Chapter 9
“Brian I swear to God…don’t…” Nick pleaded,
a grin on his face as he backed away from his best friend. “Come here Nicky,”
Brian said, a devilish smile on his face. He beckoned him closer with one hand,
while keeping the other behind his back, holding a water balloon. Nick shook
his head and kept backing away, further down the beach up to a small sand dune.
He glanced behind him and Brian laughed.
“Nowhere else to go,” he said smugly,
tossing the balloon back and forth between his hands. He was right; Nick was
trapped. The cleared beach had ended and Nick’s only escape was through the
sharp grass-ridden dunes. But before he could even think about escaping he was
hit in the back by a flurry of water balloons, and when he turned around to see
where they had come from Brian threw his, hitting him on the shoulder.
Aaron and Angel climbed down from their
hiding places on the dune and laughed at their brother. “I thought you guys
didn’t want to play anymore coz this was too immature,” Nick said, pouting and
trying his best not to smile as he eyed his teenage siblings. Brian laughed.
“That was our master plan, right guys?” He asked with a smile. Aaron and Angel
nodded. “Yeah, while you were inside filling up more balloons we decided we’d
tell you we were done playing,” Aaron said, smiling at his older brother. “And
then Brian said he’d lure you down here and that we should hide and then jump
out and surprise you,” Angel finished as she pulled her hair into a ponytail.
Nick tried his hardest not to, but he couldn’t
help smiling at the three of them. “My brother, my sister and my best
friend…all against me,” he said dramatically. “Whatever…you love us,” Angel
replied smugly, smiling sweetly at him. She squealed and jumped out of his
reach when he tried to grab her arm. She and Aaron laughed at him again and
quickly ran away back towards their house. Nick smiled after them before
turning his eyes on Brian. “And you…tricking me…you were supposed to be on my
side,” he said, smiling mischievously. Brian giggled and walked over to where
he stood to pick a piece of balloon out of his hair.
“My poor baby…I just couldn’t resist
attacking you with water balloons,” he said softly. Nick ran his tongue over
his bottom lip and eyed Brian seductively. He nodded knowingly. “You just
wanted to get me all wet…” he smirked, his voice low. Brian raised an eyebrow
and let his eyes wander Nick’s now slightly wet body. “Now that you mention
it…” he murmured, licking his lips. The way Brian was looking at him was
driving Nick crazy. It was like he was peeling his clothes off with his mind.
He took a few steps closer and slid his arms around Nick’s waist. Nick’s breath
caught in his throat and he licked his lips again as his heartbeat sped up. The
chills Brian’s touch sent down his spine thrilled him.
Brian knew he was being daring…Aaron and
Angel could come back at any second and catch them, but he couldn’t resist. He
kissed Nick hungrily, pulling him close and fisting his hand in his hair.
Eagerly, he pushed his tongue into Nick’s sweet mouth, pulling his body closer
as their tongues met. Nick kissed him back just as warmly and wrapped his arms
tightly around him. Their kisses were deep and hot, both of them suddenly
starved for the taste of each other.
“We better go back,” Brian murmured
breathlessly after many long minutes. Truthfully, he’d rather stay right there
with Nick and continue their heavy make-out session, but he knew that Nick’s
mom would be serving dinner soon, and if they weren’t there she’d send Aaron
and/or Angel to look for them. Nick kissed him again and then sighed softly,
breaking the kiss and pressing his forehead to Brian’s. “Yeah…if we have to,”
Nick replied against Brian’s swollen lips. They walked slowly up the beach,
arms around each other’s waists. “Someday, I’m gonna make love to you on the
beach…” Brian whispered, turning his head and talking into Nick’s ear. He
kissed his neck quickly and smiled when he felt Nick squeeze his hip.
Nick’s heart was floating on air for the
rest of the evening. As he sat with Brian, his family and Cindy and Brad for
dinner, he kept drifting in and out of the conversation, a dreamy smile
permanently plastered to his face. Brian had said someday. Someday meant
the future…and it meant that Brian must see them together in the future. Of
course, on some level Nick knew that he was probably reading too much, too fast
into Brian’s words, but right now he didn’t care.
Ever since he had come home for summer he
had been thinking more and more about what his and Brian’s relationship could
develop into. He wanted more. He was terrified by that simple fact, but it was
undeniably true. He knew what he felt, and he wanted to make it last. He just
had to figure out how and when to do all that.
He and Brian had been spending more time
together than usual…which was quite a lot. But more importantly, what mattered
most to Nick, was how they were spending that time. On one hand, nothing
had changed. They were still best friends…they still behaved like best friends.
But then there were all the other times that were so different…their dates
as Nick liked to refer to them.
