Cat: What's that?
Rimmer: Human remains. Wait. Angle, five degrees right. Ten degrees up. Stop. There: some kind of writing on the floor. P-S-I-R-E-N-S. Psirens?
Kryten: The poor devil scrawled it in his death throes, using a combination of his own blood and even some lengths of his own intestines.
Rimmer: Who would do that?
Lister: Someone who badly needed a pen.
Cat: What I don't understand is why he went to the trouble of using his kidney as a full stop.
Rimmer: I don't think he meant that. It probably just..plopped out.
Me^2
Holly: Busy Dave?
Lister: Well, yeah, I am actually.
Holly: Oh, then you won't want to know about the two super light-speed fighters that are tracking us.
Lister: What??!!
Holly: I'll leave you to your bubble blowing mate.
Lister: No, Hol, come on, come on.
Holly: They're from Earth.
Lister: Three million years away?
Holly: They're from the NorWEB Federation.
Lister: What's that?
Holly: The North Western Electricity Board. They want you Dave.
Lister: Me? Why? What for?
Holly: For your crimes against humanity.
Lister: You what?!!
Holly: It seems when you left Earth three million years ago, you left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen.
Lister: Did I?
Holly: YOu know what happens to sausages left unattended for three million years?
Lister: Yeah, they go mouldy.
Holly: Your sausages Dave, now cover seven-eigths of the Earth's surface. Also you left seventeen pounds, fifty pence in a bank account. Thanks to compound interest you now own ninety-eight percent of all the world's wealth, but since you've hoarded it for three million years, nobody's got any money except you and NorWEB.
Lister: Why NorWEB?
Holly: You left a light on in the bathroom. I've got a final demand here for one hundred and eighty billion pounds.
Lister: A hundred and eighty billion pounds!! You're kidding!!
Holly:(wearing Groucho Marx disguise) April Fool.
Lister: But it's not April.
Holly: Yeah, I know, but I could hardly wait six months with a red hot jape like that under my belt.
Terrorform
(>lines are typed on computer)
Lister: >Help.Something is crawling up my leg. I think it's a taranshula.
Cat: You're playing that dumb adventure game!
Lister: >It's in my boxers. I think it's making a nest.
Cat: Well, buy a potion from Gandalf the Master Wizard - that's what I usually do.
Lister: >I'M SERIOUS.
Cat:(looks down, sees it, then begins typing too) >It has an eye the size of a meatball.
Lister: >Kill it.
Cat: >How?
Lister: I can't think straight. I've got a taranshula with an eye the size of a meatball setting up home in my joy department. Help me.
Cat: >I'm scared.
Lister: >YOU'RE scared? How d'you think I feel?
Cat: You haven't SEEN it!
Lister: >The lower half of my body has gone numb.
Cat: >That's probably for the best.
Lister: >It's moving. Oh *$%^**!!!!
Kryten's hand: >Hello. Kryten in danger. No time to explain. Follow.
Backwards
Lister: Cat...
Cat: Hmmm.
Lister: You ever see the Fintstones?
Cat: Sure.
Lister: You think Wilma's sexy?
Cat: Wilma Flintstone?
Lister: Maybe we've been alone in deep space for too long, but everytime I see that show her body drives me crazy. Is it me?
Cat: I think in all probability, Wilma Flintstone is the most desirable woman who ever lived.
Lister: That's good, I thought I was going crazy.
Cat: She's incredible.
Lister: What you think of Betty?
Cat: Betty Rubble? Well, I would go with Betty, but I'd be thinking of Wilma.
Lister: This is crzy. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?
Cat: You're right, we're nuts. This is an insane conversation.
Lister: She'll never leave Fred, and we know it.