Chapter
8
Nick was only three days into his spring
break and was already horribly bored…and alone. Madison, Alex and some others
had gone skiing in Vermont. Jen had gone home to relax and visit with some old
high school friends. And Howie had gone to Miami with his new boyfriend, Ryan.
Both Madison and Alex had invited him to come along but he had declined because
he was going home…to be with Brian. But things had come up for Brian at work,
and it had ended up that he wouldn’t have been home much anyway. To say the
least Nick had been disappointed…and upset.
When Nick had found this out, he had opted
to stay in New York rather than go home. His parents were on a mini vacation in
Europe. His brother and sister were staying with Cindy but they’d be in school during
the days and would probably want to hang with friends in the evening. He
probably could have found a way to go with Alex and Madison but he just wanted
to be alone now and think.
Ever since he had confessed to Brian about
his whole involvement with Kevin he had felt better. He didn’t want secrets
between them, especially when there was no real reason for them. And Brian had
been glad…he’d been glad because Nick hadn’t slept with Kevin. Nick smiled at
the thought as he walked slowly down the street, back to his dorm. Despite his
confession, his feelings towards Brian hadn’t changed any. But telling Brian
the truth had made his heart lighter…and hopeful.
They had made love later that day in the
evening after a long day on the beach. It had been just as good as always, but
there were differences. It had been slower and sweeter. Every touch had been
tender, every kiss precious, and Brian’s eyes had shone with something Nick had
never seen before…or perhaps he had just missed it in the past. Nick still wasn’t
sure what it was he wanted from Brian, but little by little he was starting to
figure it out.
He had also told Brian about Madison and the
night they had shared. To Nick’s surprise Brian had been fine with it, almost a
little relieved. He had smiled at Nick and had wanted to know all about it.
Nick figured it went back to that whole thing that Brian had about not wanting
to be Nick’s only influence. It had taken some courage, but he had also told
Brian when he had been with Madison and how that was the reason he
hadn’t been in his room to answer Brian’s phone calls. But Brian had reassured
him that it was all right, and he had nothing to feel guilty about.
He sighed as he took the elevator up to his
floor. Unlike when he was younger, he really didn’t mind being alone from time
to time, but he still wished that he was spending this week with Brian rather
than by himself. When he reached his room, he frowned in confusion at the note
on the door.
I’ve missed you.
That was all it said, and Nick had no idea
who would have left it…all of his friends were away. For a moment he froze and
his heart started to beat nervously in his chest. What if it was from Kevin? He
couldn’t deny he had thought about the older man several times since that night
they had gone to Velvet. He had seen him a few times, in passing, and his
heartbeat had always quickened. He often wondered what it would have been like
if he had stayed at Kevin’s apartment that night. He had no doubt that
the sex would have been great. But he also knew, in the end, guilt and worry
would have eaten away at him because of Brian.
But now…could this note really be from
Kevin? And if it was…why hadn’t he signed his name or anything? It was hard to
imagine Kevin leaving him notes. Nick was sure that the older man would never
be so indirect. If he wanted Nick, he’d tell him. Secondly, Nick found it
incredibly hard to believe Kevin was here in New York City missing him on
spring break. He could easily picture him tanning on a beach surrounded by
plenty of beautiful male and female companions…. Still frowning in confusion he
removed the note from his door and opened it…and all thoughts of Kevin fled
from his mind.
Brian smiled softly at Nick’s shocked
_expression and stood up. “What are you doing here?” Nick asked in a whisper.
Brian’s smile brightened as he stepped closer to his friend. “This,” he replied
softly and took Nick’s face in his hands. He kissed Nick tenderly as he wrapped
him in his arms. Nick responded naturally to the kiss, but he was still too
surprised to return Brian’s embrace.
But after a few moments, Nick finally
reacted, breaking the kiss and running his hands up Brian’s back. Brian smiled
at him again and kissed him once more, unable to resist. “We ended up finishing
our project at work a week early. I knew that you weren’t doing anything, or at
least I hoped that was still the case, so I thought I’d surprise you,” Brian
said, smiling. Nick’s face broke into a beautiful grin and he hugged his friend
tightly. Brian smiled to himself and returned Nick’s embrace. When Nick had
decided to stay in New York for spring break rather than come home, Brian had
been very disappointed. He knew he wouldn’t be home much anyway, even away in
San Francisco some of the time, because of a big project at work, but that
didn’t make it easier. And he had felt so bad because he had heard the sadness
in Nick’s voice when he had told him. So he had done everything possible to
finish his current project quickly so he could surprise his best friend.
