I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Hard work is its own reward, but wouldn't you rather have the money?

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

If I can be of any help . . . you're in worse shape than I thought.

A bad habit never disappears miraculously; it's an undo-it-yourself project.

For Sale: Nordic Track, hardly used, call 555-1234, ask for Chubby.

NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, coughing, why-oh-why-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

Bad spellers of the world untie!

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

I worry that the person who thought up Rap may be thinking up something else.

Sex is nobody's business except for the three people involved.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences ... He thought he was God and I didn't.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Some days it feels like the whole world is a tuxedo and I'm a pair of brown shoes.

Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!.

Last night, the sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

Travel is very educational. I can now ask for "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

I clean my house every other day. Today is the other day.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Good sex can correct poor posture...or at least make it stand up straight.

I toss and turn for hours until I realize that making a salad isn't going to relax me.

She likes to be a bitch so much that it pisses her off when her period ends.

I bought a new boomerang but I can't seem to throw the old one away.

She's so cheap, she got a part time boob job.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

We shouldn't expect educators to be entertaining, or entertainmeners to be educational.

I'm starting to think that I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive was in it.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the Hell happened!

I got a postcard from a blonde friend of mine. It said, "Having a good time. Where am I?"

My Dad was a workaholic. Everytime someone mentioned work, he got drunk.

Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills...making the last car payment.

There are easier things in life than finding a good man... like nailing Jello to a tree, for instance.

If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples.

I won't argue with you because I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

I work hard because millions on Welfare depend on me.

That shirt of yours is so ugly, I wouldn't wear it to a "Shit Throw".

A good man is hard to find and a hard man is good to find.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.

If you're feeling lonely, if you're feeling blue, remember the mighty oak tree, was once a nut like you.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything.

"Four out of five people think the fifth is an idiot."

If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow, you have no today to be thankful for.

Birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we're practically living apart.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

If only women gossip, how do guys and their buddies keep track of "Who's easy?"

Why does mineral water that "has trickled through mountains for centuries", have a 'use by' date?

"Just say no!" prevents teenage pregnancy the way "Have a nice day" cures chronic depression.

I don't think, therefore I'm probably not.

I'm Not 50. I'm $49.95 Plus Shipping & Handling

Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

The face is familiar, but I can't quite remember my name.

It's what people don't know about each other that makes them such good friends.

I'm young at heart...slightly older in other places.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

If you have a headache, take an asprin, if you have a pain in the ass, break up with them.

Children act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock.

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

We don't stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing.

I named my dog 'Herpes' because he won't heel.

A man's life is spent between episodes of women being mad at him.

I saw a sign on the back of a dump truck that said: "Happiness is getting your load off."

Why do toasters have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp that no one would eat?

If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

Don't stay in bed all day, unless you can make money in bed all day.

Between 15 and 70, a man is like Iraq.....ruled by a dick.

I wonder why a gynecologist leaves the room when women get undressed?

I used to think I could pass gas silently until I got my hearing aid.

You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.

Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.

If you want to hire a good salesman, look for an ugly man with a beautiful wife.

In the last 30 years, I've gone from "whatever" to "Depends".

Sanity is the Playground for the Unimaginative

Behind every successful man stands a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

If you can count your money, you're not rich.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

There are still "incurable romantics" ... which I guess means we need better antibiotics.

People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

I stopped taking tranquilizers... I was starting to be nice to people I didn't even want to talk to.

It's going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the world after they inherit it.

You can pretend to be serious, but you can't pretend to be witty.

Are golf balls as painful as athlete's foot?

Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

You can't take it with you, but if you are clever, you can stash it where no one else can find it.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

I wonder who closes the door after the bus driver gets out.

I'm writing a book... I've got most of the page numbers done.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!

Marriages are made in heaven. But, again, so are thunder, lightning, tornados and hail.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Never trust a man with short legs... His brain is too near his ass.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance or a stranger.

Sometimes being in the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Everyone wants to save the earth, but nobody wants to help with the dishes.

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space, but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

The only place where success comes before work is the Dictionary.

"Etc." is a word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

A computer is almost human - except that it does not blame its mistakes on another computer.

"Hospitality" is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.

Take my advice, I'm not using it.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Never drive faster than your Guardian Angel can fly.

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

"Research" is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

They say age is just a number...unless it's your number.

