Email Gem (the author) at drewmccon@email.msn.com. Thanks.

Is the winter time really over,
or does the soft snow mirror your eyes?
When I say 'don't hurry me over',
It's because I'm drifting to the edge of time. - (c) 1998 'Autograph'. Bernard Butler

I have always believed that my life was perfect, that word seemed to define everything about what I did; my music meant the world to me, nothing else could be as important as the beautiful rhythms which had injected my soul with joy. That is until I met Kalli James. There was something about the way in which she held herself that drew me to her, an ever-present dignity which, despite the complexity and misery of her life would not, for one minute, waver.

I'm not sure at what point I became so mixed up in her anguish that I could not forget the sorrow of those beautiful blue eyes; maybe it was from our very first word. I suppose it doesn't matter now, its over, we can't turn back time.

I'll always remember her soft words, they echo in my mind throughout the day and play in my dreams at night. Her tortured countenance pleading, grasping my soul; it hasn't yet let go.

"Why did this happen to me?"

I promised I'd protect her; how could I have known? She was beyond help, beyond care and protection. Her life was slowly diminishing, each event only a step towards her destruction. I cannot remember one time when she was truly happy. Maybe it was wrong to love her, maybe it wasn't right to give her that extra burden but I can't help my emotions; I disguised it for a year. Through everything I never told her how I felt, how could I have known I would be the cause of her demise?

I guess I should start from the beginning. Danny, I still shudder at the name, left us behind the hotel from which we were abducted, left us there to die; thankfully we were found before any serious damage was caused. I lost a lot of blood and Kalli suffered from a severe concussion for a while but otherwise we lived- if that's what you can call it. It seems from the moment of our abduction life was worthless, I cannot proceed through a day without remembering his steely eyes or his harsh, evil words; I can't forget that time.

I think that experience brought Kalli and I closer together in so many ways- mentally we were on the same level, we had survived such an experience and we had done it together. But, part of both of us was left in that dreadful room, devoid of compassion Danny stole our souls.

To make life worse Kalli was informed of her mothers death, the day after we were found. I have never understood her reaction to this, I had expected tears, an even deeper sense of sorrow, it didn't come. Once she told me how she felt about it, her voice seemed so deprived of emotion, she just didn't seem to care.

"My life hasn't changed Taylor. It hasn't made my life any better or any worse..." her eyes had been so hollow, so empty "I envy her, I wish I could join her wherever she is. Anything to get away from this." She didn't look at me, her eyes had only stared at the sky above. I understand now what she means.

Her father had been taken into prison for murder and she was left alone in the world. It was then I knew she had to come with me, come to my home but apparently it wasn't allowed. She was sent to live with some relatives who she didn't know, I never met them. She wrote to me, told me how miserable she was. My heart ached for her, she was on my mind every minute of every day. The only thing that I could comprehend was the fact that we were hundreds of miles apart and I couldn't keep my promise. I needed to be near her, to help her, to try and bring her life out of the hell which she was in.

I insisted on finishing the tour; that way I could see her, at least, see is she was okay, ease my worries. Everybody thought I was insane, maybe I was but the only thing on my mind at the time was seeing her, I didn't care, the music had become secondary, my girlfriend Rebecca faded into the background, my brothers were my only support- but they weren't enough. I needed her as much as I knew she needed me, she was the only person who could ever understand how I feel inside, how empty my life has become, how acute my emotions are. I needed her support and I needed to give her the protection I had promised.

So after days of pleading my case, somehow without mentioning my real need, I managed to persuade the 'people' to carry on the tour. I promised to rest afterwards, to take some time off which, as I agreed, I definitely needed. It was announced, not long after that the tour would commence in a month from then and all tickets would be honoured.

It tired me out, I didn't have the energy but, I continued until I reached her home town. That's when I admitted to myself that I was nowhere near strong enough to carry on. All dates pending were cancelled and an official press release went out apologising to all the fans. Still, I wasn't bothered because I had made it to her; I believe fate helped me, otherwise I could not have been so lucky.

I arrived at Kalli's home to find her standing outside staring at the front of the house, a large backpack on the floor beside her. After a moment she heaved it up and turned to walk away; that's when she saw me. The emotion of that reunion was overwhelming, it seemed an eternity before either of us said anything, we only stared, acknowledging the fact that we were both there, together. It seemed impossible, an immense well of joy mixed with an intense sorrow flew over my whole being and I immediately threw my arms around her.

