We all stood in the room, everyone too excited and too nervous to sit. How often is it that people get to meet their idols? Not too often, I'm sure of it. We've been lucky enough to meet a ton of them. Some of them you will forget, unimpressed by what they've offered to you. My biggest problem is that my expectations are just too high. I've wanted a lot out of the people around me, and a lot of them have met that standard, but not too many of the idols. These great, wonderful people that I get to meet, they disappoint me. They see so much, but they're in capable of seeing the subtleties. And so I got used to them not being able to see what was really in me, what I was really going through. Maybe, since I wasn't expecting any one to be able to "see inside" me anymore, that's why Jen took me so off guard.

We were just in a meet and greet, and Ike and I were waiting for Zac, he was still in the bathroom. I was bored of meet and greets. It's a nice idea, really, but these fans, they're not so interesting anymore. They all say the same thing. "We love your music." "Oh my god, you are amazing." "You're so gorgeous." Sometimes they find a creative way of saying it, provided they're not crying or screaming. It was boring, I needed something new, or someone new.

We walked into the room. There weren't as many people here this time. Surprising. We walked around and shook hands, talked a bit with some of the girls and then I had an idea. It was something I'd wondered about for a long time. What did they think of us as individuals. Sure, a lot of them would just say nice things, but maybe there'd be an honest one.

"Hey Ike!"

"What?"

"Let's give the girls an interview."

"What are you talking about?"

"I know what I'm doing, just get everyone around a table."

I'm sure Isaac thought I was on drugs but he found a table and he and Zac brought it in.

I stood up on a chair. "Hey, everybody!" I must have looked insane, because I got more laughs than Zac did when he attempted to re-enact that scene from Liar Liar when Jim Carey kicked his own ass.

"I just wanted to ask you all some questions, so if everybody could come and sit around this table, that'd be great." I smiled. I smiled that charming, charismatic, fake, trademark Taylor Hanson smile. I don't normally smile like that. It was an accident the first time I did it, and then it just kind of stuck. People told me it was "sexy" and "charming" and "totally hot" and so it stuck.

So the girls gathered around the table, some of them looked scared. I laughed. What could we possibly do to them?

Then we sat down, and I looked at them. These were our fans, and my idols. In the beginning I adored our fans, they were gods and goddesses to me. Now I hardly think that, but I appreciate them none the less, and I still call them my idols. Not because I wish I could be that loyal to somebody or three somebodies like they were, but because the name stuck. Just like the smile. Hanson fans aren't loyal. The majority of them are now out worshiping the Backstreet Boys or Nsync or the Moffatts.

"How's everybody tonight?" They smiled and said they were good. "That's great. How about everybody tell us their names and put on one of these little stickers so we don't forget." I grabbed a bunch of "Hello my name is" stickers and passed them out along with some markers. "We'll start and then go around clockwise. Zac you start."

It was apparent that my younger brother also thought I was on crack or something and I just smiled. My real smile. I didn't care that my real smile made my eyes look really small and made me look almost retarded, I liked it. To me, that smile was the sexiest, most charming thing I'd ever done. It was real, and it showed I was actually happy. "Hello, my name is Zac." Zac laughed.

"I'm Taylor."

"I'm Isaac, and I suddenly have the biggest urge to say 'and we're Hanson'."

The fans laughed, there were about 12 of them. "Hey, my name's Andrea."

"Hello, my name's Jessica."

"Oh my gosh, I'm not even joking ,this is weird, but my name's Avery."

I laughed and the girl blushed. "Sorry, it's just a bit ironic."

The girl next to her nodded and put her hand on her shoulder. "My name's Stef."

"I'm Shelby."

"My name's Lindsay."

"Hey, I'm Heather."

"I'm Sarah."

"My name's Jen." It's important to say that up until now I hadn't even noticed Jen. I had talked to the rest of the girls, and I recognized their faces but I don't think I ever got around to talking to her. But as soon as I looked at her I noticed that she had really deep blue eyes and her dark brown hair lit them up really well. It was almost breath taking. She was not beautiful by any stretch of the imagination, she wasn't even pretty really. She was average, but when you looked at her you felt part of you fill up. You felt that void fill and you felt something happy. You knew there was a million and one things hidden behind those eyes and you just had to find a way to get inside her mind. You just feel like you'd die to figure her out just for a moment. It's weird because I didn't even know her, but I felt all of these things in that one instant we locked eyes.

"I'm Brittany."

"My name's Leia."

"And I'm Alyssa."

"Hey." I waved. "It's nice to meet you. Okay, we don't have much time left, I just wanted to know what you think of us." I motioned to my brothers and I.

Immediately a bunch of the girls started babbling about us being incredibly talented and amazing, but I noticed that Jen didn't say anything at all.

I hushed the other girls. "No, I mean what do you think of us as people? When you look at us, what do you think?"

