Richard woke up and couldn't believe he was actually at home. He was that used to the past year of waking up in a hut in Vietnam. He had been in bed for many hours, but he still didn't feel fully rested. He could still feel a tight inner tension and an indefinable, but lingering anxiety. He knew he had slept restlessly and superficially. He had several bad dreams. He knew they had been unpleasant ones even though he could not recall most of them. He did recall one dream. In it he had stepped on a mine and lost his entire left leg. He remembered rolling on the ground in extreme pain, screaming at the top of his lungs. He had then woken up suddenly. Luckily, it appeared that he had only yelled out in his dream and not in actuality. The scene had been very vivid, and he remained awake for a while with an intense feeling of real terror.
He now got up from his bed. He coughed several times; he didn't know why. Before he got dressed, he went to the window just to take a look outside. He opened the curtains and coughed once again. He immediately noticed what had probably made him cough. The Los Angeles sky was filled with the lingering dark yellow haze called smog. He had forgotten what the sky always looked like in Los Angeles. It was much clearer in Vietnam. He would have to start getting used to it again.
That evening Richard had the chance to sit down to talk with his parents after supper. It was only the three of them. His sister Laura had her own apartment. She was almost 21 years old now and had been making good money as an office receptionist for the last few years. His brother Miguel, or Mike as everyone called him, was at a school club meeting. He was a senior in high school now and was active in various school activities. Richard's father was tall, sturdy and had a light complexion. He asked a few questions about what it was like in Vietnam, and Richard tried to answer.
"Well, father, it's . . . . " he hesitated and stammered because he wasn't at all clear in his own mind what he thought about the entire situation and what could be done about it. Furthermore, he wasn't sure his father would understand the definite observations and viewpoints that he did have on his mind, "it's a very different war, I think. We're not trying to take over any territory or conquer a nation. The strategy is just to hold our ground and keep fighting off the guerrillas. It's not easy to do because they're so elusive, and the only way to know how well you're doing is by keeping a count of how many you kill or capture. It's hard to capture them, so you just try to kill off as many as you can. I don't think the United States has ever fought a war quite like this one, except maybe the wars against the Indians. I was thinking the other day about that, and there are at least some similarities. For instance, there's . . . . "
"You know," his father interrupted and spoke in the calm tone of someone who has ample knowledge of a subject, "there's always going to be bloodshed and killing in any war. You just can't get away from it. There's a lot of people going around today that seem to act so surprised that there are people dying out there, but what do they expect? That happens in a war.
"I remember one time in northern France when our company ran into some German machine guns. We were coming out of some trees and into a clearing, which was in front of a river we were going to cross. Some of the men were in the clearing and starting to go down the river bank when the machine guns started firing away. They cut down many of the men in the clearing. The ones in front ran down into the river. The river was full of ice, but it was only a thin sheet of ice, so when the men stepped on it they fell through. While they were trying to get themselves together, some Germans moved up on their side of the river bank and mowed them down. I had been in the clearing but luckily I was toward the back so I had the chance to run back into the trees before I got hit." Richard's mother had gotten up by now and was clearing the dishes from the table. "How about the Vietnamese people?" his father continued. "They like us all right, don't they?"
"I'm not really sure," replied Richard. He looked a little frustrated. "I'd say they don't like us very much. They certainly didn't act very much like they did. The kids liked us as long as we gave them candy and cigarettes. The adults mostly tried to stay out of our way, and every so often somebody--usually kids--would throw a grenade at us, or you'd hear about a G.I. that turned up missing after last being seen in a village and just couldn't be found. It's real strange.
"Then there's Viet Cong ambushes that take place outside a village, and you know the people in the village knew about it but just didn't say anything. I'd say that most people don't really care who's in power--the Communists or the South's generals. I think that what they would most like to see is an end to all the fighting. I think they would just much rather live peaceful lives free from all the bombings, ambushes, sweeps, crop destruction, and everything else.
"I'll tell you, though, the Vietnamese have a lot of good reason not to like us. You wouldn't believe some of the things that happen. Like there was . . . . "
"Those people might not show that they like us very openly," interrupted the father, "but I'm sure they do. I bet they'd really miss us if we left. I remember the French didn't seem too friendly. They'd sort of keep to themselves. But then I remember when we marched into Paris. Boy, I'll never forget that day. They loved us. It was a tremendous welcome. You've seen films of it. They went wild. They threw flowers, and all kinds of young girls ran out and kissed us. They were so happy.
"And as far as civilians suffering, well, you can't avoid that, either. It happens in every war. Sometimes, they get killed and wounded, too. There's a lot of bad things that happen in a war, but it's not all 100% bad. I mean you've got to look on the bright side of things. Like I just told you, the day we marched into Paris was one of the most exciting days of my life. Now, Richard, that you're finally home from the war and have it all behind you, you've got to sit down and think back on the positive things you got out of it. If you'll think about it, it was an experience that you had to go through, and now that you have, there must be a few things that you can say you learned. After all, I think war can build character in a man. It's like football. The discipline and teamwork and experience can help you learn and grow."
Richard's mother, a short, stout, dark woman, went up to Richard seated in his chair and put her arms around him. "I don't understand what that war is all about, and I don't know why you had to go, but I'm glad you're home now and safe. We don't have to worry anymore."
"What do you mean we don't have to worry anymore," blurted Richard in exasperation. "How about Mike? How about everyone else who has to go?"
"Mike will be all right," remarked his father calmly. "Don't worry. The only thing that worries me is that he says he won't go if they tell him to. I think he will, though. I know he's no coward. Sometimes I wonder, though. The way he talks he sure sounds like it, sometimes. He's been involved in some demonstrations that have been against the war, and at school he's in some radical group of some kind that's against the war. He's also been involved in some problems about some school rules, like rules on what clothes you can wear. I tell you these young kids are awfully rebellious these days. They're rebellious and unpatriotic. Like I told him before, 'America: Love It or Leave It.'"
Richard felt like arguing more with his father and trying to convince him that certain facts weren't the way he saw them, but he decided against it. He knew it was useless. His father was still fighting World War II and couldn't or wouldn't try to study and comprehend what could be a very different situation. He was mad at his father to a certain extent, but he thought that perhaps he shouldn't be. He wasn't the only one who thought that way. Richard figured that, whether or not he convinced his father that the war was wrong, it wouldn't affect the course of the war. Richard himself was still not fully convinced that it was an unnecessary war. He figured that the best thing to do was to better inform himself on the facts of the war and try to convince not only his father but other people as well that the United States should get out of the war as soon as possible.
Richard was driving along a street in Santa Monica not far from his home. He had looked into a couple of jobs, but it didn't look very promising. For one thing, he had not had his heart into job hunting that afternoon. It was only 6 P.M. but it was already dark. Today was January 20th, and the car radio was repeating the big news item of the day--the inauguration of Richard Nixon as President. The entry of a new President meant the departure of an old one, and Richard thought about Lyndon Johnson. The Vietnam situation had greatly overshadowed Johnson's efforts on the domestic side. Beneath it all, Johnson did seem to have some genuine compassion for people. Richard knew it would be hard for history to judge this man. Perhaps that was why he didn't feel as much hate or anger as appeared to be the case with many antiwar people. He wasn't sure that he shouldn't dislike him more than he did, but at this time, he didn't feel very much contempt or bitterness.
Johnson had not left very much resolved in the war except that he had ceased the bombing of the North and had opened negotiations with North Vietnam. Perhaps, Richard thought, Nixon would be able to bring it to a quick conclusion. He had seemed to think so during the campaign.
Something was wrong near the intersection ahead. Richard began to slow down. He had just seen a car dart across the intersection from the left and hit another car traveling on the street Richard was on. The crossing car hit the second one on the driver's door and dragged it along the street. The cars soon disappeared out of sight behind the house on the right corner of the intersection, but the impact and the screeching of the tires and brakes could be heard. Richard approached the intersection and decided to park his car just before the intersection. He got out of the car to see what had happened. It looked like the second car was up on the sidewalk to the right of the intersection. The other car was stopped close behind the first one, but it was still in the street. Other cars were passing by very slowly. The first car had pushed the impacted car against a lamppost. The post bent up the car considerably on the right side. The driver's door had also been bent inwardly. The car looked like an empty beer can that had been bent in from two opposite directions. The car was making contact with the post with its back right-side door.
At first, it was hard to see who had been injured. There was apparently no one inside or near the car that was in the street. Richard came up and stopped beside three persons standing on the corner. One of them was a middle-aged man who was talking and motioning nervously. He pointed toward the stop sign on the street on which the crossing car had been traveling, "See that tree on the other side of the stop sign?" the man asked the other two. "I didn't see the sign because of the tree. I swear it really covers up the sign. It shouldn't be there," he remarked almost hysterically. The others didn't say anything. It was clear that the man was the driver of the car in the street that had run into the other car.
After the man walked away, another man stated, "I saw it and he was speeding. No doubt about it." The impacted car that had been traveling on the street Richard was on crossed the intersection at precisely the wrong moment. There was no stop sign facing it at the intersection. Richard shuddered at the thought that it might have been he who would have been hit if he had come along a few seconds earlier.
The driver of the impacting car appeared to be perfectly sober. After a while, an ambulance and a police car arrived, and the lights on top of the vehicles continued to revolve and cast bright flashes of red on everyone and everything near them. There was a freeway that passed nearby, approximately two blocks away. It was a typical L.A. freeway crowded with hundreds of cars spurting by, most of them on their way home from work.
The men from the ambulance were now looking at someone lying on the sidewalk next to the impacted car. It was a woman who was motionless. She had been riding in the passenger seat of the car that had been struck and had been thrown out of the door after impact. She had been thrown against a fence that was right next to the sidewalk, bounced off, and then came down in the middle of the sidewalk. She was bleeding profusely from the head. She was lying face down and her left leg was dangling in an awkward position as if it were badly broken.
One of the medics from the ambulance was attending the driver. The driver was also a woman and was about 22 years old. She was still in the driver's seat but was trapped in the corrugated metal wreckage. Her forehead was badly gashed from hitting the windshield, several ribs were broken from her impact upon the steering wheel, and her legs and feet were wedged between the door and the instrument panel. She had passed out for several minutes but had just come to. She was clearly in extreme pain as she groaned loudly in a piteous tone. It looked as if it would take some time before they could get her out. Richard wondered how she would come out of the situation, if indeed she could come out of it at all. Richard estimated that it would take a while to bend away or cut away all the metal that had the woman trapped in the car. So far no one had come to start working on getting her out of the tin trap. The fire department's rescue squad would probably arrive before long. Richard worried whether the woman might not wind up permanently crippled in some way because of the delay in extricating her. He thought of this because he had heard of accident victims in similar cases coming out crippled because of the delay in getting prompt medical attention. Richard momentarily reflected upon people he knew who had come out of automobile accidents relatively unharmed and who talked about the incidents openly. He mused upon how lucky they had been. Then there were one or two others that he had heard had ended up crippled in some way. He realized now that people weren't as eager to discuss that type of outcome.
In addition to the two women, there had been two children in the back seat of the automobile. There was a six year old boy who had been riding behind the driver. He was still inside the car and crying in pain. Luckily, he did not seem to be very seriously hurt although he had been bounced around inside the car with the force of the collision. He was dazed by what had happened and had not thought of anything else to do but to remain seated on the floor of the car behind the front passenger seat where he had fallen.
A small, three year old girl was crying. She was seated on the sidewalk immediately beside the passenger door. She had been riding behind the passenger seat. The impact had thrown her forward into the back of the passenger seat and then out the door. The car had only two doors. The little girl's face was bleeding where she had hit both the seat and the door. She had also broken an arm and was badly bruised throughout her body. Two or her teeth had been knocked out. The passenger's seat belt, which had apparently not been used, was dangling down from the car door. The little girl would at times writhe slowly in pain as tears streamed down her cheeks. She would periodically yell, "Mommy, Mommy," and look in the direction of the fallen woman on the sidewalk. She apparently could not or did not think to get up to go to her mother. The woman was also the boy's mother.
Richard was both touched and repelled by the sight of the desperately disconcerted little girl as well as all the rest of the ongoing misery. The cries of the children, especially those of the girl seemed to ring loudly through his head. It seemed as if he had been through this same, or at least a very similar, experience before. The cries sounded so vivid. Two police cars were now on the scene, and their lights and flashing semaphores illuminated everything brightly and dramatically. The previous experience he was trying to recall now came to his mind very clearly. It was the crying and terror of the children on the occasions that his company had gone to burn down villages in Vietnam. He could also now clearly hear in his mind the sound of the fire burning the thatched huts of the Vietnamese.
It hit him how actually there more deaths each year in the United States from automobile accidents than there had been American combat deaths from the war in Vietnam. It seemed hard to believe. He had recently heard that there were approximately 50,000 automobile deaths per year, yet only about 30,000 troops had been killed in the entire war so far.
In a sense, it seemed ludicrous to Richard in the face of this reality to worry very much about the lives that were being lost in the war. It all had to be taken in stride as part of modern living. Maybe that was why so many people seemed so indifferent about the war.
Some of the spectators on the scene had come out of their nearby homes, but others like Richard had passed by on cars. Actually, most of the people who lived in the vicinity had not even noticed the wreck. They were absorbed by other things. It was dinnertime for one thing. Others couldn't hear because the television or radio were on. For instance, the family four houses up from the accident was just sitting down to dinner. They were very talkative and happy this evening. It was a happy occasion because today was the birthday of their 4 year old daughter. The living room was away from the front of the house, and they could not see the flashing lights and could barely hear the sirens.
Richard was just standing there quietly now; his mind was still recalling memories of his experiences in the previous year. Seeing the woman lying on the sidewalk reminded him of many sights. He involuntarily remembered the sight of Schermer's foot that had been blown off by the mine. He vividly recalled Sutton's tragic end under the reddish light of the flare overhead. It was a bizarre nighttime scene like the one now with the red lights of the ambulance and police car flashing hypnotically.
A rescue squad had come by now and was starting to try to get the driver out of the car. The ambulance men were giving first aid to the children and carefully starting to move them to the ambulance. They would probably be able to sit up, so it would be possible to take them in the same ambulance with their mother. Someone asked an ambulance attendant if the children's mother was going to be all right.
The attendant stared down at the ground philosophically as he answered, "I guess you could say the mother's going to be all right, but it's the children that are going to be in bad shape. She's dead."
The cars that filled the freeway above continued to rush past, oblivious to what was happening below.
"I'll be over to your place about 8," said Richard eagerly. He was talking on the phone.
"You got my address?" asked the person on the other side.
"Yeah."
"I'll show you some good places, and I know of some real good spots where we might even be able to pick up some broads," said the other person. "See you at 8 then."
Richard had been talking to an old high school football teammate, Jack Clifton. He had not seen Jack since high school. They had not been especially good friends in high school but being on the football team made them become well acquainted. Richard had run into Jack at a shopping center near Richard's house a few days before. They had agreed to go out on the town tonight. Richard had not seen many friends since his return although he had already been back for a month. He had not gone out very much, either. He had mostly felt like staying home and keeping to himself. He didn't know why he felt that way, but he decided to go along with his mood. He seemed to mainly just want some peace and quiet. He didn't feel very excited about going out tonight, but he felt more eager than any other time since he had gotten back. He knew it was just as good that he started going out more regularly to have some fun.
Jack Clifton had been a good player on the team. He had played right tackle. He was 6'3." He had weighed 220 pounds then but now was 20 pounds heavier. He looked it, too. Jack had not gone to college after high school. There were many colleges where he could have easily played on the football team, but he had not been very enthusiastic about going on to college, even if it was primarily to play football. Instead, Jack worked in construction for awhile. After that, he joined the Marines. He joined when some friends said they were going in, and he decided to go along. He found he liked the Marine Corps because of the physical challenge and the physical training. After a year in the Corps, it dawned upon him that he had signed up for a very long time.
He still had three years to go on his enlistment, and it seemed that the end would never come. Jack did not go to Vietnam as soon as most of the Marines had gone who had joined at the same time with him. It looked for a time that he might be able to finish his enlistment without going there at all, but with a year to go on his enlistment, he was sent to Vietnam for the normal year-long tour of duty. He finished his Vietnam tour and enlistment in the Marines in August, 1968.
After Richard picked him up, Jack took him to several bars and nightclubs mostly on Sunset Strip. They mostly talked about the past--high school, the years immediately following graduation, the service, and Vietnam. ''Whatever happened to that girl you were going with in high school?" asked Jack. "Eve Cummings wasn't it?"
RICHARD We broke up right before graduation.
JACK Shit, I never knew that. I thought you guys were really serious.
RICHARD No, it only seemed like it. I think we even fooled ourselves for a while. Oh, there was some affection but not that much. Hell, everybody told us what a cute couple we made, so we played along in our roles.
JACK You probably remember that I didn't go with anyone in particular in high school, but I met this girl not too long after we got out of high school. We went together a while. After I joined the Marines, we talked about getting married. After I was in the Marines a while, it sort of started fizzling. Shit, you know how being away can sort of dampen things. I guess I still liked her, but she started insisting that she had to date other guys. I knew what was coming. Before long, I got a Dear John, and then not too much later I heard she got married.
RICHARD I started to go with this girl in my senior year in college, and I think it could have gone farther if it hadn't been that I got drafted.
(Richard thought about Jack's problem and figured it was a typical one these days. As a matter fact, there was a new song that Richard imagined could have very well been written by a guy in a situation similar to Jack's. The hit was sung by a new group called Brooklyn Bridge. It was about a guy who surmised that his ex-girl friend's upcoming marriage was maybe the best thing for her, but to him it was "The Worst That Could Happen.")
JACK Hey, have you seen very many of the guys from the team since high school. I guess Jim Laraway did pretty good at San Diego State. He was on the first team for his last two years.
RICHARD Yeah, I heard.
JACK Hell, we had some pretty damn good teams in high school. We were always on top or near the top. (Jack was clearly drunk by now, as could be told from his speech. The two went on to talk in detail about the different games they had played on the team. After a while, they went on to another place and continued their conversation.)
RICHARD So where did you stay while you were in Vietnam?
JACK My unit was up in the Central Highlands most of the time. We had to do a lot of humping. Man, I had some close calls, too. (He paused momentarily, as if reflecting in awe.) I guess I'm lucky I'm here. Goddamn, I suppose you probably had some close calls yourself. I guess any grunt does.
RICHARD You're damn right. I'm just glad I made it through all right.
JACK What do you think? Don't you think we should have gone in and kicked the shit out of North Vietnam instead of wasting our time the way we did? Shit, that's the only way to really wipe out the fucking Communists.
They went next to a bar in an out of the way place that Jack said he liked. They continued to talk about a diversity of subjects from old high school experiences to current sports events to recent movies they had seen. The man to the right of Jack sounded pretty drunk and started complaining that someone had taken the change he left on the bar while he was gone to the restroom. He was talking loudly. Richard and Jack didn't pay very much attention to the man until he tapped Jack on the shoulder.
"Hey, I bet you were the one," claimed the man. He was now sitting down on his stool. He looked to be about 35 years old. He was stockily built and stood 5'10. "Come on, hand it over," he requested. The man sounded like he was kidding, but he was annoying.
Jack didn't seem very perturbed. He calmly answered, "Listen, I didn't take it. I wasn't even looking in that direction. Ask my friend here," pointing to Richard.
"Oh, come on, I know you took it," insisted the man, half kidding but also half serious.
