Sweetwater, 1861

Buck strolled down the street toward the mercantile, a list of needed items in his pocket. He hadn't been in Sweetwater for about a year now, but had returned after the closing of the Express. Kid and Lou had bought the old station, after Emma and Sam had moved to live in glorious Boston. Since neither himself, Jimmy nor Cody had anything to do with their time at that particular moment, they had agreed to go with their old friends and stay with them in Sweetwater, until they could find jobs and homes for themselves. Cody, of course, already had a job, but he wouldn't be recalled by the Army until December, which was 2 months away.

Lou had went to get her brother Jeremiah and sister Theresa from the orphanage where they had lived, and the old Express station was now pretty crowded.

The town hadn't changed much, but still Buck was a little weary of the people he met. He had, just the like the others, flipped a coin about who would leave for town and who would stay at the station and work. He had won, like the others would have said, but he more felt like he had lost. He really wanted to go back to the station, knowing Cody would love to change posts with him, but Lou had promptly made him go. He had hoped someone would at least go with him, but there he was, all alone.

As Buck crossed the street and was about to step up onto the sidewalk, a man was brutally thrown out of the saloon, landing at Buck's feet. he had to jump a few feet to avoid being dragged into the fight, as two men came through the saloon doors, and proceeded the beating they had started on the poor man still on his back, struggling to get up. Buck decided it was not his business, and hurried toward the store. But before he could reach it, he had to pass the bank. Buck looked up at the magnificent brick building with some awe, stating it was the only thing that had seriously changed in Sweetwater. At least as far as could see. As he stood there, the sounds of the fight grew louder, and he decided to be on his way.

"Buck?"

The voice was very familiar, just as light and clear as it had been the last time he heard it. Buck was afraid to turn around, wondering what he would meet, but reluctantly let his body twist around until his eyes met the lady at the bank door.

"I knew it was you," the woman spoke, a faint smile appearing on her slim face.

Buck still only stared. He hadn't met her in a long time, and the last time she broke his heart, in more pieces than two. He remembered how he had fallen for her, and she for him, but in the end it had still only been his love and her games that kept their relationship upright. She had played with him, God knew how long, maybe even from the very beginning. She had trapped him in her heart and in those crystal clear, piercing eyes, just because her father wanted her to marry another man. To get back at her father, she let Buck believe she actually cared for him, but the love for her father broke them up. It had been Buck's shortest relationship ever, it only lasted a few days, but still it had been something he had pondered over and over, and wondered if she really did care or not. Buck had unwillingly killed the man she was meant to marry, when he threatened to kill her father. That had been the end to their love, but the beginning of Buck's remorseful thoughts and aching nightmares.

"Kathleen," he spoke, his voice dry and dark.

He let his body face hers, looked her up and down. She hadn't changed much, was still as slim, fragile and beautiful as she was the last time he saw her. Her hair was a slight bit longer, but otherwise still brownish blonde with soft, seducing curls, hanging down her back, only tied together at the base of her neck with a white ribbon. She wore a white and blue dress, with delicate lace around her neck and wrists. A pearl necklace glistered in the bright sunlight. Those almost gray-brown eyes, that gave away her every thought and intention, looked up at him, smiling.

"What are you looking at? I am real, I promise," she said, a gentle smile on her face.

Buck bit his tongue and looked away, the darkness under his brow almost scaring her for a moment.

"Is something wrong?" she asked.

"What do you want, Kathleen?"

The question surprised her. This was not the way she had hoped he would react.

"I don't want anything," she assured, an almost embarrassed tremble in her voice.

"I just saw you through the window and thought I'd say hi. Is that a crime?" Buck shook his head, the lines on his face relaxing somewhat, and though he tried to keep it away, a smile parted his lips.

"No it's not, I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," she smiled back, walking toward him. Before she could reach him, the fighters from the saloon tumbled behind her. She gasped and leaped away. She fell against Buck's chest, looking up at his face, blushing slightly.

