WALLY GATOR:It's time for Brak Presents the Brak Show Starring Brak. Joining Brak tonight are: Brak, Diamond Dallas Page, Jo Dee Messina. I'm your announcer Wally Gator. And now, here he is, that inter-stellar funny fellar, here's Brak!
(the curtains open)
BRAK: One day I went to the store. I went to the store one day. Mom said, "Brak, go to the store," and I was on my way.
BRAKETTES: On your way to the store, what a good boy you are.
BRAK: Now I'm walking down the street, when a voice says in my head, "Hey Brak, don't go to the store, go to the park instead."
BRAKETTES: To the park instead is what he said, the voice in his head, like drop dead Fred, said, "Go to the park instead. Go to the park instead!"
BRAK: So I say to the voice inside my head, "What's the deal with you? Why do you want to get me in trouble, and where's my other shoe?" Where's my other shoe?
BRAKETTES: Forget your other shoe. You need to get to the store.
BRAK: So off I go to the park, where I'm chased by a gang of girls. Just when I think I'm safe and sound, I'm attacked by a pack of squirrels.
(Brakettes sing in the backround)
BRAK:(now with a giant squirrel on top) Help me up. Stupid squirrel. Get off me! (return to show) Break it down. Help me up. What time is it? Where am I? Well, I finally arrived to the store. But, of course, the store was closed. When I got home, I got in trouble, and that's the way it goes.
BRAKETTES: That's the way it goes, when Brak goes to the store.
BRAK: That's it.
(Wally laughs)
BRAK: Mom won't dance.
ZORAK: Well nobody asked her.
BRAK: Frogs in pants.
ZORAK: Cheesesteak disaster.
BRAK:Rained so hard.
ZORAK: Stepped in a poodle.
BRAK: Fifty lashes with a wet noodle.
ZORAK:Noodles are cruel! (growls)
BRAK & BRAKETTES:Chili today, hot tamale. Chili today, hot tamale. Chili today, hot tamale.
BRAK: Rock the boat.
ZORAK: But don't rock the harbor.
BRAK: Shave that goat.
ZORAK:But don't shave the barber.
BRAK: Don't go make...
ZORAK: Moles into mountains?
BRAK:Your number's up, but nobody's countin'.
ZORAK: Eins zwei drei! (pause) Oh me.
(Brak and Zorak scat for a while. “Sorry girls, he’s married” appears at the bottom of the screen)
BRAK & BRAKETTES: Take that dress off of your dolly, put it on my hot tamale. Now you've got a dolly tamale!
(Everybody dances)
ZORAK, BRAK, & THE BRAKETTES:Chili today, hot tamale. Chili today, hot tamale. Chili today, hot tamale. Fu manchu!
The Umpire Strikes Brak logo swings around the screen for a while. Brak is then shown being repeatedly hit by an umpire.)
UMPIRE: It was a strike! It was a strike! It was a strike! Who ya callin' blind?
(The Screen says: “Coming Soon To A Theater In A Galaxy Pretty Far Away”)
WALLY GATOR: And now, through the magic of television, we bring you Brak and Jo Dee Messina on Easter Island.
BRAK: Wow man, boy that's going to be great, me and Jo Dee Messina, on... Oh no! (Brak runs through a bunch of places) Jo Dee, you know we been to a lot of islands together. We been to Christmas Island, Labor Day Island...
JO DEE: Columbus Day Island, Secretary's Day Island.
BRAK: Yeah, but I think Easter Island is my favorite, you know why?
JO DEE: Why is that Brak?
BRAK: Because kids eat free, and they give you this little kiddie menu and give you dot to dot and you know what it is, a bear.
JO DEE: (laughing) Brak we have so much fun together.
BRAK: Even though we're as different as Mary Kate and Ashley.
JO DEE: I'm not like you.
BRAK: And you're not like me.
JO DEE: We're about as different.
BRAK: As diff'rent can be..
JO DEE: We don't look the same.
BRAK:We don't act the same.
JO DEE:We're from different species.
BRAK: With different names.
JO DEE: You're from outer space.
BRAK: You're from somewhere else.
JO DEE: You wear a uniform.
BRAK:And it really smells!
BRAK & JO DEE:But we're buds, we're buds, through thick or thin, side by side.
BRAK: Like bowling pins.
JO DEE: They say that opposites attract.
BRAK:That's right.
JO DEE:It's a fact.
BRAK & JO DEE: We're buds.
BRAK: Sing it baby!
JO DEE: No, you're not like me.
BRAK:And I'm not like you.
JO DEE: Brak, we must have something in common.