“I got us a hotel room a few blocks away,”
Brian murmured into Nick’s ear. “I’ll leave to go back home Sunday morning so
we have, what…four days…” he said, kissing Nick’s neck. “As long as that’s ok
with you…” he trailed off softly, losing himself as the sweet scent of his
friend enveloped him. “Of course it’s ok,” Nick answered. He pulled back and
smiled again. “I can’t believe you’re here…” he whispered, still surprised.
Brian ran his fingers through Nick’s soft hair and cupped his face in his
hands. “I’ve missed you so much Nicky,” he whispered. “I couldn’t bear not
seeing you until May…so I made sure we’d finish early at work,” he said in
between soft kisses.
Nick kissed him back and then smiled. “I’ve
missed you too Bri,” he murmured. “Can we just spend everyday in the hotel?” He
whispered, hugging his older friend and resting his head on his shoulder. “You
read my mind,” Brian replied, finally stepping back from Nick’s embrace. Nick
smiled at him again, still surprised that he was here, and then turned to throw
some clothes and other things into a bag. He grinned to himself and almost
giggled when he found himself hoping that he wouldn’t really need the clothes
he was packing. Brian watched him and smiled softly, his heart beating just a
little bit faster…that happened every time he looked at Nick. Five minutes
later, Nick was ready and the two of them left his dorm room.
Being that it was rather nice outside they
opted to walk the few blocks to the hotel. Nick decided right away that he
loved having Brian here, with him in New York City. Before he could stop
himself, he was picturing the two of them living together in some small, homey
apartment, making love on their lunch breaks and taking walks together in
Central Park. He could picture that as easily as he could see them in a house
on the beach in California, behaving much the same way. Those types of
fantasies had been plaguing him more and more recently. And though on some
level they were a little scary and rather overwhelming, mostly he adored them.
But they were one secret he kept from Brian because he wasn’t sure how his
friend would react. And more importantly, Nick wasn’t sure how he wanted him to
react.
Their hotel room was a small suite with a
couch and a television in one room and a king-sized bed in the other. A large
window in the bedroom overlooked a small portion of the city. It was perfect.
Suddenly nervous and unsure how to act, Nick
set his bag down next to the one Brian already had there, and ran his fingers
through his hair. Brian watched him with a small smile and took a step forward.
“Are you nervous?” He asked in a slightly teasing voice, his lips turning up in
a grin. Nick blushed and lowered his eyes as he nodded. Brian closed the
distance between them and slipped his arms around Nick’s waist. “Why?” He
whispered, still smiling. Nick shook his head and smiled back as he met Brian’s
eyes. “I don’t know…” he replied honestly, reaching out to wrap his arms around
Brian’s back. Truthfully, he didn’t…he had no idea why there were butterflies
dancing in his stomach. It almost felt like the first time….
Gently, Brian forced Nick to back up and
then sit down on the bed. “Maybe it’s because we’ve never…we’ve never made love
in New York…” he mumbled as Brian pulled Nick’s shirt over his head. Brian
couldn’t help laughing as he pulled off his own shirt. He thought that Nick
looked adorable, sitting there on the edge of the bed in just his jeans,
watching Brian with shy eyes. Nick kicked off his shoes and slid back into the
middle of the bed, waiting anxiously to be in his best friend’s arms. Brian
took of his jeans and shoes and crawled into bed. He settled himself on top of
his friend, his knees on either side of Nick’s waist, and looked down into his
eyes. He traced his fingers up and down Nick’s chest and smiled tenderly.
“I’ve missed being with you…so much,” Nick
whispered, his eyes sincere as they gazed up at his older friend. Brian leaned
down, closer to him and kissed him deeply. “I’ve missed you too,” he whispered
before kissing him again. Despite Nick’s nerves and Brian’s slow, tender touch,
the heat that engulfed them every time they touched soon took over and made
things more desperate. It wasn’t long before they were both naked and tangled
tightly in each other’s arms.
