A Blonde and a Brunette were chatting over coffee when the Blonde said, "I've been experiencing a strange and painful side effect from coffee. I'm fine when I drink it black, but if I use cream, or sugar, I get a stabbing pain in one eye."

The Blonde took a sip of her coffee. "Owwwww!" she cried. "There it goes again!"

The Brunette said "Betty...take the spoon out of the cup."

I drove by the fire department the other day,
and they had a big public awareness sign that read,
"Are your house numbers visible?" I thought,
"Who the hell cares? Just stop at the house that's on fire?!"

I don't know how men get away with an office romance...
The only thing I've ever done behind my wife's back is to zip her up.

My stock broker called to say that my stocks have split.
I asked if they had doubled.
He said "no...they've split...they're gone completly".

I'm in a platonic relationship...It's play for her and a tonic for me.

Working with a computer is a lot like an erect penis.
It stays up as long as you don't f*ck with it.

If you had bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago,
it would now be worth $49.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1000.

With Worldcom, you would have less than $5 left.

If you had bought $1000 worth of beer, one year ago,
drank all the beer, then turned in the cans
for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is
to stick to drinking and recycle.

I understand that Wisconsin, the dairy state, is planning to change the slogan on their license plates from: Wisconsin, The Dairy State to: Wisconsin, Come Smell Our Dairy Air.

At church on Sunday, our dynamic young preacher raised himself to his full height, leaned over the pulpit, and boomed, "Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your mouf."

These days, I'm having Social Security sex... I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

After God had created man he stepped back and admired his work:
"Look at this perfect physique, the strong but yet handsome features,
the well balanced proportions, I have to say, I am in awe with myself."

Then he turned and looked at the woman.
After he had been studying her for a while he said:
"Well, I guess you will have to wear make-up."

Middle age is when is when you still have something on the ball
but you are just too tired to bounce it.

My parents sent my brother through law school. He graduated.
Now he's suing them for wasting seven years of his life.

For the first time in five years, street crime is up.
Just on one street though ... Wall Street!

A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.

"It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."

"This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my sister will appreciate it."

"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."

Men and women are so different...

Women go out and say, "Before I go to bed with a man,
I want to know who he is as a person."

Guys are thinking, "Let's get them in bed
before they find out who we are."

A man walked into a pet shop, pointed to a large dog in a kennel and said:

"How much do you want for that big dog?"

"Fifty dollars," replied the clerk.

"And how much for that small fella there?" asked the customer.

"One hundred dollars,"was the reply.

"And for that tiny one?"

"Two hundred dollars,"said the clerk.

The customer looked puzzled.

"How much,"he asked,"will it cost me if I don't buy a dog at all?"

A telephone rang, and someone picked it up.

A voice from the other side said, "Is your number 444 444 4444?"

"Yes," came the reply.

"Could you call 911? My finger is stuck on the phone."

Men are like lottery tickets...

Even though some scratch themselves, you rarely find a winner.

The 9th Circuit Court ruled that it was unconstitutional to have schoolchildren
recite the pledge of allegiance because it contains the phrase
"one nation under god"

To me, the answer is simple, just look at a map!
They should change it to 'One nation under Canada'.

When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear."

Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"

"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back."

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains,
because the average man can see better than he can think.

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are from Louisiana visiting a relative at the Huntsville, Texas prison. Walking along Sam Houston Street, they see a sign which reads:'Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair.

Boudreaux says to his pal, "Hey Thib, LOOK! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Lafayette, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talkin' cause if they hear our Cajun accent they might not serve us. I'll speak in my best Texas drawl."

They go in and Boudreaux orders 50 suits at 5.00 each, 100 shirts at 2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at 2.50 each.

The owner of the shop says, "You're from Louisiana, aren't you?"

"Oh, ... yes," says a surprised Boudreaux. "How come you know dat?"

The owner says, "Cause this is a dry-cleaners."

According to the 'Home & Garden' network,
some women get more satisfaction from doing housework than from having sex.
I understand that. At least when they're doing housework, they get to finish.

I asked my Mom if I was a gifted child...
She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

A study in London showed that the kind of "male face" a woman finds attractive
can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features,
and if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with
a heavy pair of scissors shoved in his forehead.

A friend of mine is responsible for alumni relations at his high-school alma mater.

