Dear Friends
...my purpose in writing this
testimony is to reveal the cost of living a life
without faith...without grace.
My Lord released me to
my immoral life when I fell away in 1987. In His
mercy He restored me 10 years later. My Lord is Holy
and He is just. 1Cor6.5
hand this man over to Satan,so
that his sinful nature may be destroyed and his
spirit saved on the day of the Lord
In
writing this testimony..I realize it is very blunt and powerful.
Some may find my graphic testimony too much to take...yet,this is
all true. The Truth shall set you free...Hiding from mistakes only
opens yourself to satanic manipulation...besides..the Lord KNOWS
already!God Bless you All! I had backslidden for 10 years,up
till Feb.18,1997 at 5:00pm my life was without hope. Suicide,just
the idea of it,was my greatest sense of peace. I thought..."if it
gets too bad, I can always down a lethal dose of sleeping pills,or
blow my brains out with a gun". Alcohol had grown in importance...it
was controlling me. My life was revolving around getting my next
six-pack,so that I could get drunk,and have at least 8 hrs off
before driving a bus for a major interstate transportation company.
I would start thinking about my next opportunity for alcohol while
driving my passengers to their destinations. You could say I was an
alcoholic. I was a slave to pornography and sexual sins of all
types. I have had a computer for about 9 months..and I "surf" the
net just about every day. Before Feb. 18,1997...my urgent need was
to immerse myself with the most disgusting pornography available
"online". Before my computer, I was a late night regular at
supermarkets and XXX porno stores.I was at the market to get my beer
and at the XXX sex shop to relieve myself sexually in the private
viewing rooms. The worst part of this whole sex scene for me
was..that I was attracted and turned on by men...homosexual sex in
all its variations. Lesbianism was also a huge turn-on. Yet, my
darkest secret and passion was for gay sex. I absolutley hated
myself,I was in agony over my sin. As I said previously, I was
backslidden for about 10 years. I was a christian. I accepted the
truth of Jesus Christ during a Jimmy Swaggart tv program,in Nov. of
1985. I soon went to and became a member of a bible believing
Baptist church in San Diego,CA. I was in the Navy at this
time,halfway through a two year shore duty tour at Naval Ocean
Systems Center located on Point Loma,CA. My life was the best it had
ever been,I had new friends that loved Jesus Christ with all of
their hearts. I spent most of my time with them,bible studies, care
groups,...outreach to poor mexican churches,youth group evangelism.
I confessed Christ at work. All my co-workers thought I was a
born-again nut! Yet after a while,many of them came to me in secret
to discuss spiritual things. They thought I was strange,yet they
respected me. I detested alcohol at this time..my Dad is a
recovering alcoholic..I learned to hate it at a very early age.
Having said all of this, my faith in the transforming power of God
was very weak . Much of how I lived was very legalistic,grace was
hard for me to comprehend. I was afraid to trust God with every dark
corner of my life...HE WAS WAITING FOR ME TO TRUST HIM..yet I did
not.
Masturbation has been an unbreakable habit for me since age
15yrs...I COULD not stop on my own,no matter how hard I tried.
Homosexual fantasies were just starting to crop up(from seemingly
nowhere). Pornography was an attraction...yet I did not yet
accumulate magazines etc.. My whole world was rocked when I was
transferred to a warship...USS Fletcher DD-992. My easy life was
over...my connection to church was severed. I told people from the
beginning on my ship that I was a christian,and I was respected as
righteous odd-ball:0). I was under intense pressure. I felt
alone. God seemed far away... Masturbation became an every day
thing. Where our division held an "at sea" watchstation,a whole
file-cabinet drawer was devoted to the worst pornography
imaginable..Late at night when I was on watch and all were
asleep...I started looking at them..Reading the bible stopped, as
well as my quiet times with God...drinking beers with my co-workers
began. They enjoyed getting me drunk, people want to see you fall
from God...they are convicted by people living in a holy way. You
are uncomfortable to them..and now I was becoming just like them.
My conscience was tearing me apart. I confessed my sins with my
lips,yet not with my heart.I was not sincere with God.You can't
serve two masters.(Matt 6.24)...so I feel away hard. My sailor
friends loved it. I was swearing like them..drinking like
them..going to topless bars like them. I am shamed to admit that we
picked up prostitutes in Tijuana and Ensenada. In a drunken state..I
even snorted tequila off a dirty bar top. I laughed easily,often,and
loud...and I felt dead inside.