My accountant came up with so many deductions, I had enough left over for bail.

Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do...and a woman's gotta do what he can't.

By the time you find greener pastures, you're too old to climb the fence.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Your lips look so lonely.... Would they like to meet mine?

If your parents didn't have children...chances are that you won't either.

I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.

At my age, actions creak louder than words.

I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

I drink so much, the last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it.

He's so stupid, his family coat of arms has ties at the back.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter'.

There's a party in my pants and you are invited!

I've got my laser printer set on "stun".

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Love is a complicated machine...sometimes all you need is a good screw to fix it.

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

"I used to do drugs... I still do drugs. But I used to, too."

"Without nipples, breasts would be pointless."

Every teenager should get a high school education...even if they already know everything.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.

"He's the kind of friend who will always be there when he needs you"

My body is a temple...with ample parking in the rear.

A man's wife is his better half, but his mistress is his better hole.

If I have to get male pattern baldness, I'd like zig-zags please.

The only reason I take my wife anywhere is so I don't have to kiss her goodbye.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

"Never tell the truth to those unworthy of it."

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.

Talk is Cheap - until you hire a lawyer.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

Middle age is that difficult period between adolescence and retirement when you have to take care of yourself

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.

I love you because we speak the same body language.

I've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?

Everybody repeat after me..."We are all individuals."

"I'm not going to vacuum till Sears makes one you can ride on"

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

Hookd on fonix reelly workd fer mee!

Don't be pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

Don't sweat petty things and don't pet sweaty things.

I think that crematoriums give discounts to burn victims.

Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust"

He's so open minded, his brains fell out.

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.

The nice part about dating a homeless girl is that after the date, you can drop her off anywhere.

"A truly perfect marriage would be one between a blind woman and a deaf man."

You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to.

"I searched for the bluebird of happiness, and found the chicken of despair."

Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon

Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

"Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley."

I am not fat, I am a nutritional overachiever.

Love is grand; divorce is ten grand.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

I am having an out of money experience.

You're body is like Visa. It's everywhere I want to be.

The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.

I've got a wonderful doctor. If you can't afford the operation, he touches up the X rays.

"I live in my own little world. But it's ok...they know me here."

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

I have the body of a God...Budah.

Too many people don't care what happens, so long as it doesn't happen to them.

My income seems to be the only thing I can't live without or within.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

"I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I'd be irresponsible too."

Sex is a killer...want to die happy?

When two's company, three's the result.

I am not honking because I love Jesus -- I'm honking 'cause you can't drive!

Talk is cheap, because supply exceeds demand.

I'm not saying she's dumb, she's just taken a detour off the information superhighway.

A jury consists of 12 people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

False hope is better than no hope at all.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.

My bed is broken, can I sleep in yours?

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

"Deja Moo - The feeling you've heard this BULL before"

I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes

Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you're an asshole.

Last night, the sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.

I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks.

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

Ya know honey, bigger is not necessarily better; and I can prove it.

Most people who are as attractive, witty and intelligent as I am are usually conceited.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

If you think your boss is stupid, remember; you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

I would engage in a battle of wits with you, but I never duel with and unarmed person.

The proctologist called...they found your head.

Just because your head is pointed, that doesn't mean you're sharp.

There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

"The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work, is that you end up at work."

Always remember to proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

I've been smoking for thirty years now and there's nothing wrong with my lung.

Let's have a party and invite your pants to come on down.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

If rabbit's feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?

I once read a book about anti-gravity. I just couldn't put it down.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I'm very modest...and damn proud of it.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question...Yes is the answer.

"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at."

You had no choice from where you came from, but you CAN choose where you go from here.

The measure of a man's intelligence is inversely proportional to the amount of time he keeps his mouth open.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

A perfectionist is one who takes great pains, and gives them to everyone else.

Go on. Add some variety to your sex life... Use the other hand!

My greatest fear is there is no such thing as PMS and this is really your personality.

I will not cheat on my wife, because I love my house

"If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"

If you've ended up in hell with someone, and you're still mad at them, where do you tell them to go?

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?

"Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen"

For Christmas, I got a new shirt and a piece of ass...they were both too big.

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!"

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There's a clock on the oven!

They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

"The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method."

Money isn't everything.... there's credit cards, money orders, and traveler’s checks.

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's been in so many motel rooms, her nickname is "Gideon".

