On with the show:
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.
Sometimes I think I'ld be better off dead.
No, wait. Not me, you.
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, i don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have alot to learn about proper hammer maintenance
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw in a lake. that's called Houdini. Love is liking someone alot
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk. After that, I don't know, but maybe you could throw spome water in his face or something.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings. But what they don't tell you is every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on fire.
the wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a country fair or state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth.
If you want to be popular at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say: "Well, technically that's illegal." It might fit in with what somebody justsaid. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our cilivization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our real cililization. After that, we start to crash program of coming up with an impressive new cililization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye.
If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or another. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good.
if you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those baby pumpkins. maybe it'll make everyone think oh how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.