"Just because you're big doesn't mean you can get away with it. Give it back."
All of a sudden Jack moved quickly and in one continuous motion took the empty beer bottle he had just finished from the bar, brought his arm back over his shoulder, and looked ready to bring the bottle down on the man's head. Richard, while still sitting, reached over and grabbed Jack's arm before he brought it forward. Several men yelled out, "Hey," "Stop." The bartender yelled excitedly, "Cut it out. I'm calling the police." The drunken man just sat there in his stool in a daze without making a move. Richard got up and went to Jack's side. "O.K., Jack," he exclaimed. "Everything's all right." As Richard looked at Jack in the face, he noticed that Jack was totally stunned. He looked as if he had just woken up from a strange, ominous dream that he couldn't understand. "Come on, Jack," Richard spoke loudly as if trying to wake Jack up from his torpor. "Let's get out of here right away. Let's go. Everything'll be all right." Richard started to pull him toward the door, and Jack slowly acquiesced. Jack didn't say very much on the way home. He was evidently still stunned by what he had done. After they got to Jack's house, he began to talk more, trying to understand what had happened.
JACK Wow, I don't know what came over me. One minute I was sitting there just listening to that guy, figuring there was nothing to what he was saying, that he was crazy. Then, the next minute I'm standing there realizing I'm about to hit the guy with my beer bottle. It just happened real sudden like. I haven't been getting into any fights since I got back. I've stayed out of trouble so far--until tonight, at least. I know I have been feeling violent sometimes. There's been a few times when I've gotten pretty mad, and I've felt like duking somebody out, but I haven't done it. Like the other day I went into this little grocery store to buy some beer, and when I heard what the price was when he rang it up on the cash register, I got mad as hell. I don't remember what the price was, but I thought it was outrageous. And I was completely sober, too. I got real mad at the guy because I knew he was the owner. I almost grabbed him by the collar. I was that mad. There were some other customers in the store, and they looked surprised. The guy looked surprised, too, but he stood by his guns. He made the usual excuses about how they were charging him more for everything and how the rent kept going up and how he was barely making it and all that shit. Well, I paid him the money for it and left. After I got in the car, I realized it wasn't bad enough to get that raging mad and threaten to punch a guy out.
RICHARD I've felt pretty tense, too. I thought it was natural for a while and that it would go away after a few days, but I still feel it after more than a month.
JACK Well, you'll probably go on feeling it for a while still. I don't know why it is. It's just strange. I still feel sort of strange being back. I mean sometimes it just feels weird having to be so nice and polite to people and control your feelings--your bad feelings. It's strange because not too long ago you were out there in a jungle going around smelly and dirty. Hell, you were like an animal going around being hunted down by the enemy and trying to kill him before he killed you--trying to wipe him out wherever he was. Then here you've got to be polite and respect everyone. Sometimes, I've felt like just blowing away somebody that just really rubbed me wrong, you know. Why not? Some son of a bitches I've run into are probably worse people than some of those I shot and didn't even know.
RICHARD Yeah, I know what you mean. I've thought about those things myself. I've wondered what's to stop me--or anyone for that matter--from just going and wiping out someone just for the hell of it. I know they'd put you in jail, but aside from that I don't feel there's anything to stop you. Even if you don't shoot somebody just for the hell of it, why not go kill somebody who's just a real bastard. Maybe, he's just a real nuisance, not just to you but to practically everybody else around him. You know, he lies, cheats, and steals. You can't trust him. He doesn't support his wife and kids, but he still comes home sometimes just to beat them. I mean, you would probably be doing a favor to lots of people and to society if you wiped him out.
JACK (after a short interlude of silence) I don't know what to do. I've been pretty confused these days. Sometimes I feel pretty down. I don't know why. I didn't use to ever get this way, but I do now sometimes. I guess the thing that get's me the most is thinking back on some of the guys I knew--I mean the ones that got killed or maybe badly shot up. I think about it, and it just doesn't make any sense, man. (Jack leans over and puts his head in his right hand. His voice sounds broken as if he is about to cry.) You know how it is.
RICHARD Yeah, I know what you mean.
JACK After all this time, I still have nightmares about the whole thing. (He opened the door and got out of the car.) Listen, Rich, I really appreciate what you did at the bar. Thanks a lot. Listen, I'll give you a call soon and we'll get together and do something again.
RICHARD Sure thing, Jack. Try to keep it cool. See you. Richard got home at 1:30 in the morning, but he still wasn't sleepy. It had been a strange evening. He kept thinking about what had happened and about what Jack had said. He hoped he wouldn't ever have any fits of violence like Jack had felt, but he knew he couldn't be sure. He knew he had been experiencing violent feelings within himself, and he had sometimes felt depressed. He couldn't explain why he felt down. There didn't seem to be any direct connection to his war experiences because the depression came at times when he wasn't reflecting at all upon what had happened in Vietnam. Yet, he had never before in his life felt the same kind of depression.
Richard turned on the television to see if there were any good late movies. A movie entitled Till the End of Time with Guy Madison, Dorothy McGuire, and Robert Mitchum was coincidentally showing. It had been made in 1946, and Richard became very interested. He had heard the theme song sung by Perry Como several times before. Some of the problems and the lethargic mood of the story seemed very current and familiar to him. It was about World War II veterans trying to readjust to civilian life.
In the following months, Richard kept looking for a job, but he couldn't find anything. It wasn't that there were no jobs available. The problem was that Richard was being very picky, and he knew it. He didn't intend to be picky, but somehow he hesitated at every job that was offered to him. He always seemed to find something objectionable with the jobs, something that he figured would make him want to leave the job before very long. There were several instances in which he had been rejected for employment. He figured that in most of those cases he probably had not looked or acted very enthusiastic. He knew that had to be true in at least some cases because it was true that he just didn't feel the eagerness and enthusiasm that he was sure employers were looking for. There was no doubt in his mind that perceptive interviewers could pick up the negative feelings that he had--the confusion, the desolation, the despondency.
Still, he didn't know what to do about it and in a way he didn't care. It was true that he felt guilty to a certain extent because with a college degree he had a much better chance at getting a job--and a good paying one--than most of the other vets who were out trying to find a place. For that reason, he tried a little harder than he would have otherwise. In the meantime, he collected unemployment compensation. At first, he had scoffed at the idea of collecting it. He had thought that he would find a good job right away and have no need for compensation. His friends told him to file for it anyway, but he had refused. He was too sharp and eager to bother with that kind of thing, he thought. He figured that unemployment compensation was intended as an aid of last resort. After a while, he had decided to go collect, and now he was getting used to the idea of an easy, automatic check.
Richard's hair was growing much longer than it had ever been. He was wearing blue jeans and old clothes much of the time. He found he could wear some of his old Army clothes such as his field jacket and boots and be in style with what many other people were wearing. He was much less formal in his dress than he had been before. He started really getting into some of the new rock sounds that had come out in the past few years. He started buying some new albums like "Are You Experienced?" by the Jimi Hendrix Experience, Grateful Dead's album titled with their name, and "Bathing at Baxter's" by the Jefferson Airplane. There seemed to be a flood of records to choose from.
He also started smoking marijuana fairly regularly. He was careful about it at first. He was concerned that it might be harmful, but after smoking it several times, he forgot about those concerns, especially since he knew that there were so many other people doing it. Richard had the opportunity because his old friend Ralph Pettibon often smoked it. Ralph had an apartment of his own and could have grass around without any worry about parents. Richard was still living at home and could not act so freely.
Richard had not been able to make many new friends. Neither had he been able to establish new contact with very many old friends from high school and college. Some of them were still in the service, others had moved away. Others had changed or were married, and there didn't seem to be as much in common with them anymore. Richard felt sad about that to a certain extent, especially since it didn't seem that things had to turn out that way. He couldn't exactly explain the feeling that he had, but it just seemed that, even though people might change, there could still be enough in common to keep them together as friends. Richard had seen Jack once again since the incident at the bar in February. Jack was not doing anything new. He had a number of friends that he hung around with much of the time, and it was hard for Richard to get in touch with him.
Richard was still close to Ralph Pettibon. One thing that had always brought them together since they were in high school was that Ralph was open enough to engage in good, deep conversations. Richard felt comfortable talking to him about things that he wouldn't even mention to other people more freely. He could express his doubts and demonstrate his feelings. Part of the reason for this rapport was simply the familiarity that had gradually developed between them over the years. It was also important that they were both sensitive and perceptive. Richard was hardly aware of the various reasons why he found it easy to talk to Ralph. It just seemed natural and easy to talk to him.
Ralph was thin with light brown hair and a generally unexpressive face. He looked very nice and proper, but most would have been surprised to know that he was addicted to porno films. Ralph was generally quiet and shy, but he was a good listener and showed good judgment. Ralph had never gone to college, but he was well informed. He read widely on diverse subjects and had a true, natural passion for knowledge. Richard knew that was more than he could say about many college graduates, including himself. Ralph worked in a large department store in the men's clothing department, and he seemed satisfied with his job. Richard had been able to tell Ralph about his uneasy feelings and doubts since he had returned. Ralph had been very understanding and soothing. Richard found that it helped just to be able to talk about it.
Richard also had occasional long conversations with his brother Mike. Mike was at that age when it is naturally common to feel rebellious and to desire independence. At times he would sit around and brood. Mike wasn't mature enough to understand some of the things Richard was going through on a personal and emotional level. Richard didn't talk to him very much about his inner feelings, but he did like to talk to him about politics and social problems. Those were certainly topics that his brother was very interested in at the present time.
Mike was very much involved in questioning a wide variety of evils and failings of American society including the oppression of women, repressive laws involving sex and marijuana, an unjust distribution of wealth, a polluted environment, neglected slums, and others. Richard found much that was correct and appealing in what Mike said, but he argued with him because he knew that Mike made the United States sound like it was the first corrupt and unjust society in history. He would tell Mike to be aware that there were and had been many other objectionable societies. Actually, American society was much better than many others because there always seemed to be a good number of people who worked hard to correct injustices. It was sad to say that social evils in the United States were indicative of the many failings of human beings around the world, both in the past and at present. Richard also liked to challenge Mike to come up with sound solutions to the problems.
Richard had made one new friend recently that he liked. His name was George Gourdoux. George had gone to a junior college for two years. He had not gone on to college, so when he was about to get drafted, he joined the Navy. George was a pleasant, easy going guy who was not very well decided on what he wanted to do for the rest of his life. He was now going to Long Beach State College, but the main reason he was going was to collect the money he could receive as a veteran under the G.I. Bill. Tuition was low at Long Beach State so that there was plenty of money left for other expenses. Richard didn't mind that guys like George could collect money under the G.I. Bill, but he did kid him about it. "Hey, George, man, I don't see how a guy like you can collect all that G.I. Bill money when all you ever did in the war was sit on a fucking ship."
"Well," replied George, "as long as the taxpayers don't say anything about it, I ain't going to complain." George always seemed very relaxed. He walked slowly and was rarely in a hurry to get any place. He liked to smoke marijuana often. He said he had changed in personality from what he had been before. He used to be more aggressive and competitive. He had been active in sports in high school and had even played football in junior college. Now he was much more interested in following his own whim and not worrying about what other people were doing or what they had to say about him. He wore old but individually decorated clothes. He had two pairs of jeans that he had painted in a free-flowing style similar to Jackson Pollock's expressionistic paintings. He wore a variety of hats including his old Navy dress cap, a farmer's straw hat, and a silver construction worker's helmet. He had also painted or embroidered designs on some of his shirts. He used to sum up his philosophy by repeating the currently popular phrase, "Do your own thing, man. Just do your own thing."
George was interested in keeping up with current political events. He and Richard got into a few discussions about the war. The discussions were not very involved. They agreed that they didn't like the war but never decided what to do about it. Richard felt uneasy about having thought little about the war in the time since he got back. He frankly didn't know where to start. Nixon had not done anything dramatic in ending the war.
April, 1969 marked the month in which there was a peak number of combat soldiers stationed in South Vietnam during the entire period of the war. 1969 would also be the year in which the most United States casualties were suffered.
She was friendly and full of life. She was 18 years old and seemed eager and ready to enjoy the rest of her life. She wasn't especially talkative or boisterous, but she had large, excitable, bright eyes that radiated a desire to dive right into a life full of romance and adventure. She was new to California having only arrived a month before. She had come from Kinsley, Kansas where she had graduated from high school and then decided to leave and go to California where she knew she could find fun, excitement, and love.
Her name was Kathy Brown. She had come out to Los Angeles with a close friend from high school. She lived in an old apartment with her friend and a girl they had met in L.A. The apartment was small, but they managed to live in it comfortably. There were arguments and resentments over various matters related to living arrangements, cleaning chores, and personal habits. The disagreements were not anything out of the ordinary, and so far the three girls had managed to get along well. The girls' finances were low since all of them had low paying jobs. Kathy worked in a fast food restaurant. The pay was at the minimum wage of $1.60 per hour, but otherwise she didn't mind the job. It was hectic at times, and the manager could be a tyrant. He had once fired two girls on impulse and without good cause, but there was nothing anyone could do about it. What she liked about the job was that there were many people around with whom to talk and work.
Richard met her at a party. It was a pot party given at the house of some friends that George knew. There were a large number of people at the party, and they came and went at different times. There was a large variety of people. There were blacks, browns, Orientals, but most were white. There were high school dropouts, college students, college graduates, graduate students, and blue and white collar workers. There was a variety in dress, but everyone was dressed very informally. Some went out of their way to wear old, worn out clothes. There was great diversity in various aspects, but there were two common interests that brought everyone together--marijuana and music. Everyone looked calm and relaxed. There seemed to be little criticism of what other people were doing or thinking. It was an accepting attitude, and there were few signs of competitiveness or conceit. Some of the people pointed to the marijuana as being the cause of these "vibrations" of well being and social harmony, but it was not clear that people were not on their best behavior simply because they were already anticipating a mystically edifying effect from the substance. In fact, what could have been most important in producing a peaceful, beneficent effect was the tendency often caused by marijuana to withdraw into one's own mind and senses.
The house was being rented by four UCLA students. As a result, most of the people present were students at UCLA. There were different posters and art prints on the walls. Most of the posters were artfully designed advertisements for rock concerts. On one wall there was a black light illuminating a poster underneath it. There were various lamps around the rooms, and most of them had colored light bulbs--red, amber or green. There was a Tiffany lamp that provided some elegance. It looked like from the early 1900's. There were several plants around the house, and a thin-mesh fish net hung from the ceiling in the living room. There was an old Persian rug on the floor. In the middle of the living room floor were located two large hukkas around which a large number of people were congregated at all times. The hukkas were nothing more than large laboratory flasks hooked up with rubber stoppers and rubber tubing to furnish cool drafts of marijuana. People took turns taking drags from the rubber tubes coming out like tentacles from the tops of the flasks. Others who did not use the flasks simply shared joints among many people by passing them around. Whichever method was used created the opportunity for making new friends. It was hard to avoid exchanging at least a few words in the process.
Perhaps there was a natural intimacy brought on by the oral sharing of the same rubber tube or cigarette. There was definitely a greater feeling of camaraderie from the awareness that they were all breaking a law. Moreover, it was a law that they considered stupid and irrational just like many others that they could point to. It was both frightening and exciting to know that there was a possibility--although a remote one--that they could all be busted and taken to jail together.
Small groups usually formed after a while, and many of the people would be open to engaging in quiet, reflective conversation. They would "rap" about any of several common topics of conversation. Among the subjects were Far Eastern religion, parapsychology, politics, music, and innovative books and movies such as Kurt Vonnegut's novels or 2001 Space Odyssey. There was often also frequent discussion about matters relating to personal needs and perceptions that reflected changes in values and attitudes. In the background, there was always music playing. There would be any of a variety of records being played, but often records would be played that would complement the mood. At times, people would want to dance and records with a good dance beat would be played. Soul music was the best type of music for this purpose. At other times when the mood was more quiet, there were certain records that were considered to fit the mood the best. One of the big favorites was "Ina Gadda da Vidda" by Iron Butterfly. Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band by the Beatles was a popular album as were Electric Ladyland by the Jimi Hendrix Experience and East-West by the Paul Butterfield Blues Band. There were lesser known groups that were often played like Quicksilver Messenger Service, H.P. Lovecraft, and Colosseum.
Richard started talking to Kathy while both were sitting by a flask, waiting for it to be refilled. She did not say very much, but she was responsive and showed warmth and an interest in talking. Richard talked about what he had been doing lately. He talked about his efforts to get a job and some of the funny experiences he had gone through in job searches and interviews. "I guess I'm not that eager to get a job," he said. "Actually all of the ones I've found aren't all that great. I'd be afraid that after a while I'd be bored to death. For the meantime, I can at least collect unemployment." Richard talked briefly about Vietnam, but he didn't want to go into unpleasant details he knew nobody would want to hear.
Kathy started talking more. She talked about her job at the fast food restaurant. "It's not a bad place to work. It can get pretty busy sometimes, like around lunch time, but sometimes it's so slow it's real boring. Most of the people I work with are nice and a lot of fun, so we make the time pass quickly."
She went on to talk about why she had left her home in Kinsley. "It was so dull. Everybody just seemed to want to get married after they got out of high school. The boys wanted to quickly find jobs and start making money. Nobody thought very much about doing anything out of the ordinary. It seemed that they were just content to fall into a rut the rest of their lives. Even in high school they went along with everything that the principal and teachers had to say. They might sometimes nag about certain rules like the ones against long hair and unacceptable clothes like blue jeans, but they never really did anything about it when they had a chance to. I had some friends, and we protested against a lot of that garbage, but it was just a few of us that stuck our necks out. Everybody else didn't want to bother. The kids in the student government should have really been doing a lot about that kind of thing, but they wanted to stay in good with the teachers. The whole town was so conservative. There wasn't anything to do. The newspaper always seemed to be attacking anything that was very new, and like just a few people owned most of the businesses in town."
Kathy's friend came up to tell her about a beach party that a group of people were starting to plan. They moved over to join the planning for the party. After some discussion, it was definitely decided that everyone would meet at the beach in Malibu at about 3 the next day. Someone mentioned they would bring volleyball equipment. Everyone was to bring whatever they wanted to eat and drink. Everybody was very eager and excited about it. Richard and George went together to the beach. A much larger number of people showed up than anybody expected. There were about 60 people at all times. Some of those present had been at the party, but many others were friends who had come along. Kathy came with one of her roommates and a friend. Most of the people were friendly and open. Everyone was in good spirits and enjoying themselves. There were several lively volleyball games, and there were a couple of vans that provided music through their powerful speakers. People exchanged food and beer and wine. There was plenty of marijuana around to smoke and joints were passed around often. No one was afraid of any police busts, but they were careful anyway.
The party went right on going strong right into the night's darkness. It got dark late because of the long summer days. Richard made several new friends both at the party and at the beach; however, much of his time was spent with Kathy. The two played volleyball and frisbee, they talked and giggled, ate and drank. Richard thought about how he had always been attracted by 18-year-old girls. They walked around on the beach. Well after it had become dark, they went on a long walk northward along the beach. It was after 1 o'clock. Kathy's friends had just left after Richard promised to take her home.
Kathy and Richard were tired. They had also drunk considerably and had just finished smoking some real good dope. They were feeling relaxed but very awake and aware of their altered bodily sensations and visual perceptions. Richard had his arm around Kathy as they walked. She felt warm and very real to his touch, but it was a different sensation from what he normally felt. She felt very solid to him as if she were made from one single, homogenous material. It was still a very pleasurable sensation. She in turn felt full of very warm and pleasurable sensations. The beach was almost completely deserted now. It would have been hard to see except that there was a large, yellow moon out over the ocean.
