"A good belly laugh is undoubtedly the cheapest medicine and the most effective there is. It is an instant cure for fear, panic, worry, tension, lack of confidence and social embarrassment, and a short course of it will cure ulcers, dyspepsia, migraine, depression and all other nervous and mental disorders.
But it's got to come from the gut - not just from the lips - but way down."
From "Old Bastards I Have Met." by Sam Weller.
A bloke went up to a very demure little lass at a party and said "Do you like cocktails?" and she said "I love them - tell me some."
Groucho Marx talking about his safari trip - "One morning I got up and shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know."
A notice over a pub urinal -
STAND CLOSE (The next poor bastard might be barefooted)
There are many good reasons for drinking;
One has just entered my head;
If you can't have a drink while you're living;
How the hell can you drink when you're dead.
It was visitors day at the funny farm, and one of the inmates is sitting in the middle of the lawn with a bucket of water and a fishing line in it.
A smartarse walks up and says "How many have you caught?" and the nut(?) says "You're the fifth."
An Irishman walked up to the bar and stuck his hand into his pocket and took out a little mannikin about six inches tall and stood him on the bar.
He said "I'll have a pint of Guiness, and give me a thimblefull of Reschs for me mate."
A bloke pointed to the mannikin and said "Hey Mick, is he a leprechaun?"
Mick said "Naw, he's a bloody Australian with all the bullshit squeezed out."
This guy decides to have a party and invites a lot of people, telling them to bring their friends. ON the invitation he puts "themed party - come as a human emotion".
On the night of the party the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a bloke covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest (in another colour).
He says to the guy "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and teh guy says "I'm green with envy". The host replies "Brilliant, come in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts.
He says to the woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and she replies "I'm tickled pink." The host says "I love it, come om in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes again and the host opens the door to see two naked gentlemen, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard, and the other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says "Christ, guys, what the hell do you think you look like, you could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"
The first guy replies (in a strong West Indian accent) "Well, I'm fucking disgusted, and my friend here has come in dispair."
This Scotsman came to the USA and was talking to his neighbour about learning more about the customs of his new land. The neighbour suggested he go see a baseball game since he'd learn a lot about American's there. So the Scotsman go off to the game...
A player goes to bat and WHAM! hits the ball and starts running to first base. The crowd around the Scotsman gets up and is yelling for the player to run, so thinking this is what any goos American does in this situation, the Scotsman too gets up and yells (in a heavy Scottish brogue) "Run man! Run!"
The next player gets up and WHAM! he too starts running for first. Again, and now really into it, the Scotsman gets up in unison with everyone and yells "RUN MAN, RUN!!"
Well, another player gets up to bat but this time they walk him. The Scotsman gets up and begins "RUN MAN!" but the guy next to him says "sit down Bud, he's got four balls so they walked him." Confused, the Scotsman hesitates, then gets up and yells "WALK WITH PRIDE MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!!"
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day though, so Peter had to tell the first one "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. SO finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and started hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell - but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The thrid man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
Brevity is the soul of wit. It can also be the condensation of wisdom;
You're full when you feel sophisticated but can't pronounce it.
Don't stand on your dignity. The foundations may be shaky.
One good thing about an egotist is that he's not always talking about other people.
With half truths make sure you get the right half.
Be wary of the would be expert because 'ex' means "had it" and a spurt is a drip under pressure.
I appreciate sympathy but I resent being felt sorry for.
He who laughs last must be slow in catching on.
Spoonerisms
What's the difference between a cavalry horse and a brewery horse?
The cavalry horse darts into the fray.
What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat?
The goldfish mucks about the fountain.
What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?
A bad marksman shoots and shoots and never hits.
Whenever there is a road accident each driver involved has to write a report of the occurance for the insurance company;
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn't have.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my hand through it.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
He was all over the road, and I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel.
I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found I had a fractured skull.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.
I saw the slwo-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the bonnet of my car.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and drove into the river.
A young boy comes home from school and his mother says, "what did you do today?" to which the boy replies, "Oh, the usual, I had a maths test, I got an A in spelling, and I had sex with my English teacher."
The mother, aghast, doesn't know what to say! She stutters and stammers and finally says "Go tell your father what you just told me!"
The boy goes to see his father and says "Gee, Mum is really mad." The father asks why. The boy replies, "I just told her what I did in school today - I had a maths test, got an A in spelling, and I had sex with my English teacher."
Well, the father is beside himself with joy. He gives his son a nudge and a wink and says "Congratulations - you passed a milestone. I tell you what - let's go out and celebrate. We'll have ice cream and then I'll buy you a new bike."
To which the boy says "The ice cream sounds great, but can we hold off on the bike for a few days - my arse is killing me."
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