HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A REAL TEACHER
Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and (at the end of the six weeks) have been seen grading in church.
Real teachers cheer when they hear April 1 does not fall on a school day.
Real teachers drive older cars owned by credit unions.
Real teachers clutch a pencil while thinking and make notes in the margins of books.
Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.
Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.
Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning their backs on the class.
Real teachers are written up in medical journals for size and elasticity of kidneys and bladders.
Real teachers have been timed gulping down a full lunch in 2 minutes, 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.
Real teachers can predict exactly which parents will show up at Open House.
Real teachers volunteer for hall duty on days faculty meetings are scheduled.
Real teachers never teach the conjugations of lie and lay to eighth graders.
Real teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask permission.
Real teachers know the best end of semester lesson plans can come from Blockbuster.
Real teachers never take grades after Wednesday of the last week of the six weeks.
Real teachers never assign research papers on the last six weeks or essays on final exams.
Real teachers know the shortest distance and the length of travel time from their classroom to the office.
Real teachers can "sense" gum.
Real teachers know the difference among what must be graded, what ought to be graded, and what probably should never again see the light of day.
Real teachers are solely responsible for the destruction of the rain forest.
Real teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot.
Real teachers have never heard an original excuse.
Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil at COSCO
Real teachers will eat anything that is put in the workroom/teacher's lounge.
Real teachers never plan discussions for first period or co-operative groups for 7th during an evaluation.
Real teachers have the assistant principals' and counselors' home phone numbers.
Real teachers know secretaries and custodians run the school.
Real teachers know the rules don't really apply to them.
Real teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely non-expendable.
YOU MIGHT BE IN EDUCATION IF...
1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
2. You find humor in other people,s stupidity.
3. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"
4. You believe chocolate is a food group.
5. You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
6. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report card.
7. You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
8. When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
9. You have no time for a life from August to June.
10. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much simpler.
11. When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
12. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
13. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
14. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge."
15. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
16. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.
17. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for at least 5 years.
18. You've ever had you profession slammed by someone who would never DREAM of doing your job.
19. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.
20. You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.
21. You know you,re in for a MAJOR project when a parent says, "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun!
22. You smile weakly, but want to choke a person when he/she says, "Oh, you must have such FUN every day. It must be like playtime for you.
23. Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.
24. Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?
MIDDLE SCHOOL BATTLE SCARS
You know you teach middle school if
...you empty your pockets at night and find
1. two used hall passes
2. one unused bus pass
3. a pencil stub
4. no money (you spent your change in the faculty room candy stash)
5. a note with a drawing of satan and two expletives that needed deleting
...you brag to your spouse about how many parent phone calls you got done today
...your relatives refuse to attend one of your parties if "it's going to be mostly teachers" because they all talk shop
...you keep trying those techniques that were recommended by experts during the latest pendulum swing
... you walk the halls of your building and unconsciously pick up litter
... you are irritated by adults who chew gum in public
... your spouse surreptitiously reads the paper at dinner while you describe your day
... you plan your seating chart so that the short kids can't hide behind bigger ones
... you have seen firsthand what gum wrappers and pennies can do to a floppy disk drive
... you write your name conspicuously on all personal objects, including your car keys, your masking tape, your textbook, and your chair.
... you sometimes choose to pretend not to hear comments that were perfectly intelligible to everyone else who was in the room
... you know what your classroom door sounds like when slammed mightily
... you have classroom rules about where people may put their feet
... you know what the ventilation fan in your room sounds like when whirling small objects, usually folded paper or wrappers
... your librarian cringes when you sign up your class
... you tell subtle jokes in class just to see those few smiles of the ones that catch on
... your class gladly acknowledges that they watch Letterman and Rosie O'Donnell and MTV but tell you they haven't time to look at something by PBS during prime time
... you despise Halloween candy, Christmas candy, and Valentine candy
... your students prefer current events stories that deal with rape, murder, electrocution, and demonic possession
... one of your students writes to Congress (on your nickle) to complain about some cigarette butts thrown into a local lake
... you still can't believe you allowed yourself to be sucked into an argument regarding whether Beanie Babies should be allowed in class
... you know at least three ways to remove objectionable doodles from textbooks so the next user will not be offended
... your team goes out for dinner to celebrate the news that your biggest headache is moving to another district
... you clean desks yourself just to keep the place looking nice and to help your own morale
... a mother calls to chew you out because you have ignored her son's project only to learn from you that it must be the one that has sat on the chalkrail for weeks with the words "Whose? Is this yours?" written above it
... your colleagues claim you inspected a blank student agenda in study hall and said, "Let me guess: All your teachers have been absent for the last month and a half."
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written by a VETERAN teacher!
Email: kglee@webtv.net