To Kathy and Richard, all the things around looked slightly different from the normal. Nothing looked distorted or grotesque in any manner. The difference was that there was a more distinct sharpness in the sensual impressions they received. The sensations were filled with an other worldly intensity. They at once looked very solid and then almost at the same time appeared to be lying only on a two dimensional space. The huge moon looked as if it were ready to explode from the pregnant mass that it held, and then at times it looked like an enormous plate of gold suspended in a dark, dimensionless room. The ocean waters looked like a thin sheet with the moonlight dancing on the waves. Yet, it looked like one could easily walk on those waves as far as one desired. The sand felt densely solid underneath. It seemed to extend for millions of miles beneath. Ahead, it looked like a thin, fragile sheet of paper upon which every step would have to be taken very carefully. The sound of the gliding ocean waves was extra clear and distinct. Richard noticed that through his imagination he could exercise almost complete control over whether he perceived the surrounding objects as solid or fragile. It was really his imagination--he thought--which was making the different unusual perceptions, and it was only being aided by the effects of the marijuana.
Several times along the way, Richard and Kathy stopped to caress and kiss each other intensely. Finally, they fell to the ground in a trance of passion. There was no one else in sight. They kissed and rolled in the sand in a ravenous hunger for physical gratification. Richard then very naturally took off her halter top. She offered no resistance. He next slowly removed her cut off jeans, and she still said nothing. He realized he liked her and had enjoyed himself very much that day. He found her attractive, but he didn't think it was love that he felt, not yet at least. He had always before been concerned about birth control, but this time it barely crossed his mind. He didn't feel like worrying about it this time. What they were about to do just seemed like very natural. She wasn't sure she was in love either, but what she was feeling was without a doubt deliriously pleasant. And it was so romantic in this setting, in Malibu, in California. She wouldn't miss this for anything in the world. She remembered that she had no means of birth control, but she didn't care. She was sure in her mind that she wouldn't get pregnant. Going through with this delightful experience was the next inevitable step. The full golden moon was lingering over the Pacific waters.
The people that Richard got to meet at the party were not only involved in smoking marijuana frequently, but they also used other drugs. It was through them that Richard got to first experiment with mescaline and then LSD. His first trip with LSD was not as frightening as he had heard it was supposed to be from people and from the media. Neither was it the wondrous and ineffable adventure that its proponents like Timothy Leary had claimed. His friends also liked going to rock concerts often and there were many good ones to attend. There seemed to be at least one widely known band in L.A. each week, and Richard went often with his friends. Sometimes he took Kathy along but not always. The best experience he had at a concert was one time that he went to see the Grateful Dead. They had just smoked some very potent grass. Richard was enthralled by their song, "Dark Star."
Richard also often dropped over at the house where most of his new friends lived. It was the house where the party had been given. There were five people who lived in the house, Becky Friedman, Glenda Fong, Sheila Cates, Bob Farnsworth, and Tony O'Leary. They were all students at UCLA except for Tony who was a recent graduate and was working as a computer programmer. There were other people like Richard who went to the house to visit. There were often discussions on any number of currently popular subjects. Everyone seemed well informed on political and social events. There was no romantic involvement between any of those living in the house. It had simply happened that they were the first five to find the house and decide to live together.
They would often talk about various issues including such things as the defense industry and American support of dictatorships around the world like Marcos in the Philippines, King Faisal in Saudi Arabia, and the Shah of Iran. Richard listened attentively but he said very little because he was not as well informed. He knew he was behind in understanding current events, and he wanted to get up to date on information. He enjoyed listening to the discussions. Even though everyone pretty much agreed, the conversations were still exciting because everyone got emotionally involved in the issues as they talked, especially Becky and Bob. Becky would appear clearly indignant at times. Richard actually found her attractive when she got mad.
One day they got together to march in a nationwide protest called the Moratorium. Protest marches had been called by antiwar organizers for this day, October 15, 1969, for every town and city across the United States. Thousands responded. There were marches at different times of the day and night. In many places, leaflets were passed out or discussions were begun. For example, a group of students caught an early commuter train going northward to San Francisco and talked to the riders about the opposition to the war. A businessman responded to a Stanford student, "Our country right or wrong."
The student responded, "That's right, but you didn't finish it, sir.
The rest is: 'When it is right, keep it right. When it is wrong, make it right.'"
The man turned away and mumbled, "Traitor."
Along with Richard and his new friends, there was Ralph and a 51-year-old man named Dan Wine who was a friend of the students. He looked all of 51, but his clothes were those of a twenty-year-old hippie. He wore old, worn-out, faded blue jeans, a blue prison shirt and hiking boots. Today, as he often did, he was wearing a claw necklace. He was warm, soft-spoken, and articulate. He was reflective and never responded to important questions from other people with a poorly considered or superficial remark. Dan had moved out to California to start a new life in 1960. He found that jobs weren't that much easier to find than they had been in Philadelphia. He was able to work for a time as a substitute teacher. Then he decided to open a small bookstore of his own. It was hard at first, but he was eventually able to turn it into a gainful operation. He also dealt in many used books because he hated to think that many old books were wasted by lying around or getting thrown away. It was not a booming operation by any means, but it was enough to give him a satisfactory living by his standards. Dan had two deep creases in his forehead that suggested hardships in his past, but his bright eyes were a contrast with their glint of excitement about life.
There were many people at the march, and they weren't just young students. There were older people marching today who often were old enough to have children in college. Some of the older men wore suits or at least ties. They were friendly with all the young people, who still constituted the majority of those present, but they were sedate and appeared more studiedly serious. Most of the young were just as serious, but their energy and joviality camouflaged much of their earnestness. There were a number of entire families marching together, most of them were young families with small children. There were signs and posters scattered all around the crowd with the names of organizations or with various questions and requests related to ending the war. There was one sign that read, "If we were able to reach the moon, why can't we stop this Hideous War." Everywhere--on signs and on people--could be seen the popular peace symbol ✇ .
Richard and Ralph were a little off to themselves at the beginning and away from the others in the group. "Kathy had to work today," mentioned Richard, "but she probably wouldn't have wanted to come anyway."
"Are you still seeing Kathy?" queried Ralph.
"Yeah, off and on. I don't see her real often, but we still do things together."
"I guess that means you must like her all right."
''Well, you know, that's something that I've been thinking about lately. I like her; I like her company and all. I mean, she's a great kid and all, you know, but I can't say I love her, and I don't know that I ever would get real crazy about her. And then what bothers me is that she seems to like me a bit too much, you know, compared to what I feel. Hell, she hasn't come out and actually told me that she's madly love, so I may be wrong, but she certainly acts like it. She's told me, for one thing, that she's not at all interested in going out with other guys, and she doesn't seem real comfortable that I haven't made the same commitment. She hasn't pressed me real hard on it, but she does ask why I have any interest in seeing other girls. She's also often laying lavish praises on me and in a way that doesn't make it seem like if she's just mildly interested."
"You sure it's not just your ego that makes you think that she's all that in love with you? It could be that you just like the idea that someone is madly in love with you. A thing like that does lift up our pride and spirit, even if we don't feel that much about that person.''
"No, I don't think I'm exaggerating. I've thought about it a lot, trying to be sure that I just wasn't getting carried away with myself. I really think it's true. She might not be madly in love, but I think she sees it as a much deeper relationship than I do."
"You don't see it as a very serious thing, or of even having the possibility of getting serious."
"No, I really don't. I like Kathy sure enough. I like a lot of her personal qualities. She's very nice and supportive in many ways. I mean, shit, she's not like a lot of girls her age that are just into themselves and into seeing who's going to pay the most attention to them, you know. She often asks me how I'm feeling and she seems concerned, and I don't think it's phony. It's sincere. She's not worried about hiding her emotions whatever they might be. You know, she's pretty open. She'll show it when she's happy, but she'll also show it when she's mad. I like that. I like people who will let you know what they think and feel, instead of someone that you're never sure of as far as what they think."
"Do you think she's very smart?" asked Ralph.
"No, quite frankly she's not. There's a lot of things she's not even aware of that I would expect she would be, but I suppose that's really more of a matter of being naive than a matter of intelligence. Still, I think there's ways in which it seems that she's just not that bright. I mean, like there's things that I explain to her and she doesn't catch on very quick. Then there's funny ideas she has or dumb things that she does that just don't make sense, and she can't give very good reasons for doing them. She just sort of does them without giving it much thought. The one thing that I think I most like about her is that she often seems so lively and excited about doing things. She seems really excited to be alive. She seems optimistic about almost everything and ready to tackle whatever comes along. That sort of attitude tends to pick me up, too. That's one reason I still like seeing her. I think it's got a lot do with her age. A lot of girls that age seem to be real lively and exuberant."
"Yeah, I think you're right. I've noticed that myself. They're a lot more light and exciting, but at the same time, they can be pretty off the wall, too. I mean, you know, they can be more unpredictable and do stupid things on impulse."
"That's right. You've got a definite point there," Richard mentioned reflectively.
"Shit, it sounds like she's got a lot to like and you can see those good qualities in her."
"That's right, I know, but that's just it--it doesn't mean I love her--well, at least not much. You know there's just not the spark that you expect to feel. At least, what I like to feel. You know what I mean? I mean, I like to see some electricity. You know? That's the way I've felt it when I've fallen in love before, and I know I don't feel it now. Like I say, there's not just the electricity."
"Maybe it'll come along later. Maybe you can't expect it to be there right away all the time like it was before." "Yeah, that could be. I've thought about it. I've been waiting for it to happen for a while, but it doesn't seem like if the feeling is even beginning to come. I just don't think it will ever come. Somehow I think I can at least be pretty sure about that ahead of time. I mean, I think I can predict pretty well ahead of time what will probably happen, and in this case, I just feel the chances are pretty slim of my ever feeling anything deep."
"Well, like I said before, you could wait and see how your feelings for her develop, but actually it sounds like you've already done that and it just hasn't happened."
"Yeah, exactly. Maybe it could still change but I doubt it."
"And you don't feel right feeling that maybe you're just leading her on."
"Yeah, yeah, that's it," said Richard, raising his voice slightly with excitement as if he had wanted but had not been able before this time to articulate that thought precisely. "I just don't feel completely comfortable."
"Well, then maybe you should stop seeing her or at least just see her once in a while and make it clear you're not that serious."
"Yeah, I've thought of that, but the hassle is that, goddamn it, I still find her sexy. And, you know, I haven't found anybody else that I particularly like, so I hate to drop her. Like I said, she's O.K. as company. And, of course, there's always other considerations. I mean, you know what they say, a guy's got to have a shot o' leg one in a while. You know, it's hard--just like that--to give up a good piece." He smiled at Ralph devilishly as Ralph returned an understanding grin.
They joined the others and walked and talked together for a while. They were in a light mood for the moment and consequently poked fun at Nixon, the Army, the draft, politicians, etc. Later, Richard and Dan Wine started talking. Dan was interested in how difficult it was for a returning soldier to become readjusted to civilian life. He asked incisive questions that no one had asked Richard before. Richard wasn't very sure what to answer because he had not given very much thought to many of the points Dan was touching upon. One thing that impressed Richard about the questioning by Dan was that he seemed very genuinely concerned--both about Richard as an individual and about the troubles that other veterans felt when returning from the war. There were so many others who asked questions but who seemingly did it only out of a desire to make conversation. They really didn't seem that eager to know what had really happened or to find out what, if anything, to do about it.
Dan, like Bob Farnsworth, was perplexed to realize that the United States was deeply entangled in supporting tyrannical governments and their wealthy aristocracies around the world and not just in South Vietnam. Eventually, the conversation became involved with this question, which had lately been uppermost in Dan's mind.
"There's another very important phenomenon that explains why we can so quietly and easily go along. This is simply that our social structure isn't really that much different from theirs. I mean we, too, definitely have an aristocracy in this country that controls a disproportionate amount of wealth and power. They've been called the 'superrich.' The radicals call them the 'ruling class.' Veblen called them the 'leisure class.' They have a great deal of influence on business and government."
Dan discussed the various ways that the wealthy used their power and also pointed out that many people would say that the ''American aristocracy" wasn't as bad as in other countries because there was more upward mobility. He argued that this still didn't mean the social structure was just and that it seemed to be getting more disproportionate everyday. Richard listened with interest. He didn't say very much because he had never given very much thought to what Dan was discussing. He had some doubts about what Dan was saying, but for the most part he found it made much sense.
Dan continued, "As for the argument about equal opportunity, it's really a joke. The children of the wealthy start out way ahead of everybody else, and it's hard to catch up with them. You and I might be able to get Federal educational loans to go to college or something like that, but that's nothing compared to the direct help that the superrich receive. Hell, if they really meant what they say about equal opportunity, there would be a steep inheritance tax that would only allow a small amount to be inherited. It would more clearly provide equal opportunity for all. Even then, however, rich children would have a definite advantage because of all the benefits they would receive while their parents were alive."
The march that Richard and his friends were in was peacefully concluded as were the rest of the marches throughout the country. In Gloucester Township, New Jersey, a high school girl and boy, both 17, parked their car in a secluded "lovers lane." They closed the windows, started the engine, and channeled the exhaust fumes into the car with a vacuum cleaner hose. Their bodies were later found along with 24 suicide notes written to parents, teachers, and friends. The notes stated that the two students were against the war, that they were unhappy over world conditions, and that they hoped people would learn from their deaths.
Richard and Kathy had just finished eating dinner at her apartment.
This night of November 3rd was a day off, and she invited Richard to her apartment to eat. Both of her roommates had gone out for the evening and would not be back until late.
"We've got the place all to ourselves," Kathy pointed out with a cheerful smile.
"Hey, you're right," he said as they sat down in the sofa in the living room. "Are you sure they'll be away all night." "Yeah, I'm sure."
Richard drew close to her and started to caress her. He than began to kiss her, and they kissed for several minutes.
"You want to smoke some weed?" she interrupted.
"Sure," he replied. She got up and went to get the marijuana. In the meantime, he got up and turned on the television set. She came back and rolled a few joints.
"Hey, Nixon is supposed to be making a speech in a little while," he said.
"Man, it's a good thing I thought about smoking this weed," she said calmly. "I don't think I'd be able to take him straight." She lit up, took a deep drag, and passed it to him.
"You got a point there."
NIXON (beginning his speech) Good evening, my fellow Americans.
Tonight I want to talk to you on a subject of deep concern to all Americans and to many people in all parts of the world, the war the Vietnam.
I believe that one of the reasons for the deep division about Vietnam is that many Americans have lost confidence in what their Government has told them about our policy.
RICHARD I wonder if he's really got anything new to talk about.
KATHY This marijuana isn't bad, is it?
RICHARD No, I'm starting to feel something already. (They had just finished one joint, and Kathy was now lighting up another one.) Where did you score this tea?
KATHY My roommate Paula got it the other day. I guess it's pretty fresh.
NIXON The great question is: How can we win America's peace?
RICHARD Man, that's a funny phrase--"win America's peace." It sounds more like he's talking about winning the war. (In a little while, they finished the second cigarette. Richard drew close to Kathy and started kissing her behind the neck. After a while he was kissing her passionately all over the neck and face. She in turn was quickly becoming aroused and excitedly running her hands all over his back.)
KATHY Do you feel that marijuana makes you more amorous? I've heard people say that it's supposed to.
RICHARD I don't know. I haven't noticed much difference. Of course, I'm always feeling amorous.
KATHY (laughingly) That's no lie. (They were kissing and caressing more and more passionately. Before long, Richard started unbuttoning her blouse. He moved rapidly and then went on to slip off her pants. They rolled from the sofa onto the floor. They stayed on the floor as Richard hastily took off his clothes with help from Kathy. The floor was covered with a thick, soft carpet. Each one ran his hands over almost every part of the other's body. Richard concentrated on Kathy's thighs. He rubbed every inch of them slowly with his hands. He also tried rubbing his thighs against hers. She enjoyed it thoroughly. He took some pillows that were on the sofa and put them on the floor so that she could lie on top of them.)
NIXON The policy of the previous Administration not only resulted in our assuming the primary responsibility for fighting the war, but even more significant did not adequately stress the goal of strengthening the South Vietnamese so that they could defend themselves when we left. The Vietnamization plan was launched following Secretary Laird's visit to Vietnam in March. Under the plan, I ordered . . . .
KATHY (with a mischievous smile on her face) You know we really should be listening to this speech by the President of the United States.
RICHARD You're right, we should. It's our patriotic duty. (He now had her left tit cradled in both of his hands as she lay on her left side. He then continued sucking it. Their legs were intertwined. After a while, he began to slowly and gently caress her vulva. After that he very gently caressed her clitoris. Periodically, he would press it gently with his middle finger and gently move it from side to side. She had her eyes closed and was apparently enjoying it very much. He played with her clitoris for several minutes.)
NIXON Today we have become the strongest and richest nation in the world, and the wheel of destiny has turned so that any hope the world has for the survival of peace and freedom will be determined by whether the American people have the moral stamina and the courage to meet the challenge of free-world leadership. (Richard knew now that it was all right to enter Kathy. He positioned himself to go into her.)
NIXON So tonight, to you, the great silent majority of my fellow Americans, I ask for your support. (Richard was able to enter slowly, gently, and steadily. Kathy clasped his shoulders tightly with her hands in passion.)
NIXON Let us be united for peace. Let us also be united against defeat. Because let us understand--North Vietnam cannot defeat or humiliate the United States. Only Americans can.
Fifty years ago, in this room, and at this very desk, President Woodrow Wilson spoke words which caught the imagination of a war-weary world. He said: "This is the war to end wars."
(Richard began slowly but was now gradually accelerating the rate of his thrusts. Kathy would slowly and ecstatically moan from time to time.)
NIXON I have initiated a plan which will end this war in a way that will bring us closer to that great goal to which Woodrow Wilson and every American President in our history has been dedicated--the goal of a just and lasting peace.
(Richard was hoping he could sustain his erection as long as possible.)
NIXON . . . . mindful of your concern, sustained by your prayers.
Thank you.
They would probably get there around 3 A.M. The drive from Los Angeles was supposed to take about 8 hours. The place where the concert was going to be held was supposed to be near a racetrack, the Altamont Racetrack. It was near Tracy. Ironically, there was a current song hit about a girl with the same name. In the darkness of the night, it was hard to see very much of the fields and farms through which they were passing, but there were occasional glimpses of houses silhouetted against the velvety black, endlessly expanding sky. Most of the houses were dark, but there were many with lights shining through the windows, evidence that their inhabitants were still awake. It was the lights and reflections on the freeway that offered the most intriguing sights to the observer in the right frame of mind. Being stoned, like some of the riders in the car were, helped. There were periodic flashes and reflections of light from different sources and directions--from cars, signs, stripes, and markers. There were the ever present highway signs all along the way, and the large freight trucks rumbling steadily to their destinations as was their practice every night on the nation's highways.
"Long Time Gone" by Crosby, Stills, and Nash was playing on the car radio. The tone of the song was one of dejection mixed with subdued anger. It was typical of the smooth, polished style of the group.
And it appears to be a long, appears to be a long,Appears to be a long
Time, such a long, long time before the dawn.