Last fall, a member of the Class of 1986 returned the standard alumni questionnaire with this response:

Marital Status - Not good
Wife's Name - Plaintiff

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world...I'll probably leave a stain.

Doctors can be frustrating...
You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says,
"I wish you'd come to me sooner."

Everyone seems to be wondering why the Arab terrorists are so quick to commit suicide?

Let's see now: No premarital sex. No booze. No bars. No television. No Internet.
No organized sports, stadiums, tailgate parties. No Hooters. No meat from a pig.
Sand everywhere and not a dune buggy in sight.
Rags for clothes and hats.
Eating only with your right hand cause you wipe your butt only with your left.
Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and no doctors.
No music. No radio. You can't shave. You can't shower.
Bar-B-Q donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
Oh, and then they tell you that when you die it all gets better...

Who wouldn't go for it?

Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't even get into my own pants.

Two fathers-to-be met in the maternity waiting room.

"Can you believe this? The first day of our vacation, and she goes into labor!"

The second one looks at the first and says, "What do you have to complain about? This is our honeymoon!"

College is like a woman...
You work so hard to get in,
and nine months later you wish you'd never come.

Speeches should be like a woman's dress...
long enough to cover the subject, yet short enough to keep it interesting.

Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils:
People who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.

At a cattle sale, two Texas ranchers were talking.

"Ya know son", said the first, "I can get in my pickup and drive all day and still not reach the end of my ranch".

The second rancher thought for a bit, then replied, "Yep, I had a truck like that once".

A fellow turned to a woman sitting beside him in a bar and said; "Drinking makes you look beautiful."

She looked a little surprised and answered, "but I haven't had a drink yet."

He smiled and said, "no, but I have!"

You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.

Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you.

Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Mike: "Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit."

Doctor: "Ok, bring her in and I'll try to help."

Mike: "Fine, but whatever you do, don't cure her."

My wife is so immature...she barges in while I'm taking a bath and sinks all my boats!

At my age, I'm taking Ginkgo-Viagra.
I want to remember what sex was like.

The makers of Viagra have announced that they developed a pill to increase wetness in females.

The pill will be called "Niagara".

While I was attending a Law course, the 'Audi alteram parten' rule was explained to us.

Translated it means "To hear the other party" After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.

One man responded, "My Wife"

My friend is engaged in a major custody battle.

His wife doesn't want him and his mother won't take him back.

Jill and Linda went shopping and ended up in the bathing suit department.

It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since Jill had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought Linda's advice.

"What do you think?" Jill asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," Linda replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations...

And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows.

My new wife told me,
"The two best things that I cook are meat loaf and apple dumplings."

I said, "Which is this?"

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel. He got to his room and opened up the Gideon's Bible to page 1, then called the front desk and asked the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.

After a while he started making passes, she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

"It's OK," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."

So after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate sex.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone had written in pencil:

"The hat check girl puts out!"

"The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific.

Products will now be labeled 'no fat,' low fat, 'reduced fat,'
and 'fat, but has a great personality'"

If you are young and you drink a great deal, it will spoil your health,
slow your mind and make you fat...

- in other words, turn you into an adult.

An Irishman's wife calls the doctor, stating that her husband has taken ill. The doctor asks if she had taken his temperature; she replied that she hadn't but would and then call back.

When she hadn't called within a half hour, the doctor called and asked her what had happened.

She said, "Well, I didn't have a thermometer, so I put a barometer on his chest and it said dry, so I gave him a pint and he went off to work!"

When your wife says, "Well, what do you think?"
she is not asking for YOUR opinion.

She is asking for HER opinion, from your mouth.

Youth is when we are always hunting greener pastures...
Middle Age is when we can barely mow the one we've got.

Have you ever noticed the mannequins in the store have the bra-less look?
They have a sweater on with little points.
Why would I buy a sweater that can't even keep a mannequin warm?

Men are like a deck of cards...

You need a heart to love them
A diamond to marry them
A club to beat them
A spade to bury the bastards

A man goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, my wife recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help her get it back?"

The doctor replies, "Try coming home at 3 in the morning!"

A man goes to his doctor. 'If I see someone riding a bike when I'm walking down the street, I get this terrible urge to throw myself under the wheels. Do you think I'm mad?'

The doctor thinks for a moment, then says; 'No, you're just a cycle path.'

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty- thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

A 60 year old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather wants to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field.

The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians.

A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them.

"Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff.