My job as an electronic
technician(ET) was very demanding aboard ship and my personal life
with God did not exist. I thought about suicide as an option to my
problems. We couldn't bring personal firearms onboard,so I bought an
expensive german-made pocket knife that I used to fantasize cutting
my wrists with. I even engraved my name on its blade..a blade meant
for me.When the pressure became unbearable...I went to our ships
Hospital Corpman to admit that I wanted to die...I had a nervous
breakdown.I considered God not at all. I believed He could not help
me,I felt that I had commited the unpardonable sin. That
I,being a christian,had Blasphemed against the Holy Spirit.I felt
damned.
I went to biofeedback classes,group therapy...none of it
really helped,except it got me away from the ship. I associated the
ship and the Navy with all of my problems, I hated them both. My Dad
has diabetes and became medically retired at 48yrs...this was my
"out" from the Navy. I recieved a Hardship discharge on August
15,1988, and I went back home to live with my parents in
Sacramento,CA. I worked as a hotel night auditor/desk clerk while
going to college. It was at this hotel at 2:00am that another man
"hit" on me...the first time ANYONE has hit on me male or female. I
was terrified and excited at the same time. I acted stupid to what
he was doing,until he wearied of it and said "You stupid Americans
don't know what you want",and he left. He was a Canadian businessman
checking out that day. My shift was over at 6:00am and I remembered
his room number,so after a couple of hours I decided what I wanted.
I wanted sex...with him. I called his room at the hotel,and the
phone rung forever...he had checked out...THANK GOD!!!
I had
discovered phone sex at this time...I had it with both men and
women. Yet the normal fantasies with women were not working as well
or as powerfully as my homosexual fantasies.. I believe that like
drugs..sexual stimulation provided by pornography needs to be ever
increasingly decadent to provide the same sexual result.At least it
was true for me.My masturbation addiction was OUT OF CONTROL!I was a
total slave to it.
My parents in the meantime could no longer
afford the house anymore and I had quit college,so we moved to
Oregon in Nov.1989. I went to truck driving school in hopes that I
could radically change my fortunes. I liked driving the big
rigs...yet the nomadic life of a long haul truck driver was NOT for
me. A strike by my current employer allowed me to "scab" a permanent
job in July of 1990. I sort of regret my decision to do this,yet, I
feel the Lord meant for me to be here after all!I loved driving
buses..I was GOOD at it!My self-respect and self-worth were
dependent on my job. My first year I tripled my previous years
income. I worked for months at a time without an official day off.
My parents,as it turned out, could not afford the new house as
well..so I became a part owner in it. I have driven over much of the
west coast and I even drove the eastern routes based in New York
City,NY.I worked all the time because I had no time to
myself.Meaning,I was running from the horrible reality of my life. I
began checking out the locations and services of Gay Bathhouses in
my town.However,I still lived with my parents. If my parents had
found out about my homosexual feelings...I would have commited
suicide..That is a stone cold fact. They would have disowned me as
their son, I could not have bourne the exposure of my sin. Therefore
I was so careful and secretive as though my life depended on
it..because it really did. I could not go out at night without
arousing the curiosity of Mom and Dad...They would have questioned
me about it.I am not a good liar, and have never been. (except to
myself...I have learned that VERY well!)There is a bible verse that
says the only reason for a son to leave his parents home is to
cleave to his wife.I have become a big believer in this truth. I was
protected by this truth and because it,I never entered the
homosexual lifestyle for real..only fantasy.
So even though I wasn't
following the Lord in any way,HE was watching out for me. There were
extremely low points in my life where I cried out to God when I
heard the Word of God preached on radio and television. I repented 3
or 4 times in my 10 years in the wilderness,yet, I never submitted
myself to other believers. I tried to do it on my own,and then I
would be snared by my sexual addictions and I would fall again. With
each falling episode..my condition was worse than before..addictions
had a greater hold on me,all of them DID! I bought a 40 caliber
semi-auto handgun at one point. The clip held 14 rounds with one
more bullet in the chamber. I would sit in my room drinking Jack
Daniels while placing my gun to my temple,wishing I had the guts to
pull the trigger. It used to give me a thrill to do this...just by
gently squeezing the trigger,all my problems and struggles and pain
would be over. Or would they? The reality was, that I was not ready
to face the ONE true and HOLY God. This was not all that long ago
for me..less than a year ago.
I mentioned before, that I was
into the worst pornography imaginable on the internet. Over my short
life(33yrs) my mind has been scarred by all the pornographic filth I
have taken in over the years. I was in such misery when on a whim,I
did a subject search on christianity and prayers. I found a web site
called www.bibleclass.com and I cried out to God. I said "You
christians that love God, pray for me.I used to be a
christian....yet I am ashamed to identify myself with the Lord. I
deserve nothing but death...have mercy on me." I entered this prayer
on Feb. 16,1997 at 11:40pm(PST)
This Prayer changed
my life. I had brothers and sisters from all over the world
writing to me, praying for me. Two women of God in particular
reached into my darkness and loved me as Jesus would. My dear
friends Rhonda in Oklahoma and my dear sister in Singapore named
Cindy. I love you both so much. I recommited my life in the quiet of
my own room,in front of a computer terminal on Feb.18,1997...this
time it was for real. I was encouraged by Rhonda to make myself
accountable to a non-denominational, bible believeing church...The
Baptist church I went to is bible believing..sorry Rhonda..I am too
much of a hard headed Baptist!:0).. I recommited my life publically
in church and became a member. The very first day I returned to
God...my desire for alcohol left me. I dumped a fresh bottle of Jack
Daniels down the sink!My Pornography collection was destroyed...I
threw out all my worldly music...ZZ Top,The Doors,The Who,and Pink
Floyd... all gone! I had new friends in my church..and of course
my beloved brothers and sisters on the internet,that were helping
me.
However, my OLD problems of Masturbation and Homosexual urges
would NOT go away!I felt separated from God by each masturbation
episode, my fantasies were STRONGLY homosexual in nature. In my old
legalistic way trying to count days of not doing it gave me
satisfaction in myself and my own efforts. Then my body WOULD go
crazy after 1 week,until I would fail again. the homosexual urges
were so strong and the exposure of it so terrifying...I felt that
maybe I was damned after all.... I might have commited suicide
just weeks ago if I was found out. Again,under the call name
"ASHAMED" I went to my favorite Christian chat group on the
"net"...It has become the place that everyone knows my name
"LEROY"..except this night. I was so convicted of my sins...my ways
of dealing with homosexuality and masturbation were not working, and
never HAD worked.I needed help.anonymously. No one condemned me on
this occasion,in fact, God put a Pastor named Mike on line with me!!
Isn't GOD GREAT!!!!!!!Mike was delivered from homosexuality 1 year
before..and was now counselling others on how to be freed from this
PRISON! He was very forward and blunt with me...He made me ADMIT(the
first time ever)that I LOVED homosexuality...that I was powerless to
it. Then he went on to describe certain homosexual acts..and He made
me admit that I loved and was powerless to those also. Then he gave
me the Key to open my prison door!!!!!!!He told me to pray in the
MOST graphic way possible to God...admitting my love and my
helplessness to homosexuality and masturbation and anything else
that bound me. Go to God in your weakness and helplessness and He
will free the captive..Go to him in faith...and He will heal you. My
Lord ..my precious Lord..YOU HEALED
ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY GOD
SET ME FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He took away my
overwhelming desires...by grace...by His mercy,who COMPARES to our
GOD!!!BY grace...by grace...My tears are flowing, they are pure and
a blessing to me:0)My God hast made me clean...in his good
pleasure... My friend Rhonda gave me a general deliverance prayer
that is HOLY SPIRIT inspired..I still pray it often...I have a
certain prayer warrior that has her reward in heaven,she shall go
nameless...You know who you are my dear friend,I love you dearly.
MANY prayed for me and my deliverance...the prayers of the
saints...precious to God and to me. By grace I am healed and not of
my own efforts..am I healed of homosexual urges and my addiction to
masturbation..I am tempted every once in a while,however,I just run
to my Lord and the temptations (and the devil) FLEE!!!!:0)!!!!!!
One downer to my testimony is the reaction by one christian man to
my problems..This man condemned me..He could not believe that I
could really be a christian and be afflicted with this
"abomination".. He was the symbol of my terror of revealing my
problems to the CHURCH.. I was afraid of condemnation...and this man
partially justified my fears. Yet,as a testimony to my
deliverance,God has released me from my terror and is allowing me to
speak of HIS works..This christian would have stoned me if the
practice(and the LAW) was still in effect. As you go away from my
testament dear reader...ask yourself..would you stone me,or love
me?
Shalom my friends.
As my LORD told me personally... John
8.11 ...neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more. 1 John
3.20 For if our heart condemn us,God is greater than our
heart,and knoweth all things...
Leroy L. Denson......5-22-97
You can e-mail Leroy at redekerl@esuvm.emporia.edu