They were riding in Wayne Fulmer's car. Wayne was Sheila Cates's boyfriend. Bob Farnsworth and Becky Friedman were also in the car. Sheila was their roommate. Richard and Marvin Jackson were the other two people in the car going to Altamont.
Sheila had been a UCLA student for two years but had not returned to school this fall. She had become bored with school not knowing why she was there and what she wanted to do with a college degree. She was bright and articulate but not very interested in the regimentation offered by daily attendance at college classes. She now wanted to try to support herself by selling the jewelry--mostly turquoise--that she enjoyed making so much. She found that she received great satisfaction from constructing something with her hands. She knew it wouldn't be easy and that she could never expect to make very much money, but she had decided that money really didn't matter that much to her. She had thought about it and calculated that she would never need very much money to live on. She didn't go for luxuries, and she didn't need a fancy home to live in. She was determined, however, to give selling her jewelry a real try. She had met Wayne last August.
Wayne had been in the Air Force until last year. He didn't have any work at the present time, but he liked to work in construction whenever there was a job to be found. He was trying to save money, but he found it hard to do. He planned to save enough money to be able to go live in a commune. He wanted to go out to live in a commune in New Mexico where he had some friends.
There were about a dozen people in the commune. They were trying to become a completely self-sufficient little community. They were trying to farm and make their own clothes and furniture. They were having a hard time. Only one person knew how to make furniture, and she was trying to teach the others. A few people knew about making clothes, but they didn't know very much. No one had ever done any farming before. Twenty people had been in the commune when it was formed, but several had left tired and disappointed.
Wayne knew about the problems, but he was still determined to go out there. He had told Sheila, "I'm just sick and tired of L.A. I mean living in a city and all. It's just a drag, you know. I think it'd really be outta sight to live in a commune, away from all the smog and traffic jams everyday."
"I know it'd be nice to get away from all the bullshit," replied Sheila. "A lot of people are doing it. It's a lot of work, though."
"I know we could make it, Sheila. It's possible. I know something about building houses. That could come in handy."
Marvin Jackson was riding in the back seat with Richard and Bob. Marvin was a tall and wiry black. He was a student at Los Angeles City College and had known Bob since high school. Marvin was tired of school just as Sheila was, but he didn't have much choice but to stay in school. If he dropped out, he knew he would be drafted soon afterward, so he stayed in and suffered through it as best he could. He liked some of his courses especially the psychology courses, of which he had taken several. Some of the material in the psychology textbooks was not very interesting--the material that was often referred to as "rat psychology." What caught Marvin's fancy more was the subject matter that dealt directly with individual behavior and emotions. He liked to find out about what made people tick, including himself.
The news was being given on the radio. There was a report on the recent developments relating to the killing of two members of the Black Panther Party in Chicago. The killings had occurred several days before. It had been reported at the time that the incident had occurred when the Chicago police had gone to the apartment where several Black Panthers were living. The police had gone because of a report that the Black Panthers were storing guns and ammunition in the apartment. The police said that they had knocked on the door and had been refused entry. Instead shots had been fired from the apartment. The police fired back and the two Panthers were killed in the melee.
The radio report now announced, "The Black Panthers and their lawyers are claiming that the police never knocked but instead broke into the apartment without warning. They claim that the police came in shooting and that one of the slain men was actually shot in his sleep."
BECKY (in consternation) Jesus, wouldn't be surprised if that was true. Those police in Chicago really are pigs.
SHEILA (angrily) Goddamn 'em.
BECKY Man, I still remember the way it was in Chicago last year.
WAYNE (cynically) Even if they find out that the police really just broke in like that, what are they going to do?
BECKY Nothing.
MARVIN They won't do anything, and the shit's gonna get worse before it gets any better. I heard some brothers think that Nixon is behind a plan to wipe out the Black Panther Party. I don't know how they think he's doing it, but I guess it could be through the F.B.I. or something.
SHEILA (after a moment of silence) Hey, have you heard about that thing that happened in some place called My Lai?
BOB Yeah.
SHEILA About some American platoon or company that shot a bunch of Vietnamese women and children. And they didn't have any good reason to do it at all. They just did it like that.
MARVIN How many people are they saying got shot?
SHEILA They don't know for sure. They're estimating anywhere from 100 to 500 people. Hey, Rich, you were there in Vietnam. Do you think that really could have happened?
RICHARD (slowly and reflectively) Yeah, it's possible. You know, that company was near where I was. I heard about that company when I was out there. I mean, I heard about the company itself. I never heard of that massacre. But I can believe that kind of thing happening. You get to really be suspicious of everybody because you know that not everybody is on your side. I never heard of anything that big, but I saw some civilians get shot. (Richard didn't feel like going into details about the incidents he had seen in Vietnam. He was feeling a little drowsy from the long ride, and didn't feel emotionally up for talking about his combat experiences. Besides, he wasn't sure anyone really wanted to hear the gory details. He wondered if there was any use in recounting them.)
BECKY I bet there are plenty of civilians that get shot--accidentally and not so accidentally. And it's happened in every war, even if they don't want to admit it. Have you heard about this new novel, Slaughterhouse Five.
BOB That's by Kurt Vonnegut, isn't it?
BECKY Yeah. It tells about the firebombing of Dresden by the Allies in World War II. Supposedly, there wasn't any important strategic reason for bombing the city. There were only civilians--and the Allies knew it. They bombed it anyway, probably just out of vindictiveness. 150,000 people were supposed to have been killed. In less than an hour, they arrived at the scene where the concert was to be held. There were many cars that had already arrived with people now sleeping both inside and beside them. Wayne and Sheila stayed in the car to try to sleep a little before morning. Everybody else got out of the car to try to sleep on the ground. They had brought blankets. About 50 feet away, there was a couple in a sleeping bag. It was obvious by their movements that they weren't asleep yet. Becky brought her sleeping bag. As Richard tried to fall asleep, he thought about how he would have liked to be in Becky's sleeping bag with her. He found her sexy. It was a tight sleeping bag, and it would have made their bodies rub together very nicely. At first, he had not been very attracted to her because he had found her too abrasive. After some time, he found her more interesting. Nevertheless, she didn't seem to think very much of him in a romantic sense. He could sense it. She was cold toward him. Besides, she had recently started seeing some guy on a regular basis. Richard heard that she often went over to her new boy friend's apartment and spent the night with him.
In the morning, thousands more people started to arrive. Richard and the others moved to a better place for seeing the concert. The concert was to start in the morning, and it would end around sundown. There were lights for seeing after it became dark, but the concert was nevertheless supposed to be for only one day. It would not last the way Woodstock the previous August had gone on for 3 days. The field became packed with people. People seemed to go out of their way to be friendly and "mellow." It was apparent that most people were aware of a general desire to make the day a pleasant, memorable experience. Persons smiled at each other readily even though they were complete strangers. There were some attempts to engage in commercial trade by a few individuals. The items being sold were not the usual ones found in most stores. There were some individuals trying to sell LSD and other hard drugs. Later on, a medical station was set up for those who overdosed, or O.D.'d as it was commonly called.
A boy came up to Wayne, "You want to buy some reds, man. I got some good stuff."
There were a few people who brought an assortment of homemade jewelry and leather goods and set them up on display. Sheila exclaimed, "Hey, look, I could have brought my stuff to try to sell."
Wayne answered, "It would've been too much hassle."
"You're right," admitted Sheila, "besides, it doesn't look like they're getting very much sold."
It was more common to see people sharing a few things like blankets, sandwiches, and marijuana. The smell of marijuana permeated the air. People were dressed in all different kinds of clothes. Most of them wore blue jeans that looked well worn. There was a wide variety of shirts. The most prevalent were the blue shirts that were known as work shirts or prison shirts. There were some flower print and paisley print shirts, cotton peasant shirts, sweat shirts, striped polo shirts, common everyday shirts, and military shirts. The military shirts had in many cases been bought in used clothing stores, like those of the Salvation Army or in Army surplus stores. Many of the military shirts still had all the insignias intact that had been put on them in the service.
Richard wondered why people who wore those shirts left the patches on. He personally didn't think it was a bad idea to wear old military shirts, but he couldn't see leaving the insignias on them. He didn't want to be reminded of the military that much. There was also something about it that seemed very ironic. He was certain that most of those who were wearing those old service shirts would heartily admit that they were against war and militarism. Yet, they wore military shirts that looked exactly as they did when they were worn by soldiers. It seemed to Richard that they would want to remove as many of the traces of the military as possible from the shirts. There were also many military type jackets--Army field jackets, Navy pea coats, parkas, dress uniform Army jackets, long overcoats. There were jean jackets, Western suede leather jackets with fringe, and a few black leather motorcycle jackets.
On feet were worn Army combat boots and jungle boots, hiking boots, high riding boots, Wellington boots, and dark brown, suede leather boots. There were cowboy hats, straw hats, leather flattop Western hats, bandanas, head bands, simple necklaces and bracelets of various kinds. The girls dressed essentially the same as the boys, so much so that only a small minority were wearing bras. Hardly any women could be spotted with skirts or dresses on. There were some young mothers and fathers who had carried their young children on small cribs on their backs, papoose style.
The first band finally began to play. Several bands were supposed to play including the Jefferson Airplane, Santana, and the Flying Burrito Brothers. Everyone cheered the beginning of the concert. The main attraction was the Rolling Stones. They were supposed to play last. The people in Richard's group were in a jovial mood. The music was low enough and they were sitting far enough away that they could talk.
SHEILA Wow, isn't this far out with all these people here. Look at all the people!
BOB God, this is great. All these people just coming together like this. I wonder if it's going to become a thing of the future, I mean like a permanent American institution--mass, outdoor rock concerts.
MARVIN I don't know, man. Did you hear about that concert in Florida not too long ago, where the governor had a bunch of people arrested for drugs. He said something about how he was against having any concerts in his state.
WAYNE Yeah, there's a lot of old fogies that are against them. They're just jealous because they can't have the same kind of fun. They're just rigid and crusty.
RICHARD They're afraid of people enjoying too much pot and sex.
MARVIN There's also the problem that they have to put out a lot of money to set up the concert. It's not easy to get it back. Like here they aren't charging any admission at all.
SHEILA I just can't get over having all these people out here for a concert, and everybody's real mellow and loose and friendly. It really does seem like the beginning of something new--some new age or something. Like people will just put a greater importance on togetherness from now on.
BECKY I was just thinking about that. Yeah, that's what this sort of thing means. All of these people corning and being together right here symbolize a new attitude of togetherness and unity. It shows that people are willing to just . . . . come out here and be happy and enjoy each other's company and the outdoors and the music. Everybody has come out dressed looking just plain poor and simple. Nobody is trying to show off or put anybody down like your average middle class, suburban creep. People here just aren't into money and status and all that bullshit.
WAYNE Ah, shit, people here aren't thinking about all those things. They're just here to have a good time.
BOB That's true, but Sheila and Becky are also right in what they're saying. Most people haven't stopped to think it out but that's what they're feeling. That's what's motivating them--new attitudes.
RICHARD Well, it's obvious that this kind of thing is very different from your average suburban cocktail party where everybody is dressed up and straight.
Everyone in the group became quiet and just listened to the music. Richard listened for a while and then began thinking about what had been said about the new attitudes of young people. Richard agreed that there was a "new consciousness" as he liked to think of it. It seemed clear to him that there had been a definite change in behavior and beliefs. Many people were keenly aware of a need for more love, openness, and tolerance. They were more friendly and appeared more full of vitality and happiness.
Richard then looked around. He looked at people's faces. Most of them were serious and attentively listening to the music. They had the intense expression of concentration. Richard looked again, however. He felt he saw something more in those facial expressions. Perhaps, it was merely a reflection of his own inner conflicts and preoccupations, but he thought he saw a certain amount of anxiety and discomfort in those faces. It occurred to him that people were coming to these kinds of events and, in other ways, seeking greater community with one another in order to try to be happy. In many ways, they were still weighed down by old attitudes and fears that were difficult to overcome quickly and completely. Almost all of them had after all been brought up in those middle class environments that they now made so much fun of. In addition, there were all the alienating, divisive forces that had plagued the society in the last few years. Disagreements pitted not only different social groups against each other, but often created great discord among family members. There was a new consciousness in many people, but they were still only a small minority. The vast majority was not here at this concert and did not care very much to attend these concerts. The majority had not changed very much in its fundamental beliefs.
Richard thought back on his old Army friends as he sometimes did--somewhat obsessively. He didn't like to recall his Vietnam experience. He found it hard to relate it meaningfully to the rest of his life, yet he warmly remembered most of the guys he had known there. He hadn't seen or heard from any of them since he had gotten out of the Army and that was almost a year now. Still, he remembered them as if it were yesterday, and he was sure he always would. He wondered what they were doing now. For all he knew some of them might even be here. Richard imagined many would be much different, with long hair, old clothes, even drugs--quite a change from what they had looked like before. Surely, at least some of them weren't as patriotic as they had been while in the Army. They couldn't have helped but change to a certain degree. Being out of the Army helped, so did marijuana. Richard thought about Mangini and Werner. Mangini probably went to Woodstock. It wouldn't be surprising if he had long hair now, even though he used to put long hair down. He probably had a big motorcycle just like he said he would. Richard then realized! He still didn't know to this day whether Mangini had lived through the firefight in which he was badly wounded. Even if Mangini had lived through it, he could have come out crippled for the rest of his life. Richard wanted to know what had happened to Ron.
Carl Werner could have gone to Woodstock, too. It was really close to his home. He might not have been able to see, but he could certainly hear all the music. There was no reason why he couldn't have gone if he could have found someone to go with--someone who could help him out. Nevertheless, Richard calculated that Carl probably had not gone. He could see that it was hard for a blind person to get very enthusiastic about going to very many places. Blind people were probably too worried about being burdensome to other people, and too many people still felt uneasy and imposed upon. Richard knew that he wouldn't feel burdened to go along to a concert with Carl.
The memories of that unpleasant Christmas Day when Carl was blinded by the shrapnel came back to him. He remembered how the memory of Kennedy being shot had come back to him as he tried to hold Carl up. He had thought about that flash of memory several times since it happened. He had tried to figure out why his mind had made that connection between the two incidents. He wondered if there might not be some deep significance. He figured it was just a recollection that had by chance come to his mind at the time, just as it happens sometimes that one will have such flashbacks about incidents or personal experiences in the past. The association could have simply been that both incidents involved a violent injury to a person.
Richard now thought of one other plausible and more symbolic connection. The assassination of Kennedy had ended a period of hope and optimism for many people. The image of a young, charming, and energetic President had, perhaps unconsciously, created inflated dreams about peaceful and productive times to come. The country was standing at a New Frontier ready to attack and solve whatever problems were in the way. The murder of Kennedy abruptly ended that fantasy.
Richard found an analogy in that to the wounding of Carl. Richard had not had any great illusions that were shattered with the assassination of Kennedy--but the wounding of Carl right before his eyes marked a dramatic realization for him. His mind had been moving toward that realization for several months before that. When Carl was wounded and started screaming, it hit him fully that what he had been doing in Vietnam that entire year had been meaningless.
This now made him consider what this past year had meant to him since he had returned to the States. He hadn't worked at all. He was still collecting unemployment insurance. He could have taken some jobs, but he just didn't feel they were going to work out. He couldn't see himself fitting into them comfortably. He didn't feel bad about not having a job. That was the way it had worked out, and he didn't mind taking the time necessary to slowly readjust to civilian life.
What did make him feel bad was that he had not done very much in opposition to the war. He knew it would take some work, but he estimated that there were enough political and social forces in motion to bring an end to the war soon. Richard assumed that there were many disillusioned veterans like himself who would be coming back from Vietnam, not to "bring the war back home" as the more radical slogan advocated, but at least determined to inform their fellow countrymen that a serious mistake had been made in the Vietnam involvement. He knew that not all veterans would feel that way. The ones who did might not be able to articulate what they had perceived. He felt confident that there would still be an influential minority that would go far in turning the tide of public opinion. Many of those in this minority might not actually go out to protest and inform others out of their own initiative, but simply by recounting their experiences and perceptions, they would be able to motivate other people to organize a successful drive of opposition.
Richard realized those assumptions could be naive. Too many veterans like himself were simply doing nothing. He remembered trying to discuss the war with his father when he had first come home, but he had given up quickly and not tried very hard to get his father to at least listen. The only other people with whom he had discussed the matter were people who were already convinced about the wrongness of the war. He couldn't say that he hadn't had the time since he hadn't been employed. It was not that easy to convince people.
The Jefferson Airplane were now performing. They were singing "Volunteers" the title song to their new album. The song talked about starting a revolution. It seemed hard to take the words very seriously because that would only mean more violence, which is what was supposed to be avoided. Besides, the Vietnam problem didn't call for revolution. Most of the Airplane's music had a strong attraction. It was loud and powerful. The dominant sound was that of the electric guitar with the variety of sounds it could create. There was the strong, maddened, heavy sound of the bass. The lead guitar could create frenetic, quick-paced riffs, or medium-pitched, longing, sometimes plaintive sounds, or high-pitched, nervous, extended whines. The drums were always active throughout, while the vocals were usually forceful and intense. The volume was almost always very loud.
The music was abruptly interrupted. There had already been some interruptions. Whenever there was an interruption, it sounded like all the electric cords to the amplifiers or speakers were pulled. Nothing could be heard. "Those people around that stage must really be freaking out," exclaimed Bob. "They keep coming up on the stage." "That guy there with the binoculars," added Becky, "says somebody just got up on the stage and knocked down Marty Balin."
"Somebody is probably selling some bad acid," said Marvin.
"Just hope they don't have to cancel the concert," commented Richard in discouragement.
"Oh, shit," exclaimed Sheila, "don't say that."
Richard continued thinking with regret about what he had failed to do and tried to decide what could be done from now on. There were various alternatives from extreme to nearly futile. He could do something like join the Weathermen, the group that had recently been committing certain acts of violence like window breaking in protest against the war. The violence was not directed at people but rather at property. To date no one had been killed by any of those bombs. He could get involved in groups like the Resistance that helped those who wanted to avoid the draft. He supposed that ultimately he could even go to North Vietnam to fight on their side if he believed that their cause was just enough. He didn't think their cause was that worthy or that he was in any way willing to take the great risks that such an undertaking would involve.
Actually, he wasn't clear on why the war in Vietnam was wrong. He had realized that he wasn't that articulate about it. Many of the arguments that he heard opponents of the war make were general ones that concerned human suffering, death, and the destruction of Vietnamese society and property. They were forceful humanistic arguments, but any intelligent person who was not a complete pacifist would naturally want to hear specific arguments concerning the error of United States involvement. Sure war was terrible, but sometimes it was the only alternative. It was hard to find solid information on the history of United States entanglement in Indochina.
Richard had wanted to find a clear book or pamphlet that would set down sound political and legal reasons why the United States should not be in Vietnam. He also wanted to be fairly certain that the facts on which the arguments were based were true. To date he had not found any good literature that presented these arguments convincingly. He had found one or two paperback books on the subject, but they presented general discussions on the political situation. The answers that Richard wanted were probably in those books, but it would take considerable time to go through all the material to pick out the sound, formidable arguments against the war. Besides with all the legal terminology and necessary political background involved, it was hard to know when one had fallen upon a truly sound argument.