BRAK: Sure, um, no, I don't believe we do.
JO DEE: You're so brash and bold.
BRAK: You're so cool and calm.
JO DEE: I own a big old house.
BRAK: I live with my mom.
JO DEE: I'm extremely smart.
BRAK: I'm extremely not.
JO DEE:I like vichyssoise
BRAK: I like tater tots.
JO DEE: You've got great big fangs.
BRAK: They came with my head.
JO DEE: Don't know how or why.
BRAK: But it's like we said.
BRAK & JO DEE:We're buds. We're buds, through high or low.
BRAK: Like Fred and Ricky on the “Lucy Show”.
JO DEE: They say opposites attract.
BRAK: You got that right sister.
JO DEE:And it must be true, just look at me and Brak.
BRAK & JO DEE: It's a fact.
BRAK: Oh yeah.
BRAK & JO DEE: We're buds.
BRAK: I harmonized there, and it was pretty.
(the heads start whistling)
BRAK & JO DEE: We're buds. We're buds.
BRAK: Bye Jo Dee!
(Brak runs back to the show)
BRAK:I'm runnin'. I'm runnin'. I got to get back to the show. I've never run so fast in my life.
BRAK:This song comes from the heart of my bottom. (starts his singing) I'm forgettable. That's what I am. So forgettable. Something, something ham. My mom forgot me in a shopping cart. I was raised by stock boys, ham and art. Do you remember our last dance? I never wanted to change pants with you, but we did, and now you've got my keys. (jazzy music starts) It's regrettable, like water on the knee. It's regrettable, like a bowl of peas.
(Song is interuppted by a news break)
GOL: We interrupt this program to bring you a special news bulletin. Today, a swarm of giant biscuits attacked...
BRAK: Hey! You're interrupting my song! Don't you know it's rude to interrupt?
GOL: You're absolutely right. I don't know what came over me.
BRAK: We'll be done in a second. Keep your pants on!
GOL: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken off my pants.
BRAK: That's alright. Now where was I... Oh yeah... (starts singing) I'm a cucumber. I'm a cucumber. I'm a cucumber. I'm a cucumber. I'm a cucumber. I'm a cucumber. Please don't take me to the pickle farm. Okay, I'm done. It's all yours. Do your little story.
GOL: Today, war broke out between the cut out cookie people and the paper doll people. A spokesman for the paper doll people issued this statement.
PAPER DOLL: The cut out cookie people refuse to hold hands. They must be destroyed.
CUT OUT COOKIE: We don't hold hands with no stinking paper dolls!
GOL: More on this shocking story later. And now, on with my pants!
(Brak and Zorak are backstage on boxes)
BRAK: Hey have you ever been eaten by a worm
ZORAK:Not completely.
GRAPE APE: (the side door opens) Grape Ape, Grape Ape.
BRAK: Ahhh. A gorrilla-lilla-la.
GRAPE APE:I'm not a gorrilla-lilla-la, I'm an ape.
BRAK: OK.
GRAPE APE:Brak, I want to be on your show.
ZORAK:What are your qualifications?
BRAK:Well, I have a funny voice. I can dress myself.
ZORAK: Not you, the ape!
GRAPE APE: I like to ride on cars.
BRAK: Can you sing?
GRAPE APE: No
BRAK: I can't either, and I got two records out. (laughs hysterically) Go tell Wally you're on next.
GRAPE APE:You got it, little buddy, you're my friend.
BRAK: Watch your...
(Grape Ape bangs his head on the door and says “ow”)
BRAK:...head.
ZORAK: Wow, he's even dumber than you Brak.
BRAK: Maybe that's why I love him so. Hey, Zorak you wanna trade seats? Mine's wet.
ZORAK: I'm stuck to mine.
BRAK: (back on stage) I'm Grape Ape. I sing now. I got a big fat squid in my refrigerator, ooo, ooo. I got a big fat squid in my refrigerator, ooo, ooo. I found him in the frozen foods. I got him five new pairs of shoes, and now he lives in the refrigerator, ooo, ooo. I bought him for 99 cents a pound. He cost 45 dollars, weighs 35 pounds. I'm the cutest ape in the neighborhood. But, my girlfriend treats me no good. I know she'd leave me if she could, take the big fat squid in my refrigerator.
(the audience just stares)
You clap now.
(the audience claps and Grape Ape jumps up and down)
(now in black and white with a scary castle and lightning scenery; the screen now says 'Count Brakula’s Deep Dish (pause) Of Horror')
(Zorak is sitting inside watching tv (which is actually “The Umpire Strikes Brak” if you listen carefully) Lightning flashes and Count Brakula appears)
BRAK: Hey. I'm Count Brakula. I've come to suck your blood.
