Let Go

Stacey Johnson

******NOW*******

“Lainey, It’s time.” Lance put a comforting arm around my shoulder. I nodded my head and stood up, not wanting to go in, but needing to see her. If anything just to let her know. “Lainey, she’ll be okay. Layci’s tough remember?” I wanted to tell Lance how much him being with me was helping me, how much I truly cared, but the words wouldn’t form. I looked into his green eyes and he nodded. He understood. I took a shaky step towards the door to her hospital room. This was it, I had to face facts. My sister was dying…

*******THEN*******

I can remember the first time I met Lance Bass. It was at my sister’s Homecoming dance. I wasn’t supposed to be there but my sister, being the coolest person I knew at the time, persuaded the principal to allow me to go with her. I was fourteen, so it was a very big deal to me. Lance was my sister’s boyfriend. Neither my parents nor me had met him because my sister, LayciLynn, wouldn’t let our weird father scare him away. Layci (as I called her) had shown me his picture in the high school yearbook from the year before. I thought he was hot, and when I told Layci that, she laughed and said he was even hotter in person. She told me that after homecoming, she was hoping to introduce Lance to our parents. I told her I wasn’t sure that Mr. and Mrs. Anderson would like that too much. We had laughed then.

You might ask how a sixteen and a half year old would be so close to her just barely fourteen-year-old sister. Well, Layci wasn’t a normal sixteen and a half year old. She was my best friend, the person who had given me the introductory lesson in Dating 101, and the one person I could always depend on. She was my sister, and I loved her more than anyone, even more than my parents. She never treated me like a child. She always took me with her when she went out with her friends, defending me when her friends complained. She had never made me feel inferior. She always took me places, even the ones I wasn’t supposed to go to.

Which brings me back to Homecoming… We walked into the brightly lit gymnasium, the music blaring from the speaker system. I was in heaven. I couldn’t begin to believe how lucky I was to be there. My sister was not only cool as hell, but popular too, so I was introduced to many of the cliques that I would be exposed to the following year of high school. And then finally I saw him. Lance Bass, my sister’s boyfriend. He was standing in a corner, watching everyone dance and have a good time, a part of it and not a part of it at the same time. I pointed him out to Layci and she smiled and dragged me over to him.

“Lance this is my sister, Lainelle. We call her Lainey for short. Lainey, this is Lance, my boyfriend.” I mumbled a hello, looking at the floor. He smiled and took my hand, kissing the knuckles.

“It’s very nice to meet you Lainey. Layci has said a lot about you.” I looked up into his startling green eyes and smiled. Lance was very polite throughout the evening, never keeping me out of the conversation. He even asked me to dance with him! I was amazed at how effortlessly he glided on the gym floor. I liked how he looked, his deep voice, his impeccable manners; I liked everything about him. Maybe Mississippi won’t be too bad, I thought as my sister and I walked out of the gym.

Maybe I should give you some background info before you get completely lost. My family moved to Mississippi two months before homecoming from a small town outside Mobile, Alabama. My father, Scott Anderson, was a full out businessman who got a promotion and moved his entire family to the middle of nowhere Mississippi. My mother Andrea, who would hang on every word that came out of my father’s mouth, was a homemaker until we moved to our new home. My father’s business went bad and he had to find a new job. My mother got a job at an interior design place where she found out she was very good with that line of work and has a good head for business. Both of them were so immersed in their jobs that we rarely saw them. That was fine with me.

The next time I would meet Lance Bass would be four years later. I was finishing high school. My parents had moved us again a few weeks after school ended the year of the dance. My sister was heartbroken. She and Lance talked as often as possible. I even got close to him; he was like a brother to me. Though I never saw him, we talked on the phone whenever Layci wasn’t talking to him. The day after my graduation I was home alone, packing for college. I heard a knock on the door and went downstairs to open it. To my surprise there was Lance with a bouquet of lilies (my favorite flower) all for me. Over the four years of phone calls, I had become closer to Lance than my sister had and soon he would call to talk to me and not even mention Layci.