Every time they went out it was more than
friendship…those times were special, different…. And those were the only times
that they made love now…only after their dates. Things had changed. When
they were friends, they were just friends. When they were dating
they were lovers. Nick smiled secretly to himself as he watched Brian,
unnoticed. Lovers. The thought made him shiver, made his smile just a
little bit wider, and made his eyes a little bit brighter. And it was during
one of those times that things between them changed completely…changed forever.
~*~*~
Nick smiled brightly at Brian as the older
man handed him a glass of wine and sat down next to him on his couch. The two
of them had just gotten back from dinner at a quiet little restaurant on the
beach. After eating they had taken a walk along the water, hand in hand,
silent. It was telling, Nick thought, that they could be just as comfortable
with each other without saying a word as they could when talking. Now they sat
together on Brian’s couch, sipping their wine, still silent. But it was Nick
who broke that silence a few minutes later.
“Thank you,” he whispered, setting his glass
down and turning to face his best friend. Brian set his glass down as well and
smiled softly at Nick. “For what?” He asked, slipping his arms around Nick’s
waist and pulling him closer. “For tonight,” Nick replied in a soft voice, his
eyes bright and happy as he looked into Brian’s. Brian felt his heart flutter
in his chest…the look in Nick’s eyes just took his breath away.
“You’re welcome…” Brian whispered, unable to
look away from Nick’s intense gaze. Although it frightened him to no end, Brian
treasured these moments. The times when all of his reasons not to start a
romantic relationship with Nick just disappeared. Everything that was happening
between them this summer, that had been happening every since that night in New
York, was confusing the hell out of him. Not to mention scaring him to death.
No matter how much he longed for love, it
still petrified him. What little experience he had had with love had scarred
him and left him cynical and wary. When he had been six, his beloved nanny had
left because his father had decided that he no longer needed her since he was
now in kindergarten. When he had been fifteen, his brother’s fiancée, whom had
cared for him and had brought out the little good that was in his brother, had
left after Harold had cheated on her. And even his aunt Cindy had left to move
to California with Brad when he had been younger. Every time he reached out for
love it was snatched away from him.
And now…it wasn’t that he didn’t trust Nick,
because he did. He trusted Nick with his life. And falling in love with Nick
would be…well, Brian had no doubt that it would be amazing. Especially since he
knew he was already a little in love with him as it was, and only a heartbeat
away from falling completely. But he was so afraid. He knew that if he gave his
heart to Nick he’d be more vulnerable than he’d ever been before. If something
happened, if things went wrong…Nick could break him. It would be as easy as
snapping his fingers. He hated having to be so cautious and to live with all of
these what ifs. He wished to God he could be more courageous, that he could get
past all of his fears…. His heart wanted to be with Nick, it wanted to love
Nick. But he guarded his heart so carefully…years of coldness, loneliness and
cynicism surrounded it. And no matter how much he wanted it, he didn’t think
that even Nick could breath through those walls.
But now, as they sat here together in each
other’s arms, all of these thoughts abandoned him and all he could see were
Nick’s bright blue eyes. He didn’t want to hurt him. The last thing he ever
wanted was to hurt him. He had promised himself long ago that he would never
let things come this far with Nick. But they were already here, and he had no
idea how to stop this.
Even as he melted into Nick’s arms and
kissed him, his mind was screaming at him to stop…begging him to stop. Don’t
hurt Nick…don’t! You will if you keep this up…because you can’t give him what
he wants, what he needs…what he deserves. Stop! But he couldn’t.
Their kisses grew deeper, more and more sensual as they tried to get as close
to each other as they could. When Nick stood up, he pulled Brian with him, only
breaking their kiss for a moment. All thoughts of resistance fled Brian’s mind
as Nick slid his shirt over his head and then removed his own. Nick kissed him
again gently, slipping his tongue past his lips as he ran his fingertips down
Brian’s arms.
When they broke apart Nick simply took
Brian’s hand in his and led him to the bedroom. He seemed to sense Brian’s
sadness, his fear and his reluctance to take things too far. Nick wanted to
surround him with softness, with tender touches and warm kisses. He wanted to
show him how good things could be between them. He knew Brian was afraid of
getting hurt, and he wanted to do everything he could to prove to Brian that
he’d never hurt him. He’d never leave him; never break his heart.
Nick led them to Brian’s bed and sat down on
the edge of it, his hand still holding Brian’s. He didn’t want to rush things.
They had made love so many times before but he wanted tonight to be special.
Letting go of Brian’s hand, he turned to face him and cupped the older man’s
face in his hands. Their eyes met and held for a long time as the two of them
just lost themselves in each other’s gaze and everything that they saw there.
Brian knew exactly what he was seeing in Nick’s eyes and before he could hold
them back, tears filled his own eyes and quickly threatened to fall down his
cheeks. It wasn’t fathomable to him why Nick would feel that way for him. He
couldn’t see why. He didn’t understand, and he didn’t think he deserved any of
it.