“Oh Nicky…fuck you feel good,” Brian hissed
as he sank inside of him. Nick moaned and wrapped his legs around Brian’s
waist, loving, as he always did, the way it felt when Brian filled him. He felt
completely vulnerable, and safe all at the same time. Brian took Nick’s hands
in his own and stretched them out over Nick’s head as he leaned down to kiss
him. Nick loved it when he did that…it always made him feel like he belonged to
Brian, and that was something he found himself wanting more and more,
especially when they were making love.
Afterwards, Brian collapsed on top of Nick
and didn’t move for the longest time. The two of them lay perfectly still,
panting and waiting for their heartbeats to return to a near-normal rate. After
awhile Brian found enough strength to lift his head off of Nick’s chest and
look down into his eyes. Nick smiled weakly at him and ran his fingers through
Brian’s sweaty curls. Brian kissed him gently and then rolled off of him and
onto his back. They lay still for another few minutes, still recovering, until
Nick sat up slowly and looked down at his friend. “I’m gonna take a shower,” he
murmured, smiling softly. Brian sat up and nodded. “I’m coming with you,” he
said, grinning. Nick blushed, which made Brian giggle and kiss him on the
cheek. “Come on baby,” Brian said as he got out of bed and reached for Nick’s
hand.
They took their time washing each other
under the hot spray of the shower, occasionally kissing softly. “So where did
all of your friends go for spring break?” Brian asked softly as he washed Nick’s
back. Slowly, he ran his soapy fingers all over Nick’s skin, caressing and
gently massaging his smooth flesh. Nick shut his eyes and sighed at the feel of
Brian’s hands on him. “Madison and Alex went skiing in Vermont,” he said
softly, his whole body tingling with soft, warm pleasure. He sighed softly as
Brian’s fingers ran over his hips and around to his stomach. Gently, Brian
pulled Nick against him as he wrapped his arms around him and kissed his back,
between his shoulder blades.
Brian knew he could get used to this…all too
easily. It was as easy as just closing his eyes. He could see himself waking up
every morning next to Nick, showering with him before work, meeting him
somewhere for lunch, watching TV with him after work, making love for hours,
walking at night on the beach, having breakfast in bed…. The clarity of his
fantasy was frightening, but for the moment he didn’t care. They had four days
just to themselves. Four days to block out the outside world and pretend things
were different.
“Jen went home, to where she used to live in
Connecticut, and Howie went to Miami…” Nick added softly after a few minutes.
He sighed and leaned back into Brian, turning his head slightly and kissing the
older man’s chin. Then he rested his head against Brian’s and shut his eyes.
Had he been lying down he would have fallen asleep. He couldn’t imagine feeling
anymore relaxed than he did right now. The warm water and steam of the shower
surrounding them, Brian’s soapy arms around him, Brian humming softly in his
ear…everything was perfect.
Eventually, Brian let him go and turned him
around, rinsing away the soap that still clung to him. Then once more, he slid
his arms around Nick’s waist and pulled his warm, wet body close so that they
were pressed together. He kissed him tenderly, sighing softly as their tongues
touched in his mouth. When they pulled apart again, Nick reluctantly shut off
the water and then stepped out of the shower.
Once they were dried off and warmly snuggled
in fluffy hotel-robes, Brian ordered them room service and then curled up next
to Nick on the couch. After eating and watching the rest of a movie on TV, they
were both ready to fall asleep, but neither of them wanted to. Nonetheless,
they crawled back into bed and into each other’s arms. After a lot of catching
up and best-friend chitchat, Nick thought of something he hadn’t even
considered before.
“Bri…do you plan on seeing your family while
you’re here?” He asked softly. Brian stared at him for a moment, a definite
sadness clouding his eyes, before looking away. “I already did…” Brian
whispered, unconsciously shifting closer to Nick, needing his warmth. Just
thinking about his family left him terribly cold….
“I actually got to New York yesterday,” he
began softly, looking into Nick’s eyes. He didn’t want to talk about this and
Nick could see that plainly. “Bri…you don’t have to--” “No, I want…I need
to talk about it…” Brian interrupted. It was true, he didn’t want to
talk about his family or the meeting he had with them yesterday. But he needed
to. And there was no one he would rather tell than Nick. “I met my parents
and my brother for dinner after I got in. I didn’t even want to go see them
Nick,” he said softly, his eyes dark. “But I figured I should…I mean they’re my
family and I…I haven’t seen them in almost four years.”
