The Actor's Purity Test

Introduction:
As my mother pointed out, the title of this test is more than slightly oxymoronic. Nonetheless, if you want to measure your acting impurity, have fun. We all know that actors aren’t really normal people, so normal purity tests shouldn’t apply to us. And anyway, they don’t understand the Wonderfully Weird World of Acting, where the director told you to imagine yourself in love with that gorgeous hunk, and why don’t you guys go practice that kissing scene in private? Moreover, actors are not allowed the privilege of modesty, so normal dressing rules shouldn’t apply to us either. So, here’s your chance to prove your real impurity.

Details:
If you are straight, "someone" is a member of the opposite sex; bisexual, "someone" is a member of either sex; gay, "someone" is a member of the same sex.

The Actor's Purity Test was written by Julie Fennell, and converted for the internet by Jean Shepard. Please refer to the e-mail address at the bottom if you have any questions.

The Actors' Purity Test

Check all boxes for which your answer is "yes".
The "submit" button is at the bottom.

    Onstage Activities
  1. Have you ever stage-kissed someone on the cheek?
  2. Enjoyed it?
  3. Have you ever stage-kissed someone on the mouth?
  4. Enjoyed it?
  5. Been so grossed out you nearly vomited?
  6. Missed accidentally?(i.e., you were SUPPOSED to kiss them on the mouth, but didn't)
  7. Missed on purpose?
  8. Messed up repeatedly and intentionally during rehearsal?
  9. Practiced back-stage?
  10. Practiced utterly and completely outside the auditorium?
  11. Pretended it was someone else while you were doing it?
  12. Have you ever stage frenched someone?
  13. Really enjoyed it?
  14. Have you ever stage-kissed someone on any other part of their body above the neck?
  15. Below the neck?
  16. Have you ever pinched someone’s behind or had your behind pinched onstage?
  17. Enjoyed it?
  18. Have you ever been married onstage?
  19. Sighed wistfully during the process?
  20. Have you ever been involved in a bed scene onstage (ex. Pippin, NOT The Sound of Music’s "Lonely Goatherd")
  21. Wished it were for real?
  22. Have you ever done a seduction scene onstage?
  23. Gotten really aroused from it?
  24. Wished it were for real?
  25. Almost gagged when anyone mentioned it?
  26. Have you ever fantasized about someone you were standing next to onstage?
  27. Someone who had absolutely no romantic relation to your character?
  28. Have you ever lusted after someone with whom your stage relationship was that of parent-child or vice-versa?
  29. Have you ever been cast so that your romantic interest wound up being more than twice or half your age?
  30. Have you ever watched someone’s performance for reasons OTHER than their performing (i.e., to stare/fantasize about them)?
  31. Have you ever been picked up by someone in a show while you were portraying a nun/priest or other character of great virtue?
  32. Because you made it clear backstage that you were only acting?
  33. Have you ever gazed at someone from stage side for more than two minutes?
  34. Have you ever danced on a table onstage (ex. "Oom-pah-pah" from Oliver!)?
  35. Have you ever been involved in a really slinky dance (ex. "Big Spender")?
  36. Have you ever been involved in a really kinky dance (ex. "With You" from Pippin)?
  37. Have you ever done either 34, 35, or 36 in the hopes of impressing a particular someone backstage?
  38. In the audience?
  39. Have you ever sat on someone’s lap onstage?
  40. Have you ever, for any reason, orgasmed while onstage?

    41. The Weird World of Stage Relations

  41. Have you ever been involved in couch auditions?
  42. Did you get the part?
  43. Have you ever lusted after your director/choreographer/etc. (i.e., Person of Power [this would not include Props Master or Stage Manager unless they were much older than you, or wielded much authority])?
  44. Have you ever been kissed on the cheek by such?
  45. On the mouth?
  46. Actually had sex or oral sex with him/her?
  47. Have you ever been romantically involved with your co-star?
  48. As a result of the show?
  49. Have you ever had sex with a person with whom you were having a stage relationship of some form (dance partner counts)?

    50. Ahh… Costume Changes

  50. Have you ever lost your bra or underwear during a show?
  51. Have you ever been in a dressing room for the opposite gender accidentally?
  52. On purpose?
  53. Deliberately, because you were hoping to catch someone with their clothes off?
  54. Did you?
  55. Have you ever lusted after someone in your own dressing room?
  56. Have you ever furtively compared genitalia sizes with someone in your dressing room?
  57. Openly compared them?
  58. Have you ever run/walked/danced/etc. backstage with only your underwear on, outside your dressing room?
  59. In the hopes that someone would see you?
  60. Have you ever changed costumes in a completely unprotected area where someone could easily see you (i.e., stage-side)?
  61. Hoped someone would see you in the process?
  62. Have you ever watched someone change costumes in an unprotected area?
  63. Offered to help?
  64. Been accepted?
  65. Has your skirt/pants ever fallen off onstage?
  66. With nothing underneath?
  67. Has your shirt ever come off onstage?
  68. With nothing underneath?
  69. Have you ever worn just your underwear or its equivalent onstage (boxers count for guys; really short biking shorts for girls)?
  70. Have you ever been naked onstage?
  71. Had a lot of fun in the process?
  72. Danced that way?
  73. Been attacked when you got offstage—NOT by dressers?
  74. Have you ever had your clothes changed onstage (ex. Evita)

    75. Cast Party/Closing Night Crimes

  75. Have you ever gotten drunk at a cast party?
  76. Have you ever performed onstage while intoxicated?
  77. Have you ever gotten high at a cast party?
  78. Have you ever performed onstage while high?
  79. Have you ever kissed someone at a cast party or on closing night?
  80. Have you ever kissed lots of someones on either of these occasions?
  81. Have you ever engaged in major making-out sessions at a cast party?
  82. Openly, and in front of everyone?
  83. Including the chaperone(s)?
  84. Have you ever gotten someone drunk at a cast party to engage them in sexual relations of some form?
  85. Have you ever kissed/made out with a chaperone?
  86. Actually had sex or oral sex with him/her?
  87. Have you ever had sex with any member of the cast at a cast party?
  88. While one of you were high or drunk?
  89. While both of you were high or drunk?

    90. Miscellaneous Bad Backstage Behavior

  90. Have you ever lusted after a techie while you were an actor?
  91. Found yourself directing your eyes/voice to the part of the auditorium where they were?
  92. Have you ever helped put lipstick kisses on someone for a show (this counts double if you were a guy kissing a girl)?
  93. Have you ever missed a cue because you were flirting with someone backstage?
  94. Because you were engaging in any sexual activity precluding oral sex or sex?
  95. Because you were engaging in sex or oral sex?
  96. Have you ever put makeup on, or had makeup put on by someone you were really attracted to?
  97. While they/you weren’t wearing a shirt at the time to "keep it clean"?

    98. Relations with the Uninitiated

  98. Have you ever worn stage make-up outside the theatre to attract someone?
  99. Did it work?
  100. Have you ever been picked up by an audience member who was impressed by your performance?
  101. Were you playing a really slutty part at the time?
  102. Have you ever sat in an audience member’s lap during a performance (as part of your role)?
  103. Talked with them afterwards?
  104. Did more than talk?
  105. Have you ever blown kisses to the audience?
  106. Had someone blow one back?
  107. Have you ever auditioned for a show just because someone you like auditioned for it?
  108. Have you ever slept with Bob Fosse?

Email: eclecticatharsis@hotmail.com
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