The Legend of Billy Joe Bob Strife
Authors Note: The world of Final Fantasy 7, and all characters from that game are
copyright Squaresoft. However, Billy Joe Bob Strife is strictly my own creation.
I hope you enjoy this story, and if I get the proper (mutant) inspiration, you may well see
more adventures of Clouds inbred idiot redneck cousin.
Chapter I: Introducing Billy Joe Bob
Milos Jovasir, the Mayor of the small village of Lanskrat looked at the note in his hand.
All that was on it were the simple words "Strife is coming". He couldn't help but fall down
on his knees and be thankful that finally the great Strife had heard of their need. Times
had been so bad in town lately, with the menance that threatened the town, but now,
finally, there was a glimmer of hope.
While he sat there and thought about all of these things, his Secretary stuck her head
into his office and said with a look of utter distaste "Mr Mayor, there is a Mr Strife here to
see you".
"Yes! Yes! send him in!" the mayor quickly answered. However, even before his guest
got into the doorway, Milos could understand why his secretary had such a look of disgust.
"What is that awful smell" he wondered. Then, before he even finished his question in his
head, it was answered. A Man walked in, and the Mayor could only stare at him in shock.
He certainly wasn't the great hero Cloud Strife that had saved the world from Meteor. He
looked sort of like Cloud Strife, but only sort of. He was about Cloud's height, but his
blond hair was greasy. It came out of the back of a greasy cap that was pulled down in
front of his eyes . He wore a surplus Shinra Army suit, that was covered in stains and
patches in about equal proportions. He had a small rifle slung over his shoulder, a shotgun
slung across his back. He had a packet that smelled something like live bait hanging on his
belt, although you could hardly see the belt through his overhanging stomach.
"Wh..wh...who are you?" the mayor stammered.
"Me, I'm Billy Joe Bob Strife yer honner! I heered that ya needed somebody ta take
keer of some varmint that was a-buggin the town!"
The Mayor just stood there in shock for a moment before gathering his wits and finally
saying "Well, um, Mr Strife. We surely do have a problem here, but we had requested
help from Cloud Strife in dealing with this menance."
"Yep! I know that, ya see, Cloud Strife and me is kin. His Daddy's big bro is my
grandpappy, and his Daddy's other bro is my daddy" Billy Joe explained.
The Mayor quickly tried to figure that out...and grew pasty white as he realized...."tha
tha that would mean that your father married his niece????"
"Yep! Yuh ain't as stoopid as ya look yer honner! Now, when your letter got ta Cloud
Strife, he wuz in a bad way. We had all gots together ta celebrate our big family hero. But
all he could do wuz sit in a corner and mutter "Omnislash was too good for him". Well,
when your message came, I decided that I couild take care o any varmint that was buggin
ya, so I came heer in his place!" Billy explained.
The Mayor quickly went into the outer office and spoke with his secretary. "What
should I do, how do I get rid of this moron?" he asked.
"Sir, did you look at his eyes, and the funny glow they have? I've heard about that..that's
the glow of those who have been exposed to Mako. Maybe he can take care of things. I
doubt it, but if he can't it doesn't hurt us any, and if he does, then all is well." she replied
cooly.
"I can't believe you are suggesting that we send that idiot out to face him, but I guess you
are right." the Mayor said.
The mayor came back into the room and said "Mr Strife, well, our problem is this.
There is a bandit hiding up in the woods above town named Alabar. He is stronger than
our best men, and he comes into town and robs us at will. Could you go and take care of
him for us?"
"Is that all ya want? I wuz thinkin that it wuz gonna be sumthin hard. Sure, I kin take
care o the varmint for ya, but what's in it for me?" Billy responded.
"Mr Strife, we are willing to pay you 10000 gil if you do this for us." the mayor offered.
"Hooeee! 10000 gil! That more money than me, muh pappy n his pappy have seen in
our whole lives!" Billy was about to agree to the deal when he looked out the window and
saw a large building next to city hall. "Whoa! Wait one minute! Do I see what I think I
see? What is that thar buildin next door?"
"Huh? What?" the mayor said in confusion. "Oh, that, it's a warehouse full of Shinra
beer. I tried to make some money as a distributor for them, but all I got out of the deal was
a warehouse of beer that no one will buy".
"Well, I tell ya what yer honnor, I will go and stop this varmint if yas give me all the
beer in that thar building!" Billy offered. "That stuff is even better than muh pappys white
lighting!"
"What? all you want is that swil..., oh, er, Mr Strife, I see, you will stop Alabar if instead
of cash you get the beer in the warehouse? Then I belive we have a deal." The Mayor
extended his hand to shake Billy Joe Bob's hand, and Billy spat on his hand and then shook
the mayor's hand, and then he walked out the door.
As soon as Billy was out the door the mayor stomped out of his office and told his
secretary..."No more calls today, I'm going home to take a good, long, hot, soapy bath".
Chapter II: The Fight
Later that day, Billy was walking along a path up in the hills above town. He was
looking for a trace of Alabar, so he could go track him down. However, up to that point,
he wasn't having much luck, when suddenly a man jumped out of the bushes and landed
on the road ahead of him. He was about 20 cm taller than Billy and was brandishing a
massive sword, inlaid with materia. He was wearing a sort of funny black hat, with a black
brim that went all around the hat, and then it was about 5 inches tall.
"Howdy, mistuh! I wuz wonderin, how might I go about findin this here Alabar fella I
heered about?" Billy said to the mystery man.