“Nick,” he whispered desperately, reaching
out for the younger man, trying to put into words the intense feelings that
filled his heart. But Nick just smiled softly and shook his head, his thumbs
caressing Brian’s cheeks. “Don’t be afraid Bri,” he whispered, leaning forward
and kissing his best friend’s eyelids, absorbing his tears. “I’ll always be
here,” he murmured as he brushed his lips across Brian’s cheeks. “I’ll never
hurt you,” he added softly as he pressed his lips to Brian’s and slid his arms
around his back.
Brian responded warmly, eager to lose
himself in Nick. They kissed each other slowly and deeply, both of them wanting
everything to last. Nick held Brian tightly and lowered him to the bed,
settling himself on top of his older friend. He let his hands wander Brian’s
body as they kissed. They were feather light touches that warmed the older
man’s skin and made him hold Nick tighter. Brian didn’t want any of this to
stop. If they could just stay like this…always. He loved the way Nick was in
control…leading things but not being demanding.
Nick slid his arms beneath Brian’s back and
pulled him closer. He kissed his best friend deeper, his tongue sweeping all of
Brian’s mouth, their lips pressed tightly together. Nick kissed him until he
was whimpering and pulling the younger man as close as he could. He wanted to
drown in Nick, to be surrounded by him. He wanted the protection Nick’s
closeness would offer…he wanted to be the vulnerable one and let Nick show him
everything he’d always longed for.
“Nicky…” he begged, reluctantly breaking
their kiss and opening his eyes. Nick looked down at Brian’s flushed face and
smiled tenderly. He kept one hand beneath Brian’s back and brought the other to
his face. He ran his fingers over Brian’s cheek and into his soft curls.
“Brian…you’re beautiful,” Nick whispered, losing himself in his best friend’s
eyes. He knew he could study Brian’s features forever. He loved looking at him.
He loved Brian’s deep blue eyes…how soft they were when he was comforting him,
how brightly they burned when they made love and how they sparkled when he
laughed. He loved Brian’s soft, curly hair and how it felt on his fingertips.
His soft skin, his sweet, sculpted mouth, his body…he couldn’t get enough.
Brian couldn’t catch his breath and his eyes
were so close to filling with tears. The way Nick was looking at him…it was too
much. No one had ever looked at him with such naked adoration in their eyes.
“Beautiful…” Nick repeated, his voice barely audible. He leaned down and
brushed his lips against Brian’s, never breaking their eye contact. Brian
tightened his grip on the younger man and swallowed hard, fighting to hold back
his tears. Nick began planting small, butterfly kisses all over his face and
his neck. Brian shut his eyes and let himself be enveloped by Nick’s touch. He
felt so safe, so warm…and more nervous than he’d ever been in his life.
The tears he so desperately wanted to hide
spilled over his eyes and down his cheeks. He started to tremble. “Nick…” he
pleaded. They younger man lifted his head from Brian’s neck and looked into
those eyes he loved so much, now wet with tears. “What is it baby?” Nick
murmured, kissing away his tears. Brian slid his hands up Nick’s back and took
his face in his hands.
“Make love to me Nicky,” he whispered, his
eyes desperate and warm. Nick’s eyes widened slightly and he swallowed hard,
feeling very nervous suddenly. “You mean…” he whispered. “Yes,” Brian replied
quickly, nodding and slipping his fingers into Nick’s hair. “I want to feel you
inside me,” he whispered, pressing his lips to Nick’s. Nick kissed him back
tenderly, passionately, pulling his body as close as possible and covering
Brian’s body with his own.
Brian felt weightless and warm. He was
filled with the anticipation of what was to come. He wanted this so badly.
Never before had he wanted anyone this way. He had always been afraid of giving
himself to another person, of opening himself that way and being the vulnerable
one. But with Nick it was ok, because Nick was caring and sweet and…everything.
Nick was just everything. But despite his desire and his need he couldn’t help
feeling nervous.
The two of them separated for a few short
moments to remove the rest of their clothes and to turn down the blankets on
the bed. They both blushed when they looked at each other and lowered their
eyes. Everything was different and they were nervous and flustered suddenly.
But soon, they were in each other’s arms and it didn’t matter.
Nick kissed Brian deeply before trailing his
lips across the older man’s cheeks and neck, and down across his chest. Brian
moaned softly and slid his fingers into Nick’s hair when the younger man began
sucking and licking at his navel. “Oh God Nick…” he cried out as the blonde
took him in his mouth. He shut his eyes and tried to gasp for breath, but
hardly any would come. Nick took him deeper, sucking him into his warm, wet
mouth, his soft tongue running across his hot skin.