Nick ran his fingers lightly up and down
Brian’s back, sensing that he needed the touch. He knew Brian didn’t like to
talk about his family, and besides a few words here and there in the past, he
never really had. Nick also knew that the last time Brian had seen his family
had been on a brief trip to New York four years ago at Christmastime. He had
come back after only two days and had barely said a word about what had
transpired on his trip. Nick didn’t ask him then or any other time to talk
about his relationship with his parents and his brother, mainly because he
hated to see the sadness that would come into Brian’s eyes when he talked about
it. It was much the way he looked now.
“I called them before I left California,”
Brian said softly, feeling safe in Nick’s arms. “And I told them I’d be in town
for a few days and I thought that we could meet for dinner or something. Well,
instead of wanting to see me right away, my mom seemed rather put out that I
would give her such short notice. She had to fit me into her schedule,” he said
bitterly, an underlying hurt in his voice. “Plus she had no idea if my dad and
Harold would be free also. I’m sure I caused them all inconveniences, but we
all managed to meet for dinner at some ridiculously expensive restaurant after
I got in.” He stopped for a moment and looked into Nick’s patient eyes. They
seemed to encourage him to go on, to reassure him that no matter what, he was
there.
“Well, dinner was…” he paused and looked away
from Nick’s sweet eyes. “It was horrible Nick,” he whispered after a few
minutes, his eyes looking down at the bed sheets. The pain in his voice caused
Nick to pull him closer and kiss his forehead. He ran his fingers through
Brian’s hair, hoping to soothe him. “I…I don’t even know why I tried,” he
whispered. “Seeing me again only gave them a reason to remember that I even
exist. And once they remembered that, they also recalled that the thing they do
best is criticize me.” He squeezed his eyes shut tightly as he remembered
everything they had said to him. It hurt so much. It shouldn’t…he should expect
it by now, but still he had hoped that it was possible for things to change.
“My mom wanted to know why I’m not married
and why I insist on living in California. It’s an embarrassment to her
that I’m never around to attend family gatherings at the country club or a
friend’s wedding,” Brian said softly, afraid if he spoke louder his voice would
break. Nick bit his lip as he watched the pain flicker over Brian’s face. He
hated seeing his friend this way. He wished there was something he could do to
make him feel better, but he knew Brian needed to get this out.
“My dad thinks I’m an idiot for being in
PR…especially with a record company. Wants to know what the hell I’m
thinking…if I had any sense I would’ve become a banker like him and my brother.
I wouldn’t be wasting my life on the beach, probably chasing after movie
stars, and making less money than I’d been born with. It doesn’t matter that
I’m good at what I do,” Brian went on, emotion filling his voice. “Or that I
like it. I’m still a failure to him just because I didn’t do what he wanted me
to.”
“And then there’s Harold…my big brother.
He’d probably be happier if I had never been born…then again, he probably
forgets I’m alive as it is, so it might not matter,” Brian said, his voice cold
by now. But Nick could still see his eyes, and he saw the pain he was trying so
desperately to hide. “He also asked me why I wasn’t married…hoped to God I
wasn’t gay. Said he heard a rumor once, when I had still been in high school
that I was into guys. It would kill him if I was gay…he’d never want to
see me again.” Brian stopped and laughed bitterly. “And when exactly does he
ever want to see me now?” He asked, not expecting an answer.
“This of course made my dad start to eye me
suspiciously,” he went on. “He wanted to know, too, if I was gay. If I was I
could just forget about my inheritance. He said if he ever found out that I
was, ‘Fucking around with some fag,’ he’d disinherit me. And when I didn’t
really answer any of them, he watched me suspiciously for the rest of the
evening, probably already convinced that I’m gay. I wouldn’t be surprised if he
had his lawyer start re-writing his will already.”
Brian stopped and ran his fingers through
his hair, shutting his eyes in the process and breathing deeply. Nick could see
that he was trying to pretend none of this had affected him, but Nick knew him
too well. He could see the pain and the desperation in his best friends eyes
and it was breaking his heart.