"What do you want with Alabar?" he responded.
"Well, I'm gonna take him out, the people of the village hired me y'know!" Billy said.
The mystery man's face was a study in contrasts. It was as if he couldn't decide to be in
a blind rage, or to fall on the ground and start laughing. "I am Alabar the mighty!" he said,
half yelling, half laughing. He pulled out his sword and took a lethal swing at Billy, but it
only clipped the bill of Billy's hat. "Now, run away you fool or the next stroke will cut
your head, not just your hat!"
Billy jumped back and pulled out his rifle. "Oh ho! So you is the varmit I is supposed to
take care of. Boy, this sure will be an easy job." He quickly emptied all the bullets in his
rifle, but none of them even got close to hitting Alabar.
"You drunken fool!" Alabar roared. Then he held up his sword and one of the materia
glowed, and suddenly a the air in front of him begain to waver with intense cold. It flew
away and struck Billy square in the chest.. "Ha! That should put you on Ice you moron!"
The Ice spell knocked Billy back a bit, but then he stood up. His hair was a bit frosty,
but otherwise he seemed to be unaffected. "What a girlie blow! My lil' sis can hit me
harder than that!" Billy then concentrated on one of the materia embedded in his rifle, and
a ball of fire emerged and flashed at Alabar. However, it went 2 meters to his left, landed
in some bushes and started a small brush fire. Without saying anything, Alabar responded
by calling upon another of his materia, and a small gravity sphere appeared on top of Billy
and began to crush in on him.
"Huh! A little more to the left! Ya almost hit tha spot that itches!" Billy replied as he hit
the second materia on his rifle. Suddenly in the air above Billy, a massive Dragon
appeared, even as Billy cried out "Neo-Ba-Ha-Mutt!" The summon dragon roared and let
loose with it's breath attack, but under Billy's direction, the beam went right by Alabar's
shoulder and ground a trench out of the ground.
Alabar fell to the ground, but not from the force of Billy's attack, but from the gales of
laughter that were erupting from his gut. "Oh! You have got to be the worst excuse for a
warrior in the world! There is only one attack that is worthy of you!" He reached down
and hit a materia that was hidden in the buckle of his armor. Suddenly a cloud of dust
appeared in the distance, as a giant Chocobo with a Mog on it's back came bearing down
on Billy Joe Bob. It knocked him over, and as it went by, one of the Choco's feet stepped
right on Billy's face, leaving the imprint of a Choco's footprint on him in red.
As Billy laid there on the ground wondering what hit him, Alabar came after him with his
sword raised to deal out the final blow. However, at the last second, Billy pulled the
shotgun off his back, and let a burst loose right in Alabar's chest. It knocked Alabar back,
and a few of the pellets managed to penetrate his armor. While the armor took most of the
blow, Alabar couldn't understand the intense pain that came with the shots.
":Ha! Ha! Good ol' Bessie and her rocksalt never fail me!" Billy crowed. He then got up
and used his rifle butt to knock Alabar out, but only grazed his chin, cutting it and
staggering him backwards just a bit.
Alabar roared in rage and unleashed his Odin materia. Odin rose up over the battlefield
and fired his lance right into Billy. Billy staggered backwards and suddenly began to get
that odd look that someone has when they are ready to unleash a limit attack. Suddenly,
Billy belched and flame came roaring out of his mouth. It passed just over Alabar's head,
but incinerated his top hat.
"That was my favorite hat!" Alabar cried as he ran at Billy waving his sword madly,
slashing back and forth. Billy used his rifle to block the blows, but the sword cut into the
barrel, ruining the gun. As Alabar forced him back, Billy tripped and fell into the trench
that had been dug by his earlier Neo-Bahamut spell.
"Dagnabit! That wuz muh best squirrellie rifle! He reached down to the butt of the rifle
and found his last materia, the "Enemy Skill" materia. Suddenly Billy began to sing
"Ohhh....Froggie went a courtin and he did ride, cranbo! Froggie went a courtin and he did
ride cranbo!" As he sang, Alabar suddenly started to shift and waver, and then he started
to shrink. Within moments he had shrunk down to being a frog, and had fallen asleep.
Billy went over to his pack, pulled out a small pan, put some water in it from a nearby
stream and put it on above the fire he had started with his earlier fire spell. He then went
and grabbed Alabar-frog and said "hmm...frog legs for dinner tonight....deelish!"
Postlude
That evening, the mayor was back in his office after his bath, and looked out the
window. He saw Billy carrying Alabar's sword. "I don't believe it, he actually did it!"
Soon after Billy found is way up to the office and was let in.
"Good work! Good work!" the mayor said.
"Twern't nuthin, now howsabout my beer?" Billy replied.
"Oh, the beer is yours. Where did you want us to have it sent, I'll pay to have the whole
stock sent anywhere you want." the mayor said. Then as an uncomfortable thought hit him
he said "you weren't planning on staying here were you?"
"Nope, I never did like it in the big city...I reckon ya gots at least 40 people livin here,
that's way too many for me. Nope, I'll go back to the Nibelheim swamp. If ya don't
mind...when ya send the beer, I'll ride with it, thats way ah can protect it from theiven
varments." Billy replied.
The next morning, Billy left with his beer, and also all the materia that Alabar had been
using. However, he sold the sword and used it to buy himself a new rifle.
THE END (for now)
Email: jfeeple@my-dejanews.com