But it didn’t last as long as Brian would
have liked. Nick kissed his way back up Brian’s body and then took his mouth in
another deep kiss. “I want you Bri,” he murmured, their swollen lips brushing,
their breath mingling. Their eyes met and held as Nick took Brian’s hips in his
hands and pulled him upward, against him. Neither could hold back their moans
of pleasure, nor could they quit kissing. When they pulled apart again, they
were hot, flustered and breathing heavily. Brian reached up and cupped Nick’s
flushed cheek in his hand. Nick turned his head slightly and pressed his lips
to Brian’s palm.
“Nicky…there’s something you need to know,”
Brian whispered as he watched Nick kiss his hand. As always, he was enthralled
with the younger man’s beauty and he couldn’t look away, even when Nick met his
eyes. “What is it?” Nick asked softly, leaning down to kiss Brian tenderly.
Brian slid his hands up Nick’s back and into his hair. Their eyes were locked
on one another, faces inches apart, bodies pressed tightly together.
“Nick, I’ve never…” Brian paused, swallowing
nervously, not quite sure how to proceed. But Nick quickly understood. “You
haven’t?” He asked quietly, running his fingers through Brian’s curls. “But the
first time…you told me how it would be and…” Nick went on, unsure how to say
what he wanted. Brian sighed softly and kissed the blonde. “I didn’t want you
to be scared then. I had to pretend that I knew exactly what it was like
because you were so nervous and…I had to be the experienced one. And I
mean…people had told me what it’s like, I just…I’ve never…I want it to be you,”
he finished softly, his eyes burning into Nick’s. Nick watched him for a few
minutes, and then without a word kissed him.
This time it was hungry, hot and desperate.
A new wave of desire was coursing through Nick’s veins, making him want Brian
more than he ever had before. He had always wanted this, had always been so
curious as to what it would be like. He wanted to take his best friend…fill him
and make him feel so complete the way Brian always did to him. In the past
there had just never really been a time when this situation had arisen, or
where Nick had had the opportunity to take the lead. The thought had certainly
crossed his mind several times, but when they were together, they always got so
caught up in each other and things just progressed the way they always
had…until now. And the fact that he would be Brian’s first…it thrilled him.
Their kisses grew deeper and more
passionate, their bodies heated and aching for more. “Nicky…baby please,” Brian
whispered, as he kissed and licked at the soft skin of Nick’s neck. Their eyes
met for a brief moment and both sets were burning with desire and heat. Nick
left the warmth of Brian’s embrace for a quick moment to find lube in the
nightstand. When he looked at Brian again, he saw, among the passion and lust,
nerves and fear. Quickly, he kissed the older man again and wrapped him tightly
in his arms, wanting to make him relax.
When they broke apart again, Nick slid his
hands down Brian’s chest and then further over his thighs. Brian swallowed
hard; feeling very nervous as Nick gently pushed his legs further apart. Nick
too was nervous…more than that; he was terrified. He didn’t want to do anything
wrong, but at the same time; he was aching to be with Brian this way. Never
looking away from Brian’s eyes, he quickly coated two of his fingers with the
lube and then slid his other hand to Brian’s hip. Brian couldn’t help shutting
his eyes as he felt Nick slowly push his finger inside of him. Although he was
still rather tense, Brian forced himself to try and relax. Nick bit down on his
lip as he pushed his finger further, overwhelmed by the way he felt right now,
by the way Brian looked before him. He had seen Brian vulnerable and exposed
before…but never so submissive, so…willing to be his.
Brian whimpered in pleasure and dug his
fingers into the sheets as a wave of pleasure coursed through his body. Nick’s
lips turned up in a tiny grin, though he still wore an intense look of
concentration. He knew just what Brian was feeling right now. He had never
forgotten his first time or every sensation that had gone along with it…he only
hoped he made Brian feel as good as he had. After a few more minutes, Brian
desperately reached out for Nick and gripped tightly to his arms. He was
sweating and panting and hungry for more. “Nick…please baby, I need you now…all
of you,” he begged, his eyes pleasure-glazed and bright as they looked into
Nick’s. Nick too was desperate for more. His whole body was tingling at the
prospect.
Brian sat up when Nick pulled his fingers
from him and kissed him hotly. He groped for the lube that Nick had set aside,
and when he found it he quickly began working it onto Nick’s erect cock,
swallowing the blonde’s moans from his ardent touch. Only a few seconds passed
before they found themselves ready…both of them nervous, both of them hot.
Brian slid his hands down Nick’s sides and gently squeezed his hips as he
pulled his knees back. Nick slid his hands up the side of Brian’s thighs and
took his hips in his hands. Their eyes were burning into one another’s, so many
unspoken feelings in both sets of blue.
