Broken

By: Stacey Johnson

JC Chasez read the letter that was mailed to him the two days ago. He couldn’t believe that this was his Kayla. Kayla would never be this obsessed over anything. He read over it again and again, shocked beyond words. He stared at the words she’d written to him about that night that had changed everything. He couldn’t believe it.

August 12

Josh:

I stare out the window into the darkened streets, not really seeing anything at all. Still remembering everything that happened that day. Over and over like a VCR stuck on replay. It literally haunts me. I can’t get you out of my head! That one moment. In that one moment you killed me! Destroyed my entire life. I remember. All to clearly I remember the day I poured my soul out to you and you flat out refused me. You ripped my heart out with those three little words. I reflect upon it now, thinking as I have for a whole month of nights that maybe I had done something wrong, maybe I had made a mistake somewhere along the way. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you. Maybe I should have kept it to myself. But damn it, what was I supposed to do? Keep my unrequited love to myself, apparently.

I really wish you could see me Josh, I wish you could know the pain I‘ve felt. I know you wouldn’t recognize me. I’ve changed so much in less than a month. I see myself in the mirror every morning. I don’t even recognize myself! My hair is flat and turning brown, my eyes are bloodshot, my skin is the same pallor of the dead. I might as well be fucking albino. I have some fucking white hairs. The blue of my eyes is so pale that it looks almost like I’m blind. I’m skinny now. I’m sure Bobbie would say I’m anorexic cause I haven’t had ANYTHING to eat in a month. I really wish you could see me, then maybe you would know that you did this to me! You made me what I am today Josh! Aren’t you so proud? Let me take you back to that night. An entire month ago. How I’ve survived is a mystery even to me. Can you remember when you killed me, Josh? I died that night. I’m still breathing but I wouldn’t say I’m living, would you? Oh right I forgot! You don’t care enough to see if I’m still alive, do you? You have what you want! You have fame, you have your friends, you have Bobbie. Who cares about what I have? That’s right. No one can because I have nothing! Because of you! I wish you could hear me, Josh, even my voice has changed. I always have tears in my voice now. You made sure of that.

JC painfully remembered that night. He hadn’t meant it. Not really. He was just upset. He wished he could take it back now. But of course, what’s been broken can’t be put back together again.

*******************ONE MONTH AGO*****************

“Josh!” JC groaned. “Josh!” The voice was frantic. JC turned slowly and groaned even louder. A young, slightly chubby girl of about eighteen with deep red hair and naturally bright dark blue eyes ran up to him wearing shorts and a tank top. Kayla Wilson. His best friend. Someone he really didn’t want to see right now. Over the years, and the success of *NSYNC, JC and Kayla had grown apart. Or so JC thought.

“Hey Kay. What’s up?” Kayla noticed something wrong with JC.

“What’s wrong Josh?” Her face darkened. “Don’t you want to talk to your best friend?” JC hung his head. He really should talk to her more. “Josh?” JC grimaced. Kayla was the only one who called him by his first name. He looked up and put on a fake smile.

“I was just waiting for Bobbie, Kayla. It’s good to see you.” Kayla clenched her fists at the mention of JC’s girlfriend. But she smiled as radiant as ever and only JC noticed that it didn’t reach her eyes.

“So what are you guys doing?” JC was already tired of her always-chipper attitude. He shrugged and looked at his four bandmates for help. Nothing. Oh well, Kayla wasn’t their best friend. JC was saved from answering by Bobbie who had just shown up.

“Hey baby,” JC said before kissing her. His bandmates watched Kayla visibly stiffen and her eyes narrow in anger. They knew all about Kayla’s feelings for JC and they knew that JC couldn’t stand Kayla anymore. His bandmates liked her well enough; they didn’t see why she annoyed him.

“Umm, Josh. Can I talk to you?” Kayla asked nervously. He nodded to Bobbie and she joined his bandmates. He sighed inwardly and walked over to her.

“Yeah, Kayla?” He asked, annoyance evident in his voice. Kayla stiffened slightly at his tone.

“Why don’t you ever talk to me anymore? Like we used to?” JC sighed. “You hardly ever call me and when you do, you just… don’t listen to a word I say. You talk and talk and talk for about ten minutes and I don’t get a word in edgewise and then you hang up. And when I come to see you, you act like you don’t want to see me and I never get to talk to you because you’re always with Bobbie.” Kayla’s _expression softened, and her voice dropped so low JC had to strain to hear her. “I miss you Josh. I miss my best friend. We used to be so close. What happened?” JC sighed again in a different way. He looked at Kayla. She had gotten thinner since the last time he saw her. Her hair was becoming darker and her eyes weren’t as bright as he remembered. There were bags under her eyes and her skin was paler than usual. He looked at her his face full of concern.