“Nick
it’s…it’s been like this since I was a child,” he whispered, opening his eyes
and meeting his best friend’s tender gaze. Nick lifted his hand from where it
lay around Brian’s waist and gently ran his fingers over his cheek. He traced
his skin softly, trying to smooth away the hurt that made itself visible on his
friend’s face. “They’ve never supported me,” Brian whispered, his resolve to
remain indifferent quickly slipping. “Nothing I’ve ever done has…has made them
proud or made them smile…” he went on, his voice starting to shake, his eyes
beginning to water. Nick knew it wouldn’t be much longer before he broke. He
kept running his fingers over Brian’s cheek and into his curls, hoping his
touch comforted the older man in some small way.
“And
you would think that by now I would have just accepted the fact that the four
of us will never have any semblance of a real family relationship,” he went on
softly. “But…sometimes I think that if I just try…just one more time, things
will somehow be different, but it’s…it’s always the same Nick!” His voice
finally broke and so did his will.
Nick
pulled him against himself and held him tightly. Brian clung to his younger
friend as tears fell from his eyes. “Why don’t they love me Nick?” He
whimpered, burying his face in Nick’s neck as he cried. Nick squeezed his eyes
shut, trying to prevent his own tears from falling. His heart was aching in his
chest as he listened to his best friend cry. Brian was always the strong one,
the one who comforted him…his strength, his support…he had never seen him like
this before.
“What
did I…do w-wrong?” He asked softly, his voice shaking with tears. “Shh Brian…”
Nick murmured, trying to comfort him. “I’ve tried so hard, so many times,” he
cried, pulling back and looking pleadingly into his best friend’s eyes. “But
they just…they won’t…they won’t love me! And it…it hurts so…so bad!” He pushed
himself as close to Nick as he could and held onto him tightly, afraid to let
go. His body started to tremble as he sobbed against Nick’s chest. Nick ran his
hands up and down Brian’s back and through his hair, trying to soothe him. It
scared Nick to see Brian like this…to see him falling apart. But he was
determined to be strong for him, and hopefully make him feel better.
The
sadness in Brian’s voice broke Nick’s heart, and he wished he could take away
his pain. “You didn’t do anything wrong Bri,” he murmured, still running his
hands over Brian’s back and arms and through his hair. “You’re an amazing person
and…it’s their loss if they can’t see that,” he said softly, kissing the top of
Brian’s head. “You’re smart and kind and beautiful and so much more Brian…” he
said sincerely. He hated hearing Brian sound so devastated. And when he thought
about the fact that it had always been this way for him…that he had grown up
feeling unloved and unwanted, it made Nick’s whole body ache.
“I
just wish that…that I could have a family like yours,” Brian whispered once his
tears started to subside. He pulled back slightly so he could look into Nick’s
eyes, though he still clung closely to him. Nick smiled softly at him and wiped
the tears off of his face. “You do…you have my family,” Nick said
softly, cupping Brian’s cheek in his hands. “You’re already a part of my family,”
he continued. “And you always will be.” Brian looked into his eyes for a few
moments and said nothing. “You really feel that way?” He asked softly, sliding
his hand up Nick’s arm. Nick nodded. “Yes…and it’s not just me…I know they all
feel the same way,” he added. Part of Brian believed him and knew that it was
true…he had spent enough time with the Carter’s to know that they genuinely
cared for him. But a small voice in his head whispered that although they might
feel that way now, they’d never feel the same if they found out about
his relationship with Nick.
Nick
could see Brian processing this information in his mind…processing it and then
doubting it. He kissed Brian’s forehead and looked into his eyes again. “My mom
and dad love you Brian,” he said softly. “And so do Aaron and Angel…they look
up to you and admire you. I know that they think of you like another brother,”
he said, smiling as he ran his fingers through the older man’s hair. “They all
love you…and so do I,” he added in a whisper, quickly avoiding Brian’s eyes
when he realized what he’d said.
“You
do?” Brian asked, his voice barely audible, his heartbeat racing suddenly. Nick
was quick to compose himself as he met Brian’s eyes again. He nodded and
nervously cleared his throat. “Of course I do,” he said lightly. “You’re my
best friend.” Brian nodded and snuggled closer. He sighed and nuzzled his head
beneath Nick’s chin. “But I mean it Bri,” Nick said softly, still smoothing
Brian’s hair with his fingers. “You are part of my family…you’ll always
have us, and your aunt Cindy and…me. You’ll always have me,” he whispered,
unsure of what he wanted those words to really mean.