ZORAK: Go for it.
BRAK: I'm just kidding. I’ve come to deliver... your pizza.
(scary music) (Brak offers the pizza to Zorak)
BRAK: Did you remember the garlic crust?
BRAK: No. No. No. How many times do we have to tell you, no garlic crust?!
(more scary music)
ZORAK: I like the garlic crust.
BRAK: We do the stuffed crust.
ZORAK: (growls) Just put it on the table.
BRAK:As you wish. (Brak walks over to set the pizza down) That'll be 14 dollars and 75 cents.
(more scary music) (Brak opens his cape)
With the coupon. (yet more scary music)
ZORAK: Put it on my tab. (laughs evily)
BRAK: What about my tip?
ZORAK:Choke up on the bat.
BRAK: What?
ZORAK: Especially with two strikes. Choke up, hit the ball, run to first. That's how the game is played.
BRAK: That's a good tip. Hey can you do this? (Brak changes into a bat)
ZORAK: Nothing to it, watch. (also changes into a bat) Check this out!
(pause)
BRAK: Do you know how to undo this?
ZORAK:Nah, not really, no.
BRAK: Aw, man! Wally!
(Brak and Zorak fly off)
WALLY GATOR: There's something really interesting going on over there, over there.
ANNOUNCER: Coming up on Bananachek...
BRAK:(now dressed up like a banana) I'm a Private Banana, who bruises easily.
ANNOUNCER:Tonight's episode, Final- A- Peel.
BRAK:(in some grocery store) It was 3 p.m., I was working undercover at Bob's Bananarama. Someone had been stealing Bob's bananas, and he was mad as a wet dog in a room, where you're not allowed to shake your dog.
At 3:01 p.m., a suspicious looking character approached.
ALLEN WRENCH: Hello Brak. It's me, Allen Wrench. Why are you wearing that banana suit, Brak?
BRAK:Allen, would you please not call me Brak? I'm undercover!
ALLEN WRENCH:Brak, that suit looks a little loose, you want it tightened? Because I can do that, I'm a wrench.
BRAK:Then why don't you make like a wrench and leave?
ALLEN WRENCH:Hey, that reminds me, I have a date tonight with Righty Tighty.
BRAK:What happened to Lefty Loosey?
ALLEN WRENCH:Oh, she's got a screw loose.
BRAK: You mean she went nuts?
ALLEN WRENCH:Yeah, she broke Phillip's head. Then she bolted. (giggles)
ANNOUNCER: Next week on Bananachek!
GRAPE APE: Brak, I feel like I should eat you.
BRAK: Grape Ape, I'm not a banana. I'm wearing a suit. Now, get out of here!
ANNOUNCER:That's tonight on Bananachek!
BRAK: Here's Mr. Happy Good Times Laughy Fun Music Mantis himself, Zorak.
ZORAK: This one's for you mom. It's called 'Smell You Later, Get a Job.'
No one is the boss of me. Brak's too ugly for TV. Have you met my girlfriend ???? Smell you later, get a job.
BRAKETTES: Smell you later, get a job. Smell you later, get a job. Smell you later, get a job.
ZORAK:I'm the king of outer space. Do I have something on my face? I just ate the Beastie Boys. Come on Fuzzy make some noise.
FUZZY:(scats for a while)
ZORAK: I am Zorak, hear me roar! Had enough? I'll give you more. Pull my finger. Here's a plan, you be Chico. I'm the man!
BRAKETTES: You be Chico, he's the man! You be Chico, he's the man! You be Chico, he's the maaaaan!
ZORAK: Let's go down to Chinatown, press a duck, kick a clown. Play some bocci? with the mob. Smell you later, get a job!
BRAKETTES: Smell you later, get a job. Smell you later, get a job. Smell you later, get a job.
(Zorak scats and dances)
ALLEN WRENCH: Hello Mr. Grape Ape, it's me, Allen Wrench. What's new at the zoo? (giggles)
GRAPE APE: (obviously Brak!) I don't live in the zoo, Allen. I live in a spacious condo that I bought with my own money.
ALLEN WRENCH: Say, you're not Grape Ape. You're Brak. What are you doing in that Grape Ape costume, Brak?
BRAK: I'm just playing a big 'ol joke on Grape Ape.
GRAPE APE: (dressed as Brak) Hey everybody, it's me Brak!
ALLEN WRENCH:But you sound like Grape Ape.