The leaflets and small pamphlets that were often circulated were not any better. They usually dealt with topics like the current plight and suffering of the Vietnamese population, the incompetence of the current Saigon regime, the dedication and moral rectitude of the Viet Cong, the defoliation of the Vietnamese countryside, the illegal use of American military technology such as the use of certain chemicals, the unfair superiority of American technology, the deaths of American boys, the economic costs of the war, and various other facts that were important to consider but didn't really reach the heart of the matter.
It was very much the same at antiwar rallies. Shocking facts were presented, and there were great impassioned speeches on the suffering and human costs, but they mainly did a good job of stirring the emotions. One certainly did not come away with the idea that one had learned sound arguments that the President and his men would find difficult to refute. What was even more discouraging was that, after most forums and rallies in which people became convinced that the Vietnam War was wrong and then asked what could be done, all the speakers could usually say was "Write to your Congressmen." Ultimately, people came away confused and disheartened because in many cases they had already written their Congressmen. Whether they had or not, they knew it would do little good.
In spite of his intellectual confusion, Richard still felt sure-that the Vietnam War was wrong. He was determined to work to end it, but he didn't honestly feel committed enough to do anything very drastic. He would certainly go to marches and rallies. He also wanted to try to find something new to do against the war that would be more effective, but he didn't have any idea what that would be.
Wayne pointed at a boy about 19 who could be seen running through the crowd several hundred feet away. Wayne smiled, "Looks like there goes another freak out." The boy looked heavily preoccupied in his own thoughts. He didn't pay much attention to the crowd. The crowd, in turn, didn't take much notice of him in spite of the fact that he was completely naked. He was carrying his clothes cradled in his arms.
The Rolling Stones had now come on stage. There was still violence on the stage. It looked like people were actually fighting on and around the stage. The music was still being interrupted. Mick Jagger would plead during the interruptions to the people around the stage that he didn't want to see the concert ended. He would implore, "Brothers and sisters, we're all brothers and sisters. We have to act like brothers and sisters."
Richard thought it was ironic to hear Jagger make his emotional entreaties when he had so often in his performances appeared as impish and satanic. It was the same Mick Jagger who had asked for "sympathy for the devil" in his song by that title. Richard thought about the impact of the Rolling Stones in the last five years. In his opinion, the Stones had wielded a more profound social impact than any other group including the Beatles. Only Bob Dylan could be said to have made similar impact.
There was no doubt that the Beatles had caught the attention and lifted the spirits of people around the world. They had always been superb and original musical craftsman. By contrast, the Rolling Stones had not been as musically original or explorative. Yet, their style--musically and otherwise--had been both product and catalyst of a social dissatisfaction prevalent at the time. Their sulky anger and disdainful drive helped to spark rebellious emotions in many young people and consequently helped to create a drive that demanded many changes. It was not a conscious process, especially since the Stones appeared apolitical. On the other hand, the Beatles had written songs that exulted drug-induced experiences, but their music hardly inspired political anger.
In fact in 1968, they came out with an antirevolutionary song "Revolution" that made them sound crusty and middle-aged. They seemed to miss the point that most contemporary so-called "revolutionaries" were not calling for armed rebellion but were more interested in changing people's attitudes by "blowing their minds." It really involved the Hippie concept of "revolution as theatre."
Richard listened to the music for a while, but his mind drifted back to his preoccupations. He also wondered what the other people were thinking about. He knew they hadn't been sitting there for several hours concentrating totally on the music. Their minds had to wonder to thoughts about their concerns and desires.
Richard came to the unpleasant realization that the war would not end soon. American ground troops might be gradually pulled out, but American airpower and technology would continue to be used. The American people's taxes would still pay for it. American involvement in the war would continue because Nixon had struck upon an important note--the "silent majority." Most of the members of a society usually had nothing to say. For the present, most of the American people would silently go along with the war. The prospect was discouraging to Richard, but he still thought it was necessary to continue to oppose the war. Without strong and vocal opposition, the war would drag on even longer. Furthermore, it was important to oppose wars in general. This attitude against war and violence and favoring love and peace was part of the new consciousness that people were developing and that hopefully would spread to the rest of society and the rest of the world. It was like a popular slogan Richard had seen earlier on someone's jacket: Make Love Not War.
Most of the audience had now stood up and was attentively listening to the music. The Stones were singing mostly songs they had released in the previous year and that had taken on a more ominous and sinister tone and sometimes touched on violence. They were songs like "Street Fighting Man," "Midnight Rambler," and "Gimme Shelter." The songs were paralleling the violence that was still going on around the stage. The concert, however, was not being interrupted anymore because the Rolling Stones had gotten members of the Hell's Angels to stand around the stage and prevent anyone from coming on. There were still scuffles going on between the Hell's Angels and people in the audience, but without the Angels, the concert might not have been able to go on.
Richard kept thinking about how it was important to eliminate dishonesty in business and corruption and unresponsiveness in government. It was necessary to change many unjust laws that restricted freedom unreasonably. He was convinced it was necessary to build a new society that was less exploitative, more honest, and more humanly oriented.
A boy of 20 came walking through the crowd. He was yelling, "Hey, anybody going to New Yawk? I need a ride to New Yawk. Anybody driving to New Yawk?" He looked Puerto Rican or Italian. He was dressed in a long, blue sorcerer's costume. He had small cloth stars sewn on it. His face was painted with stripes of red, white, and blue. His hair was long and stringy. He had a long string tied to a clump of hair near his forehead. The other end of the string was tied to a red balloon that was floating high in the air. He stopped and looked around. "Hey," he started yelling, "let's have a Fuck-in. Let's have a Fuck-in, everybody. Let's just all get naked and fuck." He paused for a moment. "Let's have a Fuck-in. Let's just have a big fuckin' orgy. Let's have a Fuck-in." He then went on walking and yelling the same requests as before. People looked up and smiled when they heard him. They weren't annoyed in any way. They didn't take up his suggestion, but they didn't mind hearing it. Richard figured that actually many of the people would have liked to take the guy's suggestion, but as he knew was true in his own case, they were held back by ingrained shyness.
Richard noticed that, five or ten years before, that kind of scene would have probably never taken place. Even now, most people would have been shocked by the boy's appearance and open suggestions. Yet, everyone here had taken it all with great calmness and tolerance. It was just that kind of tolerance and honesty that was so necessary in this world, Richard thought. That was another important change that was necessary in society, but Richard wondered what one person--what single individuals--could do to change the attitudes of everyone in general. One person really couldn't do that much by himself, but each person could do the best he could. Once enough people started living better lives, the influence would spread and a more enlightened society would gradually arise. Persons had to work in any way they could to correct social problems. Also a good society could not be successfully built if its individuals did not have happy and harmonious private relationships. Richard thought that a good slogan would be, "You have to be good in any possible way to your fellow beings."
A few days later, the news said it was estimated that attendance was 300,000. It was also reported that a man had been fatally stabbed in front of the stage by a Hell's Angel.
Richard had gotten to know Dan Wine better. Dan liked to talk, and Richard enjoyed listening to him to a certain extent. Dan had all kinds of little human interest stories to tell. He also had a variety of different theories on subjects like politics, society, and philosophy. Neither were his theories superficial or carelessly formulated. He read widely from good books and gave close consideration to the ideas he found. Richard liked Dan's conversation although sometimes he didn't understand the point Dan might be trying to make. At other times, Richard had trouble concentrating on his long discourses. Dan was also very open about his feelings and about his past. He had confided a few personal incidents from back then. Richard also felt comfortable to share some of his own concerns with Dan.
Richard felt sorry for Dan to a certain extent. He knew that Dan lived alone and had done so for a number of years except on several occasions when he had shared houses or apartments with other people. Richard was correct in imagining that Dan must have felt lonely and depressed at at times. He felt left out living alone. It seemed hard to have very many married friends because of the different interests of married and single people. That difference in interests didn't bother Dan so much, but it clearly seemed to affect most marrieds. They didn't seem very comfortable for the most part. They were often too busy with the children or with domestic concerns. At other times, it seemed to Dan that it was possible that the men might have felt insecure and jealous and therefore avoided any close friendship with a single male. There was also the feeling that many wives resented the carefree life of older single men and looked at such men as irresponsible and immature. As for the single people that he knew, it seemed that they were constantly becoming marrieds.
Yet, in spite of times when Dan felt down, he was happy and satisfied with his life, much more than many married men who were supposed to be contented and fulfilled. He had sought and found ways to keep his mind and body active. He liked to play tennis and handball. He also was mindful to seek out the companionship of other people even if it took special effort. Dan had told Richard all about what had happened to him in connection with his former Communist party membership and about the circumstances surrounding his divorce. He claimed it was a question of moral responsibility, "I'm not happy about the consequences like my wife leaving me, but if I had to, I would do it all over again. You've got to stand up for what you think is right, and sometimes that takes pain and sacrifice. There's too many people that are too willing to go along and take the easy way out."
It was a few days before Christmas. Dan and Richard went to a coffeehouse in Westwood near UCLA. It wasn't very big but it gave a good feeling. Individuals sometimes sang and played guitars. They would usually sing popular folk songs, but occasionally someone would present an original composition. Folk or rock groups would also perform. People would sometimes read poems, most of which were original. Dan also liked to write poetry and had read some of it in the coffeehouse. He was planning to read a new poem tonight that he had written recently. It had taken him some time to write it and he thought of it seriously. He was understandably nervous as he got up to a small stage in the front to read. He had a large audience as the coffeehouse was almost full. It was a political poem with historical allusions. Some of it sounded downright anti-American.
There were the sweat shops in the cities,With their ten-hour days and unsafe conditions.
There were the hard working coolies,
Thanked with the Chinese Exclusion Acts . . . .
After Dan finished, he was applauded loudly and enthusiastically. The people in the coffeehouse had listened attentively, which was not always done. Dan smiled modestly. He seemed satisfied but surprised with the response. He sat down.
RICHARD That was great. It was really good. It looks like everybody really liked it.
DAN I'm glad. I was afraid they wouldn't listen to it very closely.
RICHARD One thing that really helped was the way you read it. You really put a lot of feeling into it, and still, it sounded very real, very sincere.
DAN Well, I guess it really does strike me pretty deeply. I'm not sure about the ending. All this stuff is related to something else I've been thinking and reading a lot about lately, and that's the downfall of great societies. It's interesting that the ancients, especially the Romans, were very interested in why civilizations prospered and then disintegrated. They were interested in finding indications that Rome would be an exception.
I'm wondering whether historians might not have put too much emphasis on military and economic power in assessing the value of a society. I wonder if perhaps they haven't overlooked some very admirable and interesting societies simply because they were weak and lacked influence. I think it's much better to try to assess a society on the basis of standards of morality, internal cooperation, and creativity. Of course, it could very well be that there have hardly been any societies that have been great and at the same time economically weak. It's just possible that the big and powerful countries have just not allowed that to happen. A weak country that is continuously being overrun or dominated by more powerful countries is not going to be able to develop a very vigorous society.
RICHARD I'm thinking that Athens wasn't all that powerful militarily, especially in comparison with Sparta, and there are some countries in our own time that are not military powers but still have admirable societies. The best example is probably Sweden.
DAN Yeah, that's right. You know, one of the factors that contributed to the decline of the Roman Empire was the uneven distribution of wealth, and this isn't counting the slaves who naturally had almost nothing. Most of the population consisted of peasants who worked on the land. There were also many idle poor in tenements in Rome. There was a skewed distribution of wealth from the start, but the situation became progressively worse throughout the life of the Empire. The nobility and other large landowners simply continued to accumulate more and more. The Roman government tried to limit the size of latifundia, or big plantations, by law, but those laws were soon disregarded and were hard to enforce. The Gracchi brothers later tried to institute land reform and other plebeian-favoring measures, but both were killed by Senate-inspired revolts. The Senate, made up of the nobility, simply did not want its power and wealth threatened. They continued to grow prosperous and began building lavish villas for vacationing on the coasts. There is also some evidence of a balance of payments problem. This was probably caused in part by the wealthy who demanded imported items, which were usually luxuries.
Rome also had something of a welfare system for the city's poor. Under the lex frumentaria, grain--generally wheat--was made available for the poor to buy at something like half the market price. It seems that the number of poor in the city never diminished but instead became steadily larger as time went on. The people suffered from hunger when the grain shipments were delayed from the farms or provinces.
There was a huge bureaucracy that became ever larger and harder to manage and control. It became very large near the end of the Empire to meet the needs of the army, which had to be greatly enlarged as a result of the increased barbarian threat. In the last two hundred years, Christianity became the state religion. There was a sizable number of men who went into the clergy, which was supported by the state. The bureaucrats and the clergy were agriculturally nonproductive elements that had to be fed and this contributed to the food shortages that were periodically occurring.
Along with this came greater corruption and self-seeking. In the early days, public service had been not just a duty but an honor. Of course, there had always been a certain amount of corruption and overreaching, especially in the provinces. Many provincial governors exploited their subjects, and there were the publicani, or tax collectors, who were under contract to collect a certain amount of tax for Rome. As their recompense, they could collect an amount greater than the tax. Some publicans abused their privileges and charged the people an exorbitant amount. There were, however, no laws against this, and the Roman government did nothing to stop it.
RICHARD So that's why the publicans were so unpopular in Judea in Jesus's time. It's bad enough if you're just a plain tax collector, but if you can get away with that kind of extortion, you're really going to be hated.
DAN Exactly, but in general the early government was honest, at least by the standards of the day. Later, the corruption got so bad that even contemporaries complained about how bad it was. It was said that if you wanted an honest man in a post, you had to find a man who didn't want a government position. What had happened was that government offices were bought, and they went to the highest bidder. Well, there were always plenty of eager bidders. The reason they were so willing to bid was that the opportunities for making plenty of money in the post were so good. In a few cases, provincial governors interrupted food and supplies going out to the troops and appropriated them for their own use. Naturally, the popularity of the offices, along with the large number of wiling bidders, kept the price of the offices high and therefore available almost exclusively to the wealthy. One big reason for the lack of public spirit was the obvious one that members of a society that has functioned smoothly for a long time tend to take it for granted.
There was also a big problem in that many small farms were failing. This trend went on through most of the life of the Roman society. The small farms went broke because they couldn't compete with the big ones. The owners of the big farms were more than ready to buy up the smaller farms whenever the opportunity presented itself. It is suspected that they at times also used different forms of pressure on nearby small farmers to get them to leave and sell their land.
Membership in the army also discouraged small farmers. They would have to stop farming their land while they were away in the army for several years. When they finally returned after release from the army--if they were lucky enough to return, they found it difficult to get started again. Often, they just didn't try and sold their land instead. After they sold their farms, they found it almost impossible to find work on other farms because there always seemed to be plenty of cheap laborers in the form of slaves. The army was often bringing in prisoners of war, and it was the universal custom of the time to convert those captives into slaves.
Another big reason these farmers couldn't stay afloat during the last two or three centuries of the Empire was that it became necessary to levy higher and higher taxes on farms. The small farms were less able to pay the tax. The tax had to be increased in order to support the larger army that was necessary at the time. There was great inflation after a while, and by the way, wage and price controls aren't a recent invention. The Romans tried them, and guess what--they didn't work.
So, what usually happened with the small farmer who had to sell his land was that he and his family would go to Rome to join the idle mob. Not only did rural farmers go to live in Rome, but also many of the poor from the provinces went there. It seems that conditions were crowded and often unsanitary. There were tall tenements much like we see today in our big cities. It was a constant concern of the government to keep this mob quiet and content. One way was to make sure they had enough to eat by selling them cheap grain like I said before. Near the end, it got so bad that people tried to leave the cities and start a life in the farms, but it was hard to do.
RICHARD I know the chariot races and gladiators were sponsored by the government, and they were held in order to keep the people pacified. It sounds like pork barrel legislation.
DAN Yes, that was really the biggest reason--pacification. There were also big and sometimes lavish festivals that were frequently given for the same reason. It was hard to find jobs for these people because of the slaves. Nobody was going to hire a free man when he could have a slave.
There are interesting analogies in all this to some of our problems today. Another one is in the cheap slave labor the Romans had. The United States has always allowed immigration supposedly because needy people around the world should be given a chance to work toward a prosperous life in this "land of opportunity." I don't know whether it has been intentional or not, but it has worked out very conveniently for many businesses to have a steady flow of new aliens--some illegal--coming into the country. Newcomers that are willing to work for low wages, don't know their rights, and consequently don't make waves.
All of these newly arrived workers can take jobs away from poor Americans. It is claimed that these Americans aren't willing to take these menial jobs anyway. Now, there is some truth to that, and I say by all means, if we have a true labor shortage, let in whoever needs work. The thing is that the whole problem is exaggerated. Sure, it's true that there are many who don't want those jobs because they are dull and monotonous, but I'll bet that most longtime citizens don't want them because they simply don't pay a decent wage. Who wants a hard, tiring job that doesn't pay enough to live in decent conditions? Only someone who just got here from another country where he was having a much harder time making a decent living.
The Roman army had to be greatly expanded in the last few centuries to control the Empire's borders. Rome couldn't just rely on Italians to fill the army's ranks. Actually, there was trouble recruiting young men from Rome and Italy fairly early, like in the 1st century A.D. They just didn't seem to have that old patriotic spirit. Rome had to rely much more heavily on the very barbarians that they had previously defeated. The barbarians weren't always reliable since they didn't feel any special allegiance to Rome, which they had never seen and was located far away. The Roman armies were trying to control new barbarian tribes that kept coming into Roman territory and plundering towns and villages. The barbarians kept springing up from many different directions, like from what is now Denmark, England, Northern Germany, Spain, Russia, and Czechoslovakia. It was a hopeless task. The people in the provinces did not fight. They were not armed or trained and so had to depend on the Roman armies to come automatically to their defense. This over dependence simply worked with time to the detriment of the Empire. Of course, Rome told these provincials to join the army, but why should they have been interested in going to fight in wars for several years in some strange, faraway land? The government must have insisted that it was necessary to meet the barbarians at the frontiers or otherwise it would be necessary to fight in their homes. Still, why leave a life of relative comfort as opposed to fighting and living in the field?
Then there was the decline of the established religions. During the height of the Empire, Jupiter, Juno, and the rest of the Roman gods were faithfully worshipped because it was believed that they had helped to achieve the greatness of Rome. With time, faith in these gods eroded because the gods didn't always respond to the requests of their followers or they actually acted capriciously. As a partial consequence of this, various sects and cults sprang up. Christianity was one of these. Eventually, the old religion died out, and it was replaced by Christianity as the official religion. After Rome started having its serious problems in the 300's, there were conservatives who blamed the misfortunes on the abandonment of the old gods and the adoption of Christianity. They also pointed out that Christianity was pernicious because it had an otherworldly attitude that held that the affairs of this life weren't important. The goal of concern was preparation for the life to come.
It is interesting that the Romans believed that they had a definite destiny or mission to build a great empire, which was supposed to exist for the benefit of not only Romans but for all the surrounding territories and peoples. It was supposed to keep the peace and foster a sound atmosphere for good culture and civilization.
There are always many factors that are involved in the downfall of a strong hegemony, but I think I can point to three important rules of deterioration that are usually present. The first is that individuals abandon fundamental principles that support social cohesion. There is much less sense of unity and cooperation as each one starts to pull only in his direction. The basic social values are such things as self-reliance, thrift, public spirit, self-sacrifice, honesty, moderation. There do exist certain basic social rules that can never be abandoned without bringing social division and distress. It's too confusing and psychologically painful to operate in a society that deviates very far from them.