"Well, some of them said they weren't," said the old farmer, "but you know how them politicians lie."

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn, where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later, the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. Once the bailiff climbed up there, the sheriff asked him what he saw.

The deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."

The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it.

She said, "Bow wow". The deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.

Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it.

She said, "Meow". The deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again.

Finally the blonde said, "Potatoes".

I heard about a college girl who went to a fraternity beer party, got drunk, spent the night with one of the frat boys and soon discovered she was pregnant.

After her baby was born, she decided to write a book about her experience, which she chose to call:

"From Beer to Maternity"

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

The woman replied, "Don't be flattered ... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.

Two women were having lunch one day, when one asked the other "what exactly is an oxymoron"?

The other said, "It's a phrase made up of contradictory terms, like 'deafening silence'."

The first one replied, "Oh, I get it... Like, 'Mr. Perfect'!"

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.

Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.

The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common...they were both pathological liars.

Big Lorenzo, an Italian fella, is bragging to his friends about his sons:

"I'ma so prouda my oldest son. He maka fifty thousand dollar evra year. Hesa Engineer!"

"I even more prouda ma second son. He maka five hundred thousand dollar a year. Hesa Doctor!"

"But, I'ma da proudest a ma youngest son. He maka Five million dollar a year. Hesa Sports Mechanic!"

Paolo, his friend asks, "What's a Sports Mechanic?"

Lorenzo replies: "Wella, he can fixa everytin. He fixa da horseraces, he fixa da boxin matcha......."

I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me that I had left the light on in the shed.

She could see from the bedroom window. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things.

I phoned the police, but they told me that no one was in this area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available. I said OK, hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back.

"Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've shot them all."

Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

I replied with "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Little Johnny was misbehaving with the nanny.

The father overheard the raucous and yelled, "Do you want me to come over there with the belt?"

Johnny said, "No, thanks. I think I can handle her myself."

Doug had always been teased by his friends that his wife was more successful than he was. Some even went so far as to insinuate that he was overshadowed by her and henpecked. Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off.

One day, one of his fiends asked the tiresome question again, "Who wears the pants in your family?"

"I do," replied Doug. Then, after a pause, he added, "I also wash and iron them."

A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. "Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it's just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?"

Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we'll figure it out."

"OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, ' Take fifty cents worth of ground beef '..."

Jill had just returned from a summer vacation trip through old Mexico. She was excitedly telling her friends all about it.

"Did you learn much Spanish while you were there?" one of the girls asked.

"Oh yes," Jill replied, "I found out that Manana means tomorrow and that pajama means tonight...!"

An Englishman, Irishman, and a Scotsman went for a round of golf; their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the golf course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, fell over landing with her skirt up over her head, revealing that she was wearing no underwear.

The Englishman stormed over angrily demanding a reason for her extreme undress. 'Well darling,' she explained 'you give me such little allowance and I have to make the odd sacrifice and usually no one notices.'

The Englishman thrust his hands into his pocket and gave her a fifty pound note to go to Marks & Spencer to buy some underwear.
,br> Two holes further along the Irishman's wife fell over a molehill, tripped up, landed in a heap on the ground. Again, her skirt was up over her head exposing all and revealing no underwear!

The Irishman was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments. 'Well darling,' she explained, 'you give me such little allowance I simply cannot afford undergarments.' The Irishman thrust his hands into his pockets and said, 'Here's a ?20 note. Go to Woolworth's and get some underwear woman.'

Three holes further on, the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt up over her head revealing that she too was wearing no underwear! Her explanation was the same, lack of allowance. The Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said 'Here's a comb, at least tidy yerself up a wee bit...'

The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.

"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.

"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed.

"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."

Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course and decided they would play the ball where it lies, no matter what!

On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"

The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it.

Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks.

Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying, but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop - two inches from the cup.

"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"

The man gave him a wry smile, "Your 7 iron!"

A new mother went to the psychiatrist worried.

"Doctor," she said, "Since I had the baby I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?"

"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor."

As I left the grocery store, I noticed two little kids, maybe six or seven years old, selling candy bars in front of the store to raise money for their school band.

"I'll buy a chocolate bar on one condition," I said to the boys. "You eat it for me."

I bought one and handed the candy back to one of the boys. He shook his head. "I can't," he said.

"Why not?"

Looking me in the eye, he responded gravely, "I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers."