Brian
held his warm body tighter as his tears returned. He cried softly against
Nick’s chest, wishing he could somehow get closer to him, although physically
that wasn’t really possible. Nick’s promises of forever, his vow that he and
his family would always be there left Brian feeling warm and empty at the same
time. He knew that his younger friend meant what he said, but Brian didn’t
trust forever. How could he? The people that were supposed to love him didn’t.
And those who loved him now trusted him and put entirely too much faith, he
thought, in his goodness. And so despite Nick’s promise that he would always
have a place with his family, Brian still doubted it would last. He didn’t
really doubt them…it was more that he doubted himself. He didn’t really think
that he was good enough to deserve or be worthy of that love. He couldn’t
be…his own parents and brother didn’t love him. There had to be a reason, and
the only answer he could really believe at this moment, when his heart was
drenched in sadness, was that it was somehow his fault. He was unlovable. And
those that claimed to love him now just hadn’t figured that out yet.
Nick
held Brian tightly and let him cry. Desperately he wished that there were
something else that he could do. He knew Brian was reliving his meeting with
his family. And Nick knew his best friend well enough to know that on some
level he was blaming himself. He thought it was his fault that his cold,
heartless family didn’t love him. He thought that he didn’t deserve it; he felt
that he had done something to prevent that love from ever taking place. He
couldn’t see that it wasn’t him. His family was just unloving and cold. They
didn’t care about anything except themselves individually.
Nick
promised himself then, that someday he’d show Brian real love. He knew that the
older man trusted him and his affection, but he also knew, without a doubt,
that Brian truly didn’t believe he was loved. Not by Nick, not by Nick’s
family…not even by his own aunt and uncle. Somehow he would show Brian that
there were people who loved him.
Eventually Brian cried himself to sleep,
still wrapped tightly in Nick’s arms. Nick pulled back slightly and looked down
at his now sleeping friend. He ran his fingers over Brian’s face, drying the
tears that still lay there and trying to smooth away his pain so that it didn’t
haunt him in his dreams. Gently, Nick kissed his lips, his cheeks, his eyelids
and his forehead. “I do love you,” he whispered fiercely, wanting Brian
to hear him and believe him. The words sent shivers down his spine and made him
hold the older man tighter. They seemed so special, sounded so right… Brian was
his best friend…of course he loved him. But the words sounded different when he
spoke them out loud. They sounded magical and real…so very, very real.
~*~*~
Brian woke up to Nick’s bright blue eyes
watching him and his fingers running through his hair. Nick smiled softly at
him and kissed him. Brian loved the way Nick looked in the morning, so
beautiful…soft, sleepy…he couldn’t even describe it. “Did you sleep ok?” He
asked in a soft voice. Brian nodded and pulled the younger man closer so that they
were pressed tightly together. “Nick…thank you,” he murmured, reaching out to
brush his fingers through Nick’s hair. “For what?” Nick asked after yawning.
“For last night…for listening to me and--” Nick pressed his fingers to Brian’s
lips and shook his head. “You don’t have to thank me. You’re my best friend…”
he whispered, not knowing what else to say. He pressed his lips softly to
Brian’s and kissed him, sighing softly when Brian’s tongue met his.
Their kisses were warm, soft and lazy, both
of them still fighting off sleep. When they broke apart Nick snuggled himself
tightly against his older friend and shut his eyes. Brian wrapped his arms
around him and kissed the top of his head. He knew that last night he had
scared Nick slightly. Nick had never seen him fall apart, had never seen him so
upset and needy. Even when Nick had gone away to college for the first time,
Brian had held everything back until he was gone. But he also knew that Nick
honestly didn’t mind…he liked being the one to take care of him. However, Brian
was still afraid to show Nick that side of him, the side that was vulnerable.
Last night, he just hadn’t been able to hold it in.
A clap of thunder made them both jump. Nick
lifted his head and looked into Brian’s eyes, and the two of them started to
giggle. Nick kissed him and then settled himself on his side and wrapped his
arm around Brian’s waist. “Too bad it’s raining,” Nick said softly, his blue
eyes sparkling as they looked into Brian’s. “We’ll just have to stay in here
all day,” he added, a mischievous grin lighting up his face. Brian smiled back
and kissed him, slipping his fingers into the blonde’s hair as their tongues
met. “Mmm…I love kissing you,” Nick murmured against Brian’s lips, pressing his
body closer and closer to his best friend. He wanted to stay this way for as
long as he could. In Brian’s arms…that’s where he felt safest, that’s where his
happiness was. And as they lay there, he knew that he would always be happiest
with Brian…always.