A society is never morally perfect. It was possible to see the harmful tendencies in Rome from the early days. There quickly developed a selfish desire for both political and financial power. These drives certainly aren't always harmful at the beginning. In fact, they are helpful in building a prosperous society. Still, that drive eventually starts to work detrimentally and feed upon itself. In Rome, the drive for power got so bad that there were periods of time during which emperors served for very short periods. There were always ongoing plots and assassinations. The emperors many times came up from the ranks of the army, so there was often infighting and jockeying for position among the generals. Several times the army did not mount as adequate a defense as it could have against the barbarians because it was too involved fighting civil wars. It was pathetic. Those who are in the race for money and power are going to find it easier to rationalize their actions and abdicate moral responsibility.
The second important factor that works against a powerful country is that it extends itself too far. It afterwards becomes very difficult to carry on the administration of its territory. Augustus, the first emperor, foresaw the problem and tried to prevent it by putting in his will that the borders of the Empire should not be expanded. His desire was later disregarded. The Roman Empire was strained by having a large territory to defend. They tried to solve administrative problems by dividing the Empire into East and West and then further into prefectures and other administrative divisions. It didn't work very well. The East and West didn't cooperate enough.
I've wondered whether it could have been possible in the first place for Rome to make some sort of peace with the tribes that inhabited what is now Europe without having to occupy their lands. This could have allowed the various tribes all over Europe to remain strong enough to withstand the attacks of the several tribes that mostly came out of Russia and eastern Europe later, as well as the Vandals and the Huns. I would imagine that the idea wouldn't have been too farfetched to consider as an alternative to conquest. If it could have been done, a great Roman civilization, confined mainly to the Italian peninsula, could have continued to flourish for centuries beyond the time that it actually lasted. It's really ironic, and it suggests that domination isn't always the best course in the long run.
"All of this blends in naturally with the third factor involved in the downfall of great powers. This is that powerful nations tend to exploit surrounding nations. This need not be intentional, but it can proceed unnoticed. Usually the stronger nation will always profess that it is proceeding and acting for the good of all concerned. While it may be beneficial in the beginning, it is open to question how much of a real aid it is to the smaller countries in the long run. After all, the investment decisions and profits are made by outsiders. It is also an obstruction to birth and development of domestic industries.
Richard was sitting outside a building at Long Beach State College waiting for a meeting to begin. It was a meeting of the college's organization of Vietnam veterans who were opposed to the war. Richard had enrolled at Long Beach State this semester. He was going for a master's degree in history. He had not decided to attend because he was especially eager to get an advanced degree. He had enrolled because in January he still did not have a job and did not have any prospects of getting a job. His eligibility for unemployment insurance had run out, so he knew he was going to be low on money. He took the advice of some friends like George Gourdoux who told him to go to school, even if he wasn't that interested, in order to collect money on the G.I. Bill. At a state school the tuition was low. He had to add a little for books and miscellaneous expenses, but the total didn't amount to more than $300 per year. Under the G.I. Bill, he received $175 per month. With that much money, he was able to move into an apartment in Venice with some other students. He knew other students who continued to live with their parents and that way were able to pay for new cars.
Richard had declared his intention to get an M.A. in history because under the G.I. Bill, it was a requirement that one work toward a definite degree. He had tried to get back into UCLA, but his college grades had not been good enough. He didn't mind studying history. It wasn't hard, and he enjoyed it about as much as he could enjoy anything to be studied in school.
It was a day in the first week of May, l970, and although it was a school day, Richard was not going to class today. It didn't look like anyone else was going to class either. A nationwide student strike had been declared in protest of Nixon's decision on April 30 to send American troops into Cambodia to prevent a North Vietnamese buildup, which would threaten American troops in South Vietnam. Although most schools throughout the country would continue to hold classes, at many colleges students would not attend classes for at least a day. At other schools, they would be on strike for a whole week. The Vietnam veterans group to which Richard belonged was going to meet to decide what action to take during the strike. There was a rumor that there would be a big march in which everyone in the school would participate. There were other rumors as to what other groups were going to do. Most groups sent letters to the President and to their Congressmen.
Richard had joined the veterans group because they seemed to be one of the more active antiwar groups on campus. It was also fairly effective. The group had sent speakers to several rallies as well as meetings of organizations that were interested in the problems of the war. Some of these groups were on the campus while others were adult organizations such as nearby civic groups. Some of the members of non campus groups were not very friendly or agreeable. At times, members of the American Legion or Veterans of Foreign Wars also spoke, and they could get very hostile. In general, however, it seemed that most people were willing to listen to what the Vietnam veterans had to say because they felt Vietnam veterans had more credibility than most others. Richard had been fairly active, but he had never done anything big like making a speaking appearance.
Many of the veterans had arrived by now. One of them, John Kinsel, came to sit next to him. John had been with the Army in a weapons platoon in Vietnam. He had returned last January.
"Hey, Rich, did you see that story in the paper about that old man who got held up last night when he got off a bus?"
"No," replied Richard.
"It's in the second section. Some man got off a bus and was stopped by a young guy who told him to hand over his wallet. The old man handed him the wallet. He didn't offer any resistance. The thief took it, but then all of a sudden the son of a bitch took a machete he was holding in his hand and slashed the old man's hand right off. Can you believe that shit?"
"Jesus, that's cold blooded."
"Man, he chopped his hand right off," commented John as he stared ahead somberly. "It sounds like fucking Nam all over again."
"Yeah, it gets pretty bad here, too," replied Richard. "I read the other day that the crime rate went up again last year."
"Wow, there goes that foxy blond that always wears those miniskirts." They both stared. "Man, she's got great legs."
They went inside to the room where the meeting was to be held. Various matters were discussed. There was an upcoming meeting that needed someone to speak. There was to be a march at noon starting from the center of the campus. Everyone said they would be there.
The meeting broke up, and they agreed to meet at noon at the designated place for the march.
"Hey, have you seen that new movie MASH?" asked John as they walked. "I went to see it Saturday night. I thought it was pretty good in general."
"Yeah, I saw it a couple of weeks ago. I thought it was O. K., but some of it seemed a little exaggerated. I mean some of the characters seemed a little too unreal. It was too easy to make fun of them."
"I think I know what you mean."
"Have you seen Catch 22?" asked Richard.
"No, I haven't seen that one," replied John.
"It's not too bad. It's about flyers in World War II. It shows how fucked up the Army and its stupid regulations was even then."
"Yeah, I bet it was."
Richard complained in an exasperated tone, "You know, the only thing I don't like about these new antiwar movies is that they are about some other war. I mean, MASH is about Korea and Catch 22 is about World War II. But why aren't they making some movies on Vietnam? Hell, there's so much insanity and bullshit going on over there. There's enough material over there for a thousand flicks, but you never see anything about Vietnam."
"Those Hollywood producers are just too loyal and patriotic."
"Yeah, that's probably part of it. The only Vietnam flick I've seen around is The Green Berets by John Wayne. Boy, was that something," Richard finished with a small, frustrated laugh. "Wayne produced it, you know."
"Man, I heard that was a real joke."
"It sure was--typical John Wayne. I guess another thing those producers are probably afraid of is that Vietnam War movies won't make enough money for them. I don't see why not. I'm sure there would be enough people who'd want to go see it. They're just chicken shit. You watch, ten years from now they'll be making all kinds of antiwar movies based on the Vietnam War. By then, the war will be over and we'll be fighting in some other war."
"You're probably right."
Early that same morning several students met with the President of the United States in front of the White House. They had come to Washington, D.C. especially in order to talk to him on the subject of the Vietnam War. It was a gray and cheerless morning. The students were very concerned with the Cambodian invasion and with the war in general. Nixon had not slept very much that night. He had been up trying to figure out how to convince the American people that what he was doing was right and how to placate the many vociferous students who couldn't see that his way was the only way of bringing an acceptable end to the war. He had decided to meet this morning with some of these students to try to make them see that he had interests and concerns very much in common with theirs.
The students asked him a question about the war. They asked when it would end. They spoke in a very serious and direct tone. Nixon had a haggard and distant look. He didn't answer the question. It seemed as if he hadn't even heard any words spoken. Instead, he started talking about the colleges that were going to have strong football teams in the coming fall. He discussed which ones he thought were going to be the top national contenders. After a while, he realized that the students were not appreciating his soliloquy. He then said a few words, which they had heard before, about the need for an acceptable solution to the war and a just and lasting peace.
Richard was driving to his friends' house, the one in which Bob Farnsworth and the others lived. He hadn't seen them for several months. It was now early November. Before that, he had continued to keep up with them even after he had started school last January. He hadn't seen them as often as before because he was busy with school, but he had still kept in touch. They had invited Richard to their house for dinner tonight. He was glad that they had remembered to invite him. He was happy to have the opportunity so see them. He was also apprehensive about what they would think about what he was doing now.
He arrived and was cordially welcome by all. Bob Farnsworth was there along with Tony O'Leary and Becky Friedman. Richard was introduced to a new housemate, Pat Taylor. She was friendly but quiet. After exchanging the usual .greetings and comments, they focused on a more definite subject.
BECKY Pat moved into Sheila's room. Sheila and Wayne finally found a commune that they liked. It wasn't the one they were talking about before. That one died out.
TONY I hope they like it. There's a lot of communes dying out now. A couple of years ago was probably the best time to get into one, but now they're having a tough time.
BOB It takes a lot of work and unity to really keep it going.
RICHARD Have you heard anything from them?
BECKY They wrote a letter about a month ago and said it was a lot of work but they claimed to be enjoying it. They didn't give a lot of details so it's hard to tell how well organized it is.
(The chicken cacciatore that Tony had prepared was ready and everyone was now serving it on their plates.)
BOB Well, what do you think about the elections yesterday, Rich? It doesn't look like very many peace candidates got in.
RICHARD No, it looked like they didn't have much success.
TONY Just before you got here we were discussing why it came out that way. In a way you would think that there are more people opposed to the war now than in 1968. Becky says that while that may be true, there was a lot more student apathy than in '68. Consequently, they didn't go out to canvass like they did back then and antiwar voters didn't get as aroused to go out and vote.
BECKY Well, I really don't know that the students going around door to door would have made that much difference, but what I guess I really like to point out is that students and young people were really apathetic. And shit, the reason I think that was true was that many of them just don't feel as threatened as they used to by the thought that they would have to go in the army. For one thing, Nixon has pulled some troops out and is saying that he's going to pull out some more. Then with the lottery a guy finds out in the middle of his freshman year what his chances are of getting drafted. All of the ones who find out that they have a good chance of not being drafted just aren't so excited about stopping the war.
BOB There's probably something to that, but I say that the main reason for the failure of any peace candidates was that damn Nixon is just pretty slick. Under Vietnamization, he's making troop withdrawals. People think that means that the U.S. will soon be completely out of Vietnam. Then, I think he's scared a lot of people with his talk about a bloodbath if we pull out. People don't realize that's just a bunch of bullshit. The North Vietnamese wouldn't kill off that many people. They would probably only execute the big leaders in Saigon and a few other places. We could just let those who are in danger of being executed come to the United States.
RICHARD Well, probably both theories are true. (They were now sitting at the table and half-way through the dinner.)
BECKY Well, what have you been doing with yourself, Rich? You must be busy these days. I haven't heard anything from you.
RICHARD I'm not going to school anymore. I was only going for the G.I. Bill money and that really wasn't enough motivation. Actually, all through the summer, I was planning to go back. Then l decided to go for some job interviews in August. I mean, I started thinking that I really had to get out and get a job someday. I realized I was just avoiding it.
BECKY So who are you working for?
RICHARD McDonald Aircraft. (Becky showed a little surprise but not as much as Richard expected. If the others were startled, they didn't show it. On the other hand, they didn't show any joy over the announcement.) Its not a bad job so far. I like it, as far as jobs go.
BOB Was that the best offer you had?
RICHARD I only had one other offer. I don't want you to think I had all kinds of companies begging for me. (Smiling.) I didn't go on that many interviews, either. I probably would have gotten some more good offers if I had gone on more interviews, but I didn't feel like getting involved in a lot of interviewing again. I got into that before and I didn't want to again. I mean I was just being too picky before. I was afraid and reluctant for some reason. This time I decided to go ahead with anything that sounded fairly good. McDonald gave me a much better starting salary than the other company so I took it. Money isn't everything, but hell if you can get more, why not? ( He laughs. )
TONY What was the other company?
RICHARD Oh, it was a job with a pharmaceutical company.
PAT I bet you can afford a lot more now than when you were going to school.
RICHARD That's no lie. Like I said before, the G.I. Bill helped a lot, but there's no comparison between going to school and having a job. I bought me some new clothes. I needed some suits for work so I bought me some new ones for the first time in years.
TONY Hey, hey, the guy's putting on the fine threads now, huh. Living it up in style. (He chuckles along with the others.)
RICHARD Well, you know, an up and coming young junior exec has to have just the right clothes to impress the right people. (He laughs self-mockingly.) But don't worry, I'm still a hippie at heart. I guess you can call me a "plain-clothes hippie." It's nice to have some extra bread.
BECKY Sure, Rich, just as long as you don't get carried away and become some big pig making a lot of money off our taxes as president of the company.
RICHARD Naw, I could never get into making bombs and missiles that much. This is just a job for me right now. By the way, you didn't see the new car I got, did you? I guess you can't see the parking lot from here. It's a new Porsche.
PAT Boy, that's my favorite car. I've always wanted one.
BOB You probably got a brand new '71.
RICHARD Yeah, just got it the other day. (They talked about the car a while, then they discussed what each person was doing at the moment. Becky and Bob were in their senior years. Becky was starting to apply to graduate schools. Pat was a graduate in chemistry. She was a little shy and only slightly attractive. Someone asked Richard what it was like at work. They were all cleaning up the table now.)
RICHARD You know, I remember in the Army they told us that the discipline and respect that they taught you would be good when you got out and got a job in the civilian world. I think they were right to a certain extent. The Army's training does help. In most jobs, you do have to learn to keep your mouth shut and go along with what your superiors are saying. You have to control your natural drives and desires. I'm sure my old D.I.' s would be proud to see me now. (He laughs.)
TONY I think school does the same trip on you if you really stop to notice.
BECKY Yeah, it sure does.
RICHARD There's another similarity to the army that this guy at work was talking about the other day, and I think he's got a point. It's fairly easy to cover up your mistakes and escape blame. I mean there are so many people usually involved in the making of any decision or in a project, that it's hard to pinpoint who blew it. It's easy to just pass the buck, and then the buck gets passed back, and then before long it's just going back and forth.
BOB (after a pause) Do you still see Kathy?
RICHARD Yeah, we still do things once in a while, but not nearly as often as we did last year. We're not ready for anything permanent. Not for now at least.
Richard and Kathy had definitely decided to see other people. Actually, it had always been that way, but for a long time Kathy had simply not dated anybody else. Richard realized this before very long. He could see that Kathy seemed uncomfortable when it came out that he had seen some other girl. She didn't make any open objection or become angry or act possessively in any other way. She would just get into a sort of gloomy mood, and it would consequently make him uncomfortable. After a while, he decided to start trying to talk to her about the situation.
"Damn it, Kathy," Richard remarked one day, "I really wish you would go out and have some fun. You know very well I'm having a good time, and I don't mind at all if you go out with other guys. Heck, there's all kinds of nice guys around."
"Yeah, but shit, a lot of them turn out to be creeps."
"Well, I'm sure some of them are O.K. Besides, you don't have to worry so much about finding just the right guy. You're young, you ought to just think about having some fun, enjoy life. You're not always going to be single and carefree."
"I know," she agreed, "but I really just don't feel like going out that much. I guess I don't feel very sociable these days."
"Besides, who knows, you could just run into the real man of your dreams. You never know. I mean, you know, we've talked about the chances of us ever getting married, and you agree that they aren't very good. You know there are just too many differences."
Kathy had sincerely agreed in previous conversations with Richard that they probably wouldn't make a good married couple, although they had never talked about it very deeply. They never talked about anything very deeply. She had thought about it on her own many times. She thought there could be problems between them, but then again she wasn't sure that they were that serious. She was confused. She thought the differences could in time be overlooked or ironed out. For instance, he used to like to talk about intellectual subjects at times, and she didn't understand it all very well. She didn't mind listening, however. She considered herself a good listener. Then there were times that he was very mechanical in his lovemaking. He seemed to go through the motions, but he didn't seem to be very aware of her. Still, this didn't bother her very much. She figured that she couldn't expect it to be good all the time.
Eventually, Kathy started to go out with other guys, but it was only on occasion. She just didn't feel good with others, she couldn't say why. It was hard for her to understand her own feelings, and it was even harder for her to talk about them even with close friends. She had never been used to talking to anyone very much about her personal problems.
She thought about making a complete emotional break from Richard, but it wasn't easy. At times, she felt very free and independent and didn't think about him very much. She could think of him as just another friend. Then there were other times when tender feelings toward him would come back. Her hopes would come up, and she would fantasize that they could be happy together. It was then that she would decide that she would be patient in waiting for a strengthening in her relationship with Richard. She would tell herself that loyalty and patience were important ingredients of true love. Kathy would resolve herself to remain close to Richard with the hope that someday he would realize that the two of them were really meant for each other.
Richard, in the meantime, was enjoying the single life. He truly appreciated the freedom to date a variety of girls, although it was a fact that he didn't know a great number of girls. It had been easier at Long Beach State. He had been able to meet girls easily in his classes. They weren't all friendly, but there were enough around that were sociable to make it fun. He had gotten into a couple of affairs while he was in school. The second one lasted through half the summer.
Richard thought of them only as affairs because they had both been too short to be considered relationships of any seriousness. Both of the girls had been likeable, but Richard hadn't fallen in love. Neither did he feel that they had fallen in love with him. There had been simply a mutual enjoyment of each other. There had been some very good sexual enjoyment. Both of the girls had been very attractive and sexy. Neither one had been inhibited. The first affair had ended abruptly without any apparent reason. It had just ended, and he didn't even remember now how it had happened. The second one ended when the girl, who had graduated in June, got a job in Portland.
Richard hardly saw Kathy during that time, Afterwards, he saw her more often. He would usually look her up when he got lonely or when he got the sexual urge. She was always very nice to him and didn't ask very many questions. She usually just complained that he took so long between visits. She didn't turn him on like the other girls had done. She wasn't as sexy as the others, but he still found her attractive. He didn't mind going out with a girl who was only moderately attractive, just as long as she was what he thought of as "presentable." One thing that he wouldn't do was to go out with an ugly or a fat girl, what was usually called a "pig" or a "dog." It wasn't that he disliked fat or ugly girls. He was friendly with some girls like that. It was just that he couldn't stand going out with a pig because he simply couldn't bear taking the chance of being seen with her by other people, especially his friends. He knew that his friends would never stop riding him, and he couldn't stand anyone thinking that that was the best he could do.
Richard was just starting to eat his lunch in the McDonald cafeteria.
He sat down with three fellow employees, John Niziol, Carroll Upton, and David Gaucin. All of them were young, in their 20's and 30's. It was now May, 1971.
NIZIOL Hey, did you hear about all those people they arrested in Washington. The paper said they arrested over 12,000 in a period of 4 days. They're saying some of those people were just bystanders who got caught in the quick sweep made by the police.