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant... and that in fact he's never heard of it before. The blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store for years and needs some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

I left Montreal heading toward Quebec city, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall:

"Hi, how are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed:

"Not bad." v And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"

Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said:

"Well, just like you I'm driving east."

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you."

In a bank manager's office, a woman said "I want a loan, I'm going to divorce my husband."

"Oh, we don't give loans for divorces" the manager said, "We make loans for appliances, automobiles, businesses, home improvements...."

The woman interrupts and says "Trust me, this will certainly be a 'Home Improvement.'

A young lad was out with his dad in the park when he spotted a woman about to breastfeed her baby. She unbuttoned her blouse, rolled out a very large breast and popped the rosy nipple into the child's mouth.

"Dad! What's that woman doing to that baby?" the lad asked.

"Relax, son. She's just feeding him," the father replied.

"Get outta here!" the boy, exclaimed. "There's no way he'll eat all of that!"

A man on a business trip went to a singles bar, approached two ladies, and offered either of them two hundred dollars to spend the night with him.

One girl stormed out in a rage, but the other remained cool, calm... and collected.

Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.

En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness.

Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"

The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."

Morris walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at Morris and says, "Have you seen Eileen?"

Morris is really confused and asks "Eileen who?"

The bartender replies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt."

Well Morris was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street.

He sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.

The bartender then told him, "You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben, and when he says 'Ben who', you say 'I bend over and you kiss my butt'".

So Morris goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.

And the Bartender said "Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."

Morris asks, "Eileen who?"

My friend Nadine and I are close, and that allows us to be honest with each other.

As I fidgeted in front of the mirror one evening before a date, I remarked, "I'm fat."

"No, you're not," she scolded.

"My hair is awful."

"It's lovely."

"I've never looked worse," I whined.

"Yes, you have," she replied.

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on a remote island.

One morning the sailor climbed up a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband asked when the sailor climbed down. "We weren't making love!"

"Sorry" said the sailor, "From up there it really looked like you were."

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled up the same coconut tree and yelled the same thing.

Finally, one morning the husband decided to climb up the coconut tree and see for himself. With great difficulty he made his way to the top and looked down...

"Oh my God, he's right!" he says to himself. "It really does look like they're making love down there.

Doug went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doc, I'm really worried about my wife. Yesterday she posed for a nude picture."

The psychiatrist said, "Well I wouldn't worry about that. It's probably just an expression of her interest in art.

What was the nude picture for?"

Doug said, "Her driver's license."

A man and his golf-ignorant girlfriend are driving along in their car after the couple has come from the golf club. Because of his movements, the tees in his pocket fall out.

His girlfriend asks, "Harry, what are those things that just fell out of your pockets?"

"Oh, those are called tees. I put my balls on them when I'm driving."

"Oh well. Ask a silly question, get a silly answer."

He looked deep into the eyes of the woman he loved and said, "My heart is broken. I saw you with another man yesterday."

"Oh don't be silly!" she replied, "That was just my husband, you know there's no one but you."

A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac."

He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."

She says, "How much for all night?"

The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Avery, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don't bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I've two sisters at home who look after all my needs."

"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine."

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife said, . . ."And what's that supposed to mean?"

Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.

"Bill is the same as ever." gossiped his wife on the telephone. "All he ever thinks about all day long is sex... sex... sex."

"Now that's just not true at all." called out Bill, relaxing in his recliner. "For the past half-hour, I've been laying here thinking about you."

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed.

"I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said. "I guess I let myself go."

The physician was checking her eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

Dear Sirs;

I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman. We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales.

Now why didn't Congress think of this?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?"

Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"

The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"

Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!"

Finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?"

Little Johnny replied, "Homework"!

Bill was visiting a friend in the hospital. He had recently quit smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator. A woman on the elevator said to him with a snarl, "Sir! There's no smoking in here!"

'I'm not smoking lady." replied Bill.

"But you have a cigar in your mouth!" the woman said.

"Lady," Bill answered, "I've got on Jockey shorts, too, but I'm not riding a horse!"

Bill meets Doug after work at the bar for a drink.

Bill says, "I would like so much to buy a small cottage in the country and spend the rest of my life there with the woman I love."

Doug asks, "And why don't you do it?"

Bill replies, "My wife is against it."

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet storekeeper.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, and said, "That's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith...."

It was a May-December marriage, and as the old man climbed in to bed for the first time with his new bride, he asked, "Did your mother tell you what to do on your wedding night?"