"Sorry," she mumbled, as he led her away from the fight.

"Don't apologize, and I won't either," he smirked, placing his arm around her shoulders.

Somehow that gesture seemed natural, the touch sending a sensation of curiosity through her. She looked up on his face, absorbing the changes in him. His hair was much longer, which also made his face look longer. Further, she thought he seemed taller than before. But she realized it must be her memories playing games on her, so she turned her gaze away and leaned her head against his shoulder.

"Thanks," she said.

"For what?" he asked, pulling from her side, wondering what just came over him.

"For saving me from those drunks," she smiled. She wanted to hold on to him but let him slip this time.

"You're welcome," he mumbled, the darkness returning to his eyes.

"So, what are you doing in Sweetwater?" she asked, walking by his side toward the mercantile.

He told her the story of how and why he had returned, and she was secretly very pleased to hear he had no intentions of moving very soon.

"But what about you? What are you doing back here?" Buck asked.

"Well, daddy still owns the bank, and I've been to Italy for a time, so I thought I'd come back here and visit. I just came three days ago, how long have you been around?"

"Since yesterday," he replied.

"What are you doing in town?"

"I came to pick up some nails and other stuff for the barn. I left my horse at the livery to take a walk through town. And here I am now," he smiled.

"Do you think your friends would miss you if you took a walk with me?" Buck looked at her for a moment, reading her thoughts in her eyes.

"Walk with you where?" he frowned.

"I'm staying at the hotel, and I would like to talk with you there, if you don't mind?"

"Why the hotel?" Buck asked, feeling good about having the upper hand for a change.

"It's private, quiet… I just want you to hear me out," she pleaded, looking him deep in the eyes, and he felt his knees go weak.

"Sure," he said, letting her loop her arm through his.

Kathleen fumbled with the key for a moment, smiling embarrassed.

"Let me," he offered, taking the key from her hand.

Their hands touched briefly, and both of them shared a silent moment, looking into the other ones eyes.

Buck cleared his throat and forced the door open.

"There."

"Thanks, Buck," she smiled, which only added to his tangling nerves.

"You're welcome," he mumbled, walking inside after her.

"Sit down," she begged, gesturing for the bed and sitting down herself. Buck tensed and stood firmly by the now closed door.

"Please," she pleaded, patting the coverlet beside her.

He sat down on the very edge of the bed, nervously looking up at her face.

"What did you want to talk about?" he asked.

"I know I hurt you, that time long ago, and I want to make up for that."

"It wasn't that long ago…" Buck corrected subconsciously.

"Maybe not, but let me finish. I've though of you a lot, what we did and how things turned out. All because of Rance, you must hate me now," she said, looking up at his face.

She could literally see the pulse at his neck, and sense how his heart must be racing by now. She lifted a hand to touch his cheek.

"Buck, all I want to say is, I'm sorry," she spoke earnestly.

"Don't be," he whispered, feeling her hand cup his chin.

"Buck, can you forgive me?"

He looked into her eyes and saw the same honesty in them he thought he saw the last time they met. He asked himself if he was just letting her mess with his head again, but he could think of no answer. He breathed a sigh of relief, both his hands framing her face. He kissed her lips - instantly feeling the same sensations and emotions that had made him love her once before. She left no space for him to answer her question, instead kissed him back, deeply and fully. For a long moment they kissed, her hands messing up his hair, his hands caressing her face. As they parted finally, she looked deeply into his dark eyes, reading how he wanted it to continue. She lay back against the coverlet and Buck was for a frozen moment just looking at her, trying to keep his composure. Then he leaned over her, kissed her again. Her hands moved up to touch his chest, started picking at the buttons.

A strong voice of regrets went through his head, but he paid it little attention. She heard it too, spoken by her father, but she kept her fingers by his neck, forcing the shirt over his shoulders.