~*~*~
They ended up only leaving the hotel once
while they were there. It was their last night together before Brian had to
return home and Nick had to go back to class. Brian wanted to do something nice
for Nick and take him out. It was like a thank you for listening to him and comforting
him. A voice in his head told him that the whole evening he had planned was
sounding much like a date…but he ignored it.
He took him to a small, homey Italian
restaurant that he had ate at several times when he was younger, before he had
been shipped off to boarding school. His brother’s ex-girlfriend had brought
him here often. She had been one of those few people to care for him and make
him smile…until she and Harold had broken up. Then she had gone away. But he
still held a fondness for the restaurant and bringing Nick there could only
make it better.
Nick loved it, as well as Brian’s reasoning
for taking him there. Glimpses into Brian’s past were always few and far
between so Nick always grasped at them eagerly. But besides all that, he just
loved being out with Brian. The two of them…together. Nick knew he was
probably making too much out of the evening but he couldn’t help it. His heart
was brimming with happiness, with excitement, and it showed in his sparkling
eyes and the bright smile that didn’t fade all evening.
When they were finished with dinner, they
left the restaurant and walked for a little while before Brian hailed them a
cab to take them back to the hotel. Nick found himself wishing that they could
hold hands while they walked… Without a word, Brian seemed to know, and as they
sat in the backseat of the taxi, he slipped his hand into Nick’s and smiled
softly at him.
Once they were back at the hotel Brian
stopped at the door to their room and smiled into his best friend’s eyes. “Nicky…go
up to the roof and wait for me there, ok?” He asked softly, his eyes hiding
something. Nick cocked his head to the side and started to ask why, but Brian
pressed his fingers to the younger man’s lips and shook his head. “I wanna
surprise you,” Brian whispered. Nick’s eyes lit up. “Surprise?” He asked
excitedly. Brian nodded, smiling at his happy _expression. “Yeah…so go upstairs
and I’ll be right up,” he said, kissing him quickly. He had to laugh when Nick
bounded away from him, practically running down the hall and into the
stairwell.
Brian stood perfectly still inside their
hotel room for a few minutes, contemplating what he wanted to do. It didn’t
take him long to fix up his surprise. It wasn’t anything too special…but he
knew how much Nick would appreciate it. Candles waiting in their room, music
and wine on the roof under the stars… It was simple. Simple and…romantic. He
paused for a moment, shutting his eyes and taking a deep breath. He couldn’t
deny it. It was romantic; everything he was doing. And the whole
evening…it hadn’t just been friends out for dinner. It was a date. There was no
getting past that. But these few days they had together were meant to be
special, to be different… He tried to argue that with himself, hoping he could
convince his mind to stop being so cynical. He just hoped Nick didn’t let it
all go to his head…or his heart.
~*~*~
Brian found him alone on the slightly
furnished rooftop of their hotel. The nighttime sky was bright with the lights
from the city, but if he looked hard enough he could still make out some stars.
Nick was sitting in a chair gazing up at the sky, waiting for Brian to appear.
He couldn’t believe this night was happening. Everything seemed like a dream
and he never wanted it to end. He should have guessed that after all the firsts
Brian had been for him…first kiss, first time having sex…that he would also be
his first real date. And nothing would convince Nick otherwise. Tonight had
been a date.
Brian watched him for a few minutes and
smiled softly. He felt a strange ache start in his chest and spread throughout
his whole body. It was powerful and frightening, and it took his breath away
until he could barely breathe. Just looking at Nick left him shaky, nervous and
so incredibly warm. The blonde turned his gaze from the sky to where Brian
stood and smiled. Brian felt his chest tighten even more as those blue eyes met
his. He drew in a shaky breath and walked over to where Nick sat.
Nick smiled happily when he saw what Brian
had brought with him. The older man set the small radio down and tuned it to a
slightly cheesy but still sweet soft rock station. He smiled sheepishly as he
poured them each a glass of sparkling white wine. “I didn’t really have time to
pick any better music,” he said. Nick laughed softly and stood up.