"You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead."

Why don't you go stick your face in some dough and make gorilla cookies?

"She dyes her hair so much, her driver's license has a color wheel."

I've know her for many years -- in fact, we used to be the same age.

Sign at a nudist colony: "Sorry, clothed for winter"

I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in... she said "check books".

A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don't feel that men provide them with enough frustration.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's

"Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure."

I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago.
I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said " no".

"I have a cold or something in my head. It must be a cold"

All marriages are happy...it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.

I went to hell, it was full, so I came back.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.

If you can't read this, you're illiterate!

Guns don't kill people ... Driving 40 in the fast lane kills people.

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit."

It may be no accident that the word "menopause" invites the association "pause from men."

"The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything."

"A man is as old as the woman he feels."

She's so ugly, she works in a bakery, posing for animal crackers.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down 'till the thought goes away.

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

"Have you ever noticed... anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac."

The Meek shall inherit the earth....after we're through with it.

"Together we can lick pornography."

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I asked my wife why she never blinks during foreplay...She said she dosen't have time.

My girlfriend asked me, "Do You believe in love at first site"? I said, "At the first site of what"?

I've got furniture disease...my chest has fallen into my drawers.

If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?

If love is blind, then why is lingerie so popular?

Always guard your rear while you're in the hospital...You're in enema territory.

"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

The only way you could get stupider is to get bigger.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

If you can't find the time to do it right, how are you going to find the time to do it over?

Always be sincere, whether you mean it or not.

You know you're getting old when an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

"I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother."

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole

Jell-O is just Kool-Aid with a hard-on.

"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."

I used to work at a bra factory, but it went bust.

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, things that money can buy."

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

Love is like a rug. You can lay me, walk on me, even take me out and beat me

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

5 out of every 4 Americans has trouble with fractions.

Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!

The people who vote decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything

"We will continue having meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

My therapist says I have an obsession with revenge...we'll see about that.

"We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

"One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening."

Some people want the front of the bus; the back of the church and center of attention.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

Humor is to life what shock absorbers are to an automobile.

Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

It takes two to lie. One to tell the lie and one to listen.

I don't file my nails anymore...I just throw them away like everyone else.

Ideas won't work unless You do.

Are you a parking ticket? cause you have fine written all over you.

All I want is a warm bed and a kind word, and unlimited power.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

There is so much nudity on TV these days...I just sit there and shake my fist.

If you can't say anything nice...come sit by us.

A fool and his money is soon elected...

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

If all that you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.

Every teen-ager should get a high school education... even if they already know everything.

What if, at this very moment, you are living up to your full potential?

Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.

Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

I just checked a height/weight chart and found out that I am 4 inches too short.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Home is where you can say anything you like ...because nobody listens to you anyway.

"Just say no!" prevents teenage pregnancy the way "Have a nice day." cures chronic depression.

My wife says that when she tells me something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
When I tell her something, It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

She is so flat chested, when she looks down her blouse, the only bumps she sees are her knees.

Marriage is like a cage:
those outside are desperate to get in, and those inside are desperate to get out.

"If you have one eye on yesterday, and one on tomorrow, you'll be cockeyed today."

Love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That's why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

He who hesitates is not only lost - but miles from the next exit.

The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.

If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.

Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me".

The problem with being bisexual is that you get twice as many chances to be rejected.

I fought the lawn and the lawn won.

"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car."

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Two can live as cheaply as one ... for half as long.

"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast."

Don't be sexist -- broads hate that.

Save Your Breath...you'll need it to blow up your inflatable date!

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."

Hello dreamboat...oh, sorry shipwreck.

It was so cold today, my lawyer had his hands in his own pockets.

I had a fight with the wife and didn't see her for three days...
Then the swelling went down and I could see her out of one eye.

I haven't had sex since 1959. Of course it's only 21:00 now.

They say that money is not the key to happiness. If I had lots of money, I'd have the key made.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is, you never get to prove it.

Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.

All I want in life is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

You've been a bad girl. Go to my room.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

Few women admit their age, Few men act it.

If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, we could do it in public.

If you could kick the ass of the very person responsible for your troubles,
you wouldn't be able to sit down for a month.

"The trouble with talking too fast is, you may say something you haven't thought of yet."

I could retire nicely if I could sell my experience for what it cost me.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

I went to school to become a wit, but I only got halfway through.