GRAPE APE:I have a cold. (pretends to cough)
BRAK:Grape Ape, get out of my body. You're stretching my skin.
ALLEN WRENCH: (looking just like Zorak) Yeah, I want my body back too Zorak.
ZORAK: (as Allen Wrench) (laughing) Never! Not when I can become the most powerful wrench in the universe!
BRAK: This is getting really confusing. Let's all get back to our own bodies.
(A technical difficulty sign appears while noises are in the background. Then Zorak and Brak are shown with switched heads while Allen Wrench and Grape Ape laugh, followed by another, different technical difficulties sign.)
BRAK: And now ladies and gentlemen, here's Zorak and Diamond Dallas Page to sing the whiny baby song about how misunderstood they are.
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE:Hey Brak, how about if I come over there and change the oil on your face?
BRAK:I just had it changed, so I guess the joke's on you, you big handsome bully.
DDP:(depressed) Aw man.
ZORAK:What's the matter DDP?
DDP:That spaceman, he hurt my feelings. He called me a bully.
ZORAK: (sighs) People can be so cruel.
DDP:I heard that.
People are so quick to judge and shun my point of view.
ZORAK:They figure all you got inside is quarts of gloppy goo.
DDP:If they got to know DDP, they'd know I have feelings too!
ZORAK:(laughs) You're kidding, right?
DDP: No, it's true! Oftentimes I'm quite confused and utterly distressed.
ZORAK:Like when you piledrive some jerk and make his head a mess.
DDP: It makes DDP sad to bang somebody into next week!
ZORAK: I guess evil is only skin deep.
DDP:Deep, deep down in my guts. There must be a spark of goodness hiding.
ZORAK: What? What? What are you nuts? Who'd ever take the time to find it?
DDP:Hey man, that hurts.
ZORAK:You alright?
DDP:I'm okay.
ZORAK: Since people are so quick to judge, why should you change?
DDP: I live my life the way I like, happily deranged!
ZORAK: So what if maybe now and then some havoc you wreak?
DDP:But evil is only skin deep.
ZORAK:Isn't it?
DDP & ZORAK:Evil is only skin deep.
DDP:How was that?
ZORAK:Eh, I thought it was half good... my half.
(DDP grabs Zorak and throws him at Brak)
Cut to a commercial break:
COWBOY BUDDY: Howdy pardners, I'm Cowboy Buddy for the Swollen Tick Family Restaurant. Neighbors, are you hankerin' for adventure? Then stop by and take a nose watering whiff of our world famous Jumbo Mystery Bucket. It's a sliced, diced, slammed, jammed, poked, paddled, cattle prodded mess of crusty goodness. Come on down, if you got the stomach for it. In fact, if you show up with a 46 inch waistline, goddangit chubby, we'll cook you up and eat ya ourselves! That's the Swollen Tick Family Restaurant, where the food fights back. Yeeeeeeehawwww!
(end commercial break)
WALLY GATOR:Here's a song for all the ladies in the audience. You know who you are. Hit it boys!
(Wally gets hit by a ball.)
That wasn't nice, play nice!
BRAK: I want a girl, who thinks I'm smart, About stars and cars and birds and worms and art. I want a girl! Someone who won't think I'm dumb.., caus’ I am. And that's dumb.
ZORAK:You can say that again!
BRAK:And that's dumb.
ZORAK: Don't say that again.
BRAK:Whatever you say.
ZORAK: Okay, I’m singing now. I want a girl, who thinks I'm cute, Even when I wear my birthday suit.
BRAKETTES: Nasty!
ZORAK: I want a girl! Someone who likes long walks in the rain... (pause) and burglary! And larceny! And bribery!
BRAK:Zorak!
ZORAK:What?
BRAK:Next verse!
BRAK & ZORAK:We don't care about shape or size! About the number of heads or tails or horns or eyes!
ZORAK: True we don't.
BRAK & ZORAK: We like girls!
ZORAK: (in a freaky voice) Yes, it's true. We really do.
BRAK & ZORAK:We like girls! We like girls! We like girls! We like girls!
(Brak, Zorak, and the band are now on a grill)
BRAK: When you fall in love, it's like falling in love. It's like barbecue.
ZORAK:Barbecue.
BRAK:I'll bring the sauce, and you bring the pork. We'll barbecue.
ZORAK:Barbecue.
BRAK: I thought that it would be dinner for one. Now we're basting our cutlets and toasting our buns.
ZORAK:Toasting our buns. Man, I'm good.
BRAK: Let's barbecue. We'll rendezvous, where boy meets grill! Goodnight everybody!
(credits roll)

THE END

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