“Oh, Lance. You didn’t have to drive all the way up here just to see little ole me.” I gave him a hug and led him into the house. He smiled sheepishly and handed me the flowers. “Thank you,” I said smiling as I gave him a kiss on the cheek. I stood back and gave him a quick look. “Look at you boy, you’re all clean cut and shaved. You look really nice.” He blushed and I giggled.

“Well look at you. Last time I saw you, you were this short skinny eighth-grader with glasses. Now you’re all grown up and filled out and you lost your glasses.” I smiled and reached into my pocket, pulling my glasses out.

“I still have those.” I smiled. “So what are you doing here, boy? It’s a long drive clear down here.” Lance smiled.

“Actually, the college I’m attending is only about two hours away. And I had to come see my girl on the day after her graduation to make sure she didn’t get into any trouble the night before.” I smiled, blushing.

“No…no trouble.” I wanted to tell him that his smile was making me weak in the knees and his deep southern voice would drive me crazy, but I held my tongue. He probably still sees me as a little kid, I thought sadly. Lance looked at me questioningly. I smiled and he grinned back.

“All right, we need to celebrate,” Lance said taking my hand, leading me to the door. I tried to protest.

“But Lance, I need to pack. Seriously I leave tomorrow.” Just as Lance was reaching for the door, it swung open. Layci entered the house with a large package under her arm. She stopped dead in her tracks and stared at Lance. Lance stared back. They didn’t say anything and I was getting uncomfortable. I remembered that Lance still had my hand and I wriggled it free.

“Lance,” my sister breathed. She dropped the box she had and gave him a big hug. “God, I haven’t seen you in forever.” He hugged her back and stood back, looking her over and smiling. I couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous. She did remember she had a boyfriend right? They continued to stare at each other until I cleared my throat.

“Hey Sis, how’s Evan doing?” I asked innocently. Evan Bach was Layci’s boyfriend. She looked at me stupidly for a second, then recognition flashed in her eyes.

“Speaking of Evan, I should call him. Sorry if I interrupted your plans, Lance.” She fished her cell out of her purse. Lance smiled.

“Actually Lainey and I were just going to celebrate her graduation. Maybe you’d like to come?” Layci looked at him and then looked at me. I looked back, hoping somehow she’d say no. She didn’t. But she was bringing Evan along. I guess that was a plus. While she was on the phone with him, Lance and I waited and talked.

“You know, you look a lot like your sister,” he said quietly. I thought about her beautiful auburn hair and baby blue eyes and my regular brown curls and plain hazel eyes. There was no comparison. I shook my head.

“I do not.” Lance looked at me for a moment before turning. My sister had gotten off of the phone and walked over to me. She picked up the package she had dropped and smiled at me.

“I almost forgot to give you this. It’s for the Grad Dance tomorrow night, you know. It’s a dress. Open it.” I sat down on our couch and opened the box. A beautiful emerald green evening gown lay inside. I audibly gasped and touched it gently. It was as smooth and light as silk.

“Oh my God, Layci. I can’t believe you got me the most gorgeous dress I have ever seen! Where did you get the money?” I asked staring at her in disbelief. She laughed and shook her head.

“You don’t need to know that, silly. Go try it on. I wan to see how you look.” Unbeknownst to Layci, or me, she wasn’t the only one who wanted to see how I looked. I blushed and went to change. I came out five minutes later, horribly embarrassed because I thought I would look horrible. I looked at Layci, Lance, and now Evan (he’d shown up a minute before), and tried my best to smile. Layci gasped, Evan smiled widely, and Lance’s jaw dropped.

“Do I really look that bad?” I asked, blushing furiously. Layci looked at me shocked.

“Oh sweetie, you look beautiful. The color brings out your eyes and the natural highlights in your hair, you look wonderful.” I smiled meekly at her and then looked at Lance. He had recovered from his initial shock and was staring openly.

“Well,” I asked him, doing a pirouette. “How do I look?” He smiled.

“Beautiful,” he answered. I smiled back at him, my heart beating furiously.

“I’m going to go change and save this for tonight.” I turned and left the room. Once I was in the bathroom, I sighed. Why was Lance staring at me like that? Do I want to know?

We went out for dinner and had a wonderful time. Layci and Lance caught up and we talked and laughed and Layci and Evan embarrassed me with terrible stories of my high school years. When we got back, Lance held me at the door, saying he wanted to talk. Evan had gone home and Layci had gone to talk to Mom and Dad, so we were alone on the porch.