A few girls looked at their hands and a few of them almost ventured to speak. Jen didn't do either. I watched their eyes, a lot of girls' eyes clouded over. An invisible barrier went up between me and them and they said they thought we were nice guys. That's what I had become. I put that barrier up constantly, I just wanted to see if anyone could notice it. I don't know what they were really thinking, no one can. It's the same with me, as soon as I choose not to let anybody in then they can't get in.

"Leia, what are you thinking?" I asked.

"Well, when I think of you, I think quietness. I think gentleness and caring."

"Okay." I smiled, I smiled the Taylor Hanson smile. She was trying, and she was close. I was all those things, but I was a lot more too. Couldn't anyone see that?

"When I think of Zac I think craziness. Zac makes me want to laugh and jump around."

"I seem to have that affect on a lot of people." Zac smiled. He's calmed down a lot lately. Not so hyper, that's not a bad thing, but still, sometimes I worry. Is he still our Zac? Or is he a manifestation of the business? Just like my smile.

"When I think of Isaac I think of words and poetry. I think of all the things I don't understand, and I think of strength." Leia was tearing. "When I think of you together I think of happiness and foundation. I think of how hard it must be for you and how you still manage. That's why you're amazing to me."

I felt bad for Leia, something was wrong in her world and she needed someone. I know Ike wanted to go talk to her, to give her a handshake and say that things always work out in the end. But he wasn't allowed to. It was a new Mercury rule. "Don't get too friendly with the fans. It implies too much to other people."

I was surprised when Jen got up, took Leia's hand and they walked into a corner of the room. I was really surprised when Jen kissed her cheek, hugged her and they walked back to the table. But what surprised me even more was that Jen was crying too.

"I'm not going to stay much longer, I really need to leave." I looked in her eyes, which she averted from me, but I still saw that her shield was down. She needed someone. I could never be that someone for her. I wasn't able to and at that point I didn't realize that I cared enough to be that person, but I hoped she found them. "When I think of Zac I laugh. I watch tapes of his antics and I laugh and suddenly all my problems are gone. For a moment in time, watching an 11 year old blonde kid maul a reporter, I feel happy, that I don't have to cry anymore."

I saw Zac smile. He loves compliments, especially ones that really mean something to the person who's saying them. I'm sure that when Jen told him that it touched him.

"When I think of Isaac…" She laughed. "I don't know if I'm allowed to say this."

"Is it mean?" He asked.

"No. It's just weird."

"Weird is my middle name."

"I thought it was Isaac."

He laughed. "I'm getting it legally changed."

"When I think of Isaac I think of him playing guitar. I can't think of him as a person, only of the instrument. Because, well, I'm um…I'm really turned on by guys who can play guitar well, and he plays it really well. So yeah, when I think of Isaac I think of guitar, and sometimes sex."

I think all three of us were in shock, especially Ike. He doesn't hear, "I think of you as a sex toy." very often.

"And Taylor scares me." That was what caught my attention.

"What?"

Everyone stared at her. Now she was the one people thought was on crack. "Taylor seems like one of those people who acts a certain way because he has to. Or they feel like they have to. But that's not the way they really are." She locked eyes with me and I felt my guard go up. I pulled it back, I wanted her to see inside. She too pulled down her guard. Her blue eyes took on the same crystal color of mine. I saw pain and inner destruction in her that no girl who was so amazing should have to deal with. "Taylor seems like he has an amazing personality but he's been acting like someone he's not for so long he's losing that person inside him. And unfortunately, now the people close to him will never know that Taylor, and he, himself, won't even know him. And that's why Taylor scares me." A tear traced her cheek. "Taylor scares me because I know that deep inside is a wonderful person, whom he's hiding and who's slowly dying."

I wanted to be with her. I wanted to hear her whisper to me that she knew, that she understood and that she could help me. But looking in her eyes I knew she needed someone who could help her. That person was not me. She and Leia left and I've seen them both one other time. Leia at a funeral and Jen in her casket. Yes, Jen killed herself. If I had been stronger then I could have saved her, I'm sure. Jen did a lot of good for many people. She left me a letter on that table, from the meet and greet three years ago. And because of that letter I stopped faking who I was. I found that Taylor that I used to be and I let him take over again. I'm a much better person now. No one ever filled that void with just a look, quite the way Jen did. And no one ever saved souls quite the way Jen did. Both Leia and I were saved by her, and perhaps it was the fact that she spent all her time loving everyone else that brought her down so far.

I remember that look, that look of feeling unloved. I know that Jen felt alone, and at that time I couldn’t do anything about it. I'm sure that's why she killed herself. Loneliness is a strange disease. You think you have it but you really don't, and in the end it takes over you. Jen lost her battle, but she was the hero in mine, and in Leia's. I love her, I don't even know her. But I love her. I don't know if I'll ever love some one quite the same. I know she's in heaven, every night I pray saying her name.

"Jen, you're the angel I found on earth but God felt you had fulfilled your duty, saving others, and so he had to bring you home, by your own hand."



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