He couldn't reach to where her dress would open, and had to wait for her to make her move first. She let her fingers caress his muscles, roam his upper body. He kissed her face, neck and lips. He desired her, and it seemed all those feelings of betrayal and anger were actually just telling him how much he wanted her. How much he had wanted her ever since they parted over a year ago. Finally, she moved on top of him, let his hands part her beautiful dress and expose her body for him to see. His kisses soon moved lower, and she had to moan. She had waited for this, and almost given up on it ever happen, but now there was no stopping it. And none of them wanted it to either.

Buck lay with his face against her chest, left hand stroking her slim hip, feel her kiss the top of his head. He exhaled deeply, her warm skin sending pleasant chillers down his spine.

"This wasn't exactly what I thought would happen today," he murmured.

"I know," she smiled, letting her right hand trace his spine from the neck and down.

"Would you run away if I told you I think I'm in love with you?" he asked, holding his breath for a moment.

She deliberately didn't answer for a long minute, just smiled above his head.

"I'm still here, aren't I?" she finally replied and heard him chuckle lazily against her bosom.

"Then I think I'm in love with you," he smiled, closing his eyes, pressing himself closer against her.

He didn't need to hear her reply, he only wanted the moment to last forever. He placed his left arm around her waist and back, making her press her upper body against him.

"I just need to feel you," he whispered.

She obliged to his words by lifting his head and placed it against her collarbone. She pulled the coverlet from their waists to his shoulder, again kissing the top of his head.

She felt he was falling asleep, and his breath soon steadied to a slow rhythm of warm winds against her shoulder. His arm fell onto the bed and the embrace became looser, but he didn't roll away. Even in their sleep they stayed close together, like they had both longed for since they went their separate ways. In Buck's dream, he was far away from the other former Express riders and Kathleen's father. It was just him and her, and no one could object. He smiled against her shoulder, snuggled against her body with a more content look on his face than in a long time.

Buck knew he had to hurry. He had slept longer than he had planned, and would be late for dinner if he didn't run toward the store, to get the supplies he had promised to fetch. He kissed Kathleen's cheek as they came out of the hotel, smiled at her and was on his way. He missed to notice a pair of curious eyes following him from across the street.

As Buck finally came back to the station, he found the others preparing dinner. Lou stood by the stove, smiled at him as he came into the bunkhouse.

"You sure took your time, how was Sweetwater?" she asked.

"Uh… fine," he replied, hoping nothing about his appearance would give away what he had been up to most of the day.

Lou noticed a certain sense of awkwardness in him as he sat down by the table, as if he was struggling with something.

"You alright, Buck?"

He nodded yes and smiled. She returned to the pots on the stove and soon the others came inside as well, hungry after a day of labor.

The next morning they were all helping in the barn, fixing the place up. As they were mucking out the stalls, Jeremiah suddenly opened his mouth to speak.

"Buck, which is the best way to approach a woman?"

Buck looked up, stunned, almost hoped the others wouldn't overhear their conversation. But they had already heard the boy speak.

"Why?" Buck asked, trying to sound causal.

Before Jeremiah could answer, Cody's voice came in between.

"I don't think Buck would be the right person to ask!" he smiled, causing the others to chuckle.

"Why not?" Buck asked sternly, turning them his back.

"Yeah, why?" Jeremiah asked.

"Buck hasn't had the best of luck with women, you see," Cody gladly filled in for the boy.

"What do you know, Cody?" Buck asked, grinning at him over his shoulder.

"You ain't exactly married, are ya?" Cody teased, Buck snorting and turned him his back again.

"But I saw him with a woman yesterday! Right outside the hotel!" Jeremiah argued, causing all eyes to land on Buck in confusion. Buck froze.

"Uh… What?" Lou smiled, glancing at Kid.

"You didn't tell us about that, Buck," her husband smiled, trying to stifle his laughter.

"Who is it, Buck?" Cody asked, snickering with Kid and Lou.