I sat on the porch swing and Lance sat next to me. We sat in silence until I couldn’t bear it anymore.

“So…” I said. Lance looked at me and smiled. I returned it, feeling slightly uncomfortable.

“Are you going to the Grad Dance?” I looked at him strangely. He seemed nervous. I nodded.

“With that killer dress Layci got me, hell yeah. I’ll look better than I did at prom.” I studied him some more in the light from the window. I added impulsively, “If I can find a date.” Lance nodded and looked at his hands. Why is he being so nervous, I wondered.

“I’ll take you,” He said softly. I was shocked.

“Really?” I asked, trying not to sound too eager. Lance looked at me and nodded again. Then he smiled.

“That’s if you don’t mind an taking an old man.” I pushed him playfully.

“You aren’t old,” I said, my tone teasing. “Just a little over the hill.” Lance and I laughed. Then he flashed his gorgeous smile at me.

“So, I’ll pick you up tomorrow at eight?” I nodded. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. “Good. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I nodded dumbly and he walked to his car. He waved to me before he drove off. I sat in shock for the better part of an hour. I probably would have stayed there all night if Layci hadn’t come to get me. We sat up in my room and I gushed the story in one breath and she listened intently. She promised to help me with my make up and my hair.

The next night at eight I was nervously fidgeting upstairs as we waited for Lance. He showed up right on time and my dad answered the door. They talked for a few minutes, and then Layci motioned to me to go downstairs. I nervously walked in three-inch heels down a flight of carpeted stairs (miraculously not falling flat on my face). I smiled at Lance, who’s jaw had dropped. Layci beamed as Lance took my hand and we walked out the door. I looked at her and gave her my silent thank you with my eyes.

That night was one of the best nights of my life. I would often remember that night in the years to come. We danced, we talked and Lance asked me to be his girlfriend. We went to the same college and after my freshman year, we moved into an apartment together. Layci married Evan two years into their relationship and they had a little boy nine months later. Caleb’s birth had been rough and Layci hadn’t fully recovered eight months later. Late one night in February, Evan took Layci to the emergency room and left Caleb with Lance and I.

That was one of the worst nights of my life. It still haunts me today. That night my sister found out that she had a tumor in her brain and that it was inoperable. That night, the doctors told her she was going to die.

Layci was receiving every kind of treatment available to try to keep her alive, but each new treatment was making her weaker and weaker. In September of the same year, they stopped every treatment. Evan told me that Layci had accepted that she was going to die and she wanted to do it peacefully, without any treatments. Miraculously, she got stronger. The tumor shrank and she was almost the same Layci I had known and loved for her energy and vitality. On Christmas, the night Lance finally purposed to me, Layci had laughed and smiled and was as beautifully as ever. She was just so thin, so pale…

The next year, almost one year ago, in March, Lance and I got married in a quiet ceremony on the beaches of Florida. Layci was my Matron of Honor. Everything was beautiful, but I noticed that Layci was weaker; she’d had to sit on a chair during the ceremony.

Six months later, Layci was back in the hospital. The tumor had grown. Doctors predicted she wouldn’t last the rest of the month. They sent her home. Layci yet again pulled a miracle from her sleeve and grew stronger and fought the tumor. Three months after that, Lance and I had our first child, a little girl we named Lynn. Layci was every bit the aunt, spoiling Lynn too much. I thought she was going to beat the tumor, I thought maybe she would survive. They were childish thoughts.

Layci and I were sitting in my garden at Lance’s and my house playing watching Caleb play in the sandbox Lance had built for him eight months after I had Lynn. I had Lynn in my lap and she was making faces at Layci, who was making them right back. Suddenly Layci said she felt dizzy and when she stood up to go into the house, she collapsed. We rushed her to the hospital one final time. This brings my tale to yesterday, when the doctors’ predictions finally came true.