"Yes," she cooed, kissing him lightly, "She told me everything."

"Good," said the elderly gentleman as he turned out the light, "because I've forgotten."

The distressed-looking man had downed several drinks in rapid succession before the bartender asked him, "You trying to drown your sorrows, buddy?"

"You could say that," the guy replied.

"It usually doesn't work, you know."

"No kidding," the man moaned. "I can't even get my wife anywhere near the water!"

The flower vendor was an old hand at unloading his last few bunches. Appealing to a businessman on his way home, the vendor said, "How about a nice bunch of roses to surprise your wife?"

"Haven't got a wife," responded the businessman gruffly.

"Then how about some carnations for your girlfriend?" proposed the vendor without missing a beat.

"Haven't got a girlfriend."

"You lucky guy!" The vendor broke into a big smile. "Buy both bunches to celebrate!"

"I'm going fishing."
Means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Means..."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Means..."Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

It would take too long to explain."
Means..."I have no idea how it works."

"We're going to be late."
Means..."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Means..."I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break honey, you're working too hard."
Means..."I can't hear the TV over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting dear."
Means..."Are you still talking?"

That's women's work."
Means..."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Means..."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you and got you these roses."
Means..."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

I can't find it."
Means..."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Means..."What did you catch me at?"

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Means..."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realise it could be worse."

We share the housework."
Means..."I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Mrs Murphy was chatting over the back yard fence to Mrs O'Brien.

"Did you hear Mrs Flynn's husband passed away last night?"

"No!," said Mrs O'Brien, "was it the cancer?"

"Oh no," said Mrs Murphy, "it wasn't that serious."

Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.

A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasnt been home for so long.

She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."

The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?"

She said "Oh...I only came back to get something to eat."

> A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg.

The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job or you might miss a great opportunity!

A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told.

"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.

Back came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."

In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.

Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon.

In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.

In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.

Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise.

In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed, razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him.

> Two monkeys were sitting in a tree and two lions were sleeping below them. One monkey said to the other monkey "I dare you to go down there and kick one of those lions in the rear end."

The other monkey said "o.k. I'll go down there and kick him in the rear end as hard as I can".

So he goes down the tree and kicks the lion as hard as he can and takes off swinging through the trees. The lion starts to chase him. He keeps getting closer, and closer until the monkeys thinks "Man I better do something quick or that lion is going to eat me for lunch".

He keeps swinging until the lion is pretty far behind him and he sees a newspaper lying on the ground. He stops, picks it up and holds it in front of his face. All of a sudden the lion catches up to him and says, "Did you see a monkey run by here?"

The monkey askes, "You mean the one that kicked that lion in the rear end?"

The lion says, "Damn, was it in the paper already?"

FIVE STAGES OF FEMALE LIFE

1. To Grow Up

2. To Fill Out

3. To Slim Down

4. To Hold It In

5. To Heck With It

Rodney goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife is unfaithful to me. Every Friday night, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion:

Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says, "An English girl!"

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you".

"And, what happened to my present?".

"Which present?"

"What I asked for....the English girl?

"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl...!"

It was the custom at the retirement home to pair the old couples, and then send them out for dinner and a movie, or other entertainment. This one night, John who was 84, was paired with Jill who was 86.

A few hours later, Jill returned to the Home and was she angry!

"What happened that you should be so upset, Jill?", the attendant asked her.

"Coming back with that silly old man John, I had to slap him three times while we were riding back in the cab."

"Oh that's terrible...and at his age too. John ought to be ashamed of himself, making passes at you."

"Passes?", Jill said, "he didn't make passes. I had to slap him three times to see if he was asleep or dead."

Doug and Tammy decided to take a vacation and travel across the country and visit little known rural areas, staying in off the beaten track motels.

They stopped their first night at a motel that must have been at least 100 years old, and one that hadn't had any renovations done since day one. They were preparing themselves for bed and Doug decided to have one last cigarette before getting in to bed, so he left the room to go outside and have his smoke.

When Doug returned to the room, he actually started feeling quite romantic, so he carefully opened the door and said, "Honey? Honey?.

There was no response.

He tried again, "Honey? Hey, honey!" a bit louder this time.

Still no reply.

Finally a male voice from the blackness in front of him said, "This ain't no beehive you damn fool, this here's the bathroom."

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"