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seatbelt.

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.

I found there was only one way to look thin...hang out with fat people."

Got kleptomania? Take something for it.

Men are like fast food...they never look as good in real life as they do on TV

I'm always careful to get something every day from the four basic food groups:
canned, frozen, fast and takeout.

"The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and said,
'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year'."

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have.
The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

All Muslims are forbidden to watch television in Afghanistan.
My wife thinks this is called "The Tellyban"

I knew a girl who went to beauty college and flunked cosmetics.
They let her take a make up exam.

A report said that Osama Bin Laden is hiding where no one else ever goes.
Police are searching all movie theaters that are showing the newest Pauly Shore movie.

Apparently the Irish army has surrounded a department store in Dublin.
They are acting on a tip that 'Bed Linen' is on the second floor.

"My uncle had a rabbit's foot for thirty years. His other foot was quite normal."

If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Why does Hot Point make refrigerators and Frigid Air make stoves?

It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop.

I don't know if I want to change the world or just toilet train it.

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."

I told my boss that I was having 'Deja-Moo'
That's the feeling that you've heard this bull before.

What's all the fuss about same-sex marriages?
I've been married for years, and I keep having the same sex.

"The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born,
and never stops until you stand up to speak in public."

The nicest thing about a nudist wedding is you don't have to ask
- you can see who the best man is.

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

Never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think

If you are willing to admit you are wrong when you are wrong, you are all right.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it's a forgery.

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.

I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.

I once made love to a female clown. It was weird because she twisted my penis into a poodle.

"In hotel rooms I worry. I think, I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked."

"I've recently discovered that I can predict the future. You'd think I would've seen that coming"

One woman's hobby is sometimes another woman's hubby.

It's what people don't know about each other that makes them such good friends.

I wear the pants in my family ... right under my apron.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty good

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

I wish that Hallmark would make a card that says, "Sorry, what was your name again?"

If someone calls me fat, I don't get angry. I just turn the other chin.

There is a guaranteed way to get what you want... want less.

I go to a woman dentist. It's a relief to be told to open my mouth instead of to shut it.

"My grandfather is hard of hearing and has to read lips.
I don't mind, but he uses those damn yellow high-lighters."

I walked into my doctor's office and said,"Doctor, I've eaten something that disagrees with me."
A voice from inside my stomach said, "No, you haven't."

Character is like a fence - it cannot be strengthened by whitewash.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

Those who say they "sleep like a baby", haven't got one.

Looking for 'true love' is like buying a book on how to read.

The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes in it.

A perfectionist is one who takes great pains, and gives them to everyone else.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

I can't say that my wife is outspoken...at least, not by anyone I know of.

"In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat, 15 percent said their ass was too
thin and the other five per cent said they didn't care - they would have married him anyway."

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life.
I think he was right. I've only been jogging once and feel ten years older already.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older...
Little things like, being spanked every day by a middle aged woman.

I stayed in a foreign hotel that had no bathroom...it was uncanny.

There would be fewer problems with children
if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.

I've never had premonitions, but I think one day I might.

All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble.

I suffer from a sexually transmitted disease...children.

When I was a kid, we were so poor, we would go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers

People who say that they don't fart are probably full of hot air.

When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.

If we find life on other planets, what would happen to the Miss Universe pageant?

I went to a strip mall the other day. Was I ever disappointed...Everybody else had on clothes.

If you hang yourself, you die of your own free will and accord.

Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.

I was cheating on my wife with my blonde secretary...
She found lipstick on my collar, covered with White-Out.

The Ford Motor Company is unveiling an electric car with a body entirely made of plastic...
I believe they're calling it 'the Cher'.

I love oral sex...it's the phone bill I hate.

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Anyone who told you to be yourself, couldn't have given you worse advice.

Confidence is the feeling a person has before he fully understands the situation.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

"Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you."

"No relationship is all sunshine, but two people can share one umbrella if they huddle close."

People say that hard work never killed anybody,
but did you ever know anybody who rested to death?

I've invented a fly spray that doesn't kill flies;
it makes them so sexually active, you can swat two at a time.

My wife says that the difference between a husband and childbirth is that
one can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

"I tried to get a job at Office Depot. I didn't need the money.
I just wanted to steal from a company that would never run out of office supplies."

You don't get to choose how you're going to die...only how you're going to live.

