing to agree…he wanted Kevin badly. “Kevin…” he moaned softly, trying to find strength to push him back. He slid his hands up the older man’s back to his shoulders as Kevin started kissing and sucking on his neck. “Kevin…” he repeated, sounding a tiny bit firmer. He put his hands on either side of his face and looked into his intense green eyes. “I can’t…” Nick whispered, trying to regain his composure. 

Kevin hadn’t expected that answer. Nick had been putty in his hands all night, from the first moment he had touched him…so why the refusal? He looked into the younger man’s eyes and saw a trace of regret there, but mostly he saw guilt and worry. Something important was holding him back from taking Kevin up on his offer. Sighing, he kissed Nick softly once more and then sat up more fully on the couch. Nick began nervously chewing on his lower lip, still looking at Kevin for more of a reaction. He could tell already that the older man was disappointed. Kevin was debating what he should do next. He could tell, from the way Nick’s eyes had looked, that no matter what Kevin did, Nick wouldn’t come back to his apartment tonight.  

But he wasn’t about to give up that easily. Nick was hot. Kevin had loved the way it felt to dance with him, to feel his body pressed tightly to his. He had loved the way Nick kissed. More than anything he wanted Nick in his bed, and he was determined to get exactly that. But whatever it was that was holding Nick back from saying yes seemed to be something important. So he’d take things slowly. He knew if he could spend more time with Nick, seduce him little by little, the blonde would eventually give in.  

Sighing, Kevin leaned over and kissed him softly once more. He wasn’t going to argue with Nick and try to convince him to change his mind; he knew that wouldn’t work. Running his fingers up and down Nick’s arm, he looked into the younger man’s blue eyes and smiled softly. “What’s your number Nick?” He asked, his voice low. Nick shivered slightly, a part of him still wondering if he should change his mind. He wanted Kevin. What was the harm in sleeping with him tonight? Brian… God, why was this so hard? Brian shouldn’t have this hold on him…but he did. 

Nonetheless, Nick knew he wanted to see Kevin again, even if nothing happened between them. But before he could give Kevin his phone number, Alex appeared in front of them and called his name. “Nick! There you are…” he exclaimed, smiling at his friend. “We’re ready to leave now.” When his eyes fell on Kevin they shown with veiled dislike and anger. He reached down for Nick’s hand and quickly pulled him up. The younger man swayed on his feet, still slightly tipsy. He put his arm around Alex’s shoulder to balance himself and looked down at Kevin. He smiled, still bewitched, still very aware of what it had felt like in Kevin’s arms. But before he could give Kevin his number or even say goodbye, Alex pulled him away, towards the door and out of the club. 

Kevin sighed and ran his hand through his hair. He should’ve known better. As soon as Alex had appeared he knew he wouldn’t get a thing from Nick tonight…Alex would make sure of that. Plus, Nick had seemed even more confused and worried once his friend had appeared; he wondered why. But it didn’t really matter. It wouldn’t be at all difficult to find Nick again. 

“Kevin.” He looked up and his breath caught in his throat. Howie sat down next to him, a concerned look on his face. Kevin said nothing, knowing that there was nothing he could say that would sound right. “I’m not gonna ask you to stay away from him,” Howie said softly, leaning close to the older man so Kevin could hear him. “Because I know you won’t and because, well Nick needs to make his own mistakes…” he went on. Kevin hated the way Howie’s words, and more importantly the message behind them, got to him and made him feel a tiny bit guilty for what he wanted. He turned his head, looking away from Howie’s worried eyes. But the younger man wasn’t done. He laid his hand on Kevin’s arm and waited for him to meet his eyes again. “But Kevin will you please just…be careful with this one,” Howie pleaded. The two of them stared at each other for a few more moments, unspoken emotions passing between them.  

Knowing Alex was outside with Nick waiting for him, Howie broke their eye contact and stood up, angry with himself for feeling a little bit shaky and uncertain. Without another word, he left, hoping that maybe somehow his words had reached Kevin. He didn’t want Nick to get hurt; he remembered all too well what that had felt like. 