UPTON That whole thing started with a bunch of veterans who went to make a protest at the capitol, the Vietnam Veterans Against the War. They went in their old Army uniforms and a few were in wheelchairs. They thought they were going to have a big impact on the whole country, but it seems that nobody paid much attention. For one thing, everybody knows they're just a minority of all the Vietnam vets. Their protest ended when they went up to the Capitol steps one by one and threw all their medals back.
GAUCIN I think they were right to arrest all those demonstrators. They were just too unruly. There's nothing wrong with people demonstrating, but when they really start disrupting traffic and things like that, that's going a little bit too far.
NIZIOL The demonstrators can't really say that they didn't expect that kind of reaction from the government. The Nixon administration has always been big on law and order. I hear Attorney General John Mitchell was the one who gave the order for mass arrests.
GAUCIN I was in the 1968 demonstration in Chicago at the Democratic Party Convention. There was a lot of action and violence, but it wasn't that disruptive.
Richard felt he didn't want to bring up the fact that he had been a member of a veterans' antiwar group when he was at Long Beach State. He didn't feel ashamed of his past association with the group, but he didn't want to start a big argument over the organization. Neither was he willing to risk the possibility that they might consider him as a radical or some kind of misfit. Instead, he decided to merely bring up a question about a recent veterans' gathering.
RICHARD Have you heard anything recently about something called the Winter Soldier Investigations. It was held in Detroit a few months ago, I think.
GAUCIN I didn't hear anything about it.
RICHARD I heard something about it through some friends. Supposedly, there was a meeting of veterans who met to tell publicly about their experiences in Vietnam. Some of it was pretty shocking, but hardly anyone heard about it because the press for some reason didn't cover it.
NIZIOL Hello, Mr. Meriwether. How are you?
WELDON MERIWETHER Just fine. How are all of you doing today?
ALL Fine, sir. Just fine.
Meriwether was a vice-president of the company and a division manager. He was an important person in the corporation, and it was very probable that he could someday become president of the company. He was intelligent, energetic, forceful, hardworking, disciplined, and demanding. Yet, he was friendly and understanding toward everyone. He was tall and impressively good looking. He looked strong and younger than his age. There were times when his employees could feel a glow of genuine warmth coming from him.
His secretary was very fond of him. She had been his secretary for 11 years now. He had demanded that the company allow her to remain his secretary twice before when they had tried to switch her to another department. He was very considerate of her. If anything, he was too kind and respectful. She appreciated his gentleness and decorum, but she would have appreciated it if at least once in all these years, he would have made a slight pass at her. She knew that she would have not allowed anything to come of it. After all, she had been married for many years. All she really wanted was to feel that he recognized that she was sexually attractive. If he did notice her, he never even hinted it. She knew that it wasn't that he wasn't interested in sex. It was clear that it was a case of his being a traditionalist who was very faithful to his wife and who loved her and his family very much.
After a little conversation, Upton, Niziol, and Gaucin left the table. They had arrived for lunch before Richard and had already planned to go play ping pong in the recreation room. Meriwether and Richard continued talking. Richard had talked to Meriwether during lunch on other occasions.
That was another good thing about Meriwether, Richard thought. He was willing to mingle with all kinds of employees. He didn't just stick with the other company officers at all times. Richard could see that Mr. Meriwether liked him. He had previously tried to give him advice and consideration in Richard's efforts to learn his job and adjust to the company. Meriwether and Richard talked briefly on the way the NBA playoffs were going.
Richard felt a little uncomfortable after a lull in their conversation. He then thought of a good question to ask, one which he knew Mr. Meriwether had thought about. The question involved a proposed guarantee by the Federal government of a loan to the Lockheed Corporation, an important aerospace company. The loan was for $250 million. Secretary of the Treasury John Connally and the Nixon administration had recently decided to ask Congress to approve the loan. Failure to receive the loan would create a clear risk of financial failure for Lockheed.
RICHARD Do you think this loan to Lockheed will make it through?
MERIWETHER I really don't know. A few years ago, I would have said absolutely not, but attitudes these days are so hard to predict that it's hard to know for sure. After all, it's hard to believe that it is a Republican administration that is asking for the government to get involved in a loan to a private company. That goes right against principles that Republicans have always fought for--private enterprise and the freedom of business entanglement with government. You can be sure that the Democrats are going to be yelling bloody murder about government welfare for the big corporations and the rich. I bet they'll accuse Nixon of doing this so he can get campaign contributions from the aerospace industry. Of course, I have to say that I hope the loan goes through. If McDonald ever has any financial troubles in the future, we might be able to get the same kind of consideration from the government. By the way, how are you getting along now? Things going pretty good?
RICHARD Yes, sir, everything is going much more easily now. I've resolved a lot of the previous working problems that I told you about, and I've got much more of a system for working with everything.
MERIWETHER That sounds great, fantastic. (After a pause in the conversation.) I don't know. Young people these days are really going off on some strange tangents. My son has been giving me all kinds of flack about working in defense. I think he and his friends are ashamed of me after all these years that this industry has been providing the money that helped me support him. It doesn't bother me that much, but sometimes it does get exasperating.
RICHARD I used to know some people who would sometimes sit around and talk about how wrongful it was to work in manufacturing weapons. I suppose listening to their discussions affected my way of thinking to a certain extent, but I believe that we do have to have a strong defense and that we have to supply our allies. Still, I have questions over whether we might be going a little too far in our defense buildup.
MERIWETHER Luckily, most of our employees don't seem to be bothered very much by those questions. There has been some questioning lately by a few people, but not that much. For one thing, they know a good job is hard to come by so they're not going to decide to forget all the jobs in the defense industry that easily.
As for your friends and my son, they sound like the kind of young idealists that are very easy to find these days. Of course, there have always been starry-eyed idealists and there probably always will be, but be careful. Don't believe everything they say. They're always trying to make the world better, but they never seem to be able to. They should realize that it's a losing proposition and come down off the clouds to have fun with the rest of us.
You're right about our need for a strong defense. We can't let up our guard. We need to keep improving our defenses all the time and somebody has got to do the job. I think your duty, in this company or anywhere else you might go, is to do your job and do it well.
If you're going to ask what your duty to society is, I think it is, first of all, to find a place where your talents can best be used, and then to do your best in that job. If you decide that you can do a good job in an aerospace company, then that's all you should really worry about. The government will concern itself closely with determining exactly what the defense needs of the country are. That's their job, and I'm sure they are trying to do the best they know how, even if there are a lot of critics now who don't think so. The best you and I can do is to make the best jets or missile systems possible when they ask for them. Remember that the defense industry only supplies what the government decides it wants. It doesn't decide what systems are going to be manufactured and it doesn't make war.
As for you personally, you'll just waste your life away if you're always going to sit down to try to figure out these fine points. Political questions are too hard to decide unless you are really well informed on all the facts, and only people like those in the Department of Defense really have all the facts. It's just no use worrying about all those problems because you really can't solve them.
Believe me, the thing to do is to enjoy your life to the fullest. You're single now. Just have a good time, sow your wild oats, enjoy yourself. Later on, you'll want to settle down and get married. You'll probably want to be a lot more serious then. You'll want to work hard and provide the best for your family, and that's probably a man's biggest responsibility--providing the best for his family. All other considerations are minor compared to that. Who knows, you work hard and you might get to be president of this company someday. (He smiles at Richard.)
You know, it's a great feeling to get out there and give it all you got, your best shot. A lot of people don't like President Nixon, but you've got to give him credit. He barely lost out for President in 1960, and he got knocked down again in 1962 when he ran for Governor, but he hung in there. He was tenacious and kept working toward the Presidency. He didn't give up. We need people who are willing to do whatever it takes to win.
Richard was at a friend's house watching the day's bowl games on television. It was New Year's Day, 1972. Richard's friend had invited him and some other guys over to his place to watch the games and have some drinks. There were 5 other guys there. He knew all but one of them from before. The friend who owned the house was a McDonald employee he knew and two of the others also worked there. He now had several fairly close friends from McDonald. He also had some new friends he had made at the apartment complex where he lived. He did many things with his new friends. It seemed that there were always plenty of things to do. He enjoyed their company. They were very active and athletic. One of them had played offensive guard for USC. They were sociable and liked to kid around and have a good time. Some had steady girl friends, but most of them were loosely attached or were playing the field. All of them had good jobs.
Richard had frankly gotten to like his new friends much more than his former ones--Bob, Becky, and the others. They were more comfortable and easygoing. They never got into any heavy political or ethical discussions. They generally were not interested in politics and all the many complicated problems of society. They mostly believed that all politicians were crooked and out only to make money for themselves. Richard had gotten tired of the political discussions that his old friends had frequently gotten into. He had been interested in them to a certain extent, especially in the beginning. After all, he himself enjoyed that kind of thought. That probably had something to do with his fondness for history. He remembered how he used to spend much time in Vietnam on speculation on the war and recent history. But historical speculation was different from trying to keep up with and understand current events. Besides he had a lot of time to kill back then. These days his time was very limited on account of his full-time job and various minor but time-consuming activities. In addition, he couldn't see much point anymore in those discussions since they never seemed to resolve anything. It now seemed to him like so much pointless agonizing over problems over which one had no real control. Those who ran the government were going to wind up doing what they wanted to anyway, and that was all there was to it.
Richard enjoyed his new friends' lifestyles and carefree approach. He liked the way they often did things on the spur of the moment. They would go buy a new record, new suit, a new motorcycle, or a new diamond necklace for a girl friend if they felt like it. They could within a matter of minutes decide to go to the beach, to go down to Tijuana to get some kicks in the bars and with the whores, to go to a Rams game, to go skiing in the winter, to go camping in the Sierras or to just plain go out and get drunk. One time, Richard and some of the others had quickly decided to get on an airplane on a Friday night and go to San Francisco for the weekend and just have a good time. They drank a lot and went to most of the topless and bottomless joints in town. None of his friends were independently wealthy or anything like that. They simply had good salaries and the will to live for the moment. It helped that they all had a variety of credit cards that could be used when cash was scarce. Richard realized how great credit cards were. They gave one great freedom.
All of this was in stark contrast to the lifestyle of his former friends. They were much more low-keyed. They could get off on just having a few friends present, sitting around smoking marijuana, sometimes having heavy discussions, and listening to records, often folk music. Richard had enjoyed that for a while, and he knew he still could on occasion. His old friends could lead a very quiet and calm life on a tight budget with relatively few luxuries. They appeared to get along well, and Richard had done O.K. for a period of time living an austere life in the same manner as they did. But he began to grow a little weary of that, and then after he had started getting out and around, he realized all of the things he had been missing. Now he didn't think he could ever go back to such a simple way of life.
He had been doing so many exciting things lately, including going to bountiful parties in large and expensive homes and apartments. Some were given by important people at work while others were given by friends or friends of friends. Last night was the most enjoyable party of all. It was a New Year's Eve party given at the house of a vice-president of the company. It was, of course, large, lavish, and formal. Most of those attending went in couples, including those who were married. Richard had wondered about whom he was going to invite.
There was always Kathy whom he was quite sure would have gone. He knew some other attractive girls, and he was hoping one of them would accept his invitation. He knew Kathy would be hoping to do something with him on New Year's Eve, so even if he did not invite her, he wanted to come up with some excuse for not doing so. He wanted to avoid asking Kathy to go if at all possible. He knew she wouldn't feel comfortable at a large, formal affair. It wasn't something she was used to, and it wasn't the kind of thing she would enjoy. Her discomfort and anxiety would easily show through for everyone to see. She wasn't the kind of person who could hide her fear and lack of ease very easily. Furthermore, apart from the nervousness, he knew she simply wouldn't know the right things to say in a conversation with the other people there, especially the older ones. He could just imagine what might happen in an extended conversation with some high executive's wife.
Richard was saved from his dilemma when several of the single people at work decided to intentionally go without dates to the party. There were a number of people who liked the idea after word was passed around about it. Richard immediately decided not to take a date. He told Kathy when she brought it up that he had to go to a function given by one of the company big wigs, and that he had felt unable to refuse when one of his superiors had very politely but unequivocally requested that he escort one of the homelier secretaries.
After the party, he felt better than ever about the way it had turned out. In fact, he felt absolutely exhilarated. The house, both outside and in, had been very impressive. The furniture and fixtures inside had looked very elegant, and the rooms had been very brightly and tastefully decorated. Everyone looked especially genteel in their tuxedos or long flowing gowns and white gloves. Everyone was acting friendly and jovial. Richard mingled with the crowd and talked easily with the people he knew. He (and other people) felt tense and a little nervous, but Richard soon remedied that with several drinks of soda mixed with some very good quality Scotch.
Then, after about a half hour had gone by, he noticed her. He gazed at her dreamily for a long moment. He had been very impressed the instant he saw her, although he knew it had not been love at first sight. She looked magnificent. She had long blond hair that reached to the bottom of her neck, a perfect complexion in both texture and uniformity of color, blue eyes that were deep in both hue and spiritual intensity. Under her gown, one could see an ample bust, and one could be sure that the rest of her body was equally superb. As striking as she was physically, what impressed Richard even more was her manner and poise. She was so dignified and august. He kept track of her, watching her as she moved about greeting and talking to various people. She moved with impeccable grace and with an aura of serene majesty. She was stately yet showed great sincerity and candor as she talked and smiled charmingly. She danced with several men. It became evident that she had not been escorted. Richard also took the time to dance with several girls, but he was determined to dance with her and learn something about her.
Finally, he got the chance to ask her to dance. She politely accepted with a gracious smile. Richard found he could talk to her easily. He didn't feel nervous after the first half minute. What he had to watch out for was getting carried away and showing too much enthusiasm. She was interesting, intelligent, vivacious and yet soothingly calm. They finished dancing, and she promised to dance with him later. Each one talked and danced with others. Richard met another very appealing girl, but he couldn't wait to dance again with the one that had magnetically caught his attention all night.
He got another chance to dance with her, and it was equally as pleasant as the first time. He had needed to bide his time before he got to dance with her because she was very popular and was in almost constant demand. He eventually danced with her a third time, and then afterward, they sat down to talk. She was more tantalizing as the night went on. Richard found her simply stunning. She was as close to his ideal "image of a girl" as he had yet found. He found her name was as beautiful as her appearance and personality. Her name was Claire.
It had a wonderful musical sound to hear it spoken. He was reminded of Debussy's beautiful "Claire de Lune." He had found out her first name the first time they had danced, but it was not until they had sat down that he learned her full name and her complete identity. What's more, her full name sounded as melodious as her first name--Claire Renee Meriwether.
Richard had heard that Mr. Meriwether had a very beautiful unmarried daughter, but he simply had not imagined that this was her. Not that he didn't think it was possible. It was just that it hadn't crossed his mind. He had talked to Mr. Meriwether for a period of time earlier in the evening, but it had not come out that Claire was his daughter. Richard wanted to see and talk to her again very soon. He asked her if he could call her the next day, hoping that she was interested enough to consent. She certainly seemed to have been friendly enough, although it was true that she was nice to everybody. Happily, she agreed.
Richard was awakened from his long reverie when one of the guys slapped him on the back in excitement over a very good play in the Cotton Bowl game, which was now showing on TV. "Man, Penn State is really going to cream those goddamn Texas Longhorns. This isn't even a game."
"Hey, Rich," somebody else said, "you don't look too excited about this game. Don't tell me you're for Texas."
"Hell, no," Richard replied. "I guess I'm still sort of sleepy."
"Well, shit, man," a third one yelled, "grab another beer and wake up."
Richard complied but before long he was thinking about Claire again. In particular, he was thinking about their conversation on the phone when he had called her just prior to coming to watch the football games. She had been friendly, and she didn't cut the conversation short in spite of the fact that he had woken her up. She talked cheerily after she woke up a little. When he mentioned doing something in the near future, she sounded enthusiastic when she said it was a good idea.
Richard couldn't get over it. He was sure it hadn't been love at first sight. He didn't believe in love at first sight, at least not for him. It had never happened to him before. But although he had not fallen in love immediately, his feelings had certainly grown swiftly and ardently after the party. It seemed that she could do nothing wrong. At the present moment, Richard wasn't sure that he could still maintain that he was not in love. It was undeniable that he was finding it hard to keep his mind off Claire.
Weldon Meriwether and his wife were at home and had recently finished their dinner. They were the only ones at home. Meriwether had brought home a few papers from work to look over and was sitting down leafing through them in the living room. He frequently brought work home. He preferred doing this to staying late at the office because he liked being at home. The radio was on, and the President was making a speech to the nation on Vietnam. It was April 26. Three weeks before, North Vietnamese forces had launched an offensive against the South. Its only accomplishment seemed to be to cause unnecessary death and suffering for both soldiers and civilians since most U.S. troops had been withdrawn from Vietnam and the last of them were to be withdrawn on August 11. Richard had been seeing Claire on a regular basis in the last month. He had gone out with her in January and a few times after that, but the dates had been far apart. She had many friends and activities that kept her busy, but Richard had not given up on her. He had kept in touch by calling her regularly. In the last month, he had been able to see her more often. She had always been friendly, but now she seemed to be able to make more time for him. Richard was definitely encouraged by this. Her parents had also noticed her increased interest in him.
MRS. MERIWETHER (a tall, slender, attractive woman with a gentle visage). Weldon, I've noticed that Claire has been seeing that Mendez boy much more, recently.
MERIWETHER (listening but without looking up at all) Yes, I have, too.
MRS. MERIWETHER Do you think it's really developing into something serious?
MERIWETHER I don't know. I suppose that's possible. Of course, I've never seen Claire get emotionally involved very quickly or very often for that matter.
MRS. MERIWETHER That's true. She is a pretty restrained girl. It still has me worried, to tell you the truth. (Slowly and pensively) I know I shouldn't think about it so much. I mean there may be nothing to it. But then again, I haven't seen her go out with anyone else here lately. Anyway, I feel uncomfortable about it. I don't know if you know what I mean. (She was hesitant--as she sometimes was~-in expressing her true feelings)
MERIWETHER I think I know what you're getting at.
MRS. MERIWETHER I guess I just don't see them as a good match. I'm not saying he's not a good boy. He's very nice and he's always been very kind and polite. It's just that, oh, you know, I just think it's a bad idea generally for people of different groups to get married. There's always problems, and it just doesn't seem right.
MERIWETHER (not having looked up once) That's true.
MRS. MERIWETHER Besides, I think that Mendez boy is nice, but I wonder how far he would get or could get. I'm sure he works well, after all he's been at McDonald for a while, hasn't he?
MERIWETHER Yes, more than a year now, I think.
MRS. MERIWETHER (still slowly groping for her thoughts) Like I said, he looks nice enough but somehow I don't get the impression that he has that drive, that energy or whatever it takes to really go far.
MERIWETHER (he finally looks up) Yeah, I think you've got a point. I've also had the same feeling. He's conscientious and works hard, but he just doesn't seem to have the extra drive. I think he will always be a good employee, but he might always stay somewhere in middle management. He would never go above that level.
MRS. MERIWETHER Yes, that's what it seems like to me. I guess I've always pictured Claire getting married to someone different from that. Someone like one of the sons of some of the people we know, like Jeff Singleton or Bill Knox.
MERIWETHER Yeah, I know what you mean.
MRS. MERIWETHER I think we ought to talk to her about it. We should tell her what we think, in a nice way, of course.
MERIWETHER I agree. Of course, Claire is quite mature now. She's 24 and can think for herself, but as soon as I get a chance, I'll let her know what we think.
MRS. MERIWETHER (in a tone relief) Yes, she's a good girl. She's always listened to what we have to say.
