She said there is no reason
And the truth is plain to see
But I wandered through my playing cards
And would not let her be
One of sixteen vestal virgins
Who were leaving for the coast
And although my eyes were open
They might just as well've been closed …
-Procol Harum, “Whiter Shade of Pale”
November 17, 1999
New Mexico
“How far apart are they?” Lindsey asked.
Taryn was sitting on the deck of Cam and Lindsey’s New Mexico home, looking out over the desert. She was very pregnant.
“Three minutes,” she said.
Lindsey nodded. “I think we should go.”
“Okay. Just give me a few minutes to collect my thoughts and I’ll be in.”
Taryn sighed heavily. She missed Isaac so much, but she knew in her heart she had made the right decision in breaking off their relationship. When she had discovered that their one night of unprotected intimacy in Chicago had resulted in a pregnancy, she knew what she had to do. She knew what it was like to be a parent at 19, and Isaac simply had too much to lose. She wouldn’t do it to him.
Right after she had found out she was pregnant, Taryn and Iris had moved to New Mexico, where they were living near Cameron and Lindsey. Isaac called Cam every once in a while, but Taryn adamantly refused to let anyone tell him where she was. She knew Isaac well enough to know that if he found out about the baby, he would want to do the honorable thing. There was no way Taryn was going to let Isaac give his life up.
An ultrasound midway through the pregnancy had revealed that the baby was a girl. Combining letters from Taryn’s name and Isaac’s true first name, Clarke, Iris and Taryn had come up with the name Clara. They had decided that her middle name would be Jane for Isaac’s late grandmother. And now it appeared that Clara Jane Mathews would be born on her father’s 19th birthday.
Cameron came out onto the deck. “We’re all ready,” he said. “Taryn, are you sure you don’t want me to call Isaac?”
Taryn shook her head. “No,” she said firmly.
“He’d want to be here,” Cameron stressed.
“I won’t do it to him, Cam,” she said. “He doesn’t belong to me right now. He belongs to the world. It’s what he’s always wanted, and I won’t take it away from him.”
“Okay. If that’s the way you want it. You coming?”
“I’m right behind you.”
Taryn stood up and looked into the sky. An image of Isaac standing outside her townhouse in New York passed through her mind.
“This isn’t goodbye,” he had said. “This is ‘see you later.’ I believe that you and I will never be apart for very long again in our lives. Somehow, we’re always going to be together. Hold onto that, OK?”
“Okay,” Taryn whispered into the night.
November 17, 1999
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Isaac sat in the upstairs music room, strumming his guitar and pounding out lyrics for a song he was working on.
“That’s nice, I like it,” said Taylor, who had been listening at the door unnoticed. “What’s it called?”
Isaac smiled softly. “The working title is, ‘If I Had Known it Was the Last Time,’” he replied.
“I guess I don’t have to ask what that’s about,” Taylor said.
“Probably not.”
“Do you still miss her? I mean, it’s been like seven months.”
“I love her, Tay. You can’t just shake that off. I just keep hoping that she’ll call or something, that she’ll realize that this was a mistake.”
“It was weird the way she called things off so suddenly and completely,” Taylor mused.
“I know she loves me,” Isaac said. “I just need to wait it out.”
“How long are you going to wait?” Taylor asked.
Isaac sighed. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “As long as it takes, I guess.”