“Come inside me…” Brian said, his voice
barely a whisper. Nick ran his bottom lip through his teeth and stared at Brian
a few seconds longer, his heart in his throat, his body aching with the
prospect of what he was about to do. His eyes never left Brian’s as he finally
pushed the tip of himself inside of the older man’s body. Nick’s hands dropped
from Brian’s hips to the bed at either side of him and his head fell forward
onto his chest. It took everything he had not to push himself further, deeper,
faster. But the last thing he wanted was for Brian to be in pain. Brian gripped
the sheets beneath him, his fingers brushing Nick’s briefly, and bit down on
his lower lip. He hadn’t been quite sure of what to expect. Now he knew, and it
truly did hurt…more than he had expected, yet at the same time, he sensed
something beneath it all that he didn’t want to miss.
“Shh…baby, I’m sorry…” Nick whispered,
clearly upset that he was causing the older man pain. He reached up to wipe
away tears Brian hadn’t even known had fallen, and when he did Brian grasped
Nick’s hand in his own and shook his head. “It’s ok…” he gasped, squeezing
Nick’s fingers. “More Nicky…please…” he begged, his eyes pleading. Eagerly,
Nick went further, slowly pushing inside of him and stopping only once he was
completely buried.
“Oh God Bri…I…you feel so good,” Nick
hissed, white-hot pleasure washing over him; the feel of being surrounded by
the hot walls of Brian’s body was incredible. He watched Brian intently;
knowing the older man still needed a few moments to get used to the feeling of
Nick inside of him. Brian shut his eyes, unable to meet Nick’s passionate gaze
right now. The pain was fading rather quickly though and Brian was met with a
powerful need to have Nick closer to him. And as the pain dissolved, he was
left with a feeling of fullness and the desire for more. He felt completely
open, vulnerable and so very needy…for right now he was Nick’s. And he loved
it.
He nodded when Nick’s eyes pleaded with him.
Slowly, Nick pulled back slightly and then pushed into Brian again. “Oh Nicky…”
Brian moaned as waves of pleasure shot through his body. He reached for the
blonde and wrapped his arms around as much of him as he could, arching his body
upwards to meet Nick each time he thrust into him. When Nick slid his hands
down Brian’s thighs to his knees, Brian reacted automatically and wrapped his
legs around the younger man’s waist, desperately pulling him closer, encouraging
him to go deeper.
“More Nick…God, it feels so good,” Brian
moaned heatedly, his skin slick with sweat, his body pulsing with pleasure.
Nick couldn’t get enough of him. He didn’t want this to end, yet at the same
time he was anxious to reach the peak he was driving them both to. He leaned
down and slipped his arms around Brian’s back, pulling him up against him and
sliding one hand into his hair. Brian trembled and fell limp against Nick as
the blonde again pushed deeply into his body. “You’re so good Brian…” Nick
whispered in his ear, his tongue darting out to lick his earlobe. He held him
tightly, loving the feel of their hot, sweaty bodies pressed together. “So
beautiful…” he breathed. “And you feel…God you feel good,” he gasped, thrusting
into him again, trying to keep up his slow pace and knowing he would soon fail.
Their lips met in a passionate kiss, tongues
fighting to touch, to taste and to wrap around each other. Brian squeezed his
body tightly and eagerly arched up against Nick, pushing him deeper with his
feet and moaning into their kisses. “Jesus…Brian, I can’t…I can’t last,” Nick
panted against Brian’s swollen lips. “You’re so hot…so tight…God, come with me
baby…please,” he begged desperately. Brian moaned, trying to get even closer to
him, knowing it really wasn’t possible. “Yes…” he moaned hotly. “Nick…Nick…oh
God Nicky….” He screamed as Nick filled him once more, hitting his prostate and
coming inside of him. It sent them both over the edge. As they fell they held
each other as tightly as they could and kissed each other deeply, their eyes
locked all the while, a rush of emotions filling both of their hearts.
When it finally ended the two of them
collapsed into a heap of tangled limbs, their bodies still connected. They lay
that way for what seemed like hours, catching their breath, unable to move.
When Nick finally lifted his head from Brian’s chest he couldn’t help the
tender smile that lit his face. Brian was asleep, looking very exhausted yet
very content. Nick brushed his sweaty curls off of his forehead and kissed him
tenderly. As carefully as he could, he pulled out of him, all the while hating
to break that connection, and then settled himself next to Brian. The older man
automatically turned in his sleep and snuggled closer to Nick, his arms
reaching out for him even in his dreams.
Nick, though emotionally and physically
exhausted himself, couldn’t help wanting to watch Brian sleep. For a long time,
he ran his fingers over his best friend’s face, loving the feel of the smooth,
soft skin under his touch. He kissed him gently and then finally pulled the
sheet over their cooled bodies. Making love to Brian had been everything he had
ever imagined it would be and even more. He had never expected it to feel so
different, yet so the same, and he knew it had been the same for Brian.
“I love you,” Nick mouthed, the words barely
leaving his lips. He shivered at the sound of them, a little surprised, but
knowing exactly what they meant now. As he watched him sleep, Nick knew Brian
was his one true love, his life…his everything. There was nothing he wanted
more than to spend the rest of his life with him, making him happy and basking
in the glow of that love. He kissed him once more before finally, reluctantly,
shutting his eyes and snuggling himself tightly against the older man’s body.