“Toast?” He asked, holding his wine glass
up. Brian smiled and did the same. “To us,” Nick whispered, his voice almost
inaudible, his eyes burning into Brian’s. Brian wanted to just nod, smile and
say something practical like, ‘To our friendship,’ but he couldn’t. There was
too much emotion swirling in the air between them, and the moment was too
perfect to ruin. “To us,” Brian echoed softly, touching his glass to Nick’s and
then taking a sip of his wine. The spell didn’t break with the end of their
toast.
“Dance with me,” Brian whispered, his blue
eyes never leaving Nick’s. Nick nodded and set down his glass. His heart
constricted in his chest and he felt tears sting his eyes as Brian took him in
his arms and pulled him close. They moved very slowly, hardly at all, pressed
cheek to cheek, their arms around each other. Brian sighed softly and shut his
eyes. He felt weightless; absolutely content to stay right where he was
forever. He felt safe. Nick squeezed him tighter and melted into his arms. It
was like nothing else existed. The world and all of its troubles dissolved
until nothing mattered but the two of them.
I stare at your face
Into your eyes
Outside there's so much passing us by
All of the sounds
All of the sights
Over the earth and under the sky
Too much cold and too much rain
Too much heartache to explain
Who needs the world when I’ve got you
Switch off the sun, the stars and the moon
I’ve all I need inside of this room
Who needs the world when I’ve got you
When the song ended and faded into a new one
they stopped moving but stayed exactly where they were, holding one another.
Brian knew, as he pulled back and looked into Nick’s eyes that he was losing
his heart. And Nick’s gaze plainly told him the same thing, if not more. He
knew he was walking on very thin ice right now. One step too far and he’d be
that much closer to breaking Nick’s heart. But right now he didn’t care, couldn’t
care…because this was his fantasy. This was what he dreamed of. Love. And
tonight it was his.
Finally, very reluctantly, he pulled out of
Nick’s arms and kissed him gently. Without a word the two of them slipped their
arms around each other’s waists and slowly walked across the roof and back
downstairs. Once in their room Brian made Nick wait in the small living area
and close his eyes. Brian quickly moved into the bedroom and lit all of the
candles he had set out before. He took a few moments to look at the scene he
had created with the simple glow of the flames and smiled. He walked back to
where Nick stood, waiting patiently with his eyes still shut, and stood behind
him. He slipped his arms around Nick’s waist and rested his chin on his
shoulder.
“Keep your eyes closed and take a few steps
forward,” he whispered, pressing his lips to Nick’s soft neck. Nick covered
Brian’s hands with his own and did as he asked. “Now…open your eyes baby,”
Brian whispered. Nick tightened his grip on Brian’s hands, and his body started
to tremble. “Oh Bri…” he murmured, tears blurring his vision. He turned around
and Brian kissed him tenderly. When they broke apart Nick wiped at his eyes and
giggled. “I’m such a dork…crying over candles,” he mumbled. Brian grinned
brightly and kissed him again. “You’re not a dork…you’re just a very hopeless romantic,”
he said softly, running his fingers through Nick’s hair.
“Brian…this night has been…it’s perfect,” he
whispered honestly. His eyes said so much more and Brian wanted to drown in
him. He reached up and cupped the younger man’s face in his hands. “Whenever
I’m with you it’s perfect,” Brian replied in a soft voice before pressing his
lips to Nick’s. Their kisses were slow and sensual, conveying to one another
all the things that they couldn’t say, all the things that they couldn’t quite
figure out or put into words. Nothing was rushed. Every touch was soft,
tender…beautiful. Their eyes never left each other’s gaze as they undressed one
another and then pulled their bodies close.
Brian couldn’t get enough. Nick couldn’t
stop wanting more. Brian bathed his body in tender kisses and warm touches.
Nick responded with more of the same. As they made love they felt their hearts,
their souls connect and become one, much like their bodies. There was so much
feeling, it washed over them, surrounded them and blocked out everything else.
Only together could they be whole, perfect, and complete. It was love.
Neither of them was ready to say it out
loud, but they both knew it to be true. Tomorrow, Brian would leave and go back
to California, and Nick knew that they still wouldn’t speak their feelings
aloud yet. They couldn’t. The time wasn’t right. They couldn’t admit to love
and then leave each other. It would be too painful. But someday, soon, Nick
hoped, the time would be right, the moment perfect, and then nothing would keep
them apart….