Midlife crisis is that moment you realize your children and your clothes are about the same age.

When a man of 60 marries a girl of 21, it's like buying a book for someone else to read.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier.

Regular naps prevent old age...especially if you take them while driving.

Nobody is perfect...until you fall in love with them.

Men are like eggs...not good for much until you crack 'em.

Two blondes walked into a bar...you'd think one of them would have seen it.

Practice safe eating. Always use condiments.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun--and fun is a lot more work.

Even on the most exalted throne, you are still sitting on nothing but your ass.

The difference between secretaries and wives is:
Secretaries get a little behind at work; wives get a big behind at home.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

"At the mall I saw a kid on A leash. I think if I ever have a kid, it's gonna be cordless."

My mother said, `You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate'
I said, 'Just you wait'.

My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips

Shouldn't a self-addressed envelope be addressed to "Envelope,"

"I feel like a 20-year-old. But there's never one around."

"Love is never angry. Love is always patient. How many times do I have to tell you that?

"Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise."

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphillis.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

"If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books."

"I was married for a short time...
Just long enough to realize that all those comedians weren't joking"

"I drank a whole bottle of bug repellent by mistake the other day....Now my fly doesn't work"

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3.

I'd walk a mile for one of your smiles ...and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

I saw a pirate movie the other day... It was rated ARRRRRRRRR!

"If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything."

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

The Law of Common Sense - Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The best things in life are free. So, how many kittens do you want?"

"FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."

Marraige is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution

If it's really a supercomputer, how come the bullets don't bounce off when I shoot at it?

If I ever caught another man flirting with my wife, I'd hide his leader dog.

"Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are the object of scorn
to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams."

One of my pet peeves is women who don't put the toilet seat back up when they're finished.

It's simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say, and then don't say it.

"In school I was never the class clown, but more the class trapeze artist ...I was always being suspended."

I have a devoted wife who lets me give it to her both ways...Cash or Credit.

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

I've told you a million times to stop exaggerating!

A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought, what good would that do?

Just when you get really good at something, you won't need to do it anymore.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

"People who are always making allowances for themselves, soon go bankrupt."

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

"All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner."

"I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed"

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

How come you've never seen a plumber bite his nails?

I'm young at heart. Slightly older in other places.

"A true friend stabs you in the front."

Life is really like a shower. One wrong turn and you're in hot water.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Hitch hiking is not a good rule of thumb.

Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.

Think positive. If you fall in the creek, check your pockets for fish.

On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points.

You're not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

"Distance doesn't matter; it is only the first step that is difficult."

"I drink, therefore I am."

"When you get something for nothing, you just haven't been billed for it yet."

You're so ugly, a canibal would take one look at you, and order salad.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

"The right train of thought can take you to a better station in life."

If girls get training bras, why can't boys get training condoms?

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

Beauty is only a light switch away.

Anything worth doing is worth getting someone else to do.

"Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa."

"Fear not that thy life shall come to an end, but rather fear that it shall never have a beginning."

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

"The future is much like the present, only longer."

Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

A boy becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

"Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others."

Love is photogenic...it needs darkness to develop.

Mondays aren't so bad...it's my job that sucks.

Support your local undertaker. Drop dead.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.

I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

"It's been a lifetime struggle for me to stop spending my lifetime struggling."

Despite their other contributions to our society, lawyers can still be a great source of protein.

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

I used to be an "incurable romantic", untill I married an antibiotic.

If those space scientists are so smart, why do they all count backwards?

Life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.

Nothing in the world is more expensive than a woman who's totally free for the weekend.

When I release the guilt of the past and the worries of the future, I am joyful in the present.

In prosperity, our friends know us; in adversity, we know our friends.

"If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?"

Don't marry a tennis player - love means nothing to them.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Ideas are great provided they don't degenerate into work.

Love: the quest; Marriage: the conquest; Divorce: the inquest."

Last night, the sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Before you borrow money from a friend, decide which one you need more.

My wife and I finally became sexually compatible...We achieve simultaneous headaches.

Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

Even a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out.

The more you say, the less people remember.

"I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected."

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

If at first you don't succeed... blame someone else and seek counseling.

"A gentleman always remembers a woman's birthday, but never remembers her age."

"To stop smoking is very easy. I ought to know, I've done it a thousand times."