********YESTERDAY AFTERNOON*********

“Mrs, Bass, Mr. Bass, Mr. Bach,” the doctor said when he came into the waiting room. We looked up at him expectantly. My parents were there. We had left Caleb and Lynn with a friend of ours. It was a few hours after Layci had gotten to the hospital. The doctor continued. “Mrs. Bach is dying.” I flinched. I heard my mother gasp and Evan was shaking his head. “There’s nothing we can do but make her more comfortable. She was conscious for a moment and she kept asking to talk to Lainey before we took her off of life support. We will need Mr. Bach to sign an order not to resuscitate.” Evan nodded wordlessly. My mother’s sobs filled the room and my father held her close. Evan had tears running down his cheeks, his mouth forming a silent protest over and over again: no, no, no, no, no, no. Lance’s eyes were the deepest green I’d ever seen them. I had no tears. I was too shocked for words, too shocked for tears. I felt no emotion. It wasn’t until later that night in our bed did I cling to Lance and sob and cry and protest until I had no more tears. Evan had called and said that they’d taken her off of the life support and she was breathing on her own, for now. The doctors weren’t expecting her to last the night. The next morning my sister would die.

**********NOW***********

“Lainey, it’s time.” Lance put a comforting arm around my shoulder. I nodded my head and stood up, not wanting to go in, but needing to see her. If anything just to let her know. “Lainey, she’ll be okay. Layci’s tough remember?” I wanted to tell Lance how much him being with me was helping me, how much I truly cared, but the words wouldn’t form. I looked into his green eyes and he nodded. He understood. I took a shaky step towards the door to her hospital room. This was it. I had to face facts. My sister was dying…

I walked into the room and sat down next to her bed. I looked at her pale, seemingly lifeless body and shook my head. I can’t do this, I thought. I bit my lip as the tears came again.

“Layci, honey, can you hear me?” I whispered to her. I put her hand on mine. “I love you sis, you know that. I’ve always looked up to you; you were my best friend since forever. I always thought we’d grow up together and die together, you know. I guess, I guess we can’t do that.” I laughed. “I’ll take care of Evan and Caleb for you. Hey, guess what? I’m going to have another baby. Aren’t you proud? God, Layci, this is so hard. I have no clue how hard it was for Evan to talk to you earlier. I don’t want to let you go. I can’t. You’ve always been there you know? Through everything I’ve ever done. You, you…” I trailed off, looking at the floor, unable to speak. I felt her fingers curl around mine. “Layci?” I looked up and she was smiling in her sleep. “Damn it Layci. I can’t let you go. I love you too much. I love you more than I love Lance. Don’t make me do this.” I was silent for a moment as I stared at the bed. I closed my eyes and I heard her speak to me.

“You have to Lainey. I love you so much too. But I have to go. Don’t cry, please. I have to. You have to let go” I opened my eyes and stared at Layci’s sleeping form. I nodded finally, the tears streaking down my face, accepting the inevitable.

“I love you Layci. I always will. Look down on us from Heaven from time to time. I’ll miss you so much. I’ll see you again, you can count on it.” I thought I heard her sigh and then, the heart monitor went flat line. I was still holding her hand when the doctor came in and unplugged the machine. Lance came into the room and I let go. I turned to him and ran into his arms. I cried into his shoulder. I told him what she said.

“She told me to let go,” I said. “I probably imagined her voice though, cause she never woke up.” Lance smiled sadly and shook his head.

“No, Lainey, I think she really did speak to you. She really did ask you to let go.” I nodded and we walked into the hallway and I hugged my parents and Evan.

The funeral was set for Saturday, two days after she died. I was to write a eulogy for her. I ended up writing a poem. I walked to the front of the church and laid a hand briefly on her cheek. I walked to the podium and cleared my throat. I started the poem and let the words flow over me. When I was finished, there was barely a dry eye. I smiled sadly, knowing that somewhere Layci was smiling down on me.

The End

Let Go

So hard it was, I had to try,

Even though, we never said goodbye.

I’ll miss you, you know that so,

The only thing left for me is to let go.

Through the years, the sun, the snow,

All the years I’ll ever know.

You will forever in my heart stay.

Till the end of my dying day.

We’ll meet again, that’s so true.

You’ll see me and I’ll see you.

We’ll get together, our boys will fish,

For now that will be my fondest wish,

Now the time has finally come,

The memories will always live on.

I love you, I love you so.

But now it’s time, for me, to let go.

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