Richard had the television on and was watching the Republican National Convention. He wasn't especially interested in watching it, but there was nothing else on the other channels that he particularly wanted to see. He was cleaning the apartment and watched or listened as he had the chance. Nixon had just been nominated--as was clearly expected--as the 1972 Republican Presidential candidate. He was starting to give his acceptance speech. As he delivered the speech, he periodically looked up stiffly and mechanically to look at the audience. A television camera gave a close profile shot of him. He blinked rapidly and nervously every time he looked. The blinking made him appear arrogant and self-righteous.
The phone rang. It was Kathy. It must have been two months since he had talked to her, Richard figured. He had hardly seen her at all in the last few months, especially not since he had been seeing Claire more often. He had probably seen her an average of twice a month in the last six months. He admitted to himself that it had become a strange relationship, even more than it had been before. Still, he couldn't break it off completely, although he had been resolved to do so several times. There were times when he felt lonely or with anxiety, and it was reassuring to be able to see Kathy. This had been the case several times when Claire had not been able to do something because she had another engagement. Sometimes these engagements were with her female friends, and sometimes they were with other guys. This was acceptable to Richard. It had to be since he and Claire had clearly agreed to see other people, and she didn't seem to be in any way inclined to change that agreement. He still couldn't help but feel jealous and anxious whenever he felt Claire was going on a date with some other guy.
Richard had recently decided not to see Kathy anymore. If and when he saw her again, it would be strictly as friends. He knew it was just better to keep sex out of the picture. It hadn't been very relaxed the last few times. It had given both of them a good release of tension, but that was about it. Kathy had seemed more distant than ever. She also seemed to want to make a complete break in the relationship, in the sexual part at least. She didn't say anything about the situation, but Richard felt that she was uncomfortable. Neither one of them spoke about their feelings on the situation. Richard thought Kathy had been dating others. Richard felt a little jealous to hear that, even though he no longer had any romantic feeling for her. He thought about his emotional reactions and couldn't figure out why he still felt jealous. In any case, Kathy told him she wasn't getting emotionally attached to anyone else--no one particularly interesting. She went out but not that much. Richard felt that she still had hopes that their relationship would catch fire again. She never said it, but her entire behavior suggested that. Whenever he saw her, she still encouraged him to come around more often, although she wasn't pushy about it.
Nixon was delivering his speech, "The difference in this election year is the difference between the work ethic and the welfare ethic."
After making the usual greetings, Richard noticed that Kathy's voice sounded strange. She seemed very nervous.
"Gee," she said softly, "I haven't seen you in a while."
"I've been pretty busy lately," he replied. "There's a lot to be done at work. I had been thinking about coming to see you soon." They went on to talk about some minor things.
Nixon was going through his speech, " . . . . that here in America a person should get what he works for and work for what he gets.
"Let me illustrate the difference in our philosophies. Because of our free economic system, what we have done is to build a great building of economic wealth and money in America. It is by far the tallest building in the world, and we are still adding to it."
Kathy continued the conversation, " . . . . and the landlord is raising the rent a lot next month, so we're going to look around for a new place, although we still like this place a lot. We might stay here anyway even with the higher rent. We can afford it, but we hate to put up that much money." Kathy had gotten a job over a year ago as a receptionist and was making more money than before.
Richard talked about his apartment, "I'm perfectly satisfied with my place. I don't . . . . " He talked about some furniture he had recently bought for it.
"Richard, I might as well get to what I called about," said Kathy after Richard had finished. She sounded more calm than in the beginning of the call, and she sounded determined to state clearly what was on her mind. "Richard I'm pregnant. I'm three month's pregnant, and it was you. I haven't been with anyone else."
Richard's mind started racing in confusion and fright as she continued to talk. He didn't dispute her claim that there had been no one else. He immediately felt that was true and that she wasn't out to do him in. It was all other kinds of questions that started going through his mind immediately. He was angry with himself and with his luck. All this time, and now she had to get pregnant. He couldn't understand it. It wasn't fair, and here he had just decided to definitely avoid sex with her. And then he kept asking himself what Claire would say if she found out. What would she do?
KAT HY I found out Friday, but I had to work up the courage to call you. I'm sure you're not happy about it.
RICHARD How could it happen? Damn, I don't understand how it could happen? You were still taking the pill, weren't you?
KATHY Yes, I never stopped taking it. I was careful. I know I was, but the pill isn't perfect, you know. A lot of people think it is, but it isn't. It's more than 99% effective but not 100%. Sometimes it doesn't work. The doctor old me that a pregnancy occurs in about one out of every 400 times. I guess that was one of those times. That's just the way it happened.
NIXON We have launched an all out offensive against crime, against narcotics, against permissiveness in our country.
I want the peace officers across America to know that they have the total backing of their President in their fight against crime.
RICHARD (gently but nervously) Well, you are going to get an abortion, aren't you? You told me before you approved of abortion, and you said you would get one if anything happened. You haven't changed your mind, have you?
KATHY No, I still believe in abortion. I just felt I wanted to talk to you.
RICHARD (in a nervous tone) What do you mean? What's there to talk about? I think you better get an abortion as soon as possible before very much time goes by.
KATHY (hesitatingly) Well, I still thought it would be better if we got together first. Just to discuss the whole thing.
RICHARD I still don't understand. You say you're willing to get an abortion, so it's simply a matter of seeing the doctor. He'll tell you all you need to know. It's not supposed to be a complicated thing. I wouldn't be able to tell you anything more than he knows. I don't see how I could be of any help.
NIXON And we will never stain the honor of the United States of America.
KATHY (in a more emotionally exasperated tone) I'm not talking about you giving me medical advice. I just want to talk to you about . . . . about the whole thing. That's all. I want to talk about what's happened. I would feel better if I talked to you.
RICHARD (nervously) Well, I don't see what we would gain from it. I . . . . I'm sorry about what happened but it just happened. It was an accident. We can't do anything about it but remedy the situation. And I know you're not talking about marriage because . . . . you know . . . . I, I don't think either one of us is really ready for that, not at all. I just don't think people should jump into marriage without thinking about it and being sure about it. And a pregnancy doesn't make it any different. I don't think a pregnancy should make people jump into a marriage any quicker. People do it all the time to protect their reputation or for the child, but they create more problems than they solve. They eventually wind up unhappy anyway.
KATHY I agree. I agree. I'm not saying I'm set on your marrying me just because I'm pregnant. I'm just saying it would feel better--no matter what happens--if I saw you in person and we had a good talk. And it's not the same on the phone. You know I don't feel at all the same talking on the phone. In person it's so much different.
RICHARD Yeah, I know you've never liked to talk on the phone.
KATHY And we don't have to get married, at least not just because I'm pregnant. (Hesitating) Well, I just would like to see you, that's all. I hope you come over . . . . really.
RICHARD I don't know, Kathy. I just don't think it would be a good idea, to tell you the truth. I don't think we would decide anything different than that you should get an abortion as soon as possible. I think it would just make it harder on both of us if we saw each other before that. You really should do it as soon as possible. Just do it and let me know afterward, O.K.?
KATHY (hesitating) O.K.
RICHARD O.K. Good luck with the whole thing. It won't be bad at all. Don't worry. O.K.?
KATHY Yeah, I'll see you. Bye.
RICHARD Good-bye.
Richard met Ralph after work. He hadn't seen Ralph in quite a while. He lost track of him after he started to work. He was still glad to see him and talk to him. He still found it easy and comforting to talk to Ralph. They had gotten together at Ralph's suggestion. He had called the night before and asked Richard if they could get together after work the next day. Ralph said he had something important he wanted to talk to Richard about, but he didn't specify what it was. It was almost a month after Richard had talked to Kathy on the phone. Richard and Ralph went to eat dinner at a restaurant, and then they went to a park in Santa Monica that they had often gone to since they were kids. They first talked what each had been doing lately.
RALPH (as they walked around) I guess it's time to get down to what I wanted to talk to you about. Kathy's roommate Cindy called me last week. I tried to get ahold of you several times since then, but I guess you were pretty busy. You weren't home each time I called up. Cindy told me Kathy was pregnant.
RICHARD Yeah, I was going to get around to telling you about that.
RALPH She said you and Kathy had talked on the phone about a month ago. Kathy wanted to see you, but you haven't gone around to see her.
RICHARD Yeah, that's right. I thought it would be worse if I saw her. I told her that. I don't know what she's waiting for. She ought to get on and get an abortion.
RALPH Well, Cindy said that Kathy has been really depressed. She doesn't want to talk much. Cindy does say that Kathy isn't against an abortion, but she says Kathy wants to see you before she goes through with it. Anyway, Cindy says that Kathy has really been down lately and that she's even mentioned that she sometimes feels like killing herself! Kathy doesn't talk about it much. She's just blurted it out in angry, frustrated moments. Cindy says she doesn't think Kathy is really serious and that she can't imagine Kathy really going through with it. Still, Cindy said she called me to see if maybe I could talk you into at least just talking to Kathy. I told her I'd try because to me it doesn't sound like it would be such a big thing for you to talk to Kathy. I don't think anyone is trying to talk you into marrying her or anything like that. It sounds like Kathy is really sad and confused. It might be that all she wants to do is to talk with you before she goes on with the abortion. It would probably just make her feel better. I really don't think she would do anything as rash as commit suicide, but it does sound like she could use some help. It could make a big difference for her if you see her.
RICHARD It could, but I'll bet you anything it would create more problems. It wouldn't help. I know Kathy. She gets really emotional about things like this. She seems pretty quiet to most people most of the time, but believe me, when there's a crisis, she really gets out of whack. The thing is if I see her, I know she won't end up feeling better. She'll be worse. Whatever we decide--unless I tell her I'll marry her, she'll be just as down and feeling bad. She's just got to go through with it and get it over with.
RALPH I don't see how you can be so sure that talking to her wouldn't help. It seems to me that she could feel better afterwards. I mean just talking things out is a big help, for anyone. If that's the way she feels about it--that she wants to talk, then maybe it could do some good. You really can't be sure unless you try. Then at least you can know that you've done your part, that you've at least complied with her request. Whatever happens, it doesn't seem that you have that much to lose except a little time and grief.
RICHARD ( in a serious, business-like tone) I'm telling you, it wouldn't do any good. I know--and you should realize it, too--that what she really wants is for me to break down and tell her I'll marry her. She may not say that to anyone else, and she may not even think it to herself. I mean she probably isn't calculating it out. I know she isn't demanding or insisting. She hasn't been bugging me at all about it like she could. But deep down inside, emotionally and subconsciously, I'm sure that's what she really would like to see happen.
RALPH Well, I don't know about that.
RICHARD And if I talk to her, I'm not going to break down. I'm not going to tell her that I'll marry her. It would be the stupidest thing to do. I think it's been pretty obvious for a long time--both to her and me--that marriage for us just isn't in the cards. I know I certainly haven't shown any kind of interest in that respect for a long, long time. I admit I probably should have broken off any kind of relationship a long time ago, but it was still pretty clear that there was no big interest on my part.
Now that I've been seeing Claire, it would definitely be out of the question to go back with Kathy. I like Kathy as a person. She's got a lot of real good traits, but I don't really think of her anymore as any kind of a romantic possibility. Actually, I don't know that I ever did. I really like Claire. She's a lot more appealing to me. She's more my type definitely. Kathy is warm and sincere and loyal, but that's about it. There are so many things in which Claire has Kathy beat all over. She's beautiful. She always turns the heads of people when she walks into a room. She has that classic look. Then she's well educated. She went to college and is well informed on many things. She can certainly hold a sound, intelligent conversation. Like at a cocktail party, I've seen her talk to different people, both men and women, on a variety of subjects. And it's not that she's some sort of bookworm that knows everything in detail. She just knows how to ask the right questions and say the right things. Then she has so much polish, so many of the social graces that make her function perfectly in a social situation.
RALPH From what you just said and from the things you've told me that you liked about her before, it sounds too much to me like if you might be attracted to her because it would be a social and professional advantage for you to have a wife with traits like hers. It might be an unconscious thing on your part, but I wonder if you've thought about it. Do you know what I mean?
RICHARD I'm not sure I know what you're getting at, but you are right about my thinking of her as a possible wife in the future. We haven't talked about it, so it wouldn't be in the very near future. But I certainly have thought about it as a definite possibility, and I think she has, too.
RALPH I take it you're still seeing a lot of each other.
RICHARD Well (pausing), we have been seeing each other regularly, but she has seemed a little more aloof lately. I don't know why. I think maybe she's just been busier during the summer. I know she hasn't acted the same since about last June. I remember in April and May we were having a great t time. We were doing a lot of things together. But I'm not really worried. People's feelings go up and down, and Claire is the kind of girl who takes things gradually and thinks them over carefully.
RALPH Well, whatever your feelings on marrying Claire or Kathy or whoever, I still think it would be better if you just saw Kathy. I don't think she necessarily wants to put a clamp on you. It seems to me that probably she wants some emotional support from you whatever she decides to do. It might sound unnecessary or strange to you, but I can see where someone would really feel much better with that support, especially someone who might still feel an emotional attachment to you. It might sound strange to you, but then you're not the one who has to go through the experience. You're also not Kathy who is more emotionally weak than you and therefore needs more support. She may be weak for a variety of reasons. It may be her own individual biological makeup or it might be closely related to her past experiences. Whatever the reason, it's still an undeniable fact.
RICHARD Believe me, it's better not to see her. It would just be more hassle for both of us. It would mean a lot of pain.
RALPH (exasperated with a trace of anger) I think that's what it is. It would be just too much trouble for you.
RICHARD (insisting) No, that's not the only thing. It would be a lot of pain for her, too. It's just a simple matter of her doing what has to be done. Besides, I'm really very busy these days.
RALPH (now sadly resigned) I don't know. It just seems to me you ought to be able to see it our way.
Richard's brother Mike had come to his apartment tonight. Richard was in the kitchen beginning to prepare a salad to go with the pizza that they would have for dinner. It was October 20th, a month after he had the conversation about Kathy with Ralph. He hadn't 't thought very much about the situation since then. He had been busy, and it was a little troublesome to think about the dilemma. Besides, he still believed he could do nothing about it.
Mike was now a senior at UCLA. Richard found it hard to believe that time had gone by so quickly. Mike had not been in Richard's apartment since the day he had helped him move in. He had no need to come see him. They saw each other often enough at their parents' house. They had never been that close in any case. Mike had just finished going through and looking over Richard's apartment. Richard realized that his brother was still seriously committed to social change. He had been working hard in such activities since high school and seemed determined to continue. One thing he could say about him was that he wasn't phony.
The radio was playing the new hit by Gilbert O'Sullivan, "Claire." Mike came into the kitchen. He was wearing tan corduroy pants and Richard's old Army field jacket. He had a white T-shirt underneath and wore his hair long to his shoulders.
MIKE (in sarcasm but with a jesting smile). Man, this looks like a real bourgeois place with the color TV's and fancy furniture all over the place.
RICHARD (slightly irritated). Hell, don't knock it. It's a good life. I don't see anything wrong with a few nice things. It makes life pleasant. And don't make fun, you'll be living like this someday.
MIKE God, I hope not. There's nothing wrong with something basically decent, but I hope to hell I don't get carried away. (He paces around.) It's hard to believe that not so long ago you were going around talking about how terrible the war was and how it was so necessary to change society.
RICHARD (in a loud, emphatic tone) Hey, I still believe in that. I'm liberal. I smoke dope and things like that.
MIKE Wow. (Pause) Hey, if you're really that much against the war, I've got a proposition for you. I was going to ask if you could help anyway. I'm working for McGovern and I know they could use you. We need a lot of people. You could help around the L.A. office or make phone calls or something. Now is your chance. You used to complain that it was hard to find an organization that was really effective against the war. Getting McGovern in is probably the most effective way you could ever help. Even if he doesn't keep his promise about immediate, total withdrawal, he's always been a lot more sincere about stopping the war than Nixon.
RICHARD (in a lower tone than before) To tell you the truth, I've got grave doubts about McGovern's idea of immediate withdrawal. It sounds a little too rash along with some of his other ideas. I think he's just a little too far out.
MIKE (exasperated) Oh, no. I've heard so many people say that. They're all just afraid of new ideas, man. They don't even want to find out what those ideas are about and think them over.
RICHARD I'll tell you, I'm actually afraid of what will happen if McGovern wins.
MIKE Oh, no. I can't believe it.
RICHARD There are some guys at work who are campaigning for Nixon, and they've asked me to work with them. They said they could use me in making phone calls to Spanish-surnamed people.
MIKE I'm sure they could.
RICHARD Look, I think Nixon is doing the best he can. They are going through some serious negotiations to stop the fighting. Nixon is saying, "Peace is at hand" and that a treaty will be signed before election day. I think he knows what he's talking about. I bet he will end the war soon.
MIKE You should know better than to trust what he has to say. Right now he's running scared. He knows he should win the election easily, but he's still worried about a possible upset, so he's making all kinds of bullshit claims about ending the war. You should know better about him and his promises.
Then there's all the crooked bullshit going on--the milk deal, the wheat deal, the ITT antitrust deal. It's all so fishy. It looks like he's trying to get some big campaign contributions from those groups. (Gloomily) And then all the people aren't aware of all that or don't want to be aware of it. I don't know which one it is, but it looks pretty clear that they're going to vote him in again. I swear I don't know how Nixon has been able to get this far. (Raising his voice.) And then you, you're swallowing up all the propaganda--falling for all the old promises.
RICHARD (raising his voice angrily) Listen, I admit I'm confused and I'm not sure what's going to happen. I'm not sure he can be trusted. But who else can you trust? He probably knows something we don't. We've got to trust him.
MIKE (in sad disappointment) Oh, no. Now you're going to throw your hands up like so many other people. Leave it up to the government, to somebody else. (They are now in front of the table getting ready to sit down to eat. )
RICHARD (raising his voice in sad dismay) I don't know. I just want to be left alone in peace and quiet. I've tried to figure it out; I don't have any answers. Right now, I just want to be able to enjoy my life.
The telephone rang. It was early in the morning as Richard was getting ready to leave for work. It was Kathy's roommate.
CINDY (stern and clear) Hello, Richard, this is Cindy. Sit down and stay calm. Kathy killed herself. She cut her wrists. We found her this morning. She came in late last night after Susan and I had gone to bed. It must have happened then. There was blood all over the place. (She breaks into sobs. Pause) We called an ambulance, but they said she was already dead. I just thought I'd let you know.
RICHARD (in a hushed tone of disbelief). O.K., thanks a lot, Cindy.
He couldn't believe it. He started to sit down, but he remembered he had to go to work. He drove off in his car. It was a new 1973 Chevrolet Corvette. He was in a daze. He had been planning to go vote before he went to work but he forgot about it. Today was Tuesday, November 7. He felt bad. He didn't think it could happen. He couldn't believe it actually had. He felt like going to the beach. He would be late, but they would understand when he told them why.
He arrived at the beach and immediately got out of his car. He wanted to walk around. The beach was quiet and desolate. He was all alone. His mind had been in a turmoil since the phone call. He was trying to organize his thoughts, trying to decide what to judge of it all. He walked to the edge of the water and stopped. The loud, cyclic roar of the ocean filled his ears, permeated his entire body. He thought to himself:
You can't figure out what's going to happen in these things. You can't go around worrying about everybody else, about everything. A person has to live his own life. I've done all I could. I've always tried to do the best in dealing with other people and in life in general. I've done the best I could.