She was running away, she told me. She hated the people who had taken her in and they equally hated her, or so she said. I took her back to our hotel and spoke to my parents. I think they saw that special bond which we have, I knew they had been so concerned about me and it was only then that they seemed to see the old Taylor appearing; I think that's the only reason they agreed to let her come and live with us. It was a hard decision for them, they knew of her past and they had drawn that stereotypical conclusion which lead to them being scared that she would corrupt their children; they were scared of her, it was a plain and simple fact. Yet, they saw the way she made me feel, the load which I had been carrying seemed to lift slightly when I was with her and they knew this. I love them for it, their compassion beat their fear and they took in a now homeless girl. The paperwork was a struggle but somehow we came through it and she was allowed to come home with us, we were her new foster family.

Everything, I suppose, seemed to be going fine. My mother eventually grew to love Kalli for the person she was and she got on well with all my siblings, but Zac, To this day I don't know why. She went to counselling for her drug addiction and beat it and she started school again- well, homeschooling with us.

Life seemed good, superficially. But the damage had been done, both Kalli and I had been scarred for life. Hers of course ran deeper than mine but I could feel her pain and sorrow. She understood everything I was thinking, feeling, doing... she knew how I lived and how I needed to be treated. Our love grew by the day; which was another problem- Rebecca didn't like her either. She could sense the bond between us almost as if it were visible, a rope attached to both our souls; back in that room.

My existence turned sour at the news that, about three months after she moved in with us, Kalli was seeing my brother Isaac. It seems that him and Kalli had been spending a lot of time together and had just, in his words 'hit it off'. It was so hard, I couldn't bear to be in the same room as them and as their relationship grew more intense so did my anger towards my brother. I loved him of course, that was unconditional, but I grew to loath him. I knew he was, in some way making Kalli happy but I couldn't accept that the person who was doing that wasn't me. I knew Kalli loved me, we didn't have to say it- that was something that would finalise the fact- it was just there, we knew it, it was an endless feeling which was too strong to be confined to the human view of love. It transcended all description.

This went on for about five months. It seemed that the moment I reached boiling point they called it off. I heard from both of them that it was a mutual decision, I don't believe it but I accepted it, I just let it be. I was ecstatic, in a way I can not describe. It seems that happiness for me now cannot me classed as it had before, it always has this savage undertone of bitterness and hate which I can not dispel.

Life carried on as usual, but I could tell Kalli was getting worse, she was falling into a depression which I knew I eventually wouldn't be able to help her out of. It started one day, she had just come back from her doctors appointment- something that they have to perform with all rape victims- and she was sat solemnly at the dining room table. Isaac had gone in to speak to her and it just seemed like something inside of her snapped, she started screaming at him. She called him Danny.

I was so scared, and so was she. Once she realised what she was doing she ran out of the house at such a speed I could not keep up, it didn't matter, I knew where she was going. I reached the fountain which had become our spot and found her crying into it. She hadn't cried since that night, the one where Danny had taken the only faint thread of innocence she had left. She spoke to me, calmly, she told me something she had never told anyone. She told me how her father used to visit her at night and force her to have sex with him, how he made her pregnant, how she had an abortion, how she had slept with a stranger just so her father would stop... My heart broke as I watched her, as I listened to her story. Her life was so sad, so miserable, I found it hard to empathise with her situation. I could only hold her and tell her it would be okay... I knew it was a lie, I knew nothing could be okay for either of us ever again.

The next month was the court case. The world found out about Kalli's rape, Danny changed his plea from innocent to guilty and the court case didn't happen. Everyone treated Kalli differently after that, she was a fragile doll to be held with care. She was no longer a human being; that was the final step.

I found Kalli one day packing her backpack, she was going to run away from us, to a place where nobody knew who she was and she could live in peace with herself, in her misery. I couldn't let her go, if she left me I couldn't protect her, I couldn't love her, she'd take away part of my soul and I would perish without her- she knew how intense our relationship was but this she didn't know. She couldn't understand how I would be affected by her leaving.

It was this day when I told her I loved her, when I sealed that profound emotion which had occupied our existence. It was then that we shared our first and only kiss.

Kalli committed suicide the next day.

She left a note which said 'I can't do this to you, I can't give you my misery I can't burden you with my life any more. I love you enough to set you free.' The coroner informed us that she was pregnant, the father was Isaac.

Even if the fantasy of a heaven is lost I welcome oblivion to claim me and place ease on my troubled heart.