~*~*~ 

Nick sat between his friends for the cab ride back to school. His head was clouded with alcohol and confused emotions. He needed to talk to both Alex and Howie…he needed to talk about Kevin and about Brian…. “Where’s Madison and Jen?” Nick asked softly. “Madison left when…when she saw you kissing Kevin,” Alex replied softly. “Jen went after her.” Nick froze and squeezed his eyes tightly shut. He hadn’t even thought about her. She liked Kevin…he knew that and still he had…. A sob escaped his lips as he dropped his head into his hands. “Oh Nick…” Alex whispered, putting his arm around his younger friend. “Don’t cry,” Howie said softly, also wrapping his arm around the blonde. Now it wasn’t just Brian, it was Madison too. Why had he danced with Kevin? Why had he kissed him? He felt horrible now. He had hurt Madison. And Brian…in his heart, he felt like he had betrayed Brian. 

They took Nick up to his room and helped him into bed. He was a mess. Half-drunk and crying, he crawled beneath the covers and pulled a pillow to his chest. “Howie…stay here for a little bit,” Nick pleaded, his eyes shining with tears as he looked up at his friend. Howie nodded and sat down on the edge of Nick’s bed. “I’m gonna go check on Madison,” Alex said softly. Howie nodded and then looked back down at Nick. Unable to resist, he reached down and ran his fingers through Nick’s hair for a few moments before pulling back and taking the blonde’s hand in his own.  

“Don’t cry Nick,” he said softly. “She’s not gonna stay upset with you. You know Madison…you’ll just have to talk to her. It’ll be ok…” he said, smiling tenderly at his younger friend. “That’s not it Howie,” Nick whispered, squeezing his hand. “I mean, I’m worried about Madison, I am, but…Howie I’m so confused!” He cried, tears filling his eyes again. “I feel like I betrayed him, but I don’t know why. And Kevin…it was so good and I couldn’t think of anything but--” “Nick, slow down,” Howie interrupted. “Who do you feel like you betrayed?” He asked. “Brian,” Nick whispered as he squeezed his eyes shut. Howie watched him carefully for the next few moments, suddenly seeing things differently. So there was more between Nick and his best friend than just friendship and sex. He could tell that Nick wasn’t really completely aware of his feelings…but that was why he felt so guilty. “You could call him you know, and talk about what happened,” Howie said softly. Nick shook his head. “Not right now…” 

They were both silent for a few minutes, Nick thinking about Brian; Howie knowing he had to talk more about this evening before Nick fell asleep. “Nick, can I talk to you about Kevin?” He asked softly, not really sure how to start. “It was like he put me under a spell,” Nick whispered. “I couldn’t think of anything but him and…Howie it felt so good,” he went on in the same whispered voice. He shut his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath; Kevin’s kisses and touch still clear in his mind. 

“He wanted me to go home with him,” Nick continued after a few moments, opening his eyes again. “That’s when things hit me. I…I knew I had to stop.” Although he wouldn’t admit it, Howie was rather impressed that Nick had pushed Kevin away and resisted. He knew how seductive and how convincing Kevin could be. “Nick, did he ask to see you again?” Howie asked softly. “Yes…he asked for my number. I was going to give it to him but…but Alex took me away before I could…” Howie nodded. “Nick, do you want to see him again?” He asked, pretty sure what the answer would be. “I don’t know!” Nick cried, becoming very upset again. “Shh…it’s ok. You don’t have to know right now,” Howie whispered, trying to soothe him. “I’m afraid of what might happen if I do,” Nick said in a calmer voice after a few moments.

Sighing, Howie looked down at his younger friend and once again took his hand. “Nick, I’m not gonna tell you how to live your life,” he began. “But as a friend, I want to warn you…and then you can make your own decision.” “Warn me about what?” Nick asked. “About Kevin.” Nick hadn’t expected that reply. He looked up at Howie curiously. And before he could ask, Howie began his explanation.

“I met Kevin when I was a freshman,” he started. “He was a senior. It didn’t take long for me to become completely enamored with him. He…he used that and well, he seduced me.” He stopped for a moment and looked away from Nick’s eyes. It didn’t hurt anymore; he’d long since gotten over Kevin. But still, reliving a painful broken heart was not something he enjoyed doing. “So we were lovers for about two months until he found someone new…” Nick stayed silent as he listened to his friend; he could see that Howie had been hurt badly. “And Nick, I’m not the only one…. Kevin’s not…he’s not one for commitment,” he said softly, hating the way he still sounded a tad bitter. “Now, granted, he told me when we started things that long term relationships weren’t his thing. But I was naïve. I fell in love and I thought I could change his mind.”

Nick squeezed his hand and looked at him with sympathetic eyes. “He hurt you,” he said softly. Howie nodded. “Very much. Because there were times when…when I thought he might have felt the same way…. But he didn’t,” he said in a whisper, remembering how painful it had been when Kevin had left him behind. “Nick when I saw you with him tonight, I…I don’t want you to get hurt the way I did,” Howie said softly. Nick sat up and put his arms around Howie’s neck and hugged him tightly. “Thank you,” Nick whispered. When they pulled apart Howie smiled softly at him. “You know, he’s probably gonna pursue you…” he said. “Kevin doesn’t like to lose.” Nick smiled back for a moment before looking away. “I don’t know if I want to see him again or not. And if I do, I don’t know what I want to happen…but I won’t let him hurt me. I’m not looking for love…with him…” He stopped after that thought and lay back down, seeming a little confused.

Suddenly Howie felt much better about what could potentially happen between Nick and Kevin. Nick, whether he realized it or not, was in love with his best friend. And if he felt as guilty as he did now for just kissing Kevin, he’d probably think more than twice before sleeping with him. In fact, Howie was rather sure that Nick wouldn’t sleep with Kevin. However, knowing Kevin, he knew they’d see each other again…but for once, Kevin may not get what he wanted. Howie smiled smugly at the thought. When he looked back down at his friend, his smile softened. Nick had fallen asleep. Howie stood up, switched off the lamp and shut Nick’s door behind him.  

He found Alex down the hall outside of Madison’s room. “How’s Maddy?” Howie asked. “She’ll be ok…she’s just a little bit hurt. How’s Nick?” He asked quickly, anxious to know how Howie’s discussion with him had gone. “He’ll be fine, he’s just a little confused,” Howie replied. “Did you warn him to stay away from Kevin?” Alex asked impatiently. Howie rolled his eyes and shook his head. Slipping his arm around Alex’s waist, they walked down the hall and he told him what had happened with Nick. 

~*~*~ 

It was still dark outside when Nick woke up. His head hurt and his mouth was dry. A glance at the clock told him it was just after four a.m. He sat up moaning and pressing his hand to his head when a sharp dizzying pain shot through him. “Damn rum and coke,” he muttered, moving slower now as he got out of bed. Bright light from the hall lights made him squint as he opened the door and slowly made his way down the hall to the bathroom. On his way back he paused outside of Madison’s door, knowing he couldn’t wake her up now to talk but still feeling horrible about what he had done.

 

Once back in his room he curled up under the covers with a pillow. He didn’t want to, but he couldn’t help replaying the evening’s events in his mind. His thoughts quickly drifted to Brian though. He squeezed his eyes shut when he felt tears stinging them and buried his face in his pillow. “I’m sorry…” he whispered, his heart aching. He couldn’t understand why it hurt so badly. He wanted to call Brian and tell him everything right now. But what would he say? Could he tell Brian that he felt like he had betrayed him? Would Brian be hurt or would he just brush it off and say it didn’t matter? That made Nick cringe and sink deeper beneath the blankets. He wanted it to matter to Brian.

When the tears came this time, he didn’t fight them. More than anything he wished that he were back in California safe in Brian’s bed, wrapped in his best friend’s arms. He curled himself tightly around his pillow as he continued to cry. His body ached for Brian’s arms, Brian’s touch. His heart yearned for something he couldn’t even name. Blindly, he reached for the phone on his nightstand and dialed the familiar numbers, but he hung up before it could ring. He couldn’t call Brian now; it was after one in the morning in LA. But the pain and confusion he was feeling was so overwhelming. Unable to stop crying or trembling, he called Brian’s number again. He let it ring several times, praying for Brian to be home, not out…with someone else.

Just as he was about to hang up Brian answered with a very sleepy hello. “Bri…” Nick whimpered. Brian’s attitude quickly changed from annoyance to concern. He sat up in bed and rubbed at his eyes in an attempt to wake up. “Nick, what’s wrong?” He asked, his voice still rough from sleep. “I…Brian, I miss you,” Nick said softly, breathing deeply to try and get his tears under control. Brian sighed and lay back down with the phone. “Nicky, I miss you too,” he whispered. “I always miss you,” he added, waiting for Nick to say more. There had to be more of a reason for Nick to call him at one in the morning than just the fact that he missed him. He could hear in his voice that his younger friend was very upset. He could hear tears, and he could practically see him curled up in bed, trembling and hugging a pillow.

“Brian, I…” He couldn’t finish. He was so worked up that he could barely breathe let alone speak. He had no idea how to tell his friend about Kevin and what had happened. “Shh…Nicky stop crying,” Brian whispered. It hurt him to hear Nick like this. He had no idea what was wrong, but whatever it was seemed to be tearing Nick apart. He wished he could be there to hold his friend in his arms and soothe him. “Nick, try to calm down,” he said softly. “I’m right here. Tell me what’s wrong baby,” he said calmly, his voice low. Hearing Brian call him baby only made things worse.

“I’m…sorry…Bri,” he whimpered between gulps for air. “Please stop crying Nicky,” Brian murmured, squeezing his eyes shut in pain, hating the way Nick sounded so sad. “Sorry for what?” He asked. “I…I went out t-tonight and I…I made out with Kevin…” he cried, his heart in his throat. He wanted Brian to react badly, to be hurt…but at the same time the last thing he ever wanted was to hurt Brian. He couldn’t understand his feelings and it only made him more confused, more upset. 

Brian said nothing for a few minutes, swallowing his shock and trying his best to pretend Nick’s words didn’t affect him. What was he supposed to say to that? Nick was obviously feeling very, very guilty or else he wouldn’t have called Brian so late at night in tears. So if he told Nick that it was no big deal and that it didn’t matter he would probably hurt him…not to mention the fact that he would be lying. It did hurt. Picturing Nick with another guy…with Kevin, whoever he was, made him upset, jealous and angry. But then again, telling Nick that would be just like admitting that there was more between them than friendship.  

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Brian said softly, his voice shaky. He was well aware that he sounded much more upset than what his words meant. He just hoped Nick wouldn’t read too much into it. When he closed his eyes he saw Nick with a faceless man, the two of them kissing and touching each other and he couldn’t stand it. His heart ached at the picture in his head…and it scared him to realize just how much it hurt. 

“But I feel like I…like I betrayed you,” Nick whispered, very unsure of where he was taking this conversation. He sniffled softly and wiped at the tears that still lay on his face. “I’ve never…I mean…Brian you’re the only guy I’ve ever kissed!” He exclaimed, feeling nervous suddenly. “Am I…supposed to feel this way?” He asked in a small voice, hoping Brian could make everything better, like he always had in the past. He wanted this strange pain in his heart to go away. He wanted these feelings to stop.  

Brian took a deep breath and shut his eyes. He knew he could do this. He could get Nick through this without hurting his feelings and without making him think they were more than friends. “Nick…you didn’t betray me,” he started softly. “But it’s not odd that you would feel that way, because like you said, I’m the only guy you’ve ever kissed. And it’s not like it’s only happened once or something. It’s been so many times ever since you were fourteen…so it’s only natural that you feel that way,” Brian explained softly, hoping to God he sounded convincing. “But Nicky…I don’t want you to feel like you owe me something,” he went on, his eyes still shut. “I don’t want you to feel guilty…”

Nick nodded even though Brian couldn’t see him and hugged his pillow tighter. Everything Brian said made sense…but the pain in his heart persisted. Soft, silent tears slipped down his cheeks as he clutched the phone to his ear and took a deep breath. He didn’t want Brian to hear his tears this time because he couldn’t explain them. His heart hurt and he just couldn’t figure out why.

“Nicky?” Brian asked when he didn’t answer. “I’m here…thank you Bri,” he whispered, quickly wiping at his eyes. Brian winced and bit down on his lower lip. He could tell that Nick was still sad, still upset, but Brian didn’t know what else to say to him. “I just…Bri, I’m just so confused. And I feel so guilty…because of you but also because Madison has a crush on the guy that I kissed. And I knew that! But I just…I was a little bit drunk and he’s…” he stopped, not sure if telling Brian about Kevin was the right thing to do.

Brian dug his nails into his palm and squeezed his eyes tightly shut as he forced himself to ask. “He’s what Nick?” It came out in a tortured whisper that Nick heard loud and clear. Suddenly the pain wasn’t quite as potent. Maybe Brian was a tad bit jealous and upset after all. Although he wasn’t sure what it meant, that made Nick feel better. “He’s gorgeous Bri…and very seductive…”

Again, Brian’s mind cruelly forced him to envision Nick in another man’s arms. It made his whole body tremble with jealousy. He hated the thought of anyone else touching his Nick. But he knew he had to stop thinking this way. So he forced himself to concentrate on what else Nick had said. “Did you talk to Madison about what happened?” He asked softly. “No,” Nick replied, yawning. “Not yet…I’ll do it tomorrow,” he whispered as he snuggled further beneath his blankets. Now that his heart wasn’t aching quite so much, his body was quickly giving into sleep. But he didn’t want to hang up yet. “Bri, will you stay on the phone till I fall asleep?” He asked in a whisper. Brian smiled and blinked back the tears in his eyes. “Yes Nick…I’m right here,” he replied softly.

“Brian…sometimes I miss you so much that it hurts me. I wish…I wish you were here now…” Nick murmured as his eyes fluttered shut. “Oh baby…sometimes I miss you like that too. If I was there now I’d wrap you in my arms and never let you go,” Brian whispered, his heart constricting in his chest. It was clear to him now what he truly wanted and why Nick’s call had hurt so much. Desperately, he wished that he and Nick could be lovers; that they could fall in love. It was only now that he realized how much he wanted to have more than friendship with Nick. But he didn’t know how. The last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt his best friend. And he was terrified that love would only end up tearing them apart.

Nick smiled, drifting closer and closer to sleep. Brian’s words were so perfect…they were just what he wanted. To stay wrapped in Brian’s arms…always. “I can’t wait for you to come home again,” Brian whispered, slipping further beneath his own blankets and imagining Nick was in his arms. “Me too,” Nick said, his voice barely a whisper. In his mind he was curled in Brian’s arms, safe and warm. He fell asleep soon after listening to Brian tell him how much he missed him. He felt so much better than he had before he had called. As usual, Brian had made everything better…for the moment at least.

“Nicky?” Brian whispered after a few minutes of silence. He smiled to himself when he got no response. “Good night Nicky,” he whispered before hanging up the phone. More than ever he was determined to not let things with Nick progress too far. The pain he had heard in Nick’s voice was too much. He had felt guilty for so little… Brian never wanted him to feel that way again…to hurt… He’d do anything and everything he could to prevent that. Even if it meant his own broken heart. 

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