"Yeah, Buck," Jimmy cut in, smiling widely over Lou's shoulder. Buck looked at them, one at a time, his face expression not showing any signs of amusement.

"Well, you were back for dinner, but you sure were gone a long time, Buck," Lou grinned mischievously.

"It's none of your business," Buck muttered lowly, turning away again, hoping they would get off his back.

"What was that?" Cody teased further.

"None of our business?" Jimmy snickered.

"Come on, Buck, who was it?" Kid probed.

"No one," Buck replied.

"Oh, I'm sure it must have been someone, right, Buck?" Lou spoke.

"Just drop it, will ya!" Buck suddenly spat, his friends growing silent finally.

"Okay, if that's how you want it," Kid said seriously, but seconds later burst out laughing with his wife and friends.

Buck still saw no amusement in the conversation. He had been pondering his encounter with Kathleen the previous day all night. He couldn't regret it, and wouldn't either. All he wanted was to start over with her, but in the back of his mind the voice was still there. She'll play with you all over again!

As he met the eyes of his friends and family, he hoped they would see how upset he was about their remarks. But they kept laughing, not even paying attention to his bewildered looks. He let the fork he was holding fall to the floor and ran out of the barn. Lou was the first and only to notice he had left, and she hurried after him.

She found him sitting behind the bunkhouse, leaning against the wall, his knees drawn up to his chest, his head hanging sadly. He didn't notice her approach, he was still too deeply inside his own mind.

"Buck, I'm sorry," she started, his head lifting quickly.

"Forget it…"

"No. No, we had no right. We were out of line, and I want to apologize. For all of us."

"Forget it, Lou, it's nothing," Buck said sternly, looking down at the ground.

"Yes, I think it is. Whoever this woman is, I know she must be wonderful. If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine. I'll accept that."

Buck looked up at her honest face and felt he could trust her. He felt bad for being so upset, but the bad feeling wouldn't go away. And hearing their laughter in the back of his mind didn't help.

"I just don't know what to do, Lou. I mean, what if I'm wrong bout her?"

"Who is she? Do I know her?" Lou asked curiously, sitting down beside him.

"Yeah, I think you do. You've met her, a year ago."

"Is she pretty?" she asked, a smile on her face.

She was content to see an almost embarrassed smile appear on his face too.

"Yeah, very…"

"Do you… do you love her?" Lou decided to approach the subject carefully.

"I don't know, Lou… All this time I've thought I did, and yesterday, when I met her again… It was like everything started over again, and the only difference was we weren't strangers. But I don't know, I might have really rushed a little too fast…"

Hearing his self-doubt and watching the expression on his face change into pure bewilderment, she was at a loss of what to say.

"Buck, I'm sure if you feel that she's right, she is. Knowing you, she could never be wrong," she smiled, patting his shoulder.

"Thanks, Lou, I just hope you remember you said that when you see her."

"Oh no, she's not a whore, is she?" Lou teased, smiled as she caused him to lighten up and laugh.

"No, no, she's not… Just that… Maybe you'll think bad of her, because of what she did before… but she's really a very nice and thoughtful woman. I swear, she is, and more!"

"But who is she? What's her name?" Lou asked, hoping he was finally ready to tell her that. The suspense was killing her.

"Kathleen Devlin. You know, Jack Devlin's daughter…?"

Lou's eyes rolled, a deep sigh escaping her as she took a firmer grip of his shoulder.

"Buck, do you remember what that woman did to you? Do you?" she asked harshly, looking deep into his eyes.

"Yes. But it's different now, she's changed, I'm changed. Everything's different now!" he assured her, but she would have none of it.

"Buck, that woman will break your heart all over again, and I wouldn't be too sure that we'll all be here to help you put it back together again this time!" she stated angrily, rising.

She left him sitting there, not feeling any better than before she came. He wondered what to do, biting his knuckles until he reached a decision.

Feedback is welcome!

Fan Fiction Main Page