Their life would be perfect together; he just knew it. And he couldn’t wait to
tell Brian.
~*~*~
But Nick didn’t tell him right away. The few
opportunities he had always seemed to slip through his fingers. For one, he was
very nervous. He knew that this would change things entirely. And he also
wanted things to be perfect. It wasn’t so much that he needed a beautiful,
romantic setting to tell Brian the truth about his feelings, he just needed the
perfect moment. He wanted it to be natural and the timing had to be just right.
There were only two weeks left before Nick
had to return to New York to begin his final year at school. He and Brian had
eaten dinner at Nick’s parents and had then spent a few hours watching a movie
with Aaron and Angel. Afterwards, rather than go back to Brian’s apartment
right away, they took a walk together along the ocean. It was after eleven and
the beach was deserted. Being that Nick’s family’s house was on a private
beach, they knew the chances of running into anyone were pretty slim. Hand in
hand, they slowly made their way across the sand, the moon lighting their way,
the water warm as it washed up against their feet.
It didn’t take long for them to reach their
favorite nighttime spot. When they had been younger, they had always come here
at night or even during the day because it was the perfect spot. Completely
secluded by sand dunes on three sides, the only way to get to the small patch
of soft, white sand was to wade knee-deep into the water and walk down the
beach for a few yards before turning back up towards the shore. Once they got
there, the two of them sat down in the cool sand and leaned against each other.
Neither of them said anything for the
longest time. They were both content to look out at the water, which was
sparkling under the light of the moon, and just enjoy each other’s presence.
Nick took off the sweatshirt he had tied around his waist and set it on the
sand behind them. When Brian turned to face him, Nick slipped an arm around the
older man’s waist and kissed him tenderly. The two of them lay on their sides
in the cool sand and rest their heads on Nick’s shirt. Brian pulled him closer
as Nick slid his fingers into his curls and pressed their lips together again.
Their kisses were soft and sweet, warm and tender. Minutes passed before they
broke the seal of their lips, the touch of their tongues, and breathed deeply.
Their faces were flushed softly with tender passion, their eyes warm and full
of so much.
Brian’s whole body was tingling from Nick’s
gentle, loving touch. There were butterflies in his stomach, love in his
heart…and worry in his mind. Nick’s eyes shined with a bright blue that told
Brian exactly what the younger man was feeling for him. Every touch confirmed
it; every kiss deepened it. He pressed himself closer to Nick’s warm body,
seeking comfort and finding so much more. And he wanted it! He was so surprised
by that simple fact. But that was only going to make things harder.
He kissed Nick again softly, yet
desperately…hoping he could put off the inevitable for as long as possible.
Nick was surrounding him with warmth, truth, life…love. But when their
kiss broke again and he saw Nick’s eyes brimming with that love, it was terror,
not happiness that filled his frightened heart.
“Brian…there’s something I have to tell
you…” Nick started softly, nervous as hell, but ecstatic to finally get this
out. “Nick…” Brian tried to interrupt, frantic suddenly to stop this before it
started. But Nick missed his panic and smiled softly at him, pressing his
finger to his lips. “No, please let me finish Bri. It’s easy really, I just…I
just haven’t known how until now,” he murmured, his fingers absently caressing
Brian’s cheek
I love you. Just say it Nick…and everything
will be perfect. His heart was beating a mile a minute. He
felt weightless and nervous and happier than he had ever been. “Brian…I…I lo--”
But Brian stopped him…just in time. He
pressed his fingers to Nick’s soft lips and shook his head, his eyes pleading
for understanding. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please understand why…please
Nick…I’m sorry. He watched as the smile slowly faded from Nick’s lips and
the light went out of his eyes. The look in his eyes burned…it physically hurt
Brian to look at him. He lowered his eyes and stared at the sand beneath them.
He squeezed his eyes shut when he felt Nick let him go and sit up, taking his
warmth with him.
“I’m sorry,” Brian whispered, wondering if
Nick would even listen to him. But when he got no response, he went on, still
looking at the same spot in the sand. “The last thing I want is to…hurt you.
But I…I can’t give you what you want…” he finished, his voice barely audible
above the crashing waves.
But Nick heard him loud and clear. He pulled
his knees into his chest and wrapped his arms around them, trying desperately
to get warm. He was so cold now…cold all over. His fingers and toes were
freezing, his arms, his legs, his chest, his back…his heart, his soul…all
frozen. He bit down on his bottom lip as hard as he could, to the point of
tasting blood, to prevent his tears. It hurt but he wouldn’t stop…anything so
he wouldn’t cry. It hadn’t taken much. It had happened so fast. But with those
few simple words and that horribly sad look in his eyes, Brian had broken his
heart.
When Brian sat up next to him, Nick could
feel the older man’s eyes on him. He could sense him trying to find something
else to say, deciding whether or not he should reach out and touch his younger
friend. But Nick stood up before he had the chance, bolting to his feet and
running his fingers through his hair. Unable to resist, he looked down at his
best friend briefly, their eyes meeting and holding for only a few seconds
before he turned away.
Without a word Nick walked into the water,
back through the small tidal pool of water and back up the beach. By the time
he reached the sand again he was running. He knew he was going in the right
direction, but after a few minutes, he really didn’t know if he had passed his
house or not. His vision was blurred with tears, his feet hurt from running in
the sand and his heart was bruised, bleeding and torn in two. The tears that
streamed down his face burnt his skin as the cool ocean air blew against him.
He ran until he couldn’t breathe, until he had no choice but to collapse in the
sand and bury his face in his hands.
“How…could you?” He whispered into the
nighttime air, his breath still coming in heaves and pants. Between the running
and his sobs it was nearly impossible for him to catch his breath. The pain in
his heart just wouldn’t go away. He loved Brian! Loved him more than he thought
was possible. Maybe he had always loved him…since they had met, since their
first kiss…now that he knew the truth, he couldn’t pinpoint when it had
started. But the absolute worst part was that he knew that Brian loved
him too. There wasn’t a doubt in his heart, even in his mind. He had seen that
love in the older man’s eyes when they kissed and when they made love, and
other times too…simpler times when they were just together. He had felt that
love in Brian’s touch…the way he held him and caressed him. And more
importantly, he just knew. They were connected and he could feel what Brian
felt…and Brian loved him.
But what did he do now? He knew, simply
because he knew Brian as well as he did, that the older man had convinced
himself that love between them wouldn’t work…that it couldn’t happen…ever. The
tears that had briefly subsided welled up again in his eyes at that thought. He
shook his head and buried his face in his arms. He couldn’t accept never. There
had to be something he could do, someway he could make Brian see that this was
right. The two of them…together…that was what was right.
But he couldn’t think now. He couldn’t think
of anything but the pain that had overtaken his entire body and soul. He had to
get away…far away. Seeing Brian again would only make the pain worse. If he
could just get away, maybe he’d be able to figure something out. Somewhere deep
inside of him, he was determined to make things work for him and his best
friend. He knew that there had to be a way to make Brian realize how much he
loved him, and that he would never, ever hurt him. But right now his emotions
ruled him and all he felt was fear and heartbreak.
Quickly, he stood up and wiped furiously at
his eyes, trying to make out where he was on the beach. Amazingly enough, he
was only a house away from his own. He made his way up the deck stairs and
paused for a few moments outside of the door, peeking inside to make sure no one
was awake. He knew he must look awful. His eyes were probably blotchy and red,
and his face stained with tears, not to mention the fact that his inner sadness
was easily reflected on his entire being. No one, especially his mom, would let
him get upstairs unnoticed that way. And the last thing he wanted right now was
to talk to anyone. Once he was sure no one was there he let himself inside and
quietly made his way up to his room and crawled into bed. He didn’t fight the
tears when they came back. He buried his sobs in his pillow and hugged it
tightly to himself, wishing Brian were here, holding him and making the pain go
away. That was what was hardest…his heart was broken and he couldn’t cry in his
best friend’s arms.
~*~*~
It was two days later, and Brian hadn’t left
his apartment since he had returned to it after that night on the beach. After
Nick had left him there on the beach, he had let himself fall apart. His tears
had been hot and painful. He had sat there for hours, freezing in the cool
nighttime air, hugging Nick’s sweatshirt and hating himself. He had broken
Nick’s heart. He had taken the smile off of Nick’s sweet face, the happiness
out of his eyes…and all because he was a selfish, worthless coward. That’s what
he had been telling himself for the past two days.
He didn’t remember what time it had been
when he had finally found enough strength to stand up and walk back down the
beach. A part of him had hoped he would find Nick along the way so he could
try, for whatever it was worth, to make things better. But he knew that the
only way he could really do that was to tell Nick that he loved him. And that
was something he couldn’t do. Not because he didn’t want to…but because the
thought paralyzed him with irrational fear. After everything they had shared,
everything they had been through together, he had thought that the one thing he
could let himself trust would be Nick and Nick’s feelings. And he did…but
obviously not enough to let go and give himself to Nick.
He had pictured, several times, what it
would have been like if he hadn’t stopped Nick…if he had let him say, I love
you. It made him want to cry…more. It was in those moments that he wondered how
he could have been so stupid. How could he have let his past, his fears of love
and forever get in the way of something so special, so precious, so…perfect? No
one knew him like Nick did. No one made him feel the way Nick did, and he knew
no one ever would. But if he thought about it too long he would freeze up and
all of the things that could possibly go wrong ran through his mind with
lighting speed, terrifying him and making him retreat into his protective
shell.
The morning after, he thanked God he didn’t
have to work, closed all of the blinds in his apartment to block out the
offending light and sat on his couch curled in a blanket staring vacantly at
the shows of daytime TV. When the phone rang the first time he barely heard it
and didn’t make it there in time to pick it up. Before anyone could leave a
message he unplugged the answering machine and then took the phone off the
hook. He doubted Nick was trying to call, and he honestly didn’t think he’d be
able to talk to him if he was.
And now, a day later, he sat in the same
place as the day before watching TV and replaying everything that had happened
with Nick over and over again in his mind. He tortured himself and started at
the beginning…the day they met, their first kiss, when they made love for the
first time…everything up until the moment he had broken that fragile and
beautiful heart that beat within his young love’s chest. The knock on the door
startled him and made him wonder who had managed to get upstairs without being
buzzed up by him first.
He didn’t want to, but he got up to answer
it anyway. It was his aunt Cindy standing on the other side of the door,
looking worried and shocked. He let her in, shut the door and then walked back
to where he had been sitting on the couch. She stared at him for a few moments,
not knowing what to say, before sitting down next to him and grabbing the
remote off of the couch. Even when she switched off the television, he didn’t
speak and didn’t make a move to look at her.
“Brian…I’m not going to pretend I know
what’s the matter, because I don’t,” she began tentatively. “But I do know that
something went wrong between you and Nick.” He looked over at her sharply and
she swallowed hard. The pain in his eyes was raw and unfiltered. She wanted to
reach out to her nephew and gather him in her arms and try and soothe away the
hurt, but she knew he wouldn’t let her. “I was at Jane’s house yesterday
and…well, he…he looks a lot like you do now,” she said softly, unsure if she
was going to far, but wanting nothing more than to help. He shut his eyes and
dropped his head into his hands.
“I don’t want him to be hurting…” Brian
whispered after a few minutes. His body started to shake and when she heard the
sobs escape his lips she pulled him into her arms. He was stiff only for a
moment before clinging to her and crying into her loving embrace. “Shh…honey,
it’ll be ok,” she whispered, wishing she knew what was wrong. “But I h-hurt
him…” he choked out. “It’s all my fault…” She held him for a long time, letting
him cry and listening to what had happened. It was plain for her to see that
Brian was very much in love. But if anyone understood why he was pushing that
love away it was she.
After a while, he sat up and wiped his eyes.
She ran her hand through his hair and sighed. “Brian, the reason I came over
here was…well first of all your phone’s been off the hook for two days, and
secondly…I had to let you know that…Nick’s leaving,” she said softly. He looked
over sharply. “What do you mean…leaving?” He asked in a whisper. “He’s going
back to New York early…today. Jane said he told her there’s some special class
he wants to take that begins early but…she knows something else is wrong.”
“I can’t blame him for wanting to leave…”
Brian said quietly after a few moments. “Brian…go see him. Don’t let him leave
with things like this,” she pleaded, hoping to reach his heart. He shook his
head and looked away from her. The pain was eating him whole from the inside
out. Everything was ruined. He hadn’t only broken Nick’s heart; he’d lost his
best friend…his only friend. “He’s better off without me,” he murmured, pulling
his knees up to his chest and gathering the blanket around him.
She slipped her hand beneath his chin and
forced him to meet her eyes. “That’s not true,” she said firmly. “If you think
he needs this time and space then let him have it. But don’t wait too long Brian.
Don’t let him get away. Whether you want to admit it or not you love him and
you need him,” she said in a soft voice, though her words left no room for
argument. “And he loves you…so much. Real love isn’t an easy thing to find
Brian, so don’t let it get away.” She leaned over and kissed his forehead
before standing up and walking over to the door. “Think about what I said. And
remember that I’m always here if you need me,” she said, her heart aching for
her hurting nephew.
When she left Brian turned and looked after
her wondering if she knew how very much her words meant to him. It was only
five o’clock but he dragged himself into his bedroom and fell into his bed. He
grasped tightly to Nick’s sweatshirt and reached beneath his pillow to find the
t-shirt of Nick’s he still had…the one the blonde had given him several years
ago. His sleep was fretful and uneasy and his body ached for the soft comfort
of Nick’s warm arms. I love you too Nick. I love you. His greatest wish
that was maybe someday, he’d be able to say those words out loud.
~*~*~
Several miles above the earth, midway across
the country Nick slept fitfully on a plane, curling himself into his seat and
trying to stay warm. He wanted Brian. He missed Brian. He loved Brian. Things
had been so different in his dreams and now they were shattered. Somewhere
inside of him was hope, but for the moment it was buried deep and everything
was dark and bleak. He had lost the one person he loved more than anyone on
earth and he had no idea how to get him back.