“I don’t know why we don’t talk as much. I’m just so busy. I have the band and I have my family and I have Bobbie. I just don’t have much time for friends.” Kayla shook her head.

“I talked to a couple of our old pals, Josh. They said they talked to you twice last week for more than an hour. The last time you and I talked was two months ago and it was for five minutes. What the hell, Josh? You talk more to complete strangers than you talk to me!” Kayla raised her voice slightly, getting upset. She could feel the tears burning the back of her eyes. “I just want us to talk. I want us to be friends again. I find myself wishing Bobbie wasn’t around so I can talk to you without hearing her name every damned second! You can’t even do that!” She felt tears spill on her face. “I don’t want us to give up.”

JC ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know what to say Kayla. I don’t think we have a choice.” He glanced at her. She was shaking her head. He almost didn’t hear the words she spoke next.

“But I’m in love with you.”

Silence. The other guys and Bobbie were too far away to hear. JC stared at her incredulously.

“What?” He asked softly, hoping he misunderstood. She looked up at him with fear in her dark blue eyes.

“I, I’m in love with you,” she said louder with tears in her voice. He froze. He looked at her and something flashed in his eyes and Kayla looked at the blacktop of the parking lot. JC would never understand why he uttered those three words that would destroy everything.

“I hate you.”

*******************NOW********************

I remember so clearly, Josh, what happened next. It was like someone had pushed the mute button on my life. I could hear a dull roaring sound, but if you said anything after that, I didn’t hear you. I remember feeling like we were the only two people on earth. Time froze. I remember the tears that fell from my eyes. I remember trying to breath. It would have been a lot less painful if you had just punched me. Josh, I will never understand why you said that. I know you walked away as I crumbled to the ground, sobbing. You walked away without looking back and you walked over to Bobbie and kissed her. On the mouth. I will never forgive you for that, Josh, but I will always love you. I hope that you’re fucking happy that I died that day. I was so broken. And no one cared.

I just want you to know that while I’m rotting in Hell I loved you with every ounce of my being. I know you’ve never felt anything like that before. I know that when I’m gone, you’ll love me and that will be your curse. Your world will be Hell; just like mine was from the day you said it. I can’t live without you, because you are my life. I hope you’re happy with Bobbie. Really I do. Because I love you and I’d hate for you to be alone like I am. Even when we talked I was always alone. I can’t do this anymore Josh! I can’t. You haven’t even tried to find out how I am or how I’m holding up, because you don’t give a fuck. Don’t worry, you won’t have to even bother caring when you get this letter. Don’t feel guilty, Josh, cause that would mean that you actually cared. And that’s too damn much for you. I wish you could know how broken I am. You don’t know how it feels. The emptiness, the nothingness I feel.. The numbness you get from this horrible pain that just WON’T GO AWAY! You don’ know how it feels to have a broken heart, a broken soul. I’m finished. It’s too late for me Josh. Way too late. You would know that if you were here. But you’re not.

I really will always love you.

Kayla

JC sat on his bed, reading the letter over and over again. Why, why did she do it? Why did he have to say it, those three words he didn’t really mean that would drive her to this kind of madness? He didn’t notice the tears on the paper that had fallen from his eyes. She was right, he thought. I do love her. He laughed bitterly. His bandmates looked up at him worry apparent in each face. JC hadn’t said anything since he got the call. And he holed up in his room for two days after he got the letter in the mail. He was crushed. He drove Bobbie away from him and he was drinking too much and he wasn’t writing, wasn’t singing, wasn’t talking and barely eating.

Kayla had committed suicide the night she wrote the letter. JC had gone to her funeral, numb to all emotion except pain. It was so intense; it was almost a physical pain. He looked out the window to the sunny bright day and wanted to go outside and scream at everything and everyone for being so happy.

He wished for the thousandth time that he had talked to her. That he had tried to apologize. That he had tried to save her. Instead he ignored the guys when they started in on him and he ignored Bobbie until she just gave up one day. Why? The question kept swirling around in his brain. Why? Why? Why? WHY? Why had he pushed her away? Why had he said it? Why had he ruined everything?

Eventually he was left alone. The guys gave up just like Bobbie and left him to his own torment.

“Kayla,” he whispered into the nothingness. “Kayla, please forgive me.” He laid down on his bed and cried. Cried until the tears stopped and he couldn’t cry anymore. He clutched the letter in his hand as he finally closed his eyes.

Kayla was wrong. JC did know how it felt to be broken.

The End

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