Politeness is a small price to pay for the goodwill and affection of others.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences - He thought he was God.

I'm not confused, I'm just well mixed.

The height of your accomplishments will equal the depth of your convictions.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

"My boyfriend has no trouble committing . . . adultery."

If you're "not yourself today", enjoy it while ya can

She's so dumb, she thinks an 'innuendo' is an Italian suppository.

The best way to get even, is to forget.

A successful marriage isn't finding the right person - it's being the right person.

Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom.

I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe somebody will adopt you.

Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.

Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.

Don't let your superiors know you are better than they are.

If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.

The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the letter.

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

We must believe in free will. We have no choice.

"Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been."

If everything seems to be going well, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on.

The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice you give others.

As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Anything preying on my mind would starve to death.

Wisdom consists in knowing what to do with what you know.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool.

The main trouble with mental notes is, the ink fades so fast

"Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!"

Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it.

"I want patience, and I want it now!"

I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.

Act my age? I've never been my age before. I have no experience.

Youth looks ahead, old age looks back, and middle age looks tired.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

What's a girl like you, doing in a nice place like this?

"Directory assistance" has still not been able to tell me where all my single socks are.

The most enjoyable way to follow a vegetable diet is to let the cow eat it, and then eat the cow.

The only reason my wife has an orgasm, is so she'll have something else to moan about.

It's no use having a good memory unless you have something good to remember.

"Speak when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret."

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to.

It may be no accident that the word "menopause" invites the association "pause from men."

Trouble is 10% what happens to you and 90% of how you respond to it.

"Fear is just excitement in need of an attitude adjustment"

"The only way to have safe sex is to abstain...from drinking."

I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.

The difference between champ and chump is U.

Being overweight just sort of snacks up on you.

A television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer

A printer consists of three parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

I feel like the whole world is a car wash and I'm riding a bike.

An apology is a good way to have the last word.

Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.

"I finally quit smoking by using the patch. I put six of them over my mouth"

Don't mind your make-up, you'd better make your mind up.

"Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15"

'I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun....any questions?"

I'm searching for myself. Has anyone seen me?

If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still only #2?

Don't cry because its over; smile because it happened.

Birthdays are good for you: the more you have, the longer you live

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

"I'm in therapy now. I used to be in denial, which is a lot cheaper"

The tragedy of life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach.

All answers questioned here.

When sailors want to get clean, they throw themselves overboard and wash up on the beach.

Ever notice how ignorance picks-up confidence as it goes along.

Blessed are the pessimists, for they have made backups.

Some people grow up and spread cheer; others just grow up and spread.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. She gets mad if I interrupt her.

"Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get."

My son has taken up meditation - at least it's better than sitting doing nothing.

Half of my ancestors were women.

"If you can't accept losing, you can't win."

I'm dating a homeless woman. It's easier to talk her into staying over.

"The four stages of man are: infancy, childhood, adolescence, and obsolescence."

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kick boxing.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at ex-lovers, and miss.

I can handle pain until it hurts.

If there is no GOD, who pops up the next Kleenex?

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

If bankers can count, why do they have eight windows and only four tellers?

I didn't know my uncle had an upper plate until it came out in conversation.

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading."

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do...and a woman's gotta do what he can't.

I can't think right now...I'm working

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight!

Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.

"Goodbye, and thanks for the radio", said Tom with a short wave.

Someone robbed the wig factory. Police have been combing the area for clues.

The difference between gossip and news is whether you hear it, or tell it.

A fool and his money are soon elected

"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"

"As a matter of fact" is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn't.

"I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home."

"My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't."

If money can't buy happiness, I guess I'll just have to rent it.

If Clinton were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were just stopping for ice.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

Did you hear that A & P and Stop-N-Shop have merged? The new store's called "Stop 'n Pee".

"To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it."

If you've ended up in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses."

A very wise mute once said :

"My ex’s parents always told him he could be what he wanted to be, so he became an asshole."

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."

If we were cockroaches, I'd want to have all 456,938 of your children.

"The greatest monarch, on the proudest throne is still obliged to sit upon his own arse."

A signature tells a lot about a man, sometimes even his name.

With the divorce, I got custody of the kids and she got custody of the money.

Everyone seems normal... until you get to know them.

While golfing the other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

Old Fishermen Never Die; They Just Smell That Way

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

"It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics."